House Party (2023) - full transcript

A high school student decides to host a house party while his parents are away. A remake of the 1990 comedy, ' House Party'. - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food
♪ Now, wait a minute

♪ in the city, of la

♪ they're poplocking, woo

I know for most people,

a house party is just a kick-back
to catch up with the homies.

But this is la, a city where
a party can change your life.

A place where legends
are born, die, and live again.

And bein' rich or bein' broke can
be separated by a mere freeway.

But once in a great while,
the stars align,

and the fates bless a few fortunate
dreamers with a night that will change

the course
of their lives forever.

In other words,
there's some crazy, beautiful,

weird-ass shit about to go down.

One and two and three and four.

The fuck?

Destiny, what you think?

I know it sound weird, but
let's see what daddy cooked up.

This beat feel good!
It feel free!

I'm the goat!

Sellin' out stadiums!
Platinum records!

Yeah, that's my baby
on the track.

You hear that? That's you.

Yo, come on.

Look who decided to wake up.

Did you sign the start forms
for the it job yet?

I'MMA get on that Monday.

You ain't got all the time in the
world because in three months,

your mother and I will be
enjoyin' our retirement.

Spoonin' each other on the
Sandy beaches of Daytona, Florida.

And this house will be sold, so...
did you find anywhere to live yet?

Once I start my new job, I'll
have the money to get a new place.

I mean, you could just
lend me the money.

Yeah, right.

When I was raised, you think anybody
was just goin' around giving me money?

You don't know what
it was like in la in the '90s.

Don't let this house fool you.

Half this shit we got
in the riots, right baby?

You ain't lyin'.

I said, "lend," pop. Dang.

Oh, I saw Mrs. Bailey
at vons yesterday.

How is Venus doing?

Good, I guess.

I mean, I think she live near
leimert park, now.

You two were like twins
in middle school.

- Remember that?
- No, I don't remember that.

I thought you two might
have been datin'

until she went to prom
with that football player.

I follow him on Facebook, too.

He is more handsome
now than ever.

You don't ever talk
to Venus at work?

Not really. She work
in the main office.

I see her when I'm dropping off keys
to a house or... Picking up my check.

That was nice of her
to help you get that job.

But stupid of you
to help Damon get his.

Jesus is my friend.
Yeah, he's my friend.


Damon, wake your lazy ass up.

Damon! I know you
gotta work today.

And clean up this room, too.

It smell like ass
and onions in here.


All right, I'm up already, man.
Damn. Jeez.

That's what you get,
stayin' out partyin' all night.

Mm-hmm. You think you can live
playing pick-up basketball

and clubbing
and fucking up my house?

See now I know why
your mama kicked your ass out.

Aunt Jean, for the last time,
all right...

It's not clubbing.

I'm a promoter.
I'm working, all right?

People followin' me on
Instagram and comin' to my parties.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

- Did you make any money?
- There she go.

Oh, I get it. It's a non-profit.

You're doing charity work.

Boy, if you're in a club and not
making any money, then it's clubbin'.

You must think I'm stupid.

Don't forget, you owe me rent,
plus last month's.

'Cause next stop is gonna
be skid row for you.

Talkin' about followers.

You know who got followers?



Take your rude ass to work,
and clean up that room.

Smell like somebody
fucked an onion.

Oh, my god, aunt Jean,
you just cursed.

What would Jesus say?

Jesus would say,
"shut the fuck up, this is my house!"


Hey, beautiful.

Don't make me get my gun.

Oh, shit.

Let's get you
to your mom's house.

See, what granny and paw-paw
don't know is...

Is that I'm about to make a lot
of money from this party.

And we gonna
have everything we need.

Have all the toys you need.


Hey, what's going on?
What y'all doin'...

- Where Damon at?
- I don't know.

Y'all know he doesn't live here.

We gonna burn
his nigga house down.

- Larry, chill.
- Whoa. What?

I got my daughter with me.

I tried to call y'all twice
this week about the party.

Y'all ain't returning my calls.

Y'all dickheads off the party.

- Guile? I got this.
- Hmm.

- Okay?
- Yeah, yeah.

'Cause y'all dickheads
off the party.

Yeah, I heard him. But why?

You know exactly why!

We're gonna make you pay.

- First we gonna tie you up, right?
- Mm-hmm.

Then we'll cut your little
nappy head off

- with a rusty machete.
- Whoa.

- Yeah.
- Then I'm gonna sew your Booty hole up.

I'm gonna take some
Mexican candy, the spicy kind.

Then I'm gonna shove it down
your throat till you're nice and plump.

And then I'm gonna
beat your ass like a pinata.

Larry... Larry,
let's just calm down.

Hey. Hey. I need you to really
work on dialing back your threats.

- Dial it back?
- You put too much sauce on it!

- Too much sau...
- What you mean, too much... A pinata?

Y'all off the party!

You and that little weirdo Vic,
and that's that!

Y'all can't do that, man.
We got money invested.

You can thank
your home boy, Damon.

Never liked that
roach-face-ass nigga, anyway.

Yeah, he tried to play my baby
cousin, tried to get away with it?

And steal from her?

What you mean?
He stole from her?

Daisy can't find
her gold necklace.

And I know that little
crackhead-ass boy Damon took it.

We're gonna
fuck his ass up on sight.

- On sight, boy.
- Yeah. That's right.

Then we gonna grind
his dick into a juice.

Make him drink that shit.

- Okay, no, no.
- What's left over, that's for you.

We just talked about you
dialin' this back.

- What did I do?
- We're not juicin' no dicks today!

You know what? I quit!

- Oh, you quit?
- I quit! Do it yourself!

- You did this same shit in the third grade.
- So?

Just get the fuck
outta here, man!

- Guile!
- Huh?

I got this!

Between the both... why...

I got it.

Get the fuck outta here.

Get yo' ass in the back.
What you doin'?

I thought you quit.

You got short legs.

You interrupt me one
more time, I keep tellin' you.

Every time I speak, you wanna speak.

Quit speakin'!

Hey. What's up with it, y'all?
It's your boy, damonthadon.

Just wanna hit y'all with a bit
of morning motivation.

Lot of people trying
to stress you out.

But don't let the bullshit
get to you, all right?

Do whatever it is
that makes you happy.

Smoke a little weed,
a little meditation.

Maybe a party.

Y'all know we got a big one
comin' up, so, make sure y'all pull up.

Until then... it's regular.


Damn, man! Always hating.

Here I come! Fuck.

Hey, armen. Sorry I'm
late, man. The 405 crazy.

Somebody famous live here?

Jesus, I'm so glad I won't
have to deal with you anymore.

These areas
are marked and locked.

They are not to be
tampered with.

Kevin will return the keys
when you're done.

He's the responsible one.


I have another site to get to.

Bye, Damon.

It's Damon, bro. The French way.


Shit ain't that hard.

Damn, man, this how
the other half live, huh.


God damn, man.
I see you late as usual.

Yeah, you know, I got caught up
in the clubhouse,

schoolin' niggas
on how to be successful

and not have to work
a basic job.

Hey, how's my
goddaughter, destiny?

She fine.
She's at her mom's house.

Man, armen was acting
weird as hell, bro.

Actin' hella sketchy
about who's crib this is.

I guess you ain't heard we got
kicked off the party tomorrow.

What the fuck
is that supposed to mean?

Kyle and them is pissed.

They don't like you doggin'
their cousin Daisy.

Daisy? Light-skinned Daisy?

That's they cousin?

Shit. I'd be pissed, too.

But they can't kick us
off the party, though, kev.

We put money in! I'm the host!

I told you,
stop messing with that girl.

She started liking me too much.

That shit... It just turn
me off, you feel me?

I'm like, "you want me? Me?"

I'm still in my ho phase, bro.

Man, they said
you stole her chain.

Man, that's cap!

That's big cap!

That's bottle cap!
That's Colin kap!

- That's cap-tain america!
- Yo!

Nobody want that fugazi
raggedy-ass swap meet chain, anyway.

Chain's not worth shit.

Damn, that shit
just fluffed itself.

Whose crib is this, man?
Steve Jobs?

- Steve Jobs is dead, fool.
- Don't mean his house died.

There goes the money I invested.

I got shit to pay for.

Have to pick up
some extra shifts.

That might not even be enough.

I know, right?

They payin' us Mexican
prices out here.

Hey, my bad, Juan.

I'm Venezuelan.

Hey, nobody said
you wasn't, Juan.

Come on, let's knock
this house out.

