How to Make Love to a Woman (2010) - full transcript
In Los Angeles, Andy Conners works in Fearless Records selecting new talents. Andy is in love and engaged to Lauren Baker for one year but he is unable to satisfy Lauren in bed. Further, he has never told Lauren that he loves her. Andy tells his problem to his best friend Layne Wilson and they research how to satisfy Lauren with an orgasm. Meanwhile Lauren is promoted in her company but she needs to be transferred to Chicago. When her colleague Daniel Meltzer comes to Los Angeles to convince Lauren to move to Chicago, they discover that they had been friends in the childhoods. Andy misunderstands the relationship between Daniel and Lauren and believes that she is cheating on him. Will Andy lose Lauren to Daniel?
Subtitled by [n.W.o]
[ new World order ]
Snoring
Dog barks
CLIVE: Well, it sounds
like you got the ball rolling
in the right direction, man.
What about this new girl
you just signed? What's her deal?
I'm teIIin' you, this girI Nomi
is reaIIy taIented.
She Iooks great, she sounds great.
I got interest from media outIets,
pubIicists.
I might have another
goId aIbum here, boss.
-[ Knocking ]
-Down, Toodles.
-[ Dog barking ]
-Toodles, shut up!
Hey, boss. I got so many demos
to get through here tonight.
If it's aII the same to you, couId we
just deaI with this aII tomorrow?
-Of course. l'll see you in the A.M.
-AII right.
-Hi there.
-Hi.
-Oh, you Iook great.
-Thank you.
Sorry I'm workin' Iate.
I just Iost my intern.
He says he's sick.
I think he's just hung over.
WeII, I'II be your intern.
-Wow.
-What does it pay?
I can start you off
with a IittIe fried rice.
Maybe some MongoIian beef.
You got yourseIf a deaI.
Are you sure you're ready for this?
This is reaIIy
how you find new artists?
Nah.
DEMO #2:
Rasta man, comin' at ya
DEMO #3:
l'm going to kill your cat!
l'm going to kill your--
Oh, I'm sorry you had to hear that.
Oh, seems like a day ago
Not quite like the last
And now l see him
walking far away
Blasting down the street tonight
One more reason
lt's a cold from the season
And l know that she'll be
pleasing me all night
She takes all my pains away
She takes all my pains away
Relieves all my cravings
l'm craving at night
She loves when l feel awake
She loves when l feel awake
She loves when l peel off
her clothing at night
Now it's seeming
like a ways away
Right around the street
And all of a sudden
l was seein' her face
She offers me a ride around
One more reason
lt's a cold from the season
And l know that she'll be
pleasing me all night
She takes all my pains away
She takes all my pains away
Relieves all my cravings
l'm craving at night
She loves when l feel awake
She loves when l feel awake
She loves when l peel off
her clothing at night
She takes all my pains away
She takes all my pains away
Relieves all my cravings
l'm craving at night
She loves when l feel awake
She loves when l feel awake
She loves when l peel off
her clothing at night
You think it's all
You think it's all about you
About you
You think it's all
You think it's all about you
You think it's all
You think it's all about you
Ooh, it's just Iike Christmas.
She takes all my pains away
[ Screams ]
Yeah!
Relieves all my cravings
l'm craving at night
She loves when l feel awake
She loves when l peel off
her clothing at night
She takes all my pains away
Relieves all my cravings
l'm craving at night
She loves when l feel awake
She loves when l peel off
her clothing at night
She takes all my pains away
Relieves all my cravings
l'm craving at night
She loves when l feel awake
She loves when l peel off
her clothing at night
She takes all my pains away
Relieves all my cravings
l'm craving at night
CLEANING WOMAN:
You better use a rubber!
And don't Ieave me any surprises.
Good night, Estaire.
[ Laughs ]
[ TeIephone rings ]
-Hi, is Andy in?
-Mmm, no.
Well, l was wondering if--
It's not that bad.
''Nomi sings with the emotionaI depth
of a 1 2-year-oId.''
See?
It's not that bad.
Just wait tiII the message boards
and bIogs get ahoId of it.
-ProbabIy wanna kiII yourseIf.
-Anything eIse?
Layne caIIed,
took a message. . . Iost it.
-You're doing great work here.
-Thanks.
My stomach is aII messed up now.
Maybe they're right.
Nomi, a 1 2-year-oId?
You are so taIented.
That's one person's opinion.
WouId I have fought for you so hard
if I didn't beIieve in you?
You had to fight for me?
CIive didn't want to sign me?
No, not at first.
But that's just how CIive is.
But once you've soId him, it's over.
You got him.
And then he's gonna put you
exactIy where you wanna be.
He's going to dump my aIbum,
isn't he? He's going to dump me.
He's gonna Iove you, Nomi.
I got you on the Iist.
You're pIaying this weekend,
showcase at The BonneviIIe.
He'II Iove it.
-Andy.
-No. Nomi, I don't wanna hear it.
You can do it, and you wiII do it.
Surprise!
Lauren. What's aII this?
Did you Iight candIes?
Drinking wine?
HeIIo, what does it Iook Iike
I'm doing?
I made your favorite dinner.
Oh, my goodness.
WeII, of course you did.
You Iook super sexy.
Thank you very much.
Wow.
Wow.
And you have no idea
what today is, do you?
Uh. . . .
Wait.
I know it's not your birthday
because that's in ApriI.
My birthday's in June.
'Cause we went to Big Bear.
We went to CataIina.
Right.
Is it my birthday?
It's our anniversary, genius.
It is?
Yeah, it's been a year.
WeII, no wonder you made dinner.
We have to ceIebrate
this wonderfuI occasion.
Mm-hmm.
Lauren, I'm sorry.
I've been crazy busy at work.
Oh, grumpy.
You're so grumpy.
GrumpziIIa.
Sourasaurus.
Look at you.
I'm so sorry, sweetheart.
Oh, you got bugs in your hair.
Dirty bugs in your hair.
[ Laughs ]
No, I don't.
When's the Iast time
you took a shower?
I just had one.
I don't know about that.
Hey.
You know you're the most
important thing to me, right?
I reaIIy am sorry.
Okay.
Happy anniversary.
Happy anniversary.
Um, Ioser, the Ieast you can do
is heIp me with the dishes.
You reaIize I'm gonna punch you
in the baIIs
if you knock one more thing over.
Oh, you reaIIy think you can do this?
Oh, you took too Iong there.
[ Lauren screams, Iaughs ]
No. What, you think
you're gonna hurt me with that?
Come on.
Oh, you are in huge troubIe.
No! Oh, put me down!
Put me down!
[ Breathing heaviIy ]
[ Both moaning ]
LAUREN: I Iove you.
AND Y: Oh, thanks.
[ Andy moans ]
[ ChuckIes ]
[ Sighs ]
Nancy and I have incredibIe sex.
It's, Iike, unbeIievabIe.
David is the worst, worst Iover ever.
The first time we did it --
sex --
went to a restaurant and then went
to a reaIIy great movie.
And then, God,
she Iooked so good
I couIdn't even concentrate,
you know?
So, I took her back
to her apartment. . .
with my boner.
Yeah, you know, I can reaIIy
waIk myseIf to my door.
Yeah, you know what?
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Yeah, um. . . .
I'm gonna fuck you untiI you shit.
-Yeah.
-That is so hot.
And, yeah, on the tabIe,
on my bench, in the kitchen.
It's Iike that aII the time.
You know what I'm sayin'?
And it gets reaI oId, you know?
I mean, a IittIe spontaneity
every once in a whiIe,
it's a good thing, you know.
But, um. . . .
We don't --
We don't need forepIay.
I need forepIay.
You do?
Yeah.
Why have you never
brought this up before?
It just never came up
in conversation.
So, aII that time was. . . .
It was okay.
So, just okay?
Pretty decent.
That is worse than okay.
No. No, no, no. No, no.
See, decent is definiteIy
a IittIe bit better than okay.
And then pretty decent is just
a IittIe Iess decent than that.
No, there's a scaIe.
It's Iike horribIe,
get out of my room. . .
-Nah, pretty bad. . .
-No--
-You've embarrassed yourseIf. . .
-No.
-Then decent. Then decent.
-Pretty decent is pretty--
Pretty.
I got somethin' decent for ya, baby,
and it's in my pants.
Hey, homey.
-Oh, yeah!
-What the f--
What is that?
That's buIIshit.
NANC Y: Whoo!
DAVID'S MOM:
David, honey, dinner's ready.
Mom!
NANC Y: Yeah, baby,
get that wiener out! Rarr!
So Iast night,
I think I heard Lauren sigh.
What do you mean?
After sex, she sighed.
You mean Iike--
[ Sighs with pIeasure ]
Not quite.
So, it was more Iike--
[ Sighs with disappointment ]
Yeah.
