How I Got Into College (1989) - full transcript

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
20th CENTURY FOX

[CHEERING]

"IN THE FINAL MOMENTS
OF A MARATHON,

"TWO RUNNERS, A AND B,

"PASS A POINT THAT IS 100 METERS

"FROM THE FINISH LINE
AT THE SAME TIME

"AND THEN RUN THE FINAL
100 METERS OF THE RACE

"AT DIFFERENT CONSTANT SPEEDS.

"AFTER THE RUNNERS
PASS THE POINT,

"A RUNS 80 METERS
IN THE TIME B RUNS 60 METERS.

"HOW MANY METERS
WILL B HAVE LEFT IN THE RACE



WHEN A REACHES
THE FINISH LINE?"

LET'S SEE.

WELL, A IS WINNING, RIGHT,
BY 60--NO, 80 METERS,

BUT AT DIFFERENT
CONSTANT SPEEDS,

SO B COULD CATCH UP,

I MEAN, IF B's CONSTANT SPEED
SHOULD SOMEHOW...

NO, BUT THIS COULD BE
ONE OF THOSE TRICK QUESTIONS.

SO A HAS TO WIN, RIGHT?
YEAH.

A MUST WIN BY--
OH, GOD. WHO KNOWS?

OH, I DON'T KNOW
THE ANSWER.

[BANG]

HEY! WHAT THE HELL'S
GOING ON HERE?

WELL, I'M NO GOOD
ON THE MATH PART.

YOU'RE A MORON.
IT'S EASY.



YOU GUYS SHOULD HAVE
BEEN IN THE VERBAL SECTION.

I HAVE TO
THINK THIS OVER AGAIN.

OVER AGAIN? FORGET IT.
I'M EXHAUSTED.

I'LL RUN IT AGAIN.
YOU KNOW, NO PROBLEM.

YOU WOULD.

GIVE HIM A BREAK.

HE'S JUST
SOME JUNIOR

SWEATIN' OUT
HIS S.A.T.s.

A: HEY, WHO GIVES A SHIT?

HEY, YOU GOT A PROBLEM?

AFRAID I'LL WIN? IS THAT
WHAT'S HAPPENING?

YOU CAN'T WIN. YOU'RE B.
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA WIN!

OH, REALLY?

YOU ARE A DISGRACE
TO THE ENTIRE ALPHABET.

OH, REALLY?
YEAH.

ALPHABETIZE THIS!

Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THIS IS A SHOCKING SITUATION

UNFOLDING
AT THE FINISH LINE.

AND YET WASN'T THE OUTCOME
ENTIRELY PREDICTABLE

WITH OUR ATHLETES
COUNTING ON...

MARLON BROWNE?

Marlon: GOSH, I'M SORRY.

YOU GUYS SHOULD HAVE BEEN
IN JESSICA KAILO'S S.A.T.s.

YOU'D BE DRINKING
GATORADE BY NOW.

ARE YOU COPYING?

MM-MMM. NOPE.

I'M FINE. THANKS.

[TWEET]

[BELL RINGS]

Proctor: OK, GANG,
IT'S ALL THROUGH.

LET'S HAND IT IN.

HERE YOU GO,
MRS. WYLER.

HOW DO YOU THINK
YOU DID, MARLON?

UH, I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S KIND OF HARD TO TELL
FROM A BUNCH OF DOTS.

YEAH, WELL,
I'M SURE YOU DID FINE.

I'M SURE YOU DID FINE.

OH!

IT'S NOTHING. REALLY.

UH, HAVE
A GOOD SEMESTER.

OH, DEAR.

[CHEERING]

♪ NEVER MET A GIRL COULD MAKE ME
FEEL THE WAY THAT YOU DO ♪

♪ YOU'RE ALL RIGHT ♪

♪ WHENEVER I'M ASKED
WHAT MAKES MY DREAMS REAL... ♪

ARE YOU GONNA TAKE THE
S.A.T.s AGAIN NEXT MONTH?

I HAVE TO.
WITH THE SCORES I HAVE NOW,

I CAN ONLY GET INTO
THE SCHOOLS I'D NEVER GO TO.

KEL, IT'S ONE
OVERRATED TEST.

YEAH, WELL,
YOU CAN SAY THAT, JESSICA,

'CAUSE YOU HAVE
REALLY GREAT SCORES.

LOOK, YOU GUYS,
WE GOTTA EASE UP.

IF WE'RE
THIS CRAZY NOW,

WHAT'S IT GONNA
BE LIKE IN APRIL?

I'M NOT GONNA MAKE IT TO APRIL.
I KNOW IT.

YOU KNOW, I HEARD ABOUT THIS
ONE GIRL WHO LOST IT SO BAD

SHE WENT INTO
A MENTAL INSTITUTION.

YOU MEAN THE ONE
THAT REALLY CRACKED

AND TOOK OFF ALL HER CLOTHES
IN THE INTERVIEW?

OH, YEAH. DID YOU HEAR
WHAT HAPPENED?

NO.

IT WAS TERRIBLE,

BECAUSE WHEN SHE WENT IN
FOR HER INTERVIEW,

SHE WAS COMPLETELY,
TOTALLY PREPARED

TO DISCUSS
THE NUCLEAR FREEZE,

DRUG ABUSE,
VIOLENCE IN MOVIES--

ALL THE IMPORTANT ISSUES.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT
THE INTERVIEWER DID INSTEAD?

HE HIT HER WITH
A STRESS QUESTION.

BASTARD.

JUST TO WATCH HER
SQUIRM, HE ASKED,

"IF YOU COULD BE ANY
MAJOR HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCE,

WHICH ONE WOULD IT BE,
AND WHY?"

OHH.

SHE BLURTED OUT,
"VACUUM CLEANER,"

BUT COULDN'T
BACK IT UP.

IT WAS ALL DOWNHILL
AFTER THAT.

NO MATTER WHAT SHE SAID,
HE WASN'T INTERESTED.

FINALLY, HE TURNS
TO HER AND SAYS,

"LOOKS LIKE
YOUR TIME'S UP, MISS,

"UNLESS YOU HAVE
ANYTHING ELSE INTERESTING

YOU'D LIKE TO REVEAL
ABOUT YOURSELF."

AND THAT'S WHEN SHE--

SOMEONE TOLD ME SHE'S
STILL IN THE HOSPITAL.

NO, SHE'S DEAD.

OHH!

SLIT HER WRISTS WITH
THE APPLICATION FORM.

THAT'S HOW
SHE DID IT?

DUH!

OH.

COME ON, YOU GUYS.
I WAS JOKING.

LOOK, EVERY YEAR,
PEOPLE PASS AROUND

THESE STORIES ABOUT
THE KID WHO CRACKED.

SOMEONE JUST MADE IT UP
TO SCARE US.

YEAH, WELL, IT WORKED
FOR ME. I'M SCARED.

I'M TERRIFIED.

I THINK
GETTING INTO COLLEGE

IS JUST LIKE
ANY OTHER CAMPAIGN,

AND WE JUST NEED

A LITTLE BIT
OF STRATEGY.

YEAH, THAT'S WHY I ASKED
MY PARENTS TO MOVE TO MONTANA,

TO HELP ME GET INTO SOME
OF THE EAST COAST SCHOOLS.

WELL, I DON'T THINK
IT'S THAT CRAZY.

I'M SURE GONNA
MISS MY DOG, THOUGH.

YOU'RE STARING
AT ME AGAIN, MARLON.

[KISS KISS KISS]

DON'T DO THIS, OLIVER.

I'M WEAK
FROM UNREQUITED LOVE.

TALK TO HER ABOUT IT

AND END THIS TWISTED CHILDHOOD
OBSESSION WITH JESSICA KAILO.

THIS IS TRUE LOVE,
OLIVER.

I MEAN, HOW MANY PEOPLE
DO YOU KNOW

WHO REALLY END UP

WITH THEIR HIGH SCHOOL
SWEETHEARTS?

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO,

WAIT TILL YOU GET TO COLLEGE
TO TALK TO HER?

I HAVE SEEN
SEEN A MYRIAD OF MEN

COME AND GO THROUGH
JESSICA KAILO'S LIFE

SINCE THE SIXTH GRADE.

I AM NOT GOING TO MAKE
THOSE SAME MISTAKES.

I'M COMMITTED.

YOU SHOULD BE
COMMITTED.

I KNOW. I KNOW.
YOU HAVE BIGGER PLANS.

OF COURSE I DO.

WHAT'S IT GOING TO TAKE
TO CONVINCE OF THAT?

FORGET ABOUT
THIS GO-TO-COLLEGE CRAP.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH
EXPERIENCING THE REAL WORLD?

LOOK, WE GET OUT
OF HIGH SCHOOL,

WE STICK OUT
OUR THUMBS, AND POW!

WE GOT A FOUR-YEAR JUMP
ON EVERYBODY.

WE MAY EVEN RUN AMUCK
WITH REBEL GAME SHOW HOSTESSES

TRAVELING THE WORLD
WITH UNCLAIMED VACATION PRIZES.

I'M SORRY, OLIVER.
I JUST--

I DON'T BUY INTO
THE THEORY

THAT ON DAY ONE
OF REAL LIFE,

WE STICK OUT OUR THUMBS,
AND POW,

VANNA WHITE PICKS US UP
AND DRIVES US OFF

INTO A BRIGHT
AN EXCITING TOMORROW.

WELL, I DON'T BUY INTO
THE THEORY

THAT GETTING
A COLLEGE EDUCATION

HAS GOTTA REVOLVE ENTIRELY
AROUND THE POSSIBILITY

OF JESSICA KAILO FINALLY
GIVING YOU THE TIME OF DAY!

[ALL NOISE STOPS]

IT'S 12:30.

THANK YOU.

SURE.

Girl: OH, MAN.

HA HA HA!

HERE WE GO.

HA HA!

HI,
MRS. ELSWIT-MERCADO-HAZELBAUM.

I'M HERE TO SEE
MRS. WYLER.

OH!

I'LL BE WITH YOU
IN A MINUTE, JESSICA.

OK. THANK YOU,
MRS. WYLER.

HI...MARTIN.

MARLON...BROWNE.

YOU'RE GOING TO
VOTE FOR ME?

OH, VOTE FOR YOU...
IN THE ELECTION.

FOR CLASS PRESIDENT.

OF COURSE,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

I WOULD LOVE TO.
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME A BUTTON,

AND THEN I'LL DO
PUBLICITY FOR YOU.

BUTTONS ARE $1.00.
MM-HMM.

[GIGGLES]

OH, ALL RIGHT.

NO, IT'S A JOKE.
IT'S A JOKE.

THEY'RE
JUST KIDDING YOU.

THERE YOU GO.
IT LOOKS GREAT.

HEY, WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME
SOME EXTRA ONES,

AND THEN I'LL
PASS THEM OUT FOR YOU.

OK. I APPRECIATE THAT.

OK, JESSICA.

WHEN ELECTED, MARLON,
I WON'T LET YOU DOWN.

BYE.

HI. SO HOW WAS ITALY,
JESSICA?

AH, IT WAS GREAT.
IT CHANGED MY LIFE.

WELL, BEING
AN EXCHANGE STUDENT

LOOKS SUPER ON YOUR RECORD.

YOU'D BE SURPRISED
HOW IMPORTANT IT IS

THE WAY YOU SPEND
YOUR SUMMERS.

IT'S GETTING INSANE.

OK, LET'S SEE.

LAST SPRING,

YOUR FIRST CHOICE
WAS MICHIGAN.

MY PARENTS ARE ALUMS.
THAT'S WHERE THEY MET.

WELL, MICHIGAN'S
AN EXCELLENT SCHOOL,

SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

I WANT TO GO
TO RAMSEY COLLEGE.

OOH, GOODY! RAMSEY.

I MET A GROUP OF KIDS
IN ITALY WHO GO TO RAMSEY.

THEY WERE ON THIS JUNIOR YEAR
ABROAD PROGRAM IN VENICE

TO SAVE THE ITALIAN FRESCOES
FROM POLLUTION.

AND WHILE I WAS THERE,

I REALIZED THAT'S EXACTLY
THE SORT OF THING I WANT TO DO

I MEAN, INSTEAD OF
BEING A SORORITY GIRL,

WHICH IS BASICALLY
THE DIRECTION

I'VE BEEN HEADED IN
EVER SINCE BIRTH.

MRS. WYLER,
THOSE KIDS ARE SO COOL.

I MEAN, WHEN THEY ORDER
SPAGHETTI, THEY CALL IT PASTA.

LOOK, I THINK YOU HAVE

A WONDERFUL CHANCE
TO GET INTO RAMSEY,

SO APPLY THERE
AND APPLY TO MICHIGAN.

RIGHT.

HERE YOU GO.

OH, THANK YOU.
GOOD LUCK.

THANKS. BYE.
BYE.

DO YOU HAVE
AN APPOINTMENT, MARLON?

OR DID YOU
JUST DROP IN?

HERE. COME HERE.

BYE-BYE.

SO, MARLON, ANY
SPECIFIC COLLEGE PLAN?

WELL, YOU KNOW
JESSICA KAILO.

THIS JESSICA KAILO?

MM-HMM.
THIS JESSICA KAILO.

THE SAME ONE
THAT JUST LEFT?

WELL, MY COLLEGE PLAN
SPECIFICALLY

IS TO GO WHEREVER
SHE MIGHT BE GOING.

THAT'S YOUR COLLEGE PLAN?

MM-HMM. THAT'S ABOUT
THE SIZE OF IT.

OUR PROJECTIONS INDICATE

THAT WE CAN EXPECT
OVER 8,000 APPLICATIONS

FOR THE 470 PLACES
IN NEXT YEAR'S CLASS.

WOW.
IN OTHER WORDS,

THAT'S ALMOST 20 CANDIDATES
FOR EACH AVAILABLE SPOT.

THANKS, SALLY.

IN OTHER WORDS,
IT'S A SELLER'S MARKET.

HEAR, HEAR.

NOW, AS USUAL, WE ARE TOP-HEAVY
WITH STUDENTS FROM BOTH COASTS,

SO FOR THOSE OF YOU
RECRUITING OUT WEST,

EYES OUT FOR THAT MYTHICAL KID
FROM MONTANA.

