How Funny Can Sex Be? (1973) - full transcript

Sex Mad
a. k.a How Funny Can Sex Be?

Subtitled By SL Handy

- Domenico, have you brought tea of coffee?
- Coffee, Madam.

- But I asked for tea.
- No, you asked for coffee.

- I said tea! Understand?
- Very good, Madam.

Domenico! The bath towel, please.

- Just leave it!
- It's trapped, Madame.

Give me a light massage.

Good, that's enough, Domenico.

Madame, the coffee is getting cold.

- May I serve, Madame?.
- Yes.



Made in true Brazilian style

- Domenico! What are thinking of?
- Of my mother, Madame.

- Think of her elsewhere.
- Excuse me. I think of her always.

I am sorry.
An unforgivable lapse.

- When did you say you were leaving, dearest?
- At 20:00.

Let's hope there isn't a storm
like last night.

- There was a storm?
- Yes. Don't tell me you didn't you hear it.

- I didn't hear it.
- But, it would have woken a corpse.

It must be my medicine,
I can't even rise in the morning.

Champagne, Sir?

Watch you don't make another mess.
Don't think of your mother!

Did you call?

Yes. Wake me at 05:00 precisely, I must
accompany my husband to the airport.

Very good, Madam.



Madam, it's 05:00.

Madam, it's 05:00.

Madam, it is 05:00.

Madam... Madam Juliette...

Madam, it's five o'clock!

He said he called me at five
But I slept until six.

- He forgot to call me!
- But he's such a dedicated boy.

He's indiscreet. I can feel his eyes on me.

All servants fall in love with
their masters

- What about the one we used to have?
- Oh, she was interested in me!

She always stole my silk stockings.

Au revoir, my sweet.

Au revoir, dearest.

Coca Cola: 21,000
General Motors: 26,400

Hatu: 32,000
Kawasaki: 36,200

Montedison: 20
Ford: 48,000.

Alfasud: 3... Christ!
Franco: up 15, lira

- That's enough. Switch.
- Ok switching.

Berna:
A 32 year old Italian worker...

.. stabbed his wife's lover...
Nice work!

- That's enough, Domenico. Good night.
- Good night.

- Go!
- I go.

- Domenico!
Don't forget to water the flowers.

- Very good, Madam.
- Domenico! - Yes, Madam.

Wake me at 08:00 tomorrow.
Goodnight.

Eight o'clock on the dot.
Good night, Madam.

Madam, it's 08:00.

It's 08:00!
The tea is ready!

Madam! Madam, it's 08:00!

Excuse me... Excuse my...
impertinence, but it's 08:00.

Be calm,
I won't dirty the sheets.

Can you hear me, it's 8:00, Madam?

What a tit...!
It's 08:00, Madam.

Oh God, I want you!
Dirty whore! My mistress!

Show me...
Your pubis...

Don't look. Cuckold!

Excuse me, Madam, but it's 08:00.

I... Madam... Must dare a little more...

Pardon, Madam, it's 08:00,
but don't wake, please.

I was very quick.

Madam, it's 08:00.

Madam...

Good morning, Madam.
Did you sleep well?

- What time is it, Domenico?
- A couple of minutes past 08:00 Madam.

- Breakfast, Madam.
- Thank you, Domenico.

When you woke me,
I'd just gone to sleep

- I didn't close my eyes all night.
- I'm sorry, Madam.

- I'm going to take a nap. Wake me at 11:00.
- Very good.

- Domenico, where are you going? Breakfast!
- You're right!

But, Domenico!
Pay attention!

What have you brought me?
I said tea!

Domenico, what's come over you?

Two Hearts and a Shack

For Sale

Shit!
No one's going to buy it, now!

- Daddy!
- Spying, are you? You know that's naughty!

- What did Mummy do today?
- Nothing.

- And no one came while I was away?
- Who should come?

- I ask the questions, you answer!
- No one.

Ok, let's go.
Don't make a sound.

Stay!

Get in.

No need to call the carpenter, right!

'War' with one 'R'
Ignorant!

Preparing dinner at the last moment.
What do you do all day?

And you smoke your pipe!
Go on, set the house a light!

With all the manicures and canasta,
time passes so quickly

- So you want to argue?
- Oh, of course!

I saw that lipstick on your shirt,
but you think I'll keep quiet about it.

- Which shirt?
- The red one.

- The ladies haven't used lipstick in years.
- Oh, it was an old mark.

It's the old trick! When you've
something to hide, you attack me!

Because you don't want to pay your due.

You wore the new dress?
Where've you been? Shame on you!

To get medicine for Claudio.
He's got a cough.

Oh, give up this crap, will you!
Why not send him?

They won't give it to him for nothing!

Right, you can play the "little pigeon"
with the pharmacist

Go and kill yourself!

Whose is this newspaper?
Out! Everybody out!

Go! Quick!

- Confess! Whose is it?
- What do I know? Yours?

Of course, I need it for the stock
quotations! Who left it?

It must have been Agnelli. He stopped by
to see if we had a spare bed to rent.

Oh, you're playing the fool! If it wasn't
Agnelli, it was someone else!

When I'm not here,
someone else comes!

Remember, when I get proof
I'll kill you, you dirty slut!

You're the slut, going to Parioli,
playing the gigolo with all the women!

- You shit! - You're the shit,
you grandmother's little whore!

- I'll kill you!
- I'll kill you, you son of a slut!

No! Give me the bottle!

I know you've hidden a photo
in your shoe!

