Hot to Trot (1988) - full transcript
Fred P. Chaney receives as inheritance after the death of his mother a speaking horse that also has good knowledge about the stock-market. With the help of this horse Fred gains a lot at the stock-market of Chicago.
Captioning made possible by
Warner Bros.
Horse.
Noun. Plural, horses.
Definition 1.
A male horse,
a stallion or gelding.
Definition 2.
Any large solid-hoofed...
Herb--herbi--herbo...
Aw! Forget it!
Some
anthropological-type guys
claim that
prehistoric horses
had larynx muscles
in their throats.
[Clearing throat]
Recent findings suggest
that this gene
actually had been passed
down for generations.
Some primitive cultures
believed that the equine
was created
in god's image--
noble, mighty, brilliant,
sublime!
It was only
after he finished
perfecting his masterpiece
known as horse
that god turned
his attention
to the lesser animal.
Look at this guy.
Ha ha ha!
O.k., honey.
Come on.
I don't know why
we have to keep hiding
like this.
Honey, your wife's
been dead for two days!
I know.
But the funeral.
The funeral
doesn't start
for a good hour.
Oh, son of a bitch.
For god's sake!
Buenos dias, señor.
I'm not here,
Carlos.
Very sorry to hear
about your wife.
Right, right.
Not now, for
Christ's sake.
[Muttering in Spanish]
First it was
your office,
then it was the motel 8.
Why can't you take me
somewhere by the ocean
with room service?
I can't wait
till we get married.
I don't know
if I remember
how to make love
in a bed anymore.
Walter.
Huh?
Walter.
That horse.
What about him?
I don't know.
It's like he
knows something.
Louise, come on.
Walter! Walter.
Walter!
What?
It's that horse!
What about him?
Can't we use blinders
or something?
All right.
Not me, the horse.
Hmm.
Next week--
dog meat.
Hi, Carlos.
Your stepfather
no here.
He's in stall 47.
Aah!
[Horse neighs]
Fred.
M-M-My mother
just died!
Think this is easy
for me?
Aah!
Aah!
Ha ha ha!
Buy 10,000 shares
of cromwell
from Mrs. Bucktad.
But we just sold
10,000 shares to her.
We did.
Oh, right,
the commission.
Right.
The commission.
Every time we buy
or sell a stock,
we make a commission.
That's how we make
our living.
Just buy the stock.
The old bitch
is made of money.
She won't
even notice.
Have you seen
the moron?
Fred? No.
Tell him
I want to see him.
Yes, sir.
Allison.
Aah!
Sorry. Oh!
It was my fault.
It doesn't matter.
Are you doing o.K.?
Yeah.
Well, if there's
anything that I can do...
Just let me know.
I'm telling you, Jack,
we never officially
changed ownership
of the damned business!
She left her half to him!
Well, wha--
yes, reverend.
Yes.
God bless you,
too, sir.
Oh, Freddy,
this man...
He makes it
a little easier.
I'm sorry, Freddy.
Sit down.
You know, Fred,
times like these,
I always felt
people should be close
to those they love.
Yeah, right.
Freddy, what do
you think of me?
Um...
I--i--i don't
want to be rude,
but, uh, I think
you're, like,
the lowest scumbag
on the face
of the earth.
But do you like me?
Oh, that's not
important.
Let me just come
right to the point.
I have a copy
of your mother's will.
You may or may not
know this.
We kept half
of the brokerage
in her name
for tax reasons.
Because her death
was so sudden,
we didn't have time
to change the darn thing.
She's left
all her assets--
that's one horse
and, uh...
Half the brokerage--
to you.
So that means
half the firm
is--is mine?
Well, legally, yes.
That's why I think
you're going to be
a very happy young man.
I'm prepared
to buy you out
at what I think
is an excellent price.
What if I don't want
to sell it?
Once again,
you'd be stupid.
You take this offer.
Trust me on this.
There you go.
That's cash--
mostly cash.
Hi, Fred.
Walter asked me to pack
your things for you.
Every dog has
his day, Sawyer.
Aah!
Aah!
O.k., so where's Don?
Straight ahead.
I could probably, like,
sell this thoroughbred
for a lot of cash,
right?
[Coughs]
Señor chaney,
this is Don.
Is he sick?
No. He always
looks like that.
He's all yours.
Buenos noches.
Thanks.
That Sawyer,
the guy ain't...
Ahh!
He's such a...
Dick? Ha ha ha!
Yeah.
Fred, we've got to talk.
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Jesus! Don't scream
like that.
Aah!
[Telephone rings]
Hello.
Listen, Sawyer!
I know what
you're trying to do,
and it's not
going to work!
Fred, come over here.
Come on. Come on.
Now, listen, Fred.
Now, Fred--aah!
[Mumbling]
...talk!
Aah!
Would you calm down?
We've got to talk.
There's an old truck
parked out back.
I left the keys
under the visor.
Let's get out of here.
Oh, fresh air!
Now, where was I?
I speak human, giraffe,
worm, toad, whale--
humpback and sperm.
You might say
I'm a four-legged
Dr. Doolittle.
So, Don, do all horses
speak English?
What, are you kidding?
Look, all horses can
understand English,
but only the chosen
can speak it.
What about, like,
Mr. Ed?
Mr. Ed!
[Spits]
That's what I think.
Every word was dubbed!
His lips
were moving.
A stagehand was shoving
a carrot up his butt!
I guess you're curious
about my childhood.
Not particularly.
Well, I was raised
on a small farm.
Oh, I was restless.
Wild, I guess
you could call it.
My old man and I
never got along.
Finally, I just split.
A few weeks later
I met Gideon Cole.
Oh, he was
a great blues singer.
He was a blind man.
You know, for a while,
I had him convinced
I was a short, hairy
Italian boy from the Bronx.
Terrible, I know,
but it's true.
Hey, Gideon,
my hoofs are killing me.
What the hell?
God, that Gideon!
He had a terrific
sense of rhythm
but a real shitty sense
of balance.
He used to stand
on the edge of the boxcar.
One day the train
made a sudden stop,
he went flying off.
I guess he's riding
that great freight train
in the sky...
Or spitting out dirt.
After that, I met up
with your real father, Dave.
We were two of a kind.
♪ Since my baby
left me ♪
♪ I've found a new place
to dwell ♪
♪ huh! ♪
♪ Down at the end
of lonely street ♪
♪ heartbreak hotel ♪
♪ I get so lonely, baby ♪
♪ I get so lonely ♪
♪ baby, I get so lonely
I could die ♪♪
Aw, we loved the king.
You know, we saw
blue Hawaii 12 times.
When he died, and your
mother married Sawyer,
I stayed in the stable.
I haven't spoken
to anybody in a long time.
I'm glad
you came along, Fred.
You're
a talking horse.
You could
make a fortune.
Sure, you just get up
in front of people
and talk. Ha!
Go public,
do the talk shows--
letterman, donahue,
Carson, Geraldo Rivera.
Oprah Winfrey!
It's not that easy,
Freddy boy.
I wish it was.
The talking world
can put
an unbelievable amount
of pressure on an animal,
especially when
you're a horse.
For example, take my
brother Lou...Please.
You'll like Lou.
You've got a lot
in common.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, oh, oh!
My proboscis!
Doctor, this operation
shall go down in history.
Fred, watch this.
Ha ha ha!
Paging Mr. Horse,
Mr. Lou horse.
Paging Mr. Horse.
I'm Lou.
Jeez, Lou!
Are you stupid!
Hello, Lou.
Woo woo woooble woo!
Certainly.
Good to see you, too.
Where's mom and pop?
Look who's back.
Pop, this is my friend.
Is it male or female?
I can't tell when
they have clothes on.
It's a guy, pop.
His name is Fred.
It's a pleasure
meeting you, sir.
[Neighs]
Hey, and this is my mom.
She doesn't talk,
but she understands.
[Neighs]
Ma, I can't
ask him that!
She wants to know
what it's like
to face somebody
during sex.
Since you're here,
come in.
♪ Meow meow meow meow ♪
♪ meow meow meow meow... ♪♪
He never writes,
he never calls,
now he brings home
a human!
You know how they are.
He probably wants
something to eat.
Fred, listen to me.
Never have kids.
They'll break
your heart.
Look what
we ended up with--
James Dean
and the fourth stooge.
You know when I think
Lou started to crack?
When?
When he saw
the godfather.
You know, that scene...
With the horse's head.
Yeah, that was
his favorite actor.
Well, um, it was
a pleasure meeting you,
but, um...
It's getting kind of late,
and I've got to head
back into town.
Good luck with Lou.
Goodbye, Don.
What?
Hey, Fred, wait up.
[Neighs]
You think
I was hard on him?
What are you
going to do
with your half
of the business?
I guess I'll sell it
to Sawyer.
Do you know anything
about the stock market?
Not much.
I used to work
at the brokerage,
but Sawyer kept me
in the mail room.
Said I didn't have
the right image.
It was depressing,
so I quit.
You know what
would burn
that bozo's butt
good?
What?
If you ran with your
half of the business.
I couldn't do that.
I've listened
to those brokers.
They don't know anything
you don't know.
It would be fun
to see the look
on Sawyer's face
if I became his partner.
Maybe that's why your
mom left it to you.
Give it a shot.
We'll talk
on the way home.
Home?
I'll move in
with you.
Uh-uh.
You can't live with me.
Why not?
'Cause you're a horse.
"'Cause I'm a horse,"
is that what you said?
I knew this would
come up eventually.
You stay here
with your family.
Take care of Lou.
You're all bigots!
With your automobiles,
your pants, and your
postal systems!
♪ La la la la ♪
I can't hear you.
♪ La la la la ♪♪
Bye, Don!
Fred, Fred!
Hello, Allison. Ow!
Decide to take
my offer?
No, I've decided
to work.
Vern...vernie,
can I get back
to you?
O.k., pal.
What do you
mean, work?
Well, like, you know,
you and me,
we're partners.
I'm into this thing
50-50 with you.
That's going to be
my office.
Right down the middle
of the conference room,
that'll be
the dividing line.
So, if you need me,
just, like, hoot.
You know, hoot!
Freddy, what are you
talking about?
You want me to raise
the buyout offer?
No.
All right, you win.
I'll double the price.
That's fair enough.
Deal?
I've got a lot
of important
business stuff to do.
Freddy, you can't be
a broker.
Why not?
Who in
their right mind
would give you
their money?
You'd be quite surprised.
I would be
friggin' amazed.
I don't have time now.
If I need you, I'll call.
See you later, partner.
Hello. This is
the chairman of the board
of Sawyer company.
I'd like to order
some pizzas.
Get him out of here,
Osborne.
I don't care
what it takes.
Get him out of here,
and I'll give you...
Something.
♪ Da da da da ♪
♪ de de de dede do ♪
♪ da Willy nap jah ♪
♪ haaa ♪♪
Hello, baby.
Ha ha ha!
The king is
back in town.
[Door slides open]
Huh?
[Woman] Ted,
where are you going?
Be right back,
sweet lips.
Got to make
a quick call.
Well, make it fast.
Bob, it's Ted.
I can't find Sawyer.
If we don't tell him
microcorp's making
a takeover bid for ventura
in the next hour,
we'll lose lots
of money.
Whoever buys ventura
is going to clean up.
Hmm!
Ted, I'm cold!
O.k. Bye.
Sorry, sweetheart.
Something important
came up.
Hmm...
Be right back, toots.
[Humming
we're in the money]
Hey, what is this!
Somebody
locked the door!
[Don]
Ha ha ha!
Hey! Somebody unlock
this door!
Your daughter--
[telephone rings]
Hang on.
Hello, um,
Fred p. Chaney here.
How can I help you?
Walter, listen carefully.
This isn't Walter.
Shut up, Walter!
We don't have much time.
Microcorp is going
to make a bid for ventura.
Ventura! Buy ventur--
Denise!
Get in here right away!
Please!
We need to buy something
called ventura.
[Humming
we're in the money]
Sorry, my pet.
Now, where were we?
What's he doing?
He just dumped
a big wad into ventura.
Ventura?
What's it going for?
Yesterday, it was
a robust 2 1/2.
Today, Osborne!
Yes, sir.
Wait a minute.
That's the company
Ted was supposed to call
about a takeover bid.
Ugh! 28, sir.
28 1/2.
29.
Buy whatever
you can get.
