House II: The Second Story (1987) - full transcript

Jesse moves to his biological parents' house with his girlfriend Kate and soon he hosts his friend Charlie with his girlfriend. Jesse reads old documents and decides to go to the local cemetery with Charlie to unbury his grand grand grandfather to seek out an ancient powerful Aztec skull. They reanimate Gramps that soon befriends Jesse and Charlie. But demons cross gateways in the house to retrieve the magic skull and Jesse and Charlie need to go to other dimensions to retrieve the skull and keep Gramps alive.

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[SPOOKY ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]

[INTENSE MUSIC]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[BABY CRYING]

- Clarence, they're here.

- CLARENCE:
I'll be there in a minute!

[CAR HONKING]

- Clarence!
[BABY CRYING]

- CLARENCE: I hear ya!

[BABY CRYING]

[CAR DOORS OPENING AND CLOSING]



[BABY CRYING]

- Clarence, they're waiting!

- I'm coming, I'm coming.

[BABY CRYING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[BABY CRYING]

[WOMAN WEEPING]

[BABY CRYING LOUDER]

[SPURS CLINKING]

Clarence, could it be him?

- No, it's probably just those punks

who broke into Tivet's
house last Halloween.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[DOOR SLAMS]



[SPURS CLINKING]

[SCREAMS]

[INTENSE MUSIC]

What do you want?

[GROWLING]

- DARK FIGURE:
I want the skull!

- I don't know where it is.

It's not here.

[INTENSE MUSIC]

[GUNSHOT FIRES]

[SCREAMING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

- DARK FIGURE:
Give me the skull.

- WOMAN: No!

[GUNSHOT FIRES]

- Wow.

I don't believe it.

- Oh, it's big, isn't it?

- Yep.

It's definitely not built to code.

- WOMAN: How many generations
of your family lived here?

- MAN: I don't know.

[SOFT EERIE MUSIC]

- Who decorated this place?

- Wow.

Looks like something's missing.

- Great.

I thought the electricity
was supposed to be on, Jesse.

- Yeah, it is.

The switch must be out.

[SIGHS]

- Is there a phone in here?

Great.

John Statmen, please.

- JOHN: Hello?

- John, hi! It's Kate.

- JOHN: Hey.

- Sorry I couldn't call you earlier.

The car phone doesn't work out here.

- JOHN:
What's the house like?

- Well, it's a pit,

but Jesse's completely
in love with it, of course.

[KATE AND JOHN LAUGHING]

How'd the meeting go?

Is he interested?

No?

Great, you know, we
could have had him recording

in the studio by early next month.

Well, I don't know.

We've gotta find somebody fast.

Did you go see that new band
down at the Midas Club?

Yeah, they've kinda got a raw
energy, don't you think?

You're absolutely right.

Hey, did you get that letter from...

- JESSE: I don't believe it.

- KATE:
Well, they really need someone...

- JESSE:
That's my mom and dad.

[MYSTICAL MUSIC]

I was pretty cute.

[KATE CHATTING]

That was my grandfather.

[KATE CHATTING]

So he must've been
my great-great-grandfather.

Jesse McLaughlin.

They named me after him.

[SPURS CLINKING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[DOOR RATTLING]

Oh!

[THUDDING]

Ooh.

[GROANING]

- What on Earth where you doing?

- I couldn't sleep,

so I went downstairs
to just look around.

[CAR HONKING]

[LAUGHING AND SHOUTING]

- What is that?

- I hate when you say that...

[LAUGHING]

- You did!

[LAUGHING]

- But I don't do it!

[LAUGHING]

- Oh, my God.

[LAUGHING]

- Quit it!

- Oh, oh.

[CLEARS THROAT]

♪ Da, da, da, da

♪ Happy Birthday to you

♪ Happy Birthday to you

- JESSE: Oh, hey.

You didn't have to do this.

- MALE VISITOR:
Sure, I did!

You're the only person I know
who's ever been famous, eh?

- Hardly famous, Char.

Nobody reads this magazine.

- Oh, well, you know,
I mean, I have to admit

I don't look at the pictures,

I only read it for the interviews.

- What? No you don't!

[LAUGHING]

- Hey, look at this couch.

Nice and comfortable, huh, Lana?

[SQUEALING]

[LAUGHING]

[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]

- Right, right, right there.

Perfect.

- Here?

- Yeah, yeah.

[LOUD NEW WAVE ROCK MUSIC]

[JOHN TALKING]
[LOUD MUSIC]

- What...?

[JOHN TALKING]
[LOUD MUSIC]

Can you hold on for just a second?

♪ I never knew till
we were face to face

♪ That I'd be taken up to hyperspace

♪ It seems so strange,
seems so strange

♪ I only touch you

♪ And then you move right through

- Excuse me.

- Oh, hi, Kate! Hey!

Music too loud?

Didn't mean to bother you, really.

- What, what is this you're playing?

Who is this?

- LANA: That's PuceGlitz
and the Avoiders!

- "Puce Glitz"?

- Yeah, that's my stage name.

- KATE: This is you?

- Yeah, and I'm her manager.

[LAUGHING]

Uh, Kate, I feel compelled to tell you

we are weighing several
offers from some big producers,

but to drop names would be tacky.

- But you don't have a contract yet?

I mean you haven't signed
anything yet, have you?

- KATE: Have you?
- LANA: Oh, no!

- LANA: We don't believe in success.

- Yeah, we wanna make a lot of money

and be real famous, but no success.

- No, there's a very
subtle difference, you know.

