House of 1000 Corpses (2003) - full transcript

Attention, boils and ghouls,

it's time for Dr. Wolfenstein's

"Creature Feature Show."

Ah-hhh.

The doctor is in.

Don't scream. Don't move.

Stay tuned for Channel 68's

Halloween Eve movie marathon.

I'm your host,
your ghost host

with the most,
Dr. Wolfenstein.

I will be with you



until the end.

Howdy folks.
Black Blood.

Violence.
Freaks of Nature.

Come on down to Captain Spaulding's

Museum of Monsters and Madmen.

See the Alligator Boy.

Ride my famous Murder Ride.

Most of all,
don't forget to take home

some of my tasty fried chicken.

It just tastes so damn good.

... with a meat cleaver.

See it, hear it,
and actually feel it.

Coming after you
to rip your flesh apart.

Unbelievable but true.



See it, hear it,
and actually feel it.

Shit, I can't do nothin' with this.
I can't get rid of this.

It ain't worth nothin',
my name's all over it.

I was fixing it to trade it
to Jackie Cobb.

That retard that hangs out
at Molly's Fruit Stand?

- Yeah.
- For the life of me

I cannot understand why
you hang out with that asshole.

He's one horny retard.

Well, ain't they all?
All they wanna do is eat and fuck.

If you knew him,
you might understand his urges.

Worse than a rabid-ass baboon.

You know what his favorite thing is
next to whacking his weasel?

He takes a sharpened pencil

and sticks it in his eyeball
and twists it.

- What?
- He doesn't hurt himself though,

he kind of twists it
right next to his eyeball.

He'd been putting that pencil
someplace other than his eyeball.

He don't do nothin' like that.
Although, once he got caught

with a "Planet of the Apes" doll
stuck up his asshole.

Goddamn.

They had to take him
to the hospital.

Kid had Dr. Zaius stuck
halfway up his butt.

Couldn't get it out.

- Did you fix the toilet?
- Yes, I did,

and I don't want you stuffing any
goddamn paper towels down there.

I had to snake
the shit out that thing.

Here you go.

You bust that crapper
and I'm gonna bust your ass.

I hear ya.

Mary, fucking Moses,
ya'll get the fuck outta here.

Hold it, clowney.
Keep your paws where I can see them.

Don't move.
I'll blast a hole the size of

a Kansas City watermelon
through your ugly ass, Bozo face.

What the fuck is that
supposed to mean?

Go grab that other asshole
out of the shitter

- and drag his ass back in here.
- Right.

You miserable motherfu...
I ought to jump over this counter

and bash your fucking balls in.

All right, Tippy,
hand over the cash box

and I might leave
your brains inside your skull.

I'll tell you what, Ski King,

why don't you just take
your mama home some chicken

and then I won't have to stuff
my boot all up in ya ass!

I don't like chicken!

And I hate clowns!

Put that shit down.
Put it down!

That is it!

I'm gonna count to 10 and you're
gonna hand over all the cash,

or I'm gonna splatter
your grease-paint mug

across the state line.

- One...
- Fuck yo mama.

- Two...
- Fuck yo sister.

What are we gonna do?

I know you, you work
at the hardware store, right?

- Richard Wick, right?
- Shut your trap.

Quiet down, both of you!

- Three...
- Fuck yo grandma.

I remember now.
All the guys made fun of you.

- Called you Little Dick Wick.
- Shut up!

Stop singing,
I hate that song.

Put your fucking mask back on.

Fuck it!

Most of all,
fuck you!

Goddamn motherfucker got
blood all over my best clown suit.

How many want
to touch this afternoon?

Raise your hand if you want
God to touch you.

I'm gonna pray that God
will give you a divine touch...

...the US Department of Agriculture

is checking whether
state meat and poultry inspectors

are good enough to allow the
product to go on sale nationally.

The USDA has said...

Man, some of these
Manson chicks are really hot.

Shit, how are we
almost out of gas?

And this squeaky, right here,
now that's a girl you would date.

- Jerry, how much did you put in?
- I don't know? Two, three bucks.

Two, three bucks?
I told you to fill...

- Bill, feel me, am I made of money?
- Get off. Jesus Christ, Jerry.

Don't panic yourself there
way too much, caffeine guy.

I wouldn't be drinking
so much coffee

if you did your share
of the driving.