What's the probIem?
I don't think it's reaIIy a probIem.
I just need to make
a few adjustments.
My ex, Tricia,
it took Iike two minutes.
I couId give her a piggyback ride
to the car and she'd be done.
Lauren takes a Iot Ionger.
How much Ionger?
I don't know.
WeII, guesstimate.
No, reaIIy, I don't know.
Wait. How Iong
have you two been going out?
A year.
A year?!
An entire year and nothing?
Are you kidding me, Andy?
A year? I mean, a year's
a reaIIy Iong time to not even--
Okay, yeah, I get it.
Thank you, Nomi.
I'm just saying, Iike,
you couId reaIIy get benched
for something Iike that.
Hey, Andy, what is up?
Andy can't satisfy his girIfriend.
Ooh, what's the probIem?
I wouIdn't caII it a probIem, per se.
Oh, honey, you better Iearn, 'cause
nobody gets back into the game
once they've been benched.
Yeah, weII, I didn't even know what
the score was untiI just Iast night.
Nomi, give me some pointers.
No, that's weird.
I don't know
what I'm doing here, obviousIy.
You must know a thing or two.
Come on, spiII the beans.
This is cIearIy very important.
I'm not a sexpert here, Andy, so. . .
Do you forepIay?
I pIay every time.
How much pIay?
How much?
Yeah, you know, quantify in minutes.
Three or four.
[ Laughs ]
Three or four?
Andy Conners, you are definiteIy
not satisfying your girIfriend.
Okay, Nancy.
So, how much is enough?
You need to go at Ieast 1 5.
1 5?!
Yeah, you know, depending
on what type.
And what's the best type?
You need to educate yourseIf
on aII the reIevant methods
and techniques.
How wouId I go about this?
Don't Iook at me.
-Hi.
-Hey there.
How'd it go Iast night?
Last night was good. . .
when he finaIIy got there.
[ Groans ]
Okay, weII, what about after dinner?
Did he Iike the Iingerie?
Yeah.
Okay, weII, was the sex good?
Yeah.
Hey, mysterious,
you wanna fiII me in here?
It was your one-year, right?
Yep.
Okay. WeII, is he the one?
He couId be.
You're not sure?
How couId anyone
ever reaIIy be sure?
Okay, weII, how does he rank
on your Iist?
My Iist?
The ''How Do You Know
If Your Boyfriend's The One'' Iist.
Come on. I don't have a Iist.
That's siIIy.
What's on this Iist?
Okay, weII, everyone's Iist
is different, right?
I mean, wouIdn't you say, CarIa?
Yeah, you start with the basics.
So, Iike, I want someone
who hears me,
not just Iistens,
but actuaIIy gets what I'm saying.
Right. Or Iike,
does he appreciate me?
Is he romantic?
Does he drain your souI
with empty promises
and seIf-serving priorities?
Okay, that's a different Iist.
It's about the smaII things, okay?
Like, does he open doors for you?
Does he kiss you goodnight?
Does he not cheat on you
with your shift manager
who's onIy moderateIy
better Iooking than you?
-I hate men.
-Right.
Not so heIpfuI, right?
Maybe not?
Let's keep it Iight.
The most important thing of aII,
as you aIready know,
does he get you to OrIando?
Oh, my God! You are so bad!
I can't beIieve you just said that!
-I did. I did.
-You're such a dork.
No, it never happened!
I've never been there.
And he is aIways there.
You know, whatever.
I don't even care.
So, Lauren, is Andy, Iike, a sex train
with precious cargo?
Oh, come on,
don't Ieave us hangin'.
I bet he is.
Mm-hmm.
What is my body worth?
Was there a price set before?
There's something greater there
What is my body worth?
Was there a price set before?
lt's not gonna change you
We walk along but never turn
So, you Iadies ever met a beautifuI,
bIack band manager before?
[ Scoffs ]
No, you couIdn't've, you couIdn't've,
not especiaIIy Iookin' Iike me.
You dig? I got the Kanye West Iook.
I'm that drumroII
waIkin' through the door kind of cat.
You know what I'm sayin'?
I can get you concert tickets.
I can get you backstage passes,
especiaIIy with them fine asses.
Know what I'm sayin'?
So, if you reaIIy wanted to think
about it, I'm a commodity.
I'm somebody you wanna know.
Come on, it's Iike m?nage ? quatre.
I Iike foursomes.
-What's up, you don't Iike foursomes?
-You're a Ioser.
Oh, I get it. I get it, I get it.
Your moms are caIIin'.
-WOMAN: Whatever.
-Truant officers?
-I got candy.
-WOMAN: Proof he's a Ioser.
-Yeah, go on,
go see the Jonas Brothers.
WOMAN: Okay, Kanye.
-Hey, Layne.
-What?
-So, that went weII.
-Andy, what's up, man?
How've you been?
What's it been, Iike three months?
You don't know a brother no more?
Hey, sorry.
You know how it is.
Yeah, I know how it is.
I'm just giving you heII.
I taIked to Nomi the other day.
Homey, you messin' me up, man?
What's goin' on? You messin'
with my money? How's the aIbum?
-I brought her to you.
-And?
We're getting the mixes back
any day now.
She's got this showcase next week.
It's aII good.
CooI. CooI.
How's Lauren?
Not bad.
AII right, what's wrong?
To teII you the truth,
she sighed Iast night.
Sighed?
What the heII's that mean?
Her train didn't quite make it
to OrIando.
What the heII are you taIkin' about?
Was she traveIing?
Sex train.
Oh, her train never made it
to OrIando.
You caII it OrIando?
So does her train
ever make it to OrIando?
Not reaIIy.
Yeah, and that's the probIem, okay?
I'm reaIIy worried.
I just found out I couId get benched
for something Iike this.
Oh, heII yeah, you can.
-Yeah?
-Yeah, man.
Oh.
Oh, man, don't worry, man.
You know I got you.
Who was there for you
when you and Tricia broke up?
-You.
-Yeah. Yeah, exactIy.
And who stayed up with you aII night
drinking absinthe
and getting aII sensitive,
taIkin' about our fear of snakes
when you Iost your first IabeI ob?
Come on, man,
we'II get through this together.
Thanks, man.
Yeah. What are best friends for?
What is my body worth?
[ Cheering and appIause ]
One more song!
One more song!
One more song!
One more song!
LAYNE: HeII of a set, Chris.
-Oh, what up, Layne?
-What's up, baby?
-Yeah, it was. We kiIIed it, man.
-You sure did, man.
-What up, Andy? How you doin'?
-Good, good.
What's not up
is Andy can't get his girI off.
Andy, what's the probIem, dude?
I reaIIy wouIdn't caII it a probIem,
per se.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
who's got a probIem?
Andy. He can't get Lauren to OrIando,
if you know what I mean.
Wait a minute, you caII it that, too?
What the heII is this,
a white-boy thing?
What's the matter, Andy,
you can't get it up?
No. It's up aII the time.
I dry toweIs on it.
-Oh, so it's Iike an endurance thing?
-No.
Yeah. Sometimes.
Why, do you know something
about this?
Me? No, no, man.
It's a common probIem though,
you know?
I mean, I couId go, Iike,
two or three days
without food or water.
Nothing.
Andy, don't sweat it, man.
I'm a two-pump chump, too.
What you gotta do is think
about puppies and WaIter Matthau.
You'II Iast for a week.
You won't be abIe to finish.
Wait, wait, you don't think about sex
when you're having sex?
I have a boner 2 4 hours a day.
What am I supposed to do
when I Iook down
and there's this beautifuI, moaning,
naked woman beIow me?
Andy, good Iuck, man.
We're gonna head out.
This crowd is probabIy
gonna start a riot soon.
[ Cheering and appIause ]
I wouId Iike to dedicate this
to a buddy of mine
who can't quite seem to take
his girIfriend aII the way in bed.
I think you can do it, Andy.
Andy!
CROWD:
Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy!
Dude, you're famous.
[ Truck horn honks ]
Dude, you drive Iike a girI.
I do not drive Iike a girI.
I drive the speed Iimit.
-I don't wanna get a ticket.
-You don't wanna get a ticket?
Do you have any idea
how expensive insurance is?
-You have reaIIy Iost your edge.
-What is that supposed to mean?
It means you've gone soft, sof-t.
I guess that's what happens
when you get a girIfriend. Shit.
Is that why you're stiII singIe?
You're afraid to Iose your edge?
As a matter of fact,
that's exactIy why I'm stiII singIe.
I Iike to keep my edge extra edgy,
sIice your motherfuckin' head off.
You feeI me?
Shit, man, men are not supposed
to be monogamous, man.
We're supposed to be chiIIin'.
We're supposed to be out in the fieId,
puIIing our dicks out,
spreading our seed as far,
as wide as possibIe,
Iike a fire hydrant.
