HouseSitter (1992) - full transcript

Where are you taking me? Where am I?
- I don't know. I'm blindfolded too. - Davis!
- I'm just kidding. We're almost there. - Almost where?
You are so nuts!
We're here.
What is this?
- Will you marry me? - What?
Becky, I have loved you since the 9th grade. Marry me.
You bought this house?
Bought it? I'm an architect!
I designed it! I built it!
You built this house... for me?
For us.
- You are so nuts! - And you are so sane. It's perfect!
This is like something out of a fairy tale.
So, will you?
No.
I now dedicate this building to the great city of Boston.
Bravo.
- Congratulations. - Thank you, thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you, Frank.
Gentlemen, welcome to the Budapest.
Drink up. Everybody, more champagne.
Welcome to the Budapest. Haven't seen you in a long time.
Welcome to the Budapest. Have a great time.
Ah, Mr. Moseby, welcome to The Cafe Budapest.
I still think it's a boring building, no matter how you look at it.
The absolute best thing about this building, in two words, "billable hours."
- But did you enjoy doing it? Whoa. - That didn't factor in.
- Whoa! Whoa! - Okay, okay.
- Where are you from? - Eh?
Where are you from?
- Are you from Hungary? - Yes, Hungary.
- He wants to know if you speak English. - Uh?
- He said, "Are you ticklish? Do you spank?"
Marty!
Gwen is to be called Gwen.
Go, go, go. Work, work, work.
Enjoy the party, gentlemen. Enjoy the party.
- She liked you. - What are you talking about?
She could have liked you. You just gotta make it happen, Davis.
- Hi, Davis. - Hi, Mr. Calvin.
Becky is over. That was months ago.
- You've gotta find a way to transcend. - Yeah, but how?
- Get laid. - Marty, you're my most disgusting friend.
How about Denise? What about Patricia?
- I know she had the hots for you. - What are the hots?
Moseby, eleven o'clock.
Hi, Mr. Moseby. Congratulations on another beautiful job.
- Thank you, Marty. Everyone has a right to feel proud.
Absolutely.
I don't know if it's the champagne talking or not, but I wanna say,
your leadership has been an inspiration to all of us on the project.
- I hope I've not embarrassed you. - Not at all.
- Mr. Moseby, congratulations. Very good job.
Charlie, thank you.
- I don't know if you know Davis from the firm?
Davis.
Mr. Moseby. Uh, the building...
Wow! It's there.
Yes?
Uh, you know that Boston Bank building you designed years ago?
I've stood on the sidewalk for hours absorbing that structure.
- It still surprises me. - Thank you, Davis.
Don't you think we should be going for that kind of originality...
instead of these same designs over and over,
this cookie-cutter architecture?
Don't you feel we're just going through the motions?
We are the largest architectural firm in New England.
Evidently some people like what we do.
Are you insane?
Why didn't you kick him in the balls and tell him he has ugly children?
I thought he'd appreciate a fresh point of view.
Why would you think that? He's the boss!
If I could find the right doctor, I'd have my lips sewn to his ass.
We're different.
- Yes. Come Monday, I will still have a job.
Hi, Mr. Simpson.
Is Gwen, yes? I remember beautiful Gwen from Hungary...
who speaks no English.
That is a drawing of an engagement ring,
which I designed and even built.
But, as engagement rings go, it turned out to be a little, you know,
"big" for the lady.
What do you say, Gwen? "Gwhen" do you get off...
and "gwhere" can we "gwo"?
- Oh God. - Good night, kiddo.
- Good night. - I'll take care of opening tomorrow.
Oh, you will? I can sleep.
- Oh, I love you. - No sweat.
C?ao.
- Hey, guys! - Hey, Gwen.
Come on, chop-chop. Let's get home.
Taxi!
Good night, little Howie.
Hey, you tricked me.
Why were you pretending to be Hungarian?
- Ambience. - Ambience, yeah. But you still tricked me.
- I didn't trick you. I deceived you. - What's the difference?
- Intention. - Intention?
- Are you a law student or something? - Hey!
I guessed it? You're a law student? Where do you go to school?
Don't you mean "gwhere" do I go to school?
I, I admit, I was a little condescending.
Yeah, when you thought I was just a waitress.
- I'm sorry. I apologize. - I'm not a law student.
Why'd you tell me you were a law student?
I didn't. You told me I was a law student. I just told you I wasn't a law student.
Listen!
Listen, can... can we go somewhere?
- Get coffee or something? - No, I really have to get home.
Share my cab. I could give you a lift.
Thank you very much, but it's real close.
I'll walk you. I could use some air.
Okay.
There's all these cities I want to live in before I die,
and Boston happened to be one.
There's New York, which is where I came up here from.
Before that there was Seattle, San Francisco, Santa Fe, New Orleans,
- Akron. - Akron?
Yeah, well... It was a detour, you know.
But I lived there so I count it.
Before that, there was Toledo, where I grew up.
- Gosh, I've never lived anywhere. - How can you never live anywhere?
Well, just here and Dobb's Mill.
That's where I grew up. It's about 50 miles from here.
It's one of those white-picket-fence sort of towns,
with your basic church steeple, town square,
and big firemen's pancake breakfasts.
All the kids grew up together.
And everybody knows you, you know what I mean?
- Sure. So is that where she's from? - Who?
The babe who thought the house was too big for her finger.
Oh, Becky. No, no, that's over.
I bet you still have her picture in your wallet.
- Get outta there. Get outta my... - C'mon, let me see.
Hey, you knocked me into the water there.
- Who cares about wallet photos? - You could go to jail for this.
No, that's her in the 6th grade.
I got a more up-to-date. Let's see, 7th grade, 8th grade, 9th...
Let me just jump ahead. That's Becky, but it's over, believe me.
Did you see that picture? Was she a cute baby?
Is that funny? Anyway...
Here's her driver's license. She was gonna throw this away.
I said, "Are you crazy? That's a cute picture."
Anyway, I don't even go up there anymore.
I probably should take the ribbon off the house, right?
You mean you still own it and nobody's living in it?
Yeah, it's a waste, huh? It's just so nice up there,
especially this time of the year with the leaves changing.
And it's got this wraparound porch that looks onto a pond.
And in the living room, it's got these switchback stairs that go up to a loft.
Sorry, I still get a little excited about it.
I mean, I don't use it, but...
- But what? - I just can't bring myself to sell it.
It's like I'm stuck where I am, like I can't change it.