Because there's a hole in the bottom!

What a beauty you gave me.
My head's still ringing.

Are you still shitting, my love?

- Will the wine stain go away? I'm
all dirty. - One.. two.. three.. four..

But I'm content!
A real man has to take charge!

- If you want me to take charge,
invite me to the martial bed!

- Let's go to bed!
- I'm coming!

- If the weather's nice on Sunday...
- eight.. nine.. ten.. eleven...

- .. but these socks are filthy...
- thirteen.. fourteen.

I've got a nice surprise for you tonight.

I know your surprise. Quietly,
so they don't hear us.

Come here, my beauty.
Tell me who you are.

I'm all yours!
But let's be quiet!

- Tell me something...
- No, they can hear!

- Pretend to talk about something else.
- What shall I make you for lunch tomorrow?

- Two aubergines!
- Two bits of cod!

- I won't digest that.
- And if I cook you two chickpeas?

No, they make me fart.

- Peppers are less heavy...
- Then, two broccolis my love...

- Broccoli is better.
- Cooked in the pan.

Yes, with garlic.

With garlic and chilli pepper.

- And a touch of sage.
- Sage... yes, sage...

Did you say something, my love?

It's never too late.

- Don't disturb me for a few minutes.
- Yes, sir.

Are you there, my dove...?
Good morning, my love, it's me.

This joke is becoming vulgar and absurd!

How beautiful you are when you're angry.

I could get angry for real
and call the police!

You won't do it. No woman is
insensitive to a sincere love.

I am a man in love who wants
to crush you in his arms.

He must be a madman!
Or an old pervert!

Enrico... I can't sleep.

- Read something.
- Enrico...

It's the latest edition, dear.

- Where are you going?
- I'm thirsty, I'll be back soon.

Enrico... drink quickly

Six, four...

My love, I wanted only to
wish you good night.

Don't be irritated, don't say
ugly things, my dove.

I'm so in love, I cannot sleep
without saying I love you.

I love you... I love you...

Hello, my dove,
my little dove...

Always open these windows,
eh, Valeria?

What does this madman want from me?

What does he want?

He keeps a photo of Golda Meir
in his wallet.

For him, women become
desirable when they're 70.

What do I know, Gerontophilia, Chronophilia,
granny grabber.

- Have you been waiting long, Carlo?
- Yes, but I'm not Carlo!

Let me in, my dove!

- I'm a poor old woman!
- You are glorious!

Do not fear, I will not covet you,
I'm taken with you, crazily!

What do you want with me?
I could be your grandmother!

A kiss. I've been thinking about
your burning lips for days.

But we're not even related!

Because I desire you! Don't hide,
you must be mine, only mine!

It'll be wonderful, you'll see! Don't look
at me with those gazelle's eye!

Poor dove
my little dove!

Look, I brought you
some marron glace.

- How did you know I like them?
- I know everything about you, Esperia!

I made this liquor myself.
Grape, strawberry and cherry.

It's non-alcoholic,
my mother taught me.

Promise you'll be good and not touch me,
even with a finger?

I promise.

To our love.

Oh, what devil's eyes
you have!

My little dove...

My dove, tell me the truth...
when was the last time?

The only time!
During the war.

- 1940?
- No, 1915. He was an Austrian Captain.

- Did you love him?
- Crazily!

- He left me for the cannon shot!
- It's terrible...

- Do you still love him?
- No, now I love you, Enrico.

Oh, Enrico...
Oh, Enrico... Oh, Enrico...

Did you understand,
Valeria?

- Enrico!
- Esperia! What are you doing here?

- What are YOU doing here?
- I came by to see you.

I'm always out in the morning
as you well know!

- I was in the area, and I thought...
- "I thought"!

Tell the truth. You came
because Valeria was alone.

No, she's almost a baby.

Ok. But from tomorrow,
Valeria does the shopping with me!

- Corinne! - Esperia, how are you?

- You look so well!
- You too!

My dear, one minute, I forgot my money.
Wait for me.

My little dove...

Mother!

The Honeymoon.

Hold it!

Another! Hold it!

Another!

Okay, that's it!

- May I kiss the bride?
- Thank you, Father!

Long live the happy couple!

This is my wife!

- Grazia, where are you?...
You gave me a shock. - Here I am!

- We'll see you at the dinner.
- Yes, mother

Give us a push. It won't go

- Go on! - Put it in third!
- Go on, push!

A toast to Grazia and Lello!

The Happy Couple! Kiss!

Giovanna, dance with me!

- Catch! Here!
- Me too!

Put this under your pillow
and in a year you'll be married too.

- To who? You caught the best one!
- Thank you!

Why don't you come with us
on the honeymoon?

Just married and you've
already started. Pig!

Just my homage to beauty!
And you've so many beautiful parts!

If they interest you so much,
you could have thought first, you demon!

Don't wear yourself out.
You'll have no energy for tonight!

Poor Grazia, with that husband,
just think of the horns she'll be wearing

The priest is dancing with that old woman!
Dance, slut, on your way to hell!

Grazia, the train's leaving in an hour.
Go and change!

Here's my beautiful bride!
I'm going to undress the bride!

- The bride will undress herself!
- As if I hadn't said it, dear!

- I like you more than your daughter...
- Liar!

Remember, the Hotel Adriatic. Your mother
and I went there for our honeymoon.

I get it. I understand.
I'm not an imbecile!

- Come on, Grazia!
- I'm coming!

Room 35, remember!

