How to Lose Friends & Alienate People (2008) Movie Script

WOMAN ON TV: Supposing Queen

Elizabeth had been misguided enough

to marry an English commoner.

Janette?

I'm sorry, Ms. Fox. I didn't quite hear.

Obviously, you are immersed

in problems

of far greater significance

than Elizabeth's foreign policy.

(ALL LAUGHING)

WOMAN ON TV: But these

mental pilgrimages...

SIDNEY: When I was a kid, I used to

think there was a special place

where all the movie stars lived.

A kind of Shangri-la.

And if you could just get inside there,

you'd be happy. Forever.

All these years later, I'm finally inside.

I've made it to Shangri-la.

My name's Sidney Young.

I'm a celebrity correspondent,

a journalist, a friend to the stars.

Yeah, that... That isn't me.

This is me at the Apollo Film Awards

in LA this year.

That's my Armani tuxedo.

That's an Omega Speedmaster Pro

watch I'm wearing.

That's the actress Sophie Maes.

Last night, she told me

she'd let me have sex with her

if she won the Best Actress award.

(INAUDIBLE)

She just won the Best Actress award.

(ALL CHEERING)

My life didn't used to be like this.

Only a year ago,

my alternative magazine,

the Post Modern Review,

was on the ropes.

I needed a big celebrity scoop to save

me from bankruptcy and humiliation.

But there was just one problem.

To cross the thin red line that separates

the looky-loos from the stars,

you had to be famous.

- Babe?

- Babe 3. Yeah.

(GRUNTING)

- But he hasn't got any ID.

- How many pigs are coming tonight?

(SQUEALS)

What, do you want to me to leave him

here with you? 'Cause I can, that's fine.

- I'll leave him here with you.

- No, no, no.

You cannot leave him here. I've got a...

Uh...

If you're positive you're supposed to.

- Well, well. Sidney Young.

- Oh...

Well, well, clipboard Nazi-type woman.

The pig doesn't get in.

(PIG SQUEALS)

SIDNEY: Plan B. If you couldn't

crash the awards ceremonies,

you had to get

into one of the after-show parties.

Of these, the most exclusive

was the Sharps magazine party,

hosted by legendary editor

Clayton Harding.

Here the A-list could finally relax,

safe in the knowledge that no looky-loo

would be desperate enough

to book a room

in one of London's

most expensive hotels,

just to get close to them.

Okay, Britney,

I want you in bed by 10:00, okay?

And no porn.

(GRUNTS)

SIDNEY: When I'm in LA, I like to stay

at the Chateau. Where else?

(LAUGHS)

And then when I'm in London,

I always like to stay here

- at the Haymarket. 'Cause, you know,

- Mmm-hmm.

I just got to the point now

when I don't feel at home

unless I'm in a hotel.

- Do you know what I mean?

- What is it that you do?

I'm a writer. I'm a movie writer.

Oh, great.

(CHUCKLES)

(PIG SQUEALING)

Hello? Sir?

(GLASS BREAKING)

Is everything all right?

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

And it is weird that I should see you,

'cause I was talking to the producer,

like, last week,

and I was saying, you know,

Thandie Newton, lead role.

- What do you reckon?

- Yeah.

I'm serious, yeah,

because you have the intelligence

and the beauty

and the fragility

that I think we're looking for.

- What's the film?

- It's called Tits of Fury.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

- You are too much.

- I am, aren't I?

NEWTON: I love it.

- What's your name again?

- It's...

Clark. Clark Baxter. How do you do?

(EXHALES)

(GROANS IN DISGUST)

(SCREAMING)

WOMAN: What is that? It's disgusting!

Oh, shit!

(GRUNTS)

Sarah, get security.

Sidney Young got in.

Who's Sidney Young?

Oh, fuck!

SIDNEY: Plan C. Keep a low profile

and leave as unobtrusively as possible.

(PHONE RINGING)

MAN ON PHONE: Why do you not see

how this is ridiculous?

It's a puerile and personal attack

in alcoholic prose...

Can you get that?

...you manage to misquote

both Derrida and Lyotard.

I'm sorry?

SIDNEY: Can you get the phone, please?

MAN: My stupid...

Your stupid fucking article!

I wouldn't do you the honour

of calling it a review.

- I am...

- A girl.

...an internationally respected academic

and...

- Prick.

- What?

You answer the phone.

What do I pay you for?

MAN: I am an author...

- You don't pay me.

- Answer the phone.

- ...in the history of culture. I am...

- WOMAN: A fuckwit!

Hello. Post Modern Review.

Sidney, if she doesn't apologise,

I'm quitting.

You're going to have to apologise,

okay? George can't leave.

- Why can't George leave?

- Because he owns the fax machine.

- That's why. What?

- It's them. It's Sharps magazine.

WOMAN: What are you

gonna do about it then?

MAN: Well, I will take them to...

Names are ridiculous. I mean...

- We're finished.

- We're not finished.

- If they sue, we're finished.

- It's going to be all right.

- Give me the phone. Shut up.

- Dead.

Be quiet!

Sidney Young.

This is Clayton Harding,

editor of Sharps magazine.

- Lord Vader.

- I saw you at my party,

just before you ruined it

with your little pig stunt.

- You liked that, did you?

- Sure.

I especially liked the part where

Clint Eastwood beat the shit out of you.

Yeah, well, you listen to me, okay?

I'm not scared of you, Harding, all right?

You can sue if you like, but, you know,

it's like Jimmy Stewart said,

(IMITATING JAMES STEWART)

"All right. Yeah, you sit up there and you

"spin your little webs,

"and you think the whole world

revolves around you and your money,

"but it doesn't, Mr..."

- Mr...

- Potter.

Potter!

You can sue us, okay, but I warn you,

- if you strike me down...

- Ms. Taylor's here to see you.

SIDNEY: ...I will become more powerful

than you can possibly imagine.

A hundred men will

spring up in my place.

Men who care nothing for success.

Men who can't be bought.

- Men whose only loyalty...

- I want you to come work for me

at Sharps magazine in New York.

(ARGUING CONTINUES)

(ALL CHANTING)

- Fight, fight, fight, fight!

(LOUD CRASH)

MAN: You can keep your

fucking fax machine!

Can you say that again, please?

(WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD

PLAYING)

Oh, fuck.

This magazine you're working for,

it is good?

Yeah, with Sharps.

You know, Sharps magazine.

Sort of high society, fashion, crime,

finance, Hollywood celebrities.

Hollywood? Sodom and Gomorrah.

Now everybody is celebrity.

You take out your breasts,

you're celebrity.

I think it probably depends

on the breasts.

In Poland, someone was famous

because they'd done something.

Marie Curie, Pope John Paul.

Yeah, well, they don't make entertainers

like that any more, do they?

Wise guy.

They brought your things yesterday.

Great. Yeah.

Yeah, it's nice.

I like it. Yeah, it's good. I'll put

my drums in the corner over there.

(CHUCKLES)

It's a joke. They're just little. Congas.

- When you start work?

- In the morning.

So you got to be fresh,

make a good impression.

Go to bed!

That's exactly what I intend to do.

(I GET AROUND PLAYING)

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

- Kona, please.

- Make that two.

I'm Clark. Clark Baxter.

Nice to meet you. Cheers.

- What is this?

- That's a water, sir.

That's not right, is it?

Put a bit of beer in it or something.

- I'm sorry, my boyfriend's sitting there.

- Is he?

(CHUCKLING)

He's fucking small, isn't he?

That's his White Russian.

He'll be here any second.

Excuse me,

can you reserve seats in this bar?

No.

