Hot Dog (2018) - full transcript

CHILD PSYCHOLOGY DEPARTMENT
BERLIN - CHARLOTTENBURG

- Maybe it was beginner's luck.
- It wasn't luck.

Somethings wrong with him.

Theo, please take
a good look at the cards.

Okay?

- How are things at your new school?
- Good.

- Have you made any friends?
- No.

Telephone.

Sheep.

When I was seven,
I realized my brain

never forgets
anything it's ever heard or seen.



They call it "photographic memory".

In other words, my head is a chip card

with unlimited memory capacity.

Unfortunately, there are drawbacks

to your brain not having
a "delete" function.

My boy!

Apart from the sex with my mother,

my father was always
my greatest role model.

He was Captain
of the Border Protection Group 10.

Congratulations, Erwin.

Will you join the BPG 10
and chase the bad guys, too?

Our Theo is too sensitive for that.
He's going to be a bookworm.

I looked into the pros and cons
of whether we should be friends.

Point nine...



Experts say that gifted people
tend to be socially awkward.

To be honest, I never thought
I'd be able to impress women.

Point eleven: By studying with me,
you'd improve in most subjects.

Especially in natural sciences,

where your grades
leave a lotto be desired.

- Who is this guy?
- I have no idea.

And I was right.

It's unacceptable
to walk out on this conversation!

That was only point twelve!

The happiest day of my life?

Police Officer Candidate Theo Ransoff.

My swearing-in ceremony at the BPG 10.

I was one of
the intellectual high-flyers,

and I'd finally made my father happy.

This was a moment
of immense joy for me.

We are the perfect combination
of superior intellect

and absolute body control.

My superiors
recognized my true strengths

and assigned me
to the beating heart of the unit.

The armory.

To account for,
record and keep tight control

over the entire inventory.

But even sophisticated systems
have a weakness.

Ours is called...

Luke Steiner.

49, divorced.

43 missions.

And 29 warning notices.

He's the most successful officer
the BPG 10 ever had.

And also the oldest.

That weapon wasn't properly signed out
by the previous user.

That means I can't let you take it.

- Is something wrong?
- Know who you remind me of?

My aunt Helga.

Rules only make sense
if we all stick to them.

Exactly what Helga would've said.

You even look a bit like her.

And this doesn't belong here!

There's an armed robbery
in progress at a museum downtown.

There are hostages.
The exhibits are church treasures,

which are not only sacred,
but also damn expensive!

The government promised the Pope
we'd do everything possible

to secure the relics.

That means
we are not to damage anything.

If there's even a scratch on anything,
you'll be on patrol duty tomorrow.

Questions?

My name is, A, not Helga!

And I am, B, not a woman!

And, C, since the day I was born,

my penis has been much bigger
than the German average!

So there!

Glad we're all clear on that.
Come on, guys!

Get into the vehicles.

Bring everything back in good condition.

Good luck, boys.

Don't let them provoke you.

I'll take over.

All units get in position.

- He's doing something.
- I see it.

They're coming out.

They've got a child. It's a girl!

We don't understand what you're saying!

We want a helicopter.
You have 30 minutes.

30 minutes.

One minute more and... boom!

Stand down. Let's stay calm.

Do you all copy? Steiner?

Has anyone seen Steiner?

Steiner, I forbid you
from entering the crime scene!

He's crazy.

Steiner, de-escalate the situation.
De-escalate at once!

What are they shooting at?

Steiner, retreat immediately.

If I hear one more shot,
one single shot...

I know he thinks I'm ridiculous, but
couldn't he ignore me like the others?

Don't take it personally.

Steiner's a bully.
Typical foster home child.

His mother left them when he was young.
His father beat him and drank.

When he went to beat his sister,

Steiner knocked him outwith a bottle.

He was seven at the time.

Poor boy. He was only seven.

He found out early
that talking doesn't bring much.

What's with the lights?
I need lights in there!

Kalle. Where are you?

- Boss, the Vatican.
- The Vati-what?

The Vatican.

- I'm not there.
- They can hear you.

- Drop it.
- It was all just for fun.

- The power's back.
- "The power's back"?

