How to Fake a War (2019) - full transcript

Come on.

- Simon.
- Hello?

Did you put the poster of Harry
and the penguin in my office?

- Yeah. Shall I...
- Get it out! Thank you.

That campaign was
a complete disaster,

and I don't need reminding
that his image needs

a complete overhaul.

Uh, okay.

And can someone please
explain to Harry

if he wants to
be a humanitarian,

he has to save humans,
not penguins.



I'll contact...

WNN brings you this
report on the orphan refugee crisis.

Live from the
Ukbar-Georgia border.

We go to Mark Phillips.

Where is this world's
conscience?

Matt, Kate. Kate.

Stop talking.
I've... I've had an idea.

Top secret, but I've, uh,
found a campaign to put Harry onto.

There's a war in, um,

Georgia and Ukbar,

wherever the hell that is,
that literally no one gives a shit about.

It's got everything.
Refugees, landmines, orphans, white people.

So, I wanna
put on a concert.

The biggest peace concert the world
has ever seen, bigger than Live 8,



and we'll have Katy Perry,
Ed Sheeran,

Beyonce,
and Harry topping the bill.

This is gonna take him
to the next level.

What do you say?

Do you wanna join me
in changing the world?

This is Matt
from Dim Sum Now.

Sorry, wrong number.
Yeah, um, Matt from, yeah,

can I have the pork dumplings

and, um, some spring rolls?

Thanks so much.
Thank you.

Okay, what time
are we now?

- Five, four, three...
- Hope! Hope!

...two, one.

Cue hype woman.

Harry!

- Hope!
- Harry!

Ladies and gentlemen,
are you ready for some hope in your life?

That's it, volunteers.

The man,
the myth, the legend,

Harry Hope!

Beautiful people of London.

In four days' time,

the world will come together

for the biggest peace gig
known to mankind.

Whoo!

The power of music
will stop this war.

The unifying power of music
will stop this war!

Pump your fist.

I call upon the leaders...

I call upon the leaders
of the world to tune in

and listen to what four
billion people have to say!

Yes!

Stop the war!
Stop the war!

Let the volunteers
rush the stage.

No, no, no, let 'em in,
let 'em in.

Come on... Let them, it's fine.
Come on, let them through.

Come on, you, come, come.

- You see, guys, it's...
- Okay.

It's not about me, it's...

it's about...
it's about these guys.

You know, I'm...

- I'm pretty much like the, uh...
- Cut the ginger.

Out my way.
Okay, shh, I'm coming.

I'm... I'm just the...

You know how a duck flies
and the head of it,

- it migrates?
- Yeah?

- You ever played Duck Hunt before?
- Yeah!

Kate, hijab hipster
on your right.

Got it, got it.

I'm not the dog,
I'm the duck.

He's not the dog,
he's the duck!

Three, two, one,
off you go.

Fuck off.

Ginger eliminated.

- Go ahead.
- Okay, sing a song.

♪ Hope is dope ♪

♪ Hope is dope ♪

♪ You can cope ♪

♪ Hope is dope ♪

♪ I'm saying hope
is dope Motherfucker, yeah ♪

♪ I'm saying hope is dope
Motherfucker, yeah ♪

♪ I'm saying hope is dope
Motherfucker, yeah ♪

♪ I'm saying hope is dope
Motherfucker, yeah ♪

Peace...

Um... Simon,
my sister has arrived from...

Throop in Dorset.

Can you keep her occupied? I don't want
to see her until after the concert.

I could put her
on the phones.

Peace.

No.

- Envelope stuffing?
- No.

Coffee.

Cold drinks. Maybe she can
hold cold drinks.

Because we want
to end this war!

Harry, Harry!
It's a ceasefire!

The war is over.

We now go live to Ukbar,

where the governor is making
the shock announcement.

The ceasefire
between our two nations

will come into effect.

Make this go away.
Just... just make it go away.

Make peace go away?

Yes. You make
other things go away.

Why can't you
make this go away?

This isn't a story, Harry,
it's, um,

two sovereign nations
with armies.

This is my chance
at a Nobel Peace Prize!

Both sides declared
the ceasefire, Harry.

I've got Grammys, BRITs,
Tonys, Oscars!

I... I wanna be
a world leader!

A global humanitarian!

Mandela, Gandhi!

I can't do that without stopping a
war, Kate. This is my time!

What are they talking about?

I've no idea.

Hi! I'm Peggy.
I'm Kate's sister.

And her new PA.

I'm Kate's PA.

Oh.

What are you looking at?

Um, shall we get a coffee?

Yeah, let's get a coffee.

I've got four billion people
waiting for peace, Kate.

Four billion people
waiting for peace!

Why can't he wait
until Saturday?

Damn, after Saturday he can
have all the peace he wants.

That's it.

We don't need to
call off the ceasefire,

we just need a few more
days of skirmishes.

Just skirmishes
on the border.

I'm... I'm not following.

We just need three more days of
fake news coming out of Georgia,

to make it look like
the war's still on.

Then you do the concert
on Saturday,

then we can have peace.

- Thanks to me.
- All thanks to you.

Great! Good.

You better get out there
and get on it.

- Sorry?
- Georgia!