- Did you ever feel like that? - No.
- No? - No, I...
I change myself all the time.
If things aren't workin' out, I change what I do, change where I live,
I change myself.
- You're Hungarian one minute and a law student the next.
Ooh! This is fabulous! Oh, I love it.
We're back where we started from.
Ooh, yeah, it's where I live, above the restaurant.
I told you it was close but you said you wanted some air,
so we went for a walk.
Listen.
Could I use your phone to call a cab?
- Do you mind? - Sure, why not.
Good night, Ralph. Good night, Mary.
Hello!
In return for waitressing, I get to live here rent free,
which actually works out really well for him in taxes,
and then what I earn is the tips, which is really great.
You'd be surprised how well you can do, particularly with that Hungarian thing.
Your lock's busted.
Yeah, I know. I've been raggin' on Karol about that.
- Who's she? - He.
He's the guy who owns the Budapest.
Funny name for a guy.
Yeah, it is.
- Newt. - Huh?
I saw it on your driver's license, Newton Davis.
What kind of name is that anyway?
Only my father calls me that.
Yeah, my dad's name is Bernard.
Bernard? That's kind of a "Newtony" kind of name, isn't it?
Bernard. Oh, Dad.
I remember I used to curl up on his lap, watch "Howdy Doody" with him,
roll down his socks and tickle his feet.
Anyway, this is my place.
It's cozy. I like what you did with the drape thing.
- Yeah, well, I'm no architect. - It's nice.
I like the way you used the negative space.
- You're interesting. - Really?
Yeah, you're so... average.
Guess you better show me where your phone is.
Whoa! I don't have a phone.
What?
Oh, I can't afford it.
I figured I didn't know anybody in town, so I just didn't get a phone.
But I asked you if I could use your phone.
- That's not what you asked me. - That is exactly what I asked.
You did not. You asked me if you could come up here and sleep with me.
You know that as well as I do.
You said yes.
May I stay?
Yeah.
Dobb's Mill. Watch your step getting off.
Thanks. Bye.
- Hi, Mary. - Hi, Dave.
Milk, juice...
cereal and bread.
So, Hazel,
we're lookin' at $23.85. Should I put that on your account?
- Thank you, Travis. - Okey-doke.
- Hey, best to Stuey. - All right.
Potato, tomato, avocado,
pint of ice cream and steak.
So, miss, we're lookin' at $34.63.
Right. Put that on the Newton Davis account, please.
- I beg your pardon? - Newton Davis, 611 Hillside.
I know Davis, but he doesn't have an account here.
- Wait, you're Travis, right? - And you are?
Yeah, he told me about this store.
Great place! It reminds me of when I was growing up.
My grandfather had a store just like this in a little town in Ohio.
Uh-huh? And your relation to Davis is?
Oh, gosh, where do I begin?
It all happened so fast.
I mean, well, I came here really just to get the house together and everything.
He doesn't even know that I'm here.
I told him I went to see my sister because she was pregnant in Toledo.
I thought it would be so great to surprise him,
which I hope I do.
I met him and then he said to me...
what a great little town this was...
and what a fabulous house he built and the truth is, I'm his wife.
You're telling me, you and him are hitched?
Yeah. I hardly believe it myself.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
- Hi. I'm sorry. - Hi.
I couldn't help but hear.
- You're married to Newton Davis? - Yeah.
- I'm Becky. - Becky?
- Metcalf. - Becky Metcalf?
Oh, Davis told me all about you.
I'm Gwen. Did he tell you about me?
- No, I didn't even know he was married. - Oh, well!
We really haven't told anybody yet. It was kind of that crazy thing we did.
We did it on the spur of the moment.
That's Davis.
- Hi, Becky. - Hi, Marge.
- Tell me, how is he doing? - Oh, he's great.
Well, you know. He's such a fabulous guy.
Nowadays, it's hard to tell if a guy's gonna be there when you wake up.
And you're living in "the" house?
Starting to. Just getting groceries, housewares, pots and pans.
- The hardware store is over there. - Oh.
- Come on, I'll introduce you. - Thanks.
Aren't you nice?
I don't have the cash for all this.
Oh, don't be silly. On your account.
- Harv, grab a... Harv? - Huh?
Grab a percolator off the shelf.
Now, you bring Davis around so we can congratulate him, that sly boots.
- Well, I've gotta run. - Okay.
Maybe I'll call you for dinner sometime?
Great!
Seems like the marriage is off to a good start.
Yeah, so far it's been ideal,
kind of like I died and went to heaven.
Oh, hi! Great chair!
- You work here? - Yes, ma'am.
I love it. You could practically live in this chair, you know?
I don't see how.
- How much? - It's twenty dollars.
How 'bout I give you fifteen?
Well, no, it's twenty dollars.
I'll tell you what. I'll give you seventeen cash.
We only take cash.
- Do you deliver? - Free of charge.
All right, you've got a deal. 611 Hillside.
Do you think you could have it delivered by tonight?
What was that address again?
- 611 Hillside, that house Newton Davis built.
- That house is vacant. - Well, we're moving back.
I'm Gwen. I'm his wife.
Mine's George. I'm his father.
All I can say, sir, is that I apologize.
Frankly, I was the one who, after your son just...
swept me off my feet,
decided that maybe it would be best if we waited...
and see if the marriage was gonna work before we told our families about it.
Of course, Newton said, "Oh, you're just way too levelheaded.
You should be more impulsive."
Maybe he's right, I don't know.
But I just wanna say that you guys raised...
the most caring, sharing man.
Thank you.
Uh, Edna, any comments?
Why, I don't believe it.
- You don't? - I just don't believe it.
- Which part? - Tha... tha... that he could be so...
insensitive, so irresponsible!
Because it's just like him, Edna. The boy hasn't changed a bit.
What does he think marriage is?
And this question goes for you, too, young woman.
What do young people today...
think marriage...
is?
You don't mean like write an essay?
It's because of our little dispute, isn't it?
Is that why he kept this marriage a secret?
Yes, it is.
But he feels really badly about all this, Mr. Davis.
Why, you'd never know it to talk to him.
Perhaps because you don't talk to him, George.
- He's the one who never calls or visits. - George!
- You babied the boy, Edna. - Mr. And Mrs. Davis,
Newton is really sorry about, um, you know.
And, uh, he just talks about it all the time.
In fact, he talked about it the other night and he cried.
- You hear that, George? - I'm right here, Edna.