[GIGGLES]

YES, MISS SACHIE,
SOMETHING FUNNY?

NO. NO, SIR.
I'M--I'M SORRY.

OH, YES, AND YESTERDAY
I RECEIVED THIS MESSAGE

FROM THE MUSIC DEPARTMENT.

"JESUS, BOB, NO MORE OBOES."

NO MORE OBOES. HO HO!

LOCK UP THEIR PENCILS.
THAT'S ONE FUNNY BUNCH.

BY THE WAY,
DID EVERYONE SEE

THE POSTER KIP DESIGNED?

OH, YEAH. HAMMETT,
THE FLOOR IS YOURS.

OK. WELL, YOU KNOW,
IT'S JUST OUR REGULAR BROCHURE,

BUT UNFOLDED,
IT'S AN ART-QUALITY POSTER.

SALLY, CAN YOU--

SEE. "AT RAMSEY,

WE'RE LOOKING
BEYOND THE NUMBERS."

[COUGH COUGH]

BUT WHAT DOES
IT MEAN EXACTLY?

WHAT IT MEANS, FLUTTER,
IS THAT, SURE,

GRADES AND S.A.T.s
ARE IMPORTANT TO US,

BUT PEOPLE
IMPRESS US MORE.

WE'RE SENDING A MESSAGE.

WANT TO KNOW THE MESSAGE THAT
THIS POSTER IS SENDING, KIP?

NO.

BOB, IT SOUNDS TO ME

LIKE RAMSEY HAS
AN INFERIORITY COMPLEX.

COME ON. WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
RAMSEY ALWAYS GETS GREAT KIDS.

I WENT HERE.

EXACTLY.

I MEAN, I THINK
OUR MESSAGE SHOULD BE

THAT WE'RE SCRUTINIZING
THE NUMBERS.

SO DO I.

WE SHOULD BE COMPETITIVE
WITH ALL THE TOP SCHOOLS.

CHANCELLOR HOLBROOKE,
COME IN, PLEASE.

SIT DOWN, EVERYONE.

IS THAT A NEW SUIT?

IT'S YOUR COLOR,
MRS. HOLBROOKE.

THANK YOU, LEO.

Bob: AS I THINK
ALL OF YOU KNOW,

I'LL BE MOVING ON
TO ANOTHER SCHOOL NEXT YEAR.

CHANCELLOR HOLBROOKE WILL
BE NAMING MY REPLACEMENT,

SO I THOUGHT I WOULD
ASK HER TO COME IN

AND SAY A FEW WORDS.

AND THOSE FEW WORDS ARE

I AM LOOKING TO PROMOTE
FROM WITHIN.

I ALSO WANT TO THANK BOB

FOR THE FINE WORK HE'S DONE
THE LAST 17 YEARS.

THE QUALITY
OF OUR APPLICANT POOL

JUST GETS BETTER AND BETTER.

LEO SAYS THIS YEAR'S KIDS
SHOULD BE OFF THE CHARTS.

THANK YOU, CHANCELLOR.

JOANNA.

THIS YEAR, WE ARE
GOING TO GET KILLER KIDS,

THE KIND OF STUDENT
THAT CAN MAKE IT

IN THE REAL WORLD,

THE KIND THAT CAN LAND
THOSE HIGH-PAYING JOBS

AND DRIVE THOSE BIG CARS.

LIKE THAT BMW
YOU LEASE, RIGHT, LEO?

I THINK MY CAR SENDS
A VERY STRONG MESSAGE.

AND IF I HAD DESIGNED
THIS POSTER,

IT MIGHT READ--SALLY--

"COME TO RAMSEY,

AND ONE DAY YOU, TOO,
WILL OWN A BMW."

THANK YOU, SALLY.

NOW, THAT'S A SENTIMENT
THAT WON'T BE LOST

ON TODAY'S
CAREER-MINDED STUDENTS.

WHAT ABOUT KIDS THAT, YOU KNOW,
AREN'T SENTIMENTAL ABOUT CARS?

DO WE JUST REJECT
ALL OF THEM?

LIFE'S FULL
OF REJECTION, HAMMETT.

I THINK WE'RE DOING
THE LOW-CALIBER APPLICANT

A FAVOR
BY LETTING THEM KNOW THAT

RIGHT AT THE STARTING LINE.

IT'S VERY PAINFUL TO BE
REJECTED BY A COLLEGE,

MARLON, AND YOU DON'T
HAVE THE NUMBERS

TO GET INTO RAMSEY.

BUT I CAN TAKE MY S.A.T.s
OVER AGAIN, RIGHT?

AND YOU SHOULD
ALSO START TRYING

TO FIND SOME SAFETIES,

LIKE MAYBE A STATE SCHOOL
UP IN THE UPPER PENINSULA.

JESSICA KAILO'S
APPLYING THERE?

GET OUT OF HERE, MARLON.
GO. LEAVE. BEGONE. GET OUT.

THANK YOU, MRS. WYLER.

"AT RAMSEY, WE'RE LOOKING
BEYOND THE NUMBERS."

I'M BEGINNING TO LIKE
THE SOUND OF THAT, KIP.

YEAH, IT'LL HELP US
ROOT OUT THE PIGS, FLUTTER.

OR ANY OTHER BARNYARD ANIMALS
WHO ARE TRYING TO APPLY.

Flutter: IF YOU'D
READ THAT FOLDER,

YOU'D HAVE
FALLEN FOR IT, TOO.

COME ON, FLUTTER.
I MEAN,

THE TRANSCRIPT
READ "I. M. A. PIG."

IRVIN MICHAEL ANTHONY
PIGGSVILLE--

P-I WITH A DOUBLE G.
IT WAS A BRILLIANT PRANK.

IT WOULD HAVE
FOOLED ANYONE.

IT ONLY FOOLED YOU,
FLUTTER.

WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

OK, WHAT IS THIS?

ALL RIGHT, A YEAR AGO, I WAS
TRICKED INTO ADMITTING A PIG,

AND I WAS MADE A FOOL OF,

BUT CAN'T YOU LET ME
FORGET IT, LEO?

COME ON. I MEAN,
ALWAYS HIDING THESE PIGS

IN MY OFFICE.

PLEASE! AAH!

[SQUEAKING]

IT TAKES A SPECIAL BREED
OF ADMISSIONS OFFICER

TO ADMIT AN ANIMAL.

YEAH, EVEN ONE WITH
ALL THE NUMBERS.

THE NUMBERS ARE GREAT.
I'VE GOT 'EM IN MY OFFICE.

HEY, GUYS, COACH EVANS
IS LOOKING FOR YOU.

All: COACH EVANS. BREAK!

[TWEET] HOLD IT RIGHT THERE,
YOU PEOPLE.

IT MAKES ME NERVOUS

WHEN YOU BOYS DISAPPEAR
BEHIND CLOSED DOORS.

I END UP
WITH ATHLETIC CHEMISTS

AND WELL-ROUNDED
POLITICAL SCIENCE MAJORS

INSTEAD OF SOMEBODY
WHO CAN RUN WITH A FOOTBALL.

HAND-OFF
TO YOU, KIP.

I'VE GOT A LUNCH
WITH THE CHANCELLOR.

OH!

NICE MOVE.

BUT YOU AND I, WE'RE GONNA TALK
ABOUT IT NOW, GODDAMN IT!

GODDAMN IT!

NINA! COACH, COME ON.
I GIVE. UNCLE. UNCLE.

NOW, JUST IN CASE YOU'VE
FORGOTTEN WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE,

THIS IS AN ATHLETE.

Kip: RONNY
"SURE HANDS" PAULSON?

SURE HANDS.
HE'S ALREADY THE CENTER

OF AN ALL-OUT BIDDING WAR.

MAYBE WE COULD JUST
MENTION A CAR THIS YEAR,

A SMALL CAR.

I MEAN, SOME SCHOOLS
ARE OFFERING

STOCK PORTFOLIOS,
GODDAMN IT.

YOU'D BETTER
COORDINATE WITH NINA.

SHE'S OUR MAN IN CHARGE
OF MINORITY RECRUITMENT.

THIS IS NOT
MINORITY RECRUITMENT.

THIS IS ATHLETICS.

LOOK, THIS KID
CAN GET IN ANYWHERE.

I WANT SOMEONE
WHO NEEDS RAMSEY.

WELL, ME, TOO, IF HE CAN
CATCH A GODDAMN FOOTBALL.

HA HA HA!

SEE YOU, COACH.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST COME
WITH US TO THE COLLEGE FAIR

AND AT LEAST TALK
TO THE RAMSEY PEOPLE?

AW, I SHOULD TALK
TO THE RAMSEY PEOPLE?

THERE ARE JUST ABOUT
8 ZILLION KIDS

DYING
TO GET INTO MICHIGAN.

LOOK, YOUR SISTERS
WENT TO MICHIGAN.

THEY LOVED MICHIGAN.
THEY SURVIVED.

YEAH, THEY ALL SURVIVED HAM
PINEAPPLE SURPRISE, TOO, DAD.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HAM
PINEAPPLE SURPRISE?

YOUR SISTERS ALL
ASKED FOR THE RECIPE.

DAD, YOU KNOW
I'M NOT LIKE MY SISTERS,

AND I'M READY TO START
MAKING MY OWN DECISIONS

WITH WHAT I WANT
TO DO MY LIFE, RIGHT?

SHE WANTS TO SAVE
ITALIAN FRESCOES.

OH, LA SANTAJESSICA,
HOW SWEET.

DID YOU EVER THINK
THERE MIGHT BE

SOMETHING ELSE AROUND HERE
THAT NEEDED SAVING?

DID YOU EVER GO
TO DOWNTOWN DETROIT?

THE WHOLE PLACE HAS TO BE
SCRAPED AND SPRAYED.

IT'S POLLUTED.

COME ON, DAD.
BE SERIOUS.

OH, I AM SERIOUS, HONEY.

I MEAN, WHY SHOULD
WE PAY $10,000

FOR YOU TO GO TO RAMSEY

WHEN YOU CAN GO
TO MICHIGAN FOR 2?

I MEAN, COME ON, IS THE
FOOTBALL TEAM 5 TIMES CUTER?

YOU GET AN EDUCATION
THAT'S 5 TIMES BETTER?

I'LL GET A JOB.

I'M ALREADY LOOKING
INTO STUDENT LOANS.

I REALLY WISH YOU'D
DECIDE TO COME WITH.

THERE'S BEEN
A BIG CHANGE

WITH STUDENT LOANS,
YOU KNOW.

THEY WANT
TO GET PAID BACK.

MOM?
WHAT?

IS DAD
REALLY MY FATHER?

HONEY.

RA, RA, RAMSEY.

OK, LET'S MEET THOSE
RAMSEY PEOPLE. COME ON.

DAD, ARE YOU REALLY
GONNA WEAR THAT HAT?

NO, YOUR MOTHER'S
GONNA WEAR THE HAT.

OH, GEORGE,
WE'RE SO GLAD

YOU'RE KEEPING
AN OPEN MIND.

OPEN WALLET'S
MORE LIKE IT.

COLLEGE FAIR.
COLLEGE FAIR.

YOU KNOW, JACK KEROUAC NEVER
WENT TO A COLLEGE FAIR, MARLON.

OH, YEAH?
WELL, HE WOULD HAVE

IF HE KNEW JESSICA KAILO
WAS GONNA BE THERE.

A GREAT AFTERNOON WASTED

IN BORING, UNEVENTFUL,
AND PREDICTABLE FORMALITY.

AAH!
AAH!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

MARLON, DON'T FORGET.
SAFETY FIRST.

GET PLENTY OF SAFETIES.

AAH!
AAH!

LONE STAR STATE.
Y'ALL COME IN AND CHECK US OUT.

YEE-HAH!
YEE-HAH!

AAH!
AAH!

HI, BOYS.
WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES?

OLIVER.
MARLON.

EXCUSE ME?

OLIVER.
MARLON.

WHAT'D YOU SAY?

I CAN'T HEAR YOU, BOY!

MARLON!
OLIVER!

SO YOU GIRLS WANT
TO GO TO COLLEGE?

NO.
YEAH!

COLLEGE IS FOR PUSSIES!

HEY, HOLD IT.
STOP RIGHT THERE, UNITS.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN ROBOTICS
AND ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE?

SURE!
YEAH!

THEN COME ALONG
AND FOLLOW ME.

REGARD, MARLON,
THE NERD FACTOR

FOLLOWED BY
THE ASIAN FACTOR.

COME ON,
ALL OF US EXPECTED

TO PLAY
OUR ALLOTTED ROLES

ACCORDING TO FUTURE NEEDS
OF A PLANNED ECONOMY.

HEY, AT LEAST
WE HAVE A FUTURE.

FROM WHAT I HEAR, MARLON COULD
END UP FLIPPING HAMBURGERS.

HOW DID HE KNOW? WHAT,
ARE MY GRADES POSTED

ON A BULLETIN BOARD
SOMEWHERE?

AAH!
AAH!

I'M GLAD YOU'RE
INTERESTED IN US, JESSICA,

'CAUSE RAMSEY'S A CAMPUS
FULL OF REAL INDIVIDUALS.

THAT'S GREAT.

THOSE ARE THE PEOPLE

YOU WANT TO SPEND
4 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE WITH?

MAYBE I SHOULD JUST
GO OVER THERE ALONE.

LET ME GIVE YOU MY CARD.

GOOD LUCK.

PLEASE, GIVE US A CALL,
ANY OF YOU,

IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS.

OH, THANK YOU.

OH, I HAVE A QUESTION,
YOUNG MAN.

IS THE PIZZA AT RAMSEY

5 TIMES BETTER THAN
THE PIZZA AT MICHIGAN?

DADDY.

I HOPE YOU ANSWER THAT

BY COMING TO OUR
OPEN HOUSE, MR. KAILO.

SOME OF US
WILL BE THERE.

WE'LL BE THERE.
DEFINITELY.

OH, YEAH.
COUNT ON US.

THANKS.

HI. COULD I ANSWER

ANY QUESTIONS
ABOUT RAMSEY?