I ain't got all day.

I gotta get home in time to read
to destiny and drop the keys off.

Armen must think
you a slave, huh?

He know better
not to try that shit with me.

I'll knock his ass out.

Hey, v. It's crazy you called.
My mom's...

What the hell is wrong with you?

Oh, nothin', I'm good.

Corporate is in there right now,

watching a video
of you and Damon

smoking at the house
on baylor street.

That don't even sound like us.

This is serious, Kevin.

They are short on staff today, so, they're
gonna let you clean that last house,

but you are getting terminated
officially, first thing Monday morning.

Maybe we can talk to 'em and
change their mind, or somethin'.

I need this job.

These niggas fired.

- No, y'all "fired" fired.
- Hey, Venus!

I gotta go.

Sorry. Sorry, kev.

Who was that?
Little girlfriend, Venus?

Hey, bro, let's spark up.

Why you standing there
like you shit yourself?

- We fired.
- What?


To be honest with you,
fuck this job.

You're way too talented
for this, kev.

What you should do
is focus on them beats.

The shit you sent me today,
now, that shit was hard.

I ain't mean to mess up
your money, though, man.

My bad, dawg.

But you'll figure this shit out.

You always do.

What if we threw a house party?

Where? Auntie crib?

I mean, that shit could work,
but... She got these low-ass ceilings,

and she got this cat that be throwin'
up every time it smell weed, so...

No, not like a regular house.

People are tired of us throwin'
the same party. Every time.

We need something... different.

Something bigger.

Something like this place.

You trying to throw
a party here?

Not here.

- Armen would kill us, man.
- True.

We could rent
something out like this.

Rent? Oh, hell, no.

That would be terrible
for our margins, dawg.

Plus, my followers? Here? Shit.

Niggas ain't got no respect
for a nice place like this.

I don't know. I gotta
figure something out, though.

I need ten g's by next week.

My parents
about to sell the house.

If I don't pay for my
daughter's fancy preschool,

char could make a case to get full
custody, and I ain't having that shit.

Man, all right. All right.

All right, man. Damn.

You ain't gotta convince me.
I was in the moment you said...

please, I need your help."

- I didn't even say that.
- Man!

I could hit up my fan base, we could
make 10,000 off cover charges, easy.

All right. Enough
hypothesizing. I'll call around.

Let's get to work.

Damn. This nigga love to work.


Jab. Jab. Spin.

Yeah, that ain't a travel.
That's good.

Hey, Sabrina?

Yeah, remember we threw
that Halloween party last year?

Oh, look... I'm throwing another
party this weekend, and I need a venue.

Damn. This dude
got his own museum.

Damn. She thick.


I would.

Dude got Miami shit,
Cleveland shit, la shit.

It's like, damn,
pick a city, bro.

Man, you could actually
fuck in here, bro. Yeah.


Conforming to body.

Yeah, this is nice.

Oh! Ewe. What the fuck?

Is this motherfucker a giant?


Two weeks meditation?

This dude gotta be stressed.

Who is this bro?

Buddy is on LeBron's nuts.

Oh, my god.

I know it's last minute,
but you gotta have something.

Yes, sir!

Yeah, I understand.

These promoters talking
a lot of shit about us.

- We're being blackballed.
- Well, fuck all that, bro.

Why is you still cleaning?

Might as well get
this last check.

Fuck that, kev!

What you doing, man?
They got cameras in here!

Don't worry
about that shit, kev.

I found the camera room
and I turned all them shits off.

You forgot I worked
at geek squad, huh?

Whose jacket you got on?

Check it out.

It's LeBron's.

LeBron who?

James, nigga!

There is only
one LeBron on earth!

Why you got on his clothes?

'Cause this his house.

Mmm. This him, kev!
This him! This all him.

This... man, look, man!
This is his candle.

Smell like game time
in this motherfucker.

Look, man, this is his...
This is his fridge, kev! Look!

This his juice.

This juice is LeBron juice, bro!

Get some of this greatness
in your life, goddammit.

You fucking
kidding me right now?

Shut the fuck up.

Yep. Told you.

- Hey, there.
- Oh!

You are one handsome,
philanthropic motherfucker.

- Who, me?
- Your hairline is perfect.

Anyone who says
otherwise is just jealous.

Bro, he got a hologram of himself,
just to give him compliments?

Yeah, that do make
sense, though.

The only person that could convince
him he the greatest... Is the greatest.

You handled the decision
to go to Miami perfectly.


That's cap. This guy.

Damon. Stop touchin' shit, man.

Man, what, man? Shut up, bro!

Your scary ass, bro.

Oh, damn, I need a face ID.


Hey, Talk, man.

You were great in trainwreck.

In fact, Ian crouch
of the new yorker

said you were the funniest
person in the movie.

Damn, we got all of LeBron's
contacts in here.

Pretty much everybody
in the world.

Man, shut up, bro.

Even got Carole baskin
in here, bro.

Should we invite her
to our party?

Yo! Yo.

Yo! Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo yo, kev!

Yo! Kev, yo!

Yo, yo, yo. Yo! Yo!

How about...
We throw the party... here?

Bro, that was a bad idea before.

- It's a terrible idea now.
- What?

Your NBA 2k rating
should be 100, not 97.


Come on, man.
It's the perfect idea, bro.

Who wouldn't want to party
in the king's house?

To become a champion,
you must think like a champion.

Listen to LeBron, man!

Look, it's perfect, dawg. Look.

We just hit up all his contacts.

As LeBron's assistants.

We say that LeBron throwing a
secret party on some low key shit.

You want to trick famous people
into thinking LeBron throwing a party?

In his own house?

- Hell, yeah!
- Man.

We can charge
way more at the door

with these celebs
coming, all right?

We can make
ten times the money, kev.

We can send
destiny to preschool,

high school,
college... whatever.

What about his family?
Somebody could show up.

- We can go to jail.
- Your scary ass.

You worried about
the wrong things, kev.

Look. Right here.
They on vacation.

- He meditating for two weeks.
- Two weeks? Must be stressed.

I would be, too if I was about
to hit my 30th season.

Look, bro.
It's simple, all right?

We could throw the party, have it
cleaned, without him even knowing.

Man, I don't know.

Hey, hey, man. Hey, hey!

This is not about us, kev.

It's not about you.
It's not about me.

You know who it's about?

Destiny. Lil' baby.

She can't read. She can't write.

'Cause she can't go to school.

- Why? Because you broke.
- Shut up.

But you can change that, kev.

You could make it happen.
All right?

Yeah, you see it.

Now... are we doing this?

Or are we doing this?

Come on, now. Say yes.
Say yes, kev.

- This shit gotta be spotless.
- It's gonna be sparkling, bro.

- Yeah...
- We doin' it.

We doin' it. Yeah, my boy!

You know what that means, right?

Looks like we about
to throw a house par...

Excuse me.

We're done in the living room.

Oh. Okay, for sure.

You can leave the cleaning
supplies by the door.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Dawg, you about to get...

Which door? The one over here?

Just the one over...

Not that one,
the one right over...

There's so many
doors in the house.

Yo, Juan, get the fuck out
of here, bro!

You ruining the special moment
between me and my man, bro.

- Sorry.
- You and Gloria can leave.

We'll lock up. Thanks, man.

Yeah, come on, bro.

Man, this is what we do, man.
We throw parties, bro.

I'm gonna make some calls.
About to get it crackin'.

Shit, I'MMA call diddy.

Of course, puffy,
diddy, Sean, Mr. Love.

Yeah. Ciroc only.

We put the dj booth right here,
vip area upstairs.

We can get sly and reg
to do security.

Hell, yeah.

We need somebody good to clean
this place so we don't get caught.

- We can do it.
- Naw, someone good.

You right. You right.

All right, we're
gonna tell everybody no phones,

no social media.

The theme is for LeBron and all the guests
to play dumb if it's ever brought up again.

We're gonna call it,
"off the grid part two."

"Off the grid part two"?

So, people think
they missed the first one.

People would love to have
Dr. Dre on the ones and twos.

Oh! This is Dr. Andre Liebowitz?

Oh, my bad. My bad.

No, I do not need
a hair transplant.

Oh, my god.

Then we invite all the
celebrities and regular people too,

and charge them more.

Man, we about to be
the biggest promoters in town.



Bro. You really think LeBron's installing
popcorn in his goddamn cinema...

- Hey, yo.
- Yeah?

I think we'll be good if we
keep the party to the living room.

Everything else is off limits.

