Housewife Alien vs. Gay Zombie (2017) - full transcript

Ken and Rob just moved into an old house with a dark past - the old owner turned into a zombie. Rob ignores the warning and read from a mysterious book that summons a demon from the forest. Ken is tormented by the demon and gradually turned into a zombie. At the same time lonely spinster Catherine is given a chance to resurrect her dead sister Ruth - unaware of Ruth's transformation into a murderous alien. Soon both Ken and Ruth are going on a rampage. Detective Sheridan has been waiting for a crime hard to solve ever since superhero Zebraman has been keeping the city safe. Sheridan is thrilled to have the city in chaos and crimes to solve. She brings her sidekick Detective Reeves with her - not knowing his alias is actually Zebraman. - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food
(light perky music)

(stick thudding)
(Ken gasps)

(bottle popping)

(bird squawks)

(Ken groaning)

(popcorn crunching)

(sausage chewing)

(upbeat music)

- Honey, you need to help me out.

There's so much junk left
from the previous owners.

- I'm busy.

- I'm still not sure it was a good idea

moving to this house.

I've heard some stories.

- What kind of stories?

- They say the last owner got
possessed by an evil spirit

and turn into a zombie.

- Come on, that's just an urban legend.

It's like Big Foot or
straight fashion designers.

- Oh, I don't know.

- There's nothing to be worried about.

- If you say so.

(eerie music)

What's this?

- You found something?

- Yeah, it's an old book.

(speaking foreign language)

What does that mean?

- Who can say.

- It seems to be filled

with some kind of spells

and rituals or something.

- I wonder what happens if you read them.

- I don't think it's a good idea.

- Ugh, don't be such a bag of dicks.

(speaking foreign language)

(baby crying)

(dog barking)

Told you so.


(suspenseful music)

(demon speaking in foreign language)

(ominous music)

- The storage hasn't been
used for over a year.

The owners died and
their relatives haven't

showed up to claim their belongings.

Some things with address
notes are to be sent away.

The rest you can throw in the trash.

- Is this the same basement where all

those murders took place?

- What murders?

- You know, like three
years ago this mad scientist

went on a rampage
killing all those people,

cutting off their body parts
for his wife's severed head.

- I don't know what you're talking about.

Now clean this up.

I'll be in my office.

- Fucking shitty job man.

(ominous music)

(heart beating)

(zombie groaning)

What the fuck.

(bones cracking)
(ominous music)

(man screaming)

(birds chirping)
(slow paced music)

- Oh Ruth!

My dear sister.

Why did you have to depart!

I miss you

so much!

If ever there was a way to bring you back.

(doorbell ringing)

(bottle thudding)

Oh dear!

(light music)

(doorbell ringing)
(bottle shattering)

(ominous music)


(monster growling)

What in Lords name is this?

(ominous music)


it has my name on it.

- Hello!

(Catherine screaming)

Calm down, calm down!

- What are you?

- I'm Barboura!

- But you're a head!

- I am fully aware of my situation.

And yours?

- Mine?

- We're both missing something.

I'm missing a body,

and you're missing a sister, right?

- Yes.
(solemn music)

My sister Ruth.

I do miss her.

She's dead you see.

- I know.

But she doesn't have to be,

with help from my late husband,

the brilliant Dr. Morris.

We can bring her back to life you see.

- My dear Ruth?
(ominous music)


- But there is a price.

- Oh?

- Yes!

I want a body!

And you must help me!

- But how!

- I will show you.

(Dr. Morris clears throat)

- Hello!

- It's a video!

- I see.

- If you're watching this,

it probably means that I'm dead.

But do not grieve my dear.

During my afterlife
experiments I found a secret

to life after death.

(Dr. Morris laughing)

There is this voodoo
flower seed from Iceland,

which has the special power to recombine

human DNA cells and restore them

to their original form.

All you have to do is find the

undisturbed place in the forest.

And plant the seeds together with ashes

from the deceased.

Make sure it gets water, lots of water.

And after only one night,

it shall grow.

(Catherine gasps)

- You're doomed!

(Catherine gasping)

(phone ringing)


Oh, good afternoon to you sir.

- Give it up Callahan!

Surrender and I won't
shoot you in the nuts!

- Never!

(gun firing)

- Hello, I'm Robert
Cornthwaite reporting live

from a shootout between
Detective Margaret Sheridan

and infamous criminal Doyle Callahan.

Police, hostage, guns,

crime, people, trees,

cars, the mood is intense and so am I.

- Okay, I called for backup.

They're on their way.

- Backup?

Aw, screw that!

I'm taking down Callahan myself!

- I think we should wait.

- Wait?

I say we shoot the fucker!

- But you can hit the hostage!

- That's a risk I'm willing to take.

- I'll kill the hostage!

I'll shoot him in the head!

- Go ahead, you're bluffing.

- No!

Don't do anything stupid Callahan!

Okay, wait here.

- Wait?


All right.

