How to Murder Your Husband (2023) - full transcript

Nancy Crampton-Brophy, who had a knack for writing about murder and wrote about tumultuous relationships, fantasies about killing or running from her husband, and faking her own death, was arrested in 2022 for murdering her husband.

Did he have any enemies?

Can you think of anyone

who might have wanted
to hurt him?

No. Nobody.

Oh, my god...

His wife...

Oh, Luciana,

I heard on the news
there was some kind of shooting?

Oh, Mrs. Brophy...

It was...

Mrs. Brophy?


If it's all right,

we'd like to ask you
some questions.

Whatever you need.

A shooting has occurred

at the Oregon
culinary institute.

The body of Daniel Brophy,
found dead...

Shocked to find the body

of the loved chef and teacher,
Daniel Brophy.

Found dead,

and the killer
is still at large.

Is there anybody that would...

You know, want to do something
to your husband?

Everybody I've heard from so far
is like, "this is a nice guy."

Everybody loved Daniel...

but nobody as much as I did.

He was just...

The most wonderful,
generous person I ever knew.

As a romantic suspense writer,

I spend a lot of time
thinking about murder.

Mayhem and Gore
come naturally to me,

which means that my husband

has learned to sleep
with one eye open.

But I find it easier
to wish people dead

than to actually kill them...

which, fellow scribes,

brings me to the topic
of today's post...

Grind of black pepper?

I trust the chef.

Every one of us
is capable of murder,

if we get far enough
out on a limb...


I knew I married
the right woman.

The only question is,

do we have the goods
to pull it off?

After all,

if the murderer's supposed
to set your character free,

she doesn't want to spend
any time in jail,

and let me say,
clearly, for the record,

I don't like jumpsuits,

and orange isn't my color.

Did you sleep good tonight?

Oh, yeah.

What are you going to do today?

Are you going to go
to the office?

What about you?

Anyhow, back
to my latest masterpiece...

When last seen,

Laura had just discovered
the terrible truth about Curtis.

You are nothing
without my money!

I would rather starve
than spend another cent of it,

and now everyone will know
where it came from.

Oh, will they?

Get back here!

You'll never get away from me!



You look like
somebody who needs a ride.

Laura, don't do this!

Laura, stop!

"As the car
raced into the night,

Laura forced herself

not to look backward to the life
she was leaving behind,

but forward, to the future,

and whatever danger
it might hold."

So, that's the end
of chapter one.

Sets it all flying,
don't you think?

Oh, Nancy...

That was so...


And nobody can say

Nancy Crampton-Brophy
isn't bold, bold, bold.

The courage it takes

to throw logic to the winds
like you do?

Laura knows
how many guns Curtis has.

Once she finds out his secret,

on what planet

would she confront him
on it all alone?

And then she just happens
to get saved by a stranger,

who just happens to drive by
in his cherry-red hotrod.

You want gritty realism,
watch a documentary.

It's supposed to be
escapist entertainment.

You know,

somehow, against all odds,

Nora manages to entertain
half a billion people worldwide,

and has her plots make sense.

Okay, okay...

Next up is the latest chapter

in volume three
of the rosecroft legacy.

"Nico stood on the balcony,

watching prince florestan

slash his sword

at invisible enemies
in the courtyard below.

How was it possible

that a man with so dark
and tempestuous a heart

could hold the key to his?"

- Rib...
- Uh-huh...

- Flank...
- Yeah...


You got the easy ones
out of the way.



Coulda cooked you one by now.

Okay, it's, uh...

I'm halfway through

a horseradish cream sauce
that goes with it...


- Uh, top round...
- Mm-hmm.




Oh, look sharp, everybody!

Management's here...

And what do we say?

Hello, management!

Okay, Gordon Ramsay,

tell me which way the grain
runs on each one of these cuts.

You know how sensitive you are.

I'm sure they didn't hate it.

Trust and believe, they did.

Like it was smallpox.

You don't know jealousy
when you see it?

It's not only that.

It's what came in the mail.

Another love letter
from an agent.

"Weakness in the plotting?"

What a load of bull.

Agents are lazy.

Why take a chance

on someone as fresh
and original as you, right?

Look, I gotta teach hollandaise
in three minutes.

You think maybe you have
some passages in your book

that need some...


You know, I just might.

"Jason's warm lips

teased Laura's
in the wickedest way.

He lifted her off the ground

and aligned her soft core
with his length.

His rough jeans
abused her hot center

in ways too delicious..."

Too... "Too" should be t-o-o,

with two "o" s.

Thank you.

"too delicious to contemplate.

Her body arched into his

and her nipple..."

- Fennel.
- Fennel.

Ooh, thank god!

Twenty seconds
this side of compost.


That doesn't sound good.

Duck livers?

Were your ears clogged

when I told you how tight
the margin is on this one?

Duck liver mousse, Nancy.

What better way to celebrate
the happiest day of their lives?

Well, we're trying
to run a business here.

We didn't go into this
to save every last dime.

We did it to bring beauty
and flavor into the world.

I don't know
why I stress over this stuff.

I should just let you figure out

how to keep the business
from going toes up,

which it is teetering,
every second,

on the brink of doing.


I know this stuff
triggers for you,

but I swear to you,

a few extra bucks on a wedding

will not zap you back
to roaches in the garbage.

Not the garbage.

The stacked-up newspapers.

They dug tunnels
and built condos.

Well, after we get

some pomegranate glaze
on this fennel,

how about we get back
to proofreading?


You glaze.

Maybe I'll get some writing done

and I won't feel like

the whole day
went down the drain.

There you go, Cal.
Nice big slab.

Thank you,
Mr. and Mrs. Brophy.

Your boy makes
a damn fine Irish stew.

Everything I know,
I learned from my mom.

Well, almost everything.

Hi, Nancy!

How's it going?

Not so good, Jack.

Hi, Karen.

Hey, what's wrong?