It was room 28 not 35.

Remember everything
your mother taught you!

- Man is a dirty beast!
Even your father was a beast!

- Don't harm my child,
you filthy dirty black animal!

- Don't worry, I'll go slowly!
- Bye! - Write to us!

- Room 35!
- 28!

You can't refuse me,
I'm your husband!

It makes the blood rush to my head.
Not on the train, are you mad?

Where does it say "No screwing"?

Let's go here, it's empty.

We got married a few hours ago.

We should tell them
the tunnel is finished.

You're so handsome
I'm never tired of looking at you!

Why look at me?
Look at Venice!

I don't care about Venice,
I'm looking at you!

Look at me in that way,
and you awake "the beast"

- Don't be so unromantic.
- Who cares!

We'll be at the hotel soon! Stay calm!

All good!
Be patient, no?

- Grazia, what are you doing? Come on!
- I'm coming.

- Do you like it!
- You're a bomb!

It took six months to embroider.
Do you sleep without pyjamas?

I sleep how I was born.
Come near me!

Will you think badly of me, if I tell you
how much I've dreamed of this?

Why? When you're in love,
physical love is natural

Tonight I feel so abandoned!

I want you naked!
Get rid of the nightdress! And the necklace!

- I'm ashamed!
- Ok, keep the necklace, but hurry!

Put out the light, then.

How beautiful you are!
You're like Bottticini's Venus!

Hurry, quickly, I can't hold it!

Hurry, come here!

Are you keeping your knickers on?
Your mother didn't tell you to take them off?

- I'll take them off!
- Don't hurt me, Lello!

Hurt you?
I want to do it four times tonight!

Say your prayers!
I want to do it four, no five times tonight!

Go on, Lello! Go on!

Lello? Lello? Lello?

Lello, what is it? What's the matter?

No... Grazia, tonight no...
I don't feel too well.

- But... just like that?
- Yes, just like that.

It'll be the crabs,
you ate four of them!

Yes, it'll be those four
bloody crabs from this evening.

What are you doing?
Turn off the bloody light!

- Do you want to sleep?
- Yes... maybe I should have a nap.

It's nothing, It'll pass, you'll see.
Don't worry, Grazia.

Today I feel really good!

- You scared me yesterday.
- Who knows what you must've thought.

You must have thought: "what
kind of man did I marry?"

In fact it was nothing. A little sleep
and it all passed.

- Are you sure?
- Feel this, woman of little faith!

- Gondolier, to the Hotel Adriatic!
- Ok. - Full speed!

Quicker! Quicker!

Bravo, Lello! Go, Lello!

I'm afraid there's nothing to be done,
I'm sorry.

Me too.

But what does it depend on?

Ask him what it depends on!

- Has it happened with other women?
- No... well, yes, sort of...

Sometimes, yes...
Almost always.

Hey, you must promise
that no one will ever know this!

You're worried about other people?
What about me?

Of course I'm thinking about you!
Come on, this thing will pass, it'll pass!

Let's hope...

- You said almost always? - Yes
- So then, sometimes...

Once, in Rimini, with a German girl,
... we were in a boat.

The sea was so wild,
that we almost fell in the water.

That time I even managed
an encore, didn't I, my truncheon?

Grazia, do you still love me?

Of course I love you!

You're my husband, my man...

Grazia...
you said 'man' ironically.

Gather round, ladies!
Tomorrow you'll want me and I'll be gone.

I'll sell you some empty trousers,
you can fill them with your loveliness!

And if your behind makes it a tight fit,
the tighter the better!

- Will this fit me? - With that
beautiful behind, one size bigger.

- How did the honeymoon go?
- Not bad. We did our best.

- And the bride? - She's recovering.
Prices have been slashed!

- Lello, you're crazy!
- Thanks! Tomorrow, Lello will be gone!

- Good day, would you like something?
- An ice cream cake.

- Big or small?
- Small, it's just me and Lello.

- Soon you'll be adding to your family.
- Of course, that's why I got married!

- Hi, Giovanna. Hi, Marta.
- Hi, Grazia. Take a seat.

Okay, while I wait for the cake.

- You look well. Are you already pregnant?
- Could be. In fact, I think I must be.

- I'd be terrified, if I was pregnant.
- Get married, then.

- When are you and Vittorio deciding?
- I don't know. He's not like Lello.

Lello always treated me with respect.

- Even before marriage?
- Certainly. Afterwards...

What's it like spending the night with a man?

- Is it true you wake in the middle
of night to... - Is it true?

- Well, sometimes it happens.
It's late, I should go.

- My pleasure, Madam.
- Thanks. Add it to our account.

Lello! Lello! Lello!

- What do you want?
- You remember that German girl?

The one you made love to in the boat,

- I thought we weren't going to talk about
it? - We've got to, it's important!

- Ok, let's talk.
- With who else did you make love?

- Digging up the past, eh?
- Tell me, it's important!

- With my cousin's wife.
- You dirty beast! Where did you do it?

I don't remember...
Ah, yes, in a truck.

The husband was driving, while
we were getting up to stuff in the back.

Lello, I've got it! I understand!

On our honeymoon, on the train
and the boat, you were really excited.

- But in bed, nothing.
- So what?

So what? Nothing happened in the bed!

The next day, you're turned on in the gondola,
but back to the hotel, nothing again.

You've only ever managed to make love
on a boat and in a truck.

- What does this make you think?
- Twice in thirty years is too little!