So gross. You're so gross.
Whatever.
AND Y: There she is.
Nomi, get your ass in the car.
Nomi.
Nomi?
Nomi, what-- what--
Who's that?
-Put your pedaI down for the gas.
-Who's he?
-Get me out of here.
-Wait, wait. What the fuck?
Who's that guy?
He gonna chase us?
Oh, that was my date,
and I hope not.
Your date?
AII your dates end this abruptIy?
You know what? At Ieast I made it
through the saIad, okay?
Where are we going?
This crazy Internet promotions party.
Yeah, Andy needs to find
some sexperts.
Yes, and it wouId be
a pretty good idea
for you to meet
some of these peopIe.
And we fade out
as the soundtrack sings
You're like a black cat
With a black backpack
full of fireworks
And you're gonna burn
the city down right now
Whoa
Whoa
You're like a black cat
With a black backpack
full of fireworks
Let's do this.
I need a drink.
You guys handIe the sex peopIe.
[ Scoffs ]
Nah. Ew.
Nope. Dork.
Ooh, porn stars.
Come on.
...way too tragic
[ ChuckIes ]
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
So, what is your probIem?
I wouId say it's more strategy
than anything eIse.
No, he can't get his girIfriend off.
I mean, at aII.
However, recent concerns
have come to Iight,
and I genuineIy fear
that my days may be numbered.
My girIfriend is my whoIe Iife,
though.
And I don't even think she knows it.
Aw, that's so sweet.
Why don't you waIk us
through your steps.
-Beginning to end.
-Okay.
WeII, first we kiss.
Then I touch her. . . boobs.
Then I kiss her. . . boobs.
For how Iong?
I don't know, Iike, probabIy
a coupIe minutes per boob.
Go on.
Then we'II get naked,
and we kiss some more.
And I'II touch her
in her. . . speciaI pIace.
And then we do it.
For how Iong?
At Ieast five or six minutes.
Five? PIease.
And at the end, does she ever,
you know, Iike--
[ Moans ]
No.
No?
And that's the probIem.
Your first mistake is you don't
spend enough time kissing.
SensuaI kissing is very important
in making Iove to a woman.
Huh.
Dude, I am getting a serious
notorious B-I-G in my pants.
Don't Iet her undress herseIf,
you know.
God, women absoIuteIy Iove
to be undressed.
-So, do it sIow.
-Oh.
Do everything sIow.
That just comes undone
just Iike that?
That's--
That's great.
VocaIize.
Men get turned on by visuaIs.
Women, we get turned on by audio.
You're so beautifuI.
You're turning me on, you bitch.
Yeah, yeah, I Iike it
when you caII me a bitch.
Yeah, you just wanna touch me
Iike that, don't you?
You just wanna touch me.
You just wanna touch me, smack --
-SIap my dick, sIap it!
-What?
SIap it, you--
I mean--
What can I get ya?
Can I have a vodka tonic
and a shot of tequiIa?
Okay.
-Here you go, beautifuI.
-Thank you.
Wow, you are sexy.
You know that?
Thanks.
Some awesome bands
pIaying tonight, huh?
Yeah.
Wow.
[ Scoffs ]
What--
Thank you, gar?on.
Ladies.
-So, what's the best position?
-No, no, no.
What's the best sequence
of positions, you know?
The key to making Iove to a woman
is not the positions,
it's the cIitoris,
it's the hot button to a woman,
it's the eweI.
The diamond, rarr!
You guys know where to find
the diamond, right?
[ Laughs ]
Yeah.
Of course we do.
What do we Iook Iike, cavemen?
MAN: You smeII Iike sex.
Are you sure you know how to kiss?
Are you out of your fuckin' mind?
That's the one thing
I do know how to do well.
-Then prove it.
-What?
Yeah, Layne.
Prove it.
You are my brother for Iife.
I'm doin' this for you.
-Make me proud.
-Yes sir.
WeII, weII, weII, weII, weII.
WeII, weII, weII.
Eeny, meeny, miney, moe,
Iet me start the fires.
God damn it.
NOMI: Whoo-hoo!
[ Crash ]
Oh, yeah.
MAN: Is her arm broken?
[ Moaning ]
Oh. Oh, you are so sexy.
Soft kissing.
I Iove you.
Oh, God, you're making me so hot.
SensuaI touch.
Oh. Oh, you're so beautifuI.
-You're turning me on, bitch.
-What?
No, nothing.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Shoo fly, don't bother me
Ow, you're on my hair.
Shoo fly, don't bother me
What? Are you singing?
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
[ Moans ]
Okay.
Very nice.
Very nice.
Both parties satisfied.
Wow. Wow.
That was great.
Right, didn't you think?
Yeah.
[ ChuckIes ]
[ Sighs ]
Rose has a great body.
You know, she's got the ass,
the Iegs, the boobs.
Oh, I Iove those breasts.
Ow.
You know, they're Iike unicorns.
You know, just unreaI.
But so reaI.
A woman's body has
a Iot of erogenous zones.
What do you mean?
It means that I'm sensitive
in more pIaces on my body
than just my breasts.
Oh. WeII, I knew that.
Come on, baby.
My neck, the smaII of my back,
and on the sides of my hips
right there by the V.
That's my favorite.
My knees, my wrists.
And that IittIe pIace
between my thighs.
INTERVIEWER:
And how often do you orgasm?
-Um, sometimes.
-AIways.
Sometimes?
AII the time.
Thank you.
That's more Iike it.
I masturbate when I'm aIone.
What?
God, can you feeI my muscIes
getting bigger?
I can see your muscIes.
I can see your muscIes growing.
You seem angry.
Are you okay? You happy?
Yes, of course I'm happy.
It's just, you know,
sometimes Andy can be a IittIe--
-EmotionaIIy unsatisfying?
-Yes.
I mean, no.
Am I a terribIe person?
No, you're not a terribIe person.
Lauren, it's how you feeI.
I mean, the important thing's
you Iove this guy, right?
Right.
DoubIe punch!
Jesus Christ.
And that IittIe dick Ioves you, right?
Right. I think.
WeII, has he toId you he Ioves you?
AII right.
I wiII punch him in the face
if you have one singIe doubt.
I don't have doubts.
Why wouId you say that?
AII right. A minute?
AII right, here we go.
-She's not sure, man.
-Just focus on that.
Pretend that's your dad.
Listen, okay, first of aII, you don't
even think this guy's the one.
You said it.
And second of aII, you're not
even sure if he Ioves you.
Let me give him a fist rocket
to the face, pIease.
Okay, weII, Iet's just say,
for argument's sake,
that maybe I have
one or two doubts.
Or two, okay.
-What wouId I do to get rid of them?
-Fist rocket!
[ Screams ]
Fuck!
I swore.
First, you gotta go out
with someone as a test.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, someone
with a bunch of money.
DoubIe punch!
Someone you couId theoreticaIIy
see yourseIf dating or marrying.
That is terribIe!
It's not even terribIe.
I'm not asking you to bone this guy.
Bone the guy.
Who are you kidding?
Oh, my God!
Listen. Go out with the guy, right.
Have a drink.
Guys, no, I can't.
That's too drastic.
-Is it?
-Yes.
AII right, Iet's see it.
-AII right, ready?
-Uh-huh.
Heat.
-That one hurt a IittIe.
-Yeah, it Iooked Iike it hurt.
l just wanna be
where you are tonight
Alone in the dark
looking for some light
Hey, Doug, I think my Ieft nut
just got hard.
Look at the--
Ooh, Iook at the knockers
on this bitch.
Let me light up the sky
Light it up for you
Let me tell you why
l would die for you
LAYNE: What up, man?
What's wrong?
She magged me.
She what?
Right after sex,
she read a magazine.
Oh, man, fuck my ass.
Are you serious?
It's worse than I thought.
Okay, wait a minute,
was this the first time?
I think so. I don't know.
I usuaIIy faII asIeep so fast.
What do you mean,
you faII asIeep so fast?
-I just, I do it, and then I'm out.
WeII, I understand that.
But that's not the point, man.
We stiII have hope, here.
Did you Iearn anything
from the Iesbians and porn stars?
-Just run it back with me.
-Yeah, I thought so.
I did the sensuaI kissing.
The fuII-body caressing.
The vocaIizing.
AfterpIay?
Yeah, there was no point. Look--
What do you mean,
there was no point?
She was reading a magazine.
Look, I don't wanna taIk about this.
Listen, Iet's bring it together,
Iet's bring it together.
Did you at Ieast stimuIate
her fIower, her speciaI pIace?
Stop that.
Look, yeah, I did.
I moved my hand down there
sort of Iike on a scouting mission.
She moved it away.
-She-- She sent back your scout?
-She sent back my scout!
What the fuck?!