The lamberts got cold feet,

the engagement party's off,

they want their deposit back,

and we can't make payroll.

The bank's making us liquidate.

We're finished.

It's okay, we'll work it out.

Nancy, we always do.

Actually, no, Daniel,

this time, it's not okay.

You have no concept
of how close we are to the edge.

What if something
happened to me?

Do you even know we have
life insurance on each other?

I know what'll happen.

I'll be dead,

and you'll be leaving money
on the table.


You're going into a spin.

Nobody's dying here.

Just going dead broke.

So, we'll downsize.

I don't want to downsize,
I want to upsize.

I want us to travel,

and drink rosé
on the beach in Portugal,

and live a big, juicy,
exciting life

before time runs out.

My Portugal is right here,
with you...

and our lives are as juicy
and exciting as I can take.

Well, right now,

my excitement's gonna be
finding some cash,

'cause the credit card wolves
are scraping at the door.

Everything's going to be fine.

It always is.

You were saying?

Maybe it just needs a jump?

No, I know that sound.

That sound is $1100
the other side of a jump.

Nancy, listen,

the church just gave us

a new truck
to haul the food around,

so the Van's yours
if you want it?

Really, mom?
Are you sure?

Can't think of a better home
for the old girl

than with you guys.

I don't know what to say.

How about, "hand over the keys"?

Oh, Karen,
thank you so much.


Oh, man, it sucks that
you guys are up against it.

How much do you think you need?

It's not catastrophic yet.

Um, mortgage, some bills, uh...

Enough to tide us over.

Look, yeah, I mean,

with the equity you've got
in the policies,

after fees and penalties,

the most you're gonna pull out
is a couple thou.

That's it?

At best.

While reducing the payoff
by a whole lot more.

I counsel strongly against it.

Not just as your insurance guy,
but as your friend.

Hey, come on.

Cheer up, Nance.

Life is all about
the actuarial tables.

All right, let's see...

Daniel's 60,

doesn't smoke,

shade overweight,

goes for
that extra glass of cab...

Policy on him is,
what, about 40K?

Let's see...

Yeah, you hang on
for 23 more years,

you have enough
to pay off the bills

and take a nice vacation
in sunny Portugal.

That's about as far from funny
as anything I've ever heard.

That's bad taste.

Hey, you know what?

If you are looking
for extra income,

how 'bout a job with me?

I mean, you love insurance,

and you've been buying
policies since... when?

Since before I ever knew
I'd have a husband.


I mean, you know more about it

than half the people
in my office.

What do you say?

Thanks, Joe.

I don't think so.

Please, god, I'm begging you.

I'll sweep garbage in Siberia,

I'll clean latrines in hell,

just please...

Please don't make

my only option.

Do you think there's anything

the management can't figure out
if she sets her mind to it?

That's what I always tell her,

but does she ever believe me?

Ask him how much of the mortgage

he thinks I can get away
without paying.

I'm sorry, but I have
no head for figures.

You know, screw you!

I'm sick of being patted
on the head and sent on my way.

Should I get my Kevlar on?

You know,
there's a tech billionaire

born every minute in this town.

I don't want to do it, Nancy.

No shinier status symbol
than private chef.

They'll pay through the nose.

And then they think
they own you.


It's, um,

"I have a hankering

for swallow's tongue
in BlackBerry truffle sauce.

Go fetch."

Then they scarf it down
in two seconds.

It's soul-killing.

I want to teach kids

what good food...
Real food...

Can do for them.

Well, I'm glad you think
beggars can be choosers.

Hang on, hang on.

Nancy, you know port view?

The nursing home in Cresthaven?

Well, if they're offering
a bed I can crawl into,

I'm packing my bags.

I could get a job
on the night shift,

in the kitchen.

It's a lot of pureed carrots,

but would it help?

Anything would.

Thank you, Daniel.

Would you still
need to find something?

And fast.

You don't know
how lucky you are.

I'd give my left arm
to make money doing what I love.

Why don't you try doing
what I love?

Nobody's gonna pay me

to mess up their dinner
for them.

That's not all I love...

Of course.


All those baby writers
out there,

hungry for pearls of wisdom,

and I've got more of 'em
than Tiffany's.

There you go.

Good morning, ladies!

Interested in learning
the tricks of the trade?

All the details
are on my website.


This is genius.

I wish I'd thought of it.
In fact, maybe I will.

You won't mind the competition?

Nan, do you still have
that switchblade you got

when you were doing
the stalker in

careful what you wish for?

I'll bring it
to the next meeting.


I need to get
the killer's moves right

in Princess in paradise.

I'll trade you the night goggles
I got for blood and roses.

Ah, that'll be great.

Haven't received
your RSVP

for Heartcon in Vegas yet.

We're all splitting
a penthouse at Caesar's

for the two nights.

Pricey, but...
You've gotta live the legend.

I've got so much going on
right now...

You know, the keynote speaker
is Nora herself.

Plus world-class networking.

Like, every agent on the planet.

Put you down for a "yes"?

Try and stop me.

- Ciao.
- Bye.

I don't know, Nance.

You really think

now is the best time
to ask your brother for money?

He just won some kind
of massive class-action thing.

He's flush!

Have you called to ask
how his chemo's going?

Of course, I have...

And I don't think I like
the way you asked that.

are complicated things.

My husband and I
love being married.

We love being married
to each other.

Just not every day.

Oh, my lord,

you are a sight for sore eyes.

Thanks for coming, Nance.

How was your flight?

Great, if I was a sardine.

I'll take this.

- Hey...
- Hey!

He's excited to see you,

but try not
to tire him out, okay?

He's not as strong
as he wants us to think.

Mm, this plum sauce...

Did you make it yourself?

Do you think she'd trust
anything in a jar?

No way.

So, tell me what's happening
with the kids.

Well, uh, Mark Jr.

Is blazing through
his sophomore year at UT,

majoring in bio,

and Sarah is burning down

the towers
of the mighty in law school.