It's frozen.
Oh, Mr. Chaney!
Yeah! Yeah!
How did he know that?
Sorry, he's
in conference now.
Mr. Chaney's office.
Could you please hold?
[Loud rock music playing]
♪ Rock 'n' roll
loudmouth ♪
♪ chewin' my plaque ♪
♪ chokin' everyone now ♪
♪ right behind my back ♪
♪ do us all a favor,
get yourself a spine ♪
♪ everybody's chokin'
on the police line ♪
♪ uh-uh ♪
♪ chew my boot ♪
♪ spew the line ♪
♪ ah-ah ♪♪
The owners were hesitant
to rent to a single
man your age.
I assured them you were
dressed very nicely,
and your appearance
was, uh...
Shall we go in?
Holy shit.
I beg your pardon?
Uh...wow!
Living room,
dining room, kitchen.
I told them
to leave the piano.
I didn't know
how you felt,
but I think it lends
a certain je ne sais quoi.
Yeah! Um, yeah!
I think you'll get
a kick out of this.
What is it,
a little yard?
It's an atrium.
Oh, an atrium.
Yeah, I had
one of these
in the last place
I lived.
[Music plays]
Aah!
Um, umm...
That's really tasteful.
It looks like a--
a disco for ferns.
You must have
a lot of job stress.
No.
I mean, nothing
I can't handle.
Well, I'm sure you'll
be very happy here.
Enjoy your new space.
Well, thank you
for showing me
my n-new space.
♪ A-Aah ♪
♪ haaah ♪
♪ ughhh ♪
♪ wop bop a loo bop ♪
♪ ba lop bop bom ♪
♪ tutti frutti,
oh, rudi ♪
♪ tutti frutti,
oh, whooo ♪
♪ tutti frutti,
oh, rudi ♪
♪ tutti frutti,
oh, rudi ♪
♪ tutti frutti,
oh, rudi ♪
♪ wop bop a loo bop ♪
♪ ba lop bop bom ♪
♪ I got a gal named sue ♪
♪ she knows
just what to do, woo ♪
♪ got a gal named sue ♪
♪ she knows
just what to do ♪
♪ she knows how to love me,
yes, indeed ♪
Hello. Information?
No, I just wanted
to call you.
Guess where
I'm calling from.
Yes, my car!
Listen.
That was traffic.
♪ Oh, rudi ♪
♪ tutti frutti,
oh, rudi ♪
♪ a wop bop a loo bop ♪
♪ ba lop bop bom ♪
♪ I got a gal
named Daisy ♪
♪ she almost
drives me crazy ♪
♪ got a gal named Daisy,
she almost ♪
These babies sure have
excellent speakers, huh?
♪ Yes, indeed ♪
♪ boy, you don't know
what she do to me ♪
♪ tutti frutti,
oh, rudi ♪
♪ tutti frutti, whooo ♪
♪ tutti frutti,
oh, rudi ♪
♪ tutti frutti,
oh, rudi ♪
♪ tutti frutti,
oh, rudi ♪
♪ a wop bop a loo bop ♪
♪ ba lop bam boom ♪♪
Hey, boy wonder.
Got any hot tips
for a coworker?
Um, no, not today.
Although
I was looking
at the numbers
on microdynamics,
and they look
quite promising.
Well, um...
They just declared
bankruptcy this morning.
Oh, yeah, that's
what I thought.
I was wondering,
like,
if you weren't
doing anything
on Friday night,
if you'd go
to a movie with me?
Say what?
That's my bowling
league night.
Hmm.
What's this?
"New partner
makes big waves."
Hmm.
Well, well,
Mr. Photogenic.
Fred, it's time
I paid you a visit.
Ow.
[Groaning]
Don!
Ohh.
Are you
the grim reaper?
No, it's Fred!
Oh, Fred,
I'm coughing.
Listen.
[Cough cough]
I need a priest.
I'm getting a vet!
No! No vets!
Fred,
before I pass on,
I want to tell you
how happy I am
that you've made it
and you're rich
and that you live
in a big, beautiful,
roomy, palatial--
you better come upstairs
and eat something.
Gee, Fred, I wouldn't
want to impose on you.
No! I insist.
Come on.
Boy, I really
appreciate this, Fred.
I don't want
to inconvenience you.
[Cough]
I don't want
to be a burden.
Can I have cable?
Whoa!
Padded elevator!
Fred, you've
really made it.
Makes me happy to know
that I've helped.
What do you mean
you helped?
You remember, Fred.
That anonymous tip
about the ventura
takeover.
That was you?
Walter, buy ventura!
Buy ventura!
I owe all this
to a horse?
Well, Fred,
I wouldn't want you
to feel obligated
or anything,
but, uh...You know.
Come on.
Wow! This place reminds
me of the Vatican.
Shh! Animals aren't
allowed in here.
O.k., Fred.
My lips are sealed.
Mr. Chaney?
Hey! Watch
the tail!
Ahh!
Was that a horse?
No!
My friends and myself,
um, we're on our way
to a costume party.
Rather authentic
costume.
Well, they're real
sticklers for details.
Right, fellas?
Yes, Fred.
Yo, Fred.
Sí, Fred.
Man,
that was close!
I'll go get you
a beverage.
Yeah.
Something diet, please.
Hey, Fred!
Nice digs you got here.
Very tasteful.
This will do just fine.
Only one thing
is wrong.
What, outside of a horse
being in here?
It just doesn't
look lived in.
It feels like
there should be
plastic covers
on the chairs
or ropes around
the furniture
or something.
I like it
just the way it is.
O.k., Fred.
You're the boss.
Yeah.
I am the boss!
There's going
to be a few rules.
Stay away from the
windows and the doors!
If that jerk sees you,
boom!
We're out of here!
These rugs, you know,
they're brand-new.
No problem!
No problem at all!
I just hope you read
a lot of newspapers.
Yeah, I
almost got married.
I was living with this
hot-blooded arabian.
You lived
with somebody?
No way!
Oh, I loved it,
and I hated it.
What did you
love about it?
Everything.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
What did you hate?
Everything else.
So I wake up,
I'm butt-naked!
Everybody's
looking at me.
That was the last time
I ever drank Tequila!
I hear you!
No explosives! We can't risk
closing off the nest.
Can we use gas?
No. It might poison
the whole city!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Classic! Classic!
[Playing
the star-spangled banner]
[Snoring]
Fred,
are you asleep?
Uh-huh!
Thanks for
everything, Fred.
You're my kind
of people.
I like you,
too, Don.
Good night, Fred.
♪ Hmm hmm hmm
hmm hmm hmm ♪
Interests rates aren't
going to go up any higher,
so I'm staying out
of the bond market.
What do you think?
You really want
to know what I think?
I think you better
get a bigger scooper.
Hey, wait a second.
Here's a good spot.
[Speaking Spanish]
Mr. Chaney, please!
It's just a horse!
Yes, I know
it's a horse!
But why?
Um, it's only
for a couple days!
He's like
a family member.
Which side?
Please, Mr. Chaney!
[Speaking Spanish]
♪ Da da da ♪♪
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Thank you
very much.
Oh, that's
very good.
Oh, sorry.
Very good.
Very good.
[Telephone rings]
Huh! I don't want
to go to school.
[Ring]
[Ring]
Hello. Fred p. Chaney.
Can I help you?
Sorry to bother you,
but business week
called.
They wanted
to talk to you.
They wanted
to talk to me?
Yeah. They were offering
16 weeks for 12.98.
That's 25 cents off
the newsstand price,
so I grabbed it.
You called
to tell me that?
No. I called because
we're invited
to a party on
the seventh floor.
When are you
coming home?
I'm bored.
When I'm done with work.
Bye, Don.
3rd floor...
4th floor...
5th floor...
6th floor...
7th floor...
Single man!
Aah!
Just the man
I was looking for.
For what?
For what?
Oh, you're so funny!
Ha ha ha!
I'm so glad
you're here.
I've seen you
in the building.
Have some dip.
Do you like
anchovies?
Mm!
Aah!
I love the eighties!
A woman can walk
a man home, too.
Won't you
invite me in?
No!
Will you hate me
in the morning?
No. I hate you
right now!
May I come in?
Good night.
Thank you.
This is nice.
Look what you've done
with this place.
Ooh!
What a neat statue!
This is beautiful!
And so lifelike!
Yeah. It's like that
even after I go swimming.
What?
What did you say?
I said, it's like that
even after I go
swimming,
toots!
Aah!
Aah!
Was it something
I said?
Aah!
[Burp]
You pig!
Say what?
Sorry.
Hmm.
Thank you.
You saved me tonight.
She wasn't so bad.
Yes, she was bad!
She reminds me of
Catherine the great.
Fred, I got
a hot tip for you.
Uh, coffee.
Coffee?
Mm-hmm! Mm-hmm!
Mm-hmm!
Trust me.
What's he
buying now?
Coffee.
Coffee hasn't done
shit in 3 years.
How could he know
about coffee?
The white zone is
for Fred p. Chaney only.
Where does he get
his information?
He couldn't possibly
find out himself.
Maybe you're
underestimating him.
You're a clever girl,
Allison.
Why don't you find out?
Heh heh heh heh...
Allison wants
to go out with you?
Yeah. Can you
blame her?
Who's picking up
the check?
Would you please
get over there?
She'll be up
here any minute.
Look at my teeth.
I hate my teeth.
They're kind of bucked.
Your teeth
look fine,
but you should
use a waterpic.
Hey, Fred, look.
Oo ho ho ho ho!
Yeah!
I'm Elvis.
Elvis?
Get over there,
will you?
I don't understand
why you asked her
up here.
I want her
to see the place.
Yeah, you got this place
for her benefit.
What do you mean?
You're living here to
impress people like her.
I like living here!
It's sickening the way
you're laying it on for her.
People should like you
just the way you are.
Thank you, Elvis.
And another thing...
What's the deal
with the ponytail?
It's like you're doing
an impression of me.
How about picking up
your dirty underwear?
And the toilet seat!
Why can't you remember
to put it down?
You know,
two of us live here!
Hi, Fred.
Hi!
Mind if I come in?
Yeah! I--i mean no.
Please, come in.
[Don] Yeah, I mean no.
Oh, please come in.
[Thunder]
That's an--
that's an atrium.
Pretty, huh?
Kind of one of the selling
points of the place.
It's--it's great!
So, you like it?
Uh-oh.
Yeah. It's great.
It's just--
you don't think
it's too much?
Uh, I would love
to see the kitchen.
Uh, you know, jeez!
Look what time it is!
We should head
to the restaurant.
Ah-choo!
[Blows nose]
Uh-oh.
Woof! Woof!
You have a dog?
Y-Yeah, yeah, um...
I got to go
powder my nose!
I'll be right back,
o.K.? Please?
I'll be out
in a moment!
What are you doing?
Fred?
She's not buying
the dog bit?
Woof! Woof!
Whoops!
Fred?
I'll be out
in a minute!
There's a horse
in here!
Uh, where?
You know,
if it's not cockroaches,
it's palominos.
Fred, you're living
with a horse.
Like, who doesn't?
Woof! Woof! Woof!
Woof! Ha ha ha ha!
I'm sure
he's a great pet,
but why don't you
keep him in a stable?
Uh, I like
having him around.
He's kind of like
my good luck charm.
Fred,
everybody at work
is trying to figure out
where you're getting
these big stock tips from.
Don.
Don.
The horse?
Yeah. He's, um...
He's a genius.
My lingwenis
is very, very good!
It's Linguini.
Asalinguini?
Ling-ui-ni.
Tastes a lot
like spaghetti.
Penthouse.
The horse talks
just like us.
I believe you.
I used to have
an invisible friend.
No, I'm serious.
You'll see.
Talk, god damn it.
Please, Don,
say something.
Honestly, he
really does talk.
Normally,
I can't shut him up.
Hi, Allison.
It's a pleasure
to meet you.
Fred is always
talking about you.
Thanks for
dinner, Fred.
I had
a good time.
Penthouse.
It was strange,
but I had
a good time.
Could we do it again
sometime?
Ha ha ha!
Woof! Woof!
Did you hear that?
Aah!
Gee, whoa!
Aah!
How was your date,
Romeo? Get any?
It was just fine!
Do you mind? This is
my favorite movie.
I don't recall
you being in it.
I can't believe
I told her you talked.
She probably
thinks I'm insane.
