House Calls (1978) - full transcript

Good morning,
ladies and gentlemen.

We are making our descent
into Los Angeles right now.

We hope you had
a pleasant trip

and that you`ll
be flying to Hawaii

with us again soon.

Have a nice day.

Mahalo.

As you see,
nothing`s changed around here.

l really appreciate your taking my patients while l was away, Normie.

Come on.
What`s a partner for?

Well, a partner`s to take
an occasional weekend,



l took three months
in the islands.

What`s that?
What?

That thing on your face.
What is that?

You like it?

Yeah. What`re you doing,
changing your lifestyle?

I'm so sorry.
Dr. Solomon, I'm sorry.

Hi, Lani.

Dr. Nichols?

Wow, l didn`t even
recogniZe you.

I'm really sorry
about your wife.

Oh, thanks.
Thank you very much.

That`s very
thoughtful of you.

That`s a dynamite beard.

Ah, you like it?



Uh, did you get
the little card l sent you?

I certainly did.

That was very
thoughtful of you.

So, uh, how`s it going?

Your patient`s
expiring, Lani.

Oh, right!

Uh, by the way,
I'm only working days now.

What, uh, little card?

Here they are.

All from women?

Almost all of them
from unattached women.

I also got
several house plants,
a carrot cake

and some baked
breasts of chicken

packed in dry ice.

Dear Charles,

if there is ever anything
I can do to help,

anything at all,

for I too know
what it is to be lonely,

please do not
hesitate to call.

Sincerely, Tracy Roberts.

Jesus, she even gives
her work, home,

and answering-service numbers.

Sure you didn`t murder Emily?

And there`s twice
as much mail at home.

Good looking, presentable,

widows, singles, divorcees,

practically all of them
young, young, young.

Charley, you`re embarrassing.

I mean, you`re such a cliche.

Here you are,
a middle-aged man,

suddenly finds himself alone,
grows a beard,

goes berserk
with his sexual fantasies.

Please, stop
with the Psychology 101 .

ln all your life,
you never screwed around.

ln all my life,
I never had a chance.

My last actual date was 1945.

August, 1945.

When I was married
at 21, l was a virgin.

I knew there was
something wrong with you.

So now you`re gonna
make up for lost time?

I sure as hell
am going to try.

You want to know
what I think?
No.

Your eyes are
bigger than your putZ.

Dr. Griffin,

I have a long-distance call.

Dr. Griffin,

I have a long-distance call.

Dr. Willoughby.

Huh?

Your watch is buZZing.

What`s that?

I said, how are you feeling?

Fine, fine.

All right,
now quit lollygagging.

This is a hospital,
not a pool hall.

Good morning!

Good morning! Good Morning!

How are we getting on?
Comfy, I see.

Ah, yes, excellent, excellent.

I'm Dr. Willoughby.

I took care of you
after the accident.

No, no, no.
No, that`s quite all right.

No thanks necessary.

Well, I must be getting out.

I want you to try to get some
rest, Mrs., uh, Kensington--

No! Oh, Kensington, no, no.

That`s the name
of the hospital,
isn`t it?

Kensington General.

Ah, yes, of course,
Mrs. Atkinson.

You should be out of here
in no time, Mrs. Atkinson.

Just keep smiling.
Have a nice day.

Going out for lunch,
going out for dinner.

The whole day is craZy.

Listen, why don`t you
knock off early tonight,

and we`ll have
a couple drinks?

Adrienne and l
are taking the kids
to the ice show.

You want to double?

What is that?
A Vincent Price movie?

What the hell
happened in there?

A domestic accident.
Brought in last night.

Who put that thing on him?

lt`s a her, and I'll
give you three guesses.

Willoughby?

Holy jumping catfish.

Who let the old fart
into the operating room?

The surgeon on duty
was probably off
schtupping the night nurse.

So who`s gonna stop him?
Some intern?

This is our
distinguished Chief of Staff.

Jesus! What a place.
The Chief of Staff is senile

and the Chief of Medicine
is 10 years older.

Look at this:

Hairline mandibular
fracture.

Simplest thing in the world.
Two bits of wire,
she`s as good as new.

My God! Nobody`s used
a contraption like that
in 50 years.

Well, look at the bright side.

Usually, when Willoughby
doesn`t know what to do,

he removes a gallbladder.

I'm gonna go in there
and take it off.

Are you nuts?

Twelve more hours
in that thing,

that woman will be
talking through her ears.

That`s Willoughby`s patient.

So? He`ll haul me in front
of the Ethics Committee?

At most,
take away your license.

The least,
get you kicked off staff.

Would you like it
if some other doctor
grabbed your patient?

Well, that`s different.

Oh! Depends on where you sit,
doesn`t it, Charley?

Come on,
don`t be a fool.

Well, maybe you`re right.

Damn. lt`s a shame.

Probably a very
attractive woman.
Was, anyway.

Come on, Charley,
she won`t die of it.

You know, she`ll spend
the rest of her life

eating over her shoulder.

I wonder if I should
talk to Willoughby.

ln what language?

Yeah, I know
what you mean.

Norman?
Yes.

What if there was a surgeon

whose wife
recently passed away

and he came back
to work too soon

not knowing that he
was still in a state

of deep emotional shock?

You`ve been in
the sun too long, Charley.

Now, this fellow
would never take

another doctor`s
patients knowingly.

But this time,
deranged with grief...

That`s what
you`ll tell Willoughby?

No, you are.
Oh, Charley!

You can do it, Norman.
Just be charming.

Hi, I'm Dr. Nichols.

Mrs. Ann Atkinson.

Ann, what I'm going to do

is take that football helmet
right off your head. Okay?

lt`s done its work.
Just relax.

So much for the preliminary
part of your treatment.

Now, your injury, thank God,
isn`t too serious.

Yeah, feels better,
doesn`t it?

What I propose to do

is to insert a piece
of wire on either side

until your jaw heals.

lt won`t be noticeable,

and we`ll take it out
within two or three weeks.

That is, if you`d
like me to do it.

Dr. Erlich,
call extension 216.

Dr. Erlich, 216.

No fart?
Oh, old fart.

Okay. No, I won`t let
the old fart
anywhere near you.

I promise.

Now, as I say,
this is a simple procedure.

Nevertheless, it`s surgery,

and we should
notify your husband.

Oh, he`s dead?

Wounded?

Uh, divorced? Mmm.

Kids?

Boy?

Shall I call him?

Okay. You`re the boss.

Uh, let`s see.

No allergies,

blood type O.

Ah, I never
would have guessed.

You don`t look
a day over 30, uh....

All right, you could
get away with that.

Course, you have
a little tissue breakdown

around the jowl department.

But that`s to be expected
at your age.

I've got an idea.
While you`re on the table,

why don`t I take in
a tuck here and a tuck there?

I'll be in the neighborhood.

Okay, if you want
to go through life

looking like a chipmunk,
that`s your hang-up.

No. Try not to laugh.

That`s not good for you.

Hello.
This is Dr. Nichols. l...

Fine.

Uh, no, thanks very much.
That`s very kind of you.

Thank you.

Listen, I want
to prepare a patient

for surgery
this afternoon.

What have you got open?

Great, thanks.

We`re all set.

Nice chatting with you.

Please, Dr. Willoughby,
please.

Listen to me.

He stole my patient.

Wait a second. Amos.

Ever since his wife died,

he`s been
deranged with grief.

Bullshit.

There`s such a thing
as ethics, Dr. Silverman.

Solomon.
Huh?

Solomon.
My name is Norman Solomon.

Who`s Silverman?

An endocrinologist.

Hasn`t been here
in five years.

A what?

A gland man.

Oh, yes. Yes!
Thyroid and all that.

Charley Nichols is the finest
surgeon on the staff.

That`s a moot point.

He made an ass out of me.
I'm gonna file a complaint.

End of discussion.
Believe me,

he didn`t consciously
make an ass out of you.

He`s been under
tremendous stress lately.

Charley has
the highest regard for you.

Do you know
what he calls you?

Yes.

He calls me the old fart.

No, sir. Not Charley.

He calls you
Golden Hands Willoughby.

Golden Hands?
Yes, sir.

Silverman,
you`re a goddamn liar.

Solomon.

Solomon, Silverman,

what difference does it make?

We`re all the same.

That`s why I think
there should only be
one blood type.

Type O.

Or A.

This isn`t my car.

