How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (2003) - full transcript

If you only knew
what I just dealt with.

I mean, this guy was right in
front of me, going little...

That guy deserves a ticket.
I'm sure he's...

A woman never
reveals her age.

I've been in this
relationship for...

He was going ten miles an hour
on the highway.

I'm trying to...

And only then
will the people of Tajikistan

know true and lasting peace.

Andie, it's brilliant.

It's really moving.



But it's never going to appear
in Composure Magazine.

God, I busted my butt
in grad school

to be Andie Anderson,
How To girl,

and write articles like...

How to Use the Best
Pick-Up Lines

and Do Blondes, Do They, Like,

Really Have More Fun?

I want to write about
things that matter,

like politics and
the environment,

and foreign affairs,
things I'm interested in.

Keep busting your butt.

You're going to get there.

Hey, I've got something
to cheer you up.

You know that editor
from Sports Illustrated



that you have been
shamelessly flirting with

on the phone for...

a month now?

He made a little delivery
this morning.

Let me see.

Oh, no.

Hey!

Tomorrow night.

What happens tomorrow night?

Only the most exhilarating
and artistic display

of athletic competition
known to mankind.

The Ice Capades are in town?

No, the NBA Finals
are in town,

and I got tickets!

Come with me?

All right, I'll go.

But I am not putting out.

Two stale jumbo dogs
and a couple of beers,

you'll be whistling
a different tune.

You know what I like.

Good morning, ladies.

Don't forget,
staff meeting in 30 minutes.

Michelle, haven't seen
her all morning.

- Have you?
- Ten to one she's wallowing.

It's my turn. I'll get her,
you get the coffee,

meet me in the corner in 20.

Wait, wait, wait.

Here, take some samples.

Samples. Samples.

Great idea.

Oh, boy.
Drama, drama, drama.

Hey!

Hello, Ben.

Hey, hey, good morning, Spears.

What are you reading, girl?

You catching up on
your current events?

Turn-On Tricks
How to Make Him Hot.

You know, if you want
to try those out sometime,

we should get together.

Green and I have
an appointment at Composure,

the fastest growing women's
magazine in the country.

And seeing as how

our clients run a lot
of our campaigns

in their nationally-syndicated
little girlie magazine,

it wouldn't hurt you
to do a little reading.

Hey, Benny.

Good morning, Green.

You finally decided to show up?

Yes, I did.

You ready?

Ready.

Later, Ben.

Have a nice day, ladies.

Hi.

Good morning, sunshine.

Okay, get dressed.

Get dressed.

Staff meeting, 15 minutes.
Let's go.

I'm going back to bed.

I have no reason to live.

Sun's out...

Okay, just...

Okay, now...

Cashmere?

Put it on.

It'll make your eyes
look fiercely green.

Get up. I'm not going
to let you lose your job

on top of everything else.

Come here.

Oh, Andie.

Okay.

Okay.

You only dated the guy a week.

It was the best week of my life.

Sweetheart.

Good morning, ladies.

- What's up, Tito?
- Hey.

Warren Advertising.

Hi, yes, we're waiting for you.

Good morning.

What's up, kitty cat?

What's up, daddy?

Big night?

- Not bad.
- Orgy?

Where were you, man?

Not at an orgy.

Did you hear?

What, that my Knickerbockers

are now in
the championship series

and Tone 'The Bone' here
owes me $20?

Pay him.

Oh, man.

Well, you were right.

DeLauer Diamonds is looking
for a new ad agency.

Warren wants to move
on it aggressively.

Yes!

Oh, this is a good day,
this is a good day.

Guys, did you know
that diamonds are about

as common as taxis
on Fifth Avenue?

The value is entirely
sentimental,

maintained by a supply,

demand and advertising.

Stripes.

Now, DeLauer dominates
the world diamond market.

Meaning if I represent them,

I basically represent
the entire industry.

Tell him.

What?

Warren gave it to the Judys.

Spears and Green,
they're already on it.

No way!

Yeah, well, you know,
he's kind of partial

to hot, leggy chicks
for some reason.

Yeah, and we're the, you know,

the sneakers and beer division.

Precious gems aren't exactly
our forte.

Lips and Hips are over at
a chick's magazine right now.

I got to get to Warren
before they sink...

You can't, you can't.
He's on a plane.

Easy, pal.
The Chicago meeting.

And it's too late anyway,
because Warren's

meeting them for drinks
at Mullins' tonight

to discuss their ideas.

You know what?
This isn't happening.

You know why?
This was my tip.

It's going to be my pitch,
my account, my campaign.

- This is my baby.
- That's what I'm talking about.

They will not ace me
out of this.

- That's right.
- I heard that.

Okay.
Mullins', tonight.

I heard that?

- Hi.
- Hi.

I don't really want
to talk about it, okay?

- Okay.
- Okay.

Okay.

Why does this always happen
to me?

Things were going great
for like a week and a half,

and then, all of a sudden,
it's over,

and I am mystified.

Seriously, I am mystified,

because it always starts out
so well.

Poor baby.

Let's just roll with this one.

Oh, Mike and I had
such a connection.

The first time that we had sex,

it was so beautiful...

I cried.

You cried?

Yeah.

You mean like
one glistening tear

on your cheek, right?

No. I was really emotional.

I even told him
that I loved him.

After how many days?

Five.

Two.

It was how I felt.
I wanted to express myself.

Okay, well, what did he say?

Oh, Mike didn't have
to say anything.

I know that he felt the same.

But then he started
getting really busy,

and I didn't know where he was.

So I kept calling him
and calling him.

He was never home...

You kept calling him?

I didn't leave a message.

He didn't know it was me.
My number's blocked.

Oh, I'm sure he thought
it was one of his friends.

You know, men frequently call

their friends'
answering machines

and hang up 20 times.

Anyway...

I know why he dumped me.

I'm too fat.

- You're not fat!
- You're not fat!

Oh, Michelle, if the most
beautiful woman in the world

acted the way you did,

any normal guy
would still go running

in the other direction.

Oh, no. No guy would go
running from you, Andie.

You could barf all over him,
and he would say, do it again.

That is both
incredibly disgusting

and categorically untrue.

If I did the things you did,
I'd get dumped too.

Okay, family,

shoes off.

And breathe...

Out.

Okay, Lori,
let's start with you.

Well, the Botox for Beginners
piece is done.

Now, it's a little scary,
but mostly upbeat.

Now I'm on

What Your Gyno Won't Tell You,

which is also pretty scary,

but, you know, upbeat.

I finished my research
on deadly pedicures,

about the woman who contracted

that fungus
from the unsterilized tools.

Yeah.

It's a terrible story.

Although, surprisingly...

upbeat!

Marvelous.

What's next for
How To with Andie?

Well, I've been
working on something

that's kind of different.

It's...

It's a political piece,
and it's...

No.

Andie, you work at
Composure Magazine.

We are fashion,

trends, diets,
cosmetic surgeries,

salacious gossip,
that's Composure.

- Okay, but...
- Look...

Andie, okay,
the column is new for you.

When you turn it
into a must-read,

then you can write
about whatever you want.

Until then, you can write
about whatever I want.

Understood?

Yeah.

Michelle, what have you got?

I'm sorry, Lana.

I wasn't feeling very well...

She got dumped.

Oh, no.

Michelle...

What a hellish ordeal for you.

But I must say,
you are looking fabulous.

Are we loving

the way she looks, all?

- We love the way she looks.
- Oh, you are so right.

She looks great.

Well, I haven't eaten
since the split.

Good for you!

Write about it.

I can't use my personal life
for a story.

I understand completely.

Who will use Michelle's
personal life for a story?

Oh, I will.

- Go.
- No, no, no.

Lana,

with all due respect,

Lori has no business
mucking around

in my personal life,
and I can't...

I can't let her.

- I am...
- I'll do it.

What?

I'll... I will...
I'll sort of do it.

It's... You will be

my inspiration.

For?

Look at Michelle.

- She is a great girl, right?
- Yes.

An amazing woman.

But she has a problem
hanging onto relationships,

and doesn't really know

what she's doing wrong,

which is like a lot
of our readers.

So, I was thinking that
I could start by dating a guy,

and then drive him away,

but only using
the classic mistakes

most women, like Michelle,

make...

all the time.

I'll keep a diary of it,

and it will be sort of a
dating How To in reverse.

What not to do.

Yeah.

How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days.

Yes. Go.

Bart, what's new
in the shoe world?

Wait, wait, Lana, I'm sorry.

Why ten days?

Five days is too short,
and we go to press in 11. Yes?

Okay, what we found out

is men are attracted
to purple shoes.

Now, I love...

Maybe toss in something
spiritual as well.

Who's that chic Buddhist
Richard Gere cavorts with?

The Dalai Lama.

He's fabulous.

Here's my 10:00. Welcome.

Hi.