- No! You can make love only in moving
vehicles! - What's that got to do with it?

The train and the van were
sexual stimulants! Aphrodisiacs!

You mean we've got to make love
in a car or a plane?

You're crazy! You read too much
science fiction!

- Let me sleep!
- What are you doing?

In pyjamas?
Shame on you, Grazia!

- Let's make love in the lift!
- What if the porter sees us?

- You're not normal!
- Kiss me! Kiss me!

Hey maybe you're right?
Push the button!

It works!
Push it again! Push it again!

Wow! You were right!

Push the button!
It's working!

The button!
I've pressed it! Number seven!

- What is it? - It must the boiler!
- No, it's the lawyer's burglar alarm!

Look!
Someone's in the lift!

They've killed someone!
Wake up the general!

Call the police!

Come Back My Darling

Hey, Blondie, you want me?

No, that red girl, please
... with the red hair.

Tamara!

- 5 in the car, 10 at home.
- Miss, would you come back with me?

- Ok that's 10.
- You'll get 20, if you do what I want.

- Oh my God! Who's that?
- No, nothing, it's my wife.

- You want a threesome?
- No, it's a life-size doll.

I bought her when Rosetta left me.

I gave her the same features
And dressed her in her underwear...

At nights I speak with her
and I feel less lonely.

I'll show you the rest of the apartment.

Why did your wife leave you?

She would never have left me.
But he forced her.

He kept saying:
"It's me or him!".

- She would have chosen me, but he
threatened her... - Oh, I'm really sorry!

That's life, Miss.

- Is this right?
You're not a sex maniac, are you?

No! The psychiatrist said
I'm absolutely normal.

- I'm already prepared
for my TV appearance.

You need to take your hair up a bit.
She how you're becoming her?

Like a servant... more or less.

- What are you doing?
- Don't be afraid, Miss, it's ok.

Ours was a marriage of love.

I met her in Asti,
on a skating rink.

Roller-skating's my hobby.
I can even do figures.

I had got a good job with the council,
as an archivist

She was always on at me because
I got paid so little.

But I did it because I enjoyed it,
understand?

Is the hair right like this?

Yes, it's good.
Hers was really red, like yours.

Only Rosetta was a little smaller,
more fat...

It's a shame you're not fat...

Wait...

Let me see... let me see...

Excuse me.. Yes, yes, you're similar.

- Perhaps Rosetta was more pretty...
- Ok, what do I have to do?

Ok, you arrive, ring the bell and read
out what I've written on the sheet.

Ah, the sheet! Where did I put it?
Here it is.

Her handbag.

"Monte Carlo Carnival"
Her favorite perfume.

- What a stink... - It's good!
- Giansiro. Rosetta loves you!

- What's that?
- An Indian blackbird.

- What do you say to your Giansiro?
- Rosetta loves you!

I taught him that.

- Rosetta loves you!
- She'll come back, you'll see.

And the three of us will be
happy again, for ever.

Did you hear? The doorbell.

- Maybe it's her. You'll see. It's her!
- Rosetta loves you.

It's her. I can feel it's her!

Our favorite record, Nilla Pizzi.

- Who is it?
- It's me, Rosetta!

- Rosetta!
- Giansiro...

You've come back?

- Have you come back for good?
- Yes. Can you forgive me?

- Oh, how I longed...
Oh, how I longed for you...

Oh, how I longed for you,
for our house...

.. our intimacy, our
serene and modest life!

I always waited for you...

and I never forgot the cream cakes
which you loved so much.

- They're not too tart, right?
- Actually, a little bit...

No! You must say no! Rosetta
always said they were tart!

Sometimes she'd throw them
in my face.

- They're good, they taste oven fresh.
- I'm pleased.

Do you recognize your room?
It's exactly how you left it.

There is still the odor
of your presence.

- I'm so tired, I want to go to bed
immediately - Of course, straight away.

Can I come to bed with you,
or do have to I sleep on the sofa?

No my love, it's a big bed,
big enough for two.

Thank you. I'll be good, I won't
even touch you with a finger.

But I want to be touched
and squeezed tightly!

- That's why I came back!
- Really?

Of course! I love you so much.
He doesn't matter any more!

He's big and strong, but
he doesn't have your delicate touch.

- But he's younger!
- You have the charm of a mature man.

- Come, come...
- Say I'm the only man for you.

- Tell me you love me!
- I love you, Giansiro!

10... 20...
And here's another 1000 lire.

- Thank you.
- It was wonderful, eh?

- When I get paid, at the end
of the month, we'll do it again.

- Are you always there?
- Every night. Bye.

- Miss Tamara, can I ask you a favor?
- Of course.

Will you telephone me tomorrow,
pretending to be Rosetta?

What do I have to say?

Just nice words, whatever you want.
45, 9, 2, 3.

Italian Workers Abroad

By darling
Don't tire yourself out.

Artificial INSEMINATION
DONORS

Sister, is this where
they're looking for a donor?

The Vendetta

Eat some fried aubergine,
I made it with my own hands.

Poor Michele!
They killed him!

Everyone knows who killed him,
but they won't say.

How tragic. Dying and leaving
behind such a beautiful wife.

If you tread on Don Alvaro's feet,
you don't die of old age.

Here he is, Don Alvaro Macaluso.

Madam Mimma, Don Alvaro is here.

- At your service, Madam Mimma. - The house
is open to friends and enemies. Come in.

Don Alvaro honours the departed and helps
those who are left. I enter as a friend.