UH, NO. NO.

THIS IS THE SCHOOL
I WANTED RIGHT HERE.

WELCOME TO
THE ARCADIA BIBLE ACADEMY.

LAST NIGHT,
JESUS CHRIST APPEARED TO ME

IN A VISION
ON A FLAMING PYRE,

AND HE SPOKE UNTO ME
AND SAID, "I WANT--"

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

MARLON?
MARLON!

"I WANT MARLON TO ATTEND
THE ARCADIA BIBLE ACADEMY,

PAYING FULL TUITION,
OF COURSE."

SON, JESUS LOVES YOU.

HE MIGHT NOT IF HE SAW
MY S.A.T. SCORES.

THEY'RE LOW?
LOW.

ALL RIGHT.

THANKS, ANYWAY.
YEAH.

JESUS.

WELL, I'VE BEEN WORKING
AT RAMSEY ABOUT A YEAR.

AND I REALLY DO ENJOY IT.

EXCUSE ME. IS IT TOO LATE
TO ASK QUESTIONS?

NO, NO, NO.
IT'S NEVER TOO LATE.

CHOOSING A COLLEGE
IS A MAJOR DECISION.

GIVEN SOME THOUGHT
TO YOUR EDUCATIONAL GOALS?

WELL, PERSONALLY SPEAKING,

SAY, UH, I WERE
IN LOVE WITH A GIRL.

BUT OBVIOUSLY SHE WOULDN'T
BE INTERESTED IN ME

UNTIL I HAD SOMETHING
MORE TO OFFER HER

AND THE WORLD IN GENERAL,

AND I KNOW THAT RAMSEY

WOULD BE A GOOD PLACE FOR ME
TO GO AND DO THAT.

YOU WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE
TO BROADEN YOUR MIND...

RIGHT.

BECAUSE YOU WANT
TO WIN THIS GIRL.

JESSICA KAILO.

I TALKED TO JESSICA KAILO.

SO HAVE I. ONCE.

ONCE. YOU'RE FOLLOWING
A GIRL TO COLLEGE

YOU'VE TALKED TO ONCE.

LOOK, UM...

MARLON.
MARLON.

MARLON,
DO YOU THINK THIS IS

THE BEST WAY
TO PLAN YOUR FUTURE?

MAYBE NOT THE BEST WAY,
BUT PEOPLE CHOOSE COLLEGES

FOR ALL KINDS
OF IDIOTIC REASONS,

LIKE FRATERNITIES AND
SLAVIC LANGUAGE DEPARTMENTS.

BUT I GOT TO TELL YOU,

TRAILING
AFTER A GIRL IS RISKY.

SOMEONE LIKE JESSICA KAILO,
I'M SURE SHE HAS PLANS.

ON THE OTHER HAND,
YOU'RE RIGHT.

PEOPLE HAVE GIVEN ME
MUCH WORSE REASONS

FOR WANTING
TO GET INTO RAMSEY.

NO KIDDING. I BET.

MARLON, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST TAKE MY CARD.

YOU AND YOUR PARENTS
COME TO OUR OPEN HOUSE.

ALL RIGHT?

WELL, ACTUALLY IT'S MY DAD
AND MY STEPMOTHER,

AND THEY'RE KIND OF BUSY.

AH, THAT'S OK.
YOU COME, THEN.

REALLY?

YEAH.

WOW. I REALLY
APPRECIATE THIS, MR. HAMMETT.

YOU'LL DEFINITELY
BE HEARING FROM ME. AHH!

HELP.

OK, WILLIE,
FIND THE TETRAHEDRON.

NO, THAT'S A HEXAGON,
SWEETIE.

SEE? COUNT.

Both: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

WILLIE!

MARLON.

AIRPLANE.
AIRPLANE.

AIRPLANE. AIRPLANE.

ALL RIGHT,
GIVE ME YOUR ARM.

GIVE ME YOUR LEG.

RRRRR!

I HATE
WHEN HE DOES THAT.

SO, MARLON, ANY PROGRESS
ON THE OLD COLLEGE FRONT?

YEP. I TALKED TO A GUY
ABOUT A SCHOOL TODAY.

WHICH ONE? HARVARD?

[CHUCKLES]

NO, SHARON.

MOM.

CALL SHARON MOM,
MARLON.

COME ON.
GIVE IT A TRY.

COME ON.

NO, MOM,
IT WASN'T OLD HARVARD

OR STANFORD OR EVEN M.I.T.

IT'S RAMSEY.

RAMSEY. WHERE ELSE
DID YOU LOOK?

NOWHERE ELSE.

OH, FOR GOD'S SAKES,
MARLON.

I THOUGHT THE IDEA
WAS TO MAKE A LIST.

WELL, OF COURSE IT WAS,
A LONG, PRACTICAL LIST.

HOW MANY HUNDREDS OF
COLLEGES WERE AT THAT FAIR,

HOW MANY THOUSANDS EXIST
IN THIS COUNTRY,

AND YOU COME UP
WITH A LIST OF ONE?

AND I DON'T THINK
HE'LL GET INTO THERE.

WELL, OF COURSE HE WON'T.

THE THING ABOUT
RAMSEY, DAD, IS THAT

THEY ACTUALLY CONSIDER
PEOPLE LIKE ME.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN,
THEY'RE SEARCHING FOR SOMEONE

WITH A DEFINITIVE COLLECTION
OF SILVER SURFERCOMIC BOOKS?

THIS IS NOT HELPFUL.
COME ON. OUT. OUT. COME ON.

I GOT THIS FOR YOU.

"BAUER & BENEDEK

COLLEGE PREPARATION
SERVICE"?

WELL, SOMEONE IN SHARON'S--
YOUR MOM'S--AEROBICS CLASS

SENT THEIR KID THERE.
I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE THEY CAN
DO SOMETHING FOR YOU.

NOW, I WANT YOU TO GO,
MARLON.

IT'S TIME YOU GOT
YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE CLOUDS.

WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT, DAD,

AND IT IS. IT'S OUT.

I MADE A VALUABLE
CONTACT TODAY,

AND I REALLY THINK THAT YOU
SHOULD TRUST ME ON THIS ONE.

WHAT DOES
THAT MEAN, BILL?

HE'LL STILL BE
LIVING AT HOME NEXT YEAR?

"IN THE MIDDLE
OF A SHARK-INFESTED HARBOR,

2 MEN, A AND B STRIKE
A SUBMERGED BOULDER."

DO SOMETHING, YOU--
YOU IDIOT!

"THEIR TILTED BOAT
BEGINS TAKING ON WATER

"AT THE RATE
OF 5 GALLONS PER MINUTE.

"IF MAN A CAN DUMP
2 GALLONS PER MINUTE,

"HOW MUCH WATER
MUST MAN B BAIL

TO KEEP THE 60-CUBIC-FOOT BOAT
FROM SINKING?"

OH, JESUS.

WHAT?
WHAT'S GOING ON?

IT'S THAT MORON.

HIM? AW, CHRIST.

OH, THINGS ARE DIFFERENT

NOW THAT WE'RE
IN THE SAME BOAT, HUH?

WE'RE GONNA DIE!

WOULD YOU GUYS
STOP WORRYING?

THIS IS A PRACTICE TEST.
I'M IN A CLASS.

BAIL, PUNK, BAIL.

AND AS EVERYONE AGREES,

IT'S QUESTIONS LIKE THIS ONE
THAT FORCED YOU IN HERE.

YEAH.
YEAH.

WELCOME TO THE BAUER-
BENEDEK WORKSHOP.

IT'S HARD,
AND LET'S FACE IT.

IF YOU HAD A SNOWBALL'S
CHANCE IN HELL

OF SOLVING THIS PROBLEM,

YOU WOULDN'T
HAVE TO BE HERE

ON A BEAUTIFUL
SATURDAY MORNING

PREPARING TO TAKE
YOUR S.A.T.s OVER AGAIN.

AM I RIGHT?

[SOBBING]

OK.

BUT DOES THAT MEAN YOU SHOULD
LEAVE THE QUESTION BLANK?

YES.

NEVER.
RIGHT, FRANCINE.

A BLANK ANSWER
GETS YOU ZERO POINTS.

NOW, KNOWING THAT AND APPLYING
THE LAW OF AVERAGES TELLS YOU

THAT IF YOU CAN ELIMINATE
TWO CHOICES

OUT OF
A 5-ANSWER QUESTION

OR ONE CHOICE FROM A QUESTION
THAT HAS ONLY FOUR,

THEN YOU'RE MUCH BETTER OFF
GUESSING

THAN LEAVING
THE QUESTION BLANK

WHICH GIVES YOU ZERO POINTS.
ARE YOU WITH ME SO FAR?

NO.

WELL, THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF
THE BAUER-BENEDEK SYSTEM.

YOU SEE, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO UNDERSTAND US, JUST...

TRUST US.
TRUST US.

GUESSING CANNOT HURT YOU.

YOU HAVE THE B & B
GUARANTEE ON THAT.

JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES
AND POINT.

[SOBBING]

KEEP BAILING.
WE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

OH, REALLY?
THE MORON'S BACK.

LOOK, YOU GUYS,
IT'S OK TO GUESS.

SKIP IT.

SO LET'S SAY
THE ANSWER IS--

LET'S JUST MAKE IT D.

D?! WHAT ARE YOU
THINKING ABOUT? D?!

NO, UH, B.

YOU'RE GOING TO KILL US!

LEAVE IT BLANK!
LEAVE IT BLANK!

GO BACK TO IT.

GO BY IT.
NEXT QUESTION.

IT'S A--B!

SAVE US!

A.

THANK YOU.

MARLON,
HOW DID IT GO?

OK. I'M NOT TOO SURE ABOUT
THE GUESSING PART, THOUGH.

YOU'RE LIKE EVERY KID
WHO WALKS IN HERE,

MARLON--GULLIBLE.

THE PROCESS
HAS YOU INTIMIDATED.

YOU THINK GETTING INTO
THE COLLEGE OF CHOICE

HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH
HOW SMART YOU ARE,

WHEN YOU KNOW WHAT
IT ACTUALLY IS?

IT'S IMAGING.
IT'S PR AND STRATEGY,

SELLING YOURSELF
AND MARKETING,

POSITIONING
AND PACKAGING.

WOW! IT SOUNDS LIKE
I COULD SKIP COLLEGE

AND GO STRAIGHT
TO PRODUCT ENDORSEMENT.

LOOK, CAN YOU GUYS HELP ME
GET INTO RAMSEY COLLEGE?

HOW ABOUT SPORTS?
IF YOU'RE GOOD,

IT'S ALWAYS
GONNA HELP YOU.

FOOTBALL, BASEBALL,
SOCCER, SWIMMING?

LACROSSE,
WRESTLING, POLO?

DISCUS, TENNIS,
VOLLEYBALL, JAVELIN,

SOMETHING?
ONE YEAR I WON

THE NEIGHBORHOOD ASSOCIATION
PING-PONG CHAMPIONSHIP.

PING-PONG.

DO YOU HAVE
YOUR CHECK, MARLON?

THANK YOU, MARLON.

THANKS.

♪ ...WHERE I MAKE MY ESCAPE ♪

♪ OUT OF THE BLUE
I SEE SOME GOOD RHYMES ♪

♪ THAT I NEED TO TAPE ♪

♪ I USED TO SAY 'EM
OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD, MAN ♪♪♪

SEE, RON IS JUST
A TREMENDOUS ATHLETE,

AND HE'S TALKING
TO THEM BIG SCHOOLS.

WHAT THEY'RE
SAYING TO HIM

IS MONEY,
APARTMENTS, CARS.

YOU KNOW, SOME SCHOOLS
HAVE EVEN OFFERED

TO BRING ME UP
ON HOLIDAYS, OFF-SEASON,

MAYBE EVEN BRING
MY RONNY HOME ON WEEKENDS.

WHA--

SEE, HE'S OVERWHELMED.

HE WANTS TO MAKE
THE RIGHT DECISIONS,

BUT HE'S ONLY HUMAN.

AND YOU AND I BOTH KNOW
HE'LL GENERATE A SHITLOAD--

EXCUSE MY FRENCH--

UH...HE'LL GENERATE
A SHITLOAD OF MONEY

FOR WHATEVER SCHOOL
HE GOES TO.

RONNY, DO YOU
WANT TO GO TO--

SOME SCHOOLS
HAVE EVEN MENTIONED

STOCK PORTFOLIOS.

YEAH, I'VE HEARD
OF THOSE SCHOOLS

WHO OFFER THINGS
TO ATHLETES.

NOT TO JUST ATHLETES,
MISS SACHIE.

I THINK I KNOW
WHAT YOU MEAN.

WELL, CONGRATULATIONS
ON YOUR ALL-STATE,

RONNY.

OH, THANK YOU.

NOW WE MIGHT AS WELL
SAY GOOD-BYE

BECAUSE OTHER THAN
A SCHOLARSHIP,

I CAN'T REALLY
OFFER YOU ANYTHING,

OR YOUR COACH.

THE TRUTH IS,
OUR TEAM

ISN'T REALLY
THAT GREAT ANYWAY.

SO, I'M SURE YOU
HAVE OTHER PEOPLE

FOR RONNY TO MEET
AND TALK ABOUT

YOUR RETIREMENT
PLAN.

IF YOU WANT TO TALK
EDUCATION, RONNY,

GIVE ME A CALL.

UM, CAN WE AT LEAST GET
YOUR PHONE NUMBER?

LET ME GET
SOME PAPER.

I'VE GOT A CARD...

MAY I HAVE
THIS PIECE OF PAPER?

WHAT'S YOUR NUMBER?

I KNOW THAT DIDN'T
JUST HAPPEN.

EXCUSE ME.

ACTUALLY, THERE WERE WORDS
ON THAT PIECE OF PAPER

THAT I WAS READING,
YOU OLD FOOL!

I'LL, UH,
GIVE YOU A CALL.

YOU KNOW,
I'VE BEEN WATCHING

SURE HANDS
BE RECRUITED,

BUT I HAVE NEVER SEEN
TECHNIQUE LIKE THAT BEFORE.