Yeah, we can just party-proof it

like we did that pajama jam
we threw at my granny house.

Exactly. Plus,
all the good stuff is packed

into the restricted areas,

Word. Nigga, this shit
about to be crackin'.

I'm talking about legendary.

I even booked us
some performers, too.

- Who?
- Migos!

How the hell you do that?

Told quavo he can play
LeBron one on one.

- He believed it?
- Of course not.

But he said he coming.

Shit, I was thinking he could
freestyle over one of your beats.

Nah, man,
I'm still uncomfortable

playin' my shit
after what happened.

This the one?

Hey, nigga.
Turn this weak-ass shit off.

I got a customer out here.

Yo, this shit
really is trash, bro.

Fuckin' weirdos.

Can't lowride to this, nigga.
This ain't dre.

You gotta get over that, bro.

Dude was recording in the back
of a cell phone shop.

No, I still don't
want to do it, though.

That shit fucked me up.

All right, whatever, bro.

Look... I'm gonna drop a fake
set of keys off to the office now.

And I'm gonna give Venus
the real set, after the party.

Man, we about to be kings
in the king's castle, dawg.



We got a lot to do.

All right.
Focus on the important stuff.

Yo! What the fuck?

My fault, bro. Shit. Damn.

Keep your feet off my damn car.

Come on, kev. Let's get to work.

Start with the back yard.

♪ Oh, god...

Yup. It's that rapper weed.

Baby lungs.

- Oh!
- Yo!

- What the fuck was that?
- Looked like a koala.

- A what?
- Yeah, a koala.

- You never seen a koala before?
- Hell no, man.

That looked like
a fucked-up monkey.

Yo, kev. Let's go inside.

Because if it come over,
I'MMA kick the shit out of it.

Come on, man. Get off me.

You're scared of a Teddy bear?

Yo, what the fuck is that?
You leave the gate open?

Nigga, I don't know,
it's not my house.

- Kev, come here. Hey.
- Hello?

Come here, kev.

- Hello?
- Wait.

Hi! I see you there.
How are you?

I already saw you.

- It's a white man.
- Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

We going to jail, kev.
Oh, shit. He's a detective.

Fuck! Get the drugs out!

I can see you through
the tempered glass.

Kev, no. Kev!


Hi, I'm Peter. I'm the neighbor.

- How are you?
- How you doin?

Nice to meet you. Sorry, my pet
koala wandered over here again.

Ugh! This keeps happening.

I just want to grab
the little guy.

My bad. Hi.

So... you just...
You just got a pet koala?

Yeah, pet koala, yeah.

It started off as a prank
from my brother-in-law.

But eight years
and one divorce later,

it's the only thing I love,
so... joke's on him.

- Is LeBron here?
- Get this guy.

- Huh?
- Uh...

Is LeBron home?

- Um...
- No?


I just wanted to talk
to the big guy.

Still haven't met him and I
was hoping to chat him up a bit

and maybe show him something.

Yo, man. Whoa!

No, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't do that anymore.

Look at this.

Sign my jers.

Lake show. Big fan.

He's actually away on vaca...

- He not here. Yeah.
- Business.

- Miami, Cleveland. Whole bunch of stuff.
- Wife, kids...

- Oh, he's gone.
- Yeah.

Who are you guys?

- We're his lawyers.
- We're his cousins.

I'm his cousin, kenton.
This is his court lawyer.

- Nice to meet you. What's your name?
- I'm deez.

Deez. Deez what?

- Deez...
- Hey, uh...

You said you're the... neighbor.

Yeah, I live just over those
bushes, right down the hill.

- That's where I am.
- Got it.

- All right, I'm gonna skedaddle.
- Ske-what?

By the way...

Black lives matter.

- They do.
- Yes, they do.

I posted two squares
on my Instagram. Respect.

- Hell, yeah.
- All right, guys. Toodles.


Marley! Come here, girl!



Fuck, that was weird.

But we still need to buy
some liquor and stuff.

- You got some bread?
- Hell, yeah.

My whole life's savings.

All 347 dollars.

All right, with my money,
we should be good.

I still need to let Venus know
the whole plan, though.

She on the way
with her cousin mika right now.

Mika? Fine mika?

Good. Get a head start
on the competition.

There's about to be a gang
of NBA niggas up in here.


What's up, homie?

Hold this.


It's like the Kardashians
up in this motherfucker, man.

You bring speakers, right?

- Yeah. They out there on the truck.
- All right.

I almost got robbed by a gang
of crackheads on the way over.

We're gonna put
the dj booth over here.

Yeah, yeah, surely.



Gimme that shit.

Nigga, is this vodka?

Hell, no. Never vodka.

Never vodka.

- That's rum.
- Watch out, bro.

- What, so you gonna drink on the job?
- Pshh...

Yes. It's my dj jet fuel.

When I need to turn this
party up, I'MMA hit the bottle.

No, ain't no drinking tonight.

Yeah, nigga, we not payin'
if you drinkin', bro.

I thought only while
I was dj-ing.

We can't take no chance.

You wanna talk about that time
you was dj-ing at that frat party?

♪ Fuck Donald Trump, yeah

♪ fuck Donald Trump, yeah

♪ fuck Donald Trump, yeah

♪ fuck Donald Trump, yeah

- See, that wasn't...
- Or that baby shower over in crenshaw.

- Look what...?
- Look at this punk...

What is going on right now?

- I'm gonna beat...
- No, no, we're not fighting him on this.

We're fighting right now
because, you pay for this?

He's ruinin' my...

No, auntie, stop!

- That wasn't even his baby. You seen that girl.
- Yeah.

Do your thing. Sober.

All right. Come on, guys, focus.

By this time tomorrow night,
we'll be counting stacks.

I'll buy a big-ass bottle
of hennessy myself.

Hennessy privilege?

I mean, you never know.

Can't you at least make it
hennessy black, please?

Don't trip, man.

You can smoke all the weed
you want to, homie.

You know that shit ain't funny.

You already know
how I get, all right?

This is beautif...

Wait a minute.

Is this a picture
of Chris bosh's kids?

We'll explain later.

How do you even know what
Chris bosh's kids look like, bro?

Ladies, ladies, ladies.


- Hey, Damon.
- What's up wid it.

- This is my cousin, mika.
- I know.

The most beautiful angel on ig.

I think we follow each other.

Yeah. Damonthadon.

- I don't follow your broke ass.
- Oh.

For sure.

Is Kevin... Kevin's in there?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

You crazy. You crazy.

We can fix all that, though.

Boy, if you don't
get the hell away from me...

Venus in the house,
shut your mouth.

- What up, Johnny, Jr.?
- What...?

- Huh?
- Oh, my god,

only you and my dad
call me that.

- You know that, right?
- I know. Good to see you.

- Good to see you, too. You look good.
- I'm all right.

Nice. Colors of the rainbow.
I see you.

Thank you for bringing
your cousin, too.

Damon was being thirsty as hell.

Yeah, she just flew in from
Houston to promote that tummy tea.

Wish me luck.

Got one shorty in the back.

You know what I'm sayin'...

What the fuck are you doing?


- I was on the...
- Yeah, they perfect for each other.

Yo. This place is gorgeous.

What is this, an airbnb?

This is nice.

- Yeah...
- Rich.

About that.

- What? What's wrong?
- Everything's fine.


- I do need your help with something.
- What?

Are you stupid?

I just need you
to return the keys.

All right. Yeah, there you go.

- Mika. Come on, let's go.
- Wait, wait. Wait...

Kevin... mika, come on.
Let's... get off of me!

Why y'all leaving, man?

Y'all idiots are trying to throw a
party in LeBron's house, that's why!

- This is LeBron's house?
- Wait.

Yeah, it's regular.

Wait, Venus. Don't
leave! Don't... Don't leave!

V, I know this is crazy.

But you know me.

I wouldn't do something like
this unless I was desperate.

I gotta pay for my
daughter's school.

I lost this job, the money
I invested for the party.

I start my new job in,
like, a month.

Look, I'm telling you,
I have a plan.

But we can't do
this without you.

Yeah, he can't do this without...

- Shut up.
- All right.

I'm not wasting my years
in college for this shit.

And I'm about
to get a promotion.

Mmm. No.

Y'all can ruin y'all's lives.

- I'm not. I'm out.
- Wait, Venus...

Damn, we just got here.

I just want to take a couple cute
pics and then we can go. Please?

At least check out the pool.

Ooh. Slim waist, fat ass.

Y'all wanna get this tea.