I am so proud of her...

Thrilled to hear
they're doing so well.

Jennifer, do you think
you could make me

some of that amazing
Vietnamese iced coffee?

Um, I'll have to brew some,
but... sure.

Thank you.

Now, tell me
about your big case.

Did you grind their noses
into the ground?

We did okay.

I'm just gonna help Jen
with the coffee.

It's Lucy
and the football, every time.

Look, I know
how much you love her,

but you are her brother,
not her atm.

We'd better get back.

Yeah, so, the case...

We did pretty good on the award,

uh, but taxes were a bitch,

and uh, the market's
so crazy right now, we...

I just put whatever I had left

into a two-bedroom
in south padre.

So, condo-rich, cash poor.

Wise choice.

Your coffee'll be ready
in a few minutes.

Thank you so much.

How much tarragon?

Mm, one-fourth cup tarragon
or to taste.

Basically meaning
we're on our own.

Well, if we want to make it
like they do in España,

I found a killer

two-week cooking class
in Barcelona.

And miss the adventure

of figuring it out
in our own kitchen?


I know, I'm the one

who keeps saying
the belt's so tight,

we're running out of holes
to put the buckle in.

Well, maybe you should
hold off on the fun in Vegas

till we're back on our feet?

Fun's got nothing to do with it.

Make the right connection
and I can get my book out there,

and you know
what that could mean.

You're just afraid
if you don't go,

your friends will spend

the whole time
talking about you.

Well, they will.

Next time you go
to one of these things,

the keynote speaker
is gonna be...



Here is to the master of us all,

lady Diana Gabaldon,

and her three pillars of wisdom.

May they guide us always
on our literary paths.

All together now...

"Read a lot, write a lot,
and never, never stop!"


Sorry, your card
didn't go through.

That's an old one,

I should've cut it up
and tossed it.

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

This one seems
to be having a problem, too.

I must have forgotten
to tell them

I was going out of state.

If you could put it on my room...

I'm sorry,
we can't really do that.

Don't worry about it, nan.
I'll cover it.

Thank you. I'll pay it back
as soon as I get home.

Oh, whenever you're ready to.

You'll get through
this rough patch.

I know you will.

Those are your cold leads,
and that's the script,

but don't ever sound
like you're reading it.

Somebody gets abusive,

you hang up,
move on to the next call.

It's all about the next call.

You'll do great.

Your character's going along,

living her life
like the normal person she is.

So what's the shove
that pushes her out of normal?

Everybody talks about
the last straw,

the one that breaks
the camel's back.

The bigger question is...
What's the first straw?

Is it possible
Daniel owed somebody money?

Maybe your family was in

some kind
of financial difficulty?

You show me somebody
who's never in a financial bind,

I'll show you Melinda gates.

Can you imagine the allowance
she gets every month?

Unless bill turns out

to be ebenezer scrooge
for the digital age, and...

Oh, god, there I go.

Like, Daniel always says,
"stay on topic, Nancy.

Don't go down
the rabbit hole!"

I can hear him now...

And the look on his face...

but anyway, Daniel and I
were doing just fine.

Do I have the pleasure

of speaking with, uh,
Mr. Mitchell Krayton?

Whatever you're selling,
save your breath.

Not selling a thing,
cross my heart.

Just responding
to the card you sent to us

at Sutton Murray insurance,

expressing interest

in a high-gain
investment-based policy.

I didn't send you squat.

Actually, you did,

as you can see right here,
it shows you...


How many times have I told ya

not to answer
every goddamn piece

of goddamn crap
that comes in the door?

Hey, Joe.

Remember the policy

you sold to
Chuck and Belinda ledbetter?

Do I ever.

Commission saved our butts
on two months of mortgage,

plus a bite out of...

Nancy... Nancy...

Look, they got a better deal

and exercised
the 30-day opt-out.

This blows big-time,

but you have to pay back
the commission.

And what about you,
Mrs. Brophy?

Any enemies on your side?

Someone who might
have been trying to get to you

by hurting your husband?

Me? Ha!

The only enemies I've got
are the New York literary agents

who won't give me
the time of day.

Oh, you're a...
You're a writer?

Oh, yes,
cranking out the titles,

getting better with every book...

And they weren't so shabby
to start with!

Oh, honey...

Yeah, yeah, I know,

"these jerks
wouldn't know genius

if it bit 'em on the ass."

Obviously, they wouldn't,
or they would love your book!

Just... do not.

- Nancy...
- What?

You're happy when you're
writing your books, right?

Yeah, like I'm doing exactly

what I was
put on the earth to do.

And that's what I see,

and you know I love reading
what you come up with, right?

Well, the hot parts.

There are a lot of those.

So, isn't that enough?

That it makes you happy
to do it,

and it's something we can share?

What does it matter
if the books get published?

What are you trying to say?

What I said.

What matters is that
it makes you happy to do it.

Like it was
some kind of craft project?

Like knitting or macrame?

Is that what
my writing is to you?


All those years,

you tell you me
how much you love what I write,

and now I find out,
the whole time,

you were secretly thinking
it was crap!

I never pretended.

I always love what you write.

I'm just saying who cares
if anybody else does?


Because it's all just
Nancy's cute, little hobby!

That is not what I'm saying!

Yes, it is!

You don't know me at all.
You have no idea who I am.

I'll tell you what I do know.

That there is
no making you happy.

We build this beautiful life,
this house, the garden.

After 27 years,

we can't keep our hands
off each other.

How many people you know
still have that?

But you could be
Shakespeare and Warren buffet

rolled into one,

it still wouldn't be enough.

Oh, yes, this dazzling house,

the science experiments
growing in the floor tiles...

Oh, forgive me,
your royal highness,

I'm so sorry our palace
is not up to your standards.

I'm not going to even
dignify this with an exit line.

You just did.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, Nancy.

I know how this sounded,

but truly, truly, truly,
that's not what I meant.

I want us to be happy.


I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it.

