How Sweet It Is! (1968) - full transcript

Photographer Grif Henderson is assigned a photo shoot in Paris. He decides to take his wife Jenny and his hippie son Davey with him on the shoot. Jenny unknowingly rents a house that belongs to a French lawyer. She must fend off his charms and stay true to Grif, while he likewise tries to stay true to her on the shoot.

♪ How sweet it is, girl ♪

♪ When I'm walkin' down the
sidewalk and I suddenly know ♪

♪ Whose street it is, girl ♪

♪ And it doesn't really matter
which way I go ♪

♪ I found the magic moment
in my life ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ And I'll lay it down ♪

♪ All is cool ♪

♪ How sweet it is, girl ♪

♪ When you love someone
the way that I love you ♪

♪ Love you ♪

♪ How sweet it is, girl ♪

♪ When I'm dancin' with you,
baby, and I cannot decide ♪

♪ Which beat it is, girl ♪

♪ The one that I'm hearin'
or the one that's inside ♪

♪ You've got to have a lover
in your life ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I know
'cause I've been around ♪

♪ I'm no fool ♪

♪ How sweet it is, girl ♪

♪ When you love someone
the way that I love you ♪

♪ Love you ♪

♪ Now, there are certain people
puttin' down certain people ♪

♪ 'Cause they got nothin' ♪

♪ Nicer to do ♪

♪ Hard talk ♪

♪ Goin' 'round about people ♪

♪ But people wouldn't do it ♪

♪ If people just knew ♪

♪ How sweet the sweet is ♪

♪ I found the magic moment ♪

♪ In my life ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ And I'll lay it down ♪

♪ All is cool ♪

♪ How sweet it is, girl ♪

♪ When you love someone
the way that I love you ♪

♪ Love you ♪

♪ How sweet it is, girl ♪

♪ When you love someone
the way that I love you ♪

♪ Love you ♪

♪ How sweet it is, girl ♪

♪ When you love someone
the way that I love you ♪

♪ Love you ♪

[ Woman giggles, groans ]

[ Man groans ]

I didn't even lock the door.

I didn't even close the oven.

[ Man chuckles ]

You really took me by surprise,

sneaking into the kitchen.

Getting late.

David will be home
from work soon.

We better get up.

♪ Da-dum da-da-dum ♪

There's no time.

Did you hear something?


I haven't seen you
in almost a month.

But David will be home
any minute.

He's never caught us yet.



Put on your apron.

I thought you didn't want
to get dressed.

No, no. I mean just the apron.

Oh, hi... hi, there, David.

Hi, mom. Hi, dad.

I just thought

I was going to cut myself
a little roast beef,

but I couldn't find it.

I was just going to
have a little snack.

You get hungry for home cooking

on these long trips.

And tired.

Your father
wanted to take a nap.

Ah, sure, yeah.

Wel-welcome back home, dad.

I think I'll get some
peanut butter instead.

I'll talk to you later, son.

Thank goodness
I didn't put the apron on!

Dope! Stupid! Idiot!

I laid out a towel
for you, honey.


Jenny, be careful
when you unpack my bags.

I got some negatives
stuck in my shirts.

I'm worried about Davey.

Yeah, so am I.

His hair is getting
longer than yours.

I think it looks pretty on him.

Just what I've always
wanted... a pretty son.

Oh, seriously, dear.

He's having trouble
with his girlfriend.

Honey, why did you bring
a grass skirt home?

For you to wear.
It's from Africa.

It's an authentic
kumawa fertility skirt.

Well, where's the rest of it?

That's it.

That's why the kumawa
are so fertile.

Yeah. Kuma-wow!

I'm really concerned
about Davey, dear.


Ah, it's nothing serious.

He's just at that age.

Well, you've been away

on so many assignments
this year,

you and Davey
never talk anymore.

When he was a kid,
we used to talk a lot.

Used to make model
airplanes together.

Now all he wants to do
is sniff the glue.

That's not true.

Davey's interested
in a lot of things...

Free speech, civil rights,

Seven guys plugged
into a wall isn't music.

A lot of it is very good.

You just never stopped
to listen.

You know, Davey's involved

in a whole world
you should know about.

Ah, it's just
that old father-son gap.

Have you ever heard
of any father

who understands his teenage son?

But you're not just any father.


Come on in, son.

Your mom seems to think

I ought to have
a little talk with you...

Man to man.

What's this? A new necklace?

Yeah, do you like it?

Yeah, what is it?

Oh, it's just a symbol...
Peace and love.

That's cute.

When I was a kid

we used to wear
"kilroy was here" buttons.

What did that symbolize?

Well, uh, kilroy was, uh...

Well, it was written
on all the walls

and "kilroy was here"
and a hand...

Well, it was very big
in the '40s.

I guess humor has changed
a little bit.

Hey, you want to see some
of the photographs I took

while I was on safari?

No thanks, dad.

I don't approve
of hunting or killing.

I didn't kill them, David.
I just photographed them.

That's how I make my living.

You do approve of eating,
don't you?

Sure, dad.

Hey, uh, who's the woman
in your life these days, huh?

Still bootsie.

Bootsie? Do I know bootsie?

Your boss's daughter.

Haskell hasn't got a kid
named bootsie.

Well, it's Linda,
but we all call her bootsie.

She wears boots a lot.


Oh, look, David, I am no good
at beating around the bush.

Your mom seems to think
something is bothering you.

What is it?


Come on, son,
you can talk to me.

I don't know.

Will you stop fiddling with your necklace?
And talk like a man.

Okay, it's about bootsie.

She's not in any trouble?

If you mean pregnant, dad, no.

Well, good.

You've been going
with her for so long,

all that necking,

and well,
have you... You could...

How do you kids put it?

Gone all the way?

Dad, that isn't the way
us kids put it.

Whatever. How far?

[ Garbage disposal rumbles ]


Like that.

Is that all?

Your mother worries too much.

There is kind
of a problem, though.

Bootsie's going to Europe
this summer on a girls' tour.

Well, you'll miss her for the summer.
She'll be back.

Yeah. Look, I was thinking.

I've saved an awful lot
of money from my job.

I'm sure you have... you didn't exactly
waste it on silly things like haircuts.

Yeah, uh...

Dad, I want to follow bootsie
around Europe this summer.

Just kind of bum around.

I've got enough money
to get there,

and I'm sure I can survive.

Besides, I could be
with bootsie all summer.

You really like her
that much, huh?

I really do.

I know mom thinks I'm too young

to go to Europe by myself.
But I don't...

What do you think?

I think it's a great idea!

Make a man out of you!

Come on, dad. You're kidding me!

Dad, thanks.

Yeah, you're going
all by yourself, huh?

Well, pretty gutsy.

Maybe I can kick in a few bucks.

No, I won't need it.

No, I try
to trust and help people.

That way,
they'll trust and help me.

Love's all over the world.

It protects us all.

Well, I've been
all over the world, son.

Take a gun.

Come on, let's eat.

If you get to marseilles,
I want you to look up...

Oh, no. She'd be
an old woman by now.

She wasn't too young then.

What do you think mom's
going to think about this?

Don't worry.
I can handle your mother.

Nobody's going to Europe!

[ Whistle blows ]

Hi, Davey.

Oh, hi, bootsie.

You ask them?

Yeah, last night.

They're still arguing.

Oh, Davey, you've got to go.

We can't separate.

When you're in love
as much as we are,

four weeks is... it's a month!

Well, dad's all for it,
but mom's against it.

She thinks I'm too young.

I've got an idea.

My parents are going
to your party tonight.

Why don't you ask your
folks to convince my mom?

Oh, I don't like
to ask my folks for anything.

They use it against me later.

Davey, why are you picketing
with this group?

You're on the track team.

Yeah, I know.

