Hot Wax Zombies on Wheels (1999) - full transcript
A sleepy fishing village is terrorized by a band of hairless zombies on motorcycles.
(dramatic orchestral music)
(radio tuning)
- [Radio Announcer] At number
one on the request line
for the 417th month, from
Pepe to his fishing crew
on the Pregnant Pelican.
("La Bamba")
(singing in foreign language)
(thunder crashing)
- Yikes, I gotta get outta here.
(man panting)
(tense orchestral music)
(motorcycles
rumbling in distance)
I'm the only one left.
I have to keep my bog hair.
Shit.
That woman's a monster.
I gotta warn the others.
(thunder crashing)
(breathing heavily)
Screw the others.
(car alarm wailing)
- [Alarm Voice] Move
away from the vehicle.
Put your hands in the air.
Support the NRA.
Vote Republican.
Always use a condom.
Eat pork.
Don't forget to
call your mother.
(eerie ambient music)
(man screams)
- I love the feel of
silk on bare skin.
- No more
pesky--
- Body hair.
(thunder crashing)
- [Yvonne] On to the next
unsuspecting little town.
Let's ride!
("Hot Wax Zombies on Wheels")
♪ So you better beware
♪ 'Cause we're hot wax zombies
♪ We're almost there
♪ We're the hot wax
zombies on wheels ♪
♪ Hot wax zombies on wheels
♪ Hot wax zombies on wheels
♪ Hot wax zombies on wheels
(laughing)
(Sharon laughing)
- [Sven] Slow down, butch.
- [Sharon] I just love
it here in Daneport.
Nothing ever happens here.
(rock music)
- [Sven] Tipoa.
- [Sharon] You're on.
(bird caws)
(man burps)
♪ Baby
♪ When you get back
♪ Back in your room
♪ After your move, yeah
♪ Oh, maybe
♪ You'll be all right
♪ When it's dark
♪ You have your sunshine
- [Sven] So damn butch.
- That's what you
get for biking with
your best friend's girl.
(laughing)
- [Sven] Race ya.
- [Sharon] You're on.
The old Augusta house.
- [Sven] See you in my mirror.
(Sharon laughs)
♪ Takin' off my mask
♪ Takin' off my head
♪ It's not my problem
♪ Refuse to see
♪ Oh, it's not my problem
(man farts)
- [Man] Hey!
- [Yvonne] Needs a little
fixing up, but it'll do.
Shh, Martin, someone's coming.
(laughing)
- Oh.
"Vickings rule."
- At least I can spell,
unlike certain barbers.
- Star quarterbacks
don't have to spell.
- You're right, they
just have to make passes
at the homecoming queen.
- No truer love
than me and Mick.
And what about you, shy guy?
- Hey, I'm uh,
pacing myself.
- Oh, okay.
- [Yvonne] Martin,
find out how they feel
about depilatil rays.
- [Martin] Suppositories?
(slapping)
Ow.
- [Critter] Oh, baby,
faster, faster, faster.
Get it in.
Oh, oh, ah ah ah, oo.
(light orchestral music)
- Morning, captains.
- [Zebediah] Sven, Sharon.
- Nice day.
- [Both] Yeah.
- What do you reckon
the weather will be like
tomorrow, Captain Obadiah?
- Horny.
There's an evil wind
a-blowing, an evil wind.
- West north west.
- You old shark bait,
it's north by northwest.
- Don't you go telling
me the wind direction.
I know these seas like
the back of my hand.
- You ain't seen that
clear-like in 20 years.
(Zebediah growls)
- What do you mean
by evil wind, cap'n?
- Oh, he's right
about that, by cracky.
E-vile it is.
- Evil how?
- [Obadiah] When the sky
burns cold, the raven barks.
- Aye, the albatross
dances with the whale.
- Aye.
(bird cries)
(rock music)
(Sharon laughs)
- Oh, are you still
determined to leave?
- Nothing ever happens here.
I don't know what
I was thinking,
trying to make it as a
manicurist in this town.
- And so that means
you're going to go to--
- Well, I need to go
somewhere where they
can appreciate a good
manicure, a great foot massage,
and a, and an outstanding
lacquer selection.
Orlando, Florida.
- Well, I'm gonna
miss you, Ruby.
(both laugh)
- [Sven] What?
- She might as well
stay here for that.
You heard the latest?
The old Augusta house, sold.
Queers probably, you know, gay.
Opening a beauty salon.
- Mm, good, maybe I can
get a decent haircut, Mick.
- Ooh, take that back
you sultry bitch,
or I'll blow you silly.
- Oh, I better get out.
(laughing)
- When are you going to get out
of ladies' underwear, Sharon?
- Oh, you know me Frank,
I don't do cheap jokes.
(singing in foreign language)
- [Radio Announcer]
And now for another
swinging hit for you
single ladies over 40
waiting for the tuna fleet.
("La Bamba")
- Mm,
oh baby.
Mm, I just keep
getting it for you.
You got me all wrapped
around the axle.
(bell jingles)
- Neither rain nor
sleet nor dark of night.
- Sorry.
- It's all right, that's
what the shop's about.
Sort of.
Hadn't you better
finish your rounds, Ken?
- Yeah, I guess so.
Sorry, baby.
Wish I could stay.
Bye.
Oh, the mail, forgot
the mail almost.
I'll see you, baby.
(bell jingles)
- He's new.
Wow, you're a sucker for
men in uniform, Carrie.
- Oh, I'm a sucker
for a man, period.
I've noticed you're not
at a loss for suitors.
- Mick?
- Mick's okay.
Sven's a real guy.
And he's interested.
- Sven's my pal, nothing more.
(bell jingles)
Hi, Ted.
- Hi, Sharon.
Pilar's got a birthday
coming up real soon.
I thought I'd get
her something pretty.
- Great, well, I've
got just the thing.
This is soft, it's beautiful.
It's pretty, it's
warm, it's soft.
Just the thing for winter.
- I was think something
more, you know, something--
- [Carrie] Sexier?
- Oh, gee Ted, I didn't
think you went in for
that sort of thing, but uh--
- You old devil, you.
- Not that old, Carrie.
- I get the picture.
- How about this?
More of what you had in mind?
It's what I wear.
- Yeah, I like that, yeah.
- [Carrie] And the size?
- Mrs. Lewis is a
size 18, Carrie.
(cow moos)
- I see.
- [Ted] In a box, please.
(singing in foreign language)
- [Ted] Get a box, please.
- That'll be $35, Ted.
(horse whinnies)
(motorcycle approaching)
(rock music)
- Oh, I love the feel
of silk on bare skin.
Don't you?
- Can I help you?
- I said don't you?
- Um, sure, all, all, all,
all, all women do, um.
I didn't hear you come in.
♪ Well, you better step up
♪ 'Cause I got
something for you ♪
♪ Just take a good look at me
♪ 'Cause I'm new and
improved, you see ♪
♪ Now seems like
a real good time ♪
♪ Think I'll start
coming in with it ♪
♪ Hey
♪ You
♪ Me
- This won't hinder
you much longer.
I'll take care of it.
- Weren't you leaving, Ted?
Will that be all?
- I want to see your underwear.
- I beg your pardon.
- Well, granted, I want to
see your leather g-strings,
you split panties,
your cut-out bras.
Whatever you have
with metal studs.
- Um.
Well.
I'm afraid this is
risque as we get.
- Hah.
I'll just take the gown.
- Will that be charge or--
- It'll be cash.
- It'll be 395.
- Hot, M.
(fingers snapping)
I suggest you invest in some
recreational
underwear, Miss Talbot.
You're going to need it.
I think these people
are ready for a wax.
- [Martin] Who's Max?
Ow!
- I, I didn't hear them come in.
Did you hear them come in?
Ted.
Ted, I'm asking you a question.
- I can't wait to pump her gas.
- You're self-serve, Ted.
(bell jingles)
Weird, huh?
Weren't they sort of
unnaturally shiny?
- Oh, I need some fresh air.
(accordion music)
- [Radio Announcer] Remember,
City Council meeting
in the fish locker
at six o'clock.
(light orchestral music)
- And further, Mister Mayor,
I move for a no-growth ordinance
until we discover just
what the desecration
of our water off of
our coast will have.
- Mr. Hutchenreuther,
we have the most
modern water treatment,
the most stringent
environmental controls
on the offshore waters,
as well as the harbor.
Surely you know that--
- You have no idea what's
going on out there!
The new deviation,
the monsters even now
rallying to take us over.
- Oh sir, Daneport.
(laughing)
- I move we wait and see.
Seconded?
- Seconded.
(gavel banging)
- Thank you Bancroft,
you may sit down now.
Any more business?
(rock music)
- A business license.
- And who might you be?
- Yvonne Wayne.
I'm renovating the
old Augusta house,
and opening up a waxing salon.
- Now just a
second, little lady.
You never said
anything about wax.
She never said
anything about wax.
Ted's Self-Serve
is fully equipped
with a full line of--
- Hair removal, Ted.
- Hair removal.
A salon to remove, I see.
Well, Pilar could stand to
lose some hair, I guess.
- So could you.
- I think it's unnatural.
Bad for the complexion.
Bad for the whole human machine.
- Nothing like the
wife did up to give
the man incentive to
come ashore, eh Pepe?
(laughing)
- Wait a minute.
I have some questions.
I'm a reporter, Miss Wayne.
It's in my instincts.
I know a few things.
- How lucky for you.
- How do we know these
people are qualified.
Don't you have to have
a beautician's license
from the state
before you can go off
opening up some
hotsy-totsy wax salon?
Just where is that, Miss Wayne?
Hmm?
- Well, certainly, Mr. Miller.
I have all the
appropriate paperwork.
Would you care to see it?
- License, license, license.
- License.
- License.
- License.
- License.
- License.
- Wait a minute.
- Majority rules, Karen.
Seconded?
- Seconded.
- Second, sec, call it.
- Seconded, meeting adjourned.
(all chattering)
(light orchestral music)
- [Sharon] Captains.
- [Obadiah] Yeah?
- [Sharon] What was it you
were saying about an evil wind?
- [Obadiah] The evil wind is
one that'll turn you in you
any minute and make
your hair stand on end.
- [Zebediah] It'll
shiver your timbers,
furl the tops'l and
keelhaul the bosun.
- [Obadiah] An evil
wind will put the mizzen
in the fraggin' in as
long as it takes to blink.
- Oh.
That makes sense.
Thanks.
Um, captains, I know
I shouldn't ask this,
but what are you whittling?
- Yew.
- [Sharon] Me.
- No, yew.
- I?
- [Zebediah] Aye.
- Oh, yew.
Y-E-W, the tree.
- Aye, yew.
- Oh, I was reading an
article about the Pacific yew
just the other day, it has
all sorts of curative powers
like asthma,
cancer, you name it.
- Aye, and it'll take the
barnacles off your stem.
- And the woodworm
off your stern.
Like to smoke it.
- I like mine with milk.
- Give her a try.
- [Obadiah] Never know
when you might need it.
- Think we confused her
with all this nautical talk?
- I suppose so.
Reckon that's what it's all
about, being an old salt.
- Old tar, properly
it's an old tar.
- I know what I am,
Zebediah, you old fool.
(grunting)
(tense synth music)
- [Yvonne] I've been
expecting you, Mr. Miller.
- How did you get this
place fixed up so fast?
- I know my subcontractors
like the back of my
brassiere cup.
- Like the back
of your, your br,
hold on.
I want to talk to you about your
business, because frankly,
this kind of establishment
is something we in Daneport
associate with fruits,
and Europeans, and we don't,
don't have that sort
around here.
- Not at all, Mr. Miller.
You've got it all wrong.
Let me show you.
- So, I told Jane, I
said, so what if he's
15 years younger than she is.
If he makes her happy,
that's what counts.
- Well, so long as
the kid's parents
and the police don't find out.
So what are you
doing this afternoon?
