How Sweet It Is (2013) - full transcript
An alcoholic theater owner needs to put together a successful musical in order to pay off his mob debt, but problems arise when the wise guys want to cast their friends in the production.
♪ Men walked these city streets ♪
♪ Like music on a sheet ♪
♪ With buildings like chords ♪
♪ How the melody soared ♪
♪ Before we lost the beat ♪
♪ A series of tired rhymes ♪
♪ Clinging to father time ♪
♪ Statues tinted with rust ♪
♪ Aching, covered in dust ♪
♪ But there's just enough ♪
♪ Left to shine ♪
♪ We still have a song to sing ♪
♪ It has seen much better days ♪
♪ But we cling to ♪
♪ The story and its former glory, yes ♪
♪ There's still a song to sing ♪
♪ How sweet it could be ♪
♪ With you ♪
- You don't look like your picture.
- The lighting's different out here.
- So, how does this work?
- 20 to see it, 50 to touch.
- 50?
- That's what I said.
- Oh, please, please.
I wanna touch it.
- Fine, fine.
Ah, ah, ah.
I wanna see it first.
- Why?
- To make sure it's real.
- Believe me, it's real.
Like your headshot was real?
- Ooh, burn.
- Back at my place.
- Oh, sorry, I messed up your...
- Stand back.
Oh!
- Good enough?
- "For excellence in theater."
Oh, I watched you win this on TV.
It's like looking into the eyes of God.
- What do you say, $500?
- What, to buy it?
- Oooh, really?
Oh, Grant, you are so sweet!
- I'm negotiating!
Quiet.
- He wants me to be quiet.
- It's not for sale.
- 1,000.
Shh.
Jack, you obviously need the money.
And I need an anniversary
gift for my husband.
- Oh, you remembered.
- How could I forget?
Why don't you say we
help each other out, hmm?
- Two grand.
- That's $2,000.
He knows what it is.
And two grand.
- I feel dirty.
- Yeah, well, use the money
to buy some disinfectant.
You happy?
- Oh, grant, I could float home.
- That's great.
Don't ever get married.
- Yeah.
- When will we see
another Cosmo production?
Never.
- Oh!
- Wow, jeez, that hurt.
- Told ya.
- You know, we should wear
gloves when we do this.
- I don't know.
Wearing gloves could make us look stupid.
But then this
wouldn't hurt so much.
Honestly, I think I chipped a knuckle.
Anyway, I'm gonna talk to my
father about those gloves.
What's the matter, Jack?
You okay, man?
We're not trying to kill you or nothing.
I'm just trying to prove
a point about the gloves.
- I'm alive.
- Well, good, good.
This is where you live, huh?
Ay, what do you think when you
look around this apartment?
- Credit risk.
- Credit risk, exactly.
Now, you see if my father would
listen to me when we
talk these things over,
I wouldn't have to chip my
knuckle on your face, Jack.
- Wait, I got it.
I got a payment.
I got a payment, here.
Look, I got two.
I got two.
- You got two G's?
Tim, what's that joke about that slut
you went to high school with?
- Like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?
- That's the one.
But, Jack, two G's
is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.
Two G's is like three months ago.
- Just take it, I'll get you more.
And if you fine gentlemen
are interested in an original
Grammy, I could cut you a deal.
- Now, you see, kicking
doesn't hurt much at all.
From now on, I'm a kicker.
Note it.
- Noted, boss.
- Uh, Jack, you see, if it was up to me,
I will put two bullets
in the back of your head.
Especially because I got
this handy new silencer,
which I'm dying to try out, you know,
because I'm wondering if it's gonna
sound like the one in the movies.
But, it's not up to me.
It's up to my father.
And my father is--
- Old-fashioned?
- Well, I was gonna say senile,
but that works, too.
You see, my father's the kinda guy
who likes to look a man in
the eyes while the hired help
crashes his brain in with a brick.
It's quaint, really.
Anyway, come on, get him up.
Let's get out of here.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait!
I need to ask you something.
Do you know what I did before this?
- Yeah, you were a degenerate gambler.
- No, before that.
- Never crossed my mind.
- I was a director.
- Fancy that.
- And before that, I was a choreographer.
- You mean like a, one
of them foo-foo guys?
- You know, with the--
- Mike, you all right, man?
- I wasn't expecting that.
Tell you one thing, the guy is limber.
Hey, hey, put the guns down.
I got something more fun
- Jack?
- Sarah, Sarah, I, I
don't have a lot of time.
- Oh, you're dying, again.
- I just wanted you to know that that I--
- Hey, director, drop it.
- Oh!
- Give me another one.
Oh!
- You gotta adjust for the wind, boss.
- No, we're going about this all wrong.
Yes!
Thank you, uncle Sal.
Is he dead?
He's not dead.
He's damaged, but not dead.
- See, I don't like to get to know you.
It makes it messy.
I prefer it when you are just a number,
not a someone.
But you took it upon
yourself to become a someone
with a 130 large debt!
And your bookie, that moron, my nephew,
he was stupid enough to let
the debt get to that point.
You know what I done to him?
- I'm still a little nauseous
from that concussion,
so if it's really gross,
please don't tell me.
- I cut off his big toes.
- Oh, hell!
- Don't throw up on my rug!
That's an $11,000 rug!
I took it off a cripple
who loved lap dances
in one of my clubs.
I could never figure out
how the debt got so large.
He couldn't feel anything.
Sorry.
It's a sin to judge.
Anyway, after we drowned him,
I kept the chair.
You never felt so comfortable.
- That's sick.
- I have a standing policy.
For 25,000, I break your arms.
For 50,000, I break your legs.
For 100,000, I do something really awful.
But a number like yours, 130 large,
I gotta come up with
something spectacular here.
- If you kill me, you'll
never get your money back.
- I got plenty of money.
What I don't have is entertainment.
You're my entertainment.
What's your name?
- You said I was just a number.
- It's Cosmo, boss.
Jack Cosmo.
- Jack Cosmo?
I don't believe it.
- I'm Jack Cosmo.
- Jack Cosmo's running up a debt
with me for nine months and
none of you morons tell me?
I can't believe it, you're Jack Cosmo.
- I'm sorry, do you know me?
- Haha.
You're a fan?
- Am I a fan?
"I love you, Betty!
"You're the radishes in my chicken soup."
Eh?
- "Candy-colored Glasses."
- "Candy-colored Glasses."
I was there opening night.
I was there the night after.
I conceived my daughter
listening to your soundtrack.
She's fat and has a hunchback.
I don't blame you.
- Uh, I'm, I'm glad it worked out.
- I would like to shake your hand.
Untie this man, you morons.
Your music and your
words saved me at a time
when I didn't know what
I wanted out of life.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- And you chose this?
- I owe everything to you.
Everything.
- Well, I don't know what to say.
- You ought to sit down.
- Yeah.
- Now, I want you to know
that the 130 large is paid.
Done.
I can't take money from you.
I ought to be paying you.
Gregory, give him everything
you got in your pocket.
- That's not really necessary.
You, you--
Really?
- Lemon-flavored.
They started making those four years ago.
- Shocker.
Just forgiving the debt
is more than enough.
- Where did you go?
I mean, it's been 10 years, right,
since the last production?
- Show business makes
what you do for a living
seem like daycare.
You know, I'm just saying.
- That's funny.
America needs that line.
- So, I'm cleared and free to go?
- Jack Cosmo.
- I'll just grab some breakfast
and go back to my place--
- Jack Cosmo!
- I'm sorry, is there something
that you're trying to tell me?
- I have in mind an idea for a show.
- Oh, god.
Damn.
Uh, why don't we get together next week?
We'll talk about it.
I'd be happy, love to hear it.
But right now, I'll just kinda--
- You see, it's about a guy.
- That's a great start.
- He's a drunk, a problem drinker.
But funny.
- Alcoholism is hysterical.
- Yeah.
Now one day, he gets bunked on the head.
He enters into this dream state
in the second act.
- Okay.
- And he finds out that
he is addicted to--
- Alcohol.
- Candy.
- Candy?
- Yeah.
See candy is the metaphor for alcohol.
- Ah.
- And in the dream state,
he learns about himself,
why he is an alcoholic.
- Candyholic.
- Yeah, candyholic.
And when he wakes up, he's healed.
He is no longer An alcocandyholic.
- Pretty powerful dream.
- The most powerfulest.
You know what we're gonna call it?
"How Sweet It Is"
- Like candy.
- Exactly!
- That is wonderful.
- Ya think?
- Do I think?
Guys, is this not a great idea?
- Everybody loves stories about candy.
- I love Skittles.
- I'm glad you like it.
- I do.
- Because I want you to make it.
- I'm, I'm sorry?
- Yeah, you're gonna produce,
and write, and direct my show.
This is gonna be your comeback.
I'm gonna finance it myself.
- Where we gonna stage this thing?
- I just took a strip club off a woman
who couldn't pay me back
the money I lent her
for her husband's penile surgery.
We got the theater, we got the money,
we got the Writer, producer, director.
And according to you, we
got a really great idea.
So, Jack, what do you say?
Are you gonna help me
make my dream a reality?
- Big Mike, may I call you Big Mike?
- I would be honored.
- I am so flattered
that you would trust me
with this brilliant idea of yours.
- Yeah.
- But about 10 years ago,
I made a vow to myself
that I would never ever
go back to the world
of musical theater, no matter how enticing
the offer, and I can't go back on my word,
Big Mike, not now, not ever.
- Well, if you don't do
it, I'm gonna kill you.
- When do we start?
- Hey.
How ya doing?
Oh, you got the second one.
There you go.
Is that the Cicero surveillance?
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, guys.
Well, looks like the newbie
wants to hang with the big boys.
- Hey, Barry, I thought we agreed that
there would be no shouting in the office.
- Yeah, what do you got
against newbies anyway?
You made him spill his coffee.
Need a hand with those?
- No, no, no.
I bought this for you guys.
Thank you.
- Yeah.
It's Big Mike.
- Yeah, we're not really
sure what happened.
He was supposed to meet
up with Agent Rogers
in the Caymans to make a deal,
but then he just suddenly called it off.
- Ben, good agent, great guy.
- Wears an ascot, kinda weird.
- Wally, judgmental.
We think it has something to
do with this man, but so far,
we haven't been able to identify him.
- That's Jack Cosmo.
- Who?
- That's Jack Cosmo,
the Broadway producer.
Oh, come on.
"Candy-colored Glasses,"
"Three for the Dirt Road,"
"The CMO"?
10 years ago, this guy was huge.
- So what?
10 years ago my wife didn't
look like her mother.
Hey, how do you even know about this guy?
- I minored in musical theater in college.
- Really?
What did you major in,
crying in the shower?
- But what would Big Mike want with him?
- That I do not know.
You know, it would be helpful
if we could get somebody in that theater.
- Is this beautiful?
There's a room over
there with a cot in it.
So, here's the plan.
You'll cast it in the day time,
and you'll write it at night.
And we open in three weeks.
- Three weeks?
- Yeah, it's my birthday, the big 7-4.
- Listen, Big Mike--
- Can you think of a better
birthday present for me
than your beautiful new musical?
- Hey, dad, what about
the grill I gave you, huh?
- What grill?
- The grill.
You love it, you said you love it.
There's a light on the
side so you can cook
at night and everything.
- I am the head of a mafia organization
with three slipped discs and
a persistent smoke allergy.
How much night grilling
do you think I'm gonna do?
Kids.
So, we set?
- A new musical in three weeks?
Mike, with all due respect--
- Look over here.
This here is the stage.
Come here, come over here.
Let me show you.
This is where all our
dreams are born, am I right?
And you, you're Jack Cosmo.
You're a genius.
With your words and music,
you take away all the
nonsense and mundanities
of this quotidian life that
we are forced to endure.
You do that with your
words and your music.
What do I do?
I break kneecaps and collect coins.
Anyway, I've done most of
the work for you already.
- How's that?
- I was thinking.
A lot of people owe me money.
Now, that is a lot of arm-breaking
and a whole lotta fuss.
See, Gregory's already
got the carpel tunnel.
So, I says, "Why make
extra work for myself?"
If I made a Broadway decision,
all the guys who owe me money
gotta do a job in this show.
And then we'll be all paid
up, and everybody's happy.
- Except me.
You want me to write and
direct an original musical
using deadbeats and
criminals?
- Did I tell you, is that or is that not
a succinct summation of the situation?
Didn't I tell ya?
Oh, yeah, whatever you say.
- All right, I'm off.
- Mike, wait, you're leaving?
- Yeah, I wanna be surprised.
Besides, the boys are gonna
get you everything you need.
- Oh, sure, boss, whatever you need.
- And then I'll cut his heart out.
- They're staying with me?
- 24, seven.
You think of them as your
left hand and your right hand.
And let me tell you something.
I want to be wowed.
- You're raising the bar kind of high.
- I didn't spare your life
because you're a medium talent.
Don't disappoint me.
Have fun, people.
Do you believe that guy?
We are this close to closing the deal,
he has the gall to give me attitude.
- You know I don't speak Chinese.
- It's Korean, Jenny.
21st century.
You know, you speak it
at a Korean restaurant,
they will give you the uninfected food.
- Uninfected?
- Joking.
I have the CDs.
You should learn.
- Oh, that's really not necessary.
- Calls during lunch.
Robert asked to push
the meeting 'til four,
your cable guy will be at your
place between eight and
five pm on Saturday.
- Nice of them to give
me a nine-hour window.
- And your father called.
- My father called here?
- Yeah.
You were on a conference call to Korea.
You said no calls.
- I did.
What did he say?
- He said, "I'm not dead yet.