(guns firing)

- Oh, will the terror never end?

- Look everyone!

It's Zebraman!

- Ah ha!

- Ugh, Zebra Man.

- Let go of the hostage Callahan!

(crowd cheering)

- Ha!

You think you can stop me Zebraman?

Your stripes don't threaten me.

(hip music)
(gun firing)

- My hero!

How can I ever thank you?

- Just by being happy.
(sirens blaring)

- I'll take it from here.

You're under arrest dirt bag!

You have the right to shut the fuck up!

- Well, that means my work here is done.

(crowd cheering)

- [Crowd] Zebraman, we love you!

- I love you too!

(crowd cheering)

- Get your black and white
horse ass out of here!

- What's going on here?

- Where have you been?

You ruined everything.

Zebraman just caught Callahan.

- But, that's a good thing.

Isn't it?

- You don't get it.

You just don't get it!

(tense music)

- Hello, I'm Robert
Cornthwaite reporting live

from a toilet where I'm taking a shit.

Earlier today, infamous
criminal Doyle Callahan

was captured by mysterious
superhero Zebraman.

There was gunfire and hostage,

but yet again, Zebraman saved the day.

The town has never been safer.

We talked to an 80s haircut
about the situation.

- [80s haircut] I love
Zebraman, he's amazing!

(rock music)

- Any comments?

- No!

Shut up!

(people chatting)
(phones ringing)

- I heard about Callahan.

- So close!

Do you know what's gonna happen to him?

- They're giving him the chair.

- Here you go.

- Thanks.

- Oh fuck.

Sorry I'm late boss.

(Chief grunting)

- We were just discussing Zebraman.

- Ugh, that dork.

- Well, thanks to him,
crime rates have gone

down, down, down, 95%.

- Amateur.

(Chief grunting)

Well yeah, you're right Chief.

With no crime on the streets

there is nothing for us to do!

We need a really hard crime

that not even Zebraman can handle.

We need a super crime.

- But isn't not having a
super crime a good thing?

(Chief grunting)

(ominous music)

- [Demon] Ken.


- [Rob] I wonder what
happens if you read it.

- I don't know.

There's nothing to be worried about.

And that owner can
possess that evil spirit.

- [Rob] Don't be such a bag of dicks.

- [Ken] Turn into a zombie!

- [Rob] That's just an urban legend.

It's like Big Foot just...

(Ken breathing heavy)

- Rob, I had such a nightmare!

- Just write about it in your journal.

(Ken sobbing)

- [Demon] Ken.


(water running)

- So, what do we do now?

- Now,

we wait.

What time is it?

- 10:58!

- Oh, so still early.

(ground rumbling)


It's happening!

- Oh my God!

- God is not present!

- I'm back!

- Ruth, is that you?

- Yes my dear sister, it's me.

- Ruth!

I missed you!

- Yes.

But we're not finished!

Now, we have to find

a body!

- But, that means, murder?

- I can't stay like this.

How am I supposed to
go shopping for shoes,

or even wear them?

I'm a housewife for Pete's sake.

- Oh, but, murder?

I don't even jaywalk!

- Think about it!

You and Ruth

together again, baking cookies.

- Well, there is this new recipe

that I've been dying to try.

And you've always been much
better at frosting than me.

- I know.

- Okay!

But we need to find someone really immoral

and disgraceful.

Like someone who doesn't vote or recycle.

- Yes, yes.

We'll find someone!

(Ruth Plant laughing)

- Yes!

- [Barboura] Hurry up and find someone!

(head laughing)

(ominous music)

(Judy screams)

- Why you scared me!

- You're doomed.

- Excuse me?

- Doomed I say.

- You want some money?

- Doomed!

Bless your soul!

But you're still doomed!

(ominous music)

(doorbell ringing)

- Oh, that's nice.

(ominous music)

(heart beating)

(Judy screaming)

- Hey there, do you mind if I fertilize?

- Oh, my!
- Ooh!

- [Judy] What's happening?

- Oh yeah!
- What is this?

- Stop!
- You've been a naughty

- [Ruth Plant] Naughty girl, haven't you?

- Don't stop!
(slow paced music)

- Oh you filthy, filthy little girl.

- Oh, don't stop!

- [Ruth Plant] Ooh!
(Judy moaning)

Oh my!


I need to punish you

all day long!

Oh my!

(Judy sighs)

- Call me!

(Judy gasps)

Oh, just a dream.

(eerie music)

- Good morning honey.
(light upbeat music)

- Is there coffee?

- Of course sweetie.

You look so nice today.

Your eyes are so pretty, I could eat them.

- Okay, weird.

- I made breakfast.

- I'm not hungry.

- But I fried eggs and
ovaries, your favorite!

- Don't you mean fried eggs over easy?

- Oh, that makes more sense.

- I'm late for work anyway.

- Honey, why don't you
take the morning off?

We could cuddle and watch
pictures of fluffy animals.

- Damn it!
(clippers buzzing)

I have a job to do and it's important!

