How to Get Away with Cheating (2018) - full transcript

Although Professor Alex P. Keating and his wife Olivia's marriage has hit a bit of a dry spell, his professional life could not be better. Based on the success of his self help book, How To Get Away With Cheating, he is in immediate negotiations for his own television show ala Dr. Phil.

Good morning, students.

I am Professor Alexander
Keating, welcome to my class,

Marriage Counseling 401 or,
as I would like to call it,

How To Get Away With Cheating.

Who can tell me what the
biggest myth about cheating is?

Ah here, Sebastian, go ahead.

It's bad for you.

Cheating is good for you.

Cheating is not bad for
you, cheating is good.

Somebody say,
"Cheating is good."

Cheating is good.

Cheating is good.

Cheating is good.

Mm, that's right,
cheating, cheating you see,

it gives you the
chance to understand

all of the things you
don't want in relationships

so you can appreciate the
things that you do have.

There's a saying in baseball,

If you ain't cheating,
you ain't trying.

If you ain't cheating,
you ain't trying

and relationships
are the same way.

Relationships are the
same way and sometimes,

like baseball, the
relationship can just

get a little bit
boring and that's

when you gotta get out there
and do what you have to do

and run around them bases,
run around them bases

until you can score and
your marriage is safe!

♫ Yo why you keep
on making faces

♫ Your boyfriend tripping, you
just send me your location

♫ See, I had a
chance to stay home

♫ But you never use my phone

♫ So just hit me while
I'm gone, when I'm gone

♫ Yeah, late night,
Netflix and chill

♫ She think I'm playing, but I'm
really coming over for real

♫ I ain't on a date so
let's make this clear

♫ Don't get offended when I'm
biting your ear, that's right

♫ She only got a problem
with a man like, man like

♫ She need a fixer
from the fixer

♫ I can handle you
all night, all night

♫ I got the sex he
wouldn't give ya, give ya

♫ So I put it down and
made it up, made it up

♫ I'm the man, watch me
eat it up, eat it up

♫ You say he coming home
late, I'm on my way

♫ Set the stage straight

♫ What we do is
between me and you

♫ Act like you never knew, girl

♫ 'Cause tonight I'm
headed your way

♫ Send your package and show
me where you stay, girl

♫ I took a ride on the
West Side, West Side

♫ Knock your door,
you let me inside

♫ Guess I'm gonna get a
better ride, better ride

♫ Sure you're living
like, like a scandal

♫ I think you need to
twist the scandal

♫ Sure gimme girl,
up in the scandal

♫ She probably been watching
scandal, watching scandal

Well he always criticizes me.

I feel like whenever
we're out somewhere

or if I'm in the car, he
always has to criticize me

about how I'm driving
or what I'm doing

or everything has
to be a certain way.

You know, it really,
really aggravates me.

It has to be done his way.

It can't be my way.

I feel really uncomfortable

and I feel like
I can't be myself

and it really irritates
me that, you know,

I'm trying to be myself,

I'm trying to be
comfortable around you

and I can't because it always
has to be done your way

and I just don't feel like
you respect how I feel

or how I like to do things

and I don't feel like
anything I do is right.

I just feel like you're
always criticizing me.

Mr. Fulmer,

what did you hear
your wife just say?

Probably nothing.

Was she speaking?

How did it make you feel to
hear what your wife just said?

It made me feel like she doesn't
listen to anything I say.

It was great to see you
guys, thank you so much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

All right, thank you.


Gary, I'm so sorry.


Just please talk to me.

Listen, I promise I am not as
crazy as you think that I am.

I'm not psycho.

Gary, hello?

I just need you to
trust me, I love you.

You dumb son of a bitch!

Oh you're just lucky.

If I was there, I promise you,

I would stab you in
your eye with a pencil!

You damn son of a bitch!


is wrong with these people?!


Okay, these bastards.

Oh my

Oh my God, are you okay?

Oh, my fibula.

Oh, oh, I think so.

What the hell are you doing

diving in front of
my car like that?

- Oh God.
- Do you have a death wish?

No, no, no, no...

Obviously, you must
have a death wish.

Oh my gosh, are you blind?

Did you not see me
backing up my car?

I was dying to
meet you, girl, so.

You literally almost
died to meet me.

I said I was dying, yeah.

How you doing?


My name is Alex.

Hi Alex, I'm Fabrae.

Oh, Fabrae, oh that's
nice, that's foreign,

that's foreign, I like that.

Nice to meet you, though.

Nice to meet you.

Are you a professor here?

Oh yes, indubitably.

Player, player.

Well, I'm glad to
know you're okay.

Oh yeah girl, I'm okay.

You just gonna touch my chest
like that and walk away, girl?

You better check my
heartbeat or something.

It's beating for you right now.