I know how it sounded.

I'm sorry.

I truly, truly am.

Ditto, it's just, sometimes...

I've got...

Some panko-crusted tenderloin

Will be ready in 15 minutes.



I'll be down for it
in a minute, hon', okay?


Make sure your heroine
is never without a plan.

Just when things are getting
as bad as they can get,

presto, she finds another card
to pull out of her sleeve.

Screw New York.
I'm over those idiots.

I'm self-publishing
hearts on fire.

That's super-brave, Nancy.

I mean, wow, you gotta remember
what that means.

It means I'm the captain
of my own ship.

It also disqualifies you
from entering the crystal Rose.

Like I give a damn about
winning some dumb-ass contest.

Okay, but you know,

once you take that step,
there's no taking it back.

Agents and publishers
won't go near you

unless the book's already
a big hit on itS own.

Too much...

Not enough...

And Goldilocks said,
"just right."

I've got four words for you...

Fifty, shades, of, Grey.

Started out self-published,

and how fast did vintage books
come crawling?


How's this for the blurb?

"The story of a man
who thinks he's in charge,

and the woman who really is."

It's awesome, Nancy.

Awesome is nothing
without five-star reviews.

They'll come.

Corn bread
and homemade BlackBerry jam?

If you're makin" it,
I'm eatin' it.

Hey, Nance.

Hey, Mark!

How's it going down there?

I fell off the wagon.


It's killing Jennifer.

Plus, I feel like crap.

I'm afraid to go see my doctor.

Mark, I'm so sorry.

But that's not
why you're calling.

It's just, I'm publishing
my book online,

and, you know,
it's all about the algorithm...

How many stars you get.

So, if I send the link,
could you...?

Count on me for a rave.

Thank you, and bless you...

And call that doctor!

Things were good, Mrs. Brophy?

No big changes in your life?

You and Mr. Brophy were happy?

It's like
everybody always told me...

I was the luckiest girl alive.

And then we'll have
the treasurer's report,

and I know Sandra's

supposed to share a new chapter
of "Saratoga spring" with us,

but first, if there are
any announcements,

now's the time...

Well, my book's off
to a promising start.

Reviews are trickling in,

and today, my Amazon rank
for romantic suspense

jumped from 230,000 to 171,000.

Next stop? 100K.

Congrats, Nance.

Thank you, Gary,
and a good read...

Oh, Frances, you were saying...?

I can't believe
this is happening.

I mean, I have been
pinching myself all day,

but "pilgrim soul"

made the finals
for the crystal Rose,


And five minutes
after I got the call,

um, I got a call
from a 212 number,

and it...

It was Portia Dellavecchia
in New York,

calling to say
she wanted to take me on,

and she wanted to sell my book
to the big boys,

and she said that she thinks
she can get $500,000!

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you...

Did I hit

the wildflower mother lode,
or what?

You know what these are called?

You won't believe it...

"Rosy pussytoes".

Is that not perfect?

And these beauties...

Look at these!

This is
"western pearly everlasting".

Can you believe it?

For you,

my rosy pussy-toed,


It's the little things
that push you toward the edge.

Oh, my god.
What happened?

Nothing, it's just a cut.

Oh, right on time.

Are we expecting somebody?

Don't you remember?

Honey, where's your head?

Hey, hey, hey...

Come on in!

Hey, son, how are you doing?

Oh, my little girl!

Hey, mom! Hey, dad!

Little shrumpkin.

Who's grandpa's
favorite shrumpkin?

So crazy...
Right in front of me.

Three generations
of Brophy family.

And I'm probably
next in line.

The chef arrived!

The thing that drives

normal people
to do abnormal things

is pain.

And what's more painful

than seeing
other people have fun

when you feel like
yesterday's scrambled eggs.


Did I tell you about
the time I met her family?

The whole family's
standing there,

what she says...

And everybody hears it...

Is, "hi, I guess
I picked the short straw."

I could have died.

I love you.
I love everybody.

Be honest with me...

Was the apple-rhubarb pie
everything it could be?

I should have
browned the butter.

What about the crust?

Did you like it?

How do you think I'll look

in a bikini on the beach
in Portugal when I'm 87?

As beautiful as you did
the day I met you...

And why 87 specifically?

That's how old
I'll be in 23 years.

I'm sorry, did I miss
the beginning of this thread?


What'd I do wrong?


You know, candy and Dave?

They got half a mil
for their shack,

and Barb Flanagan subdivided

and got 450 for each half...


Would you please
just hear me out?

We're at the top of the market.

If we sell the place right now...

Sounds great.


I said...

Sounds great.

Oh, wow...
That's amazing!

Let's do it, Daniel.

Let's sell everything
and be glamorous expats,

you know?

Like Scott Fitzgerald and Zelda?

You mean drink ourselves
to death?

I mean live awesome lives
in a gorgeous place.

France is too expensive,

but I've been looking
at Portugal.

We could live near the beach,
and drink rosé, and...

And be 10,000 miles
from the kids, or my parents?

Yes, let's sell,

for every dime we could get,

but let's find
a beautiful, little place

right here in the foothills,

where we can plant grapevines,
and fruit trees...

And live in what?

A tent?

No, one of these.

It's a...

It's a...
It's a tiny house.

Hold on... hold on, hold on...

Got it!

The brochure!

Look at this.

Everything you could ever want
in 450 square feet.

Except room to stand up.

It's got an eight-foot ceiling.

Not in that sleeping shelf.

Oh, that means we can cuddle.

Get away from me.

I'm in no mood to cuddle.

Did you see how I looked when
you walked in the door today?

Do you even see me
at all anymore?

I always see you.

You see your idea of me.


My whole life...

All the years I've worked,

everything I've ever done...

The catering,

my book,

this marriage...

And you think a chicken Coop
with a microwave

is all I deserve?

And I haven't worked?

Two jobs!

To pay for the credit cards
that you ran up to the sky!

Oh, good move.