- Turn on the damn lights then!
- Turn on the lights.

Turn on the lights!

We're going home now, okay?

The operation was a success.

BPG 1 O HEADQUARTERS

A success? Really?

You destroyed a historical, unique
church window worth 11.6 million euros!

11.6 million?
It wasn't even double-glazed.

You also disobeyed
the explicit orders of your superior.

And that would be me.
I'm your damn superior!

I saved a child.
And eleven other hostages, too.

- Pure luck.
- Luck had nothing to do with it.

I can't believe it.

Hey!

I had to wait five years
for the car you're leaning on!

Its bulletproof windows
laugh in the face of AK-47s.

If there's a scratch on it,
you're going to the pound.

- Why the pound?
- No one would pick him there either.

Here.

BPG 10 SHOOTS VATICAN

See what you've done?

Your luck will run out at some point
and I'll have to attend your funeral.

If you keep smoking like that,
I'll be attending yours.

You are hilarious.

- Good day. I have a parcel for...
- Get out!

I had to meet with the mayor.

I had to kiss every ass
from here to the Chancellor's Office!

Tic Tao?

The Interior Secretary wants you fired.

- And you said "no".
- No.

I said "yes".

With a big smile on my face
and a warm, fuzzy feeling.

Again?

Yes, in case
there's an opening in the task force.

It's the 16th time in three months.

It couldn't have been that many.

You will report here.

You can come back when you prove to me
that you've come to your senses.

And now say, "Thanks, Mother".

- I'm not a night watchman.
- You are as of today.

I have 15 applications from you
to join the task force. And now this?

- Is it really the 16th?
- In three months.

- You're a big fan of Steiner, right?
- Well...

Let's just say 'colleague'.

Know what? It's your lucky day.

I have the perfect job for you.

BELLEVUE PALACE, BERLIN

SIDE ENTRANCE

Mr. Steiner...

What a unique opportunity, guarding
our Head of State's headquarters!

- Guarding the door to the stairwell.
- And willing to sacrifice our lives.

Why don't we just work in silence?

- Stay quiet and concentrate.
- Sure.

Staying quiet and concentrating
is my thing.

As quiet and silent as a ninja.

Where are you going?
We need to stand guard!

- To take a dump.
- That's what the lunch break is for!

I think you're lost.

We can't leave our posts
without the case officer's permission.

I need to take a dump, Helga.

Permission can be granted
in writing or orally.

Or with your partner's consent,
and that would be me.

We're not partners. I'm in the BPG 10.
You're a girl in a poncho.

- Now close the door.
- I'm not a girl.

- The door is closed.
- From the outside.

...a stroke of luck for German history.

Our country's aim was...

So, how was your first day?

It was great.
My partner and I clicked right away.

We trust each other blindly.

Have you met the President yet?

He's guarding
the entrance to the garage.

To the stairwell.

Theo got more points
on the aptitude test than you did.

Ten-finger typing
doesn't guarantee he'll join the unit.

You could invite
your new friend over for dinner.

I don't think he's into canapés.

- I'm so proud of you.
- Where's the remote?

Thanks, Mom.

- Inge?
- Back there, on the left.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- You still haven't unpacked.
- I have. These are my girlfriend's.

Oh! The blonde inflatable one?

She's hot and doesn't complain
when I come home late.

She'll soon realize
her new guy only cares about one thing.

His job, his job and his job.

Everything else comes much later.

- I thought you'd be bringing Ella.
- She's with friends.

It's past eight.

They're around the corner,
eating kebabs.

What a relief! They say kebabs are great
for preventing unwanted pregnancies.

She's on the pill.

She's on the pill?
Since when is she on the pill?

And Why?

For a few months now. Do me a favor
and stop acting so panicky.

We're talking about contraception,
not crack or ecstasy.

- Here.
- What am I getting her this time?

Suede boots.

This is the last time
I get your present for her.

I've nothing to worry about.
You'll never change.

It's a good thing we both never change.

That's why separating
was such a great idea.

Don't forget to call tomorrow.

Good night, Hanna.

Good night, Daddy.

- You're not wearing your helmet.
- It's enough if one of us looks stupid.

- The top button should be done up.
- Would you shut up?

