Hot Tamale (2006) - full transcript

Come on, boys.

Get him out of there.
Yeah, there we go.

Bring him on up here.

He's a goner.

Yep, definitely Buc Woodriff.
Goddammit!

Unbelievable. This is the third
fishing accident this year.

Shit.

I was kinda hoping it'd be Rusty Boyd.
Curtis!

Would you step back, please.

Rusty Boyd?

Rusty's been banging his wife.



No shit?

So what do you think?

I gotta be honest, boss.
I thought he was a Bud man.

Yeah. I think he went for a cold one
and slipped in a hole. End of story.

Sounds good to me.

Here comes the family.

- You want me to take care of them?
- No.

You wait here.

You don't have to look at me like that.

Come on, fellers,
get this guy covered up.

Folks...

I'm afraid it's not good news.

Is he dead?

Step back! Step back!



If it's any comfort to you,
it was a peaceful passing.

Thank God.

Follow me, please.

Peaceful my ass.

Poor bastard.

Must have froze on impact.

He's still a good looking man.

As I stand here looking
at my father's lifeless body.

I wish I could feel something,
but all I feel is cold.

Dad,

I'd like to have his wedding ring.

Well...

it's froze stuck.

Oh shit!

Let me help you with that.

Since my first waking memory,
I've been asking myself the same question:

- Here! Got it!
- Who are these people?

It was a good idea.
It's gold.

Bye, bye, Buc.

I can't help but think that somehow
in the grand scheme of things

- I've ended up in the wrong family.
- Is somebody gonna come get him?

I certainly hope so.

They always come and get him. Are you
just gonna let him lay out here on the ice-

- like a dang frozen cod?
- No.

I've always tried to blend in.

Run!
Run for your life!

What the hell's wrong with you, boy!

Buc, why do you always
you have to do....

I've had enough of you, woman!

Don't go! Buc!

Buc!

- Buc, no! Don't go!
- Let go of me.

Don't go, please.
I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

As I pondered my future of manure,
rifle racks and a six-pack,

the idea of death by a Rototiller
was looking better by the minute.

But then...

Caesar arrived.

The Taco tucker's here.

Caesar was an exchange student
from Puerto Rico.

We had absolutely nothing in common.

Or... so I thought.

Hey, Caesar!

Ooh, sorry...
I gotta know. Who is that?

- What's your name?
- Bitsy!

- It's Bitsy.
- No. Who's playing?

I don't know.

Well, what kind of music is that?

Harlan, it's salsa.
Now get out.

I was only kidding.
I know your name.

Nice to meet you...

Bitsy.

Salsa.

Now that I think about it,

my father never even heard me play.

But maybe that was a good thing.

Mom, grandpa, I'm leaving.

That's fine, dear.
Will you be home for dinner?

No. I'm going to Los Angeles.

- California?
- Yeah.

Oh.

Why in the hell would you wanna go
out to a cesspool like that?

I want to play salsa in a band,
a real band.

That's nice, dear

That's the dumbest damn thing
I ever heard of. Pass the margarine.

Why in the hell can't we get
butter on this table once in a while?

Damn margarine?

Excuse me, sir.

Can I trouble you for some coffee?

Thanks.

Doughnut?

Sure.

Got a light?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I though no one was sitting there.

Well, clearly I am.

Hey, I was just messing with you.

- Where are you from?
- Wyoming.

Wyoming. Where men are men,
and sheep are nervous.

Yeah.

Actually, there are a lot
more cows than sheep.

They're even raising ostriches now.

You mean like Big Bird?

- Kinda.
- No shit.

Why?

They are the new red meat.

But I hear it taste more like chicken.

- That's really disturbing.
- I'm sorry...

- Did you ever eat one?
- No.

No.

Good. That's good.

- I'd better be hitting the road.
- Where are you headed?

- LA.
- Yeah? Where you staying?

In Venice.
With a friend.

What's his name?
Maybe I know him.

- I don't think you know him.
- I know a lot of people.

- Caesar Lopez.
- Caesar Lopez. Never heard of him.

Did you ever feel like you just
had to get away? Start things over, you know?

- Did you ever feel like that?
- Yeah, yeah, I do.

Well, that's what I'm trying to do.

You never saw me, right?

Excuse me, um...
How much do I owe you?

Where's your friend?

I don't have a friend.
I'm here alone.

Who's driving the motherfucking Fastback?

You got me.
The cook?

Dwayne, why don't you check it out,
and I'll keep our new buddy company.

- Let me buy you another doughnut?
- No.

I'm fine.
Thank you.

I insist.

That's unappetizing.

You know, someone should report
this fucking dive to the health department.

How about a bagel?

I... think I'm gonna be leaving now.

Hey, kid.
Wait a minute.

You're not gonna get
very far without these.

Slow down!

Slow down! Slow down!
Break!

Jesus Christ!
Give me a dollar.

- No!
- Give me a dollar!