- John, I've gotta get back to you.

I think I may have found what
we're looking for.

♪ Sweet sensation, ow

♪ Sweet vibration

[CURIOUS MUSIC]

- Huh, they're different.

This one's got jewels in its eyes.

They're not the same skull.

- Hey, Jess, whatcha
doin' there, huh?

- Come on, Charlie, give it.

It's private.

- Hey, this is cool.

Looks like it's old.

What is it?

- Come on, Charlie, give it.

- No, no, no, not until
you tell me what it is.

- It's nothing.

Promise you won't laugh?

- Yeah.

[SCOFFS]

- You'll never believe me anyway.

- Sure, I will.

Here, okay, here, take it.

- All right, see this guy?

It's my great-great-grandfather.

He has the same name as me.

He was an outlaw in the Old West.

- I'll buy that.

- Yeah, look at this skull
he's holding.

It's made completely out
of raw crystal

and this guy in the background,

this is Jesse's partner Slim Razor.

- CHARLIE: Uh-oh.

- JESSE: Now, he and Jesse
had a falling out over the skull

and became bitter enemies.

Slim died without ever getting
the skull from Jesse.

All right, now, look at this.

You see this skull?

Now, it's different from the one
here on the book, right?

I mean, this one has
got jewels in the eyes.

- CHARLIE: Wait, wait a minute.

- But listen to this.

Okay, um, all right.

"Legend has it that
there was a second skull"

"that had untold powers
that could unlock the mysteries"

"of the universe
and bring eternal life"

"to those who possessed it."

So the question is:

if this is the legendary second skull,

where is it?

- Why you askin' me?

I mean how am I supposed to know?

- Charlie, Charlie, there's
an old cemetery up on the hill.

Jesse was buried there in 1916.

Now look here.

It says that when the Aztecs
buried their dead,

they wrapped the bodies in
several layers of cloth

and they surrounded them
with their weapons and jewels.

- It was worth millions?

Was it...

a lot?

- Yeah.

- I say let's go for it.

[GROANING]

[DOG HOWLING]

There's nothin' down here.

[PANTING]

Let's quit.

I don't care if all the money in
the world is down here,

I just want some sleep.

I'm really tired.

[KNOCKING WOOD]

- Charlie.

- Huh?

- We got it.

- Oh, no. No.

[GROANING]

- JESSE: Got it, Charlie?

- Yeah.

[GROANING]

I give up.

I can't lift another thing up.

Please, let me die.

Please, let me die.

[EERIE MUSIC]

[MYSTICAL MUSIC]

[INTENSE MUSIC]

- Charlie.

- Jess, Jess, what?

Come on,
I don't have time for this, Jess.

What's in there?

- Charlie.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[ROARING]

Help me, you idiot.

[GROWLING]

[CHARLIE BELLOWING]

[GROANING]

[SHOUTING]

[GASPING]

- Jesse!

It's me.

I'm your great-great-grandson.

- ZOMBIE JESSE: Huh?

- They named me after you.

My name is Jesse too.

[GROANING]

[GASPS]

- My great-great-grandson?

What year is it?

- I don't know.

- Now don't you mess with me, boy.

[GASPS]

- 1986!

- CHARLIE: October 30th.
- JESSE: October 30th, 1986!

- Well.

[CHUCKLING]

God damn!

You know,
I've been waitin' over 70 years

for some jackass to get
the sense to come dig me up.

[LAUGHING]

Thank you, boy.

[MYSTICAL MUSIC]

Well, there she is.

There's somethin' special
about this old house.

Can't you feel it?

I can.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

- Hey, come on.

Let's go this way.

Where you going?

[MYSTICAL MUSIC]

- ZOMBIE JESSE: There.

Remember, boys,
this house is a temple,

as fantastic as any pyramid or
castle you'll ever see.

It don't know time or space or
any of that hogwash,

but the forces of evil
are always after this skull

and you gotta help me to protect it.

So don't let no one touch
the dang thing, you hear?

- JESSE:
Here, you can sleep on this.

- Is this the way you treat family?

Makin' 'em hide down in the basement

like some slimy ol' lizard?

- Well, I'm sorry, I must
be out of practice.

I don't have any family, sir.

- Don't call me "sir."

I ain't no politician.

Heck, I'm your great-great-grandfather.

You can call me "Gramps."

That's what your granddaddy
used to call me.

- All right, Gramps.

Well, we better hit the hay.

- Yeah.

- But I'm not tired.

I don't need no sleep.

Well, let's get me cleaned up

and then we can go out on the town

and do a little high steppin'.

- I don't know if
that's such a good idea.

- Why not?

There's nothin' wrong with me.

- No, there's nothin'
wrong with you, but...

- Well, somethin's botherin' ya.

I can see it in your eyes.

Look, I'm just as fit as a fiddle.

I'm...

[SORROWFUL FIDDLE MUSIC]

Oh, no. Oh, no.

I'm supposed to be young again.

- Gramps, maybe you should...

- Look at me.

[SOBBING]

I'm a 170-year-old fart,

a goddamn zombie.

- Well, you look really good for
a 170-year-old zombie,

Gramps, really great.

- Well, I ain't gonna die if
it's the last thing I do.

[SIGHS]

[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC]

What in tarnation is it?

- Gramps, this is a 1986

Alfa Romeo Spider.

Zero to 60, 7.3 seconds.

[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC]

[ENGINE REVVING]

[WILD BLUEGRASS MUSIC]

Let it out slow.