[RAP MUSIC PLAYS]

MORRIS!

WOULD YOU CHILL OUT
WITH THE NOISE, PLEASE?!

♪ THE LAST RAPPER
IN THE WORLD-- ♪♪♪

THANK YOU.

THAT GIRL STUDYING,

WHAT GRADE IS SHE IN?

OH, VERA COOKE?
SHE'S A SENIOR.

HUH. WHAT KIND
OF COLLEGE PLANS

WOULD SHE HAVE,
DO YOU THINK?

COMMUNITY COLLEGE, MAYBE.
I DON'T KNOW.

WHY DON'T YOU ASK HER?

GOOD IDEA.

EXCUSE ME. VERA?

YES!

UM, MY NAME
IS NINA SACHIE.

DO YOU HAVE
A MINUTE?

SURE.

I'M A RECRUITER
FROM RAMSEY COLLEGE.

NOW, I DON'T KNOW IF
YOU'VE HEARD OF IT--

I'VE HEARD OF IT ENOUGH
TO KNOW

YOU'RE NOT
GIVING AWAY CARS.

I'M REALLY SORRY
IF WE DISTURBED YOU,

BUT DID YOU HAPPEN
TO HEAR ANYTHING ELSE

THAT MADE AN IMPRESSION?

WELL, THE PART ABOUT
A SERIOUS EDUCATION

SOUNDED NICE,
AND BEING OFF IN OASIS,

BUT I'M SURE
THAT STUFF ONLY APPLIES

FOR PEOPLE LIKE
RONNY PAULSON.

NO, NO, THAT'S NOT
NECESSARILY TRUE.

IN FACT, I'D LOVE
TO TELL YOU MORE

ABOUT IT IF
YOU'RE INTERESTED.

OH, WELL, SOUNDS GREAT,
BUT THE PROBLEM IS

I'M GETTING READY
TO GO TO WORK.

OH, WELL, COULD WE TALK
ABOUT IT AT WORK?

SURE.
IF YOU WANT TO.

SO, WHAT DO YOU DO?

WELL, I'M SOMEWHAT
OF A SPUD TECHNICIAN.

Nina: AND THAT IS WHY
I WAS SO EXCITED

ABOUT FINDING VERA
IN THE LIBRARY TODAY.

I COULD TELL THAT
SHE'S PASSIONATE.

I'M JUST
A LITTLE ENTHUSIASTIC.

YOU ARE.

I NEVER WANT TO TELL MY KIDS
THEY CAN'T DO SOMETHING--

LINDEY, DON'T RIDE
THAT THING LIKE THAT--

BECAUSE THAT'S
NOT GOOD.

IT JUST DEFLATES
THEIR ASPIRATIONS,

BUT, VERA--

WATCH OUT, MOM.

YOU'RE JUST ABOUT TO DEFLATE
MY ASPIRATIONS.

I'M SORRY, VERA,

BUT I CAN'T SIT HERE

AND LISTEN TO SOMEBODY

TEMPT YOU WITH OFFERS
SHE CAN'T DELIVER.

I CAN PROMISE
A FAIR SHAKE

FROM THE ADMISSIONS
COMMITTEE.

I'M LOOKING FOR MORE THAN
A FAIR SHAKE FOR VERA.

I'M LOOKING FOR HER
TO HAVE A REAL CAREER.

MOM--

FIRST, GET THE JOB.

THEN GO TO COLLEGE
AT NIGHT IF YOU WANT TO.

THAT'S THE WAY
TO DO IT.

COOKIES!

MY MOTHER'S
A BIT STUBBORN,

BUT I'LL KEEP
TALKING TO HER.

AND I'LL CALL HER
AND TALK TO HER SOME MORE.

MEANWHILE, I WANT YOU
TO SEERAMSEY.

YOU'VE GOT TO COME
TO OUR OPEN HOUSE.

HOW ABOUT IF I TELL HER
I'M ATTENDING

A McD.L.T.
TRAINING SEMINAR.

SEE YOU LATER.

SEE YOU LATER.

CAN I HELP YOU,
PLEASE?

[MOVIE PLAYING ON TV]

OH, I LOVE
THIS PART.

SO, HOW WAS
YOUR DAY?

THE BEST. I FOUND
SOMEONE UNBELIEVABLE

JUST SITTING
IN THE LIBRARY THINKING

THAT SWING SHIFT KEYPUNCH

WAS THE BEST LIFE
HAS TO OFFER.

YEAH. THIS DOESN'T
SOUND LIKE

RONNY "SURE HANDS"
PAULSON.

SHEIS SOMEBODY
NOBODY WANTS.

OH, GREAT.
HOW ARE HER NUMBERS?

OUCH.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU ASKED THAT.

THEY DON'T
SOUND SO GOOD.

SHE'S BRIGHT,
ARTICULATE, FEISTY...

SHE NEEDS
A FULL SCHOLARSHIP...

MAYBE SHE DOES.

[AIRPLANE APPROACHING]

"TWO MEN, A AND B, JUMP
FROM A PLANE AT 20,000 FEET,

"2 SECONDS APART,
AND FALL AT CONSTANT SPEEDS.

"AT WHAT HEIGHT
MUST B OPEN HIS PARACHUTE

IN ORDER TO LAND
AT THE SAME TIME AS A?"

I THINK IT'S B...C?

YOU'RE
KILLING ME!

A! A! A!

ANSWER
THE QUESTION!

E!

ANSWER THE QUESTION,
MARLON!

I DON'T KNOW!
AAH!

I DON'T KNOW!
I DON'T KNOW!

AAH!
AAH!

I'M STILL NOT CONVINCED
ABOUT THE GUESSING PART.

YEAH, WELL, THAT WAS
MY LAST CHANCE

FOR THAT STUPID TEST.

IF THAT BAUER & BENEDEK
STUFF DOESN'T WORK,

I MIGHT END UP AT THE EAST
MICHIGAN SCHOOL OF BEAUTY.

HI, GUYS.
HI.

HEY, DID YOU KNOW
MARLON'S APPLYING

OH.

WELL, IT'S ON MY LIST
OF SCHOOLS,

BUT I'M CONSIDERING
A VERY LONG LIST.

NOT ME. MY MOM'S DRIVING ME
UP TO RAMSEY'S OPEN HOUSE

NEXT WEEK
FOR MY INTERVIEW.

OH, YEAH, WELL,
WE JUST WENT

TO THE BAUER & BENEDEK
SCHOOL ON INTERVIEWING

AND IT BETTER WORK.

I KNOW. THEY SAID
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE

CONFIDENT,
BUT NOT ARROGANT.

YEAH, FRANK,
BUT DON'T LIE.

SPONTANEOUS,
BUT NEVER COMBUST.

SO ARE YOU GOING
FOR AN INTERVIEW THEN?

OH, SURE. IN FACT,
THE INTERVIEW IS GONNA BE

KEY FOR ME SINCE I'M
THE TYPE WHO COMES ACROSS

MUCH BETTER IN PERSON
THAN ON PAPER.

OH, YOU DO? WELL, MAYBE
I'LL SEE YOU THERE.

RIGHT.
I'LL LOOK FOR YOU.

OK.
BYE.

ALL RIGHT, GIRLS,
REALITY CHECK HERE.

DOES MARLON BROWNE REALLY
STAND A CHANCE AT RAMSEY?

ARE YOU KIDDING?

MARLON BROWNE?
MARLON BROWNE?

OH, WELL, THAT'S
WHAT I THOUGHT.

I DON'T KNOW, THOUGH.

HE'S KIND OF CUTE
IN A WEIRD WAY, HUH?

YOU KNOW, I THINK
YOU THINK THAT

BECAUSE HE'S
YOUR COMPETITION.

YOU KNOW, SINCE HE'S REALLY
NO COMPETITION,

I THINK YOU'RE FEELING...
GRATEFUL BUT CONFUSED.

YOU KNOW...

BY AN EXAGGERATED
SENSE OF EUPHORIA.

YOU KNOW, KELLY,
YOU'RE RIGHT, THANKS.

GOD, THIS GETTING
INTO COLLEGE BUSINESS

CAN REALLY
PLAY WITH YOUR MIND.

YEAH.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

I FEEL LIKE
SUCH A HYPOCRITE.

I'M ACTUALLY DRIVING YOU
TO COLLEGE

SO YOU CAN BECOME ANOTHER
INDUSTRIAL BUREAUCRAT

POLLUTING OUR ENVIRONMENT.

OH, YEAH. YEAH.

I COULD REALLY TAKE
A FEW LESSONS FROM YOU

IN THAT DEPARTMENT,
HUH, OLIVER?

[COUGHING]

WHAT, ARE YOU
BEING SARCASTIC?

[ENGINE BACKFIRES]

Jessica: MOM, ISN'T
THIS PLACE BEAUTIFUL?

I MEAN, EVERYBODY
LOOKS SO SMART.

I KNOW. IT IS.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

GOD, MOTHER,
I LOVE THIS PLACE.

THIS IS THE ONLY SCHOOL
I EVER WANT TO GO TO.

OH...
IT'S VERY IMPRESSIVE.

OH, LOOK,
IT'S MR. HAMMETT.

COME ON, LET'S
GO TALK TO HIM.

OH, YEAH.

HI, MR. HAMMETT.

OH, HI, JULIE.

JESSICA.

JESSICA, RIGHT.
JESSICA KAILO.

YOU REMEMBERED
MY NAME.

I SEE YOU BROUGHT
YOUR SISTER ALONG.

OH...

HI, KIP.
HI.

WE WERE JUST GONNA GO
ON TOUR THE CAMPUS.

WELL, GREAT. I HOPE
YOU LIKE THE COLLEGE,

AND I'LL SEE YOU
AT THE PARTY TONIGHT.

OK. GREAT.

BYE.

SUCH A NICE
YOUNG MAN.

MOTHER, FAVOR--

PLEASE DON'T ASK
ANY QUESTIONS.

I WANT EVERYTHING
UNDER CONTROL, OK?

OH, JESSICA!
COME ON.

JESSICA IS REALLY
STARTING TO LIKE ME.

IT'S STILL SUBTLE,

BUT SHE'S STARTING TO THINK
OF ME AS A COLLEGE GUY,

YOU KNOW,
AND THAT INTRIGUES HER.

THINGS ARE REALLY GONNA JELL
ONCE SHE SEES ME

ON THAT CAMPUS.
[PBBBT!]

YOU THINK I'M CRAZY.

NO, I THINK
YOU'RE A LUNATIC,

BUT THAT'S WHY
WE'RE FRIENDS.

NOW MAKE LOVE TO ME,

YOU HOT COLLEGE
MONKEY, YOU!

David Lee Roth:
♪ I NEVER KNOW ♪

♪ WOMAN, YOU KNOW HOW
I LOVE... ♪♪♪

IT IS REALLY GOING
TO BE DIFFICULT

MAKING DECISIONS
THIS YEAR.

YOUR "LOOKING BEYOND
THE NUMBERS" CAMPAIGN

IS REALLY
PULLING THEM IN.

YOU KNOW,
I STILL SAY

THEY SHOULD TATTOO
THEIR S.A.T. SCORES

ACROSS
THEIR FOREHEAD.

AT LEAST THAT WAY,

I COULD MAKE
MY DECISIONS EASIER.

MY DEAR GOD.

HI, I'M...

LEO WHITMAN.

WE MET AT THE CARLSBOROUGH
ACADEMY ALUMNI TEA, DR...

DR. PHILLIP JELLINEK.

JELLINEK.
THAT'S RIGHT.

PHILLIP JELLINEK, JR.

YES, YOU ARE,
AND WELCOME TO RAMSEY.

IT'S INCREDIBLE.

NOW, THE GIRLS' DORM
IS THIS WAY, AND...

AND YOU STILL THINK
IT WILL BE THE SAME

AROUND HERE WITH LEO
THE DEAN OF ADMISSIONS?

I DON'T WANT TO BE
DEAN OF ADMISSIONS.

ALL RIGHT, BUT WHAT'S
IT GOING TO BE LIKE

WORKING FOR HIM?

[HORN HONKING]

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

OH, WOW, WOW,
LOOK WHO'S HERE.

WE GOT RONNY "SURE HANDS"
PAULSON HERE, GODDAMN IT.

HI, RONNY.

HELLO, MISS SACHIE.
I'LL BET YOU'RE SURPRISED

TO SEE US HERE.

I'LL ADMIT, A LITTLE.

DEAN, DEAN,
THIS IS RONNY PAULSON.

AND THIS IS RONNY'S LAWYER,
DAN BESTMAN.

WE WERE SUPPOSED
TO BRING A LAWYER?

SHIT.
SHIT.

♪ HEY ♪

♪ UH-HUH ♪

♪ WHAT I LIKE
ABOUT YOU... ♪

SO, HOW HAVE YOU
FOUND RAMSEY SO FAR?

I TOOK THE BUS,
REMEMBER?

NO. REALLY,
MISS SACHIE, I'M FINE.

I APPRECIATE
YOUR TIME AND CONCERN,

BUT YOU SHOULD BE OUT
ENJOYING YOURSELF.

IT'S NOT EXACTLY ME
YOU SHOULD BE BABYSITTING.

OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I HAVE TO GO BABY-SIT
THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.

EXCUSE ME.

I'M SURE
I'LL BE JUST FINE.

HI.
HI.

I WAS WRONG.

WHAT IS
THIS ATROCITY?

WELCOME,
RAMSEY HOPEFULS.

WE'RE THE JELLINEKS.

WELL, YES,
YOU CERTAINLY ARE.

SO, YOU WERE...

JUST DROPPING OFF
YOUNG JELLINEK?

WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

SEE, SIR, IT'S KIND OF
A KIDS' GET-TOGETHER.

THEY CAN KIND OF UNWIND
WITHOUT PARENTS AROUND,

GET A FEEL
FOR THE SOCIAL LIFE

HERE AT RAMSEY.

SOCIAL LIFE?
YEAH.

SOCIAL DISEASE
IS MORE LIKE IT.

OK, WHY DON'T
YOU LOOK AROUND,

HAVE SOME FOOD,

AND SPREAD
YOUR WARMTH.