- I want a dollar. You tried to kill me.
- God, I'm sorry.

- I didn't see you. I'm sorry.
- No, no, no.

You tried to kill me.
Give me the dollar.

I want a dollar, I want a dollar now.
Give me a dollar. You tried to kill me.

Give me the damn dollar!
Get the hell outta here!

Shit.

Let me in. Come on, let me in.

Harlan...

Get your Wyoming ass up here.

All right.
I'm coming.

Hey, you're here. How was your trip?
You look like shit.

I pulled an all nighter
18 hours straight.

You need a shower
and a shot of tequila.

- Come on. I'll help you with your stuff.
- Cool.

Okay. That's it for now.

Are you crazy? This ain't Wyoming.
Don't be leaving any shit in your car.

They'll steal your ass blind.

- No more, no more
- Harlan, don't be a pussy.

All right, just a half.

- You don't like my tequila?
- All right, fill her up. I'm in LA.

- What the hell?
- That's right. You're in LA. Salute.

Cheers.

- It's good to see you, my brother.
- You too.

So what do you think of the paintings?
Impressive, no?

They're nice.

Very realistic.
Are they photographs?

What? No, man.
I painted them.

I was thinking about sending one to your family.
You know, a little thank you for taking me in.

I was thinking maybe this one.

It's perfect.

Oh, hey, hey...

My mom sent you some
of her corn relish.

- I love this shit.
- I know.

Tell her I said thank you, please.

- You want some?
- No.

I'm sorry about your dad.

Thanks.

You know, we hadn't seen him
for a couple of years, so...

That doesn't make it any easier.

No. I guess not.

Hey, we don't have
to talk about it. Okay?

How about this, man?
Nice, huh?

- Come on. Dance with me.
- Oh, shit.

"Shit"? Why not dance with me.

- Come on.
- I'm tired.

- I need to sleep.
- Tired? Come on.

No, no, no, no.

I've been driving 18 hours.
Caesar...

This is way too gay.

What? Man, I'm getting
you ready for the ladies.

Hey, you take advantage of my genius
while you have the chance,

- because I am leaving tomorrow.
- Wait, what? Where are you going?

New York!

- And don't tell anybody.
- Why? What's in New York?

A gallery owner is
interested in my work.

And if anybody asks,
just tell them I stepped out.

You stepped out... to New York?

To do the laundry, get a cup of
coffee or something.

Hey, no resistance.
You gotta lock your arms.

I tell this to who exactly?

You know the authorities.
Hey, you're too stiff.

You gotta loosen up, like this.

Wait!
You mean the police?

Hey, no biggie.
Just tell them I'll be back.

OK, good.

Harlan, you forgot everything I taught you.
You dance like a white boy.

That's because I am a white boy.
Wait, wait, wait.

Where do you think you're going, eh?
I'm not done with you. You watch this.

Oh, Harlan.
I'm sorry about your bag.

That's not my bag.

- That's some freaky shit.
- The whole thing was weird.

Why would he put his bag in my car?

I don't know. Why don't you look inside?
Maybe he left you a note.

A cigarette case...

a lighter...

Hey, all right.
Some cool shades.

- What are you doing?
- Sorry.

What do we have...?

Vicodin!

Is there a wallet?

Man, better than a wallet.

Oh wow, look at this.

"Mamacita!"

There's no wallet.

- Hey, how about another, bad boy?
- No.

- I think I'm gonna pass out now
- OK.

You stay there.

I party with you...

I party without you.

OK, Dwayne, get the shovels.

What do you mean?

What do you mean "what do I mean?
I mean, get the fucking shovels.

I thought you were bringing them.

I gave you 50 bucks cash
to pick them up.

No, no, no, no.

You asked me to pick up a sack
of adult dog food, joint formula.

Some duct tape,
and trash bags with a drawstring top.

And two shovels.

I didn't hear the shovel part.

And how are we supposed to
dig a fucking hole? With our teeth?

I'm sorry, Al.

- What time is it?
- A quarter to ten.

Fuck! Fuck

- Fuck! Fuck!
- Al, will you fucking relax!

- Don't tell me to relax.
- You need to relax.

No, no, no.

I say we just dump the guy
and get the hell outta here.

Are you out of your fucking mind?

- No.
- No?

So now you suggest that we just leave our little
friend lounging around here in the desert, right?

- You know what? Forget it.
- No, no, no, I don't wanna forget it.

That's a great idea.
That's great. You know why?

Because now we don't have to worry
about the forest ranger

or his forensic fucks finding
a nose hair or a fur ball.

'Cause you know why?
We've got a whole fucking body

pointing his finger at,
guess which two assholes?! Huh?!

All right, all right!

All right!

- It was a stupid fucking idea. Are you happy?
- No, no, no.

Happy I am not.
No, no, no.

So why don't you tell me
your brainiac idea.

We go to a motel and
wait till hardware store opens up.