I'm a journalist.

I work for a little periodical

you might have heard of,

Sharps magazine.

I'm the cultural editor. I...

This is a library card

from "Glow-chester."

Don't. It's the wrong one, isn't it?

I've got...

- Happy now?

- Just doing my bit for the gene pool.

(SCOFFS)

Who is that with Clint Eastwood?

- Morgan Freeman?

- No, in the headlock.

- You got this laminated?

- Give it to me.

Oh...

- Shit.

- Sorry, sorry, sorry.

- No, no, no! No, no, just leave it!

- All right.

It's got... Okay, then.

(SIGHS)

It's pronounced "Glau-ster," by the way.

- Are you going to get off of that seat?

- No.

- Do you know the meaning of karma?

- The curry?

What goes around comes around.

The moment is approaching

where you'll pay the price

for being an asshole.

And when my boyfriend gets here,

I'm going to encourage him

to take you outside...

(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)

Hello. Hi, honey.

All right, I'll see you then.

Boyfriend not coming?

Look, I'm sorry, okay?

Do you think... Do you think...

Do you think I could have his drink?

- Bobbie.

- Hey!

- Do you want my seat? I'm just leaving.

- Thanks.

Who do you think that is

with Clint Eastwood?

(CHICKEN PAYBACK PLAYING)

I'm going to go powder my nose.

Why don't you put on something

a little more romantic, huh?

(BOBBIE WHOOPS)

(CRASHES)

(ACE OF SPADES PLAYING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

- Mrs. Lebowski?

- Kowalski.

You know what time it is?

The music blaring, the door open.

Was it? Fuck. I mean, sorry.

Shit. I mean, sorry.

I just... I ran into an old friend

and I brought her back for a little...

Penis!

(SCREAMS)

(SNORING)

(ALARM BEEPING)

(GRUNTS)

Bloody...

You can do this. You can do it.

You can do this. You so can do this.

Come on, Bob.

A quick cup of coffee,

then you've got to go.

(GROANING)

SIDNEY: This is my city.

This is my building.

This is my lobby.

(BUZZER SOUNDS)

These are my models.

This is my workplace.

He's come down to see Mr. Harding.

And this is my boss.

What the fuck are you wearing?

Do you like it? I've got you one, actually.

Thanks.

- Sit down. How was your flight?

- Yeah, it was good.

Thanks for the business-class tickets,

Clay.

That was a mistake.

And don't call me Clay.

- Can we smoke?

- We? No.

Oh, my God. You...

You've seen... Yeah, okay.

That was a little... I'm actually a big fan

of your early, funnier stuff.

Snipe magazine was really good.

You've actually been

a big influence on me.

And I think together we can really inject

some of that Snipe spirit into Sharps.

I've got some ideas, actually,

if you'd like...

You think you've arrived, don't you?

Hate to break it to you,

but you're only in the first room.

In about a year, maybe longer,

you'll discover a secret doorway

at the back of the first room

that leads to the second.

And in time, if you're lucky,

you'll discover another doorway

in the back of the second room

that leads to the third.

There are seven rooms altogether.

You're in the first. I'm in the seventh.

Don't you forget it.

Can I use the bathroom in the seventh?

'Cause the one in the first really smells.

Which leads us to the subject

of your sense of humour.

I had a look

through your magazine here.

What did you think?

Felt it was kind of snarky

and bitter

and witless.

I'm going to try you out

in the "I Spy" section.

You're going to report

to Lawrence Maddox.

Well, Sidney,

I know we've only just met,

but already I perceive

I'm in the presence

of a rare comic sensibility.

- Thanks.

- Harding wants me to be your rabbi.

- Show you the ropes.

- WOMAN: Mr. Maddox.

Are you aware of what we do at "I Spy"?

You photograph famous people

when they're drunk.

"I Spy" is the nation's window

into high society.

WOMAN: Thank you.

The looky-loos read us

because, well, they weren't there.

And the glitterati read us

because we tell them they were there.

For the system to work,

we have to know where "there" is.

So when we go out to clubs and stuff,

is that on expenses?

This isn't a vacation. It's a vocation.

And when we do go out, you're going to

have to wear something more suitable.

- What do you mean by suitable?

- Something that covers all this up.

- Is that Mussolini?

- No, Sidney, that's Richard Heywood,

owner of this magazine.

He does, doesn't he? A bit of the...

(LAUGHS)

Who's this funny-looking kid?

Is that his son?

That's his daughter, Elizabeth.

Now my wife.

Really?

She's very... Isn't she? She's got...

I mean, babies are all like Mussolini,

aren't they?

Ms. Olsen takes care of book launches,

gallery openings

and other intellectual fare.

Ms. Olsen, would you find

our new rookie something to do?

I hear the cultural editor's job

is up for grabs.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Look, seeing as I'm going to

be sitting just there,

don't you think

we should put last night behind us?

No. Now, get off my desk.

Yeah, but... I don't really know

what I'm supposed to be doing.

- Are you going to help me out?

- Sure. Which way did you come in?

Here, Chris Blick exhibition opening.

Caption it. Now get off my desk.

- Hi.

- Hi, Ingrid.

Aren't you going to introduce us?

- This is Clark Baxter.

- It's Sidney, actually. Sidney Young.

- Clark Baxter's my alias, so...

- Why would you need an alias?

He uses it when he's trying

to pick up transsexuals.

He's English.

Oh... Right.

(PHONE LINE RINGING)

- WOMAN: Hello.

- Hello, is that the Parsons Gallery?

Yes, it is.

This is Celia Parsons speaking.

Hi, this is Sidney Young

from Sharps magazine.

We're running some photographs

from your opening

of the Chris Blick exhibition,

and I've been asked to caption them.

I wonder if you could help me

identify a few people.

- All right.

- Thanks.

Chris Blick. Man or woman?

- What?

-Is Chris Blick a man or a woman?

Are you sure

you're calling from Sharps magazine?

Yes, I am.

Well, then, tell me, Stanley,

why have they given you

this assignment

if you don't know

who one of the most famous artists

in America is?

I don't know.

- He's a man!

- Great. Okay. Is he an old man?

He's an older man, yes.

'Cause I've got two old men here.

Is he the fat one?

You do realise that Clayton Harding

is a personal friend of mine?

- What's that got to do with anything?

- Right.

(HANGS UP PHONE)

(SIGHS)

(REDIALS)

- WOMAN: Parsons Gallery.

- Is he the one with the wonky eye, then?

(HANGS UP PHONE)

Oh!

It's fashion sensitive.

If you're not wearing Prada,

it will take your arm clean off.

But I am wearing Prada.

This place isn't what I expected.

- What did you expect?

- I don't know, like, the Algonquin Circle.

Dorothy Parker.

You know, martinis, quips.

- Nobody here's drunk.

- It's called being professional.

You should try it sometime.

Here's something

you gotta understand, okay?

I'm not really one of you.

- By "you," do you mean human?

- No, I mean one of the glossy posse.

Bunch of zombies

writing about pets of the stars,

acting like they're working for the UN.

I am here to shake things up.

Where are you from?

Not that it's any of your business,

but Port Huron, Michigan.

Small-town girl.

(IMITATING HANNIBAL LECTER)

I bet you couldn't wait

to get out. Get anywhere.

Get all the way to the NYC.

Silence of the Lambs.

Let me give you a bit of advice, okay?

Don't take the celebrity fluff

too seriously.

(ELEVATOR BEEPS)

You arrogant...

(COUGHS)

(BEEPS)

Are you insane?

- What?

- That was Lawrence Maddox's wife.