I need you to go out there
and start up some skirmishes,

with CNN, BBC,
all the major news outlets,

whoever the hell
you need to get.

You're always saying that one
image can change the world.

And so...

I want those screens
filled with despair.

Yeah.

Yeah, you can't have
hope without despair.

Mmm. I'm testing that theory
right now.

Rape! Planes!

Images of death!

Dead kittens!

The puppies
that can't get adopted.

Okay? Whatever the hell
you need to do,

just make it happen.

Okay.

Oh, and if you don't,
you're fired.

Why Japan?

'Cause they meditate
with the cows.

Matt, hand all press liaison
over to Marie.

Simon, hand all artist liaison
over to Ravier.

Rape, planes, images of murder,
all the good stuff.

For the next three days, we push
the line that this war is still on.

Well, who's handling this
for us?

We are.

Yeah,
we run red carpets and press junkets.

What do we know about war?

Enough to fake one.

Hello.

Can I help
with anything?

Can I help?

Can I help with anything?

Of course,
you're her new PA.

Book us all flights.
All of us to Tbilisi.

Hello?

Taxi!

Move back, move back.

Uh, it's this way.
This way.

This is it, this is the gate.

Come on!

Guys, come on!

Those two, uh, him and him.

And that's yours.

This place is really big.
Have a nice flight.

Thank you.

He needs to go with this line for
the news at 10:00. The ceasefire is...

- Excuse me.
- The ceasefire is...

Miss, excuse me.

Turn off your phone,
please. Now.

I'll call you
when I land.

I've never been
on a plane before.

What are you doing?

Trying to make
this seat go back.

What are you doing
on the plane?

Simon...

Peggy's on the plane.

Free peanuts.

Why are you on the plane?

You said to
book us all flights.

I said book us all flights.

You went like that.
I thought I was in the circle.

Sit down.
We are taking off.

No, it was a clerical error.
We don't want her with us.

Sit down, please.

- I've done it!
- Can we stop it?

Mister, please!

Oh, it's a disaster.

Ooh, a shelf.

Oh, you've got one too.

Why are we going to Georgia?

I am going to Georgia to
shoot some documentary footage

for the concert.

You are going to go straight
back home as soon as we land.

Well, if there's
anything you need...

I need silence.

This is crazy.

Look, Kate knows exactly
what she's doing.

We're going to a warzone
and I'm wearing slip-ons.

Reports from the CIA
suggest Ukbar

may have already
broken the ceasefire.

Where's the evidence?

Just a series of websites
that have no credibility.

We haven't seen any new
images of war from the region.

Ladies and
gentlemen, welcome to Tugdidi Airport.

Excuse me.

Did he say Tugdidi Airport?

We were
diverted because of the crisis.

Where's Tugdidi?

The CIA has quoted
our BuzzFeed story.

Yes. They've already
fed it to Fox News.

Our driver's in Tbilisi.

How are we meant
to get to Kazbegi now?

We're meant to be
on the frontline.

Well, Uber.

MyTaxi.

Urgh. Unbelievable.

All the flights are grounded.
I'm gonna have to stick with you guys.

I can book her into a hotel

until they start
flying out again.

You can stay here,
can't you?

Yeah? Be okay?

Yeah?

No, she'll have to
come with us.

- No, I can book her...
- She's coming with me,

where I can keep
an eye on her.

Don't tell Mum, okay?

Ooh, it's just so exciting!

Will one of you sort
some bloody transport now?

Harry, hi.

Where the hell are you?

Well, um, I don't know,
'cause we got diverted.

We need images, Kate.
Footage of the war.

Stop pissing around.

You have 96 hours
to fix this.

I only landed
half an hour ago, so...

If I don't get that
Nobel Peace Prize,

I will hold you
personally responsible.

Get it done!

Now I have to go.

I'm playing poker
with the Dalai Lama

and he cheats like a...

Well?

Auntie Kate?

Don't tell me you're
taking a bloody selfie.

- Auntie Kate?
- What?

Uh, this man here says he'll
take us to Kazbegi for 300 lari.

Is that a lot?
It sounds like a lot.

Uh, hello.
Hello, hi.

Hi. Uh, we need to go here.

To the frontline, yeah?

Um, I'll pay you.
Me pay you.

No, okay, well,
tell him I'll pay him.

I'll pay him 2,000 lari.

2,000 laris.

Yes?

Okay, yes,
he says yes, yes.

When we get
where we're going, Peggy,

I want you to stay in the car.

I'm gonna stay
in the car too.

I think I might too.

- No, you're coming.
- I don't want to.

I think this is crazy.
There, I said it.

You'll do it because
it's your job.

I didn't sign up for going
into a warzone, okay?

We didn't even go to T in the
Park because it's too dangerous.

And now we're going
to a frontline?

Don't push me on this, Matt!

Kate Hemmings,
I'm Manu, the fixer.

Manu. Simon Boggan.

We were diverted to Tugdidi.
Nightmare.

Okay, what we need is, um,

is footage of soldiers,

if we can get some tanks
or artillery moving,

doesn't matter which way,
we can edit round that.

But what we need
is kinetic images,

uh, fog of war and all that.

Distressed locals.