♫ Baby girl you know
I want you to know

♫ The things I wanna do to
you, time to let it show

♫ No messing around,
but it is no mo'

Jared, look,
bottom line is that

Bo is the most qualified
candidate for the job.

He doesn't need experience.

Look, the man knows air
conditioning and refrigeration.

On top of that, he's reliable,

he's self-sufficient
and he looks good.

Nah, he can start whenever
you need him to start.

So what's the salary
looking like with this?

No, no, no, that's
not acceptable.

He's gonna need double that.


He'll be there Monday.

What just happened?

You got the job.

What job, I didn't
apply for a job.

I applied for you.

You applied for a job for me?


Why are you so amazing?

'Cause I'm meant for you, duh.

Quinn, you like the best
thing that ever happened to me.

Is that right?

I swear.

Tell me you love me.

I love you.

I wanna marry you, baby.

You gonna marry me?

Have babies,

we should put some
babies in here.

Okay, but you're gonna
have to do more than that,

you have to show me.

What you want me to do?

I wanna see everything.

What was that?


Oh, hold up a second.

Are you serious?

Ah, I gotta go.



My mom got hit by a car.

I thought your
momma was in Denver.

I'm so scared of heights.

You say what?


You said you're
scared of heights.

I am, but I have
you here to protect me, right?

You better believe it.

So I heard that a woman knows

whether or not she wants
to sleep with a man

within moments
after meeting him.

Is that true?

Mm, yes.

What about men, do they know?

How bad do you wanna
sleep with me right now,

Professor Keating?

Well seeing
that I almost killed myself

trying to meet you,
I'd say pretty bad.

I'd say desperately.

Me too, so desperate.

I'm glad you're so
desperate, like I am.

Not so fast.

I have a question to ask you.

That's kind of
rough, but okay...

Are you married?

Like Will and Jada married...

Like married, married.

Does it matter?

Not to some, but to me,
marriage is a deal breaker.

Not only will I not
sleep with a married man,

but I will ruin a
married man's life

if I find out he's married
and he didn't tell me.

So Professor Keating...

- Yes?
- Sweetheart...

- Yes?
- Baby...

Yeah baby, yeah, what's up?

Are you married?

I love my husband but...

You think
he's cheating on you.

You should follow his ass.

Follow him where?


What is that gonna accomplish?

I don't know yet, but I
got this friend named Juicy

and she suggested that I
just follow Bo around one day

just to see what he's up to.

So I did.

You have a friend named Juicy?

Oh yeah Olivia,
you would love her.

She's like this ride or die
intellectual hood chick.

So anyways, I follow
Bo to a coffee shop,

he sits down, has
a cup of coffee

and then leaves and
goes to the gym.

So you followed
him for nothing.

While I was at
the coffee shop,

this little Hispanic
chica walks in, right?

Sits down directly
across from him.

They don't touch,
they don't speak,

they barely even
made eye contact,

but I knew that they
knew each other.


Because Bo has a type,
cute face, a big breast girl.

That's him all day.

So you mean to tell me, this
cute Hispanic chica walks in,

cute face, big breasts and
Bo doesn't even look at her?

So after he left
and went to the gym,

I followed her and
ran her plates.

Quinn, how you run her plates?

Girl, I got a homegirl
that's a cop, okay?

Anyways, Bo's little side
piece name is Raquel Ramirez,

but they call her RaRa.

I know where she works,
I know where she lives

and I'ma follow
her again tomorrow.

In hopes of finding what?

The truth!

I'ma follow her,
I'ma follow him,

I'ma follow whoever
I need to follow

until I stop feeling the
way that I been feeling

and I've been feeling lately
like my man is cheating on me

just like you feel that
your man is cheating on you.

The only difference is, is that,

I'm not gonna let
him get away with it.

Amazing, yeah girl.

♫ Lately I've been thinking

♫ Oh baby, you crazy

♫ Tonight girl I
don't wanna fight

♫ I'll make you scream my name

What's your name?

Wes Lee.

- Wesley...
- No, it's Wes Lee.

My name is Laurel, Wes Lee.

Do you like to have fun?

We could.

A few of us graduate students

are gonna take out
Professor Keating.

Would you like to come?

I would love to come.

Hey Laurel, who are
those two in the back?

That's Frank and Bonnie,
they're glorified kiss asses.

They work for Professor Keating.

Doing what?

Bonnie, the blond,
that's his agent

and Frank, the stone
face, he's his manager.

So besides the butt
sweat on their lips,

they're actually pretty cool.

What does professor
Keating need with an agent?

Because Professor Keating is
one of the most sought after

public speakers in
the United States.

Good morning and welcome
to Marriage Counseling 401.

I am Professor
Alexander Keating.

I'm sure that many
of you have heard

a lot of good things about me,

but more importantly,
I can tell by

the excitable
looks on your faces

that you've heard a lot of
good things about this class.

That's the reason
why you're here.