Elizabeth. Her father owns Sharps.

What? That was her?

The Mussolini baby?

- Well, I could go back...

- No! You do not

approach Elizabeth Maddox,

you do not talk to her,

don't even make eye contact with her.

Do you understand?

- What? Am I supposed to be afraid?

- Yes.

I don't know

the meaning of the word fear.

I'm sure there are many words

you don't know the meaning of.

- What does that mean?

- When I think of all the people

who would kill to be where you are.

You lumber in here, spitting food,

haven't got the brains

God gave a mollusc.

Why did Clayton hire you?

- Snipe magazine.

- What?

When Clayton left college,

he started this magazine called Snipe.

It was fantastic. Just took aim at all

the self-important celebrities in town.

It was completely fearless.

It was like my magazine,

but 20 years earlier.

I am the young Clayton Harding.

That's why he hired me.

He looks at me

and he sees his glory days.

- His glory days?

- Yeah.

Sharps has won

over 14 National Magazine Awards

and increased its advertising pages

by 60% since he took over.

He lives in a Bank Street townhouse,

and weekends in the Hamptons.

Clayton Harding is one of the linchpins

of the media-industrial complex.

Don't worry about that. I think

I might just be in time to save him.

(RINGING)

Hello, you've reached Sidney Young.

I'm sorry, but my answering machine is

out of order.

So the voice you're hearing

is actually me. What do you want?

(BEEPS)

RICHARD: Sidney? Are you there?

Sidney? It's your father.

If you're there, Sidney,

please answer the phone.

Sidney.

Are you there?

(SPOOKY PLAYING)

SIDNEY: Wow. Look at that.

Are you two texting each other?

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

There's about 100 grand's worth

of food here,

and I think I'm the only one eating it.

- You want some?

- No.

(LAUGHS)

- This place is just wall-to-wall totty.

- Wall-to-wall what?

Totty. You know, babes.

- Sexually-attractive women.

- Do you mind?

What?

- Hey, Lawrence, how are you?

- Hey, I'm good.

Good to see you.

Look at that.

All night long, people have been

treating us like royalty.

In London, the journalist's motto is,

"Everybody hates us,

and we don't care."

Well, now you're one of the high priests

of what's hot and what's not.

I shouldn't even be here.

I get thrown out of places like this.

(CHUCKLES)

(PHONE RINGING)

Lawrence Maddox? Oh, my goodness.

- Long time.

- Yeah.

You know, it is so funny

I should run into you.

I've just done this great little film.

It's called Five Boroughs.

- It's low-budget. First-time director.

- Yeah.

But it's really moving.

Hey, you know,

maybe you could do a little...

Vincent.

- Good to see you.

- Lawrence, right?

- Yeah.

- How are you, sir?

- Good.

- Good to see you, too.

- How's the picture?

- Pretty close to perfect,

if I can just get all the experts

to leave me alone.

In fact, I'm going to have

some screenings next week.

- You should come by.

- Hey,

that was Rachel Petkoff.

She's a fantastic actress.

She's not been in anything for a while,

but she was, in her day...

- Sure.

- No, seriously.

I think she's due for a comeback.

We should get in there.

Do a profile before anyone else...

Sidney, I'd like to introduce you

to Vincent Lepak, enfant terrible.

In my opinion, the most exciting

new director in American cinema.

This is the worst fundraiser

I've been to in my whole life.

It's a rat fuck, isn't it?

MADDOX: It's going well, huh?

VINCENT: Yeah.

Excuse me.

Could I have your autograph, please?

I'm a huge fan.

- Is that so?

- Yeah, I've seen everything

you've been in.

Those episodes of The Love Boat

and The Bionic Woman and Song Birds.

In The Night. And I saw

your first ever TV appearance,

The Twilight Zone, "House of Mirrors."

(BOTH LAUGH)

Right!

But my all-time favourite

has to be A Day Too Long.

You were great in that.

- What's your name, honey?

- It's Sidney. Sidney Young.

Sidney Young.

- Thanks.

- I'll remember that.

Thank you.

I mean, you look around you

and it's all shit, you know.

No one's making movies

that are fucking worthwhile.

I have to disagree with you, Vincent.

You're making movies

that are worthwhile.

This is what I'm saying, you know.

You have to inspire yourself.

I am my role model. I want to be me.

- What's the greatest film ever made?

- Excuse me?

What is the greatest film ever made?

Have a guess.

Well, I don't know.

I don't think there is one...

- Have a guess.

- Yeah. No. Have a guess.

What's the greatest film ever made?

It's hard to say.

I mean, I personally love La Dolce Vita.

(IMITATES BUZZER BUZZING)

Incorrect.

Con Air.

- I beg your pardon?

- Con Air, right?

It's got everything, hasn't it?

You know, you've got Malkovich

for your acting chops,

you got Nicky Cage for your action,

Steve Buscemi for your comedy,

John Cusack for the gays. Right?

It's like a smorgasbord, isn't it?

(GIGGLES)

I don't think we've been introduced.

Mr. Young, this is Eleanor Johnson,

Queen of New York.

Sidney's from England.

He's our very own idiot savant.

Without the savant.

It's always nice to have fresh blood

at these things.

Which reminds me.

I am here with Sophie Maes.

I want you to meet her.

Her new film, The Making of a Saint,

the buzz is amazing.

- What are you? A publicist?

- I don't really like that word, Sidney.

What do I call you, then?

You can call me Eleanor.

All right.

There she is.

(MOUTHS)

(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)

This one will go far.

Where's the car?

What's it doing at the back?

Forget what I said.

I want it at the front now.

I just think it's so awful

how we're still exploiting animals,

which is why I won't wear fur or leather,

or wear make-up.

I'm a vegetarian.

I'm with you on that one.

I won't eat anything with eyebrows.

Or something that can chuckle.

I would never eat an animal

that could chuckle.

I'm sorry, I can't really understand

your accent very well.

Nothing, I was just...

So you're an actress, are you?

- So you've not won any Oscars, then?

- No.

'Cause I would definitely vote for you

for Best Supporting Dress.

I haven't been nominated for anything.

- I realise. I was just saying...

- Sophie.

- Dear, are you ready?

- Yeah.

SIDNEY: I was joking,

'cause your dress is...

ELEANOR: Now, you know what to do.

(PHOTOGRAPHERS CLAMOURING)

PHOTOGRAPHER 1: Thank you!

PHOTOGRAPHER 2: This side.

PHOTOGRAPHER 3: Lovely.

Sophie! Sophie, Sophie!

ELEANOR: Thank you.

Thank you very much.

- All right. Let's get in.

- MAN: Sophie!

I'm going to the Circle Club.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay. Good night.

- Budge up.

- Where are you going?

- I'm going to the club.

- I'm sorry, you're not on the list.

(GROWLS)

- Cuba!

- See? Even Cuba says so.

(LAUGHS)

Cuba.

- Who's a good boy?

- To the Circle Club.

Oh, God! That just turns my stomach.

He's pawing all over her.

He's old enough to be her father.

- No, he isn't.

- Yes, he is.

Actually, I was producing sperm

when I was 13, technically.

For your information, he wasn't

pawing her. He was just doing his job.

In case you haven't noticed, Sharps has

to have a star on the cover every month,

and most of those stars are

Eleanor's clients, so do not piss her off.

She's a flack.

Hacks do not take orders from flacks.

And I wouldn't call that

doing his job, okay?

He had no blood left in his upper body.

Would you...

And the next time you want to do that

hilariously ironic "I love Con Air" skit...

I wasn't being ironic.