- More important than me?

- I have to go.

- What about a morning kiss?

- There's no time.

(Ken sobbing)
(slow paced music)

- [Zombie] Kill.


Kill, kill, kill, kill,
kill, kill, kill, kill, kill,

Kill, kill, kill, kill,
kill, kill, kill, kill, kill!

- Hello, I'm Robert Cornthwaite,
(man in mask grunting)

reporting live from a bed

where a couple is having intercourse.

Last night a young woman was attacked

by an unknown stranger in her home.

- It's hard to describe.

It had a face,

but it was kind of a plant.

- Plant?

(camera shuttering)

- Find something?

- I'm not sure, but I
think this could be a clue.

- There are no clues here.

I think we're dealing with a super crime.

- This is a sketch of the suspect.

- Got you now jerk face!

Fax this to headquarters!

We need to put this on
lamp posts all over town!

I'm bringing this fucker down!

But, what,

what happened to Reeves?

(triumphant music)

- What's going on here?

- Zebraman!

- I see a crime has been committed.

- Yes, but there are no clues.

- Exactly, so we don't need you here.

- Oh?

What's this?

- Slime?

Big whoop.

- This isn't just slime,

this is DNA.

Alien DNA.

- My God, this is such a breakthrough!

- Is it?

Is it really?

- Yes.

- Hello, I'm standing here
with an ordinary woman,

Judy Geeson, who was
attacked by a mysterious

stranger in her home last night.

Tell us about this terrifying experience!

(Judy vomiting)

(siren blaring)

- Well, the results are back

and yes, I do have mental
illness in my family.

- What about my sickness?

- Right, you're pregnant.

- Pregnant?

That's not possible.

- That's what they said before
they invented the doorknobs.

- I mean, how can I be pregnant

without sexual intercourse?

- Diet?

Eat a lot of fiber?

- That doesn't make any sense!

- In the world, what do make sense?

- A lot of things.

- Touché!

- Are you even a real doctor?

- Define real?

- Not fake.

- Define doctor.

- Someone with a medical degree.

- Then no.

But I will prescribe you this recipe.

- Is it some kind of medicine?

- No, it's my very own apple pie recipe.

I make it everyday.

- Do you work here as a chef?

(blonde laughing)

- I don't work here at all!

(doorbell ringing)

(slow sexy music)

- Well hello.

- I'm the handyman.

- You do look handy, that's for sure.

- Well, someone called about some pipes

that need to be plugged.

- Yeah, I have a pipe that
needs to be taken care of.

Can you handle it?

- Oh, I can handle anything with my tool.

- I'm sure.

- Just show me where to plunge it.


Looks like your pipe
needs to be taken care of.

- Yeah, it's been a while.

Can you fix it somehow?

- Sure.

Nothing wrong with it.

- Ooh.

- It's big,

(Rob moaning)


and steady.

I just need to jack it a little bit.

Oh no, I got all wet!

(Rob moaning)

- Wow, is that a wrench in your pants

or are you just happy to see me?

- Actually,

it's a wrench.

- Too bad.

Do you like parties?

- Yeah, why?

- There's one in my pants.

- Am I invited?

- You're definitely on the guest list.


- Sounds good.

(both men moaning)

Yeah, who's your Daddy?

Who's your Daddy?

- My Daddy?

His name was Lord Arthur Cornthwaite.

(ominous music)

(men moaning)

- Honey, I'm home!

(solemn music)
(Rob grunting)

- Oh yeah.

(Ken crying)

- No!

- [Demon] Ken.

- What?

- [Demon] Ken.

- Oh no.

Oh no.

- [Demon] Ken.

Kill, kill, kill, kill,
kill, kill, kill, kill, kill

Kill, kill, kill, kill,
kill, kill, kill, kill, kill!

- Fuck yeah.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah, yeah.

(rock music)

- Are you coming?

Yeah, do it!

Wait, where are you going?



What are you doing?

Don't, what happened to you!

- Pretty eyes.

- No!

(Rob screaming)

- Gays!

(upbeat music)

- So you guys looking
forward to the party tonight?

- Yeah.

I'm gonna get so wasted.

- I'm gonna get stoned.

- I'm finally gonna tell
Brandon how I feel about him.

- Sure.

You've been saying that forever.

- Totally forever.

- I've just been waiting
for the right moment.

- What about now?

- Here he comes.

- Shh, shut up.

(girls giggling)

- Hey guys, I got us
some booze for tonight.

- Awesome, how'd you pull that off?

- I wore a tie and a fake mustache.

- Wow, you are so smart!

- I guess.

- Let's go guys.

♪ Take it down ♪

♪ I just need you ♪

♪ To know ♪

- So, you're still coming to
my place before the party?

- Sure.

I wanna look good for all
the guys I'm gonna fuck.

- You're such a whore.

- Total whore.

- You're ones to talk.

- Hey, we don't fuck around,

we only fuck each other.