Shame me with your sacrifice.

Look, I'm sorry.

This is crazy!

I love you.

Well, right now, I hate you!


I'm sorry,
I tried to get through it,

but this writer can't plot story
to save her life.

Oh, yeah?

If somebody tells you

the thought
of solving their problems

by making somebody
in their life go away

never crossed their mind,

they're lying.

Your challenge

is to capture the moment

that the idea first floats
into your character's head.

You'll always be trapped.

You'll never get out.

There's only way
you're going to be happy...

happy and free.

And how did you know
to come down here today?

Well, the shooting
was on the news,

and my mother-in-law called

and asked me to come down
and check it out.

And when you got here,

the student you spoke to

filled you in on what happened?

The shooting,
how the body was found,

all that?

No, I just got here, and...

Why are you asking?

Oh, no reason, just...

You know, you didn't ask
about any of that.

I hope it's nothing serious.

Oh, no, thank you,
he'll be fine.

It's just, you know,

working two jobs has been
taking a terrible physical toll.

So we're hoping

for a slight reduction
in the mortgage payment,

just till Daniel's
back up to speed.

How much of a reduction
would help?

Like $300?

- Would that work?
- Yes, no problem.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Bless you.

- Bye now.
- Bye.

I've only got a half-hour

before I trudge off
to my night job.

Can this paperwork wait?

Just one quick autograph
and I'm out of your hair.

Don't we already have insurance?

Investment value.

Beats the heck
out of the stock market.

Doesn't the investment
only pay off when I'm dead?

Well, you'd want me
taken care of, wouldn't you?


Yeah, yeah...



Once your motive is locked in,

the question
turns to choice of weapon.

I was thinking...

Braised endive
and roast duck with cherries,

but all I've got the will for
is grilled steak.

I hope that's okay?


Only if you want to get
close enough

for them to stab you,

and who's going to clean up
all that blood?

Y-o-u, that's who.

Whoa, you're hitting
a tipping point here, Nancy.

Between what and what?

Well, you've got, like,

eight life-insurance
policies already?

If you put the money
you're paying in premiums

into something here and now...

Bonds, blue-chip stocks,

You and Daniel would be
on a whole lot solider ground.

You know
what lousy savers we are.

If it's premiums we have to pay,
we don't have a choice.



I'm really worried about you.

I'm fine.
I'm great.

Are you?

Do you have any idea
how good you've got it?

A beautiful house,

all these books
pouring out of your brain,

a husband
who can't get enough of you...

Why not tell tomorrow
to go to hell

and smell the roses
right under your nose right now?

I've got a plan, Joe.

I need to stick to it.

One more John Hancock.

Didn't I already sign this?

This one's a cash-value policy.

Nice, fat piggy bank
for a rainy day.

How bad is the rain?

Is the port view job
even helping?

I feel like my students
are getting half of me.

Half of you
is twice anybody else.

There's always
strangling with piano wire...

A classic...

But for my taste,
a touch melodramatic.

Hey, honey!

How was work?

I'm too zonked to know.

Hey, I could use
a really big favor right now.


Feed the chickens?

Blow to the head
with a blunt object?

This would require
a cast-iron skillet

to be within easy reach
right when you need it.

Well, I did say anything.

Thanks, sweetheart.

Paint job's not bad, actually.

Better than I feared.

You might...

And I do say might...

Get 425 for it.

Only if you do something
about that nightmare backyard.

They're going to wreck it.

They're going
to make it suburban.

You want top dollar
for the house, don't ya?

What is that?

Calm down,
it's not agent orange.

It's just plain, old, everyday,
garden-variety herbicide.

What if whoever buys the house
wants to grow stuff to eat?

Don't go anywhere
near where they spray, okay?

Spread the word.


Not a sure thing.

Too little? Too much?

Your mother always told you
to marry a doctor.

Now you know why.

Answer on the re-fi.

I've been trying
to get a better rate.

Everything okay?


You know, if we're going
to your parents',

we probably should get
our Santa hats on,

don't you think?

I called and begged off.

I gotta get to port view.

They got me on the night shift.

On Christmas Eve?

Pays double time...

But I've got a surprise
for you, sweetheart.


I know how hard you work

and how much you long
for faraway places,

so I got you something
I know you're gonna love.

My Christmas present
to you is...

Drum roll, please?

A getaway...

To Portugal.

I got the tickets right here.

Portuguese national dish.

It's spelled "linguica",

but it's pronounced

which is probably
why they call sausages "links",

now that I think of it.

Lisbon on a plate,

and this way,

the pork gets the jet lag,
not us!

I'll grill 'em up real quick
before I take off, okay?

When it comes down to it,

there's no better option

than the obvious.

The gold standard.

The sure thing.

Did Daniel own any kind of gun?

Because that might indicate

he was under
some kind of threat,

which could lead us
to a suspect.

We most certainly do own a gun!

Everybody was all, "ooh..."
After that shooting in Florida.

- Parkland.
- That's the one.

I kind of surveyed people,

and it turned out
everybody had a gun except us,

so I went down and bought one,

and here's the very thing,

when I got it home,
neither one of us wanted it.

And it's still in my closet,

and it still has

the little plastic band
around the trigger thing,

and we never even
bought bullets for it!

You bought the gun when?

Oh, way back.



You're certain of that?

Yes. I was celebrating.

Wasn't parkland
a couple of months later,


- February.
- Yeah.


So many damn shootings.


Not too much kickback in this?

Just enough
to show you've got some power.

Bit of practice,
it'll get like swatting a fly.

Sounds great.

So, I'm a romance novelist,

and I'm buying the gun

so I get the details right
in something I'm writing.


Would I have read
any of your books?

Maybe not yet,
but you will someday.

So, I have this idea

that instead of the character
hiding the gun,

they're like, "hey, police,
I have a gun, look, here it is!"

Which would totally
throw them off the scent, right?


So, is there a way

the character
can clean their gun

so it's like it was never used?