- Ooh, I thought I'd
try that new salon.
Maybe get myself done.
Who knows, maybe
some 17-year-old stud
will get the hots for me.
- (laughs) Mom, you
and some young thing.
Let me know how it goes, okay?
- With the salon or the stud?
- The salon.
You know, I met that
Yvonne Wayne the other day.
She seemed a little weird.
- Oh, weird like Bancroft
Hutchenreuter weird,
or weird like body snatchers?
- Well, just don't
let them turn you into
a sex maniac or anything, okay?
- Oh, and I thought it
was the widows like me
who were supposed
to be the prudes.
- I don't know, it just
seems a little whacko.
- Afraid of the
competition, are you?
- We don't do legs.
- Then what's the beef?
- Well, I don't get it.
I mean, why bring this kind
of business to Daneport?
People in big cities and Europe
get that kind of treatment.
Holy shit.
- What?
- W-Wayne's D-dip-i-di-di--
- Depilation.
- Right.
- Yeah.
A full page ad?
What's gotten into
Frank, anyway?
He's never taken out a
full page ad in his life.
- Where is he, anyway?
Has anyone seen him?
Wayne's Waxing Salon announces
its opening giveaway,
one free body wax with this ad.
Do away with pesky body
hair for six months.
(sighing)
Be more attractive
to the opposite sex.
Swim faster.
Experience love making
as it should be.
Smooth and hairless.
- [Matt] Then what's the beef?
- It's good for six months.
I mean, if it's
good for six months,
how can they stay in business?
- Wait for the tuna fleet?
- Or an outbreak of puberty.
Thinking about getting
a wax done, Matt?
- Me?
Never.
Car, maybe.
(rock music)
- [Woman] Oh, oh,
this is lovely.
(chuckling)
(bell tolls)
- [Girl] See?
Told you it wasn't haunted.
- But my Uncle Hernando
said it was a place of evil.
- [Girl] Well, your Uncle
Hernando's been at sea too long.
(needle scratching)
(woman screams)
- I love--
(gasping)
- Frank.
- The feel of silk on bare skin.
- You do?
- Got any silk jock socks?
- Uh, jock?
- Something roomy.
- Roomy.
Like a studio, or
like a mansion?
That was a joke.
Um.
No, no, uh no jock,
silk or otherwise, none.
I hardly even recognized him.
He looked like a wax apple
having a bad hair day.
- He has undergone rejuvenation
at the hot wax palace.
- [Sharon] Well, what
all did they do to him?
- Made him a man.
- Really?
Ew (laughs).
Well, you went there.
What was it like?
(Mom chuckles)
Mom?
Mom, are you okay?
The salon.
What was it like?
- Why do you ask?
- Oh, come on.
A salon in Daneport.
A place like that reminds me of
a beauty parlor for dogs.
You take in a shaggy
mutt, you come out with
a clipped pooch with
a bow on its hip
and one on its head smelling
like a French whore house.
And what all did they do to you?
Did they do the whole like
body massage and makeup deal?
- They get rid of all
that pesky body hair.
It was the most liberating
experience of my life.
God, I need a man!
- Ain't that the truth.
Got tons of stuff
that needs to be
taken care of around
here, and Mick,
getting him to help out
is next to impossible.
(Mom screams)
What?
- All that hair!
Why don't you do something?
- I'm shaving it.
- That's not enough!
(crying)
- Mom?
Mom!
(orchestral music hit)
(knife chopping)
- Yeah, you're pretty
handy with that knife.
- Amazing.
- It is my profession, you know.
Being amazing.
- Hey babe.
You okay?
- Babe.
(jazzy music)
- Man, that's gotta hurt.
- Not if you know
what you're doing.
(screams)
What's the matter?
- My mother.
She went into that
new salon today,
and they must have I don't know
given her weird
pills or something.
- It takes women days
to adjust to a new do.
- Oh, okay, Micky.
Well, how does that
explain Frank Miller, huh?
He's gone weird too.
- Let's eat.
- All right.
(soft rock music)
- [Sven] Okay, so one,
two, three, four, there.
- [Mick] My turn?
- [Sven] Yeah, it's your turn.
- [Mick] (laughs) Double purple.
- You've been getting
lucky all night.
- I'm just good.
(clattering outside)
- No Mick, you're over here.
- No, I'm right there.
- Mick, you're over here.
No, you're over here.
- All right, you're right.
(loud clattering outside)
Raccoons?
- Who knows.
Come on.
- You guys.
Guys!
(door clicking)
(sighing)
(tense music)
(grunting)
- [Man] Fore!
(upbeat orchestral music)
(needle scratching)
(tense music)
(thunder crashing)
(both yelling)
- [Man] You must
die, you must die.
Bastard, burn the bastard, burn.
- Gosh, can't we all
just like get alone.
- I think somebody
doesn't like us.
(all yell)
- Jesus, Sharon.
- What the hell is that?
Now that's scary.
- High tech raccoons.
- Elaborate practical joke.
- Hanged in effigy?
You must have really
botched a flattop.
- [Sven] Well, I say we put
our gallows friend to bed.
- Yeah.
- [Man] You must die.
Bastard, burn the
bastard, burn him.
You must die.
You must die, bastard.
(thunder crashing)
(ominous music)
(Yvonne laughs)
- [Yvonne] And you won't
forget to wax my throttle.
(thunder crashing)
(acoustic rock music)
♪ Only for daybreak
♪ Can't catch me
♪ If I can only see
♪ What I you and I would need
♪ Sorry if it hurts
♪ Well, maybe I'll
stay at home ♪
♪ Oh, now the word is out.
- Mmm.
Try telling me again it
was kids who did that.
- Come on.
Who doesn't like barbers?
- Someone with a
gruesome sense of humor.
- Somehow, this doesn't seem
like the time or the place.
- Is that all you think about?
- Yeah.
(grunting)
(ominous music)
- What's going on?
- [Yvonne] This one desperately
needs to be waxed (laughs).
- And eight times a
week just isn't enough.
You know what my doctor said.
- So it's more therapeutic
for you to have sex
than it is to make love
with your girlfriend.
- It's science.
Besides, you always
love it when I--
- Mmm.
- [Yvonne] Watch it.
Come.
- [Martin] Pesky body hair.
- [Yvonne] Watch it.
(slapping)
- [Martin] Ow.
- City Council
official business.
(Mick sighs)
(needle scratching)
(water splashing)
(birds chirping)
(tense synth music)
(man and woman moaning)
- How nice to see you,
Miss Councilwoman.
- Business keeps
going on like this,
you'll have to open branches.
- We're thinking, website.
(woman screams)
Some take the removal
better than others.
(tense music)
- [Sharon] How
unusual, it's so warm.
- This is where we mix
the wax with the other
ingredients to
remove all traces of
pesky body hair.
Yes, there is a special chemical
to soften the skin
and some say it
affects the mind.
- It does?
- It frees you from the
distraction of pesky body hair.
- It does?
- Depilation sets
one free from all the
unpleasant emotions that
we associate with hair.
- It does?
- The ecstasy of being
without pesky body hair
is truly orgasmic.
- It is.
- Beyond your
wildest imagination.
It just keeps going and
going and going and going,
your libido goes wild!
Taking you to places that you
never even dared to dream about.
(laughing)
(rock music)
♪ Ow
♪ We used to be, oh
♪ Superstar girl
- [Sharon] Places we've
never dreamed about?
Like Orlando?
(man yells)
(woman sighs)
(man yells)
(woman screams)
(Yvonne laughs)
♪ She's so crazy
♪ The girl's gone crazy
♪ She's so crazy
(moaning)
(laughing)
♪ Any time, any place
♪ She's got such
peculiar taste ♪
♪ She's so crazy
(needle scratching)
- I thought you guys all
go to sleep afterwards.
- Not me.
You ready for the next round?
- As soon as you are.
What's that smell?
- While you were
in the bathroom I
started heating something.
- Oh yeah, like what?
- It's going to make
it so good for you.
You're never going to
believe it could be so good.
- Oh, yes I will.
- Do you trust me?
- I just fucked you
for three hours.
- Then I really have
something for you.
(chiming music)
- What are you going to do?
- [Man] Gonna rid you
of that pesky body hair.
- Cool!
Oh.
Oh, don't stop now, I
feel lonely and neglected.
- Have to wait til it dries.
- Then hand me my
cigarette, please,
I might as well have
something in my mouth.
(gavel pounding)
(light synth music)
- [Man] Any business?
- [Woman] No.
- Adjourned.
- [Man] Hurry up, Frank.
I need to get laid.
(groaning)
(pop music)
♪ Work that body,
work that body ♪
(man and woman groaning)
♪ Work that body,
work that body ♪
♪ Make sure you
don't hurt nobody ♪
(man and woman groaning)
♪ Make you don't hurt nobody
♪ Work that body,
work that body ♪
♪ Everybody
- Faster, faster.
Faster, faster.
Faster.
Faster.
- You've got to be kidding.
♪ Get on the floor and get up
- [Computer Voice] Welcome
to Yvonne's website.
Please enter password.
- Depilation.
(keyboard clacking)
- [Computer Voice]
Access denied.
- Hmm.
Horny.
(keyboard clacking)
- [Yvonne] Access denied.
- Dammit.
(Yvonne laughs)
You look like you
had a hard night.
- The best.
- You look like
sunburned or something.
- Oh, I feel terrific.
- [Yvonne] Access denied.
- I made love all night.
- Isn't that normal for you?
- Come to think
of it, yes, it is.
(rock music)
♪ You, the eyes of the world
♪ Tell us how long
it will take ♪
♪ We're onto you
♪ We're onto you
♪ You, the voice of the world
♪ Tell us what you need to say
(needle scratching)
("La Bamba")
(singing in foreign language)
- Scratch sleepy cost
town, put catatonic.
- It's like the whole
town's turn into,
I don't know, zombies.
Vampires.
Walking dead.
Republicans.
Ever since they came to town.
That's a strange
group of bikers.
(rock music)
Ooh, I like my nasty body hair.
(rock music)
- Pesky
body hair.
What's that?
- Yew.
- Me?
- Who?
- What?
- It's something the
captains gave me.
- [Radio Announcer]
That was a hit.
I will now play another hit,
though I don't know
why anyone listens
to this mierda.
- Something stinks in this town.
- That's the paper
mill in Eureka.
(farting)
- [Radio Announcer] I myself
am free of such trivialities.
All I need now are
some compliant nubile
hairless 18-year-old girls
to make my life complete.
(singing in foreign language)
- Don't we all.
Did he just say mierda, mara.
- You won't go near that salon.
Promise.
- Oh (scoffs) no.
- I'm not worried about Sven.
I know he won't do
anything foolish.
- Coward that I am.
- [Sharon] But you.
- Hair is my life.
- Keep it that way.
(heavy metal music)
♪ I got it, I got it
♪ I got no hair
♪ Under this hat
♪ And it trace south
♪ Down my back
♪ But I've got to slip away
♪ Slip away
♪ I've got to slip away
♪ From you, baby
♪ I've gotta go
♪ You've gotta go
♪ Ah, and the sun will rise
- More wax, Talbot.
- I'm stirring the hot
tub as fast as I can!
- You are stirring the vat!
- [Yvonne] You're
stirring the cauldron.
♪ Slip away
(cat meows)
(thunder crashing)
♪ Up a tree
♪ You won't follow me
- That is all for today.
We will be back tomorrow at
this time with a new load.
See you then, and
have a nice day.
♪ Slip away
- Busy?
- Mmm.
- Ain't seen nothing like
this since ought six.
(man growling)
(van squeaking)
- Ah.
- What is, what
do you want here?
- This won't hurt
a bit, handsome.
- Get out of here, woman.
- Then you'll be all ours,
free of that pesky body hair.
(grunting)
- [Woman] Don't you want us?
- Are you sick or something?
Perverted?