- In the morning?
- Yeah.

Because of you, partner,
we're gonna do this in broad fucking daylight.

- That's so fucked!
- Yeah.

Get in the car.

Oh, fuck!

- It's your fault.
- Yeah.

You said, dog food,
the tape and fucking trash bags.

Oh, God!

- Hello?
- Jude? Is that you?

Yes! Oh, that's it!

Fuck you, you asshole!

Caesar...

I thought you were leaving in the morning.

What time is it?

It's a quarter to eight.

Oh, God.

Shit! I'm sorry.

Why?

I don't know.

Still soggy...

You want some coffee?

Yes, please. Thank you.

Espresso or latte!

OK.

Which one?

Either one is fine with me.

I think a latte.
I'm not quite sure you can...

handle an espresso.

I am Tuesday, by the way.

Hi.

- And you're Harlan from Wyoming.
- Yeah.

"Like no place on Earth."

That's our slogan.
For Wyoming.

OK.

Why don't you sit down?

- Did you sleep all right last night?
- Oh yeah, great.

It didn't get too noisy for you?

Oh. Right...

So, you're Caesar's girlfriend?

No, we just have sex.

I'm just kidding, OK.
My roommate Tina is the screamer.

I just crashed over there last night.

Tina took Caesar
to the airport this morning

and I just hung around
to do some laundry.

Hey, Harlan.

Can I ask you a question?

Uh, yeah.

- Who cuts your hair?
- Super Cuts?

Super Cuts.
Why?

I am a hairstylist.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You should let me cut
your hair sometime.

All right.

Oh! Caesar left a note
for you on the fridge.

- I think it's an audition.
- You're kidding?

Yeah, I guess the regular guy
got deported or something.

OK, so Caesar wanted me to tell you to...

make yourself at home,

and have lots and lots of sex,

and don't let anyone touch the paintings,
or he'll cut your balls off.

It was really nice meeting you, Harlan.

Thanks for the...

coffee.

Shit. The rain, huh?
I thought it never rains around here.

- What time this hellhole open up anyway?
- 8 o'clock, Al.

Al, I fucking told you
8 o'clock five times.

You're the most impatient motherfucker
on the planet, you know that?

What the fuck happened to the watch
I bought you last year for Christmas.

Oh, again with the watch. I told you
I can't wear it. I'm allergic. I break out to...

I just don't wear anything. Necklaces,
any of that stuff, OK. Have you noticed, no rings?

$3,000, later you tell me you don't wear a watch.
Fucking great!

I'll give you a check. I use it at home.
I'll make it a clock.

Oh, you will? Good.

- Fucked up.
- Here's the guy, come on. Let's go.

Hi.

We're technically not open yet.
I still need to go inside and turn on the lights

and the bar-code scanners, and
post the special papers.

It'll be about another 15 minutes.
Sorry, but you're just gonna have to wait outside.

Thank you for your patience.

Here. This is 9.99.
That's a cheap one.

those kind break all the time.
You gotta find a sturdy one.

- How's this?
- You don't want a handle. It's got a square nose.

- You need a round nose shovel.
- Who gives a shit?

- Who gives a shit?
- OK.

I don't know, I don't know.

How's this, huh?
You get the whole kit.

You get the rake,

the shovel, and the hoe, for 29.99.

Let me see this

It's a good deal.
OK, we're done.

Let's pay and get the hell outta here.

Un-fucking-believable.

What's up, fool?
You look a little lost?

You sure you're in
the right neighborhood, ese?

I think so.

You better know so, wonderbread.

You gotta be kidding me.

Hi.

- That's a nice car you got there.
- I know.

So, you're here for the audition?

Do I look like I'm here for an audition?
I live right there.

- What's up?
- Everything is fine. You?

There are.
Yes.

You wanna audition,
talk to Johnny.

Hi. I am Harlan Woodriff.
I'm sorry I'm late.

For some reason I thought you were
in Bel Air. You know, Bel Air, Terrace Drive.

Obviously this is a completely
different neighborhood.

It's nice and all, colorful.
No not you guys. The houses.

What did he say?

He wants to play with you.

Right.

I'll just get my stuff.

- Look, Al. He woke up.
- Good morning, sunshine

Why don't you come out
so we can ask you a few questions?

Against the car so I can to talk him.

All right, sunshine.

Dwayne, Dwayne,
why all the hostility?

Look what you did to him.
Can't you see that our friend

wants to be cooperative? Right?

- Right.
- Yeah.

Dwayne, grab the shovel and start digging.

Why the fuck do I have to dig?

Because you shot the designated digger.

Are you all right, you okay?

- Yeah.
- Good.

All right, this is simple.

Our employer would like you to return
what you took from him

or pay the aggregate of
80,000 in cash, of course.

- I got the stuff.
- Yeah, we know that, but where is it?

If I tell you, you're gonna kill me.