- Totally.

- Oh no!
(ominous music)

It's Weirdo with the Beardo!

- He's so scary!

- And smelly.

- What do ya want, freak?

- Doomed.

You're all doomed.

- Beat it beardo!

You're being such a weirdo.

- Doomed.

- Let's go guys.

Ignore him.

- Doomed.

(girl imitates barking)

- Tereza,

I have something to tell you.

- Who is she?

- It's your mother.

(suspenseful music)

- You, you swine!


You get out of here!

(Judy grunting)

What is wrong with you?

Are you stupid?

(ominous music)

(Judy gasps)

- Oh, silly me, it's just the mannequin.

- [Woman On TV] Fernando, don't leave!

- I can't even look at you!

- Aye Papi, it's easy, just turn around!

- Don't touch me, you're disgusting!

- But you don't know what it's like!

My house burnt down,

my mother's got AIDS!

My brother's a crack addict!

- I don't care, you're a whore!

(speaking foreign language)

- But it's not who I am.

It's just my job.

(Judy screaming)

- Hello sweetie pie, missed me?

- Well what do you want?

- To be born!

(Judy crying)
(ominous music)

(Judy screaming)

- No!

- I'm back!

Oh my, what a mess!

I have some cleaning to do.

(light elevator music)

Oh yeah.

(slow sexy music)

(mouth slurping)

(ominous music)

(zombie growling)

- What's wrong with your face?

(suspenseful music)

- Hey guys, can I join?

(bicycle man screams)

Oh fuck!

(bones cracking)

- Need brains.

- What the hell happened?

I had everything.

Had the perfect job, had a house,

had a boat, car.

I got fired, I got evicted.

Everything's lost, I haven't got shit.

At least I have you my friend.

My life is ruined, it's fucking ruined!

What the...

What's this?

One million dollars?

My luck is finally changing!

(Judy laughing)


- Smoking in public domain.

That simply won't do!

(ominous music)

- You have to come inside.

It's a mess.

- What's the story?

- Two gays murdered during intercourse.

One of them has a
walking stick up his ass.

- Just another Monday.

Hey, get up!

Tell us what you know!

- He's dead.

He's one of the victims.

- What do we know?

- Well it seems like the two male victims

were having intercourse
when the killer arrived.

- Any sign of forced entry?

- Yes.

The husband of one of
the victims is missing

and the door was unlocked.

- What do the victims have in common?

- Gay.

- Ahh, gay victims.

- Do you think we have a
serial killer on our hands?

- I think we might have a
serial killer on our hands.

- I tested the DNA samples...

I tested the DNA samples we
found at the crime scene,

and it seems to be it's
not one of the victims.

- Then it must belong to the killer!

- Well, what did the tests say?

- Well, if my results are accurate,

the killer is gay.

- Gay?

A gay killing gay?

- It's not just gay DNA,

it's zombie DNA.

- Oh my God!

Gay zombies?

We have to do something!

The whole town is in danger!

- I think this could
be a case for Zebraman.

- No, no.

No fucking Zebraman.

We are gonna solve this crime ourselves.

Do you hear me!

No fucking Zebraman!

(solemn paced music)
(birds chirping)

- Papa!

- Come on people, come on!

Follow me!

One, two, three, four!

One, two, three, four!

- I can't take it anymore.

- Three, four!

Come on you fat asses!

- That man is the devil!

- Give me something!

Come on, follow me!

- Next stop, beach bodyville.

- Two, three, four.

- This sucks.

- What are you doing, lady?

Come on!

- I wish someone would just shut him up.

- That guy does not look all right.

- I think we should get out of here!

- Okay people, now we start running!

(everyone screaming)
(rock music)

Stay on the top til I say--

(zombie growling)

What the fuck?

Who the hell are you?

This is a sign up class only!

It's $5.

- Not gay!

- Awe, come on man!

Come on!

Do you call that a bite!

Stop damn it!

Stop touching my ass!

(zombie growling)

- Totally lame.

I'm babysitting these neighbor's brats

and they drag me along
to this gay marathon.

- It's called Gays with Legs--

- Shut up!

And stop biting your nails!

God damn it!

(tense music)

- I'm Belinda Blowme and I'm standing here

at the annual Gays with Legs marathon

where people across
the country are running

just because they can.

- Yeah, but I'm like stuck here

for the whole god damn day.

- Oh wow, we have even
more spontaneous runners.

It's a popular race this year folks!

And you know what they say.

Everybody's gay and running!

- Hey!

You need a number to participate!

(zombie growling)
(girl screaming)

- There seems to be some
sort of disturbance.

They're telling me a
maniac is running loose.

Wait, what's happening?

(instructor sniffing)

- Not gay.

(Belinda screaming)
(rock music)

- What the hell is going on?

- [Daughters] So awesome!

- We have to get out of here right now!

(babysitter screaming)

- [Both] Fuck you!

- I'm so happy right now.

My life is just perfect.