I don't like her.
She's phony.
She's got
a terrible nose job.
That's her
original nose.
How would you know?
You should see
yourself with her.
You're pathetic.
Do you know
what you are?
You're jealous.
What? Ha!
Don't make me laugh!
You're jealous!
Kiss my butt.
I've never been
jealous in my life.
Fred,
let's not fight.
Let's drive
to the country.
This town's
driving us crazy.
Night, Don!
I wonder what mom's
cooking for dinner.
[Moaning]
That's pop.
Something's wrong!
I'll be right back.
Don, it's about time
you got here.
I'm dying, son.
Don't talk
like that, pop.
A horse knows
when his time is near.
[Cough cough]
There are signs.
Your tongue darkens,
your eyes water,
your mind goes.
Your tongue darkens.
Your balls shrink...
Easy, pop. Easy.
[Whinny]
Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey.
I had an uncle
named Lou.
Soitainly.
Son, before I die...
You've got
to promise me
that you'll pass on
your special gift...
Of speech...
To an heir.
Why me, pop?
What about Lou?
Yesterday your mother
caught Lou
trying to mount
a Volvo station wagon.
You're our only hope.
[Whinny]
You don't understand.
I'm a loner, a rebel.
You're a bum!
[Cough]
Don, you're the last
of the chosen.
We need an heir.
Son, quit screwing around.
It's time you met
the right girl,
settle down,
become a father.
Oh, promise me, boy.
O.k., pop, o.K.
I promise.
I promise.
[Kicking the bucket]
Well, there
he is, boys--
top money-winning
4-year-old
on the west coast.
Next month he's in the
El Segundo stakes.
He'll beat any plug
they put up.
Is this place ripe,
or what?
There's your partner's
newest thoroughbred.
Yeah.
Wait here.
I got to go pay
for your feed.
Must have cost a lot.
He did indeed, but
he'll make it back--
first with his legs
of course,
and then with his--
Walter!
Walter!
She's wonderful.
I love her.
Are you happy,
honey?
Yes.
Then I'm happy.
That's
my satin doll.
She's escorting
the lord
at the stakes.
Satin doll's
a dressage horse
I bought for Victoria.
Hmm.
Hmm!
Va-va-va-voom!
Whoa!
Be still,
my beating heart.
Je t'aime.
What a perfect form!
Ooh! What legs!
What a tail!
Ooh! What a saddle!
Check out the mane
on that tomato!
Whoo!
[Wolf whistle]
Ya! Na-na-na-na-nan!
Baby!
Take it nice and easy.
Just be cool.
Whatever you do,
don't show her your teeth.
I hope
you don't think
I'm coming on
too strong for you,
but what can I say?
That's the kind
of guy I am. Ha ha!
Walter, what's that horse
doing with my satin doll?
Freddy, get him away from
my horse, for god's sake!
Sorry. Come on,
let's get out of here.
Maybe I'll see you
later, huh?
She was staring
right at my teeth!
Is this the samurai
florist shop?
[Speaking Japanese]
I'd like
to order flowers
for a miss satin doll
at the claremont Ridge
riding club.
A lovely arrangement.
You wouldn't happen
to have barley, would you?
How about some clover?
Huh?
Petunias? I don't know.
I never tried any.
Roses are
out of the question.
They'll get stuck
in her teeth!
[Click]
Hello?
Hello.
Oh, jeez!
Fred,
I've fallen in love.
What am I
going to do?
Be yourself.
If it's supposed
to be, it'll be.
Did you read that
on a bumper sticker?
I'm going to work.
Don't go.
Call in sick.
I don't want
to be alone.
We can play
charades.
Sorry, Don.
I've got to go
to work.
Everything was fine
until she saw my teeth.
[Knocking on door]
Delivery
for a Mr. Don.
Delivery
for Mr. Don.
Who? No Don here.
It says a Mr. Don
at this address,
and this is as far
as I go, ma'am.
O.k.
Thank you.
Gracias.
[Pow]
Aah!
Whoa!
[Speaking Spanish]
Is anybody out there?
I'm going to jump!
Hmm...
[Doorbell rings]
Fred, is that you?
Thank god you're home.
[Humming]
Just a second.
Just a second.
Hold onto
your horses.
Ha ha ha. Huh?
Hello, um, Denise?
Yeah. Uh-huh.
What did the index
finish on?
[Arf arf]
Ha ha! The guy
looks like Willie Nelson.
That's hysterical!
What?
Oh, for crying
out loud.
You can't come in here.
This isn't Noah's ark.
Hmm? What?
No ducks!
That is
in the lease!
No! No! No!
Oh, jeez, o.K.
But remember this isn't
technically my apartment.
I share it
with a human.
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ kick it ♪
Come on, there's
no bones in there!
Jeez!
Hey!
♪ Time for school
and you don't want to go ♪
[Meow]
♪ You ask your mama,
please ♪
♪ but she still says no ♪
♪ you missed two classes
and no homework ♪
♪ but your teacher... ♪
I don't think Fred's
going to like this much.
♪ You've got to fight ♪
♪ for your right ♪
♪ to party ♪
Thank you! [Sobbing]
♪ Your pop caught
you smoking, man ♪
♪ he says, no way ♪
♪ that hypocrite
smokes two packs a day ♪
♪ man, livin' at home,
it's such a drag ♪
♪ yeah, your mama threw away
your best porno mag ♪
Fred!
What are you
doing here?
This is an unbelievable
coincidence.
They were looking for
another horse named Don.
Get out!
♪ You've got to fight ♪
♪ for your right ♪
♪ to party ♪
[Neigh]
♪ Party ♪♪
I can't believe you, Don!
Look at this place!
How many times do I
have to say I'm sorry?
Hello. Information?
I'd like the number
for the Los Angeles
animal pound.
Mm-hmm. Hmm.
I have never tasted
anything like this.
You're eating?
I'm calling
the pound for you!
Mmm! I can't help it.
Mmm! These oats are...
Incredible!
Must be something new.
Where did you get them?
I picked them up
on the way home!
If I had any money,
this is what
I'd invest in.
Every animal in america
is going to go crazy
over this stuff.
This is better
than Chinese food,
and you know how much
I love Chinese food.
This won't leave
you hungry, either.
I have
the wrong number!
Fred, grab a bowl and dig in
before it's all gone.
I'm telling you--indio oats!
You won't regret it.
Yeah, indio oats.
Little company
out of Bakersfield.
Uh-huh. It's going to be
bigger than...G.E.!
Fred.
You want
to go to lunch?
Can't, babe.
I got a big deal
cooking on the burner.
Uh-huh.
No. Forget g.E.!
It's a fad!
I want indio oats!
Uh-huh. Buy indio oats!
Indio oats!
Buy it! Hot! Whoo!
What is it,
Osborne?
He's selling
everything
and buying into
indio oats.
What the hell
is that?
I'm going to be
in the little
broker's room.
Hello,
Mr. Chaney's office.
Hmm.
Curious.
7 1/2.
8.
8 1/2.
Holy shit.
Maybe we should buy
some of this crap.
Can't. Fred's
cornered the market.
Maybe we can get it
someplace else.
[Ring]
[Ring]
Yeah. Hello?
Frank?
Boyd Osborne here.
Hey,
Boyd-o babe!
There's
a new company
on the exchange
called indio oats.
Oh, hey, you're
not buying it, are you?
I just got
inside information
that the f.D.A. Is going
to freeze all sales...
And launch a full
investigation.
You're kidding?
Animals are dropping
like bricks
after eating the stuff.
What a shame!
Yeah. Avoid that shit
like the plague.
Thanks, frank.
Owe you one.
Sigma chi. Sigma chi.
Hubba, hubba, hubba!
Indio oats, indeed!
Testing. Is this on?
Ladies and gentlemen
of wall street,
it is both an honor
and a privilege
to receive the award
of stockbroker of the year.
I'd like to thank
each one of you,
but I don't
have enough time,
so thank you.
I jammed his phone.
This is locked.
He'll never
get out in time.
That's occupied,
pomeroy.
Why don't you
just use this one?
This one, sir?
♪ A wop
bop a loo bop ♪
♪ a lam bam boom ♪♪
Mr. Chaney, you have
an emergency call on 21.
Mr. Chaney, you have
an emergency call on 21.
Hello.
Oats contaminated.
Took time to hit me.
What are you
talking about?
Those indio oats.
They're poison! Oh!
If I hadn't taken
6 pounds of maalox,
I'd be pushing up petunias
in poughkeepsie,
permanently.
That means
indio oats...
They're worth squat.
This horrible face
on the wall isn't helping.
This number is not working
in this area code.
Don!
Don! Hello!
Hello! Let me
out of here!
Let me out!
Let me out!
Aah!
Ah!
Aah!
Ah!
Aah!
Our father
who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
Thy--ohh!
Live by the sword,
die by the sword.
Let's give him, oh,
say, half an hour.
That should be
the end of indio oats.
Ha ha ha!
Could I show you
the murcheson figures?
Sure.
Help! Help!
Aah!
Aah!
Ohh!
Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
[Peck peck]
Get away from me, you diseased,
winged, rotten bird!
Look at
Freddy's oats.
How low can you go,
indio oats?
[Knocking on window]
Open the window!
Help! Help!
Open the god damned
window!
Hi, Mr. Chaney.
What are you
doing out there?
Open the window!
Come back in here.
You could hurt yourself.
I brought you
a tuna fish sandwich.
Sandwiches?
Aah!
Which do you want,
rye or whole wheat?
Open the god damned
window!
What?
Open the window!
Rye or whole wheat?
Rye! Rye!
Open up the window!
Really, Mr. Chaney!
Open the window!
Aah!
Freddy?
Problem?
Little
financial trouble?
Maybe we
should talk. Soon.
Come on, Fred.
You haven't
lost everything.
Hey, you still got me.
Stay on your side
of the road!
We could hit
the road together,
like the, uh...
Swengi brothers.
I need some time
alone, understand?
Ha ha ha!
Sure. Sure.
No problem.
Fred, what do
you think you'll need?
A couple minutes?
Good luck, Fred!
You'll always be
my best friend!
Maybe not my absolute
very best friend,
but certainly
in the top 10.
My 10th best friend.
15 would be the floor.
Big promotion.
New office,
expense account, perks.
I found out the geek
was sinking his money
into this
rinky-dink outfit
that was about
to go under.
Ha ha ha!
Me and Sawyer didn't
tell him about it.
We locked him
in the bathroom
while his stock
was crashing!
Yeah, well,
that's business.
You little bastard.
Allison!
Oh, Allison,
what do you care?
Well, here's to Freddy.
Good riddance.
Good...
Riddance.
You son of a bitch.
You set him up.
Set who up?
You and this
ass-kissing idiot.
What's she
talking about?
I'm talking about Fred,
about the way you
sold him down the river.
Business is a tough
world, Allison.
He's right.
You don't know
how tough yet.
I quit.
Bad day
at the office, dear?
The pits.
I'm talking
to a horse?
There's nobody
else here.
I feel terrible
about Fred.
Well, you should.
Well, I'm sorry.
Listen up, curly.
Fred's a nice guy,
and he likes you a lot.
What are we
going to do?
Help him restore
his self-confidence.
How? He didn't
have much before.
If we enter a horse
in the El Segundo stakes,
and that horse wins,
then Fred will get
a load of money,
and Sawyer will not.
You see? Fred would
get the load!
That's a great
idea, Don.
Where do we
find a thoroughbred?
Ahem. Here's
the beauty of my plan.
You are looking
at him.
Something funny?
Sorry.
If I can pull this off,
you both get rich.
I get satin doll.
You get a piece,
I get a piece.
Whoa! Happy ending!
Don, I know you've
got four legs, but--
hey, I'll worry
about the winning.
You worry about
the driving, all right?
And would you turn off
this east Indian music?
Don, you can't
win a race!
Why not?
Give me one reason.
Well, look at you.
Give me another.
Ah, forget it.
I know I can't outrun
those other horses.
That's the way
a horse race
is normally won.
No, no, no!
Freddy, listen.
Horses have hang-ups,
just like people.
Maybe I can
psych them out.
Some have envy of,
ahem, you know what.
Others have
no self-esteem,
just like someone
else we know.
Yeah, real funny.
It's very simple,
Fred.
We'll invade
their psyches,
analyze
their subconscious,
we'll use
Freud and jung,
and stick it to them
where the moon don't shine!