There you go, real slow.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[WILD BLUEGRASS MUSIC]

- JESSE: Charlie!

- GRAMPS: Yeehaw!

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[WILD BLUEGRASS MUSIC]

[SIGHS]

[LAUGHING]

Look at them stars.

Woo!

You know, they were
clearer back in the old days.

Sometimes they were so bright,
you couldn't get to sleep.

[LAUGHING]

- Well, you know, Gramps, it's the ozone.

I mean...

[LAUGHS]

I mean, you know, insect repellents,

you know, under arm
deodorants maybe,

just a pinch of communism,

[LAUGHS] it's makin'
the stars fade away.

- You, you're drunk.

You're drunk.
[CHARLIE LAUGHING]

[GIGGLING]

- Whoa!

[LAUGHING]

- I better drive.

[LAUGHING]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[WILD BLUEGRASS MUSIC]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[WILD BLUEGRASS MUSIC]

[SHOUTING AND LAUGHING]

[CACKLING]

[WILD BLUEGRASS MUSIC]

Oh, Charlie!

[LAUGHING]

Charlie, I could...

Charlie?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Jesse, you old golf bag.

How are you?

- Uh, John, what are you doing here?

- Oh, well, your
beautiful lady informed me

that she's found
the Madonna of the 80's.

I thought I'd better come
by and check it out.

- Hey, I thought Madonna was the
Madonna of the 80's, huh?

[LAUGHING]

- Very good.

Who's your friend, Bozo the Clown?

- No, Bozo the Death Machine.

- JESSE: Uh, Charlie, Charlie,

this is John Statmen, Kate's boss.

He's the president of Heretic Records.

- Okay. Okay, Okay.

John Statmen. 'Course.

Hi. [LAUGHS]

This is really a pleasure.

I'm really happy to meet you.

Charlie Coriell,
manager of Puce Glitz

and the Avoiders.
- JOHN: Kate!

- Ta da! Here she is.

- JOHN: Great, you have the tape?

- JESSE: Where are you goin'?

- We're doing lunch.

John made a special
trip out here to meet Lana

and listen to her demo tape.

[GIGGLING]

See you late, Jesse.

[TELEVISION MUSIC]

- Isn't this great?

They just keep comin'
and comin' and comin'.

[LAUGHING]

Where the hell they
all comin' from anyhow?

[LAUGHING]

- Heck, I broke it.

- A brewski, Gramps.

- Thank you.

I hate this doggone box.

- Hello, I like this...

- It's got all them channels.

♪ I don't wanna grow up

It's got nothin' interestin' to watch.

- Well, there I was right out
in the middle of Kansas

facing 500 crazy fanatics, heavily armed,

and me with only 15 soldiers.

- GRAMPS: Now you take this
Ronald Reagan feller.

He sure is a pansy.

He wouldn'ta lasted 10 minutes
back in the old days.

- My dear young lady,
there comes a time

in every soldier's life when
he must stand or fall alone,

and if you knew the army,
you'd understand that he...

[TELEVISION CLICKS OFF]

- It wouldn't do no good to
tell you how it was,

you had to be there,

and all them movies
and books and crap,

they don't tell you how it really was.

It was rough.

- Well, I got a question for you.

What ever happened to Slim Razor?

- Slim Razor ain't part of
my vocabulary no more, son.

We had a disagreement about who
the skull belonged to.

- What did you do?

- I shot the scallywag is what I did.

Well, he took a shot at me first,

so I had to teach him a lesson,

and I left him to die
in the Mojave Desert.

- And that was that?

- Yeah, that was that.

- Gramps, did you ever rob
a stagecoach?

- Sure.

[LAUGHING]

- All right.

- All the time.

[LAUGHING]

I robbed a stagecoach once just
outside of Dodge City.

Now, every day at about 5:30
[NOSTALGIC FIDDLE MUSIC]

it used to come into the bank.
[NOSTALGIC FIDDLE MUSIC]

With a bag of money that
would give an elephant a hernia.

We set up on both sides
of a little gorge

just outside of town
and when the stagecoach

come on through, 50...

[GRAMPS STORYTELLING]
[NOSTALGIC FIDDLE MUSIC]

And they chased me around them hills

and clean across the
border into Arizona territory,

and I ridin' for about two weeks

without ever gettin' out
of the saddle

tryin' to lose them fellers.

[LAUGHING]

[NOSTALGIC FIDDLE MUSIC]

There I was, holdin' them off

with just two bullets in a Winchester

and all of the sudden, I take an arrow

right through the leg, right there.

- CHARLIE: Right.

- And another one just
under the shoulder,

ooh, right there.

The caves were never uncovered again

and there musta been
a billion dollars

in diamonds and jewels down there.

[CHUCKLES]

Now, that's somethin'
I intend to search for

just as soon as I get rejuvenated.

[MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING]

- Shh.

- What?

- I hear something.

- Yeah, it sounds like music.

[MUSIC GROWS LOUDER]

What time is it?

- And bring back some more beer.

[LOUD HONKY-TONK MUSIC]

- CHARLIE:
Hey, Mike, how's it goin'!?

- MIKE: Cool, Charlie, cool.

[LOUD HONKY-TONK MUSIC AND CHATTER]

- VOICEOVER:
I'm in the business, Bozo!

- I invited some people
over for Halloween.

I forgot. Sorry.

Enjoy!

Hey, Biff, how you doin'?

Hey, get over here!

[LOUD HONKY-TONK MUSIC AND CHATTER]

- Guess who.