...would you mind not doing it

in front of Vincent Lepak,

who happens to be very important?

Yeah, I could tell that by the way he was

allowed to stay up past his bedtime.

- Do you think she'd go out with me?

- Who?

Sophie Maes.

Do you think she would go out with me?

No.

Girls like Sophie do not date journalists.

And as far as she's concerned,

you're the help.

What do you know? Anyway,

a lot of these starlets are lonely.

All they do is look around for men.

This is New York, Sidney.

Women only date men

who are successful.

- I'm going to be successful.

- And tall.

Yeah...

Have you seen this? She's everywhere.

MADDOX: Great coverage.

From Sophie Maes.

"Thanks for the great night." Sweet kid.

Sidney, about last night.

A word of advice.

Don't talk to the celebrities.

Sophie said

you made her uncomfortable.

So, Brad's people finally got back to me

and they've agreed.

We have the whole afternoon

before the shoot.

Good work, Lawrence.

Okay, if that's it...

(CLEARS THROAT)

Actually, I was thinking, Clay.

Paris Hilton.

I do a profile on her

as if she's this complete recluse.

(LAUGHING) Like a hermit.

You know? I'm tracking her down.

"Who is the elusive Paris Hilton

and why is she so publicity shy?"

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

'Cause...

Isn't it? It's good.

'Cause just changing it...

That's first room stuff, Sidney.

And call me Clay one more time,

see what happens.

(SOFTLY) I thought that was quite good.

Sorry.

If I give you an interview,

will you leave me the fuck alone?

- Bill Nathanson, nice to meet you.

- Sidney Young, Sharps magazine.

Huge fan. Lovely to meet you.

I've just seen the film

- Rap Rats.

- Good.

- Did you like it?

- I did.

I did like it. I did. I liked

the hamster thing that you played.

- Actually, he's a chipmunk.

- Yeah.

Now, I've done a bit of research

and I can see

that you're quite a private man.

- Is that right?

- Well, I like to keep a line...

I think that's great. That's brilliant,

but today, let's get behind the mask.

I don't think there really is a mask,

as such.

I don't mean to be a pain,

but what I really want to talk about today

is the new musical...

- Yeah.

- ...and keep it about the work.

- Is that all right?

- Mmm-hmm. Okay.

First question. Are you Jewish?

I don't see what the relevance of that is.

Okay. Well, fine. Second question.

The hamster thing that you play

in the film...

- It's a chipmunk.

- Whatever.

Is that gay?

- It's a chipmunk.

- I know, yeah, but is it a gay chipmunk?

Look, it's a kids' cartoon.

It's just a chipmunk, okay?

I mean,

I don't think chipmunks can be gay.

All right. So it's straight.

It's a straight chipmunk.

- Yeah, absolutely.

- Okay. Got that. So...

Are you gay?

I was...

I was trying to probe.

You want to probe,

become a proctologist.

(CHUCKLES)

You can't ask a musical comedy star

whether he's Jewish or gay.

From now on, just assume

they are all Jewish and all gay.

- Okay?

- All right.

No, I'd love this, but I'm so fat I couldn't.

- Get out of here.

- You look totally rexy.

That's so sweet.

(SIGHS)

I don't mean to be rude, Sidney,

but what the fuck do you want?

You know how things work here.

How am I going to get a piece

in the magazine?

I thought all this fluff was beneath you.

It is beneath me,

but things have changed.

What's changed?

Well, I know everybody thinks

I'm a bit of an idiot.

Okay, and maybe I didn't have

the best start here, but I want...

I want...

I want to have sex with Sophie Maes

before Maddox does.

You're loathsome, do you know that?

I know he's got a bit of a head start,

but I think I can win her back.

'Cause once I get my hooks into a girl,

she never gets free.

- Like ringworm.

- If you like.

Where are you going?

You, buddy. You big corporate dick-lick.

Hello, I'd like to apply

for a MasterCard, please.

Yeah. Hon Sidney Young.

Hon. H-O-N. It's short for "Honourable."

Yeah, it's a British title.

The Queen? Yeah, I know the Queen.

She used to be

in my break-dancing posse.

She's a body-popper

more than anything.

Fuck!

MADDOX: Well, hello. Cuba!

(CHUCKLES)

He likes you.

So, how's it feel to be a star?

No, don't, it's so embarrassing. God.

Those pictures are everywhere now,

and I had no idea that, that dress

was so see-through.

Plus, everybody's talking about it

like it was some kind of stunt.

Such a cynical age. Hmm?

Hello, Sidney.

Hi, I was just looking for my, you know...

I didn't know you were coming in today.

Lawrence is taking us to lunch

at Cipriani.

(SCREAMS) That's nice.

Lawrence, can I leave Cuba here?

He doesn't like Italian food.

Of course you can.

He can stay in my office.

Sidney, fetch Cuba a bowl of water.

- Will you?

- Of course.

That is a lovely ring.

- Where is that from?

- It was my mother's. She gave it to me.

You sweetie. That is very, very...

So, listen.

You've met Vincent Lepak,

haven't you, Sidney?

- Yeah.

See, he has a new movie

coming out soon,

and Lawrence is overstretched as it is.

How would you like

to do the feature on him?

Yeah, I would, actually.

Yes, I'd like that very much.

Well, great.

Maybe we can get together

and discuss the angle.

Okay.

What do you mean, "angle"?

Well, I'd need to know

how we're going to present Vincent.

You know, check the story and so on.

Are you saying you want copy approval?

Any stories written about my clients

need to be in their best interest,

that's all.

I mean, if things work out with Vincent,

maybe we can talk about

a follow-up story on Sophie.

What do you think?

I'm sorry, Eleanor, I don't work that way.

Sidney, dear...

Think of it like this.

You write about one of my clients,

you are borrowing

some of their starlight

to help sell your magazine.

All I'm saying is quid pro quo.

Sorry. "Starlight"?

SOPHIE: I just don't usually eat carbs.

MADDOX: It's delicious.

(GROWLS)

Hello, Cuba. Hello.

It's Uncle Sidney.

Come to see how you are. Yes.

What's this?

Would you like a little play?

(BARKS)

Fetch.

There you go. That's it. That's it.

Well done. Well done.

You and me are going to be pals,

aren't we?

Yes, we're going to be pals, yes.

You're going to like me

much, much better

than that prick Maddox, aren't you?

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

Okay. Ready? Ready?

(DISTORTED) Oh, no!

(YELPS)

(SCRAPING)

Come on!

Shit! Come on! Come on!

That's my bag.

Yeah, I was going to borrow it

for a second.

What are you talking about?

I'll bring it right back.

I was just going to put...

- Give me my bag.

- Just let me borrow it.

No. Give me my bag.

Give me my...

Oh, my God!

- It was an accident.

- What did you do?

I was trying to make friends,

and then it was...

Don't tell her.

Okay, just please don't tell her.

SOPHIE: Cuba!

Sorry, have you seen

this little Chihuahua...

Fucking A'!

MADDOX: Cuba?

SOPHIE: Cuba?

MADDOX: Cuba?

SOPHIE: Cuba!

What are you doing?

- You just can't...

- MADDOX: Alison?

- Have you seen Cuba?

- What?

Have you seen Sophie's dog?

Oh, um...

No. No idea.

Well, come and help us find him.

Don't worry.

He couldn't have gone too far.

SOPHIE: Cuba! Cuba!

(KNOCKS)

- Clayton, have you got a minute?

- Did they find that rat yet?

I don't...

No, not yet.

It probably just got out the building.

Congratulations on

the Man of the Year thing.

- How was lunch?

- I don't know.