- Many thanks for the wreath.
- It was my duty.

- Would you like a sip of marsala?
- A sip.

- To the health of the deceased.
- To his health!

Are you not drinking, Madam Mimma?

To the health of poor Michele.

- How did this tragedy happen?
- I saw nothing, I know nothing.

Do not even you know anything,
Don Alvaro?

It was a great misfortune, I was told.

In the car, on his way home...

...a projectile hit him,
travelling in the opposite direction.

I understand - a road accident.

- May I pay my respects to the corpse?
- The corpse would be honored.

I kiss your hand, Don Alvaro.

They killed him! Everyone
knows who did it, but they won't say!

I kiss your hand, Don Alvaro.

Let's go.

Beautiful, young, handsome,
full of good health!

He could have lived another 100 years!

But what can we do?
You must be brave!

Unfortunately death is the
most incurable illness!

Let's sit down.
Madam Mimma, now you're alone.

If you need Don Alvaro's protection,
you just need to speak.

What can a poor woman
do on her own?

But it's me! Even as a child
you made me crazy with desire!

You know how devoted I am to you!
Anything...!

- I beg you, not in front of him!
- The dead are not jealous!

- But there's also the living!
- They don't have ears, when I speak!

If you like, you could be
Don Alvaro's woman...

...you'd be
the First Lady of Pollesano!

It's too soon
to speak of these things.

I bow to your mourning.

- How long must I wait?
- At least until tomorrow.

- Early afternoon?
- Even late morning, Don Alvaro.

Time enough to forget.

This here is Rosalia,
The queen of the house!

What a beautiful bride!
You chose well.

- What a strong man you are!
- This is nothing!

Thanks, Mimmuzza!

- What a beautiful little house.
- It's all yours now.

Christ, I'm finished.

He hasn't been out for two days,
he's ravenous for women.

Today, Rosalia brought
their meals to them in bed.

Last time he stayed
in there for two weeks.

Five years ago he was younger.

Let's go and take a look.

Let me see.

My turn.

Dance, Mimmuzza!

Dance!

Beautiful...
Mimma... yes... yes...

If it's true that a man can die
in a thousand ways...

.. then Don Alvaro has chosen the best way!

What death could be better for
a man of honor like Don Alvaro...

.. than that found in the
fiery passion of a young woman?

.. his last breath
was not a sorrowful lament...

.. but a sigh of wild passionate love!

If he could attend
his own funeral...

.. Don Alvaro would not produce tears
but copious wine.

Do not sob at his coffin,
but applaud!

"I lived well, and died better. "

This is what Don Alvaro Macaluso would say,
man of honor!

Did you think I betrayed you?
No, I vindicated you.

I used all the erotic arts.
Carmela the whore taught me.

You knew her, right? She taught me
all the sexual techniques.

I destroyed him using every part of my body.

I even abused the laws of nature.

But, revenge has been done.
Execution by sex.

What? You want to know
if I enjoyed myself?

Only once, involuntarily
for a split second.

But it was tiny, I swear!
A tiny orgasm. Forgive me.

You're angry?
Don't look at me like that, Micheluzzo!

Can I go, then?
Bye, Micheluzzo, I'll see you.

A Difficult Love

- Is it much further?
- We've arrived.

This is number 3.

- Are you Antonietta?
- Yes, but who are you?

- The brother. - Of who?
- Of Cosimo, your husband.

Fuck off!
You and your brother!

We're related.
Do you know Cosimo?

He was around a year ago,
then he went away and left his wife.

- Where? - Who knows?
With another woman. Men are men.

- But...
- Stop crying, move.

If I get a job, I'll spend my
first wage on a woman.

Look at him!

Respect where it's due,
bottoms in the city are more rotund.

Hey handsome, you want me too?

Run, girls! Run!

Scarper, girls!

Good evening, commissioner
got a light?

- Come here!
- Piss off!

You beast, I'm a woman who works
to put food on the table!

Two cocktails, please.

- Miss, may I offer you something?
- A beer.

- Another beer.
- Thanks.

Thank you for accepting so gracefully.

- May we chat for a bit?
- Sure, sit down, if you want.

Do you come here to dance often?

No, just once in a while.

I arrived in Milan today.

I like this metropolis a lot
It's so full... of people.

Excuse me dear,
but are you a Milanese?

What? Am I Milanese?
Not originally.

My name is Nino. What is yours?
If I'm not being indiscreet.

- Gilda.
- Excuse me, but are you sexually occupied?

- What are you saying?
- I mean, does Madam have a fiancée?

No.

So then, we could see one another,
and since I'm looking for a job...

- What type of job are you looking for?
- May we use the 'you' form?

But of course... It's warm!
of course...

I'm looking for any kind of job.

I could be a garbage collector.
They say it pays well.

That way, I could invite you to the cinema
or offer you a pizza.

- Is pizza good enough for you?
- Yes, as long as it's well cooked.

- Shall we dance?
- Can't you see I've got company?

Come and dance,
otherwise we might get knifed.

It's a Beguine, Can you manage it?

You dance well!
Where did you learn? Back home?

Nino, excuse me, it was
nice to meet you.

We've had a drink, we've talked
and even danced. But now it's goodbye.

- What is the hurry?
- I've got to go.

- When shall we meet again?
- I don't know...

So then, must I consider this
encounter to be "illusory"?

- How much for 2 beers?
- 600.

I never even took a sip...

Five, six...

Farewell!

Gilda! Gilda!

Gilda!