My boy cried.
Why don't you pick up the phone...
- and call the boy. - I don't think that would be a good idea.
For the time being, why don't you send messages through me.
George?
Well, suppose you...
Oh, just tell him please, for God's sake, come home.
Oh, George.
Um, come in.
Come in!
Hello!
- Edna! - Hello.
- Oh. - Good morning. Is it morning?
Oh my.
- But if this isn't a convenient time... - No, it's fine. Come in.
- I didn't mean to come before you... - That's all right. I'm awake.
- Or dressed. - Whoops.
So I see you've already found a spot to put your chair.
Oh, yes. Well, I'm just trying it out.
Oh, what's that?
It's just a little something to help you get started.
Oh no, I really couldn't.
Wow!
After all, he is our only son.
Let's go spend it.
Hi, Davis.
Hi.
Martin,
I've been thinking about the house in Dobb's Mill, about selling it.
- Sell it. - I could pay back everyone I owe money to.
I agree. Could you take a look at this?
Keeping this house is like hanging onto the past.
- The only entrance is through the air conditioning duct.
I was trying to solve that.
I think it's preventing me from having any real relationship with another woman.
Right, with Denise or Patricia.
Or like that waitress the other night.
- The one who didn't speak English? - Very interesting woman.
- You've got people exiting into a wall! - Uh-oh.
- Did you sleep with her? - Oh, gee, you know...
Yes, and I woke up in the middle of the night...
- completely tied up in knots. - Okay!
No, I mean as in anxiety.
And I did this horrible thing; I left.
I know what it is, it's Becky. I gotta close the book on that.
- I'm gonna sell the house. - There you go.
We just talk and talk. There's so much to talk about.
We have this amazing communication. It's like Chinese food.
Excuse me?
- Like on Thursdays and you can't deal with dinner?
He comes home with this big bag of Chinese take-out.
It's just... like he knew!
- That's amazing. - I know, Chinese food. Can you stand it?
That's fabulous.
Are you finished with that?
Mmm. Ooh, that's good.
So, you were starting to tell me how the two of you met.
Oh, right.
I'm crossing Boylston street...
and this moron doing a right on red plows right into me and then takes off.
- We never did catch him. - Were you hurt?
My nose was busted, both cheekbones were cracked,
and the front of my jaw was fractured.
They had me all taped up like one of those mummies...
and all you could see were my eyeballs and my lips.
- My God! - So I'm in this hospital room...
and I'm sharing it with this woman who works for an architectural firm.
Davis came in and brought her balloons.
He felt sorry for me on account of my being a mummy,
and he gave me one of the balloons.
He came back the next day to visit me,
then the next and then the next.
It wasn't like a come-on because he hadn't even seen my face.
It was just two people talking, during which came out that...
I didn't have the insurance to pay for the bill so he paid for it.
Davis did?
- How long were you in? - Two weeks.
How could he afford that? He's got all of his money in that house.
Oh, well, you know he's an architect.
Yes, but he's just an associate. It doesn't pay very much.
- You know, he got promoted. - He has?
Mm-hmm, yeah. They love him over at that firm now.
They do?
He's kicking big architectural butt.
He takes me home from the hospital and runs all these errands for me...
All this time, he's never seen your face,
you're still all wrapped up?
Oh, this is so Davis.
Then one night, he kissed me.
And we started to... well, you know.
Oooh.
Here I am in this mummy mask, but it was incredible...
because I could be anyone.
Oh, God,
I can't tell you how hot that made it.
So, then he wants to marry me and he hasn't even seen my face.
So what he proposes is, which is of course what we did,
is we got married the next week at the hospital.
When the chaplain said "You may now kiss the bride," instead of lifting the veil,
the doctor unwrapped the gauze.
And he saw me for the first time.
And he looked at me...
and he smiled.
And then,
the rest.
Oh.
Yeah.
Woo, Katie!
? Katie, Katie bo-badie Banana-fanna fo-fadie ?
? Fee-fi-foo, matie Katie ?
Yeah! Ollie!
- ? Ollie, Ollie bo-ballie Banana-fanna... ? - Hello?
What are you doing here?
What am I doing? What are you doing here?
Well, I, I got kicked out of my apartment and had no place to go.
I would have called you except you never told me where you lived or where your office was.
You're the waitress, Gwen.
Well, excuse me but I thought we'd been introduced.
No, I recognize you. It's just, you were wearing that Hungarian garb.
I had to get out of that place...
because Karol and I had a real difference of opinion...
of exactly when he could come into my apartment unannounced...
and exactly where he could put his hands while he was there.
- Didn't you have any friends you could go to?
I'd only been in Boston 3 weeks.
All I had was that cute drawing you did of this house.
I knew it was in Dobb's Mill and it was just sitting here, not doing anything.
- Where did all of this furniture come from? - Bigelows.
How did it get here? Some furniture stampede?
- I'll pay you back. - Pay me back?
Oh, Bobo, no. Come on, honey.
The men are coming tomorrow to put in the dog door.
- What is happening? - If you'd just listen.
I'm listening. I'm listening.
All right. I was hungry, okay?
I went to Keller's Market to pick up some peanut butter...
- and that's where I overheard Hazel telling Travis...
Whoa, whoa. Hazel?
- Hazel Byron. - You know Mrs. Byron?
Yeah, your piano teacher? Great gal.
I don't know if you heard about her son, Stuey,
but oh, what he put that poor woman through!
Go back to the store where Mrs. Byron says to Mr. Keller...
Okay. She told him to just put it on her account.
Charge the groceries to me?
Well, I was hungry. You gotta understand that.
How'd you get him to do it?
I guess he was under the impression that I was...
Insane?
No, I just told him to put it on our account.
- Our account? - Well, it seemed harmless.
You told him you were my wife?
What was I supposed to do? You tell me?
And he believed you?
And why wouldn't he believe me?
- Well... - I'm not good enough to be your wife?
- No! - Well, Travis thinks I'm good enough.
- And Harvey and Lorraine think I'm good enough.
This coffee table.
- What about it? - It's my mother's.
I know, it's not my taste either.
But all of this represents a compromise.
- You know your mother. - My parents think we're married?
Hey, it's not so bad! Everything's gonna be fine.
Would you mind taking your feet off the furniture?
Gwen. Gwen?
Gwen, Gwen, Gwen!
- You can't stay here. - Why not?
- I hardly know you. - Oh, come on!
Where the hell am I supposed to go?