Yeah, and if you don't tell me I'm gonna
torture you till you do and then I'm gonna kill you

So why don't we just get this over with,
and you can get on with your afterlife.

If you could please take the gun out of my eye,
I maybe would be able to think more clearly.

So?

I'm waiting.

Does he have to keep doing that?

Dwayne, stop the digging..

What?

Stop fucking digging.

All right.
Is that better?

A little.

This...

this is, it's all...

theatrics.

We're not gonna kill you.
Dwayne?

I thought... Good job...

Look, why don't you just tell us where the
merchandise is, and we'll drive you back into town.

It's in my bag.

And where might that be?

I put it in that kid's car

Back at Rasor Road.

You mean the twerp
from the diner?

Yeah.
I can take you to him.

What the fuck?

Wyoming license plate.
2-4-4-A 92.

All right.
I'm ready.

He wants to know what
song you wanna play.

How about "Mi Salsa?"

This is gonna be one short ass audition,
I'll tell you that much.

Go ahead, man.
Do "Mi Salsa", dog.

Go ahead, man.

Will you shut up and let him play?

OK.

Sorry.

Hey, homes. You did good.
Till you fucked up the end of the song.

What can I say.
I sucked.

Johnny says you got a lot of
flavor for a white boy.

- He did?
- Yeah.

He also said you move like shit.

He want you to watch that tape
and practice... a lot.

All right.

His mother also wants you
to try some of her homemade Tamales.

Gracias.

Hi.

Can I give you a hand there?

Thank you, but I got it.

What about this back window?

I'm coming back out.

You know, officer. I got it,
you really don't have to do that.

It's no problem.

Is there something
I can do for you, officer?

I'm looking for Caesar.
Is he around?

No, he stepped out.

Do you know when he'll be back?

I couldn't really say.

Are you a family member?

Not exactly.

His roommate?

Kinda.
I just got into town.

Can I give Caesar a message for you?

I found a personal effect of his.
It slipped through the cracks.

I'm sorry?

Nipple ring.

Well, I'd be happy to

- give that to Caesar on your behalf...
- I'm afraid that's not possible.

He has to sign for it... personally.

OK.

I used to play
clarinet in a band.

That's nice. Clarinet.

I have some time.
Do you mind if I come in and wait?

Actually, I don't think Caesar
will be home for a while.

In that case I'll just swing by later.

All right.

Bye.

Hello?

Who is this?

- Harlan.
- Oh hi, Harlan...

why are you answering
Jude's phone?

- He left his bag in my car.
- How did that happen?

I have no idea.
It was some sort of mistake.

- I don't believe you.
- Why not?

Because Jude doesn't make mistakes.

Well, clearly he confused his
silver Fastback with my two tone Chevy.

Listen here, you little shit. You tell Jude
he can't fuck with me.

I want my cut and I'm not gonna
fuckin' wait for it. You tell him that.

Look, I have no idea
what you're talking about.

So I'll just let you
tell him that yourself.

In the meantime, can you
tell Jude, if you speak to him

before I do, that I'm gonna leave
his bag at the Venice police station,

and he can pick it
up in the morning. All right?

Take care. Goodbye.

Ooh, nice ass.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Caesar asked me
to water his plants.

Oh, OK.

How did your audition go?

Good... Kinda... I think.

Good. Sounds kinda positive.
Sort of.

You know, it's a good thing you're here,
'cause that cactus is hanging on by a thread.

OK, this way.

Come on.

Come on, come on.
This way.

- Is this what I think it is?
- Yup.

Wow! I guess Caesar was really
paying attention in agriculture class.

Pretty amazing, huh?

Yeah, I'm speechless.

It's not like Caesar is a
drug dealer or anything.

He just sells it to a
few close friends and...

... some people with doctor's prescriptions .

So, what, he's like a rogue pharmacist?

Yeah, basically.

A cop came by today.

- Officer Sternfield?
- Yeah.

- I didn't let him in.
- Good.

He's the cop that busted Caesar for
painting pubic hair on a statue at Muscle Beach.

Does he suspect Caesar's
horticultural activities?

I think he has ulterior motives.

Like what?

Don't worry, Caesar's not gonna
bend over and crack a smile for no man.

Even if he is in a uniform.

- Are you always this jumpy?
- Yes. No. It's just...

I think I know what you need.

Now, I don't know what kind
of weed they grow in Wyoming

but I guarantee Caesar's
weed will kick their ass.

So you might wanna take it a little easy.

That wasn't so bad.

Yeah, they don't grow weed
like this in Yuma either.

You're from Yuma?

Yeah.

I'm never going back.

Tell me about Wyoming.

Well... it's the least
populated state in the country

Really? I didn't know that.

Is it beautiful?

Yeah, it is beautiful.

There are these endless golden plains
as far as you can see.

Velvet green fields of alfalfa.

Antelopes, migrating across
the open range by the thousands.

There's lot of cows.