Why do all Cadillacs
look alike?

This isn`t a Cadillac.

lt isn`t?
Mmm-mmm.

Don`t think I don`t know
what`s going on around here.

I've been watching you
younger men cover up for me.

Don`t you think I did
the same thing in my time?

Soon they`ll be doing it
to you, too, Silverman.
Don`t think they won`t.

My name is Solomon,
and I'm sure you`re right.

Damn right,
I'm right.

A man devotes
his entire life
to medicine,

he surely deserves a little
something in return.

I agree with you
100 percent,

and I'm sure Charley
feels the same way.

Believe me, Dr. Willoughby.

lf you`ll just
let him stay on here,

you`ll always
have a loyal friend.

How loyal?

How loyal do you want?

I'll tell you.

My term as Chief of Staff
expires pretty soon.

September 15.

Stop counting the days,
God damn it!

No, no, no Dr. Willoughby.
I didn`t mean to imply...

You did too.
Now, Listen carefully

I want another term.

But you said yourself,
Charley was next in line.

Provided Charley`s
still on the staff.

You want him not to run?

What good would that do?

You`ll never get
the other guys to back you.

I believe that difficulty
can be overcome.

How?

lf Charley were
to nominate me.

Young man,
I've got a pacemaker,

10 inches of plastic aorta,

a corneal transplant,
a colostomy pouch,

one and one-quarter kidneys,
a hearing aid,

and no prostate at all.

ln other words, Dr. Silverman,

if I'm elected
for another five years,

the odds are
that I will expire

before my term will.

I'll discuss it
with Charley.

You do that.

Oh, shit!

God damn it!
Whose car is that?

Mine.

So you don`t have to leave
a note on the windshield.

Good. I hope you have
insurance, Solomon,
because I don`t.

Now the son of a bitch
remembers my name.

On a clear night,

you can see
all the way to Catalina.

When was the last clear night?

I don`t know.
Before I moved in, I guess.

I can`t tell you how thrilled
and surprised I was

that you called.

I can`t tell you how thrilled
and surprised I was

that you answered.

You have a very
infectious laugh.

Don`t worry.

That`s the only thing
about me that is.

Ah, you`re
a wonderful person.

Thank you.

You know, I'm really glad
you enjoyed the concert.

I was a little worried.

l didn`t think you`d
get off on his music.

Yeah, l enjoyed
the experience immensely.

Before tonight,
I'd never even

heard of
a BoZ Scraggs.

Oh, BoZ Scaggs.

Would you like to hear
some more of his music?

Oh, no, thank you.
Thank you very much.

I've heard....

I've heard....
lt`s wonderful music.

l, uh....
lt`s so much to abs-absorb.

lt`s a nice pad
you got here.

Oh, thank you.

Um, you haven`t even
touched your wine.

Can l get you
something else to drink?

Like orange juice,
tomato, pineapple?

Prune?

Do you have any cranapple?

Uh, no, I'm sorry, l don`t.

Would you like some coke?

No, thank you.

lf you don`t have cranapple,
I'll pass.

Would you like to dance?

Yeah.
Oh, great!

You know, Dr. Nichols,
you`re a wonderful dancer.

Thank you, very much.
lt`s Charley.

You know, Charley, uh,
you make me a little nervous.

Me? Why?

Uh, well, I've never been out
with anyone like you before.

Well, residents and interns,
sure, but, uh...

a famous surgeon....

Uh, may l ask you
a favor?

Oh, sure.
Anything, anything at all.

You, uh, you promise not to
tell anybody at the hospital

that, uh, you balled me?

Missed the old chin, huh?

Hi, Normie.

Let me look at you.
Why?

Why? Last night was your debut
as Casanova, wasn`t it?

Well, how did it go?

l don`t know,
but she laughed a lot.

Why are you
losing the beard?

Apparently, l inflicted a third-
degree whisker burn on the girl.

Oh, poor kid.

Yeah.

Actually, l was toying
with the idea

of leaving
the moustache on.

But then l thought
it made me look sinister.

l don`t think sinister
is a good image for a surgeon.

Gentlemen.

lrwin, what`s the problem?

Ah-ha, you guys.

Now, why do you always assume
there`s a problem?

Because you run

one of the more
inept hospitals

in all of southern
California.

Look, l know you
fellows are busy.

lf l can tear you away from your
land investments and corporations,

l need a favor.

What`s more important?
What`s the favor?

There`s a panel discussion
on Channel 36 tomorrow

called How Healthy
ls The Medical Profession?

How would we know?

They`ve asked us to send over
one of our senior staff members,

and l thought, since you two
are so articulate, that....

When did you
shave the beard?

What beard?

What do you say, Charley?

lf one of us doesn`t go,
who`s the backup?

Willoughby.
l see what you mean.

Work it out.

Listen, what about
the O`Neill play?

l think l got you
an Easter special.

Another rabbit?

Don`t be nervous, Doc.
lt`s public television.

Nobody will be watching.

That`s funny

and that`s a blessing, too.

How long you been
in this racket?

Uh, about six years.

Who`s on this thing?

Uh, you from the
medical profession

and a guy from
Health, Education, and Welfare

and some broad representing
the general public.

That`s me.

Remember me? Atkinson?

Mrs. Atkinson!

l haven`t seen you
in a while.

l haven`t broken
my jaw in a while.

You`ve shaved off
your beard.

Oh, yes, yes.
You remembered.

How are you feeling?

Fine.
Thanks to you, just fine.

You on the panel, too?
Yes.

How come?

I'm the obligatory bigmouth.

lt`s true. The producer`s
a friend of mine.

He knows that if...
Why are you staring at me?

Well, l haven`t seen you....
Excuse me a minute.

l haven`t seen you
since l took the stitches out.

Hmm, it`s not bad.

Not bad?

l look fantastic.

Actually, I'm very glad
to meet you

because l didn`t thank you
properly for all you did.

Oh, come on.

You stuck your neck
way out for me.

Nonsense.

My nurse told me they were
laying odds of 2-to-1

that you`d be defrocked,
or destethoscoped,

or whatever it is
they do to doctors.

Quite a talker,
your nurse.

Well, it`s sociable
during an enema.

Showtime, folks.

Since the 19th century

and the advancement
of medical science,

the physician has assumed

a godlike role
in American society.

But whatever happened
to the old family doctor?

Making house calls
in the middle of the night,

driving through a bliZZard,
the wind howling,

temperature way below Zero,

snow pelting down.
What happened to him?

He caught cold
and died, l suppose.

lt`s true. The old
family practitioner is gone.

But it still takes
incredible dedication
to become a doctor today.

Yes, yes.

First, the difficulty of
getting into medical school...

Yes. ln view of all this,
what advice would you have

for a young person
who wants to go into medicine?

My advice is always the same
and always simple.

Marry money.

But seriously,
Dr. Nichols.

What became
of the house calI'`?

Listen, it`s a matter
of practicality.

Are you serious?

lntensely, sir.

Well, today, you`ve got
a situation

where a doctor can handle
five patients in his office

in the same time it takes
to make one house call.

Therefore, you have
five people who are helped
instead of one.

Also five people who are
charged instead of one.

Beg your pardon?

l said, also five people
who are charged.

Our mail in this area is--

l prefer to think of it
as five patients being helped.

Do you indeed? Money, of course,
is of no consequence.

Good medical care
is not cheap.

Neither is bad medical care.

l read in a magaZine,
over the past 20 years,

doctors have become
the highest-paid income group

in the entire country.

Uh, Mrs. Atkinson, no offense,

but you don`t know what
the hell you`re talking about.

Do you know how much it costs
to run a medical practice?

Take a simple
routine checkup.

I'd love to.
l can`t afford one.

There`s the urine analysis,

the chest plates,
the liver function,

the blood count,
the electrocardiogram...

The Mercedes, the Gucci loafers,
the conventions in Acapulco.

I've never been to Acapulco.
What are you talking about?

As a matter of fact,
you know that...

Excuse me. l would like
to ask a question.

Would you excuse me?
Thank you.

l want to know why, when the bills
come in, it always says:

Make checks payable
to lnternal Medicines, lnc.

or Surgical Procedures, lnc.

lsn`t there
something peculiar

about all these
incorporated doctors?

What the hell
is so peculiar....

ls it okay to say helI'`?

Yes.
You said it before.

Thousands of
doctors incorporate.