Ladies, Judy Spears
and Judy Green

from Warren Advertising.

We're going to cook up
some fabulous tie-ins

for the fall.

Jeannie Ashcroft,
Fashion and Trends.

Michelle Rubin,
Fitness and Health.

Excuse me. Hi.

And Andie Anderson,
our resident How To girl.

Oh, I've seen
your column, Andie.

What are you working on now?

Oh, actually...

How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days.

She's actually going
to start dating a guy,

and then drive him away
in a week and a half.

Sounds needlessly vicious.

It's going to be fabulous.

Now all she has to do
is run along

and find the lucky guy.
Go, go, go.

- Nice to meet you.
- Bye.

Good-bye.

Ladies, come.

Find the guy.

- Okay.
- Find the guy.

Oh, you are never going
to pull this off.

Watch me.
Tonight, I'll hook a guy.

Tomorrow, pull the switch.

Before the ten days are up,

I'm going to have this guy
running for his life.

You're not going to burn
his apartment down

or bite him or anything,
are you?

No! I'm going to limit myself

to doing everything girls
do wrong in relationships.

Basically, everything
we know guys hate.

I'll be clingy, needy...

- Be touchy-feely.
- Yeah.

Ooh, call him in the middle
of the night,

and tell him everything
you had to eat that day.

What's wrong with that?

I'm kidding.

Hello, Ben.

What are you doing here?

Phil, I'm here for
the meeting. Ladies.

But you weren't invited.

Yeah, but I should have been.

I mean, it was my tip

that DeLauer's shopping
for a new firm.

Yes, it was, but I have
to think in terms

of who's best-suited
within the company team.

Yes, sir, and that's me.
I want to handle this pitch.

Ben, you sell Joe Blow better
than anyone else in my shop,

but these girls sell luxury

better than anyone else
in the business.

We have to put our best foot
forward on this pitch.

DeLauer would be
our biggest account.

Yes, sir, they would.

Annual advertising billings
of 50 to $60 million.

And I am the man that's going

to bring this home
for you, Phil.

Why this place?

It's perfect.

Hi, Ingrid.

Hi.

Mullins' is the après-work
watering hole

for the upwardly mobile.

Now, to date,

the diamond industry
has always targeted men,

sending the message
that the woman needs the man

to buy her the rock.

All right, they say,
a diamond is forever.

We say,
a diamond is for everyone.

- I like that.
- Yes.

We don't.

A diamond is for everyone

sends the message
that diamonds are everywhere,

which means they're not rare,
and if they're not rare,

they lose their status.

Status is the reason

to buy them in the first place,

which Benjamin would know
if he understood women,

which you don't.

You can't feel bad about that,
Ben. No man does.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Oh! Sorry.

Here. Here.

Thanks.

Hey, don't pressure her.
She's perusing.

Yes, exactly.

Selling a diamond to a woman

is like making her fall in love.

She has to feel giddy,
desirous, adventurous,

and desperate.

Take a look around
this room, Phillip.

Most of the women in this bar
are looking for just that.

Exactly. The skills required
to market diamonds

are the same as those needed to
make a woman fall in love, yes.

I'm not talking about lust.

A woman in lust

wants chocolate.

A woman in love
wants diamonds.

Yeah, I'm not talking

about lust either, ladies.

I'm talking about deep,
meaningful,

head-over-heels,
his and her towels,

let's grow old together,
L-O-V-E...

Look, I love women. I do.

Whether they're four, 40,
or my 88-year-old grandmother,

I respect women, all right?

And I also listen to women,

and that's why I can sell myself
to any woman, anywhere, anytime.

Make a woman fall in love
with diamonds, Benjamin...

or with you?

Eh, either one.

Well, that's cocky, Ben.

No, not cocky, confident.

I'd like to see you prove that.

You would?

The agency's cohosting

a party for the DeLauers
at the Astor Museum.

The party's a week from Sunday.

Do you think you could make

a woman fall in love with you
by then?

Ten days?

Any woman, anywhere, anytime?

Any single, available,
straight woman... yes.

Yes.

I'm not trying
to trick you, Ben.

In fact, we'll choose
a woman right here,

right now, in this bar,

and then you decide.

So, who's the lucky girl?

Okay...

Let's see here.

There's that blonde babe
in the leopard print.

She looks like fun.

Be nice, ladies.

Or... wow...

Miss Babylon Five.

Now, she's on the prowl.

No.

Her.

Her who?

Her, in the gray dress.
Blonde hair. Pretty smile.

Her?

Done.

What?

Done.

Done.

See the guy next
to the horrible guy

in the green shirt that I would
never even consider? Okay?

Very cute.

Right?

- Good.
- All right?

Here I go!

Okay, you're on.

But here are the stakes.

After I win this bet,

this pitch is mine.

Agreed.

- Phil?
- Agreed.

You come to that party
with a girl

that's really in love
with you, Ben...

you can make the pitch
to the DeLauers.

But, Phillip, you can't...

I've made up my mind.

To the DeLauers.

To the DeLauers.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Cheers.

I was just wondering
if you find...

...exciting?

Yes. My wife and I love
New York,

especially this time of year.

She'd been here before,
and I'd...

- Hi.
- Hi.

This is Andie.

Hi.

You guys enjoy New York.

Okay.

Thanks. We will.

Yeah. Nice meet...
nice meeting you.

Good luck!

Thank you, Phil.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
ladies...

I have a bet to win.

Now do you want to tell
me what's going on?

You don't recognize her?

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Andie Anderson.

I'm Benjamin Barry.

Cute.

Thank you.

I meant your name.

Thank you two times.

Unattached?

Currently.

Likewise.

Surprising.

Psycho?

Rarely.

Interested?

Perhaps.

Hungry?

Starving.

- Leaving.
- Now?

Okay.

Okay.

One second.

I'll meet you at the door.

Hey, hey, guys.

What?

I think I got one.

He was married.

No, not him. It's the guy by
the door, but don't, don't look.

Oh, guys!

He is really cute!

I'm going to check this one out
and see if he's the keeper.

Okay.

And if he is?

Tomorrow night, we'll...

Flip the switch.

Doing this for you.

Well, good luck.
Be safe.

Call me.

Drama, drama, drama.

Wanna get to know you...

No, no, no. This one.

And you get to wear
the goofy-looking helmet.

This won't look goofy on me.

It looks goofy
on just about everybody.

Look at you.

That's pretty damn cute.

There you go.

You ready to go
for a ride, Andie?

Are you ready to go
for a ride, Ben?

Get it? Get it?

Yeah.

So, what do you think?

About the food, or you?

Both.

This is delicious...

and I'm still deciding.

Anything I can do to help?

Yeah, you could answer some
questions for me, actually.

Some sounds
a little too indefinite.

I'll give you three.

What do you do for a living?

I'm in advertising.

I work mostly
with alcoholic beverage

and athletic equipment
companies,

and I'm trying to break into
the jewelry market right now.

Saving the world,
one keg party at a time?

Yeah, something like that.

What about you?

What about me?

Have I seen your work?

I work at Composure.

Fastest-growing women's
fashion magazine in the country.

I'm impressed.

Saving the world,
one shop-a-holic at a time, eh?

Hey, all right.

Look here, Sparky.

I have a Master's
in journalism

from Columbia.

My boss loves me, and if I do it
her way for a while,

I can write about
anything I want.

Like shoes?

No.

No.

Like alcoholic beverages

and athletic gear.

Touché. Very nice.

So, you think you got me
all figured out, eh?

Almost.

Still got one last question.

Shoot.

True or false.

All's fair in love and war.

True.

Great answer.

Good question.

Welcome.

Oh, nice place.

Thank you.

Very tidy.

Can I get you

a cold beer?

Sure.

Can I use your restroom?

Yeah, you can.

It's up the stairs,
through the bedroom.

You are, aren't you?

The first night.
I can't believe you!

Michelle, I'm not going
to sleep with him.

Oh, you are such a hussy.

You can't hide
those lying eyes.

No, no, because I can practice
some self-control,

unlike some people I know.

Oh, really?
That hurts, kind of.

I'm going to dangle the bait...

Wait, what's the bait?

I'm the bait, Michelle.

Yeah.

Okay, I'm with you. Then what?

Diamond...

is no one-night stand.

A diamond
is a long-term commitment.

Take notes.
You better be prepared...

I can't talk right now.
I have to go.

Call me later, you slut.

Okay. Bye.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

You're welcome.

Okay.

Hey, hey, let's not go too fast,
okay?

Yeah.

Yeah.

We're moving too fast.

I... you're right.

It's, it's too fast.

Okay.

- Too fast.
- Too fast.

Yeah.

I want you to respect me.

I do.

Okay.

And I want your respect.

I respect you for respecting me.

I respect that.

Good.

Good night, Andie Anderson.

Oh, you are already
falling in love with me.

I'm going to make you wish
you were dead.