- You know I don't have nightvision.
- Oh, not this again.

Seriously, I can't even make out
the lines in the road.

If you wanna pull the car over,
I'll be more than happy

to kill us out
in the middle of nowhere.

Besides, there's a billboard
right there.

Captain Spaulding's Museum
of Monsters and Madmen.

Awesome, great!
Fried chicken and gasoline.

Next exit, there you go,
problem solved

and we didn't have to freak out.
It was a real big deal.

Dick.

All right.

I'll pump the gas. Go inside
and see if it's worth checking out.

Okay, Mr. Cranky.

Holy... crap!

You gotta see this place.
It's boss.

- How boss?
- Really fucking boss.

Like, wake up the chicks
and break out the camera boss?

Hell, yeah.

Wakey, wakey!
Eggs and bacon.

Hey, sweetie, come on.

Grab Mary and get your stuff
and come on inside.

Bill and I found a kick-ass place.
Come on, move, move!

Let's go.

Come on, Sleeping Beauty,
it's time to go to work.

What's in that case over there?

Hairless monkey.

Did you see the crocodile boy?

How'd you like to find
that in your pants?

- Excuse me, sir? Howdy.
- Hi.

I love this place. How long have
you been running this place?

Well, uhm...
How long's a piece of string?

I don't know.

Too goddamn long,
that's how long.

Too goddamn long,
that's right.

Right, I hear that,
but how long, actually?

Oh, shit, I don't know exactly.

I took over for my pa,
right after the Duke damned Oscar.

- Oh, you mean John Wayne.
- Hell, son.

How many dukes do you know about?

- Greatest American ever lived.
- Look at that.

"Circle up the wagons, pilgrims."

"Whatever you say, cowboy."

I'm not that much of a Western fan.

I like science-fiction.

Ah-hhh. Space boy.

I figured as much.

Let me ask you something.

How come you're asking
so many jackassy questions?

My friends and I,
we're driving across country

writing this book on off-beat
roadside attractions,

the crazy shit you see when
you're driving across the country.

I don't drive cross country.

But if you did.

But I don't.

Yeah, but supposing
for a second that you did.

You little dickens, you.

I know what your problem is.

What's that?

Ya'll think us folks from the
country's funny-like, don't you?

- Jerry...
- Well, saddle up the mule, ma.

Slide me some grits,
I's got to get me some education.

- Jerry...
- You asshole.

No, I'm really very interested,
I'm not trying to make fun.

Gotcha!

You are such a bad clown.

Oh, fuck me, Side Sally,

who the hell'd wanna read about
all this horseshit anyway?

You'd be surprised.

Son, look around.

Would I be surprised?

Finally. Great, great. Come on, we
paid for the tickets.

- Let's go, let's go, let's go.
- What tickets?

This isn't everything.
There is actually a murder ride.

A murder ride?
I don't want to go on a murder ride.

- Yes, you do wanna go on a...
- No, I don't.

Hey, how about
if we skip the murder ride?

Hey, how about if we go?

Anytime this year, people.
Tour is about to begin.

Okay, we'll see you inside
the murder ride, we'll be back. Bye.

Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls,

children of all ages,

you are about to enter
the world of darkness,

a world where life
and death are meaningless,

and pain is God.

- Pain!
- Billy, let's go.

- Quit that, sport.
- Sorry, Captain Spaulding.

We gonna have a good time now.

On your right, you will see

the infamous
Albert... Fish.

Masochist, sadist,

child killer and most importantly,

cannibal.

Mr. Fish, born 1870
and enjoyed spankings

with nail-studded paddles,

stuffing needles
deep into his groin.

- I have a question. How many...
- Hold all questions.

No, no, help.

Lizzie fucking Borden.

Now, one of our most famous crazies,

the psycho of Plainsfield,
Mr. Ed Gein.

Murderer, cannibal,

Mr. Gein used to take
great pleasure

of playing with
dead bodies of women,

especially, their sexual organs.

Now, one of our local heroes,

S. Quentin Quale,

aka Dr. Satan.

Oh shit!

Murderer, torturer,
but most of all, master surgeon.

Mr. Quail was an intern

at Willows County Mental Hospital,

nicknamed Weeping Willows

for the neverending cries of pain.

Through primitive brain surgery...