Yes, but...

Just one moment please.
Albert SchweitZer didn`t.

He was not in our tax bracket.

Look, l know that there are
a lot of things wrong

with the medical profession.

Who said that?
They must be craZy.

Believe me,
we are trying to change it,

but it must be done slowly
and patiently and tactfully.

Tactfully?
Yes.

Perhaps you could tell me
what is tactful

about a road-traffic accident?

lf l am smashed to pieces
by a car...

That`s very, very provoking.

Thank you, Mrs. Atkinson,
Dr. Nichols, Mr. Quinn.

Next week,
our program will be

Transvestism: Aberration
or Alternate Lifestyle?

l didn`t ask
to be born in England.

Just as you didn`t ask
to be born in America.

What`s left is spiritualism,
or reincarnation, or suttee.

What about lndian suttee,
perhaps we could go to lndia?

Your producer friend
was right.

You do have a big mouth.

Oh, we were just saying

you defended
yourself brilliantly.

l couldn`t get
a word in edgewise.

But when you did,
they were masterful.

l wouldn`t go
to masterful.

We would, right?

Yes, we`ll get
an enormous response.

l need more
practice at this.

What l need is
a cup of coffee.

I'll buy.

Thank you.

I'm sorry. l can`t
remember your first name.

Ann.

I've always
liked that name.

Thank you, Doctor.

Mine`s Charley.
Really? I've always
liked that name.

You`re kidding.
No, it was my mother`s.

lt`s my own fault.

lf l hadn`t been
so conscientious,

you wouldn`t be
talking now.

What do you do when you`re not
humiliating people on TV?

Cheesecake.

You pose in the nude?

That`s not a bad idea.

lt would certainly
pay better.

No, l bake the best cheesecake
in Greater Los Angeles.

You`re kidding.

l am not. l not only
bake it, l sell it.

To whom?

Oh, parties, restaurants,
strangers in the street.

That`s how l got
my jaw fractured.

By strangers?

By cheesecake. l was cooking
and the oven door burst open.

You`re kidding.

That`s the fourth time
you`ve said that.

Said what?
You`re kidding.

What?

You`re kidding.

Do l say that a lot?

l guess, l prefer it
to the phrase,

what do they use today, uh,
You`re putting me on.

How long have you
been divorced?

Oh, about a year. You?

My wife died
a few months ago.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Why`d your marriage
break up?

Why do you
want to know?

Prurient curiosity.

Real curiosity.

He found a younger woman,
didn`t he?

Two coffees, please.

Not that l think
you`re that old.

Thank you very much.

Yes, he did find
a younger woman.

Several, in fact,
and several older women,

and quite a few
about the same age.

Why did you stay
married to this goat?

l knew l should leave him.
l kept thinking:

Perhaps it`s my fault.

Perhaps there`s
some deep need in him

that I'm not satisfying.

Well, he did have
a deep need:

He wanted to break
the North American
humping record.

This is none
of my business.

Hasn`t stopped you
so far.

What do you live on,
alimony?

l mean, cheesecakes,
TV shows,

those aren`t things

that a person
makes a living at.

l don`t believe
in alimony.

You`re kidding.

See, you did it again.

Skip supports our son.
Skip?

l know, isn`t it
a dreadful name?

lt`s the only one
he`d answer to.

He supports our son,
but why me?

I'm strong and healthy.

What`s your situation now?
You working?

l think it`s what you Yanks
call tap city.

Hey, there might be
a temporary opening

at Ken Gen.

Where?

Kensington General Hospital.

Really? I've always wanted
to be a doctor.

l was thinking
of the admitting office.

The girl there is
off on her honeymoon.

Nothing that`ll
tax the mind...

What would l
have to do?

Just smile.
Say, Hello.

Welcome to
Kensington General.

Sit down. Relax.

You`re gonna be
perfectly okay.

Then you help them
fill out the usual forms.

The usual forms being where
they sign away their homes,

savings, insurance,
and all other property,

real and personal, huh?

See, you`re a natural.

I'll have a prune
Danish, please.

We`re out of prune.
How about a kummel?

Excuse me.

Are you waiting
for the elevator?

Yes, l am.

Where are you?

I'm in the elevator.
lt`s stuck.

What?

lt`s stuck.
Something jammed.

Does anybody know?

Want me to call maintenance?

No, we`ve already
talked to them.

Uh, don`t talk.
Save the oxygen.

l told them to save
the oxygen, not to talk.

They won`t, Amos,
they won`t.

Listen, did you get that--
the memo l sent you?

Memo. Memo?
What memo, Fred?

lrwin.

l-lrwin.

The memo l sent you
about the nursery

for the newborn infants.

We already have a nursery.

Yeah, well,
l know that, but....

Most hospitals today have

closed-circuit television
in the nurseries.

For newborn babies?
That`s insane.

What the hell are
they gonna watch?

They can`t even focus.

Do you have
the correct time?

Uh, yeah, yeah.
Yes, it`s five minutes--

Any allergies?

No.

Bowel or bladder disorders?

Not that l know of.

Occupation?

Baseball.

Position?

Owner.

Waiver of responsibility.
What does that mean?

Whatever happens,
it`s not our fault.

l see we have you down
for a semi-private room.

Semi...semi-private?

How many in a
semi-private room?

Eight.

Oh, no.

I'll give you two
season tickets

for a private room.

I'm English.

Good morning, Ellen.

Oh, hi!

How the hell
are you, Harry?

How the hell
do you think l am?

Amos, this is
taking forever.

Girl, why is...

why is this
taking forever?

We have to fill out
the forms, sir.

This is
Mr. Harry Grady.

Mr. Grady doesn`t
fill out forms.

Not in my hospital.

Just make sure

he gets the best private room
in the place.

Sir, all the private rooms
are full.

What`s the problem?
Send somebody home.

lf l ran my ball club
the way he runs this hospital,

we`d be
in last place.

You are.

Bye, Sarah.

Thanks for the granola,
l loved it.

My pleasure.

Hello, Doctor!
Yeah.

Oh, hello.
l...I'm Mrs. Grady.

Oh, hi.
Hi.

Could you tell me how to get
to Amos Willoughby`s office?

Amos Willoughby?
Yeah.

Oh, sure.

You, uh, take the elevator
down to the first floor,

make a left turn

all the way down
to the end of the corridor,

there`s
a brass band there

playing Hail To The Chief
and....

No, I'm only kidding.
lt says Chief of Staff.

You know, nothing`s
working in there,

the nurse`s call button
is broken,

the TV only gets
the Mexican station.

Oh, you don`t
speak Spanish?

Oh, no.

lt`s a good way
to learn.

Well, I'll see that somebody
comes up and fixes it.

Okay, thank you.

You, uh....
How is Mr. Grady?

Oh, fair.
Good.

You`re a big
baseball fan, huh?

No.

How did you meet him?

Oh, at Toot`s Shors.
l was checking coats.

Ah!

l suppose you wanted
to get into show business?

Oh, yes.
l knew that,

`cause you`re certainly
pretty enough.

Thank you.

Well, nice to have met you.
I'm on my lunch hour.

Oh, thank you
for the directions, Doctor....

Nichols.
Charles Nichols.

Oh, thank you, Dr. Nichols.
Thank you.

Dr. O`Brien,
you`re wanted at 2-7-1.

Dr. O`Brien, 2-7-1.

Dr. Devee,
you have a phone call.

Dr. Devee,
you have a phone call.

Hi, Normie.
Hi, Charley.

You`re not gonna
eat that, are you?

Oh, no.

God, you look
terrible.

l know. l don`t sleep
too well on waterbeds.

Aren`t you bored
with these all-nighters?

Not yet,
I'll keep you posted.

Tuna surprise, Darrell.
Thank you.

l, uh, saw you talking
to Ellen Grady in the hall.

Mmm-hmm.
Very cute.

Oh, yeah. She, uh...
You know, she looks

like Judy Holliday,
that actress. Remember?

Oh, yeah?
The one that died.

Yeah? You gonna
make a move on her?

Are you kidding?

Her husband`s
in the hospital.

You are. You`re gonna
make a move on her.

What?

Charlie, you`re turning
into a male nymphomaniac.

Oh, hi, Gretchen.

Hello, Dr. Nichols.

Pay the lady.

Mr. Belldizant.
Call the operator.

Morning.

...call the operator please.

Excuse me, sir.