Poor guy.

Of all the women
Spears and Green

could have thrown at me,
this one is amazing.

Hanging with her for ten days
is going to be no problem.

Right, so it's only
nine days longer

than you've ever spent
with any other chick, huh?

That's why I didn't go
for the gold immediately.

I'm taking my time.

It's a marathon, not a sprint.

Ten days is a marathon?

Okay, so it's more like
the 3,000 meter hurdle.

The point is, she's already
on the ropes, guys.

Wow, that's a lot
of sports analogies.

That it?

- That's it?
- That's it.

Have you looked inside?

No.

Do you have an ethical problem

with rifling through
a woman's purse?

Uh, yeah, I guess I do.

Well, it's hardly a purse, dude.

It's more like a clutch
or something.

Guys, a woman's purse,
all right...

It's her secret source of power.
All right?

There are many dark
and dangerous things in there

that we, the male species,
should know nothing about.

Unless, of course, she
left it behind intentionally

to secure a next-day call back.

She's a very clever minx.

- Oops, I'm sorry.
- Oh, God.

Oh, shit,
we got to clean that up.

Yeah, yeah.

Carefully. Carefully.

Oh, what have we here?

Let us see, let us see.

Knicks tickets...

for tonight's game.

Delivery, Andie.

Wow, look at those!

Oh, who are those for?

Andie...

Oh, my God!

Where do you want these?

Who are these to?

Wait. 100 times...

more beautiful...

Wait.

...than 100 roses.

Catchy.

The guy's in advertising.

He can't help it.

So, does this mean he's hooked?

This means he found
the Knicks tickets.

You left the tickets
in the purse?

Yeah.

You are just on a whole
different playing field.

Here you go.

Andie Anderson.

Hey, hey, pretty girl.

Guess what?

I got a really embarrassing
display of white roses.

Well, you are welcome.

Listen, I had a wonderful time
last night.

I have your bag.

Ah, I know.

I can't believe I left it there.

Yeah, well, you must need it
back, what with all the cash,

credit cards, and...

those Knicks tickets
for tonight's game.

Sounds like you've been
peeking through my bag, Ben.

Oh, absolutely not.

Tony, my Art Director,
he's an oaf,

and he accidentally
knocked it over.

Ow, right!

Yeah, I'm a clumsy man.

All right, I'm sorry though.

I'm going to the game

with somebody else.

Not anymore.

Besides, what?

You think you left your purse
at my place by accident?

No. Subconsciously,
you are dying

to take me to that game.

Denying your subconscious
desires

is extremely dangerous
to your health, young lady.

Does that psycho-babble
really work on anybody?

You tell me.

Andie, you're so bad.

All right, meet me
at the 7th Avenue entrance.

7:30. Don't be late.

You got it. Bye-bye.

Bye.

And that's how it's done.

And that's how it's done.

Foul on Number 20,
Allan Houston.

Bullshit. Come on, ref!

What is that, ref?

Hey, if you're going to call it,
call it both ways!

Oh, you're soft, man!

You were soft last year,
and you're still soft.

And he's 85% on the line
all year too.

What was that?

There we go.
One more left. All right.

Come on, bud.

Defense!

That's off!

Defense!

Knicks call. 20 second time out.

All right, take your five.
Take a minute...

This is all right.

Got 20 seconds.
20 second team.

Knicks' ball.

Bring it back.

Charge!

Work your arm, baby.

Go, baby.

Hold 'em up!

Charge!

Benny?

Hold 'em up!
Work it, work it. Yeah?

Benny, I'm kind
of thirsty.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.

- Yeah, yeah!
- Benny, could you get me a soda?

Yeah, just let me
tell you right now...

I'm parched.

There's a minute and nine
left in the game.

- And then I'll go up and get it.
- I'm really thirsty.

I'll go get it.

Hey, hey, hey. You want,
you want it right now?

Yeah.

And no ice, Ben.

Thanks, Benny.

Lawrence Funderburke.

Oh, man!

Here's Sprewell with a fake.

Gets the step on Christie.
What a crossover...

Whoo, my man.
Coke, no ice.

Next line over, pal.

No ice. Hey, buddy?

Small coke, no ice.
Small coke, no ice.

Okay, you got it.

Beyond the three-point line,
fires!

Ah... no!

Man, don't let him have
that shot!

No. Does that mean
no, you don't want ice,

or no, you want ice?

No. No ice.
Coke, no ice.

And Don Chaney
wants to talk it over...

Oh, did you want a small?

No, I want that one
right there.

You know, for 25 cents more,

you could get a jumbo?

Okay, you take that right there.

Keep the change.

All right.

Charge!

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Come on! Score!

Come on, baby,
drive into the net!

Right there, right there.

Oh, thanks!

Hey, hold him, hold him.
Move it.

Set your pick! Watch
the three seconds! Traveling!

Ben, it's not diet.

- What?
- Ben, it's not diet.

Please, I'm so thirsty.

- All right, all right.
- With a lime.

- All right, okay, I got it.
- With a lime. Okay.

Shoot it!

Sprewell for the win!

Yes!

That was Sprewell!

It's all over!

The Knicks
have defeated the Kings

in the final seconds...

Sprewell with
the game-winning shot,

and the Knicks over Sacramento,
97 to 96.

Oh, what an incredible game.

I've never seen a more exciting
game-ending play before.

Wow, well, neither have I.

Hey, hey, hey.

It's too bad you missed it.

Yep, it's too bad.

One second.

So...

you as nice as you seem, Ben?

No.

Good. Neither am I.

Oh, here.

Fifth and 12th, please.

See you later.

Horseshit.

More horseshit.

The horseshit continues.

Horseshit. Come on, people.

We've got to do a lot better
than this

if we're going to com...

What?!

There's a phone call
for Mr. Barry.

Yeah, can you take a message,
Candi?

Mr. Barry, it's Andie.

- Make it quick.
- I will.

It's line two, Mr. Barry.

Thank you.

Hello.

It's me!

Listen, I'm in the middle
of a meeting.

Can I call you back
in just a minute?

I miss you,

Benny boo-boo,
boo-boo-boo.

Well, you know what?
I miss you too.

You busy tonight?

Uh, no. No, I'm not.

Why don't we catch a movie
or somethin'?

A movie... my choice?!

Your choice.

Oh, I'm so excited!

Okay. I'll call you later.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Jonah!

Dad!

I always wanted a man
like Tom Hanks.

It's my favorite movie
of all time.

Yeah, me too.

What if something
happened to you?

What if I couldn't get to you?

What are you thinking about?

Nothing. I'm watching the movie.

Yeah, but what's on your mind?

I like this movie.

Oh, so I suppose your mind
is a complete blank.

You are my family,
you're all I have.

Who is she?

Who's who?

The girl you're thinking about.

Can't hear.

I'm not thinking about a girl.

You can't watch Meg Ryan

for two hours...

and not be thinking
about another girl.

You want to know what
I'm thinking about?

Yes.

I'm sitting here thinking

about how damn beautiful
you are.

That's what I'm thinking about.

Come on, let's watch this movie,
it's good.

Benji.

Oh, sweetie!

I love sharing this with you.

Yeah.

Can't hear and can't see.

If you don't shut up,
my boyfriend over here

is going to come back there

and pummel your ass.

Put a muzzle on your old lady

the next time
you bring her out in public.

What?!

What is that?!

Do something about...

You, outside.

Keep it down!

Keep it down!

I mean, have a little class,
all right?

You want to talk like that
to me, we can work it out,

but not to a lady, all right?

Ben, Ben, Ben, he's huge.

I got it. I'm not looking to get
in a fight with the guy, okay?

He owes you an apology.

Now, I'm going to go
back inside,

and finish watching
Sleepless in Seattle.

Nobody screw with me.

Son of a bitch.

Oh, Ben.

Are you okay?

Ben...

- Ben, Ben...
- Yes?

Maybe we should
get you to a hospital.

No. No, no, no, no.

No, you could have a...
Excuse me!

Hey, hey,
can you hold still,

right there, hold still?

Okay, I'm sor...

Oh, yeah.

That's feeling real nice.

Ben... Ben...

I'm starting to feel
a little better.

Ben...

Ben!

Oh, my God!

You're fine.

Oh, you are totally fine.

Okay, come on, Rocky.

No, no...

Get up.

Yeah.

Hey, don't feel bad.

If I had a nickel for every time

I got in a fist fight
during a chick flick, whoo!

Right.
It really wasn't that bad.

Really?

No. I mean, the getting punched
in the face part sucked, right?

Well...

But the getting taken care of
after the punch, it was nice.

All right! Florence
Nightingale syndrome, yeah.

You want me to tape the game
for you tonight?

No need, my friend.

I'll be watching the Knicks

from the comfort of my
own home this evening.

- How'd you swing that?
- Oh, yeah.

What's good to grill?