- Jerry, stop it.
- Mr. Quail believed

that he could create
a race of superhumans

from the mentally ill.

Vigilante justice prevailed.

They took his ass out and hung him.

And that infamous hanging tree

is no more than a stone's throw away

from where y'alls' ass
is now seated.

But the next day

his body was found
to be missing.

Until today

no trace of Dr. Satan

has ever been discovered.

But then, who knows?

Maybe he lives next door to you.

Tour's over.
Exit through the doors.

That was so bad-ass.

Dr. Satan. Ah-hhh,
Dr. Satan.

Maybe he lives next door to you.

Calm down, it was all right.

Do you think maybe we could go now?

I'm gonna go call my dad.
I'll be right back.

I love you.

What do you mean,
it was all right?

It was cool,
but it wasn't that great.

Dude, you don't have to play it
down in front of your chick.

- Oh.
- Thank you.

Don't move a muscle, an artery,

Or a vein.

- Hello?
- Hey, Dad.

- Wow, Denise.
- We stopped for gas

at this place
called Captain Spaulding's,

somewhere outside
of Ruggsville.

It turned into this whole big thing,
so we're behind schedule.

Don't be too late.

I forgot to tell you that Halloween
falls on a school night

so they're
trick-or-treating tonight.

Your left hand shows your past;

your right hand shows your future.

Good evening.
I'm Lance Brockwell

and this is the 7:00 news.
And our top story tonight,

investigators still have no leads
to the strange disappearance

of the five cheerleaders
from Ruggsville High School.

Cindy Thompson, Karen Murphy,

Allison Cole, Valarie Green,
and Dawn Baker

were last seen four days ago
leaving a football game.

I know it seems stupid,
but I really wanna see this tree.

Do yourself a favor, son,
just forget about it.

Oh, come on,
I live for this shit.

Okay, all right,
I'll draw you a damn map.

- Thank you.
- I still say it's a waste of time.

You are here.
Go straight up this road.

Make the first right.
First left.

Come straight across
and down.

Can't find it? Tough.

- Here's your map.
- Right on.

- Here's your complimentary chicken.
- Oh, wow.

Don't let the door hit you
in the ass on the way out.

You're gonna get
a great write-up for this.

Here's an idea, let's just skip it.
It's probably nothing anyway.

Christ, Jerry, Bill is right,
we can't see anything.

What's that?

Hitchhiker.

- What? Should we stop?
- We can't leave her in the rain.

Stick her in the front
if you wanna pick her up so bad.

So, uh,

- where ya headed?
- I was just going home.

- Home, where's that?
- A couple miles up the road.

- So, you live around here?
- Yeah.

Do you know where
this Dr. Satan tree's at?

Yeah. You know where that's at?
It's right by my house.

- I can show you.
- Really?

- So, it is a real thing.
- Fuck you.

So, a tree?
Where's it at?

- What tree?
Okay, this is crazy.

She obviously doesn't
know anything.

Oh, I know,
I'll show you where it's at.

Whatever you need to do, you do it.

There is no wrong.

If someone needs to be killed,
you kill 'em.

That's the way.

Fuck.

I think we blew a tire.

- Oh poop.
- Oh, hell.

At least we got that spare.

You filled it up
like I asked, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, what if I forgot
to put it back in the trunk?

What would plan B entail?

- Jesus Christ, Jerry.
- Technically I did what you said.

Oh for fucking sake, Jerry,
what're we gonna do now?

I can't rightly
say if I know, me ladies.

Wait, I love this song.

Would you turn
the radio off, please?!

God!

We can walk to my house from here.

What?

My brother's got a tow truck.
He can come get your car.

- I'll go, it's my fault.
- Forget it, I'm going.

- No, Bill, I...
- You guys stay here.

There's no sense in everyone
getting drenched.

Returning to the news,
local authorities still have no lead

in the mysterious disappearance
of the five cheerleaders

from Ruggsville.
The girls were last seen

leaving a cheering competition...

It was loud enough
to wake the dead.

That's an idea.
What is?

Wouldn't it be dramatic? Supposing
the people inside were dead,

all stretched out with the lights
quietly burning about them.

I'm sure it would be very amusing.

Why you ask?
Why is not the question.

How?

Now, that is a question
worth examining.

How could I,

being born of such

conventional stock,

arrive a leader of the rebellion?