"Call sometime."
And then he left his number.
You want me to get him
on the line for you?
- No.
- I'll just leave this right here.
- Thank you.
Hi.
My father called last night.
I haven't heard from him in years,
and he calls me all of
a sudden out of the blue
because he needs something.
He always calls me when
he needs something.
He only calls me when he needs something.
But, you know, I don't know,
this time it felt like, it felt different,
like he really, really needed me.
And I always said I
would never forgive him
until he asked for it,
but I mean, I don't know.
He's my father, you know.
What do you think?
- Uh.
- You're right, you're right.
You're right.
I have to keep it up here, not down here.
It's just, it's hard sometimes, you know.
Thanks, doc, this really helped.
- You're not one of my patients.
No, I just needed to vent.
You want to
make an appointment?
- I'm good, thanks.
- It's kind of exciting.
You ready?
- Ah!
Ah!
- I kinda like this one.
- It's all good here.
- Wait a second, you said Big Mike
is gonna forgive all our debts, right?
This is cool, you're gonna like this.
- God, oh God, help me!
- It's cool, it's cool!
It's a trick.
- Hi.
- Uh, could you speak up, please?
- Hello.
I'll be doing a song.
♪ One by one, they're
all turning their faces ♪
♪ Your book of love is missing pages ♪
- She one of yours?
- Yeah, she had to
borrow money for lawyers.
She used to be a teacher.
- Lawyers?
- She punched a kid.
- She punched a kid?
- Yeah.
♪ In your eyes ♪
♪ Why should I care ♪
♪ When all I ever get are good ♪
♪ Good ♪
♪ Good ♪
Oh, bloody hell!
Ooh!
I am the boss of you!
I am the boss of you!
I didn't want this stupid
job in the first place!
God damn you all to hell!
- She's got the rage issues.
- You think?
- So, uh, no pile?
- Make her a maybe.
- Clifton Thompson.
He owes us for drugs.
- You could've fooled me.
I would've guessed tax evasion.
- No, drugs.
- Oh, Clifton?
Clifton, back here.
- Oh, it's you.
I thought you were my dead
mother's mole for a second.
I will be performing a
little number I wrote called
"Please Give Me 50 Bucks
So I Can Buy Crack."
- Fantastic.
♪ My name is Clifton and
I live down the block ♪
♪ I used to have a house,
but now I have a box ♪
♪ I may be in debt ♪
♪ But I'll pay it back ♪
♪ But first give me 50 bucks ♪
♪ So I can buy crack ♪
♪ Ooh ooh oooh ♪
♪ That would be a very
very very nice thing ♪
♪ For you to do ooh ooh ♪
♪ Because my insides
are beginning to sting ♪
♪ And it hurts when the
other junkies laugh at me ♪
♪ Because I got my drugs
from a crime family ♪
♪ They say that I'm a dead man ♪
♪ I'm really worried ♪
♪ Please give me 50 bucks ♪
♪ So I can buy crack ♪
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪
♪ That would be a very
very very good choice ♪
♪ Yes it would ♪
♪ Ooh ooh ooooh ♪
♪ Because I swear that
it's good for my voice ♪
♪ I used to work at the bank ♪
♪ But I got laid off and
I thought about dying ♪
♪ Yes he did ♪
♪ Until I discovered ♪
♪ That happiness is a
crack rock fryin', oh ♪
♪ I've got the itches ♪
♪ The shakes and the burns ♪
♪ And that's 'cause I'm missing a fix ♪
♪ There's only one solution ♪
♪ 50 bucks'll do the trick ♪
♪ Or whatever you got ♪
- He gets a yes from me.
Great, Clifton, thank you.
Thank you very much.
- My resume has my latest contact info.
- Uh, okay.
Great, great, thank you.
Thanks thank you!
- Thank you.
- Jodi Greenberg, dirty
pharmacist on the payroll.
What he get for you guys?
- The boss runs a chop-shop
down by the piers.
He was helping us with that.
- A pharmacist helps you with cars?
- No, a chop shop.
Illegal sex change clinic.
He was getting us the bad estrogen.
You have not lived until
you've seen half a dozen
angry pre-op trannies.
- Okay.
Jodi, what do you got for us?
- Hey!
- My god, they found me.
I don't know how, but they found me.
Run for it!
- It breaks my heart
that you're running away
from your problem.
- You hold him good, Willamena!
That's right, Mama's comin' for your ass!
- The estrogen, it was good.
I swear.
- Does this sound like a
voice of good estrogen?
- Oh, what the hell is going on here, ah?
- Guys!
Hey, ho, ho, stop it!
Stop it!
Stop it!
This is a disgrace.
You are a disgrace!
I respect this stage so much,
it kills me to watch one idiot
after another just defecate on it.
- Does that mean I don't get the part?
- Actually, you were pretty good.
Mike, I've had it.
I don't care what you do to me.
I don't care what your father does to me.
I am outta here.
- Jack, I've been waiting
all morning to hear that.
- "I've been waiting to hear
that all morning, Jack."
You know what?
I don't care anymore, Mike.
I can't take it.
The only thing I've ever
loved is being massacred here.
Why can't I just find one
normal talented person?
♪ Building ♪
♪ The pressure's building ♪
♪ Unfolding like some twisted cabaret ♪
♪ You had a bedroom for two ♪
♪ And dinner waiting for you ♪
♪ It's everything I hope to have someday ♪
♪ Memories ♪
♪ Moments of sweetness ♪
♪ Can ease your mind ♪
♪ But family ♪
♪ A sense of completeness ♪
♪ Is hard to find ♪
♪ It's time to take your walls down ♪
♪ It's time to take your walls down ♪
- Wow.
"Walls."
- "Candy-colored Glasses"
is my favorite show.
- I'm Jack Cosmo.
- Yes, I know who you are.
I'm Ethan.
- I haven't heard a voice like
that since Patrick Stoner.
- The lead of "Candy-colored Glasses"?
I'm not that good.
- You are.
You are that good.
- Hey, we doin' this or what?
- Mike, the musical now has a voice.
- What is that, a fortune cookie?
- Gregory, where are you?
I'm gonna send you a list
of everything I need.
- Need for what?
- Writing.
Writing.
Okay, guys, I've been working all night.
But, um,
here they are.
And you know what?
Let's not worry about staging or,
you know, blocking or harmony.
Let's just do it nice and loose, okay?
♪ I love candy, it's delicious ♪
♪ I just hate when I
have to do the dishes ♪
♪ Why's my candy on my dishes ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ I'll be sleepin' with the fishes ♪
♪ My life sucks ♪
♪ And I can't write ♪
♪ I get drunk on chocolate every night ♪
♪ And by chocolate I mean booze ♪
♪ What the hell ♪
♪ I got nothing to lose ♪
♪ How sweet it is ♪
♪ How sweet it is ♪
♪ How sweet it is ♪
♪ How sweet it is ♪
♪ I own a factory ♪
♪ It's like a metaphor ♪
♪ How sweet it is ♪
♪ How sweet it is ♪
♪ Whoo hoo ♪
Oh, hell--
What a piece of shit.
- I am so sorry.
I'm sorry.
- Jack.
- That is the greatest
music I have ever heard!
- I thought my mother could drink.
You know, I don't know
much about musical theater,
but I'm pretty sure that a song
is not supposed to make my insides hurt.
- Hey, Mike, that's bad.
It's like watching a slow kid
falling down a flight of steps.
- Hey, who cares?
The quicker that asshole screws up,
the quicker he's dead, and we can get back
to doing what we love.
- Organic farming?
- Interior decorating?
- Kicking ass.
Jeez, sometimes you guys are embarrassing.
Listen, I say we just let him fail.
- But, Mike, your father.
- What about him?
It was his stupid idea.
There's nothing special about Jack Cosmo.
He should have known better.
- Is this about the grill?
- No, it's not about the grill.
- Mike?
- All right, maybe it's about the grill,
but it doesn't matter.
Either way, my father made a choice,
and now he's gotta live
with the consequences.
- But, Mike, if your
father's disappointed,
doesn't that mean he'll blame us?
I mean, don't get mad at me for saying so,
but your father's not a very
nice guy when he's angry.
- Didn't you used to have a brother?
- You both are making very salient points.
Those debate lessons are paying off.
- Nobody ever takes advantage
of their community colleges.
- So what do we do?
- Well, I don't know.
You're the smart one, Mike.
- Okay.
All right.
Let me think about this.
- So, you saw nothing?
Not at thing?
- You guys were looking
through the camera.
All we did was listen to the song.
The rest of the day we just gossiped.
Pretty sure the crack addict is gay.
- Are we honestly saying
that the biggest crime boss
on the planet is really
just a musical theater fan?
It's preposterous.
There has to be something else going on.
- Ben called from the Caymans
and said that Big Mike
contacted him again.
Maybe this has something to do with that.
- Oh, no, no, no.
We've been following that lead for months.
This theater's something new,
and we have to get to the bottom of it.
I am talking to you, rook.
You need to get to the
bottom of this, understand?
- Were you expecting anybody?
- No.
- Mike, Gregory, Tim.
Find someplace,
get out of here, go!
- What a surprise!
- Hey, you always shout out the names
of people who show up at your door?
- Uh, yeah, I guess I do.
- You're like, hey, the pizza guy's here!
It's a little weird.
It is a little weird, right?
- It's a little weird.
- Yeah, it's a little weird.
- Makes me think that
maybe you got someone here.
- Hmm?
Me, no.
No, all alone this evening, just me.
Oh god.
Anybody here?
- No, no, all alone.
- All right.
All right, we got an issue.
- We do?
- Jack Cosmo.
- Oh, right, Cosmo.
- He's supposed to be some kind of genius,
but all he does is write a lot of crap.
- And drink.
- And drink.
He's like a drinking machine.
And Gregory here is a
functional alcoholic,
so he would notice these things.
- My liver looks like a baked potato.
- Ah.
- Now look, you're the
expert on Jack Cosmo,
what the hell is wrong with this guy?
- Well, I'm not sure.
I mean, he disappeared 10 years ago
after the bottle got the better of him and
after his wife took off
with their daughter.
- There's a demon at the
bottom of every bottle.
- A daughter, huh?
Gregory, didn't you take
a semester in psychology?
- Yeah.
- So what do you think?
Is the daughter what
this guy's problem is?
Sure, I mean
I always have trouble
beating people up when
my kids are mad at me.
- It's the daughter.
I'll tell you what, that's our problem.
What we gotta do is get
the daughter to show up
and make nicey nice with the daddy.
And then maybe Cosmo will
be able to write something
that doesn't smell like
an enormous pile of crap.
Then we can all go to my
father's 74th birthday party
and not be dead.
Capisce?
- Guys, guys, look, I don't
even know where she lives.
- Well, you better figure it out
or learn how to sing without your toes.
You really are all alone here, aren't you?
- Yep.
All alone, just my buds.
- Okay, you win.
Here's a 50.
You see, I thought for sure
we were gonna find you in here
with that crack addict.
- I said, "No."
I got flawless gaydar.
- Quit bragging.
He's always bragging.
Now listen to me, you get that daughter,
or we get you.
Got me?
- Got you.
Have a good night.
We need to find Sarah Cosmo.
- She might not even be home.
- Negative, rook.
Heat sensors show that she's in there.
Wow, look at that heat signature.
- She's hot.
- Really?
- She's not even home.
You know what?
This is ridiculous.
I'm going to get out of here.
'Cause I don't want to, want to,
hi, hello, sorry.
Hi, uh, you don't know me,
um, but I'm here to talk to you
about something really important.
- When the hell you Mormons gonna learn?
- Huh?
- Thank you very much, have a nice night.
- No, no.
I'm a friend of your father's.
Mmm, this is delicious.
You say you mix the leaves yourself?
- Yeah.
Why waste your time with
inferior store-bought tea when
you can learn to grow and dry
your own leaves in three weekends
at any Buddhist monastery?
- Sure.
- Why are you here?
- Uh, your dad is writing again.
- Good for him.
- No.
Not so much.
- How do you know my father?
- Well,
I'm the lead in his new show.
- New show?
What did you say your name was?
- Ethan.
- Ethan what?
- Trimble.
- Never heard of you.
Yeah, well, your dad wanted an
unknown to disappear into the character.
- What's the name of this masterpiece?
- "How Sweet It Is."
- Terrible title.
Well, Ethan Nimble--
- Trimble.
- I wish you and my father best of luck.
Now, if you will excuse me--
- Actually, I'd love
to tell you a bit more.
Okay.
Sarah, your dad isn't doing so great.
I don't think he'll be able to finish
this musical without you.
- Oh, okay, I get it.
- You do?
- Yeah, this is about you.
This is your big break, and if
I don't come in and give him
a psychic massage or whatever,
you don't get your moment
being in the big Jack
Cosmo comeback production.
- Sarah, no, seriously,
I don't care if I get to
perform in this thing or not.
- No.
- You know what?
Maybe you're right.
Maybe this is about me.
Your dad's work made
my childhood tolerable.
And I know I'm not alone.
And I know you're angry with him
and you have every right to be,
but can't you admit that
this whole wide world
is just a little bit brighter
with Jack Cosmo in it?
- Whole wide world?
Your parents should've named you Opie.
- It's my middle name.
- No.
- No.
Look, he's trying.
Everyone deserves a second chance.
- Second?
Try again.
- Third?
- Higher.
- Okay, he's really trying.
Thanks for the tea.
- Hey.
Who was Billy Hannigan's understudy in
"Three for the Dirt Road"?
- You want the New York cast
or the London cast?
- Unwritten and unconscious.