- No.
- Heavyweight.

You're making the lamb.

Voilà.

A woman loves a man
who can cook, yeah?

Bringing out the big guns.

- Let's go deep.
- I like it.

Why do they always
forget my bacon?

I can't believe
you got that guy knocked out.

Only for a few seconds.

He was the most adorable,
unconscious man ever.

Are you dating him, or are you
contemplating adoption?

Andie, I am loving
your notes on this piece.

Thank you, Lana.

When are you seeing him again?

Tonight.

He's invited me over for dinner.

Marvelous. I've got
a feeling about this one.

Thanks, Lana.

I hate it when she pops
her head in like that.

I never noticed it.

I heard that.

And Andie, tonight,
take smaller bites.

Oh, my God!

Disgusting.
I can barely eat over here.

Come on in. Door's open.

- Hi.
- Hey, there.

I hope you brought
your appetite, girl.

We got a feast tonight.

Isn't that sweet?

Go on and pour yourself
a glass of wine.

We got diner in about five

and tip-off in about eight.

Great. I'm starving.

So perfectly pink!

Pour la pièce de résistance.

Sheryl, Tori,

Sinead, Jewel, Fiona, Carly...
gang's all here!

Great.

Got two minutes to game time.

You walked into the party

Like you were walking
onto a yacht

You had strategically dipped
below one eye

Your scarf... it was apricot

Wow. Look at all this stuff.

- You had one eye in the mirror
- Those are cute and...

- As you watched
- I saw the...

- Yourself gavotte
- the new comforter.

And all the girls dreamed that

they'd be Ben's partner,
they'd be Ben's partner

What you got in the box?

It's a baby fern.

Really? Oh, yeah?

Just like our relationship.

A helpless little baby
in need of tender loving care.

Thank you.

You had me several years ago

Turn it down.

Okay, let's check out
the starting line...

Have a seat.

...for the New York Knicks.

- At the point, Latrell Sprewell
- Get ready.

Game two. Welcome to
the front row, madam.

Oh, oh. Here.

Dinner is served.

Chef's special tonight.

Lamb with a cherry glaze.

Start you off
with the main dish

right about there.

A few carrots.

You okay?

It's beautiful.

Thanks.

You're beautiful.

The game, the whole thing.

I wish I ate meat.

Mary had a little lamb

Little lamb...

You have to take it away
before I gag.

This stuff's for cows.

- Hi.
- Hi.

How you doing?

Oh, aw, it's just
a little indigestion.

You okay?

All right.

Excuse me, m'am?

Do you happen to know the
score of the Knicks game?

Do I look like
the kind of person

who knows the score
of a Knicks game?

No, you don't.

Is something wrong
with the barley?

No, no.

My boyfriend thinks I'm fat!

And I can't eat
in front of him!

I can't eat in front of you!

- I have to go to the bathroom.
- I don't think you're...

I don't think you're fat.

I don't think she's fat.

What's happening?

Spre just turned up,
23 seconds left.

Knicks' ball.

Get the ball, man.

Oh, come on!

Throw it!

Oh! That was in!

Oh, man!

Come on, get it back.

Come on.

Get the ball back,
get the ball back!

Jackson takes the ball.

A spin by Jackson.

- Get it back!
- No!

Damn!

And the time has run out.

- Damn!
- Pick up!

The Kings have beaten
the Knicks.

Their first win in the series.

Next game.

Well, that was fun.

Okay. 11:25.

Sports.

Ah, there we are.

Then it's Mark Jackson with
a no-look pass to Kirk Thomas...

Sorry we missed the game.

Post, post. Reverse it!

30 seconds left in the game,
Sprewell...

There we go, baby!

Oh, I can't believe

he missed that shot.

Take it, take it!

- 12 seconds left, the game...
- Pitch!

How the hell did you know
he was going to miss that shot?

With a narrow Monroe move.

He always misses the shot

- from the top of the key.
- The way it ended...

as the Knicks
could not get off another shot.

Aah, man.

Houston never misses

from the top of the key.

Does Princess Sophia
want to come out and play?

Who's Princess Sophia?

No, no, no, no... no!

Aw, you...

You're kidding me, right?

Princess Sophia?

Little, big, little,
big, I don't know.

We will find out!

Ah, you know,
hang on a second.

Ah, no, no.

All right, listen.

You can't name my member

Princess Sophia.
It doesn't...

Yes, I can.

Listen. Listen to me.

If you're going to name
my member, all right,

you got to name it something
hyper-masculine, okay?

Something like Spike or Butch,
or Krull, the Warrior King,

but not Princess Sophia.

What did you just say?

Spike.

You know what I mean?

No, no, after Spike.

Butch.

After Butch.

Krull... Krull,
the Warrior King.

Does Krull, the Warrior King
want to come out and play?

- Oh, come on...
- No.

Krull.

You know what?

Due to...

intense humiliation,
the King has...

momentarily abdicated
his throne.

Okay?

Yeah.

Well, in that case...

I'd better get going.

Take care of our love fern,
honey.

Hi.

Can I see you tomorrow?

Really?

I hope so.

Call me.

I will.

And I'll call you.

Sweet dreams.

Answer your phone!

What?

What was icy again?

Arctic, freezing, frigid.

How about glitter?

Thayer's favorite movie.

It was underrated.

Glint, glisten,
scintillation.

Scintillation...
that's not bad.

Aw, that sucks.

Guys, let's take a break.

A little coffee
and nine-ball.

Shake it out.

Maybe I'll be able
to concentrate

since the woman
is driving me crazy.

Which woman? Andie
or Princess Sophia?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Wait a second.

I thought you said
after the Knicks game

that she was a goddess.

Oh, she was. That was
the good Andie, guys.

This amazing, fun,
cool, sexy woman.

I'm talking
about the evil Andie now.

It's like a...

It's like a crack-enhanced
Kathie Lee Gifford.

She's probably bipolar.

Well, her South Pole's
definitely prevailing.

Well, all you gotta do
is rock it for five more days.

Muffin!

Which shouldn't be
too difficult.

- Hi!
- Andie!

- My little muffin.
- Hey, sweetie.

We were just talking about you.

- Hi.
- Hello, there.

How are you?
You look gorgeous.

Oh, thank you.

Andie, this is Tony,
and this is Thayer.

- Oh, yes.
- Hey.

Benny Wenny's told me
so much about you two.

Oh, well, Benny Wenny's said
wonderful things about you too.

Oh, they don't look
so simple-minded.

Honey...

Look what I got for us.

Look at that.

Look at him go.
What is it?

Jumper.

It's a Chinese Crested,
of course.

No kidding.

A Chinese Crested.

So, it's like a dog, right?

Oh, hey.

There he is.

Ooh, Ben. Ben.

You got a dog.

You're hurting Krull's feelings.

Krull, is it?

Krull. Krull, the Warrior King.

Well, sure, 'cause
that's clearly what...

Oh, wait, there's more.

What do you got there?

Oh, nice.

For me?

- Get out of town.
- Try it on.

That's like the
inside of a raincoat.

- Medium. Oh, yeah.
- It matches! Try it on.

Now, that is going to fit
nicely, sweetie, thank you.

No, Ben, put it on.

No, you should try
it on. Otherwise,

you don't know if it's
going to fit or...

Oh, go for it.

That has never hurt anybody.

I was just gonna save it

for a better occasion,
all right?

Check that out.

Oh, yeah, that's nice.

Hey.

You're a vision in khaki.

It's going to be
a happy little family.

Just the three of us.

We are, aren't we?

He's our boy, Ben.

Oh, see, that's sweet.

Andie, hey, it's good
to see you too, sweetie.

Ah, I got you.

Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

Gotcha, gotcha,
gotcha, gotcha.

He's just
not potty-trained yet.

Okay, well, he's a pisser.

Come here, little tinkle king.

No, no, no.

Come here, tinkle king.

- He is a tinkle king.
- Oh, yeah.

Who's my little tinkler?
You tinkle tinkles.

Well, congratulations,

little plaid family.

We, you know,
we got a whole bunch

of work we got to do,
but we're...

we're still on for poker

at your house this weekend?

- Oh, you count on it.
- Whoo! Boys' night.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was nice meeting you.

Nice to meet you.

And, of course, Krull.

- Bye. Say bye, Krullie.
- All right.

A little soap and water
will take that out.

He goes 'woof woof'.

Yeah, thank you, buds.

Oh, come here.

Do you love him?

Oh, I do.

Oh, look at Krull's necklace.

He's got more ice than
Liberace, don't you?

Oh, it's just a little frosting.

Frosting?

Frosting.

We were thinking bold,

new, fresh.

Frost yourself.

Excuse me?

Frost yourself...

The slogan for the campaign.

You frost a cake.

We're in the middle
of a meeting, Benjamin.

I'm talking about diamonds.
They're frosting.

As in, whoa, would you
check out her frosting?