The wax will set you free.
- Get on out of
here, young women,
or we'll make you
walk the plank.
- We'll make shark bait
out of you, now git.
(gasping)
(captains grumble)
Ain't seen the like of this
since we rode with
Teddy Roosevelt.
- Pershing.
- Roosevelt.
- That was Pershing,
you don't know.
- Goldang it, it was
Roosevelt, you old fool.
- You wouldn't know Roosevelt
if he came up, shook your hand.
- What's up, Ted.
(ominous music)
How's Pilar?
- No more pesky body hair.
- Yeah, well you know,
I try not to meddle
in people's marital
affairs, but,
a little turn-off, huh?
You know, the hair?
(Ted yells)
Hey, hey, hey hey hey,
what's the matter?
Hey, Ted, don't be
afraid, it's me, Mick.
Here, take 14 bucks.
(Ted yells)
Here, come on, take
the $14, come on.
- Get out!
- The money.
- Get out!
Go away!
- Ted.
- You will become
unbelievably horny.
Look at Pilar, 180
pounds of bucking bronco.
- Unbelievably?
- Get out!
- Horny?
(thunder crashes)
(ominous music)
(door creaking)
(fingers snapping)
Ah!
- We've been expecting
you, Mr. Orion.
- Have you now?
- You seem most interested
in what our little
salon has to offer.
How 'bout a demonstration.
(harp music)
(women moaning and laughing)
(laughing)
(harp music)
- Uh, oh, come on.
Come on, come on.
Dang.
(spring boinging)
Sorry.
(ominous orchestral music)
- Oh, he was so well hung.
Take him to room number four.
- Whoa, whoa, come on, come on.
Come on, no, no, not
room number four.
("La Bamba")
(phone ringing)
- [Mick] Hey, I'm probably out
giving a buzz cut,
so leave a message.
(voicemail beeping)
- Hi, honey, it's me.
I'm feeling a
little, I don't know.
Um, okay so, maybe I've been
a little preoccupied lately
but um, I just
need to feel safer
with all this going on, so um.
Anyway, I've got a
surprise for you.
It's the top of the
line at the shop.
(chuckling)
So um, get here ASAP, okay?
- This is a simple
process of osmosis.
While the wax is bonding
to your pesky body hair,
this chemical is
seeping into your skin,
into your very psyche.
- Yeah well, you see, I'm Irish,
and I really don't want
anything seeping into my psyche.
- (laughs) Once you're
with us, you'll see.
All the barriers are down.
No fear, no hate.
No evulsion, no pesky
bodism sentimentality.
Just pure sensualism.
- Gosh.
- Yes, gosh.
(hissing)
This may sting a little.
(Mick yells)
- Damn it, Mick.
Where are you?
Think, think.
(upbeat jazz music)
(needle scratching)
Yes.
(wind blowing)
(Mick yells)
- Hey, he's taking this
very well, isn't he?
- Yes.
Leave us.
Now you will feel what you
have never felt before.
(Yvonne moans)
Blood.
See how much better
it is without--
- Pesky body hair.
(rattling outside)
(rattling)
- Nothing's going to happen,
dipshit, there's no music.
There's always music when
something's going to happen.
(ominous music)
Oh, jeez.
(thunder crashes)
(phone ringing)
- [Woman] Thank you for calling
9-1-1 emergency services.
We're out of the
office at the moment,
but if it's really,
really urgent,
having to do with
pesky body hair,
please page us at Wayne's
Depilation Palace,
and we hope you have a nice,
hairless, fulfilling day.
- Mick won't answer his phone.
9-1-1's at an orgy.
(suspenseful orchestral music)
(Sharon screams)
- We're here.
- I'll use it.
- I hope you're wearing
nice underwear, Sharon.
- Really now, there's
no need for violence.
Have the treatment.
Be one of us.
- No more hate, no
fear, no jealousy.
- No more teacher's dirty looks.
- You'll discover your
true sensuality within,
beneath all that pesky--
- Body hair.
I always wanted you, you know.
- I'll slice you into
candles, I promise.
- Sounds sensual.
- You can't kill us, Sharon.
We're zombies, hot wax zombies.
We're already dead.
- Ow!
No!
(thunder crashes)
- [Martin] Genetic deviation.
- Ew.
- [Martin] Monsters.
- Ugh.
(Ted screams)
That stuff's dynamite.
(cannon fires)
Yow, help!
Help!
(suspenseful orchestral music)
Mick?
(floor creaks)
Mick.
(tense music)
(Sharon gasps)
(needle scratching)
Mick.
- Hubba hubba.
- Horny, aren't you?
And insistent, too.
- No.
Come on.
- Where?
- In the kitchen.
- The kitchen?
Don't you know what's
happening out there?
We, we, we've gotta run,
we've gotta find Sven, I mean.
Hmm, uh, seems a little
early for mosquitoes, huh?
So you've been hot
waxed, haven't you?
- It's better than
being like you,
a slave to emotions
and pesky body hair.
- So you don't feel
any emotions at all?
- Only one, lust.
Insatiable carnality.
Being free of pesky
body hair has opened up
a whole new world to me.
A world of ultimate sensuality.
- Since when do you
need help getting horny?
- It's for the best,
Sharon, you'll see.
We'll spend the rest
of our lives together
experiencing the
ultimate sensuality.
- You, you're
repeating yourself.
- Oh, it's going to be so
good, you being one of us.
Now relax.
The pain won't last long.
And when it's over
(magical chiming music)
I'll let you be on top.
- Golly, I can hardly wait.
(Sharon yells)
(power drill running)
Always in the right
place at the right time.
Bye bye, darling.
- [Mick] But Sharon, I can help!
No more pesky body hair!
Ever!
- Oh, Sharon.
(grunting)
There's no way out, Sharon.
(knocking on door)
- [Mick] Hey, somebody
mind letting me out?
- You can't stop monsters
created from man's (thumping)
gumption of our ecology.
- Whatever.
We are the undead, join us.
- Never
- Yes, you will.
- Avast, you squab.
Hard about, girly.
Hoist the mainsail.
(thunder crashing)
(loud explosion booming)
- Only your emotions where dead.
And your follicles, Matt.
- Oh, that explains it.
Ow!
- My God.
- That's gotta hurt.
- He looks like he's
got a walrus on him.
- [Obadiah] A walrus?
An albatross, you ol' stubborn--
- No, it ain't a damn albatross.
It's a whale.
Jesus Christ.
- Look at the hair.
Looks like a manatee.
- [Matt] What are you?
- Y-E-W, exactly.
- Smart zombie, by cracky.
- Pacific yew.
Of course, you two
knew all along.
- Best run along, girly,
while we use these
zombies to swab the deck.
- Cleanse the barnacles
and fight the lines.
- Aye.
- Wait a minute, fellas.
I ain't been laid yet.
Freak!
(pounding on door)
- [Mick] Somebody.
Open up.
I'm really horny.
(ominous orchestral music)
(zombie moans)
(Sharon screams)
(zombie groans)
- Carrie, Carrie, you've, wah.
- Hi, Sharon.
- What are you doing?
- I'm going to
Portland to try out for
the U.S. national swim team.
- Oh no, not you too.
I can't let you
spread this contagion.
- What contagion?
- Whatever it is that
makes people zombies.
Ravenous, hairless
horn dog zombies.
U.S. swim team?
- I went to the
nationals as a junior.
I did it all.
I told you I was thinking
of getting back into it.
Well, here's my opportunity.
I guess I didn't react
like they expected.
I went to the pool
and I practiced.
I still have it.
And they were right.
(screaming)
I do swim faster.
- But it d-d-d-didn't turn you
into a sex-crazed zombie or?
- I had no inhibitions to lose.
Except those keeping
from trying out
for the national swim team.
And I'm doing that next week.
- Help me.
I have to stop them.
They'll take this formula,
and they'll do this again
in town after town after
town unless they're stopped.
- Okay.
- I will, I must stop them.
- Okay, whatever.
- I'll watch for
you on Wide World.
- [Carrie] Okay, whatever.
- Carrie.
(sighing)
Well, I guess it's just me
and yew.
(ominous orchestral music)
(thunder crashing)
- Once we corral Congress,
then we'll go after
the closet cross-dressers
on the radical right.
(Sharon grunts)
Congressmen are so kinky.
Not to mention the President.
For say fare (laughs).
- Ow, oh.
Ow.
(grunting)
(rock music)
Hot damn.
It's party time.
- Everyone I kiss or has
cornered over the internet.
Our power will be
limitless (laughs).
We'll be the gods of
ultimate sensualism.
Rulers of the
world, free at last
from that dreaded stubble.
Tight-ass Sharon Talbot
stands between us
and total dominion.
Not a problem.
- A world without hair.
Something has to be done.
- [Critter] Faster,
faster, faster,
get it in, oh, oh!
- Fucking rats.
- Oh baby, oh baby.
Faster, faster,
faster, get it in.
(moaning)
- Is that pesky body
hair keeping you
from living life to the fullest?
If you've answered yes to
any of these questions,
then I'm here to tell
you about something
that will revolutionize
your life forever.
The Wayne WaxOMatic.
Just a pinch in those
hard to reach areas,
and (gasps) you will find that
your appointment book
will fill up in no time.
The Wayne WaxOMatic.
Take it from me, a boon
to women everywhere.
- [Men] And we like it, too.
- Mom.
You're going cable?
(suspenseful orchestral music)
- Martin.
Come.
- [Martin] You calling me dumb?
(suspenseful orchestral music)
- Come on, stupid child safety.
(rock music)
- Get her.
- (laughs) "Get her".
Is that the best you
can come up with?
(Yvonne stammers)
- Seize the frigid interloper.
- That's pretty good.
Whoa!
- This room is a mess.
Somebody go get Marion.
♪ Yeah, there you go
talkin' all of that smack ♪
♪ Thinkin' that you're all
(door slamming)
- Ow, ow!
Mom.
- Radically cool,
isn't it, dear?
- I have to know,
what is the password?
- Orlando?
- Damn, almost.
Ow.
(thunder crashing)
(suspenseful orchestral music)
Shit.
Help!
(Yvonne laughs)
Help!
- Mmm, I love this thing.
(Sharon screams)
(suspenseful music)
(thunder crashing)
(Yvonne tsking)
- Ah, these things
always look better
in the catalogs, don't they?
Still, it shows a marked
lack of self-esteem.
(laughs)
(electricity crackling)
Oh, damn.
(sighing)
I hope you don't mind
waiting while I see to this.
Martin will keep you company.
This better not be those
fucking rats again.
(tense music)
- Can't you help me?
I don't want to wait for
them to come back and
see me like this,
makes me want you now.
- Yvonne told me not to.
- Mmm.
And I want you to do it.
- Yvonne won't let me.
- But I will.
(tender music)
(Sharon breaths heavily)
Not so fast, lover boy (laughs).
I stuff.
That's why they call
it a booby trap.
(spring boings)
- Thank you, thank
you very much.
- This is an outrage!
- No, this
is an outage.
(Yvonne hisses)
Ooh, scary lady.
(electricity crackling)
- How did you do that?
- I don't know.
Same way I know how to do this.
- Oh, what, stop, stop!
Stop, you're making me dizzy.
- All right, you and
Marion, back in the house.
(hoe down music)
(springs boinging)
(groaning)
(suspenseful orchestral music)
Hey, was that you screaming?
- Yeah, didn't you hear me?
- Barely.
I must have wax in my ears.
Uh, your blouse and
your, uh, accoutrements,
it's uh, they're open.
Here.
- Carrie was right.
You are the real guy.
(quiet farting)
To Gold Rock.
- What, now?
(grunting)
- Okay, that's it.
They've had their chance,
we're nailing them!
My cape.
- Oh, I had it cleaned.
What with the wax and the
road grime and everything.
- Let's ride!
(adventurous orchestral music)
- [Sven] Wow, she said
I was the real guy.