This is exactly how I
left him 10 years ago.
- 10 years is a long time ago.
Jack, Jack.
Hey, buddy.
Come on, wake up.
I got somebody here who wants to see you.
What'd he say?
- Nothing.
- I will leave.
- "My balls are itchy."
- So, scratch them?
- What?
No, no, no.
That's what he said.
Look, I'm sorry, he's
obviously gone for the night.
I thought we'd get somewhere with this.
- He's not that far gone.
The sobering ritual.
- The...
- Ah!
- Are you awake?
- Stop it!
- Are you sober?
- Are you sure we should be doing this?
- Ah!
- What's the square root of nine?
- What?
What does that,
three!
Three, it's three!
- Okay.
- It's three.
That's the way my wife and
daughter used to sober me up.
Sarah.
- Jack.
- Hey, so I'm gonna get
you two some coffee.
- I'll take a Fazenda Santa Ines.
You can get it at that Brazilian
place down on Piermont.
- Right, Jack?
- Black, just black.
I called.
- New show?
Why?
- It's complicated.
I, um,
I got inspired.
- That's great.
That's great, Jack.
I'm glad you got inspired.
But a new play from scratch in
what I'm told is a
preposterous amount of time?
Look at yourself.
You smell worse than you look,
and you look awful.
From what Ethan tells me,
you haven't written a single worthy note
and you have an entire company
of people depending on you.
I can tell you from experience
that when people depend
on you, they get hurt.
- Look, um,
I have to write.
I, uh, I'm gonna go write.
- I gotta admit, kid, you did good.
- What are you doing here?
They're right inside.
- What?
You're just talking to a couple
of mechanics about stuff.
- For a second, I thought for
sure you'd blow your cover.
- No.
- But that corny bullshit
you came up with,
"Jack Cosmo made the whole
wide world a better place,"
I gotta admit, I'm impressed.
- It's not bullshit, Barry.
- Whatever you say, Opie.
I guess you're more
foo-foo than I thought.
Hey, don't you have some
coffee to get, rook?
- Aww, man, I got oil on my onesie.
- You have not changed one bit.
- Yes, I have.
I used to drink gin.
Sarah!
I know I have to change.
It's hard when you don't
have anyone to change for.
- No, I will not do this.
You feel sorry for yourself all you want,
but don't drag everyone
else down with you.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I do not feel sorry for myself, okay?
I feel sorry for you,
for all that I put you
and your mom through.
Okay?
I'm sorry.
I screwed up, okay?
I'm saying it right here.
I am sorry.
If this is hell, I deserve it.
- Yeah, you do.
Can you just be honest with
me for once in your life?
- There were some gambling debts
and the head of the five families--
- Big Mike Cicero?
- Wants me to write a show for him.
If I do, he'll forgive
my debts, let me live.
If I don't, he'll put me out of my misery.
You know, as I say it now,
it sounds kind of crazy.
- Kind of crazy?
So, call the police.
- He'll kill me.
- Okay, the FBI?
- Again, bullet, brain.
Still, there's a part of me, you know,
that thinks maybe,
I'm a silly old man.
- You better get back to writing.
- Yeah.
Back to writing.
Sarah?
It is so good to see you again.
I mean, it's really
great to see you again.
And even if all this ends up
with me liquefying in a bag of lye,
it was worth it just for this.
- You always could turn a phrase.
- What are you doing?
- You never read that
University of Madrid study
on how work environment
affects creativity?
It was written in Basque.
Anyway, it's not a
difficult language to learn.
I am cleaning up, and then I'm leaving.
Maybe I'll come back tomorrow,
see how the production is going.
Maybe.
But if I see you take one drink,
if I hear one lie, If you place one bet.
Capisce?
Get back to work.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Okay, I am back with the coffee.
- Great, give it all to Jack.
- All to Jack?
Okay.
Okay.
Hey, this is weird, but you
know that Brazilian coffee,
that special coffee?
It was like $30 a cup.
- You know, my father had a saying
whenever a young unknown complained
about having to pay for coffee.
- Welcome to show biz, kid.
♪ Looking at me now ♪
♪ People wonder how I
ever got into this game ♪
♪ Well, it wasn't always me ♪
♪ Calling out the scenes ♪
♪ It took years to build my name ♪
♪ Before I wrote a page ♪
♪ I would clean the stage ♪
♪ While the higher-ups got the fame ♪
♪ With a pat on the back ♪
♪ They would smile and say ♪
♪ Jack, welcome to show biz, kid ♪
♪ Welcome to show biz ♪
♪ You coo coo kid ♪
♪ Moving through the years ♪
♪ I kinda disappeared ♪
♪ From gambling every now and then ♪
♪ And while nobody in town ♪
♪ Saw the curtain go down ♪
♪ I know that it will rise again ♪
♪ Now a few of them are thugs ♪
♪ And some others may do drugs ♪
♪ Or fool around with estrogen ♪
♪ You may seem perverse ♪
♪ But I'm here to make it work ♪
♪ Welcome to show biz, kid ♪
♪ Cosmo, Cosmo ♪
♪ That's me, baby ♪
♪ It's time to start the show ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ The whole world's waiting for the band ♪
♪ To start playing ♪
♪ It's all in your hands ♪
♪ For this golden stage ♪
♪ Oh, we are swingin' now baby ♪
♪ In a few days' time ♪
♪ We'll cross that line ♪
♪ And we're hoping for a homerun ♪
♪ Because opening night's ♪
♪ Got to be just right ♪
♪ Or everything comes undone ♪
♪ I gotta make 'em shiver ♪
♪ I gotta make 'em quiver ♪
♪ I hope that I'm as good
as they all remember ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ 'Cause wouldn't you just hate it ♪
♪ If no one ever stated ♪
♪ Welcome to show biz, kid ♪
♪ Cosmo ♪
♪ From the bottom to the top now ♪
♪ Cosmo ♪
♪ Only I could teach you how ♪
♪ Cosmo ♪
♪ It ain't time for my final bow ♪
♪ It's time to start the show ♪
- Look at what I'm wearing.
I am all in white.
White is Alfredo sauce.
I coordinate my sauces with my suits.
- But Wednesday's usually
your rouge suit day, boss.
Today's Wednesday.
- Hey, Hey!
It's any day I say it is, you got that?
- Yeah, boss.
- I wear white on Tuesday.
- You wear white on Fridays, boss.
- I wear white on Fridays.
- I can see that, boss.
- You know you're working
through the weekend, right?
Yeah.
- Michael,
We're missing you down
here in the Caymans.
- Ben, hey.
Yeah, hey, listen.
My plane is making humming noises.
I don't fly to the Caymans when my plane
is making humming noises.
- What's wrong with the plane?
- What am I, a freaking mechanic?
How do I know?
He says it's gonna be
fixed in about a day.
- Well, um, how about--
I come to you then?
- Yeah, that's good.
Yeah, swing by, that's all right.
- Great.
So, at your office?
- No, not the office.
I want you to Come to the theater.
We've got a big freakin' night.
We'll do the deal before the show, okay?
- Splendid!
Where is this theater?
- Yeah.
You're gone?
Yeah, you're gone, okay.
- I gotta call you back.
- That'll come right out, boss.
I got the magic stick in the other room.
- Come here.
It's ridiculous.
- Just about everything
in this business is,
but he's gotta overcome
his fears, Gregory.
Now, here he comes.
You're on, you're on, go!
Go!
- I don't believe it.
It's my dead mother's mole!
- I've been watching
you from the other side.
I'm very disappointed.
- Because I'm not smoking enough crack?
- Whooo.
No.
You been smoking too much crack.
You gotta stop.
Boo.
- Stop smoking crack.
I, I never thought of that.
- Jodi, you're really good with the moves.
Can you get me some extra
professional dancers
to make this thing pop a little bit?
- Sure, boss.
I have a prescription for everything.
- Oh!
You he, she freak!
- Bitch kicked indigo in the balls!
- Oh, no!
- Kristina, the rage
has got to stop, baby.
The rage has got to stop.
I want you to do me a favor.
Every time you feel that
you're gonna lose it, here.
Here, take this tack, okay?
And I want you to press
it against your skin
as hard as you can.
Will you do that for me?
Okay?
And it'll make you stop.
Will you try that?
Okay.
That's good.
- Sweat?
- Yeah, I ran out of E's.
I'm just glad to have a marquis at all.
You know what?
We open tomorrow night,
what do you say we celebrate?
- Oh, yes!
- How do we expect anyone to come see it?
The public doesn't know about it.
- My father took care of that.
- How does your father expect to sell
any tickets without any
radio ads, any print ads,
any television commercials?
- Well, we sold out in five minutes.
Like I said, my dad took care of it.
- Listen, I am all for a celebration,
just as long as the party
tonight does not include any crack.
Oh, oh.
Hello?
I gotta take this.
Go for Clifton.
- Well, I don't know about crack,
but I thought maybe a little barbecue.
- Yes, I love meat!
- Mike, if you don't mind.
- That's my father's grill, Jack.
- Well, since he's not using it,
I thought maybe we could.
- Yeah, but if he finds out
you stole from him, he'll, uh--
- Well, maybe, he doesn't find out.
Oh.
- And please remember,
this is not a weapon.
- Funny guy.
Okay, let's fire it up, come on.
- We'll season the patties.
- So, how ya feel?
- Well, for the first time in a long time,
I don't have an urge to
drive into oncoming traffic.
- Right.
Is that good?
Bad?
Good?
- It's good.
- Oh good.
- I feel good.
- Good.
- Thanks, Ethan.
- For what?
- For giving me a voice to write for.
- So, you're gonna need
that for your burger.
- Oh.
Thank you.
Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
Do you have any idea what time it is?
I have a show tomorrow.
- Hey, Olivier, you're undercover.
It's pretend, now focus.
We just got off the line with Ben.
The deal is going down
tomorrow before the show.
- Wait, wait, you mean--
- Operation foo-foo is over the second
our agent meets with Big Mike.
- What about the show?
- How hard is this to figure out?
There isn't going to be a show.
You got a problem, rook?
- No.
- Good.
Now, go get your beauty sleep.
Wouldn't want you to look
tired on your big day tomorrow.
- See, Barry?
It's not so hard to be nice.
- He was being sarcastic.
It looks like a strip club.
- How are we supposed to get in
- Ladies, hey, let's go!
Robes off.
Good.
Hey, last looks!
- Beautiful.
This is a wonderful party for you!
I can see you tomorrow
morning already, beaming.
- I told you not to read my future.
- Gentlemen, the condor is in the nest.
The condor is in the nest.
- Where?
- I think he's saying,
Big Mike is in the building.
- Well, why didn't he just say that?
- I'm talking in code, you tool.
- Well, now I'm really disappointed.
You know how passionate
I am about ornithology.
- Orny what?
- Would you two please just shut up?
- Huh?
Isn't that beautiful?
- So beautiful.
Tell Ben to get into position.
- Hey, didn't mean to scare you.
- No, no, you didn't scare me.
- Jitters are normal.
- Well, this is my first show.
First show.
- I figured that might be
dancing around in your head.
- Yeah.
- Know what I think you should do?
- What?
- I think you should ask me out.
- Huh?
- Is that not something you'd like?
- No, no, I, uh, actually
I thought about that.
I thought, maybe I should ask her out.
I thought, what if she doesn't
want to go out with me?
Awkward moment.
I just didn't say anything at that point.
Just if you didn't, you
said no, with people around,
I just can't have that
in my life right now.
- I might not want to go out with you.
- Right.
- Right.
And you'll only find out if you ask.
- Right.
I should ask.
Mm-hmm.
- Now, um, okay.
Uh, so would you like to go,
this is now middle school.
Would you like to go out with me?
- I will tell you in two hours.
- What?
- You're not worrying about
the show anymore, are ya?
- No.
- Ben is coming in now.
Get him to his seat and make the deal.
If I have to sit through this entire show,
I am killing everyone in this place.
Ethan, are you even in position?
- Excuse me, sir?
You need to take your seat.
The show's about to start.
- I don't know why y'all always
wanna mess with the brother,
like black people don't watch musicals.
Most of the dancers in
here is black, I bet you.
'Cause we can dance.
- Excuse me, sit down.
- All right, Jackie Gleason.
Look here, you need to go back down
to the unemployment bureau and get a job
that fits your weight class.
Ushers are little, tiny people,
children like them little girls.
Come on, man.
You got a pistol on you?
Ethan, are you in position?
You okay?
- Jack, Sarah, look, there's
something I need to tell you.
- Kid, you're supposed to be on stage.
- Save the big reveals for after the show.
- Sarah, listen.
If I don't tell you this now,
there's not gonna be a show.
- Fine, what is it?
- The short version?
I'm an FBI agent.
- Ha.
- What?
- He's so good.
Okay, save it for the stage.
- No, seriously, I'm an FBI agent.
They sent me here for Big Mike.
Look, he's making a deal with
one of our undercover agents,
and if that deal happens, then your show
doesn't go on.
- You lied to me?
- Yes.
Yes, you can get mad at me later.
- Don't tell me when I can get mad at you!
- Look, I'm trying to make this right.
Look, look, look.
See that guy over there in the ascot?
- Oh, yeah.
Jeez.
- That's our agent.
I need you to find a way to
get that guy away from Big Mike
for the rest of the show.
You can't let that guy, that guy,
oh, and especially that guy
get suspicious of what you're doing.
- Hello.
- Hey, Benny, how ya doing?
- Good, how are you?
- Nice to see you, good.
Move over.
Sit down.
- I didn't ask for this,
but now that I've got it,
I don't want to lose it.
- I know, I know, which is
why I just blew my cover.