An escapist from a conformist world,
destined to find happiness

only in that which
cannot be explained.

I brought you here for a reason.

But unfortunately,
you and your sentimental minds

are doing me no good.

My brain is frozen,

locked.

I have to break free

from this culture
of mechanical reproductions

and the thick incrustations

dying on the surface.

Oh, Christ.

Fuck it.

These are all my dolls.

I used to chop their heads off
and their arms

and stick them up on the wall.

The door's locked,
I gotta go around.

Just wait here.

Jesus Christ!
Don't do that.

You scared the shit out of me.

You ain't seen nothing yet.

- Is your brother ready to go?
- Yeah, he already left.

- Come on, inside.
- What? He left?

Come on and get toasty.

Don't worry about it, he's fine.

I just don't understand why...

What was that?

What? I didn't hear anything.

Turn the radio off.

Now listen.

I still don't hear anything.

I swear to God,
I heard some weird...

Turn on the headlights,
see if something's out there.

Calm down, calm down.

Jesus H. Christ.

It's the fucking tow truck guy.

So,

you live alone here?

I mean,
just you and your brother?

Nah, there's a bunch of us
around somewhere.

I think Otis is upstairs
messing around or something.

You gotta have the marshmallows.

That's what makes it fun.

Yeah, I guess.

You sure do a lot of guessing.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Wow.

Look at him.

He must've been going pretty fast
to smash through that wall.

You sure are silly
for a guy with glasses.

- I like that.
- Okay, hey.

Need those to see, thank you.

How do I look?

Terrific, really.

Tasty.

Ain't the only thing
tasty in this house.

Okay, okay.

I wonder what time...

- it's getting kind of late.
- Don't worry, sugar.

It ain't past my bedtime

Are you flirting with me?

What? Oh, no.

Great! They're back.

Whoppie-fucking-do.

Excuse me?

I gotta call my dad
and tell him we're gonna be late.

Can I use your phone, please?

Hello?

Ain't got one.

- Oh, hi.
- Goodness.

You really don't have a phone?

No.

I once had one back in '57,

but...

I don't quite remember.
There's nobody round here.

I feel like jaw-flapping at no more.

Do you think the guy with the tow
truck could drive us to a phone?

His name is Rufus,
Rufus Jr.

But we all call him

- RJ.
- Makes sense.

What do they call you, sweetie?

I am Qualsnarg of the Crab Nebula.

But you humans can call me Jerry.

Jerry.

Baby, go on and see how RJ's doin'
with these nice folks' automobile.

Why don't you just all make
yourselves to home?

What brings you kids way out here?

Haven't you got something better
to do on Halloween

than wander around
out in the sticks?

I thought maybe
we'd take in a hoedown.

No, he's just joking.

- You are?
- I'm sorry, I'm messing with you.

Shut up, dude.

Oh, I get it.

Y'all just think you're too good

for the simple pleasures
of Halloween.

No, just a little too old.

Oh really? I hope something
changes your mind

someday.

- Mama, Tiny's home.
- What about RJ?

He was gone before I seen him.

But Tiny saw him and said he said
he was going down to the yard

to get a new wheel.

How long is that gonna take?

Probably be back
in a couple of hours.

A couple of hours? What?

Can't Tiny drive us to a phone?

Tiny ain't got no car,

he ain't even got a bicycle.

Even though I know
that you think it is childish,

tonight is Halloween Eve,

and to us

it is special.

So you are all invited to dinner.

I hope to Christ she don't expect
us to wear these things.

What ever it is, just do it.

The more we play along the faster
we'll get the hell out of here.

Now is not the time to make waves.
Jerry.

You'll have to forgive Tiny.

He can't hear so much.

That poor baby.

It's his daddy's fault.

Earl wasn't a bad man,

he never hit me
or nothing like that.

One day he just up
and went devil on us all.

- What happened?
- He tried to burn down the house.

He said it was
possessed by the spirits.

And Tiny was sleeping in the
basement where the fire started.

But I don't think Earl
ever meant to harm us.

Tiny was badly burnt,
his ears were destroyed

and most of his skin.

- Is that why he wears the mask?
- Yeah.

My baby boy gets
shy around new people,

but he'll warm up to you,

especially the girls.

He's a real lady-killer.

You're gonna miss
a good show tonight.