I just bought these adorable puppies,

and next month I'm getting married.

And for our honeymoon,
we're going to Spain!

Which was always a big dream.

And after summer, I'm going to Harvard!

I finally got in!

And you know what I just found out?

I'm pregnant!

- Wow.

- I know, I got so much to look--

(pregnant girl screaming)

- What's up dudes?

(ominous music)

- No, don't go there!

(rock music)
(skater boy screaming)

Well that should keep him busy.

(everyone screaming)

- Look!

- Oh hell no!

- Gays.

(light upbeat music)

- Hey guys, what's up?

- Well hello.

- Donna, come on.

Let's play.

- Can I join?

- Sure babe.

Nice catch.

- Nice ass.

- Thanks Pilgrim.

- Are you ready?

- Ugh, just throw it already.

♪ How could a grown man smile at you ♪

♪ But you were checking me out ♪

♪ Spend all your money to get me loose ♪

(ominous music)

- Oops.

- Hey, let's have it!

- Punish!

- Oh my God!

(Ruth laughing)

- Let's get out of here!

- Gay zombies!

- Let's get some lube.

- What?

- I mean help.

- No, we need protection.

- Got it.

- No, like a weapon, a stick or something.

- Still got it.

- Oh my God.

(man screaming)

(Donna screaming)

- Where is Ruth?

I want to see my sister.

- In time my dear.

But first,

I want my body!

- But how?


I'm not a murderer!

- Oh, but you are.

If not, Ruth wouldn't be alive again.

- Just tell me where she is

or I'll find her myself
and leave you here!

- Then I will tell everybody what you did.

- Who's gonna listen to a talking head?

Go get a job at the circus.

- I have proof!

- Oh you!

(both chuckling)

- Just give me a body

and I will reunite you with your sister.

- Fine!

I just need to think of a way how.

(tense music)

- [Reporter] Breaking news!

The annual Gays with Legs marathon

was interrupted today by an unknown maniac

who began slaughtering contestants.

The body count is unknown,

but the streets are still
filled with corpses.

Bodies just lying around.

Basically, a pile of bodies.

A lot of bodies.

(ominous music)
(zombie grunting)

- Yes!

Oui! Perfect!

You're angry, you're mad at the world.

Your lover is gone.

You have nothing left!

You're all alone!


- [Man With Beard] Beautiful!

- Makeup!

- [Photographer] What's next?

- Ocean theme.

- Ah, I love it!

- You're really making true art.

- Yes, yes!


Like a breeze!

A wind sweeping through the ocean,

gently touching the water below.


Isn't it fabulous!

- So fabulous it's insane!

- Now you dive into the ocean!

You're a small fish, guppy!

Oh you're so cute.

- So cute.

- You swim with the other fish

and playing, just playing.

Innocent like small children.

Now shark!

- Shark.

- Big, scary, everybody fears you!

Run, run away from the shark!

You're a biter!

Who's this?

Ooh, an old lover?

A hunter.

Friend or enemy?

Who can say?

- Did we order another model?

- I think that's the donut guy.

- Donuts? I don't eat carbs.

- I love it!

- Brains!

- Say what?

- Probably drugs.

- I don't think that's a model.

- I don't care.

He's le chick, le zombie chick.

Give me more passion!


I love it!

You're a beast!

- Brains!

- An animal!

You want me! Fuck the camera!

Make love to it!

Fuck it!

Fuck it!

(everyone screaming)
(rock music)

- Stop it!

(phone beeping)

- 9-1-1 what's your emergency?

- It's the zombie, it's killing everyone!

- Ma'am, do you need me to
send for some assistance?

- Send more brains.

- Girl, this is not crazy bitch hotline.


(rock music)

- Take her!

- No, no, take him, take him,
- Take her, take her!

- [Brunette] take him!

(brunette screaming)

- What time is it?

I have a spa appointment.

(woman screaming)

(zombie sniffing)

Who's your agent!

(slow rock music)

(upbeat music)

(zombie sniffing)

♪ Well give me an age ♪

♪ And here we go ♪

- Tonight is gonna be awesome.

- Yeah, I guess.

- What's wrong dude?

- It's just what that weirdo said

really freaked me out.

- That we're doomed?

Come on, he says that to everyone.

- Yeah, but,

he sounded really sincere.

And you know it's the
five year anniversary

since all those murders happened.

- What murders?

- The ones with the housewife

that got possessed by an alien

and went on a rampage.

- That is so stupid.

- Stories like that just freak me out!

- The housewife's gonna get you.

- Stop it.

- Oh she's gonna get you.

- Stop it!

- Oh she's gonna get you!

- Stop it!

- You made me spill my drink.

- You made me spill mine!


- You are!

(slow paced music)

(record scratching)

Wait, what time is it?

- It's one hour before the party.

- We need to pick--

- [Both] Outfits!

(upbeat music)

(Dylan sighs)

- Okay, I'm just gonna take out the trash.

I'll be right back.

