How to Build a Better Boy (2014) - full transcript

Follows high school sophomores Mae Hartley and Gabby Harrison, two tech-savvy best friends who devise a plan to create the perfect boyfriend with just a few strokes of the keyboard and a wireless connection. What Gabby and Mae don't realize is that the computer they use is set up to generate a robotic super soldier, which they have inadvertently activated in the form of Albert, a macho yet sensitive super cute boy.

( sirens wailing )


Move! Move! Move!

Move it!

Right side
of the building.


Ladies and gentlemen,

we're on contain
and capture protocol!

Our fugitives are on site!

The President called.

He wants an update.
Is he upset?

You lost track
of a $3 billion weapon.

I'm sure he's thrilled.

Stay back, Doctor.

Let me reason with them,
General. I can get
them to talk.

We're past the time
for a friendly chat.

As far as I'm concerned,
the most dangerous criminals
in the world

are right down there!

Give yourselves up!

You've stolen property

of the United States

Come out peacefully

and tell us everything
we want to know,

or you will be locked up
and tried for treason!

And there is no way
you are going to homecoming!

But, Dad!

Not another word,
young lady.

I want you to get
into this bulletproof Humvee

this minute.
And I want you to think
about what you have done!

♪ Don't sweat
the little things, guys ♪

♪ Keep your eye on
the bigger things, guys ♪

♪ If you look
a little closer ♪

♪ You're gonna get
a better picture ♪

♪ You and I
would make too fun life ♪

♪ Rockets in the night ♪

♪ Keep your head up,
keep the down ♪

♪ Throw it all in,
make your own ground ♪

♪ And if you're gonna
make a mess, make it loud ♪

♪ And if you're gonna
take a stand, stand out ♪

♪ Life is our game,
we can go play ♪

♪ Shake a
don't be afraid ♪

♪ And if you're gonna
make a mess, make it loud ♪

♪ And if you're gonna
take a stand, stand out ♪

♪ Stand out,
oh, oh ♪

♪ Stand out,
oh, oh ♪

♪ Stand out,
oh, oh ♪

♪ Stand out ♪

( school bell ringing )

( indistinct chatter )

We're done.

In ten minutes?

Nine, actually.

I appreciate your confidence,

but you're sophomores
and this is senior calculus.

Why don't you and Mae
check your work?

still done.

Gabby and Gabby junior,
wrecking the curve.

As usual.


( laughing )

Mrs. Shapiro,
may we have hall passes?

Mae is tutoring,
and I'm heading up
a meeting about

healthier choices
on the cafeteria menu.

There's no time to waste
when there's so much
to improve around here.

They called us dorks.

No, no, no,
they said sporks.

It's the world's
most versatile utensil.

So, the tangent
of three pi over four is...

Well, it's in
quadrant two, so...

I'll never get it.

Hey, you play quarterback,

Close your eyes.

Come on,
just trust me.

So picture
the football field

as a circle
on the graph.

The tight end
is lined up at zero...

on the path of the circle.

Strong safety
is at pi over four...

the free safety is...

Uh, three pi over four.

And with X being negative...

the answer is negative one.


I got it!
Wow, that...
that is so cool.

I didn't know
you liked football.

I don't really...

but... you do.

What's your deal?
I mean, social-life wise?

Are you going
to homecoming?


Is that this weekend?

It's the biggest weekend
of the year.

You're going
to the dance, right?

I don't know.

Gabby and I like
to play it by ear.

Us and all of our friends,

our crew, our posse.

Well, you should go.

You never know
what you'll miss.

Can you believe it?

I know this is gonna
sound crazy.

I feel like Jaden likes me.

He needs you...

to do his problem sets.

Me and Jaden,
impossible, right?

But we had this moment today,

and it's like,
he was gonna ask me
to homecoming.

Mae, have you ever
heard the story

of a girl who met a boy

and changed the world?

No, because there isn't one.

Look, who cares
that people here don't like us

or if we don't get invited
to silly dances?

We have the brains.

We're an amazing team,

and someday, we're gonna
blow them all away.

But we need to focus.

Boys are a distraction.

You're right.

You're always right.
( bell ringing )

Nevaeh for homecoming
queen, obviously.

aeh for homecoming queen.

All fixed,
Principal Fragner.

It won't crash
when you load videos

and it should run
ten times faster now.

Well, thanks, Gabby.

Now I can catch up
on my online tango lessons.


( phone rings )


Oh, what's wrong?

Jaden texted.

I told you
to forget about him.

He texted me.

"Meet me after practise."
With an S.

"Have to ask letter U
an important question."

"C U Lader."
With a D.

Wow. Even auto-correct
can't help this kid.

Well, I mean,
it must be about the dance.

What else
would be important?


Jaden Stark is not gonna
ask you to homecoming.

"See you there."


You didn't.

I'm going.

To quote Julius Caesar,

"Cowards die
a thousand deaths."

You know Caesar
got stabbed, right?


Thanks, Nevaeh.

( blows whistle )
( grunting )

It's all about
one word, men!




Uh, this is
so ill-advised.

Okay, now when Jaden
comes over here,

act normal.

Don't say anything smart.


I don't think
I'm your problem.

Why is Nevaeh
coming over here?

She doesn't even know
who I am.

Bon jour, ladies.

What brings you here?

Jaden invited us.

Mae, you and Jaden

aren't even
on the same social radar.

See, here's
the social radar

and over here
is Siberia,

and over there,

That's you.

( laughter )

Why do people
even like you?

Well, I'm not
the one trying to

steal someone's
homecoming date.

Mae thinks
Jaden is asking her.

But Jaden and I
have been dating for like,

17 whole days.

And everyone knows it
except, apparently,

the school geniuses.

I never--
I never said that.