So, let's go ahead
and get into it.

Take a shower.

Okay, when you come
home from having

whatever random sexual activity
that you've encountered,

she's gonna wanna
get close to you.

You think it's love, it's not.

She wants to smell you.

Nobody knows your smell
better than your woman.

Take a shower.

Wash the smell of someone
else off of your body.

No matter what she says
or how dire the emergency,

take that shower or you
will lose her forever.

Hey babe, where you at?

I'm right here.

You going somewhere?

Yeah, I told you I have that

overnight counseling
session in Yonks, remember?

- Oh, okay...
- I told you about that.

Hey, when you
leave, when you leave?


Okay, well I'm
gonna go take a shower

and then I'll drive you.

Oh, I called
an Uber, it's okay.

Okay, well I guess
I'll see you next week.

I'll see you when you get back.

So I can't have a
kiss before I leave, nothing?


I smell like some musty special
ed teacher and some kids.

I'm just musty as crazy
right now, booty stank.

I'ma get at, just I love you.

Here is the plan everyone.

So Professor Keating
doesn't necessarily know

that we are coming,

so this is a bit of a surprise.

So we have to be
very, very quiet

when we go into his house, okay?

I gotta go.

You gotta what?

I'm going.

No, no, stay right here.

You don't need to go nowhere.

- Be right back.
- No.

- Come with me.
- No.

I'm not going nowhere,
I'ma chill right here.

I'm not moving.

- Okay...
- No.

I'll be back.

Wait, so they more important?

I'll be right back.

You are something else.


What's happening?

He's nice, right?

Look, stop hating.

You're still my number one guy.

I think there's a cover
charge there.

Professor Keating,
we're here to save you,

mm, from your loneliness.

What are you, dumb?

You're all dumb.

Keep your voices down.

Shh, I think
he's with someone.


Come on, come on,
come on, come on,

come on, come on, get
up, get up, get up.

Get up, come on, come
on, come on, Fabrae.

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, no, no, no, no, no,

we got some more
strokes to do, come on.

Fabrae, Fabrae,
Fabrae, come on, girl.

Fabrae, Fabrae, hey, hey, hey.

♫ Baby what you doing

♫ I've got everything
you need and more

♫ So turn the lights down

♫ So baby, come here,
get comfortable

What you thinking?

I know what you was
thinking, pretty face,

small waist, big bootie,
that's what you was thinking.

♫ Like a blackened mile
that you can smoke

♫ Body is a flame
girl, don't you choke

Rule number three,
rule number three,

give yourself enough time

'cause you're gonna
need to make your

next lie your best lie.

Okay, I need more
time, I need more time.

♫ Never saw my lips, we're
bumping and grinding

♫ Yeah, yeah

♫ Oh you got me turning down
every girl that comes around

♫ You've got me turning down
every girl that comes around

♫ You know that we're love,
you know that we're love

♫ You know that
we're love, oh, oh

♫ Girl we high as a plane,
I'm your pilot today

♫ Today gonna take you
wherever you like

♫ 'Cause I don't wanna take
my chance without the women

We have got to
get out of here.

I agree.

We can't leave until we get
the woman out of the office.

Oh, who do you think she is?

I don't know, but we
gotta get her out of here.

Makaela, grab her legs.

I'm not touching that woman.

Shh, everyone, we
need to stay calm

and we need to be quiet, okay?

Look, that woman could
be dead for all we know.

We can't do that.

What happened to her?

Oh, Professor Keating
sexed her into a coma.

Dude, where the
hell have you been?

And why are you holding
up a pair of panties, man?


Were you
masturbating up there?


Why'd you go upstairs?

Just to check things out.

Look forget all that.

Ash, get her out of
here, man, grab her legs.

All right, all right.


No Steven, we
need to find her address

and take her home right now.

Just, everyone
needs to calm down.

What the fuck, she needs
to go to a fucking doctor.

We don't know that.

Are you serious?

She's unconscious, of course
she needs to go to a doctor.

And how the hell

are we supposed to
explain all that, huh?

Everyone stop!

We are going to drop her
off on the side of the road.


What the, God!

What the fuck
is wrong with you?

That's the stupidest
thing I ever heard.

You just wanna drop her off

on the side of the road?

Why the hell would
you hit the driver?

At least we know she's alive.

Oh sh...

Come on, open the
door, fucking come on,

let's go, let's go, let's go!

Oh my God.

- Go, go.
- Unlock the door!

- Get out of the car!
- No, no.

Open this motherfucker, man.

- Go, right now.
- Jesus!

Come on, let's go,
get the fuck out of the car!

Come on, let's go.

What the fuck, oh my God.

Leave her there, come on.

Just leave her.

Frank, come on.

Hurry the fuck up
before somebody sees us.

Let's get outta here, let's go!

Wait, wait, I need a selfie!