- He loves me,

he loves me not.

He loves me--

(ominous music)

What's that Brandon?

You want me to close my eyes?

Well okay.

What's that Brandon?

Why do you want me to open my mouth?


(glass shattering)


Is that you?

(ominous music)

You forgot the door open!


Brandon, if you're in
here this is not funny!


(heart beating)

(Dylan screams)

(Brandon laughing)

Oh my God you idiot!

You scared me half to death!

- They're just plastic man.

- It's not cool!
- My God,

- [Brandon] You should've seen your face.

Oh come on.

(zombie growling)

Don't be such a little baby.

It was just a joke.

It was not that scary.

(Brandon gagging)

(tense music)

(zombie grunting)

- Oh.

A forest!

(tense music)

(zombie growling)
(Dylan screaming)

(heavy breathing)

(Dylan screaming)

You have to help me!

My friend was murdered!

- Of course, of course, I--

- Call the police!

- I'm gonna call the police!

I'm gonna call the police!

(phone ringing)

Wait just one second.

You know, really, I
don't have time for this.

I'm really sorry.


Fishing magazine?

I'm sorry, I'm really not interested.

You're right, I really should

make some time for it I suppose.

And then it's really expensive.

I never have the finances to do that.


Oh, but I thought this was for a magazine?

(tense music)

(door tapping)

- Open the door, open the door!

(zombie sniffing)

The zombie's coming, please!

Please open this door,
please open this door!

- Gay.

- Please open, please open!

Please open this door,
please open this door!

Please open this door.

- Gay.

- Please open the door,
he's coming, please.

(ominous music)

Open the door, open the door!

- [Woman In House] The door is open!

(fast paced music)

- Hi there sweetheart.

What's your name?

- It's Dylan!

- My name is Dee Dee Dee.

My mom had a stutter.

- Okay.

Well, where's Brenda and Kelly?

- Where do you think?

In the bedroom.

- Yeah baby.

- Eat my pussy.

- Like a hot fudge sundae.

(women moaning)

- Fuck yeah!

Oh yeah!


(blonde screaming)

Fuck me.

- [Brunette] Yeah, fuck me bitch!

- [Blonde] Fuck you bitch!

- Turn off the lights,
you're cramming our style!

- Brandon got killed by a gay zombie!

- What's that?

- It's a zombie and it's gay!

- Now I've heard everything.

- We need to call the police.

The phone line's dead!

- Just like Brandon.

- Okay Dylan, let's go get help.

- I wanna go too!

- Be a good girl and go back to bed.

- Oh man!

(upbeat music)

- Hey everyone, it's time
for some sing-a-long!

- It's Shaun Whiteguy Senior!

(everyone cheering)


Turn off the music and stop the party

so we can listen to
him play on the guitar!

- Really?

♪ All my friends are here ♪

♪ All my friends are here ♪

♪ And we're drinking beer ♪

♪ And we're drinking beer ♪

♪ And we're fucking queer ♪

♪ And we're fucking queer ♪

♪ All my friends are here ♪

♪ All my friends ♪

(phones ringing)
(Chief grunting)

- Chief.

We've got a problem!

There's a gay zombie on the loose.

- It's getting worse.

Some of the victims are
turning into zombies.

- Zombies?

Craziest thing I ever heard.

- Really?

This is the craziest thing I ever heard.

(gibberish singing)

(Chief grunting)

- Wow, you're right.

How are they connected?

- We need to find a pattern!

- Well, how 'bout this?

(Chief grunting)

You're right, let's take it to the lab!

(light upbeat music)
(film rolling)

(upbeat music)

♪ Drinking beer ♪

♪ Drinking beer ♪

♪ And we're really fucking queer ♪

♪ And we're really fucking queer ♪

♪ All my friends are here ♪

♪ All my friends are here ♪

♪ And we're drinking beer ♪

- Hey girl, what's up?

- What's going on here?

- Not much, just playing some tunes,

feeling the love.

- It looks like a party.

- Yeah it's a party.

You should join us mysterious stranger.

- I sense very, very bad behavior.

- No, no bad, it's all good.

- [Everyone] Yeah.

- Who are you?

- I'm Ruth, the housewife.

And who are you?

- I'm Shaun Whiteguy Senior.

- Yeah, and he rocks.

(crowd cheering)

- What is this?

(blonde sniffing)

Underage drinking?

Premarital sex?

Tax frauds?

You must be punished.

- Yo, calm down.

Just feel the love.

- [Everyone] Yeah.

- Oh yeah, housewife's gonna sing.

(rock music)
(everyone screaming)

(blonde screaming)

(Ruth laughing)

(girl on floor screaming)

(Ruth laughing)

(suspenseful music)

(rock music)
(girl screaming)

(Ruth laughing)

- [Female Worker] 9-1-1,
what's your emergency?

- 9-1-1, what's your emergency?

- I do have an emergency.

I have blood stains on my beautiful dress.

- So what, did you cut
yourself or something?