Lots of deer.
Lots of assholes in camouflage

on ATVs lurking in the bushes
with their sniper rifles.

It's a nice place to raise a family,

but anything hopping, feathered
or furred is pretty much fucked.

Harlan, are you okay?

Just... just breathe,
breathe, breathe.

I can't.

Come on, Harlan.

OK, not that much.
Just try to calm down.

- What are you doing?
- I gotta go.

Where are you going?

Oh my God!

- My heart.
- What's wrong with your heart?

- Did you see that?!
- What?!

My heart.
Oh, it's going.

Oh, my God! It's... it's beating
out of my chest. Oh shit!

It's zig-zagging
I can feel it in my temple, boom boom..

It's going around and around...
My trachea is closing.

Oh, my god.
I can hear it my head!

I'm having a heart attack.
I'm having a heart attack. Fuck me!

I think I'm having a heart attack..

You're not having a heart attack, Harlan.
Just try to calm down.

- You're gonna be fine.
- I am?

- Yeah. You're gonna be fine.
- You're right. You're right, I'm...

I'm feeling better.

I feel... I feel better.

Harlan?
Oh shit!

He's experiencing chest pains,
shortness of breath.

It's all right.

Doctor, do I know you?

Am I dying?

No, you're not dying. Just calm down.
What's your name?

Harlan Woodriff.

- Are you his wife?
- No, I'm Tuesday.

- Tuesday, you're gonna have to wait out here.
- No, no!

- Sir, please stay in the gurney.
- Harlan, let go of her hand.

Harlan, I'll be right here
waiting for you.

Let go of her hand, Harlan.
Let go.

All right, let's get him in 2.

Excuse me, can I help you?

Oh, Reverend Harvey.

- I'm here to give last rights.
- Yes, for the drug overdose.

Nurse!
Nurse!

Nurse!

- Sir, I need an update.
- I don't work here.

Doctor!

- Is Harlan all right?
- Oh yeah, he's fine.

- Was it a heart attack?
- No. Panic attack. Excuse me.

Yee haw.

You know, you're a fine looking man.
You must be important.

Funny. Well look, I'm glad
I have your vote of confidence.

Tuesday, hey,
Can you give ...?

Can you give this gentleman a tip?
He is one cool motherfucker.

No, that's all right. We are not allowed
to take tips. That's cool though.

What? Well, that's bullshit.
I wanna pay him anyway.

- Harlan, get in the car.
- What? I like him.

You know, you should come over
and hang out with us sometime.

Yeah, I'd do that. Just give me a call,
we'll hook it up, we'll hang out.

You know, do all that.
No problem.

The Valium should wear off in a little while.
He'll be all right.

OK.

You know, Tuesday can
I tell you something?

You're a beautiful woman.

- You think so?
- Yeah.

- Isn't she hot?
- Damn! You got that right.

Anyway, bro. You be good, take care.
I'll holla.

Anyway. Peace. Cool, later.

Later.

Harlan!

- Can you stay a while?
- Yeah, I think that would be a great idea.

All right.

Home sweet home.

I am starving.

Me too.
Is any there food in this house?

We have a lifetime supply of my
mothers's kicking corn relish.

That sounds good.

What do we have here?
Tamales.

Johnny's mother's homemade tamales.
She wanted me to try them.

You've been in LA for all of 24 hours

and you already have
mothers cooking for you?

Yeah! That's 'cause I'm Harlan.
Like no man on earth.

Yes, you are.

I'm sorry... about tonight.

- I really wasn't one of my better ideas.
- Don't be ridiculous.

I am responsible for my
own idiosyncrasies.

You scared the shit out of me.

I'm sorry.

Would you open this for me?

- Sure.
- Thank you.

You know... I'll open that.

- I got it.
- It's OK. Let go.

All right.

I'm just gonna make dinner...
and you go... sit... there ... Now.

Just a moment, please.

So, what's up with your friend at the DMV?

What do you mean?

I gave him this kid's license plate number,
and he's gonna call us back.

When? We've been sitting with our thumbs
up our asses for the last three hours.

Welcome to Big Burger.
Will you be dining in your car this evening?

Yes, thank you.

You know waiting doesn't
sit well with me, OK. You know that.

Call your friend back
and tell him to move his ass, all right.

- May I take your order?
- Yes.

Two double cheeseburger...
Ooh, you want fries? They make them fresh.

No, I'm going easy on the carbs.
I'll take a diet root beer.

- They don't have diet root beer.
- Then water with a slice of lemon.

Let me get two double cheeseburgers,
a large fry

strawberry shake,

and water with a slice of lemon
for my fat-free friend.

Here you go.

That was fast.

I'd offer you a beer but I think
maybe you've had enough for one night.

Yeah.

You know, I don't think
I've ever seen a real tamale before.

Is it supposed to be this stiff?

Good?

It's hot, but I like it.

So, Tex. You seem like
you're feeling a little better.

Much better.