Does anybody know you`re here?

How long have you been
riding up and down?

Oh, excuse me.

Do you happen to know
if there`s a patient missing?

Patient missing?
Today?

No, no, it could have
happened yesterday.

We found the one
that was missing yesterday.

Good.
No, l haven`t heard
about the one today.

lf you should hear,
would you try Elevator 2?
Elevator 2?

What about the lady
with the fractured jaw?

Ann Atkinson?
Yeah.

What`s happening
with her?

She`s not
the hit-and-run type.

Excellent lunch date,
however.

Boy, what a hardhead.
She`s got opinions

about everything in
the whole goddamn world.

Aren`t you
a little hungry

for some
intellectual stimulation?

Over lunch, yeah.
lt`s okay.

But at night,
l want something else.

Although Edith Baskin
is fairly intelligent.

The foxy lawyer
from the racket club?

l don`t believe it.

I'm seeing her tonight.

You know how to get
to Hillside Ave.?

You go down
Foothill to Market

and then make a right.
l live there. 321 .

Mind you, it`s the low-rent
side of the street.

Why don`t you
sit down?

Thank you.

Nothing warms
my heart more

than lunching
with rich doctors.

Ann, do you
really think

that I'm in this
just for the money?

No. l think you are
a dedicated healer,

and something
of a pussycat.

Um, is it my imagination

or does Dr. Willoughby
get craZier by the hour?

Uh, no, the minute.

lf you`ll excuse me,

I've gotta go
slice up a few people.

I'm a little short
on money.

What`s the matter
with him?

l don`t think he likes
to talk about Willoughby.

Why not?

Well, Amos wants to run

for a new term
as Chief of Staff.

Yeah, but, obviously, nobody`s
going to vote for him.

So he`ll be out,
and that`ll be all right.

Charley will vote
for him.

Do you really
have to go, Charley?

Yeah.

I know this sounds stupid,
but I get seasick.

I understand.

Well, anyway, thank you
for the dinner, Charley.

Thanks for the dessert,
Edith.

Sorry about the waterbed.

Oh, that`s okay.

l could use
a good night`s sleep, anyway.

Call you manana.

Ma, l just don`t know
how to deal with her.

You don`t have
to deal with her.

You`re a child.
She has to deal with you.

Mom, why can`t l live
with you full-time?

You`re beginning to sound
like Little Orphan Annie.

You know the agreement.

Six months with me,
six with your father.

And he won`t budge.

Have you found another guy?

Mind your own business.
Move your feet.

And would you
please stop playing

with those very
expensive lemons?

Who says your Ma
ain`t a genius?

Okay, what did you forget?

Beg your pardon?

Who is this?

l don`t know you very well,
but don`t you ever say hello?

Hello. Who is this?

Dr. Nichols. Charley.

What are you doing here
at this time of night?

May l use your phone?

l got into my car,
my battery died.

Oh, I am sorry.
When are the services?

Press the buZZer.

Don`t you
ever say, please?

Please.

Would you press it again?
Please?

Who is this?

Come on, will you?
Stop kiddin` around.

Ah!

Oh, you shouldn`t
have bothered.

lt`s beautiful.

Thank you.
l was married in it.

Enchanting.

The phone?

Oh, there.

l got to call
the auto club.

Now, don`t be too long,

I'm expecting
an obscene phone call.

l hope you don`t mind
my asking,

but shouldn`t you be
with what`s-her-name?

You know, the little girl
who lives down the lane?

Edith Baskin.

Edith Baskin.

Why aren`t you up there
using her phone?

Oh, uh, l had already
said good night.

And thank you, l hope.

Yes. And it would`ve
been an anticlimax.

And then l remembered

that you lived
down the street.

Hello, Auto?
Uh, Dr. Charles Nichols here.

Charles Nichols, right.
l got a dead battery.

Mercedes-BenZ.

Last time l looked
it was burgundy.

197 4.

Oh, what the hell.

1-2-0-4-7-9-3-5-8.

320 Hillside.

What`s the nearest
cross street?

Third.

Bird.

Wait a minute.
Hold on a second. Bird?

Third, T-H.

Third.

Th-third and Hillside. Right.
20 minutes, thank you.

Won`t be here
for another 20 minutes.

Got anything cold
to drink?

Juice, soda.

Got any low-fat milk?

l expect so.

Who`s the basketball player,
Michael?

Uh-huh.

Looks exactly
like his old man.

How do you know?

`Cause he doesn`t look
anything like you.

What`s this?

Cheesecake.

Edith Baskin,
is she brunette

rather thick-waisted,
and much too much eye makeup?

Yeah, something
like that.

Mmm-hmm. l think I've seen her
at the beauty parlor.

Well, l only know her
slightly myself.

l removed a wart
last year.

How did you know
where to stop?

Please, no jokes. I'm beat.

All that fuss and bother,
shaving twice in the same day.

All that smiling,
all that pretending

you`re interested
in what she`s saying.

Must be hell
being a great lover.

Mmm!

This is absolutely superb.
Mmm. Did you really make it?

You know l did.

Mmm!
lt`s great.
Thank you.

Better than anything
l had tonight,
l can tell you that.

And a lot cheaper,
I'll bet.

You can say that again.

As a matter of interest,
how much does it cost

being a great lover
these days?

l don`t know.
l never stopped to figure.

Well, how much were
the flowers you sent?

What makes you think
l sent flowers?

People of your generation
always send flowers.

Okay, l sent flowers.

How much?

Thirty dollars.

What are you doing?

Oh, just a little figuring.
Oh, Come on.

What about transportation?

Transportation?
l use my own car.

Well, gas, oil,
wear and tear, depreciation.

Forget it.

l like your attitude.
Easy come, easy go.

How much was dinner?

$68.60.

What?

l made the mistake of letting
the captain suggest the wine.

Anything else?

Two tickets to a charity
baZaar, $15 a ticket.

Mmm-hmm. Refreshments?

Two lemonades,
$1 .50, a ripoff.

And this was
a medical charity baZaar?

$1 .50, a ripoff. ls that it?

lsn`t that enough?
Mmm-hmm.

lt comes to $131 .60.

Well, consider
the bright side.

lt still beats
being married.

l mean, a date you can
look at, if you will,

as a non-recurring expense.

A wife is overhead.

Mmm-hmm?

How you doing?

At what?

l mean, how`s
your love life?

Well, l find
l can take a man out,

with all the trimmings,

and get him in the sack
for just under $50.

That must be
the auto club.

Boy, they sure got here
fast, didn`t they?
Mmm-hmm.

Have you got a dollar?

What for?

To tip the kid
from the auto club.

All l got is credit cards.
I'll pay you back.

You will.

Thanks for the cheesecake
and the use of the phone.

You`re very welcome.

ls this a pretense
of poverty?

lt`s just
the naked truth.

That`s enough.
Thanks very much.

I'll see you in the morning.
Okay.

Dr. Willoughby.

Dr. Willoughby?

Dr. Willoughby.

Dr. Willoughby!

Uh, what`s that?
Are you all right, sir?

l haven`t been all right
under four administrations.

Who the hell are you?

Claire.

Mrs. Conway.

The dietician.

Well, don`t dawdle.

You know how short
my attention span is.

lt`s about
the meal schedule

you sent through
to conserve kitchen help.

Breakfast
at 5:00 a.m.?

Yeah.

Lunch at 9:00 a.m.?

Fine.

What`s the problem?

Well, the patients.

Patients.
Damn crybabies.

Who`s running this hospital,
us or them?

Us, l hope.

You bet your ass,
shorty.

De Voto, Joseph.

Good Morning.
Good Morning.

Oh, yes. Tonsillectomy.

l see Dr. Nichols
is doing it.

Yes, right. He was recommended
by Joey`s pediatrician,

Dr. Hatfield.

Very prominent man.

Mrs. de Voto,
do you take Reader`s Digest?

Oh, no, l....

There was a marvelous article
about tonsils only last month.

You didn`t see it?

No.
Pity, you should have.

Did you know that tonsils are
the least-understood organs
in the human body?

ls that so?

Nobody really knows
what they do.

Which is no reason
to rip them out.

They must be there
for some purpose.

As Einstein said,

God does not play dice
with the universe.

Who?

God.

No, the other.

Einstein.
Practically the same thing.

Morning!

Hi, Joey.

How are you?

Say, l....
What`s the matter?