The Ukbars, they pulled out
since ceasefire.

Oh, okay.

What about the Georgian army?

Well, they pulled back too.

You know, the part
of peace negotiation.

Distressed locals?

This is meant to be the...
the frontline.

You said yesterday
this was the frontline.

Well, it was. But then
they called the ceasefire.

Oh, this is a bloody disaster.

Take us to the hotel.

There's not many
places to stay around here,

so you have to stay
in my cousin's rooms.

This is the best hotel
in Kazbegi.

All rooms are booked,
but I pulled some strings.

We are booked up,
but we have this.

Okay.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

And this one is for ladies.

Drink?

You're blowing bubbles.

Yeah, I like bubbles.

You're cute.

After today's
reports of border skirmishes

on the Georgian-Ukbar border,

we now hear live
from the governor.

Yes!

Lies, lies, lies.

The Internet is
flooded with CIA lies.

The CIA will not stop me

from securing peace
in our region.

What the fuck
is going on?

Boris is up
for a Nobel Prize?

That's the exact opposite
of what I asked you to do!

Well, we're working on it.

I'm about to have
a seaweed wrap

with fucking Hilary Clinton!
Naked!

Is that her?

She's gone for nachos.

That's how committed
I am to this concert,

and you're just
screwing about?

Okay, well look,

this situation is more
complicated than we first thought.

I don't give
a fuck about that!

I'm your universe, Kate!

Obey my physics!

What? I didn't understand that.

Spin whatever you need
to spin, all right?

Just, just undermine
this ceasefire and stop Boris!

- Okay.
- 78 hours, Kate.

78 hours!

Oh, God.

Nachos.

Oh, my God, yum.

Bye.

There are no budget caps.

We just need to think big.

Big like Kanye big.

Oh, sorry, sorry,
excuse me, excuse me,

I really need to pee!

- Ugh, it's Harry, again.
- Ugh!

It's a bit awkward
with everyone in here.

- What shall I say?
- Cut the call.

We've never
cut the call from Harry.

Cut the call.

Oh, guys, I really don't
think I can go while you're in here.

Mind if I sing?

Just to distract myself?

I really need to go.

We just need an iconic video
clip, no more than 30 seconds,

that says war,
conflict, genocide.

I have an idea.

It's working!

More smoke here.

Cry, cry, like,
cry.

Cry, cry.

More smoke, more smoke.

Where's the dead kids?

Where are the dead kids?

And cut!

That was good.

Very good, very good.

That was brilliant,
well done.

Very good.

Okay, great.

Um, what are we doing again?

Backdrop visuals.

Backdrop visuals? Cool.

Okay, Manu?

- Yes, I'm here.
- Ah.

We're gonna go again. We're gonna
go for the explosion now, okay?

Okay.

Okay, action,
and cue explosion!

Cue explosion!

That was pathetic.

Um, yeah.

Um, Kate...

- can I ask you a question?
- Is it annoying?

Okay, an observation.

Are we sure that
when we're at Harry's concert

and he's singing,
that we want everyone

to see an elderly lady
being blown to bits?

Simon,
Peggy's asking questions.

Manu.

Get off me.

Look, maybe you should
wait in the car.

I'm not going to the car!

Look, Kate doesn't want you
here, no one wants you here.

Hey, hey, she can help me
if she likes.

Well, she'll screw it up.

Come on,
she'll be fine.

Really big,
you know, woo.

I mean, it's gotta be
scary stuff.

Right.

- Come on, this is gonna be the one.
- This is it.

- All right.
- Sorry. Aah...

- Good thinking, Peggy, good thinking.
- Oh, nice.

You can never have
enough dynamite.

Thank you.
You can just put it behind.

Okay, great.

Okay, this is
gonna be great.

It is gonna be fantastic.

- Ready?
- Ready.

You know what Kate says
about you, don't you?

- What does she say?
- Fuck all.

Ugh, these are
too small for me.

Right, that's it.

You do the clapperboard.

Take one. Great.

Okay, so,
one, two, three,

cue explosion!

So good!

Certainly know
how to pack a punch.

Well done!

Oh, wow.

Oh, wow.

That was great.

- Great.
- So, uh, good news.

Uh, Manu's cousin,

he's just agreed to drive
Peggy across the border,

to Azerbaijan, where she can
get a flight home via Turkey.

Great news, right?

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thanks, Simon, thanks.

Yeah, great.

Think we got
some great footage.

Very exciting.
Very exciting.

It's quite good,
'cause what you see is

sort of, that look of fear in her
eyes just before she explodes.

Mmm.

I was wondering whether
we should make that, like,

more of a tear in her eye
just before...

- Can you do that?
- Yeah, you can do that, yeah.

- Hmm.
- Mmm.

Can you put a bit more
blood around the temples,

or would that be too much,
do you think?

No, no, I think
the more blood the better.

'Cause, like,
the end of the day,

you want people to puke,
if, if you can get them to.

Ow!

Simon booked me
a flight, home.

Can you make that child's legs
a bit shorter then?

Well, like, then
they look littler

and they look
more vulnerable,

- so when they get blown up, it looks better.
- Of course, yeah.

So I guess this is bye.