$1,000 a plate, all I could taste was ass.

I'm kissing their ass.

They're kissing my ass.

I get this dream sometimes.

Someone's set fire to the building.

Heywood, Sharps magazine,

the whole thing up in flames.

My analyst,

he thinks it's an anxiety dream.

I never let him know how happy I am

watching the fucker burn.

What do you want?

I want to write a story

about Vincent Lepak, okay?

Not a puff piece.

Something funny, with teeth.

Like Snipe would have done.

Everyone's treating him

like he's some sort of a genius

and he's not. He's an idiot.

Look at these things.

How'd I get a closet

full of blue fucking shirts?

I don't know.

I don't know, either.

This is an office, for God's sake.

Why have I even got a fucking closet?

Do it.

- Do it?

- Fuck it, yeah.

Do it. He's an annoying little prick.

We'll take him down.

- This is your shot.

- Thanks, Clayton.

- You're my little hit man.

- Yeah, I am your little hit man.

- Go do it.

- Okay.

Hey, you could call me the Jackal.

- Out!

- Okay.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

- Mr. Young?

- Yes.

I'm Sophie Maes' assistant.

I'm afraid Sophie isn't here right now.

Yeah. Well, I know she's here, okay?

I'm not a stalker. I just know

she's upset because she lost her dog.

She isn't here.

All right, well, can you please

just find out if she got my present?

Okay...

Did you send the flowers?

Flowers? Yeah, 'cause she doesn't

get enough flowers, does she?

I sent the fish.

Oh.

You know, goldfish, in a bowl.

Did she get them?

Yes, but they were dead.

- All of them?

- Yeah. It was kind of shocking, actually.

Were they dead when you sent them?

No! Who sends people dead fish?

The Mafia?

(MAN CHATTERING ON TV)

(GASPS) Oh, my God.

- You're, like, a serial killer.

- No, no, no. That wasn't me.

Look, I laid him to rest.

Cuba.

- I took him out to the...

- I don't want to know!

- You might not want your bag back.

- Stop.

Sorry. Also, just the whole, you know,

not telling them thing.

I just wanted to say...

I appreciate that

because you didn't have to do it.

And a lot of people probably

wouldn't have done it, but...

Why didn't you?

You don't need my help

to screw up here, Sidney.

I mean, the only thing you make

are mistakes.

And stains.

May I help you?

Just a couple of straws, please.

Hey, listen. Let me ask you,

what is it with this book?

You're always writing in it.

What is it, like a diary? Am I in it?

It's a novel I'm working on. All right?

- Wow.

- Yeah, go ahead, I know.

- I'm a walking cliché.

- No, not at all.

That's very impressive.

- And you're writing it by hand?

- Yeah.

It's... I don't know, it keeps it separate

from the magazine work.

Makes it seem special.

You're full of surprises, sister.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

White Russian.

Are you waiting for your boyfriend?

Yeah, he'll be here soon, so...

What does he do, this mystery guy?

Is he like a hack, too?

- Actually, he's a poet.

- Oh, is he? What does he look like?

- What?

- Well, you know, poets,

they're not known

for being that good-looking,

'cause they're always in dark rooms

and they look like Gollum and...

- He's probably...

- He's very handsome.

- Thank you.

- Of course he is.

You know what I don't understand?

You're so desperate

to get a story in the magazine,

so why wouldn't you play ball

with Eleanor? Write the puff piece?

Well, I just resent being bribed

to gush sycophantically about a star.

I choose to gush sycophantically.

- Okay.

- Anyway, Clayton's given me a story,

- so I'm on my way.

- Well, that's good.

MAN ON TV: ...after these messages.

In a world where passion is forbidden

and belief divine,

the love she withheld from a man

she gave to all mankind.

WOMAN ON TV: You've given yourself

to Christ, my child.

But I love him.

(SOBS) How can it be wrong?

I believe in love. That is all we have.

And we must give it

wherever it is most needed.

MAN ON TV: Sometimes,

before you can find God,

you have to find the world.

Calcutta.

Stand up, Mother Teresa.

MAN ON TV: Sophie Maes

is Mother Teresa

in The Making of a Saint.

Coming soon to a theatre near you.

Anyway, I better shoot off,

leave you in peace with your poet.

- Bye-bye.

- Bye.

I've still got the receipt, so...

Which makes it a half a page left.

Lawrence, any ideas?

Yeah. Rachel Petkoff.

Fabulous '70s actress.

One of my all-time favourites.

Just made a movie

called Five Boroughs.

I think she's poised for a comeback.

And I think we should get there first.

Do a piece.

Sounds good. Let's do it.

Okay, that's it, people.

Clayton.

What?

Did you read my piece

on Vincent Lepak?

What? Yeah, that...

That's not going to work.

And for those of you who haven't heard,

Alison will be running

the "I Spy" section from now on

as Lawrence here

is moving up in the world.

He's replacing Greg Roberts

as deputy editor.

(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)

- Way to go, Lawrence.

- Thanks.

Congratulations.

Hey, I'm sorry, Rachel Petkoff

is one of your favourite actresses?

You'd never fucking heard of her.

That was my idea.

Well, so it was, yes.

If you have any more good ideas,

don't forget to bring them

by my new office.

By the way, there have been complaints

about you skulking around

the water cooler,

trying to talk to women.

- I mean, that's inappropriate behaviour.

- What?

You spend your life chatting up the staff.

When I do it, it's called flirting.

When you do it,

it's called sexual harassment.

Consider this an official warning.

I will not tolerate sexist behaviour.

I know that wasn't

Greg's way of working,

but Greg isn't deputy editor any more.

I am.

And I am making changes.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

- What?

- Hi, Lawrence.

There's a lady here

that's been looking for you.

- Can I help you?

- Are you Lawrence Maddox?

- The new deputy editor?

- Yes.

I'm here to congratulate you

on your promotion.

Thank you. I'm sorry, you are?

I'm your present.

(HOT STUFF PLAYING)

Lawrence, this is

inappropriate behaviour,

wouldn't you say?

This is wrong. I should record this.

Such a misuse of company time.

- Sidney, stop.

- I'm not doing anything.

Holy Christ!

- Hey, Mrs. Harding.

- Hi, Ingrid.

Oh, my God. So adorable.

This is Ingrid

from the fashion department.

- You're getting so big.

- Where's Mr. Maddox now?

He moved to Room 217.

- It's just over there.

- Okay.

- Bye.

- Bye. Come on, girls.

Let's go see Mr. Maddox.

My God! My Lord above!

This is terrible. Oh, good Lord!

(SIDNEY EXCLAIMS)

There's a surprise.

Look at his face. Wow!

What do you think...

Mrs. Harding.

Girls.

- SIDNEY: Bobbie.

- What?

I've got cock on my hand.

I see what you're saying.

Whatever you like. There's gonna be

- plenty of time before we lock it in...

- That's great.

- ...so if you want to change it...

- All right. Love to hear that.

Get in.

I didn't know it was

Take Our Daughters to Work Day.

I didn't know there was

a Take Our Daughters to Work Day.

Shut up.

You know, when I told my wife

I'd hired another Brit, she was excited.

She still thinks you're all like something

out of Pride And Prejudice.

But after what she just saw in that room,

now she thinks you're a British person

born in New Jersey.

- Why did I hire you?

- I don't know. Why did you hire me?

I had an attack of nostalgia.

But it's passed. Like gas.

- What was wrong with my story?

- What?

Why did you kill

my Vincent Lepak story?

Sidney, it wasn't good enough.

Simple as that.

Wasn't good enough?

- We don't do hatchet jobs here.