Believe me, I could lose my
job for telling you this.
Actually, technically, I could go to jail.
- I screwed everything up.
Sarah, you left me because of me,
your mother left me because of me,
now the show's falling
apart because of me.
- Jack, the show is
happening because of you.
- Guys, we need to move, right now.
- You deserve your night, dad.
- So, are we doing this?
- Ladies and gentlemen, may I
have your attention, please?
- Ethan, what the hell is going on?
- We have a very special surprise
for one lucky member
of tonight's audience.
One of you gets to watch
the entire production
right next to the auteur,
the man of the hour,
Jack Cosmo himself.
- See, what did I tell you?
Something good is going to happen today.
- It better happen for me,
I'm gonna kill somebody.
- Ethan, come in!
- Would you be quiet?
They're announcing the winner.
- Think it'll be me?
- And the winning seat
number is table three,
seat D!
- God, that was right next to me.
- Who is the lucky winner?
- My friend, Ben, over here.
Ben, you won.
Good for you.
I could kill ya.
Just joking.
But seriously, I'm imagining that now.
You better get outta here.
- I don't think you understand,
I don't want this.
- Let's give him a round of
applause, ladies and gentlemen.
- It always goes to the undeserved.
- Like the lotto.
- Or left-overs.
- Please sit back and relax.
The show will begin in just a few minutes.
- Ethan!
- Whoa!
Jack, I think I'm in
love with your daughter.
- You'd be stupid if you weren't, kid.
Come on, we're doing this.
Ben, what did
you say your last name was?
- I didn't.
- Okay, well, Ben, this is Jack Cosmo.
- Give it to somebody else, all right?
- Nonsense!
Everybody saw you win.
If you go back to your seat now,
it would look really suspicious.
Right, Sarah?
- Yeah, weirdly suspicious.
- Weirdly.
- Suspicious.
- I'll give you a quick tour,
just take a look around,
you'll go right back to your seat, okay?
Yeah, right back here.
- Fine!
Yes!
- Nice ascot.
- Ah.
- Oh, oh, I have got to stop drinking.
No, you should be
resting after that nasty fall.
- Ben, come in.
Report.
Ben!
- Come on, get this over here like that.
Yeah, that's right.
- I promise we're gonna let you go
as soon as the show's over.
- Listen to me!
You are interfering with an FBI.
- Can't hear you!
Fa-la-la-la!
- Jack, Jack, don't worry.
We'll handle it.
- Yeah, we're already wanted by the FBI.
- We are?
- Well, I know I'd like
to be wanted by the FBI.
- Oh, girl, you're so bad!
And it feels so good!
- Shhh, shhh!
Thank you, ladies, thank you.
- Marshmallow?
Wait, candy shop?
- Jack, this is your candy shop.
And it is your building.
And it is your fault
that we're in this mess.
Now, you better figure out
a way to pay back Clifton,
or we're gonna lose the shop!
Clifton?
- Sarah was right.
You cannot hold your candy.
- Sarah?
Wait!
My Sarah?
Please, tell me where she is.
I need to see her.
Well, I'll get you a
handful of mint jelly beans,
so she doesn't smell the
chocolate on your breath.
- Ben, come in, report!
Ben!
We can still do the deal
before the act break, Ben.
- Shhh!
- This is his most
personal work yet, Barry.
Show some respect.
And I'm losing myself.
- Forget this.
Christ.
I'm gonna go back there myself
and see what's happening.
- When are you gonna grow up?
This world is yours.
You're the director.
What did you just say?
I said, "You're the director."
You direct your own destiny.
Sarah, wait!
- What is it, Jack?
- Jack?
Whatever happened to dad?
Daddy?
I mean, I'd even take old man.
- You're unbelievable.
- Sarah, if I said something to hurt you,
it wasn't me!
I just got here.
- Just got here?
- Yes, yes, I woke up,
and I was in this factory,
in this world where you're
standing here talking to me.
And it's a dream come true.
You have to help me!
- I don't have to do anything with you!
You know why?
- No, why?
You know why?
- What are you doing?
- Is she supposed to be throwing those?
- No, she's not.
- You don't waltz back into my life
and just expect me to just forgive you!
- Please don't hit me.
- This is great.
- Best show ever.
- Because of this!
- Oh!
Uh, that, yes!
I'm a slob, I'll take a shower!
- You're an ass!
- Hey, you watch your mouth!
Sarah, wait, please.
It's not my fault.
Please wait!
- Your breath reeks of this crap.
- Well, it's awesome!
I mean, seriously, have you tried it?
It's like scotch and gin had a baby
and that baby had
another baby with heroin.
- Don't, okay?
Just don't.
I love you, dad.
I love you so much.
- Your mother once asked
me a question, Sarah.
She wanted to know if it was possible
for a person to change.
- It's pure Cosmo.
- I can't believe we're here tonight.
I couldn't have done this without you.
- "Bite of our Lives" positions, let's go!
Last looks, come on!
Let's go.
"Bite of our Lives" positions now.
"Bite of our Lives" is up.
Where are my trannies?
Last looks, positions
for "Bite of our Lives".
- We're in that number!
- What about him?
We need to keep a tight eye on him.
- I have an idea.
- Okay, girls, come on, come on.
Clifton, Clifton,
your cue isn't 'til later, okay?
So, just stuff one of these in his
mouth and lock the door when you go, okay?
All right.
It's just 'til the end of the show, honey.
Come on, girls.
- We gotta get changed.
- I don't know what
you did to get yourself
into this pickle, but I know a mole
that makes a lot of sense.
- Jesus.
- Mmm, slight resemblance if you catch
it in the right light, but
either way, just a mole.
One that's on your face,
you know, not one that goes in the ground.
That would be crazy.
- But, you're not crazy.
- No.
- So, if you'll just let me go--
- Where is my hat?
- It's show time.
Thank you for coming.
♪ You're far too kind ♪
♪ But, now it's my turn ♪
♪ To blow your mind ♪
♪ If we look back centuries ♪
♪ Ancient explorers crossed the seas ♪
♪ Looking for land ♪
♪ And endless wealth ♪
♪ But they discovered something else ♪
♪ This type of payday ♪
♪ Grew on trees ♪
♪ And had a kiss of divinity ♪
♪ And pretty soon ♪
♪ The world renowned ♪
♪ The cocoa plants
sprouting from the ground ♪
♪ But for thousands of years ♪
♪ Chocolate has been the same ♪
♪ What a shame ♪
♪ This is why we're gathered here ♪
♪ 'Cause we just changed the game ♪
♪ So sit up straight ♪
♪ Eyes on me ♪
♪ You're 'bout to get a taste of history ♪
♪ I hope you brought ♪
♪ A change of clothes ♪
♪ 'Cause right here in front of you ♪
♪ Beneath your noses ♪
♪ Is a breakthrough ♪
♪ Quite the prize ♪
♪ It gives you that feeling ♪
♪ In your thighs ♪
♪ When you crave a crunch ♪
♪ But the well's run dry ♪
♪ The solution is here ♪
♪ And it's bite-sized ♪
♪ Oh, don't we all deserve a chance ♪
♪ To find that happiness ♪
♪ We've been hoping for ♪
♪ In our minds ♪
♪ Even if it is something
that we had lost before ♪
♪ It is right here ♪
♪ Standing before you ♪
♪ Ready to be found once more ♪
♪ So ♪
♪ Open your boxes ♪
♪ Lick your lips ♪
♪ Hold this miracle in your fingertips ♪
♪ It doesn't melt inside your hand ♪
♪ Not a smudge ♪
♪ But the time for talk is over ♪
♪ You be the judge of Cosmo ♪
♪ Cosmo ♪
♪ It's time to start the show ♪
♪ The stars are all aligning ♪
♪ There's no denying ♪
♪ That this work of art ♪
♪ Will melt your candy heart ♪
- Ugh!
♪ And it gives me great pride ♪
♪ To ask you all to open wide ♪
♪ The time has finally arrived ♪
♪ To take the bite of your lives ♪
- Son, I love you!
- I love it.
- I had no idea, I swear I had no idea.
- Musical theater, huh?
- Musical f'in theater!
- Hey.
- Oh, hey!
I was so jealous of you.
How was it back there?
- Oh, great, lots of fun, learned a lot.
Listen, are we doing this deal?
- Shhh!
The big finale's gonna come up.
We'll talk after.
- Just tell me the deal's good!
- Yeah, the deal is good,
of course it's good.
- Thank Christ.
Now!
- You son of a bitch.
You're a fed.
- And you're under arrest.
- Pop, we gotta get out of here.
- No, I've been set up.
By him, back there.
Everybody outta here!
- Stay here.
- Wait, what are you doing?
- Where are you guys?
- Hey!
- It was you, wasn't it, Jack?
- This is between us.
Please, don't hurt anyone.
- You set me up.
Don't even think about lying to me.
- I just wanted the show to be special.
- Special?
This is the best work
you've done in years.
I can't wait to see how it ends,
but you were working with them.
- I swear to god, Mike--
- It was me, Big Mike.
Aim that at me.
- Listen, you'll be able
to buy your way out of it,
but not if you kill me
in front of everybody.
Big Mike, may I call you Big Mike?
- Not no more now!
- You gave me my life back, man.
Please, don't take it away.
- All right, consider another scenario.
If I kill you now, you'll go out on top.
So, I'm sort of doing you a favor.
You're welcome.
What, did everybody run
in front of my bullet?
Son, what the hell?
- He loved my grill.
- Why are you so concerned
about a stupid-ass grill?
- Go.
- Freeze!
Who got hit?
- Jack, the show is beautiful.
Beautiful!
- What, nobody?
Son of a bitch.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, stay put.
We'll get you an ambulance.
- Oh, no, no, no.
I have been shot so much worse than this.
- Hey, Jack, the show's gonna be a hit.
And I know people.
And you're no credit risk, Cosmo.
- Dad?
Hey.
- You okay?
You all right?
- I'm, I'm, yeah, I'm in one piece.
- Okay.
- Um,
how about the finale?
- The audience is gone, baby.
- You're here.
- I don't think it's up to me.
- Yeah, technically we are all witnesses,
and we have to make statements.
- See, this is why I don't
like working with rookies.
Go finish the foo-foo.
We can take statements later.
- Agent Trimble,
it's been two hours.
- It's been two hours, yes.
Oh, yes, okay.
Well, I was wondering if
you are free this weekend
and if you like Korean food--
♪ There is a fire that
can burn into the day ♪
♪ There is a fire than
can always light my way ♪
♪ So burn on ♪
♪ You lovely flame ♪
♪ Shine your light down on me ♪
♪ And I'll shine my light on you ♪
♪ Shine your light down once again ♪
♪ All you had to do ♪
♪ Was try ♪
♪ Try ♪
♪ The clouds will open up ♪
♪ And you'll see the sky ♪
♪ Filled with stars ♪
♪ And planets all aligned ♪
♪ Sometimes ♪
♪ All you need to do is try ♪
♪ Some people started wars over a kiss ♪
♪ Have braved the coldest
winters for moments like this ♪
♪ Sometimes ♪
♪ All you need to do is try ♪
♪ We were lost in the darkness ♪
♪ So scared of the night ♪
♪ Now we stand here unafraid ♪
♪ We are ready for this fight ♪
♪ It's so hard to walk along ♪
♪ When no one is by your side ♪
♪ But love is never singing good-bye ♪
♪ Sometimes ♪
♪ All you need to do is try ♪
♪ The walls are down ♪
♪ The fire burns ♪
♪ The missing pages have returned ♪
♪ There's no longer any doubt ♪
♪ We truly have what it takes ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm here and now ♪
♪ And I'm wide awake ♪
♪ Sometimes ♪
♪ Sometimes ♪
♪ All you need to do is try ♪
♪ All you need to do is try to live ♪
♪ To love, to love ♪
♪ To see how far we've come ♪
♪ How sweet it could be ♪
♪ How sweet it is ♪
♪ This ain't my first show ♪
♪ Ha ♪
♪ All of you really oughtta know ♪
♪ That I'm the king of this rodeo ♪
♪ I still got the juice ♪
♪ So listen close ♪
♪ When the spotlight burns ♪
♪ And the orchestra
plays somethin' smart ♪
♪ These are the things
you all should learn ♪
♪ To get you straight
into the people's hearts ♪
♪ Oh oh ♪
♪ It's all about the soul ♪
♪ It's all about the melody ♪
♪ It's all about lettin' it all hang out ♪
♪ And so that's our choreography ♪
♪ Echo, just an echo ♪
♪ A silhouette of what we used to know ♪
♪ Affliction ♪
♪ Cold addiction ♪
♪ It snuffed out all the
things that helped you grow ♪
♪ Now I've been here ♪
♪ For good and for bad ♪
♪ Always by your side ♪
♪ But remember the things that you had ♪
♪ Can't you see ♪
♪ You have to try ♪
♪ Try to take your walls down ♪
♪ Building ♪
♪ The pressure's building ♪
♪ Unfolding like some twisted cabaret ♪
♪ You had a bedroom for two ♪
♪ And dinner waiting for you ♪
♪ It's everything I hope to have someday ♪
♪ Factory ♪
♪ Sugar and sweetness can ease your mind ♪
♪ But family ♪
♪ A sense of completeness
is hard to find ♪
♪ What happened to the
world that I once knew ♪
♪ Tonight's the night, old friend ♪
♪ Tonight's the night it all goes live ♪
♪ Which way can I turn ♪
♪ What can I do ♪
♪ I need that old Jack to come alive ♪
♪ And take the walls down ♪
♪ That you've created ♪
♪ Take a good look around ♪
♪ Jack, take your walls down ♪
♪ What you've been
missing is not too lost ♪
♪ To be found ♪
♪ Like music on a sheet ♪
♪ With buildings like chords ♪
♪ How the melody soared ♪
♪ Before we lost the beat ♪
♪ A series of tired rhymes ♪
♪ Clinging to father time ♪
♪ Statues tinted with rust ♪
♪ Aching, covered in dust ♪
♪ But there's just enough ♪
♪ Left to shine ♪
♪ We still have a song to sing ♪
♪ It has seen much better days ♪
♪ But we cling to ♪
♪ The story and its former glory, yes ♪
♪ There's still a song to sing ♪
♪ How sweet it could be ♪
♪ With you ♪
- You don't look like your picture.