Actually, no,

but if your killer was smart,
there's one thing he could do.


Even better.

After she fires the gun,

she swaps out the SLIde
and the barrel

for the same parts
of the same model?


Clean as the light of day!

Shit. It's the wrong glock.

You have the why.

You have the how.

Now, for the all-important
when and where.

"In the event of death

at the insured's
place of employment,

an additional payment
of $100,000 is due."

Hey, you've got your big

mock restaurant opening
coming up soon.

Live fire, right?



Is there a problem with that?

I just get so worried.

I mean, with all
the crime downtown these days,

and you'll be alone
for a whole hour,

setting up for the kids, right?

Nobody else in the building?

Just like every month,

and so far, my head
is still attached to my neck.

What's the date this month?


A week from Saturday.

A week from Saturday?


No matter how ready
your character thinks she is,

a dry run is a good idea.

Before you shoot, trouble shoot.

Scope the territory.



Don't creep up
on a guy like that.

I'm so sorry.

I was on my way to see a client,

and all of a sudden,
nature called,

so I decided to stop in here
and use the facilities.

I'm glad you stopped by.

You're lucky it was me.

Anybody could have walked
in here off the streets.

Are there even
security cameras here?

I've never seen any.

We're not a major target
for theft.



It makes me so happy
that you're worried about me.

These days...

I don't know...

There was a time

when you wouldn't come by
just to use the bathroom.

I know.

All the stress...

It's too much for both of us.

There is a school holiday
next month, on the 23rd.

Why don't we drive
up to Spanish cove?

Michelin-star restaurant?

Fireplace in the bedroom?

We need it.

A lot.

Awesome idea.

I'll book it.


Read it to me.

Whatever sentence
you just wrote.

Okay, you asked for it.

"And then Marshall arrived,

and her non-orgasmic body

cranked out climaxes

like a pachinko machine
on the Fritz."


So rare to find polyozellos
this close to the ocean.

Daniel Brophy, you could find
mushrooms on the moon.


I'm always blown away

at how you keep coming up
with stories.

Book after book after book.

Story's easy.

For you.

For anybody.

Next thing you see
on the ground, pick it up.


Uh... let's see here...


What do you see?

Old piece of glass.

Yeah, but there's a reason

somebody dropped it
out here in the woods.

Oregon trail
passed through here...

Keep going.

Maybe there was
a westbound wagon train,

filled with men,
women and children,

headed for a new life...

And the wagon master
was a cruel and wicked man,

who would seize young girls
from the campfire,

bring them to his wagon,

and have his wicked way
with them...

But one girl fought back...

she smashed
his bottle of whiskey

and stabbed him
with this jagged edge.

And the pioneers
left him on the trail

with the shard of glass
that killed him

still in his neck,

and 150 years later...

With you,

every time
is like the first time.

The first time was pretty great.

What if your character
has a change of heart?

What if suddenly
she can't do it?

I would love to keep going,

but that's all the time
we have for today.

So, let me conclude with this.

Don't write the novel

that you think
the market wants to buy,

write the novel
that you want to read.

It was great talking with you,

and I hope I've been
at least a little bit of help.

Oh, miss Halsey?
Miss Halsey...

Oh, hi.

I'm Nancy Brophy.

I belong to the romance writers
of western Oregon,

and I had to talk to you
before you took off.

If you want me
to look at your manuscript,

you need to send it
to my office.

Where it will land
in a slush pile

and lay there
until it grows old,

takes courses
to keep itS mind sharp and dies.

Please, miss Halsey,

I need you
to give me this chance.

I... I've read every single
romance novel ever published

in the last ten years,

and I swear,
I'm better than half of them,

and I'm just as good
as the other half.

I swear on it!

On... Barbara Cartland's
fuzzy pink slippers!

You need to swear
on one more thing.


That you will never tell anybody

I said I would read your book.

Oh, my god.

It may take a beat,

but I will
get back to you, okay?

Oh, my info's on the title page.

I can't thank you
enough for this.

If it's great, then that's
all the thanks I'll need.

Good night.

Good night!

She will get in touch with you

as soon as

she has had the chance
to take a look at your material.

I'll take those.

Sharon Halsey's office?

Yes, Mrs. Brophy,
I gave her your messages,

and I promise
she will get in touch with you

as soon as
she has had the chance

to take a look
at your material, okay?

Sharon Halsey's office?

Do you know what you're doing
when you keep saying...

Mrs. Brophy!

Mrs. Brophy,
if you'd just listen to me...

Sharon Halsey's office?

You keep saying
she's going to call?

You're lying to me.

Mrs. Brophy...


Mrs. Brophy,
if you would just listen to me...

No, you listen to me.

Do you know what you're doing

when you keep saying,
"she's going to call"?

You're lying to me.

Are you proud of that?

Tell her I called.

Hey. What's up?

Nothing good.

Starting with chemo.

I told Jennifer

she had to take care of herself.

She'd have to be on her own.

This house is like a morgue
without her.

I call my sponsor twice a day...

Mark, I have to go.
It's a big work thing.

I'll call you right back.

Nancy Brophy, hello.

First of all,

it's completely uncalled for
to yell at my assistant,

but I did get a chance
to read your book,

and here's where we're at.

The problem comes down
to plotting.

You put your characters
in these great dilemmas,

but they don't actually
do anything

anyone would really do
to get out of them.

Your book is simply
not of publishable quality.

We thank you for sending us...

Here we go.

Easy on
the maple-glazed carrots, folks.

I made them special for Nancy.

I can't wait to see the look
on her face when she digs in.

All righty.

Up to the last second,

your character needs to be
like all of us.

Somebody who doesn't think

she could ever actually
go through with it.

Until she does.

Join me for coffee?

I gotta take off.

Early-morning client?


That trout I've been curing
should be ready to go.

Breakfast of kings.

What time did your husband
leave the house this morning?

He's an early riser.

Gets up, feeds the chickens.