- Frost yourself.
- Frost yourself.

How did you come up with it?

I got it off the woman

who is falling
madly in love with me.

It may have possibilities,

but as far as the woman who's
falling madly in love with you,

I will decide that at the party.

If he can get her there.

Now, just think about it...
ladies, frost yourself.

Frost yourself.

We could introduce it
at the party.

It should be the theme.

Yes.

Everything frosted.

- All of it.
- Martini glasses.

Chandeliers.

Ah, jewels everywhere.

The women.

The whole party...

a sparkling diamond.

All of it frosted.

Women of New York!

Frost yourselves!

Hey, frost this!

Well, I like it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, I hear you.

You have 17 new messages.

Message one.
Received at 5:44.

Sit down. Sit.

Hi, sweetie pea. It's me.

Where are you?

I'm not home.

Received at 5:47.

Benny, it's Andie.
Guess you're not home.

Three. Received at 5:48.

Benny Bear, are you not
answering your phone?

Yeah, I am.

Four. Received at 5:49.

Hey, buddy.

Game three tonight. Blondie's.

Don't be late
or I will kill you.

Who is it?!

It's me.

Five. Received at 5:52.

It's me.

What a surprise.

Tried to get ahold of you.

Yeah?

I did something kind of wacky.

Yes. I used Photoshop
at work today

to composite our faces together

to see what our kids
would look like.

Our family album!

You don't want
to see our children?

We don't have...

children.

I hate you.

You know what?

I'm sorry. No, no, no.

I didn't mean it
like that, all right?

I... Show me, show me,
show me, show me.

Please show me.

We don't have children!

Oh, I thought you meant
Krull.

I just want to...

Will you show them to me?

You don't want to see them.

I do. Please, please
show them to me.

I really do
want to see them.

Really?

Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, that's our wedding.

And this is our first child...

Benny, Jr.

Yeah.

Oh, there's us

vacationing in Hawaii.

Little Andie's
on my shoulders and...

Benjamin Jr. on yours.

Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's little Andie.

Oh, there are the kids

in Switzerland
yodel-odel-ing.

Our kids are really...

attractive.

Yeah!

Ah, hey, Mom.

Ah, yeah, I'm doing fine.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, she is.

Just a second.

It's for you.

Oh, great.

Hey, Glenda.

Why is my mom
calling you?

I just showed him.

Yeah, well, he
thinks our children

will be very attractive.

Oh, no.

All right,
you go back to cooking.

Call me later.

Tomorrow. Yeah, great.

Okay, Glenda.

Love you too. Bye.

Thanks, honey.

Yeah.

So you and my mom,
you talk, huh?

Yeah, I called
her to get some

baby pictures of
you for our book.

Hey, you never told me...

that you wore diapers
till you were five.

You know what, honey,
I got to go to the...

Ah, no,

come on, man.

You think maybe he thinks
the felt is grass?

Oh, man.

No, no.

No, man! Come on!

Hey, Benny Bear?

Hey!

Do you have plans tonight?

Tonight?

I have another surprise for you.

Ah... you know what?

Not a good night for me.

I gotta work.

- Of all things.
- Oh, no.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

We got a Knicks game on.

I had a broccoli
and asparagus casserole

planned for you and me,
right there in front of the TV,

and we're not going to be able
to do that either,

'cause I got to go in to work.

That's too bad, 'cause
I had tickets for tonight.

Tickets?

Tickets! Great tickets.

Front row seats,
right in the action.

I mean, you can smell...

the sweat.

I guess...

I...

I don't really have to.

Oh, why don't I

call Tony, and he can come
fill in for me, right?

Great.

Oh, yeah! Thank you.

Honey, you're more than welcome.

Yes!

Oh, look what time it is.

This is a
once-in-a-lifetime experience,

and I'm going
to share it with you.

Reaches up,
she brings it down.

It was the most
powerful thing

I've ever seen.

And after all this,
he still didn't leave you?

Oh, I'm telling you,
this calls for drastic measures.

Come on, guys,

concentrate.

Are you being clingy?

Clingy, needy, whiny...

Baby talk?

Occasionally. I mean,
I could kick that up a notch.

I used to obsess
over Mike's old girlfriends.

Or better yet, talk about
all your old boyfriends.

It's good, it's good, it's good,

but it's not going
to crack this guy.

I mean, this is Defcon Five,

and I have
to do something

truly appalling...
it's not funny.

Look, I have to think
of something before tomorrow.

Wait, why not tonight?

Poker night. Boys' night out.

Oh, Mike used to have
a boys' night.

Boys' night? You're
giving him a boys' night?

They do it every week.

Before he met you.

What are you suggesting?

I think you know
what I'm suggesting.

- Feel lucky, boys?
- Yeah.

Gentle Ben, that's two bucks.

I'm feeling luckier than you.

Glad to not have to sit
through a Celine Dion concert.

That's what true love
is all about, my friend.

I fold.

All right, I'll see your two,
raise you fifty.

She's in love with you?

You kidding me?
She's planned the wedding.

Call.

All right, guys.

- Read 'em and weep.
- Oh, shit.

Got ladies over fours, huh?

- Damn.
- Nothing.

I have a three and an ace.

It does not get
any better than this.

Look at that.

Bennykins, I'm home.

Hi, honey.

Hey, Andie.

She has a key?

Is that legal?

I wasn't expecting you.

How'd you get a key?

Oh, honey, Francesco,
your super,

he made me a copy.

Francesco, huh?

All right.

You're not mad, are you,
Benky Wenky?

- No, I'm not mad.
- You're not mad?

No, no, no, no, no.
I'm not mad, I'm not mad.

- Oh, good.
- You know the guys.

- Everybody, Tony, Clar, Francis.
- Oh, yes!

- Hey.
- Watch out!

Hi.

Tony, hi.

- Tony!
- Yeah!

- Ronald.
- Ronald.

Joe.

- Joe.
- Hey, Andie, guys.

I didn't mean to interrupt
your little game.

We got it, we got it.
We're all straightened out.

I brought some yummy snacks.

Snacks?

The game is hold 'em.

Three up for company,
ante a dollar, please.

Oh, Tony.

Yucky, yucky pizza.

- Yucky pizza.
- Oh, no.

Yummy, yummy,
cucumber sandwich.

- First card up is a nine.
- Thanks.

I'll take one.

Yeah. Sure, yeah.

Good boys. Good.

Here we go... get rid
of those over there.

Thank you very much.

- Three up, three up.
- I went a buck. You follow?

Look around the horn,
look around the horn,

look around the horn.

Thanks, Benny.

Thayer.

That means you too, Thayer.

Oh, yeah.

All right,
everyone in for a buck.

Next card, five,

nines and fives,
nines and fives.

That's back to you, Tito.

Oh! Nine and a seven.

Go for the straight.

Round two.

Tone, the bone, you're up, man.

She told you my hand.

Peekaboo!

- Oh, hey.
- Hi!

Guys, are we going to play cards
here, or what's going on?

What game are we playing?

We're playing hold 'em?

All right,
I'm already maxed out.

We got a nine up, nine up, guys.

- Nine up, nine up.
- Blow.

Blow.

Nobody likes a Mr. Sniffles.

I hate Mr. Sniffles.

Come on, stuffy head.

Good, good, good.

Ooh white.

- Healthy boy.
- Good.

Healthy.

Tone, get your head
in the game. Please?

Oh, no.

Are we playing?

Oh, no!

Our love fern!

It's dead!

No, honey, it's just sleeping.

You let it die!

Are you going to let us die?

You should think about that.

What the hell's a love fern?

All right, guys.

Let's try to get through
one hand.

Is she on something?

God, I hope so.

Hi.

Are you saying I'm some kind of

- mental person?!
- No, no, no, he wasn't...

Oh, Tony!

What? He was talking about...

- Come on.
- That's it!

- Andie.
- That is it!

I'm taking this love fern
with me.

Hang on.

Hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey...

What just happened in there?

I'm going to go listen.

- Yeah.
- Quietly.

Look, this is getting
really creepy.

All right? You're acting
completely insane.

You know that?

Oh, so I am insane.

No, you're acting insane.

Shut up, Krull.

Oh, he is an innocent animal.

And he'll live, okay?
I'm talking to you.

I don't know

if I can be with somebody

who doesn't like animals

and thinks I'm a mental person.

That's what I'm talking about.

Where's the sexy, cool, fun,

smart, beautiful
Andie that I knew?

All right? The one who wanted

to be a serious journalist, huh?

You're up, you're down,
you're here, you're there.

You're like a freakin'
one-woman circus, Andie.

So I guess this means
we're over.

Yeah, I guess so.

Fine.

Fine.

Oh, finally.

It's over, man.

Oh, man, that's...

No, no, no, no, no.

- No, no, no.
- It is, man, it's over.

- Four days. Four days.
- Four more days!