- No, no, no, I'm fine.

But my dress,

what will the girls say
at the cocktail party?

It will be scandalous!

- I don't have time for no

bloodstains on some dress, okay?

That's kind of irrelevant.
(popcorn crunching)

I just need you to stop wasting my time.

Okay, thanks.

- What?

I have never!

That's so rude!

- Your face is rude bitch!

- Well that's simply just bad behavior.

And bad behavior must be punished!

- Excuse me, hello?


Okay, whatever.

(rock music)
(Ruth laughing)

- [Ruth] Fill your mouth!

You little bitch!


(tense music)

(Ruth laughing)

(heart beating)

(suspenseful music)

(phone ringing)

- 9-1-1, what's your emergency?

- I need help.

I think I'm being stalked by someone.

- Okay, so what's your location?

- A garage.

I'm in a garage.

- Really?

A garage, me too!

- [Both Men] Damn it.

- Ooh!

I'm so excited!

Soon I will have a body again!

- Yes.

And I, I will see my dear sister.

- Can I see it?

- See what?

- The body!

- Let's make it a surprise.

- Oh.

- Now,

I will sedate you.

When you wake up,

you will have your body again.

(Catherine laughing)

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

(ominous music)

- [Ruth] It's time for your punishment.

- Slave master nights are Tuesdays.

I'm doing laundry tonight.

- [Ruth] I'm not a slave, I'm a housewife.

- Oh, you're that creepy phone caller

with blood stains right?

- [Ruth] And you're the phone operator

with very bad behavior.

- Ugh, whatever.

- [Ruth] You can't mix colors with whites.

- How did you know that?

(man gasps)

Oh, it's just a bathroom.


It's just a badminton game.

Listen, I don't have time for this.

What do you want?

- [Ruth] I want your blood

all over me.

- Well okay, that's just gross

and inappropriate.

You need therapy.

- [Ruth] And you need to be

(man gasps)

- I just went to the hair dresser!

I got a new manicure!

(man sobbing)


(Ruth laughing)

- The police station!

They should be able to help us!

- Yeah!

That's probably pretty accurate.

(phone ringing)

- All right, got your gun?

- Yes.

- Got your badge?

- Yup.

- Got your toothbrush?

- You gotta help us!

A gay zombie killed our friend.

- A gay zombie?

- Where was the last place you saw it?

- He chased me to a party,
but then I got away.

- What kind of party?

- Yeah, was it like a theme?

Was there a dress code?

What kind of music?

- Oh stop it.

- It's a gay party!

- With gay people.

- Doing gay things.

- Sounds kinda gay.

- Do you realize what this means?

- No.

- They're all in danger!

We gotta hurry.

- But not unarmed.


(ominous music)

- Cool!

- Should we really be giving guns

to teenagers?
- Yeah.

- [Sheridan] Here you go kids.

(upbeat music)

(Kelly humming)

(zombie coughing)

(Kelly grunting)

(Kelly screaming)

(rock music)

(zombie growling)

(knife slicing)

(slow paced music)

(rock music)

- I have a body!


I feel so nice with my new body!

- Yes, it fits perfectly.

You're gorgeous.

Now, where's Ruth?

I need to find her.

(machine beeping)

- There's a tracking device following

her every move.

Here, you can see her location.

- Ruth?

Ruth, there you are.

Wait, I shall come and find you!

(ominous music)

- Follow me, this way!


(ominous music)
(flies buzzing)

- Kelly!

- Kids.

- It's a massacre!

- Oh, they're corpses.

Oh well that sucks.

- This is terrible!

- Boo hoo, bring me a violin!

- We need to do something.

Could you give me a hand here?

- Oh sure.

I think we got off on the wrong foot.

- Kelly!

(Donna screaming)


- Thank God it's only a dream.

- No, it's not.

- Or is it?

- No!

- Calm down woman!

- She's dead!

What am I gonna do!

- I'll tell you what we're gonna do!

We're gonna nail this
gay motherfucking zombie!

- I don't know if I can!

I can't live without her!

- Sure you can.

Blonde chicks like that grow on trees!

You need a real woman.

(quirky music)
(women moaning)

- Are we gonna have an orgy?

- No!

Sheridan, focus!

- Right.

Let's kick some gay zombie ass.

- But how are we gonna find it?

- I say we use bait.

- [Dylan And Donna] Yeah!

- Oh!

Shouldn't we call for backup?

- All right you sissy, call the Chief.

No fucking Zebraman!

(Chief grunting)

- Connect me to the
President's office please.

- Yes.

One moment.

Miss President.

(upbeat music)

- More champagne!

(everyone cheering)

- Miss President.

Miss President.

- Yeah, what?

- It's the Chief of police on the phone.

- Tell him I'm busy,

with administration.

- Ma'am.

It's about a UFB.

(record scratching)
- Dear Lord!

- UFB, what is that?

- Unfucking Believable.

Talk to me.