MAKING, UH,
NEW FRIENDS HERE?

SEE THE WORLD, VERA. SMASH
OUT OF THIS COFFIN THEY

CALL A COLLEGE EXPERIENCE
BEFORE THEY SHUT THE LID.

HOW VERY UPLIFTING,
OLIVER!

YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT
ENTERTAINING SICK KIDS

IN HOSPITALS?

OLIVER TAKES
HIS COLLEGE-FREE FUTURE

VERY SERIOUSLY.

HE'S LOOKING
TO TRAVEL THE WORLD

WITH RENEGADE
GAME SHOW HOSTESSES.

Vera: SOUNDS LIKE

YOUR RUN-OF-THE-MILL
AMERICAN DREAM!

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR,
MARLON?

IT JUST WALKED IN.

♪ WHAT I LIKE
ABOUT YOU ♪

♪ YOU KEEP ME WARM
AT NIGHT... ♪♪♪

HEY!

HEY!

MARLON BROWNE,
YOU MADE IT!

BARELY. WE TOOK
OLIVER'S CAR.

RAMSEY'S WONDERFUL.
I JUST HAVE THIS FEELING

THAT I'M GONNA ACE
MY INTERVIEW TOMORROW.

IT'S THE ONLY SCHOOL
I WANT TO GO TO.

FUNNY THING.
I SUDDENLY THINK

RAMSEY MIGHT BE
IN MY STARS, ALSO.

MARLON, IT'S
THE REAL WORLD NOW.

Jessica: MARLON,
YOU'RE DIFFERENT.

YOU MEAN, LIKE DIFFERENT
DIFFERENT,

OR LIKE
ELEPHANT-MAN DIFFERENT?

NO, I MEAN
GOOD DIFFERENT.

YOU'RE NOT GEEKY.
I MEAN, YOU'RE NOT

THE WAY I THOUGHT
YOU WERE AT SCHOOL.

YEAH?
WELL, YOU KNOW,

THIS IS A PREVIEW
OF THE COLLEGE ME.

THERE'S 4 MORE YEARS
OF THIS TO COME

IF YOU'RE INTERESTED.

Betty: JUST MAKE
A DECISION, JESS.

I MEAN, THEY'RE NOT
GOING TO ACCEPT YOU

OR NOT ACCEPT YOU
BASED ON YOUR SHOES.

YOU NEED
TO STAND OUT, MA.

EVERY DETAIL COUNTS.
WHICH DO YOU THINK

I SHOULD WEAR,
MY REEBOKS

OR MY LOAFERS?

YOUR REEBOKS.

OK, BUT THAT COULD MAKE
ME LOOK TOO FRIVOLOUS

AND NOT INTELLECTUAL
ENOUGH.

WHY DON'T YOU
WEAR YOUR REEBOKS

AND SHOW THEM
YOUR LOAFERS?

MOM...

OH, HONEY,
WEAR YOUR REEBOKS.

GO FOR IT.
WHAT THE HELL.

GOOD LUCK. WE'RE
VERY PROUD OF YOU.

I'M SORRY,
I HAVE NO IDEA.

I'LL FIND OUT
WHY THIS HAPPENED.

I PROMISE YOU, SIR,
HEADS WILL ROLL.

TRUST ME.

I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE
SOMEONE WOULD BE

SO INSENSITIVE AS TO MAKE
THIS KIND OF MISTAKE.

SALLY, THERE'S BEEN
A GRIEVOUS MISTAKE.

THIS IS MR. JELLINEK--

DR.JELLINEK.

I'M
PHILLIP JELLINEK JR.

SALLY, FOR SOME
UNGODLY REASON,

PHILLIP HERE
HAS BEEN SCHEDULED

TO INTERVIEW
WITH FLUTTER.

YEAH?
SO WHAT?

IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER

WHO CONDUCTS
THE INTERVIEWS.

IF IT
DOESN'T MATTER,

WE'LL SEE
DEAN PATTERSON.

NO. HIS SCHEDULE
IS ALREADY OVERLOADED.

OVERLOADED?

OH, SALLY!

CAN I HAVE A WORD
WITH YOU?

WELL, IF THERE'S ANYTHING
I CAN HELP YOU WITH--

QUESTIONS ABOUT
THE COURSES,

ACCOM...MODATIONS...

SALLY, THEY MET
WITH THE DEAN

AT PRINCETON
AND YALE,

NOT SOME 4-H CLUB REJECT
LIKE FLUTTER.

FLUTTER IS THE GUY
WHO ONLY SEES THE PEOPLE

WHO ARE LIKE...
BLEEDING-HEART FRESCO SAVERS.

YOU KNOW,
SOCIALLY CORRECT CHEERLEADERS

ELECTED CLASS PRESIDENT
IN SPITE OF THE FACT

THEY CAN'T EVEN DECIDE
WHICH PAIR OF SHOES

TO WEAR WHEN THEY
LEAVE THE HOUSE

WITHOUT TALKING
TO MOMMY!

THE JELLINEKS ARE
A RAMSEY LEGACY, FOR GOD SAKES,

AND YOU'VE GOT HIM SCHEDULED
WITH FLUTTER!

LEO, CALM DOWN.

I WILL SEE
WHAT I CAN DO.

GOOD.

ALL SET, SIR.

GOOD. WE'LL SEE
THE DEAN.

I DIDN'T TRAVEL 400 MILES
TO SEE UNDERLINGS.

LET THE REST
OF THESE PEOPLE

BE SEEN BY UNDERLINGS, LIKE
THAT GIRL IN THOSE REEBOKS.

HER? GIRLS LIKE HER
ARE A DIME A DOZEN.

SHE'S STATE-COLLEGE
MATERIAL AT BEST.

LET'S GO INSIDE.

"A DIME A DOZEN"?

HI.

HI.

SEE HER?

I BET SHE HAS
A 3.5 GRADE AVERAGE.

YEAH? HOW
DO YOU KNOW?

ALMOST EVERYBODY HERE DOES,

WITH ABOUT A COMBINED
1350 ON THEIR S.A.T.s.

OH, ME, TOO.

SO, ARE MANY PEOPLE HERE
ON THE YEARBOOK STAFF?

OH, BILLIONS!
I'M EDITOR OF MINE.

OH. I'M JUST ACTIVITY
REPORTER OF MINE

BECAUSE I DON'T
WANT IT TO INTERFERE

WITH MY CHEERLEADING
SCHEDULE.

MY CHEERLEADING PRACTICE
COMES BEFORE SCHOOL.

OH, WELL, YOU SEE, THAT
WOULDN'T WORK FOR ME

BECAUSE I HAVE CLASS
MEETINGS FIRST THING

IN THE MORNING,
AND I'M CLASS PRESIDENT.

ALTHOUGH YOU'RE PROBABLY
CLASS PRESIDENT ALSO.

NO. VICE PRESIDENT.

OH, WELL, THAT'S
AN IMPORTANT JOB.

I MEAN, IN CASE
THE PRESIDENT DIES.

MY SISTER
IS PRESIDENT.

LORI...

TERRI.

WE BETTER
GO PRACTICE.

WE HAVE
A SPECIAL AUDITION...

WITH THE MUSIC
DEPARTMENT.

GREAT. WHAT INSTRUMENT
DO YOU PLAY?

THE OBOE.
THE VIOLIN.

WELL, SHE PLAYS
THE VIOLIN.

SHE PLAYS THE OBOE.

ANYWAY, WE BETTER
GET GOING.

GOOD LUCK.
GOOD LUCK.

BYE.

EXCUSE ME.

Sally: JESSICA KAILO.

[BUZZ]

Sally: JESSICA KAILO'S
COMING IN, MR. FLUTTER.

OH, SEND HER IN,
SALLY.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

UH, COME IN.
COME IN. OOH!

OH, EXCUSE ME.

I'M JESSICA KAILO,
MR. FLUTTER.

OH, JESSICA,
HOW ARE YOU?

I'M FINE. THANKS.
AND YOU?

WELL, I'VE HURT MY HAND,
BUT I'M FINE.

WOULD YOU LIKE
TO SIT DOWN, JULIE?

JESSICA.

JESSICA.
YEAH. FINE.

[TOY SQUEAKS]

WOULD YOU LIKE
A CUP OF COFFEE?

YES. THANK YOU.

OH!
I'M SORRY.

UM, GOT TO GO.
SEE YOU.

MARLON BROWNE.
10:00 INTERVIEW.

TERRIFIC.
HAVE A SEAT.

I WAS AN EXCHANGE STUDENT
LAST SUMMER,

SO I LEARNED QUITE A BIT
OF ITALIAN.

UH, Y--YES.

AND WHERE WERE YOU?

WHERE WAS I?

YES. WHERE DID YOU
STUDY ITALIAN?

IN ITALY.

OH. YES.

UH, IN ITALY, I MET A LOT
OF INTERESTING PEOPLE

WHILE I
WAS STUDYING THERE.

SOME WERE INVOLVED IN SAVING
THE ITALIAN FRESCOES.

THOSE ARE PAINTINGS.

OH. YES, OF COURSE.

[THINKING] HE'S BORED.
I'M LOSING HIM.

GO ON, GO ON.

I THINK ONE OF THE...

HE'S TOTALLY
NOT INTERESTED.

HE'S IGNORING ME.
HE'S CLEANING HIS CLOSETS

WHILE I'M DYING
A THOUSAND DEATHS.

I'M COMPLETELY
BLOWING THIS.

...ALL THE OLD
HAND-CARVED ANIMALS.

UH, HORSES, TIGERS,
OSTRICHES, PIGS--

PIGS?

WHY DID YOU
SAY THAT?

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

OH.

WELL, YOU KNOW,

PIGS ARE VERY
INTERESTING ANIMALS.

ONE VERY FAMOUS
LITERARY FIGURE

KEPT PIGS AS PETS.

DO YOU KNOW
WHO THAT WAS?

STRESS QUESTION!
STRESS QUESTION!

NO.

HE WAS
GERTRUDE STEIN.

OH.

[TOY SQUEAKING]

UH...AHEM.
I WAS ALSO INVOLVED

IN A LOT OF OTHER ACTIVITIES
AT SCHOOL--

YEARBOOK STAFF,

WORLD AFFAIRS COUNCIL,

UM, HONOR SOCIETY.

WHAT'S THIS?

OH, UH,
THAT'S MY WATCH.

WELL, I SEE OUR TIME
IS JUST ABOUT UP, JULIE.

JESSICA.

JESSICA.

OK. GREAT. SO THAT'S IT.
MY INTERVIEW'S OVER WITH.

UNLESS THERE'S
SOMETHING ELSE

YOU'D LIKE TO REVEAL
ABOUT YOURSELF.

UNLESS I HAVE
ANYTHING ELSE

I'D LIKE TO REVEAL
ABOUT MYSELF?

YES. UNLESS YOU HAVE
ANYTHING ELSE

YOU'D LIKE TO REVEAL
ABOUT YOURSELF.

REVEAL ABOUT MYSELF!
REVEAL ABOUT MYSELF!

REVEAL MYSELF.
REVEAL MYSELF.

AAH!

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE I'D
LIKE TO REVEAL ABOUT MYSELF?

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE
I'D LIKE TO REVEAL

ABOUT MYSELF?

AAH!

SHIT!

WHOA!

I'LL NEVER
GET ACCEPTED HERE.

[CRYING]

JESSICA?

MARLON,
YOUR APPOINTMENT!

THERE'S NO
RESCHEDULING, PUP!

PUP, PUP, PUP.
PUPPY.

JESSICA,
HOW YOU DOING?

UH, LOOK, MARLON,
IF YOU DON'T MIND,

I REALLY DON'T FEEL
LIKE TALKING RIGHT NOW.

OH, SURE. NO PROBLEM.

YOU KNOW, WE CAN ALWAYS
TALK LATER IN SCHOOL

OR SOMETHING...

OR MAYBE NEXT YEAR
HERE AT RAMSEY.

EXCEPT I WON'T BE HERE
NEXT YEAR.

I'M NOT RIGHT
FOR THIS SCHOOL.

COME ON!

YOU--YOU'RE PERFECT...
FOR RAMSEY.

EVERYONE HERE
IS PERFECT.

HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED?

I BLEW IT. I HAD
A TERRIBLE INTERVIEW.

JESUS, INTERVIEWS
DON'T MATTER.

I JUST BLEW MINE
COMPLETELY COMING OUT HERE.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

YOU SAID THE INTERVIEW
WAS THE KEY FOR YOU.

WELL, SURE, THEY MATTER
A LITTLE, YOU KNOW,

BUT IT'S NOT LIKE
HIGH SCHOOL

IS WHAT I MEAN,

WHERE IF YOU MAKE
A MISTAKE,

YOU GET BRANDED
AS A MORON FOR LIFE.

IT'S NO BIG DEAL
AT A PLACE LIKE RAMSEY.

YEAH,
HOW DO YOU KNOW?!

TRYING THINGS OUT IS
WHAT HAPPENS AT COLLEGE.

YOU GET A GREAT CHANCE
TO START ALL OVER AGAIN

JUST WHEN MOST PEOPLE
NEED TO.

IT'S LIKE
A FEDERAL PROTECTION

AND RELOCATION PROGRAM
FOR TEENAGERS.

YOU DON'T KNOW
HOW BAD IT WAS.

NOTHING COULD BE
THATBAD.

IT WAS AWFUL.
TRUST ME.

BUT AWFUL ENOUGH
TO RUIN YOUR CHANCES?

YOU WOULD HAVE TO
DO SOMETHING

REALLY IDIOTIC

LIKE EXPOSE YOURSELF
OR SOMETHING.

MARLON, LEAVE ME ALONE,
ALL RIGHT?

SOMETHING HAPPENED
WITH HER INTERVIEW,

AND NOW SHE HAS LOCKED HERSELF
IN HER HOTEL ROOM

AND SHE WON'T TALK
TO ANYONE.

I THINK SOMETHING
REALLY TERRIBLE HAS HAPPENED.

LOOK, I'M SORRY,
BUT THERE IS NO WAY

I COULD SHOW YOU
HER FILES.