- Rochelle!

- Long time no see.

Oh.

[LOUD HONKY-TONK MUSIC AND CHATTER]

- Uh, Kate...

- It's been so long since I've seen you.

- Yeah, it sure has.

- Excuse me, we need
to talk about something.

[LAUGHTER AND CHATTER]

- How long you out here for?

[ENERGETIC BLUEGRASS MUSIC]

- Like a week.
[ENERGETIC BLUEGRASS MUSIC]

- GRAMPS: Yee-haw!
[LAUGHING]

[ENERGETIC BLUEGRASS MUSIC]

- Would you hold this
trash for a minute?

- Sure.

- You look great.

- Now, I know some
people down in Hollywood.

- JESSE: Charlie! Charlie.

- What?

- Look, Gramps.

What is he doin'?

- CHARLIE: It looks like
he's about to score.

- JESSE: Yeah, but
how did he get up here?

- Will you relax?

It's Halloween, he blends right in.

All right, Gramps!

Go for it, pal!

[LAUGHING]

[ENERGETIC BLUEGRASS MUSIC]

Hey, excuse me, will ya?

Hey! [SHOUTING]

- Isn't he great?

- Yeah, he's an old friend...

from way back.

[MYSTICAL MUSIC]

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

[GROWLING]

[LAUGHING AND CHATTING]

[INTENSE MUSIC]

- Hey, excuse me!

- VOICEOVER:
What's his problem?

- Hey!

- Hey, watch it.

[GROWLING]

[GRUNTS]
[GROANING]

[GROANS]

[GROWLING]

[MYSTICAL MUSIC]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

- Jesse?

- Uh-huh?

- Um, can I talk to you?

- JESSE: Go ahead.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

- Out in back?

- Sure.

- I'll meet you there.

- Okie dokie.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Hey.

- You better pack your ass
in a suitcase

and head for Panama.

[GROWLS]

- You jerk!

- JESSE: Ow!

[GROWLS]

- I knew it was Rochelle all along!

- Hey, hey, oh, no!

- KATE: Stupid fool!
- JOHN: Katie, honey.

- JOHN: Take it easy.

No, no, wait, please.

[KATIE SHRIEKING]
[JOHN MEDIATING]

[MYSTICAL MUSIC]
- BARBARIAN: Ooh.

[THUNDER CLAPS]

- No! Charlie, stop him!

[GROWLING]

- Hold it!

[GROWLING]

Stop! Stop!

[GROWLING]
[INTENSE MUSIC]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[SLAMS]

[ANIMALS COOING AND SQUAWKING]

[SLAMS]

- Charlie, there's a jungle in there.

- Get you something...
[KATE HYPERVENTILATING]

- Valium! Get me Valium!

- Yeah.

[HYPERVENTILATING]

- Whiskey, get me whiskey.

I need the skull.

Without it, I'm a goner for sure.

Don't let him get away.

- Gramps, there's a jungle upstairs.

- And he took it in there.

He's from the Stone Age, kid.

You gotta stop him.

Don't worry, he's a pushover.

- Gramps, I don't think you understand.

There is a jungle!

- Jesse, in the wrong hands that
skull could cause trouble.

Now go.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

- JESSE: Charlie.

[KNOCKING]

Charlie?

- CHARLIE: Hey!
[SCREAMS]

[LAUGHING]

- Charlie, don't sneak up
behind me like that.

- Well, I just happened to have this

in the truck of the car.

Never know when you're
gonna need one in a pinch, huh?

[LAUGHS]

- What is it?

- This is an Uzisemi-automatic
firing weapon.

- Charlie, this is a machine gun!

- So?

- So...

so what about me?

What do I get?

- I only had the one Uzi,
you know, but...

got one of these.

- What do I do with this,
light cigars?

- No, you shoot people with it.

Duh.

Okay.

[CLEAR THROAT]

On the count of three
you're gonna kick the door open,

run in there blindly,
and I'll cover you, okay?

- Guy with the big gun goes first.

- Okay.

[SIGHS]

Ready?
- JESSE: Yeah.

- JESSE: One, two...
- CHARLIE: One, two.

- CHARLIE:
Just hold on, hold on.

[UZI CLACKING]

Not yet.

[CLEARS THROAT]

- JESSE: One, two...
- CHARLIE: One, two...

- JESSE: Three!
- CHARLIE: Three!

[SCREAMING]

[GUNSHOTS FIRING]
- Where are you at, scumbag!?

[GUNSHOTS FIRING]
[SCREAMING]

[ANIMALS SCREECHING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[ANIMAL SCREECHING]
[GASPS]

[SCREAMS]

- What are you doing!?

- CHARLIE: Makin' sure
you're not dreamin'.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[DINOSAUR ROARING]

[DINOSAUR ROARING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

- Charlie.

[MYSTICAL MUSIC]

Nobody's home.

What do we do?

We need a plan.

- Yeah, let's get the skull
and get the hell outta here.

- Good plan.

[LAUGHING]

[GROWLING]

[INTENSE MUSIC]

[GROWLS]

[GROWLS]

[CLICKS]

Thanks, Charlie.

[GRUNTS]

Ooh!

Gently, please!

[GROWLING]

[SCREAMING]

[GROWLING]

- Take your best shot.

[GROWLING]

[SCREAMING]

[WHIMPERING]

[LAUGHING]

[ROARING]

[SCREAMING]

Huh?

Coward!

Come back and fight like a man!

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[MYSTICAL MUSIC]

- Where'd he go?