Do you want
a hamburger?
Do you want
a people burger?
Have you talked
to Mickey
about this?
I like it if
they know this,
if they've
got it
at least
a week ahead.
Wait a minute.
Hmm.
Didn't I
see that nag
on the front end
of a milk truck--
was it
last Thursday?
Last Friday.
Freddy, heard
a stupid rumor
you're entering
a horse in
the stakes.
It's not a rumor.
This the plug?
Yeah, this
is the horse.
You're kidding?
You're kidding?
What's
his name?
Don.
Don. Just Don.
Sounds like
a plumber.
He doesn't need
any pretentious names.
His breeding,
it's in his legs.
Correct me
if I'm wrong.
I don't think
you have
a snowball's
chance in hell
of finishing
the race
on that
piece of shit.
Lick my nose.
We're gonna win this race.
Really? Want to
make a little bet?
I got nothing
to bet.
You can
bet this turd.
I couldn't bet
my tur--horse.
Chickenshit, huh?
O.k., I'll bet
this horse.
Against what?
What do you
have to bet?
Well, let's see, um...
Can you break a 20?
I'll bet my horse
against your horse.
Hey, now,
that's ridiculous.
Chickenshit?
Who are you
calling chickenshit?
I'm calling you
chickenshit.
You're a chickenshit
chickenshit.
O.k., Freddy,
I'll make the bet.
My horse
against your horse.
All my horses
against your horse!
Sweetheart,
you can't
do that.
You think i'm
chickenshit?
That's a bet.
Including
satin doll.
Not my
satin doll!
Darling, don't be
a chickenshit.
You're on, Freddy.
Is he getting
more obnoxious?
Me and my big mouth.
What a revoltin'
development
this has
turned out to be.
Hot-cha-cha-cha.
Let me tell you
something, mister.
I been riding horses
all my life.
I'm the man to ride
this damn horse.
Why do you say that,
Mr. Um...
Mr. Snake?
One shot of this, he can
win Indianapolis 500.
Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
Eh!
Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
Marv?
Marv?
Marv!
Great, Fred.
He's perfect.
Let me do the rest
of the interviews,
all right?
[Don] What makes you
the man to ride me--
I mean, to ride Don.
Ha ha ha!
'Cause I know how
to handle these animals.
Well, what do
you mean, Mike?
Well...
You got to be...
Tough on 'em.
You got to let 'em
know who's...
Boss.
Some people think horses
are wonderful animals.
Let me tell you...
They're
the dumbest shits
god ever put on the face
of this earth!
Hey, watch what
you're saying, butthead.
What did you call me?
Nothing!
I called you
a butthead, butthead.
What are you
going to do, butthead?
Come on, wimp,
take a swing.
I dare you.
[Crash]
Aah!
You got
a really big mouth!
Are you trying
to get me killed?
Who's next, Fred?
That's it.
No one's next.
That was the last
available jockey.
What are we
going to do now?
I'll think
of something.
Oh, no. What am I
going to do?
I'll never win this thing.
God help me.
[Bzz bzz]
Quit sniveling.
Everything will be fine.
Well, that's easy for--
is that you, lord?
No, you stupid son
of a bitch. It's me.
Dad, is that you?
Of course it's me.
So much for the glamour
of reincarnation.
Dad, you're a horsefly.
Oh, I'm a horsefly!
Oh, I didn't notice!
That would explain
the little wings,
why I've been
buzzing around
piles of manure
all day,
and leaving little
fly shit droppings
wherever I go.
Thank you
for solving
that mystery,
Sherlock.
I got a real problem.
I don't stand a chance
of beating those horses.
Why not?
They're all
professional athletes.
I've always been more
of a couch potato.
You can do it.
You're a horse,
just like they are.
You all have hoofs.
You all have legs.
But their legs work!
Son, you have something
they don't have--
a big mouth.
You can win this race!
You really think so?
Absolutely.
You're
absolutely right.
I can win this race.
Who's going
to run this race?
I am!
Who's going to win it?
I am!
That's the spirit!
No offense,
but what's it like
being a horsefly?
It sucks.
We're just a short time
away from the start
of the 75th
El Segundo stakes.
Lord Kensington
is the 4-year-old
champion,
a favorite
to win today's race.
In the next stall,
the long shot,
number 8.
This is Don--
Don?
Bill,
is that right?
Just...don?
Give me a break.
Just forget
about him, o.K.?
Yeah, right.
Right.
It's normal
to be nervous.
Who's nervous?
Breathe deeply.
In through the nose...
Out through the mouth.
In through the nose...
[Coughing]
Ahem.
[Ding]
Whew!
Uhh!
He's got
to be cheating.
Jack, you better use
that whole can.
Uhh!
What's this,
some kind of joke?
Uhh!
Riders up!
When you break
through the gate,
just try and stick
to the rail.
O.k., um...
Stick to the rail.
You riding
that yourself?
That's right.
That figures.
This ought
to be good.
By this time tomorrow,
you ought
to be dog meat.
Ha ha ha!
You look good, Fred.
Thanks.
Wait a minute!
This horse and me,
we're
going out there,
and we're going
to beat the odds.
'Cause I'm going
to get you back
for everything
you ever did
to me
and my family.
Let me tell you
something
about
the little guy.
You can only
push him around
until you back him
in the corner.
Like the mighty
Wolverine
who gnaws his leg off
if caught in a trap,
I'm going to start
gnawing my leg off.
My name is no longer
Fred p...
What is my name?
My name is
Fred p.
Wolverine chaney,
because justice
is finally going
to be done.
The little guy
is finally going
to whip your ass.
Aah!
The track's
the other way.
[Horn blows]
I got it.
[Bugle blows]
Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen,
this is your
track announcer.
If he wins this race,
I'll syndicate him
for millions.
Number 1 is heavy rains,
from the long Meadow farms,
and ridden by
ernestine esposito.
Number 2 is curiously,
ridden by Dennis riday.
Let him take
an early lead
before you
make your move.
Early lead?
Make my move?
We'll be lucky
if we don't get lost.
Good luck,
you guys.
Lord Kensington,
from the Sawyer stable,
[gasp] There he is!
God, he's beautiful.
Honey, Jesus!
...ridden by Shelly boyle.
Number 8,
out of pepperidge farm,
and ridden by
Fred p. Chaney,
is...don?
Don?
Don?
Don?
Don?
Don?
The horses
are at the post.
There you go.
Whoa!
Whoa!
Whoa, boy.
Ho, boy.
Whoa!
Lord Kensington
is delaying the start.
Come on, where's
your big plan?
I'm thinking.
Get off my back.
You know
what I mean.
Number 7!
Number 7, over here!
Look into my eyes.
You look
very tired to me,
very sleepy...
At the sound
of the bell,
you'll turn
into a mushroom.
[Snoring]
You are drifting
into a deep,
deep sleep.
Sorry. Excuse me.
Sorry.
The horses
are in the gate.
Here we go.
[Snoring]
Uhh!
The flag is up...
There they go!
[Snoring]
Heavy rains
breaks on top,
followed by curiously,
never too early,
and lord Kensington,
and trailing
by four horses...Don.
Ohhh!
Hey, look!
I'm running!
Pfft!
Aah! Pfft!
How are we doing?
Are you blind?
We're losing, come on!
I got an idea.
How about we trade places
and I ride you?
Hey, Pablo's pride,
wait up!
Pablo's pride,
the immigration
people are here.
They're waiting
at the finish line.
They're checking
green cards.
Yeah. Iimmigracion!
Iimmigracion!
Greena carda!
Ha ha ha!
Greena carda!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha!
Yeahhhh!
Pablo's pride has slowed.
Now he's turning around.
Pfft! Whoa!
I'm warning you, Fred,
stop kicking me!
Hey, fellas,
wait up!
Wait up, will you?
Move over.
Oh, boy!
What a beautiful day
for a race, huh?
Whoo! I'm telling you,
you guys are doing
terrific out here.
Did you hear the news?
The acme mucilage people
are in the stands.
They're buying
all the winners.
Mucilage. You know, glue.
This is easier
than I thought.
Hey, Lindbergh,
quit flapping your wings
or we're going
to take off.
Come on, Don!
Come on!
Around
the clubhouse turn,
lord Kensington is coming up
fast on the inside.
He's making his move.
...heavy rains,
he's taken the lead.
And narrowing the gap
is...Don.
I think I just ate
some poop.
Whip his ass,
Mickey.
I think I can,
I think I can.
I thought I could,
I thought I could...
I haven't run a mile
since high school. Ohh!
I'm dying here.
Yeah, me, too.
Hey, lard ass,
get that piece of
shit outta my way!
What did you say?
You heard me.
Get that piece of shit
out of my way.
That's not very polite.
That's not even
being a good sport.
When you say
something like that,
I just want to rip your
god damned arm off
and feed it
to that stupid horse!
Now, get outta my way!
Ha ha! That's
tellin' 'em, Fred.
Curiously is veering
to the outside.
He's pulling off!
Hey, heavy rains!
Here's
a good one for you.
What do you get
when you got
12 donkeys
on your front lawn?
Fertilizer.
Ha ha ha ha!
Heavy rains
is pulling up.
But wait a minute.
Here comes Pablo's pride
in the wrong direction!
You pygmy
son of a bitch...
He's
going to do it!
Of course.
He's a champion.
Fred, i--
I can't make it.
Talk to me like that
old guy in rocky.
Do it for the American
way of life.
You can do
better than that.
O.k. Do this
for your mom and dad.
Yeah, right.
For my mom and dad.
I told you!
I don't believe it!
Turning for home
is lord Kensington,
but making up ground
rapidly is Don!
Don?
Don?
Don?
What the hell is this?
Into the home stretch,
it's lord Kensington.
But here comes Don!
Woo woo woo woo!
Do it for hot dogs!
Do it for
Mary Tyler Moore!
This sentimental stuff
just ain't working for me.
Do it for satin doll!
Yeah! Yeah, right!
Keep talking!
You win this thing,
I'll have
your teeth capped.
Cosmetically bonded?
Like a TV anchorperson?
Yeah!
The whole 9 yards!
Now, come on! Go!
Yee hah!
Ohhhh!
Yes! Yes!
Come on, baby, go.
What do you get
when you have
20 donkeys
on your lawn?
He's going to do it!
Come on!
Move it, lord!
Refugee from
a glue factory!
Get that piece
of road kill
out of my way!
Hey, Kensington,
you can't win this race.
And you know why?
Come on!
Come on, baby.
Huh?
Do you know why?
Yes!
You stupid animal!
Do you know why?
Come on, mama!
I'll tell you why.
Because, uh...
Because, uh...
Because, uh...
Do it!
Come on!
♪ Because of the wonderful
things I've done ♪
♪ da doodley doodley doo ♪♪
Yes!
Woo woo woo woo woo!
Huh? Huh?
Why, mother, I'm cured.
Knyuk knyuk.
Yes! I told you!
Ladies and gentlemen,
please hold all tickets.
We have a photo finish.
Let's get to
the winner's circle.
We don't know
if we won.
This is great!
What's this?
Those are the
horse's front teeth.
What?
Give me that.
Ladies and gentlemen,
may I have your attention?
The result of the 7th race
of the El Segundo stakes
has been declared official.
The winner, by an incisor,
is Don!
Ohh!
We won! We won!
You lost
the race!
You lost
our horses!
You lost my
satin doll!
Shut up!
Let me think!
I bet a hundred bucks
on Don.
I just won 20 grand.
Congratulations, Osborne.
You're fired.
Fred, over here!
Smile, please.
Smile.
How does
it feel to win?
Couple more, Fred.
Freddy!
Freddy, boy!
Fred, son!
You did it!
Congratulations!
You're not going
to hold me
to that silly bet
now, are you, pal?
Partner? Son?
I think I am...
Dad!
Happy trails, Walter.
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
Ohh! What awful breath!
Must be the second worst
smelling breath
I've ever had
in this office.
Oh, that's good.
I have horse saliva
all over my hands.
Keep the tongue
still a second.
What do you think
of this, Mr. Horse?
Oh, yeah! Yeah!
Hey, thanks, doc!
Now I'm perfect!
Ha ha!
O.k.
No problem at all.
If there's
any irritation,
rinse with salt water
and put on a compress.