- What do you mean you hardly know me? - Gwen, I'm sorry.
I'm terribly sorry for the way I acted.
I'm going through a difficult time and this isn't helping.
Look, I've got maybe a hundred bucks here, just 'til you get back on your feet again.
- Take it. - Is that payment for services rendered?
- Oh, come on! - I don't want your money!
No, just my goddamn house, right?
- Hello? - Becky.
I was dying to see how everything looked, and I saw your car outside...
And I, uh...
Oh, congratulations. I'm so happy for you.
You needn't be. You want to tell her or should I?
You're a shit.
- Maybe I'll just wait and come back. - Becky! Becky!
Becky, look, here's what happened.
- Whatever it is, it's between you and Gwen. - Becky...
Let me say one thing. That is a wonderful woman,
and yours is a genuinely unique marriage.
I'll say.
To marry a woman whose face you've never seen...
until your wedding day at the hospital when the doctor removes the gauze?
That is unique, my friend!
It made my heart go pitty-pat.
Did it?
Do you know why I said no to you that day?
It's because you scared me,
building this house, putting a ribbon around it.
I didn't want to marry a dreamer.
I'm not that brave.
But when I see you through Gwen's eyes,
- you look very different to me. - How?
Well, I could see how a dreamer, with somebody who believes in him...
could do great things.
- I heard about your promotion. - Hmm?
Associate partner? Wow!
Oh, she told you about that?
She's very proud of you. She deserves to be.
- I must admit, I'm a little jealous. - Really?
Yeah, a little.
- Becky? - Hmm?
There's something I think you should know.
I slept with Boomer Bauer?
It's not like you were being promiscuous.
He's your old boyfriend. You got to reminiscing, and it just happened.
Except now you don't know where we stand.
You gave me an old boyfriend and you named him Boomer?
I'm a little new at this. But that's the beauty of it,
that's why you left Boston to come up here and decide between me and Boomer.
I can't believe you told her that.
I can't believe you can't believe it! You've told a few whoppers yourself!
- I told nice ones! - Gwen.
Gwen, I love her.
I've always loved her, but something went wrong.
She couldn't picture me as her husband. But now, with our being married,
she finally sees me as a husband-kind-of-guy.
So, I think you and I can help each other. Here's the deal.
We're married but our marriage is on the rocks.
Every weekend, I drive up and try hard to save this marriage.
- I get to stay in the house? - Absolutely!
Meanwhile, Becky's heart goes out to me, you and I get divorced,
and then, boom, I get Becky.
What do you say?
For a while there it was really a great marriage.
Well it was until you came into it.
Sweetheart, oh sweetheart,
you've made me so happy.
You've brought home a princess.
- Hi, Pop. - Son.
My little boy.
I see you've met Gwen.
Why'd you do it, son?
- Well, I... - Understand I like her. I like her a lot.
But she is something of an acquired taste.
I've grown quite fond of her.
It's just the secrecy, not sharing the decision.
- I can't help but feel it's part of our battle.
Oh, Pop!
Don't say a thing. Gwen said it all for you.
- She has? - What I'm trying to say to you...
is I apologize.
You do?
I won't deny I was upset.
You go into debt to build a house you won't live in...
so you end up with a mortgage...
- and that crazy rent in the city. - Don't start, Pop.
I won't. I won't.
Finally you do make good decisions; Gwen, for instance,
plus now giving up the apartment and coming back here.
You told them I was giving up my apartment?
Uh, let me think.
What she told us was how sorry you felt.
Like the other week when you cried?
No shame in it, son. Just don't do it often. Nobody likes a crybaby.
You told them I was sorry?
You did say you regretted the situation, remember?
Okay, but I never said I was giving up my apartment.
- Her intentions were good. - Yes, her intentions.
But that's a whole, separate subject, isn't it, dear?
- Up yours. - Nicely put. What a princess, huh, Mom?
Look, Mom, Dad, I didn't particularly want to discuss this now,
but you might as well know that, that, that Gwen and I are separated.
- What? - That's the reason she came up here.
What are you saying?
I'm saying the marriage is a bust.
Go ahead, Pop, lecture me; another immature move by Newton.
Davis. Davis?
Look, I goofed, okay?
I thought I was doing you a favor bringing you and your dad back together.
I don't see why we had to get separated because of it.
- We separated because of Boomer. - We did not.
I came up to sort things out.
Geez, Boomer was just a one-nighter.
Come on, boy. Come on, boy.
Okay, okay.
Stay outside, Bobo. Okay, okay.
Honey? Sweetheart?
Look who Bobo and I bumped into jogging?
- Hi. - Oh, hi.
Oh, my goodness, look at all the furnishings.
I tried to use reflective light to create a feeling of warmth.
I think I'll go make some tea.
Oh, here's the tub right next to the bed.
- Notice it's designed for two. - Oh?
- I'm going! - Yeah, bye.
So, you like the house?
Oh, well, uh, how could I not?
It's... In fact, it makes me realize something...
about Gwen sleeping with that old boyfriend?
I could see how something like that might happen.
You can?
Can't you?
Oh, uh, yes.
Which is to say that, I...
You should really be more understanding of her and, and forgiving.
I mean, she's just human.
We're all just human.
Lemon or sugar?
- Bye. - Bye.
This was wonderful. Thanks for the tour... oh, and the tea.
Mom? Dad?
Reverend Lipton?
In the brief time I've gotten to know Gwen, I must say I was shocked...
when your parents came and told me that you were both experiencing...
difficulties.
But so often, just by talking it out,
which we could arrange say, on a weekly basis,
perhaps at the church...
- I am not going to counseling with this woman,
and that is final.
- I'm disappointed in you. - George, please.
- You've gotten all you want, now you want out.
George.
Marriage is different from a one-night stand, or used to be.
And it ought to be.
What's everybody coming down on me for?
- She's the one. - The one who what?
The one who made up...
- Made up what? - Who made up...
with her old boyfriend and bedded down with him.
She slept with her old boyfriend after we were married.
Maybe we should wait out on the porch.
- You babied him, Edna. Now he can't hold his woman.
Oh, shut up, George.
- I was bored. - What?
Let her get it out now.
All I do is stay around this house.
- He never lets me do what I want. - Try to be specific.
Like those art classes I wanted to take.
And sometimes I really want to go to the theater.
Then he complains about my thighs.
So great, I'll go to dancing class.
He says, oh no, it's too expensive.