- He ran away with histail
between his legs,

chicken shit barbarian!

[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC]

- Charlie, we got it.

- All right!

- JESSE: The skull is ours!
- CHARLIE: The skull is ours!

[CHEERING]

[ROARING]

- JESSE: Oh, no. Oh, no.

[UZI FIRING]

Come back! Wait!

- CHARLIE: Hey, Jess!
Don't lose it!

[SCREECHING]

- JESSE: It's this one.

- Go on, hurry up.

[LAUGHING]

Jess, don't worry.

If you fall, you'll die real fast.

- Thanks, Charlie.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[ANIMAL GRUMBLING]

[ANIMAL SNARLING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

- You're doin' great, Jess!

Keep going! Ow!

[LAUGHING]

What an idiot.

[JESSE GROANING]

[SCREECHING]

Shit.

[GASPING]

- Ow!

Ow!

[SCREECHING]

[PANTING]

Huh?

- Hey, Jess, lookin' good!

Wish I'd had a camera!

[LAUGHS]

- Okay.

Nice bird.

[SQUAWKS]

Nice birdie.

[SQUAWKS]

Jeez.

[LAUGHS]

[ANIMAL GRUMBLING]

All right.

[SQUAWKS]

[GROWLS]

- Come on, Jess.

[SQUAWKING]

- Let go!

[GROWLING]

[LOUD SQUAWKING]

[GROWLING]

- Jess!

[SHOUTING]

[SCREECHING]

Jess, you get outta there!
[SCREECHING]

Come on! Come on, Jess!
[SCREECHING]

[GROWLING]

Jess, it's comin' back!

Kick it! Come on, get it!

Aw, come on!

[SCREECHING]
[SCREAMING]

- JESSE: Catch me! Catch me!
[screeching]

Charlie, catch me!
[SCREECHING]

- CHARLIE: I got it.

- JESSE: Catch me!
- CHARLIE: I got you, Jess!

[SCREAMING]

[CRASHING]

- What the hell was that?

- It sounded like a bomb.

- Why didn't you use the stairs?

- Charlie, Charlie, you all right?

[GROANING]

[ANIMAL SNARLING]

- CHARLIE: I guess it's...

[GROANS]

[SCREAMS]

- Jess, get him off me!

He's eatin' my leg!

He's eatin' my.
[SCREAMS]

Get it off me!

Jess, it's eatin' me alive!

[GROANING]

[BARKING]

[LAUGHING]

[BARKING]

- Charlie. Charlie!

[SCREAMS]

[BARKING]

[SCREAMS]

- Hey, hey.

[LAUGHS]

[BARKS]

Hey, Jess, can we keep him?

- Well, who's gonna
take care of him, Charlie?

- I'll feed him,
change his water and stuff.

[SCREECHING]

- Charlie, help me.

[SCREECHING]

Charlie help me!

[BARKING]

- Don't forget the beer.

[SCREECHING SOFTLY]

- JESSE:
Come on. Come on.

Come on.

[GRUNTS]

[SCREECHING]

Get him.

[SCREECHING]

- Hey, Jesse?

- Damn!

- Charlie, hi.

- Hi, John.

Lana.

[SQUAWKING]

- JESSE: Easy. Easy.

Come on.

Come on, give it back.

There's nothin' to worry about.

- We heard a noise.

- Noise?
[MUFFLED SCREECHING]

[CLANGING]

Oh, oh, oh.
[JESSE BICKERING]

The really loud crashing noise.

- Yeah.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah, pretty much that one, yeah.

- Got ya!

[SCREECHING]

Give it.

Give it back! It's my skull!
[CHARLIE STAMMERING]

- In there's the kitchen.

- Yeah, yeah.

Look, we just wanna
know everything's okay.

- Couldn't be better.

- Oh, really? Good, yeah.

- Nice, nice bird.

[SCREECHING]

Okay, all right, all right, I know.

[CLANGING]

- Listen, I wanted to tell you
before the evening got away,

you are a funny, funny guy.

And I mean that.

That is the hardest commodity

to find in our business, really.

Look at this shirt, is this great?

Is this him?
- LANA: Yeah, it's goofy.

- You know, bananas, bananas.

[SCREECHING]

- JESSE: Stay!

[MUFFLED SCREECHING]

- Where's the beer?

- What are you doin' our here?

Quick, somebody's comin'!

- Yeah, they go all the
way around the back, they do.

[GRUNTS]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

- Ah ha.

- JESSE: Hi, John.

- Hi, buddy, what'scookin'
in the kitchen?

- Nothing.

- No?

And what might be in that closet there?

- Nothing.

- Nothing.

Well, can I see?

- John, I just told you,
there's nothing in the closet.

- Well, let me see nothing
in the closet.

It wouldn't happen to be

your old friend Rochelle
in there, would it?

- John, what is it you are
accusing me of in my own house?

- I'm not accusing you of anything.

I'm just asking a question,

but I do think Kate
would like an explanation.

- You want an explanation?

All right.

All right, I'll give you
an explanation.

Kate, Kate, get in here.
- KATE: What's going on here?

- JESSE: Kate,
I need to talk to you.

- Why are you yelling?

- I'm not yelling.

Now, Kate, you know
that since we've got here

there's been some strange things
going on in this house.

No, I, Charlie!

Char, they want an explanation,
I'm gonna give 'em one.

All right, now listen.

All right, now, Charlie and I,
last night,

went to the cemetery and we dug up

my great-great-grand father's grave.

'Cause we were looking
for a crystal skull.