I don't thi--
bee a ba Dee a ba Dee
that's all folks!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Captioning made possible by
Warner Bros.
Captioning performed by
the national captioning
institute, inc.
Warner Bros.
Horse.
Noun. Plural, horses.
Definition 1.
A male horse,
a stallion or gelding.
Definition 2.
Any large solid-hoofed...
Herb--herbi--herbo...
Aw! Forget it!
Some
anthropological-type guys
claim that
prehistoric horses
had larynx muscles
in their throats.
[Clearing throat]
Recent findings suggest
that this gene
actually had been passed
down for generations.
Some primitive cultures
believed that the equine
was created
in god's image--
noble, mighty, brilliant,
sublime!
It was only
after he finished
perfecting his masterpiece
known as horse
that god turned
his attention
to the lesser animal.
Look at this guy.
Ha ha ha!
O.k., honey.
Come on.
I don't know why
we have to keep hiding
like this.
Honey, your wife's
been dead for two days!
I know.
But the funeral.
The funeral
doesn't start
for a good hour.
Oh, son of a bitch.
For god's sake!
Buenos dias, señor.
I'm not here,
Carlos.
Very sorry to hear
about your wife.
Right, right.
Not now, for
Christ's sake.
[Muttering in Spanish]
First it was
your office,
then it was the motel 8.
Why can't you take me
somewhere by the ocean
with room service?
I can't wait
till we get married.
I don't know
if I remember
how to make love
in a bed anymore.
Walter.
Huh?
Walter.
That horse.
What about him?
I don't know.
It's like he
knows something.
Louise, come on.
Walter! Walter.
Walter!
What?
It's that horse!
What about him?
Can't we use blinders
or something?
All right.
Not me, the horse.
Hmm.
Next week--
dog meat.
Hi, Carlos.
Your stepfather
no here.
He's in stall 47.
Aah!
[Horse neighs]
Fred.
M-M-My mother
just died!
Think this is easy
for me?
Aah!
Aah!
Ha ha ha!
Buy 10,000 shares
of cromwell
from Mrs. Bucktad.
But we just sold
10,000 shares to her.
We did.
Oh, right,
the commission.
Right.
The commission.
Every time we buy
or sell a stock,
we make a commission.
That's how we make
our living.
Just buy the stock.
The old bitch
is made of money.
She won't
even notice.
Have you seen
the moron?
Fred? No.
Tell him
I want to see him.
Yes, sir.
Allison.
Aah!
Sorry. Oh!
It was my fault.
It doesn't matter.
Are you doing o.K.?
Yeah.
Well, if there's
anything that I can do...
Just let me know.
I'm telling you, Jack,
we never officially
changed ownership
of the damned business!
She left her half to him!
Well, wha--
yes, reverend.
Yes.
God bless you,
too, sir.
Oh, Freddy,
this man...
He makes it
a little easier.
I'm sorry, Freddy.
Sit down.
You know, Fred,
times like these,
I always felt
people should be close
to those they love.
Yeah, right.
Freddy, what do
you think of me?
Um...
I--i--i don't
want to be rude,
but, uh, I think
you're, like,
the lowest scumbag
on the face
of the earth.
But do you like me?
Oh, that's not
important.
Let me just come
right to the point.
I have a copy
of your mother's will.
You may or may not
know this.
We kept half
of the brokerage
in her name
for tax reasons.
Because her death
was so sudden,
we didn't have time
to change the darn thing.
She's left
all her assets--
that's one horse
and, uh...
Half the brokerage--
to you.
So that means
half the firm
is--is mine?
Well, legally, yes.
That's why I think
you're going to be
a very happy young man.
I'm prepared
to buy you out
at what I think
is an excellent price.
What if I don't want
to sell it?
Once again,
you'd be stupid.
You take this offer.
Trust me on this.
There you go.
That's cash--
mostly cash.
Hi, Fred.
Walter asked me to pack
your things for you.
Every dog has
his day, Sawyer.
Aah!
Aah!
O.k., so where's Don?
Straight ahead.
I could probably, like,
sell this thoroughbred
for a lot of cash,
right?
[Coughs]
Señor chaney,
this is Don.
Is he sick?
No. He always
looks like that.
He's all yours.
Buenos noches.
Thanks.
That Sawyer,
the guy ain't...
Ahh!
He's such a...
Dick? Ha ha ha!
Yeah.
Fred, we've got to talk.
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Jesus! Don't scream
like that.
Aah!
[Telephone rings]
Hello.
Listen, Sawyer!
I know what
you're trying to do,
and it's not
going to work!
Fred, come over here.
Come on. Come on.
Now, listen, Fred.
Now, Fred--aah!
[Mumbling]
...talk!
Aah!
Would you calm down?
We've got to talk.
There's an old truck
parked out back.
I left the keys
under the visor.
Let's get out of here.
Oh, fresh air!
Now, where was I?
I speak human, giraffe,
worm, toad, whale--
humpback and sperm.
You might say
I'm a four-legged
Dr. Doolittle.
So, Don, do all horses
speak English?
What, are you kidding?
Look, all horses can
understand English,
but only the chosen
can speak it.
What about, like,
Mr. Ed?
Mr. Ed!
[Spits]
That's what I think.
Every word was dubbed!
His lips
were moving.
A stagehand was shoving
a carrot up his butt!
I guess you're curious
about my childhood.
Not particularly.
Well, I was raised
on a small farm.
Oh, I was restless.
Wild, I guess
you could call it.
My old man and I
never got along.
Finally, I just split.
A few weeks later
I met Gideon Cole.
Oh, he was
a great blues singer.
He was a blind man.
You know, for a while,
I had him convinced
I was a short, hairy
Italian boy from the Bronx.
Terrible, I know,
but it's true.
Hey, Gideon,
my hoofs are killing me.
What the hell?
God, that Gideon!
He had a terrific
sense of rhythm
but a real shitty sense
of balance.
He used to stand
on the edge of the boxcar.
One day the train
made a sudden stop,
he went flying off.
I guess he's riding
that great freight train
in the sky...
Or spitting out dirt.
After that, I met up
with your real father, Dave.
We were two of a kind.
♪ Since my baby
left me ♪
♪ I've found a new place
to dwell ♪
♪ huh! ♪
♪ Down at the end
of lonely street ♪
♪ heartbreak hotel ♪
♪ I get so lonely, baby ♪
♪ I get so lonely ♪
♪ baby, I get so lonely
I could die ♪♪
Aw, we loved the king.
You know, we saw
blue Hawaii 12 times.
When he died, and your
mother married Sawyer,
I stayed in the stable.
I haven't spoken
to anybody in a long time.
I'm glad
you came along, Fred.
You're
a talking horse.
You could
make a fortune.
Sure, you just get up
in front of people
and talk. Ha!
Go public,
do the talk shows--
letterman, donahue,
Carson, Geraldo Rivera.
Oprah Winfrey!
It's not that easy,
Freddy boy.
I wish it was.
The talking world
can put
an unbelievable amount
of pressure on an animal,
especially when
you're a horse.
For example, take my
brother Lou...Please.
You'll like Lou.
You've got a lot
in common.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, oh, oh!
My proboscis!
Doctor, this operation
shall go down in history.
Fred, watch this.
Ha ha ha!
Paging Mr. Horse,
Mr. Lou horse.
Paging Mr. Horse.
I'm Lou.
Jeez, Lou!
Are you stupid!
Hello, Lou.
Woo woo woooble woo!
Certainly.
Good to see you, too.
Where's mom and pop?
Look who's back.
Pop, this is my friend.
Is it male or female?
I can't tell when
they have clothes on.
It's a guy, pop.
His name is Fred.
It's a pleasure
meeting you, sir.
[Neighs]
Hey, and this is my mom.
She doesn't talk,
but she understands.
[Neighs]
Ma, I can't
ask him that!
She wants to know
what it's like
to face somebody
during sex.
Since you're here,
come in.
♪ Meow meow meow meow ♪
♪ meow meow meow meow... ♪♪
He never writes,
he never calls,
now he brings home
a human!
You know how they are.
He probably wants
something to eat.
Fred, listen to me.
Never have kids.
They'll break
your heart.
Look what
we ended up with--
James Dean
and the fourth stooge.
You know when I think
Lou started to crack?
When?
When he saw
the godfather.
You know, that scene...
With the horse's head.
Yeah, that was
his favorite actor.
Well, um, it was
a pleasure meeting you,
but, um...
It's getting kind of late,
and I've got to head
back into town.
Good luck with Lou.
Goodbye, Don.
What?
Hey, Fred, wait up.
[Neighs]
You think
I was hard on him?
What are you
going to do
with your half
of the business?
I guess I'll sell it
to Sawyer.
Do you know anything
about the stock market?
Not much.
I used to work
at the brokerage,
but Sawyer kept me
in the mail room.
Said I didn't have
the right image.
It was depressing,
so I quit.
You know what
would burn
that bozo's butt
good?
What?
If you ran with your
half of the business.
I couldn't do that.
I've listened
to those brokers.
They don't know anything
you don't know.
It would be fun
to see the look
on Sawyer's face
if I became his partner.
Maybe that's why your
mom left it to you.
Give it a shot.
We'll talk
on the way home.
Home?
I'll move in
with you.
Uh-uh.
You can't live with me.
Why not?
'Cause you're a horse.
"'Cause I'm a horse,"
is that what you said?
I knew this would
come up eventually.
You stay here
with your family.
Take care of Lou.
You're all bigots!
With your automobiles,
your pants, and your
postal systems!
♪ La la la la ♪
I can't hear you.
♪ La la la la ♪♪
Bye, Don!
Fred, Fred!
Hello, Allison. Ow!
Decide to take
my offer?
No, I've decided
to work.
Vern...vernie,
can I get back
to you?
O.k., pal.
What do you
mean, work?
Well, like, you know,
you and me,
we're partners.
I'm into this thing
50-50 with you.
That's going to be
my office.
Right down the middle
of the conference room,
that'll be
the dividing line.
So, if you need me,
just, like, hoot.
You know, hoot!
Freddy, what are you
talking about?
You want me to raise
the buyout offer?
No.
All right, you win.
I'll double the price.
That's fair enough.
Deal?
I've got a lot
of important
business stuff to do.
Freddy, you can't be
a broker.
Why not?
Who in
their right mind
would give you
their money?
You'd be quite surprised.
I would be
friggin' amazed.
I don't have time now.
If I need you, I'll call.
See you later, partner.
Hello. This is
the chairman of the board
of Sawyer company.
I'd like to order
some pizzas.
Get him out of here,
Osborne.
I don't care
what it takes.
Get him out of here,
and I'll give you...
Something.
♪ Da da da da ♪
♪ de de de dede do ♪
♪ da Willy nap jah ♪
♪ haaa ♪♪
Hello, baby.
Ha ha ha!
The king is
back in town.
[Door slides open]
Huh?
[Woman] Ted,
where are you going?
Be right back,
sweet lips.
Got to make
a quick call.
Well, make it fast.
Bob, it's Ted.
I can't find Sawyer.
If we don't tell him
microcorp's making
a takeover bid for ventura
in the next hour,
we'll lose lots
of money.
Whoever buys ventura
is going to clean up.
Hmm!
Ted, I'm cold!
O.k. Bye.
Sorry, sweetheart.
Something important
came up.
Hmm...
Be right back, toots.
[Humming
we're in the money]
Hey, what is this!
Somebody
locked the door!
[Don]
Ha ha ha!
Hey! Somebody unlock
this door!
Your daughter--
[telephone rings]
Hang on.
Hello, um,
Fred p. Chaney here.
How can I help you?
Walter, listen carefully.
This isn't Walter.
Shut up, Walter!
We don't have much time.
Microcorp is going
to make a bid for ventura.
Ventura! Buy ventur--
Denise!
Get in here right away!
Please!
We need to buy something
called ventura.
[Humming
we're in the money]
Sorry, my pet.
Now, where were we?
What's he doing?
He just dumped
a big wad into ventura.
Ventura?
What's it going for?
Yesterday, it was
a robust 2 1/2.
Today, Osborne!
Yes, sir.
Wait a minute.
That's the company
Ted was supposed to call
about a takeover bid.
Ugh! 28, sir.
28 1/2.
29.
Buy whatever
you can get.
It's frozen.
Oh, Mr. Chaney!
Yeah! Yeah!
How did he know that?
Sorry, he's
in conference now.