I wonder if she
meant it, though.
I mean, you know how women,
they just kind of say things.
Wait, wait a minute,
I mean, I'm real.
And I'm a guy, definitely a guy.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Mick's my best friend.
And Sharon's his gal.
No, I can't do that
to Mick, no way.
No way, I,
yeah I can, yeah I can.
Cool.
I got a girlfriend.
(needle scratches)
(rock music)
(needle scratches)
(adventurous music)
- [Sharon] Sven is the real guy.
Can I do this to Mick?
Yep, I can do that to Mick.
- [Sven] Is that an echo?
Cool.
(singing in foreign language)
- [Sharon] Oh my gosh,
she's right behind us.
- [Sven] A-ooo-ga,
a-ooo-ga, down below!
(Yvonne yells)
- Drive on!
Let's get 'em!
Whoo!
- I think we lost
them a few miles back.
But why here?
(tender music)
Okay, enough about geography.
But your timing.
- Think about it as
making up for lost time.
(motorcycles approaching)
We've got to get to
Freeport before Yvonne.
(singing in foreign language)
(light synth music)
- [Officer] Good evening.
- Uh, good evening,
I'm uh, Sharon Talbot,
City Councilwoman from Daneport,
and this is Sven Jacobsen,
one of our local businessmen.
- I'm impressed.
- [Sharon] Is, is there
a captain on duty?
- Got a problem?
- Listen, I think we need to
talk to the watch captain.
- I'm not good enough,
is that it, huh?
Who do you think you
are, rolling in here,
trying to get past
me to the captain
without any explanation?
Just trying to pull rank, go
over my head, do an end run?
Is that it, Miss City
Fucking Councilwoman?
Big fucking deal.
- Hey, may we see the
watch captain, please?
You don't understand,
this is about zombies.
- Zombies?
- [Sven] Yeah.
- [Officer] Zombies.
- Yeah.
- [Officer] Well yeah, why
didn't you guys just say so.
- He wouldn't believe
it, can you believe it?
- Oh, I can believe it.
I mean, can you believe it?
It's unbelievable.
But I believe it.
- Hmm.
Well, there's one way
to make him believe it.
Believe me.
- What?
- [Sharon] Follow me.
(beeping)
Please, lock all your doors,
bolt all your windows.
A group of hot wax
zombies is coming to town.
- Awesome.
- And if they find you,
you'll be destroyed.
So you gotta start
gathering yew.
You got it?
You gotta make your
yew turn on them.
What am I saying?
(motorcycles revving)
They're here, they're here!
Look out for the zombies!
(rock music)
- Oh, jeez.
All those years of
therapy shot to shit.
- So.
- [Yvonne] So.
- It's you.
- It's you.
- Evidently.
- You can't escape, you know.
- I won't surrender.
- Good, I like a challenge.
- You want to take
over the world.
- I said I like challenges.
- I won't let you.
- (laughs) You can't stop me.
- Maybe not.
(laughing)
But I can try.
I know what you are.
You've learned the
nearly forgotten secret
of formula H-73,
the chemical developed during
the Spanish-American War
to demoralize the enemy by
causing increased hair loss,
and increased lima
bean crop yields.
But it had a side effect.
It turned people into
unfeeling sex crazed zombies.
Well, it won't work,
because there's more to life
than sex and pleasure
and smooth skin.
There's love and
honor and shaving.
- You think so?
(laughing)
Well, we'll see.
You might like even sleeping
with your stud Mick.
I do.
- Uh-oh.
- You won't any more.
(both yelling)
(upbeat rock music)
♪ Whoa
- [Sharon] Ow.
(grunting)
♪ Woke up this morning
with an ache in my head ♪
♪ Got a little crazy
♪ Now I'm feelin' half dead
♪ Drinkin' last night
didn't make it go away ♪
♪ Should have the same
if I make it today ♪
♪ I just can't wait till
it makes me numb again ♪
♪ When I go back and then
♪ She's my only friend
♪ Whoa
♪ Same old me
♪ It's the same old remedy
♪ Whoa
- Let her go!
- Not yet, I'm almost there.
- Let her go, or
I'll let you have it!
- What?
That zombie's dangerous.
- All God's creatures
have a right to life.
- What makes you think
I'm God's creature?
- Don't quibble.
Now you, you zombie.
You get out of here.
Get out of town.
Never come here again.
(fingers snapping)
- Next time!
- Count on it!
Whew.
Do you know what you've
unleashed on the world?
The terror, the horror?
- We mustn't raise our
hands against one another.
We must learn to live
in peace and harmony.
- See what I gotta
work with here, man?
- Lovely, just lovely.
Wait'll they rip
your eyebrows off.
- They never hurt those
that are one with nature.
- Uh-huh, okay.
- Remember, respect one another.
- Yeah.
- Whoa.
- Peace at last.
(thunder crashing)
(upbeat rock music)
- [Obadiah] Hard about.
- Hard about to
port, goldang it.
(truck crashing)
I told you hard about to port.
- She don't steer like
a ship, you old grunion.
- And you don't
steer like a captain,
you miserable pool of squid ink.
- How was I supposed to
know she'd pitch and yaw
like a derelict, you rum head?
(grumbling)
(suspenseful orchestral music)
- [Sven] Sharon look,
that's the captains' truck.
- [Sharon] It's a total wreck.
Look at all that yew.
- [Sven] Who, me?
- [Sharon] Don't start with me.
- (laughs) Oh, that's
one load that won't get
to that tight-ass Sharon Talbot.
(zombies growling)
- I will not sleep
until these, these--
- Zombies.
- Are laid--
- They'd like that.
- To rest.
Are you with me?
- Me?
A barber?
Need you ask?
- You know what this
means, don't you?
We'll never be able
to sleep soundly,
never be able to trust anyone.
Always on the run,
always on the lookout.
Never a home or a
life of our own.
- You mean, we're
going to Los Angeles?
- It'll be a totally
different way of life.
- And we can charge it.
- All right!
(both cheering)
(upbeat music)
- [Sven] Wow, Beverly Hills.
- [Sharon] Land of
silicone and liposuction.
A perfect hideout for Yvonne.
- [Sven] Whoa, that guy
just missed me by a hair.
- [Sharon] Look out,
Sven, these people
are hairless and brainless.
- [Both] Beverly Hills.
- [Sven] Sharon, slow down.
Look, that trolley's
out of control.
- [Sharon] My God.
- [Driver] Ahh, no brakes!
- God Teddy, your
legs are so smooth.
Did you get them,
you know, done?
- Chez Yvonne on Rodeo.
Everybody gets done there.
It has opened up
a whole new world
of friction free ecstasy
for me, you know.
- [Man] Towels, ladies?
- Oh, life is
finally worth living,
without all that
pesky body hair.
- What's that address again?
(water splashing)
(elevator music)
(rock music)
(adventurous orchestral music)
(elevator music)
- Excuse me, the
garden is outside.
- We're not here
for hedge trimming.
(electricity crackling)
Ladies and gentlemen,
this salon is closed.
- [All] Closed?
- Do you know the contagion
that this waxing process
is wreaking on the country?
You may not have to shave your
legs for six months, sure,
but the cost is incalculable.
- First time is free.
- Your first time
is well beyond free.
You lose all
feeling, all emotion.
You become obsessed with
satiating your deepest desires
at the cost of your fellow man.
- And that might be all
right for you people
here in Beverly Hills, but
not for the rest of America.
(cannon fires)
And on top of all that, you
lose your desire to shop.
(customers clamoring)
(cannon fires)
(coughing)
Mom, Mom, are you okay?
- Stop with the
dust, Sharon, jeez.
Oh, how could I
have been so blind?
- Oh Mom.
Mom, listen to me.
Go home now, leave.
If you, if you listen to us,
we can help you, set you free.
- It was kind of
fun dear, but now,
stubble.
- Just leave this all behind,
it's a bad dream, that's all.
- It did have its
compensations, though.
- Mom!
- Oh, oh.
- [Critter] Oh God,
that feels so good.
- Rats.
- [Critter] Oh baby, oh
baby, faster, faster, faster,
get it in, oh, oh.
(woman screams)
Oh baby.
Get it in, oh, oh.
(light jazz music)
- Hey babe.
Ooh.
- Remember, the real
Mick died months ago.
- Only his follicles.
- Remember the
good times we had?
- Remember how they ended.
- They can come again.
You and me and some
recreational underwear.
It's all possible.
- Bet me.
(cannon fires)
(upbeat music)
(Mick screams)
Let's bet.
- What about Yvonne?
- My God, Sharon!
You saved me.
I mean, til now, I was
just a stud, right?
How can I thank you?
- You putz!
I told you not to go to
the old Augusta house,
and off you go,
two-timing me with some
artificially maintained
motorcycle mama.
- I couldn't help it.
It's my hormones.
(grunting)
- How's that for hormones?
- You were pretty hard on him.
- Zombie or no zombie,
wax or no wax,
nobody two-times me.
- I'll remember that.
- Yes, so will I (laughs).
So, you've been busy, I see.
- Extremism in the
battle to rid the world
of your infestation is no vice.
- Oh, my my my, even you
hairy ones can wax poetic.
- You ain't seen
nothing yet, lady.
Ciao, Yvonne.
(cannon fires)
- Again.
(electricity crackles)
Again.
(electricity crackles)
- Running a little short
of your precious shavings?
Take them.
Now what was that, ciao?
(laughs)
(cannon fires)
(bluegrass music)
- Dusted them
zombies, by cracky.
- A-yup, shaving grace.
I told you I caught
the breath of
an evil wind in this town.
- If it ain't them
zombies, it's barnacles.
Ain't no speed rake
gonna loosen 'em up
when they're that tight
on a feller's ass.
- Explains why these
folks walk so damn funny.
- A-yuh.
- (laughs) Nice try, Talbot.
But as usual, you didn't
make it to the climax.
(laughs)
(upbeat rock music)
- [Driver] No brakes!
- [Woman] You've been saying
that since San Francisco!
(trolley crashing)
(wheel squeaking)
- Feels so strangely
unsatisfied.
- It's the anti-climax,
that's all.
- I'll uh, meet you back
in Daneport, Sharon?
- Perhaps, Mick.
Now go on, get going before
I wax you a bald spot.
How long,
how long til people
listen to us,
til they understand
there's no sin in shaving,
til they realize the danger?
- As long as it takes, I guess,
until they realize
it's no sin to see a barber.
(ambulance siren approaching)
- I'm telling you, there's
no one under there.
There's this cape,
and this gooey, waxy stuff.
You sure there was a
rider on this bike?
I mean, maybe the bike
was just parked here.
I mean, she ain't here
now, unless she was
made out of wax or something.
(engine revving)
(Yvonne laughs)
("Hot Wax Zombies on Wheels")
♪ We're wheelin' our
bikes everywhere ♪
♪ Comin' to wax off your hair
♪ So you all better beware
♪ 'Cause we're hot wax zombies
♪ We're almost there
♪ We're the hot wax
zombies on wheels ♪
♪ Hot wax zombies on wheels
♪ Hot wax zombies on wheels
♪ Hot wax zombies on wheels
(laughing)
(adventurous orchestral music)
(police siren wailing)
(needle scratching)
(men laughing)
(calm orchestral music)
(needle scratches)
(rock music)
- Again, again.
- (laughs) Running a
little short on shavings.
- Maybe.
- [Yvonne] Pity.
- [Director] Cut.
Aw, shit.
(bluegrass music)
(grunting)
- [Radio Announcer]
That was a hit.
I will now play another
hit, though I don't know
why anybody listens
to this mierda.
- Where is everybody?
Don't they want
to get rid of that
pesky body hair forever.
- Damn it.
(blower whirs)
Thanks, Sven.
(crew laughs)
That ought to keep the couches
of Beverly Hills shrinks
warms for years after this.