- Come on.

- It wasn't a hatchet job.

- Your opening quotation,

"It's only too easy

to catch people's attention

"by doing something worse than

anyone else has dared do it before."

Who are you thinking of here?

Yourself or Vincent?

He is a talentless, pretentious little twat,

who thinks that cinema began

with Tarantino.

And somebody needed to say that.

You told me to do something with teeth.

I'm trying to run

a fucking magazine here.

"A free press is the last defence

against the tyranny of stupidity."

Save me your tin-pot philosophy.

It's not mine. It's yours.

First issue of Snipe.

Would you grow the fuck up?

You are not Robin Hood.

You never were.

You bitch about famous people

for the same reason

I used to bitch about them.

Because they got invited to the party

and you didn't.

Well, Sidney, you're at the party now.

Quit your bitching

and do your fucking job.

You're on your last life here.

Do you understand that?

One more fuck-up like today,

you are gone.

Won't you have to run a decision

like that past Eleanor first?

Get out.

(CHILDREN SHOUTING)

ALISON: I can't believe

you hired Bob as a stripper.

SIDNEY: I didn't hire him.

She did it as a favour.

ALISON: I thought you wanted

to be a success here.

SIDNEY: I do. It wasn't me. It was Clark.

ALISON: Oh, your alias, right.

(BOTH LAUGH)

I don't think Clayton's going to publish

anything I write, you know?

I've been on salary for four months now,

and I've written probably 175 words.

I think, dollar-per-words basis,

I am the highest-paid writer

in the history of this magazine.

He's not going to renew my contract.

Well, what do you expect?

I mean,

Vincent's one of Eleanor's clients.

I told you, they're untouchables.

I just thought Clayton was different,

you know? I really did.

The only thing I'm good at

is pissing people off

and he won't even let me do that.

"My glory walks hand in hand

with my doom."

Troy.

- Troy who?

- Troy the movie.

Clayton only invited me here,

so I could be shunned.

Everybody hates me.

You're the only one that will talk to me.

- You cornered me.

- I'm serious.

Do you want another drink?

Yeah, I'll have a half a lager.

MADDOX: Sophie, darling!

Ravishing as ever.

We were just talking.

Did you all know that Lawrence

published a book of poetry?

- SOPHIE: No.

- Called The Hollow Heart.

- You write poems?

- In another lifetime. You know, dabble.

- Cointreau?

- Right here. Thank you.

- And the White Russian?

- Right here.

MADDOX: Well, well, if it isn't Sidalee.

What time does the stripper come on?

(LAUGHS)

Shut up, Maddox.

Where's your sense of humour, Sidney?

Choke! Choke!

Hi, Mrs. Harding.

Hi.

(SIDNEY STUTTERS)

Lovely party. Happy Fourth!

Jesus!

Has anyone ever told you before

that you have an unusually dark aura?

Yes.

You should walk with bare feet

as much as possible.

Ground all that negative energy.

What are you, a wizard or what?

- I'm a spiritual healer.

- Can you make a living out of that?

(LAUGHS)

Oh, God, no. I'm a dentist.

You want to do some coke?

(YANKEE DOODLE PLAYING)

England! England! England!

England! Oi, Orlando!

You used to be English.

England! England! England!

England! England!

Fuck!

(GROANS)

(YANKEE DOODLE CONTINUES)

You okay?

- What?

- I said, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

- You?

- Yeah.

No, actually, I'm not.

I hate my life, so, you know,

I'm going to get drunk.

Right, well... I'll see you, then.

- How could you?

- What?

How the...

You and Maddox having an affair!

(SHUSHING)

For Christ's sake!

The man with hidden shallows!

I used to think... I just thought...

When I met you,

I thought you were bit of a pain,

but I was really... God damn it! Maddox!

How can you live with yourself?

I couldn't.

That's why I've broken up with him.

That's no... You broke up with him?

- Which leg did you hurt?

- This one.

(GROANS) God! Fuck! God.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

You know what?

There's something

very damaged about you.

(LAUGHS)

Like an animal

that's been hit by a car or something.

Like a deer

or like a pig, maybe.

And they walk all funny,

and the other animals keep away

from them.

Little, limpy pig.

I'm drawn to sick animals.

That's why I picked Cuba.

Because he had,

like, psychological problems.

Poor little Cuba.

Where is he now?

Jesus, I'm wasted. Are you wasted?

Because I'm really wasted.

I slept it off.

Congratulations on becoming

incredibly famous, by the way.

Thanks.

- What's that like?

- Weird.

It's all happening so fast,

and it sort of feels like

it has nothing to do with me.

Kind of like I'm not really even here.

You know what would be nice, though?

Some coke.

It's probably just as well

I don't have any, though.

Coke always makes me so horny.

Wizard! I need the wizard dentist!

I need the wizard... Not you.

The dentist wizard.

The wizard, have you seen him?

He's like a wizard/dentist.

(EXCLAIMS)

- Okay, all right. You got it.

- Thank you!

Thank you so much.

It's okay.

I will never, never, never forget this.

It's okay. Really.

- What are you doing?

- None of your business.

You can't drive like that, okay?

Go just sleep it off.

Firstly, you are a stupid asshole

and I hate you!

- And secondly, secondly...

- Okay, okay, okay.

I hate you

'cause you're a stupid asshole.

Look, if you drive in this condition,

you are going to kill yourself, okay?

(CRYING) I don't care if I did.

I hate my life.

I got to go. I got to go.

- Just... Come on. Come here.

- No, don't touch me.

I hate rental cars. I hate them.

No, give me the keys.

I've got to go home.

I thought I had it all figured out.

A, get the hell out of Port Huron,

come to New York.

B, do the serious journalism thing

to pay the bills, while I write the novel.

C, win the Pulitzer.

- E.

- D.

D, I don't know what D was.

Then I took the internship

at Sharps and...

(SIGHS)

I met Maddox.

And then before you know it,

I'm writing

Ten Tips for the Fucking Metrosexual

and pretending this is what I wanted.

- And that's why I hated you.

- I didn't know you hated me.

You were right about me.

I'm a ghoul writing fluff.

No, you're not a ghoul, okay?

You're a zombie.

- A ghoul is like a ghost...

- Fine.

I need a cigarette.

Where are my cigarettes?

You don't smoke.

Oh, yeah.

When I told him

I couldn't see him any more,

I don't know if he cared.

I love him, and I don't know if he cares.

Look, I'm sure he does care, okay?

He's probably just not very good

at expressing his emotions.

(SOBS)

Okay, well, let's just calm down, okay?

Don't get snot everywhere,

'cause it's a rental.

Oh, God.

What?

(VOMITS)

(TYRES SCREECH)

(SIDNEY EXCLAIMS)

That's grim!

(ALISON WAILS)

(SHUSHING)

ALISON: No more steps, no.

Will you shut up?

You're going to wake the old witch up.

ALISON: No. Why are we stopping?

Hi.

- Did we wake you?

- ALISON: Oh, God, I'm a whore!

I'm a whore! I'm a...

I'm a whore.

- I'm a whore!

- Hello, Dad.

(CLATTERING)

(ME SO HORNY PLAYING)

I love this song!

- She's not actually a prostitute.

- Oh, good.

So, Sidney's dad. It's nice to meet you.

- I'm Alison.

- Delighted to meet you.

- I'm from Port Huron.

- Port Huron.

And you must be Sidney's mommy.

- No, I'm not!

- Okay.

I mean, my dad remarried, too,

so that's cool.

Where are my cigarettes?

What is this?

Hey, is this...

- I think it's probably cocaine.