Leaving on your own,
you might bump into trouble.

If I find her, I'll tell her
I have serious intentions.

I'll tell her "Gilda, with this kiss
I say many things".

I will find a job
and marry you.

She's waiting for me!

You took ages! Where've you been?

She said she didn't have a boyfriend.
It must be her brother.

What brother!
She's a whore.

Anyway, if she's a prostitute,
she'll come back.

If she doesn't return, she's not a prostitute,
and I'll not see her again. Wise words!

How many whores there are in Milan!

- If you don't find me here,
I'll be at the bar. - She's come back!

So, she really is a whore!

- Bye, Pio.
- Bye, Gilda.

What are you doing on the ground?

Gilda, we've nothing more to say.
We began and now we're we finished.

Ready...

It was wonderful.

Thanks dear. Bye. Come back!

Come back...

"I don't know you
I don't know who you are... "

"... I've got my dreams... "

You've come back?

- I've forgiven you.
- You forgive me?

Good mannered people say hello.
Forgive what?

You deceived me.

You came to give me a sermon?
Come on, accompany me home.

It's dead out here tonight...
Look, only 20,000 lira...

- You make more than a surveyor!
- I'm sure you're right.

- But, you live a vice-ridden life.
- Vice? - Being a whore.

It's as clean as any other job,
and better than politics. Let's go.

Come on, look sharp! Happy!
I don't want to look at you all downcast.

- "I don't know you... "
- Hi Gilda, have you hooked up with Onassis?

Tell the truth, did you kiss me
for feelings or for lust?

I don't know, I did it because...
it was spontaneous.

So then... you'd like
me to be your young man?

I don't know... I like you
because you seem like a good boy.

You fascinate me too.

- I've only seen girls like you in films.
- Oh please!

- I'm serious! Even on television.
- You're silly...

- You look like Mina.
- Everyone tells me that. I love her!

- Sing me something... Gilda, please.
- I'm ashamed!

- What do you want me to sing?
- The song that you were singing earlier.

- "I don't know you, who you are... "
- How tuneful!

- What eyes you have!
- You're really nice. - Thank you!

If you give up your job,
we could become an item.

You could be my girlfriend, then my
fiancée, and then mother of our children.

You left out being a grandmother!
Are you crazy!

I'm already married, see the ring?
I've also got a baby, Luigino.

But... we're separated now.

As well as a whore, you've entered wedlock!
One illusion after another!

Whore your sister!
What planet are you from?

- I'm made like this, what's so strange?
- Don't get angry!

If you want, come upstairs, if not
kiss goodbye...

...and don't look back.

- So, what do I do? - I don't know.
- I forgive you once more.

- But don't get angry. I forgive you.
- Come on then, upstairs!

I forgive you!

- But don't get angry!
- Watch out for the Hortensias!

I'm coming!

Mary, mother of God!
It's like being on television!

Do you like it, dear? It was furnished
by a client, Baraldi, the architect.

There's even a rug!

That's Spitz. He won seven gold medals
in Monaco. He looks like you.

Do you want to sleep in the bed with me
or on the sofa...

- I've never gone to bed with a woman.
Never?

I've made love over the years,
but always standing up.

If it won't bother you,
I'd prefer to cuddle up to you.

No, it won't disturb me...

Despite my job,
at nights... I'm always alone.

It's always beautiful to feel the breath
of a nearby companion,...

...someone who...
squeezes your hand...

I shall withdraw for a moment.

Make yourself at home, maybe
even give yourself a little wash.

"Love... "

"I want it to be love,
love, the real kind... "

"I want it to be... "

She is a fascinating woman,
with such an amazing apartment...

What a shame she has
a thing for that bisexual...

I'll tell her loud and clear:
I'm the man here!

From tomorrow you must suspend
your illicit profession...

...otherwise I won't
squeeze your hand tonight.

She's getting ready for bedtime...

A bearded lady is always a pleasure.

She pees like a man...

Mary, mother of God, she's a man!

Oh my God, that's disgusting!
I'm getting out of here!

Going to bed with a man?

Standing up or with a sheep is fine,
but it has to be female!

- Nino, where are you going?
- It's the end of the affair. I'm off.

- But, why?
- I discovered your secret identity, Gilda!

- You're a man!
- Man or woman... is it important, really?

Yes, it's important!
Prostitute and married is fine!

As long as you're of the feminine species!

- You're still worried about little details?
- They're not details!

I'm telling you this, from man to man,
God forgives, I don't.

Bourgeois! Conformist!

- Fascist!
- Homo!

The truth is, I had already
developed feelings for her!

I was already thinking of our future.

Then I discovered the betrayal.

I read that in Sweden two men got married.

A couple must be formed
of a male and a female.

If it's between two males, it's not
a couple, just filth.

She was so beautiful, you know!
With just one tiny defect!

And, speaking frankly
is wasn't that small, either.

Thanks, dear! Don't cheat on me
or I'll hit you!

I'll keep him sweet, 30,000!

- At home or in the car? - Car.
- Shit! - You bitch! show!

- What a lovely blush, where'd you get it?
- Montenapoleone.

" I don't know you... "

Nino?

Gilda...

Gilda, I... cannot remain apart from you.

Nor I from you!

- Gilda...
- Nino...

Can a man choose a male
for his legitimate companion?

Certainly he can.
He only has to want to.

- Gilda! I want to.
- Really?

Nino... Nino...

I'm coming! What manners!
I was talking with my fiancée.