Mr. Chaney's office.
Could you please hold?
[Loud rock music playing]
♪ Rock 'n' roll
loudmouth ♪
♪ chewin' my plaque ♪
♪ chokin' everyone now ♪
♪ right behind my back ♪
♪ do us all a favor,
get yourself a spine ♪
♪ everybody's chokin'
on the police line ♪
♪ uh-uh ♪
♪ chew my boot ♪
♪ spew the line ♪
♪ ah-ah ♪♪
The owners were hesitant
to rent to a single
man your age.
I assured them you were
dressed very nicely,
and your appearance
was, uh...
Shall we go in?
Holy shit.
I beg your pardon?
Uh...wow!
Living room,
dining room, kitchen.
I told them
to leave the piano.
I didn't know
how you felt,
but I think it lends
a certain je ne sais quoi.
Yeah! Um, yeah!
I think you'll get
a kick out of this.
What is it,
a little yard?
It's an atrium.
Oh, an atrium.
Yeah, I had
one of these
in the last place
I lived.
[Music plays]
Aah!
Um, umm...
That's really tasteful.
It looks like a--
a disco for ferns.
You must have
a lot of job stress.
No.
I mean, nothing
I can't handle.
Well, I'm sure you'll
be very happy here.
Enjoy your new space.
Well, thank you
for showing me
my n-new space.
♪ A-Aah ♪
♪ haaah ♪
♪ ughhh ♪
♪ wop bop a loo bop ♪
♪ ba lop bop bom ♪
♪ tutti frutti,
oh, rudi ♪
♪ tutti frutti,
oh, whooo ♪
♪ tutti frutti,
oh, rudi ♪
♪ tutti frutti,
oh, rudi ♪
♪ tutti frutti,
oh, rudi ♪
♪ wop bop a loo bop ♪
♪ ba lop bop bom ♪
♪ I got a gal named sue ♪
♪ she knows
just what to do, woo ♪
♪ got a gal named sue ♪
♪ she knows
just what to do ♪
♪ she knows how to love me,
yes, indeed ♪
Hello. Information?
No, I just wanted
to call you.
Guess where
I'm calling from.
Yes, my car!
Listen.
That was traffic.
♪ Oh, rudi ♪
♪ tutti frutti,
oh, rudi ♪
♪ a wop bop a loo bop ♪
♪ ba lop bop bom ♪
♪ I got a gal
named Daisy ♪
♪ she almost
drives me crazy ♪
♪ got a gal named Daisy,
she almost ♪
These babies sure have
excellent speakers, huh?
♪ Yes, indeed ♪
♪ boy, you don't know
what she do to me ♪
♪ tutti frutti,
oh, rudi ♪
♪ tutti frutti, whooo ♪
♪ tutti frutti,
oh, rudi ♪
♪ tutti frutti,
oh, rudi ♪
♪ tutti frutti,
oh, rudi ♪
♪ a wop bop a loo bop ♪
♪ ba lop bam boom ♪♪
Hey, boy wonder.
Got any hot tips
for a coworker?
Um, no, not today.
Although
I was looking
at the numbers
on microdynamics,
and they look
quite promising.
Well, um...
They just declared
bankruptcy this morning.
Oh, yeah, that's
what I thought.
I was wondering,
like,
if you weren't
doing anything
on Friday night,
if you'd go
to a movie with me?
Say what?
That's my bowling
league night.
Hmm.
What's this?
"New partner
makes big waves."
Hmm.
Well, well,
Mr. Photogenic.
Fred, it's time
I paid you a visit.
Ow.
[Groaning]
Don!
Ohh.
Are you
the grim reaper?
No, it's Fred!
Oh, Fred,
I'm coughing.
Listen.
[Cough cough]
I need a priest.
I'm getting a vet!
No! No vets!
Fred,
before I pass on,
I want to tell you
how happy I am
that you've made it
and you're rich
and that you live
in a big, beautiful,
roomy, palatial--
you better come upstairs
and eat something.
Gee, Fred, I wouldn't
want to impose on you.
No! I insist.
Come on.
Boy, I really
appreciate this, Fred.
I don't want
to inconvenience you.
[Cough]
I don't want
to be a burden.
Can I have cable?
Whoa!
Padded elevator!
Fred, you've
really made it.
Makes me happy to know
that I've helped.
What do you mean
you helped?
You remember, Fred.
That anonymous tip
about the ventura
takeover.
That was you?
Walter, buy ventura!
Buy ventura!
I owe all this
to a horse?
Well, Fred,
I wouldn't want you
to feel obligated
or anything,
but, uh...You know.
Come on.
Wow! This place reminds
me of the Vatican.
Shh! Animals aren't
allowed in here.
O.k., Fred.
My lips are sealed.
Mr. Chaney?
Hey! Watch
the tail!
Ahh!
Was that a horse?
No!
My friends and myself,
um, we're on our way
to a costume party.
Rather authentic
costume.
Well, they're real
sticklers for details.
Right, fellas?
Yes, Fred.
Yo, Fred.
Sí, Fred.
Man,
that was close!
I'll go get you
a beverage.
Yeah.
Something diet, please.
Hey, Fred!
Nice digs you got here.
Very tasteful.
This will do just fine.
Only one thing
is wrong.
What, outside of a horse
being in here?
It just doesn't
look lived in.
It feels like
there should be
plastic covers
on the chairs
or ropes around
the furniture
or something.
I like it
just the way it is.
O.k., Fred.
You're the boss.
Yeah.
I am the boss!
There's going
to be a few rules.
Stay away from the
windows and the doors!
If that jerk sees you,
boom!
We're out of here!
These rugs, you know,
they're brand-new.
No problem!
No problem at all!
I just hope you read
a lot of newspapers.
Yeah, I
almost got married.
I was living with this
hot-blooded arabian.
You lived
with somebody?
No way!
Oh, I loved it,
and I hated it.
What did you
love about it?
Everything.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
What did you hate?
Everything else.
So I wake up,
I'm butt-naked!
Everybody's
looking at me.
That was the last time
I ever drank Tequila!
I hear you!
No explosives! We can't risk
closing off the nest.
Can we use gas?
No. It might poison
the whole city!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Classic! Classic!
[Playing
the star-spangled banner]
[Snoring]
Fred,
are you asleep?
Uh-huh!
Thanks for
everything, Fred.
You're my kind
of people.
I like you,
too, Don.
Good night, Fred.
♪ Hmm hmm hmm
hmm hmm hmm ♪
Interests rates aren't
going to go up any higher,
so I'm staying out
of the bond market.
What do you think?
You really want
to know what I think?
I think you better
get a bigger scooper.
Hey, wait a second.
Here's a good spot.
[Speaking Spanish]
Mr. Chaney, please!
It's just a horse!
Yes, I know
it's a horse!
But why?
Um, it's only
for a couple days!
He's like
a family member.
Which side?
Please, Mr. Chaney!
[Speaking Spanish]
♪ Da da da ♪♪
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Thank you
very much.
Oh, that's
very good.
Oh, sorry.
Very good.
Very good.
[Telephone rings]
Huh! I don't want
to go to school.
[Ring]
[Ring]
Hello. Fred p. Chaney.
Can I help you?
Sorry to bother you,
but business week
called.
They wanted
to talk to you.
They wanted
to talk to me?
Yeah. They were offering
16 weeks for 12.98.
That's 25 cents off
the newsstand price,
so I grabbed it.
You called
to tell me that?
No. I called because
we're invited
to a party on
the seventh floor.
When are you
coming home?
I'm bored.
When I'm done with work.
Bye, Don.
3rd floor...
4th floor...
5th floor...
6th floor...
7th floor...
Single man!
Aah!
Just the man
I was looking for.
For what?
For what?
Oh, you're so funny!
Ha ha ha!
I'm so glad
you're here.
I've seen you
in the building.
Have some dip.
Do you like
anchovies?
Mm!
Aah!
I love the eighties!
A woman can walk
a man home, too.
Won't you
invite me in?
No!
Will you hate me
in the morning?
No. I hate you
right now!
May I come in?
Good night.
Thank you.
This is nice.
Look what you've done
with this place.
Ooh!
What a neat statue!
This is beautiful!
And so lifelike!
Yeah. It's like that
even after I go swimming.
What?
What did you say?
I said, it's like that
even after I go
swimming,
toots!
Aah!
Aah!
Was it something
I said?
Aah!
[Burp]
You pig!
Say what?
Sorry.
Hmm.
Thank you.
You saved me tonight.
She wasn't so bad.
Yes, she was bad!
She reminds me of
Catherine the great.
Fred, I got
a hot tip for you.
Uh, coffee.
Coffee?
Mm-hmm! Mm-hmm!
Mm-hmm!
Trust me.
What's he
buying now?
Coffee.
Coffee hasn't done
shit in 3 years.
How could he know
about coffee?
The white zone is
for Fred p. Chaney only.
Where does he get
his information?
He couldn't possibly
find out himself.
Maybe you're
underestimating him.
You're a clever girl,
Allison.
Why don't you find out?
Heh heh heh heh...
Allison wants
to go out with you?
Yeah. Can you
blame her?
Who's picking up
the check?
Would you please
get over there?
She'll be up
here any minute.
Look at my teeth.
I hate my teeth.
They're kind of bucked.
Your teeth
look fine,
but you should
use a waterpic.
Hey, Fred, look.
Oo ho ho ho ho!
Yeah!
I'm Elvis.
Elvis?
Get over there,
will you?
I don't understand
why you asked her
up here.
I want her
to see the place.
Yeah, you got this place
for her benefit.
What do you mean?
You're living here to
impress people like her.
I like living here!
It's sickening the way
you're laying it on for her.
People should like you
just the way you are.
Thank you, Elvis.
And another thing...
What's the deal
with the ponytail?
It's like you're doing
an impression of me.
How about picking up
your dirty underwear?
And the toilet seat!
Why can't you remember
to put it down?
You know,
two of us live here!
Hi, Fred.
Hi!
Mind if I come in?
Yeah! I--i mean no.
Please, come in.
[Don] Yeah, I mean no.
Oh, please come in.
[Thunder]
That's an--
that's an atrium.
Pretty, huh?
Kind of one of the selling
points of the place.
It's--it's great!
So, you like it?
Uh-oh.
Yeah. It's great.
It's just--
you don't think
it's too much?
Uh, I would love
to see the kitchen.
Uh, you know, jeez!
Look what time it is!
We should head
to the restaurant.
Ah-choo!
[Blows nose]
Uh-oh.
Woof! Woof!
You have a dog?
Y-Yeah, yeah, um...
I got to go
powder my nose!
I'll be right back,
o.K.? Please?
I'll be out
in a moment!
What are you doing?
Fred?
She's not buying
the dog bit?
Woof! Woof!
Whoops!
Fred?
I'll be out
in a minute!
There's a horse
in here!
Uh, where?
You know,
if it's not cockroaches,
it's palominos.
Fred, you're living
with a horse.
Like, who doesn't?
Woof! Woof! Woof!
Woof! Ha ha ha ha!
I'm sure
he's a great pet,
but why don't you
keep him in a stable?
Uh, I like
having him around.
He's kind of like
my good luck charm.
Fred,
everybody at work
is trying to figure out
where you're getting
these big stock tips from.
Don.
Don.
The horse?
Yeah. He's, um...
He's a genius.
My lingwenis
is very, very good!
It's Linguini.
Asalinguini?
Ling-ui-ni.
Tastes a lot
like spaghetti.
Penthouse.
The horse talks
just like us.
I believe you.
I used to have
an invisible friend.
No, I'm serious.
You'll see.
Talk, god damn it.
Please, Don,
say something.
Honestly, he
really does talk.
Normally,
I can't shut him up.
Hi, Allison.
It's a pleasure
to meet you.
Fred is always
talking about you.
Thanks for
dinner, Fred.
I had
a good time.
Penthouse.
It was strange,
but I had
a good time.
Could we do it again
sometime?
Ha ha ha!
Woof! Woof!
Did you hear that?
Aah!
Gee, whoa!
Aah!
How was your date,
Romeo? Get any?
It was just fine!
Do you mind? This is
my favorite movie.
I don't recall
you being in it.
I can't believe
I told her you talked.
She probably
thinks I'm insane.
I don't like her.
She's phony.
She's got
a terrible nose job.
That's her
original nose.
How would you know?