- The lighting's different out here.
- So, how does this work?
- 20 to see it, 50 to touch.
- 50?
- That's what I said.
- Oh, please, please.
I wanna touch it.
- Fine, fine.
Ah, ah, ah.
I wanna see it first.
- Why?
- To make sure it's real.
- Believe me, it's real.
Like your headshot was real?
- Ooh, burn.
- Back at my place.
- Oh, sorry, I messed up your...
- Stand back.
Oh!
- Good enough?
- "For excellence in theater."
Oh, I watched you win this on TV.
It's like looking into the eyes of God.
- What do you say, $500?
- What, to buy it?
- Oooh, really?
Oh, Grant, you are so sweet!
- I'm negotiating!
Quiet.
- He wants me to be quiet.
- It's not for sale.
- 1,000.
Shh.
Jack, you obviously need the money.
And I need an anniversary
gift for my husband.
- Oh, you remembered.
- How could I forget?
Why don't you say we
help each other out, hmm?
- Two grand.
- That's $2,000.
He knows what it is.
And two grand.
- I feel dirty.
- Yeah, well, use the money
to buy some disinfectant.
You happy?
- Oh, grant, I could float home.
- That's great.
Don't ever get married.
- Yeah.
- When will we see
another Cosmo production?
Never.
- Oh!
- Wow, jeez, that hurt.
- Told ya.
- You know, we should wear
gloves when we do this.
- I don't know.
Wearing gloves could make us look stupid.
But then this
wouldn't hurt so much.
Honestly, I think I chipped a knuckle.
Anyway, I'm gonna talk to my
father about those gloves.
What's the matter, Jack?
You okay, man?
We're not trying to kill you or nothing.
I'm just trying to prove
a point about the gloves.
- I'm alive.
- Well, good, good.
This is where you live, huh?
Ay, what do you think when you
look around this apartment?
- Credit risk.
- Credit risk, exactly.
Now, you see if my father would
listen to me when we
talk these things over,
I wouldn't have to chip my
knuckle on your face, Jack.
- Wait, I got it.
I got a payment.
I got a payment, here.
Look, I got two.
I got two.
- You got two G's?
Tim, what's that joke about that slut
you went to high school with?
- Like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?
- That's the one.
But, Jack, two G's
is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.
Two G's is like three months ago.
- Just take it, I'll get you more.
And if you fine gentlemen
are interested in an original
Grammy, I could cut you a deal.
- Now, you see, kicking
doesn't hurt much at all.
From now on, I'm a kicker.
Note it.
- Noted, boss.
- Uh, Jack, you see, if it was up to me,
I will put two bullets
in the back of your head.
Especially because I got
this handy new silencer,
which I'm dying to try out, you know,
because I'm wondering if it's gonna
sound like the one in the movies.
But, it's not up to me.
It's up to my father.
And my father is--
- Old-fashioned?
- Well, I was gonna say senile,
but that works, too.
You see, my father's the kinda guy
who likes to look a man in
the eyes while the hired help
crashes his brain in with a brick.
It's quaint, really.
Anyway, come on, get him up.
Let's get out of here.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait!
I need to ask you something.
Do you know what I did before this?
- Yeah, you were a degenerate gambler.
- No, before that.
- Never crossed my mind.
- I was a director.
- Fancy that.
- And before that, I was a choreographer.
- You mean like a, one
of them foo-foo guys?
- You know, with the--
- Mike, you all right, man?
- I wasn't expecting that.
Tell you one thing, the guy is limber.
Hey, hey, put the guns down.
I got something more fun
- Jack?
- Sarah, Sarah, I, I
don't have a lot of time.
- Oh, you're dying, again.
- I just wanted you to know that that I--
- Hey, director, drop it.
- Oh!
- Give me another one.
Oh!
- You gotta adjust for the wind, boss.
- No, we're going about this all wrong.
Yes!
Thank you, uncle Sal.
Is he dead?
He's not dead.
He's damaged, but not dead.
- See, I don't like to get to know you.
It makes it messy.
I prefer it when you are just a number,
not a someone.
But you took it upon
yourself to become a someone
with a 130 large debt!
And your bookie, that moron, my nephew,
he was stupid enough to let
the debt get to that point.
You know what I done to him?
- I'm still a little nauseous
from that concussion,
so if it's really gross,
please don't tell me.
- I cut off his big toes.
- Oh, hell!
- Don't throw up on my rug!
That's an $11,000 rug!
I took it off a cripple
who loved lap dances
in one of my clubs.
I could never figure out
how the debt got so large.
He couldn't feel anything.
Sorry.
It's a sin to judge.
Anyway, after we drowned him,
I kept the chair.
You never felt so comfortable.
- That's sick.
- I have a standing policy.
For 25,000, I break your arms.
For 50,000, I break your legs.
For 100,000, I do something really awful.
But a number like yours, 130 large,
I gotta come up with
something spectacular here.
- If you kill me, you'll
never get your money back.
- I got plenty of money.
What I don't have is entertainment.
You're my entertainment.
What's your name?
- You said I was just a number.
- It's Cosmo, boss.
Jack Cosmo.
- Jack Cosmo?
I don't believe it.
- I'm Jack Cosmo.
- Jack Cosmo's running up a debt
with me for nine months and
none of you morons tell me?
I can't believe it, you're Jack Cosmo.
- I'm sorry, do you know me?
- Haha.
You're a fan?
- Am I a fan?
"I love you, Betty!
"You're the radishes in my chicken soup."
Eh?
- "Candy-colored Glasses."
- "Candy-colored Glasses."
I was there opening night.
I was there the night after.
I conceived my daughter
listening to your soundtrack.
She's fat and has a hunchback.
I don't blame you.
- Uh, I'm, I'm glad it worked out.
- I would like to shake your hand.
Untie this man, you morons.
Your music and your
words saved me at a time
when I didn't know what
I wanted out of life.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- And you chose this?
- I owe everything to you.
Everything.
- Well, I don't know what to say.
- You ought to sit down.
- Yeah.
- Now, I want you to know
that the 130 large is paid.
Done.
I can't take money from you.
I ought to be paying you.
Gregory, give him everything
you got in your pocket.
- That's not really necessary.
You, you--
Really?
- Lemon-flavored.
They started making those four years ago.
- Shocker.
Just forgiving the debt
is more than enough.
- Where did you go?
I mean, it's been 10 years, right,
since the last production?
- Show business makes
what you do for a living
seem like daycare.
You know, I'm just saying.
- That's funny.
America needs that line.
- So, I'm cleared and free to go?
- Jack Cosmo.
- I'll just grab some breakfast
and go back to my place--
- Jack Cosmo!
- I'm sorry, is there something
that you're trying to tell me?
- I have in mind an idea for a show.
- Oh, god.
Damn.
Uh, why don't we get together next week?
We'll talk about it.
I'd be happy, love to hear it.
But right now, I'll just kinda--
- You see, it's about a guy.
- That's a great start.
- He's a drunk, a problem drinker.
But funny.
- Alcoholism is hysterical.
- Yeah.
Now one day, he gets bunked on the head.
He enters into this dream state
in the second act.
- Okay.
- And he finds out that
he is addicted to--
- Alcohol.
- Candy.
- Candy?
- Yeah.
See candy is the metaphor for alcohol.
- Ah.
- And in the dream state,
he learns about himself,
why he is an alcoholic.
- Candyholic.
- Yeah, candyholic.
And when he wakes up, he's healed.
He is no longer An alcocandyholic.
- Pretty powerful dream.
- The most powerfulest.
You know what we're gonna call it?
"How Sweet It Is"
- Like candy.
- Exactly!
- That is wonderful.
- Ya think?
- Do I think?
Guys, is this not a great idea?
- Everybody loves stories about candy.
- I love Skittles.
- I'm glad you like it.
- I do.
- Because I want you to make it.
- I'm, I'm sorry?
- Yeah, you're gonna produce,
and write, and direct my show.
This is gonna be your comeback.
I'm gonna finance it myself.
- Where we gonna stage this thing?
- I just took a strip club off a woman
who couldn't pay me back
the money I lent her
for her husband's penile surgery.
We got the theater, we got the money,
we got the Writer, producer, director.
And according to you, we
got a really great idea.
So, Jack, what do you say?
Are you gonna help me
make my dream a reality?
- Big Mike, may I call you Big Mike?
- I would be honored.
- I am so flattered
that you would trust me
with this brilliant idea of yours.
- Yeah.
- But about 10 years ago,
I made a vow to myself
that I would never ever
go back to the world
of musical theater, no matter how enticing
the offer, and I can't go back on my word,
Big Mike, not now, not ever.
- Well, if you don't do
it, I'm gonna kill you.
- When do we start?
- Hey.
How ya doing?
Oh, you got the second one.
There you go.
Is that the Cicero surveillance?
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, guys.
Well, looks like the newbie
wants to hang with the big boys.
- Hey, Barry, I thought we agreed that
there would be no shouting in the office.
- Yeah, what do you got
against newbies anyway?
You made him spill his coffee.
Need a hand with those?
- No, no, no.
I bought this for you guys.
Thank you.
- Yeah.
It's Big Mike.
- Yeah, we're not really
sure what happened.
He was supposed to meet
up with Agent Rogers
in the Caymans to make a deal,
but then he just suddenly called it off.
- Ben, good agent, great guy.
- Wears an ascot, kinda weird.
- Wally, judgmental.
We think it has something to
do with this man, but so far,
we haven't been able to identify him.
- That's Jack Cosmo.
- Who?
- That's Jack Cosmo,
the Broadway producer.
Oh, come on.
"Candy-colored Glasses,"
"Three for the Dirt Road,"
"The CMO"?
10 years ago, this guy was huge.
- So what?
10 years ago my wife didn't
look like her mother.
Hey, how do you even know about this guy?
- I minored in musical theater in college.
- Really?
What did you major in,
crying in the shower?
- But what would Big Mike want with him?
- That I do not know.
You know, it would be helpful
if we could get somebody in that theater.
- Is this beautiful?
There's a room over
there with a cot in it.
So, here's the plan.
You'll cast it in the day time,
and you'll write it at night.
And we open in three weeks.
- Three weeks?
- Yeah, it's my birthday, the big 7-4.
- Listen, Big Mike--
- Can you think of a better
birthday present for me
than your beautiful new musical?
- Hey, dad, what about
the grill I gave you, huh?
- What grill?
- The grill.
You love it, you said you love it.
There's a light on the
side so you can cook
at night and everything.
- I am the head of a mafia organization
with three slipped discs and
a persistent smoke allergy.
How much night grilling
do you think I'm gonna do?
Kids.
So, we set?
- A new musical in three weeks?
Mike, with all due respect--
- Look over here.
This here is the stage.
Come here, come over here.
Let me show you.
This is where all our
dreams are born, am I right?
And you, you're Jack Cosmo.
You're a genius.
With your words and music,
you take away all the
nonsense and mundanities
of this quotidian life that
we are forced to endure.
You do that with your
words and your music.
What do I do?
I break kneecaps and collect coins.
Anyway, I've done most of
the work for you already.
- How's that?
- I was thinking.
A lot of people owe me money.
Now, that is a lot of arm-breaking
and a whole lotta fuss.
See, Gregory's already
got the carpel tunnel.
So, I says, "Why make
extra work for myself?"
If I made a Broadway decision,
all the guys who owe me money
gotta do a job in this show.
And then we'll be all paid
up, and everybody's happy.
- Except me.
You want me to write and
direct an original musical
using deadbeats and
criminals?
- Did I tell you, is that or is that not
a succinct summation of the situation?
Didn't I tell ya?
Oh, yeah, whatever you say.
- All right, I'm off.
- Mike, wait, you're leaving?
- Yeah, I wanna be surprised.
Besides, the boys are gonna
get you everything you need.
- Oh, sure, boss, whatever you need.
- And then I'll cut his heart out.
- They're staying with me?
- 24, seven.
You think of them as your
left hand and your right hand.
And let me tell you something.
I want to be wowed.
- You're raising the bar kind of high.
- I didn't spare your life
because you're a medium talent.
Don't disappoint me.
Have fun, people.
Do you believe that guy?
We are this close to closing the deal,
he has the gall to give me attitude.
- You know I don't speak Chinese.
- It's Korean, Jenny.
21st century.
You know, you speak it
at a Korean restaurant,
they will give you the uninfected food.
- Uninfected?
- Joking.
I have the CDs.
You should learn.
- Oh, that's really not necessary.
- Calls during lunch.
Robert asked to push
the meeting 'til four,
your cable guy will be at your
place between eight and
five pm on Saturday.
- Nice of them to give
me a nine-hour window.
- And your father called.
- My father called here?
- Yeah.
You were on a conference call to Korea.
You said no calls.
- I did.
What did he say?
- He said, "I'm not dead yet.
"Call sometime."
And then he left his number.
You want me to get him
on the line for you?
- No.