Oh, yeah!

700 hits and that's, what?

How has that
happened already?

Well, it's because
the content is disgusting.

Yeah, right there!

Look at the comments.

The United Nations has failed
to secure the region.

Now, Harry Hope could be
the only chance of peace.

Simon...

This is the weirdest
music video ever.

What are you talking about?

The video we're shooting.

The music video.

Has no one told you yet?

We're not making a music video.

We're making fake news.

We're making it look like
the war's still going on,

so there's a reason
to have the peace concert.

Everything Harry does is fake.

How do you not know that?

Sorry, what?

Are you serious?

He's not even American.

He's from Barking.

Georgian wine is amazing.

I need to talk to you.

Okay.

I know.

Why couldn't you tell me?

Were you ever gonna tell me?

Well, um,
it involves other people.

- When were you gonna tell me then?
- When the time was right.

Are you okay with it?

Yes, of course I'm okay with it.
I'm not a kid.

What I'm not okay with is
everyone else knowing

and not me,
and then I look like an idiot!

No, of course.

I'm shocked.

Disappointed.

How did you find out?

Matt.

Matt?

How does he know?

You can't keep it from him,
can you?

You're making fake news
for Harry,

he's the one
pointing the camera,

- of course he knows.
- Oh.

I thought I was being useful

but actually I was
being an idiot!

You're worse than Mum!

I could've actually
been helpful.

You never gave me the chance
and now I'm going home tomorrow.

If you wanna stay,
I can cancel the flights.

Really?

I can stay?

You're not messing?

Okay.

Well, if you have any more
secrets, now's your chance.

You have to see this.

Come on. Quick!

Following the distressing
images coming out of Georgia...

Yes!

Let's hear what the governor
of Ukbar has to say...

live on WNN.

I would like
to apologize to those

who lost loved ones
in today's tragedy.

This war's entirely
the fault of the Ukbar army.

No...

I take full responsibility

and I promise to pay
reparations to the families.

Please see this
not as an act of war

but a stumble towards peace.

Now I'll read the names
of the dead.

Oh, come on!

Laza Lazarask...

Joseph Manchava...

Wait, so he's apologizing
for the story we faked?

Something that literally
never happened?

Is this how it works?

Shit!

He's played the doves card.
How can we top the doves card?

Well, he's asking
for forgiveness

for something we invented,

so let's do
something unforgivable.

Oh, this... is great.

Oh...

Oh, this is great.

Simon, get them some drinks.

Quick, quick. Come on.

Freezing up here.

All right, hold it.

Okay, and blood.

Where the hell
did you get this from?

A farmer used to do it back in
Trefon to scare off the kids.

With actual people?

No!

Cats and dogs, you freak.

Yeah, great.

All right, I need more lights,
more lamps.

Okay, okay.

Okay, good. Great.

Great stuff.

Oh, thank you.

This is great.
Thank you.

You know, I'm pleased
you got on that plane.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I want you to teach me
how to do it.

I... I wanna come
and work with you

and I wanna learn everything.

Well, you need
to be ruthless

and keep your eye
on the prize at all times

even when everyone else
is losing their bottle.

Okay. Ruthless,

eyes on the prize.

Got it.

- Anything else?
- Gloves.

Gloves. Got it.

No, go and get me my gloves.

Oh.

Okay.

You know, I'm pleased
you got on that plane.

I wanna come
and work with you,

and I wanna learn everything.

Cheers.

Good news,
the tumor is gone.

Oh, oh, thank God!

Hi, hello!

Hi! I'm lost!

Do you know the way out?

Can you help me?

What was that?

Rifle shots.

It's just hunters.

Rolling.

- Can they make some noises?
- More noise, please!

More pain,
like you're crucified!

What was that?

I'm gonna go get some stills.

Oh, there you are!

Where have you been?

Getting your bloody gloves.

Why did it take so long?

Did you not hear
the gunshots?

If I can't trust you
to go to the car,

I can't trust you
to do anything.

Yes, I did hear them!

Can't you hear me trying to
bloody tell you something?

Don't speak to me like that!

I was frightened!

You weren't
as frightened as me!

I think I was!

How could you possibly be
more frightened than me

when I was the one
being shot at?

Because I'm your mum!

You're her mum?

- Matt!
- My mum.

Matt!

Fuck! Run!

Run! Run!

Run, run, run,
run, run, run! Run!

We're gonna die.

There's meant
to be a ceasefire,

they're not allowed
to be shooting!

You're the one telling everyone
the ceasefire's over!

This is all your fault!

Matt is dead!

They shot me in the arm.

Okay, well, we need to surrender.
We need to surrender.

You, you go out there and you,

you tell them that we're British

and that we're very important.

And they need
to look after us.

No! No, no, no, no. No.

No.

No.

Hello?

We are British women and we,
we'd love to surrender.

Oh!

That's my arm!

I'm getting you out of here!

I can't believe
you're my mum.

Oh, I'm so cold.

Freezing.

Clo... clo...

Clothes off, off, off, off.

Why?

- Hypo... thermia.
- Oh, it's freezing.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
Oh, I'm so...

She... warm.

She's... wa...

Warm.

Shh...

Shh...