(suspenseful orchestral music)
- [Man] All I need now
are some compliant,
nubile hairless 18-year-old
girls to make my life complete.
(radio tuning)
- [Radio Announcer] At number
one on the request line
for the 417th month, from
Pepe to his fishing crew
on the Pregnant Pelican.
("La Bamba")
(singing in foreign language)
(thunder crashing)
- Yikes, I gotta get outta here.
(man panting)
(tense orchestral music)
(motorcycles
rumbling in distance)
I'm the only one left.
I have to keep my bog hair.
Shit.
That woman's a monster.
I gotta warn the others.
(thunder crashing)
(breathing heavily)
Screw the others.
(car alarm wailing)
- [Alarm Voice] Move
away from the vehicle.
Put your hands in the air.
Support the NRA.
Vote Republican.
Always use a condom.
Eat pork.
Don't forget to
call your mother.
(eerie ambient music)
(man screams)
- I love the feel of
silk on bare skin.
- No more
pesky--
- Body hair.
(thunder crashing)
- [Yvonne] On to the next
unsuspecting little town.
Let's ride!
("Hot Wax Zombies on Wheels")
♪ So you better beware
♪ 'Cause we're hot wax zombies
♪ We're almost there
♪ We're the hot wax
zombies on wheels ♪
♪ Hot wax zombies on wheels
♪ Hot wax zombies on wheels
♪ Hot wax zombies on wheels
(laughing)
(Sharon laughing)
- [Sven] Slow down, butch.
- [Sharon] I just love
it here in Daneport.
Nothing ever happens here.
(rock music)
- [Sven] Tipoa.
- [Sharon] You're on.
(bird caws)
(man burps)
♪ Baby
♪ When you get back
♪ Back in your room
♪ After your move, yeah
♪ Oh, maybe
♪ You'll be all right
♪ When it's dark
♪ You have your sunshine
- [Sven] So damn butch.
- That's what you
get for biking with
your best friend's girl.
(laughing)
- [Sven] Race ya.
- [Sharon] You're on.
The old Augusta house.
- [Sven] See you in my mirror.
(Sharon laughs)
♪ Takin' off my mask
♪ Takin' off my head
♪ It's not my problem
♪ Refuse to see
♪ Oh, it's not my problem
(man farts)
- [Man] Hey!
- [Yvonne] Needs a little
fixing up, but it'll do.
Shh, Martin, someone's coming.
(laughing)
- Oh.
"Vickings rule."
- At least I can spell,
unlike certain barbers.
- Star quarterbacks
don't have to spell.
- You're right, they
just have to make passes
at the homecoming queen.
- No truer love
than me and Mick.
And what about you, shy guy?
- Hey, I'm uh,
pacing myself.
- Oh, okay.
- [Yvonne] Martin,
find out how they feel
about depilatil rays.
- [Martin] Suppositories?
(slapping)
Ow.
- [Critter] Oh, baby,
faster, faster, faster.
Get it in.
Oh, oh, ah ah ah, oo.
(light orchestral music)
- Morning, captains.
- [Zebediah] Sven, Sharon.
- Nice day.
- [Both] Yeah.
- What do you reckon
the weather will be like
tomorrow, Captain Obadiah?
- Horny.
There's an evil wind
a-blowing, an evil wind.
- West north west.
- You old shark bait,
it's north by northwest.
- Don't you go telling
me the wind direction.
I know these seas like
the back of my hand.
- You ain't seen that
clear-like in 20 years.
(Zebediah growls)
- What do you mean
by evil wind, cap'n?
- Oh, he's right
about that, by cracky.
E-vile it is.
- Evil how?
- [Obadiah] When the sky
burns cold, the raven barks.
- Aye, the albatross
dances with the whale.
- Aye.
(bird cries)
(rock music)
(Sharon laughs)
- Oh, are you still
determined to leave?
- Nothing ever happens here.
I don't know what
I was thinking,
trying to make it as a
manicurist in this town.
- And so that means
you're going to go to--
- Well, I need to go
somewhere where they
can appreciate a good
manicure, a great foot massage,
and a, and an outstanding
lacquer selection.
Orlando, Florida.
- Well, I'm gonna
miss you, Ruby.
(both laugh)
- [Sven] What?
- She might as well
stay here for that.
You heard the latest?
The old Augusta house, sold.
Queers probably, you know, gay.
Opening a beauty salon.
- Mm, good, maybe I can
get a decent haircut, Mick.
- Ooh, take that back
you sultry bitch,
or I'll blow you silly.
- Oh, I better get out.
(laughing)
- When are you going to get out
of ladies' underwear, Sharon?
- Oh, you know me Frank,
I don't do cheap jokes.
(singing in foreign language)
- [Radio Announcer]
And now for another
swinging hit for you
single ladies over 40
waiting for the tuna fleet.
("La Bamba")
- Mm,
oh baby.
Mm, I just keep
getting it for you.
You got me all wrapped
around the axle.
(bell jingles)
- Neither rain nor
sleet nor dark of night.
- Sorry.
- It's all right, that's
what the shop's about.
Sort of.
Hadn't you better
finish your rounds, Ken?
- Yeah, I guess so.
Sorry, baby.
Wish I could stay.
Bye.
Oh, the mail, forgot
the mail almost.
I'll see you, baby.
(bell jingles)
- He's new.
Wow, you're a sucker for
men in uniform, Carrie.
- Oh, I'm a sucker
for a man, period.
I've noticed you're not
at a loss for suitors.
- Mick?
- Mick's okay.
Sven's a real guy.
And he's interested.
- Sven's my pal, nothing more.
(bell jingles)
Hi, Ted.
- Hi, Sharon.
Pilar's got a birthday
coming up real soon.
I thought I'd get
her something pretty.
- Great, well, I've
got just the thing.
This is soft, it's beautiful.
It's pretty, it's
warm, it's soft.
Just the thing for winter.
- I was think something
more, you know, something--
- [Carrie] Sexier?
- Oh, gee Ted, I didn't
think you went in for
that sort of thing, but uh--
- You old devil, you.
- Not that old, Carrie.
- I get the picture.
- How about this?
More of what you had in mind?
It's what I wear.
- Yeah, I like that, yeah.
- [Carrie] And the size?
- Mrs. Lewis is a
size 18, Carrie.
(cow moos)
- I see.
- [Ted] In a box, please.
(singing in foreign language)
- [Ted] Get a box, please.
- That'll be $35, Ted.
(horse whinnies)
(motorcycle approaching)
(rock music)
- Oh, I love the feel
of silk on bare skin.
Don't you?
- Can I help you?
- I said don't you?
- Um, sure, all, all, all,
all, all women do, um.
I didn't hear you come in.
♪ Well, you better step up
♪ 'Cause I got
something for you ♪
♪ Just take a good look at me
♪ 'Cause I'm new and
improved, you see ♪
♪ Now seems like
a real good time ♪
♪ Think I'll start
coming in with it ♪
♪ Hey
♪ You
♪ Me
- This won't hinder
you much longer.
I'll take care of it.
- Weren't you leaving, Ted?
Will that be all?
- I want to see your underwear.
- I beg your pardon.
- Well, granted, I want to
see your leather g-strings,
you split panties,
your cut-out bras.
Whatever you have
with metal studs.
- Um.
Well.
I'm afraid this is
risque as we get.
- Hah.
I'll just take the gown.
- Will that be charge or--
- It'll be cash.
- It'll be 395.
- Hot, M.
(fingers snapping)
I suggest you invest in some
recreational
underwear, Miss Talbot.
You're going to need it.
I think these people
are ready for a wax.
- [Martin] Who's Max?
Ow!
- I, I didn't hear them come in.
Did you hear them come in?
Ted.
Ted, I'm asking you a question.
- I can't wait to pump her gas.
- You're self-serve, Ted.
(bell jingles)
Weird, huh?
Weren't they sort of
unnaturally shiny?
- Oh, I need some fresh air.
(accordion music)
- [Radio Announcer] Remember,
City Council meeting
in the fish locker
at six o'clock.
(light orchestral music)
- And further, Mister Mayor,
I move for a no-growth ordinance
until we discover just
what the desecration
of our water off of
our coast will have.
- Mr. Hutchenreuther,
we have the most
modern water treatment,
the most stringent
environmental controls
on the offshore waters,
as well as the harbor.
Surely you know that--
- You have no idea what's
going on out there!
The new deviation,
the monsters even now
rallying to take us over.
- Oh sir, Daneport.
(laughing)
- I move we wait and see.
Seconded?
- Seconded.
(gavel banging)
- Thank you Bancroft,
you may sit down now.
Any more business?
(rock music)
- A business license.
- And who might you be?
- Yvonne Wayne.
I'm renovating the
old Augusta house,
and opening up a waxing salon.
- Now just a
second, little lady.
You never said
anything about wax.
She never said
anything about wax.
Ted's Self-Serve
is fully equipped
with a full line of--
- Hair removal, Ted.
- Hair removal.
A salon to remove, I see.
Well, Pilar could stand to
lose some hair, I guess.
- So could you.
- I think it's unnatural.
Bad for the complexion.
Bad for the whole human machine.
- Nothing like the
wife did up to give
the man incentive to
come ashore, eh Pepe?
(laughing)
- Wait a minute.
I have some questions.
I'm a reporter, Miss Wayne.
It's in my instincts.
I know a few things.
- How lucky for you.
- How do we know these
people are qualified.
Don't you have to have
a beautician's license
from the state
before you can go off
opening up some
hotsy-totsy wax salon?
Just where is that, Miss Wayne?
Hmm?
- Well, certainly, Mr. Miller.
I have all the
appropriate paperwork.
Would you care to see it?
- License, license, license.
- License.
- License.
- License.
- License.
- License.
- Wait a minute.
- Majority rules, Karen.
Seconded?
- Seconded.
- Second, sec, call it.
- Seconded, meeting adjourned.
(all chattering)
(light orchestral music)
- [Sharon] Captains.
- [Obadiah] Yeah?
- [Sharon] What was it you
were saying about an evil wind?
- [Obadiah] The evil wind is
one that'll turn you in you
any minute and make
your hair stand on end.
- [Zebediah] It'll
shiver your timbers,
furl the tops'l and
keelhaul the bosun.
- [Obadiah] An evil
wind will put the mizzen
in the fraggin' in as
long as it takes to blink.
- Oh.
That makes sense.
Thanks.
Um, captains, I know
I shouldn't ask this,
but what are you whittling?
- Yew.
- [Sharon] Me.
- No, yew.
- I?
- [Zebediah] Aye.
- Oh, yew.
Y-E-W, the tree.
- Aye, yew.
- Oh, I was reading an
article about the Pacific yew
just the other day, it has
all sorts of curative powers
like asthma,
cancer, you name it.
- Aye, and it'll take the
barnacles off your stem.
- And the woodworm
off your stern.
Like to smoke it.
- I like mine with milk.
- Give her a try.
- [Obadiah] Never know
when you might need it.
- Think we confused her
with all this nautical talk?
- I suppose so.
Reckon that's what it's all
about, being an old salt.
- Old tar, properly
it's an old tar.
- I know what I am,
Zebediah, you old fool.
(grunting)
(tense synth music)
- [Yvonne] I've been
expecting you, Mr. Miller.
- How did you get this
place fixed up so fast?
- I know my subcontractors
like the back of my
brassiere cup.
- Like the back
of your, your br,
hold on.
I want to talk to you about your
business, because frankly,
this kind of establishment
is something we in Daneport
associate with fruits,
and Europeans, and we don't,
don't have that sort
around here.
- Not at all, Mr. Miller.
You've got it all wrong.
Let me show you.
- So, I told Jane, I
said, so what if he's
15 years younger than she is.
If he makes her happy,
that's what counts.
- Well, so long as
the kid's parents
and the police don't find out.
So what are you
doing this afternoon?
- Ooh, I thought I'd
try that new salon.
Maybe get myself done.