I know what you saids and dids,

And I know a crush
when I see one.

So back off.

Hey, what's going on?

Oh, silly girl talk.

Hey, Jaden, um,

you're asking me
to the dance, right?


( laughter )

I knew it.

But there have been
some nasty rumors

in the kingdom.

( laughter )

Mae, what I wanted
to ask you was...

can we go over
quadratic functions tomorrow?

You know me,
I'm clueless.

Yes, we can see that.

Sorry to burst your bubble.

Sad face emoji.

Au revoir.

Let's go, Mae.

Told you
this was a bad idea.

Hey, Nevaeh!

My bubble
is totally un-burst

because I already
have a boyfriend!

Mae, what are you doing?

See, my boyfriend,

so cute.

Total hot burger.

And his name is...


Yeah, that's right.

He's varsity in five sports,
genius IQ.

And he volunteers
with endangered animals.

Orphan endangered animals.

So when can we meet this...


Oh, well,
see, the thing is...

he lives in Alaska.

Right around the corner
in Alaska?

For a second there,

I thought
you were gonna pick some

super remote place
to cover up the fact

that he doesn't exist.

Come on, ladies.

What did you
just get us into?

( indistinct chatter )
( laughter )

Hey, Mae!
Can't wait to meet
your new boyfriend!

I don't know
why I did that.

Temporary insanity.

Ahoy, ladies.

Need a ride?

Uh, Mae,
your brother bought a cab.

you bought a cab?

No, it's a classic car.

You like it, Gabby?


My grandpa used to have a car
exactly like this...

when he drove a cab.

I got a great deal on it.

And you guys only get
the privilege to get a ride

because the seniors
got out early

because of homecoming.
( phone chimes )

Oh, Mae, congrats
on getting owned
by Nevaeh Barnes.

Yeah, it is all over
our school's website.

And even I have never done
anything that pathetic.

Really? How about
that time you cried

when your Wizardcraft
avatar died?

Do not disrespect
a fallen hero.

Kravtar saved thousands
with his magic.

Just drive us home, Bart.

Do we all ride
for the same price?


I wonder if it's too late
to be home-schooled.

A fake boyfriend?

How are we going to pull
that one off?

Well, I'm not gonna
create an online profile
for some pretend boy.

That's just
creepy and lame.

Guess I'll just have to
come clean.

And be taunted for all eternity
by Nevaeh and her minions.

Why is Jaden even with her?

I thought he was different.

That's what I've been
trying to tell you.

High school boys are like
old smart phones.

They're buggy,
they think too slowly.

And they crash
when you need them most.

Why don't we invent
a better one?


What if we make you
a boyfriend?

An interactive,
virtual boy.

Like the best one ever.

And we do that how?

I spent the summer
at coder camp.

And your dad designs
the coolest video game
characters in the world.

His software
must be off the chain.

Well, yeah.

And totally off limits.

I mean, his office is locked up
like a bank vault.

We don't need
to get inside.

We could just surf in
on bits of data.

So you want to hack
into my dad's secure network

and build me
some high-def boyfriend?

That's insane.

I know, but it's better
than letting Nevaeh win.

You better sleep over.

Let me text my mom.

Okay, I can.
Okay, but we cannot
get caught.

My dad is super secretive
about his work.

What's the big deal?

It's a video-game company,
not the Department
of Defense.

Welcome to my humble lab,

All right, doctor,
time to see what Uncle Sam's
been paying you for.

Oh, just follow me.

You can take the elevator.
And you can-- Okay.

Gentlemen, I give you
the future birthplace
of the X-17.

The world's first
covert robotic operative.

It's an impressive

in theory.

Are you prepared to move
to the fabrication stage?

You get the go-ahead
from the President,

and I'll make history.

Consider it done.
Thank you, sir.


We did it, guys!

Ugh, your dad's network has like
20 layers of encryptions.

Even our microwave
is password protected.

COMPUTER: Door secure.

We can't quit.

With this software,
Albert could be totally virtual.

He could text, call,
and video chat,

all on his own.
He'll be better than 3D.

He'll be 3D-licious.


We're in!

COMPUTER: Welcome to
Superior Gaming Incorporated

This is it.

Begin prototype creation.

Enter geopolitical

I don't know.


What is the project home base?

The high school.

Who is the project commander?


COMPUTER: Set character
capability levels.

Go big or go home,
I always say.

this is the sweetest thing

that anyone
has ever done for me.

Hey, our circle
may be small,

but membership does have
its privileges.

Now tell me
your ideal male human.

And do not say Jaden.
Aim higher.

Well, he'd be tall
with brown hair.

No, blonde
with blue eyes.


And even though
he's super cute,
he doesn't know it.

Which makes him even cuter.

This is amazing.

It's taking our data
and turning it into virtual DNA.

He would be super polite,
like almost Canadian.

He would be
sensitive and brave.

And with just one look,

he would know exactly
how I feel.

and he should be strong

without being a meathead.

And honest.

I wouldn't have to guess
what he's thinking all the time.

He would just tell me.


I want him to notice
the little things.

And be wise
beyond his years.

Going to homecoming with him
wouldn't be awkward or scary

like it would be
with other boys.

And when he walks into
the dance holding my hand,

it's just perfect,

like strolling down
a rose-petaled path

in the sparkling moonlight
in Paris.

Wow. You've really
thought about this.

And everyone
will be watching.

But it'll feel like we're
the only two people on earth.

And when we kiss...

it'll be the perfect kiss.

And the moment will burn
in my memory forever,

like a magical brain tattoo.

Oh, wow.

Am I good or what?

Hello, Mae.

Begin fabrication sequence.

Oh, that was crazy.



Are you okay?

I can still see him.

He was so-- perfect.