Okay, I see you, sis.

Kevin, this is a really,
really bad idea.

It's kinda dope, though, right?

- I mean, we in LeBron's house.
- Yeah.

He probably sat right here and
contemplated on killing j.R. Smith.

I'm contemplating
killing you right now.

Come on, v. Relax.

Why does everyone
keep telling me to relax?

I mean, you probably should
just relax a little bit.

I mean, you be a little tense.

Look, but I'm serious.

I know this is crazy,

but a night like this don't
come around more than once.

Yeah, whatever.

As soon as she's
over this shit, we leaving.

You impressed yet?

I'm getting there.

My hosting shit really
starting to take off, too.

I got all my famous friends
pullin' up tonight.

- Famous friends?
- Yeah.

And who are you?

Their normal friend?

Man, whatever, I'm popular.

Hey, yo, kev!

Let me borrow your car keys.

Gonna go get some supplies.

Whoa! You don't have a car?

They on the counter.

Should I roll with you?

No, man, one of us
should stay here.

I can see you.

- Huh?
- I can see you.

My fault.

- Just don't fuck up my car.
- Yeah, all right.

Look at his little-bitty Booty.

Watch out. That's why
your followers is fake.

Yeah, whatever,
and you one of 'em.

I'MMA stunt all over
this bitch tonight.


Talkin' about me?

I ain't no one?

Sweet chunky black baby Jesus.


Come on, now.

Say what?

What I do for a living?

I make money, bitch!

- 'Sup, man.
- 'Sup, my man?

Yeah. Got this party tonight.
Make sure y'all pull up.

Hey, bro bro,
you pulling up tonight?

- You already know that.
- I'm gonna see you then.

I can smell the deposit slip
on you, big time.

Whoo! That ride is clean!

All you need now is one of these

exclusive Louis Vuitton

Man, Virgil ain't make
that shit.

See, that's what make
it exclusive.

I ain't got it. I'm broke, baby.

Don't look broke to me.

- You're welcome.
- You lucky I'm parched.

Cheap motherfucker.

Donation, donation!

How you put on the fuckin' ac?

- I like your car.
- Oh.

Oh, yeah. You know.

Just taking it out for a drive.

I've never seen one of these
in real life. Is it fast?

I can show you better
than I can tell you.


- Right?
- Yup. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm doing it, right?

Stop it! Don't lie to me.

I swear.

Music has always
been your calling.

You still making beats?

From time to time,
fucking around with Damon.

To be real, making beats is a
waste of time if I ain't making bread.

I should focus
on something real.

One of my uncles in New
Orleans actually does music.

And no matter what life
threw at him, he never gave up.

I'm sure if he can make his dreams
come true... You definitely can.

What about you?

I remember my mom made me go to those little
ballet recitals you did for Christmas.

You didn't give up
on your dream, did you?

There's this modern
dance studio in culver city

I've been going to
for a few months.

Nothing major.

But... it's a start.

That's what's up.

Thank you.

♪ You are on my mind

t... e... r.

"Do not enter."

♪ It's driving me crazy

All right. Wait, wait, wait.

- Oh, shit. Man.
- All right. Hey, come on.

Girl, you can't wear that.

You wearin' my clothes.

♪ And I'm mixed up

Damn. That shit look dangerous.

Yeah. Yeah, we good.

Where are you wearing this?

Okay, toot it and boot it.

That what you want from me?

No. No.

Hey, y'all. What's up!

♪ Baby, it's all good...

All right. That's pretty
much the layout.

All we need is 500 people
to make our money.

Sly, you can keep count?

Shit, back when I was locked up,

keeping count
was my favorite pastime.

Most important thing, we need to
guard the trophy room at all times.

Any other questions?

Don't trip. We got your back.

I talked to them.

We ain't takin' no shit tonight.

All right.

Y'all heard the man.

Shit gotta run smooth tonight.

So, niggas better be locked and
loaded, ready to hold shit down.


I didn't hear that. Fuck, man.

Anything else? Bathroom...

Damon is in the house.

Damon is in the house.

Damon is in the house.

La's number one
party host has arrived.

Was that LeBron's suit
from yesterday?

How the fuck is this your size?

Man, bro, chill, I got a
tailor for the party, man.

Are you serious?

Man, he ain't gonna
notice this shit.

He got a grip of these.

Hold that thought.

What's that?

Man, there was so much
extra suit...

I had him make you one, too.

Gotta look the part, superstar.

I had him use the inside
padding for yours.

Yin and Yang.

Yin and Yang.

Go ahead,
put that shit on, dawg.

- Yeah, this shit actually clean, though.
- Mm-hmm.

How you know my size?

I measured you one time
when you asleep.

Tonight gonna be crazy.

Gonna make some money.

Send my goddaughter to school.

Stay out of trouble. Feel me?

Might even fall in love.


Man, let me fix
my chains real quick.

Know what I'm saying?

I know you're all thinking
they're vvs, but they're not.

I got this shit
from the slauson.

- Busted!
- Shut up.

How this look?

Damn, that boy clean, man!

Yes, sir! Talk to 'em, kev!

- All right, look, seriously, though...
- Mm-hmm.

Keep your eyes
on the prize tonight.

Let everybody else
have a fun time.

Tonight is about making money.

That's it.

Yeah. That, and throwin'
a dope enough party

to set us up to be the biggest
promoters in the city.

In the city... man!

Are you ready
to make history, homie?


- Hell, yeah.
- Gimme some.


This is crazy.

LeBron is the size
of two normal humans.

Bro. Three.

There was still some extra suit.

Had to make one
for my goddaughter destiny.

Here you go.

Keep that shit
in the family, dawg.

I'MMA go check on this party.

This nigga different.


What took you
so long? Been waiting.

- Yeah, y'all good.
- No, they good. Yeah.

Stop. Turn around.
Empty your pockets, lil' homie.

- Want me to take your picture?
- Yeah.

Welcome, everybody.

Glad to have y'all. Make sure
you have a good time, all right?

I see you, black man.
Yes, sir. Do your thing, king.

Damon! Oh, my god.

What's up, shawna?

Yo! You really
doin' your shit, man.

Look at you. This is so nice!

I am so proud of you.

I appreciate you, shawna.
For real, for real.

Go get yourself a drink
and turn up, all right?

- Say less!
- You looking good too, girl.

Come on, y'all.
Stop all that hoodrat shit.

Hey, Daryl, you made it
out of the office!

How you doin' boy?

Man, this is big time.

Where did you find this?

Man, this probably the nicest
house I've ever seen.

I know, right?
But I see you, player.

I'm just trying to be like you.

No way, man, I need
to keep up with you now.

Welcome to
off the grid part 2, people.

The party that never happened
this time or the last.

What's up, yo?

Thank you all for coming.

I'll send that beat pack
in the morning.

All right, sly, you good?

Shit, yeah. Copacetic.

Like 200 people
came through so far.

Already made a grip.

Cool. So, how's the line moving?

Line's still thick
like an ig chick.

Keepin' it pushing.

That's bullshit!

He been holding
the line all night.

I been here two hours.

I told you.

If you don't like it,
you can leave.

Hey, fuck you, doorman!

Sly, what the fuck, bro?

You can't do that.
He gonna call the cops.

It's cool.

I'm not calling the cops.

I'm going home to get my gun.

I'm gonna come back,
and shoot everybody!


I heard him say
he live in the ie.

No way he getting there
and back in time to kill nobody.


Yo, man. Cudi, bro.

Hey, man. Thank you, bro.

Thank you, man. For real, bro.

I'm like a big fan, bro.

I've been fuckin' with your
music since man on the moon.

Appreciate it.

Yeah, but I'm not talkin'
about "day 'n' nite" shit,

I'm talkin' about,
like the whole album, bro.

My shit, what's my shit?

I mean, you know the shit.

Man, you sang that shit, man.

Pursuit... pursuit...

"Pursuit of happiness," bro.
That's my shit.

- You go crazy, man.
- That's your shit?

That shit get me in my
feelings every time, bro.

Hey, by the way. I'm Damon.

I'm the nigga
running this whole shit.

This is me.
I did this. For LeBron.

- Word. That's what's up.
- Mmm-hmm.

- Where he at?
- Huh?

I had a special poem
I needed to share with him.

Oh, shit.

Like some exclusive
new verse type shit?

No, nigga.

A poem. For him only.

That's... okay. Right.

It's cool, man.

- Shit's on fire.
- Yeah.

Uh. Well, he'll be around later.