That's your tough luck.

I thought you kids
were all about team spirit.

You ain't done fuck-all
to cheer me up since you got here.

Give me a B. Give me an A.

Give me a B. Give me a Y.

What's that spell?
What's that spell?!

What's that spell?!

Baby.

You're damn right.

Okay now.
Everybody put on your masks.

Can't very well eat our desserts
with our everyday faces exposed.

Can we?

Gosh, kid, put it on.

She ain't gonna let
any of us touch dessert

unless you're wearing
this damn thing.

Mrs. Firefly?

Do you know anything
about the legend of Dr. Satan?

Here we go.
- Shut up.

I'm not much for gossip
and this and that,

- but I have heard...
- I know all about

what you wanna know all about.

Otis.

I can't believe you decided

to come down and join us.

And you brought Little Wolf.

Oh, my baby.

Oh my God.

It's such a special night for me.

I don't know

who told you your fairy fables
about Dr. Satan.

We heard it from a Captain Spaulding

up the road at...

That old bitch hog don't know shit.

Tells this cute little tattle-tales
to sell his junk,

but he don't sell
no Yankee boys no truth.

Something happened, right? It had
to be based on some real incident.

Are you, Jimmy Olsen,
cub reporter for the Daily Asshole?

- Grampa, watch your language.
- I don't think you need to know.

Better you leave here
with your head still full

of kitty cats and puppy dogs.

- I really would like to know...
- Hey, he'd really like to know.

Enlighten him.

I bet you'd stick your head in fire
if I told ya you could see hell.

Meanwhile, you're too stupid
to realize

you got a demon
sticking out your ass

singing, "Holy Miss Moley,"

"Got me a live one."

Can we change the subject, please?

Dinner's over.

Ladies and germs,

it's show time!

Tell you a little story...

Eat your wife's pussy...

I mean jam your face in it!

...starts licking and chomping
on her pussy

and she's screamin'
and yellin' and she just...

Ah-hhh!

The old battleaxe at home's
liable to crush my balls!

Would you be quiet?

You're gonna wake up grandma.

Bravo, man.

Hey, hey, hey, don't be moving now,
don't be moving.

We got something real special
for you men out there.

Wow!

Jerry.

Get off him.

I said get the fuck off him,
you stupid fucking whore!

- Fucking slut!
- You shouldn't have done that.

Oh, really? Are you gonna
do something about it?

- I'll do something, motherfucker.
- Yeah, come on.

I'll fucking cut your tits off
and shove them down your throat.

- Baby, stop!
- Come on, Ma,

- this bitch has got it coming.
- No, I told you, remember?

- Car's done.
- Thank God.

I suggest that you kids leave.

We're gone.

Fuck you!

- I love you, Mama.
- I know.

Lock the fucking doors!
Hurry up.

Jesus Christ, you think she
was really gonna cut you.

Of course she was gonna cut me,
she's a fucking nut.

I knew she was crazy from
the second we picked her up.

Okay. That's that.

Let's get out
of this fucking nuthouse.

What're you doing?
Why are you stopping?

- I gotta open the gate!
- For Christ's sake, hurry up!

Oh, shit!

Somebody help him!

Oh shit!
What are they doing to him?

Who's that?

Oh my God!

Shut the fucking door!
Oh, no!

Somebody help us!

Oh my God! Get away from us!

No, please.

Oh my God!

No-ooo!

Oh my God!

Help me! Help me!

... rock and roll this morning
with some Led Zeppelin...

... kinda wild around
the radio station today,

it being a holiday.

It's kinda like
a ghost town around here.

It's kinda nice though,
it's kinda kick back.

Maybe time to get away with stuff.

Huston.

Donald Willis.

- Don Willis, how the hell are you?
- Listen, Frank,

I'm a little worried about Denise.

She called me last night
from the road near Ruggsville,

a place called Spaulding's.

Yeah, I know the joint.

She said she'd be here about 11:00,
but she never showed up.

I'll run a check on up there
by Spaulding's

and see if there's any accidents,
or road closings.

It was raining like
a son of a bitch here last night.

They're probably just stuck
in the mud someplace.

Shut your mouth!

I said, shut your fucking mouth!

Listen, you Malibu middleclass
Barbie piece of shit,

I'm trying to work here!

Work! You ever work?