- I'll just leave this right here.
- Thank you.
Hi.
My father called last night.
I haven't heard from him in years,
and he calls me all of
a sudden out of the blue
because he needs something.
He always calls me when
he needs something.
He only calls me when he needs something.
But, you know, I don't know,
this time it felt like, it felt different,
like he really, really needed me.
And I always said I
would never forgive him
until he asked for it,
but I mean, I don't know.
He's my father, you know.
What do you think?
- Uh.
- You're right, you're right.
You're right.
I have to keep it up here, not down here.
It's just, it's hard sometimes, you know.
Thanks, doc, this really helped.
- You're not one of my patients.
No, I just needed to vent.
You want to
make an appointment?
- I'm good, thanks.
- It's kind of exciting.
You ready?
- Ah!
Ah!
- I kinda like this one.
- It's all good here.
- Wait a second, you said Big Mike
is gonna forgive all our debts, right?
This is cool, you're gonna like this.
- God, oh God, help me!
- It's cool, it's cool!
It's a trick.
- Hi.
- Uh, could you speak up, please?
- Hello.
I'll be doing a song.
♪ One by one, they're
all turning their faces ♪
♪ Your book of love is missing pages ♪
- She one of yours?
- Yeah, she had to
borrow money for lawyers.
She used to be a teacher.
- Lawyers?
- She punched a kid.
- She punched a kid?
- Yeah.
♪ In your eyes ♪
♪ Why should I care ♪
♪ When all I ever get are good ♪
♪ Good ♪
♪ Good ♪
Oh, bloody hell!
Ooh!
I am the boss of you!
I am the boss of you!
I didn't want this stupid
job in the first place!
God damn you all to hell!
- She's got the rage issues.
- You think?
- So, uh, no pile?
- Make her a maybe.
- Clifton Thompson.
He owes us for drugs.
- You could've fooled me.
I would've guessed tax evasion.
- No, drugs.
- Oh, Clifton?
Clifton, back here.
- Oh, it's you.
I thought you were my dead
mother's mole for a second.
I will be performing a
little number I wrote called
"Please Give Me 50 Bucks
So I Can Buy Crack."
- Fantastic.
♪ My name is Clifton and
I live down the block ♪
♪ I used to have a house,
but now I have a box ♪
♪ I may be in debt ♪
♪ But I'll pay it back ♪
♪ But first give me 50 bucks ♪
♪ So I can buy crack ♪
♪ Ooh ooh oooh ♪
♪ That would be a very
very very nice thing ♪
♪ For you to do ooh ooh ♪
♪ Because my insides
are beginning to sting ♪
♪ And it hurts when the
other junkies laugh at me ♪
♪ Because I got my drugs
from a crime family ♪
♪ They say that I'm a dead man ♪
♪ I'm really worried ♪
♪ Please give me 50 bucks ♪
♪ So I can buy crack ♪
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪
♪ That would be a very
very very good choice ♪
♪ Yes it would ♪
♪ Ooh ooh ooooh ♪
♪ Because I swear that
it's good for my voice ♪
♪ I used to work at the bank ♪
♪ But I got laid off and
I thought about dying ♪
♪ Yes he did ♪
♪ Until I discovered ♪
♪ That happiness is a
crack rock fryin', oh ♪
♪ I've got the itches ♪
♪ The shakes and the burns ♪
♪ And that's 'cause I'm missing a fix ♪
♪ There's only one solution ♪
♪ 50 bucks'll do the trick ♪
♪ Or whatever you got ♪
- He gets a yes from me.
Great, Clifton, thank you.
Thank you very much.
- My resume has my latest contact info.
- Uh, okay.
Great, great, thank you.
Thanks thank you!
- Thank you.
- Jodi Greenberg, dirty
pharmacist on the payroll.
What he get for you guys?
- The boss runs a chop-shop
down by the piers.
He was helping us with that.
- A pharmacist helps you with cars?
- No, a chop shop.
Illegal sex change clinic.
He was getting us the bad estrogen.
You have not lived until
you've seen half a dozen
angry pre-op trannies.
- Okay.
Jodi, what do you got for us?
- Hey!
- My god, they found me.
I don't know how, but they found me.
Run for it!
- It breaks my heart
that you're running away
from your problem.
- You hold him good, Willamena!
That's right, Mama's comin' for your ass!
- The estrogen, it was good.
I swear.
- Does this sound like a
voice of good estrogen?
- Oh, what the hell is going on here, ah?
- Guys!
Hey, ho, ho, stop it!
Stop it!
Stop it!
This is a disgrace.
You are a disgrace!
I respect this stage so much,
it kills me to watch one idiot
after another just defecate on it.
- Does that mean I don't get the part?
- Actually, you were pretty good.
Mike, I've had it.
I don't care what you do to me.
I don't care what your father does to me.
I am outta here.
- Jack, I've been waiting
all morning to hear that.
- "I've been waiting to hear
that all morning, Jack."
You know what?
I don't care anymore, Mike.
I can't take it.
The only thing I've ever
loved is being massacred here.
Why can't I just find one
normal talented person?
♪ Building ♪
♪ The pressure's building ♪
♪ Unfolding like some twisted cabaret ♪
♪ You had a bedroom for two ♪
♪ And dinner waiting for you ♪
♪ It's everything I hope to have someday ♪
♪ Memories ♪
♪ Moments of sweetness ♪
♪ Can ease your mind ♪
♪ But family ♪
♪ A sense of completeness ♪
♪ Is hard to find ♪
♪ It's time to take your walls down ♪
♪ It's time to take your walls down ♪
- Wow.
"Walls."
- "Candy-colored Glasses"
is my favorite show.
- I'm Jack Cosmo.
- Yes, I know who you are.
I'm Ethan.
- I haven't heard a voice like
that since Patrick Stoner.
- The lead of "Candy-colored Glasses"?
I'm not that good.
- You are.
You are that good.
- Hey, we doin' this or what?
- Mike, the musical now has a voice.
- What is that, a fortune cookie?
- Gregory, where are you?
I'm gonna send you a list
of everything I need.
- Need for what?
- Writing.
Writing.
Okay, guys, I've been working all night.
But, um,
here they are.
And you know what?
Let's not worry about staging or,
you know, blocking or harmony.
Let's just do it nice and loose, okay?
♪ I love candy, it's delicious ♪
♪ I just hate when I
have to do the dishes ♪
♪ Why's my candy on my dishes ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ I'll be sleepin' with the fishes ♪
♪ My life sucks ♪
♪ And I can't write ♪
♪ I get drunk on chocolate every night ♪
♪ And by chocolate I mean booze ♪
♪ What the hell ♪
♪ I got nothing to lose ♪
♪ How sweet it is ♪
♪ How sweet it is ♪
♪ How sweet it is ♪
♪ How sweet it is ♪
♪ I own a factory ♪
♪ It's like a metaphor ♪
♪ How sweet it is ♪
♪ How sweet it is ♪
♪ Whoo hoo ♪
Oh, hell--
What a piece of shit.
- I am so sorry.
I'm sorry.
- Jack.
- That is the greatest
music I have ever heard!
- I thought my mother could drink.
You know, I don't know
much about musical theater,
but I'm pretty sure that a song
is not supposed to make my insides hurt.
- Hey, Mike, that's bad.
It's like watching a slow kid
falling down a flight of steps.
- Hey, who cares?
The quicker that asshole screws up,
the quicker he's dead, and we can get back
to doing what we love.
- Organic farming?
- Interior decorating?
- Kicking ass.
Jeez, sometimes you guys are embarrassing.
Listen, I say we just let him fail.
- But, Mike, your father.
- What about him?
It was his stupid idea.
There's nothing special about Jack Cosmo.
He should have known better.
- Is this about the grill?
- No, it's not about the grill.
- Mike?
- All right, maybe it's about the grill,
but it doesn't matter.
Either way, my father made a choice,
and now he's gotta live
with the consequences.
- But, Mike, if your
father's disappointed,
doesn't that mean he'll blame us?
I mean, don't get mad at me for saying so,
but your father's not a very
nice guy when he's angry.
- Didn't you used to have a brother?
- You both are making very salient points.
Those debate lessons are paying off.
- Nobody ever takes advantage
of their community colleges.
- So what do we do?
- Well, I don't know.
You're the smart one, Mike.
- Okay.
All right.
Let me think about this.
- So, you saw nothing?
Not at thing?
- You guys were looking
through the camera.
All we did was listen to the song.
The rest of the day we just gossiped.
Pretty sure the crack addict is gay.
- Are we honestly saying
that the biggest crime boss
on the planet is really
just a musical theater fan?
It's preposterous.
There has to be something else going on.
- Ben called from the Caymans
and said that Big Mike
contacted him again.
Maybe this has something to do with that.
- Oh, no, no, no.
We've been following that lead for months.
This theater's something new,
and we have to get to the bottom of it.
I am talking to you, rook.
You need to get to the
bottom of this, understand?
- Were you expecting anybody?
- No.
- Mike, Gregory, Tim.
Find someplace,
get out of here, go!
- What a surprise!
- Hey, you always shout out the names
of people who show up at your door?
- Uh, yeah, I guess I do.
- You're like, hey, the pizza guy's here!
It's a little weird.
It is a little weird, right?
- It's a little weird.
- Yeah, it's a little weird.
- Makes me think that
maybe you got someone here.
- Hmm?
Me, no.
No, all alone this evening, just me.
Oh god.
Anybody here?
- No, no, all alone.
- All right.
All right, we got an issue.
- We do?
- Jack Cosmo.
- Oh, right, Cosmo.
- He's supposed to be some kind of genius,
but all he does is write a lot of crap.
- And drink.
- And drink.
He's like a drinking machine.
And Gregory here is a
functional alcoholic,
so he would notice these things.
- My liver looks like a baked potato.
- Ah.
- Now look, you're the
expert on Jack Cosmo,
what the hell is wrong with this guy?
- Well, I'm not sure.
I mean, he disappeared 10 years ago
after the bottle got the better of him and
after his wife took off
with their daughter.
- There's a demon at the
bottom of every bottle.
- A daughter, huh?
Gregory, didn't you take
a semester in psychology?
- Yeah.
- So what do you think?
Is the daughter what
this guy's problem is?
Sure, I mean
I always have trouble
beating people up when
my kids are mad at me.
- It's the daughter.
I'll tell you what, that's our problem.
What we gotta do is get
the daughter to show up
and make nicey nice with the daddy.
And then maybe Cosmo will
be able to write something
that doesn't smell like
an enormous pile of crap.
Then we can all go to my
father's 74th birthday party
and not be dead.
Capisce?
- Guys, guys, look, I don't
even know where she lives.
- Well, you better figure it out
or learn how to sing without your toes.
You really are all alone here, aren't you?
- Yep.
All alone, just my buds.
- Okay, you win.
Here's a 50.
You see, I thought for sure
we were gonna find you in here
with that crack addict.
- I said, "No."
I got flawless gaydar.
- Quit bragging.
He's always bragging.
Now listen to me, you get that daughter,
or we get you.
Got me?
- Got you.
Have a good night.
We need to find Sarah Cosmo.
- She might not even be home.
- Negative, rook.
Heat sensors show that she's in there.
Wow, look at that heat signature.
- She's hot.
- Really?
- She's not even home.
You know what?
This is ridiculous.
I'm going to get out of here.
'Cause I don't want to, want to,
hi, hello, sorry.
Hi, uh, you don't know me,
um, but I'm here to talk to you
about something really important.
- When the hell you Mormons gonna learn?
- Huh?
- Thank you very much, have a nice night.
- No, no.
I'm a friend of your father's.
Mmm, this is delicious.
You say you mix the leaves yourself?
- Yeah.
Why waste your time with
inferior store-bought tea when
you can learn to grow and dry
your own leaves in three weekends
at any Buddhist monastery?
- Sure.
- Why are you here?
- Uh, your dad is writing again.
- Good for him.
- No.
Not so much.
- How do you know my father?
- Well,
I'm the lead in his new show.
- New show?
What did you say your name was?
- Ethan.
- Ethan what?
- Trimble.
- Never heard of you.
Yeah, well, your dad wanted an
unknown to disappear into the character.
- What's the name of this masterpiece?
- "How Sweet It Is."
- Terrible title.
Well, Ethan Nimble--
- Trimble.
- I wish you and my father best of luck.
Now, if you will excuse me--
- Actually, I'd love
to tell you a bit more.
Okay.
Sarah, your dad isn't doing so great.
I don't think he'll be able to finish
this musical without you.
- Oh, okay, I get it.
- You do?
- Yeah, this is about you.
This is your big break, and if
I don't come in and give him
a psychic massage or whatever,
you don't get your moment
being in the big Jack
Cosmo comeback production.
- Sarah, no, seriously,
I don't care if I get to
perform in this thing or not.
- No.
- You know what?
Maybe you're right.
Maybe this is about me.
Your dad's work made
my childhood tolerable.
And I know I'm not alone.
And I know you're angry with him
and you have every right to be,
but can't you admit that
this whole wide world
is just a little bit brighter
with Jack Cosmo in it?
- Whole wide world?
Your parents should've named you Opie.
- It's my middle name.
- No.
- No.
Look, he's trying.
Everyone deserves a second chance.
- Second?
Try again.
- Third?
- Higher.
- Okay, he's really trying.
Thanks for the tea.
- Hey.
Who was Billy Hannigan's understudy in
"Three for the Dirt Road"?
- You want the New York cast
or the London cast?
- Unwritten and unconscious.
This is exactly how I
left him 10 years ago.
- 10 years is a long time ago.
Jack, Jack.
Hey, buddy.