What the hell?

Morning, Annie.

Morning.

l just saw Mrs. de Voto
and her boy

leaving the hospital.

Really?

They were supposed to check in
for a tonsillectomy.

All right,
l talked her out of it.

You did what?

Why not?

Why not, indeed?
God knows you`re qualified.

You`ve been here
almost a week!

Oh, come on.

You know, at least 90 percent
of all tonsillectomies

are totally unnecessary.

No. No,
l don`t know that.

Tell me about it.

l read an article
in a magaZine,

90 percent
of all tonsillectomies,

50 percent
of all appendectomies,

and at least 75 percent
of all hysterectomies...

That`s very interesting,
Doctor.

How do you stand
on circumcision?

Well, now that makes sense.

Good, I'm glad
to hear that.
For boys, l mean.

Oh, come on. You know
Mrs. de Voto will be back

the next time the boy
has a sore throat.
Yes, l know that.

And you will operate,
of course.

Of course, in spite of you
and your magaZine article.

Well, l tried.

Don`t ever do that again,
God damn it!

Yes, sir.

Don`t do that, either.

Admitting.

Atkinson?

Speaking.

How about dinner?

Who canceled?

Yes or no?

Yes. What should l wear?

Whatever you like.
We`ll eat at your place.

Pick up some Chinese food.
I`ll reimburse you.

Thank you very much.
What time?

Uh, we have to be
through by 1 1 :00.

Why?

The basketball game.

What basketball game?

What basketball game?
The NCAA final, that`s all.

Of course. l see.

lmagine my not knowing that.

Amos!

Charley!

Hi. You`re looking
wonderful.

Let me offer you
my condolences.

You`re a little late,
but, uh, thanks.

She was a wonderful woman,
Miriam.

Emily.

Emily?
Mmm.

You know
Harry Grady`s staying
here at the hospital?

That`s what l heard,
what`s the problem?

Phlebitis.

Oh, there`s a lot of that
going around.

How did he say his ball club
was gonna do this year?

Who?
Harry Grady.

Did you know he was staying
here at the hospital?

Are you feeling okay
these days, Amos?

Yes, why?

Just a simple question.

Listen, Charley,
l wasn`t born yesterday.

l hear all the scuttlebutt
that goes on around the halls.

Some people saying
Amos Willoughby
is going senile.

Let me tell you
something, Charley.
l can still get it up.

Three times a week.

Take care, Amos.

Uh, Charley,
by the way,

did you, uh, write your
nominating speech yet?

Not yet.

Yeah, of course.

Well, it can`t be easy,
finding reasons

to keep me in office
five more years.

Well....

Charley, l know
how you feel.

But try to look
at it my way.

Now, you know, I'm not
gonna operate anymore.

You boys will see to it
that l don`t do much harm.

Meanwhile, I've got
a nice, big office,

people call me sir,

stand up when l come
into a room.

That`s a great comfort
at my age.

Right, Amos.

So do your best, huh?

Oh, yeah, l, uh, I'd
appreciate a little flattery.

Nothing extravagant.

One mustn`t
start them giggling.

No, sir.

See?
You called me sir.

l can`t see that.

Your dreams
are unattainable.

Do not attempt
to achieve them.

Egg roll?

Save it. We`ll be
hungry in an hour.

Mmm!

An hour.

My God, lt`s almost 1 1 :00.
Where`s your set?

My set of what?

The TV.

Bedroom.

What do you
want to drink?

Anything but tea.

Some wine, maybe.

Certainly.

...and a free throw

makes it 8 to 7 UCLA
over the Colonels.

We`re just about a minute
and a half into the ballgame.

The NCAA Championship
is on the line.

Ah.

Black and white.
My favorite.

Gomez, in under the basket,
back-door play...

Black and white, huh?

Monochrome,
if you please.

What do you spend
all your money on?

Oh, vintage wines, caviar.

Vintage wine?
Mmm-hmm.

Christian Brothers, 1978,
that`s a good year.

What are these boys
doing up at this hour,

playing basketball?

This game was played earlier.

This is a tape-delay telecast.

Which is the same thing if you
don`t know the score, right?

Mmm-hmm. lf you say so.
How long does it go on?

An hour and a half,
two hours.

Oh.

Well, in that case,
l think I'll just

clean my teeth
and wash my face,

and do all those other
going-to-bed things, okay?

Do whatever you like.
Thank you.

lf you must lie
on my clean bedspread--

Shh.

Would you please
take off your shoes?

Sorry.

Ow!

Sorry about that.

Jesus!

The US position...

on the new developments
expressed by the President

at a news conference today,

is that both sides
should take a calm approach.

Shapiro goes down the middle,
a slam dunk!

A beautiful play by Shapiro.

UCLA on top, 29-28.

Right now in Granada Hills
and San Fernando,

it`s 57 degrees,
going down to...

No harm, no foul.

Gomez goes down the middle....

lt`s funny, l could`ve sworn
l had a glass of wine.

Great game.
Great game!

The lead keeps switching
hands, back and forth.

lmpossible to predict.

l was listening on
the radio. UCLA won a...

No!

No, no, no, no!

Why did you tell me?

What`s the sense
in watching now?

All the suspense is gone.

I'm very sorry. l thought
you`d like to know the score.

112 to 110. Double overtime,
whatever that may mean.

112 to 110?

Double overtime.

What ever happened to that
wonderful hospital robe

that you swiped
from Kensington General?

l, uh, donated it
to the Smithsonian.

l thought I'd get
a nice tax deduction

if l had anything
to deduct it from.

Would you like
some egg rolls?

No, thank you.
Do you have any fruit?

No.

Oh!

l know this film.

A golden oldie
if ever there was one.

Oh, just look
at that kiss.

The next shot

is of a curtain blowing
gently at an open window,

which indicates to us

that just outside
the camera`s range,

a little sensitive
screwing is going on.

lt`s much prettier
that way.

Oh, it certainly is,

but much less practical
if not downright impossible.

You remember,

then they couldn`t even
show a couple in bed

unless they were fully dressed
and each had at least
one foot on the floor.

Who says it`s impossible
with one foot on the floor?

Evidently, they thought so.

lsn`t it?

l mean,
theoretically speaking?

Here, let me
have that, please.

Thank you.
Now, lay flat. Flat.

Come on, come on.

And put one foot,
your right foot, on the floor.

Right foot.

Well,
Ow.

...that`s no good, is it?
No.

All right, now put
your right foot over.

Cross over.

Right foot cross over.

Yeah.

Do... do you have
a foot on the floor?
No.

Neither do l,
so it doesn`t count.

Here, now,
scrunch over here.

Ow.

Scrunch over so...
I'm scrunching.

...we can get to the edge.

Oh.
All right.

We`re at the edge.

Now, wait a minute

get one foot....

No wait.
Get one foot

down on the floor.

No, that`s no good.

That`s no good.
All right. Let me

get over here,

and here, let`s scrunch over
to the foot of the bed.

l don`t think l can.

All right,
I'll tell you what.

We can move over
to the foot of the bed

until we get one....

Okay. One minute,
one foot.

Put your left foot down
and we`ll try it slightly....

l can`t get my left foot down
l can get my right foot down.

Right foot, l mean.
I'll put my left.

No, we can`t do that,
because then we have

one foot on the same side
of the bed.

I'll tell you what,
I'll put this foot down.

And this foot....

Now, you slide
one foot on the floor,

and slide, slide over.

But I've got both feet
on the floor now.

No, that`s
not gonna work.

Are you still alive?

What was the rule

if the couple
was not in bed

and both had
both feet on the floor?

l think it was, uh,
catch-as-catch-can.

Hi.

Morning.

That`s not the greatest raZor
in the world in there.

lt was fine when
l shaved my legs.

Sit down, I'm making you
some breakfast.

No, thanks.
l gotta run.

Oh, busy morning?

A bile duct
and a hemorrhoidectomy.

Oh, you be sure to wash your
hands when you`re through.

You call that a kiss?

Hmm.

Thank you.
See you later.

Listen, next time you want
some home cooking

and a little dignified sex,

don`t go to strangers.

That`s a deal.
When do l see you again?

Not till tonight.

Tonight? Tonight....

Forget it.

Forget it. Forget it.
Forget it.

What?
Goodbye, Charley.

What are you talkin` about?
You mad at me? What did l do?

The same as l did.