- I don't believe this. - No, no, this is good.
Purge, Gwen. Purge.
The courses I want to take at the university.
Do you think he'll let me?
What about the, the... uh, tennis lessons.
You quit after three weeks. The same thing with the, the, uh, scuba diving.
Because of those comments you made about me and my rubber suit.
I said you looked like a porpoise.
- Is that supposed to be cute? - Flipper was a porpoise!
I don't want to be compared to Flipper.
- I'm not comparing you to Flipper. - Think how that makes me feel.
- Shh. One at a time, please. - Shut up!
- Wait a minute. - Here's what the problem is.
When I come home, you're always organizing.
For starters,
let's begin by both of you trying once again...
to live under the same roof.
Agreed?
For you, Gwen,
let's start by trying to work on this idea...
of self-discipline, sticking with something once you've begun it.
For instance, this idea of continuing your education.
- Newton, I must say... - I cannot afford it.
Even with your big promotion that the whole town is talking about?
See you at choir practice.
Don't they gather by the river? That's where they're gonna find your body.
Grow feathers and shit in a tree!
Why did you have to bring up sleeping with what's-his-face? I was mortified.
We made a deal.
- That doesn't give you the right to disparage my reputation.
What are you talking about? You're a con artist.
Don't yell at me! We're only pretending to be married.
The only person pulling a con is you with Becky.
In return for which you extorted free rent in a furnished house...
and now a college education!
- And dance classes. - Lest we forget.
- Are you nuts? - I thought you'd love the idea.
- Of marriage? - It is not a marriage.
It is an arrangement in which I will share my house with her in exchange for which...
she will argue with me and make my life look pitiful.
That's marriage.
- How are you? - Hey, how's the baby?
Guys! Hi, guys!
Well, I'll be home around 6:30. Want me to pick up anything?
Oh no, that sounds good. No, no, I like that. Okay, great.
Okay, bye, honey. Gwen!
- May I talk with you? - Um...
I just had a big fight with Gwen. I came home from work and she started...
I'm sorry, I shouldn't even be talking about it.
No, it's just... Uh, come in. Come in, please.
I don't know how I ended up here.
I just walked away from the house not thinking about where I was going.
My thoughts were chaotic. I saw the light in your window.
- Davis, Gwen is here. - She is?
- You bet I am. - What are you doing here?
No, what are you doing here?
Oh God.
- I am trying so hard to make this marriage work.
Oh, that is rich!
- Rich? - Guys, please.
She promised she would never see him again.
Oh, it's my fault.
Ask Mr. Matrimony when the last time we slept together was.
- What? - You wanna tell her the truth?
- Really? - Once.
Once in I don't want to tell you how long. You want to tell her why?
Me?
Because our Mr. Davis lives with a little, dark secret.
Hey, really, I don't want to get involved.
Oh, but you are involved. You're the secret.
Oh, he's tried to overcome it, God love him.
He's tried to forget about you. For a time, I thought we were really gonna make it.
You felt so close to me then. We used to wash each other's hair.
Everything was just so perfect.
And then came Maui.
What happened in Maui?
Uh, well...
Gwen might as well tell it.
We went there to celebrate his promotion.
He was so happy then, almost too happy. He was working so hard...
to have fun and please me.
He'd chase me into the surf and carry me into the cabana.
He'd dance and we'd drink.
He'd toss nuts in the air and catch them in his mouth,
breaking his tooth so we had to spend the last day of our vacation...
Iooking for a dentist to do an emergency crown.
I'll never forget holding his hand in that dentist's chair,
waiting for him to wake up from the gas they'd given him.
He had that cotton sticking out of his mouth.
When he gazed up at me, he said:
"Becky.
Oh, Becky."
I came here tonight because when you walked out that door...
I had to see if this is where you were gonna go.
Gwen!
- What are we gonna do? - Oh, Davis.
Hey, hey, hey!
That was great. She's definitely starting to come around.
- Thank you. - Just doing my job.
- Did you come up with that on the spur of the moment?
Yeah.
Wow! You're a genius. You're like the Ernest Hemingway of bullshit.
Really, you're like a living work of art.
- Oh, God, I don't... - What?
Thank you.
This is not something we want to force on you by any means.
We'd like you to consider a little reception.
- A what? - People have been coming up to us...
now that the word is out,
and asking what they should do...
in terms of gifts.
- Gifts? - No, no, no. No gifts.
We're not talking anything lavish.
Would this be that I could, like, go register?
Certainly. We could go together.
- Sweetheart? - Yes, honeybun?
Don't you think a reception is a horrible idea?
No.
Our marriage is in a very ambiguous state.
Which is why your mother and I agree that it might be what the doctor ordered.
- Give it a fresh start. - I think you're right.
Another thing, unless this makes you uncomfortable,
I'd like for you to call me "Dad."
Newton?
No, it wouldn't make me feel uncomfortable at all...
Dad.
Shall we?
Let me lay out our thinking here.
Uncles, aunts, cousins, Gwen's parents...
and any siblings or other relatives who'd like to come.
- We'd be delighted to have them. - This is out of control.
A marriage is bigger than two people.
We don't have to invite her family.
Newton, we'd like to meet them. They're our family too.
Well...
Gwen's parents are divorced.
What's more, they hate each other.
If you get the two of them in the same room, it's bedlam.
Am I right?
Oh, you poor thing. I'm so sorry.
I don't think a reception would be wise.
No!
You're angry, aren't you?
- I am not angry. - You're acting like you're angry.
I'm fine, okay? Can we drop it?
- What would you have done? - Davis, I'm not arguing with you.
They're divorced and they hate each other's guts, fine!
I've broken this line,
cantilevered the rafters and run the truss joist this way...
and turned a negative into a positive.
It is so depressing to work alongside someone of your caliber.
- When did you come up with this? - This morning or last night.
You've been here all night?
- Becky thinks I've already got this promotion.
- You told her that? - Gwen did.
So, can you show this to Moseby?
- You better do it. - Why? He likes you!
If I take that in there and Moseby starts carrying on about how brilliant it is,
I'm going to take the credit.
- What? - Mm-hmm.
You're my friend. Where're your ethics?
My ethics are that I know this about myself...
so I'm not going to take this in and screw you over.
Mr. Sharpstein!
Hi, my name's Davis. I'm an architect on the third floor.
Do you think Mr. Moseby might see me?
Let me check.
Mr. Davis from the third floor to see you.