Guys, you were here.
Did you just witness

the one-woman homage
to The Exorcist?

You saw it, huh!

Yeah, I did.
I thought it was sexy.

Yeah.

It's not sexy.

- He's right, he's right.
- No, forget it.

So, do you think Spears
and Green are going to be

comfortable in
their new office?

Oh, absolutely. Sure.

- Maybe he's excited that...
- Guys, stop.

He's going to be
selling Nerf footballs.

- Hey, hey, hey!
- For the rest of his life!

He may get like
a really good douche campaign.

Hey, that's done!
What? What?

- Couples therapy.
- Of course!

What?

Every time my wife
wants to divorce me,

I suggest couples therapy.

It'll buy you
at least four days.

She hates him!

Therapy. Couples therapy.

Yeah, couples therapy.

Couples therapy!

- Couples therapy.
- Come on!

Couples therapy.

- Couples therapy.
- Couples therapy.

Couples therapy!

Andie!

Listen.

Can you forgive me, sugar puss?

Look, I don't know what
I was thinking, all right?

I'm sorry.

I am way out of line, Andie.

Can you... can you give me
another chance?

Haven't you had enough?

Hey, look, I'm willing
to do anything.

Get up.

I'll do...
I'll do anything, Andie.

Get up.

Look, what do you think
about...?

What do you think about...

couples therapy?

Couples therapy?

Couples therapy.

Look, Thayer up there,

he's got this doctor.

He says he's a hell of a guy.

No, I know a therapist
who will work wonders

with somebody like you,
Benjamin.

Yes, that's what I need.

I will call and schedule
an emergency session.

Baby, whatever it takes.

Kiss.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Thank you for understanding.

I love you, Binky...

but I don't have to
like you right now.

Thank you, Andie.

Ah, damn it!

Shit!

If you're really going
to commit to this,

you're going to have
to open up...

- Yeah.
- And dig deep.

Okay.

Bare that beautiful soul.

Let me see your teeth.

Andie Anderson.

Benjamin Barry.

Please come in.

Hi, welcome.

Before we get started,

how are you planning on paying
for the session?

Sweetie?

How much is it?

$300.

$300?

Whatever it takes, yeah.

So, tell me,

how long have you guys
been seeing each other?

Seven days.

Seven days.

Interesting.

Is it too soon
to be seeing a therapist?

Well, Ben,

seven days isn't like
a lifetime, or anything,

- It's like a week.
- It...

Did you hear that tone?

How can we not have
a gulf between us

with a tone like that?

How are things
between you sexually?

No, no...

- We haven't had sex.
- Oh, no.

Ben has a little, bitty problem.

I don't have a problem.

Yes, you do.

- No, I do not have a problem.
- Yeah.

It's a big problem.

- I do not have a problem.
- You have a problem.

Look, look, look, wait a minute.

The one night that we even
thought about

getting close to having sex,

all right, she up and decides
she's going to nickname my...

Penis?

Yeah. Princess Sophia.

You want to talk about

shooting a man's horse?
Whop! Come on!

I thought it was
a beautiful name.

Hmm, I see, Benjamin.

And when was it
that you first realized

that you were attracted
to other men?

- What?
- Oh, that's serious.

Benjamin, this is a safe space.

Look, it's just simple,
I like women, okay?

It just happened that way.

Me thinks thou doth

- protesth too much.
- You see? Stop it.

This is the shit
I'm talking about.

What the hell was that?

What did I do?

I mean, this is what she does.
Stop that!

You know, I'm hearing a lot
of latent anger here, Benjamin.

Rage-o-holic.

I'm not a rage-o-holic!

- I called that one.
- Stop...

You know what...
take a deep breath for me, Ben.

Okay, and let it go.

Just let it go.

Yeah.

Yeah. I feel better.

Okay. Come here.

I've seen this before.

- I've seen it many times.
- Yeah?

Yeah.

Whoo, would you two
like to be left alone?

No.

Maybe you should get a room.

You are hitting

on our shrink!

- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are!

No, I'm not.

And you are
a pathological flirt!

Jesus, five seconds ago,
I'm gay.

Now I'm a pathological flirt?

I sweat when I get nervous.

Which one is it, Andie?

And besides,
why would I need to hit

on another woman?

You've got more than

enough personalities
to keep me completely occupied.

That was hurtful.

Okay, Ben.

Are you ashamed of Andie?

- Of course he is!
- I'm not ashamed.

Of course he is.
You are!

I'm not ashamed.

How do you think

that makes me feel?

I'm not ashamed of you.

It's like, when I talked
to his mother...

he freaked out.

No, see, you did that
behind my back.

She did it behind my back.

I just wanted to say hi.

Andie, you want to talk
to my mother?

You want to talk to my mother?

Talk to my mother.

Hey, you want to talk
to the whole family?

You can talk
to the whole family.

Hell, we can go to Staten
Island, spend the weekend

with them, Andie.

Now, that is
a positive idea, Ben.

It is?

How about it, Andie?

What?

Would you like to go
to Staten Island?

Uncle Ben, hi!

Thanks.

Yes, ma'am.

Hey, Mom, Pop,
we're here.

Yeah, bullshit!

Who's that handsome guy?

That's my dad when
he was an ensign in the Navy.

He got stationed here
about ten years ago.

Bullshit!

Hey, darling.

Hey, sweetie.
How you doing?

I'm glad to see you.
Good. Perfect timing.

You know who this is?

I do, and I need you
to check the baby,

see if he needs changing.

I know who that is.

- Hi.
- Hi, Andie, I'm so happy

to have you here in the flesh.

You're just as pretty
as you sound on the telephone.

Glenda!

I'm coming!
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.

Excuse me.
Show her upstairs, okay, hon?

Oh, yeah.
And this is Joey Jr.

Bullshit!

And the whole family suffers
from Tourette's.

I hope that's not a problem.

You're so handsome.

Joey, he suffers
from being a stinky rose.

We're going to go get you
cleaned up, sir.

Go on out back.
Have a good time.

Okay.

Got you.

Okay!

You're it.

He got you.

Uncle Arnold says
he's got three kings.

Yeah, right.

Okay, Uncle Arnold.
Now, dare I say it, or not?

I'm just going to say it.

Okay, I'm going to say it...

Bullshit!

Hi.

- Honey?
- Oh, wow.

Andie.

Come on out here, Andie.

- Meet everybody.
- Okay.

I want you to meet
Ben's father, Jack.

- Well, hello.
- Hi.

Welcome to our humble abode.

This is Andie, Jack.

Oh, thank you.
Nice to meet you.

And this is our Uncle Arnold.

- Hi, Uncle Arnold.
- Oh, hi, good morning.

This is Andie.

You got to watch him.
He farts like a howitzer.

But he's family,
so what are you going to do?

Intestinal complications.

Yeah, right, Arnold. Prunes.

Did you meet Joey?

A female Andy.

I-E.

Nice to meet you.

Okay, here we go now.

The game is Bullshit,
and you are just in time

for the lightning round,
my dear.

I don't really know how to play.

Well, we're going to teach
you how. It's very simple.

Trick is to get rid
of all the cards

in your hand, all right?

So I'm going
to look in my hand,

and I'm going to see
what I've got here.

And, well, do you know?

I've got two aces here.

Well, two aces.
What do you say to that?

What are you
going to say?

I say bullshit.

What did she say?
I didn't quite hear.

Did you guys...?
I didn't hear what she said.

What did you say?

I said bullshit!

All right!

Well, she knows how
to play the game.

Yes, sir.

Hey, big daddy,
come to Papa.

Get on over there, big man.
Slick as a whistle.

How you doing, Unc?

Hi, Ben.

- That's my grandson.
- Pop.

Hey, how you doing, buddy?

Got a game of Bullshit
going here?

A little game of Bullshit.

Want to join us?

Good luck.

What'd you leave me with, Joe?

Look at the expert here.

Okay, now, we went
through the deck.

We're going to start
at the beginning now.

So we go to twos.

Let's see, now.
I've got myself one deuce here.

Bullshit.

Bullshit, Pop.

He's a human lie detector,
isn't he?

Try this, son.

Two threes.

One four.

Three fives.

Bullshit.

You see whose name's on top
of the board over there?

Yes, it says Ben,
with a star next to it.

You still want to bullshit me?

God, you must be so proud.

I'm doing my best.
What do we got?

Yes.

- Did I bullshit?
- Got...

No, I told the truth.

Three fives.

He's good. He's the champ.

All right, all right.
Lighten up on me, Jim.

What am I?

Sixes to you.

One six.

One six, all right.

Whoa, look at what I got here.

You see, the key to this game
is being able to read people.

Two eights.

Bullshit.
Bullshit, Mama.

I'm going to have to hurt you.

You see,
Mom's never been

that great at it, but why?

Just 'cause I'm so pure
of heart.

- So pure of heart.
- Bullshit.