Let's get outta here, let's go!

Oh shit.

What, what what what?

Alex is here, come on,
go go go, Alex is home.

I love you Alex.

Look, I know I'm not
supposed to say that,

but I truly believe if you
feel something for someone,

you should just go
ahead and let them know

because you just never know
if you'll ever have the chance

to tell them again.

Every time I try to love,
I get treated like this.

Every time.

I don't understand.

I don't understand
what is so bad about me

that makes it so easy
to just walk away.

Now I guess I'm just
someone you can cast away

and literally have placed
on the side of the road

like yesterday's garbage.


Daddy why am I not good enough?

How could you just
walk away and leave me?

How could you daddy,

how could you just
leave me like this?

I love you, daddy, I love you.

Why am I not good enough?

♫ Oh, oh, oh

♫ Oh, oh, oh

♫ I never meant to hurt you

♫ Days I didn't deserve you

♫ Sometimes I feel your flesh

♫ Is my heart still working

♫ Days are starting
to get colder

♫ Come really looking
over my shoulders

♫ Hoping that you're still there

Oh my God, it's you.


Hi, oh my gosh, so this is you.

Oh my God, so I've through
so many failed relationships

and after reading this book,

I just know you're
the one for me.

If I can have just
one night with you.

I just,

I just wanna...

♫ I know it wasn't on purpose

♫ Now I know I love this,
love this, love this

- Get up offa me!
- Oh my God!

Oh, so much for fucking
self-help books.

You psycho.

They want you to
believe that you're crazy.

But we know that you're not.

I'm not crazy.

I'm smart, I'm
beautiful, I'm kind,

but most importantly,
my heart is pure.

You cannot sit
around worrying about

some man's opinion of you.

You will not allow
him to dictate

how you should feel
about yourself.

Mm, mm, mm,
what you need to do is,

you need to walk up
to him and ask him,

"Why did you have sex with me"

"and allow me to disappear
like I'm worthless?"

No, no, no no no no,

I don't need your apology.

I don't even want your company.

I just need closure.

Hey baby, you hungry?

No, I'm about
to get outta here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, you leaving?

Yeah, I got a lot
of work to do today.

Okay fine, but I was trying
to make you a sandwich.

I read that when your
man puts it down,

you're supposed to
make him a sandwich.

Where'd you read that?

It doesn't matter.

Bo, come here for a second.

Baby, I really gotta go.

Just a second.

Do you love me?

Do I love you?

Girl, I wanna marry you
and have babies with you.

You mean everything to me,
but I gotta go to work.

Speaking of work.

That's them right there.

But listen, when I get back,
I'm gonna take a shower

and it's just me
and you, I promise.


Give me a kiss.

Love you.

Love you too.


You on him?

Girl, I'm on him like
flies on a nasty ho.

My girl.

What's up, girl, you ready?

Let's go.

What's your location?

I'm on 59, headed North.

Trace it, do not let
that car out of your sight.

Okay, has the
eagle landed yet?

Yeah, he just
exited and I can't get over.

Celeste, where you at now?

I'm out.

That's okay girl,
I got his ass.

Hold on.

This fool is really
starting to piss me off.

Like he knows we
following him, he knows!

And he's still trying to
go see this bitch anyway.

Just disrespectful.

Like I ain't who I am.

I love it.

Where you at now?

Yes, you know I am
on 59 on the feeder.

I just saw him go
towards Fountain View.


I got you, man, like a dog,
this douche can't hold me back!

Oh shit, that's
how you do it, boo,

that's how you do it,
that's how you pull up.

Look y'all, we just
got a tell from Celeste

on Bo's whereabouts.

Henrietta girl,
you want a bat?

You want the golf club?

Which one we feeling?

Girl, is that a sledge hammer?

Do you see him?

They're right there.

You know what,
I was trying to be cool.

Fuck it, let's go.

Get the golf club.


The line is so long and I
actually just remembered,

I don't like the lattes
here, so let's go.

Baby, you like competition?


Well let's race.

Baby, wait.

Yeah, you did.

Yes I did, I won.

You did, baby.

I won, I won.

Yeah, you did.

- What do I get?
- What do you get?

What are we doing?

What do I get?

Are we about to go?


No, we about to
post up right here.

I'm hungry, let's
order something.

We can get
something, that's fine,

but get comfortable,
we not leaving.

They gonna come out eventually.

Hey, hey, wake y'all
sleeping beauty asses up.

Hey wake up, get up, wake up.

Did he come out?

- No.
- What?

Oh hell no, his car is gone.

See, he must've slipped out

while y'all asses were sleeping.


Look girl, it's
okay 'cause we'll get

his little trifling
ass next time.



You wanna talk about it?

Talk about what?

Last night, what you
may or may not have said.

Hear no evil,
see no evil, smell,

he says no evil, I said nothing.

I cheated on you, Alex.