Do you smell smoke?
I think we might have
fried some circuits.

You can say that again.

Come on.

Did we do this?

Unless they make computers
in extra crispy Cajun-style,

I'd say yes.

Wait here.




I thought
you were asleep.

No, justice never sleeps.

I'm the man of the house
right now.

The keeper of the realm.

And trespassing
in my dad's office

is a major offense.

Well, I'd appreciate
your discretion.

Well, it's--
It will not come cheap.

That sounds kind of creepy.
What do you have in mind?

you and me.

Come on, just
expand your mind.

I do not believe
in school-sponsored
romantic events.

It's a front
for the corsage industry.

I read about it online.

That's unfortunate
because that's my dad's
car pulling in.

What's going on?

Cover for us.

What? Like, okay?
Like fine, are we going?

Fabrication sequence complete.

( dog barking )

Welcome home, Pops!

How's my favorite
role model?

How much do you want,
Bart? Huh?

Okay, 20 bucks,
is that enough?

you're so cynical.

Maybe I just want
to celebrate you.

After 16 years,
you're starting now?
No, I have work to do--

No, no,
work can wait.

Mom is out of town.

She is?

That means
it's you time.

You know,
why don't you chillaxify.


Is something burning?

Spot of chamomile tea?


Why don't we come on
over here?

We'll settle into your
lucky thinking chair.



We'll even throw
on some of that
smooth jazz you love.

Oh, I love
the smooth jazz, yes.

There you go.

How do you feel now?

Suspicious but...



All right,
what's the big emergency?


Keep your cookies
in the jar.

We cannot let Nevaeh
get the best of us,

so I hacked into your
dad's computer

and designed Mae
a boy.

Not just any boy.

The best boy ever.

I'm gonna go throw up.

Good luck with this,

Wait, wait, wait!
So I guess our deal is off?

Wait, what deal?

A very personal
and private deal

which is none
of your concern.

Okay, when I told you
I would cover for you,

I didn't mean all this!

Oh, fine!

Just go to school

I have a free period
in the morning,

I'll handle this.

And you really think
you can fix all this?

Easy, hotshot.

You're not the only one
who knows your way
around a motherboard.

Hi, Dad.
Bye, Dad.

See you, Dr. Hartley.

( cell phone ringing )

General McFee.

I've been trying you
for hours.

You better get yourself
down to the lab, now!

There's been an incident.

I-- I-- of course, yes.

I-- I'm on my way.

Oh, Mae!

Quelle surprise.

We're late for class.

Your new boyfriend
just added me.

Talk about Gorgie

BOTH: What?

But who created this page?

I didn't.

He's already connected
to half the school!

Albert's gone viral.

Oh, don't act
so surprised.

Admit it.

You created
a fake boyfriend profile.

A faux-beau-file,
if you will.

No, we didn't.

Oh, yeah?

Prove me wrong.

( car engine revving )

♪ Is that all you got? ♪

♪ I think you're hot ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ I think you're hot ♪

♪ But you're not ♪

♪ Is that all you got? ♪

♪ Yo, is that all you got? ♪

♪ I think you're hot ♪

It's him.

BOTH: It can't be.

It's Albert.

There you are.

There she is.

There you are.

I can't believe it.

Albert, I'm sorry.

I don't mean to intrude,

but what are you
doing here?

My dad got
transferred from D.C.

If it isn't friend number 82,

That's heaven spelled



So, let me just
get this straight.

You and Mae...

are dating?


It's more than dating.

You guys know
how it is.

When you meet
the one.

That one person
you're really meant for.

It's like

being alive
for the first time.

That's how Mae
makes me feel.

welcome to McMaster High.

Make sure you don't fall
in with the wrong crowd.

Let's go, ladies.

All right.

Now who would like to show me
to the registrar's office?

I will! I will!

What just happened?

I don't know... yet!

I don't know yet.

Come on.

This will take months
to repair.

Who could have
broken in?

The locks were busted
from the inside.

This wasn't a break-in,
it was an escape.

hacked into the servers

and assembled the first X-17.

After 5 years of planning,
and it actually worked?

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy!

Oh, yeah!

Who's the man
with the genius plan?

an android on demand!

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Did you hear
what I said, doctor?

We were hacked.
Our security
has been breached.

The prototype
is at large.

This is a national emergency!

Do I make myself clear?

Oh, boy.

( bell ringing )

I don't think
of it as snowboarding.

I think of it as forging
a mystical connection

to the mountain.

Entering that place
where your soul flies.

It's the sensation
the Inuit people call
Kuvia Sung Nerk.

Where did he come from?

We have
to figure this out.


I'm sorry, but, Ella and I
just have to tell you.

Albert is so evolved.

He's sweet,
but he's a boy-boy, too.

He is emotionally

Marnie, it is so much
more than that.

Albert is like,

uhhhnn, you know?

Hmm, I know
what you mean.

( bell ringing )

People don't just appear
one day out of thin air.

Ladies, may I escort
you to class?

Hey, guys, wait up.

It's an honest mis--

These are useless.

Someone must have seen

The X-17 is designed
to infiltrate

its surroundings
without detection, sir.


Well, maybe
you designed it too well.

It could be anywhere.

Or anyone.


Tell me you have a witness.

Nothing solid, sir.

Just a lady walking
her dog last night.

Did she give
a description?

She said he was "super cute
candy sugar in my eye holes

and the honorary mayor
of Hunky Town," sir.