Careful!

Careful. It's got horns.

There's no fucking way
I'm cuddling a cow.

Can't we just cut her open
like in... "Star Wars"?

Oh, God. Oh, no.

Ugh.

Ugh!

Is it true?

Your mum and dad
are your parents,

that's all you need to know.

What happened?

I'll never replace your mum.

I know that.

You... you'd be a terrible mum.

What happened then?

Who's my biological dad?

He was a seasonal worker...

on Hopkins Farm.

I was 15.

It was one night,

in a barn.

By the time I realized
I was pregnant, he was gone.

What happened then?

I had to tell my mum.

Which was awful.

The worst day of my life.

And so my mum,
sort of, took over.

She made up the story.

She put a cushion
under her clothes

and I was sent away
for a few months.

When you were born,

Mum came and that was it.

It must've been awful for you.

It was.

It was.

I've never done this with...

my other mum.

What should I call you now?

Bollocks.

Oh, thank you.

That's great, thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah, once these are dry,
we can set off.

- There are no streetlights.
- We need to get out of here.

It's pitch back out there.

We'll have to wait
until morning.

Okay, tomorrow
we can walk around

and we can find
somewhere with Internet,

we'll get hold of Manu

and he can get us the hell
out of Georgia.

Hmm.

Excuse me, um,

do you have
an iPhone 8 charger?

'Cause mine's run
out of battery.

No, of course not.
It's a silly question.

Just wondered.

Ugh.

Goal!

"I am deeply sorry

to have to tell you that
there's been an accident

and Matt has been shot

whilst taking stills

for our latest campaign."

What?

It's just...

- Go on, what?
- I dunno.

Well, I'm in the
middle of it, so...

Why not make it
sound like he was brave?

This is stressful enough
without notes.

I dunno. If it was me,
I'd like you to tell Mum

that I died
doing something brave.

- Don't say that.
- Well...

You said his parents
were proud, right?

Hmm.

So, why not give them
one last thing

to be proud of him for?

Here.

"On a film shoot

in a forest in Georgia,

Matt and his team
got caught in firefight.

He was the only one
not to panic.

One by one,

he made sure
all of us were safe,

but then he realized

the six-year-old refugee girl
was still in danger.

Despite all of us saying it
was too dangerous to go back,

begging him to stay.

Yes, despite us
begging him to stay,

Matt ran to rescue the child."

No.

"Children.

Once Matt was sure
they were safe,

he allowed his injuries
to take hold of him...

and he died.

His last words were..."

Tell Mum and Dad I love them

and I'm sorry.

No.

Tell Mum and Dad
and Peggy and Kate

I love them,

and thank you for everything.

Oh, that's a great story.

I know.

It's a shame
to waste it on the parents.

It's a great story.

Yeah. Yeah, Harry?

Yeah, where are you?

Okay, stay right where you are.

I'm coming to you, yeah?

Oh, we've got complete control
of the story.

Oh, yeah. Okay, bye.

The nation mourns the passing
of Matt Townsley.

WNN is at the family home,
to hear Harry Hope

pay tribute to this brave
young man now.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

May I present
Veronica Townsley

and rock legend Harry Hope.

Listen, he was...
he was so selfless. He was.

It was typical of the Matt
that I knew

that he died helping others.

That's why in 48 hours

we're putting on the world's
biggest concert for peace.

We need it now more than ever.

Don't do it for me,
do it for Matt.

Mathaniel.

He always smelled of rose

and he looks like
Terrence Howard, look at him.

He's got green eyes
that you can get lost in.

He's got Caucasian eyes
on a black body, that's rare.

Do it for him.

What's he saying?
What's he saying?

He says he can't get
a car to us,

they've closed the roads,

but if we follow the river
south to Bagero,

there's a UNICEF camp,

and he'll arrange transport
for us from there.

Okay.

Okay, we can set off
tomorrow morning

and get you back
to Throop in Dorset

and the farm,

and you can forget
about all this.

Great.

Mathaniel Townsley:

journalist, humanitarian, hero.

Mr. Governor,
why was Mathaniel shot

when he was trying
to save children?

What kind of journalist wears
a military uniform?

He's a spy.

Alleged war criminal
Matt Townsley

is accused of torture
and murder,

as shocking pictures
emerge on the Internet.

Mr. Hope,
Matt Townsley worked for you.

Why was he out there?

Harry, no. No. No.

Okay, that's top secret
and, um,

I'm not at liberty to divulge
that type of information.

Was he spying
on the Ukbar military?

- Yep!
- No.

All right,
don't forget, people,

best concert that
you ever gonna see,

in two days.

For peace, right?

Again, this spy
is concrete evidence

of British efforts
to undermine our state.

The ceasefire is over.

Ukbar is at war with Georgia.

Harry.

What the hell
have you done, Kate?

You started World War III!

What? No, I was just
on the toilet.

I said skirmishes!

You know what a skirmish is,
don't you? A skirmish?

Skirmish? Can you stop
saying "skirmish"?

That story that you
put out about Matt?

Now America is sending
troops into Georgia.

- What are you talking about?
- Ground troops!

Boots on the ground!
It's a full-scale invasion!

And the Europeans
are on the other side.