So, you can just enjoy yourself,
man, enjoy the party, bro. Yeah.

I don't know.

I never really go to parties.

Too much laughing.

Yeah, bro. I'MMA go...

I'MMA go check on everybody.

I'm gonna go... yeah.

So... yeah. You can just...

Hey, cudi, man, you can just
stay right there, bro.

Yeah. There's a lot
of laughing out there.

A lot going on, man.

So, just, yeah.

You good, man.

That's my shit, man!

Okay, girl. Okay, girl.

Okay, girl. Oh... listen...

Oh, my goodness, you are the
first real black superhero, man!

You are the black power ranger!

Thank you, I appreciate that.

- Here we go.
- Come on. It's morphin' time!

Don't hurt nobody
doin' all that karate shit.

- Go on, now!
- We'll see.

- Can we get one?
- Naw, bro.

Tryin' to get these bitches.


- Guess who I just saw?
- Mya?

No. Nick Cannon
coming out of the bathroom.

How many people did you call?

Damn, you invited quan?

Yeah. You gotta watch his ass.

Man, you worried
about the wrong things, kev.

It's a party.

Shit crackin', bro.

Look, we did this, all right?

- Man, so just relax. Have a good...
- Dj!

Hey, man, hold that thought.

Why you ain't got
nothing to drink?

Nope. Gotta keep him fresh.


- Hey.
- Hey.

Damn. My... I'm sorry.

I mean, you look amazing.

- Thank you. Not too much?
- No... you look different.

- Like, good different.
- Oh, good.

Oh. This your shit!

It's my shit, too.

I need to loosen up and dance.

- Come on, dance with me.
- Yeah. Go ahead.

- Come on, dance with me.
- No. I'm not ready to dance.

No, they dancin', right in here.

I just got down here,
Kevin, please.

Oh, come on.

You gotta dance, girl.

Yeah, everybody dance. Let's go.

Put 'em up!

- Okay, come on.
- This is embarrassing.

It's all right. Just like them
ballet recitals, you remember?

You remember that?

We're gonna twirl like this.

- Okay, that's enough.
- Wait.



- Okay.
- What's going on over here?



Yeah. Let's fuck it up.

Just follow my lead.
We got this.

Oh, shit!

Damon tha Don and Kevin
goin' crazy on the dance floor.

G5, kev. Let's go.

All right, you ready?

Do what I do.

Let's go!

♪ You got much flavor

♪ this is how we do it

- Let's do what we do. Yup.
- All right.

♪ This is how we do it...

Whatever! Whatever!

Old school.


♪ The party's underway

Hey, Venus, I... okay.

Oh, my goodness.

♪ This is how we do it...

You're coming with me.

Wait, wait! Venus, wait!

Hey, you live, boy.
You living right now.

I don't know. Wait.

All right, we gotta
stay focused.

No, man. Fuck that,
it's a party. Turn up.

This is crazy!


- We definitely won that.
- Oh, absolutely ate it.

You're amazing.
You're an amazing dancer.

Thank you.

I'm looking for some
backup dancers.

Maybe you want to audition?

- For the road?
- Um...

- Yes. Yes!
- You'd be great.

- Yeah. Oh, my god.
- Hit me up. Dm me.

- I will! Bye, girl!
- Bye!

Thank you!

♪ This is how we do it

Come on, man.

Damn, they know me up in here.

Man, what the fuck?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What the fuck?

Get the fuck outta here.

- This shit is weak.
- Man.

Mansion party's still going on.

Mansion party?

Yeah, this dude from Instagram.

I just got the addy.

Oh, let's go! That's...

Hey, hey. Send me that addy.

I'm supposed to meet
my homeboy there.

What, I look like sending
you an address to a...

How 'bout you
send him the address,

or I shave your eyebrows
with a lawn mower.

He... he got the address.

Let me see that.
Shut the fuck up.

Hate light-skinned niggas.

Thank you.

- Hey, wait...
- You just got bullied, bro.

I ain't tryin' to die, bro.

God damn.

How hard it is to find some
rum 'round this motherfucker?

What the fuck?

What is that?

This nigga got a house
behind the house.

Gotta be a drink
in here somewhere.

Excuse me. Am I missing
something, brother?

What the hell goin' on in here?

You missin' out on
this high-octane.

We getting zooted.

This shit'll change your life.

Man, you need
to hit this shit, okay?

I just came up with this
fire-ass movie idea.

It's roots,backwards.

- Stoor?
- We go to Europe,

capture these motherfuckers, we plant
a bunch of shit, they have to pick it.

And it's just,
like... it's all flipped.

I get Bobby brown
to do the whole soundtrack.

All right? Stay tuned.

You might want
to hit that, though.

You good?

Shit, we done
fucked up the koala.

Damn! Look at all these...
People! Damn!

Can't believe we spent
$300 to get in here.

Man, fuck this shit.

Damn. This is nice.


But this is ugly.





Yes, Jesus?

Psst! Come here, man.

The hell wrong with you, man?

Yo, I gotta piss.

Watch my post.

Nigga, why are you so high?

Why you look like g.I. Joe?

Didn't give me
no gun or nothing.

Hey, my man. You gotta sit down.

That's for sitting, not dancing.

That's not a cup, bro!

My bad.

- Bro. Come on, now.
- No, no. Stop. Get off me.

We having fun, man. Come on.

This shit getting out of hand.

Where the fuck is Damon?



What the fuck, d?

Yo, you cock-blockin' like
a motherfucker right now, dawg.


Nigga, you got these hos
in here, stealing.

Have you seen how
out-of-control this party is?

What, like in
a "go viral" type way?

Man, look at all this money
we done made, bro.

Destiny is good.

The last thing
we want to do is go viral.

Remember, we gotta pay
to clean all this shit up.

- The house is fucked up!
- Hey, man. Bro, chill.

Nigga, it's a party, bro.

Shit is lit.

We been going crazy on ig, too.

Check the feeds.

What is you doing?

We're about to get shut
the fuck down.

We gotta pay for shit.

We ain't even made
the money we need yet!

Bro, I'm deleting all this shit.

- It's way too much.
- Chill. All right? Relax.

They're gonna trace
the party back to us.

I'm done after this.

All right, look, man. We just...

When summer come around,
we just go hard on the promotion,

switch up the strategy...

I don't think you heard me,
I'm done, bro.

I'm making the money
I need and I'm out.

Damn, man. Bro.

What the fuck, man? Wait, bro.

Why is everything always
about you, bro, huh?

You ever thought
about what I'll do

after you dip on me
to take that it job?

You're selfish as fuck, bro.

- I'm selfish?
- Hell, yeah.

Everything you do is fucked up.

Everything has been your fault.

Yeah, this bangin'-ass
party I threw

to get you money
for your daughter is my fault?

Yes! We wouldn't even
be in this position

if you hadn't got us
kicked off the other one.

I got a life, bro.

I got real responsibilities.

I have a daughter.
You wouldn't understand.

You acting like I ain't had
your back since day one, bro.

Destiny is my goddaughter,
and I take that shit very serious.

I keep putting you
in a position to win, nigga!

And all that shit you done
blame me for, bro...

I ain't force you to do
none of that.

You gotta take
responsibility for that.

And destiny is not
your goddaughter.

So, stop sayin' that.

You think if something
happened to me

I'd put my child's life
in your hands?

I mean, you're irresponsible
as fuck.


Can I have my shirt?


Yeah. I know you see
that big ol' Booty.

That's because of me, nigga.

Ain't no pleasing you, man.

I stay lookin' out for you.

But who lookin' out for Damon?

Damon is lookin' out for Damon.

Why else would you be up here
while this party goin' to shit?

It's like you get me out of shit

just to get me
into even bigger shit.

Is that Daisy's chain?


So, you did take that shit?

I gotta go clean up your mess.

You could tell he was broke?

I could tell.

It was the corduroy?

I see something.

You see what?

Kamika! Girl...

He look broke, too.

Oh, Kevin, Kevin!

You know what's crazy?

Excuse me.

I'm actually having a good time.

I'm a little tipsy.

But I'm having a good time.

Are you all right? What's good?

No, this party's going to shit.

Are you serious?

Everything's fine, Kevin.

Look at it. People are...

White girl on a table.

Damon has fucked up
everything, as usual.

I know the neighbors
done called the cops by now.

I need to go outside
and check it.

No, don't... look.

Is Damon an idiot? Sure.

Hell, yes, actually.

But you knew that.