♪ You take me higher
and higher and higher, baby ♪

♪ When you sit next to me,
I, I can barely breathe ♪

♪ Higher and higher
and higher, baby ♪

♪ I need you
all the time ♪

♪ Say that you
will be mine ♪

♪ Pull up wait,
back again ♪

♪ So high up
need oxygen ♪

♪ Party over here
girl bring a friend ♪

♪ I love the way
your hair blow in the wind ♪

♪ Girl, I hope we never end ♪

♪ 'Cause your love
is my medicine ♪

♪ I can't pretend,
you got it all ♪

♪ Like a spaceship
rocket taking off ♪

♪ Higher and higher
and higher, baby ♪

♪ When you sit next to me,
I, I can barely breathe ♪

♪ Higher and higher
and higher, baby ♪

♪ I need you
all the time ♪

♪ Say that you
will be mine ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Take me higher,
higher, higher, higher ♪

♪ You got that
can't explain ♪

♪ Kind of love, girl,
it's the way ♪

♪ You make me feel
like day to day ♪

♪ Just one touch
I go insane ♪

♪ So high
we can't stop now ♪

♪ Keep our speakers
way too loud ♪

♪ And if they try
to shut us down ♪

♪ We just turn it up
and take it ♪

♪ Higher and higher
and higher, baby ♪

♪ I need you
all the time ♪

♪ Say that you
will be mine ♪

♪ Take me higher,
higher, higher, higher ♪

It's War and Peace.

Mae's favorite.

I've figured out
who you are.

It's so obvious.

That book is deep.

You're from the video game

This is like, a viral
marketing campaign, right?

It's genius.

They let someone
hack into their game

and then the next day,
an actor shows up

in makeup as the character
you designed.

( sighs )

I am totally
gonna buy this game.

So what is this,
vulcanized rubber?

My name is Albert Banks.

I'm from Glacier Falls--
Alaska. I know.

You must have studied
for this all night.

And you've done
a great job.

The look on Nevaeh's face
was epic.

Anything to make Mae happy.

That's what I want
to talk to you about.

You're going
a little overboard.

Pride and Prejudice.


A marriage proposal?

Spit it out, Mr. Darcy.


This is what I mean.

You're being
a little too awesome.

And when you go home,
Mae will be crushed.

And I'll be left to pick up
the pieces.

I'm not an actor.

And I'm not leaving here
until my mission
is accomplished.

I'm going to kiss Mae
at homecoming.

A perfect kiss.

There you go again
with the sappy stuff.

Thanks for setting me
and Mae up,

but I can take it from here.

( cell phone ringing )

Hey, Bart.

Gabby, what is going on?
How is everything going
with the computer?

Oh, the computer,
oh, it's, you know,

it's--it's horrible,

I was gonna
give you a call

but then I saw
a picture of an angel-faced,

muscle-bound man-boy
on my sister's photo feed.

Okay, Bart,
don't freak out.

But the boy we designed,
he kind of... showed up.


There's an explanation
for this.

I just haven't
found it yet.

I'll explain it for you.

You have conjured life
from the primeval void.

You have meddled
with nature itself.

Thanks for not
freaking out.

This will cause
chaos of epic proportions.

It will tear
the fabric of space time.

Don't you see?

There is no version
of the logical universe

where my sister
should have a boyfriend.

Bart, climb down
from the ceiling.

We can't figure out
what's going on

until you fix that computer.

Have you switched
the memory chip?

Yeah, no, I tried that, okay,
but the transceiver...

No, the refractory
memory chip.


Call me when it's done.

90, 91.

New record!

161, 162,

163, 164,

165, 166,

167, 168, 169.

Okay, stop.

Kid, I can't even count
that high.

You ever play football,

No, sir. But I used
to throw salmon
in my dad's boat.

Try this fish
on for size.

Gleason, go long!

( screams )

Did you see that?


More like un-possible.

I'm okay!

Oh, Mae.

Hi. Come on.

( bell ringing )
It doesn't
make any sense.

Yeah, I never saw her
with a guy like him.

Jaden, sweetie,
no one ever saw her at all.

What is there to see?

Oh, catch you guys later.

Hey, Mae, weren't we gonna
meet today about chapter four?

Oh, no, I spaced.

And I promised Albert
I'd show him around.

( sneezes )

Mae, I need
to ask you something.

Wow, guys.
There's a lot of...

Lot of pollen out here.

Hey, um, Gabby, could we have
a moment alone?

That's fine.
It's just the three of us.

Oh, okay.

I'll just be over here,
next to the ragweed.

( Gabby sneezes )

( sneezes )

Will you go to homecoming
with me?


No, I mean, no.

It's too sudden,
is it?

I mean...
Look, this is crazy.

You could ask any other girl
in the school.

Someone who's just
as put together as you are.

People just don't really
look at me that way.

That's not an answer.

Hey, um, could you give me
just one second?


Hey, are you okay?

No, I'm not.

Don't you think this is
moving a little fast?

This wasn't
part of the game plan.

What game plan?

The unstoppable team!

We're gonna study hard,
graduate early,

go to Harvard,
become millionaires,

win Nobel Prizes,
and then become

the president and
of the United States.

Oh, okay, okay.

So when were you gonna tell me
about the rest of my life?

Come on.
I created this boy
to help you.

But now you're letting it
change everything.

Gabby, Albert is the best thing
that has ever happened to me.

And you're acting like
it's a problem.

♪ It's been
said and done ♪

♪ Every beautiful thoughts
been already sung ♪

♪ And I guess right now
here's another one ♪

♪ So your melody
will play on and on ♪

♪ With the best of them ♪

♪ You are beautiful ♪

♪ Like a dream
come alive, incredible ♪

♪ A sinful miracle,
lyrical ♪

♪ You've saved
my life again ♪

♪ And I want you
to know, baby ♪

♪ I love you like
a love song, baby ♪

♪ I, I love you like
a love song, baby ♪

♪ I, I love you like
a love song, baby ♪

♪ And I keep hitting
re-peat-peat-peat, yeah ♪

♪ No one compares,
you stand alone ♪

♪ To every record I own ♪

♪ Music to my heart
that's what you are ♪

♪ A song that
goes on and on ♪

♪ I, I love you
like a love song, baby ♪

♪ I, I love you like
a love song, baby ♪

♪ I, I love you
like a love song, baby ♪

♪ I love you like
a love song ♪

So, homecoming.