That's Americans and British,

husbands and sons,
all fighting!

Nobody wants a peace
concert anymore!

Everybody wants to win!

Kate!

I'll never win
a Nobel Prize now!

- Come quick!
- Kate! Where you going?

You have fucked up my life,

and now I'm gonna fuck yours!

Limo driver, pull over
and give me some head.

No! No, no, no.

No, no, no!

No, no!

No, no, no! No!

No, I can't start a war!

No.

This is great though,
this is exactly what we wanted!

Hello! Hi! No, no, no.

Hi. Hello.

There's been a bit of a mix-up.

There's actually no war
going on.

So you're not needed.
Do you mind turning around?

Turn around now.

Do you speak English?

He doesn't even speak English.

Ah, thank you.

Hello. Finally,
someone in charge.

Well, there's been, um,
a bit of a mix-up basically,

and just a clerical error!

It's okay, come on.

Over here.

Come on.

I only sent an email.

- We sent an email.
- This is ridiculous.

This should not be allowed to happen.

Someone should be checking
this kind of stuff.

It's ridiculous
this can happen.

Wow.

Oh, now what?

Oh... what do they want?

Oh.

- I think they think you're some kind of leader.
- Oh, my gosh.

Um...

So... Sorry, what?

He says you've made him
feel very happy,

and he will fight for you.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

No, there's no war,

so go back to farming

or whatever it is you do.

No, he says you're the
chosen leader of the Georgian resistance.

Well, I... I'm...

I'm not the leader
of the resistance,

I just handle publicity
and events.

Um...

But... see you later.

- Help me get down.
- Yeah.

- See you in a bit.
- Thank you.

Thank you so much.

- Thank you!
- Right.

Run, run, run. Run.

Thank you so much.

Ah, I hope Manu is
true to his word,

because if we get to Bagero and he's not there...

...I don't know how we're
gonna get out of here.

Oh, Kate.

- Kate.
- Huh?

Oh, for God's sake!

- Shoo!
- Er, Kate. Kate.

- Shoo!
- Kate!

Shoo! Shoo!

Kate... they could be...

I dunno, they could be
kind of useful.

You know, we might be able
to use them.

They'll know the way to Bagero.

- Bagero!
- Bagero?

Fast, take us there.

Yes.

Great.

We're watching this very
dangerous situation unfold

as US and European troops
prepare for all-out war.

- Harry.
- Where the hell are you?

Listen, I know you sacked me

and told me to go and die
in a fire,

but listen, I have an idea
that might interest you.

I know where Kate is.

You were
told not to start World War III!

- It's Harry Hope, sir.
- Who do you think I am?

The pop star?

- Mr. Hope.
- Hi, Boris.

I have some information about a
propaganda campaign against you.

Now, I don't know who
they're working for, but, uh,

I do have their names
and last location.

Why are you telling me this?

If you can stop them,

perhaps we can both have
the peace that we want.

I give her to you and in return,
we declare peace together.

- Go on.
- Her name is Kate Hemming.

She's outside a town called
Telavi in Georgia.

I think a few years of POW
would do her good.

Thank you, Mr. Hope.

I loved your last album.

But not the new one.

Get me the Georgians
on the phone.

I've suddenly got
a massive wave of deja vu.

- This place seems really familiar.
- Hmm?

Oh, gosh, I'm exhausted.

I could murder
a cup of tea.

- Oh...
- Oh, God, we're in a warzone.

What are you doing? Um...

Wh... Um...

Hello.

Um, can we get past, please?

We're trying
to head to Bagero.

I think they think
we're trying to attack them.

Stop, stop, stop!
Stop talking, everyone.

Stop.

Hi.

Do you speak English?

No?

Hi. I'm, um...

I'm the leader, uh,
of the Georgian resistance.

So... queen, if you will.

These people are my men,
and they will do as I say.

No! Please, I'm doing my leader thing!

We really need to get to Bagero,

so if we put down our
weapons and declare peace,

would you kindly
let us pass, please?

It's really quite urgent.

I'm the leader
and I declare peace.

- Peace.
- Peace.

No! I declare peace.

Put down your fucking guns.

Put your guns down
and your hands up.

Gun... Put your bloody...
Put it on the fucking floor.

Great. Hands up!

Hands up!

Guns down, hands up!

See? It's a ceasefire.
They're gonna let us past. It's fine.

Great.

There, it's a ceasefire.

How difficult was that?

I think we confused peace
with surrender, you know?

Can you not tell your mum
about this?

She doesn't even know
that I'm here.

You said she agreed to let
you come to the concert.

Yeah, I lied.

- Dear God.
- Yeah, I was ruthless.

Anyway, you're my mum
and you said it was okay.

What are they doing?

Bite my blindfold.

That's it.

Let me see.
Let me see.

Oh, come on.

- Oh, what?
- They're playing football with the Georgians.

It... It's like that game the British
and the Germans played in World War I.

This is it. This is the
photo that can stop the war.

We need to get it online.

We can fake this,
we can fake a peace.

Why didn't they
ask us to play?

If we can fake a war,
we can fake a peace.

- Where's your camera?
- I don't have a camera.