It's supposed to be magic.

Anyway, we dug it up
and we got the skull,

but we also found
my great-great-grandfather.

He was dead, but he's alive,

I mean he's a mummy
and we brought him back

and he's been staying
in the basement.

And Charlie and
I've just been running

through this jungle trying to
get the skull back.

And that's who's in there

for your information,
Mr. Sherlock Holmes.

[SIGHS]

- Hi, Rochelle.

What are you doing in here?

[SLAMS]

There's been a mistake.

- Apparently.

- Uh, you don't understand.

- I understand perfectly.

- No, Kate, listen to me.

I have no idea
she was doing in there.

- Well, who did you
think was in there?

- A mummy!

Or maybe even a baby pterodactyl.

[SMACKS]
Ow.

[GRUNTS]

[SMACKS]

- Shame on you, Jesse.

- Look, it's a prehistoric bird!

[SQUAWKS]

Kate!

[CAR HONKING]

- Here, let me get those from you.

[HUFFS]

- CHARLIE: Good riddance.

She's outta here.

Now we can do whatever we want,

run around in our underwear,

phony phone calls,
all kinds of crazy...

- Shut up, Charlie!

Why can't you shut
your mouth just once?

- Surprise!

- Gramps, where's Rochelle?

- Watch this.

- Jesse.

- JESSE: Whoa.

- I waited so long for you.

- Uh-huh, Rochelle,
it's great to see you,

but I'm having some family
problems right now.

You understand?

Charlie, can you call
Rochelle a cab?

- Hey, Chucky.

- Hey, don't call me Chucky, okay?

- It was very sweet of you to come.

Thanks.

[SOFTLY SQUAWKING]

Hey there, birdie.

How 'bout a little trade, huh?

'Kay?

[SOFTLY SQUAWKING]

Come on, give it to Daddy.

Come on.

- CHARLIE: Whoa!

[SQUAWKING]

[CRIES]

I think he wants some more.

- CHARLIE:
I don't have any more steak.

[GRUNTS]

[LAUGHING]

[BARKING]

- Now, now, now,
I know that smells good,

I know it smells good.

Daddy's gonna have it ready
right away, right away.

That's a puppy.

Yep, yep, yep, I know.

I know. Daddy knows.

Daddy made the nana.

Open your mouth.

There.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

Yep, yep.

- Gramps?

I'm sorry I yelled at you.

You got me a little upset.

- Well, I, I was just hankerin'

to play a joke on somebody and...

I'm sorry it turned out to be you.

That's enough, Bippy.

Bippy, Bippy, that's enough.
[GROWLING]

Now don't you, Bippy.
[GROWLING]

[GROWLING]

[WHINING]

Oh, now look,
just come on out and play.

That's it. There you go.

- Um, Gramps, look,
I gotta get to bed.

Do you want me to put the skull
back in the fireplace?

- I'll, I'll take care of that.

[DOOR CREAKING]

[MYSTICAL MUSIC]

[CLINKING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[CLINKING]

[GUN CLACKING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[SHRILL BARKING][GASPS]

[BARKING]
[SIGHS]

[LAUGHING]

Bippy, you little rascal.

[LAUGHING]

You scared the be
Jesus out of me.

[INTENSE MUSIC]

[SMACKING]

[GROANING]
[BARKING]

[SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[BARKING]

[BIPPY WHINING]

[BARKING]

[URGENT BARKING]

- Gramps. Gramps.

[BARKING]

- Jesse, Jesse boy.

- JESSE: Are you all right?

- They bushwhacked me.

It musta been 30, 40 of 'em.

They come at me from all directions.

- Charlie, get up!

Charlie, come on. Charlie.

Charlie, wake up!

Get up!

Charlie, come on, come on,
come on, come on.

Oh, Jesus, Charlie, come on!

Charlie! Charlie, get up!

- Jess, this better be real important.

- Gramps lost the skull.

- He what?

- Somebody, I don't know who,
stole it.

He's dying Charlie.

We gotta get it back.

- After all we did for him,
he loses it!

I can't believe he did that, Jess!

I mean, I've never met anyone
so irresponsible!

You know I risked my life...

- Charlie!

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Yeah?

- Bill, Bill Towner, electrician.

- JESSE: Uh, Jesse McLaughlin.

- Nice to meet you, Jesse.

A young lady called, said you
needed some work done.

- She did, huh? Oh, wait...

- Where's the fuse box,
down there in the basement?

- Uh, listen, Bill,
I'm sorry to trouble you,

but this really isn't the right time.

- Hey, that's all right, Jess,

I'm not gonna get in your way.

You just show me what needs fixin'.

This is quite a room you got here.

Yeah, very, very nice.

That's a weird fireplace though.

- Yeah, uh, Bill...

- So what do we got in here?

Ah, there it is.

Freemon 240, these old houses
are loaded with 'em.

So this the room you're havin'
problem here with, Jess?

- Uh, yeah, all along this wall,

but the rest of the house is fine.

[GLASS SHATTERING]

I wouldn't worry about that, Jesse.

It didn't look too valuable.

Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

Just as I'd expected.

Jess, you got a problem here,

but hey, like with any problem,
you know,

you don't wanna let it
get the best of you.

You know, I've been
workin' on these houses,

oh, about 20 years now
and I've seen enough tragedy

and disaster to make you wanna
up chuck in your shorts.

You see, these old houses,
they just got minds of their own,

you know, and ya just gotta
teach 'em who's boss.

You know, sorta give 'em a spankin'.