Okay. Go right on in.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
- Davis! You're in a lot of trouble. - Mr. Moseby.
I am?
- How the hell come I never knew you were married?
Hi, honey.
If this little gal hadn't wandered to the wrong floor...
Davis, when one of our young people gets married, I want to be the first to know,
especially when his wife and I have so much in common.
We just figured out Gwen's dad and I fought in the same outfit in the Pacific.
- Really? - Isn't that incredible?
Not half as incredible as the story of meeting the Dunckles.
- The who? - Her parents.
- Oh! Yeah, gosh, was that ever funny. - You thought it was funny?
It was funny at first. There was that incident.
Which made me so angry.
- Yes, but I can explain. - Shake my hand.
You brought that man back to life.
You're an extraordinary human being.
Well, he's just such a great guy, Gwen's dad.
What's Gwen's dad got to do with it?
I'm talking about your dad...
when you sang, "Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral" to him,
bringing tears to his eyes.
Damn, Davis, there's more to you than meets the eye.
And you always seemed a strange duck.
- That's because he's a swan, Mr. Moseby. - Listen to her.
Honey, how come you never invited Mr. Moseby over to the house?
My hubby designed the most beautiful little house.
He did now?
I've got the perfect idea. The reception.
Saturday afternoon, nothing fancy,
just family and friends over.
Oh, I don't want to impose.
No imposition at all, Winston.
And wait until you see this house he designed!
It's particularly great for entertaining.
But you're going to be with your relatives!
Yeah, like, like, like Gwen's dad.
They're driving in from Toledo and I'd love to show you the house.
You and Gwen's dad can catch up on old times.
Well, sounds good.
This is so fantastic! I can't believe you came to help me get this promotion.
This is above and beyond. Gwen, you're amazing.
- Did you notice how I picked up your cue? - Yeah.
This is so interesting, like, your last name is Dunckle.
- I never knew your last name. - It's Buckley.
- Well, technically my husband's name. - You're married?
- Was. - So Dunckle is your maiden name?
Sort of. It was my mom's name.
Maybe my dad's, he was never in the picture.
Who do you consider your parents? Let me put it this way.
Who's the guy in Toledo who watched "Howdy Doody" and served in the South Pacific?
An invention!
The problem is you stink at lying.
- Every time you try, you get us into trouble.
Forgive me, o queen of crap.
- The problem is, you don't have any parents.
No, I don't have parents.
- Did they pass away? - I don't know.
Don't worry, I'll get some.
We are so pleased about the reception.
Your folks are coming to town. You two are getting along.
- We like to think we had a hand in that. - Oh look!
- It looks like something Granny would have.
That's a nice pattern.
- Nice? - What about this?
That I like! That's us.
- Excuse me. - Yes.
I suggested we have the reception.
A marriage is bigger than two people.
I just want to do everything I can to save it.
You're such a great husband, Davis.
- Can I ask you something? - Sure.
When you married Gwen, was it, in some small way,
to get back at me?
To show me what a wonderful husband you would've been?
It probably had something to do with it.
- People do such foolish things! - Oh!
Becky, I feel like I have so much to tell you.
When I first met Gwen, I was still on the rebound.
Oh! Thanks for letting me talk.
- A lot of this is my fault. - No!
If I hadn't turned you down, misjudged you.
I'm so lonely, Davis. The men I date, it never works out.
Most of them are just jerks. They make up stories.
They'll tell you anything to get you into bed.
Then there are the guys like you,
the kind you don't appreciate when you have the chance.
Thanks for letting me talk.
Oh, Davis.
Oh, Becky, I've wanted you for so long.
Oh, Davis.
Ah yes. Oh, Davis.
Oh yes.
No! Wait! Not like this.
- Why? - I can't! I can't be the other woman.
If your marriage ends, it ends, but not because of me.
Can't you understand? You're married!
Come on, come on!
How was your day?
Oh, it was okay.
I was just too tired to make anything other than that.
I brought some Chinese. I figured you'd be exhausted from shopping with my mother.
I get exhausted thinking about it. Did you get a dress?
- You brought me Chinese food? - Yeah.
Did you get a dress for the reception? It's in two days.
Oh yeah.
Would you mind not going around the house dressed like that?
- Like this? - Yes, like that. And not just that.
A lot of what you wear, you look very... pert.
I have to live here too and I wouldn't want to, you know.
What?
To f... f... to confuse the situation!
Like nothing too revealing or too tight?
Tight and revealing, that's fine.
It's like this kind of thing.
Whether you know it or not, it's a turn-on.
Or like this for God's sake.
That's a turn-on?
Are you kidding? You look incredible in this. Just don't wear it.
How 'bout this old thing?
No! Especially not that.
Out of fairness, is there anything I wear that you prefer I didn't?
No.
- Moseby sure is pumped about meeting Gwen's dad.
I know.
If I get through this reception, everything's gonna fall into place.
The promotion, Becky, the whole ball of string.
- You think you're gonna pull this thing off?
Me? Her. Gwen!
She'll pull this off. She's some kind of a genius.
But I want to do something for her after Becky and I are married.
Hell, she's been kicked around so much.
- Gentlemen, welcome to the Budapest. - I don't want to eat here.
- Why? What's wrong? - Gwen.
Gwen? Oh, beautiful Gwen! Where is she?
You can tell Gwen that she can come back anytime. She's always fun for me.
You son-of-a-bitch! Taking advantage of a sweet girl like that.
I'll see you back at the office.
Jesus Christ! Somebody call the cops.
- Call the cops for him. - What are you talking about?
I'm talking about what your boss did to Gwen Dunckle.
Huh?
Or Buckley, rather.
Gwen? You mean Gwen Phillips?
Phillips? Okay, yeah.
- He knows where is Gwen? - Funny you should ask.
You're the one who raised the rent. "Put out or get out."
- Karol did? That's hard to believe. - Why?
Karol doesn't own the apartment and she would have told me.
I've known Gwen since Toledo.
What's that babe up to?
You know Gwen?
Hi.
- Look what Aunt Millie and Uncle Hughie sent.
Nice.
Bumped into Patty today.
- Who? - Waitress at the Budapest?
You might not remember her though she was a good friend. She helped you get your job.
You lived in the same foster home in Toledo for almost four years.
She was offended that you didn't call her after your boss busted in on you.
Imagine his surprise when I dropped in at the restaurant and punched him in the face!
- You did that? - Oh, yes.
You punched Karol in the face just for me?