Yeah, I'll bet you have.

Scooping ice cream to your shitheel
friends on summer break.

I ain't talking about
no goddamn white socks

with Mickey Mouse on one side
and Donald Duck on the other.

I ain't readin'
no funny books, Mama.

Our bodies come and go,
but this blood is forever.

I'm gonna remove your gag,

but if you make so much
as a fucking peep

I'm gonna cut you like a pig

and make you eat your own
fucking intestines. You got me?

Why are you doing this to me?

- Why are you doing this?
- Doing what?

Messy up your day?

Where's Bill?

- Where's Bill?
- Bill?

Is he okay?

He's a good guy.

He's been a great help to me.
A real blessin'.

I couldn't have asked
for a better specimen.

You don't know

what kind of dry spell I've had,

total block, total block.

But Bill,

he's okay.

Where is he?

Hi.

Where is he?
Can I see him?

Can I see Bill, please?

Let's go see.

Behold...

- Fish-boy!
- Oh my God!

Oh my God, Bill.

No, no, this can't be real.
This can't be real.

This can't be real,
this can't be real.

Oh, it's real.

Real as I want it to be, Mama.

Fuck you, you fucking freak!

Well...

Let's see if the nut that runs
this place can help us.

Take a look at all this crap.

I'd red flag anybody
running a joint like this.

Sweet baby Jesus.

Whoever's jerking off on that bell
better be gone when I come out,

or I'm gonna rip your nuts off.

Officers, officers,
what can I do for you?

I ain't fired up the birds yet

if that's what you've been
ring-a-ding-dinging about.

I need you to answer some questions
about some missing kids.

Oh, I don't know nothin'
about nothin'.

I'm the kind of guy that
just minds his own business,

if you get what I'm saying.

You seen this girl?
Say in the last 24 hours?

Yeah, yeah, a cute kid.

Ain't my type though.

I like 'em with a little
more meat on 'em.

The bigger the cushion,
the sweeter the pushin'.

Look, clown-ass,
just answer the damn question.

We ain't interested
in your love life, all right?

Cut the crap, Spaulding
and get with the facts.

Huh?

What did you see?
Who was she with?

- Where was she going?
- I don't know.

She was with some stupid kids.
They's nosing around,

asking a bunch
of stupid questions.

- Questions about what?
- I don't know.

This and that. Mostly a bunch
of tired Dr. Satan bullshit.

They caught a gander
at the display in the back

and they figured
they's gonna run out

and solve
the great Deadwood mystery.

And how'd they get that idea?

I wrote 'em a map.

Out to the old farm road.

I figured, what the hell?
It wouldn't do no harm.

'Sides, it's good
for my tourist trade.

You can shit 10 bricks
for all I care.

What else?

Nothin'.

Stupid-ass kids probably
got themselves

turned around ass-backwards
and got theyself lost.

Is that all? And I want you
to think real hard.

Well,
I don't rightly know.

They wasn't here
long enough for me

to get up close
and personal with 'em,

like I do most assholes
that come wandering in here.

How about you write them same
directions out for me then?

All right, all right. Don't get all
"True Grit" on my ass.

You can knock yourself
silly for all I care.

Enough talk!
Write.

I don't know where
that skunk ape sleeps.

All I know is, that he had
impure relations with my wife.

That's true, he performed lurid
acts upon me and my person.

Hold up the picture.

I'm gonna kill that skunk ape.

Please, Tiny.
Please let me go.

Let me go.
Help me.

Please, God, please.

Thank you.
Thank you.

I'm just gonna go now.

I'm just gonna go home.

I'm just gonna go home now.

I'm just gonna go home now.

I'm just gonna go now.

I'm just going home now.

Where the fuck do you think
you're getting to?

No, no, no...

Playtime is over.

It matches.

Call it in.

- I think we found 'em.
- Yeah.

Hey, poopie pants.
What's new?

Where the fuck is Bill? Where's
Denise? You can't keep us here.

Shut up!

Wanna play a guessing game?

Guess what number I'm thinking of.

Eat shit and die.

No, wait, please. Come on, stop it.
What do you want from me?

- What do you want from...
- Be quiet. I don't wanna slip.

Okay, one more.

You get this right,
I'll let you go.

If you get it wrong,
you are fucked!

Who's my favorite movie star?

I don't know.