You should see
yourself with her.
You're pathetic.
Do you know
what you are?
You're jealous.
What? Ha!
Don't make me laugh!
You're jealous!
Kiss my butt.
I've never been
jealous in my life.
Fred,
let's not fight.
Let's drive
to the country.
This town's
driving us crazy.
Night, Don!
I wonder what mom's
cooking for dinner.
[Moaning]
That's pop.
Something's wrong!
I'll be right back.
Don, it's about time
you got here.
I'm dying, son.
Don't talk
like that, pop.
A horse knows
when his time is near.
[Cough cough]
There are signs.
Your tongue darkens,
your eyes water,
your mind goes.
Your tongue darkens.
Your balls shrink...
Easy, pop. Easy.
[Whinny]
Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey.
I had an uncle
named Lou.
Soitainly.
Son, before I die...
You've got
to promise me
that you'll pass on
your special gift...
Of speech...
To an heir.
Why me, pop?
What about Lou?
Yesterday your mother
caught Lou
trying to mount
a Volvo station wagon.
You're our only hope.
[Whinny]
You don't understand.
I'm a loner, a rebel.
You're a bum!
[Cough]
Don, you're the last
of the chosen.
We need an heir.
Son, quit screwing around.
It's time you met
the right girl,
settle down,
become a father.
Oh, promise me, boy.
O.k., pop, o.K.
I promise.
I promise.
[Kicking the bucket]
Well, there
he is, boys--
top money-winning
4-year-old
on the west coast.
Next month he's in the
El Segundo stakes.
He'll beat any plug
they put up.
Is this place ripe,
or what?
There's your partner's
newest thoroughbred.
Yeah.
Wait here.
I got to go pay
for your feed.
Must have cost a lot.
He did indeed, but
he'll make it back--
first with his legs
of course,
and then with his--
Walter!
Walter!
She's wonderful.
I love her.
Are you happy,
honey?
Yes.
Then I'm happy.
That's
my satin doll.
She's escorting
the lord
at the stakes.
Satin doll's
a dressage horse
I bought for Victoria.
Hmm.
Hmm!
Va-va-va-voom!
Whoa!
Be still,
my beating heart.
Je t'aime.
What a perfect form!
Ooh! What legs!
What a tail!
Ooh! What a saddle!
Check out the mane
on that tomato!
Whoo!
[Wolf whistle]
Ya! Na-na-na-na-nan!
Baby!
Take it nice and easy.
Just be cool.
Whatever you do,
don't show her your teeth.
I hope
you don't think
I'm coming on
too strong for you,
but what can I say?
That's the kind
of guy I am. Ha ha!
Walter, what's that horse
doing with my satin doll?
Freddy, get him away from
my horse, for god's sake!
Sorry. Come on,
let's get out of here.
Maybe I'll see you
later, huh?
She was staring
right at my teeth!
Is this the samurai
florist shop?
[Speaking Japanese]
I'd like
to order flowers
for a miss satin doll
at the claremont Ridge
riding club.
A lovely arrangement.
You wouldn't happen
to have barley, would you?
How about some clover?
Huh?
Petunias? I don't know.
I never tried any.
Roses are
out of the question.
They'll get stuck
in her teeth!
[Click]
Hello?
Hello.
Oh, jeez!
Fred,
I've fallen in love.
What am I
going to do?
Be yourself.
If it's supposed
to be, it'll be.
Did you read that
on a bumper sticker?
I'm going to work.
Don't go.
Call in sick.
I don't want
to be alone.
We can play
charades.
Sorry, Don.
I've got to go
to work.
Everything was fine
until she saw my teeth.
[Knocking on door]
Delivery
for a Mr. Don.
Delivery
for Mr. Don.
Who? No Don here.
It says a Mr. Don
at this address,
and this is as far
as I go, ma'am.
O.k.
Thank you.
Gracias.
[Pow]
Aah!
Whoa!
[Speaking Spanish]
Is anybody out there?
I'm going to jump!
Hmm...
[Doorbell rings]
Fred, is that you?
Thank god you're home.
[Humming]
Just a second.
Just a second.
Hold onto
your horses.
Ha ha ha. Huh?
Hello, um, Denise?
Yeah. Uh-huh.
What did the index
finish on?
[Arf arf]
Ha ha! The guy
looks like Willie Nelson.
That's hysterical!
What?
Oh, for crying
out loud.
You can't come in here.
This isn't Noah's ark.
Hmm? What?
No ducks!
That is
in the lease!
No! No! No!
Oh, jeez, o.K.
But remember this isn't
technically my apartment.
I share it
with a human.
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ kick it ♪
Come on, there's
no bones in there!
Jeez!
Hey!
♪ Time for school
and you don't want to go ♪
[Meow]
♪ You ask your mama,
please ♪
♪ but she still says no ♪
♪ you missed two classes
and no homework ♪
♪ but your teacher... ♪
I don't think Fred's
going to like this much.
♪ You've got to fight ♪
♪ for your right ♪
♪ to party ♪
Thank you! [Sobbing]
♪ Your pop caught
you smoking, man ♪
♪ he says, no way ♪
♪ that hypocrite
smokes two packs a day ♪
♪ man, livin' at home,
it's such a drag ♪
♪ yeah, your mama threw away
your best porno mag ♪
Fred!
What are you
doing here?
This is an unbelievable
coincidence.
They were looking for
another horse named Don.
Get out!
♪ You've got to fight ♪
♪ for your right ♪
♪ to party ♪
[Neigh]
♪ Party ♪♪
I can't believe you, Don!
Look at this place!
How many times do I
have to say I'm sorry?
Hello. Information?
I'd like the number
for the Los Angeles
animal pound.
Mm-hmm. Hmm.
I have never tasted
anything like this.
You're eating?
I'm calling
the pound for you!
Mmm! I can't help it.
Mmm! These oats are...
Incredible!
Must be something new.
Where did you get them?
I picked them up
on the way home!
If I had any money,
this is what
I'd invest in.
Every animal in america
is going to go crazy
over this stuff.
This is better
than Chinese food,
and you know how much
I love Chinese food.
This won't leave
you hungry, either.
I have
the wrong number!
Fred, grab a bowl and dig in
before it's all gone.
I'm telling you--indio oats!
You won't regret it.
Yeah, indio oats.
Little company
out of Bakersfield.
Uh-huh. It's going to be
bigger than...G.E.!
Fred.
You want
to go to lunch?
Can't, babe.
I got a big deal
cooking on the burner.
Uh-huh.
No. Forget g.E.!
It's a fad!
I want indio oats!
Uh-huh. Buy indio oats!
Indio oats!
Buy it! Hot! Whoo!
What is it,
Osborne?
He's selling
everything
and buying into
indio oats.
What the hell
is that?
I'm going to be
in the little
broker's room.
Hello,
Mr. Chaney's office.
Hmm.
Curious.
7 1/2.
8.
8 1/2.
Holy shit.
Maybe we should buy
some of this crap.
Can't. Fred's
cornered the market.
Maybe we can get it
someplace else.
[Ring]
[Ring]
Yeah. Hello?
Frank?
Boyd Osborne here.
Hey,
Boyd-o babe!
There's
a new company
on the exchange
called indio oats.
Oh, hey, you're
not buying it, are you?
I just got
inside information
that the f.D.A. Is going
to freeze all sales...
And launch a full
investigation.
You're kidding?
Animals are dropping
like bricks
after eating the stuff.
What a shame!
Yeah. Avoid that shit
like the plague.
Thanks, frank.
Owe you one.
Sigma chi. Sigma chi.
Hubba, hubba, hubba!
Indio oats, indeed!
Testing. Is this on?
Ladies and gentlemen
of wall street,
it is both an honor
and a privilege
to receive the award
of stockbroker of the year.
I'd like to thank
each one of you,
but I don't
have enough time,
so thank you.
I jammed his phone.
This is locked.
He'll never
get out in time.
That's occupied,
pomeroy.
Why don't you
just use this one?
This one, sir?
♪ A wop
bop a loo bop ♪
♪ a lam bam boom ♪♪
Mr. Chaney, you have
an emergency call on 21.
Mr. Chaney, you have
an emergency call on 21.
Hello.
Oats contaminated.
Took time to hit me.
What are you
talking about?
Those indio oats.
They're poison! Oh!
If I hadn't taken
6 pounds of maalox,
I'd be pushing up petunias
in poughkeepsie,
permanently.
That means
indio oats...
They're worth squat.
This horrible face
on the wall isn't helping.
This number is not working
in this area code.
Don!
Don! Hello!
Hello! Let me
out of here!
Let me out!
Let me out!
Aah!
Ah!
Aah!
Ah!
Aah!
Our father
who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
Thy--ohh!
Live by the sword,
die by the sword.
Let's give him, oh,
say, half an hour.
That should be
the end of indio oats.
Ha ha ha!
Could I show you
the murcheson figures?
Sure.
Help! Help!
Aah!
Aah!
Ohh!
Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
[Peck peck]
Get away from me, you diseased,
winged, rotten bird!
Look at
Freddy's oats.
How low can you go,
indio oats?
[Knocking on window]
Open the window!
Help! Help!
Open the god damned
window!
Hi, Mr. Chaney.
What are you
doing out there?
Open the window!
Come back in here.
You could hurt yourself.
I brought you
a tuna fish sandwich.
Sandwiches?
Aah!
Which do you want,
rye or whole wheat?
Open the god damned
window!
What?
Open the window!
Rye or whole wheat?
Rye! Rye!
Open up the window!
Really, Mr. Chaney!
Open the window!
Aah!
Freddy?
Problem?
Little
financial trouble?
Maybe we
should talk. Soon.
Come on, Fred.
You haven't
lost everything.
Hey, you still got me.
Stay on your side
of the road!
We could hit
the road together,
like the, uh...
Swengi brothers.
I need some time
alone, understand?
Ha ha ha!
Sure. Sure.
No problem.
Fred, what do
you think you'll need?
A couple minutes?
Good luck, Fred!
You'll always be
my best friend!
Maybe not my absolute
very best friend,
but certainly
in the top 10.
My 10th best friend.
15 would be the floor.
Big promotion.
New office,
expense account, perks.
I found out the geek
was sinking his money
into this
rinky-dink outfit
that was about
to go under.
Ha ha ha!
Me and Sawyer didn't
tell him about it.
We locked him
in the bathroom
while his stock
was crashing!
Yeah, well,
that's business.
You little bastard.
Allison!
Oh, Allison,
what do you care?
Well, here's to Freddy.
Good riddance.
Good...
Riddance.
You son of a bitch.
You set him up.
Set who up?
You and this
ass-kissing idiot.
What's she
talking about?
I'm talking about Fred,
about the way you
sold him down the river.
Business is a tough
world, Allison.
He's right.
You don't know
how tough yet.
I quit.
Bad day
at the office, dear?
The pits.
I'm talking
to a horse?
There's nobody
else here.
I feel terrible
about Fred.
Well, you should.
Well, I'm sorry.
Listen up, curly.
Fred's a nice guy,
and he likes you a lot.
What are we
going to do?
Help him restore
his self-confidence.
How? He didn't
have much before.
If we enter a horse
in the El Segundo stakes,
and that horse wins,
then Fred will get
a load of money,
and Sawyer will not.
You see? Fred would
get the load!
That's a great
idea, Don.
Where do we
find a thoroughbred?
Ahem. Here's
the beauty of my plan.
You are looking
at him.
Something funny?
Sorry.
If I can pull this off,
you both get rich.
I get satin doll.
You get a piece,
I get a piece.
Whoa! Happy ending!
Don, I know you've
got four legs, but--
hey, I'll worry
about the winning.
You worry about
the driving, all right?
And would you turn off
this east Indian music?
Don, you can't
win a race!
Why not?
Give me one reason.
Well, look at you.
Give me another.
Ah, forget it.
I know I can't outrun
those other horses.
That's the way
a horse race
is normally won.
No, no, no!
Freddy, listen.
Horses have hang-ups,
just like people.
Maybe I can
psych them out.
Some have envy of,
ahem, you know what.
Others have
no self-esteem,
just like someone
else we know.
Yeah, real funny.
It's very simple,
Fred.
We'll invade
their psyches,
analyze
their subconscious,
we'll use
Freud and jung,
and stick it to them
where the moon don't shine!
Do you want
a hamburger?
Do you want
a people burger?