We were two consenting adults,
we had a marvelous time.

Well, at least l did,

so nobody owes
anybody anything. Okay?

Then why the brush-off?
Because l do not wish

to get into some sort
of contest with Edith,

and the plant-lady person,

so just cross me
off your list.

But l want to see you again.
More than them?

You mean it`s either-or?
I'm afraid so.

Well, that`s unreasonable.

That`s exceedingly
unreasonable.

Maybe, but l have this thing
about fidelity, l suppose,

because my ex-husband was
such a lecher, l don`t know.

What the hell is so goddamn
important about fidelity?

l mean, l don`t think
it`s such a heinous crime

if other people occasionally
feel the need to tear off

a piece on the side.
But for me, well...

Yes? What, what?

Look, l don`t care if a man
picks his teeth in public,

if he has a ring
around his collar.

He can even vote the
straight Republican ticket.

But if he loves me
and is faithful to me,

then l will go
through hell for him.

Otherwise, it`s goodbye?

Mmm-hmm.

You don`t leave
me much choice.

l don`t mean to.

Goodbye, Ann.

Goodbye, Charley.

Who is it?

It`s Neville Chamberlain.

I forgot my umbrella.

Okay, we`ll give it a try.

Oh, Charley!

Just an experiment,
mind you.

One week.
lf it doesn`t work, that`s it.

One week?

Well, okay, two weeks.

Why not a month?

Two weeks, that`s final.

Charley!

Three weeks.

Two.

Two.

Who is it?

Who would you
like it to be?

Fred Astaire, but I'll settle
for the cards I'm dealt.

What are you doing?

Don`t come in.
I've lost a contact lens.

Oh, l didn`t know
you wore contacts.

Well, l thought it was
too early in the relationship
to reveal it.

Oh, I'm never gonna
find the damn thing.

Wear one,
keep the other eye closed.

Gotcha.

l don`t know why
l have to wear a tuxedo

to listen to a guy
recite poetry in a turtleneck.

Because it`s for a good cause,
and you look divine.

Yeah, I'll bet you say that
to all the maitre d`s.

What`s this?

lt`s a small Rolls Royce.

Gosh.

Oh, Charley, what stones,
they`re extraordinary.

I've never seen
anything like them.

They should be
for $3,500.

Charley,
so much money.

Not mine, Mrs. Stroud`s.

Mrs. who?

Mrs. Stroud`s.
They`re her gallstones.

l took them out yesterday.

Oh.

Mmm.

Uh, look under the gallstones.

l don`t believe you.

Oh, Charley.

You hate it?

lt`s beautiful.

Ah....

What? What? What`s the matter?

Don`t you sometimes wish
l was younger?

No. l wish l was.

No. What are you
talking about?

Oh, come on. lt`s comforting
with an old broad like you.

l don`t have to explain things
all the time,

like who Ronald Colman is.

You look very beautiful.

You know what you are?

Yes, but don`t tell anybody.

I'm a tall,
middle-aged Ukrainian.

A tall, handsome,
middle-aged Ukrainian.

How desperately
do you want to save
the California coastline?

That`s $50 a plate.

On the other hand,
it`s tax-deductible.

Don`t get up.
Did you tell them?

We were
waiting for you.

Well, sit down.

Gentlemen, I'm sure
that most of you know

that Harry Grady, the baseball entrepreneur, has been staying with us.

l thought he checked out
last week.

Well, he checked back in.

He missed our tapioca.

What? l wouldn`t walk
down the hall for that crap.

Amos, will you get
to the point?

I'll get to the point.

My dear friend Harry Grady

died on the operating table
this morning.

What?

lt wasn`t my fault.

Apparently, he developed an
upper-respiratory infection.

He`s always had
respiratory problems.

Why the hell
didn`t you tell me?

Why didn`t you ask me?

Oh, gentlemen, gentlemen.

l almost saved him.

Almost only counts
in horseshoes.

Sloan, I'm not making
any accusations.

l called this meeting
for a much happier purpose.

Gentlemen, before
his unfortunate death,

Harry Grady informed me that he
had put a bequest in his will

leaving $5 million to build a new
wing for Kensington General.

Apparently, Mr. Grady
was born at Kensington.

Well, now maybe we can get
a decent lounge for the staff

with a sauna.

Yes, gentlemen,
all those things and more.

Now, let`s hold it, fellows.
Mrs. Grady is coming in here
in a minute

and l think
we should all be united.

lf she thinks
that we screwed up

our asses could be in a sling.

A...as much as l loved
Harry Grady,

l think we`ve got
to stonewall her.

Our posture should be:

he wasn`t a healthy man,
and these things can happen.

Yes.

Mrs. Grady is here.

Send her in.
All right, fellas, hang tough.

Mrs. Grady.

Oh, gentlemen, please.

Sit here, please.

Mrs. Grady, on behalf
of the entire hospital, I'd...

Oh, skip the amenities.

I'd like you to meet
my lawyer, Mr. Pogostin.

Phil!

Gentlemen.

Uh, Mr. Pogostin.

Why don`t you
sit here, sir.

Thank you.

Ellen, l know l speak
for the entire staff

when l extend my
deepest sympathies.

We tried everything we could.

Which isn`t a whole lot,
is it?

l beg your pardon?

l mean, what you people
know about medicine

you could stuff
in a cocktail olive.

Well, sometimes, Ellen,
it`s difficult

for a lay person
to understand...

Especially a dumb
blonde, right?

l never said that.

You never had to.

Listen, l made a living a
long time being a dumb blonde.

Doctor, let me spell it out
for you nice and slow.

This is the sorriest excuse for a hospital I've ever seen.

Malpractice.

Malnutrition.

Mal everything.

You guys hate
sick people, or what?

Harry died because
somebody blew it.

Harry Grady had a respiratory
history that wasn`t on his chart.

That operation should never
have taken place.

Ellen, you`ve had
a great shock.

Amos, oh, Amos

you`re about
to get one yourself.

ln other words, if you`re counting
on the $5 million for a new wing,

you can stop counting.

Now, here`s your choice.

You can refuse the $5 million,
or you can accept it.

ln which case, I'll hit you with a malpractice suit for $10 million.

Oh, shit.

l warned Harry
not to marry you.

Calm down, Amos.
Calm down.

Take it easy.
Take it easy.

The lady hasn`t said that she`s definitely filing a suit yet.

I'm Dr. Nichols.

Oh, yeah, l remember.

Are you from New York?

Yeah, how`d you know?

Whereabouts?

Brooklyn.

Where in Brooklyn?

Coney lsland.

No kidding.

I'm from Brownsville myself,
originally.

Oh, jeeZ.

l used to play
at the Brighton Baths.

l used to play handball
with all the champs.

You remember Brighton Baths?
Oh, yeah.

You know what it is now?
What?

lt`s a 12,000-seat
amphitheatre.

They have all kinds
of shows there.

BoZ Scaggs was there
last week.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, jeeZ.

All the rides are gone.

Oh no.
Oh, no, not the Cyclone.

The Cyclone`s still there.

Do you remember
those famous hot dogs?

Oh, l, uh....

Oh, l must`ve...

Mrs. Grady,

l know that this must be
a terrible shock for you.

We have to find out
what happened.

lf you`ll just
allow us the time

to do some investigating
ourselves.

Oh, why should l?

Because it`s
the fair thing to do.

You know, l can
sympathiZe with you.

You sound like my analyst.

You see, l lost my wife
three months ago

so l know
what you`re going through.

We have to try
and find out what happened.

At least give us
the benefit of the doubt.

You got a great
bedside manner, Doctor.

Just...just give us 48 hours.

Please.

I'll expect to hear
from you then, okay?

Bravo!

He`s a friend of mine.

He needs to be.

What a face. What a face.

l wish we could`ve brought Michael here.
He`d like this restaurant.

When am l gonna see him?

My six months are
coming up soon.

Look, l have him
for six months,

and Skip has him
for the other six months.

Skip?
We did that, remember?

Speaking of time,
it reminds me....

What?

Well, l thought we could have
a very extra-special dinner
tomorrow night.

Why?
You know perfectly well, why.

Our two weeks are up.
What two weeks?

Oh, God, l can see
the writing on the wall.

Read it to me.

We`ll have had
a whirlwind romance

and I'll be left with an empty
feeling in the pit of my stomach.

That`s gallbladder.
I'll operate, you`ll feel
like a million bucks.