Marilyn Monroe.

No, Betty Davis.
Sorry, you lose!

Ah-hhh!

Jesus, somebody
had themselves a field day

beating the shit out this thing,
didn't they?

Yeah.

No mercy shown here.

Didn't find any bodies, did ya?

- Not yet.
- Holy Christ.

What could these kids have done
to bring this much hell down on 'em?

- I found something.
- What's that?

Keys.

Don't stand there like some
prize dog, Dick, open the trunk.

- Yes, sir.
- Toss them here.

- Oh, Goddamn.
You got something, Georgie?

Yeah.

We found something.

People come, people go,

but how many ever stop
to take a look

at the underbelly of the beast?

I make 'em stop
and I make 'em look.

Hope you like what you see.

Hope you like what you see!

Just hold it a minute, Grandpa.

At a time
like this, you're taking pictures?

I just couldn't help it.

You look so natural
sitting in that box.

Put me behind the wheel of that
bitch, I'll show you drivin'.

You useless fuck. You couldn't
even get your big ass in that seat.

You ungrateful...

Don't start with me, Hugo.

Get off the damn car,
this ain't your living room.

Goddamn grease monkey.

You sure this guy is supposed
to ride with us... in this car?

Mm-hmm.

This doesn't seem right to me.

It ain't up to us, Chief said pick
him up and take him with us.

Guy's an ex-cop,
figures he can be of some help.

I just hope he doesn't
get in my way, is all I'm sayin'.

This must be him.

- Mr. Willis?
- Yes, sir.

- I'm Wydell, this is Nash.
- How you doin', sir?

Donald Willis.
Any leads?

We were on our way out
to check on a couple of farms

out on the edge of town.

That's about our only lead
up to this point.

What about this body you found?

You know about that?

Local girl.
Karen Murphy.

One of the cheerleaders
that went missing last week.

That's it?

We know the kids
were on their way out

to a place the locals
call Deadwood.

They wanted to play Nancy Drew
with this local legend

people call Dr. Satan.

- This is insane.
- Don't you worry about it.

We'll find her, all right?

My name is Lewis Dover

and I'm no rich man,
but I know the truth.

You don't have to go to hell.

You're in hell... this is hell.

This is hell.
This is hell.

I'm gonna see if anybody's home.
You and Mr. Willis

check around,
see if you see anything.

Come with me.

I hate fucked up families!

- It's just a dip.
Otis!

Otis, come quick.
There's cops out there.

- What? Damn!
- How many?

- Don't worry about it.
- I don't know. I only saw one.

Fucking pigs always travel in packs.

- Take this.
- What should I do?

Go downstairs and play nice.

I'll go round back and take control
like I always fucking do.

Goddamn.

These packrats throw anything away?

- I don't think so.
- Hold this thing.

Hello? Hello?

You'd think these son of bitches
would have a yard sale, don't you?

Yeah.

Hello?

Oh my God!

- Oh my God!
- Calm down, Barney!

Don't even start
with that "Mayberry" shit.

It's only a dog.

I was bit by a cocker spaniel
when I was eight years old.

- Hello, Officer.
- Good afternoon, ma'am.

I'm Lieutenant Wydell. I'd like
to ask you a few questions.

Why, heck, I'll tell you
anything you wanna know.

I appreciate the cooperation, ma'am.

I'm looking for a missing girl.

I'm serious. It was a big
cocker spaniel... big teeth.

It was my ex-girlfriend's.
Almost bit off my pinky toe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shh, you hear that?

Yeah.

Yeah, I hear it. Where do
you think it's coming from?

Out this way.

All right, hold on,
hold on one second here.

Hey, hey!

Sheriff's Department, open up.

- No, I ain't seen her, sorry.
- Ma'am...

If I could just
come in for a minute.

I have some other pictures
I'd like you to look at.

It might stir something up.

No. I don't think so.

Ma'am.

It'll only take a minute.

Oh, all right.

I guess I can trust you,

being a man of the law.

Yes, ma'am.

Thank you, ma'am.

Oh, this one looks familiar.
Is he on the TV?

No, ma'am,
I don't believe he is.

- Wydell?
- Excuse me, ma'am.

- Wydell, over! Wydell, over!
- Wydell, over.

Let me take a guess here.
Y'all havin' a Halloween Party.