But it's a guy's right
to skip gym if he wants to.

There's a principle here.

You know, I'd like to see a love

between the weak and the strong.

You're so deep.

Hey, look.

I don't think you should...
Not in front of the guys.

He's going.

You haven't given me one
good reason why he shouldn't.

Well, I've got
a million of them.

He doesn't even know
how to fold his underwear.

That's a reason?

That's a reason!

Well, let's take a vote.


Sir, would you keep your son
from going to Europe

just because he couldn't
fold his underwear?

It's some kind of a nut.
Start the car, Harry!


Would you come here
a minute, please?

I'd like you to say
hello to Mr. Dubrow.

How do you do, sir.

Grif Henderson is the best
action photographer

I've got on my magazine.

Oh, yes, I saw that article
that you did on Africa.

Great picture... that lion
chasing the antelopes.

Those were gazelles.

Well, I don't know
animals, grif,

but I know pictures, boy.

He doesn't know anything,

but he does take full-page ads.

Say, haskell, is it true

bootsie's going to Europe
for the summer?

She's going. Vera arranged that.

It was her idea, you know.

A trip to Europe would sort
of teach Linda about life.

If that kid learns
any more about life,

I'm going to lock her
in her room.

Davey told me she was going
on some sort of student tour.

I'm sending a photographer
along to cover the tour.

You know, "youth in Europe."

Yeah, that way the tour
people get top publicity

and my kid gets to go for free.

Vera arranged the whole thing.

Your wife is very good at that.

Do you think Vera dominates me?


My psychiatrist
says it's good for me.

Of course, Vera picked
my psychiatrist.

But, Vera, David's just a baby.

He's only 15.

Oh, kids mature earlier
nowadays, Jenny!

[ Sitar plays ]


All: Ahhhh!

Let's watch horizontal now.

They're just more grown up.

You can see it on their faces.

You mean you'd let bootsie
go to Europe alone?

Alone? My baby?!

You see what I mean?

What if grif went along

as a photographer
for the girls' tour?

Davey could even be
his assistant.

You could even go with him.

Oh, no, grif's been away
on a long trip.

He'd hate
that kind of an assignment.

I couldn't even ask him.

You don't have to ask him. I'll get
haskell to make him take the assignment.

But haskell would?

Haskell does
anything I tell him to.

It's like being married
to a jello mold.

Thanks, Vera. I can't.

I'll convince grif myself.

Okay, but if you
change your mind,

just holler for help.

Remember that night he
camped out with the cub scouts?

Well, that was only one night.

He got pneumonia.
Sneezed for three weeks.

That was five years ago!

He's still got the same nose.

He doesn't speak the
language. He bites his nails.

It's the first time

Davey and I have agreed
on anything in years.

Now he's going,

and that's the last
I want to hear about it!

[ Whispering ] My son is not
going to Europe alone.

Did you say something?


[ Barely audible ] He's not!

I heard that!

Four weeks in the jungle

sleeping with lions and snakes,

and I don't need
a sleeping pill.

But, boy, soon as I get home...







What? What? I'll do anything!

Hello, dear.

I have your favorite dinner
cooking right over here.

Hi, dad! Bye, dad!

Come back in here.
I got news for you.

I got news for both of you.

News, dear?

Haskell has changed my
assignment for the summer.

Guess where I'm going.

I'm going with you, David.


My dangerous new assignment

is to cover his daughter's
tour in Europe.

And you're going along
as my assistant.

You're kidding, aren't you, dad?

It's not the most thrilling
event in my life either.

I tried to talk haskell
out of it,

but for some reason
he's like iron.

Is that all?


You and I were finally going
to spend the whole summer

right here together
in New York, remember?

Maybe we can still
spend the summer together.

Oh, really. How?

I have all the
information right here.

You see, we can rent
a home in France

if we stretch the budget
a little.

Now, I'll stay there.

And you can join me
when the tour is over.

Now I spoke to Mrs. Freed
about the cat,

the gardener
will watch the house,

and we'll all be together!

Oh, isn't that just great!

How can a kid grow up
with his parents around?

Well, what do you think, dear?

I think I'm going to kill you!

Jenny, how could you do that?

You got together with haskell,
and you plotted the whole thing.

That boy wanted to go
to Europe by himself.

It would have made a man
out of him.

Jenny Lee,
I'm going to kill you!


In a little while.

Oh, hello?

I was wondering if you had
any house available

along the French riviera
for the summer?

We're looking for something
around $2,000.


Well, I know June is late,
but I...

Oh, well, thank you anyway.

[ Telephone rings ]

Excuse me, that's my telephone.

Hello, continental rentals here,
Mr. Tilly speaking.

Oh, would you hang on
just one moment?

My girl's out and the other
telephone's ringing.

I'm so sorry. Can I help you?

Oh, I hope so.

Do you have any houses
left to rent

along the riviera
for the summer... this summer?

Yes, oh, rather, certainly.

You do? Well, how could you?


All the other agencies said

that you had to book
way in advance.

Yes. I handle
a lot of society homes.

The jet set...
They're a very restless breed,

and they decide
at the last moment

they want to rent their houses.

Well, I'm more of
the station wagon set.

Tell me, where do you live?

Oh, in new Rochelle.
Now, I could be in town...

By a very happy coincidence,

I happen to be coming out there
this afternoon on business.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Tilly.

You can just drop...


Mrs. Henderson, that's one
of our very best houses.

It even comes with a servant.

I'm afraid it's $2,500.

But you said I wouldn't
have to pay more than $2,000.


Let's say $2,000.

It's a deal.

Oh, good. I'll get my checkbook.

Thank you

I'll make it out
to Gilbert tilly.

I love that name.

I knew it would work out.

Here's your contract.

I'll tell the owner
you're coming,

and all you have to do
is to arrive at the house.

Well, now, here is your check.

Thank you very much.

Oh, I see. Steady on.

This is only for $1,000.

But that's the deposit.

All the agencies that I called

said you pay half now
and half when you arrive.

You know about that, do you?

Well, of course, we all know
about it, don't we?

Yes, I wasn't quite certain

that's the way
you wanted to handle it.

That's the way my husband
wants me to handle it.

Now, here's your receipt.
Don't lose that.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

And you were dear
to come all this way,

and I know the villa is
going to be just perfect.

I do hope you have
a lovely time.


Ten days all to ourselves
on the ship.

We won't even
come out of the cabin.

We won't even open a porthole.

You aren't still angry with me,
are you, darling?


Are those the lips
of an angry man?

We're going to have
so much fun on the riviera.

I have the money all worked out.

Uh-uh, I don't want to hear
about the arrangements.

This is your show.
You take care of the budget.

I'll buy you dinner, dear.

Oh, the numbers
all jumble together.

I think I had too much wine.

Well, I'll tell you what.

You just hang on to me,

I'll be better when I'm in bed.

You always are.

[ Foghorn blows ]

[ Foghorn blows ]

Goodbye, Linda.
Don't drink the water.

Do you see her?

Oh, what difference
does it make?

She can't see us either.
Just wave!

Hey, Linda!

Who are you waving at?

At you. Why aren't you
on the boat?

I'm looking for Davey.

Well, grif is already
aboard taking pictures,

and Davey's coming
with his mother.

I filled out
some postcards for you.

All you have to do
is sign your name

and mail them back to us.

[ Car horn honks ]

Oh, there they are.

Where were you? You're late.

Mom wasn't feeling too well
this morning.

She and dad celebrated
last night.

All right, come on, mom.

We're late.

All right, Dave.

You carry the luggage.
I'll carry my head.

[ Foghorn blows loudly ]

Everybody check
your compartment number!

Hold it! Hold it!

Step aside!

I told you that's
compartment "a" on "c" deck!

I should be with dad.

You'll help dad later.

First, you're going to help me.

