Hot Tub (2004) - full transcript

Announcer: this is
the drawn together house,

Where 8 different
cartoon characters

From all over
the animated universe

Will live together
in front of a million cameras.

Introducing
princess clara,

A musical and bigoted
fairy-tale princess.

Wooldoor sockbat,

A fucking annoying,
wacky whatchamacallit.

Foxxy love...

A mystery-solving musician
with a sweet ass.

Toot, a black-and-white
heartthrob from the '20s.



Plus, she's fat.

Ling-ling,

A sociopathic, asian
trading-card battle monster.

Xandir, a totally gay
video-game adventurer.

Spanky ham, a crass
internet download

Who farts on retards.

Captain hero,

Another person
in the house.

This is...

The first-ever animated
reality television show, ever.

Princess clara:
the minute I met
my new housemates,

I felt like they were
members of my family,

Only much, much poorer.

Hi. I'm princess--whoo!



I call dibs
on the chair.

Yeah.

Wow.

Oh, what a cute dog.
Want a bone, fella?

[speaking japanese]

¶ kill, kill, kill, kill,
die, die, die ¶

¶ kill kill... ¶

[mutters]

Whoa.

[cavalry charge plays]

I'm toot.
I'm a sex symbol.

I am xandir. I'm on
a never-ending quest
to save my girlfriend!

Girlfriend!
You have a girlfriend?

When were you gonna tell me
about this girlfriend?!

But we just met,
like, 2 seconds ago?

Oh, yeah?

Well, can your
stupid girlfriend do this?

¶ la la ¶

[charleston playing]

[continues singing badly]

Save yourselves!

[housemates screaming]

So, now do you still...
[panting]

[panting]
have a...Girlfriend?

Huh?

Um...Yeah.

Why do I always let guys
do this to me?!

Ah...

Sometimes I cut myself
to relieve the pain.

Hee hee hee. Toot.

I love you so much.
Oh, my god, I do!

Shut up.
You do not...

Rack 'em, pig.

Hey, dungeons
and douche bags,
you're up.

Can you believe
this kid?

He's been on
the phone all day
with his old lady.

Dude, I don't blame him.

The talent here
is pretty weak, man. I mean,

Sure, i'd stick and stir
any one of these broads,

But, you know,

I really wish we had one
of those hot black chicks.

Bling bling!
Foxxy's in the house.

Oh, i'm pretty good
at this.

I wish we had a 12-year-old girl
and a donkey.

Damn.

Hi. I'm xandir.

Well, hello.

I'm glad you're
finally here.

Would you be a dear
and fetch my bags,
servant girl?

[all gasp]

Excuse me? What did you
just call me? "servant girl"?

Oh, many pardons
or...My bad.

What do you people
call yourselves
these days--

Mammy, moolie,
topsy, shwoogie?

Ha ha ha.
Oh, my god.

She thinks
you're our servant
'cause you're black!

Ha ha ha ha.
Oh, man.

This is the best day
of my miserable life.

Sweet!

I love racism.

Is you crazy?!

Uh-uh. Lemme
loose now.

Why you frontin'
my shit, bitch?

You must
be twilight zonin'.

You don't even know
who you be steppin' to.

Help, someone.

She's attacking me like
i'm the english language.

Oh, it is on.

[shouting]

I call dibs
on the catfight.

Why must I ruin
everything beautiful?

Now, what was that bitch
thinkin'?

Foxxy ain't a slave
to nobody.

Nobody but the rhythm.

[music plays]
ohh. Hey. Ohh...

Ahem. You best
stay out of my way, bitch,

Or you gonna be dead.

Aah! Unh!

I thought those people
picked banjos, not fights.

I was so up set
about what foxxy had done.

I sure hope this
comically misleading nose job

Makes me feel better.

Hey! Not bad!

Xandir: after the fight,
things got super uncomfortable.

You could, like,
totally cut the tension

With, like, a plus-6 sword.

I mean, why is this
happening?

We were such good friends
to start.

[somber song plays]

Foxxy:
it's like this, right?

Because of that
dumb princess bitch,

Everybody thought foxxy love
was a loose cannon.

Now, foxxy may be loose,
but she ain't no cannon.

I needed to make things
right, and quick.

Bling bling.

12-year-old girl
and a donkey?! Damn.

Crap the bed, uncle fred.