(Chief grunting)

(ominous music)

A gay zombie?

- A gay zombie?

- A stray combie?

- Okay, thank you Chief.

Kep me posted.

If this zombie virus is spreading,

it could wipe out the entire population!

- What do we do Miss President?

- There's only one thing we can do.

Send out the Viking.

(everyone gasps)

- Miss President,

what about the consequences?

I think this is a mistake.

- The President doesn't make mistakes.

- This is such a big decision you guys.

This goes straight to the history books.

Take a snapshot.

- Oh Bellula, this is too much

for me to handle right now.

I was just getting my groove on.

- I love you Miss President,

but you only get 14
hours to save the Earth.

- You're right.

This is my responsibility.

And my destiny.

- Miss President.

- Make the call.

- Yeah.

Let's have gay sex here
in the parking lot.

- Perfect bait.

Now we just wait for our
gay zombie to appear.

- Get down on your knees.

- What?

- It's more believable.

- Okay.

I'm gonna put your gay
cock in my gay mouth now!

- Do it.

- What?


- Come on, just the tip.

- Stop it!

Mm, gay cock.
(zipper zipping)

- [Dylan] Suck it, suck it.

Suck it.

- What the hell man!

- Come on, it's almost in.

Just a little nibble.

- We're on a mission here.

- Guys, someone's coming.

Don't make any sudden moves!

I mean you can move, just not sudden.

(ominous music)

- Watch out!

(zombie growling)

- Smile you son of a bitch!

(Ruth screaming)

- Good girls don't play with guns!

They must be punished!

- You're alive!

- Too bad you will die!

(ominous music)

- What do I do?

- Shoot the zombie!

(gun firing)

- Dylan!
(solemn music)


(zombie growling)

Milking it?

(Ruth screaming)

- Gay!

- If only Zebraman was here!

- [Zebraman] Did someone say Zebraman?

- [Sheridan] Hooray!

(triumphant music)

(Ruth grunting)

(zombie growling)

- You're bleeding!

- I ain't got time to bleed.

Come on Zebraman, get him!

- Yeah!

- I can't!

He's too strong!

His gay powers are expanding!

- That's what he said.

(tense music)

They released the Viking.

- I'm here to chew bubblegum and kick ass.

And I'm all out of bubblegum.

(Viking growling)

- [Both Men] Yeah!

(light gentle music)

- Ruth!

- Catherine?

- Ruth, my dear sister.

This madness has to stop!

- But all this, all this bad behavior,

it must be punished!

- No.

You are not the sister I once knew.

You are not my dear Ruth!

- Punish!

- I'm sorry.

- Shoot that bitch!
- Hey guys!

- [Dylan] I'm still alive!

(gun firing)

Awe man.

(Catherine gasping)

- Here, you do it.

- No, let's do it together.

(gun firing)

(Ruth gasping)

(Sheridan grunting)

- Oh Ruth!


This is difficult for me to say,

how much wood would a woodchuck chuck

if a woodchuck would chuck wood.

My dear sister,

speak to me one last time.

Let me hear your last words!

(Ruth growling)

I will never forget you,

never forget you!

Speak to me your last words

so I will always and forever

remember your beautiful soul!

Whisper in my ears your last words.

Your last words!

Whisper in my ear.
(Ruth grunting)


(Catherine clears throat)

(rock music)

- You're under arrest asshole.

- Well done detective Sheridan.

- Where the hell have you been?

And where's Zebraman?

- It's me.

(dramatic music)

(Sheridan gasps)

- It was you all along!

- Yes it's true.

I am Zebraman.

- You're not a cop!
(tense music)

You're a hero!

(Catherine clapping)

(Donna cheering)

- Whatever happened to all those zombies?

(zombie hissing)
(ominous music)

- Mm, taking a bath!
(light music)

It's gonna be so nice!

(doorbell ringing)

I have visitors?

At this hour?

Who on earth could that be?

(doorbell ringing)

(door creaking)

(Barboura screaming)
(zombies growling)

(violin music)

(Barboura crying)


(upbeat music)
(people chattering)

- Thank you.

No comments.

No comments.

- Doomed I say.


- Get the fuck off!

(slow paced music)

- Miss President!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Girl, girl!

You've served our country well,

and we're all grateful.

That is why we salute you
with this medal of honor.

Unfortunately we only have one

because our budget's tight.

- Well, I think that belongs
to Detective Sheridan.

- I think we should share it.

- Oh.

You know what, you can have it.

This is just uncomfortable.

- Oh, well I'm glad that's over!

Let's party!

(crowd cheering)

- And tomorrow is a new day.

- And a new beginning.

(birds chirping)
(slow dramatic music)

(rock music)

- [Zombie] Kill.



Kill, kill, kill, kill,
kill, kill, kill, kill, kill,

Kill, kill, kill, kill,
kill, kill, kill, kill, kill!

♪ That will make you smile again ♪ ♪
When there's no more ♪ ♪ Room in hell ♪