I punched a totally innocent Hungarian!
I know, but still no one's ever done anything like that for me before.
You lied to me.
Nothing new, I realize. But just for the record,
you lied about having no place to go, didn't you?
This whole thing has been one big put-on. Everything with you is a fake.
I know about you. I know about Ernie Phillips, your knight in shining armor.
I know about finding yourself married in Akron at sixteen.
What difference does it make?
What difference does it make?
It's the difference between fact and fiction, for crying out loud!
Between real and unreal, between human interaction and bullshit.
Just for once, Gwen, just for laughs, tell me the truth.
Tell me why, for God's sake, did you come here?
I, I just wanted to see what it would be like to live in that picture.
Not just the house, but...
the town and...
the people, the life.
I never had anything like that before.
I really didn't intend for it to get this elaborate.
It's just that everyone around here keeps treating me like I'm somebody.
Except you.
What are you doing?
Catching a bus.
This is not something you can just walk out on,
not after all we've been through.
How am I supposed to get the promotion you gave me that Becky thinks I've got,
if Moseby comes tomorrow and finds you gone?
Do yourself a favor, Davis. Let it go.
Hey, we made a deal.
The deal also included that we got divorced, remember?
- I'll pay you alimony. - What?
You just stay and help me through the reception tomorrow.
- I'll, I'll give you a hundred bucks a month.
For life?
Yeah, or until you remarry, that's the custom, isn't it?
You're too much.
So, what do you say?
All right, I'll stay.
Just keep your wallet in your pocket, Davis.
- I want you to have something. - I don't want your money.
I will take the furniture, though.
Okay, George, the turkey's got two more hours.
The jell-o mold's in the fridge.
I'm gonna get to these cookies.
- Sweetheart, did you borrow a punch bowl? - Yeah.
- From Aunt Millie. - Aunt Louise.
- Not Aunt Millie? - Don't start, Pop.
- Gwen's folks in yet? - Yes, she's picking them up now.
Ralph? Mary?
- Hello. - Hey, where you been?
Oh, have I got a job for you.
I'm gonna go in and see if Gwen's folks have arrived.
- You must be the lucky man. - Well...
We're Gwen's folks. I'm Ralph.
Excuse me. Bernie Dunckle, U.S.S. Pennsylvania,
Assistant Gunner's Mate. That's Mary.
- Hello. - Hello.
- They look good. Where'd you get 'em? - I knew them at the Budapest.
- Uh-oh, here we... Let me get that, Mom. - Oh, thank you.
All right, big moment now.
George and Edna Davis, Bernie and Mary Dunckle.
- Here you go. - I'll take that.
Put her there, pal.
- Hello. - Oh, yes, hello.
I can't tell you how delighted we are that our peach...
did so goddamn well for herself.
A firm grip. I like that.
- You know this is a damn nice adobe. - Thank you, Bernie.
Okay, let's start off with one of Gwen with her folks.
- I'm not dressed yet. - You look fine.
Mom, the guests are starting to arrive.
Leave your mother be. She's excited. All right.
Let's have one with just the moms.
You take this. Bernie and I will go and break the ice.
- Break it? Let's melt it. - George!
- Ray! - Oh, Ray!
I brought the whole clan with me.
- Bernie Dunckle, U.S.S. Pennsylvania. - Bernie!
Come on over.
- No, Bobo. Come on, outside. - What a greeting!
Gwen! Mary! Where did they get off to?
Here you go.
Hello.
Oh... my... God.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
- Where's Gwen? - I was just going to ask you that.
Hi!
Sweetheart, the guests are arriving. You're needed pronto.
Is that the best you could do for parents?
You got them off the street, for God's sake!
Gwen? Gwen! Oh God!
I see you.
Would you please get the hell away from the keyhole?
- What is it? What's going on? - Just go away.
Moseby's going to be here and your parents can't carry it off without you.
Please, Gwen.
- Here is the bedroom... - Gwen!
- Something wrong, son? - Uh, no.
- Is Gwen in there? - She won't come out.
She's nervous or something.
Oh boy, Moseby's here. Oh God, all right.
Moseby? U.S.S. Pennsylvania!
Stay! Stay!
Stay! Hi, how are you?
- Davis, you look great! - Maybe you should talk to her.
Hello?
It's Mommy, angel.
We're all waiting for you.
- Nice house, Newton! - Great, thank you.
- Where's Gwen? - Oh, sorry.
- Oh, Becky. Hi. - Hi.
- Uh, where's Gwen? - She's in her room and she won't come out.
- She wanted this reception. - This is what it's like with her.
I try, and I try, and I try.
- Davis, there you are! - Mr. Moseby.
It was great talking, Aunt Bea.
- Where's Gwen's dad? - Let's take a look.
Talk to me, sweetheart. What is it?
He's such a lovely young man, with a beautiful house...
and a wonderful family.
What's the matter?
It's all gonna end.
What is, sweetheart?
You wouldn't understand, Mom. Now, go away.
I wouldn't understand? Your own mother?
Please, Gwen, don't shut me out.
Don't keep shutting me out of your life.
Don't treat me like a stranger, someone you just met on the street.
Is one of these guys Gwen's dad?
- Gee, I don't know. It was 40 years ago. Hi.
Hi, Newton.
- I think maybe this guy? - That guy?
No, not that guy. These are all old men now.
Not old men. But let's, let's go look for him up in the loft.
You're breaking your mother's heart, young lady!
- Don't yell at her. - She's my daughter too.
She probably locked herself in the bedroom...
because she didn't wanna watch you get drunk!
So, it's my fault, is it? That's right, always blame me.
- It's not like you were a lousy mother. - Bernie.
You wanna see drinking, I'll show you drinking.
Oh no.
Both bookcases are counterweighted so they can pivot easily,
- enabling the entire room to be opened up. - Hmm.
Where's Gwen's dad and Gwen?
They might be in the kitchen. I wanted to show the kitchen...
because a lot of architects forget about the kitchen.
Gwen?
I don't know what all the situation is between you and your folks,
or between you and Newton, for that matter.
So, I can't give you advise.
I won't tell you what to do.
I, I can only say, we love you, Gwen.
You're family now.
I don't know if that means anything anymore.
But, we're here for you, sweetheart,
if you need us.
You are still in there, aren't you?
With the furnace positioned that way, the duct work is minimized.
- I want to show you the front closet. - You don't think they're in there?
- No, no. - Hi, Newton.
How were you able to do this on your salary?