Foxxy's got us
a buttload of booze. Yeah.

Hells, yeah.

Whoo, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Hey, pig, great news.

Foxxy just bought us
an insane amount of alcohol.

Are you defecating
into a cantaloupe?

[farting]

This is awkward.

I guess if I just
waited an hour,

I could've chalked this one up
to the booze, huh?

Hey, listen, let's not live
in the past, all right?

Come on, guys,
let's party. Whoo-hoo!

[rap song]
¶ here we go ¶

¶ this is how we do it ¶

Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

Smells like mommy's kisses.

Suck! Suck! Suck...

Hee hee. Toot.

[laughter]

She did not--
she did not just do that.

Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!

This is the life.

[farts]

Spanky!
Spanky, you farted!

Spanky: gambled and won. Ha!

Clara: I was trying
to enjoy myself,

But I sorta got the feeling
I wasn't wanted.

But I wasn't sure,
because foxxy's hand
got all blurry.

I mean, she may have
been waving

Or going like this...

Or like this...

Or like this.

Oh.

Oh, xandir, I sure hope
you don't push me in,

'cause i'm really, really
close to the edge.

So close, in fact,
you could easily
push me in.

Ok, maybe it was just me.
That's definitely a possibility,

But I don't know.
All night,

It kind
of seemed like toot

Was on a really annoying
crush for attention.

Hey, xandir,
got any beads?

I'm standing
under the mistletoe!

I swear to fucking god,
i'll chop my fucking head off!

[pffft]

Would you just
put in me, already?

Even if you just
need a place to pee!

I, uh, am
on a never-ending quest...

[muffled]

[cries]

I knew what xandir
was trying to tell me--

That I was fat

And guys aren't into
real women anymore.

I was so mad. I guess
that's why I did what I did.

[ring]

What? This is who?
Xandir's girlfriend?

Are you sure?

Because xandir's
never mentioned anything
about a girlfriend.

I'm on
a never-ending quest
to save my girlfriend.

Girlfriend.
Girlfriend.

[muffled] girlfriend.

And we talk
all the time

About everything.

Oh, hey, ok.

Ooh, right on the bum.

[sobs]

¶ tra la la la la la ¶

[sobbing]

I saw princess clara
with tears in her eyes,

And, man, nothin' reminds me
of my first time

Like a chick cryin'.

Aw, poor hot girl.
What's wrong?

Unless I was
completely mistaken,

Spanky ham seemed
like the kind of person

I could open up to,

So we found
a private room
in the house

Where we could have
a serious talk.

[sobs] oh, why does
foxxy hate me so?

It's not like i'm the one
who made her black.

No, no, no.
That's nobody's fault
but her own.

You know what
you should do?

Apologize?

If that'll get you
out of that robe

So I can check out that
precious vertical smile
of yours.

I don't see why
I should apologize.

I mean, where I come from,
all my servants are black...

Or worse.

Yeah, but, honey,
where you're from,

Inanimate objects
spring to life

And spew silly
catch phrases.

What you
talkin' about, pig?

No. He's right, blue ball.
Maybe I should just apologize.

Usually, clara
looks to us for advice,

But this time,
it came from spanky.

It's a good thing, too,
because I was gonna tell her
to shoot the president.

[gunshot]

I gave him
a li'l somethin' somethin'.

Foxxy, I want
to apologize.

Aw.

You can apologize...

By shuttin' the fuck up.

I don't blame you
for being mad, foxxy.

After all, your people
do have terrible tempers.

Oh, this is one
messed-up apology,

And the bitch
just kept on goin'...

It must be so frustrating
that you're not as buoyant
as regular people.

And goin'...

Heck, 2 separate
water fountains

Just means shorter lines
for everybody.

And then she said somethin'
that explained it all.

And father always
made us cut up those
plastic six-pack holders

So they wouldn't
get lodged in your
people's blowholes.

Father is so wise.

Blowholes? You
hear that, america?

Blowholes.

Oh, I can't
be mad at clara.

She's just a idiot

Who's been listenin'
to her bigoted papa
for way too long.

It's not her fault.

Girl, foxxy love

Is gonna teach you how
to open up your mind...

And your mouth.

Oh, my god.