[GLASS SHATTERING]

Huh, must be foreign made.

Well, I'm gonna fix this old
house up for you, Jess,

just like it's brand spankin' new.

[BUZZING AND BEEPING]

[WHIRRING]

- What is that?

- Shh.

[WHIRRING]

Uh-huh.

Oh.

Ooh.

- What, what do you hear?

- Ah, Jess, Jess, Jess, Jess.

It's not good.

I've seen this before and...

it's always made my adenoids curdle.

Oh, hey, don't monkey with
those switches, Jess.

It'll blow us both to Milwaukee.

It's touch and go from here, pal.

Could go either way, Jess.

Oh, yeah, yeah, Jess,

want to step into my office
here for a second?

Listen, buddy, I like
to be alone with my work,

so if you don't mind...

- Yeah.

- You got somethin' to do?

- Sure.

- Go do it, buddy, go do it.

Go do it.

[LAUGHING]

Nice kid.

[HEROIC MUSIC]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Whoops.

[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC]

Weird.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

- You see anything?

- Forget it.

I'm not goin' up there.

Gramps can get his own damn skull.

- Come on, Charlie,
Gramps said they went in here,

so don't wimp out on me now.

- Hey, buddy.

[SCREAMS]

Oh, scared ya, huh?

Relax.

- Oh, God, Bill, are you all right?

- Yeah, fine. Fine, fine.

- Who is this?

- Uh, Bill.

- Bill Towner, electrician.

- Charlie Coriell, entrepreneur.

- Uh, listen, fellas,

we got a little problem
in the other room.

I think you'd better come have a look.

- Look, Bill, I'm sorry, but this
really isn't a good time.

Why don't you pack it
up and come back tomorrow?

- I think we better go in
the other room and have a look.

[SIGHS]

Well, there it is.

Looks like you got some kind
of alternate universe

in there or somethin'.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

- Thanks.

Come on, Charlie.

- CHARLIE: Guess I'm next.

Jess, got any spiders in there?

'Cause you know I...

- You comin', Charlie?

- BILL: Hey,
I don't know you guys.

Look, that's an alternate dimension

in there or somethin' and...

- JESSE: Incredible.

- Well, hold on a second, will ya?

I've been through
this kinda thing before.

Just don't touch anything
till I get there.

[HEROIC MUSIC]

Looks like you're gonna need
the help of a professional.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

- You got a flashlight?

- Yeah.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

- JESSE: You know something?

I'm incredibly scared right now.

- CHARLIE: Don't be a fag, okay?

- JESSE: Shh! Listen.
[FAINT MURMURING]

I think it's coming from over there.

[MURMURING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[CHANTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[WOMAN WHIMPERING]

There it is.

- BILL: Yep.

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[WOMAN WHIMPERING]

Well, it's not gonna be easy.

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[WOMAN WHIMPERING]

- They're not gonna
sacrifice her, are they?

- Hey, Jess, now, now,
is she a virgin?

Because I've never seen one before

and she's really dynamite, man.

[SNICKERS]

[SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

- Hey!
[SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[GRUMBLING]

No, no!

- CHARLIE: Oh, boy.

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Well, hey, hey,
come on, come on.

Well, I'm sorry, we thought

that she was somebody
that we knew.

Go ahead, enjoy, it's okay.

[LAUGHING]

[SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Watch this.

Woohoo!

[SCREAMING]

[SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[GRUNTING]

[SCREAMING AND SHOUTING]

Whoa! Neat, huh?

[LAUGHING]

[INTENSE MUSIC]

[GRUNTING]

Hey, you!

[GRUNTING]

Thank you!

[SCREAMING]

[CLANGS]

[CLANGING]

Come on, come on.

- JESSE:
Get her out of here.

Whoa!

[GROANS]

[SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

- Jess!

[CHOKING]

[GROANING]

[SCREAMING]

[SIGHS]

[SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

- BILL:
Come on, get out of here.

I'll hold them off.

- Thing is, Billy, I don't
remember which way.

- Just follow the string.

- Come on!

- Bill, come on.

- Don't worry about me.

[BARBARIAN SCREAMS]

I gotta get home, my kid's
little league night.

[SCREAMING]

[GROANING]

[CLANGING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

- JESSE: Where's Bill?

I don't see him.

- CHARLIE: Go on!

Hey, Bill. All right!

- Oh, Charlie.

Good to see you back.

I started to get
a little concerned here.

- Hey, hey, Bill,
what are you doin' here?

- You know, you guys throw
one heck of a party

and I'd really like to thank you
for inviting me along.

Jess, it's been a pleasure

and miss,
it was a pleasure to meet you.

Oh, and Jess, listen, if you
need any more work done

just give me a call there, huh?

Take care, Charlie.

- CHARLIE: See ya.

[HEROIC MUSIC]

Who was that man?

[SNIFFS]

[GRUMBLING]

[SQUAWKING]

- Where the hell's the food?

- I'll go check.

[SCREECHING]

- And tell him we're starvin'.

[BARKING]

- You know, I've been watchin' her

and she really likes you.

Seriously, she likes you.

- Come on, Charlie.

- I'm serious.

Watch.

Who do you like better, me or him?

Me, Charlie, fun, you know,
crazy guy, nut,

or him?

[WHACKS]

I rest my case, Jess.

[WHACKS]

Ow!

- All right.

Well, if everybody's hungry
let's dig in while it's hot.

- Uh, Jess, shouldn't we say grace?

You know, say a few nice words
about God or whoever.