He left... I'm gonna say...

Seven-Ish, maybe 7:05?

And when did you
see him after that?

Did you have breakfast with him?

I didn't get out of bed.

Hey, management!

Another bathroom stop?

Just wanted to stop by.

Are you okay?

Why wouldn't I be okay?

No reason, just...

Seriously, Nancy,
did something happen?

Don't worry about me, Daniel.

You've got a lot to do.

Go on and do it.

And then it comes.

The moment
when she solves her problem,

or doesn't.

The point of no return.

Hey, Jennifer.

How's it going?


Mark's in stage 4.

The doctors want to get
aggressive with his treatment.

He's going to pieces.

I'm taking him to the hospital.

You have to come down
and help out.

I'm sorry,
I have to take this call.

I'll call you back.

I promise.

Wait! Nancy!

Hey, Karen, how are you?

Have you seen what's on TV?

There's been a shooting
at the school.

Which school?


They haven't said
who's been shot yet.

Have you heard from Daniel?

No, I haven't.

Well, you have to go down there

and find out what's going on.

I don't think
it'd be a good idea.

I think it'll be crazy
with cops and ambulances,

and I'll just get in the way.

I'll try to call him now, okay?



We're still
waiting on an update,

and no word yet
on any injuries or casualties.

Classes have been suspended
here at the oci...

Chef Brophy here.

I'm probably in the woods

digging fungus
out of the dirt right now,

so leave it at the...

Hey, Daniel, it's Nancy.

Could you please give me a call?

I want to make sure you're okay.

Hey, Karen.

You have to get down there now.

They say
there's been a casualty.

I need to know
that Daniel's all right.

You're a half an hour closer
than we are.

You have to go now!

Okay, I will.
I'm on my way right now.

Oh, god...

Have there been
any recent break-ins?

School have a problem with that?

There's crime
in the neighborhood,

but not here.

Oh, my god, his wife...

- I'm sorry, I have to...
- Luciana!

What's happened?

I heard about
a shooting on the news.

Oh, Mrs. Brophy?

It was...

Mrs. Brophy?

I'm detective posey
with the ppd.

This is detective Merrill.

We know this is
a terrible moment for you,

but if it's all right,

we'd like to ask you
some questions.

Whatever you need.

And the gun you bought
is where now?

Oh, it's at home.

I don't even know
how to get rid of it

because Oregon has an ordinance
about gun dealers,

so I can't sell it, you know?

Would you like to see it?

That would be great.

I can have a detective
meet you at your home, as...

As soon as we're done here,

and he can take it
into evidence.


You know...

Even if you find who shot him,

that won't bring him back...

and I want him back.

That's what I want.
I don't care about who shot him.

I want him back.

We'll get through this
as quick as we can,

and you can go be
with your family, okay?

I just want to thank you
for your Patience.

Well, it's not like
I was doing anything else.


Check it out.
Never been fired.

Thank you, Mrs. Brophy.

Beniga here.

You with Mrs. Brophy now?

Yeah, just turning
the glock into evidence.

While you're there,

could you get
some pictures of her Van?

The Sienna.

Everything all right?

Everything's fine.

I'll check in with you later.

That was detective Merrill.

He just wants me to take
a couple pictures of your Van

while I'm still here.

Why do you need to do that?

I wasn't downtown this morning.

It's just procedure.

You know
where that Van might be?

So, the school gets a call

from a horse farm down in Salem.

They're having a mushroom issue,

and my dad drives down there,

and walks into
this pasture of morel heaven,

and the horse guy says,

"we're worried

the horses might eat them
and get sick,"

and my dad says,

"well, I'm a chef,
not a veterinarian,

but if you want,

I can take them
off your hands for you."

Share some brophyisms!

Oh, there's so many of them...

"Every mushroom is edible...


Oh, I know that one!

Everybody, this is Nancy Brophy,

better known around here as...


He lived a happy life.

He loved teaching,
he loved mushrooms,

he loved his family.

He was one of the few people
I've ever known

who did exactly
what he wanted in life

and loved doing it.

For him, not only was life
a science project,

but sometimes,
it was an adventure.

I love you all,

and thank you for being here.

We love you, Nancy.

Atlantic horizons?

Hi, it's Nancy Brophy...

How can they do this, Joe?

You have to admit,
it makes sense.

If you were
an insurance company,

and somebody you covered
was murdered,

would you pay out the policy
until you found out who did it?

It was probably some vagrant
who's in Timbuktu by now.

What about the $80,000 policy
at greenfield?

They'll give you

the same answer
as all the others.

What's wrong?

You want to do me
an enormous favor, Joe?

Tell me what isn't?


Ooh, nice big windows
for some morning sunshine.

Ah, and a stainless-steel stove.

That's good.

All the young couples
have to have that or die.

Room for a pool,

once we get
that mess cleared out.

Look, you have got
wonderful bones here.

I'm glad that we're on
the radar,

but with the broken tiles
and the bad plumbing,

we're months away
from anybody biting.

I don't have months.

I'm sorry, but in real estate,

Patience is
the name of the game.

I'll be in touch.



Could you take
Daniel's chickens away, please?


I know how hard it must be.

Like, he's still here,

and he's about to go hang out
with his buddies.

I'll make some calls,
find a good home for them.

I mean today.
In your truck. Now.

Just take them away, please.

Of course, Nancy.

I'll go herd them up right now.

I miss grandpa.

She's on her way to Texas.

For her brother's funeral.

It's a little too close
to Mexico for my taste.

Okay, she bought a gun,

but you say yourself it's clean.

She also bought
an extra SLIding clip on eBay.

Which you haven't found.


And a million and a quarter
in insurance on the deceased.

Did she also have
insurance on herself?


Defense can build
a whole case on that.

Her Van was at the scene.

Could have been stolen.

Okay, come on.
The cell phone pings back it up.

Her phone could have been
in the car

when the killer took it.

You know juror #5,

in the back row?