It was a one-time affair.


It happened more than once?

We don't talk, we
don't laugh, we don't...

We can, we can
do, I can really do

what you're saying you don't do.

I'm ready to do it right now.

Put your hand on the
table, you'll find out.

I'm not saying
it's your fault.

I'm saying somewhere
it got stale

and maybe you didn't
notice because

you were too busy
sleeping around yourself.

So it's my fault?

I helped you, it was teamwork,

teamwork make your dream work.

You know what, I
did see you, baby.

I saw so much I
can't even un-see it.

I wish I could un-see
what I saw, but I can't.

I'm sorry.

So what now?

I don't know, I don't
know, you tell me.

You're the one with the mistress

or the mister or whatever
you want to call him.

I don't want a divorce.

Do you?


What do you want, Alex?

I want my wife back.

You wanna know what I want?

♫ I'm zooming through the night,
I'm zooming through the air

♫ Moving too fast, trying
to catch what's there

♫ My heart has been lost
and has never seen space

♫ What you feel inside,
moving in a fast pace

♫ Girl, you cheatin' me, that's
who you been sleeping with

♫ Right now it's happening, girl

♫ Get your bag, get your shit,
get you right through this

♫ Girl I'm through with you

♫ Tonight, tonight,
tonight, oh tonight

♫ Oh whoa, whoa, whoa

♫ Tonight, tonight, tonight

♫ You can have it all,
you can have it all

♫ Tonight, tonight,
tonight, you got it baby

♫ You got it, you got it,
you got it, you got it baby

♫ Tonight, tonight, tonight


What you doing?

I'm trying to kiss my husband.

No, no, no.

Why, it's just a kiss, Alex.

To you it's just
a kiss, but to me,

it's a gateway drug to some
serious sexual activity

and I know you not
trying to do all that.

How do you know
what I wanna do?

Because I know you.

You don't be popping it off.

Where'd you get that from?

From you, you like your sex
with a glass of Chardonnay

and a nice romance novel.

Are you trying to
say I'm stuck up?

No, I'm not trying
to say you stuck up,

I'm just saying you like your
sex with a little culture,

a little oui oui, I don't
have a little oui oui.

Maybe I've changed.

Wait, you said what now?

Maybe I've changed.

- You said you change?
- Yeah.

Oh, is that actual and factual

'cause if you changed, you
just woke up the master.

Master B is in the house.

I'm about to,

hold on, wait a minute.

Take them drawers off.

Show me how you changed 'cause
I'm ready for some change.

You know what, you're right.

I just woke up wanting
to kiss my husband.

So, since you wouldn't let me.

Wait, wait, hold on,

how about I trade you 20 kisses.

- That's a lot.
- 10 kisses.

- 10, okay.
- 10 kisses...

- Okay.
- For 10

You know you want that.

Whatever, later.

Wait hold on, where you going?

I need to get my
day started, sir.

We got plans.

Let's get on 10 of those
kisses, 10 of those

That's what I'm talking about.

So inquiring
minds want to know,

was he really cheating on you?


But you were
cheating on him too.

Yes, I was.

But the only difference
is that you were

cheating on him
after you realized

that he was cheating
on you first.


Okay, so how'd you know?

What, that he was cheating?

Yeah, like did you go
through his text messages,

did you see him in person
cheating with somebody

or girl, are you stalking him
like I'm doing my man, Bo?

Quinn, no.

Okay then how do you know?

I felt it.

You felt it.

Girl stop, 'cause if
every woman left their man

because they felt
like he was cheating,

80% of the world would
be breaking up right now.

And they would
be right to do so.


Look Quinn, if a
person is cheating,

you don't need any proof.

You don't need Maury or
Jerry or anything else.

All you need is your gut.

You feel that shit right there.

You don't understand
that feeling.

You don't even know where
that feeling came from,

but what you do know is that
shit is real and it hurts.

I almost left Alex.

I probably should've left Alex.

But I didn't because I could
see who he can be for...

So wait, you choose
to cheat on him?

I choose to
teach him a lesson.

So you got caught on purpose?

And that worked?

Like a charming bracelet.

Damn Liv.

You's a bad bitch.

Please believe me.


It's a good day to
be jogging, right?


So where are you heading to?

That way.

Want some water?

No, I'm good, I have a goal.

Have fun.

All right,
you have a good one.

You too.


That was nice.

Oh so, I didn't tell
you the other day,

someone was peeping into the
door from across the street

and when I opened the
door to see who it was,

they just took off running.

That was crazy, right?

Hm, I shut mine off.

Yeah, it happened.

Something else, that's crazy.

That's real crazy.

You're not gonna get the door?

That's crazy.

That's why your
phone gonna die, lazy.

- I love you baby.
- Yeah, okay.

He's so lazy, oh.



How are you?

I'm well, how are you?

I'm good.