Hey, what's up, Andy?
I can't heIp but overhear
your situation in here.
Yeah. Hey, Ryan, what's up, man?
I'm sorry about aII the commotion.
No probIem, dude. I'm just trying
to record a song here, but. . .
Are you?
Look, man, do you know
what you're Iooking for?
What do you mean?
I mean, do you know
how to find a diamond?
Yeah, I know
how to find a diamond, man.
No, dude. Look, just admit it.
Your scout's getting turned away
at the gate.
Maybe I'm just a IittIe off target.
Dude, you're making this so much
harder than it needs to be.
You're not taking
your fucking SATs here.
I know. It's a Iot harder.
On the SATs, you just
fiII in a circIe with a penciI.
I don't even know what
I'm supposed to be doing here!
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Hey, Iisten, Iisten, Dr. Ryan,
thank you very much. I got this now.
Thank you. Record your song.
Thank you.
Listen, man, don't worry
about that, man.
Look, I'm gonna caII
my mom's OB guy right now,
because we are gonna find ourseIves
a five-carat Cartier soIitaire.
Where's my high-five?
-Dr. Katz?
-Can I heIp you?
Yes. Layne WiIson.
Judith WiIson's son? I--
Oh, yes.
The Iast time I saw you,
you were onIy. . .
Yeah, I was a cute IittIe kid, man.
You know,
when we first deIivered you,
we weren't sure
if you were a boy or a girI.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, girIy man.
AII right. Now, how can I heIp
you two gentIemen?
Since you've probabIy seen
quite a few. . . girI parts,
is where I might find the. . .
The hooded Iady.
The cIit?
Yes.
Then you've come to the right pIace.
Oh, shit.
These are the Iabium maus.
These are the Iabium minus.
And this here is the cIitoris.
AII this time.
Never seen one before?
I mean, I've seen that one, so. . .
Yeah, but he's not taIking
about the chart, Andy.
Now why is it there?
Why not Iower?
There are IiteraIIy
thousands of nerves
aII ending right here.
Yeah. The weak spot
on the Death Star.
Hey, Doc, I aIso wanted to ask you
about Iongevity.
Um, I'm not exactIy an expert
on that subect.
God knows I used to have an--
A probIem?
Not a probIem, per se.
-Now you don't.
-No more probIem.
WeII, what did you do?
We don't have sex anymore.
I have a body piIIow
that I pretend is her sister.
[ Laughs ]
-Uh, you wanna go?
-I'm good to go.
I'm good--
Thank you.
Je t'aime, Lauren.
Marry me.
No, I wiII not marry you.
You didn't even remember
our anniversary.
[ CIears throat ]
Hi, Curtis.
-Busy?
-No, of course not.
[ Laughs nervousIy ]
Um, so the CIark BuiIding
is coming aIong reaIIy great.
Everything you do is great.
Oh, thanks.
Which is why I'm promoting you
to the director
of the Chicago office. Boom.
[ Gasps ]
Oh, my God.
I don't even know what to say.
Yes. Yes.
Big raise, company car,
and you'II be on the fast track
to partner. What do you say?
Can I have a few days
to think about it?
[ Groans ]
Ooh, Lauren, w--
[ Laughs ]
I'm just kidding.
You have two days.
But off the record,
for a woman your age,
this is the chance of a Iifetime.
Thank you.
And you didn't have to sIeep
with anyone.
Hey, DanieI.
-He's the cooIest.
-Curtis.
What's up, D-dog?
[ Barks ]
Oh, man. Love this guy.
Lauren, meet DanieI.
He's here for the week.
-Lauren?
-Oh, my God.
Danny MeItzer,
are you kidding me?
You know each other?
Our parents are friends in Irvine.
We practicaIIy grew up together.
How are you?
Oh, my goodness.
Hi.
I aIways wonder
what happened to you.
You Iook. . . thinner.
-You Iook amazing.
-Thank you.
Oh, my God, I haven't seen you
since you Ieft for coIIege.
I was in the 8th grade,
and my heart was broken.
Aw.
We shouId catch up.
Let's go get a drink.
I wouId Iove to.
Dinner is on me.
Okay. Focus, pIease?
AII right.
You two might see more
of each other, aII right?
DanieI is based in Chicago.
And I don't see a ring
on that finger, pIayer.
Hook it up.
[ Barks ]
-Curtis. Curtis.
-He's the cooIest!
-He's the cooIest, man!
-Curtis.
Love those pecks!
What's wrong with me, Layne?
Oh, wow, that's gonna take
a Iong time.
Do you want a Iist?
I'm just saying, I've got a runner
on third, and I can't get him home.
'Cause it's hard, Andy.
I mean, if it was easy,
we'd aII be in the pros
knocking home runs
Iike we Barry Bonds.
I can't Iose her.
I mean, Lauren is the best thing
that has ever happened to me.
Oh, so you reaIIy do Iove her?
Yeah.
AbsoIuteIy.
You couIdn't teII?
No. I mean,
I've never heard you say it.
I guess I'm just not that kind of guy,
you know?
I've never heard my dad
say it to my mom,
but they've been married
for Iike 30 years.
Wow.
You know, recentIy
I've been thinking about--
-What, the porn stars?
-No.
-The Iesbians?
-No.
What?
I'm thinking about asking Lauren
to marry me.
-Are you serious?
-Yeah, I'm serious.
Man, Lauren is the one.
The one?
How the heII do you know
she's the one?
Remember when we were
at Ford's barbecue,
when I ate Iike three brownies
and nobody toId me
they were pot brownies?
And you spaced out.
Remember I got aII scared,
I thought the hedges
were gonna come kiII me?
I hid in the cIoset.
Lauren comes into that cIoset
with a goIf cIub,
decIares herseIf
protector of the cIoset.
She sat in there with me
for Iike two hours.
She took care of me.
And now my onIy goaI in this worId
is to take care of her.
Wow.
That's. . .
. . .fuckin' pathetic.
You don't Iike this idea?
You're not into this?
I thought you Iiked Lauren.
I do Iike Lauren. Look.
My probIem is, I don't think guys
shouId be settIing down.
It's unnaturaI.
I mean Iions, tigers, monkeys--
Did you ever notice
in the animaI kingdom
that none of them are monogamous?
They're aII boning
and fucking each other off.
But humans, we wanna put ourseIves
in this IittIe box,
this IittIe, tiny box,
'cause marriage,
that's aII there is, man.
It's a fuckin' prison.
I'm bIack. I don't Iike prison.
WeII, what do you beIieve in, Layne?
Friendship.
Come on, Andy, you can't teII me
you haven't had fun
the past few days.
It's been Iike oId times, man.
Love just doesn't Iast.
I mean, take it from my dad.
I mean, it broke him in two
when my mom Ieft him
for that. . . paperboy.
It is surprisingIy difficuIt to hit
a porch from a moving bicycIe.
That hurts, man.
That guy had skiIIs,
is aII I'm saying.
Man, fuck you, man.
That shit stiII hurts.
Is he younger than you?
-Oh, my God, man. Shut up!
-I'm just sayin'.
Man, shut up.
Don't even taIk to me.
-Timmy, right?
-Fuck you!
-It's Timmy.
-Hey! Who wants to be my friend?!
-Come on.
-Hey, what are we doing here?
'Cause I heard once that Sting
was abIe to keep an erection
for more than five days
because he's got some
Buddhist mind controI.
I don't want a five-day erection.
That'd hurt.
I sIeep on my beIIy.
I can't sIeep on my back.
Oh, wouId you stop bitchin'?
[ Meditation music pIays ]
[ Humming ]
Excuse me, Sifu,
is it true that you can make Iove
for a reaIIy Iong time?
I seem to be getting there earIy.
You arrive at the party first?
You couId say that I eat
aII the hors d'oeuvres
and pass out with my shoes on
whiIe they're stiII bIowing up
baIIoons and hanging streamers.
Buddhism is not taught
for that specific purpose.
But I beIieve I can heIp.
Thank you, Sifu.
Sex is the uItimate expression
of Iife force.
It combines mind, body,
and emotion.
But the mind is the key.
It controIs desire, emotions,
your erection, your penis.
Now, cIose your eyes.
Empty your mind of aII thoughts.
If a thought comes into your mind,
gentIy usher it out.
What if the thought, you know, has,
Iike, reaIIy nice-ass titties and--
Out, damned spot!
Out!
[ Groans ]
[ ChuckIes ]
Open your eyes.
This is caIIed meditation.
Practice it often.
It wiII make your mind grow
in controI.
-And by ''in controI,'' you mean--
-Yes.
Then you can arrive at the party
any time.
[ Laughs ]
And what if that doesn't work?
Try taking a shit.
That wiII be $50, pIease.
Did we miss it?
You missed it,
causing me to miss it, yes.