Who knows, maybe
some 17-year-old stud
will get the hots for me.
- (laughs) Mom, you
and some young thing.
Let me know how it goes, okay?
- With the salon or the stud?
- The salon.
You know, I met that
Yvonne Wayne the other day.
She seemed a little weird.
- Oh, weird like Bancroft
Hutchenreuter weird,
or weird like body snatchers?
- Well, just don't
let them turn you into
a sex maniac or anything, okay?
- Oh, and I thought it
was the widows like me
who were supposed
to be the prudes.
- I don't know, it just
seems a little whacko.
- Afraid of the
competition, are you?
- We don't do legs.
- Then what's the beef?
- Well, I don't get it.
I mean, why bring this kind
of business to Daneport?
People in big cities and Europe
get that kind of treatment.
Holy shit.
- What?
- W-Wayne's D-dip-i-di-di--
- Depilation.
- Right.
- Yeah.
A full page ad?
What's gotten into
Frank, anyway?
He's never taken out a
full page ad in his life.
- Where is he, anyway?
Has anyone seen him?
Wayne's Waxing Salon announces
its opening giveaway,
one free body wax with this ad.
Do away with pesky body
hair for six months.
(sighing)
Be more attractive
to the opposite sex.
Swim faster.
Experience love making
as it should be.
Smooth and hairless.
- [Matt] Then what's the beef?
- It's good for six months.
I mean, if it's
good for six months,
how can they stay in business?
- Wait for the tuna fleet?
- Or an outbreak of puberty.
Thinking about getting
a wax done, Matt?
- Me?
Never.
Car, maybe.
(rock music)
- [Woman] Oh, oh,
this is lovely.
(chuckling)
(bell tolls)
- [Girl] See?
Told you it wasn't haunted.
- But my Uncle Hernando
said it was a place of evil.
- [Girl] Well, your Uncle
Hernando's been at sea too long.
(needle scratching)
(woman screams)
- I love--
(gasping)
- Frank.
- The feel of silk on bare skin.
- You do?
- Got any silk jock socks?
- Uh, jock?
- Something roomy.
- Roomy.
Like a studio, or
like a mansion?
That was a joke.
Um.
No, no, uh no jock,
silk or otherwise, none.
I hardly even recognized him.
He looked like a wax apple
having a bad hair day.
- He has undergone rejuvenation
at the hot wax palace.
- [Sharon] Well, what
all did they do to him?
- Made him a man.
- Really?
Ew (laughs).
Well, you went there.
What was it like?
(Mom chuckles)
Mom?
Mom, are you okay?
The salon.
What was it like?
- Why do you ask?
- Oh, come on.
A salon in Daneport.
A place like that reminds me of
a beauty parlor for dogs.
You take in a shaggy
mutt, you come out with
a clipped pooch with
a bow on its hip
and one on its head smelling
like a French whore house.
And what all did they do to you?
Did they do the whole like
body massage and makeup deal?
- They get rid of all
that pesky body hair.
It was the most liberating
experience of my life.
God, I need a man!
- Ain't that the truth.
Got tons of stuff
that needs to be
taken care of around
here, and Mick,
getting him to help out
is next to impossible.
(Mom screams)
What?
- All that hair!
Why don't you do something?
- I'm shaving it.
- That's not enough!
(crying)
- Mom?
Mom!
(orchestral music hit)
(knife chopping)
- Yeah, you're pretty
handy with that knife.
- Amazing.
- It is my profession, you know.
Being amazing.
- Hey babe.
You okay?
- Babe.
(jazzy music)
- Man, that's gotta hurt.
- Not if you know
what you're doing.
(screams)
What's the matter?
- My mother.
She went into that
new salon today,
and they must have I don't know
given her weird
pills or something.
- It takes women days
to adjust to a new do.
- Oh, okay, Micky.
Well, how does that
explain Frank Miller, huh?
He's gone weird too.
- Let's eat.
- All right.
(soft rock music)
- [Sven] Okay, so one,
two, three, four, there.
- [Mick] My turn?
- [Sven] Yeah, it's your turn.
- [Mick] (laughs) Double purple.
- You've been getting
lucky all night.
- I'm just good.
(clattering outside)
- No Mick, you're over here.
- No, I'm right there.
- Mick, you're over here.
No, you're over here.
- All right, you're right.
(loud clattering outside)
Raccoons?
- Who knows.
Come on.
- You guys.
Guys!
(door clicking)
(sighing)
(tense music)
(grunting)
- [Man] Fore!
(upbeat orchestral music)
(needle scratching)
(tense music)
(thunder crashing)
(both yelling)
- [Man] You must
die, you must die.
Bastard, burn the bastard, burn.
- Gosh, can't we all
just like get alone.
- I think somebody
doesn't like us.
(all yell)
- Jesus, Sharon.
- What the hell is that?
Now that's scary.
- High tech raccoons.
- Elaborate practical joke.
- Hanged in effigy?
You must have really
botched a flattop.
- [Sven] Well, I say we put
our gallows friend to bed.
- Yeah.
- [Man] You must die.
Bastard, burn the
bastard, burn him.
You must die.
You must die, bastard.
(thunder crashing)
(ominous music)
(Yvonne laughs)
- [Yvonne] And you won't
forget to wax my throttle.
(thunder crashing)
(acoustic rock music)
♪ Only for daybreak
♪ Can't catch me
♪ If I can only see
♪ What I you and I would need
♪ Sorry if it hurts
♪ Well, maybe I'll
stay at home ♪
♪ Oh, now the word is out.
- Mmm.
Try telling me again it
was kids who did that.
- Come on.
Who doesn't like barbers?
- Someone with a
gruesome sense of humor.
- Somehow, this doesn't seem
like the time or the place.
- Is that all you think about?
- Yeah.
(grunting)
(ominous music)
- What's going on?
- [Yvonne] This one desperately
needs to be waxed (laughs).
- And eight times a
week just isn't enough.
You know what my doctor said.
- So it's more therapeutic
for you to have sex
than it is to make love
with your girlfriend.
- It's science.
Besides, you always
love it when I--
- Mmm.
- [Yvonne] Watch it.
Come.
- [Martin] Pesky body hair.
- [Yvonne] Watch it.
(slapping)
- [Martin] Ow.
- City Council
official business.
(Mick sighs)
(needle scratching)
(water splashing)
(birds chirping)
(tense synth music)
(man and woman moaning)
- How nice to see you,
Miss Councilwoman.
- Business keeps
going on like this,
you'll have to open branches.
- We're thinking, website.
(woman screams)
Some take the removal
better than others.
(tense music)
- [Sharon] How
unusual, it's so warm.
- This is where we mix
the wax with the other
ingredients to
remove all traces of
pesky body hair.
Yes, there is a special chemical
to soften the skin
and some say it
affects the mind.
- It does?
- It frees you from the
distraction of pesky body hair.
- It does?
- Depilation sets
one free from all the
unpleasant emotions that
we associate with hair.
- It does?
- The ecstasy of being
without pesky body hair
is truly orgasmic.
- It is.
- Beyond your
wildest imagination.
It just keeps going and
going and going and going,
your libido goes wild!
Taking you to places that you
never even dared to dream about.
(laughing)
(rock music)
♪ Ow
♪ We used to be, oh
♪ Superstar girl
- [Sharon] Places we've
never dreamed about?
Like Orlando?
(man yells)
(woman sighs)
(man yells)
(woman screams)
(Yvonne laughs)
♪ She's so crazy
♪ The girl's gone crazy
♪ She's so crazy
(moaning)
(laughing)
♪ Any time, any place
♪ She's got such
peculiar taste ♪
♪ She's so crazy
(needle scratching)
- I thought you guys all
go to sleep afterwards.
- Not me.
You ready for the next round?
- As soon as you are.
What's that smell?
- While you were
in the bathroom I
started heating something.
- Oh yeah, like what?
- It's going to make
it so good for you.
You're never going to
believe it could be so good.
- Oh, yes I will.
- Do you trust me?
- I just fucked you
for three hours.
- Then I really have
something for you.
(chiming music)
- What are you going to do?
- [Man] Gonna rid you
of that pesky body hair.
- Cool!
Oh.
Oh, don't stop now, I
feel lonely and neglected.
- Have to wait til it dries.
- Then hand me my
cigarette, please,
I might as well have
something in my mouth.
(gavel pounding)
(light synth music)
- [Man] Any business?
- [Woman] No.
- Adjourned.
- [Man] Hurry up, Frank.
I need to get laid.
(groaning)
(pop music)
♪ Work that body,
work that body ♪
(man and woman groaning)
♪ Work that body,
work that body ♪
♪ Make sure you
don't hurt nobody ♪
(man and woman groaning)
♪ Make you don't hurt nobody
♪ Work that body,
work that body ♪
♪ Everybody
- Faster, faster.
Faster, faster.
Faster.
Faster.
- You've got to be kidding.
♪ Get on the floor and get up
- [Computer Voice] Welcome
to Yvonne's website.
Please enter password.
- Depilation.
(keyboard clacking)
- [Computer Voice]
Access denied.
- Hmm.
Horny.
(keyboard clacking)
- [Yvonne] Access denied.
- Dammit.
(Yvonne laughs)
You look like you
had a hard night.
- The best.
- You look like
sunburned or something.
- Oh, I feel terrific.
- [Yvonne] Access denied.
- I made love all night.
- Isn't that normal for you?
- Come to think
of it, yes, it is.
(rock music)
♪ You, the eyes of the world
♪ Tell us how long
it will take ♪
♪ We're onto you
♪ We're onto you
♪ You, the voice of the world
♪ Tell us what you need to say
(needle scratching)
("La Bamba")
(singing in foreign language)
- Scratch sleepy cost
town, put catatonic.
- It's like the whole
town's turn into,
I don't know, zombies.
Vampires.
Walking dead.
Republicans.
Ever since they came to town.
That's a strange
group of bikers.
(rock music)
Ooh, I like my nasty body hair.
(rock music)
- Pesky
body hair.
What's that?
- Yew.
- Me?
- Who?
- What?
- It's something the
captains gave me.
- [Radio Announcer]
That was a hit.
I will now play another hit,
though I don't know
why anyone listens
to this mierda.
- Something stinks in this town.
- That's the paper
mill in Eureka.
(farting)
- [Radio Announcer] I myself
am free of such trivialities.
All I need now are
some compliant nubile
hairless 18-year-old girls
to make my life complete.
(singing in foreign language)
- Don't we all.
Did he just say mierda, mara.
- You won't go near that salon.
Promise.
- Oh (scoffs) no.
- I'm not worried about Sven.
I know he won't do
anything foolish.
- Coward that I am.
- [Sharon] But you.
- Hair is my life.
- Keep it that way.
(heavy metal music)
♪ I got it, I got it
♪ I got no hair
♪ Under this hat
♪ And it trace south
♪ Down my back
♪ But I've got to slip away
♪ Slip away
♪ I've got to slip away
♪ From you, baby
♪ I've gotta go
♪ You've gotta go
♪ Ah, and the sun will rise
- More wax, Talbot.
- I'm stirring the hot
tub as fast as I can!
- You are stirring the vat!
- [Yvonne] You're
stirring the cauldron.
♪ Slip away
(cat meows)
(thunder crashing)
♪ Up a tree
♪ You won't follow me
- That is all for today.
We will be back tomorrow at
this time with a new load.
See you then, and
have a nice day.
♪ Slip away
- Busy?
- Mmm.
- Ain't seen nothing like
this since ought six.
(man growling)
(van squeaking)
- Ah.
- What is, what
do you want here?
- This won't hurt
a bit, handsome.
- Get out of here, woman.
- Then you'll be all ours,
free of that pesky body hair.
(grunting)
- [Woman] Don't you want us?
- Are you sick or something?
Perverted?
The wax will set you free.
- Get on out of
here, young women,
or we'll make you
walk the plank.