So, some of this
is on you, right?

But it's okay, because...
Because you got this, okay?

We got this, okay?

We're gonna figure this out.

Relax. Remember?

Oh, Vic, you all right?

See, it's five minutes ago, and I
was in a room with a koala and shit.

And now it's 45 minutes in the
future, and now I'm eating waffles.

- What?
- He hit the blunt.

He thinks he's time traveling.

Dj, you need to get your ass
back in that booth, man.

That booth is a prison.

And I will not be jailed
in your timeline, okay?



Where Damon at, man?

Weak-ass art.

Oh, she got some titties.

Yo, Damon!


Where you at, you little bitch?

♪ It's hard to grow up

♪ 'm a blow up...

This crazy.

What the fuck is this?


Fine with me.

They throwing a party
at LeBron James's house?

- Do you see this?
- I see that.

That's Cleveland right there.

- Open this up. Open this up.
- I get that side.

Do the math. You get that side.

There's gotta be a lock.

No, no. It's on
the top. The angle...


Works every time.

What y'all think this worth?

Well, shit, way more
than what we got right now.

Come on, y'all, we can't
steal from the goat, James.

You know what I'm saying?
That's crazy.

What, you a laker fan?

Hell no, nigga,
I'm a gymnastics fan.

Well, we in business, then.

Let's go.

You can do this.

You can do this.

Man, what the fuck?

Man, put on some
migos or something.

It's 1998, bro.

The migos don't exist yet.

Hey. Come on, now. Wait up.

I was just... come on, we can...

We can go back. Hey. Hey.

What's up now, fuck boy?

We gonna beat your fucking ass!

Open the door!
Hey, open the door.

No. You got too much
drama for us.

Open the door!
Open the fuckin... no!

Oh, no!

- What's up, yo? Yeah, come on.
- Get up!

Go, go.

Hold him up.

I been waiting all day
for this shit, nigga.

You know what I'MMA do?

I'm gonna tie you
to a table, right?

I'm gonna cut a whole bunch
of holes in you.

And then very slowly,
and carefully,

I'm gonna pull your organs out
with tweezers, nigga.

- Like operation?
- Exactly like operation.

It's my favorite game,
you know why?

Requires concentration.

First you go steal
Daisy's chain.

And then you gonna
steal my crowd?

First of all, it was my crowd.

All right?

Y'all niggas shouldn't
even kicked us off the party.

Now we kicking your ass
outside your party.

Hold up. Hold up. Hold up.
What... what is this?

- Hey, bro. I'm sorry, all right? All...
- Go to work.



- You all right?
- Are you okay?

- Wait!
- The fuck is that?

What was that?

Whoa! Oh, hell no!

Who got the keys?


Y'all hurry up!


I'm sorry I called you
a fucked-up monkey before.

You really saved me... Get off!

Somebody help! She's
fucking trying to kill me!

Here, koala, koala.

Come here. Come here, girl.

Hi, buddy.

Aren't you so cute!

Let you go.

Are you okay?


Yeah, I'm good. Yeah.

Damon, right?

It's Damon, like the French...
The French way?

Well, I'm Mya.

Yeah, I know who you are.

But how do you know my name?

Oh, your e-mail.

You said you'd be
wearing a flower.

So, you got my letter, huh?

Yeah, uh...

Your letter was just
so touching and poetic...

I had to meet
the person who wrote it.

What's wrong with you, bro?

You had one job. Play the music.

To create a quantum computer...

- Vic!
- Quantum computer...

Man, this shit
getting fucked up.

- Vic, turn the music back on.
- Quantum computer...

- Music is bad, man.
- Quantum com...

Music is just waves...
That are fuckin' our ears.

We ain't made our money yet.

We gotta keep the party going.

Plug it back up. Come on.

- Vic, what's...
- 'Scuse me, brother.

- What's wrong with you?
- Back up.

Vic. Vic! Vic!

Uh... uh...

Just... sorry about that, folks.

We'll be up and running
in a second.

2 Chainz! We got 2 Chainz
in this motherfucker!

Yo, my nigga, yeah!

Come up here
and perform a couple songs.

Nigga, I am not 2 Chainz.

Shit weak, bro.

Man, fuck this ol' bullshit
weak-ass party.

Know what I'm saying?

I hit him with a karate chop
on his neck.

I was, like, pow,
you know what I'm saying?

Oh, my god, Damon,
you are so crazy.

Well, you know I done
forgot my pills, so, you know.

Off the hook.

Sounds pretty bad in there.

You want to get out of here?

We could grab a drink someplace.

Everybody just calm down.

We gonna figure this out.

Come on, man. Don't break stuff.


I'm sorry. I'm so sorry,
but that's my friend.

He dyin' in there.

You know, I just
can't leave him like that.

You look great, by the way.

What the fuck, dj?
This ain't juice.

All right, everybody,
calm down, calm down.

All right?

- Damon, what you doing?
- Turn me up.

For real, man. Check my
boy, kev, on the beat one time.

His shit goin' crazy. All right?

Why is this bro playing
beats at a party?

Seriously, thank y'all
for coming out.

- Appreciate y'all so much.
- I actually fuck with it.

So, I got some news
about the migos.

Yeah... them niggas not coming.

But, fuck all that. All right?

We got stars galore,
we got sexy-ass ladies.

Y'all still trying
to have a good time, right?

I said, y'all trying to have
a good time, right?


All right. I wanna shout out the
king, for making this shit happen.

And I wanna shout out you sexy
motherfuckin' ladies out there, man.

Damn, y'all look good.

- Yo, I got this.
- All right, cool.

Yeah, y'all feeing that, huh?

Cash money records taking over
for the '99 and 2000.

This is what you want! Yeah!

Get out the way, this my shit!


Where you going?

Come on, coach,
"back that azz up."

Man, I only got one job tonight.

And that is to keep you
healthy and safe.

- My goodness...
- Season starts in weeks.

- Come on...
- Odell...

You agreed.


Now, you know he dead.

Juvie, I love you!

Answer my dms! Answer my dms!

I wanna send a special
shout-out to my niece, Venus,

for bringin' me down here
and making this shit possible.

Look, man,
y'all put them hands back up.

We in the king's mansion.

♪ Hell, yeah!

♪ Hell, yeah!

You got juvenile to perform
last minute? How?

That's my uncle from New
Orleans I was telling you about.

Wait, juvenile's your uncle?

Wait, wait. How come
you never said anything?

I don't know.

He's just my uncle Terry
that I never see.

He just happened to be in town
for my sister's graduation.

Venus, I...

I can't thank you enough.

Hey, man!
Give it up for juvie...

We're in this together. Okay?

- Oh, hey. Kenton, right?
- Oh, my...

I don't know
what's going on here, pal,

but the party is over. O-v-e-r.

I found my sweet little Marley
here higher than a giraffe's vagina,

and I found this in her pouch.

Drugs! Gummy drugs!

Crack, probably.

Makes me sick.
I'm calling the police.

- Peter...
- I'm calling the cops.

- Hey.
- Hello. I'm glad you're here too.

The cops are gonna
come get you, too.

- Peter...
- You're all going to prison.

Look at this cute-ass koala!

- Well... yeah.
- Aww.

Ooh. Let me take
a picture with it.

- Well, she's on drugs, but...
- My followers gonna love this!

Yeah... mika. Mika.

Peter is super-influential.

I mean, he got a bunch of stuff you
could take pictures with back at his crib.

He's one of LeBron's
rich neighbors.

Yeah, I do... yes. Yeah.

Well, I have a...
I have a private jet.

- Is that right?
- That is right.

- I would like to see it.
- I want to show it to you.

Hi. Marley. Hi, baby.

Damn. Shit. That was close, bro.

- There you are. Hey.
- Oh, hey.

Oh, shit. Mya?

- This the friend that was getting booed?
- Mm-hmm.

You know he came back
for you, right?

Instead of leaving with me.

You got a good one right here.






Hey, yo.

We got a big problem.

What the fuck!

Man, how'd this happen?

I asked Vic to watch the door
to take a piss, but he bailed.

Vic? That's the wrong person
you ask to watch anything!

- Oh, my bad.
- Yo, question.

Was it the Miami ring?

'Cause he didn't deserve
that shit.

- No.
- You think this shit funny?

- Sorry.
- I could lose my daughter, bro.

Just trying to lighten the mood.

Sly, you got to keep
the door moving.

We need to make sure
we got enough

to cover the damages
to the house.

How the fuck we gonna
replace the ring, though?