- Tuesday?
- Yes, Harlan.

Can you pass the relish?

Sure.

Anything else?

Yeah.

Can I kiss you?

I hate it when guys have to ask.

These are giving me traumatic
childhood flashbacks,

- Why?
- Camouflage.

I have to take them off.

Go for it.

Hello?

Harlan.
Is that you?

Hi, Mom.
What time is it?

I don't know ...

but I have some good news.

Oh no!

Honey,

You have won a cruise.

- I did?
- Yes, isn't it wonderful?

It's a miracle!

How?

I don't know.
Does it really matter?

They have a 24 hour

all you can eat...

- Did you hear that?
- Yes, Mom.

And a champagne send-off.

I gave them Caesar's address and they're
gonna come by and give you all the details.

They have a jacuzzi. You know, bubbles.

Honey, your grandfather really wants to go.

I'm not getting too excited.

It's probably just one of those scams
to get us to buy a condo.

Oh, I do not know. The man on
the phone sounded very serious.

- Very, very sincere.
- I think he was sincere.

Mom, I'm sorry, but I'm really,
really late for a band rehearsal.

Oh, a rehearsal? How wonderful.
Harlan is already in a band.

Oh, well. Whoop de doo.

How are you and grandpa doing?

- We're fine, dear.
- That's good.

Mom, I'm sorry.
I'll call you later, OK?

We love you. And don't forget to
take your glucosamine.

All right, Mom,
I won't. Bye..

No, no, no.
Don't get up, don't get up.

I have to run to band rehearsal
for a couple of hours. Will you wait for me?

Yeah.

I'll take you to the beach
when you get back.

Do you have a bikini?

No, but I can improvise.

I bet you can.

I'm late.

Really late.
Really late.

Shit.

Hey, white boy.
What's up?

Hi, Alex.
Hi, guys.

Hey, you better move your ass.
Johnny's waiting.

I'm moving as fast as I can.

Get back to work.

Hi, guys.
Sorry I'm late.

- The tamale were delicious.
- Thank you. You're a good guy.

Ready?

Who is it?

It's Bill Holmes.

Who?

Bill Holmes.
With Happy Time Cruise Lines.

Hello, miss.
How are you this morning?

I'm sorry, who are you looking for?

Harlan Woodrif, ma’am.

He's not here right now.
Why don't you come back later.

No, I think we'll come in right now.

Johnny! Johnny, come here.

Five minutes.

What's going on?

Mama's spicy today.

Yeah, I can see that.
But what is she saying?

Johnny is not too impressed with your dancing.
What happened, foo'?

Didn't you practice that tape?

Yeah. I kinda had a rough night.

Anyway, mama says to hell with the
flashy moves when you can play with your heart.

But Johnny just told her to butt out.

Oh! He just said a bad word.

She just said one too.

But it's mama's garage,
so Johnny loses.

He's gonna put you in the band.

- Bueno.
- Bueno.

"Bueno," what?

Welcome to the
Johnny Polanco band, my friend.

Oh shit!

Holy shit!

Tuesday.

Oh God.

Tuesday?

- Hello?
- Hey, asshole.

I went down to the Venice police station
and you didn't turn in the bag.

Screw the bag.
I wanna know where Tuesday is.

Who's Tuesday?

She's a friend.

Fuck me!

What's the matter, Harlan?

They've taken her.

What?

- Al, what the fuck?
- You're being a prick.

- Well, I don't like her tone.
- Just let the lady talk.

I...

I think you might be after
the wrong guy.

Really?

What do you think?

Dwayne, do you think
we have the wrong guy?

I think she's full of shit.

I gotta take a piss.

Can I ask you a question?

Huh?

Yeah.

Who cuts your hair?

Hi, I'm Riley.

Where is the bag?

It's on the table.

Where is the lighter?

- What lighter?
- Silver Zippo,

with a Royal Flush engraved on the side.

- It's them
- Tell them you have what they want.

Hold on!
We never talked. Got it?

I have to answer this.

Hello?

Yo, brother.

Caesar?

Yeah, remember me? I gave you
my house, my bed, my tequila.

I hope you're taking advantage of it.

Sure, sure.
Are you still in New York?

Yeah. Times Square is a drag.
They closed down all the strip clubs.

That's uh... That's too bad.

Hey, are you banging some chick or farm animal,
or something? You sound a little distracted.

It's busy.

Your faggot ass friend
better not be calling the cops,

or that's the last head of
hair you'll cut.

Dwayne,

must you give the girl unnecessarily
anxiety at this moment?

She's almost done.

So, what's in the lighter?
A stolen computer chip, a microfilm, what?

What's so funny?
I don't think this is funny!

- You really don't know, do you?
- No, of course I don't know!

Diamonds.

So, you and Jude
are cat burglars?

No. We're jewelers.

Specialized
in taking high rollers for a ride.

Hello?

Is this lover boy?