Come on, wake up.
I got somebody here who wants to see you.
What'd he say?
- Nothing.
- I will leave.
- "My balls are itchy."
- So, scratch them?
- What?
No, no, no.
That's what he said.
Look, I'm sorry, he's
obviously gone for the night.
I thought we'd get somewhere with this.
- He's not that far gone.
The sobering ritual.
- The...
- Ah!
- Are you awake?
- Stop it!
- Are you sober?
- Are you sure we should be doing this?
- Ah!
- What's the square root of nine?
- What?
What does that,
three!
Three, it's three!
- Okay.
- It's three.
That's the way my wife and
daughter used to sober me up.
Sarah.
- Jack.
- Hey, so I'm gonna get
you two some coffee.
- I'll take a Fazenda Santa Ines.
You can get it at that Brazilian
place down on Piermont.
- Right, Jack?
- Black, just black.
I called.
- New show?
Why?
- It's complicated.
I, um,
I got inspired.
- That's great.
That's great, Jack.
I'm glad you got inspired.
But a new play from scratch in
what I'm told is a
preposterous amount of time?
Look at yourself.
You smell worse than you look,
and you look awful.
From what Ethan tells me,
you haven't written a single worthy note
and you have an entire company
of people depending on you.
I can tell you from experience
that when people depend
on you, they get hurt.
- Look, um,
I have to write.
I, uh, I'm gonna go write.
- I gotta admit, kid, you did good.
- What are you doing here?
They're right inside.
- What?
You're just talking to a couple
of mechanics about stuff.
- For a second, I thought for
sure you'd blow your cover.
- No.
- But that corny bullshit
you came up with,
"Jack Cosmo made the whole
wide world a better place,"
I gotta admit, I'm impressed.
- It's not bullshit, Barry.
- Whatever you say, Opie.
I guess you're more
foo-foo than I thought.
Hey, don't you have some
coffee to get, rook?
- Aww, man, I got oil on my onesie.
- You have not changed one bit.
- Yes, I have.
I used to drink gin.
Sarah!
I know I have to change.
It's hard when you don't
have anyone to change for.
- No, I will not do this.
You feel sorry for yourself all you want,
but don't drag everyone
else down with you.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I do not feel sorry for myself, okay?
I feel sorry for you,
for all that I put you
and your mom through.
Okay?
I'm sorry.
I screwed up, okay?
I'm saying it right here.
I am sorry.
If this is hell, I deserve it.
- Yeah, you do.
Can you just be honest with
me for once in your life?
- There were some gambling debts
and the head of the five families--
- Big Mike Cicero?
- Wants me to write a show for him.
If I do, he'll forgive
my debts, let me live.
If I don't, he'll put me out of my misery.
You know, as I say it now,
it sounds kind of crazy.
- Kind of crazy?
So, call the police.
- He'll kill me.
- Okay, the FBI?
- Again, bullet, brain.
Still, there's a part of me, you know,
that thinks maybe,
I'm a silly old man.
- You better get back to writing.
- Yeah.
Back to writing.
Sarah?
It is so good to see you again.
I mean, it's really
great to see you again.
And even if all this ends up
with me liquefying in a bag of lye,
it was worth it just for this.
- You always could turn a phrase.
- What are you doing?
- You never read that
University of Madrid study
on how work environment
affects creativity?
It was written in Basque.
Anyway, it's not a
difficult language to learn.
I am cleaning up, and then I'm leaving.
Maybe I'll come back tomorrow,
see how the production is going.
Maybe.
But if I see you take one drink,
if I hear one lie, If you place one bet.
Capisce?
Get back to work.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Okay, I am back with the coffee.
- Great, give it all to Jack.
- All to Jack?
Okay.
Okay.
Hey, this is weird, but you
know that Brazilian coffee,
that special coffee?
It was like $30 a cup.
- You know, my father had a saying
whenever a young unknown complained
about having to pay for coffee.
- Welcome to show biz, kid.
♪ Looking at me now ♪
♪ People wonder how I
ever got into this game ♪
♪ Well, it wasn't always me ♪
♪ Calling out the scenes ♪
♪ It took years to build my name ♪
♪ Before I wrote a page ♪
♪ I would clean the stage ♪
♪ While the higher-ups got the fame ♪
♪ With a pat on the back ♪
♪ They would smile and say ♪
♪ Jack, welcome to show biz, kid ♪
♪ Welcome to show biz ♪
♪ You coo coo kid ♪
♪ Moving through the years ♪
♪ I kinda disappeared ♪
♪ From gambling every now and then ♪
♪ And while nobody in town ♪
♪ Saw the curtain go down ♪
♪ I know that it will rise again ♪
♪ Now a few of them are thugs ♪
♪ And some others may do drugs ♪
♪ Or fool around with estrogen ♪
♪ You may seem perverse ♪
♪ But I'm here to make it work ♪
♪ Welcome to show biz, kid ♪
♪ Cosmo, Cosmo ♪
♪ That's me, baby ♪
♪ It's time to start the show ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ The whole world's waiting for the band ♪
♪ To start playing ♪
♪ It's all in your hands ♪
♪ For this golden stage ♪
♪ Oh, we are swingin' now baby ♪
♪ In a few days' time ♪
♪ We'll cross that line ♪
♪ And we're hoping for a homerun ♪
♪ Because opening night's ♪
♪ Got to be just right ♪
♪ Or everything comes undone ♪
♪ I gotta make 'em shiver ♪
♪ I gotta make 'em quiver ♪
♪ I hope that I'm as good
as they all remember ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ 'Cause wouldn't you just hate it ♪
♪ If no one ever stated ♪
♪ Welcome to show biz, kid ♪
♪ Cosmo ♪
♪ From the bottom to the top now ♪
♪ Cosmo ♪
♪ Only I could teach you how ♪
♪ Cosmo ♪
♪ It ain't time for my final bow ♪
♪ It's time to start the show ♪
- Look at what I'm wearing.
I am all in white.
White is Alfredo sauce.
I coordinate my sauces with my suits.
- But Wednesday's usually
your rouge suit day, boss.
Today's Wednesday.
- Hey, Hey!
It's any day I say it is, you got that?
- Yeah, boss.
- I wear white on Tuesday.
- You wear white on Fridays, boss.
- I wear white on Fridays.
- I can see that, boss.
- You know you're working
through the weekend, right?
Yeah.
- Michael,
We're missing you down
here in the Caymans.
- Ben, hey.
Yeah, hey, listen.
My plane is making humming noises.
I don't fly to the Caymans when my plane
is making humming noises.
- What's wrong with the plane?
- What am I, a freaking mechanic?
How do I know?
He says it's gonna be
fixed in about a day.
- Well, um, how about--
I come to you then?
- Yeah, that's good.
Yeah, swing by, that's all right.
- Great.
So, at your office?
- No, not the office.
I want you to Come to the theater.
We've got a big freakin' night.
We'll do the deal before the show, okay?
- Splendid!
Where is this theater?
- Yeah.
You're gone?
Yeah, you're gone, okay.
- I gotta call you back.
- That'll come right out, boss.
I got the magic stick in the other room.
- Come here.
It's ridiculous.
- Just about everything
in this business is,
but he's gotta overcome
his fears, Gregory.
Now, here he comes.
You're on, you're on, go!
Go!
- I don't believe it.
It's my dead mother's mole!
- I've been watching
you from the other side.
I'm very disappointed.
- Because I'm not smoking enough crack?
- Whooo.
No.
You been smoking too much crack.
You gotta stop.
Boo.
- Stop smoking crack.
I, I never thought of that.
- Jodi, you're really good with the moves.
Can you get me some extra
professional dancers
to make this thing pop a little bit?
- Sure, boss.
I have a prescription for everything.
- Oh!
You he, she freak!
- Bitch kicked indigo in the balls!
- Oh, no!
- Kristina, the rage
has got to stop, baby.
The rage has got to stop.
I want you to do me a favor.
Every time you feel that
you're gonna lose it, here.
Here, take this tack, okay?
And I want you to press
it against your skin
as hard as you can.
Will you do that for me?
Okay?
And it'll make you stop.
Will you try that?
Okay.
That's good.
- Sweat?
- Yeah, I ran out of E's.
I'm just glad to have a marquis at all.
You know what?
We open tomorrow night,
what do you say we celebrate?
- Oh, yes!
- How do we expect anyone to come see it?
The public doesn't know about it.
- My father took care of that.
- How does your father expect to sell
any tickets without any
radio ads, any print ads,
any television commercials?
- Well, we sold out in five minutes.
Like I said, my dad took care of it.
- Listen, I am all for a celebration,
just as long as the party
tonight does not include any crack.
Oh, oh.
Hello?
I gotta take this.
Go for Clifton.
- Well, I don't know about crack,
but I thought maybe a little barbecue.
- Yes, I love meat!
- Mike, if you don't mind.
- That's my father's grill, Jack.
- Well, since he's not using it,
I thought maybe we could.
- Yeah, but if he finds out
you stole from him, he'll, uh--
- Well, maybe, he doesn't find out.
Oh.
- And please remember,
this is not a weapon.
- Funny guy.
Okay, let's fire it up, come on.
- We'll season the patties.
- So, how ya feel?
- Well, for the first time in a long time,
I don't have an urge to
drive into oncoming traffic.
- Right.
Is that good?
Bad?
Good?
- It's good.
- Oh good.
- I feel good.
- Good.
- Thanks, Ethan.
- For what?
- For giving me a voice to write for.
- So, you're gonna need
that for your burger.
- Oh.
Thank you.
Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
Do you have any idea what time it is?
I have a show tomorrow.
- Hey, Olivier, you're undercover.
It's pretend, now focus.
We just got off the line with Ben.
The deal is going down
tomorrow before the show.
- Wait, wait, you mean--
- Operation foo-foo is over the second
our agent meets with Big Mike.
- What about the show?
- How hard is this to figure out?
There isn't going to be a show.
You got a problem, rook?
- No.
- Good.
Now, go get your beauty sleep.
Wouldn't want you to look
tired on your big day tomorrow.
- See, Barry?
It's not so hard to be nice.
- He was being sarcastic.
It looks like a strip club.
- How are we supposed to get in
- Ladies, hey, let's go!
Robes off.
Good.
Hey, last looks!
- Beautiful.
This is a wonderful party for you!
I can see you tomorrow
morning already, beaming.
- I told you not to read my future.
- Gentlemen, the condor is in the nest.
The condor is in the nest.
- Where?
- I think he's saying,
Big Mike is in the building.
- Well, why didn't he just say that?
- I'm talking in code, you tool.
- Well, now I'm really disappointed.
You know how passionate
I am about ornithology.
- Orny what?
- Would you two please just shut up?
- Huh?
Isn't that beautiful?
- So beautiful.
Tell Ben to get into position.
- Hey, didn't mean to scare you.
- No, no, you didn't scare me.
- Jitters are normal.
- Well, this is my first show.
First show.
- I figured that might be
dancing around in your head.
- Yeah.
- Know what I think you should do?
- What?
- I think you should ask me out.
- Huh?
- Is that not something you'd like?
- No, no, I, uh, actually
I thought about that.
I thought, maybe I should ask her out.
I thought, what if she doesn't
want to go out with me?
Awkward moment.
I just didn't say anything at that point.
Just if you didn't, you
said no, with people around,
I just can't have that
in my life right now.
- I might not want to go out with you.
- Right.
- Right.
And you'll only find out if you ask.
- Right.
I should ask.
Mm-hmm.
- Now, um, okay.
Uh, so would you like to go,
this is now middle school.
Would you like to go out with me?
- I will tell you in two hours.
- What?
- You're not worrying about
the show anymore, are ya?
- No.
- Ben is coming in now.
Get him to his seat and make the deal.
If I have to sit through this entire show,
I am killing everyone in this place.
Ethan, are you even in position?
- Excuse me, sir?
You need to take your seat.
The show's about to start.
- I don't know why y'all always
wanna mess with the brother,
like black people don't watch musicals.
Most of the dancers in
here is black, I bet you.
'Cause we can dance.
- Excuse me, sit down.
- All right, Jackie Gleason.
Look here, you need to go back down
to the unemployment bureau and get a job
that fits your weight class.
Ushers are little, tiny people,
children like them little girls.
Come on, man.
You got a pistol on you?
Ethan, are you in position?
You okay?
- Jack, Sarah, look, there's
something I need to tell you.
- Kid, you're supposed to be on stage.
- Save the big reveals for after the show.
- Sarah, listen.
If I don't tell you this now,
there's not gonna be a show.
- Fine, what is it?
- The short version?
I'm an FBI agent.
- Ha.
- What?
- He's so good.
Okay, save it for the stage.
- No, seriously, I'm an FBI agent.
They sent me here for Big Mike.
Look, he's making a deal with
one of our undercover agents,
and if that deal happens, then your show
doesn't go on.
- You lied to me?
- Yes.
Yes, you can get mad at me later.
- Don't tell me when I can get mad at you!
- Look, I'm trying to make this right.
Look, look, look.
See that guy over there in the ascot?
- Oh, yeah.
Jeez.
- That's our agent.
I need you to find a way to
get that guy away from Big Mike
for the rest of the show.
You can't let that guy, that guy,
oh, and especially that guy
get suspicious of what you're doing.
- Hello.
- Hey, Benny, how ya doing?
- Good, how are you?
- Nice to see you, good.
Move over.
Sit down.
- I didn't ask for this,
but now that I've got it,
I don't want to lose it.
- I know, I know, which is
why I just blew my cover.
Believe me, I could lose my
job for telling you this.
Actually, technically, I could go to jail.
- I screwed everything up.