Sly, I need you
to search everybody, all right?

We gotta find that ring.

Didn't you have
more guys with you?

I had my cousin, Gavin.

But I ain't seen him in hours.

I've been wanting this all day.

Thank you, brother. Yes, sir.

Damn, that's all you?

Yes! These are my
Obama specials. Okay?

I voted for him... three times.

Yes we can. Yes we can.

- Everybody, hands!
- Let me see your hands.

Everybody. Yo, hands.

Got it! Here it is.

- Yo, where'd you get this ring at?
- Man, I won it.

You win this ring, man?
Prove it!

Bro, I'm Tristan Thompson.

Oh. It is Tristan Thompson!
Yo, but your hand big!

God damn. I thought you had
elephantitis or some shit, man.

- Sly, you find it?
- Still working on it.

We never gonna find
LeBron's ring, bro.

Kev, we gotta replace it.

We gotta try
one of them black markets.

Wait, y'all lost LeBron's...?

No, we didn't lose it.

It was stolen.

- Are you serious?
- Somebody stole it.

- I can get another ring.
- Oh!

Damn, cudi.
Where'd you come from?

Wait, wait, wait. Wait.
What'd you just say?

I can get y'all another ring.

Like another one-of-a-kind
NBA championship ring?

Yeah. Just let me know the year.

- How?
- What?

Simple. The illuminati.

The illuminati. Man!

Man, cudi, we ain't got time
for this bullshit.

All right. I was just trying
to help you little niggas.

Hold on, wait. Cudi.

You serious?

Look at me.

I don't joke
about the illuminati.

Come... come on, kev.

You not buying this, are you?

I mean, look at this man, bro.

He is a crazy person.

Look. He eating
an apple in a party.

Who eats an apple
in a party, kev?

- That's the sign of a madman.
- Let's just hear him out.

Even if we get a replica,
until we find the real one.

All right, kev.

All right. Go ahead.

All right, so there...
There's rings in this house?

The illuminati gets a copy
of every championship trophy

and rings dating back to the
first baseball and lacrosse games.


It's a prestige thing.

There's a party tonight.

I'm just gonna skip it.

Okay... let's say, for the sake of this
story, I believe you, and how do we...

How would we
get one of the rings?

- How?
- It's the illuminati.

Nobody gives a fuck
about that shit.

We all got money.

I've seen better cock rings
than NBA championship rings.

Okay, that's... okay.

Look, I'll go.

And you watch the party.

What? You shitting me, bro?

The illuminati?
Man, I gotta see this.

If he talkin' about something,
I gotta come...

Somebody got to keep
things under control!

I'll do it.

I will watch the party
while you guys... do this.

I can't ask you
to get involved, though.

You didn't ask me.

I'm volunteering.

Besides, I would've been
left by now.

Yeah, that's my dawg.

Hey, I'm sorry to mess a good
moment up, but we got shit to do.

Go, go. Yeah, go. Go, go, go.

Okay, so the plan is simple.

I'll bring you two
in as my guests.

One wrong move and we're dead.

Just be cool, and don't say
more than you have to.

These are my two manservants.

Of course, Scott.

Damon, you're gonna head
to the trophy room.

Get in, get out.

While you do that, we'll
mingle amongst the crowd.

Okay. Don't embarrass me.

Just be cool.

Mr. Cuban?

Look, I know you get this
all the time, but I got this idea.

I'll buy it.

But I mean, you haven't even
heard the rest of the idea.

We'll be in touch.

Wait, I got my... a cell phone.

We'll be in touch.

Who's "we"?

A little wine. Okay. Thank you.

Thank you. All right.

This is the first ritual.

Take a sip to show solidarity.

What kind of wine is this?
It look a little different.

It's not wine. It's blood.

- What?
- Drink it, or you'll blow our cover.

Oh, hell no.

Drink that shit, nigga,
right now.

Come on.

It smell funny.

This smell funny.

Dignified and esteemed
ladies and gentlemen.

Gather round and honor
our beloved guest,

Ms. Dolly Parton, who will be
performing a psychedelic rap.

This crazy.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

Before you leave tonight,
do not forget to choose

which days it will rain
next year.


- the blood drive...
- Right, niggas.

- Has low numbers.
- Let's go.

So, please donate
on the way out or find a victim.

Thank you very much.

Enjoy the night.

Oh, shit, man.

Ain't that kid 'n' play?

God bless you, man.


What? Y'all trippin', man.


Hey, hey, hey...

Hey, fuck you, cudi!

Punch me again,
see what happen, bro.

Ladies and gentlemen.

We have two late additions
to tonight's entertainment.

What the fuck is this?

Yo, kev. What the fuck
is they clapping for?

Destiny can't grow up
fatherless, bro. Fuck that.

Yo, check it out.
Y'all gotta snap out of it.

I got the perfect game plan.
Y'all just gotta follow my...

Let me get through.
I'm sorry, y'all.

I'm sorry.
I wanna leave, let me in!

Are they pointing at us?

Shit, kev! We can take 'em, kev!

We can take 'em.
All right, one... two...

Naw, fuck that!

Man, let me through!
Let me through!

Bro, let me in.
No? Damn! Oh, shit!

Not today!

Oh, come on,
I don't wanna go out there!

I don't wanna get out!

Hey, man, I love you, kev.

I love you too, man.

Cudi! Watch out.

Yeah, motherfucker!

Ice, ice, baby!

Are you not entertained?

Are you motherfuckers
not entertained?

Cudi! Cudi! Cudi!

Cudi! Cudi!


Oh, shit, get up, cudi.

- Get up, cudi!
- He gon' get up.

Come on, kev, we gotta save him.

- Oh, shit, cudi!
- Oh, shit, cudi.

Damn. They fucked him up.

Oh, shit. Hey, cudi, man.
You saved our lives, man.

Damn. Hip-hop really
saved my life, kev.

You guys won the blood trials.

They'll let you go now.

Hey, cudi, man.
Stop talking, all right?

We're gonna
get you to a hospital.

I mean,
it's the illuminati, right?

They gotta have a helicopter
or some shit, man.

Make sure LeBron gets this poem.

Oh, shit, is this the verse?

- Only he can read it.
- Damn.

Oh, shit. Don't die on us, man.

Hey, cudi, man.
Don't die on us, man!

Don't worry about me.

I'll be fine.

They'll bring me back.

I'm actually the fourth cudi.

I knew it.

You both have been the
realest friends I've had in years.

Wait, really?

- We just met you.
- Yeah.



But, hey, I'm serious.

That's for LeBron's eyes only.

Oh, shit.
Kev, give him some cpr.

Put your lips on him.

- Oh, shit!
- Hey, man, he dyin' over there!

Hey, come on, man! Come on!

What the fuck just happened?

I don't even know, bro.

But man, I need a drink.


Oh, yeah.



Yeah, some of that Merlot!

Man. We dodged a bullet.

Hell, yeah.

Let's shut this party down.

We made enough money
to fix everything.

Hell, yeah.

Wait, wait. Cudi's poem.


- All right, come on.
- I'll be serious. Let's roll.

♪ Steady, are you ready?

♪ What's going on?

♪ However do you want me

♪ however do you need me

♪ however do you want me

♪ however do you need me

♪ However do you want me

♪ however do you need me

♪ however do you want me

♪ However do you need

♪ however do you need me

♪ however do you want me

♪ however do you need me

♪ however do you want me

♪ however do you need me

You, get up
outta here, bro. Move.

Yo! Listen up!

You ain't gotta go home,
but you gotta...

Who the fuck
turned the light on?

What the fuck?

Snoop, what'd I tell you about
smoking in the house, man?

My bad, king. Put that out.

Y'all heard him. Put it out.

Yo, what you doing here?

Came to bring you
that lowrider, the six-four.

I appreciate that, big dogg,
but... who invited you here?

Your assistants. These
two lil' niggas right here.

- Hey...
- Surprise.

Hold up.

I know you niggas ain't
got on my draft day suit.

Fuck, he noticed.

How did y'all even...

Who the fuck are you two?

We work for the cleaning
service that cleans your house, sir.

Cleaning service?

I'm calling the police.
I'm too rich for this shit.

Don't call the cops, LeBron.

Look, we are... cleaners.

But I'm also a young, black...

Broke party promoter, too, so...

We was gonna have everything
fixed and ready to go by the time...

You got back, but...

- Shit.
- My fault.

Nigga, that's the king.

- We could... we could fix that.
- We gonna fix all that shit, too.