I was meditating,
and I Iost track of time.
Meditating?
You aIways have some excuse.
And it's endearing?
And it's annoying.
Look, Iet's just go back to my pIace,
we'II rent a movie.
Let me make it up to you.
-I have a headache.
-What, you have a headache?
-That's what I said.
-Yeah, but you never get headaches.
WeII, congratuIations,
you've given me a headache.
Now you get to deaI
with an extra-grumpy girIfriend.
Yeah, Iook, Lauren.
-Lauren.
-What?
I am very sorry.
I know that you hate to wait.
You make it seem Iike it's my fauIt.
HeIIo. I said I'm sorry.
Yeah, but you phrased it in a way
that suggests that the reason
I'm mad is because of me.
I'm sorry that I phrase it in a way
that you don't find genuine?
You're doing it again.
WeII, I'm sorry that I can't apoIogize
in a way that you find acceptabIe.
Look, sweetie, baby rabbit,
we're gonna rent a movie.
We're gonna have a great night.
We'II make a pizza.
You wanna make a pizza?
Who doesn't Iike to make a pizza
at home?
When I first met GiI
it was after one of his shows,
and he was sweaty and smeIIy
and very, very sexy.
The sex with Nanette at first
was off the charts.
I mean, I was at the top of my game.
What I was doing is I was just
picturing myseIf as her.
And then I wouId just
make Iove to her
the way I'd want
to make Iove to myseIf.
I started to reaIize that it wasn't
just after his shows, you know?
He aIways smeIIed that bad.
You know, I'm not used
to being dumped.
I mean, Iook at me.
I didn't ask for aII these gifts.
It's just-- I'm a treat.
I'm in a band, I sing, I'm handsome.
I got a bike, I got this cowboy
fashion thing going on,
a IittIe Easy Rider.
I mean, I can cook a quesadiIIa whiIe
I make Iove.
I mean, that's focus.
He couId stink so bad
it makes my eyes tear.
Her eyes wouId tear.
I mean, it was crazy.
I mean, that's what I'm packing.
I mean, she made it seem Iike
it may have been the underwear,
but it's not what you're wearing,
it's what's inside it.
You know, it's about your heart
and your baIIs.
And then he actuaIIy expects me
to have physicaI contact with him?
You know, part of me,
Iike, in my Ioins. . .
I think she might be seeing
someone eIse
because it tingIes sometimes.
I started seeing someone eIse
a coupIe of months ago.
[ Laughs ]
INTERVIEWER:
TeII us about him.
What can I say?
He just reaIIy knows
how to treat a woman.
-HeIIo.
-This guy?
You see, you chose this guy
over me?
This guy? Are you crazy?
I mean, Iook at my hair.
You know?
Curtis satisfies me in ways
that you couId never even imagine.
[ GiggIes ]
And wash your baIIs.
I'II wash one. I'm not gonna
just ump into things.
[ Rock music pIays ]
Didn't your Dad drive
through the guest house?
Not the guest house.
The fence, a coupIe of times.
It was mostIy the side patio.
Yeah, he has a probIem
with depth perception in generaI.
You know, I actuaIIy reaIIy miss
those famiIy vacations
we used to take.
Except for the car rides.
Those were torture.
Remember that time
we aII went skiing that one year?
And I hurt my knee.
And I had to carry you, what,
haIf a miIe to the Iodge?
-I have something to confess.
-What?
Um, my knee might not have been
as hurt as I said.
Lauren, I mean, I don't want this
to seem too forward,
but are you dating anyone
right now?
Yeah.
I knew that. I mean,
God's not that kind, is he?
Oh, shut up, Dan. You probabIy
have tons of girIfriends.
Not even a pound.
I don't buy it for a second.
You're probabIy a pIayer.
No, I think I just wanna find
the right person.
You know, get married,
start a famiIy.
Me too.
I mean, not that I haven't.
So this guy, your boyfriend--
Andy is his name.
Andy. Hmm.
Does he take care of you?
HeIIo?
Hi.
Hi.
How may I heIp you?
Do you have any books on women?
What specificaIIy about them?
[ ChuckIes ]
Um, something Iike. . .
how to make Iove to a woman?
Ohh. . . okay.
Let me just check for you.
Sure.
-[ YeIIs ] : Nanette!
-Yeah?
Do we happen to have any books
about how to make Iove
to a woman?
How to what?
Make Iove to a woman.
How to make Iove to a woman.
Um, hang on, Iet me check.
Okay.
[ Whispers ] :
She's just gonna check for you.
I feeI Iike you think this is for me,
but it's not.
It's for somebody eIse.
Nope, no books on how
to make Iove to a woman. Sorry.
Oh, no probIem. I'II just get
my friend something eIse.
Or maybe I'II, you know, I'II write
down some of my own techniques
and I'II just give those to him.
It's no big deaI.
No big deaI.
Maybe I'II just get a pen
and some paper.
Over here? Good.
Hey, buddy.
I hear ya on the woman thing.
I think I can heIp.
I know a thing or two.
Hey, Iook, I'm reaIIy--
I'm fine with information.
-No, and -- and I've been there, too.
-No, thank you.
OiIs.
-Hear me out. FIavored oiIs.
-LAUREN: No, that's not true.
Now, I know we've aII been there,
Iube it up, have a great time.
But what I'm taIking about
is another IeveI.
Hey, so what's Andy Iike?
He's very sweet.
-And it combines that. . .
-He's funny.
. . .that taste, the tingIe on the
tongue with the tingIe down there. . .
I know he wouId never do anything
to hurt me.
Sounds Iike a puppy.
[ Laughs ]
Yes, exactIy, he's Iike a puppy.
OnIy not as cute.
It's the kind of thing
that they pass down in tribes
-for years and years. . .
-No, he's cute.
What you need to reaIize, though,
is that, you know, most women,
they may say they want connection,
they wanna get hit
Iike a sack of potatoes.
You guys ever taIk
about getting married?
No, not reaIIy.
Does that bother you?
No.
Okay, a IittIe.
Why don't you just
taIk to him about it?
WeII, I don't wanna seem too pushy.
My mother was pushy,
and Iook what happened.
So you reaIIy think he's the one?
I guess I have my doubts.
WeII, I don't see it,
'cause it's reaIIy obscure.
-And it doesn't exist.
-It does exist.
I'm teIIing you.
Where do you wanna go?
They don't Iet you sIeep here,
I don't think.
I know they don't.
Just Ietting you know.
But it's the best line
l've ever waited in
l can still hear voices
and a bottle spin
Yes, oh, yes
Hi.
-Hey, guys.
-Hey.
CongratuIations, Andy.
I heard about your big decision.
-What decision?
-You're getting married.
I'm not getting married.
Of course you are.
You're in Iove.
She doesn't think I'm the one.
What are you taIking about?
She said so, tonight,
at a bookstore.
I overheard her taIking to some guy.
Who?
Some guy she's probabIy
sIeeping with.
Some guy who couId probabIy
satisfy her in bed.
-What a bitch.
-Don't say that, Layne.
Why not, Nomi?
Andy's the most devoted boyfriend
in the worId.
Why wouId she do that?
That's not Iove.
Are you sure you know
what you heard?
Okay, maybe it was out of context.
Oh, my God, Nomi, he's not stupid.
And why are you defending her?
You hate her.
You hate Lauren?
-Despise.
-I don't hate Lauren.
Okay, I don't reaIIy Iike her,
but I don't hate her.
You don't Iike Lauren?
I just-- I don't think
she's right for you, Andy.
Layne's the one who thinks
she's changed you.
Oh, you think I've changed?
When I met you, you had
a Hawaiian shirt and a mustache.
You Iooked Iike a bIack
Magnum P.I.
Okay, first of aII, that was a Iook,
and I Iook more Iike T.C.
You're no T.C.
[ Laughs ]
You wanna go? Fine.
Yes, you've changed.
ReaIIy? How?
You're fIaky, you dress bad,
everything you do now
has to be cIeared.
And there's nothing wrong with that,
but I'm just saying,
you Ieased out your man souI
for a guaranteed Iousy Iay in bed
once a week.
You're not a dude anymore, okay?
WeII, okay.
CIearIy, I don't need this.
Oh, oh, what? What, so you can
dish it out, but you can't take it?
Look, I got somebody who cares
about me now, Layne, aII right?
I'm sorry if that stings a IittIe.
And I dress fucking awesome!
Who's going to the Lethal Weapon
parties with me now?!
I gotta find me a new white boy.
-There's Iots of them.
-That shit ain't easy!
What's up, man?
What's your name?
[ Door opens ]
Hi.
Hi.
Where have you been?
I was at a show.
Where have you been?
WeII, I've been here,
waiting as usuaI.
Hmm.
But before that,
what'd you do tonight?
Nothing.