I just moved into
your neighborhood

and I noticed that
you lived here

and this might sound
a little cliche,

but I'm baking cake for my
man and I ran out of sugar.

Can I borrow some?

Um, okay, but do...

Oh forgive me,
my name is Lindsey.

I bumped into you at
the park the other day

while you were exercising.

At the park, I remember.

I'm Olivia.

Nice to meet you.

I'm sorry if I'm intruding.

You know what, nevermind.

No, no, no, it's, sugar,
come on I have sugar.

Are you sure?


Oh, you're such a sweetheart.

Mmhmm, come in.

Wow, your home's beautiful.

Thank you, thank
you, thank you.

I'll be right back, cup.

Thank you.

Oh that's a cute
cup, adorable.

I know.

Right, I'll be right back.

You know, you moved
into a great area.

It's so safe around here,

the neighbors leave
the doors unlocked.

Your furniture is magnificent.

Ah, here you go.

Are you okay?

Oh, I'm great.

Here you are,
there's your sugar.

Thank you.

Oh he's gonna be
such a happy man.

I hope so.

Yeah, yeah, your door.

My door.

Thanks Oliva, bye.

Bye bye.


New neighbors, crazy neighbor.


You know I never really
stopped loving you, right?

Hm, okay.

I mean, that little
gesture you did

on the mirror in the
bathroom was cute, but...

Little gesture?

What, what are
you talking about?

I'm talking your
little romantic gesture

that you have in
the bathroom for me.


I thought it was sweet.

You know I always
go to the restroom

in the middle of the night and
wanted to say something nice.

I appreciate it.

I know you normally
don't do love notes

and things like that, but

I like it a lot, good stuff.

Sniff alone.

Asking for a friend,

what do you do if your man

finds a used condom
in the fridge?

Mm, are there small children
inside of this condom?


Mm, you messed
up on third base.

Go back to 101.

Anybody know the second
rule of cheating?

Mr. Ashtray?

Always have an escape route.

Is this always possible?

Oh, if you're smart.

Those who cheat successfully

are always 10 steps ahead
of their significant others,

according to chapter
two, page 247,

should always meet
somewhere you know

like you know the
back of your hand,

where the exits are, if
the windows are open,

if there's locks on
the basement door.

Sometimes not getting caught
is a matter of preparation

meeting opportunity, page 263.

Professor Keating, may I
have a word with you, please?

- Now.
- Of course.

Of course, just a minute.

Class, you just feel free
to go over your notes.

Be prepared for a
discussion when I return.

All right, study,
study diligent.





and you all look
so familiar, hm.

What are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

Yes, what are you doing here?

Didn't you wonder
if I was okay?

I mean, the last
time you saw me,

I was lying unconscious
on your dining room floor.

Didn't you wonder
what happened to me?


Can you bring it down,

can you bring it down
just a little bit?


I really, really,
really hope for your sake,

that you didn't think you
can just have sex with me

and then dump me off on the
side of the road, literally!

- No, no, no, wait...
- Literally,

dumped me off on the
side of the road!

Don't, you're doing
too much, please stop.

Okay, I just need
you to calm down...

No, no, don't you dare
tell me to calm down.

I will not calm down.

Who the hell are you to
tell me to calm down?

Listen, listen,
look, look, look,

can we talk about
this someplace else

other than outside
of my classroom?

Yes, please, yes?


- Very well.
- Thank you.


Our same spot.


Bout an hour I'm gonna
wrap this class up and just...

Professor Keating,

you have 45 minutes.

45 minutes, mmhmm.

Okay, 45, you're
so aggressive.

Just calm, go have a
drink on me, go ahead.

♫ If dogs would ever drown

♫ It would mean that
thing to y'all

♫ I guess that's why we fall

♫ In a knot of loss, see
I, selfish as it seems

♫ Want you here with me

♫ Without you I can't feel

♫ And without you I will

Hey girl.

- All right.
- I'm good.

What can we do for you?

I'll have what she's having.

All right.

♫ Selfish as it seems, I
want you here with me

♫ Without you I can't feel

♫ And without you
I will be nothing

♫ I can't breathe

♫ I can't breathe

♫ Baby I don't let you

♫ Tie my heart up

♫ Just so many

That's it, I'm done.

That's it, I'm done.

No more being nice.

I'm tired of it all.

I'm so tired of it all.

I'm tired of getting
fucked and left for dead.

You wanna play games, fucker?

Very well then.

You think that slut of a
wife is prettier than me?

Let's see if she's prettier
after I bash her fucking face in

and place six feet of dirt
on her worthless body.

You fucking loser!

It's okay, it's okay, he
doesn't know any better.

Calm down, Fabrae, it's
okay, Fabrae, it's okay.

It's okay, calm down,
Fabrae, calm down, calm down,

calm down, I'm gonna kill
him, I'm gonna kill him

I'm gonna kill

I'm gonna kill him!