- Yeah.
- Easy.

Ain't you supposed
to be in India,

meditating for two weeks
or something?

It only took me one week
to reach enlightenment.

I'm the fuckin' goat.

Yeah, he is the goat.

- Yeah, yeah. It's true.
- It's true.

So, let me get this straight.

Y'all broke into my crib...
Invited all your homies,

and then go to tear my
shit up, too?

I mean, you make it bad when
you put it like that, you know, it's...

- We had a key.
- Okay, let me say it like this, then.

Both of you niggas
goin' to jail.

Oh, no, wait, man!

don't call the cops, man.

All right, man.
Look, man. The truth is...

This is my dawg, all right?

He ain't had nothing
to do with it.

This whole party, this whole
shit, this all me, all right?

Okay, cool.

So, they could just take you.

Damn, man! Oh, god.

No! I don't wanna go to jail.

All right! All right, uh...

Let me... let me give you
a proposition, all right?

- Play me for it.
- What?

Yeah. Yeah, let's hoop.

All right? And then
I can finish what I started.

I'll get this place cleaned up
and we can put this behind us.

All right, if I win,
those are my terms.

First to 11, win by two.

Man, this guy funny.

No fucking way.

Let him play.

I mean, I think...

Let him play, right?

Let him play.

Let him play. Let him play.

Let him play.

Let him play. Let him play.

Let him play.

Let him play. Let him play.

Let him play.

- Fine.
- All right.

- Let's fucking go.
- Let's do this. Yeah.

- You really gonna play in my suit, dawg?
- What?

Man, why is he talking to me
like he know me, bro?

I'm different.

I'm different, bro.

Okay. All right,
so, we bought some time.

What's the actual plan?

To win, nigga.


You know I could've
went to the league, right?

Are you fucked up?

- He's really...
- Yeah, I'm a little fucked up.

Hey, that's when
I play at my best.

All right, freedom on three.

One, two, three,
freedom! Let's go!

Shit, he's about to fucking...

Going to jail.

Ramos. Powder, please.

Appreciate it.

♪ Aight, they gon' get it


That's what it was.

Let's shoot for ball. All right?

♪ You ran from the thugs

It's regular, man.

Maybe this nigga actually can do
this if he just take long range shots...

No chance in hell.

No chance.

Hurry up, man.

All right. All right, man. Shit.

Oh, shit.

- All right.
- It's okay.

It's all right.
That's just one point.

♪ Lay challengers to rest

♪ we making all this noise


Foul, foul, foul.

- Come on, get up.
- Let's go.

Yo, a.D.! Yo, a.D., man!

A.d.! Come on, bro.

Tag in, I need some help.
He's too powerful.

No, you got it, bro.

You won't even be the best
basketball player on your prison team.

♪ King, none less is deserved

- Shit.
- Come on, bro, get up!

All right, LeBron, man.

Come on. Show some mercy.

You a family man. You got kids.

I don't know, just treat me like
I'm one of your kids, all right?

You can ground me
or something, man.

But... don't make the shot.

Don't take the shot.

Don't take the shot. Don't...

Damn, that's high.

Call the cops.

Man, I can't believe it.

I mean... he is the best player
in the world, so...

No, I can't believe you taking
the blame and going to jail, bro.

Come on, man.

Don't worry about me,
I'll be fine.

I guess I kind of resented you
for trying to dip on me or whatever.

But... I'm realer than that.

We get you out of there, man.

Can't have destiny's godfather
behind bars for long.

This shit crazy, man.

You all over Instagram.
You gone viral.

Man, it's on diddy's page.

You even trending
on Christian mingle.

I don't know
how that shit happened.

When you gonna throw
the next one?

Just make sure you get my
goddaughter into school, all right?

Exclusive merch!

Two for five! Say your pride!

Okay, two for ten.

Come and spend!

You all "drunk" drunk.

I mean, it was probably
the stupidest idea you've ever had.

But I'd be lying
if I said it wasn't fun.

Yeah. Well, thank you
for having my back, though.

- I got you.
- Yeah?

Oh, my god.

It's so cute.

What the fuck is this?

Oh, my god.

I needed this, man.


After off the grid 2, life
changed for a whole lot of people.

Damon was sentenced to a year,
but after LeBron read cudi's poem,

he reached a plane
above enlightenment,

and convinced the judge
to release him early.

Mya was there to pick him up
when he got out.

Don't know how he pulled that.


Those janky-ass
promoters got arrested

for trying to sell LeBron's
ring on offerup.

Hope somebody beat they ass.

Mika moved in with Peter, and his
koala started liking her more than him.

She's thinking about bringing
Marley back to Houston.

I guess the joke's on him now.

Venus and I took the leap
and moved in together.

And after the party, she decided
to focus on dancing full-time.

And Vic finally made it
back to our timeline

and vowed to stick
to hennessy from now on.

As far as the money we made,
we ended up giving it all back

to LeBron
for fucking up his house.

That nigga's so rich
he just donated it to charity.

- You did this?
- Yeah, yeah.

Thanks to Damon, though,
I ended up selling one of my beats

to big Sean and hit-boy.

That made me enough money
to send destiny

to preschool,
high school and college.

I guess Venus was right.

Dreams are worth chasing.

And as far as our new friend...

Yeah. I'm back, baby.

Looks like we about
to throw a house...

Excuse me?


What y'all think this is worth?

About 48,762 dollars and...

You been watching
antiques roadshow,huh?

Did you fart?

No, that was... that was...
Yeah, that was me.


We've been locked
in the house all year.

We're trying to get
naked on a beach.

Smoke weed.

Talk to a parakeet.

Maybe have his kids land on
my erect penis, I don't know.

They might think
it's a tree or something.

Got kids in here, nigga.

I just wanted to chat him up
and maybe get him

to sign something,
if you know what I mean.

Hey, man, come on.

Oh, no, no guys.

It's a laker Jersey.

- Right.
- That's my wire.

- Right, man. He the feds, yo!
- I'm the feds!

I posted two black squares
on my Instagram, by the way.

Just to let you know
how blm I am.

One for me, one for Marley.

Because we are... we're down.

I was gonna go to the protest.

- But...?
- I didn't go.

I came up with this fire-ass
movie idea, okay?

It's five heartbeats
meets demolition man.

Same director.

It's the five heartbeats
meets Jurassic park.

It's roots backwards.

So, instead of roots,
it's called trees.

My hosting shit really
starting to take off, too.

I got all my famous...

Yeah, my hosting shit
gonna go up, too.

I got all my...

Sorry, the water keep going
in my nose. One more time.

You would've been a phenomenal
baseball player, by the way.

That headband makes you
look 20 years younger.

Someday, you'll be
the governor of Ohio.

How many teams you think
we can win championships with?

Drake finally asked
for that feature, didn't he?

It's taco Tuesday!

You handsome devil, you.

I don't?

I don't?

You got your balls
on camera for no reason.

Balls on camera. Shit.

I'm gonna cram
this straw up your butt

and slurp your brains
through your asshole!

I'm gonna braid your hair then I'm
gonna scalp you, put it on my head

and I'm gonna play shemar Moore
in that Tyler Perry movie!

I'm gonna grab your earlobes,
flip 'em inside your scalp,

then put my hand up your ass,
grab your earlobes,

pull it out your ass
till you're inside out, nigga.

Looney tunes!

Damn. Get your marasupal-ass
away from me, man.

What is it, "marasupial?"

Yeah. Get your marasup...

Wait. I can't even pronounce
that word. Say it again?

- Marsupial.
- Marsupial, all right.

Yeah, say the word again?

- Marsupial.
- All right, marsupial.

The fuck is up with this Mara-supial...
Marsupial motherfucker, man?


Your letter was just
so touching and poetic.

I had to meet
the person who wrote it.

Cut, I'm blushin'
too much. Shit.

Oh, please.

Hey, why is this nigga
playin' beats at a party?

- You say...
- I forgot what I...

Is my dawgs
in this motherfucker?

Hell, yeah!

Everybody trying
to add a little bit

of bass in they voice,
ain't they? Yeah!

Hell, yeah!

Y'all niggas
don't sound like that!

We got a big problem.

What now, bro?

Cosby's outside.

You a mess. You a mess.

Yo, shoot for ball.

Fuck. Yeah!

Run that shit back.

Motherfucking go in
the fucking net, man.

It's regular, man.

That's a wrap on LeBron James.

♪ That's why we're here

♪ I do this for the people

♪ a-ha a-ha