What time
are you picking me up?

She said yes.

( cell phone ringing )

( clapping )

Don't say my name.

They could be listening.

Did you fix the computer?

Yeah, I fixed
the computer.

That's fantastic!

No, no, it is not fantastic.

I wish I hadn't
fixed it.

I wish that I didn't know

the things that I know.

Would you just do me a favor
and get back here ASAP?

That means
as soon as possible.

I know what ASAP means.

What's going on?

I've already said too much.
I have to go.

Sir, the situation
has escalated.

We now have reason to believe
that Black Sigma

is after the X-17.

Black Sigma? What is that,
a heavy metal band?

They're international
arms dealers.

There is not a weapon
they haven't tried to steal.

If the prototype
falls into their hands,

the safety of the entire
free world is in danger.

I don't understand
any of this.

How could somebody
activate the prototype
from the outside?

Every copy of the software
is in this lab.

What is it, doctor?

There's one more copy
of the software.

Is it secure?

Well, we have
a "Keep Off The Grass" sign

in our front yard.

We have been planning
to steal this weapon for months,

and now someone
goes and grabs it out
from under us.

That is very bad manners.

We'll never
get into lab now.

We don't need
to get inside.

The prize is out there now.

And we will be
the first to find it.

( footsteps approaching )

Bart, let me in.

How do I know it's you?

Stop being
a massive knucklehead.

Yeah, okay.
It's you.

Nothing to see here.

You fixed it?

Bart, you're a hero.

Are you sure
you weren't followed?
What is going on?

My dad is not
a video game designer.

The last 5 years
of my life have been

a complete lie.

My formative years, a fraud.

I am a shell
of a husk of a person.

Would you--
Look at this.

( beeping )


You are trespassing on
a network of the United States

Department of Defense.

This was not there before.

Yeah, yeah,
they must have put up

a firewall when
you hacked in...

to the Pentagon,
where my dad apparently works.

I hacked the Pentagon?


Hey, no, Miss-Hackey-Pants!
This is the moment
when you're supposed

to stop before
you make things worse.

Oh, no.
They just got worse.

"The X-17, The World's
First Covert Robotic Operative."

Do you realize
what you've done?

Yes, I designed a highly mobile,

handsome, wholesome,

dreamy-eyed robot soldier.

And I set him up
with my best friend.

( metal scattering )

Hide, hide, hide, hide.

That was unexpected.

ZEPHYR: That's him.

That's the weapon.

( stammering )

Take the files,
destroy the rest.

No, you...


Let's go,
someone's coming.

No, no.

I just fixed this.

Something really fishy
is going on here.

Armed intruders?
Government agents?

This is another Taco Tuesday
at the Hartley household!

Let's go.

( siren wailing )

( tires screeching )

Black Sigma
beat us here.

Bart's car is outside.

My kids are here.

All clear up here.


Oh. Hello, Father.

What are you guys doing?

Uh, nothing.
We're just studying. Math.


Well, thank goodness
you're okay.

There was a break-in.
Where's Mae?

Oh, she's out
with a boy.

Uh, a completely real boy
who treats her

with kindness and respect.

Are you sure
you two didn't see anything?

Nope, not us.
Right, Bart?

No, nothing at all.

And who are these
fine gentlemen, Dad?

Oh, they're--

I've been developing
a military video game,

and these are my consultants.

Oh, that is a bunch of--
Common sense.

Because you have to make sure
the games are realistic.

Right, Bart?

Yeah, otherwise,
it would be like

pretending something
is one way,

but in reality,
it's an entirely different way.

Right, Dad?
And that would be

Right, Dad?

And lying is bad.

Right, Dad?

Bart, are you okay?

Whoa, I'm fine, Dad.

Okay, Bart, you'd better
drive me home.

Only honesty in this house!

POX: His name is Albert,
that's his mission data.

What is this homecoming?

I will only accept
the truth.

Ah. Sorry.

I had a little bit of a moment,
but I'm calm now.

I'm calm.


Those kids will lead us
to homecoming.

Follow that cab.

Hey, taxi.

The Eagles pre-game party.

And I guess
it's as good a place

as any to start
the Robot Apocalypse.

No, it's not.

Mae is Albert's
mission commander.
She can shut him down.

When I tell her that,
I'm sure she'll listen.

Hi, guys. Hi.

Yeah, I'm not sure
you're Mae's mission
commander anymore.

Let's split up
and track him down.

Just find him.

Do not try
to take him yourself.


Are you afraid
I'll mess up his hair?

Look who's here.
It ain't a party
till Gabby shows up.

Hey, Gabby.

Mae, new dress?

Oh, Albert took me shopping
on the way here.


So Gabby,
we hear you found Mae
this perfect boy.

Could you work your magic
for me and Ella?

I think I've done enough.

I'd like a guy
who's like
five-nine-ish, scruffy,

but not smelly,
and vegan.

But not like
snobby vegan.


and I'd like a guy

who's like,
you know?

I need to talk to you.


So, you're
Mae's big brother.

I mean you no harm.

Please don't hurt me.

Sigma 3 to team leader.

I have the target
in sight.

Excuse me a second.

It's good talk.

ZEPHYR: Stay there.
Do not approach the target.

I can totally
take this kid.

( screams )

Mae, listen--
I-- I know
what you're gonna say, okay?

I know you're upset.
You feel like Albert
has come between us,

and you don't want things
to change.

Albert is not a normal boy.

I agree.

No, I need to tell you
what's really going on.

Albert is a robot.

I know. Okay, he can be
a little bit formal,

but I think that's cute.
And you don't even
understand boys,

you think
they're a distraction,

and that's fine.

But I love Albert.

And I know that he feels
the same way about me.

Albert can't feel
anything for you.
It's impossible.

You know,
I should probably go,
Albert's looking for me.

Mae, just trust me.

You have to end things
with Albert and it's
really simple.

All you have to do
is take him by the hands,
look him right in his eyes

and say
"Initiate self-destruct."

Okay, that is ridiculous
and I'm not gonna do that.

You have to.

I need a best friend,
not a boss.

Well, you know what?
Right now, neither one
is a very fun job.

Well, then maybe
you should quit.

Sigma 3 to leader.

False alarm, guys.
The prototype isn't here.

Ready, Ready.

Go Eagles!

Do it for your future
homecoming queen.

( cheers and applause )

It's the fourth quarter,

and our fighting Eagles
are trailing

Uni High, 28 to 3.

As far as I recall,
this is the closest

we've ever come to winning.

( coughing )

I guess you found him.

He can sense us coming.

How can we even get close?

We need
the electro-pulse device.

It will shut down
any electrical current

within a targeted range,
including Mr. Cutie Patootie.

And that's when
we'll grab him.

( cheers and applause )

( blows whistle )

You all right, man?

Did you tell Mae
about Albert?

We didn't get around
to it.

My sister is dating
a lethal robotic soldier,

and you didn't get
around to it?
It just didn't come up?

It's my knee, coach.

Get some ice on it.

Where's my second-string
running back?

You got to be
kidding me.

( cheers and applause )



Suit up!

( cheering )

No, we can't use him.

Tell that to the scoreboard,

Oh, no.
This cannot be happening.

Yeah, I'm sure
it will be fine.

As long as nobody tries
to tackle him.

Okay, guys, battle time.
Download me
an action plan.

Just stay out of the way.

Blast right 21 Z, on two.

Hello, Gabby.
You cannot go
into this game.

Yeah, she's right.
You haven't even
been to the practices,

you don't know
the plays.

TEAMMATES: Yeah, yeah.

Gabby, what are you doing?
Hello, Mae.

Bestie versus boyfriend.
Grab your popcorn, dudes.

( laughter )
He should not be
playing football.

He could think someone's
the enemy and take them out.

It's all in good fun.

Hey, get your boyfriend
out of my homecoming game.

Hello, Nevaeh.

That's heaven spelled
backwards, guys.

( blows whistle )


Delay of game.

( crowd booing )


Don't even talk to me.

Hey, I'm just trying
to help you guys out.

You don't even know.

All right, guys.
We're gonna win this game!

♪ We're at the top,
we're at the top ♪

♪ Won't take second best ♪

♪ We're at the top,
we're at the top ♪

♪ All the rest ♪

♪ We'll never stop ♪

♪ We'll never stop ♪

♪ We'll never stop ♪

♪ No one's gonna stand
in our way ♪

♪ Somebody tried
but not today ♪

♪ We're at the top,
we're at the top,

♪ Won't take second best ♪

♪ We're at the top,
we're at the top ♪

♪ In all the rest ♪

♪ We'll never stop ♪

♪ We'll never stop ♪

♪ We're at the top,
we're at the top ♪

♪ Won't take second best ♪

♪ We're at the top,
we're at the top ♪

♪ All the rest ♪

♪ We'll never stop ♪

♪ We'll never stop ♪

Jenks, get in the game.

These are the men
that we believe

broke into the residence.

It's imperative
that we find them.

Awful lot of fuss
for a burglary.

What's this about,

That's classified.


Oh, um, sorry, Sheriff.

But the Eagles just scored
another touchdown.



But they never beat
Uni High.

I've got video.

They got this new kid,
he's a bona-fide beast.

Look, what did I tell you?

This kid can do
some serious damage.

It's the X-17's
empowered assault mode.

We've found
the prototype.

And he's dating my daughter.

COACH: All right,
come on, Eagles.

Not going to let Uni
take it this time!

Plenty of time left!
Let's go.

We could actually win this.

All because of Albert.

He's like our secret weapon.

( crowd cheering )

Let's make history, bro.
You got it, captain.

All right, coach,
time for one more play.

I've got a brilliant idea.

Let's give the ball
to this guy.

Albert! Albert!

Albert! Albert!
Albert! Albert!

This is not
an authorized cheer.


Let's go, Jaden.




Tackle him.

Go, go, go, go, go, go...

He can do that?

( cheers and applause )



( siren wailing )

( screaming )

GABBY: Oh, no,
we're in trouble.

This way.

What is happening?
Gabby, what is this?

Oh, so now you want
to finally start listening.

Your dad does not work
for a video game company.

He works for the Pentagon.

And Albert is a weapon,
a covert robotic soldier.

And all of this

is a search party
for your boyfriend.

Everyone's after him,
your dad, the army,

these mean guys with like,
big angry eyebrows,

and it's all our fault!

Hurry up!

Stay quick, stay sharp.

Come on.

Sigma 3, respond.
Do you have the prototype?

Sigma 2, respond.


I don't have a visual.

Boss, where are you?

Boss, boss,
he's just gone.

Wait a minute,
where you guys are?

Hey, let me see your hands.

Don't move.


( siren wailing )

( tires screeching )

You've stolen property

of the United States

Come out peacefully

and tell us everything
we want to know.

That's right.

And there is
no way

that you are going
to homecoming.

But, Dad.

Where is Albert?
What have you done
with him?

Sit down,

Well, you had an eventful
two days.

You hacked
a government network

and stole a weapon
so secret,

Congress doesn't even know
it exists.

You hijacked
the prize creation

from the most advanced lab
on earth.

That reminds me,
do you guys have
any internships?


Your actions
were careless

and your methods
were deplorable.

But it's clear your intentions
were purely romantic.

You didn't want
a high-tech war machine.

Just a boy toy.

Take them home, doctor,
they're free to go.

Did you just say
free to go?


The X-17 is no longer
your concern. Jenks?

Albert's system was temporarily
shut down last night

by an electro-pulse device.

Thankfully, the criminals
who did it are in custody.

When he rebooted,
he returned to
his default mission,

saving the free world
from danger.

We're tracking them
all over the globe.

So far today,
he's helped freedom fighters

in South America,

built a school
in the Middle East.

And right now
he's leading a team

of mine-sniffing dolphins
through the straits of Hormuz.

Albert would never
leave me.

This is all a mistake.

The mistake
was that you laid

your eyes upon him
in the first place.

He's the property
of the U.S. Army now,

where he belongs.
No, you're wrong.

Young lady, you'll do
as the general says.

On one condition.

In exchange
for your freedom,

you will never speak a word
about any of this.

Go back to your lives
just like they were.

Forget Albert Banks
ever existed,

'cause you're never
going to see him again.


Have we planted a story
to cover up

our attendance
at the football game?

I took the liberty
of blaming

the whole thing
on Colonel Dalton.

I believe you two had a rivalry
at West Point?

Well done, Major.
All's fair in love and war.

I wouldn't know, sir.
I've never seen action
in either.

General, are you in contact
with Albert?

I'd like to see
how he's functioning.

That's above
your clearance level, doctor.

For the time being,

I suggest you keep an eye
on your daughter.

Well, that's it.
It's over.

No. Albert will come
to his senses,
and he'll remember me,

and that
he's not some soldier.

And when he does,
I'm going to be
there for him.

I'm going
to homecoming.

Did you hear a word
they just said?

Look around.
Operation Boyfriend
has been shut down.

I'm not blind.

I can see that
Albert is

wire and metals
and microchips.

But it's so much more
than that,

and it was like that
from the first spark.

It was magic.

Mae, the world runs
on physics.

There's an equation
for everything,

and you and I
understand them all.

Magic is for people
who don't.

Look, I'm sorry
that you don't see it.

But I'm not giving up
on Albert.

This was supposed to be
the perfect night.

I know I'm biased.

But a girl as brilliant

and beautiful as you,

you're gonna
have that night.

I promise.

Thanks, Dad.

Um, hey.


Jaden, come on.

I'm sorry I'm late.


I never had a doubt.

Get out of the way,

I thought
Albert was 5,000 miles away.

We knew his mission
would lead him here.

But we couldn't let Mae know,
she would have warned him.

We're taking Albert now.
Where is my air support?

I can't let you do this.

Check the chain of command,

You work for me.

If you try
to take Albert by force,

he'll fight you
with everything he's got.

And I'm not gonna
let you march in there

and start "World War Albert"
with my daughter in the middle.

The prototype
will come with us peacefully,

if you let him
finish his mission.

You mean kissing your daughter
during a magical moonlit dance?

Yeah, it's what she wants.

I don't give two shakes
of a blind donkey's tail
what Mae wants!

Well, I do.

If you ruin her night,
I quit!

And you can forget
about another X-17,

or the X-18
or even the X-36.

What in the world
is the X-36?

I have no idea.

But it is going to be twice
as good as the X-18, obviously.

I don't leave
anything to chance.

Mae wants a kiss?


Then stand back, doctor.

Because U.S. Army is going
to make sure it happens.

Listen up, soldiers.

We've got a new mission.

We'll call it--

Operation Pucker Up...


That was supposed to be us.

So what?
They make a good couple.

Don't worry, I'm gonna restore
order to the kingdom.

What are you talking about?

Never mind.

Let's just stand here
and look popular.

Now stare into my eyes.

Are people noticing?

Keep looking.

I hope
you're proud of yourself.

Hey, Gabby, you look great.

You just had to show up,
didn't you?

With your perfect hair
and your yummy eyes.

You just had to be a vision
of grace and charm.

And that's bad?

You and Mae
cannot end up together.
It's impossible.

Gabby, you can't know
what's possible unless
you know everything.

And nobody does,
not even you.

Oh, you look so beautiful.

Your hotness
is scalding my eyes.


What are you guys wearing?

Polka dots, your favorite.

Don't we look A-Mae-Zing?

We're calling ourselves
The Mae Flowers.

Operation Pucker Up
is go, go, go.

MAN: ( on walkie-talkie )
Yes, sir.

I want this kiss happening
by 2100 hours.

You can't hurry love,

I can and I will.

Where is my Covert
Romance Team? Jenks?

I'm all over it, general.

Yo, let's go dance.

I can't.

I'm preparing
to accept my crown.

And tell
all of my grateful subjects

what I know about Albert.

Albert's cool.
Why don't you
just leave it alone?

Why don't you stop letting
yourself get pushed around?

You know what?
I will.

I hope
we can still be friends.

Did you just
break up with me?

Yeah, I did.

( cheers and applause )

Madam and monsieur,

and welcome to Paris.

Make sure to stop
at the crepe and fromage table

for a free ballroom dance lesson
from moi.

( cheers and applause )

But now,

it's time to crown
our guest of honor.

Ladies and gentlemen,
your Homecoming Queen is...

Mae Hartley!

( cheers and applause )

Mae won?

Mae won Homecoming Queen.

My little girl.

We stuffed the ballot box.

Where are you two going?

Get back in there,
now, now.