I have to lie down.

Look at that idiot.

He's going to the wrong place.

There are two girls in there.

There will be a scream
and another complaint.

Animals! They're all animals.

Come on, mom.
I think this is right.

This is it. Room 341.

Here, I'll take that, dear.

Now, remember, this is where
you'll find your father and I.

You go ahead and find out...

Three beds?

Well, that's just great.

Now I got to sleep
with you and dad!

Oh, no. You go on below.
Find your place.

I'll meet you up on deck.

The whole thing
is just a nightmare.

Looking for something, sister?


I was just trying to see
who this luggage belonged to.

The one you're holding
belongs to me.

You have to be careful

about going
through people's luggage.

There have been a lot of thefts
on these student ships.

Last year somebody
swiped my riding crop.

There seems to be
some sort of a mix-up here.

I think I'm going to speak
to the purser about it.

Look, were you assigned
here to "c" deck?

Yes, but my husband and I

specifically requested
a private compartment.

That should have caused
some tiny titters

at the reservation office.

"C" deck
is for the student tours.

On this deck
there is no private.

You have to bunch up.

You're bunching
with selkirk and ott.

We have a reservation.

Look, my husband works
for scene magazine.

Mr. Wax was supposed to get
us a special compartment.

We want to be together.

On "c," there's no together.

"C" is for cheap, crowded,
cramped, crummy.

But I was...

Look, I'm very busy.

I have enough troubles

trying to keep
these boys and girls apart.

What do you want to be
together for anyway?

You're married!

Hold it! I see that.

You little snips.

That's it. Look natural.

No, no.

Now, look, Gloria, these are
supposed to be student shots.

Would you try
to look like a student?

But lots of times I feel
more like a teacher.

Are you sure you're only 16?

They've been asking me
that since I was 11.

David, get me
the other camera, will you?

No, I want the wide-angle lens.

Dad, it's not loaded.

Then load it, David.

I'm sorry, pop.

Man, that photographer's
assistant is a real wimp!

He's my boyfriend.

Oh. Well, don't worry.


I mean, I'll show you
how to meet

lots of groovy guys on the ship.

I've been on these tours before.

Grif! Grif!

Dear, they put you and me
in different cabins.

Yeah, perfect.

You don't seem to understand.

I made all the arrangements,
but they changed them.

Girls, could I have

a little more animation
please, huh?

A couple of smiles... that's it.

Honey, didn't you hear me?

We're not
in the same compartment.

What do you want me
to do about it now?

I'm trying to get a shot
before I lose the sun.

We'll discuss it later.


Hi, honey.

Well, I got my shot.
Now, what's your problem?

You see these three beds?

Well, I'm in the top one,
and you're not in any of them.

You're clear on the other
side of the boat.

The ship.

Well, whatever it is.
You're not with me.

Well, honey, I can see
I'm just going to have to have

a nice, long talk
with the purser.

It won't do any good.

Mr. Henderson?

I thought I should
introduce myself.

You did?

I'm Nancy Leigh.

I'm the tour guide
you'll be working with.

You look too young
to be a tour guide.

You look more
like one of the students.

I'm Mrs. Henderson.

Pleased to meet you.

You're the guide, huh?

Uh-huh. Yup.

Grif, weren't you
going to speak to...

The purser, yes.

Well, I hope you'll excuse me.


He's crazy about guides.

I guess it's going to be
an imposition for you

having a photographer
along on the trip.

Oh, no! It will be great.

You'd be surprised
how tiring it gets

traipsing all over Europe
with teenagers.

It will be nice having
an adult to relate to.

Oh, well, yes,
he's a good relater.

Well, excuse me.

I've got a million things
to arrange.

Nice meeting you. Bye.

Bye, dear.

Oh, I left that hanging
on the...

[ romantic music plays ]

Ten glorious days
at sea together... ha!

I'm sorry about the cabin.

Maybe we should talk
to the purser again.

No, every time I go near him

he keeps saying
"c" deck, "c" deck.

It's only a few more days.

I'm bunking with two kids

who think it's hilarious
to hold belching contests

at 2:00 in the morning.

Just don't think about it.

Think about our very own house
on the French riviera.

By the time we get there,
we'll be strangers.

Come on. Come on.

Where you going?

I found a lover's Lane
right here on the ship.

I saw some kids
go there last night.

Oh, yeah?

[ Upbeat pop music plays ]

[ Music stops ]

I've never felt so old
in my life!

Well, grif,
maybe we could try the...

Maybe we could just
forget it, huh?

[ Music resumes ]

[ Snoring ]

[ Snoring continues ]

[ Belching ]

That's three points for me.

Take your best shot, Harvey.

[ Belching ]

Oh, Allen!

Come on, bootsie.

Allen, you're too much!

Oh, Allen!

Well, that's it.

I think I'll go in.

Oh, Jenny,
can I borrow your sun hat?

I want some more sun on my legs,
but not on my face.

Thanks. I forgot mine,

and all midge has
are baseball caps.

See you later.

[ Foghorn blows ]

Why did you
bite her in the neck?

I always bite you in the neck.

Why did you lend her your hat?

Purser: Animals!

Well, at least she's found
a champion in him.

You know, I think the whole
thing is pretty funny.

Yeah, I'm the scandal
of the ship.

You know what the kids
are calling me?

"Hickey" Henderson.

There you are, grif.

The girls are in the pool
having a water Polo match.

It would make a great picture.

I'll be right there.

I think
she's a little flatfooted.

Yeah, that's the first thing
I noticed about her.

Come on, Davey, it's your serve.

It's that Gloria Evans.

She's a bad influence on you.

Davey, let me live!

I don't want to play anymore.

What about all your talk
about freedom of the sexes?

You're right, bootsie.

There's no room in our
relationship for jealousy.

We're both young.

We got to experience life.

Well, if these things
make you a Fuller person,

well, that's good.

I want you
to go down to that pool

and spend some time with that
lifeguard and that sailor.

He's an ensign.

Our relationship
is built on trust.


You're so wise and good.

Dope! Idiot! Dum-dum!

I gave my girl away. Oww!

The whole family's
mentally sick.

The mother's a kleptomaniac,
the father's a masher,

and the son is a masochist.

You get all kinds at sea.

Honey, where are we going?

Come on, this way.

[ Laughing ]



Sweetheart, this is
our last night on board,

and I finally found
a little hideaway.

What? Isn't that a lifeboat?


You see, you're not so drunk.

I christen thee
the s.S. Da-da-da Dee dum.

No, honey. No, wait.
Save it for later.

You are right.

Up you go, dear. Right up there.

Up I go?

Up the ladder.

Oh, that's why I love you, dear.

You're so sophisticated.

This is ridiculous!

Nothing is too ridiculous
for hickey Henderson.

Grif! I'm trying!

There you go.

Here, take this.

I'm not dressed for this.

You should get
a picture of this.

Oh, I can't move!

My knee is hitting something.

I know. It's my throat.

Can't you move over
a little bit?

Shut up and kiss.

Oh! Ah!

I got a cramp in my leg.


Just straighten it out
and point your toe.

I can't.
It's hooked under that lever.

Don't move it.

I moved it!

[ Beeping ]

Ah, Griffith, we're moving!

I know we're moving.

Report to main deck.

Report to main deck.

Take life preservers.

Report to your boat station.

Just don't panic.

We must be sinking!

A purser doesn't have to go
down with his ship, you know.

Move swiftly
to designated areas.

Move swiftly
to designated areas.

[ Foghorn blows, alarm rings ]

Animals! They're all animals.

[ Accordion plays ]

It's a three-hour ride to Paris.

Think this bus will make it?

I once broke up with a guy
'cause he had a car like this.

All right, stick
your head out the window.

Honey! Don't do that.

The driver will take care of it.

Grif, do you think miss Leigh

minds my riding to Paris
with the group?

You can sit in my lap.

I don't think we should even
hold hands after last night.

At least
not in front of this crowd.


Now, be careful with that.

Very careful.

Bye, mom.

Bye, Davey.

Couldn't you stay just one
night with me in Paris?

Darling, if I miss this train,

there's not another one
until Saturday, dear.

Your tour is leaving tomorrow.

Besides, the train is cheaper
now than on the weekends.

Unless you want me
to try and rent a car.

I could drive down tomorrow.

No, no.

I don't want you driving
all that way by yourself.

Take the train.

[ Train whistle blows ]

That has to hold me
for a whole month.

Have you got the address
of the villa?

It's right here in my purse.

If you get lonely,
you've got the itinerary?


Well, let's find
your compartment.

Oh, honey, watch out for Davey.

Sure, he may work out.

he hardly dropped a thing.

[ Whistle blows ]


If anybody should call for me,

I'll be having a late supper
on lady montclair's yacht.

Well, fine.

And if anybody calls for me,

I'll be in the laundry room

or standing with dirty dishes.

I'll be so glad when France
becomes communist.

[ Doorbell rings ]

I'll get it.


Oh, my goodness!

Oh, it's beautiful.


Oh, I'm so glad
Davey's all grown up.

He won't break anything.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm just so thrilled
to finally get here,

I forgot my manners.

I'm Jenny Henderson.

I'm Phillipe maspere.

I'm glad to meet you.

Well, tilly said
there would be servants,

but I didn't expect...

I mean, Philip... Phillipe.

[ Whispering ] You don't have to
dress like this all the time.

Oh, thank you very much.

Oh... oh... oh!

No, no, I don't want to look
at another thing

until I've rested.

I'm just exhausted
from the trip.

First, I'm going to have
a nice, hot bath.

Where's the bathroom, Phillipe?

Bathroom? The bathroom.

Ah, right at the top
of the stairs.

Oh, thank you.

I'll take this bag.

Would you bring that one
up to my room, please?

Certainly, madame.

Madame, ah!

Oh, we are going to
get along marvelously.


Who is she?

I never saw her before
in my life.

She thinks I am a servant.

Yeah, after the next election
you might be.

Louis, what should I do?

What should he do?

Call lady montclair
and tell her you're not coming.

Oh, yes?

The American was very fresh
and lovely, wasn't she?

♪ Ya-da-da-Dee da-da-Dee ♪


A little welcoming ceremony.

Well, that's a very nice custom,

but in America
we just shake hands.

All right.
Then let's shake hands.

I am sorry!

You know, Phillipe,

I don't want to appear
autocratic or anything.

I mean, I'd really like
to be friends with you.

I used to have a girl
named Teresa.

She used to clean for me.

We were the best of friends,

but this has gone
a little too far.

But it hasn't gone anywhere yet.

Phillipe, just take the
glasses and things downstairs.

It was a nice idea, but I...

I just want to go
straight to bed.

She just wants to go to bed.

Can't figure it out.

He can't figure it out!

And the newspapers
call you a dashing playboy.

It's very simple.

She wants to go to bed.
Go to bed!

But it's so easy.
There's no chase.

You want a chase?

I will run around the house
a couple of times,

and you can chase me.
Then go up to bed!

Ooh, boy!



[ Gasping ] Ohh!

You're fired!

Yes, operator, it's 246-3911.
New York City.

I just don't understand it.

This is the address,

and I do have the receipt,
see, for $1,000.

I am truly sorry,
Mrs. Henderson,

but I assure you

my family has owned this house
for generations.

And I have rented to no one.

Well, the agency must be
able to clear this up.

Yes, operator,
I'm still holding.

By the way, Mrs. Henderson,

I am very sorry about
what happened upstairs.

Oh, that's all right.

I'm sorry
I called you a servant.

Oh, I didn't mean
that servant was bad.

I just meant that I...

Yes, operator, I'll speak
to anybody at the agency.

Make sure it's collect.

Well, they made the mistake.

They should pay for the call.

Oh, gee, I hope they're open.

It should be
about 10:00 in the morning

in New York City.

[ Telephone rings ]


I have a collect call
from Mrs. Jennifer Henderson.

Will you accept the charges?


Go ahead, please.

Is this continental rentals?

No, this is a park.


Who is this?


Well, is this...
Is this 246-3911?

Wait a minute.

Hello? Hello?
Hello, where did you go?

Is this circle-63911?


Is this an office, little girl?

I'm a big girl!

Yes, I know, darling,
but is this an office?

No, this is a park with trees
and bathrooms and stuff.

Are you sure?

Yeah, my daddy
brings me every Sunday.

Last Sunday, I fell off my bike
and skinned my tongue.

Is your daddy's name Mr. Tilly?

I don't know. I think it's Fred.


I just... I can't believe it.

Mr. Tilly
had such an honest face.

He gave me a receipt
and everything.

It could happen to anyone.

Those will be
my famous last words,

just before grif kills me.

Surely your husband won't
be that upset over $1,000.

Are you kidding? On my budget?

Do you know what $1,000 means?

He does not know.

He is a member
of the ruling classes.

That will be all, Louis.

I shouldn't be bothering you
with all of this.

If you'd just call me a cab,

I'm going to get
my things together.

You can't run around looking
for a room at this hour.

Tomorrow, you'll find a place.

Tonight, you stay here.

Oh, that's very kind of you,

but my husband
wouldn't like that...

Your being a bachelor
and everything.

I insist,

and if it will make you
feel more comfortable,

I'll even sleep
in the servants' quarters.

Only in a capitalist country

can a man be forced out
of his bed to sleep on a sofa!

Only in a capitalist country

does a man have a bed
and a sofa.

Louis, I have
a confession to make.

Now, I am a priest!

I like Mrs. Henderson very much.

I like it messy!

Something about her
interests me.


The fact I don't
interest her, I suppose.

No woman can be as content
as she seems.

But I need time to court her.

How can I make her stay
in the house?

Blow up her luggage.

It's ridiculous for you
to try and find a place now.

Everything has been
booked for months.

You found that out yourself
in New York.

I do have $1,000 left.

Oh, thank you.

I thought maybe a nice hotel.

For two months? Impossible.

I'll find something.

Let me make you
a proposition... my house.

I will rent it to you, and
I make you a fantastic offer.

$1,000 for the rest
of the summer.

But you live here.

This is my summer house.

I am only going to stay
about 10 days.

Then I have to get back to
Paris for my law practice.

While I am here,
I'll stay with Louis.

We're like brothers.

$500 a month
for this lovely house?



Oh, it's empty most of the time.

I might as well pick up
a little extra money.

You don't even
have to tell your husband

you were cheated in New York.

By the time he comes,
I'll be gone.

Oh, please say yes, Jenny.

That's what I like about Europe.

They don't cover everything up
with fig leaves.

I got a good idea, David.

Instead of carrying
the equipment,

why don't you just put it
on the floor

and kick it along?

Girls, will you quit
running off?

Now, come on,
it's been a long day,

and I want to get some shots of
you in front of the Mona Lisa.

Now, everybody
in the other room.

Hey, dad? I got an idea.

What is it?

Pin a peace button
on the Mona Lisa?

Come on, girls.
Now stick together, huh?

Never mind.

Now, look, Davey.
I'm sorry, son.

This job has me going crazy,

and I shouldn't
take it out on you.

Now, what's your idea?

I was just thinking,

the Mona Lisa has that
groovy smile and everything,

and well, she represents
love and young womanhood.

Well, I thought
it would be interesting

if we could see all the girls
trying to smile like her.

That bunch?

Well, that's a nice
idea, David, but...

Well, let's give it a try.

David, the equipment.

♪ It was written on my mind
like the back of an envelope ♪

♪ Rehearsed
and very carefully in reach ♪

♪ My cool-cucumber,
noncommittal speech ♪

♪ That I wrote while hanging out
down at the beach ♪

♪ And I shivered from the cold
of the ice in my granite heart ♪

♪ Knowing that
you didn't have a prayer ♪

♪ And then I rang the bell
and you were there ♪

♪ And darling,
then your face was full of me ♪

♪ And then your eyes were too ♪

♪ Your eyes were too ♪

♪ And I knew that you knew ♪

♪ That I knew that you knew ♪

♪ That I knew that you knew ♪

♪ That I knew that you knew ♪

♪ That I knew ♪

♪ I regained my self-control ♪

♪ And I tried to close
my big, fat mouth ♪

♪ Before "I love you"
fell out on the floor ♪

♪ I didn't feel like Batman
anymore ♪

♪ I hit my funny elbow
on the door ♪

♪ And then your brother asked
if I had money for a haircut ♪

♪ And the pimple on my neck
began to hurt ♪

♪ Suddenly, I wished
I'd changed my shirt ♪

♪ And darling,
then your face was full of me ♪

♪ And then your eyes were too ♪

♪ Your eyes were too ♪

♪ And I knew that you knew
that I knew ♪

♪ That you knew that I knew ♪

♪ That you knew that I knew ♪

♪ That you knew that I knew ♪

That should be
a good layout, Davey.

From now on,
you give me all your ideas.

Look, I'm going to catch up
with bootsie, huh?


Oh, grif.

Is everything okay?

Is there anything I can do?

You could reroute the tour
so I could see my wife.

There was a message from her
at the hotel.

She wants you to call.

Hey, it's the phone number
of the new house.

But, grif, we're leaving.

Hello, darling.

I've missed you so. How's Davey?

Fine, fine.

He's almost getting
to be a help.

How's the house?

Oh, it's beautiful... so big.

You have servants
to take care of it?

Oh, yes.

There's a servant here.

Mrs. Jennifer Henderson,
formerly of chillicothe, Ohio,

will be summering this season
at her villa on the riviera.

Oh, don't tease me, grif.

I know you've been against this
from the start.

Maybe you were right.

Hey, wait a minute.

I guess I have been
the voice of doom,

but as soon as I've finished
traipsing around with this gang,

I'm going to need a nice,
quiet house and you.

Grif, you remember how you
said I was scatterbrained,

and that I never could
set this whole thing up?

I was dead wrong!

You're a master
of international planning.

Well, honey, what if...
What if I told you...

Honey, I got to go.

We're leaving Paris
in a couple of hours.

I'll see you soon, baby.

It will be
like a second honeymoon.


Yes, she's still in her room.

Do you think
she'll like these flowers?

What does a slave know
about flowers?

Ask me about chains.

[ Knocking at door ]


Come in.

Are you all right, Jenny?


I'm sorry I've been hiding
in my room like a hermit,

but not telling grif
the truth upset me.

I had to think things out.

Grif is looking so forward to
this that I decided to stay.


Oh, that's quite simply
the French way

of officially welcoming you
to my house.


I kiss my brother that way
when he stays here.

And I hate my brother.

Oh, thank you.

The flowers are lovely.

So are you.

Phillipe, I've been working
on a household budget.

Now, as long as you're here,
we're going to split everything.

Here, here.

What is that?

A little present I bought you.

The riviera is a place
to laugh and have fun.

Forget budgets!

Aw, I'm sorry. I know.
I get carried away.

My mother was a librarian.

Oh, a bikini!

Well, it's beautiful.

Just a token.
It really isn't much.

No, it isn't much.

I mean, it's lovely. Thank you.

I'll take you
to the beach tomorrow,

and you can wear it.

Wear it?

Oh, no. No, I couldn't do that.

Grif wouldn't like it.

He wouldn't like you
in a bikini?

No! No!

Your husband?
He isn't a little ah...

No, he isn't a little...

He'd love to see me
wear a bikini... alone.

It's just that he wouldn't
want to see me wearing it

for anybody else to see me.

Oh, you can wear it tonight.

A little moonlight dip
in the pool.

On, no... Not tonight.
I'm still a little tired.

All right, whatever you like.

We have plenty of time.


Hey, how about a little
good-night kiss, huh?

Like a brother?

Well, that's how I always
said good night to my brother.

What a disgusting country
you come from.

[ Whistling ]


All right, now.

Let's try and do it together,
on the count of three.

One... two... three.

[ Shouting ]

My daddy paid a lot of money
to send me on this tour!

We weren't supposed to work.

Why don't you take
your daddy's money and...

Let's take a 10-minute break.

Get some soft drinks, penny!

Penny! Oh, penny! Penny!

What the heck
is keeping that Paul?

He said he was going to try
to find a tractor.

Well, that shouldn't be
too much trouble for him.

He found the only muddy spot
in the whole road.

David, maybe if I lifted up
on the back of the bus,

you could get some
of these twigs and leaves

to stick under the wheel, huh?

Oh, boy.

Grif, let me help.

You better not, Nancy.
It's a big bus.

Well, let's lift together.

On the count of three.

Turn the wheel over.

One... two... three.

Oh, this is ridiculous!

Wouldn't you know it?
Are you all right?


I'd pay $20 for a mudpack
like this in New York.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.

Here, you missed a little spot.

You're a great sport, Nancy.

You really are.

Just like mom.

Mom's a great sport,
isn't she, Davey?

[ Easy-listening music plays ]

I told you I was the fastest
runner in the girl scouts.

I was the slowest messenger
in the French underground.

I run with my son
to keep in shape.

He's on the school track team.

Oh, yes. Your son.
How old is he?


Okay, girls, our rooms
are on the second floor.

Out of the bar.

All right, girls,
out of the bar.

You heard miss Leigh.

Good evening, sir.

We welcome your tour
to San Romano.

Will this get to
cap d'ognion by tomorrow?


What is that?

It symbolizes love and peace.

You want to make something
of it?

Second floor.

Out of the bar.
Now stay out of there.

Are you sure you're only 16?

Oh, Phillipe, wait.

I want to save the address
on the envelope.

I'm sorry.

That's all right.

Thank you.

I have bad news, Jenny.

I must interrupt my relentless
campaign to seduce you.

I have to drive to Milan
tomorrow morning very early.


Yes, one of my clients has
a warehouse that burned down.

Why, that's awful.

Especially since
the police discovered

he was the one
who burned it down.

But I'll be back
tomorrow afternoon,

very early, for my party.


Phillipe, wait.

Could I go with you?

Go with me?

But of course, darling,
you can go with me.

I have been such a fool!

Naturally you would have
nothing to do with me here,

here in the house...

The very bedroom you
and your husband will share.

But a little trip away

That is different, eh?

Oh, no, no.

Phillipe, you don't understand.

I only want to go
as far as San Romano.

Yes, what's in San Romano?


Well, I just have
a letter from him now.

The tour is there for two days,
and it's on the way to Milan.

I could take the train back.

Oh, no, no.

Are you sure you're going
to tell him the truth...

About my house and me?

If he says
what I think he'll say,

this may be goodbye, Jenny.

Like a brother.

Like a very good friend.


Excuse me.

Is a Mr. Grif Henderson
registered here?

Yes, but it is early
in the morning.

Oh, yes, I know.

Could you just give me
the key to his room?

[ Whispering ] I want to
sneak up and surprise him.

This is not that kind of hotel.

Children stay here.

Oh, no, you see,
I'm Mr. Henderson's wife.

Well, how do I know
you are Mrs. Hen...

Hello, Mrs. Henderson!

The key.

Oh, thank you.

Good night... good morning.

Arrivederci or something.



♪ Da-da-da Dee dum da Dee dum ♪

[ Marching band plays ]

Honey, I hate to take off
like this,

but the tour is leaving for
ganocci for the art festival

and I'm late already.

That's my husband. Hit and run.

Oh, honey.

I was just kidding.

Sorry about that.

You can stay here tonight.

No, no.
We won't be back till late.

As a matter of fact,
we may stay overnight.

Well, maybe you should
go back to the house.

Um, honey, about the house.

Honey, why don't you run down
and see Davey?

He's just down the hall. He's bunking
with a kid who's driving the bus.

Yes, I will, dear,

but first I want to talk
to you about the house.

Yeah, what about it?
It sounds great.

Well, it is, but before
I tell you about it,

take the razor away
from your throat.

Grif, there is no house.

I was cheated in New York
when I rented it,

and when I got there,

it was owned by a lawyer
who had never heard of us.

Well, say something.

[ Mimicking Jenny ] It will
be so wonderful, grif.

We'll have our very own house
for the summer on the riviera.

Jenny, how could you?

Hey, hey, wait a minute.

If there is no house,
where you been the last week?

At the house!

You see, dear... Phillipe was
so upset about my being cheated

that he said I could stay
at the house anyway.

Phillipe who? Phillipe what?
Phillipe where?

Phillipe maspere.
He owns the house.

Well, there was no other
place within my budget

so he said I could stay there.

A perfect stranger gave you
his house for nothing?

No, I have to give him
the other thousand

but, well,
it's his summer house.

Well, it's summertime.

Why is he renting it to you?

He said he's practically
never there.

Well, I guess he just figures

that he can pick up
a fast thousand for nothing.

The point is we do definitely
have the house for the summer?

Oh, yes. If we want it.

Of course we want it.

Why wouldn't we want it?

You had me scared there
for a minute.

You lucked out again.

You mean it's all right
for me to stay in the house

with a perfect stranger?

I thought you said
he was never there.

Well, he has been lately.

Of course, there's
a servant named Louis,

but Phillipe is
an unmarried frenchman.

Honey, don't sound like
every old-maid schoolteacher

that comes to France.

They think every frenchman
is a sex maniac.

You're getting vain
in your old age.

Now, baby,
I didn't mean it that way.

I just meant that you're
the mother of a teenage son.

Nobody's going to grab you.

Hey, dad, they're all ready.

Mom, what are you doing here?

Hello, sweetheart!

You said you wouldn't come
on the tour and spy on me.

Honey, I wasn't going
to spy on you.

Davey, your mother
came to see me.

Yeah, but she said
she'd stay at the house.

Well, I'm going back.

Oh, groovy.

Well, I'll see you
in a few weeks.

Mom, would you just not
kiss me like that.

Like what?

You know, that cheek against
the face, checking for fever.

I'm not a baby anymore.

Now that he's got a father
to talk to,

he doesn't need his mom as much.

We're buddies.

That's what
you wanted, isn't it?


Come on, grif.

Let's go find
another mud puddle.

Mrs. Henderson,
what are you doing here?

I came to see my husband.

My husband is dressing.

What's that about mud puddles?

That was just a little joke.

You have little jokes?

Hi, Nancy!


Mrs. Henderson, are you
coming to ganocci with us?

Because, if you are,

I'll have to try
and make room on the bus.

No. No, I'm not...
I'm not going.

You don't need me along.

Oh, well, fine. Nice seeing you.

Hey, grif, I'll save you
a seat on the bus.

Bye, Mrs. Henderson.

Now, honey, I'll be at
the house before you know it.

And be sure and be nice
to that frenchman.

I don't want him
going back on the deal.

Come on, girls.
The bus is leaving.

Goodbye, old girl.

Old girl.

[ Marching music plays ]


Jenny, you wore the bikini!

You look magnificent!


Of course.

No, no.

You're breathtaking.

Thank you.

Have you come to join the party?

Yes, I certainly have.

Mother's going to have some fun!

Hi, dad.

Hi, Davey.

Did you see Paul around?

We were supposed to go
to the concert together.

You're not going with bootsie?

No, no. We had another argument.

She went with some art student.

Oh, well.

Well, I know what
you need, son... a drink.

No, dad, please.

No, I insist.

We've never had a drink
together before.

Now, sit down.

It's a big moment
in a boy's life

when he has
his first drink in a bar.

Two more of the same, please.

Look, dad,
if it's okay with you...

I'd rather have a scotch mist
with a lemon twist.

Two of those.

Hey, dad...

Did you ever date any girls
before you met mom?

Oh, sure, Davey.

Your mother didn't find me
in a monastery, you know.

Well, I just don't
understand them.

One minute I'm just perfect
with bootsie, then wham!

You know,
I've given her honesty,

and we shared everything.

I always thought trust
was the basis

for all meaningful

Only with your dog.
You can't trust women.

Your mom is the one
exception to the rule.

Now, just what's so
different about mom?

She's capable of doing
some pretty stupid things.

She's a woman.

She's not a woman, Davey.
She's mom.

And so, the other sailor said,
"you can have my duck."

[ Laughing ]

He likes it.

Dad, I wish mom would
treat me like this.

If your mother ever told you
a joke like that, I'd kill her!

I don't mean that way.

I wish she'd treat me
like a grown-up.

She never does.

Now, Davey, you have to
look at it this way.

The parent-child relationship
is a difficult one.

Every parent at one time
or another, you know,

when the child, you know,
is just a few months old...

They give them a little
kiss on the Fanny.

I'm leaving.

I'm trying to explain something.

Now, when the child gets
a little older, you know,

and they start treating him
like a grown-up,

well, at the weirdest moments,
you remember that little kiss.

It's like, well, you know,

when you're having
your first drink together.


Look, Davey.

Davey, do you want
to understand parents?

You have to remember one thing.

It's hard to forget

that you kissed a person
on the behind.

David, ready to go?

Oh, hi, Paul. Yeah.

Well, bye, dad.
Thanks for the drink.


Dad, look, why don't you
come along with us?

No, you go ahead, Davey. Go on!

That's my boy.

Hey, pal.
My italian's not too good.

What does that say?

It's about Phillipe maspere.

Yeah, I know him.

Well, I don't know him.
I know his name.

We're renting his summer house.

He's a very famous lawyer
all over Europe.

He won another case today.

Which one is he? The fat one?

No, he's the handsome one.

Even more widespread
than his fame with the law

is his fame with the ladies.

Oh, yeah?

They say that half the
divorce cases he handles...

He is the cause!

[ Laughing ] I love jokes!

My wife is living with him.


I don't mean living with him.

She's just staying
in the same house.

I told her it was all right.

You allowed your wife to
stay with Phillipe maspere?

Enzo! Antonio!

[ Speaking italian ]

[ Laughing ]

Excuse me, I have to rent a car.

We have several requests today.

Nothing available
until tomorrow.

When's the next train
to cap d'ognion?


Oh, I better take a cab.

Taxi! Taxi!

Jenny wouldn't do
anything wrong.

She tried to tell me the truth.

Nothing to get excited about.

If there's nothing
to get excited about,

why am I talking to myself?

What do these capitalists
know about fancy dancing?

Of course, there's nothing wrong
with talking to yourself,

as long as nobody's listening.

I got to be reasonable.

It's not her fault

she had to move in
with this guy.

Unless she planned it this way
from the start.


Oh! Whoo-hoo!

Oh, where are you going?

Why don't you stay?

I just opened some champagne.

You probably couldn't tell that.
Stay and have some champagne.

Oh, what a marvelous night.

I hate to see it end.

Maybe it's just beginning.

No, Phillipe.

I'm vulnerable tonight.

Listen to me, Jenny.

Sometimes I play
the empty-headed, romantic fool.

But I know exactly
what you are going through.

You do?

The way you were tonight...
The bikini, dancing, drinking.

That's not the real Jenny.

You've been rejected
by those you love,

and you overreact by flinging
aside all your old values.

But inside... inside you are
very confused and troubled.

Only a beast
would take advantage of you

in this situation.

Oh, Phillipe!

Fortunately, I'm a beast.

Uh, let's take a swim!

No, no, let's stay here.

I'll tell you a secret
I rarely tell anyone.

I don't know how to swim.

Well, I'll teach you!

I bet she planned the whole
thing right from the start.

Oh, boy, I'm talking to myself
pretty good now.

She probably met him
in the states.

He travels a lot.

It was some cocktail party.

We're always going
to cocktail parties

with a bunch of foreigners
hanging around!

Just roll over, dear.

All right.

No, your arm goes in front.
That's it.

Who the hell knows how long
this thing's been going on?

I remember some French guy
hanging around at our wedding!

I want to show you how to float.

You should know how to float.

What's that, float?

Lie on your back, dear. Over!

You got a good stroke.
I'll tell you that.



Grif, dear.

Honey! Grif! What are you doing?

Grif, you don't seem
to understand.

Honey, I was just
teaching him how to swim.

In the nude?

Typical American husband...
Foolish, jealous, and a prude!



Wait, dear. Grif!

Grif, have you gone crazy?

I must have been crazy to let
you carry on with this guy

behind my back for 15 years!

15 years?! Where are you going?

To get drunk!

Are you all right, Jenny?

Yes. How did you
swim away so fast?

I am a fast learner?

Grif! Grif!

Where are you going?

Oh, Louis.

Louis, are you going into town?

Follow that bus!

Push me!

[ Panting ]

That's it, Louis.
Just keep pedaling, dear.

Stay in there.

I thought he came this way.

Do you see the bus anywhere?

How can a dead man see?

Oh, there he is!

[ Door shuts ]

Better get those pants off.

I'm not interested, honey.

Now, grif, we are going
to sit here,

and we're going to discuss
this whole thing intelligently.

Oh, excuse me!

Good night, lady godiva!

Griffith Henderson,
if you walk out on me,

I'll never speak to you again.

I'm walking!

Jenny! Jenny!

You really are an amazing woman!

You can act huffy and indignant

after having an affair
behind my back for 15 years!

What 15 years?

Don't try to fool me, Jenny.

I know that you've been
carrying on with this guy

since the day we were married!


I distinctly remember
some French guy

lurking around in the background

the day we were married!

You idiot. That was the caterer!

Was he French?

I never laid eyes on Phillipe
until one week ago.

And if the fact that
he's French bothers you,

it certainly should,

because the French know how to treat
a woman, how to appreciate her,

how to make her feel
like she's still a woman

and not take her for granted!

You know how
to print postcards, too!

Boo! Boo!

I don't know when you've had
time to build up

all these jealous
fantasies of yours.

I thought you were much
too busy with miss Leigh.

Miss Leigh happens to be a
very fine young lady who I...

Wait a minute!

Don't try that old trick
with me!

What old trick?

You're guilty as hell,
so you try to make me think

I've got something
to be ashamed of.

Well, I'm not the one
who's running around

flaunting my bellybutton!

A bikini is a very
acceptable piece of apparel!

Then I'll take off my pants,

and we can run
around the streets together!

All of a sudden
the bikini is lewd.

Am I supposed to shrivel up
and wear a shawl

just because I'm your wife?

You are a middle-aged mother!

[ Gasping ]


Sir, is this the body
of a middle-aged mother?


Are you happy?

You just proved you have
the power to drive men mad!

I want to go home!

You stick around long enough,

you can be pin-up girl
of the French foreign legion.

There is no more
French foreign legion!

For you they'll
get together again!

I meant I want to go
to my home in New York!

Who's waiting in New York?

Lawyers are waiting in New York!

Why are you so hot for lawyers?

Divorce lawyers!

D-divorce lawyers?

Are you, uh...

Are you driving back
to San Romano?

Yeah, I guess so.

Good. I'll go with you.

I'm taking Davey home with me.

You're not taking Davey

A boy should be with his
mother when his parents...

When things like this happen.

Not if his mother is a nudist.



I don't even like French bread!

May we please stop at the house

and pick up my clothes?


You want to say a last goodbye
to lucky Pierre, right?

Forget about stopping
at the house.

No, you better change clothes.

I don't want Davey to see his
mother in a nudie costume.

Oh, you and your

♪ da-da Dee dum da-dum da-dum ♪

And all that talk about
aprons and kumwawa skirts...

It's kumawa.

Kumawa and lifeboats,

and then I wear one
very normal bikini and you...

You know what you are?

You're a narrow-minded prude.

You wore it with another man!

Even the Marquis de sade
had his limits.

Don't stop at the house.

I want Davey to see me in this!

Don't be ridiculous!

Grind your gears all you want.

My son is not a stuffy
hypocrite like you are.

I want him to decide
if his mother is indecent.

Must you go so fast?

Are you going to
back-seat drive from there?

Boy, I'm going to...

[ Speaking italian ]

[ Siren wails ]

Buona séra.

Buona séra.

Where is the fire?

Was I overdoing the speed limit?

I didn't see any signs.

No comprende inglése.

Where is the fire?

There is no fire.

No comprendo.

They obviously
don't speak english.

Show them your license.

I was going to. There.


No tiene license italiana?

Ooh, no tiene license italiana?

No license per autobus?

No license per autobus?

And no fire!


I did not know I was going
over the speed limit.

Where is the fire?

[ Humming ]

What, are you bribing him?

It's the international language.

It's the only way
we'll get out of this mess.


[ Speaking italian ]

Okay, pal, here.

[ Speaking italian ]

He's got the license number.

I think he thinks
the bus is stolen.

Why do Americans think

if you shout at people
that don't speak english

they'll understand?

I am not in the mood

for a lecture
on international relations.

I was just trying to keep
this guy from grabbing you.

Of course, this new woman
you've become may enjoy it.

I'm going to call Phillipe.
He's a lawyer.

You make one move
to call that guy,

and I'll break
your dialing finger!

[ Shouting in italian ]

Where is the fire?

Another one
who can't speak english!

I speak english very well.

See, the other gentlemen,
all they could say was...

Where is the fire?

I know. I taught them.

It's a nice touch when giving
a ticket to tourists.

Come on, let's get
this thing settled, huh?

You are charged
with driving with no license,

no autobus license,
stealing the autobus.

You forgot speeding.

[ Speaking italian ]

We drop the charge for speeding.

Now look, if you...

Calm yourself.

If you will just call
the San Romano hotel,

they will tell you that
I'm with the student tour.

Sorry, but we
received a complaint

from a miss Nancy Leigh
that the bus was stolen.

It's borrowed!

We have your
identification, signóre.

Do you have some
identification, signórina?


I didn't bring anything
that I know of.


Dressed like that, signórina,

you must have run away
very fast.

Like when stealing a bus.

Look, I know my rights!
Will you call the hotel?

These are complicated
charges, signóre.

You will tell your story
to the chief of police.

I thought you were
the chief of police.

No, I am only
the assistant chief of police.

That's why
I have to work nights.

We're not staying here
all night.

Now, you get on the phone
and call the chief at his house.

I can't do that.

His wife thinks
that he works nights.

[ Speaking italian ]

Well, now, wait a minute.

Where do you think
you're taking her?

To the women's cells...
Very nice, very clean.

I demand you release us at once!

I don't like you so very much!

You are a dangerous type.

I think I will fingerprint you
before we lock you up!

Ink pad, ink pad!

You want my fingerprints?

File that!

[ Women shouting ]


[ Speaking italian ]

No capice italian.

Inglése? Americàna?




Oh. Hello.

My name Maria.

Oh, my name is Jenny.


You speak english?

Where you picked up?

Oh, on a bus.

You work buses?
That's dangerous.

I'm an American tourist
who was caught by mistake.

Listen, Maria, I need some help.

I have to get out of here.

Can you arrange a telephone?


Listen, telephone.

[ Shouting ]

Maybe Mr. Agatzi help you.

You wait. I see.

[ Women shouting ]


Where you go?

I'm going with...

[ speaking italian ]

You come house, make call.

Oh, may I use your telephone?

That's very nice of you.
Yes, thank you.

For this one I get 20,000 lira.

You sure you are 16?

I was born 16.

So what are you doing?

Sit and wait

for your girl to finish
having a good time, huh?

Look, I do what I want.

It is not good for a woman

to see a man
sit and wait for her.

Sure, many times you have to
sit and wait for a girl,

but you don't have to
let her see.

Take you to a dance,
meet some real women?

Do you know a dance this late?

It's almost morning.

I know everything.

A bus driver's
like a cab driver,

only with more gears.

Vroomm... vroomm!

[ Speaking italian ]

Well, I think
we're all straightened out.

They went to get Jenny.

Yeah, finally.

I had to bribe the guard
with my watch

just to make a phone call.

I ought to leave Jenny
in there all night.

That would knock some
sense into her head.

I take it you had a little spat.

Oh, no, no spat.

Just a knock-down,
drag-out battle.

Maybe to the finish.

I don't want to bother you
with my problem.

I guess I've already
ruined your evening.

Not really.

The fellow I was with
already ruined my evening.

Seems like all italian men
want to do

is talk about their mothers.

Seems like all the good men
are married.

Nancy, I think
you've been drinking.

Grif, you know what's sad?


Well, learning to speak
six different languages

and then not finding anybody
you want to talk to

in any of them.

I guess you know
I'm making a pass.

I'm sorry, Nancy.

Well, you could have
at least hesitated a second.


Signóre, your wife is gone.

Gone? She broke out?

Nobody breaks
out of San Romano jail.

The guard said she went with
signóre agatzi and the girls.

The guy who was over here
in the fancy suit?


Well, isn't he a...



Well, it's beautiful for a...

It's decorated magnificently.

Sí, sí. Come in my office.

I think I should go back
to the hotel.

Oh, it's okay.

As soon as your friends
bring bail money,

Mr. Agatzi lets you go.

Oh, all right.

You telephone.

It really is a lovely place.

And it has magnificent antiques.

This is where the tourists
should shop.

Many do.

Oh, really?

Aren't you coming with us?

No. You telephone.

Ciào. See you later.

This is my office.

Well, it's lovely.

It's very authentic.

Come, come, come.

Are you sure
you not like work for me?

Oh, no.

Listen, I let you keep half.

It's the best deal
I ever give any girl, hmm?

Oh, thank you.
I'm very flattered.

No, I'm insulted.

Mr. Agatzi, could I just use
your telephone, please?

Such a waste!

All right.

Yes, please use my telephone,
have a drink,

make yourself comfortable.

Ah, thank you.

Mr. Agatzi,
may I ask you a question?

How did you get into this bus...

I mean, what did you do before?


Hey, Gina!

Paul, you told me
it was a dance!

You can dance if you want to.

I'm leaving.
I'll wait for you outside.

Wait! Sit here.

I'll have one drink,
three or four pinches,

and then we'll go, huh?


No, Davey.

[ Whispering ] Maria. Maria.

Come here, come here.

Maria, I can't get through.

I have to get out
to clear things up.

Can you help me?

I'll pay Mr. Agatzi back.
I promise.

That door... go to street.
You go.

No let agatzi see you.

Thank you. Goodbye, Maria.

I miss you, Jenny.

Next time I come up,
I'll call you.

Sí. Ciào.


Davey, what are you doing
in a place like this?

Well, mom, what are you doing?

Excuse me, miss. Excuse me.

You come with me, young man!

What are you doing here?

Yes, I've spent most of my life
on the high seas.

But I've never been
completely happy

since I left the queen Mary.

Yes, I really miss the big lady.

[ Whispering ]
There's no one here.

She change her mind!


Now, now listen.

I was just waiting for Paul.

Davey, I don't want you
hanging around here.

It's not the kind of...

Let's get out of here.

We're going home.


I'm going back to New York,

and I'd like you to go with me.

Back to New York?
Is dad going, too?

Well, no,
he's completing the tour.

He wants you to stay with him.

What's going on?

What are you doing here
and where's dad?

Oh, Davey,
it's just so complicated.

It started at the villa and I...

Do you think I look terrible
in this bathing suit?

I mean, are you ashamed of me?


You just don't look
like a real mom.

Thank you.

Believe it or not, Davey,

I don't always
want to look like a real mom.

Is that what you argued about?

It's partly that,
and it's partly...

Davey, you just
wouldn't understand.

Look, I understand
a lot of things now.

You want to treat me
like a baby.

Well, let me tell you something.

There's a couple
of girls out there

who don't think I'm such a baby!

David Henderson!

Look, they thought
I was real cute.

I could have gone
with any one of those girls.

That doesn't prove you're a man!

Your father's quite a man.

Well, you'd never catch him
in a place like this!

Buona séra.
You like a nice ragàzza?

No, I don't want a nice ragàzza!

You got a blonde girl here

wearing a trench coat
and a bikini?

No, but I got a redhead with
high boots and a helmet.

Hey, you! You!

Where's the blonde girl
you took out of jail?

Bellisima! 20,000 lira.

I'll wrap 20,000 lira
around your neck!

Now, where is she?

But you cannot see her now.

She is working!

Working? Where?

Room eight.

[ Speaking italian ]

I know that man. He's a pervert!

40,000 lira!

Dad! Grif!

Watch it!

Hello, sweetie!



It's like
we're out in the streets!

Oh, I hope it's a fake!


David, watch it!

That's my boy!

What inning is it?

[ Bleating ]

[ Speaking italian ]

You really let yourself go!

Ugly, ugly American!


Wait! Wait!



Oh, my goodness!

[ Shouting ]

Would you get to a phone
and call for a crane?

I'll be right back.

You brought my wife into this?

Will you see

if Mrs. Henderson's
called for that crane?

Honey, wake up! It's Christmas!

Yeah, that's me, that's me!

That's the big guy I hit.

Look. Look at it.

It's a little out of focus.

They should have used a 35 lens.

Davey, did you see this?

Oh, you did.

Well, what were you doing
in a place like that?

Honey, look.
I let you do what you want.

A guy has a right
to get around a little, too.

Besides, we came here
to learn about life.

Well, you could spend
a little bit of time with me.

Well, we've got a little
bit of time now.

Come on, let's get a soda.

Not too long, okay?

I think I'm going to take
Gloria to the beach.

You wouldn't dare!

Bootsie, let me live!

When I saw you in that
bikini with Phillipe,

I suddenly realized
that after all these years

I could still lose you.

Oh, no, you can't.

How much did agatzi offer you?

[ Slap! ]

Oh, do that again.


♪ How sweet it is, girl ♪

♪ When I'm walkin' down the
sidewalk and I suddenly know ♪

♪ Whose street it is, girl ♪

♪ And it doesn't really matter
which way I go ♪

♪ I found the magic moment
in my life ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ And I'll lay it down ♪

♪ All is cool ♪

♪ How sweet it is, girl ♪

♪ When you love someone
the way that I love you ♪

♪ Love you ♪

♪ How sweet it is, girl ♪

♪ When I'm dancin' with you,
baby, and I cannot decide ♪

♪ Which beat it is, girl ♪

♪ The one that I'm hearin'
or the one that's inside ♪

♪ You've got to have a lover
in your life ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I know
'cause I've been around ♪

♪ I'm no fool ♪

♪ How sweet it is, girl ♪