Clara: ¶ what
is this thing
in my mouth? ¶

¶ it's slippery...
And it's slimy ¶

¶ traveling down my slender
virgin pink esophagus ¶

¶ some black chick's tongue ¶

[boing]
¶ it's such a new sensation ¶

¶ I got a mayonnaise mama ¶

¶ on my lickin' hole ¶

¶ and we've only just begun ¶

¶ it's really
quite thrilling ¶

¶ that's right,
now you know ¶

¶ I think I taste
a filling ¶

¶ and it's
solid gold ¶

¶ I never dreamed
I would be so willing ¶

¶ to let myself go ¶

¶ tell me about it ¶

¶ i'm totally frenchin'
a racist 'ho ¶

Both: ¶ this black chick's
tongue ¶

Clara: ¶ what
a wonderful feeling ¶

¶ damn, where'd this bitch
get her earrings? ¶

¶ i've never had
so much fun ¶

Both: ¶ as with
this black chick's tongue ¶

¶ how cool is this? ¶

¶ we've only
been here a day ¶

¶ and I already
find myself ¶

¶ in a 3-way ¶

This is nice.

[giggling and chattering
indistinctly]

[sighs]

[exhaling
from blowhole]

Ohh! I'm trapped
inside a fart bubble!

I'm free! Ha ha!

I'm free! I'm free!
I'm free! I'm free!

Uh...Wait!

My immune system!

I'm not strong enough
to live outside the bubble!

Aaah-ha!

Morning, toot.

I--i'm on
a never-ending--

...Ending quest to save
your girlfriend.

Blah, blah, blah.
We know.

Hey...Did you
get my message?

No. What message?

Oh...That's right--

I didn't leave you one.

Last night,
your girlfriend called.

She did?!
Oh, my god!

Wait. Ok.
What did she say?

Yeah, something about
knowing her exact location

And needing you
to save her.

What?! But...
Why didn't you get me?!

Oh, it was no biggie.
I told her you were busy

Hot-tubbing
with a couple
of emaciated lesbos.

So she said
not to call back...Ever!

I'm making coffee.
You want?

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
[hyperventilating]

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!

I was, like...
Who was that?

Was that me?

It was!
And guess what?

I liked it!

So, fine. If I can't be
the sex symbol,

I can definitely be
the...Bitch!

Man: oh...Yeah!

[humming a romantic tune]

So, how was
your night, princess?

¶ ah ¶

Oh...It was magical.

You think what happened
last night was magical?

I mean, maybe
it would be magical

If you were violated
by a magician.

[gasps]

But foxxy's not a magician,
now, is she?

Violated?
But I thought...

It's not your fault.

It's not completely
your fault.

[squirting]

I was violated!

I want foxxy love gone!

[indistinct]

Hmm. I don't know
if a tequila brunch
would help.

I guess
it's worth a try.

[brass band plays
la cucaracha]

That was
a terrible idea!

I was totally
violated...Again!

I want foxxy love gone!

You shittin' me.

She claimin'
I violated her?
Against her will?

I never met anybody
who don't want
to kiss foxxy.

Except...Maybe papa.

And now the producers
are asking us to vote.

Say what?!

On whether or not
we feel safe

Keeping you
in the house.

Say where?!

This is some f'd-up s!
I am so mad!

I've been stuck like this
for 3 hours.

You know this vote
is total crap.

She was
totally into it.

You saw us
tongue-bangin'.

Sorry, foxxy...
But if I vote you out now,

I'll be one step closer
to the million dollars.

Million dollars?

You know this ain't
one of them kind
of shows, right?

Ain't no prizes.

Ah, silly foxxy.

She'll never win
the million dollars

With that attitude.

Sorry, babe.
I'm just worki''
the angles...

And these guns.

Fine, vote me off.

They'll just replace me
with some other minority.

Probably a mexican.
I hope you like beans
and illegal relatives

Hidin' in every drawer,
asshole!

Yo. Gaystation two.

You're votin'
foxxy out, right?

I'm not stickin'
around to vote. Ok?

I'm on a never-ending
quest to save
my girlfriend...

And she's in trouble!

You know, from the second
that kid set foot in this house,

All he's been saying is,

[mockingly]
"i'm on a never-ending quest
to save my girlfriend."

Where are all
the paper towels?

Oh, no! I think
my watch is broken.

Grapes are fun.
[chuckles]

Dicks.

Dude, you are so whipped.

How many lives have you spent
on this "girlfriend," anyway?

8 million,
293 thousand,
506,

Not counting
quad-forces
and power-ups.

Yeah, well,
if you ask me,

She keeps
getting kidnapped
on purpose.

I see it all the time.
Chicks just want me

To swoop in,
fondle 'em,
and save 'em.

'course, by the time
I get there,

They're totally fine
or already dead.

Either way, there'll
be some serious fondling.

Could the studly hero
be right?

Was she...Just...
Trying to control me?

Sorry, but
I don't think so.

Now, excuse me,
but...

[tearfully]
I am on...

A never-ending quest...

To save my girlfriend!

[sniffles]

Now, good-bye!

¶

[people yelling]

3 days after
the killer tornado hit,

And it's still chaos
out here,

Some 300 homes decimated.

You can understand that after
the first couple of days

It was difficult to tell
who lived where

And what happened
to everyone.

[suspenseful music plays]

[weeping]

[speaking japanese]

Don't worry, ling-ling.
Things will be
so much better

After we vote
that foxxy love
out of the house.

Really, ling-ling?

I never thought of it
that way.

Could that thing be right?

Was my father actually
a racist bastard?

And was I really
sounding like him?

But, ling-ling...

Unhh!
All my life father
has taught me

That black people are--

Well, that is true.

I did come here
to experience new things.

So I really ought
to keep an open mind.

Thanks, little friend.

Now I need to go
stop this vote!

Oh, mitsubishi.

Uhh! Get off the bed,
ling-ling!

[ding ding ding]

[shouting]

What the toot?!

Aaahhh!

Waahh!

Aah! Aah, aah, aah!

¶ kill! Kill! Kill! ¶

Spanky: so, anyway, we gathered
in the living room

To vote,
and to be honest,

I was
totally lookin' forward

To voting that hot
black chick out.

Oh, wait a minute.
Not voting.

I mean eating!

Hey, kid,
you're back.

[mockingly]
I thought you had to
save your girlfriend.

I was. But then I--

I thought about
what you said,
captain hero,

About her
controlling me...

And I realized...

No.

Not this time.

Not...This...Time.

Wait! I have something
I need to say.

I know I was the one
who wanted foxxy
out of the house,

But that is
no longer the case.

This bitch flip-flops
more than the footwear
of the same name.

I realize I have
unfairly judged
foxxy's actions

Through glasses
made of hate and
racial insensitivity.

But now, thanks
to ling-ling's help,

I am taking off
those glasses

And putting in colored
contacts of tolerance
and understanding.

I now see foxxy
for who she truly is--

A strong woman,
a human being,

And most importantly,
a friend.
A black friend.

And I think
we all benefit
from keeping foxxy.

So, who's with me?
Do I hear one vote?
One vote to keep her?

Come on, guys,
she's a good,
hard worker.

She's healthy, and
she's got a strong
load-bearing back.

Mmm?
I got one.
I got one vote.

Do I hear 2?
Do I hear 2 votes?

Check out these
strong pink gums.

She obviously comes
from good stock.
Do I hear 2?

Oh, I got 2.
Do I hear 3?
3 votes to keep--

What do you people
call yourselves,
again?

Oh, it's on, bitch.

[indistinct yelling
and shouting]

[shouting and yelling]

Foxxy, sweetly: oh,
wait a minute, now.

What you got?
Princess: mmm...

Yeah! Mmm.

[kissing]
mmm. Mmm.

[loud punch]

Get a little
bossy, now.

Yeah, that
felt good.

Just a appetizer,
girl.

Announcer: this year
on drawn together...

Xandir: we're
all gonna die!

[thunder]
aah!

[shouting in japanese]

Give me your hand!

Give me the ring!

I am god.

I said
i'm on the phone!

Ohh!

You guys
disgust me.

Rrreow!

I'm so fat! Aah!

Better go pack!
Hee hee!

Xandir:
that big-mouth tranny

Is gonna tell
my girlfriend i'm out!

She already knows.

Spanky: did you sleep
with her?!

It's not
what you think!

Are you as turned on
as I am?

What?!
I am so
sorry!

[gunshot]

Spanky:
that's a good oriental.

Now make a hundred more!

Hmm.

Great googly moogly!

The horror!

I'm with you, jesus.

Oh!

Foxxy! What's the matter?

I am pregnant!

[shower running]

[sobbing]

[crunch]