Have you talked
to Mickey
about this?
I like it if
they know this,
if they've
got it
at least
a week ahead.
Wait a minute.
Hmm.
Didn't I
see that nag
on the front end
of a milk truck--
was it
last Thursday?
Last Friday.
Freddy, heard
a stupid rumor
you're entering
a horse in
the stakes.
It's not a rumor.
This the plug?
Yeah, this
is the horse.
You're kidding?
You're kidding?
What's
his name?
Don.
Don. Just Don.
Sounds like
a plumber.
He doesn't need
any pretentious names.
His breeding,
it's in his legs.
Correct me
if I'm wrong.
I don't think
you have
a snowball's
chance in hell
of finishing
the race
on that
piece of shit.
Lick my nose.
We're gonna win this race.
Really? Want to
make a little bet?
I got nothing
to bet.
You can
bet this turd.
I couldn't bet
my tur--horse.
Chickenshit, huh?
O.k., I'll bet
this horse.
Against what?
What do you
have to bet?
Well, let's see, um...
Can you break a 20?
I'll bet my horse
against your horse.
Hey, now,
that's ridiculous.
Chickenshit?
Who are you
calling chickenshit?
I'm calling you
chickenshit.
You're a chickenshit
chickenshit.
O.k., Freddy,
I'll make the bet.
My horse
against your horse.
All my horses
against your horse!
Sweetheart,
you can't
do that.
You think i'm
chickenshit?
That's a bet.
Including
satin doll.
Not my
satin doll!
Darling, don't be
a chickenshit.
You're on, Freddy.
Is he getting
more obnoxious?
Me and my big mouth.
What a revoltin'
development
this has
turned out to be.
Hot-cha-cha-cha.
Let me tell you
something, mister.
I been riding horses
all my life.
I'm the man to ride
this damn horse.
Why do you say that,
Mr. Um...
Mr. Snake?
One shot of this, he can
win Indianapolis 500.
Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
Eh!
Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
Marv?
Marv?
Marv!
Great, Fred.
He's perfect.
Let me do the rest
of the interviews,
all right?
[Don] What makes you
the man to ride me--
I mean, to ride Don.
Ha ha ha!
'Cause I know how
to handle these animals.
Well, what do
you mean, Mike?
Well...
You got to be...
Tough on 'em.
You got to let 'em
know who's...
Boss.
Some people think horses
are wonderful animals.
Let me tell you...
They're
the dumbest shits
god ever put on the face
of this earth!
Hey, watch what
you're saying, butthead.
What did you call me?
Nothing!
I called you
a butthead, butthead.
What are you
going to do, butthead?
Come on, wimp,
take a swing.
I dare you.
[Crash]
Aah!
You got
a really big mouth!
Are you trying
to get me killed?
Who's next, Fred?
That's it.
No one's next.
That was the last
available jockey.
What are we
going to do now?
I'll think
of something.
Oh, no. What am I
going to do?
I'll never win this thing.
God help me.
[Bzz bzz]
Quit sniveling.
Everything will be fine.
Well, that's easy for--
is that you, lord?
No, you stupid son
of a bitch. It's me.
Dad, is that you?
Of course it's me.
So much for the glamour
of reincarnation.
Dad, you're a horsefly.
Oh, I'm a horsefly!
Oh, I didn't notice!
That would explain
the little wings,
why I've been
buzzing around
piles of manure
all day,
and leaving little
fly shit droppings
wherever I go.
Thank you
for solving
that mystery,
Sherlock.
I got a real problem.
I don't stand a chance
of beating those horses.
Why not?
They're all
professional athletes.
I've always been more
of a couch potato.
You can do it.
You're a horse,
just like they are.
You all have hoofs.
You all have legs.
But their legs work!
Son, you have something
they don't have--
a big mouth.
You can win this race!
You really think so?
Absolutely.
You're
absolutely right.
I can win this race.
Who's going
to run this race?
I am!
Who's going to win it?
I am!
That's the spirit!
No offense,
but what's it like
being a horsefly?
It sucks.
We're just a short time
away from the start
of the 75th
El Segundo stakes.
Lord Kensington
is the 4-year-old
champion,
a favorite
to win today's race.
In the next stall,
the long shot,
number 8.
This is Don--
Don?
Bill,
is that right?
Just...don?
Give me a break.
Just forget
about him, o.K.?
Yeah, right.
Right.
It's normal
to be nervous.
Who's nervous?
Breathe deeply.
In through the nose...
Out through the mouth.
In through the nose...
[Coughing]
Ahem.
[Ding]
Whew!
Uhh!
He's got
to be cheating.
Jack, you better use
that whole can.
Uhh!
What's this,
some kind of joke?
Uhh!
Riders up!
When you break
through the gate,
just try and stick
to the rail.
O.k., um...
Stick to the rail.
You riding
that yourself?
That's right.
That figures.
This ought
to be good.
By this time tomorrow,
you ought
to be dog meat.
Ha ha ha!
You look good, Fred.
Thanks.
Wait a minute!
This horse and me,
we're
going out there,
and we're going
to beat the odds.
'Cause I'm going
to get you back
for everything
you ever did
to me
and my family.
Let me tell you
something
about
the little guy.
You can only
push him around
until you back him
in the corner.
Like the mighty
Wolverine
who gnaws his leg off
if caught in a trap,
I'm going to start
gnawing my leg off.
My name is no longer
Fred p...
What is my name?
My name is
Fred p.
Wolverine chaney,
because justice
is finally going
to be done.
The little guy
is finally going
to whip your ass.
Aah!
The track's
the other way.
[Horn blows]
I got it.
[Bugle blows]
Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen,
this is your
track announcer.
If he wins this race,
I'll syndicate him
for millions.
Number 1 is heavy rains,
from the long Meadow farms,
and ridden by
ernestine esposito.
Number 2 is curiously,
ridden by Dennis riday.
Let him take
an early lead
before you
make your move.
Early lead?
Make my move?
We'll be lucky
if we don't get lost.
Good luck,
you guys.
Lord Kensington,
from the Sawyer stable,
[gasp] There he is!
God, he's beautiful.
Honey, Jesus!
...ridden by Shelly boyle.
Number 8,
out of pepperidge farm,
and ridden by
Fred p. Chaney,
is...don?
Don?
Don?
Don?
Don?
Don?
The horses
are at the post.
There you go.
Whoa!
Whoa!
Whoa, boy.
Ho, boy.
Whoa!
Lord Kensington
is delaying the start.
Come on, where's
your big plan?
I'm thinking.
Get off my back.
You know
what I mean.
Number 7!
Number 7, over here!
Look into my eyes.
You look
very tired to me,
very sleepy...
At the sound
of the bell,
you'll turn
into a mushroom.
[Snoring]
You are drifting
into a deep,
deep sleep.
Sorry. Excuse me.
Sorry.
The horses
are in the gate.
Here we go.
[Snoring]
Uhh!
The flag is up...
There they go!
[Snoring]
Heavy rains
breaks on top,
followed by curiously,
never too early,
and lord Kensington,
and trailing
by four horses...Don.
Ohhh!
Hey, look!
I'm running!
Pfft!
Aah! Pfft!
How are we doing?
Are you blind?
We're losing, come on!
I got an idea.
How about we trade places
and I ride you?
Hey, Pablo's pride,
wait up!
Pablo's pride,
the immigration
people are here.
They're waiting
at the finish line.
They're checking
green cards.
Yeah. Iimmigracion!
Iimmigracion!
Greena carda!
Ha ha ha!
Greena carda!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha!
Yeahhhh!
Pablo's pride has slowed.
Now he's turning around.
Pfft! Whoa!
I'm warning you, Fred,
stop kicking me!
Hey, fellas,
wait up!
Wait up, will you?
Move over.
Oh, boy!
What a beautiful day
for a race, huh?
Whoo! I'm telling you,
you guys are doing
terrific out here.
Did you hear the news?
The acme mucilage people
are in the stands.
They're buying
all the winners.
Mucilage. You know, glue.
This is easier
than I thought.
Hey, Lindbergh,
quit flapping your wings
or we're going
to take off.
Come on, Don!
Come on!
Around
the clubhouse turn,
lord Kensington is coming up
fast on the inside.
He's making his move.
...heavy rains,
he's taken the lead.
And narrowing the gap
is...Don.
I think I just ate
some poop.
Whip his ass,
Mickey.
I think I can,
I think I can.
I thought I could,
I thought I could...
I haven't run a mile
since high school. Ohh!
I'm dying here.
Yeah, me, too.
Hey, lard ass,
get that piece of
shit outta my way!
What did you say?
You heard me.
Get that piece of shit
out of my way.
That's not very polite.
That's not even
being a good sport.
When you say
something like that,
I just want to rip your
god damned arm off
and feed it
to that stupid horse!
Now, get outta my way!
Ha ha! That's
tellin' 'em, Fred.
Curiously is veering
to the outside.
He's pulling off!
Hey, heavy rains!
Here's
a good one for you.
What do you get
when you got
12 donkeys
on your front lawn?
Fertilizer.
Ha ha ha ha!
Heavy rains
is pulling up.
But wait a minute.
Here comes Pablo's pride
in the wrong direction!
You pygmy
son of a bitch...
He's
going to do it!
Of course.
He's a champion.
Fred, i--
I can't make it.
Talk to me like that
old guy in rocky.
Do it for the American
way of life.
You can do
better than that.
O.k. Do this
for your mom and dad.
Yeah, right.
For my mom and dad.
I told you!
I don't believe it!
Turning for home
is lord Kensington,
but making up ground
rapidly is Don!
Don?
Don?
Don?
What the hell is this?
Into the home stretch,
it's lord Kensington.
But here comes Don!
Woo woo woo woo!
Do it for hot dogs!
Do it for
Mary Tyler Moore!
This sentimental stuff
just ain't working for me.
Do it for satin doll!
Yeah! Yeah, right!
Keep talking!
You win this thing,
I'll have
your teeth capped.
Cosmetically bonded?
Like a TV anchorperson?
Yeah!
The whole 9 yards!
Now, come on! Go!
Yee hah!
Ohhhh!
Yes! Yes!
Come on, baby, go.
What do you get
when you have
20 donkeys
on your lawn?
He's going to do it!
Come on!
Move it, lord!
Refugee from
a glue factory!
Get that piece
of road kill
out of my way!
Hey, Kensington,
you can't win this race.
And you know why?
Come on!
Come on, baby.
Huh?
Do you know why?
Yes!
You stupid animal!
Do you know why?
Come on, mama!
I'll tell you why.
Because, uh...
Because, uh...
Because, uh...
Do it!
Come on!
♪ Because of the wonderful
things I've done ♪
♪ da doodley doodley doo ♪♪
Yes!
Woo woo woo woo woo!
Huh? Huh?
Why, mother, I'm cured.
Knyuk knyuk.
Yes! I told you!
Ladies and gentlemen,
please hold all tickets.
We have a photo finish.
Let's get to
the winner's circle.
We don't know
if we won.
This is great!
What's this?
Those are the
horse's front teeth.
What?
Give me that.
Ladies and gentlemen,
may I have your attention?
The result of the 7th race
of the El Segundo stakes
has been declared official.
The winner, by an incisor,
is Don!
Ohh!
We won! We won!
You lost
the race!
You lost
our horses!
You lost my
satin doll!
Shut up!
Let me think!
I bet a hundred bucks
on Don.
I just won 20 grand.
Congratulations, Osborne.
You're fired.
Fred, over here!
Smile, please.
Smile.
How does
it feel to win?
Couple more, Fred.
Freddy!
Freddy, boy!
Fred, son!
You did it!
Congratulations!
You're not going
to hold me
to that silly bet
now, are you, pal?
Partner? Son?
I think I am...
Dad!
Happy trails, Walter.
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha!
Ohh! What awful breath!
Must be the second worst
smelling breath
I've ever had
in this office.
Oh, that's good.
I have horse saliva
all over my hands.
Keep the tongue
still a second.
What do you think
of this, Mr. Horse?
Oh, yeah! Yeah!
Hey, thanks, doc!
Now I'm perfect!
Ha ha!
O.k.
No problem at all.
If there's
any irritation,
rinse with salt water
and put on a compress.
I don't thi--
bee a ba Dee a ba Dee
that's all folks!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Captioning made possible by
Warner Bros.
Captioning performed by
the national captioning
institute, inc.