Hello, hello!
Yeah, where is everybody?

Hey!

Hi.

This is Andie.
Andie, this is my sister, Dora.

- Hi, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

Andie is kicking Ben's ass
in Bullshit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Oh, I like this girl.
- That's right.

Ben's starting a little
card collection.

All right, let me get back
on track here.

Gentle Ben starts with three
ladies, and that's to you.

What do you got to say
about that?

Bullshit.

You heard me.
I said bullshit.

What is that...
seven in a row, Sparky?

I think somebody's met
his match.

Well, I, it's all
about reading people.

Loser.

Okay. Two kings.

Bullshit?

Bullshit!

Yeah, you!

Nah, nah, nah, no!

You have met your match.

And you, Mom...
Miss Pure of Heart.

Pop, I told you.
You're hiding behind a badge.

I didn't see anything.

Cheated me.

Betrayed by my own parents.

The only honest man
in this place

is Uncle Arnold, who's asleep.

But I won.

I'm going to go inside
and play with the kids.

Maybe they won't lie,
cheat, and steal.

Okay, keep my name
on top of the board.

Now, Andie, I hope you know

that we are expecting you
to come back here,

because you have held Ben
to his lowest Bullshit score...

Yeah, yeah.

...since his tonsillectomy,

and we are thrilled!

Lowest!

Why, were all his other
girlfriends Bullshit losers?

What other girlfriends?

Ma, he's picky.

You are the first girl
he's ever brought home.

Don't you break
his heart now.

And that dress. Andie, now,
does that come in my size?

Yes, sir.

My turn?

Yes, ma'am.

It's heavy.

Turn it on.

Good.

- Keep this clutch in.
- That's the clutch.

Brake here on your right.

Your gears are on the left.

- One down.
- Okay.

Now, when we take off,

you're going to give
a little bit on the clutch.

And you're going to go
a little bit here.

A little give, a little go.

How's it go?

A little give and a little go?

That's it.

A little clutch and
a little brake. There we are.

You got it?

I got it.

I got it.

You got it.

Voilà, voilà, voilà, voilà.

I mean, there's a lot of cool
things about a bike, you know?

Use less gas.

In traffic jams, you park
wherever the hell you want.

But at the end of the day...

Thank you.

Chicks dig 'em...

Hey!

You look so cute.

Can I ask you a question?

Well, yeah.

Chicks dig this?

Yes, chicks dig this.

I turned!

You're driving like a pro.

Yeah, look at you.

Look at this look.

Yeah, now, this shower...

is a little bit tricky.

The hot is actually cold.
The cold is actually hot.

You got to crank it
all the way up, at first,

and...

if somebody flushes
the toilet in Bayonne,

you are going to get scalded.

The towels are right there.

Everything all right?
Is this okay?

Oh, no, it's more than okay.

I love everything
about this house.

The noise, the smells...

Oh, well, the smells...
that's Uncle Arnold,

I mean...

What's wrong?

It's just that when
your mom hugged me today,

she really hugged me...

for winning a game of Bullshit.

Sweetie, that's a good thing.

Smile.

Smile. Now come on.
Give me a smile.

Okay, that's good, that's it.
Yes, you're scaring me.

This is home, huh?

This is home.

Hey, listen.

Tomorrow night my boss
is throwing a party

for that diamond account
I was telling you about.

I want you to come with me.

Okay.

Okay?

Yeah.

As my girlfriend.

Are you calling me
your girlfriend?

Yeah. I think I am.

Won't tomorrow be the tenth day
we've been seeing each other?

Maybe after that we'll know.

Listen, don't make any plans

for day 13, okay,

because...

we have a game to go to.

They're not as good of seats
as you got us,

but this is Game Seven, huh?

Yes?

Ah, come here.

Okay.

Yes?

Lana,

I can't write this article.

Is your computer broken?

I've gotten to know this guy.

Andie, do you see any
patches or insignia

anywhere on my clothing?

No.

It's because I'm not your Girl
Scout leader, I'm your boss.

You'll write the article.

This cover is
at the printer

as we speak, with a special
section on diamonds,

which is going to take care of
my ad quota for the entire year.

I want copy on my desk
in 48 hours.

Okay, but, Lana...

No but Lana. You'll do it...

because you're

a professional.

Yes, I am.

You're beautiful.

You look pretty good too,
Sparky.

Champagne, madam?

Thank you.

Chalk one up
to couples' therapy.

Wow. Some party.

You're going to do great.

I'm going to go to the bar
and get us a couple of drinks.

I'm going to go to the bar
and get us a couple of drinks.

Oh, good idea.

Okay? And while I do that,
would you please...

head over there and
frost yourself.

I can wear those?

Yes, ma'am, you can.

Phillip.

Lana.

I don't see you
at a party for ages.

Now here you are,

throwing the bash of the year.

I'm glad you could make it.

Like them?

Ah, it suits you.

I know!

Harry Winston.

How did you get
all these jewelers

to agree to appear
at the same fete?

At the request of Mrs. DeLauer.

Really?

Yes, you see,
Mr. DeLauer controls

70% of the world's diamonds,

and Mrs. DeLauer

controls Mr. DeLauer.

You're bad.

Enjoy.

Lana!

This is real?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no...

I insist.

Notre bonne Isadora,
s'il vous plait?

Yes, sir.

Such beauty
should be celebrated.

Isadora.

Oh, no, I'm Andie.

Oh, and a pleasure to meet you,
Andie, but this is Isadora.

Turn, turn, s'il vous plait.

84 carats,
named for Isadora Duncan.

Congratulations.
You got her here.

Yeah.

But the question remains...

Does she, or doesn't she?

We're going to find out.

An angel of God.

- Thanks.
- I am Frederick.

Andie Anderson.

Well, it looks like you've got
some competition anyway.

Miss Anderson will be wearing

Isadora for the evening.

Enjoy the party, Andie.

Merci beaucoup.

Oh, that's stunning!
Fabulous!

Excuse me.

Two champagnes, please, sir.

Pardon me, young man.

Would you be kind enough
to order me a whiskey sour?

Yes, ma'am, I can.
Mrs. DeLauer?

Yes.

I'm Ben Barry
with Warren Advertising.

How do you do?

The pleasure's mine.
It's nice to finally meet you.

I'm very happy to meet you too,
that's for sure.

Can I get a whiskey sour,
please?

I can promise you
that our presentation

will not weary you
in the wrong way, Mrs. DeLauer.

I cannot wait to see
what you present, Benjamin.

Ladies, do you
see what I see?

Oh, Phillip, that's ridiculous.
She couldn't possibly.

Don't be so sure.

She might possibly.

I think I'll go find out.

Excuse me.
You're Andie, yes?

Yes.

I'm Phillip Warren.

Oh, you're Ben's boss.

That's right.

Hi, pleasure to meet you.

Pleasure to meet you.

Well, I understand you've been
an inspiration to Ben

in more ways than one,

and I must say,

you look rather inspired
yourself.

There isn't a diamond
in the room that sparkles

like a woman in love.

Oh, no.

I'm not in love.

No?

I guess I was mistaken.

No, no, no. I mean...

I mean, I've only known him

for ten days. I...

You can't...

I can't... I can't be...

Ben is a very lucky man.

Excuse me.

Yeah.

Mr. Warren,
please don't tell him.

Please don't tell him.

Hey.

Ben, Ben.

Hey, hello, gentlemen.

She loves you,
she loves you not.

What is it?

I don't know.

We'll see.

Ben.

Mr. Warren.

Saw her, met her.
She loves you. You win.

Get ready to pitch.

Congratulations, point man.

I'm very proud.

So, you're the new
point man on the DeLauers.

She loves me.

Good for you...

and good for whoever she is.

Ah, well...
thank you so much.

Oh, you're so very welcome.

Gloating, are we?

Yeah, pretty much.

Warren told us, so...

Yeah, you don't mess
with my man Ben.

Your man Ben
is a cheater.

The girl has known
about the bet

from the beginning.

She was playing along
so Ben would win.

Tell him to enjoy his
short-lived, ill-gotten victory.

We're going to talk to Warren.

No.

- Let's...
- Come on...

Hey.

Remember us?

- Hi.
- Hi.

You know, uh, Warren

is going to come over here
in a minute,

and it would...

it would be so great if you
could just, you know, like,

act like you don't know
anything about the bet.

I mean, if you could tell him

that you really,
truly love Ben, you know,

and you weren't just,
you know, pretending,

so he would... he would win,

that would be huge.

So what's the average
Composure reader like?

Spunky, insatiable.
Uppity? You bet.

If you'll excuse me, Lana,

there is a beautiful
young woman

in a yellow dress

that I must go to.

Andie?

Yeah, she's my How To girl.

How To?

Yes. Right now, she's doing
an article called,

How to Lose a Guy
in Ten Days.