- Yeah, that...

It wasn't actually for me. I was going

to give it to this young actress.

So, Mr. Sidney, what you doing here?

- Please, call me Richard.

- Richard.

Well, I've

written a little book,

and I'm doing some talks.

- I'm writing a book.

- Yeah?

- What's yours about?

- I write books on philosophy.

- Philosophy.

- Ideas.

Oh, my God.

Richard Young? The...

You're R.C. Young?

You never said

your dad was R.C. Young!

I brought you a copy

of the book, Sidney.

I'd love to hear what you think.

What would Sidney

know about philosophy?

He does have a master's in the subject.

You're shitting me!

He... He likes Con Air.

- I don't feel very good.

- Come on.

- Time you were in bed.

- Okay.

You can sleep on the couch.

It was a pleasure to meet you,

Lord Young.

Lord?

You really should have said

you were coming.

That would have required

you answering one of my calls.

Yeah, well, I've been kind of busy.

Of course. Yes, I...

I picked up your magazine at the airport.

Most enjoyable.

I particularly liked

the young Hollywood actress

who said she would like to start

her theatre career somewhere small

like London or England.

- Why must you always do this?

- It's just a little joke.

No, it's not a little joke, is it?

Basically, what you're saying is

what I do is worthless.

I don't think it's worthless.

I just think that you know in your heart

that you could be doing more

with your life.

More?

Sharps magazine is one of the most

respected magazines in the world.

There's a million hacks that would

give anything to be where I am.

Do you know who I hung out with

just today? Orlando Bloom.

- I don't know who that is.

- Of course you don't know who that is.

You don't know who anyone is.

You thought Brad Pitt

was a cave in Yorkshire.

The thing is most people do know

who that is, all right?

And most people wouldn't think

a journalist hanging out

with celebrities like that

was a disappointment.

I don't think

you're a disappointment, Sidney.

I've never thought that.

I'm sorry. I...

I didn't mean to upset you.

Things haven't been that great,

actually, Dad.

I don't know why.

I can't seem to get ahead.

- If you're not happy...

- No, I'm fine.

Really, I can make it. I know I can.

Einstein said,

"Try not to become a man of success,

"but rather to become a man of value."

Young lady

in the bedroom there, Alison.

She wouldn't have anything to do

with your desire to stay on, would she?

No, we're just friends.

Anyway, she says that New York women

don't go for losers.

I suppose not.

But Alison is from Port Huron, isn't she?

(SNIFFLES)

(SIGHS)

(SNORING)

(GRUNTS)

I don't remember much from last night,

but I'm so, so sorry.

Why? No... You were all right.

Oh, my God. Your father.

- And that woman.

- Mrs. Kowalski?

Don't worry about it. The last woman

she caught me with had a penis.

- So, you know, you're a big step up.

- Thanks.

- Who is that?

- That's my mother.

No way.

- Was she a model?

- Actress.

- Is she still...

- No. She died when I was young.

Must be pretty cool

having your mom in a movie.

Well, I used to see her on the TV

from time to time

when I was growing up.

You know, which is kind of weird.

Okay, full English fry-up.

Perfect hangover cure.

(GAGS)

Not again!

(LAUGHS)

Hi. I was just, you know...

Just rooting through

your personal possessions.

- I like the opening.

- You do?

Yeah. Can I read the rest of it?

Believe it or not,

I am a pretty good editor.

I don't know. I don't even know

if I'm going to bother finishing it.

Hey. "Keep true to the dreams

of thy youth."

Is that Troy again?

It's Schiller.

I'm going to jump in the shower,

and then I really will get out of your hair.

Well, wait, 'cause I...

I got you a present.

I was walking past this record shop

on the corner and I saw it and thought,

you know, it might cheer you up, so...

You said it was your favourite film, so...

That is...

I don't even know what to say.

I don't have a turntable.

Well, you could always come

round here and listen to it.

(LA DOLCE VITA FINALE PLAYING)

Are you kidding?

I could throw up on you again.

Oh, come on. Come on!

There we go.

Come on, don't be shy.

I'm a great mover.

(LAUGHS)

(BOTH LAUGH)

Hey, Alice? Versace. You like?

I'm good, thanks.

You know, honey, everybody needs

to change their look every now and then.

Especially when they have

a new man in their lives.

What? I'm...

What are you talking about?

That English guy is always

hanging around you these days, right?

Tell me it isn't so.

- Of course not.

- Thank God!

Can you imagine? He's such a creep.

This is gorgeous, but I'm just too fat.

Don't be crazy. Alice?

Is Anna fat?

Not at all. Why, she's so thin

I could take her little spindly body

and snap her over my knee

like a dry fucking twig.

And, for your information,

Sidney Young has more going for him

than anyone in this place.

(ALARM BLARING)

It works. It works good.

Elephants.

Hey, Alison. I was wondering if...

Hey, Alison. I was wondering maybe

if you wanted to go see a movie

or have a meal or...

Do you want to go on a date?

Might work.

(I DON'T FEEL LIKE DANCIN' PLAYING)

Eleanor?

- Hello, Sidney.

- I like your costume, Vincent.

I'm not wearing a costume.

- Idiot.

- Wanker.

- I'd better go find Ed.

- Okay, I'll see you.

- See you.

- Clara Bow.

Louise Brooks.

Bela Lugosi?

- George Hamilton.

- George Hamilton's not dead.

Isn't he? That's a shame.

I was looking for you, actually.

And I have something

I wanted to tell you.

Me first.

I wanted to ask if maybe

you wanted to go and maybe go and see

a movie, or go have something to eat.

What?

- I can't understand what you're saying.

- I'm sorry.

Sorry. Yeah.

No, I just wanted to ask if...

- Back in a minute.

- All right.

I wanted to tell you that

Lawrence has left his wife.

- We're going to be together. Officially.

- That...

That's brilliant.

- So maybe he does care after all, right?

- Yeah.

I'm going to...

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah, and take

the West Side Highway, please.

Eleanor! Wait!

Let me write the profile on Vincent.

I don't think so.

You can have complete copy approval.

It will be like you wrote it.

(SCREAMING)

Vincent, think about it, okay?

Think about how humiliating

it will be for me, please.

- I am begging you.

- You...

You don't look like you're begging.

West Side Highway, please.

Sit down, Sidney.

Lawrence Maddox is no longer

working for Sharps magazine.

Seems that Elizabeth got tired of him

screwing around and kicked him out.

She kicked him out?

Richard Heywood doesn't seem

to like the idea of employing

an ex-son-in-law. Mmm?

So he's gone. So is Alison Olsen.

Don't worry about Maddox.

He's already lined up something

with Gotham magazine.

I'm going to need somebody

to hold the fort at "I Spy."

Strictly on a temporary basis,

you understand.

One more thing.

I had a call

from Eleanor Johnson this morning,

wanting to know if you would like

to write a profile on Vincent Lepak.

I don't know how you did it, Sidney,

but somehow

you've made it to the next room.

(FOR REASONS UNKNOWN PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

- Hi.

- Hey.

Well, well, little Sidalee.

Listen, I can't stay. Anderson wants me

to go to some photographer's exhibition.

Hot new talent. Blah, blah, blah.

How hot is she?

- Who?

- The talent.

See you back home.

Could you stop carrying

this book around?

It's kind of embarrassing.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

- Hey.

- Nice robe.

- Oh, thanks.

Ralph Lauren. It was a gift.

Who from?

Ralph Lauren.

I was doing a piece and...

I wanted to say congratulations.

I heard about your promotion.

- I'm really happy for you.