THEY'RE STRICTLY
CONFIDENTIAL.

I KNOW. BUT NOW
SHE'S CONSIDERING

NOT EVEN APPLYING
TO RAMSEY.

YOU KNOW,
THIS CHOOSING A COLLEGE

BECAUSE OF A GIRL,

MAYBE WE SHOULD
DISCUSS THAT IDEA.

WE DID
ONCE BEFORE.

YEAH? WHAT'D I SAY?

YOU SAID YOU'D HEARD
A LOT OF WORSE REASONS.

ARE YOU IN LOVE
WITH JESSICA?

THEN SCREW IT.

LOVE IS A FUCKING
NOBLE EMOTION,

BUT RAMSEY IS NOT
GONNA ADMIT YOU

BASED ON YOUR FEELINGS
FOR A GIRL.

YOU'VE GOTTA FORGET HER.

FORGET HER?

LET ME WORRY
ABOUT JESSICA KAILO.

YOU CONCENTRATE ON YOUR
OWN APPLICATION, OK?

OK.

THIS IS TERRIFIC,
MR. HAMMETT.

JUST GREAT.
THANKS SO MUCH.

SURE.

I REALLY
APPRECIATE THIS.

GOD, THIS IS
JUST GREAT.

MY VOTE CAN'T BE
BOUGHT THERE, MARLON.

THANKS.

THANKS AGAIN.

OOH, OUCH.

YEAH.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

COME IN.

I HEARD YOU WANTED TO
TALK TO ME, MR. HAMMETT.

YEAH, HI, JESSICA.
COME ON IN.

I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU
BEFORE YOU LEFT.

HI, SIT DOWN.
HOW ARE YOU?

HI.

LOOK, I HEARD YOU WERE
KINDA UPSET

AFTER YOUR INTERVIEW
WITH MR. FLUTTER YESTERDAY.

MR. HAMMETT,
I'D RATHER NOT

TALK ABOUT THAT
RIGHT NOW.

LOOK, I KNOW
YOU FEEL VULNERABLE.

I MEAN, YOU JUST
OPEN YOURSELF UP

TO A PERFECT STRANGER,

PROBABLY
FOR THE FIRST TIME.

BUT IT'S JUST AN INTERVIEW,
AND YOU WERE NOT BEING JUDGED

ON WHAT YOU HAVE
OR WHAT YOU DON'T HAVE.

I KNOW. YOU THINK
THE LITTLEST THINGS

ARE A BIG DEAL,

BUT, BELIEVE ME,
REALLY THEY'RE NOT.

OK?
WE'VE SEEN IT ALL BEFORE.

AND MR. FLUTTER,
HE FELT THAT YOU WERE

AN EXTREMELY
WELL-ROUNDED YOUNG LADY.

OH, GOD!

OOH! OOH! OOH!

UH-HUH.

POMONA, CAN YOU HOLD?
I HAVE DUKE ON THE OTHER LINE.

DUKE, CAN YOU HOLD, PLEASE?

I HAVE GEORGETOWN
ON THE OTHER LINE.

I KNOW
YOU'RE DISAPPOINTED,

CHANCELLOR SMITH.

HIS APPLICATION
WAS FABULOUS.

BUT WE'RE COUNSELORS,
NOT HIS PARENTS.

WHAT CAN WE DO IF HE
DIDN'T CHOOSE YOUR SCHOOL?

OXFORD, PLEASE HOLD.
I HAVE

SEVEN SISTERS COLLEGE
ON THE LINE.

GIRLS, I'LL HAVE TO
CALL YOU BACK SHORTLY.

I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT
CLIENT IN MY OFFICE.

BYE-BYE.
OK, BYE-BYE.

SO, MARLON,
WELCOME BACK.

HOW'D YOU DO ON
YOUR S.A.T.s?

WELL, MY SCORE DID NOT GO UP
THE 20% YOU PROMISED.

LET'S SEE.

YOU GAINED 10 IN MATH
AND 10 IN VERBAL.

THAT'S 20.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

NO, ALL KIDDING
ASIDE, MARLON,

YOU DO NEED
OUR HELP.

DO YOU HAVE A CHECK?

YES, BUT I NEED
SOME REAL HELP.

I HAVE A CHANCE
OF GETTING INTO RAMSEY.

MARLON, ACADEMICS
DON'T NECESSARILY

HAVE TO BE
YOUR STRONG POINT.

WHAT YOU NEED IS A HOOK,
SOMETHING

FOR THE COMMITTEE TO
REMEMBER YOU BY, STAND OUT.

IT'S BEST TO
STICK TO THE BASICS,

INNER CITY TUTORING.

HELPING OLD PEOPLE.

ENVIRONMENTAL
CLEANUP TASK FORCE.

NUCLEAR RESEARCH.

I'M NOT CURRENTLY INVOLVED

IN ANYTHING QUITE
AS INTERESTING AS THAT.

FOR 1,000 BUCKS,
WE CAN MAKE

ANYONE'S LIFE
SOUND INTERESTING.

FOR INSTANCE, WHAT DO YOU DO
ON A TYPICAL SATURDAY?

NOTHING, REALLY. I
BABY-SIT MY STEPBROTHER.

AH! YOU SAY NOTHING,

BUT BABY-SITTING
YOUR STEPBROTHER

IS EXACTLY THE KIND
OF MUNDANE ACTIVITY

THAT YOU CAN ENHANCE
INTO A BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY,

SOMETHING THAT CAN REALLY
MAKE YOU STAND OUT

IN THE APPLICANT POOL.

YAY!
YAY!

[CRASH!]

[CRYING]

OK, MARLON, YOU'VE
GOT WORK EXPERIENCE

TAKEN CARE OF.

NOW YOU WANNA JUXTAPOSE
AN UNUSUAL ACTIVITY.

SOMETHING THAT WOULD WAKE UP

A TIRED ADMISSIONS OFFICER
AT 3 A.M.,

LIKE THE KID WHO RAFTED
DOWN THE AMAZON.

LAST YEAR, A GIRL TOOK UP
PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING,

AND SHE GOT INTO YALE!

NO, HARVARD.

Both: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

GOOD-BYE!
GOOD-BYE!

UGH!

ARGH! UH!

OH!

HI, GUYS.

I'M HERE FOR
THE WRESTLING LESSONS.

HA HA HA!

SO, YOU WANT TO
TAKE WRESTLING

AS AN EXTRACURRICULAR
ACTIVITY, HUH?

NO. ACTUALLY, I'VE BEEN
THINKING IT OVER AND--

WHOA! OOH! OOH! UH-OH!

AAH!

UGH!

♪ ALL OF THE TIME
WE'RE SEARCHING FOR ♪

♪ SOMETHING TO BE
THAT'S SO MUCH MORE ♪

♪ THAN WHAT THEY TELL US
WE CAN BE ♪

♪ WE ALL KNOW MUCH BETTER ♪

♪ THAT THERE'S TIME ENOUGH
FOR DREAMING ♪

♪ IF WE ALL GO ON BELIEVING ♪

♪ WE COULD TRY JUST A LITTLE,
LOVE JUST A LITTLE ♪

♪ OPEN OUR HEARTS,
OPEN OUR MINDS ♪

♪ IF WE CAN REMEMBER
WE ARE YOUNG ♪

♪ AND ALL THE THINGS
WE CAN BECOME ♪

♪ WE CAN SHARE
THIS MOMENT... ♪

GIRL, AREN'T YOU EVER
GOING TO GO HOME?

I WILL. I JUST GOT TO
FINISH UP THIS APPLICATION.

WELL, DON'T FORGET
TO LOCK UP.

BYE, VERA.

GOOD NIGHT,
HENRY.

♪ HAVE JUST BEGUN ♪

♪ THEN WE CAN STAY
FOREVER YOUNG ♪

♪ REACHIN' FOR SOMETHING ♪

♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪

♪ FINDIN' AND HAVIN' ♪

♪ SOMETHING INSIDE YOU ♪

♪ YOU GOT TO BELIEVE ♪

♪ IF WE CAN REMEMBER
WE ARE YOUNG ♪

I'VE GOT TO GO.

DO YOU HAVE
ANYTHING FOR ME?

I THINK THIS IS
ONE OF YOURS.

OH, GREAT.
MARLON BROWNE.

HA HA HA!

THANKS A LOT,
LEO.

ALL RIGHT, NINA.
ANYTIME. ANYWHERE.

OOH! UH...

HA HA! OH, NO!

SO, DID LEO GIVE
GOOD MEETING IN THERE?

WE HAD LUNCH

AND A VERY
SERIOUS DISCUSSION

ABOUT VERA COOKE,
IF YOU MUST KNOW.

IN FACT, WE'VE PENCILED
IN ANOTHER MEETING

TO DISCUSS THE MATTER
FURTHER.

BET THAT'S NOT ALL
HE'D LIKE TO PENCIL IN.

I'VE GOT WORK
TO DO, KIP.

BUT KEEP IN MIND,

YOU HAVE AS MANY
OPPORTUNITIES AS LEO

TO BECOME DEAN.

THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS
YOU REFUSE TO GROW UP.

WELL, WE GOT
MARLON BROWNE.

YES.

WHATEVER HAPPENED
TO JESSICA KAILO?

I DIDN'T APPLY.

YOU DIDN'T APPLY
TO RAMSEY?

THE DEADLINE
IS TONIGHT.

WHAT ARE YOU,
A RECRUITER?

DIDN'T A CERTAIN
MR. HAMMETT TALK TO YOU

ABOUT BEING PERFECT
RAMSEY MATERIAL?

I DON'T WANT TO TALK
ABOUT THAT, MARLON.

MR. HAMMETT HAS
A WARPED SENSE OF HUMOR.

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

HE'S A GREAT GUY.
IT'S A GREAT SCHOOL,

AND YOU HAVE TIME TO GET
YOUR APPLICATION IN.

YOU HAVE UNTIL
6 P.M.

MARLON...

RAMSEY'S NOT
THE RIGHT SCHOOL

FOR ME, OK?

SO WHERE ARE YOU
GOING, THEN?

MICHIGAN.

YOUR DAD'S SCHOOL?

YOU LIKE MICHIGAN
BETTER THAN RAMSEY?

LOOK, YOU COULDN'T
POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND

THE DECISIONS
I'VE HAD TO MAKE.

MAYBE I COULDN'T, BUT
I'VE MADE SOME DECISIONS, TOO,

I'VE MADE SOME
VERY PASSIONATE DECISIONS.

LIKE WHAT?

HOW ABOUT...
SUICIDING, FOR INSTANCE.

I DIDN'T APPLY
ANYWHERE BUT RAMSEY,

AND I DON'T STAND A CHANCE
THERE.

WELL, THAT'S GREAT,
MARLON, JUST CRAZY.

YOU'RE THE SUICIDE,

AND I'M THE ONE
THAT CRACKED.

WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED
TO MAKE US,

SOME SORT OF WEIRD
FRIENDS OR SOMETHING?

I'M SORRY, MARLON.

YOU KNOW WHAT
I FOUND OUT

WHEN I WENT TO RAMSEY?

I DISCOVERED THAT I'M
BORING AND PREDICTABLE,

THAT I'M TOTALLY AVERAGE,
SO I FREAKED.

I FREAKED, MARLON.

THEN YOU'RE NOT AVERAGE.

PEOPLE WHO ARE AVERAGE,
JESSICA,

THEY DON'T MIND BEING AVERAGE.
THEY DON'T FREAK.

COME ON, JESSICA.
DON'T CRY.

PLEASE DON'T CRY.

SEE, THIS IS WHY I DON'T
COME OVER AND TALK TO YOU A LOT,

BECAUSE I HAVE THIS
LOUSY EFFECT ON YOU.

IT'S NOT YOU.

IT'S NOT?

NO.

OK, LOOK. I THINK
I THINK I HAVE AN IDEA.

A CAR TRAVELING WITH
2 FUTURE RAMSEY STUDENTS

MUST TRAVEL
FROM HOMETOWN A

TO COLLEGE TOWN B
BY 6 P.M.

IF THE DISTANCE
TO TRAVEL IS 450 MILES

AND THEY OBSERVE

THE 55 MILE PER HOUR
SPEED LIMIT,

HOW MUCH TIME
CAN THEY ALLOW

TO STOP FOR GAS
AND SNACKS?

NONE. BECAUSE
6 TIMES 55 IS 330.

WE WON'T GET TO RAMSEY
EVEN IF WE DON'T STOP.

THEN HOW FAST
SHOULD WE GO?

WELL, LET'S MAKE IT EASY.
6 TIMES 60 IS 360.

30 MINUTES TO SPARE
SHOULD BE ENOUGH TIME.

SO, WE, UH...

WE GO 60, MARLON.

GO 60.
GOT IT.

♪ 'CAUSE ANY TIME
WITH YOU ♪

♪ IS GOOD ENOUGH TIME ♪

♪ TO LOVE LIKE WE DO ♪

♪ LOVE LIKE WE DO... ♪

SO HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU
TO WRITE YOUR ESSAY?

I DIDN'T WRITE ONE.
I SENT IN A VIDEO INSTEAD.

SOUNDS SO CREATIVE.

I HAD TO DO SOMETHING,
YOU KNOW?

I SPENT ALL THIS TIME
AND MONEY GOING

TO THESE CONSULTANTS.

THE ONLY HELPFUL THING
I REALLY GOT FROM THEM

WAS THAT YOU HAVE TO GET
THE ATTENTION

OF THE ADMISSIONS OFFICER.
YOU KNOW, THEY WANT TO KNOW

WHO YOU ARE...
SO I MADE THIS VIDEO.

THAT'S GREAT, MARLON.

♪ LOVE LIKE WE DO ♪

♪ LOVE LIKE WE DO ♪

♪ LOVE LIKE WE DO ♪

♪ LOVE LIKE WE DO... ♪

[HORN HONKS]
OK--

A TURTLE!
GOPHER.

GOPHER OR TURTLE?

THAT'S WHAT IT WAS--
A RARE GOPHER TURTLE.

OH, OK. ALL RIGHT.

HERE'S MY OPENING,
ALL RIGHT?

YEAH.