- Um...

[SERENE FIDDLE MUSIC]

All right, I guess I'd just like to...

thank everyone for their special
contribution to the meal

and to say that I guess
I think of all of you

as, well, my family now.

[PURRING]

[BARKING]

- That was well put, son.

Now, let's eat.

[SQUAWKS]

- Yeah.

[GROWLING]
[INTENSE MUSIC]

[SCREECHING]

[GROWLING]

[INTENSE MUSIC]

- Slim...

you low down weasel.

I've been waitin' for you.

- SLIM: Long time, partner.

[GROWLS]

- GRAMPS: Charlie!

He's mine.

I knew you'd catch up
with me sooner or later.

[GROWLS]
[GUNSHOT FIRES]

[SCREAMING]

- Gramps!

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[SHRIEKS]

[WHIMPERING]

Gramps.

[SHOUTS]

[CRASHING]

Charlie!

[SCREAMING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[GROANING]

- After all this time...

he got me.

You're gonna need this.

He's the one that killed
your ma and pa.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[BANGS]

[GUN CLICKS]

[CLINKING]

[GUN CLICKS]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[GLASS SHATTERING]

[GROANS]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

- Oh, my God.

[MUFFLED SHOUTING]

Charlie!

[MUFFLED SHOUTING]

- Get out or he's gonna kill ya!

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[HOOVES CLACKING]

[GROWLING]

[HORSE WHINNYING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[GUNSHOTS FIRING]

[GROWLING]

[GUNSHOT FIRES]

[GUNSHOT FIRES]

[GUNSHOT FIRES]

[GUNSHOT FIRES]

[GUNSHOT FIRES]

[GROWLING]

[GROWLS]

[GUNSHOT FIRES]

[SCREAMING]

[LAUGHING]
[SCREAMING]

[GLASS SHATTERING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[GUN CLACKING]

[GROWLING]

[SPURS CLINKING]

[GROWLS]

[GUNSHOT FIRES]

[GUNSHOTS FIRING]

[GLASS SHATTERING]

[GUN CLACKS]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

- Jesse.

[GUNSHOTS FIRING]
[GROANS]

[SIREN BLARING]

- VOICEOVER: You and you,
come with me around back.

- VOICEOVER:
A possible sniper holdup

in the 175 Woodacre Drive...

- What's up, Eddy?

- Sheriff, we got a crazy in there

shootin' up the whole neighborhood.

- The old McLaughlin place.

- That's right.

We just found out who owns the place.

Jesse McLaughlin.

He's old Clarence's son.

Just moved in a couple of days ago.

- Clarence's son?

- Yeah.

- Well, he's movin' out tonight.

I'm gonna talk to that sucker.

His name was?

- Jesse.

- Jesse!

We have the place surrounded.

Why don't you come out peacefully

and give yourself up?

We don't want anybody to get hurt.

[INTENSE MUSIC]

[GROANS]

[GROWLING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[GROWLING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[MYSTICAL MUSIC]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

- SLIM: Now it's mine!

[BLASTS]
[GROANS]

[GUNSHOT FIRES]

[GUNSHOT FIRES]

- VOICEOVER: Get down!

Hold your fire!

- What the hell's goin' on in there?

[GROANING]

[GUNSHOTS FIRING]

[GROANING]

[GUN CLACKING]

[GUNSHOT FIRES]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

- VOICEOVER: Hold your fire!

[GENTLE MUSIC]

- Did you blow his head off?

[PANTING]

[CHUCKLING]

That's a good boy.

[CHUCKLING]

I thought for sure he's kick your ass.

[CHUCKLING]

But I didn't let on though,
did I, son?

- JESSE: No, no,
you didn't, Gramps.

[COUGHING]

- This is it, kid.

[GROANING]
- You're not gonna die.

The skull's right here.

- Oh, it don't make
no difference no more, son.

I've done all I can
do in this world...

and it's time to move on.

- No, no, don't.

- You get what you want
from this old skull.

I got somethin' real special.

I got to meet
my great-great-grandson

and had a hell of a time.

You figure what you want...

and then...

get rid of the God damn thing.

- JESSE: No.

Come on.

Come on, Gramps.

Hold on.

Hold on, Gramps.

I love you, Gramps.

- I love you too, Jesse.

[BITTERSWEET FIDDLE MUSIC]

- Jesse, this is your last chance.

Come out with your hands up!

I'm gonna count to 10

and then we're coming in firing.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

One...

- VOICEOVER: There's
something in the window!

- SHERIFF: Two...

[INTENSE MUSIC]

Three...

Four...

Five...

Six...

Seven...

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Eight...

[GASPS]

Nine.
[GUNSHOT FIRES]

[GROANS]

- VOICEOVER: Take cover!
Sheriff's down!

[GUNSHOT FIRES]

[GUNSHOTS FIRING]

[GUNSHOTS FIRING]

[GASPS]

[GUNSHOTS FIRING]

- VOICEOVER: We need backup!

[GUNSHOTS FIRING]

[FIRE RUMBLING]

[MYSTICAL MUSIC]

[GUNSHOTS FIRING]

- VOICEOVER:
Keep firing!

[SHOUTING]
[GUNSHOTS FIRING]

[SQUAWKING]

[WHINING]

[BARKING SOFTLY]

[MYSTICAL MUSIC]

[SERENE MUSIC]

[BARKING]

[ADVENTUROUS WESTERN MUSIC]

- JESSE: Hyah!

[ENERGETIC BLUEGRASS MUSIC]