- Not tonight, mister.
I'm indisposed.

I made it weak, or you won't sleep.
You're always hungry.

- What a mess! How many sugars?
- Three.

- Do you like it bitter? None for me,
I've got 3 kilos to lose.

Can you unlace me?

- What a beautiful outfit. - We'll have
a small liqueur and then off to bed.

- Did you eat well?
- Well enough. Is he a relative?

No, it's Marlon!
I go crazy for Brando.

- Allow me.
- Sweetie...

You bet I'm against it!
Why do I have to join the Union?

- To defend your interests!
- Defend you're own, you homo!

We don't go in for wanking off
people in the cinema!

- We're not pedophiles or homosexuals,
we're women!

- We're ladies!
- Then why are you called Giuseppe?

- Oh, fuck off! - We've got
nothing to do with your 'problem'!

We could be part of the
women's liberation front!

- We're not ashamed. Who are you?
- Valeria. - Monica.

I'm Gilda. Today, like any other
I'm Miss Gilda!

- Your wife's looking for you.
- Oh Christ, there she is.

You know I don't like it when you come
to my work place. What is it?

- Luigino is ill. He's got a fever.
- It's not serious?

- I've got to buy medicine.
- OK, I understand.

I don't fall behind, you know?

- You could get your hair done, though.
- With all I have to do?.

You always were... Later!
You always were so dowdy!

.. oh it's only Borghetti...
I'll bring you one of my left-over dresses.

Something simple, maybe.
Take it, go on. Bye.

- Bye. Say hello to Luigino.
- Thanks.

Walk upright!

- I brought you a cappuccino.
- Thanks. You're always so kind.

- Isn't that Antonietta?
- Why do you know her?

- Sort of. Do you know her?
- She's my wife.

One of my brothers
is married to her also.

Gilda... you're name isn't Cosimo,
by any chance?

Yes, Cosimo Berraldi from Carbonara...

- But then, you...
- You're Saturnino?!

- Saturnino, that's me!
- You're my brother!

- What kind of shit pile am I caught up in?
- Mary, mother of God!

- Saturnino, but... - Why didn't you
identify me on the first day?

And why didn't you recognize me, maybe?

When I left home, you were 10!

And now...
you've changed a lot!

And you haven't?
You're more changed than me!

- Queer!
- Oh yes? And you?

- .. what a shame...
- What shame?

I thought...
instead of being a man, you were a woman...

.. instead of being a whore,
you were respectably employed...

.. instead of being married
you were unattached,...

- And if instead of being my brother,
you were a female cousin...

We could have celebrated our ecstasy
and been happy.

Nino...
it was destiny brought us together...

.. and destiny that separates us.

That's life.

7:58,212
Bye, Nino.

The Guest

We're here, finally!

It took a while, but it was worth it!
Feel the air!

- Breathe in!
- On balance, it's good.

It's a nice little place! One hectare.
The house was 150 million lira.

Come on! For my wife, it's a celebration
when I invite someone for dinner.

She's always at home,
she never sees anyone!

- She's a simple woman... Hi, Peppino
- Good evening, sir.

- How are the Gardenias?
- I'll bring them into the greenhouse.

The house is Bunker-style!
Designed by a pupil of Corbusier's!

Tiziana!... Guess how much we pay
the gardener? 120,000 lira a month!

On top of that, lodging, food,
lights, heating, all for free!

- Who's better off than him? Tell me?
- No one!

This is my humble abode.

Like the proverb: "Show me where
you live, I'll tell you who you are".

This is my lady. They're both beautiful, no?
Hi, Tizzy.

- Dr Bianchi.
- Charmed.

He's the head of Social Statistics
at the headquarters in Padova.

The say that statistics are the least exact
of the exact sciences!

- Exactly!
- Please, sit where you like.

Earlier you were telling me that
of a 100 people invited to dinner...

.. 55 refuse with an excuse, 30 accept,
because they don't know how to refuse...

.. 10 accept
but then regret it bitterly.

- Plexiglas lighter!
- It's simple, just twist.

You know, architects also design
lighters, glasses, pens.

Only 5% of dinner invitations
are fully satisfying.

- I hope that you will be one of the 5%.
- I'm sorry to disturb you.

It's not a bother. It'll be an impromptu
dinner, but we'll give it our best.

Rosaria, one place more for dinner.

She makes a fortune with us,
but she's always got a long face!

She gets 150,000 lira a month,
she must weigh only about 38 kilos.

That's more than 4000 lira per kilo,
like veal!

- Even Parmesan's gone up in price.
- Christ, who's better off than these domestics?

- Maybe gardeners. - They're practically
beggars, but they've got such airs!

Tiziana wants a child. But we can't afford
one, unless we get rid of the domestic.

But the doctor isn't interested in this.
Go on, make an aperitif.

Straight away. If you want
to call the hotel, be my guest.

- There's no rush. - The telephone
is in my bedroom, I'll show you.

Maybe it's best. If someone calls for me,
they'll know I'm here.

Tiziana, get changed!
You're not going to eat like that!

Hotel Duomo? No. Oh, The Supponevo?
Excuse me, my mistake.

I'm trying to reach the Hotel Duomo.
Ah, you're the Hotel Duomo?

I'm looking for Dr Bianchi.
Yes, I'll hold.

Oh, what an idiot, I am.
It's me, Dr Bianchi, calling.

I've been invited out for dinner.
Without a bra.

If someone calls, can you forward them?
I'll give you the number.

36, 44, 25... 26.