What makes you think that,
big boy?

You sure are buying a whole mess
of holy water for two people.

We like to get fucked up
and do fucked up shit.

- You know what I mean?
- I like to get fucked up too.

- Do some fucked up shit.
- Yeah, I bet you do.

How much we owe ya, goober?

Actually it's G. Ober,
for Gerry Ober,

but the new guy, Romald in the back,
he drew in that other O

and made Goober.
Fucking asshole.

Great story, Goober.
How much we owe ya?

The damage is quite severe.

- $185.
- That ain't gonna break my bank.

Here, keep the change and go
get yourself a new name, Goober.

Holy dog, I will, thank you.

You all drive safe. Thanks for
comin' in to Red Hot Pussy Liquor.

Where's Otis? Where's Otis?

He's comin'. He's got
something real special this year.

Otis, Otis, Otis...

I'm the one who brings
the Christmas candy.

Now tell me,

who's your daddy?

I'm the one who brings
the devil's brandy.

Who's your daddy?!

I'm the one who beats you
when you're bad.

- Who's your Daddy?!
- Who's your Daddy?!

Come on, sweetie,
give the old man some sugar.

Daddy, Daddy.

And I'm the one who loves ya

when you're fucking dead.

Who's your Daddy?!
Who's your Daddy?!

Well, I say my little darlings.

Maybe it ain't a good idea to be
prancing around

where you don't belong.

And you,
the great rusher of fools,

what was it that you were after?

Come on, speak to me, boy.
I remember now.

Dr. Satan.

Goddamn it, everybody
got to know about Dr. Satan.

You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna do you a favor.

I'm gonna let you
meet the old bastard.

It's all true.

The bogeyman is real
and you found him.

And you found him...

Hey, happy boy,
step your ass up here.

Take his gag out.
It's more fun with the screaming.

I like that too. That screaming
is much more exciting that way.

Please don't kill us,
please don't kill us.

Please don't kill us...
nah... please don't kill us.

Shut your mouth
and get your shit in the box.

- Get in now.
Wait, wait, wait...

I wanna say goodbye.

Goodbye, sweetie.

We could've been great.

Just let us go, I swear to God
we won't tell anyone.

- I swear...
- Honey, you know I can't do that.

I swear to God,
we won't tell. I swear to God.

Ain't we just having a fucking hoot?

Get your fucking ass up, boy.

Come on, we ain't got all night.

Where does she think
she's gonna run to?

- She gonna run all the way home?
- No, let me get her.

All right, go get her.

Huntin' humans,
ain't nothin' but nothin'.

They all run like
scared little rabbits.

Run, rabbit, run.

Run, rabbit.

Run, rabbit. Run, rabbit.

Run, rabbit, run!

Run, rabbit!

There once was a woman

who lived with her daughter
in a cabbage garden.

Along came a rabbit
and ate up all the cabbages.

The woman said, "Go into the garden
and drive out the rabbit. "

Mary.

Told you.
I'm gonna get you.

Mary.

Mary...

I'm gonna get you.
I'm coming to get you.

"Shoo, shoo," said the maiden.

"Come, maiden," said the rabbit.

"Sit on my tail and go with me
to my rabbit hutch."

No-ooo, no!

No hanky-panky.
Rufus, put the lid on.

No-ooo!

No-ooo!

Oh, no!

No!

No, no, no!

Stop! No!

No!

No-ooo!

No, no-ooo!

Bury me in a nameless grave.

Bury me in a nameless grave.

Jerry, wake up, wake...

Jerry, wake up, wake up, wake up.

Bury me in a nameless grave.

Bury me in a nameless grave.

Oh my God!

No-ooo!
- Jerry!

No, Jerry!

Please! Help!

Help me!

I can't see anything!

Jerry? Is that you?

Jerry?

Jerry? Thank God.

Please help me.

God!

Jerry?

Oh, God, no, no, no...

No!

No-ooo!

No!

God, no, no.

No, no!

No-ooo!

Go away!

Go away!

Sweet baby Jesus, girl.
What the hell happened to you?

I got away.

I recognize you.

There's a whole bunch of people
been looking for your ass.

- I gotta get to a doctor.
- All right, all right.

Just sit back and relax.

I'll get you to a doctor.

Come on... that's it,
that's it.

I'll get you there,
yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah!