Hot Tub Time Machine (2010) - full transcript

(TURN UP THE RADIO PLAYING)

MAN: (SINGING) Turn it up!

Turn up the radio

I need the music
Give me some more

NICK: Come on, Boots,
you have three minutes left.

You can do this.
You came to me,
remember?

It's not about losing weight.
It's about
a lifestyle change.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(BARKING)

Nick, you have a customer.

Like we practiced.



Right away, Terry.

'Sup, dawg?

Oh. Ha! Funny.

It's the name
of the store.

What can I do
for you, man?

Bono has been doing
this for three days.

(MOANING)

It's fucking
disgusting.

Bring him up here.

Bono, Bono, come.

Bono, up!

Don't yell at him
like that.

Okay. Okay. Cool.
You're gonna...

I might just look...



(WHIMPERS)

Do I know you?

I know you.

You're the singer
from Chocolate Lipstick.

You guys used to play
at the Jam Shack
on Friday nights.

Damn!
You remember that?

You were so good.
Yeah.

Oh, my God,
you still singing?

Nah. That was
a long time ago.

Wow! What are you
doing now?

You get shit
out of dogs' asses.

That's great.

You own a BMW?

Yeah, can you tell?

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

Good boy.

(ON ANSWERING MACHINE)
Adam, it's Lou.
Don't hang up, okay?

It's not about money.
It's about making money.

You and me, buddy.

LILY: Hi, it's me.

So,
I did everything according
to your stupid fucking plan.

I took everything
with the yellow stickers

and I left you
everything with
the red stickers.

There was some
stuff in your closet
with no stickers,

so I threw that
in a pile and burned it
in the backyard.

(LILY CHUCKLING)

Seemed like
the right thing to do.

And thank you for claiming
that empty plastic bottle.

I was prepared to
fight you on that one.

Anyway, I left you
something on the counter.

It's from the heart.

(ADAM SIGHS)

Oh, and one last thing.
Um...

The TV had
a red sticker on it,
but I took it anyway.

(CHOKING)

Bye.

JACOB: Just keeping
my head down.

Not getting shivved today.
Let's knock these reps out.
Mmm! Mmm!

Turn on a light, Jake.
Open a window.

Go outdoors.
Jesus Christ!

Why don't you
get out of the house
this weekend, huh?

What should I do
out of the house,
Uncle Adam?

I don't know. Anything
that corresponds with
reality.

Apply for a job.
Maybe try to go
to college.

I don't know.
That all sounds
kind of overrated.

You don't like it,
you can move back
in with your mom.

No, I can't actually.
She moved in with
her new boyfriend.

I will not be
anywhere near that.

She moved in with him?

Yeah, the taxidermist.

The taxidermist is
stuffing my mother.

Ugh! Kelly.

She's your sister.
You should call her
once in a while. Check in.

Well, maybe she
should check in with me.
Ever think of that?

JACOB: Yeah.
That's interesting.

Listen,
I've got a big court date
in a few minutes.

If I miss it,
I'm kind of screwed.
Why do you waste your time

with that
Second Life bullshit?

Look at you,
you're still in jail.
You were in jail last week.

Yeah. I'm a prisoner.
It's called
"doing hard time."

Can't you be like
a warrior or a shaman

or an Orc
or some shit
like that?

No, no. In life,
you make choices,

and if you screw up
you have to pay
for those choices.

You're 20 years old,
you haven't made an important
choice in your life.

What are you mad about?
What is this?

I don't know if you noticed,
but Lily moved out.

Is that what all
the shuffling was?

Uh-huh.

What did you do?

I didn't do anything.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING
ON CAR RADIO)

(TIRES SQUEALING)

(HOME SWEET HOME PLAYING)

No fucking way!

(SINGING)
You know I'm a dreamer

But my heart's of gold

I had to run away high

So I wouldn't come home low
Just when things went...

...song
And you'll never
be left all alone

(ENGINE REVVING)

I'm on my way

Home sweet home

Tonight, tonight
I'm on my way

Home sweet home

MALE NARRATOR: (ON TV)
Even among the gentle
prairie squirrels,

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

The mate-less male
is subjected to
a humiliating ritual.

Hello.

What?

Fuck!

NICK: Hey. Adam.

What's happening, man?
Hey.

You all right?

Hi, Courtney.
Hey, how you doing?

Nice to see you.
You, too.

Yeah.
Not here.

Long time.

Yeah. You know...

Work's been crazy and...

I know.
I called a couple of times.

Yeah. Yeah.

Very, very busy.

You think this is
a real situation

or just one of his
bullshit episodes?

I don't know.

You never know with Lou.

Well, hey, Adam,
how's your girlfriend?

Oh, really bad.

Okay.

Happy times.

Hi, folks.
I'm Dr. Jeff.
Lou's resting.

He's denying that it
was a suicide attempt
and medically he's stable,

so legally we can't
keep him here.

But we do think that
he should be monitored
for a few days.

Does he have any family?

Lou's family all
kind of hate him.

Okay.
Well, then I guess it's up
to you guys, his friends.

You are his friends, right?

It's like that friend
who's the asshole.

But he's our asshole,
you know?

Right.

Yeah.

WOMAN: (ON PA)
Dr. Jefferies to radiology.

(WHISPERING) Lou.
Why would he do this?

Why? I mean,
make a list.

He's an alcoholic,
he's divorced.

Wife ran off with
that Jamaican guy.

He's failed at
every jive-ass money
hustle he's ever tried.

ADAM: He's in
a mountain of debt.

NICK:
He hates his mother.

He hates himself.
He hates everybody.

He has erectile
dysfunction.

He's got halitosis.

He's got
that runt ball.

Huh.

He said one of his balls
was shriveled up...

Oh, yeah.

...like a spoiled grape.

Wasn't it that
quarterback on the Bears

who had his ball crushed
on the field. Right?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Right, right.
'82? Yeah, yeah.

He came back
from that, though.

Strong as ever.

Fuck yeah.

But I don't know about Lou.

It's just like...
No.

(SIGHS) It's just like
an accumulation
of punishment.

Fuck you guys.

Oh!
Hey!

There he is. Hey.

I can fucking hear everything
you're saying, all right?

Look who's awake.
What's up, man?

Hey.
Hey, man.

What's up?

You look just
like my friend Nick.

And you look
like my friend Adam.

But you wouldn't be
those guys because

I've been calling
and calling them,

and they haven't
returned my calls.

So, listen, Violator.

Me and Nick
got a little surprise
for you.

Something special
that the three of us
can do.

Come on. You guys.

ADAM:
Are you curious?
No!

I didn't fucking try
and kill myself.

If I wanted to kill myself,
I'd fucking kill myself.

I'd be awesome at it.

A shotgun to the dick.

I'm glad you didn't do it.

It's good to see
you guys, anyway.

So, just out of curiosity,
what's the surprise?

Tell him.

Ko-di-ak...

...Valley.

No fucking way!

NICK: Yes, sir.
ADAM: Yeah.

Fucking K-Vals?
Holy shit!

Yes, sir. Bang!

We fucking ski, right?
We fucking rage.

Chimney Point
at the end of the night

with a bottle of scotch
to wash it all down. Oh!

And you guys are paying
for the whole thing?

Sure.
Yep.

Let's go tonight.

We go tomorrow.

Let's go now.
Let's go now.

I just got to
get rid of this thing.
It's really uncomfortable.

You should wait
for the nurse
or something.

(GRUNTING)
I got it. I got it.

Hold on, Lou.
No, no, no, no.

Let somebody
do that for you.

(GRUNTING)

(EXCLAIMING)

Oh, shit.
God.

Did I get that on you?

Yes, you did.
Damn it!

It's only pee.
Relax, it's only pee.

There's Lou.

JACOB: Good,
he's drinking already.

Look at this shit.

Do you remember when I was 12
and he tried to bite me?

Yeah, but he...
You had that coming.

Hey, Violator.
NICK: Lou.

What the fuck
is he doing here?

It's nice to
see you, too, Lou.

(IN MOCKING TONE)
"Nice to see you, too, Lou."
Fuck you, Jacob.

You suck and you know it.

You just ruined
my fucking weekend.

Hey, Lily will come back.
Trust me.

No, she won't.
LOU: No, she won't.

No, she won't.
No, she won't.

She basically
thinks I'm an asshole,
you know?

Like
a completely self-absorbed,
delusional...

She's got a point.
...narcissistic.

Fuck you.
LOU: You're better off.

Take my word for it.
Look at me.

Fuck wives, man.
Fuck kids.

Lock it down
or they will take
everything from you.

God damn it!
Who the fuck are
you texting with?

Just a friend of mine.

Male or fucking female?

For your information,
I've had
a lot of girlfriends.

Hot ones.

You have had
lots of boyfriends.
Gay ones.

(LAUGHING)

Hey, hey, hey,
check this out.

I brought a regulation bar
for tubbing tonight.

ADAM: Nice.

I've got vodka,
fucking Tequilles O'Neals.

You guys
are gonna love this.
Check this out.

Chernobly.

It's like
the Russian Red Bull.

It's got shit in it
that's not even legal here.

Like what shit?

How the fuck am I
supposed to know, dude?

But it's illegal.

Hey, why didn't we
just go to Pinnacle?

It would have taken,
like, half the time.

You wanna go
to Kodiak Valley,
trust me.

You're at
the right age for it.

Really?

Yeah. Nobody gets carded
and everybody gets laid.

MEN: (CHANTING)
K-Val! K-Val! K-Val!
K-Val! K-Val! K-Val!

Oh, shit! K-Val!

(ALL WHOOPING)

This? This is
the coolest town ever?

LOU: Fuck!
That used to be
Papa Enzo's.

I broke up with
Jenny Stedmeyer there.

What made you break
up with her, again?

I don't know.
We swapped virginities
junior year.

All we did was
listen to records
and have sex.

And she was epic,
I mean she was...
She was epic.

Yeah, man.
She was hot.

And then when I
broke up with her,
she was so mad,

she practically
stabbed me in the eye
with a fork.

Actually, she did stab me
in the eye with a fork.

She was a one-percenter, man.

Yeah.

All downhill from there.

That was a big one.
First love.

The one that got away.

MEN: The great white buffalo.

Yeah.
Yeah.

The great what?

BOTH: (WHISPERING)
Great white buffalo.

Why are you guys
whispering?

BOTH: (WHISPERING)
Great white buffalo.

That was really helpful,
you guys. Thank you.

JACOB: Look at this place.

I'm gonna make
a prediction right now.

One of us is gonna
start writing a novel,

and then we all
get snowed in,

and then Lou's gonna
ax murder all of us.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

NICK: Motherfuck.

What's that smell?

Fucking cats.

(MEOWING)

JACOB:
Kind of a lot of cats.
This sucks.

MAN: Hi.
Hi.

You got a reservation

(CLEARING THROAT)
For Webber-Agnew?

Sorry.
What was that
name again?

Webber-Agnew.
Webber and Agnew.

I got a "Nick Webber-Agnew."

I'm sorry, excuse me. What?
What did you just say?

Webber-Agnew?

Webber-fucking-Agnew?

You took your
wife's last name?
You're a fucking hyphenate?

A lot of dudes
are doing it.
It's progressive.

No. No dudes
are doing it.

You look like
a progressive guy.
Is that progressive?

Would you do that? No.
No.

And he has a goatee.

(BELL RINGS)

(CART CREAKING)

LOU: Does this guy
seem a little
imbalanced to you?

NICK: No. Come on.

JACOB: He's right there.
Shut up.

Let me give you
a hand with that.

Hey!

I am not going
to tell you again!

I can handle it.

LOU: This guy's
a fucking dick.

NICK: Shh. He's disabled.
JACOB: He can hear you.

So what? He's exempt from
common fucking courtesy

'cause he can't start
a round of applause?

(DOORS CREAKING)

He's gotta jerk
off one-handed?

I mean, I certainly
don't take my hands

and I put them together
and oil them up...

Hey, 420.
Our old room.
Check it out.

NICK: That's okay man.
Oh! Those are mine.

I'll just get those.

This is the part
where you tip the guy
that helped you out.

(LAUGHING)
I'm not the guy that...

Nick, pay the man
something.

I got it.
Don't worry.

ADAM: This place
looks like shit!

NICK: What happened
to that guy?

Check this shit out.
It's still there.

Adam sucks cocks 'n' dicks.

ADAM: It's your best work.

Fucking burned you.

Burned!

Hey, guys,
come take a look at this.

We got a hot tub.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

NICK: Sweet Jesus!
ADAM: Poor little fella.

This is obviously
unacceptable, right?

We call downstairs,
get somebody to fix this?

Is anybody else hungry?

A little school spirit
this time, huh?

We're in, man.
Just play it like
you fucking mean it.

Like that.
Yeah.

Yes,
I would like to get a hooker
to fuck me and my friends.

What? Adam,
I'm not doing that.

Whatever, semantics.

I want an escort
to escort our penises
into her vagina.

I want the girl
in the picture, too.

No tomfoolery.
Wake her up,
I don't care.

Will you listen to him?

Does she do four?

What about three?

Okay. Jacob,
you're out.
Okay. Good.

I need $3,000.

I'm not in.
I'm married.

Adam, I need $2,000.
Me and you, buddy.
Come on.

I'm out there, Violator.

Can I call you back, sir?

Okay. Thank you. Bye.
Sir?

Let's do something fun.
Let's create a memory, huh?

Let's get some cocaine
and break into a school.

Or steal a cop car
or some shit, huh?

Do you have Ritalin?
No.

Don't fucking lie to me.
Every one of you people
have Ritalin.

No, I don't.

I'm sorry.
You probably do
have Ritalin.

I have some Ativan,
but it's different.

Let's stick it
up our asses.
ADAM: Just give it to him.

No. It's not
a suppository.

It doesn't matter.
You crush it, you put it
in a warm paper towel,

run it under warm
some water and you stick it
right up your ass. That works.

You put the paper towel
up your ass, too?

LOU: You crush up the...
Hey, I got an idea,

why don't we
just play quarters?
LOU: What?

I don't know what
the fuck I'm gonna do.
I'm getting really sad.

You know what
I'm talking about?

I'm gonna go to
the bathroom and be alone
with my own thoughts.

Who knows what's
gonna happen up there.

Who knows
what's gonna happen.

You better plan
something fun.

(SLAMS PHONE)

Jesus!

Pussies.
I'm going dancing.

I don't know, man.
Maybe coming here
was a bad idea.

Yeah.
If he kills himself,
can we go home?

Hard to believe
this is the very room

we had some of
the best weekends
of our lives.

Really?
In this room right here?

How?

We were young.
We had momentum.
We were winning.

We were best friends.

What do you mean,
"were" best friends?

You know what I mean, man.
Everybody seemed to care more.

Everything seemed
to matter more back then.

Whatever.

LOU: Check it out.
They must have fixed it.

Come on!

How's the water, Violator?
LOU: Oh, man.

You guys gotta get in here.
It's gonna
fucking change you.

Wait, why are you naked?

JACOB:
You're all getting naked?

Yep.

You don't think
it's a little weird,

a bunch of guys
just piling up

in a big bathtub
together, naked?

LOU: Are you afraid
that some of these
people might see you?

I'm sorry.
If I'm being honest,

I'm not totally
comfortable being around
a bunch of other naked dudes.

It's called
male bonding, okay?

Haven't you even
seen Wild Hogs?

Fine, get us some snacks.

You know what? Fuck it.

(ALL HUMMING)

I'm leaving
my underwear on.

Yeah. Yeah.
Very nice.
Shut up!

(ALL CHEERING)

Damn, it's good to be here
with you all again, man.

It's good to be back
here with you guys.
Yep.

I want to toast
to the good times.

And you, too, young blood.
Come on in, here.

ALL: Yeah!

(LOUDER THAN A BOMB PLAYING)

MAN: (SINGING)
This style seems wild

Wait before you treat me
like a stepchild

Let me tell you why
they got me on file

'Cause I give you
what you lack

Come right and exact
I stand accused of doing harm

'Cause I'm louder than a bomb

Come on
Come on, louder

Come on
Come on

ADAM: Go, Violator!
I'm gonna throw up.

ADAM: Snap out of it!
Out the tub!
Out the tub!

I'm good.
I'm good.
I'm good.

I am a rock hard trooper
To the bone, the bone,
the bone

Full grown
Consider me stone

Once again and
I say it for you to know

The troop is always ready
I yell "Geronimo"

Your CIA,
you see I ain't kiddin'

Both King and X
They got rid of both

(LAUGHING)

And not the braggin'
or boastin' and plus

It ain't no secret why
they're tappin' my phone

Although I can't
keep it a secret

So I decided to kick it, yo

And yes it weighs a ton

I say it once again

Tappin' my phone
They never leave me alone

(YELLING)

'Cause I'm louder than a bomb

Hey, little buddy.

(ADAM SHUSHING)

Dude.

Where did the squirrel go?

LOU: Yeah. Yeah!

This is the
black diamond?
Shit.

Terrifying.
That's all
you got?

NICK: I don't remember this.
ADAM: What do you
think, boys?

Tips down.

Tips fucking down,
right away.

Let's ride.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

I feel 19 again!

What is that?

Stop it, Lou.

(IN MOCKING TONE)
Stop it, Lou!

Whoo!

Coming through!

You goddamn kids!

Slow down!
Hey!

Yard sale, bitches!

(ALL GRUNTING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(ALL GROANING)

NICK: Fuck!

We dead.

Are you guys alive?
Holy fuck.

By all counts we should be
pretty fucked up
right now, but I...

I kind of feel great.

I feel crazy right now.

I feel fantastic!

I wanna fuck something!

(ECHOING)

There they are.

I see it, Chaz. Thanks.

(ALL WHOOPING)

What is that
one plank thing
that guy's got?

I don't care.
It's going up his ass.

NICK: Way to go, rookie!

Wow! Nice.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa...

Those are
the kind of ski shenanigans
I don't allow on my mountain.

CHAZ: Yeah. Come on, guys.

What are you
looking at, Nancy?

No. I mean...

JACOB: Hey, look,
it's the douche bag
from Karate Kid III.

(MUTTERS)
I know that guy.

Hey, guys.

Is there some kind
of weird retro thing
going on this weekend?

Can't get any bars.

Morty!
Yeah, it's Chuck.

You're never gonna
believe where I'm
calling you from, man.

I'm on a mountain
on my phone! Yeah.

Yeah, well, a bet's a bet.
I want my $2.

I'm telling you,
something weird
is going on.

DAVID BOWIE: (ON TV)
Demand your MTV.

I want my MTV.

(THE SAFETY DANCE PLAYING)

MAN: (SINGING) S-A-F-E-T-Y

Safe, dance!

I love your hair.

I have a question.

...can still
tell me that's true.

But the facts
and the evidence
tell me it is...

(VOICES DISTORTING)

Dude is rocking
a cassette player.

Just relax.
I'm sure there's
a reasonable explanation

for all this shit.
Don't fucking
tell me to relax.

I said relax
for a minute.

Leg warmers?

Jheri curl?

"Where's the beef?"

Excuse me, miss,
what color is
Michael Jackson?

Black.

(SCREAMING)

JACOB: Hold on! Sorry.
Excuse me. Sorry.

Nick, come on, man!
Nick! Nick!

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

NICK: Who the fuck is that?

That's probably
Ashton Kolchak right now

telling us we've been
punked or whatever.

Okay.
Come on. Come on.

Hey. Hey, guys.
I've got your luggage.

He's got both arms.
Get him!

(ALL YELLING)

What?
JACOB: Check his arm.

Are you raping?
Wait! Hold on!
Are we raping him?

Nobody's raping anybody!

Where's your missing arm,
motherfucker?

Hey! God!
That's my arm!

NICK: It's fake!
It's real!

It's got freckles on it
and shit!

Do I really got to be
the asshole that says

we got in this thing
and went back in time?

It must be some kind of
hot tub time machine.

Wow, my old stuff.

Look at this
shit, man.

You have a bong?

I did.

"Eddie Lives."
This shirt got me so
much fucking pussy.

NICK: You wanna see
what got a lot of pussy?

JACOB:
What's the tape recorder for?

ADAM: Recording tape.
I gotta take a piss.

This jacket
right here, baby.
Holy fuck!

JACOB: What are you,
Hunter S. Thompson?

ADAM: I thought I was.
JACOB: Is that coke?

NICK: What the fuck
you think it is?
Baby powder?

JACOB:
Wait. How is
this happening?

Can we talk about this
for a minute?

Holy fuck! Winterfest '86.
We were here, man.

Guys.
ADAM: We are here.

What if we run
into ourselves?

Guys!

We see
ourselves and we blow up
and explode or some shit.

LOU: Get in here!

Didn't you all
fucking see Timecop?

God damn it!
Get the fuck in
here right now!

Nobody wants to see
your giant shit, Lou.

ADAM: What, man?

Yeah, we're not gonna
run into ourselves.

We are ourselves.

Why are we in
our young bodies and you
in your regular body?

I don't know.

Shouldn't you
be invisible?

Or swimming around
some guy's ball sack?

I know.
Because you guys exist
here and I don't.

Hey, why are you
flickering?

What?
What? What?
Who flickered?

He did.
He's flickering.

I need you to touch
my arm or something

to see if I'm
still real, okay?

Just see if you can put
your hand through me.

(EXCLAIMS)

Okay.

That's good.

I'm physically still here.
That's good, I think.

You look like Kid 'N Play.

That's actually two people.

ADAM:
I knew this trip
was a bad idea.

Every time I
hang out with you, man,
it's some kind of shit storm.

I got guilted into
coming on this trip

and now I'm back
in the fucking '80s.

And I hate this decade!

Maybe it's your
fucking fault!

You're a fucking
insurance salesman,
you're practically the devil.

Guys! This is
scientifically possible.

Oh, my God.
Okay, Professor Hawking,
tell me in your robot voice

how this is
scientifically possible.

All right,
I write Stargate fan fiction,

so I think I know
what I'm talking
about right now.

I seriously
almost passed out,
you're such a dork.

Okay. The tub is
obviously some kind
of energy vortex, right?

Like a black hole.

But, instead of
being in space,

it's in a hot tub.

Time is not linear,
we just perceive it
that way!

What?
(YELLS)
Like The Terminator!

It's cyclical, right?

The machines send
Schwarzenegger back
to kill Sarah Connor

so that John Connor
could never be born.

But if John Connor
don't send Michael Biehn
back to protect her,

then they never fuck,
and John Connor ain't born
in the first place!

It checks out.
Yeah, that's pretty good.

Wait, wait,
check the fucking drawer.
See if the carving's there.

Check the fucking drawer.

ADAM: Fuck!

It's gone.

(SIGHING)

This shit is real.

The carving you
made 20 years ago,

about me sucking
cocks and dicks,

it's not there.
Wait.

Is "cocks" still there?

Nothing.
I mean, it's not there.

What about "dicks"?

Neither "cocks,"
nor "dicks," nor "sucks."

Oh, God!

That's it.
We stuck in
the fucking '80s!

How am I supposed
to get a job?

I'm so scared.

(EXCLAIMS)

Looks like you
burned out your...

Heck, you fried
your timing crossover.

Would you mind
putting that down, sir,

that coal shovel,
before somebody gets hurt?

Did somebody call you?

Excuse me one minute.

(FARTS)

Who ever calls us?

(LAUGHING)

And who answers
when the call comes
from within? Huh?

I thought
maybe I could pull the part
from one of the other tubs.

But it turns out this is
a very special model
that you have here.

You've got to be
very careful, I tell you.

One little thing is changed,
the whole system
can go haywire.

Do you understand
what I'm saying?

The whole system
can go haywire

if you change
one little thing.

Wait a minute.
We need that to
get back in time?

Well, you're back here.

I mean,
I can tell you've all been
to Kodiak Valley before.

I haven't.
Maybe not her,

but I know that
you were here.

You know what's
going on here,
don't you, old man?

Yes, I do.

Your tub is on the fritz.
It'd behoove you to fix it.

(HOT TUB STARTING UP)

What?

It's working.

NICK: Damn.
I think it's still broke.

Shit.

JACOB: Where'd he go?

That motherfucker's
in on it, man.

What was all that
cryptic shit he was saying

about not changing
one little thing?

I know exactly what he meant.
He was talking about
the butterfly effect.

That was
a great fucking movie.

One little change
has a ripple effect

and it affects
everything else.

Like, a butterfly
floats its wings

and Tokyo explodes,
or there's a tsunami in,
like, somewhere.

Dude, yes, exactly.
Or you step on a bug

and the fucking
Internet's never invented.

Then you have
to talk to girls
with your mouth.

Yeah. I was more
concerned about bigger
consequences,

like me not being born.

Oh, yeah.
No, I don't care
about that.

The point is,
what did we do
20 years ago?

Let's figure it
out right now.

We gotta do
the exact same thing.

I had that gig.
That's right.

You got up on stage
and you were wildly
mediocre.

And that led to
nothing of a career.

Okay, first of all,
fuck you, motherfucker!

I could have had a career,
but I got married
and I went a different way.

Which way is that?
The way that sucked?

Didn't you also
bang that groupie?

What was her name?
Tara.

You banged her.
You got to
go do that again.

I did do that.
But, fuck, no,
I'm married!

I can't go around
banging girls in hot tubs.

Nick, it's 1986.
You can't cheat on someone
you don't know yet.

You haven't
even met Courtney.

Lucifer,
itinerary please.

Uh... Nothing
really happened.

I actually
fucked a chick, too.
So I'll just do that.

I seem to remember
you getting your ass whooped.

(LAUGHING)

ADAM: Oh, yeah.
NICK: That's right.

That ski patrol dude
pummeled you
like it was his job.

Yeah, no.
I don't remember it
that way.

I do.

Yeah. He fucked you up.
You cried and peed.

Fuck this, man!
This is fucking bullshit!

Would you just
think of somebody other
than yourself, man?

There's four of us.

It's the fucking '80s, guys!

Let's do what we wanna do.
Free love!

JACOB: That's
the '60s, dipshit.

No, we had, like,
Reagan and AIDS.

Let's get the fuck
out of here, okay?

Do the right thing, Violator.

God damn it!
This is fucking bullshit!

Tonight's the night
you broke up
with Jenny Stedmeyer.

Shit.
LOU: Yeah, you got stabbed

in the fucking
eyeball tonight!

Hey, man,
do you want backup?

I can't,
the butterflies
won't let me.

JENNY: Yo, Adam?
You guys in there?
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Oh, shit.

There you are. Hey!

How come you guys
didn't meet us at
the chair lift this morning?

You were going to
show me some moves.

Hi, baby.
I missed you.

I must have forgot.

Perv. That's from Mandy.

Hey, new guy.
What's up?
Hey.

So we're in 214.
I'm gonna go get ready.

Okay.
Meet me in
my room, okay?

Okay.
Okay.

Love the PJs, Nick.
You look hot.

Poison's tonight.

Wow!

I don't remember her
being that fucking beautiful.

And tight.
She's so tight.

She's really
fucking tight!

She's the great
white buffalo, man.

Great white buffalo.
Great white buffalo.

Don't start that.

Great white buffalo.
Great white buffalo.

Why did I ever
break up with her?

Why would I
break up with her?

JACOB: Doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter.

'Cause you have to
do it again. Right?

Right, right, right.

JACOB: All right. We're
all gonna meet back here.

Hopefully that hot tub's fixed
and we can get the fuck out
of here.

Okay, let's party
like it's 1986.

All right. On three?

One, two, three...
One, two, three...

Hot tub time machine!
Wait...

What are we...
What's the...

Who said,
"Hot tub time machine?"

We didn't tell you
about the new thing,
with our hands?

No.
On three, we always...

From now on,
we're gonna say,
"Hot tub time machine."

I told you, I think
that's fucking stupid.

You were in
the bathroom.

No, but this is a real
bonding event for us.

This doesn't happen
all the time.

Come on.
I'm telling you, it's stupid.

Do it once.
Do what you want to do.

It would have been
3-to-1 anyway.

ALL: One, two, three...

...hot tub time machine!

It felt good. Admit it.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey!

Let's get
this party started!

Who is carrying
me home tonight?

Mom?

Sweet fucking Lord.

Kelly.

Hey, bro, Nicholas.

Hey, girl.

Who's the geek?

He's your son.

(LAUGHING)

That's not appropriate.

JACOB: I'm sun...
Sunshine.

Sunshine.

'Cause I'm here to
brighten your day.

That's Jacob.
Your...

He's totally cool.

He doesn't look cool.

He's not that cool.
Hey, Kelly.

Lou Dorchen. Yeah...

You don't remember this?

I don't remember
everything.

What the fuck, man?
This is freaking me
the fuck out.

You freak out every time
you leave the basement.

All right, kiddies,
get your snow boots on

because tonight
there is gonna be
a blizzard.

Really? It looked
pretty clear out.

Anybody wanna go
for a little sleigh ride?

You can't do cocaine!
It's so unhealthy for you.

Kelly, in public?

Whatever.

I'm gonna go to a party
at the ski patrol house,

I'm gonna find
a sexy instructor

and I'm gonna wax
his fucking pole.

Later, homos.
Don't drink my
fucking drink.

Ugh!

Hey, Adam?

What she means
is that she works at
the ski rental place, right?

And that's her job,
is cleaning the poles.

I could be off, but I think
it's in reference
to blowing a dude.

Thank you, Nick.
But that's...
You don't need to...

Or fucking a dude.
Because the wax,

it can be
interpreted
either way.

She was a free spirit,
you know?

Or maybe she's the pole
and there's two dudes
that she's waxing.

Let's just
get it done, man.
Come on.

Hey, Lou.
What?

Did my mom, like,
sleep with
a bunch of dudes?

I don't know.
Shut up.

But she seems
kind of slutty,
right?

Does she seem
that way to you?

It's just, she never
told me who my dad is.

It could be any
one of these guys.

'Cause I was born, like,
nine months from now.

Yeah?
So what does
that mean?

It means do the math,
dipshit.

I could have been
conceived this weekend.

Oh, shit.
Check this out.

That's that fucking bellhop.
I hate that guy.

This must be where
he loses the arm!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Shit!
PHIL: Thank you!

I think
we should tell him.
This is gruesome.

Don't you dare
fucking tell him.

You'll screw
the time thing up.

(YELLING)

(CROWD GASPING)

(SAW WHIRRING)

Yeah!

(ALL CHEERING)

Yes!

What the fuck?

Yeah!

Boo! We just got
fucking robbed.

What are you
talking about?

He's great, man.
Come on!

(WHISPERS) Jenny.

Jenny?

JENNY:
I'm in the bathroom.
Come in.

What do you think?

Oh, my God.

What? Do I look fat?

No. You look
really beautiful.

(SIGHING)

Aw! Thank you.

How about me,
do I look different?

Do I look kind of older?

No.

You look cute, though.

God, I can't stop
thinking about last night.

It was like frigging hot.

It was?
What did we do?
I don't remember.

You lasted,
like, 10 minutes.

(CHUCKLES) Oh!

Good, good.

And I was good.

I think I came. I think.
I can't even tell you
what it was like.

I got some vague
recollection of that.

Wanna maybe just sit
and talk for a minute?

"Talk."

Well, I mean, you know,
it's just so good
to see you again.

It's not you. It's me.

(EXCLAIMS)

Lamp.

You know what,
I think we should
go to Poison now.

You're weird today.

I know.
You are funny.

Let me just get dressed.

Okay.

Wow!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, man!

This is trippy.

What's up?

Man, I can't even remember
the last time I saw you guys.

Yesterday.

Oh, yeah. Yesterday.

Yep.

It's not cheating.
It's not cheating.
It's 1986.

You don't even
know Courtney yet.

You know, it's okay
if you're scared, Lou.

I'm not scared, idiot.
I'm fucking pissed.

I have a full head of hair
and a functioning penis,

and I'm looking for
some guy to drill me
in the fucking jaw.

(SIGHS) We're not gonna
find him here, anyway.

I don't even remember
what he looks like.

Walk much, faggot?
Sorry.

What? No, don't touch me.
The fuck, you're sorry.

You scuffed up my Jordans.

You wanna go for it?
Come on, take a shot, pussy.
Wanna party?

(ECHOING)
Wanna be a hero?

And here it comes.

Yeah, you gonna cry?
You gonna cry, titty baby?

You gonna fucking cry?
Look at him he's crying.

Your fucking bag
is mine now.

Is that it?

No.

No, I yell back at him

and I challenge
him to a rematch
at midnight saying,

"You bring your friends
and I'll bring mine."

And my friends
don't fucking show up.

So I get pummeled
by six guys instead of one.

All right, fantastic.
Let's do this.

Lou, come on.
You have to.

Hey, Blaine.

Is that all you got?
Pussy.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

NICK: Oh, God. Yeah.

I'll never go back.
I'll never go back.

(SOBBING)

Are you crying?

No.

It's the water
splashing my face
from all the fucking.

Okay, good.

Because I thought
you were crying,
and I was like...

Yeah!

I'm sorry, Courtney.

It's Tara.
Courtney!

Tara. Tara.

Courtney! Courtney!

No, seriously,
my name is Tara.

No, my wife, my wife.

You're married?

No, I'm not married.
Not now, anyway.

I will be.
She's nine right now.

Can I tell you something
that I haven't told anybody?

She cheated on me.

I found a e-mail.

And now every time
I look at her,

all I can see is
her getting rammed by

some faceless dude
with a better body
and a bigger dick.

Truth of it is, I can't even
bring myself to say anything

because I just love
her so fucking much.

I don't even know if I can
live without her cheating ass.

Hey, what's an e-mail?

That's not the point!

JACOB: Seems like you
might've took one defensive
swing against him.

I mean, honestly,
what the fuck, man?
That was...

I don't know how you've
lived with yourself
all these years.

It was pathetic.

It was pathetic.
You couldn't have kicked
him from the ground?

What happened?

Uh...

This is a crazy story.
I got hit by a truck.

Yeah, yeah.

Trying to save a baby deer,
if you can believe that.

Oh, my God!

Is there anything
that I can do?
Are you okay?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, my God.
No, I'm fine.
This is nothing.

You know what? Come with me.
I'm gonna take care of you.

And bring your friend.

No, we can't.

We'd love to,
but we can't.
We can, we can.

We should probably
go check on that deer,
actually.

No, we can go.
We can go.

(TALK DIRTY TO ME PLAYING)
(PEOPLE CHEERING)

(SINGING)
I know you cannot wait

Wait to see me, too

Oh, my God!

This is like
the best song ever!

Maybe not ever.

(WHOOPING)

At the drive-in

God, he's so hot!

In the old man's Ford

Behind the bushes

Can I get 3,000 beers?

Until I'm screaming for more

Down the basement

MAN: Who's next?
Who's next for the beer luge?

This guy!
This guy's next!
He wants it so bad.

You can do it, man.

He wants it.

(ALL CLAMORING)

CROWD: (CHANTING)
Luge! Luge! Luge!
Luge! Luge! Luge!

(CROWD CHEERS)

That was so lame.
That wasn't, like,
even violent a little bit.

Who are you,
and why did you
do that to me?

Why? Because you looked
like you needed a luge.

I'm Adam.
I'm April.

How are you doing?

All right.

What brings you here?

Hot tub.

Huh.

You?
Poison.

Right.
That band. Poison.

I'm a journalist.
I'm covering the band
for Spin magazine.

You don't really look
like you're the type.

The Poison type?
God, no. I'm not.
I'm really not.

I basically just
got onto this bus

and it took me here,
to goddamn Winterfest.

JENNY: Adam!

Whoo!

You know what?
I can't talk to you.

You can't?

But I'm awesome.
I can guarantee that.

I'm sure.
You see, I have to walk
in the exact same footsteps.

This didn't happen.

Well, it kind of
happened.

I wish it did.

I just saw it happen.
It really didn't.

Yeah. No, I contributed.

I wish it did.

All right.

See you.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

I brought you some ice.
It'll make you feel better.

Let's see that.

Feel better?

That ice does
make me feel better.

(CLEARING THROAT)

(COUGHS)
Butterflies.

Hey, you know what?
I just remembered
I gotta meet a guy.

No, no. Wait.

(LAUGHING)

No, you can't go.

'Cause guess what?

What?

I only do two at a time.

What do you mean?

What do I mean?

There those are.

LOU:
Yeah, let's do this.

Him first? Okay.

It's your thing.
I don't wanna
tell you what to do.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hold on,
I gotta get the phone.

Hello? Mom?

What?

I wanna know what
the doctor said.

Lou? Lou,
we can't do this.

Yes, we can.

No, this didn't happen.

We can't do this.
Yes, we can.

This didn't
happen in the past.
Yes, it did. Shut up.

This did not fucking
happen in the past.

You shut the fuck up,
please.

We're gonna make,
like, Hitler president
or something.

We can't do this.

Look, can you be
fucking normal?
Please?

Every young man's fantasy
is to have a three-way.

Not with another
fucking guy.
It's still a three-way.

What about the policy
of the butterfly effect?

The butterfly effect
can suck my nuts!

Look, we're gonna have sex
with this girl, okay?

You, me, together.

Enough of this queer shit.
Let's get the mood right.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC
PLAYING ON TAPE)

All right.
Look, right there.

What?

You don't wanna
seem overzealous
with a full-on rager.

You don't want
to insult the woman,
either.

You're gonna
wanna get at least
a half-a-chub going, right?

Look at me.
No.

Look at that.
No.

Look at how, like,
perfect that is.

I'm not gonna
fucking look.

Look, look. Here.

What the fuck, man?

I'm out of here.
Come on, Jake,

I was just
getting you started.
Don't care!

Guys do that.

No one does that!
(DOOR SLAMS)

Hey. Onesies?

Sorry.

Okay, cool.
I'm out of here.

(EXCLAIMING)

Hey.

How did it go
with Jenny?

(JENNY WHOOPING)

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Whoo!
Why aren't you dancing?

Whoa! What's your name?

That's Jacob.
That's Jenny.

What the fuck
are you doing?

You're supposed to
break up with her!
I know.

No, no, no.
Just check it out, okay?

Maybe she's
the key to something.

And I messed it up
when I broke up
with her before,

and now the universe
is giving me
another crack at it.

And if you thought
you could really start over

and do something
totally different,

you wouldn't
even consider it?

You're absolutely right.

You think so? Really?

No. Fuck, no!

Come on!

What do you mean,
you didn't do it?

I'm getting to it.

No, we were supposed to do
everything that we did.

That's what I remember.

Yeah, Adam,
what the fuck, man?

You were supposed
to fucking dump her.

You think I
liked getting my ass fucked
up and down the entire street?

Because I didn't.
It's not that I'm
not gonna do it,

I just haven't done it yet.
There's a big difference.

Look at my face, dude.

Look at my fucking face!
Drink me in.

You think
I wouldn't have liked
to have changed this?

Shut the fuck up, Lou.
You tried to rope me
into a three-way.

What?
Did you?

No.
Yes.

Lou! Did you?

I didn't fuck that girl.
Okay?

Because I'm committed
to not changing the past.

Right.
It had nothing
to do with her

wanting to be
a Chinese finger trap.

And I'm not saying that
because she was Asian.

So you're telling me
I cheated on my wife
for no reason.

(IMITATING BABY CRYING)

ADAM: Just relax, okay?

I'm gonna do it.
I just haven't done it yet!

You're unbelievable.

Hey, Nick,
can I ask you a question?
Yes.

Does this seem like
it's all about Adam again?

Yeah, just like
Cincinnati.

What?
You gonna bring that up?

We said we weren't gonna talk
about Cincinnati ever, okay?

Is this why you have
that shoebox in your closet
that says "Cincinnati"?

Yeah.

What?
That's fucking admissible!

You keep it
in the closet?

What was
I supposed to do with it?
You can't bury those things.

And you wrote
"Cincinnati" on it?

How do I know which one
it's supposed to be?

Is it a fetus?

My friends
are ridiculous.

Why are we still
talking about this?

Okay, we said
we would never
talk about that.

By the way, where does
it say in the fucking
friendship handbook

that you are the only one
who is allowed
any fucking problems?

I forgot that it says
in the asshole handbook

that you can just
fuck over your friends
whenever you want!

Actually, it would say that
in the asshole handbook

if it was, like,
guidelines for being
an asshole,

that's what it would say.
NICK: Why wouldn't
it say that

in the asshole handbook?
Yeah, it would say

to fuck your friends.
"Fuck over your friends."

No, no, no.
JACOB:
Have you ever read a book?

You're right.
I'm sorry, my bad.
You guys are right.

But if you're changing
the fucking past, okay,

then I'm changing
the fucking past,
all right?

No! Lou!

Okay! We're in the game!
I like this.

I didn't change anything yet,
I just didn't do it.

And if we're
changing shit,

you better
be there at midnight
to get my fucking back.

Done.
ADAM: I'll be there.

JACOB:
Guys! Guys! Come on, man.
Talk to me about this!

LOU: Fuck off.
Fuck!

I'll be back in a minute.
Where are you going?

I gotta go.
I'm getting out of here.

No, no, Adam,
listen to me, please.

Jenny Stedmeyer is not
your fucking destiny, okay?

She's just some girl.

Some girl you dated
in high school, okay?

I know!
I just got some
emotions coming up.

I got some feelings
that I got to deal with.

I'm gonna do it.
I believe in you.
You're awesome.

You know what? That's fine.
Everybody just take off!

I don't need to be born.

I'll just go find
the repairman myself
and fix the time machine.

That's the dumbest thing
I've said in a while.

(BUZZING)

You made the best
decision of your life,

choosing me as
your friend over Adam.

NICK: I'm pretty sure
that's not
what's going on here.

LOU: Don't be afraid.
I'm gonna treat you right.

Daddy's gonna
take care of you.
PHIL: Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa!

Here we go. It's like
a slow-motion guillotine.

(GRUNTING)

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
What the F-ing fuck?

(EXHALES)

LOU: Here we go.
Here we go. Round two.

(GRUNTING)

Should we help him?

No. No.
This is his destiny.

(BOTH YELLING)

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Fuck you!

Did it happen?
No.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

If that guy doesn't
lose his arm soon,

I'm gonna fucking
take it from him myself.

Man!

Blaine!

Come on down, man.
Have a brewski with us.

There's a party.

BLAINE: "No foreign army
has ever occupied
American soil.

"Until now."

Watching Red Dawn again,
or...

Wolverines!

They're Ruskies.

And these are
their secret
Commie weapons.

What are you
talking about?

Look at this stuff, man.

They could be
spies or something.

I don't know, Blaine.
I mean, they seem
a little young

to be spies, you know.

Come on, Chaz.

They could be
some kind of
21 Jump Street

spy battalion-type dudes.

Yeah. Yeah.
Or not at all, you know?
There's also that.

What the fuck is this?

ADAM: There's
something I wanna talk
to you about.

It's something
I'm supposed to do
but I don't wanna do.

You know why?
Okay, Adam. But...

Because I was thinking
about how good
we are together, right?

Don't you think?
I really think so.
Okay.

And I was talking
about the future
and I was thinking about,

well, my future is
this way and maybe
it could be this way.

I know I'm rambling now.
God, you're so beautiful.

But we got along
so great and...

What is that?

It's a note
I wrote to you.
You should read it.

Right now? Okay.
Yeah.

"Dear Adam,
you're a super-terrific guy
and I love you.

Aw!

"And that's why
this is so hard for me.

"You're one of the most
amazing people that I've
ever met. I can't..."

Are you breaking up with me?
That's what this...
This is a break-up note?

I'm sorry, Adam.

All these years!
You stabbed me in the eye
with a fucking fork

and you were gonna
break up with me anyway?

Is that what
you're saying to me?

I did what?

Why are you
breaking up with me?
That's not how this works.

You're such a great guy
and you're gonna
find the right girl,

but it's not me.

And everybody
knows what a big deal
you're gonna be some day.

No, I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not anybody.

Adam, okay.
It's not you, it's me.

I say that to you.
You don't say that to me.

That's not how this works.

Do you know
what happens to you
if we don't go back?

You end up with
Billy Lavatino.

I like him.

You may like him,
but then you end up pregnant
with, like, trucker hips,

and you have a baby
with Billy Lavatino,

and you're addicted
to Weight Watchers,
you little bitch.

What did you
just call me?
Take this fucking back!

Don't you... Jesus!

(CROWD GASPING)

(GROANING)

I don't get fat!

MAN: Gross!

If we're changing shit,
we gotta be taking
advantage of shit.

No.
Mulligan.

No mulligan.
Come on!

You had, like,
five mulligans.
Dude.

I'm not talking
about bad stuff,
either, okay?

I'm just talking
about good stuff.

Like keeping
Manimal on the air,
you know?

Or preventing
Miley Cyrus.

Preventing her
from what?

Just preventing her.

MALE ANNOUNCER: (ON TV)
And there's the catch!
First down!

(ALL CHEERING)

Oh, shit!

I know this game.

Yeah?

Yeah. This is
the Denver-Cleveland
playoff game.

This is
the fucking Drive, man.

Yeah?

I know what
we're gonna do.

(I JUST DIED IN YOUR ARMS
PLAYING)

Adam, hey.
You're back.
Awesome.

What's going on here?
Where are the guys?

What's this?
Read it.

"Dear Adam, you are
a super-terrific
guy and I love you,

"which is why
this is so hard for me.
I cherish our friendship."

(LAUGHS)

She broke up with you?

And you still
fucking got stabbed
in the eye?

Leave me alone.
Get out of here.

What are you doing here?
You writing poetry?

Just leave me alone
and get out of here. No.

You're writing
fucking break-up poetry.

All right, I'm writing
break-up poetry, okay?

Because my heart hurts.

She stabbed me in
my heart and my eye.

Holy shit, you're wasted.

Look, I've had
like two wine kills,
Captain Buzzcooler.

God.
You're fucked up.

"Jenny's eyes,
like a gypsy's lies
Cut right through the night

"Now those eyes
are another guy's
And I'm alone with my pain"

That was clean.

Are you shitting
me with this, Adam?

Look, you can
recite it straight

or to the tune of
Sweet Child O' Mine.

It doesn't matter.

Are these mushrooms?
Did you eat
these mushrooms, Adam?

I like to eat them,
you know?
A couple of them.

Holy fuck, man,
you gotta stay straight!

You gotta help me
get the guys back!
Just relax.

You know,
it's not always about
my emotional journey.

It could be about yours.
Put the coke down!

God damn it,
you little fucker!
Give it to me!

Don't you fucking get it?
I'm not gonna
be fucking born!

(EXPLOSION)

How much worse
can it get?

What? The '80s?

New part shorted
out another part.

I hope we can get
that thing
working before dawn.

Wait, wait, hold on,

is that when
the time portal closes,
at dawn?

That's when
the party's over.

Fuck you, man. Listen.

I am at
my wit's end with him,
so you gotta level with me.

Are you the mystical
time-travel guide-guy or not?

Don't you put
your hands on me,
young lady!

I'm just trying
to do my job, here.

Fuck, hold on.
Quit eating mushrooms, man!

I wanna have a few more.

What the fuck
is happening to me?
I can't...

Dawn.

(THUNDER CRASHING)

Hey, Adam.

All right, so anyway,
the repairman's
doing his thing.

I'm gonna go
find Nick and Lou,

and you stay right here.
Okay?

I'm gonna stay.

You got it,
but you can't leave.

I can't move,
because I'm broken.

Man, you and my mom
are so fucked.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Hungry.

Evening.

You've got two arms.

But you're not going to.
You're gonna lose one.

What?

You're gonna
lose that arm.

(LAUGHING)
You're one of those
joker guys.

Right. Right.

I don't care if
you put that arm
in a steel fucking vault,

that arm's coming off!

You're gonna
lose your arm.

You're gonna
lose your arm!

I'm gonna rape you.
I'm gonna rape you!

I'm gonna rape you.
I'm gonna rape you.

Have a great night.
Okay.

MALE ANNOUNCER: (ON TV)
...to the end zone.
Touchdown Cleveland!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

LOU: Pay up, suckers!
Pay up!

How does he do it?
How is he right
all the time?

Let me ask you
something, McFly.

How you getting so lucky?

I know the fucking future,
douche bag.

Really? One more bet.

Ricky, come on.
You said one more
and then you'd be done.

I also said to
shut the fuck up.
Remember that?

Okay, I love you.
Shut the fuck up.

By the way,
I love your coat.

I don't give a shit
about animals, either,
so...

One more bet.
High stakes.

All right. All right.
Bring it on, Spader.

Bring it on, Jo-Jo.

I bet Elway throws
a touchdown pass

with 37 seconds
left on the clock.

Fat chance, asshole.
Elway's done nothing
all day.

Well then,
in the spirit of high stakes,
let's make it interesting.

Let's make it
interesting.

If I win,
your wife gives me
a blowjob.

RICKY: Really?

A classy one.

Hey, screw you, kid.
Hey, okay,

and if you win,
name your price.

Touchdown pass at
37 seconds, exactly?

LOU: Exactly.

Fine.

You lose,
I take all your winnings.

Done.

And you give your
buddy a blowjob.

What? Hell, no.

Wow!

Deal.
Deal?

Well done.
I like your style.
I like your style.

He's very creative.

I don't like you
taking liberties
with my dick.

Relax, okay?

We know the fucking future.
We can't lose.

Hey. Hey, there.
What are you doing?

Hi.
Hey.

Okay, how's the view
from down there?

(SIGHS)

It's nice.

Adam, right?

Yeah.

Why are you
bleeding in the snow?

That? No, I...

I got stabbed
in the face
with a fork.

I saw it coming
and I avoided it.
I mean, I didn't avoid it.

It just happened again to me
in a slightly different way.

Boy, I really wish
I knew what the fuck
you were talking about.

All the choices
we make in our life,
they're pointless.

There's no escaping
the inevitable.

I don't know, man.

So, you're saying
that your whole entire life
is predetermined to suck,

no matter what you do?

It's not the way
I want it, but...

Kind of seems like
a really, really good excuse

to do something
totally amazing
right now, tonight.

Like what?

Like perhaps
hang out with a girl
that you just met

before her bus
has to leave
in two hours?

Right-o.

I thought you said
we were going to
get some food.

We are.
We're about to
get some food.

I'm pretty hungry,
actually.

Damn it.
They forgot to
leave the key.

Who did?

Carol and Stan Stapleton.
They're my friends.
They live here,

and I housesit for them
when they go to Nepal,
sometimes.

I thought you said
you came in here on a bus.

They usually do leave,
like, a side door open.

They do?
So let me...
I'll be right back.

Okay.

(GLASS SHATTERING)

APRIL:
Yep, it's unlocked.

Cheers.

So which one's Carol?

Carol's on the left.

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Elway's last stand.
45 seconds left on the clock.

I'm really good
at getting head.
You'll see.

Elway takes the snap.
Go, baby.

He fades back. Elway fires.
He's got Jackson open.

He's impossibly open!

Wait, what's this? Vermin?

No, no, no!
I know this squirrel.

That's a magic
fucking squirrel.
This doesn't count.

He's distracted
by a wild squirrel!

LOU: What the fuck?

Incomplete!
Game's over!
Cleveland wins!

The Dawg Pound is going
to the Super Bowl.

Oh, yeah!

I've never seen
anything like it!

He did it. Got to go!

Congratulations.
Look at all that money.

I was kidding about
the blowjob thing.
Obviously, we're comedians.

Hey, guys. Guys.

A bet's a bet.

Motherfucker!

APRIL:
So you're a Time Lord?

ADAM: Mmm-hmm.

And a Jacuzzi is
your spaceship?

That is correct, madam.

That's the only part
of this whole thing

that doesn't
make sense to me.

You're not the only one.
Believe me.

I mean, the whole thing
is just totally insane.

Ew!

So, how's the future
working out for you?

I mean,
are you like
a happy grownup?

Not particularly, no.

Yeah.

My friends actually
think I ended up being

a completely selfish,
fucked-up person.

And they may
have a point, actually,
if I think about it.

Hmm...

I'll tell you something
I haven't told somebody
for a long time.

When I was a kid,

every Friday night,
my father used to take
my sister Kelly and me

to this place
called Flatirons
for steak sandwiches.

It was a family tradition.

That's sometimes
a good thing.

But one year,
we saw this commercial

for this place called
The Enchanted
Forest of Pizza.

So the next Friday,
my dad's loading
us up into the car.

We're like, "Daddy, we want
to go to The Enchanted
Forest of Pizza."

And he's like,
"What are you talking about?

"We always go for
steak sandwiches."

But we just stay at him

and we're whining,
and we're badgering,
and finally he relents.

Nice. So, you win.

You deviated from the plan
in a really big way.
That's good.

33 people died of E. Coli.

Including my father.

Before he died,
he looked at me
and he said,

"Adam, you did this."

No, he didn't.

Yes, he did,

with his eyes.

I don't think that
that's what he meant
with his eyes.

The point is that Kelly and I
dealt with the guilt of this
in very different ways.

She went wild, right?

She didn't want
to have control
over anything.

But I vowed
to master the chaos,

to impose order.
Adam, I really don't think

that you can
let a poison pizza ruin
the rest of your life.

You got to
embrace the chaos.
You have to.

That way,
life might just
astonish you.

MAN 1:
I had so much fun tonight.
MAN 2: I know!

Fuck! Game on.

MAN 2:
You look so hot, by the way.
MAN 1: Thanks.

I said,
start sucking, gaylord.

Yeah! Suck!

MAN: Suck that shit, man!

ALL: (CHANTING)
Suck! Suck! Suck!
Suck! Suck! Suck!

Who are you people?

God, who are you people?

Let's get on with this.
My fondue's getting cold.

MAN:
Choke on that horn, man!

(GROANING)

Oh!

Wow, good for you.

I know, right?

It's like Gary Coleman's
fucking forearm.

It's so black!

It's so impossibly black.

I love you, buddy.
Don't say that!

I'm sorry, I do.

No, no, no!

(CROWD CONTINUES CHANTING)

Hey, you.

Maybe what you need
isn't in here, after all.

Maybe what you need
has always been in here.

Really?
No.

The tub?
Is it fixed yet?

Can be. Ready to go?

Wait, go where?

To the room, check it out.
I've got the part right here.

Yeah. Yeah, let's go.

Let's go.
Right.

Where did he go?
Who?

This fucking guy.

Nicholas.

Nicky. Nicholas.

Hey! There he is!

What?
What the fuck?

What? What?

(SCREAMING)

What, do I still
have some on my face?

Oh, God!

Damn!

Did you have
pineapple today?

I can't go home.
What the fuck?

I'm fucking with you, dude.

It's hand soap.

Oh, my God. Relax.

It's like you haven't
seen a little come

on your friend's face before,
or something.

NICK: What the fuck is
wrong with you, man?

LOU: I'm just kidding.
It's what friends do. God!

You didn't?

Gargle your hog?
No, man.

After they
pulled you off of me,
me and Rick talked it out.

He's actually
a pretty cool guy.

We have a lot in common.
We both love
tits and Mötley Crüe.

It's cool?

Yeah, I just told
him a bunch of shit

that's gonna make
him rich in the future.

I saved
the good stuff for us.

Let's go to the bar,
plan our empire.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Fucking iPods, you know?
Fucking Prius.

Match. Com. Anything. Com.
Fucking Internet. Com!

Fucking Zac Efron.
Nobody invented him yet.

What about Twitter?
Whatever the fuck that is.

Hey, we could
combine Twitter
with fucking Viagra.

Twitt-agra.

What's the matter, dude?
Come on.

I'm sorry, man.
I'm just preoccupied.

You just kind of down
about being black and
out of shape?

What the fuck is
wrong with you? No.

Because you look good,
you know?

This is a great time
for black people.

I mean our time,
not this time.

This is a terrible time
for black people.

I don't see one other
black person in here.

Talk to me, man.

I found out she
fucking cheated.

What? Courtney's
fucking cheating on you?

I gave her my life,
I gave up my passion.

And she's just
out there...

Why the fuck
didn't you say
something, man?

That's just it!
I never see you guys
anymore.

I don't have my music,
I barely have friends.

Without Courtney,

I'm nothing.

You're just fucking
Courtney's bitch right now.

You need to be
your own man,
you know?

"Nick Webber-Agnew"?
What the fuck is that?

It's terrible.
It doesn't work.

No. Nick Webber,
that's who you are.

That's who I was.

Maybe you gotta
find him again.

You know,
she's getting hers,
you go get yours.

I can't, man.

It means something
to me to be married.

You're not fucking married.
It's 1986.

In my heart I am.

Your heart's
a fucking liar.

You know what?
You know what
you got to do?

What?

You gotta get your
ass up on that stage.

You're right.

I'm gonna do it.

Yeah. Do it.

Hey, hey, hey.
Do it fucking
quickly, okay?

You better be at
that fight with me.

Don't leave me
hanging this time.

I won't. I promise.
All right.

Hey, Adam. Fuck.

Guys?

(WATER BUBBLING)

You're good to go.

Holy shit. Really?

Some sort of
sticky liquid got into

the crossover housing,
I don't know.

Must have had some
nitratriminium in it.

It's Chernobly.

Whatever it was,
it ravaged the hell
out of the electronics.

Worked out for you
and the boys, though.

Wait, hold on,
are you saying that

that's the key to
the whole thing?

We need the Chernobly
to get back?

All I'm saying is,
whatever your poison,
I wouldn't tub without it.

Especially after dawn.

It'd kill you
to give me
a straight answer?

You know,
you're kind of a dick.

MAN: Hey, everybody,
you ready to jam?

All right.

Ladies and gentlemen,
help me welcome to the stage

Nick Webber!

Hi.

It's been a long time.

(MOUTHING)

(SINGING) No, I'm never
gonna dance again

Guilty feet
have got no rhythm

(JESSIE'S GIRL PLAYING)

(SINGING) Jessie is a friend

Yeah, I know he's been
a good friend of mine

But lately
something's changed
It ain't hard to define

Jessie's got himself a girl
And I want to make her mine

BLAINE:
These guys are dangerous.
Look at this stuff.

Blaine, it looks
like a skinny soda can.

No, a soda-can bomb!
This stuff's straight
out of Moscow.

Let's go kick
that Commie's ass!

Chaz.

Shouldn't we call the cops
or the FBI or something?

No, we're gonna
handle this internally.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

I wish that I had

Jessie's girl

I wish that I had

Jessie's girl

Yeah

(ALL CHEERING)

This song is from the future,
but since you've been good,

you get it early.

Just like we rehearsed.

(SINGING) Let's get it started

in here

And the bass
keep runnin' runnin'
And runnin' runnin'

And runnin' runnin'
And runnin' runnin'

In this context
There's no disrespect

So when I bust my rhyme
You break your necks

We got five minutes
For us to disconnect

From all intellect
Collect the rhythm effect

So lose your inhibition
Follow your intuition

Free your inner soul
And break away from tradition

'Cause when we beat out
Girl, it's putting heat out

You wouldn't believe
How we wow shit out

Burn it till it's burned out
Turn it till it's turned out

Act up from north,
west, east, south

Everybody, everybody
Let's get into it

Get stupid
Get it started

Get it started
Get it started

Let's get it started
Let's get it started in here

Everybody, everybody
Let's get into it

Get stupid
Get it started

Get it started, get it started
Let's get it started

Hey, where's
the Kodiak Club?

Down the street, dude.

Okay. Okay, thank you.

Listen, me and my boys
got some shit-kicking to do.

But this

(GRUNTING)

Ain't over.

Get out of my way, stool.

Transmit hits
with no delusion

The feeling's irresistible
And that's how we moving

Everybody
Everybody

Let's get into it

That's my boy,
right there.

The singer?
Yeah.

Let's get it started

I'll be back.
My friends are over there.
I'll come right back.

Lose control
Of body and soul

Don't move too fast, people
Just take it slow

I'm caught
right in the middle
of a thing right now,

but can I text you later?

Can you what?
Are you online at all?

I have no idea
what you're saying.

How do I get
a hold of you?

You come find me.

That just sounds

exhausting.

With no delusion
(CLOCK DINGS)

The feeling's irresistible
And that's how we moving

There he is.
Where are your boys?

I thought they were
gonna hold your sack.

Let's kick his ass, Blaine.

Where are my fucking friends?

Whoo-hoo!
Let's get

Whoo-hoo!
In here

Let's get
Whoo-hoo!

While I get
Whoo-hoo!

You like that song?
Yeah, it's great.

It's gonna be a hit.

And runnin' runnin'
And runnin' runnin'

(ALL CHEERING)

Thank you. Thank you.

Yes.

MAN: That was sweet.

ADAM: All right.
All right, man.

Good to have you back,
see you back up there, man.

Hey, it's coming back.
I should have
done this years ago.

Guys. Adam. Guys!
About time.

Did you see him?
Did you see him rock out?

Shut up! Okay, we gotta
find the Chernobly
to get out of here.

Chernobly? Why?

I don't know, exactly.

But the repairman said
it's got nitro-trainium...

Nitratrinanium.
JACOB: Thank you.

Or some shit in it
that'll fix the time machine.

That makes sense.
Where's Lou?

ADAM: Where is...
What time is it?

Fuck! Fuck! Shit! Shit!

(GIRLS CHATTERING)

Lou!

Where is he?
Fuck.

ADAM: Oh, my God!
We missed it again!

Well, where do you think
he went?

Same place as last time?

LOU: (SINGING)
Keeps me together at the seams

I'm on my way

MAN 1: Shut up, you flamer!

I'm on my way

MAN 2: Hey, go home! Loser!

Hey, John Lennon gets shot!

Wait, did that
already happen?

ADAM: Lou!

Whoo!

They made it, everybody!
Whoo!
Best friends in the world!

Almost just in time!

My buddies.

Fucking Chimney Point, right?
Here we are.

Bottle of scotch,
end of the night.

Where were you?

We were just...
We came...

Not tonight.
Every fucking night.

Huh? What happened?
We were gonna do
shit together, man.

We were gonna
conquer the fucking world.
Me and you.

And then you cut me off.

What was I
gonna do, man?

I was gonna let you
drag me down into
your bullshit, Lou?

Yeah. Yes, because
that's what friends do.

No, they don't, man!

Because then
there's two people
stuck in the bullshit

instead of your sorry ass.

You should
stick by your friends
through thick and thin!

Okay, great.
I got two things
to say to you.

Okay.
Okay?

Number one, I hate you.

Got it.

Our friendship
means nothing.

All right,
is that the first thing
or the second thing?

What?
No, clearly that's still
part of the first thing.

I mean, am I the asshole?
Did you get that?

No, I didn't get it.
I thought...
He didn't get it.

He said A and B...

Let's agree to disagree
about the "first" thing.

Lou, where is the Chernobly?
We need it to get back.

(IN MOCKING TONE)
"Where's the Chernobly
at, Lou?"

That's all you ever
fucking care about.

It's the first time
he mentioned it.

Yeah, and even if we had
mentioned it before,

it's kind of
a fucking big deal, okay?
I wanna go home.

NICK: Come on, Lou.
Let's talk about this inside.

You got no shoes on.
It's cold out.

Who took my fucking shoe?

Blaine apparently
beat your shoe
off of you,

which I don't even know how
that could fucking happen.

Okay, fuck it!
Fuck you, fuck you
and fuck you!

ADAM: Easy, man.

JACOB: Whoa, Lou!

(ALL YELLING)

NICK: I got you.

JACOB: Oh, my God!

Is Lou dead?
Shit!

JACOB: There he is.

NICK: I can't hold on.

Yes, you can!

Yes, you can hang on!

I'm slipping.
ADAM: No, hold on.

JACOB: No, Nick.
Hold on. Guys!

(SCREAMING)

JACOB: Phil! Phil!

Oh, fuck!

We're dead!
This is how it happens!
This is how he loses it!

Fuck it!

Fuck it, we're dead men!
Just let me go.

JACOB: Lou, be positive.

LOU: The roof is
scraping my nut!

NICK: Damn, you strong.

(ALL GRUNTING)

All right.

You're all right?
I'm glad you guys
are all right.

My fault.

Why do you do
shit like that?

I'm sorry! Jesus!
Thank you, Phil.

All right,
here's the second
fucking thing, okay?

Blaine's got the Chernobly.

Let's just get it from him,
so we can
get back to the present

so I can start never seeing
you bitches again.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Hey.

I was looking for you.
Where'd you go?

I had to go...
My friend got in trouble,
but I had to...

I'm leaving right now.

You're leaving right now?

Yeah.
That's not good.

I told you,
I had two hours.
I gotta go.

JACOB: Uncle Adam, come on!
Who the fuck is that chick?

Do you wanna come with me?

LOU: Get her fax
number and let's go.
Come on.

I can't.
Yes, you can.

You can do
whatever you want, man.
It's your life.

I want to.

Good. Then come on.

But I can't because
my friends need me and
I gotta show up for them,

so I really can't.

Okay.

So what are we...
I mean, do we...

What happens?
I don't know.

I'm not really
making any plans.

I'm just sort of
letting the universe
surprise me, right?

I like that.
I like that a lot.

That's the sign
of a happy man.

MAN: April, let's go!

Shit.

(WHISPERING)
Maybe the universe will
bring us together again.

I hope.

JACOB:
Casanova, let's do this!

(BIZARRE LOVE TRIANGLE
PLAYING)

Just turn it around
and keep it running, okay?

PHIL: Yeah, sure thing.

Okay.
You go this way,
I'll go this way?

No, I'm gonna do the opposite
of everything you say.

Great.

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

Wonder which
one's Blaine's room.

Housekeeping.

Go, go, go.

Let's try in here.
Where is it?

Come on! Come on, come on.

(GRUNTS)

Panties, panties, panties!

What the fuck are you doing?

Why don't you shut
your slut mouth

and mind your own
fucking business?

You disgust me.

(GROWLING)

I love how much
you hate you.

Thank you.

They're here, come on.
Fuck!

"Fuck" as in,
"The Chernobly's here
and we're all good"?

No, "fuck" as in, "fuck!"

Where's Nick?

NICK: Admit it!
You sucked his balls,
you licked his booty,

you sucked his toes.

Was his dick
bigger than mine?

You wore the heels,
didn't you?

Admit it, bitch!

There's gonna be
some changes, all right?

First, I'm dropping
"Agnew" from my name.

No more hyphenate.

Next, I'm getting
back on stage.

I'm going back to music
because I jam.

But you wouldn't know
nothing about that

because you're probably
somewhere sucking
a motherfucker's dick!

Excuse me?

Hang up the phone, Jerry.
This shit don't concern you.

How do you know my name?

Hang up the phone,
motherfucker!

This is between
me and my wife!

Hey! Give me that phone!

Give him the phone, Nick.

I know what I'm doing.
I know what I'm doing!

No, you don't, man.
Let it go! Let it go, man.

Wrong number.
But you're a bad girl
and you hurt him.

Were you just yelling
at your 9-year-old wife?

Yes.

God damn it.
I'm gonna go nuclear
on these guys.

BOY: They couldn't
have gone far, man.

(LOU PANTING)

Lou! Come on,
we gotta go.

Hey.
Hey.

Mom?

Hey, did you find
the Chernobly?

You motherfucker!

Where did he go?
Jacob?

What the fuck?
What's happened?

Oh, my God. I get it.

I'm his father.

What?

Wait, so what do we do?

Oh, my God.

Hit that.

You finish this.

Okay.

Lay down.
We got a stupid baby
to make right now.

LOU: (GROANING)
I'm back inside of you.

I can't believe I'm
fucking Adam's sister!

I'm doing it!
I'm doing it!

It's gonna take me a while
'cause I'm a little drunk.

Oh, no, it's not.
Here I come.

Oh, my God,
I'm gonna come!
I'm gonna...

Oh, Shia LaBeouf!

Dropping loads!

So much fucking semen.
Little tiny Jacobs!

(JACOB WHOOPING)

(LAUGHS) There's my boy.

It was so beautiful.
You sack of shit!

I knew there was a reason
I fucking hated you.

And now I know why.

I'm gonna tell
everybody in prison that
I traveled back in time

to kill my own father!

ADAM: Jacob, get off him.
Come on!
Time out, young man.

Get the fuck off of me!
You're a fucking dead man!

ADAM: Jacob!

Nobody fucks my mother
in the past!

I feel pregnant.

You're welcome.

(CROWD EXCLAIMING)

You Commies looking for this?

Yes, actually.
Yes, we are.

That's what
we're looking for.

You think we could
get that back?

No, you may not.

But bad news
for you, sport.
I'm a patriot.

And I'm not about to
let some Ruskie fucks
come into my town

and blow shit up with
some red-soda-can bomb.

Just give it to us,
turtleneck.

Yeah, okay,
you can have it back.

As long as that
sack over there comes
and takes it from me.

I think he's
talking about you.
He's talking about you.

He's obviously
talking about me.

Blaine, hello.

Um...

Can I please
get the soda back?

Yeah, sure you can.

Oh.

Okay.

(GRUNTS)

Fuck me in the face.

BOY: Get him
a body bag, Blaine!

Give us a minute, okay?
Listen to me, man.

That guy,
that guy has pummeled you
again and again.

He made you
his little bitch.

He's humiliated you,
emasculated you.

The wheel of fate has stopped
and dumped you here again,

utterly defeated.

None of this is
helping me at all.

I know, it's coming.
It's coming right now.

Patience.

Maybe you're supposed to do
something different.

What is this, girl talk?
Let's go here, come on.

You're better than him.

America!

Maybe not by a lot,
but a little.

You're the patron saint
of the totally fucked.

You're completely toxic.
There's nothing
you can't kill.

You're the fucking Violator!

The moment's over.
Let's go!

You can do this!
You can get us
the fuck out of here!

You can be the hero!

Enrique-fucking-lglesias.

You love that song,
don't you?

I love that fucking song!

Give me your best shot.
Come on, buddy.

(HERO PLAYING)

MAN: (SINGING)
I can be your hero, baby

I can kiss away the pain

I will stand by you forever

You can take my breath away

Shit.

God damn it!
None of what you
said worked at all.

Let's kick these guys' ass,
get the shit and go home.

Done.

No, no!

(YELLING)

Fuck you! Feels so good!

The Chernobly.

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

(IN RUSSIAN ACCENT)
Martina Navratilova.

NICK: Smirnoff Ice.

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

That's right,
we are Russians!
Spies.

Yeah, because I was
just speaking Russian.

ADAM: He pulls that top,
and this whole
fucking place blows.

You guys count backwards
from 50, then pull up
the carpet and jump around.

Or I'll fuck you up.

Hi, Phil.
Can we go back
to the hotel, lodge?

Sure.
Thank you so much.

Five, four, three...

Blaine, please stop counting.

Chaz, this is
an Acorn 5 situation.

If we stop counting,
they're gonna blow
us sky-high.

Look, if it is a bomb,
they've got it with
them, all right?

If anyone's gonna blow up,
it's them.

Chaz, stop!

How long did
our talking just take?

I don't know.
I wasn't keeping track.

Fuck it, let's risk it!

Move out!

LOU: Now that you're with me,
you gotta cover up your belly.

NICK: Let's get
the fuck out of here.

KELLY:
What are you talking about?
We only had sex once.

Let's go. Come on.
Kelly, you can
talk about it later.

You guys are all right?

ADAM: Thank you, Phil.
Enjoyed it.

Have a good rest
of your vacation.

We'd love to
have you come back here
to the Silver Peaks Lodge.

Thanks. Bye-bye.
Thanks, Phil.
Take care.

Be careful.

Hey, watch out!

(CAR HORN HONKING)

God, you guys see that?

Come on, man!

Why would you
fucking take that
from me?

I didn't take it from you.

You guys...

KELLY: Oh, my God!
(ALL SCREAMING)

It happened!
It happened!

Why the fuck
are you laughing?
Gross!

Man down, man down!
Code 11.

All right,
everybody grab your gear,
we gotta move!

Later, Kelly.

Bye, Mom. Love you.
Don't do drugs, okay?

Hey, bye.

Aren't you coming
to my room with me?

No, I gotta take
my clothes off

and get in a hot
tub with these guys.

Then I'm totally
over you.

Kelly, listen.
It's been
an interesting trip.

You're my sister
and I love you.

I love you, too.

And don't steal
that Caboodle makeup
thing from JCPenney

and you won't do
any hard time.

I'll see you in 20 years.

Uh. You're giving me a ride
in the morning, right?

Hallelujah!

Cannonball!

Yeah! Let's get
this party started!

Young blood.

Holy shit!
(THUNDER RUMBLING)

ADAM: Hey, look,
it's happening.

Here it comes!

Hurry up.
I can see the '90s.

Why are you taking
off your clothes?

I don't know, man.
It just feels right,
you know?

Fuck it.

Adam! Adam!
I'm not gonna go!

What?
I'm gonna stay!

Don't fuck around, Lou.
Let's go!

I'm good here, man.

I had a good day!
I beat the shit out
of that guy, finally!

I fucked your sister!

I could be a good dad!

I love you, Jacob!

Fuck you!

(LAUGHING)

Little scamp. They say
the damndest things, man.

Come on, Lou, let's go!
We'll talk about it
when we get home!

I was trying
to kill myself!

I know, man.
That's why we came here!

If I go back, I'm just
gonna kill myself
all over again, man.

I can't.
You're gonna stay?

JACOB: Guys, let's go.

All right, well,
if you're gonna stay,
I'm gonna stay!

You'd really
do that for me?

We're best friends!
If you're staying,
I'm staying!

Your bullshit's
my bullshit, right?

I'm your best friend?

You are one of
my best friends!

I'll take that!

NICK:
Where you going on me?

Thank you!

JACOB: Oh, my God!

All right, man. Come on!

(ALL YELLING)

(ALL COUGHING)

JACOB: Holy shit.

This better be the last time
my ass travels through time.

Oh...

It is so good
to see you.

LOU: Are we rolling?

Welcome back, bitches!

Is that Lou?

What took you so long?
All right, zoom out.

JACOB: Yeah, that's
a weird hair choice.

Uh-oh. Look what Daddy did.

He looks like a lion.

Oh, hi.
Didn't see you there.

Here's a question.

Was it morally
wrong for me to exploit
my knowledge of the future

for personal financial gain?

Perhaps.

Here's another question.

Do I give a fuck?

That's my father.

LOU: Hey, check out my girl.

You burned
the fucking crab
cakes again.

LOU: No, I didn't burn them
because I like them that way!

I fucking hate you, Louis.

LOU:
I hate you, too, baby.

I love that woman, man.

Those are my parents.

But seriously,
a lot has changed.

So, whatever happens,
stay the fuck calm.

It'll all make sense soon.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Good morning.

Holy shit,
Phil, you got
both your arms.

Oh. Yeah, I do.

That's incredible.

Yeah, what happened was
a snowplow came along

and it took my arm right off.

But the ski patrol came along
and they put it on ice.

Blaine and Chaz.
Blaine and Chaz
saved his arm!

We got 15 minutes
before that thing dies,
all right.

We're gonna put
that back on you!

PHIL: I'm pretty happy.

It looks great.

Anyhow, I have instructions
on how to get home.

We know how to get home.

Yeah. We know...

Mr. Dorchen anticipated
that you might say that,

so I took the liberty
of printing up some
Lougle maps for you.

You mean "Google"?
PHIL: Lougle maps.

What's the matter
with you guys?

(LAUGHING)

NICK: Fuck me.

So, Phil, if you wanna find,
you know, like porno

or a restaurant review
or anything like that,
you use Lougle?

Correct.

I bet he's on
the Statue of Liberty
and shit, too.

You want me
to go in there?

NICK: That's what
it says on the map.

Call me later.

Hello.

Welcome back, Mr. Webber.
How was your time away?

Uh...

Hey, how was the trip?

(ONCE IN A LIFETIME PLAYING)

Good.

MAN: (SINGING)
Letting the days go by

Let the water hold me down

Letting the days go by

Water flowing underground

Into the blue again

After the money's gone

Once in a lifetime

Water flowing underground

Motherfucker.

Nick?

Baby, how was your weekend?
I wasn't expecting you today.

Baby. Baby.
I got something
to tell you.

I know about what you did
with a guy named Steve.

Steve?
Our receptionist?

That Tyrese-looking
motherfucker out there?

Baby, wait a minute.
What are you talking about?

You think I'm
fooling around?

First of all,
I would never
screw around.

And you remember I told you
about that crazy wrong number
I got when I was nine.

That man was so...
I love you, Courtney.

I love you so much.

I love you, too,
Nick Webber.

Nick Webber?

That's your name.

Yeah, it is my name.

Yeah.

You know my name.
Say it again.

Nick

Webber.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Grab that.
I'll take this one.

Hey, Mom.
I made you a drink.

Is there alcohol in that?

Yeah, I believe
there's still
alcohol in scotch.

Talk about your
lost weekend, huh?

I know, right? Man.

Hey, family.

What are you faggots
talking about?

My two handsome men.

Let me get you
another drink, Dad.

Daddy's little buddy.

You know what
I can't believe?

I can't believe
we're all here.

I can't believe
we all made it.

Made it together.

A toast.
APRIL: A toast.

Approximately
three days ago,
or 20 years,

depending on your
understanding of the
time-space continuum, Jacob,

sitting here with you guys
would have been
my worst nightmare.

It's true.

But I can honestly
say right now

I'm very happy
to be right here
in this moment with you,

my best friends.
APRIL: Hear, hear.

To friends.

And family.

ADAM: All right. Cheers!

To past, present and future.

ALL: Cheers!

JACOB: So, "Lougle," huh?

Yeah.

Lougle.
Just this multibillion-dollar
thing I did for a while.

My real
passion's music, though.
So pissed the band broke up.

Band? What band
were you ever in?

(HOME SWEET HOME PLAYING)

(SINGING)
You know I'm a dreamer

But my heart's of gold

I had to run away high

So I wouldn't come home low

Just when things went right

Doesn't mean
they were always wrong

Just take this song
and you'll never feel

Left all alone

Take me to your heart

Feel me in your bones

Just one more night

And I'm coming off this
long and winding road

I'm on my way

Home sweet home

Tonight, tonight

I'm on my way

Home sweet home

You know that I've seen

Too many romantic dreams

Up in lights

falling off the silver screen

My heart's
like an open book

For the whole world to read

Sometimes nothing
keeps me together

at the seams

I'm on my way

Home sweet home

Yeah

I'm on my way

Just set me free

Home sweet home

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