- This is Harlan.
- Hello, Harlan.

It's nice to talk to you again.
It's been a long time.

Is Tuesday all right?

Who? Tuesday?
She's fine.

Right?

Say hi.

Harlan?

- I'm OK...
- You see? We're all gentlemen here.

Well, one of us is anyway.

Look, I'm gonna make this very simple.

You bring to us
what is rightfully our employer's

and we'll return
your collateral to you.

I'll do whatever you want,
just please...

Please, don't hurt her

We'll see you in an hour.

In an hour?

I can't.

Can't?

I can, but... later. Look, it's
really complicated, but I can get it.

All right, Harlan, I'm gonna give you
till 5 o'clock, because I'm a charitable guy.

And I know you're not gonna
do anything stupid. Do you know why?

Because then Monday
will be followed by Wednesday.

I'm gonna call you with a location.

You give me your cellphone number.

What is Jude's number?
5-5-5-1-0-8-8.

Now don't you go wandering off on me.

- I won't, sir.
- I believe that.

See, because your friend,
Jude, he wasn't as forthcoming. In fact...

I wouldn't be offended
if he didn't call... ever.

But I will call you, Harlan.
5 o'clock.

See? That was good. Give him the
diamonds and no one's gonna get hurt.

I don't have the fuckin' diamonds! So how
the hell am I supposed to give 'em to anybody?

Oh, by the way. Have you
spoken to Jude lately?

No?
That's 'cause he's dead.

So I think we're a little bit passed
the point of "no one's gonna get hurt" here.

Shut up a second!

God!

I need to to think.

All right, here's the deal:

I want 20,000 grand,

in exchange I'll give you
8 diamonds, exact carat

an exact cut from the ones we took.

But they're not gonna
be real diamonds, are they?

No.

So, you want me to pass off 8 fakeys
to Guido and his sweaty friend

in hopes that this time
they won't notice?

That's my offer.

I don't have that kind of money.

Call me when you do.

No, Riley, Riley!
Wait a minute.

For God's sakes, can you please
just help me. You know the situation.

I don't know anyone on earth
that will give me 20,000 dollars.

Then I suggest you get creative.

- Holy shit!
- So how much do you think it's all worth?

Fuck, man! How the hell should I know
Why don't you ask the antique road show

- Look, I'm serious.
- Me too.

This don't look like your style, man.

I don't have time to explain this.
I'm trying to save a girl's life.

Hey, that sounds all heroic and stuff
but I ain't no fuckin' drug dealer.

That's more up my cousin's alley.

You got a big truck?

- Hey, guys? Are you ready?
- Yeah, let's just go.

- Keep a lookout while we load up the stuff.
- Good idea.

Hey, you better have a fuckin' dolly.
I got a bad back, foo'.

Jesus, it's fuckin' hot in here.

Excuse me.

- I have to go the bathroom.
- Go ahead.

Keep it cracked.

What the fuck?

OK, that shit ain't right.
Can they do that?

Sure. As long as
his G-string stays on.

It's a sumo rule. You must keep
your manhood covered at all times.

So what if his pecker pops out?

That would be a bad thing
and constitute a forfeit of the match.

How do you do, Mr. Shiitake?
And how do you do, Mr. Tempura?

I'm done

Well...

maybe I'm just getting started

Please...

What, what, what?

You wanna please me?

On second thought, what the hell
would I do with your bony ass?

Get the fuck outta here.

Come on, let's go!

Shit.
Hey, we got "bacon."

Cops!
It's the cops, fool.

I'll take care of this.

Shit.

Hi there, officer.

What's going on here?
You moving somewhere?

No. I just bought some stuff
at a garage sale.

You know, I really have to get this truck back
right now, 'cause I'm gonna get hit with overtime.

- It's the police!
- Let's go!

Close the door!

Gentlemen.

Harlan, can you step over here.

- Look, I know what's going on here.
- You do?

If these guys are who I think they are.

I'm not sure.

You should've thought about that before
you hooked up with them, don't you think?

Sir, at this point
I don't know what to think.

Oh, I can see that.

Otherwise you wouldn't have hired a bunch of
illegal aliens to move your furniture, now would you?

Illegal aliens?

Damn.
I'm sorry, I had no idea.

I'm gonna let it slide this time,
but don't do it again.

- Now, is Caesar around?
- Caesar?

- No, he stepped out.
- Again?

All right. You get your truck back
Those late charges can be a killer.

Yes, sir.
Thank you.

3-14 here.

What the fuck was that?

- Everything is cool.
- Cool my ass.

Shit, man. No more fucking surprises.
You follow me.

That means, buckle your ass
to my bumper. You got it, ese?

I got it.

Let's go.

3-14, copy that

Who the fuck is that honking?

Shit!

Shit!

- What the fuck is he doing?
- Maybe he's signaling us.

Shut up.

Oh shit.

Hello?

The old train factory down
on Anderson Street. 45 minutes.