The one who hates cops?

There's not enough here

to convince him or her
to convict.

You can hook up with Austin,

have them keep an eye on her,

but I'm not ready to indict.

First of all,

my sympathies to both of you

on the death of your brother
and husband.

In the matter
of the conflicting wills,

I am first going to address
the earlier one,

dated two years ago,

and submitted to this court
by Jennifer crampton.

This one begins,
as wills customarily do,

with pages
of rather dull material.

Appointment of fiduciaries,

identification of family trust,

before disposition of assets
is arrived at.

I will now read the will

submitted by the sister
of the deceased, Nancy Brophy,

dated two days
before Mr. Crampton's death.

"I am currently married
to Jennifer crampton,

however, I have
no intention or desire

of leaving any of my property
to her under this will."

Moving on from

the grammatically
problematic use

of "intention of"
rather than "intention to",

the will then proceeds

to name Ms. Brophy

as independent executor

of all trusts
created by this will,

as well as beneficiary

of the substantial bulk
of the estate.

The court rules in favor
of Jennifer crampton.

Thank you, your honor.

Mrs. Brophy,

this is the third time
I'm calling

to ask when you're going
to collect your brother's ashes.

As you've prevented us

from contacting
the wife of the deceased,

you'll need to let us know

where you'd like us
to send them.

Please call me back.

The widow Brophy just called.

She wants to come in
and talk to us.

You think she's ready to break?

Thank you for coming in,
Mrs. Brophy.

I'm sorry to hear
about your brother.

Yeah, well,
he's out of pain now.

I'm thankful for that,

and that's actually
why I came in,

because the reason
I stayed so long in Texas

is because I was finding out
who killed Daniel.

- Really?
- Yes.

We'll be recording this,
if you don't mind.

Of course.

You see, my sister-in-law

found out that Mark
was going to change his will

and leave his money to me,

so she hired a gangster
in the Vietnamese mafia

to kill me and Dan,

so we couldn't inherit,

but the killer got scared off

by all the snooping around
you guys were doing,

and never got around to me.

So that's who did it,

and I know you guys
can take it from there.

Well, thanks for the tip.

We'll get right on that.

No, thank you.

Oh, there was one other thing.

I don't want to be
the stupid question of the day,

but I think I need to be
the stupid question of the day.


So, this friend of mine
was asking

how does somebody know
they're no longer a suspect,

in terms of, you know,
life insurance,

and I was saying,
well, I just don't know,

and somebody else said
I could get a letter from you,

saying I'm not a suspect.

Why would you need
something like that?

Because they don't want to pay

if it turns out

that I secretly was
the one who shot my husband.

You know?


I mean, it's just
a stupid, little policy.

It's nothing,

just like $40,000,

and I asked what happens
if it never gets resolved,

and the answer is,

then it has to be evaluated,

which could take forever.

Yeah, well, we never
would do something like that.

I knew you would say that.

Yeah, that's, uh,
that's never been done.

I've... I've never heard
of that being done.

Well, okay then!

Thank you for your time.

Just a little thing
I wanted to check on.

So many "i" s to dot

and "t" s to cross

when somebody passes.

How much did you say
he was he insured for?

A million and a quarter,

but we found more since then.

It's a million and a half.

Vietnamese mafia...

Two sinks in the bathroom,

and 20 years after Craig died,

I don't think I have once
turned the water on in his.

God knows
if the pipes even work anymore.

Same for me and Dan's
kitchen stuff.

Haven't picked up
a single one of his knives.

Maybe I'm scared

he'll just pop up
and cut my throat!

It doesn't surprise me a bit
the way chefs are with their gear.

I totally based
the hot Italian chef donato

in "titan of Tuscany" on Daniel.


How donato wouldn't talk
to Tristan for days

if he dared to touch
one of his sauté pans?

I loved that one.
One of your best.

What are you hearing
from the police?

They don't tell me anything.

So, next on the agenda...

Romancecon, San Francisco,
10th of October!

Who is up for renting

a monster white limo
for the whole weekend?

Yes, yes, yes, yes!

But isn't white a little...

Prom night?


If you want glam,
it's black all the way.

Don't you think, nan?

Yes, absolutely.

Nancy Brophy.

You're under arrest
for the murder of Daniel Brophy.

You have the right
to remain silent.

Anything you say

can and will be used against you
in the court of law.

You have the right
to an attorney.

If you cannot afford one,
one will be provided for you.

Do you understand these rights,
which I have read to you?


Be strong, Laura!

Don't answer any questions
until your lawyer gets there!

I love you!

I will always love you!

I'll love you forever!

Until my lawyer gets here,
I'm not answering any questions.

We wouldn't dream of asking any.

No, we just want to make
some observations

on how it all went down.

You made a lot of smart moves.

Mm-hmm. Every step of the way,

you were thinking,
thinking, thinking...

Gotta hand it to you
for creativity.

But you know,

somehow, you just didn't
fully work things out, did ya?

It all comes down to...

What's the word?


I mean, sure, think big,

but things still
have to make basic sense.

Smart to swap out

the SLIde and clip on the gun
you shoot somebody with,

but not so smart to buy

the extra parts
on your own eBay account.

I bought all that for research.

For a novel I was writing.

So, for research...
As you say...

You needed to buy

two identical parts
of the same gun?

And good move
to delete the account,

but if you were writing this
for one of your books,

don't you think

the character would know

that deleting something
doesn't erase it from the cloud?

And most of all, Mrs. Brophy,

if you're going
to murder your husband,

it may not be the best idea

to write a blog post called
"how to murder your husband".

A real chanterelle.

You see?

How the little ridges
under the cap are forked,

and how they melt away
into the stem?

That means it's not just safe...

it's so delicious...

It could take you to paradise.

No easy way out, Brophy.

Open the gate!



The thing

I probably liked
the best about him?

He loved me.

If that isn't
a big number-one item,

I don't know what is.

You know?

And I loved him back.