Just look him
straight in the eye...

Yeah, and just,
and just, you love Ben,

and you never heard
anything about any bet.

Yeah. Love.
No bet. Okay?

I understand.

Awesome.

Yeah, that's good.
Thank you.

You look beautiful.

This poor schmuck
she's been pretending to date...

well, not even
pretending to date...

she's actually dating the guy.

She's doing the most
atrocious things to him.

She's actually

named his...

She's named his...

You're Krull.

Ladies and gentlemen,

may I ask you all kindly
to be seated?

Now that we're all
suitably frosted...

Benjamin, where have you been?

We haven't much time to play.

And the ladies
do look lovely...

please help me give
a warm welcome

to our special guests
of the evening,

Mr. and Mrs.

Frederick DeLauer.

And now, I want to introduce

a true musical legend

who will perform
some of his Oscar, Grammy,

Tony, and Emmy
award-winning songs,

Mr. Marvin Hamlisch.

Thank you very much.

I really do apprec...

Wow, yes! Give another hand

for Marvin Hamlisch
is in the house!

A lot of you out here
don't know Benjamin Barry.

Well...

shame on you.

'Cause he is a very talented

advertising executive,
a knowledgeable sports fan

and a wagering enthusiast

but most impressively,

he is one hell of a singer,

and he has prepared
a little musical snack

for his new special friend,

Mrs. DeLauer.

Oh, isn't that wonderful?

So, Ben, why
don't you come up here

and sing your song?

Come on, Ben.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Benjamin Barry.

Come on, Ben.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Andie, Andie.
Whoa, whoa, don't run off.

Don't run off!

Ladies and gentlemen
you do not want

this young lady
to leave the room.

Thayer. Tony.

Would you stop her, please?

You see, tonight, the
really special event

is that we will be singing,
her and I, a duet.

Yes, Miss Andie Anderson.

Could you please give
a warm round

of applause! Thank you!

Andie. Andie Anderson.

Knock 'em out.

Let's see what
our song tonight will be.

Maybe one of her
personal favorites.

Marvin, do you know...

You're So Vain?

That's not one of my songs.

Can you work with me, Marvin?

Yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah

You walked into the party

Like you were
walking onto a yacht

You had your hat pulled
down real strategically

Over one eye, you had a scarf

I think it was apricot

Strategically tipped
below one eye

Yeah, yeah, yeah

One eye in the mirror

As you made sure
you had a real cool...

- Gavotte.
- Gavotte. Yeah.

And all the girls think
that they'd be your partner

They'd be his partner
'cause he's so vain

You probably think
this song is about you

Ben Barry, you're so vain

So, so vain

You probably think
this song is about you

Don't you? Don't you?

Tone deaf and drunk is not
a good combination.

No, you fooled
me to win a bet...

Oh, I fooled you?

And you should feel ashamed.

Look, you took me

to a goddamn
Celine Dion concert.

You made me miss the big game.

Oh, smart guy's a rhymer.

Well...

Do we want everybody to know
your lovemaking is lame?

Oh, maybe because
you named my penis.

Yeah, you named my penis.

You named my penis after a dame!

No, I really think
you have to get over that.

Come on, you're so vain.

- No, you're so vain.
- You are so vain.

This is the worst thing
I've ever heard.

And you know that this song
is about you, don't ya?

- No, no.
- Because you're...

You're so vain.

- So vain.
- You're so vain.

You do know the words
so well, don't you?

There she goes,
ladies and gentlemen.

There she goes.
Thank you very much.

Thanks, guys.

Take it from here, Marvin.

Wasn't she wearing
the Isadora diamond?

Isadora?

Oh, mon dieu.

Sécurité!

No, no, no, no, no.

Hold on, Andie Anderson.

I'm not done with you.

You used me...

Oh, I used you?

...to get ahead in your work.

You arrogant...

- Hold it!
- Backstabbing jerk!

- Lady, hold it!
- Come on, Andie.

All right,
you drove me half insane

for a goddamn magazine article.

Oh, yeah, and you told people

you could make any girl fall
in love with you, and I...

- Ma'am?
- I was exhibit A.

- Now folks, time out.
- You talk about integrity?

- What?!
- What?!

Look, please,
just give me the necklace.

Then you guys can go on
and kill each other.

So that's what I was, huh?

I was a guinea pig.

Somebody you could test
your theories on?

Yeah, and I...

and I was...

just a girl
somebody picked out in a bar.

Yeah, you know what? Big deal.

Hell, I'm sure now

you can even use it
as a little twist in your story.

It's a good idea.

Maybe we should bet on it.

You know what?

You did your job now, Andie.

Yes, I did.

You wanted to lose a guy
in ten days.

Congratulations.

You did it.
You just lost him.

No, I didn't, Ben.

Cause you can't lose something
you never had.

Well...

it's not what I expected.

It's better.

Congratulations.

This shows me
you're ready to be unleashed.

From now on,

feel free to write
about anything.

Anything?

Wherever the wind blows you.

Even politics?

No, the wind's not going
to blow you there.

What about religion,
poverty, economics...?

This wind

is really more
of a light breeze.

What can I write about, Lana?

Whatever you want.

Shoes.

Laser therapy,
dressing for your body type.

Use your imagination.

The sky is the limit.

Thank you
for this opportunity, Lana.

Okay.

And thank you for
making it easy

for me to turn it down.

No. I mean, look,
it's not something I'm proud of.

Obviously, if I could...
do it over again,

I'd do some things differently,
you know?

Say, it's good to talk
to you, though, man.

It really is.

Ah, I know it.

You are the only one...

that knows us both.

Yeah.

You want to go?

You want to go to the game?

Well, go ahead,
'cause I'm not going.

Seventh and final game

of what has been
a classic series between...

Sweetie, I wouldn't have gone,
either.

I mean, I would have liked
to have gone,

but they probably
wouldn't let me.

You're doing the right thing.

Oh, sweetie.

There's the Chinese.

I'm coming.

Okay.

Okay, so that's going to be...

Michelle?

Andie...

that wasn't the Chinese.

It's Mike.

Mike?!

Yeah, what do I do?
What do I do?

Talk to him.

Okay, okay.

Okay.

Mike?

Mike?!

Hi.

Hi.

So...

what are you doing here?

I don't know exactly.

It was last night...
I was...

I was just lying there
and trying to sleep, and...

you know that perfume
you sprayed on my pillow?

Oh, yeah.

Well, that smell is gone now,

and...

Michelle, I want it back.

I...

I don't know
if you can have it back.

Right.

Yeah.

Okay.

But I'm willing

to consider it.

Okay.

- Yeah.
- Oh, my...

These are for you.

Thank you.

Hi.

Hi.

We could kiss.

I remember where you live.

Who needs men?

Ladies... frost yourselves.

Beautiful.

And cut it.

Very nice.

You like?

Oh, it was superb.

Okay, let's go one more.

Right away, people.

Real good.
I'll keep working on it.

Tim, can I see playback?

Open me, Ben.

Please, break my binding.

- Jesus.
- Please.

- Get that out of here, man.
- Please?

Straightening this out.

You might want to read this.

Ah, no thanks.

Yeah?

I've lost a guy,
and I don't know why.

What went wrong?

When I started writing
this month's column,

I wanted to commit the certain
silly dating faux pas.

What I didn't realize was

that I was making
the biggest mistake...

of all.

Here. Trust me.

Read it.

Come on set.

Andie Anderson?

Excuse me, ma'am.

Holy crap.

Where's Andie Anderson?

She's not here.

- Where is she?
- She quit.

She's got an interview
in Washington.

When is she leaving?

- Today.
- When?

Well, like, now.

You're not a therapist, are you?

No.

Good job, though.

You owe me 300 bucks.

Andy!

Hey!

Andy!

Ben!

Pull over, we need to talk.

Are you trying
to get yourself killed?

If that's what it takes, yeah.

Now pull over the cab.

Sir...

Excuse me, sir.

Can you please pull
the car over?

We're in the middle of a bridge,
lady.

I can't pull the car over here.

Okay, well, do you have
an ashtray

or something I can throw up in?

Gee, lady.

Watch it, broad!

What the hell was that?

Is this true?

Ben, please.

Is this true?

Or are you just trying
to sell magazines?

I meant every word.

Well, where you going?

I have an interview.

Yeah, in Washington.

I know.

Where you going?

Ben, it's the only place
I can go

and write what I want to write.

No, I'm not buying that.

You can write anywhere.

I think you're running away.

Why don't you save your mind
games for your next bet, okay?

I am not running away.

Bullshit.

Excuse me?

You heard me.

Bullshit.

Hey, lady, what do ya wanna do?

Take the lady's luggage

back to her place.

She has alternate
transportation.

You callin' my bluff?

You bet I am.

Look who made the trip with me.

It's our love fern.

Oh, Benny-boo-boo,
boo-boo-boo.