"I WANT TO GO
TO RAMSEY AND BE RUDE,

"NOT BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE
AND NOT ALL THE TIME,

"BUT IF I'M WALKING
ACROSS CAMPUS ONE DAY

"CONTEMPLATING ARISTOTLE,

"I WON'T WORRY IF PEOPLE
THINK I'M A SNOB

"IF I DON'T SMILE
AND SAY HI TO THEM.

I DID ENOUGH OF THAT
IN HIGH SCHOOL."

I THINK IT'S GREAT.

YEAH?
IT'S EXCELLENT.

DO YOU WANT
TO HEAR THE TITLE?

SECRET CONFESSIONS
OF A HIGH SCHOOL PROM QUEEN.

AH!

YEAH? YOU LIKE IT?
IT WORKS?

IT'S DEFINITELY GONNA
BRIGHTEN THE LIVES

OF ANY ADMISSIONS OFFICER
AND HIS CHILDREN.

ALL RIGHT,
ON TO PARAGRAPH 2.

♪ LOVE LIKE WE DO ♪

♪ LOVE LIKE WE DO ♪♪♪

LOOK. YOU THINK
YOU CAN MAKE IT?

YEAH, I'M ALMOST READY
TO PRINT OUT.

WHAT IS WITH THESE TRUCKS?
I THOUGHT THESE GUYS

WERE ALL SUPPOSED TO BE
ON AMPHETAMINES.

JUST WHAT WE NEED.

OH, IT'S A COP.

SHIT! HE'S DOING
THE SPEED LIMIT.

MARLON, IF WE CAN'T GO 55,
IT'LL BLOW THE WHOLE EQUATION.

[HORN HONKS]

GREAT.

WONDERFUL.

ALL RIGHT,
ACCORDING TO THE MAP,

A ROAD INTERSECTS THIS ONE
IN 22 MILES.

IF THE COP TAKES THAT ROAD,

LEAVING US
WITH 32 MILES LEFT TO TRAVEL,

HOW FAST WOULD
WE HAVE TO GO?

WAIT--DO WE WANT IT ON A TIME
OR DISTANCE PROBLEM?

DON'T PANIC. UH...

LET'S JUST BE LOGICAL
ABOUT THIS.

LET'S GO SLOWER.

SLOWER?

MARLON, THIS IS LOGICAL
ON WHAT PLANET?

COME ON, COME ON,
COME ON.

GO FOR IT!

WHOO!

MORON.

[SIREN]

I ALWAYS KNEW
THAT S.A.T. STUFF

WOULDN'T HELP MUCH
IN REAL LIFE.

[BEEP BEEP]

YOU ASSHOLE.

WHY IS IT LOCKED?
IS IT 6:00 ALREADY?

NO. IT'S 5 TO 6:00.
IT'S NOT FAIR.

HEY, JESSICA, ARE YOU
THE KIND OF GIRL

WHOSE DAD GAVE HER
A CREDIT CARD?

YEAH,
BUT IT'S EXPIRED.

DOESN'T MATTER,

BECAUSE MEMBERSHIP
HAS ITS ADVANTAGES.

SOMEBODY'S COMING.

[JIGGLES KNOB]

I THINK HE'S GONE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE
BREAKING AND ENTERING

THE COLLEGE
WE WANT TO GET INTO.

FOR GOOD LUCK.

WELL, WE MADE IT.

ALL WE CAN DO NOW
IS WAIT.

YEAH.

MARLON?

YES, JESSICA?

I DON'T KNOW.

I JUST WANTED TO SAY
THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.

I REALLY HOPE
WE BOTH GET INTO RAMSEY.

I MEAN, I COULDN'T THINK
OF A NICER GUY

TO SPEND THE NEXT
4 YEARS OF MY LIFE WITH.

WELL, LET'S NOT RULE OUT
GRADUATE SCHOOL.

GOOD NIGHT, MARLON.

GOOD NIGHT.

[HORN HONKING]

THAT'S RIGHT,
BOYS AND GIRLS,

GET YOUR COLLEGE PARAPHERNALIA
WHILE IT'S HOT.

MOM, JUST DESCRIBE
THE ENVELOPE TO ME.

IS IT FAT OR WHAT?

JUST TELL ME, MOM.

IS IT FAT OR SKINNY?

MOM, JUST TELL ME,

IS THE ENVELOPE
BIG OR SMALL? MOM!

I GOT ACCEPTED
INTO MICHIGAN.

SO BIG DEAL,
RIGHT?

I WOULDN'T CARE AT ALL,
EXCEPT FOR KELLY--

SHE WAS REJECTED BY
6 SCHOOLS ALREADY.

DAMN SCHOOL!

THAT'S WHY
I RECOMMEND SUICIDING.

YOU CAN ONLY
GET REJECTED ONCE.

MARLON, THIS WAITING
HERE FOR RAMSEY'S

KILLING ME! I WISH
I HAD AMY'S COOL.

MOM, WILL YOU
JUST TALK TO ME?

IS IT FAT OR WHAT?

AAAHH! GOD!

HERE'S AN INTERESTING CASE--
VERA COOKE.

SHE IS,
AS FAR AS I KNOW,

THE MOST
UNDERPRIVILEGED YOUNGSTER

THAT WE HAVE
THIS YEAR.

SHE'S GOT--THANKS, DAVE.
SHE'S GOT DECENT GRADES.

HER FATHER
IS OUT OF THE PICTURE.

HER FATHER'S DEAD.

SHE WROTE ABOUT HIM
IN HER ESSAY.

OH, YES. OH,
AND IT SAYS HERE,

"HER ENERGY AND STRUGGLE
TO OBTAIN HER DREAMS

"HAS PRODUCED AN INDIVIDUAL
BOTH TOUGH AND SWEET.

SHE'S A WOMAN AND A GIRL
TO RECKON WITH AND TO LOVE."

SHEESH!

WHO WRITES THIS CRAP--
LIONEL RICHIE?

I WROTE IT.

YOU KNOW, I MET HIM ONCE.

HE'S A LOVELY MAN IF YOU
MEET HIM IN PERSON.

THIS IS VERA COOKE.
WE DISCUSSED HER?

OH, YEAH.

I RECRUITED VERA,

AND I STRONGLY
RECOMMEND HER

TO THIS COMMITTEE.

HOW ARE
HER COLLEGE BOARDS?

WELL, 410 VERBAL,
470 MATH. THE POINT IS,

THAT'S NOT THE KIND
OF QUESTION

WE NEED TO BE ASKING
ABOUT A PERSON LIKE VERA.

WHAT IS THE RIGHT
QUESTION?

WHETHER WE AS A GROUP

ARE WILLING TO
TAKE A CHANCE.

THIS IS A CASE
IN WHICH

RAMSEY CAN MAKE
A DIFFERENCE,

ONE THAT COULD ACTUALLY
CHANGE SOMEONE'S LIFE.

WE AGREE WITH
NINA, RIGHT?

DURING THE BREAK,
I TALKED TO LEO,

AND HE BROUGHT UP
AN INTERESTING POINT.

WHOSE INTERESTS
ARE WE SERVING HERE?

RAMSEY IS A VERY
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT.

WE NEED MINORITY
STUDENTS,

BUT AT THE EXPENSE
OF THIS GIRL?

I DON'T SEE THAT WE'RE
REALLY THAT DESPERATE

TO FILL OUR QUOTA.

FORGET THE QUOTA.
FORGET SHE'S BLACK.

GOOD. BECAUSE MY VOTE
CAN'T BE WON

ON THE BASIS
OF COLOR ANYWAY,

SO WHAT DOES THAT
LEAVE US WITH,

AS FAR AS VERA COOKE
IS CONCERNED,

ASIDE FROM
THE DISMAL NUMBERS?

EVERYTHING
THAT'S NOT A NUMBER.

WHAT'S THE COMMITMENT
TO DESERVING STUDENTS

IN THIS ROOM?

OH, PLEASE!
I MEAN,

WE'VE GOT TOPNOTCH
MINORITY APPLICANTS

FROM ANDOVER,
PHILLIPS EXETER--

THAT'S COMPLETELY
OUTRAGEOUS, LEO!

YOU KNOW EXACTLY
HOW I FEEL

ABOUT GIVING
THIS GIRL A CHANCE.

I THINK WE ALL WANT
A REASONABLE SOLUTION. LEO?

WELL, I HAVE NO OBJECTIONS
TO THE WAIT LIST.

SALLY, HOW DO YOU FEEL
ABOUT THAT?

THE WAIT LIST?

THAT'S LIKE FALLING
INTO BUREAUCRATIC LIMBO.

NOBODY EVER GETS IN HERE
ON THE WAIT LIST.

CAN WE MOVE ON, PLEASE?

OH, MY GOD.

IT'S FROM RAMSEY.

OH, IT IS.

SOMEBODY'S
GOTTA OPEN IT.

I'LL DO IT.

[CRYING]

I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU.

YOU DID IT.
YOU GOT INTO RAMSEY.

BUT WHAT ABOUT
MARLON BROWNE?

60, 70, 80...

YOU LOOK LIKE A GUY

WHO'S OBVIOUSLY
GOING TO MAKE IT.

I BETTER. I PAID $1,000
TO BAUER-BENEDEK.

HE SAID THIS STUFF LOOKS
GREAT ON MY APPLICATION.

DID YOU HEAR
ANYTHING YET?

HEY, CHEER UP. HAVE
A BUMPER STICKER ON ME.

HA HA!

[HONK HONK]

COME ON, RAMSEY.
WHAT'S GOING ON?

NOW, I KNOW THIS KID
SEEMS HOPELESS ON PAPER,

BUT YOU GOT TO
SEE THIS TAPE.

I MET HIM, AND I THINK
HE'S REALLY GOT SOMETHING.

OH, YEAH? BETTER BE
A UNION CARD.

I DON'T KNOW, BOB.

DO WE REALLY HAVE TIME
FOR THIS KIND OF TOMFOOLERY?

WELL, WE ARE
RUNNING LATE.

TOMORROW'S THE LAST
DAY OF ADMISSIONS,

AND THERE'S JUST
SO MANY OPENINGS.

I JUST DON'T THINK

THIS BOY'S FOLDER
WARRANTS THE TIME.

WE USED TOHAVE TIME
FOR ALL TYPES OF KIDS.

I'D LIKE TO SEE
THE TAPE.

YOU COULD
GIVE FLUTTER THE TAPE,

'CAUSE I'M NOT GONNA
LOOK AT IT.

BESIDES, WE GAVE YOU
THE KAILO GIRL THE OTHER DAY.

REMEMBER?

NO, LEO, YOU DIDN'T
GIVE ME ANYTHING, OK?

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO FIND
INTERESTING STUDENTS.

NOW, I THINK MARLON BROWNE
IS ONE OF THEM.

TAKE ANOTHER LOOK
AT MR. VIDEO'S NUMBERS.

I DON'T KNOW, BOB.

I'VE GOTTA GIVE THIS KID

2 THUMBS DOWN
ON THE RAMSEY SCALE.

DEAN, I THINK IT'S
A TRAGEDY IF WE'RE SAYING

THAT THE ERA
OF THE STILL-SEARCHING,

DOESN'T-KNOW-EXACTLY-WHAT-
TO-DO-WITH-HIS-LIFE KID

IS OVER HERE AT RAMSEY.

IT'S CANCELED, ALL RIGHT,
DUE TO POOR RATINGS.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND,
HAMMETT?

YEAH, I GET IT, LEO.

YOU GOT A NEW PROGRAM--
LEO, DEAN OF ADMISSIONS.

YOU KNOW, I THINK
I'D WATCH THAT SHOW.

I'M NOT GOING TO WATCH IT,
BECAUSE WITH

LEO, DEAN OF ADMISSIONS,
CALLING THE SHOTS AROUND HERE,

MY JOB DESCRIPTION SUCKS.
I DON'T WANNA STAY HERE

AND WATCH YOU RUIN
A PLACE I LOVE.

SO, NINA, LOOKS LIKE

YOUR LUNCH SCHEDULE'S
OPENING WIDE UP.

SCREW YOU, LEO.
EXCUSE ME.

WILL YOU SHOW ME
MARLON'S TAPE?

YEAH. SURE.

COME ON IN.

HI. I'M MARLON BROWNE,
AND YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE

ALL THE STUFF I DID
TRYING TO GET INTO COLLEGE.

LOOKING BACK, THE JUGGLING
SEEMS REALLY PATHETIC.

I KNOW IT WAS
A CREATIVE ACTIVITY

TO PUT ON MY APPLICATION,

BUT I CAN'T BELIEVE TOSSING
FLAMING STICKS IN THE AIR

IS GONNA QUALIFY ME
AS AN INTERESTING GUY

TO HAVE ON CAMPUS.

I FELT I HAD TO DO
SOMETHING UNUSUAL...

BUT INTRAMURAL
PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING

WAS NEVER A WORKABLE IDEA.

AAH!

AAH!

HA HA HA!
HA HA!

I WAS DESPERATE.

EVERYWHERE I WENT,
PEOPLE TOLD ME

HOW COMPETITIVE IT IS
TO GET INTO COLLEGE THESE DAYS.

HERE'S SOME ADVICE,
MARLON.

HOPE FOR A MIRACLE.

THAT'LL BE $100.

I CAME FACE-TO-FACE
WITH THE TRUTH

AFTER MY BUSINESS FAILED.

I GOT IT, YOU GUYS.
COME ON. LET'S GO!

GROW UP, MARLON.

GROW UP--
THAT REALLY GOT TO ME.

IT'S SOMETHING
PEOPLE TELL ME A LOT.

AND WHAT AM I
SUPPOSED TO ANSWER?

I'M GROWING
AS FAST AS I CAN?

WHICH BRINGS ME
TO THE POINT OF MY STORY--

TIME TO MATURE
IS WHAT I NEED.

RIGHT, WILLIE?

RIGHT.

MARLON'S A GREAT KID,
REALLY.

HE JUST NEEDS
TIME TO DEVELOP,

LIKE A FINE WINE.