Thanks. I'll hold.

Ah, yes...

I've alerted them.

This aperitif requires a lengthy
preparation, but it's worth it.

It seems easy to make,
but it's a very precise thing.

It's my invention,
I call it "the bulldozer".

- 3/8 Martini, 4/8 vodka
and 1/8...

- Watch out! - It's not important.
- 1/8 rhubarb.

It's nothing, it's already dry!

- ... two grains of black pepper...
- Excuse me, Madam... please...

- Let me do it, otherwise it'll stain.
- It's not important.

What are you doing? Let me do it...
Also, because... excuse me, but...

Ah, it's a bit of a delicate area.

Don't worry about it.

Excuse me, but...

- Your very kind, thank you.
- Cheers! - Cheers!

- What are you doing, Tiziana?
- Nothing, I was just cleaning it.

Taste it. Tell me what you think.
Be honest. It's good, right?

- What's this?
- Basil.

- Good? - Good...
- Bulldozer!

This is my kingdom.
Here I command everything with my hands.

I don't rely on anybody.
They'd dry out the lot, in a couple of days.

Once I came back from Paris a day early,
worried about my roses.

I care more about the flowers than my wife,
.. so to speak.

Did you know that flowers
can sense music?

I pipe through two hours a day,
one in the morning, one in the evening!

What a beautiful peach.
Help me get it.

- .. tulips love jazz...
- Help me get it. - Shall I lift you?

.. it's got to be delicate, diffuse music.
No brass...

- Did you get it? - Yes!
- Are you listening?

- Yes, I heard, flowers like music.
- I got it!

- .. except dahlias...
- Bite!

- Dinner is ready.
- We're coming, Rosaria. It's ready!

- Perhaps the doctor wants to wash
his hands. - It's not important.

- I'll take you. - There's a heavenly
risotto on the table...!

I enjoy myself at dinner
more than I do in the bedroom.

- Here's a clean hand towel.
- Thank you.

- If you want to take off your jacket...
- No, I'm fine.

- I'll take advantage of the moment.
- Of course.

- Tiziana.
- She's not here.

- Yes, here I am.
- Yes, Tiziana's in here.

It's your husband...

What an idiot.
I was taking the soap with me.

You know your wife was here, inside?

- Bravo, Dr Bianchi
- Well... thanks.

You know, my typist...

.. I repeat, my typist, a good girl,
from a good family,...

.. makes, including extras,
180,000 lira a month...

.. for banging on a machine 8 hours a day,
which isn't a lot?

These days in Italy
those who are better off...

.. are those who were dying of hunger
at one time.

The working class are the richest!

It seems like a paradox,
but that's how it is!

At one time the kingdom of heaven
was reserved for the poor.

Now they don't do so badly
here on earth!

The roast beef is really good,
I'll take another piece. Screw Cholesterol!

- Here, this one. The wine's good, right?
- Excellent!

To your health, Madam!

Ours is an exquisitely economic problem...

.. you can't do anything
without a healthy economy.

I'm grabbing another piece!

Know what the chief industrialist
in Lombardy told me?

"Don't get me started!"

If someone like him is speaking like that,
we've really hit the bottom!

What a wonderful odor you have,
Madam Tiziana.

- Listen, Madam...
- Tell me.

- Earlier, at dinner...
- "Earlier, at dinner...?"

Yes, when...
When you were playing footsie...

- When I was playing footsie...?
- Nothing, I thought...

- And if he realized?
- Who? - Your husband.

- Realized what?
- I had the impression that...

- Perhaps I was mistaken.
- Certainly you're mistaken!

- He's sleeping.
- It happens often, after dinner.

- Won't he wake up? - No, but
don't think about taking advantage.

- In what sense? - Perhaps you're
thinking of seducing the wife.

- Ssh, speak quieter...
- Tell the truth, you've thought about it.

- No, I swear it.
- Don't swear, I can read it in your face.

- If you move closer, I'll scream!
- I was just changing position.

- But you want to.
- Yes... but in a respectful way...

- He's still sleeping.
- We've already said that.

- Would you have the courage, here,
in front of him? - I don't think so.

- If he wasn't here, would you dare?
- I would, but he is! - Then dare!

Don't provoke me,
it could be dangerous.

- Danger excites me!
- Excitement inhibits me!

Inhibitions excite me!

Where's Dr Bianchi gone?
What are you doing? Have you lost something?

No, no... I was looking for...
Where is it...?

- No it's nothing.
- Don't sit, it's late, time to sleep.

- No, I promise you, I'm...
- I'm saying it for you.

- No, I'll stay!... Maybe another drink.
- No. No. No.

Rosaria, accompany him to his car.
Let's go, I've got a lot on tomorrow.

- If you insist, I'll stay!
- No, go back to your hotel.

- I could leave a little later.
- Out!

- But her hands were all over me...
- LEAVE! - I'm going, I'm going... so rude!

That degenerate will never
enter my house again!

Come here, you, now...

Well done! You were magnificent!

- What a fantastic idea.
- Yes, my love.

We'll do all the positions!
Even number 12, which you love so much!

Come here, whore, slut!
I'll strip you naked!

He's a raging lunatic!

Why do the dinner guests
always molest me?

Whatever happened to courtship
and good manners?!

Madam, it's Eight O'clock.

Two Hearts and a Shack

It's Never Too Late

The Honeymoon

Come Back My Darling

Italian Workers Abroad

The Vendetta

A Difficult Love

The Guest