You doctors think of nothing
but money and operations.

How about some tortoni?

Rock of Ages, cleft for me

Let me hide myself in Thee

Let the water
and the blood

From Thy wounded side
which flowed

There`s an old baseball saying
that goes:

The game is not over
until the last man is out.

Well, the game
may not be over,

but it`ll be less fun playing
without Harry Grady.

Yes, we`re here
to say goodbye to Harry,

whose life,
through no fault of ours

ended so tragically
just a few days ago.

Yes, Harry, you`re gone.

Gone to that great
ballpark in the sky.

But as you sit there,
in that heavenly dugout

chewing tobacco
and swapping stories

with some of the great
baseball immortals

like Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig,

Bill Tilden.

Yes, Harry,

we`re going to remember all the wonderful things you did for baseball.

Exploding scoreboards

double-knit uniforms.

It`s true, Harry,

some people criticize you for introducing separate admissions

to each half
of a double-header

but I`d say that`s nonsense.

Throughout history, all great innovators
were never really appreciated

until they were dead.

You`re dead now, Harry.

We appreciate it.

I think my favorite
memory of Harry

is sitting in his box during
a twilight double-header.

And him turning
to me and saying:

Amos,

every time the umpire bends over
to dust off home plate,

I`d like them
to see my face.

Harry,
we`ll never forget you.

This was idiotic,
Willoughby dragging us here.

lt`s not gonna
stop her from suing.

What`s the matter,
didn`t you enjoy the funeral?

l was just thinking about Ann.

You should`ve
brought her here.

lt`s a great date.

l think we`re beyond
the dating stage.

What?
lt`s making you uptight?

No. Atkinson`s
a fabulous woman. Fabulous.

But?
But it was so quick.

l wanted a lot of women,
l got one.

l wanted somebody young,
l got somebody not so young.

l wanted somebody tractable,
l got somebody noisy, spiky, stubborn,

opinionated,
and just plain impossible.

My heart
bleeds for you.

Yeah, Atkinson`s
somebody special,

but I'm gonna keep wondering
about all those other women.

Don`t you see?
lt`s just not fair to Ann.

Don`t you see?

Yes, l do see.

May l make a suggestion?

Sure.

Why should you knock yourself out?
Give me the list,

I'll do the screwing,
and I'll write you a report.

Dr. Nichols,
just a moment, please.

Mrs. Grady wondered
if you were free tonight

to discuss what you`d found out
about Mr. Grady`s death.

We`d be delighted.

Not you, Dr. Willoughby.

Just Dr. Nichols.

Just me?

He`ll be there.

Until then, Doctor.

What do you mean, I'll be there?
I'm not gonna be there.

You`ll be there.
No, he won`t.

For shame, Silverman, don`t you
care about the hospital?

The woman is obviously
taken with Charley.

Maybe he can talk her out
of that ridiculous lawsuit.

A $10 million hump?
That`ll be the day.

Charley, you got
a good thing going with Ann.

You gonna jeopardiZe it just
for this rich, attractive, available...

Wait a minute,
l think I'm saying this wrong.

Now, look, it`s just a business discussion with a poor, bereaved widow.

And it`s for the hospital.

Now, Charley, l don`t know your girl,
but surely she`ll understand.

That`s right,
you don`t know my girl.

She`d never understand.

lf, by some miracle

Charley were able to convince her
to drop the lawsuit,

would you reconsider
running for Chief of Staff?

Well, it`s
a possibility.

What are you
worried about, Charley?

You`re just going there to talk, right?
Right.

l don`t know,

l think the large area
of consolidation

is probably an infection
or a neoplasm.

Mmm...hmm.

Oh, hi there.

How was the ballgame?

Oh, biZarre.
Excuse me, gentlemen.

How are the flowers
holding up?

You only gave them to me
yesterday.

What time tonight?

Oh, tonight is,
uh, probably late.

Sometime around 10:00.

l have to talk to Willoughby
about the, uh,

malpractice thing.

I'll call you as soon as l...
as soon as l get out.

Okay. Good luck.

l knew l could trust you,
Dr. Nichols.

Did you find out anything
about Harry`s demise?

Or is it demeese?

Uh, Mrs. Grady,

your husband
underwent major surgery.

Now, surgery at any time...

Oh, Dr. Nichols, the only thing
l know about surgery

is that your boys at the hospital
don`t know how to do it.

We did our best.

Dr. Nichols, your best
wasn`t good enough, was it?

Mrs. Grady,

we have a modest,
unpretentious little hospital...

Oh, what shall we
drink to?

To, um, tolerance,
good sense,

and no lawsuits.

To good sense and tolerance.

And?

Well, two out of three
isn`t bad, is it?

That`s good. Excuse me.

Oh, you play a very good
game of pool, Doctor.

Did you learn to play
in Brooklyn?

Yeah, as a matter of fact,

l put myself through
medical school playing pool.

Gee. My God!

You must be
a terrific doctor.

Are we gonna drink
everything in the house?

Why not?
You only live once.

Oh!

Now, Mrs. Grady...

Ellen.

Ellen, let`s get serious
for a moment.

Now, this sawluit...

this lawsuit that you`re
contemplating, it`s....

lf you stop and think
for a moment about it,

it`s gonna be terrible.

l mean, all those little doctors
running around, out of work.

So time-consuming,
so expensive.

And it`s s-so un-n-necessary.

Oop.... Oh!

Aw! Did anybody ever tell you
that you`re awfully cute?

Yeah, some fellow in the men`s room
at Grand Central Station.

But l didn`t pay
any attention to him.

l thought
he was putting me on.

No, I'm not... l mean it,
l mean it, l mean it.

I'm not kidding,
you`re adorable.

Listen, uh, just stay here.

I'm going slip into something
a little more comfortable.

What? The sauna?

No.

No.

No, no, no, just stay here.

Kensington General.

Oh, hello. Um, could l speak
to Dr. Nichols, please?

He isn`t in. He left at 5.:30.

Oh. Did he? Thank you. Um...

Is there a message?

No...no. Just-just say
Ann Atkinson called.

Um, is Dr. Willoughby
still there?

Dr. Nichols, wake up.

Dr. Nichols.

Wake up!

Did you slip into something
more comfortable?

Yes, l did, Dr. Nichols,
about eight hours ago.

But you passed out
on the pool table.

l guess you`re not
used to drinking.

Eight hours ago.

What time is it?

7:30.

7:30 in the morning?
Mmm-hmm.

Oh, my God.

Why didn`t you wake me up?

l tried, Dr. Nichols.
Believe me, l tried.

Well, what happened?

Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.

You wouldn`t get up.

Oh! Would you like
a cup of coffee?

Oh, no--no--no, l got to run.
Thank you.

Oh, look,
I'm sorry l was a washout,

but could l tell
Dr. Willoughby

that you`re dropping
the lawsuit?

No.

Dr. Nichols, it wouldn`t
have made any difference.

I'm not dropping the lawsuit.

Two million?

Good morning.

Morning.

Well, you`re up
bright and early this morning.

Mmm-hmm. Coffee?

No thanks. l was up all night
drinking coffee to stay awake.

Heavy meeting, hmm?

Guess you didn`t hear
the evening news?

No.

Big freeway accident.
Eight-car collision.

Lucky l was passing.

lt certainly was.

Am l beat.

Poor soul.

By the time we got through
taking care of everybody,
it was too late to call.

That`s why
l came around this morning

to let you know what happened.

Guess l should go home
and change

and get ready
for the meeting.

Got to think up a nominating
speech for Willoughby.

Well, listen,
why don`t you shower here?

l could fix you
some breakfast.

Yeah.

Shower still in the bathroom?

Certainly is.

Hey, Ann, where`s the towel?

Here.

What the hell was that for?

You unspeakable bastard!

Me?

Eight-car collision, my ass.
You were with Ellen Grady.

And if you were with her,

it follows that the day and
the night you slept with her.

No. Wait a minute.
You lied to me.

No, l did not.
Well, technically, maybe.

What the hell does
technically, maybe mean?

lt means something like, well,

what appears on the surface
to be a lie,

underneath, somewhere,
there`s a deep profound truth.

Bullshit!

All right. All right,
l didn`t sleep with Ellen Grady

because technically
l was too damned drunk.

You wanted me to be honest.
I'm being honest.