- Get your camera.
- I don't have a camera!

He's got a phone.
Excuse me?

Can you cut our hands free?
Cut our hands free.

I... If you can take photos
and put them online, I'll pay you.

- Okay.
- I'll pay you millions.

Millions.
You'll be a millionaire.

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, this is it!

Get the photo. Fuck, this is
some kind of fucking torture.

Did you get it?

That's wonderful. Did you get it?
Show me, show me.

Yes, that's it. That's the
image that's gonna stop the war.

They'll demand peace.

So... so tweet it.
Hashtag "Ukbar soldiers

"heal world in... in... in..."

- Where are we?
- Kazbegi.

"Kazbegi." Er, hashtag "peace,"
hashtag "no war."

Send it.
Have you sent it?

Yeah? Yeah?

No reception.

No, no, no, no, the phone! No!

- Kate!
- The phone!

Kate!

- Over there!
- Out my way!

I'll pay you.
I'll pay you from England.

- Just give it to me. I'm quite well off.
- Keep it in her hand.

Oh, no!

Where's the phone?

Kate, come on, this way.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, here it goes, it's coming.

- You have to rub it really hard.
- Huh?

- Can you feel it?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's coming.

- Oh, I can feel mine.
- Ooh!

Ah! I've done it! Okay.

Come on. Okay.

Yeah, get the phone.

Okay.

Put the gun down!
Put it down now!

And fuck off!

Get in the car.
Sorry.

Okay.

Go, go, go, go, go, go.

Oh, God, it's in
bloody gobbledygook.

If I can just
upload this photo

and then send it
to The Guardian

and The New York Times,

and we'll get it published
in a few hours,

maybe before
the fighting starts.

I'm gonna fake this piece.

We can turn this around,
we can get the concert back on with this.

What the fuck?

- Was that... Was that a person? That was a person.
- Keep shooting.

- At what?
- At the soldier.

Do you think it killed him?

- We killed him.
- He's a soldier, it doesn't count.

This is war, okay?

Everyone knows it's okay
to kill soldiers in a war.

- That's what they're there for.
- Really?

We're not stopping
at anything, okay?

We're gonna fake that peace
and get that concert on.

Okay.

You know, I think
you can do this job.

I love this job.

I think you might
be better than me.

Watch out, watch out.

No. No, the phone.

- No, leave it, leave it! It's gone, it's gone!
- Get off.

- I can get it, I can get it.
- It's gone.

Why didn't you look
where you were going?

I was trying
to get us out safely.

That phone was gonna
stop the war.

That... That phone was
going to save the concert.

What have I got now?
What have I got?

- We can still try and...
- I've got nothing.

No, you've ruined my life!

Fuck.

Wait. Which way?

Which way did we...

Which way should we...

Oh, no, I... I can't.

I can't fucking
take this anymore!

Oh, fu...
Ow, ow, ow!

Ow, ow!

Ow!

Oh.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I said
you ruined my life.

- It's okay.
- No.

I didn't mean it.

It's just,
this has been my whole life.

I've...
I've sacrificed everything.

No, you haven't.

I have.
I've started World War III.

It's not that bad.

You know, I know it's hard
for you to understand,

because you've lived in the same
fucking village all your life,

but this is my life!

Without my job,
I have nothing.

You have me.

Come here.

I love you.

Don't move.

Kate, there's a gun
in my face.

Me, too.

Glad it's not just me, then.

The soldiers
have captured Kate Hemmings.

The handover
is in 12 hours.

Great!
I'm coming over for the photo op.

I'm gonna
nail this piece!

Hey, Boris,
I'm in Georgia.

See you soon.

Okay.

Thank you, thank you.

- This way, please.
- Er, where are we?

- This is Borgero.
- Ah.

- Oh, okay.
- The most heavily defended part of our border.

Over there, this is Ukbar.

Let's go.

What is going on?

Let's just do as they say.
Maybe we can get out of here, okay?

I wish
we could stop this war,

you know, not for Boris
or for Harry or for anyone,

just 'cause
it's the right thing to do.

And that's what got me so
excited about the peace concert.

Well, now you realize
what it's really all about,

just egos and money.

Why do we have to wait for them
to tell us what to do?

Well, because they've
chained us to a chair.

- No, I mean in life.
- Oh.

Why can't we
just stop the war for us?

We're the ones
doing all the work.

Why can't we just...

work for ourselves
for a change?

The generals
have confirmed your identity.

Oh, thank God.

We're gonna give you
to the Ukbars

in exchange for four paratroopers
they've taken prisoner.

- What?
- I know.

Great news.

Can... Can we talk about this?
We need to talk about this.

- Kate!
- Oh, Manu! Manu, you need to help us!

- I'll try to talk to someone.
- Please do something!

They're handing us over
to the Ukbars.

Don't be afraid, Kate!
Don't be afraid.

Just her.

You stay here.

They wouldn't give us
anything for you.

No, no, Kate.

- Go, stay with Manu. Stay with Manu.
- No. Kate!

We'll get you home, Peggy.

I'm not going
anywhere without Kate.

What's going on?

What's he doing here?

Oh, what the...
Hey, come on.

Harry,
I'm Kate Hemmings's daughter.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Kate Hemming ain't got
no daughter.