Mainly I borrowed from my dad. You know how he and I are.
- I wanna show you the windows. - Moseby!
- Yes? - Assistant Gunner's Mate, Bernard Dunckle.
- U.S.S. Pennsylvania. - Seaman Third Class, Winston Moseby.
This is great. Your face is familiar.
- I was thinking the same about you. - I'm just gonna say one word.
- "Midway." - Oh, what a night!
We got hit midships by a torpedo.
Just then a Japanese zero comes in real low.
I get him in my sights, flames all around.
Gun's so hot I can hardly handle it. Rat-tat-tat, rat-tat-tat.
I get him! Take that, you motherless son of Hirohito!
Then we spot another one!
- We weren't attacked by zeroes! - You calling me a liar?
- Oh no. - Son, I think you should talk to Gwen.
- Whose side were you on? - I can't now.
- It's important you talk to her. - Who won the '43 world series?
- Bernie. Pop! - Newton!
- Daddy! - Gwen!
Winston, hi. That's not what happened at all.
- It isn't? - No. I mean...
Dad went through quite a lot during... you know, the big one.
Iwo?
Happened to a lot of good men.
Yeah!
- I wanted to show you... - So beautiful!
- Uh-huh. - Davis, would you sing "Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral"?
- What? - This would be the perfect time.
I was so moved by that story when you brought tears to your father's eyes.
- No, no, no. - It would mean a great deal to me.
Davis has consented to sing a song...
which is very special to him and his dad.
Come on, sing.
? Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral ?
? Too-ra-loo-ra-lie ?
? Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral ?
? Hush now don't ye cry ?
? Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral ?
? Too-ra-loo-ra-lie ?
? Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral ?
? It's an Irish ?
? Lullaby ??
Sing "Roll out the barrel."
Put a lid on it, will you, Mom?
Don't take that tone of voice with your mother. Show some respect.
Winston.
Why, thank you, Bernie.
Something funny?
Oh, we were just telling "Davis" stories.
Oh, how fun!
Davis! Davis!
Do you remember that time you built that tree house in my parent's backyard?
- It was so incredible. - Davis built me a tree house.
He did?
Yes, on our honeymoon night.
- Really? - Uh-hmm. In a big tree up in the Boston Common.
The cops didn't stop you hammering away in the middle of Boston Common?
Remember you used to play a concertina?
Davis?
I prefabricated the panels and secured it to the trees with cable suspension.
Isn't he the greatest?
What line of work are you in, Bernie?
- I'm retired. - Oh? From what?
From all the big, hairy bullshit.
Davis, do you remember our adventure walks?
- Huh? Oh, yeah. - This one time...
we went lookin' for a crashed meteor.
Son, could we speak to you a second?
We've been talking with Mary...
and she wants to get back together with Bernie.
Your father and I were thinking, if they could be close to Gwen...
- Like we're close to you. - Right.
Well, I'll, I'll build them a cottage across the pond.
Davis, did we or did we not adventure walk from Manhattan to Boston?
- Yes, we did. - Satisfied?
- I never said you didn't. - Ha! Like hell!
Do you think, for instance,
that this boy could have designed a house as creative as this...
on a corporate, kiss-ass committee?
All I said was that you and Davis are well-suited for each other.
- I know what that means. - I meant you're both creative.
In other words, we're both liars. I hope you're hearing this.
- Sweetheart! - Are you listening to what she's saying?
- I don't hear anything. - That's exactly the problem.
You don't hear and you don't see.
Don't you think I know you're in love with my husband?
Do you think I don't know about your sympathy for him for having a fruitcake like me?
You had your chance. You had it building your tree house,
on adventure walks and on the day he offered you this house, and you blew it.
I'm the one who found him.
I'm the one who knows what he's worth and you're the one he wants.
You're the one he wants, goddamnit!
I, I'm sorry. I, I better go after her.
- Davis! - I'm sorry about this and about my father.
I remember Bernie. He was always that way.
I don't know what's going on, but keep this in mind.
I wouldn't have seen this house if it weren't for that wife or giving you the promotion...
if I hadn't seen this house.
You are the best. It was miraculous!
I got the promotion.
- Can I have your handkerchief, please? - What?
Oh, yeah, right.
It all looked so hopeless, especially between Becky and your dad,
I mean, Ralph.
In one stroke, you fixed everything.
Smashing the gifts was a bit over the top but who am I to complain?
You did it, Gwen. You did it!
- I want this marriage to work. - What?
You heard me, damn it. Was Maui nothing to you?
Or Boomer, the way we were able to work that out? Okay, we had counseling.
I'm not saying everything is perfect...
but I really think this marriage is worth saving.
What marriage?
Gwen?
Gwen.
Would you mind taking me into town, please?
- Sure. - Thank you.
Gwen!
Gwen!
- She left me. She left me, Becky. - Oh, Davis.
I don't know what got into her.
I thought the relationship was going fine. I, I really did.
You tried. You did your best.
I was never dishonest with her.
I always told her the truth about you, everything.
Davis?
Was it true about the way you met her in the hospital,
about the way you got married,
the trip to Maui and building that tree house?
Look at me, I'm crying like an idiot.
Oh, of course you're crying.
I mean, I'm really... God, Becky!
Oh, Davis.
Just tell me the truth.
- Becky? - Yes?
Everything she said was true.
Gwen! Gwen!
Gwen, Gwen!
I love you, Gwen. I wanna marry you.
Is that it?
Well, yeah.
Look, Davis, we're not right for each other.
- What? - I can see that now.
I don't want you to feel bad about any of this.
You were really kind of decent to me, most of the time.
I can change, Gwen. I can live in a make-believe world.
Hell, I already was. Half the things we tell ourselves are fiction.
The only thing I know that's real is that I love you.
I used to think that was enough too.
- Isn't it? - Step aboard, please.
Wait!
Don't you remember the time I had myself delivered to you in a box for your birthday?
And how the guy I paid screwed up...
and delivered me to the wrong apartment?
And how the lady who opened the box...
freaked out and started screaming?
And I ran out just as you poked your head into the hall.
The next thing I know, this one's bashing me for having an affair...
and this one's bashing me for being some kind of...
gift-wrapped pervert?
All I had to protect myself was a dozen roses.
And you never even read the note.
What did the note say?
I'll tell you what it said. It said...
Marry me, Gwen. I'm lost without you.
What about my parents?
I love you, Gwen.
Actually, it's Jessica.