Don`t force yourself.

l went over there
to see if l could talk her out

of that goddamned
$10-million lawsuit.

lf I'd done that, I'd have some
leverage with Willoughby.

Oh, l see. No matter
how painful, how distasteful,

you were prepared to throw yourself
on that withered old body

for the sake of
good old Ken Gen.

Well, it crossed my mind.
lt`s the truth.

l wasn`t ready
to make a commitment.

That`s not nice.

You are a coward, you`re afraid
to stand up to Willoughby,

and you don`t have the courage
to stand by me.

Courage?

Oh, that l do not accept.

l am a surgeon, lady.
Have you forgotten?

Every day, we cut people open
from their sternum to their ZotZ.

We take out kidneys,
gallbladders, lungs.

Great big loops of intestines,
we build new rectums,

dig into skulls
with brace and bit,

plunge our hands
into beating hearts.

You call that cowardly?

You are consumed with fear.

Naked, pusillanimous fear.

You call it brave,
nominating Willoughby?

All you so-called doctors:
fear and greed. Greed.

Find someone who`s
pure enough for you.

lt won`t be easy now that
Albert SchweitZer is dead

and St. Francis of Assisi,
l hear, isn`t too well, either.

Still, it shouldn`t be any problem for you, you`re so young and beautiful

so sweet and tender.
And just plain perfect.

Up yours, mister!

The same to you, with earlaps.

Where the hell are my clothes?

What did she do with them?

Oh.

ls my mother home?

No, she isn`t.
I'm Dr. Nichols.

Making a house call?

You`re Ann`s son, all right.

Pretty tall for 1 4,
aren`t you?

I'm 16.

Pretty short for 16,
aren`t you?

lf you see her,
just say l stopped by.

Hey, kid, wait a minute.
Hey, kid. Come back.
Come on back, kid.

Come here. Come here,
l want to talk to you.

Come on. I'm straight, kid.

What...what siZe
are your shorts?

29.

Twenty-nine, that`s too small.

You got big feet.
Lend me your sneakers.

They were a gift.

Hey, kid, listen, this is an emergency.
l got to get to the hospital.

Amos,

have you been operating?

No, just washing my car.

Thank God.

Where the hell is Charley?

The election`s this morning.

Relax, he`ll be here.

lf he isn`t, he`ll be looking
for a new line of work.

This isn`t my locker.

Norman. Norman,
where`s Charley?

l don`t know.
He`ll be here, relax.

Willoughby is gonna have a conniption
if he doesn`t show up.

He`s driving me up
the goddamn wall.

lrwin, he`ll be here.

Wait here,
I'll get you some money.

l know. Page him again.

Never mind.
l think he`s here.

Things must`ve gotten pretty kinky
with Ellen last night.

Where are you going?

I've gotta go
talk to Ann.

Later. The meeting`s started.

All right,
I'll go change.

You pay the taxi back there.
Will you, please?

The meeting was called
to order at 2:30 p.m.

The minutes from the preceding
meeting were read and accepted.

Dr. Frankfurt, Director of
Recruitment for interns,

reported again this year
there were no applications

from graduates
of American medical schools.

He has recruited one intern
from the Philippine lslands
and one from Formosa

who is, however,
an acupuncturist.

Next, Dr. Eugene Mason, Director
of Lectures and Special Events,

reported that Dr. Michael
Debakey of Houston,

who was to be a guest speaker
at our next seminar,
will not be able to attend

due to a conflict
in schedules.

lnstead, the speaker will be
Mr. Marvin Calloway
of the HertZ Corporation

who`ll address us on the
advantages of car leasing.

Next, Dr. William Evans,
Head of the Morbidity
and Mortality Committee,

reported on last month`s....

What happened
with the Grady dame?

She`s still suing.
She`s a slut.

She speaks well of you.

The meeting was adjourned
at 2:43 p.m.

Respectfully submitted,
lrwin Owett, Hospital Administrator.

lf there are no objections,
the minutes will be accepted as read.

All right. That being the case, we`ll now move on to the elections.

Nominations for Chief of Staff
are now being entertained.

All right.
Do l hear any nominations?

l won`t forget this,
Charley.

Sure you will.
You forget everything.

The Chair recogniZes
Dr. Nichols.

l place in nomination
for Chief of Staff

the name of Amos Willoughby.

Very well.
All right, gentlemen.

That`s it!

That`s it, Amos.

How`s about
flowering it up a little?

l thought he overdid it.

ls there a second?

Right here, second.

Dr. Solomon seconds.
Any other nominations?

All in favor?

Well, Amos, congratulations!

You`ve earned yourself
another five years.

Thank you.

Uh, gentlemen,

it is with a deep sense
of honor and humility

that l accept this challenge.

For it is a challenge....

l think deep nausea
is about to set in.

Now, it becomes my duty,
with your help,

to preserve this
standard of excellence.

A duty l look forward to meeting
with all my heart.

Which l know must please all of you
in cardiology.

l shall come to the hospital
earlier every morning.

l shall stay later
every night.

l shall personally supervise
every single phase of the hospital,

from the admitting room
to the mortuary.

l shall perform
more operations myself,

operations of all kinds, from
the simple removal of a mole

to the intricacies
of open-heart surgery.

Wait a minute.

Now, how`s that?

l made a mistake.
l changed my mind.

Dr. Willoughby,
l withdraw your nomination.

You can`t withdraw
my nomination, Charley.

l just did.

Who`s got
the Robert`s Rules of Order?

The nomination is withdrawn.

Call the Sergeant at Arms.

Amos, we don`t have
a Sergeant at Arms.

Ann.

Oh, where`s Ann?

Who, senor?

Oh, she`s gone.

I'm just here filling in
until they find someone else.

She`s not home.

The landlady said that she was
going to be at the bus stop.

Hey, Atkinson. Atkinson.

Hi, there. What`s goin` on?

Listen, uh, wait a minute,
will you, please?

What?

What seems to be the problem?

Really. You know
what the problem is: you.

You`ve always got one eye out
looking for something better.

l have.
That`s true, l admit it.

Exactly.
And not only do you look,
you usually find.

Really, l thought you`d be different.
l am different, God damn it!

Stop comparing me to Scooter.

Skip! l am not
comparing you to him.

Oh, listen, Charley...

l don`t want to hear a sentence that starts: Listen, Charley.

Okay. Look, Charley,
l like my life the way it is.

lt may not be Shangri-la
but l happen like it.
And l don`t need you.

Yes, but l need you.

Don`t you understand that?
l love you.

Will you listen
to me, please?

Something terrific
happened today.

l did not
nominate Willoughby.

Well, l did nominate him,
but then l withdrew it.

And then l told him off.

Really?
Yes.

I'm very glad to hear that.

That`s all? Glad?

Okay, I'm delighted.
Excuse me,
I've a cheesecake to deliver.

You`re not excused.

Do you think
l like my life?

lt stinks.
Yes. ln a word, l do.

You think l like waking up in
a strange bed every morning?

Ann, do you think l like
walking into closets,

thinking they`re
goddamn bathrooms, huh?

You think l like that?
l hate that.

You know,
you`re not listening
to one single word I'm saying?

l want to marry you,
for Christ`s sake.

Of course,
doesn`t everybody?

God damn it.

Now listen,
show me some respect.

This is a major moment
in my life.

Did you hear what l said?

Go on, go ahead.

l mean, the last time...
l mean, the last time....

Hold it. The last time
l asked anybody to marry me,

l was wearing
a raccoon coat and stilts.

You broke my heart.

Well, don`t worry about it.
I'm a doctor, I'll fix it.

Okay. We`ll give it a try.

l won`t marry you,
but we`ll try it for one week.

A week?

How about a month?

What are you doing?

Those cheesecakes
have been paid for.

Two weeks.

Three.

Grab your coat,
get your hat

Leave your worries
on the doorstep

Just direct your feet

Oh. to the sunny side
of the street

Can`t you hear
that pitter-pat?

Oh, and that happy tune
is your step

Life can be oh, so sweet

On the sunny side
of the street

Now, I used to walk around
in the shade

With all those
blues on parade

Oh, but now I`m not afraid

`Cause I`m a rover
who has crossed over

And if I never had a cent

Gonna be rich
as old Mr. Rockefeller

Gold dust at my feet

On the sunny side
of the street

If I never had a cent

Gonna be rich
as old Mr. Rockefeller

Gold dust at my feet

On the sunny side
of the street