Yes, she does,
and it's me.

And she's just been taken prisoner by
the Georgian army to give to the Ukbars

in exchange
for some paratroopers,

so you need to do
something about it now!

Oh! You really
are her daughter, huh?

Look at you.
Like a splitting image of her.

You need to do
something about it.

She's going
to no-man's-land.

I'm not gonna help her.

I'm the one who sold her
at the border.

Oh! Argh!

- My fur is on the ground. I'm not a barn animal!
- Hostage exchange!

It's happening!

Y'all just gonna let Pippi
Longstocking kick me in the face

and you ain't gonna do
nothing about it?

Okay, fine.

When I get you Pepper Ann...
Pepper Ann!

Pepper Ann!

Kate. Kate!

Is that...

Is that Boris?

It is!

Kate Hemmings?

This is all my fault.

I'm so sorry.

I'm the one who's been
planting fake news.

Matt Townsley,
he worked for me.

He wasn't a spy.
He worked for me.

We both did publicity together.

I... I don't work for MI6
or the CIA,

I... I... I... I work for
my own PR company, Cube.

Um, you might've heard of it.

No? It's boutique size.

We just needed a few more days
of war stories to...

to not disrupt
our pathetic concert.

You worked for Harry Hope.

- Mm.
- You do all this for him.

Mm.

Okay.

You work for me now.

You make me famous
as Harry Hope.

Yes.

You work for me now.
You make me famous.

I want to be like Gandhi,

Mandela or the Kardashians.

All the West must know me.

Well, the only way to do that
is to stop a war.

This is what
I have been trying to do,

but you keep
screwing it up for me.

Mm. Let's try it now.

- What?
- We can stop the war, right now.

- How?
- With the right image, you can do anything.

One picture can stop the war.

So, what's the image?

Social networking think I'm the
leader of the Georgian resistance,

so... so you get your men
to train their guns on me.

I'm gonna kneel actually,
I'm gonna kneel.

Kate's brokering the ceasefire
with Boris and the Georgians

and she's gonna be the one
to stop the war.

What?

That's the image.

Yeah. Then you step
between me and the guns.

You help me up, we hold hands,
and raise them in the air, together.

Be the hero this war needs.

Put your guns on her.

That two-faced, conniving bitch!

Give me that!

- Hey, relax, man.
- Thanks, mate!

Hey!

Well, I guess
the jig is up, huh?

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Hey! Stop!

Harry, stop!

That's a minefield!

Wait for me, you fuck...

Wait for me!

Don't do anything without...

- Wait for me!
- Picture.

Don't smile too much.

Don't shoot anything without me!

Wait for me!

Wait for me!

Don't take another pic...

Was that...

Was that Harry Hope?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

He's dead.

Harry Hope is dead?

Son of a bitch
literally photobombed me.

Harry Hope
dedicated his life to securing peace.

Harry Hope dedicated
his life to securing peace.

No one person
did more to...

No one person...

...bring attention
to our region.

...did more to bring attention
to our region.

In Harry's memory,
I declare a ceasefire.

And in Harry's memory,
I declare

a ceasefire!

And promise lifelong peace

between our two countries!

Harry sacrificed his life

for peace.

It gives me

great honor to accept

on his behalf,

the Nobel Prize for Peace,

for Harry Hope, posthumously.

Tears.

Turn.

Tactile body language,
tactile body language.

Music.

♪ Somebody's crying, Lord ♪

Flag.

♪ Kumbaya ♪

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

♪ Somebody's crying ♪

Yeah!

♪ Kumbaya ♪

♪ Somebody's praying, Lord ♪

♪ Kumbaya... ♪

That's it. I'm done.
I quit this job.

- What? No, I'm just getting started.
- No, I mean it.

No, no, no, I wanna go back
to Throop in Dorset.

I wanna have chickens,
and... and weave...

Do stuff with my hands,
herb gardens, clay.

I'm not
going back to Throop.

I'm doing this forever.

What are you
talking about?

You saw what happened
to Harry.

I didn't see it, I did it.

Sorry, what?

Yeah, I sent him
over the landmine.

You did what?

They had a gun to your head.

I had to do something.

So I told him you were signing
the peace treaty, and he flipped.

And I knew
it wouldn't stop anything.

Oh, God, you set him up?

Initiative,
initiative, initiative.

What have I done to you?

Oh, relax.

The concert still went ahead, didn't it?

Peggy Hemmings.

Hi! Hi, yeah, thank you.

- It's the White House.
- What?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, thank you.

- Yeah, that's really flattering.
- Let me talk to them.

No, I'm not interested,
I'm not doing this stuff anymore.

They're offering us a job.

Oh, yeah, no, we're really proud
of that campaign, thank you.

Is it another campaign?

- Oh, no, we... Of course...
- What are they saying about the campaign?

...we'd love to be part
of the president's house.

We could go to Dorset
for a... a couple of weeks,

and then...
Or a week, a weekend,

and then we'd go
for a few hours,

and then we'll, er, get
the plane to Washington D.C.

We're going to Hawaii.

Have you been to Hawaii?

Get a nice tan.

The White House.

That's exciting.