I'll be there.

And, Harlan. Come alone.
We're not fucking around here.

What the fuck am I doing?

- The Anderson's place is right up there, man
- I know.

Fuck!

Shit.

Fuck.

What the fuck?
Are you insane?

- The horn's stuck.
- What?

Hey! Do you mind
stopping that?

- I'm trying, it's stuck
- Shut it off.

Sorry, cous'.
It's all fucked up.

- Junior, fix that shit.
- You got it.

Hi. Harlan Woodriff.

- I made a little bit of a time crunch...
- Fuck you. Open the truck.

What did I tell you, cous'?

OK.

- OK, here's your money, homes
- Thank you, Alex.

I just hope you know what you're doing.

Yeah. I'm not running from this one.

Listen, my sister's she's dating this police ...
He's LAPD. Maybe I can...

No, no, no cops.
I can't take that chance.

OK. Well, you got some big cojones.

Yeah, I'll try to hold on to them.

You do that.
Go get your girl!

Cutting it pretty close, aren't you?

Get in!

- Nice ride
- It's all there.

- And I'm supposed to trust you?
- You know what? Yes.

Time's run out. I gave you the cash.
Now give me the diamonds.

Good. Now get out.

You've changed, Harlan.

Yeah, too bad you never will.

My purse!

Hey!

Motherfucker!

Dwayne, it's gotta be 5 o'clock.

What time is it?

20 seconds later
than the last time you asked, Al.

Oh shit.

What do we have here?

- This can't be him.
- Then who the fuck is it?

Sit the fuck back, bitch.

All right, everybody just
calm the fuck down. Maybe it'll go away.

- It's coming right at us.
- This is fucking wrong.

Sweetheart, is there something
you wanna share with us, huh?

- Now what?
- We wait for him to make the fist move.

Stop right there, motherfucker!

What do you think you're doing?
Don't come any closer

Shit. I'm sorry.
I'm unarmed.

What the fuck's in the truck?

Nothing.

Open it up.

I wanna see Tuesday.

Look through the window.
She's right there.

OK. Come on.

We're gonna walk to the back of the truck
and you're gonna open the door.

Very slowly, no quick moves.

That way nobody gets hurt, okay?

It's all right, Dwayne.
OK. Close it up, come on.

So how do you wanna to do this?

You give me the diamonds,
I give you the girl.

It's that simple

- No! Harlan!
- Al, what the hell's going on?

Just stay with the fucking girl, all right?

Shut that bitch up!
Shut her up!

- Tuesday!
- Did they fuck us?

Yeah, they fucked us. Fucked us right
up the culo, good and hard.

Tuesday!

Fuck you!
Get the fuck off me!

- Tuesday!
- Dwayne, kill the fucking bitch.

What the fuck are you talking about, Al?

If we kill them both we ain't got shit!
We got shit, Al!

Fucking bitch!

Oh my God!

Are you okay?

Go get in the truck!
Go!

Fuck you, motherfucker!

You dumb bitch!

Fuck off!

Well, honey. It sounds like you're
having a wonderful time in California.

We miss you
and send our love

Bye.

I take it, we're not going
on that dang cruise.

I'm afraid not

Hey, amigo.
How about a servesa?

I'd rather have a hot tamale

Mother of God.
What the hell happened to you guys

- Hey, Caesar.
- Welcome back.

Thank you. So, what's going on?
Are you guys fucking?

Show me your hands!
Freeze!

Go!
Come on.

Come on!

Go, go! Rivera,
check the back room!

Caesar Lopez, we have a warrant
to search these premises.

For what?

Come on, Caesar,
do I look stupid to you?

Don't answer that.

I think I found something.
I got a hidden door pad.

I'm screwed, my friend.

Don't panic. No matter what you do,
just act natural.

That's easy for you to say.

There was something growing in there,
but whatever it was, it ain't in there now.

It's not in there?

- What do you mean?
- It's empty

- What?
- What?

Well, it's gotta be
here somewhere.

You wanna turn this place inside out
for a joint, that's your call.

But we're outta here.
Let's go guys. Move 'em out!

No, wait.

Come on!

- Guys!
- Let's go.

The stuff's here.
Come on, I can feel it.

Yeah, feel this.

Fuck!

Caesar, I don't know how
you pulled this one off.

I'm sorry?
What is it you're looking for?

I'm not buying your act!

I got my eye on you.

If you want your nipple ring,
you come pick it up at the station.

What in the fuck just happened?

Shit! I need some tequila.

Yeah, we're out.

We're out of tequila?

Harlan, what happened
to all my weed?

I hate to break it to you, buddy, but...

Your weed's gone, and it
ain't coming back. I'm sorry.

Shit.

What am I going to do?

You know, I should be
thanking you for saving my ass.

You'll have to find a way
to make an honest living.

And how am I supposed to do that?
I'm an artist.

You'll just... have to get
a little creative.