Well, I'm not really sure
what to sa--

I don't even know
what's going on here.

This is not acceptable.

Yes, it is.

This is like...

an unexpected triumph
for a genuinely decent person.

Not some hollow gesture

that you always took
for granted.

Well said.

( applause )

No, no, no, no.

You guys are all confused.

You need to know the truth
about Mae's boyfriend.

Mister Big Man On Campus.

You see,
Albert here is a machine!

Yeah, bro,
You're a machine!

( cheering )

No, no, no, no, no.

You guys don't understand.

Albert is dangerous.


I'm trying to warn you.

Albert is a super-soldier

who can tear this place apart
with one move.

So if he gets
near one of you,

every single one of you
better get down.

Get down!

( rock music playing )

Hey, you want to go out there
and dance or something?

No, I'm okay.

Yo, J-bones,

what's up?

Um, how--
how are you holding up?

You know, since you're not
gonna be first boyfriend--

Oh, dude, I'm not worried
about any of that.

And Nevaeh and I, done.

Perfect couple.

Everyone, like,
expected us to be together.

But from now on
I'm gonna stop worrying

about what other people

Albert's got it
all figured out.

He saw
how special Mae was,

and he asked her
to the dance.

I wanted to ask her
to the dance...

I just really didn't have
the guts.

see you around, Brad.

That's not my name.

I can't believe it.

I was totally wrong...
and Albert was right.

I'm sorry.

Did your mouth just make
the words "I Was Wrong"?

Jaden liked Mae.

He liked her
the whole time.




I guess.

I have to tell you

I just want to apologize.

We've been friends
since forever.

And it's always
just been the two of us.

And that was
enough for me.

But it wasn't fair to you.

I was holding you back.

I never should have said
that Jaden was
out of your league.

You were just worried
that I would get hurt.


I was worried about
losing my best friend.

Maybe my only friend.

We were a good team.


But you're great
on your own.


No, Mae, it's okay.

You know that all of this
isn't really my thing.

But if that's what
makes you happy,

then that's what
I want for you...

whether I'm a part of it
or not.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's time
for the moonlight dance.

All right, people.

We're finally gonna be able
to retrieve this weapon,

as soon as he macks
with the girl.

I mean, kisses
the nice young lady.

Let's go.


♪ I love your eyes ♪

♪ I love your smile ♪


♪ And every time
you go ♪


♪ The way
you look at me ♪


♪ The expression
on your face ♪


♪ I love your eyes ♪

♪ I love your smile ♪

I present the Queen
and her Prince Charming

on the dance floor.

♪ I remember ♪

♪ The day that we met ♪

♪ How could I ever,
ever forget ♪

♪ Feel that day
you took ♪

♪ My breath away ♪

♪ If you should ask me ♪

Are we feeling the love?

♪ What's on my mind,
what am I thinking ♪

We're feeling it, sir.

Jenks, get your head
in the game.

Oh, um, yes, sir.

♪ Tell you the truth,
it's you ♪


Oh, no.
The army is here.

They're gonna try
and take Albert back.

We have to warn Mae.


She's got this.

I can't.

She can't?

I'm sorry.

What's wrong?

The lights.

The moon.


Everything is just like
I imagined it.

But it doesn't feel like
I thought it would.

I made you up.

I invented
the idea of you,

because I was hurt
that a boy didn't want me.

And I wasn't brave enough
to know that

if he didn't like me for me,
that's his problem.

I only get one first kiss.

I don't know
when it's gonna happen,

and it probably
won't be perfect.

But I know now

that I want it
to be real.

You're incredible.

You always say
the right thing.

I know.

But it's true.
You're doing something
I could never do.

You're changing
and it's beautiful.

Don't worry.
But look up.

You knew.

You knew the army was coming
and you showed up anyway.

I had a mission--

to make this the best night
of your life.

And now my work is done.


This is what I want.

Just look into my eyes
and say it.

Initiate self-destruct.

Good-bye, Mae.

( screaming )


Come on.

I knew it.
What did I tell you?

It's the government,
it's probably classified.

There are cameras


Let's give a round of applause
for Principal Fragner

for the awesome
special effects.

( applause )

( music playing )

Needed softer music.

More pink in the lights.
A gentle breeze.

General, you did
everything you could.

My moment is ruined.

You mean,
Mae's moment.

I'm sorry.

I'm a little choked up
right now.

See that line of smoke?

It's a perfect
logarithmic curve.

I've been meaning
to tell you.

I'm actually
pretty good at math.

I guess I just really
liked my tutor.

You want to go dance?

Maybe later.

Jaden likes you.

But no boy

is more important
than our friendship.

I second that.

What if...


My boyfriend
was related to you?

What the--
I thought you said

boys were a distraction?
They are.

But they're
a pretty good one.

You want to dance?


Hey, have you ever heard
the story of the girl

who met a boy
and changed the world?

It turns out,
it was you.

Hey, you want to go out there
and dance or something?

As Kravtar would say,
you want the Boogie Woogie?

Hey, you want to dance?

You were ironic, right?

Don't deny my moves.

You want to get
a little groovy?

You know what?

Oh, where am I?
Oh, there he is.

♪ Keep your head up,
keep the down ♪

♪ Throw it all in,
break your own ground ♪

What are you doing?
You just--
it's the bap.

♪ And if you're gonna take
a stand, stand out ♪

♪ Life is our game,
we can all play ♪

♪ Shake a move,
don't be afraid ♪

♪ And if you're gonna make
a mess, make it loud ♪

♪ And if you're gonna take
a stand, stand out ♪

♪ Stand out,
oh, oh ♪

♪ Stand out,
oh, oh ♪

♪ Stand out,
oh, oh ♪

♪ Stand out ,
stand out ♪