- We'll make shark bait
out of you, now git.
(gasping)
(captains grumble)
Ain't seen the like of this
since we rode with
Teddy Roosevelt.
- Pershing.
- Roosevelt.
- That was Pershing,
you don't know.
- Goldang it, it was
Roosevelt, you old fool.
- You wouldn't know Roosevelt
if he came up, shook your hand.
- What's up, Ted.
(ominous music)
How's Pilar?
- No more pesky body hair.
- Yeah, well you know,
I try not to meddle
in people's marital
affairs, but,
a little turn-off, huh?
You know, the hair?
(Ted yells)
Hey, hey, hey hey hey,
what's the matter?
Hey, Ted, don't be
afraid, it's me, Mick.
Here, take 14 bucks.
(Ted yells)
Here, come on, take
the $14, come on.
- Get out!
- The money.
- Get out!
Go away!
- Ted.
- You will become
unbelievably horny.
Look at Pilar, 180
pounds of bucking bronco.
- Unbelievably?
- Get out!
- Horny?
(thunder crashes)
(ominous music)
(door creaking)
(fingers snapping)
Ah!
- We've been expecting
you, Mr. Orion.
- Have you now?
- You seem most interested
in what our little
salon has to offer.
How 'bout a demonstration.
(harp music)
(women moaning and laughing)
(laughing)
(harp music)
- Uh, oh, come on.
Come on, come on.
Dang.
(spring boinging)
Sorry.
(ominous orchestral music)
- Oh, he was so well hung.
Take him to room number four.
- Whoa, whoa, come on, come on.
Come on, no, no, not
room number four.
("La Bamba")
(phone ringing)
- [Mick] Hey, I'm probably out
giving a buzz cut,
so leave a message.
(voicemail beeping)
- Hi, honey, it's me.
I'm feeling a
little, I don't know.
Um, okay so, maybe I've been
a little preoccupied lately
but um, I just
need to feel safer
with all this going on, so um.
Anyway, I've got a
surprise for you.
It's the top of the
line at the shop.
(chuckling)
So um, get here ASAP, okay?
- This is a simple
process of osmosis.
While the wax is bonding
to your pesky body hair,
this chemical is
seeping into your skin,
into your very psyche.
- Yeah well, you see, I'm Irish,
and I really don't want
anything seeping into my psyche.
- (laughs) Once you're
with us, you'll see.
All the barriers are down.
No fear, no hate.
No evulsion, no pesky
bodism sentimentality.
Just pure sensualism.
- Gosh.
- Yes, gosh.
(hissing)
This may sting a little.
(Mick yells)
- Damn it, Mick.
Where are you?
Think, think.
(upbeat jazz music)
(needle scratching)
Yes.
(wind blowing)
(Mick yells)
- Hey, he's taking this
very well, isn't he?
- Yes.
Leave us.
Now you will feel what you
have never felt before.
(Yvonne moans)
Blood.
See how much better
it is without--
- Pesky body hair.
(rattling outside)
(rattling)
- Nothing's going to happen,
dipshit, there's no music.
There's always music when
something's going to happen.
(ominous music)
Oh, jeez.
(thunder crashes)
(phone ringing)
- [Woman] Thank you for calling
9-1-1 emergency services.
We're out of the
office at the moment,
but if it's really,
really urgent,
having to do with
pesky body hair,
please page us at Wayne's
Depilation Palace,
and we hope you have a nice,
hairless, fulfilling day.
- Mick won't answer his phone.
9-1-1's at an orgy.
(suspenseful orchestral music)
(Sharon screams)
- We're here.
- I'll use it.
- I hope you're wearing
nice underwear, Sharon.
- Really now, there's
no need for violence.
Have the treatment.
Be one of us.
- No more hate, no
fear, no jealousy.
- No more teacher's dirty looks.
- You'll discover your
true sensuality within,
beneath all that pesky--
- Body hair.
I always wanted you, you know.
- I'll slice you into
candles, I promise.
- Sounds sensual.
- You can't kill us, Sharon.
We're zombies, hot wax zombies.
We're already dead.
- Ow!
No!
(thunder crashes)
- [Martin] Genetic deviation.
- Ew.
- [Martin] Monsters.
- Ugh.
(Ted screams)
That stuff's dynamite.
(cannon fires)
Yow, help!
Help!
(suspenseful orchestral music)
Mick?
(floor creaks)
Mick.
(tense music)
(Sharon gasps)
(needle scratching)
Mick.
- Hubba hubba.
- Horny, aren't you?
And insistent, too.
- No.
Come on.
- Where?
- In the kitchen.
- The kitchen?
Don't you know what's
happening out there?
We, we, we've gotta run,
we've gotta find Sven, I mean.
Hmm, uh, seems a little
early for mosquitoes, huh?
So you've been hot
waxed, haven't you?
- It's better than
being like you,
a slave to emotions
and pesky body hair.
- So you don't feel
any emotions at all?
- Only one, lust.
Insatiable carnality.
Being free of pesky
body hair has opened up
a whole new world to me.
A world of ultimate sensuality.
- Since when do you
need help getting horny?
- It's for the best,
Sharon, you'll see.
We'll spend the rest
of our lives together
experiencing the
ultimate sensuality.
- You, you're
repeating yourself.
- Oh, it's going to be so
good, you being one of us.
Now relax.
The pain won't last long.
And when it's over
(magical chiming music)
I'll let you be on top.
- Golly, I can hardly wait.
(Sharon yells)
(power drill running)
Always in the right
place at the right time.
Bye bye, darling.
- [Mick] But Sharon, I can help!
No more pesky body hair!
Ever!
- Oh, Sharon.
(grunting)
There's no way out, Sharon.
(knocking on door)
- [Mick] Hey, somebody
mind letting me out?
- You can't stop monsters
created from man's (thumping)
gumption of our ecology.
- Whatever.
We are the undead, join us.
- Never
- Yes, you will.
- Avast, you squab.
Hard about, girly.
Hoist the mainsail.
(thunder crashing)
(loud explosion booming)
- Only your emotions where dead.
And your follicles, Matt.
- Oh, that explains it.
Ow!
- My God.
- That's gotta hurt.
- He looks like he's
got a walrus on him.
- [Obadiah] A walrus?
An albatross, you ol' stubborn--
- No, it ain't a damn albatross.
It's a whale.
Jesus Christ.
- Look at the hair.
Looks like a manatee.
- [Matt] What are you?
- Y-E-W, exactly.
- Smart zombie, by cracky.
- Pacific yew.
Of course, you two
knew all along.
- Best run along, girly,
while we use these
zombies to swab the deck.
- Cleanse the barnacles
and fight the lines.
- Aye.
- Wait a minute, fellas.
I ain't been laid yet.
Freak!
(pounding on door)
- [Mick] Somebody.
Open up.
I'm really horny.
(ominous orchestral music)
(zombie moans)
(Sharon screams)
(zombie groans)
- Carrie, Carrie, you've, wah.
- Hi, Sharon.
- What are you doing?
- I'm going to
Portland to try out for
the U.S. national swim team.
- Oh no, not you too.
I can't let you
spread this contagion.
- What contagion?
- Whatever it is that
makes people zombies.
Ravenous, hairless
horn dog zombies.
U.S. swim team?
- I went to the
nationals as a junior.
I did it all.
I told you I was thinking
of getting back into it.
Well, here's my opportunity.
I guess I didn't react
like they expected.
I went to the pool
and I practiced.
I still have it.
And they were right.
(screaming)
I do swim faster.
- But it d-d-d-didn't turn you
into a sex-crazed zombie or?
- I had no inhibitions to lose.
Except those keeping
from trying out
for the national swim team.
And I'm doing that next week.
- Help me.
I have to stop them.
They'll take this formula,
and they'll do this again
in town after town after
town unless they're stopped.
- Okay.
- I will, I must stop them.
- Okay, whatever.
- I'll watch for
you on Wide World.
- [Carrie] Okay, whatever.
- Carrie.
(sighing)
Well, I guess it's just me
and yew.
(ominous orchestral music)
(thunder crashing)
- Once we corral Congress,
then we'll go after
the closet cross-dressers
on the radical right.
(Sharon grunts)
Congressmen are so kinky.
Not to mention the President.
For say fare (laughs).
- Ow, oh.
Ow.
(grunting)
(rock music)
Hot damn.
It's party time.
- Everyone I kiss or has
cornered over the internet.
Our power will be
limitless (laughs).
We'll be the gods of
ultimate sensualism.
Rulers of the
world, free at last
from that dreaded stubble.
Tight-ass Sharon Talbot
stands between us
and total dominion.
Not a problem.
- A world without hair.
Something has to be done.
- [Critter] Faster,
faster, faster,
get it in, oh, oh!
- Fucking rats.
- Oh baby, oh baby.
Faster, faster,
faster, get it in.
(moaning)
- Is that pesky body
hair keeping you
from living life to the fullest?
If you've answered yes to
any of these questions,
then I'm here to tell
you about something
that will revolutionize
your life forever.
The Wayne WaxOMatic.
Just a pinch in those
hard to reach areas,
and (gasps) you will find that
your appointment book
will fill up in no time.
The Wayne WaxOMatic.
Take it from me, a boon
to women everywhere.
- [Men] And we like it, too.
- Mom.
You're going cable?
(suspenseful orchestral music)
- Martin.
Come.
- [Martin] You calling me dumb?
(suspenseful orchestral music)
- Come on, stupid child safety.
(rock music)
- Get her.
- (laughs) "Get her".
Is that the best you
can come up with?
(Yvonne stammers)
- Seize the frigid interloper.
- That's pretty good.
Whoa!
- This room is a mess.
Somebody go get Marion.
♪ Yeah, there you go
talkin' all of that smack ♪
♪ Thinkin' that you're all
(door slamming)
- Ow, ow!
Mom.
- Radically cool,
isn't it, dear?
- I have to know,
what is the password?
- Orlando?
- Damn, almost.
Ow.
(thunder crashing)
(suspenseful orchestral music)
Shit.
Help!
(Yvonne laughs)
Help!
- Mmm, I love this thing.
(Sharon screams)
(suspenseful music)
(thunder crashing)
(Yvonne tsking)
- Ah, these things
always look better
in the catalogs, don't they?
Still, it shows a marked
lack of self-esteem.
(laughs)
(electricity crackling)
Oh, damn.
(sighing)
I hope you don't mind
waiting while I see to this.
Martin will keep you company.
This better not be those
fucking rats again.
(tense music)
- Can't you help me?
I don't want to wait for
them to come back and
see me like this,
makes me want you now.
- Yvonne told me not to.
- Mmm.
And I want you to do it.
- Yvonne won't let me.
- But I will.
(tender music)
(Sharon breaths heavily)
Not so fast, lover boy (laughs).
I stuff.
That's why they call
it a booby trap.
(spring boings)
- Thank you, thank
you very much.
- This is an outrage!
- No, this
is an outage.
(Yvonne hisses)
Ooh, scary lady.
(electricity crackling)
- How did you do that?
- I don't know.
Same way I know how to do this.
- Oh, what, stop, stop!
Stop, you're making me dizzy.
- All right, you and
Marion, back in the house.
(hoe down music)
(springs boinging)
(groaning)
(suspenseful orchestral music)
Hey, was that you screaming?
- Yeah, didn't you hear me?
- Barely.
I must have wax in my ears.
Uh, your blouse and
your, uh, accoutrements,
it's uh, they're open.
Here.
- Carrie was right.
You are the real guy.
(quiet farting)
To Gold Rock.
- What, now?
(grunting)
- Okay, that's it.
They've had their chance,
we're nailing them!
My cape.
- Oh, I had it cleaned.
What with the wax and the
road grime and everything.
- Let's ride!
(adventurous orchestral music)
- [Sven] Wow, she said
I was the real guy.
I wonder if she
meant it, though.
I mean, you know how women,
they just kind of say things.