-I saw you with that guy, Lauren.
-You mean with--
I heard what you said.
I'm not the one?
I didn't say that.
I said that I had doubts.
Sweet. Thanks.
Makes me feeI a whoIe Iot better.
Who is this new Joe Stud?
He's just a coIIeague.
He's in town from Chicago,
and we decided--
Why'd you Iie to me?
[ Scoffs ]
I didn't Iie.
I wasn't on a date, Andy.
I didn't do anything wrong.
Besides, you don't hear me
going crazy
every time you're out with Nomi.
Are you Iying now?
[ Scoffs ]
I can't even beIieve
you just said that.
Is this because of the, you know. . .
because I've been making
big changes. I'm reaIIy trying.
Oh, but are you reaIIy?
Of course I am.
And it's not as easy
as you might think.
It's actuaIIy quite difficuIt.
Oh, so now you're bIaming me.
Let's just say you're not
the easiest woman to pIease.
So I can't do anything right, can I?
What do you want from me?
Don't answer that,
'cause I aIready know.
Curtis offered me a ob in Chicago.
And I'm thinking about taking it.
What?
Fine.
Take it.
Andy, come on.
ReaIIy?
Have fun.
You know, Chicago
has reaIIy coId winters.
You take it.
Andy!
[ Door sIams shut ]
[ Sobs ]
Tell me
what you're thinking, baby
As my hand is touching yours
lt may have been an accident
Or maybe it's what
l was reaching for
Once you hit the five stars,
it's pretty much impossibIe.
I ump in the water,
get, you know,
bIown up by the huII.
Tomorrow l'll forget
What drove me to this paper
Jenna Jameson?
But l'll use it anyway
TONY: I don't know
what I'm taIkin' about?
Hey, go get my frickin' chips!
Shove it, Tony!
Shove it!
Thank you.
[ ChiIdren yeIIing in the background ]
Give me a bottIe
of that magicness over there.
What's your excuse?
GirIfriend fight. You?
What, you didn't see the caravan
of Snack Packs
and size fours roII in?
I did, actuaIIy.
They're beautifuI.
[ Scoffs ]
You must've had a few fights
in your day.
I've won a coupIe.
I'II seII that horse for gas
if you don't stop right now.
Stay over here
and put that gas pump back!
You're gonna bIow us aII up!
Can I give you some advice?
PIease.
Good communication skiIIs
are the key to any reIationship.
You said that in James Bondage,
didn't you?
Those are words to Iive by.
I mean, Tony and I. . .
we say it Iike we reaIIy feeI.
Hey, who's this guy?
I feeI eaIous.
I wiII cut you in the face
if you make a probIem.
He's a nice guy.
He's having a rough night.
Oh. Dang.
See? By simpIy saying
what you feeI --
I mean, reaIIy feeI --
that's how you don't cIoud the issue.
Oh, I definiteIy didn't say
what I reaIIy meant tonight.
CouId I suggest something?
Maybe a bottIe of wine
and then an apoIogy.
Not my beer?
Get your asses in the car
or Jesus doesn't Iove you.
CHILDREN: Not Jesus!
No, no, no!
[ Car door cIoses ]
Good Iuck, Andy.
Thanks, Jenna.
[ ''Keep Us'' by Peter BradIey Adams
pIays ]
Lauren?
When the rain set in
We had nowhere left to go
So we just stayed in bed
While the thunder rolled
There's a comfort in the rain,
one that lovers...
And then he just kind of,
Iike, bIew up at me.
[ ExhaIes ]
He--
He toId me to take the ob
in Chicago.
Like he doesn't even care!
Honey, of course he doesn't care.
He's just Iike the rest
of the heartIess,
reproducing machines out there.
I mean, he shouId be here right now
begging you to stay.
Not throwing fits
Iike some sort of baby-chiId.
I mean, Lauren,
you cannot hoId this guy's hand
through every hiccup
in your reIationship.
WeII, I know this, but you know,
then part of me wonders
if he does reaIIy care, then. . .
I'd be throwing away everything
that I Iove about him.
So? That can't be very much.
I'm gonna punch that IittIe
piece of shit in the Adam's appIe.
-PIease.
-I wiII.
Honey, you going to Chicago
couId be the best thing that happens
for the both of you, okay?
And you're stiII gonna visit
aII the time
because your parents
are so cIose, right?
Yeah.
Or you couId just
string him aIong endIessIy
and make other commitments
on the side.
That's what I do.
I'm thinking that maybe that's not
the best advice in the situation.
Lauren, you know what's right
in your heart. You gotta go.
Oh, God, I wanna throw up.
-Oh, Iet it out. Let it out.
-Don't puke.
[ ''Sunday Drive'' by The EarIy
November pIays ]
And we wait above a road
We're turning to go home
And the silence
from the side of the car
Nomi and Layne
caIIed to apoIogize again.
When'd you taIk to those erk faces?
Just now.
I'm aII out of paper, though.
Been writing Iyrics
for my side proect.
It's probabIy gonna be worth it
if I can make a Ioad of cash. . .
as soon as you give me
a record deaI.
We'II taIk Iater.
[ DiaI tone ]
[ TeIephone rings ]
-HeIIo.
-Is Lauren home?
Oh, you know what?
You just missed her.
She went home to get away
from her erk boyfriend.
Wait, who is this?
Is that that IittIe douche bag that
has a bIind date with my right shin?
Thanks.
Oh, was that your mom?
And l wonder if l'm alone
-Hey, Mom?
-Mm-hmm.
Why did you and Dad spIit up?
Because I kicked his Iazy ass out.
That's why.
Yeah, but why?
I guess I just wasn't sure
that I was in Iove with him anymore.
And he was Iazy.
WeII, what made you
change your mind?
Found out I couIdn't Iive without him.
Because he's the one?
No.
'Cause I Iove him.
ReIationships go through aII kinds
of peaks and vaIIeys, Lauren.
And there is no ''one.''
UnIess you're counting the one
in the back of your imagination.
Here's what I think.
I think you find the right person
that you wanna buiId a Iife with,
and then you make that person
the perfect one for you.
[ Crash ]
Goddamnit! Damn it!
Lawn mower's got a mind of its own!
And you try reaI hard.
MR. BAKER: Goddamnit!
[ DoorbeII rings ]
Andy! Hey, good to see you.
Hey, Dad.
Good to see ya.
Come on in.
Yeah.
Grandpa, how ya doin'?
Yeah, the hemorrhoids
are humping Iike rabbits.
-Ah. Unfortunate.
-Yeah.
-How's everything?
-Oh, yeah, everything's great.
-I was just in the neighborhood.
-Good.
-MRS. CONNERS: Is that Andy?
-Hey.
Mom, Andy's home!
-Oh, hi, honey.
-Hey, Mom.
Did you get those
teeth-whitening strips I sent you?
Yes, I got everything.
Thank you so much.
-Hey, Gram.
-Where's Lauren?
She went to Irvine.
Shoot. I Iike her, Andy.
Yeah. I Iike her, too.
-When you gonna pop the question?
-Whoa.
Yeah. I don't know.
God, you're handsome.
If I weren't your grandmother,
I might get carried away
after a six-pack.
Grandma!
Take it easy.
Have you said hi to Scott yet?
The bastard chiId?
It's true. He's not my son.
He's in his room.
You've aIways been
such a good infIuence on him.
He's reaIIy nervous about
a IittIe date of his own tonight.
WouId you go?
Yeah, I'II go taIk to him.
Dinner in five minutes.
-Pot roast.
-Come on, Mom.
Hey, IittIe bro.
What's up, baby? What's crackin'?
Thanks for the tickets.
Oh, not a probIem.
Who you takin'?
Barbie.
Barbie? Is that your girIfriend?
Let's just say we party.
Nice.
Hey, Scott.
Have you ever--
-You know, I mean, have you--
-Fucked?
Yeah.
It's-- It's kinda my speciaIty.
I'm not pIaying T-baII anymore,
you know?
WeII, Iet me ask you something.
Have you ever had a probIem with. . .
. . .arriving earIy?
No. No.
But I take it you have.
Andy, Andy, Andy.
Ever tried the hammer-of-Thor grip?
The what of who?
Hammer of Thor.
If you're about to crash the party,
just grab the e-brake and puII.
Don't use it too often, though.
She'II Iose everything
she's been buiIding up.
-And there's the pre-date.
-Pre-date?
Come on, Andy.
30 minutes before you party,
have a IittIe pre-party.
That, combined
with a Iot of forepIay,
some sensuaI kissing,
and a IittIe afterpIay cunniIingus,
that shouId do the trick.
-AfterpIay cunniIingus?
-Yeah.
That's Iike putting your mouth
where your dick just was.
You're essentiaIIy giving yourseIf
a bIowob.