IF YOU GIVE ME A CHANCE,

I'LL BE THE MOST ENTHUSIASTIC,
OPEN-MINDED STUDENT

YOU'VE EVER SEEN
AT RAMSEY.

WE COULD REALLY
USE THE ROOM.

COME ON,
MARLON.

TIME FOR YOUR
NEXT LESSON.

WELL, GOT TO GO.

PLEASE, CONSIDER ME
FOR RAMSEY.

I WON'T LET YOU DOWN.

LEO'S A PIG.

LEO IS 6 PIGS.

OH, GOD, I THINK
I JUST GOT AN IDEA.

[DOG GROWLING]

YOU--YOU'RE
THE MAILMAN.

YEAH.

WHO'S IT FOR?

ARE YOU MARLON BROWNE?

YES.

IT'S FOR YOU.

WHERE'S IT FROM?

PENNSYLVANIA.

PENNSYLVANIA.
RAMSEY, PENNSYLVANIA.

WOULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR
AND OPEN IT?

I CAN'T LOOK.
I'M TOO NERVOUS.

I'D LOVE TO.

MARLON BROWNE?

YES?

CONGRATULATIONS.

I DID IT!
I GOT INTO RAMSEY!

IT'S FROM RAMSEY?

NO. IT'S FROM ED McMAHON.

YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY
WON $10 MILLION.

SEE, I GET THE FEELING

WE COULD DOUBLE
OUR ENDOWMENT

IF WE COULD JUST GET
A STRONGER STUDENT BODY--

LEO, I BELIEVE THIS FOLDER
ESCAPED YOUR ATTENTION.

THANK YOU, SALLY.

WELL, LOOK WHO
JUST WALKED IN--

MR. GRUMPY DECIDE
TO FINISH HIS TENURE?

GOOD TO HAVE
YOU BACK, KID.

LAST CHANCE TO ADMIT
THE REJECT DU JOUR,KIP.

NO, NO, THAT'S
YOUR DEPARTMENT, LEO.

AU CONTRAIRE,
KIPSTER.

IT'S THE LIKES
OF LEONARD EDWARD FUNT

THAT CATCH MY EYE.

LISTEN TO THESE NUMBERS--

800 VERBAL, 760 MATH.

4.0 GPA.

SECOND-RANKED
IN HIS CLASS.

I WONDER WHICH SOPHOMORIC
ADMISSIONS OFFICER

KEPT THIS KID
A SECRET...KIP.

LEO, LET ME SEE THAT.

I DON'T REMEMBER
HEARING ABOUT THIS FOLDER.

WHO WERE THE READERS?

I WAS.

THAT FIGURES.

OH, AND YOU, TOO, LEO.

ME AND FLUTTER?

MM-HMM.

LET ME SEE
THAT FOLDER.

EXCUSE ME, LEO.
GOOD LORD, LEO.

YOUR COMMENTS
ARE RIGHT HERE.

"LEONARD EDWARD FUNT
IS A FIRST-RATE SPECIMEN.

DON'T LET HIM SLIP AWAY."

AND I MEANT IT.
I MEAN, JUST LOOKING

AT THOSE NUMBERS
MAKE MY MOUTH WATER.

I SAY WE SEND A LIMO

UNLESS KIP HAS
AN ARGUMENT.

WHAT THE HELL.

THANK YOU, KIP.

NOW,
AS THE NEW DEAN,

I'LL BE MAKING
A FEW CHANGES--

FIRST, A PAINT JOB
FOR THE OLD BEAMER.

SO I'LL NEED
TWO PARKING SPACES.

I MIGHT HAVE
TO BUMP YOU DOWN

TO THE CUSTODIAL
PARKING LOT. MIND?

OK, LEO,
ANYTHING YOU SAY.

I'M BEGINNING TO
LIKE YOU, FLUTTER.

MAYBE I WON'T MOVE
YOUR OFFICE DOWN

TO THE BASEMENT.

LEO, MR. FUNT
HAS ARRIVED,

AND KIP THOUGHT
YOU MIGHT WANT TO SAY HELLO.

LEONARD EDWARD FUNT,
THE NEW PRIDE OF RAMSEY?

NOW WE'RE GONNA SEE
THE KIND OF STUDENT

WE SHOULD BE ADMITTING
TO RAMSEY.

NOW, DEAN, I'M SURE
YOU'LL ENJOY MEETING

THE KIND OF STUDENTS
WE SHOULDBE ADMITTING

HERE AT RAMSEY,

STUDENTS WHICH I,
AS YOUR SUCCESSOR,

WOULD BE VERY PROUD TO PROVIDE
FOR THESE HALLOWED HALLS.

NOW, LEONARD E. FUNT

IS ONE OF
MY PERSONAL PRIDES.

LEONARD.

WHAT IS THIS THING?

IT'S NOT A THING, LEO,
IT'S A PACHYDERM--

L.E. FUNT, THE NEW
PRIDE OF RAMSEY.

LEONARD EDWARD...
L.E. FUNT.

BOB, PLEASE, YOU'VE GOT TO
AGREE WITH ME

THAT THIS PRANK WON'T
LOOK GOOD ON HAMMETT'S RECORD.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I QUIT, REMEMBER,

AFTER FIGHTING
A LOSING BATTLE

TO ADMIT A FEW
GOOD HUMAN BEINGS.

WHAT'S THIS?

THIS IS A FILTHY BEAST
AND A STUPID PRANK

COMPLIMENTS
OF KIP HAMMETT.

OH, AND ME.

DON'T TELL ME THIS IS
LEONARD EDWARD FUNT.

YES, IT IS,
CHANCELLOR.

JOANNA.

HE'S GOT
THE PERFECT NUMBERS.

IF THESE STANDARDS HAD
BEEN USED WHEN I APPLIED,

YOU NEVER WOULD
HAVE ADMITTED ME.

I THINK RAMSEY AND I
WERE A PERFECT MATCH.

SO DO I.

THAT'S ALL
WE WANTED TO SAY,

SO GOOD LUCK.

SEE YOU LATER.

WAIT.

WE'VE GONE OVERBOARD,
LEO.

YES. I THINK
THEY'RE RIGHT.

WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST
WE DO ABOUT THIS, KIP?

WELL, UH, WE DO HAVE
A COUPLE OF SUGGESTIONS.

WHAT ABOUT LEONARD?
IS HE GOING TO RAMSEY?

FLUTTER,
WITH LEONARD'S NUMBERS,

HE'S GOT HIS HEART
SET ON HARVARD.

HERE, LEO.
HAVE A HAPPY FUTURE.

[SQUEAK]

SO, LEONARD...

HARVARD, HUH?

♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪

♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA DA... ♪

THANK YOU. HAVE
A NICE DAY. COME AGAIN.

IT'S FROM RAMSEY.

I'M TOO SCARED, MA.
YOU OPEN IT.

♪ DA DA DA DA DA
DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪

♪ I WAS ONLY 17 WHEN SHE
LOOKED AT ME THAT WAY... ♪

YOU DID IT, BABY.

I DID IT.

I GOT IN.

I GOT INTO COLLEGE!

♪ I FELT
THE STRANGEST FEELING... ♪

IT'S FROM RAMSEY.

I GOT ACCEPTED.

I GOT REJECTED.

BUMMER.

WHAT'S YOURS SAY?

IT SAYS, "DEAR LORI,

"CONGRATULATIONS
ON YOUR ACCEPTANCE

"AT RAMSEY COLLEGE,

AND WE LOOK FORWARD
TO YOUR VIOLIN PLAYING."

YOU PLAY THE OBOE.
I PLAY THE VIOLIN.

SHIT.
SHIT.

LOOK, HON...
IT'S FROM RAMSEY.

ANOTHER WAIT LIST.

SHALL WE FILE IT
WITH THE REST?

YOUR MOTHER AND I
ARE MAKING A FIRE.

♪ THEN THE YEARS
WENT ROLLING BY ♪

♪ I GREW UP
AND MOVED AWAY ♪

♪ HAD TO EARN MY PAY ♪

♪ FOUND ANOTHER LOVER THEN ♪

♪ BUT MY HEART
IS SAD TO SAY... ♪

WHAT HAPPENED?

I GOT INTO RAMSEY.

CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU'RE GOING THROUGH
WITH IT, HUH?

YOU'RE LEAVING?

I'LL SEND YOU
POST CARDS, BROWNE.

HEY, I GOT A LOT
OF MILES TO COVER,

AND IT ALL STARTS
WITH THE FIRST STEP.

DON'T FORGET ME.

NOT IN A MILLION YEARS.

♪ LOVE CHANGES,
CHANGES EVERYTHING ♪

♪ LOVE MAKES YOU FLY,
IT CAN BREAK YOUR WINGS... ♪

SO...WHICH DIRECTION
ARE YOU HEADED?

WE'RE TRAVELING
THE WORLD

WITH UNCLAIMED
GAME SHOW PRIZES.

OH, BOB, CAN WE
TAKE HIM WITH US?

PLEASE, BOB?
PLEASE?

PLEASE, BOB.
TAKE ME WITH YOU.

OH, WHAT THE HECK.
HOP IN, KID.

♪ LOVE CHANGES EVERYTHING ♪

♪ DA DA DA DA
DA DA DA DA... ♪

HERE HE COMES NOW.
RONNY, RONNY!

I'D LIKE TO SAY
WE ARE SO PROUD

TO BE SIGNING HERE
AT RAMSEY COLLEGE.

I MEAN, WE'RE
JUST THRILLED--

YO, CHILL, BABY.

FOOTBALL IS
A GREAT GAME,

BUT IT'S ONLY A GAME.

I THINK PLATO SAID IT
BEST WHEN HE SAID,

"THE UNEXAMINED LIFE
IS NOT WORTH LIVING."

I'M GRATEFUL TO
THE RAMSEY FOOTBALL STAFF

FOR ITS SUPPORT,

BUT I'VE DECIDED
TO DEDICATE MY TIME HERE

TO MORE INTELLECTUAL
PURSUITS.

THANK YOU.

NICE OFFICE.

WAS IT ALWAYS THIS BIG?

DID IT ALWAYS HAVE
THIS MANY WINDOWS?

YOU'RE SO IMPRESSED

WITH THE TRAPPINGS
OF POWER.

I'M SO IMPRESSED
WITH POWERFUL MEN.

YEAH.

DID IT ALWAYS HAVE
THE LEATHER COUCH?

HMM.

♪ LOVE CHANGES ♪

♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪

♪ LOVE CHANGES EVERYTHING ♪♪♪

TWO MEN, A AND B,

ARE TRAPPED
INSIDE MY MAILBOX,

CHAINED TO 200,000 POUNDS
OF EXPLOSIVES.

THIS ISN'T FUNNY,
MARLON!

COME ON, MAN,
WHAT TEST IS THIS?

CUT IT OUT,
MARLON!

WITH 30 SECONDS TO ESCAPE
3-INCH CHAINS,

SAWING AT ONE INCH
PER SECOND,

WHAT ARE THEIR CHANCES
OF SURVIVAL?

GO ON TO THE NEXT
QUESTION! SKIP IT!

COME ON, MAN!
GET US OUT OF HERE!

ANSWER THE QUESTION!

WHO CARES? I ALREADY
GOT INTO COLLEGE.

HEY, WHO DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE KIDDING--AAH!

WE'RE NOT
GOING TO DIE.

MARLON WOULDN'T
KILL US.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WE'RE IN A MAILBOX!

COME ON, MARLON,
LET US OUT!

COME ON, MARLON.

YOU MADE IT.

GREAT. YOU MADE IT.

A: THERE'S ALWAYS
GRADUATE SCHOOL!

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
20th CENTURY FOX

♪ ALL OF THE TIME ♪

♪ WE'RE SEARCHING FOR
SOMETHING TO BE ♪

♪ THAT'S SO MUCH MORE ♪

♪ THAN WHAT THEY TELL US
WE CAN BE ♪

♪ WE ALL KNOW MUCH BETTER ♪

♪ THAT THERE'S TIME ENOUGH
FOR DREAMING ♪

♪ IF WE ALL GO ON BELIEVING ♪

♪ WE COULD TRY JUST A LITTLE ♪

♪ LOVE JUST A LITTLE ♪

♪ OPEN OUR HEARTS,
OPEN OUR MINDS ♪

♪ IF WE CAN REMEMBER
WE ARE YOUNG ♪

♪ AND ALL THE THINGS
WE CAN BECOME ♪

♪ WE CAN SHARE THIS MOMENT
ALL OUR LIVES ♪

♪ OVER AND OVER AGAIN ♪

♪ IF WE CAN REMEMBER
WE ARE YOUNG ♪

♪ AND THAT OUR LIVES
HAVE JUST BEGUN ♪

♪ THEN WE CAN STAY
FOREVER YOUNG ♪

♪ GOT TO BELIEVE IN
WHAT WE KNOW ♪

♪ FOLLOW OUR HEARTS
AND TRUST THE SOUL ♪

♪ FIGHTING FOR SOMETHING
THAT YOU FEEL ♪

♪ YOU'VE GOT TO STAY WITH IT ♪

♪ 'CAUSE THERE'S TIME ENOUGH
FOR DREAMING ♪

♪ IF WE ALL GO ON BELIEVING ♪

♪ WE COULD TRY JUST A LITTLE ♪

♪ LOVE JUST A LITTLE ♪

♪ OPEN OUR HEARTS,
OPEN OUR MINDS ♪

♪ IF WE CAN REMEMBER
WE ARE YOUNG ♪

♪ AND ALL THE THINGS
WE CAN BECOME ♪

♪ WE CAN SHARE THIS MOMENT
ALL OUR LIVES ♪

♪ OVER AND OVER AGAIN ♪

♪ IF WE CAN REMEMBER
WE ARE YOUNG ♪

♪ AND THAT OUR LIVES
HAVE JUST BEGUN ♪

♪ THEN WE CAN STAY
FOREVER YOUNG ♪

♪ REACHING FOR SOMETHING ♪

♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪

♪ FINDIN' AND LOVIN' ♪

♪ SOMETHING INSIDE YOU ♪

♪ YOU GOT TO BELIEVE ♪

♪ IF WE CAN REMEMBER
WE ARE YOUNG ♪♪♪