You wanna play, you wanna play?

Let's fuckin' play!

All right.

All I ask you to do is
to be honest with me.

Are you married?

Fucking simple question,
are you married?

All right big boy, let's play.

All right ladies
and gentlemen,

let's sign some contracts.

Is this real, is this

Sign the contract.

God, this is a lot of money.

We, at VBS, we realize
you're a major asset

to any television station.

We wanna be in the
business of cheating,

but not only that, we
wanna be in the business

of cheating with
Professor Keating.

- So...
- Sign the contract.

Sign the contract.

Pass me the pen...

All right.

Great deal.

All right, all right.

Now we celebrate.

- Celebrate.
- Oh yeah.

On, on you, all right.

You don't
have to walk me home.

Yes I do, you're
drunk, you're drunk.

No I'm not.

I'm gonna walk you.

I am an independent woman.

You can barely say
independent, independent.


Don't you dare.

Don't you, don't, no,
no, no you better not.

No, you better swallow
it, swallow it,

swallow it, you know y'all
like to swallow it up.

Say, hm, swallow, swallow it.

There you go, there you
go, that's all you, all...

Don't just be...

I got it, I got
it, I swallowed it.

I'm sorry, it's all good.

Last time I threw up in
public was in college.

College, you don't
put an H in college.

You're breath stinks,
little freaky breath.

All right.


I have to go home alone.

My husband, Chandler,

he's with a girl
that's like a younger,

prettier version of
me and her boobs,

they're like up here
and they're huge.

They're so big.

And then her ass is
this big juicy ass

and it's like it's so big,

it can't be real,
it can't be real.

Like, it's like she's
like an S shape.

Her back, her back has to hurt.

Her back hurts man, it has to.

I have to talk to
her chiropractor.



Take me.

Take you where?


Take me to bed.

Take me, sex me, show,

show me what makes
you so legendary.

See, I'm angry, I'm bitter.

My mini hasn't been
taken care of in so long.

I'm not gonna kiss you

and I'm not gonna
have sex with you.

Let it happen.


Oh my God!

I can't even get the easiest
guy to have sex with me.

I'm gonna sit here

and I'm going to wallow
in my attractiveness.

Unless you wanna
go inside with me.

Okay, I'm leaving.

No, no.

Okay, I'll see you Monday?

Meow Mix, mommy's home

Meow Mix.

Open the door for me,
open the door for me.

Shut up.

Shut the fuck...

Hey, hey!

What the?

Fuck wrong with you?

Get off!

Yeah, something's...

You picked the wrong
house to get into.

I have a gun.


All my life I've been
struggling with the notion

that I might just be crazy.

Men are always saying it to me

and every time they
say it, I feel it

and it hurts me, Alex,
it hurts me to my core.

Why can't I have a thought?

Why can't I question
your bad behavior

without being called crazy?

Well guess what, Alex?

I realized something
thanks to you.

I am crazy and not
just a little crazy,

I'm a fucking psychopath.

You see, my father,

that bastard left me
without saying goodby.

I begged him not to
leave and he left anyway.

At the age of five,
he beat me mercilessly

until he couldn't
stand the sight of me.

to my first boyfriend

who raped me, my second
boyfriend who raped me,

my third boyfriend
I gave my heart,

my soul, my being,
everything to, who raped me!

To you, I say, congratulations,

you all have awakened
the beast in me.

You will feel my wrath.

Alex, you will feel my wrath.

Okay, I'm here, what?

Where's Mrs. Keating?

At home, I guess, why?

We think your girlfriend's
trying to kill us.

What girlfriend?

Fabrae, you saw a
couple nights ago.

She came into the classroom

and she pointed at Bonnie
and Frank and myself

and Ashton and she
said she remembered us

and now Makaela's missing
and Frank and Wes are dead!

Yeah and she did this to me.

You remember this?

This is not makeup.

I have to carry a taser now.

What, why would Fabrae
kill Frank and Wes

and then attack you?

Look, the night you were with

Fabrae, Fabrae.

We were there.

What do you mean
you were there?

We came over and we just
wanted to hang out with you.

Frank and I think that
you have been working

really hard lately and
you needed to cut loose...

The door was open, we walked
in and saw you with Fabrae.

When Mrs. Keating came
home unexpectedly, we hid.

And when the coast was clear,

we grabbed Fabrae,
threw her in the car

and I am truly
embarrassed to say this,

considering that, you
know, Frank is dead,

but he said to throw her
ass on the side of the road.

Look, we didn't want
you to get caught.

We were trying
to save you, okay?

So you kidnapped Fabrae,
she woke up

on the side of the road not
knowing how she got there

and no wonder she's upset...

I told them we needed
to call the police.

Tell 'em what, that
we kidnapped a woman

and now she's out for revenge?