- Well, yeah, thanks.

- How's things going with you?

- Good. Fine.

Everything's... I'm working

for this little literary magazine.

It's not The New Yorker, but...

So I left you a bunch of messages.

- Yeah, I know, I've been so busy.

- Yeah. I thought so.

- Okay, well...

- How's the novel going?

I... I'm still working on it.

Well, you should keep at it.

I believe in you.

Actually, I never gave you these.

(GROANS)

There you go.

(ALISON CHUCKLES)

It's just, you know... You don't have to

use them if you don't want.

You know, don't even look at it.

- You know...

- Sidney?

Hey, Alice.

Where did it all go so wrong?

Bye.

Sophie is going to get

an Apollo Film Awards nomination

for Best Actress.

Wow! That's great. But the nominations

haven't been announced yet.

That is correct.

Which is why we have

absolutely no way of knowing

whether or not she will be nominated.

But when she is nominated,

we would like Sharps to do a feature.

Someone to cover the whole lead-up.

Unrestricted access.

The trajectory,

the building of this unique brand.

I'm going to have a logo.

So, here's the deal.

Sophie wants you to write the story.

You can be my bitch.

(WHIMPERS)

Merry Christmas, Sidney.

This is a cover story.

I think a little celebration is in order.

Chin-chin.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

SIDNEY: It's 20 storeys up.

WOMAN: Sidney, you loser!

MAN 1: You suck!

It's too high.

WOMAN: You can do it!

MAN 1: Grow some balls, man.

Don't be a wimp.

MAN 2: Come on!

MAN 3: Come on.

Such a loser!

- You didn't do it!

- It's high!

Oh, but you let me down.

You couldn't do it. It's bloody high.

(FOR REASONS UNKNOWN PLAYING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(THUD)

(CHEERING)

- What are you?

- Limpy pig.

- What?

- I'm your little limpy pig.

That's right, limpy pig.

And now it's time to pay a forfeit.

- What do you got?

- I've got my little limpy pig dance.

(GRUNTS)

(LAUGHTER)

Give me your ring.

(STUTTERING)

I can't.

- Come on.

- No, I can't.

- Give me your ring. I want it.

- I can't.

Okay.

If you give me your ring,

and I win tomorrow,

I'll let you have sex with me.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(SCREAMS)

MAN ON TV: ...has left Rocky wondering

where the others have gone.

His old anxieties

about being left alone...

WOMAN ON TV: Now there's an easy

way to remember everything.

Oh, thank you, Mike.

I'll buy you a better one,

just as soon as I...

No, you won't.

I'm always going to keep this one.

I'll never part with it.

Never, never, never.

Let's do it properly. Please.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

PHOTOGRAPHER:

Ms. Maes. Over here. Smile!

Thank you, Sophie.

What people don't realise

is that all saints start out

as human beings.

And all human beings fall in love

at some point, right?

- Mother Teresa still has...

- It's really important, sure.

Well, anyway...

MADDOX: Well, well. Look at you.

Made it all the way to the seventh room.

Congratulations.

Wheel of fortune, right?

You go up, I go down.

You here with Sophie?

How about doing your old rabbi a favour

and putting in a good word for me?

- Need a little interview.

- Is Alison here?

Alison? No.

We went our separate ways.

Actually, she left me.

And tells me she's in love

with someone else.

Nope. Not you, I'm afraid, Sidalee.

Some guy named Clark.

Can you believe it?

These are the sacrifices we make.

I don't need to tell you.

This isn't a vacation, it's a vocation.

So, listen. About Sophie, need

a little interview. It won't take long.

(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)

SIDNEY: So, here I am

at the centre of everything.

I've got the tux, I've got the watch,

I've got the life.

I am exactly where I wanted to be.

(INAUDIBLE)

I've made it to Shangri-la.

(CHEERING)

I'm gonna have to

have the ring back, okay?

What are you doing?

- I need you to give me the ring.

- Get away from me.

- What are you doing?

- Give me the ring back.

My mother gave me this ring,

and she told me to give it to the one.

- She's not the one!

- Have you lost your mind?

- No, just... Will you just...

- Let me go.

I don't want to be on the inside!

I don't want to be at the party!

I don't want to have sex with you!

I killed Cuba!

(ALL GASP)

(GROWLING)

No. Hey!

Fucking, mother-fucking fucker!

God!

Stop it!

SIDNEY: This is live!

SOPHIE: I don't care!

ANNOUNCER: Well,

this is a strange one.

We've certainly never seen anything

quite like this before

at the Apollo Film Awards.

Sodom and Gomorrah!

I'm sorry!

(ALL GASP)

ANNOUNCER: I've just been informed

that the young man involved

in the altercation

is Sidney Young,

a reporter with Sharps magazine.

ELEANOR: Take your hands off of me!

You are finished! You're finished!

- Hey, Vincent.

- Sidney.

Fuck.

(GROANS)

(LAUGHS)

(SIDNEY PANTING)

Have a nice flight.

I need a ticket to New York, please.

The next available flight isn't

until tomorrow morning at 10:00.

It arrives in New York at 6:30 p.m.

local time.

There's nothing sooner?

- No, I'm afraid not.

- Fine. I'll take it.

Hi, you've reached Alison.

Please leave a message.

Oh, and Joe, if that's you, I got

the tickets for Empire Park tomorrow.

I'll see you there. Bye.

Alison, it's me. It's Sidney.

Listen, my battery is very low,

and I wanted to...

Can I see you? I just...

I don't think I'm going to be working

for Sharps any more, okay?

But it's fine.

Because I thought I wanted all that stuff.

I thought I wanted to be special

and have the money

and be treated differently

to everybody else.

Can I get an upgrade?

But I don't, okay? And... Who's Joe?

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

(SIGHS)

Could I get your autograph?

What? 'Cause I'm on the TV?

'Cause I'm up there

close to the movie stars?

'Cause you think I'm special?

For your credit card?

Yes.

Do you have any baggage?

Plenty.

(ENOUGH LOVE PLAYING)

Stop the car. Stop the car! Stop the car!

(MOVIE PLAYING)

Hi.

How's the novel coming along?

It's finished.

Thanks for the ending.

(LA DOLCE VITA FINALE PLAYING)

Oh, fuck!

(YOU REALLY GOT ME PLAYING)

Mother Superior? This is Agnes

from the Ottoman Empire.

ANNOUNCER: Sometimes,

before you can find belief,

you have to find someone

who will believe in you.

WOMAN: They say you travelled alone.

You came by train?

By foot.

That is not a suitable way

for a young lady to travel.

It is how the poor must travel.

ANNOUNCER: Sometimes,

what is so wrong...

MAN: You left this.

ANNOUNCER: ...can feel so right.

Stop it!

WOMAN: You've given

yourself to Christ.

(SOBS) But I love him.

How can it be wrong?

Why?

- I was told to come here.

- Who told you?

God.

WOMAN: The faith is strong in this one.

I believe in love. That is all we have,

and we must give it

wherever it is most needed.

Calcutta.

ANNOUNCER: Sometimes, before you

can find God, you have to find yourself.

Stand up, Mother Teresa.

ANNOUNCER: In a world where passion

is forbidden and belief is divine,

one woman achieved everything

by helping those who had nothing.

Sir Ben Queensley,

Dame Peggy Aitken,

Tod Rivera,

and introducing Sophie Maes.

Teresa, The Making of a Saint.

A Mel Cohen Film. Rated NC-17.

(GET OVER IT PLAYING)

(ENOUGH LOVE PLAYING)

How to Lose Friends & Alienate People (2008) - full transcript