Wait, wait a minute,
I mean, I'm real.
And I'm a guy, definitely a guy.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Mick's my best friend.
And Sharon's his gal.
No, I can't do that
to Mick, no way.
No way, I,
yeah I can, yeah I can.
Cool.
I got a girlfriend.
(needle scratches)
(rock music)
(needle scratches)
(adventurous music)
- [Sharon] Sven is the real guy.
Can I do this to Mick?
Yep, I can do that to Mick.
- [Sven] Is that an echo?
Cool.
(singing in foreign language)
- [Sharon] Oh my gosh,
she's right behind us.
- [Sven] A-ooo-ga,
a-ooo-ga, down below!
(Yvonne yells)
- Drive on!
Let's get 'em!
Whoo!
- I think we lost
them a few miles back.
But why here?
(tender music)
Okay, enough about geography.
But your timing.
- Think about it as
making up for lost time.
(motorcycles approaching)
We've got to get to
Freeport before Yvonne.
(singing in foreign language)
(light synth music)
- [Officer] Good evening.
- Uh, good evening,
I'm uh, Sharon Talbot,
City Councilwoman from Daneport,
and this is Sven Jacobsen,
one of our local businessmen.
- I'm impressed.
- [Sharon] Is, is there
a captain on duty?
- Got a problem?
- Listen, I think we need to
talk to the watch captain.
- I'm not good enough,
is that it, huh?
Who do you think you
are, rolling in here,
trying to get past
me to the captain
without any explanation?
Just trying to pull rank, go
over my head, do an end run?
Is that it, Miss City
Fucking Councilwoman?
Big fucking deal.
- Hey, may we see the
watch captain, please?
You don't understand,
this is about zombies.
- Zombies?
- [Sven] Yeah.
- [Officer] Zombies.
- Yeah.
- [Officer] Well yeah, why
didn't you guys just say so.
- He wouldn't believe
it, can you believe it?
- Oh, I can believe it.
I mean, can you believe it?
It's unbelievable.
But I believe it.
- Hmm.
Well, there's one way
to make him believe it.
Believe me.
- What?
- [Sharon] Follow me.
(beeping)
Please, lock all your doors,
bolt all your windows.
A group of hot wax
zombies is coming to town.
- Awesome.
- And if they find you,
you'll be destroyed.
So you gotta start
gathering yew.
You got it?
You gotta make your
yew turn on them.
What am I saying?
(motorcycles revving)
They're here, they're here!
Look out for the zombies!
(rock music)
- Oh, jeez.
All those years of
therapy shot to shit.
- So.
- [Yvonne] So.
- It's you.
- It's you.
- Evidently.
- You can't escape, you know.
- I won't surrender.
- Good, I like a challenge.
- You want to take
over the world.
- I said I like challenges.
- I won't let you.
- (laughs) You can't stop me.
- Maybe not.
(laughing)
But I can try.
I know what you are.
You've learned the
nearly forgotten secret
of formula H-73,
the chemical developed during
the Spanish-American War
to demoralize the enemy by
causing increased hair loss,
and increased lima
bean crop yields.
But it had a side effect.
It turned people into
unfeeling sex crazed zombies.
Well, it won't work,
because there's more to life
than sex and pleasure
and smooth skin.
There's love and
honor and shaving.
- You think so?
(laughing)
Well, we'll see.
You might like even sleeping
with your stud Mick.
I do.
- Uh-oh.
- You won't any more.
(both yelling)
(upbeat rock music)
♪ Whoa
- [Sharon] Ow.
(grunting)
♪ Woke up this morning
with an ache in my head ♪
♪ Got a little crazy
♪ Now I'm feelin' half dead
♪ Drinkin' last night
didn't make it go away ♪
♪ Should have the same
if I make it today ♪
♪ I just can't wait till
it makes me numb again ♪
♪ When I go back and then
♪ She's my only friend
♪ Whoa
♪ Same old me
♪ It's the same old remedy
♪ Whoa
- Let her go!
- Not yet, I'm almost there.
- Let her go, or
I'll let you have it!
- What?
That zombie's dangerous.
- All God's creatures
have a right to life.
- What makes you think
I'm God's creature?
- Don't quibble.
Now you, you zombie.
You get out of here.
Get out of town.
Never come here again.
(fingers snapping)
- Next time!
- Count on it!
Whew.
Do you know what you've
unleashed on the world?
The terror, the horror?
- We mustn't raise our
hands against one another.
We must learn to live
in peace and harmony.
- See what I gotta
work with here, man?
- Lovely, just lovely.
Wait'll they rip
your eyebrows off.
- They never hurt those
that are one with nature.
- Uh-huh, okay.
- Remember, respect one another.
- Yeah.
- Whoa.
- Peace at last.
(thunder crashing)
(upbeat rock music)
- [Obadiah] Hard about.
- Hard about to
port, goldang it.
(truck crashing)
I told you hard about to port.
- She don't steer like
a ship, you old grunion.
- And you don't
steer like a captain,
you miserable pool of squid ink.
- How was I supposed to
know she'd pitch and yaw
like a derelict, you rum head?
(grumbling)
(suspenseful orchestral music)
- [Sven] Sharon look,
that's the captains' truck.
- [Sharon] It's a total wreck.
Look at all that yew.
- [Sven] Who, me?
- [Sharon] Don't start with me.
- (laughs) Oh, that's
one load that won't get
to that tight-ass Sharon Talbot.
(zombies growling)
- I will not sleep
until these, these--
- Zombies.
- Are laid--
- They'd like that.
- To rest.
Are you with me?
- Me?
A barber?
Need you ask?
- You know what this
means, don't you?
We'll never be able
to sleep soundly,
never be able to trust anyone.
Always on the run,
always on the lookout.
Never a home or a
life of our own.
- You mean, we're
going to Los Angeles?
- It'll be a totally
different way of life.
- And we can charge it.
- All right!
(both cheering)
(upbeat music)
- [Sven] Wow, Beverly Hills.
- [Sharon] Land of
silicone and liposuction.
A perfect hideout for Yvonne.
- [Sven] Whoa, that guy
just missed me by a hair.
- [Sharon] Look out,
Sven, these people
are hairless and brainless.
- [Both] Beverly Hills.
- [Sven] Sharon, slow down.
Look, that trolley's
out of control.
- [Sharon] My God.
- [Driver] Ahh, no brakes!
- God Teddy, your
legs are so smooth.
Did you get them,
you know, done?
- Chez Yvonne on Rodeo.
Everybody gets done there.
It has opened up
a whole new world
of friction free ecstasy
for me, you know.
- [Man] Towels, ladies?
- Oh, life is
finally worth living,
without all that
pesky body hair.
- What's that address again?
(water splashing)
(elevator music)
(rock music)
(adventurous orchestral music)
(elevator music)
- Excuse me, the
garden is outside.
- We're not here
for hedge trimming.
(electricity crackling)
Ladies and gentlemen,
this salon is closed.
- [All] Closed?
- Do you know the contagion
that this waxing process
is wreaking on the country?
You may not have to shave your
legs for six months, sure,
but the cost is incalculable.
- First time is free.
- Your first time
is well beyond free.
You lose all
feeling, all emotion.
You become obsessed with
satiating your deepest desires
at the cost of your fellow man.
- And that might be all
right for you people
here in Beverly Hills, but
not for the rest of America.
(cannon fires)
And on top of all that, you
lose your desire to shop.
(customers clamoring)
(cannon fires)
(coughing)
Mom, Mom, are you okay?
- Stop with the
dust, Sharon, jeez.
Oh, how could I
have been so blind?
- Oh Mom.
Mom, listen to me.
Go home now, leave.
If you, if you listen to us,
we can help you, set you free.
- It was kind of
fun dear, but now,
stubble.
- Just leave this all behind,
it's a bad dream, that's all.
- It did have its
compensations, though.
- Mom!
- Oh, oh.
- [Critter] Oh God,
that feels so good.
- Rats.
- [Critter] Oh baby, oh
baby, faster, faster, faster,
get it in, oh, oh.
(woman screams)
Oh baby.
Get it in, oh, oh.
(light jazz music)
- Hey babe.
Ooh.
- Remember, the real
Mick died months ago.
- Only his follicles.
- Remember the
good times we had?
- Remember how they ended.
- They can come again.
You and me and some
recreational underwear.
It's all possible.
- Bet me.
(cannon fires)
(upbeat music)
(Mick screams)
Let's bet.
- What about Yvonne?
- My God, Sharon!
You saved me.
I mean, til now, I was
just a stud, right?
How can I thank you?
- You putz!
I told you not to go to
the old Augusta house,
and off you go,
two-timing me with some
artificially maintained
motorcycle mama.
- I couldn't help it.
It's my hormones.
(grunting)
- How's that for hormones?
- You were pretty hard on him.
- Zombie or no zombie,
wax or no wax,
nobody two-times me.
- I'll remember that.
- Yes, so will I (laughs).
So, you've been busy, I see.
- Extremism in the
battle to rid the world
of your infestation is no vice.
- Oh, my my my, even you
hairy ones can wax poetic.
- You ain't seen
nothing yet, lady.
Ciao, Yvonne.
(cannon fires)
- Again.
(electricity crackles)
Again.
(electricity crackles)
- Running a little short
of your precious shavings?
Take them.
Now what was that, ciao?
(laughs)
(cannon fires)
(bluegrass music)
- Dusted them
zombies, by cracky.
- A-yup, shaving grace.
I told you I caught
the breath of
an evil wind in this town.
- If it ain't them
zombies, it's barnacles.
Ain't no speed rake
gonna loosen 'em up
when they're that tight
on a feller's ass.
- Explains why these
folks walk so damn funny.
- A-yuh.
- (laughs) Nice try, Talbot.
But as usual, you didn't
make it to the climax.
(laughs)
(upbeat rock music)
- [Driver] No brakes!
- [Woman] You've been saying
that since San Francisco!
(trolley crashing)
(wheel squeaking)
- Feels so strangely
unsatisfied.
- It's the anti-climax,
that's all.
- I'll uh, meet you back
in Daneport, Sharon?
- Perhaps, Mick.
Now go on, get going before
I wax you a bald spot.
How long,
how long til people
listen to us,
til they understand
there's no sin in shaving,
til they realize the danger?
- As long as it takes, I guess,
until they realize
it's no sin to see a barber.
(ambulance siren approaching)
- I'm telling you, there's
no one under there.
There's this cape,
and this gooey, waxy stuff.
You sure there was a
rider on this bike?
I mean, maybe the bike
was just parked here.
I mean, she ain't here
now, unless she was
made out of wax or something.
(engine revving)
(Yvonne laughs)
("Hot Wax Zombies on Wheels")
♪ We're wheelin' our
bikes everywhere ♪
♪ Comin' to wax off your hair
♪ So you all better beware
♪ 'Cause we're hot wax zombies
♪ We're almost there
♪ We're the hot wax
zombies on wheels ♪
♪ Hot wax zombies on wheels
♪ Hot wax zombies on wheels
♪ Hot wax zombies on wheels
(laughing)
(adventurous orchestral music)
(police siren wailing)
(needle scratching)
(men laughing)
(calm orchestral music)
(needle scratches)
(rock music)
- Again, again.
- (laughs) Running a
little short on shavings.
- Maybe.
- [Yvonne] Pity.
- [Director] Cut.
Aw, shit.
(bluegrass music)
(grunting)
- [Radio Announcer]
That was a hit.
I will now play another
hit, though I don't know
why anybody listens
to this mierda.
- Where is everybody?
Don't they want
to get rid of that
pesky body hair forever.
- Damn it.
(blower whirs)
Thanks, Sven.
(crew laughs)
That ought to keep the couches
of Beverly Hills shrinks
warms for years after this.
(suspenseful orchestral music)
- [Man] All I need now
are some compliant,
nubile hairless 18-year-old
girls to make my life complete.