So everybody who was in the
house that night is in danger?

Including my wife?

Especially your wife.

Hey, Olivia babe, it's me.

When you get this message,

I need you to call me
back as soon as you can.

Lock the doors, don't
let anybody in the house.

Quinn, goodness, come on.

I'm tired.

Let's go, come on.

- Come on.
- Wait, wait, tired.

Okay, here we go.


tie your shoes.

Oh shit.

Yo, get out of the
street, a car coming.

All right, hold on.


What happened to my wife?

We were just out night jogging

and this car was
just following us

and basically just
tried to take out Liv.

Like the shit was crazy,

it was like a scene
from that scary movie,

um, the car, "Christine",
do you remember it?

Yeah, it was scary.

I thought Liv was a goner,
like she ran to a dead end

and I thought the car
was gonna get her,

but it literally just
pulled up on her and stopped

and then it just drove a
way like it was nothing.

It was the craziest
shit I've ever seen.

Whoever was driving the car,

they were deliberately
trying to take out Liv.

Would you know
anything about that?

I think I might.

Yeah, oh yeah smell that,
smell that, smell that.

Smell that.

Breakfast in bed?

You must have really been
afraid for me last night.

Yeah, no, I was, I was.

Thank you, babe.

Yeah, you want me to feed you?

You want me to feed you?

No, I got it.

Oh, okay, well look,

I canceled all your
appointments for the day

so just feel free to rest up.


All right.

Well I'm gonna go
take out the trash

and I'm gonna be right back
up to check on you, okay?


Cute self.



Love you.

Love you more.

Get out of my car,
get out of my car.

Get out.

Good morning, sunshine.

Don't, don't,
don't get, know what?

I'm calling the police,
I'm calling the police.


- I'm calling the police.
- Go right ahead.

Right now, right now, this
is about to be over right now.

You know, they're just
gonna ask me to leave

and then you have to explain
to me

Well actually, you and her car.

Are you all, whatever.

Either or.

So do you wanna get into the car

and have a conversation with me?

I think so, come on.

Come on.

I like your onesie.

Have a seat.

Okay, what, what do you want?

Oh, you are so handsome.

No, no, no, okay,
stop, stop, stop.

It's early in the
morning, I'm hot.

I'm in a onesie.
Give me a kiss.

I don't wanna give
you a kiss that much.



Oh shit.


Where did he go?


Gotta be around here somewhere.

Where he went to?

Doesn't make any sense.

Don't call me today.

This is Olivia.

I like you, Olivia,
I really, really do,

but this little farce
of a relationship

you have with my
husband ends today.

556 Mulhouse Lane.

Alex, oh, sweetheart, you
have to be more careful.

Fabrae, what are you doing?

- What...
- Oh, let me help you up.

Come on, ready?

On the count of three,
one, two, three.


I watched you, Alex.

I watched you and that
slut that you call a wife.

I watch you guys laughing and
smiling and eating and loving.

Oh, I watch you pretend
that you're in love with her

just tormenting yourself.

You don't love her.

You love me.

That's not true.

- That's...
- I understand

why you lied to me
because you love me.

I get it.

But I don't.

Where's my wedding ring?

Where's my ring?

Look, they're right here.

That's not mine.

That's not my...

Marriage is the ultimate
proof that someone loves you

and these rings,
they symbolize that.

You're crazy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I know, Fabrae,

you're the crazy
one, but nonetheless,

you're married to me now.

I do.

You do, we all do.

But I don't, I
don't, actually...


There are no words or obstacles

that can keep you and me apart.

I love you.

Don't you worry.

I've taken care of everything
and almost everyone.

What do you mean everyone?

I didn't say everyone,
I said almost everyone.

Right on time.

You stay right here,
don't you move a muscle.


Welcome, you
dirty little bitch.

Excuse me?

I don't know what
he sees in you.

You're not pure,
you're not honest.

Okay crazy lady,
where's my husband?

Crazy lady.

You lied to his face
and sleep with every man

that comes across your path

and you stand in our
home and call me crazy.

Bitch, you need a cleansing.

Wait a minute, who lives here?

This is our home.

Alex and I, we live
as man and wife.

So you, okay.

Um, where's the
man of the house?

Where he should be, in my bed.

Bitch he better not be there.

Come here, bitch.

Come here, come.

Woo, come on, get up.

Come on.

Come on, I'm not done with you.

We're not done.

You want your husband?

Come and get him.



Olivia, wake up,
wake up, Olivia.

Wake up, baby, wake up, wake up.

You know I'm
doing this for you.

Because you will never be happy
as long as this little slut!

Is walking the streets.

I love you, baby.

Let's go, missy,
come on, let's go.

Olivia, no, no...

This is for you.

No, no.


settle down.

I love you, baby.

Time for your bath.

Get off my wife.

Get off my wife.

My, my, my ring.