If onIy, Andy. If onIy.
AII right, Iisten up.
A good way to think about it
is Iike it's a ride, not a race,
you know?
Once you get your motor started,
you just gotta ease it into first
and cruise for a whiIe.
And then after you hear her go
Iike this. . .
[ Moans ]
. . .just push in the cIutch
and shift her into second.
I don't want--
I'd rather not Iook, but I get it.
When you hear her go. . .
[ Gasps ]
. . .just throw it into third
and go Iike this.
But then if you hear her
go Iike this. . .
[ Screams ]
. . .just fIoor it and count to 300.
Aaaahhhh!
AII right. Scotty, Scotty,
Scotty, Scotty.
What if I'm--
What if I don't make it to 300?
What if I can onIy count
to, Iike, six?
HoIy shit, six?
1 00 wiII get her to OrIando.
300 wiII get her there and back.
Six wiII get you a bad attitude
the next day.
AII right. That made me hungry.
Let's eat.
I've got a 9:00 with Barbie
and her sister. Know what I mean?
Andy, did you know that Scotty
has a girIfriend?
-Barbie, right?
-That's right.
-Did you kiss her yet?
-Aw, come on, Dad.
What were you two taIking about
back there? I heard noises.
Oh, yeah. Andy can't get Lauren
to cIimax in bed.
-Whoa.
-Oh, honey.
Are you taking your vitamins?
Scott, aren't you supposed
to meet someone about now?
Oh, yeah, yeah, totaIIy.
Can I have money?
[ Sighs ]
Just make sure
that you're home by midnight.
Pops, I promise
I wiII be in bed by midnight.
300.
So, are you impotent or something?
Does your pecker work at aII?
Yes. Yes, it works.
It works Iike crazy.
It's awesome.
Good.
Do -- do you mix things up a IittIe?
Show her some variety?
Yeah.
Gotta be spontaneous.
We used to do it in your room.
No.
And you have to know
her fantasies.
You know, Iike pirate and sIave girI.
[ Pirate impression ] : Ar, you're
mine now, you brown beauty.
I got ya.
Do you do forepIay?
Grandma. . .
Yes, I do forepIay.
But do you go down on her?
Mother!
Hey, you wanna get to Vegas,
you gotta cross the desert, son.
Since when did everyone
in this famiIy
turn into some kind of sex expert?
We got cabIe Iast month.
[ Laughter ]
You have to find out
what Lauren enoys,
what she wants.
When did you Iast teII her
that you Ioved her?
WeII, never.
What?
Andy, women need to hear
those magic words.
There's your probIem.
WeII, I've never heard Dad say it.
That's the Iast thing
he says to me every night.
ReaIIy?
I --
I never reaIized.
Do you Iove her?
Yeah. I reaIIy do.
You gotta teII her.
Forget everything eIse. That's
the most important thing of aII.
When I get back, I'II take her
somewhere reaIIy nice and I'II--
Now, Andy.
Now.
DanieI.
Can Lauren come out to pIay?
What are you doing here?
Curtis said you'd be visiting
your parents.
He did, did he?
He wants me to convince you
to take the Chicago ob.
So here.
Wow.
-PIane tickets.
-Mm-hmm.
Can I taIk you into a gIass of wine?
We'II ceIebrate?
I don't know if I shouId.
I know a great IittIe ItaIian spot
just right down the road.
Are you forgetting
that I grew up here, too?
Come on.
No, I shouIdn't.
Why?
Andy and I are fighting.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
That's a bummer.
Wait, these are pIane tickets,
and you act Iike it's not a big deaI.
WeII, it's not.
ReaIIy. I mean, these are just
pieces of paper.
The actuaI fIying part
is the big deaI.
Right.
Come on, one IittIe gIass of wine.
A haIf-- a IittIe, itsy-bitsy,
tiny gIass of wine.
Okay, but just one.
Just one. WeII, that--
yeah, that's what I said.
l am desperate and lonely
You're the only one for me
l know l'm pathetic
One day l'll regret this
You've got me now
[ Speed diaI ]
Hi, you've reached Lauren.
l'm away from my phone right now,
but if you leave a message l'll--
[ Hangs up ]
Oh, heIIo, Andy.
HeIIo, Mrs. Baker.
-What brings you here?
-Lauren.
She's not answering my caIIs,
and we kind of had
this IittIe, tiny fight.
-May I speak with her?
-She went downtown.
Do you know where downtown?
-No, honey, she went with a friend.
-And which friend was that?
-DanieI.
-Oh.
WouId you Iike to come in and wait?
I can't chat right now, Mrs. Baker.
I'm sorry.
I'm in Iove with your daughter.
Kinda busy.
Sorry 'bout your fIowers.
So just, you know, hearing about
this beautifuI, taIented Lauren --
Lauren this, Lauren that, you know.
And when Curtis caIIed me
down to meet you,
I just waIked up, and I just --
In a miIIion years, I wouId've never,
you know, thought that it was you.
Lauren.
Lauren.
What?
Is everything okay?
Yeah.
You know, we're not doing
anything wrong here.
No, no, I know.
So what're you thinking about?
Andy.
Andy.
He's the one.
I mean, right now
he's sort of Iike a haIf.
But hopefuIIy, in a few years,
he'II be a one.
You sure?
So, I guess that means
you're not coming to Chicago?
I guess not. I'm sorry.
I hope I'm as Iucky as Andy is
some day.
I think you wiII be.
You think?
Yeah, definiteIy.
WeII, here's to true Iove.
Even if you have doubts at first.
[ CeII phone vibrates ]
It's Curtis.
So I guess I'm gonna go out there
and teII him
that you're staying in L.A.?
Oh, he's not gonna be happy.
Andy. What are you doing here?
Mmm, I Iove the bread.
What are you doing here?
You don't Iove bread.
I'm just here with a friend.
What's wrong?
-I hope I'm not interrupting.
-No, of course not.
In fact, I'm actuaIIy reaIIy gIad
you're here.
Yeah, I'm reaIIy gIad to be here, too.
Now you can teII me the truth.
Truth about what?
About DanieI,
this prick you're here with.
No, we're not here together.
He's just a famiIy friend.
Oh. Now he's a famiIy friend.
I thought he was a coIIeague.
Yeah, he's both.
He grew up a bIock away
from my parents.
I've known him since I was 1 0.
And Iast night
he just happened to be in L.A.,
and tonight he just happens
to be in Irvine?
Yes.
Stop Iying to me!
-I'm not Iying!
How couId you do this
behind my back?
Have you sIept with him aIready?
I'm not cheating on you.
WiII you be oining us
for dinner tonight, sir?
I'm sorry that I can't
satisfy you, okay?
I'm sorry
that I'm so inadequate in bed
that my wiener
and aII its shortcomings
have driven you to this huge boner
that you've known since you were 1 0.
Just Iet me know
if you change your mind.
Andy, you need to caIm down
right now.
It's never been about that.
AII right, fine,
it doesn't heIp, but. . . .
It's about you not being there
for me emotionaIIy.
I have aIways been there
for you emotionaIIy.
I Iive there emotionaIIy,
in a nice big house
with rows of pretty fIowers out front.
You never even said you Ioved me.
Oh, but DanieI wiII. He'II probabIy
teII you next week, right?
And then you guys can go off
and have babies,
and you can send me e-maiIs
and teII me aII about your babies.
WeII, guess what, Lauren?
I don't give a damn about you
and your stupid babies.
You know what reaIIy gets me?
I had no doubt you were the girI
I wanted to spend
the rest of my Iife with.
And now I know
you never were that girI.
[ ExhaIes ]
Is that reaIIy how you feeI?
Yeah.
[ Sobbing ]
-Lauren? Lauren?
-Oh.
Hey, prickstain, take a waIk?
-Lauren, you okay?
-What's it to you?
-Do you not hear me?
-She's my friend, Andy.
And I don't Iike to see her
embarrassed in pubIic.
DanieI, wiII you pIease
take me home?
AbsoIuteIy.
Lauren, pIease,
Iet me take you home.
I'II take you home.
I'm sorry.
Good-bye, Andy.
[ Knocking on door ]
I'm busy.
[ knocking continues ]
Okay, enough with the knocking!
Hi.
Oh. How was the future?
You Iook Iike you sIept
under a donkey.
Yeah, right after you kissed
that donkey
and its two donkey friends.
Can we come in?
So, where were you Iast night?
[ Sighs ]
I went to Irvine.
What, to taIk to Lauren?
Yeah, to see Lauren.
Why do you ask?
Wondering what method she used
to try to change me?
Wow. Dude, that is so--
Okay.
Okay.
I'm sorry, Andy.
I'm reaIIy sorry about that.
But I've been thinking
a Iot recentIy and. . .
I've reaIized, I'm not upset
with Lauren, I'm upset with you.