Sarah, you left me because of me,
your mother left me because of me,
now the show's falling
apart because of me.
- Jack, the show is
happening because of you.
- Guys, we need to move, right now.
- You deserve your night, dad.
- So, are we doing this?
- Ladies and gentlemen, may I
have your attention, please?
- Ethan, what the hell is going on?
- We have a very special surprise
for one lucky member
of tonight's audience.
One of you gets to watch
the entire production
right next to the auteur,
the man of the hour,
Jack Cosmo himself.
- See, what did I tell you?
Something good is going to happen today.
- It better happen for me,
I'm gonna kill somebody.
- Ethan, come in!
- Would you be quiet?
They're announcing the winner.
- Think it'll be me?
- And the winning seat
number is table three,
seat D!
- God, that was right next to me.
- Who is the lucky winner?
- My friend, Ben, over here.
Ben, you won.
Good for you.
I could kill ya.
Just joking.
But seriously, I'm imagining that now.
You better get outta here.
- I don't think you understand,
I don't want this.
- Let's give him a round of
applause, ladies and gentlemen.
- It always goes to the undeserved.
- Like the lotto.
- Or left-overs.
- Please sit back and relax.
The show will begin in just a few minutes.
- Ethan!
- Whoa!
Jack, I think I'm in
love with your daughter.
- You'd be stupid if you weren't, kid.
Come on, we're doing this.
Ben, what did
you say your last name was?
- I didn't.
- Okay, well, Ben, this is Jack Cosmo.
- Give it to somebody else, all right?
- Nonsense!
Everybody saw you win.
If you go back to your seat now,
it would look really suspicious.
Right, Sarah?
- Yeah, weirdly suspicious.
- Weirdly.
- Suspicious.
- I'll give you a quick tour,
just take a look around,
you'll go right back to your seat, okay?
Yeah, right back here.
- Fine!
Yes!
- Nice ascot.
- Ah.
- Oh, oh, I have got to stop drinking.
No, you should be
resting after that nasty fall.
- Ben, come in.
Report.
Ben!
- Come on, get this over here like that.
Yeah, that's right.
- I promise we're gonna let you go
as soon as the show's over.
- Listen to me!
You are interfering with an FBI.
- Can't hear you!
Fa-la-la-la!
- Jack, Jack, don't worry.
We'll handle it.
- Yeah, we're already wanted by the FBI.
- We are?
- Well, I know I'd like
to be wanted by the FBI.
- Oh, girl, you're so bad!
And it feels so good!
- Shhh, shhh!
Thank you, ladies, thank you.
- Marshmallow?
Wait, candy shop?
- Jack, this is your candy shop.
And it is your building.
And it is your fault
that we're in this mess.
Now, you better figure out
a way to pay back Clifton,
or we're gonna lose the shop!
Clifton?
- Sarah was right.
You cannot hold your candy.
- Sarah?
Wait!
My Sarah?
Please, tell me where she is.
I need to see her.
Well, I'll get you a
handful of mint jelly beans,
so she doesn't smell the
chocolate on your breath.
- Ben, come in, report!
Ben!
We can still do the deal
before the act break, Ben.
- Shhh!
- This is his most
personal work yet, Barry.
Show some respect.
And I'm losing myself.
- Forget this.
Christ.
I'm gonna go back there myself
and see what's happening.
- When are you gonna grow up?
This world is yours.
You're the director.
What did you just say?
I said, "You're the director."
You direct your own destiny.
Sarah, wait!
- What is it, Jack?
- Jack?
Whatever happened to dad?
Daddy?
I mean, I'd even take old man.
- You're unbelievable.
- Sarah, if I said something to hurt you,
it wasn't me!
I just got here.
- Just got here?
- Yes, yes, I woke up,
and I was in this factory,
in this world where you're
standing here talking to me.
And it's a dream come true.
You have to help me!
- I don't have to do anything with you!
You know why?
- No, why?
You know why?
- What are you doing?
- Is she supposed to be throwing those?
- No, she's not.
- You don't waltz back into my life
and just expect me to just forgive you!
- Please don't hit me.
- This is great.
- Best show ever.
- Because of this!
- Oh!
Uh, that, yes!
I'm a slob, I'll take a shower!
- You're an ass!
- Hey, you watch your mouth!
Sarah, wait, please.
It's not my fault.
Please wait!
- Your breath reeks of this crap.
- Well, it's awesome!
I mean, seriously, have you tried it?
It's like scotch and gin had a baby
and that baby had
another baby with heroin.
- Don't, okay?
Just don't.
I love you, dad.
I love you so much.
- Your mother once asked
me a question, Sarah.
She wanted to know if it was possible
for a person to change.
- It's pure Cosmo.
- I can't believe we're here tonight.
I couldn't have done this without you.
- "Bite of our Lives" positions, let's go!
Last looks, come on!
Let's go.
"Bite of our Lives" positions now.
"Bite of our Lives" is up.
Where are my trannies?
Last looks, positions
for "Bite of our Lives".
- We're in that number!
- What about him?
We need to keep a tight eye on him.
- I have an idea.
- Okay, girls, come on, come on.
Clifton, Clifton,
your cue isn't 'til later, okay?
So, just stuff one of these in his
mouth and lock the door when you go, okay?
All right.
It's just 'til the end of the show, honey.
Come on, girls.
- We gotta get changed.
- I don't know what
you did to get yourself
into this pickle, but I know a mole
that makes a lot of sense.
- Jesus.
- Mmm, slight resemblance if you catch
it in the right light, but
either way, just a mole.
One that's on your face,
you know, not one that goes in the ground.
That would be crazy.
- But, you're not crazy.
- No.
- So, if you'll just let me go--
- Where is my hat?
- It's show time.
Thank you for coming.
♪ You're far too kind ♪
♪ But, now it's my turn ♪
♪ To blow your mind ♪
♪ If we look back centuries ♪
♪ Ancient explorers crossed the seas ♪
♪ Looking for land ♪
♪ And endless wealth ♪
♪ But they discovered something else ♪
♪ This type of payday ♪
♪ Grew on trees ♪
♪ And had a kiss of divinity ♪
♪ And pretty soon ♪
♪ The world renowned ♪
♪ The cocoa plants
sprouting from the ground ♪
♪ But for thousands of years ♪
♪ Chocolate has been the same ♪
♪ What a shame ♪
♪ This is why we're gathered here ♪
♪ 'Cause we just changed the game ♪
♪ So sit up straight ♪
♪ Eyes on me ♪
♪ You're 'bout to get a taste of history ♪
♪ I hope you brought ♪
♪ A change of clothes ♪
♪ 'Cause right here in front of you ♪
♪ Beneath your noses ♪
♪ Is a breakthrough ♪
♪ Quite the prize ♪
♪ It gives you that feeling ♪
♪ In your thighs ♪
♪ When you crave a crunch ♪
♪ But the well's run dry ♪
♪ The solution is here ♪
♪ And it's bite-sized ♪
♪ Oh, don't we all deserve a chance ♪
♪ To find that happiness ♪
♪ We've been hoping for ♪
♪ In our minds ♪
♪ Even if it is something
that we had lost before ♪
♪ It is right here ♪
♪ Standing before you ♪
♪ Ready to be found once more ♪
♪ So ♪
♪ Open your boxes ♪
♪ Lick your lips ♪
♪ Hold this miracle in your fingertips ♪
♪ It doesn't melt inside your hand ♪
♪ Not a smudge ♪
♪ But the time for talk is over ♪
♪ You be the judge of Cosmo ♪
♪ Cosmo ♪
♪ It's time to start the show ♪
♪ The stars are all aligning ♪
♪ There's no denying ♪
♪ That this work of art ♪
♪ Will melt your candy heart ♪
- Ugh!
♪ And it gives me great pride ♪
♪ To ask you all to open wide ♪
♪ The time has finally arrived ♪
♪ To take the bite of your lives ♪
- Son, I love you!
- I love it.
- I had no idea, I swear I had no idea.
- Musical theater, huh?
- Musical f'in theater!
- Hey.
- Oh, hey!
I was so jealous of you.
How was it back there?
- Oh, great, lots of fun, learned a lot.
Listen, are we doing this deal?
- Shhh!
The big finale's gonna come up.
We'll talk after.
- Just tell me the deal's good!
- Yeah, the deal is good,
of course it's good.
- Thank Christ.
Now!
- You son of a bitch.
You're a fed.
- And you're under arrest.
- Pop, we gotta get out of here.
- No, I've been set up.
By him, back there.
Everybody outta here!
- Stay here.
- Wait, what are you doing?
- Where are you guys?
- Hey!
- It was you, wasn't it, Jack?
- This is between us.
Please, don't hurt anyone.
- You set me up.
Don't even think about lying to me.
- I just wanted the show to be special.
- Special?
This is the best work
you've done in years.
I can't wait to see how it ends,
but you were working with them.
- I swear to god, Mike--
- It was me, Big Mike.
Aim that at me.
- Listen, you'll be able
to buy your way out of it,
but not if you kill me
in front of everybody.
Big Mike, may I call you Big Mike?
- Not no more now!
- You gave me my life back, man.
Please, don't take it away.
- All right, consider another scenario.
If I kill you now, you'll go out on top.
So, I'm sort of doing you a favor.
You're welcome.
What, did everybody run
in front of my bullet?
Son, what the hell?
- He loved my grill.
- Why are you so concerned
about a stupid-ass grill?
- Go.
- Freeze!
Who got hit?
- Jack, the show is beautiful.
Beautiful!
- What, nobody?
Son of a bitch.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, stay put.
We'll get you an ambulance.
- Oh, no, no, no.
I have been shot so much worse than this.
- Hey, Jack, the show's gonna be a hit.
And I know people.
And you're no credit risk, Cosmo.
- Dad?
Hey.
- You okay?
You all right?
- I'm, I'm, yeah, I'm in one piece.
- Okay.
- Um,
how about the finale?
- The audience is gone, baby.
- You're here.
- I don't think it's up to me.
- Yeah, technically we are all witnesses,
and we have to make statements.
- See, this is why I don't
like working with rookies.
Go finish the foo-foo.
We can take statements later.
- Agent Trimble,
it's been two hours.
- It's been two hours, yes.
Oh, yes, okay.
Well, I was wondering if
you are free this weekend
and if you like Korean food--
♪ There is a fire that
can burn into the day ♪
♪ There is a fire than
can always light my way ♪
♪ So burn on ♪
♪ You lovely flame ♪
♪ Shine your light down on me ♪
♪ And I'll shine my light on you ♪
♪ Shine your light down once again ♪
♪ All you had to do ♪
♪ Was try ♪
♪ Try ♪
♪ The clouds will open up ♪
♪ And you'll see the sky ♪
♪ Filled with stars ♪
♪ And planets all aligned ♪
♪ Sometimes ♪
♪ All you need to do is try ♪
♪ Some people started wars over a kiss ♪
♪ Have braved the coldest
winters for moments like this ♪
♪ Sometimes ♪
♪ All you need to do is try ♪
♪ We were lost in the darkness ♪
♪ So scared of the night ♪
♪ Now we stand here unafraid ♪
♪ We are ready for this fight ♪
♪ It's so hard to walk along ♪
♪ When no one is by your side ♪
♪ But love is never singing good-bye ♪
♪ Sometimes ♪
♪ All you need to do is try ♪
♪ The walls are down ♪
♪ The fire burns ♪
♪ The missing pages have returned ♪
♪ There's no longer any doubt ♪
♪ We truly have what it takes ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm here and now ♪
♪ And I'm wide awake ♪
♪ Sometimes ♪
♪ Sometimes ♪
♪ All you need to do is try ♪
♪ All you need to do is try to live ♪
♪ To love, to love ♪
♪ To see how far we've come ♪
♪ How sweet it could be ♪
♪ How sweet it is ♪
♪ This ain't my first show ♪
♪ Ha ♪
♪ All of you really oughtta know ♪
♪ That I'm the king of this rodeo ♪
♪ I still got the juice ♪
♪ So listen close ♪
♪ When the spotlight burns ♪
♪ And the orchestra
plays somethin' smart ♪
♪ These are the things
you all should learn ♪
♪ To get you straight
into the people's hearts ♪
♪ Oh oh ♪
♪ It's all about the soul ♪
♪ It's all about the melody ♪
♪ It's all about lettin' it all hang out ♪
♪ And so that's our choreography ♪
♪ Echo, just an echo ♪
♪ A silhouette of what we used to know ♪
♪ Affliction ♪
♪ Cold addiction ♪
♪ It snuffed out all the
things that helped you grow ♪
♪ Now I've been here ♪
♪ For good and for bad ♪
♪ Always by your side ♪
♪ But remember the things that you had ♪
♪ Can't you see ♪
♪ You have to try ♪
♪ Try to take your walls down ♪
♪ Building ♪
♪ The pressure's building ♪
♪ Unfolding like some twisted cabaret ♪
♪ You had a bedroom for two ♪
♪ And dinner waiting for you ♪
♪ It's everything I hope to have someday ♪
♪ Factory ♪
♪ Sugar and sweetness can ease your mind ♪
♪ But family ♪
♪ A sense of completeness
is hard to find ♪
♪ What happened to the
world that I once knew ♪
♪ Tonight's the night, old friend ♪
♪ Tonight's the night it all goes live ♪
♪ Which way can I turn ♪
♪ What can I do ♪
♪ I need that old Jack to come alive ♪
♪ And take the walls down ♪
♪ That you've created ♪
♪ Take a good look around ♪
♪ Jack, take your walls down ♪
♪ What you've been
missing is not too lost ♪
♪ To be found ♪