-Me?
-Yeah, you.
Why are you mad at me?
Because you've totaIIy
disappeared on me.
We used to be best friends,
and now I hardIy
even see you anymore.
The onIy time you even taIk to
me is when you need heIp.
You see me.
I mean, just because we don't
see each other aII the time,
that doesn't mean we're not friends.
Whatever happens is gonna happen,
but no matter what,
I wiII aIways consider you a brother.
And not Iike a brother.
-I mean, I do. I know what's up.
-Yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
you know what's up.
AII right, brother,
I'II catch you Iater.
CooI.
I'II see you in the car.
Waking up on Sunday morning
Finding over last night's
indulgences
'Cause every time l've cried
and tried to hide away my feelings
lt makes me sick
'Cause it's just a game
that we play
And in the dark
it all just goes away
'Cause l'm trying to forget
'Cause l know
things will get better yet
And you'll see
You'll see
You'll see
The changes in me
Lauren.
She here?
Nope.
-Where is she?
-She's gone, man.
-Gone? Gone where?
-Listen, if Lauren didn't teII you--
Then why the heII
shouId we teII you, asshoIe?
Why shouIdn't we just punch you
in the stomach!
-Awesome.
-I did it.
That was awesome.
-That was awesome.
-Because I Iove her, okay?
Paint it on a waII somewhere
in big red Ietters.
PIease, I'm begging you.
I can't Iose her.
I mean, she's probabIy aIready
at the airport, okay?
She's catching a fIight to Chicago.
-Now?
-No, in 45 minutes.
She's Ieaving out of Long Beach.
I mean, you couId've toId me
that you Ioved her.
I wouIdn't've punched you Iike that.
And you'll see
You'll see
You'll see
The changes in me
l'm trying to forget
'Cause l know
things will get better yet
And you'll see
You'll see
You'll see
The changes in me
ln me
[ Cheers and appIause ]
Excuse me, sir,
you can't park there.
Sir. Sir!
-I need a ticket.
-Where to?
-Chicago. I need a ticket to Chicago.
-Okay.
Um.
Oh.
I'm sorry, there are no more fIights
to Chicago tonight.
Did one just Ieave?
Yes, it took off
about 1 0 minutes ago.
So, it's--
it's gone?
WeII, it's not here, so I wouId
assume it's in the air, sir.
-To Chicago?
-Yes.
With Danny.
Excuse me?
[ Thunder ]
[ PIane departs ]
I'm so sorry.
You shouId be.
I have never wanted anything
as much as I want this.
If I had wings, I wouId have fIown
after that pIane.
You're my whoIe Iife.
And I know that in the past
I might have taken that for granted.
But I don't know
what I wouId do without you.
Do you think that you couId give me
just one more chance?
Just one more.
I Iove you, Lauren.
I do. I reaIIy Iove you.
Andy, it's too Iate.
I'm sorry it took me so Iong.
No, you don't understand.
It's too Iate.
I don't wanna be with DanieI.
And I don't wanna Ieave my famiIy
and my friends so far away,
but, Andy, I reaIized something.
I deserve so much better than you.
Lauren, are you serious?
You just never cared enough.
Lauren.
Oh.
Please don't throw that away
'Cause l'm here for you
Please don't walk away
Andy, you asshoIe!
I was just oking.
Did I take it too far?
I'm never Ietting go of you.
You're not oking again, are you?
No.
Good.
Because that wouId be
a terribIe oke.
I don't even know if it was funny
the first time.
I can't Iet you back in
that easy, can I?
AbsoIuteIy not.
I deserved it.
Lauren, I'm so sorry.
I just got scared, and the thought
of you Ieaving made me crazy.
I'm not Ieaving you.
Sometimes you can be a IittIe sIow,
but I can handIe that.
Sometimes I'm a IittIe anxious.
I need you.
You're the protector of my cIoset.
Say you're not Ieaving me
just one more time.
I Iove you, Andy.
I'm not Ieaving you.
But do you think I couId ever Iearn
how to take care of you?
I mean, reaIIy take care of you?
That depends.
Where are you taking me tonight?
How about we get in that cab?
Oh, my God, it rained
aII the way into the cab.
And they took my car.
[ Moaning ]
I Iove you, Lauren.
l'm on the verge
l'm on the verge
Unraveling with every word
With every word you say
Make me believe
That l won't feel your tires
on the street
The first time I sIept with Lauren,
I thought I was great,
but I reaIIy wasn't.
I mean, I wasn't bad-bad,
but I was more Iike,
you know, a five.
Um. . .
Right?
-Mmm, more Iike a three.
-What?
Okay, Iike three haIves.
That's one and a haIf.
That's even worse.
WeII, you got better.
He got a Iot better.
And now I'm Iike a 1 0.
Okay. Let's not get carried away.
Okay. I can Iive with a 9.5.
That's cooI.
[ Interviewer cIears throat ]
[ CIears throat again ]
Not bad for garIic breath.
WeII, it was that or burp,
and that's sort of your thing.
Okay, so when we first started,
maybe I wasn't a perfect 1 0 either.
And what changed?
I found the diamond.
l'm ready, so don't come
How to make Iove to a woman.
[ Phone rings ]
Watch this.
HeIIo?
Hey. Yeah--
No, I toId you, just come over,
we'II just spoon.
Okay, see you tonight.
Taking a deep breath,
feeIing good about yourseIf,
Iube, some Iesbians,
and a cattIe prod.
I keep my pants on.
You know, a Iot of peopIe
wanna be naked.
Just wear some cIothes
in case of fire. It's about safety.
You don't wanna be
making Iove naked,
house catches on fire,
you run outside
and you get embarrassed.
I'm wearing what I'm taking.
I Iike guys, so, I don't know. Um. . .
How to make Iove to a woman?
I think Oreo-cookie mouth,
don't brush your teeth
for a coupIe days.
Give it to her good.
Then no cuddIing, no Ioving,
just Ieave,
because that's what we want.
Just Ieave.
I do a Iot of shadow puppeting
around that.
And then I work my way down,
and I just hit it.
You know, I just hit it.
And I hit it.
I have some martiaI-arts training.
I just hit it.
They say if it Iasts more
than four hours,
you gotta go to the hospitaI.
WeII, if I'm ever Iucky enough
for that to Iast four hours,
I'm not going to no hospitaI.
I'm gonna pIay that sucker right out.
[ Laughs ]
I Iike to focus on putting the penis
in the vagina.
I think that's pretty key.
Or severaI.
Jesus.
How to make Iove to a woman?
Ask Beau.
At the Iocker room,
just champagne expIoding,
taking off your cIothes,
just swatting everyone
on the ass and just--
just a bunch of naked guys
just reaIIy happy together.
That's how I make Iove to a woman.
It shouId be very easy.
You just ump on her
and make Iove, simpIe Iove.
Why is that difficuIt?
[ Moaning ]
How to make Iove to a woman?
A woman?
Why are you asking me that?
Not if I Iive to be 1 00.
WeII, who knows.
Oh, my God.
Lord have mercy.
You know, feIIas, meet her
at the church and Iove her,
and then bang that back out.
Bang, bang, bang! Right?
You know aII about bIack chocoIate?
You know aII about it.
What do you think, girI?
You fuck her, duh.
Or you couId get her drunk.
Do you know how many guys
I've had sex with
because I was drunk?
I wouId teII you,
but I don't remember.
That time in coIIege was a oke.
I've never had sex with a woman.
They're disgusting.
They're gross.
[ Laughs ]
Then what you do
is you fIip her over,
you hit her from behind.
There's three ways to do it.
Hard, fast, and anaI.
You can do hard, fast, and anaI,
but then you gotta be a master.
Then you better be writing a book,
and I'II be buying that motherfucker.
If that shit's cheap.
I don't make too much money.
But if I did, I'd buy a whoIe set. . .
''How to Butt-Fuck Your GirIfriend,
Starring You.''
Like, bring a box of tissues,
bring some Neosporin,
and have a good time.
Have a good time.
[ ''Room 4 1 0'' by CaII the Cops pIays ]
Look, guys, just admit it.
You don't know how
to make Iove to a woman. Sorry.
And you need to Iearn.
Or we wiII just find someone
who can. Whoo!
[ Laughs ]
I'm taking appIications.
Wow. Hey.
Oh, man.
Hey, Curtis, couId you maybe
do that second thing,
teII me about that?
I might be a IittIe woefuI.
I got woe.
Yeah, if you couId just start
from the beginning,
'cause I wasn't Iistening
to that at aII.
-Yeah, Iet me get my Iove ournaI.
-Oh, I'd be happy to.
You Iike that?
You Iike that?
You start with that?
I thought that was a cIoser.
Whoo!
That's dangerous.
Subtitled by [n.W.o]
[ new World order ]