- You're violating regulations.
- Which I'm sure you know by heart.

Paragraph 9, section 3: Alcohol abuse
can lead to disciplinary problems,

resulting in
the removal from official duties,

or the loss of entitlement to pension.

So you're also funny without alcohol.

- I'm not funny.
- You don't say!

Who's that chick?

The honorable Mascha Tatjana Butkina.

Daughter of the Moldovan President
Semjon Michailovitsch Butkin

and his wife Viktorija Elena Butkina.

She went to the best schools
in England, Germany and Switzerland,

and she's revered by everyone
who hopes for political change.

Baby, you can suck from my straw.

Excuse me, could you tell me
where I can get rid of this?

I can never find a trash can
in these palaces.

There's a waste
separation system in place

in the utility room, which can be used
by staff and guests at any time.

I thank you on behalf
of all guests and staff.

Thank you.

I'm a great admirer of your work.

You speak Romanian!

A little.

Duty calls.
It was a pleasure to meet you, Mr...

Eheo.Eheo.

- Eheo,
- A real pleasure, Eheo.

I'm Mascha.

- Mascha!
- You were very kind to me.

That doesn't happen often.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Great conversation.

That's how love goes.

It can strike like lightning.

Mascha and I are one and the same.

I should ask her out to dinner.
Something classy.

With candles, and decorative plants
and gondolas. Yes, gondolas.

- She won't go outwith you.
- Why not?

Because she's a girl.
Girls can sniff out virgins.

- I'm an Aries.
- Man, I'm not talking about star signs.

Just so you know,
I've already had intercourse.

Oral, vaginal and anal!

Does your butt hurt now?

Welcome to Bellevue Palace.

I won't stand for such insinuations.

I'm a highly skilled agent.
This is hardcore police work.

- It's okay, Helga!
- Good evening.

Excuse me. Do you have a tissue?

My nose is bleeding.

That's disgusting.

What about my tissue?

Here. Use this, okay?

Come on, let's go.

Happy birthday!
I was about to call.

Dad'?
- What is it?

Why are you dressed like that?

I've been promoted.
I look after the President now.

No one
will take you seriously like that.

Did you like the boots?
I picked them out myself.

No, you didn't. Mom did, as always.

I just wanted to make sure
my favorite daughter got the right ones.

- You could've stopped by.
- We'll celebrate later. Just us two.

By the way,
your mom said something about the pill.

- She was joking, right?
- Everyone is taking it, okay?

What?

I didn't want to be
the only one not on it.

Aren't you too young for that?

It's none of your business.

How dare you talk to me like that?
I'm your dad!

Funny you only remember that
when you're mad.

Now, you listen to me, missy...

- What's with the chopper?
- What chopper?

- The one behind you.
- Don't change the subject.

- I'm not done yet.
- No, Dad. We're so done here.

Wow.

Ella?

Your dad looks after the President?

- Is he a bodyguard?
- A bodyguard?

No, he's in some kind of special unit.

What's wrong?

- But he knows about us, right?
- Of course! He's chill.

I can't believe it.

Hands up! Surrender!
I'm a police officer.

- Help!
- Mascha?

Help!

Mascha, I'm coming!

Do something!

What do they want from me?

They'll kill me!

Save the President's daughter!

Mr. Steiner! My glasses!

Excuse me.

Mr. Steiner! Don't panic.
I've calculated your position of fall.

I'll catch you!

Mr. Steiner!

We got you!

Sorry. I lost my glasses,
and dust always gives me pink eye.

Fuck.

This isn't a "fuck".

This isn't even fuck's
ugly, fat older sister.

This is a massive fuck tornado

which hit me
right in the kisser at full-force!

Here.

16 million, or you can scrape
the President's daughter off the wall.

Or whatever's left of her.

Mascha...

You were very kind to me.

27 million clicks. That's 27 million
people who are laughing at our unit.

I think I speak
for both of us when I say

we'll start
the investigation immediately.

- That's so nice of you.
- It goes without saying.

You know what? You're both off the case.

But we haven't even started yet.

You're both suspended!
Period. Done. Finito.

Get out!

Steiner!

If I find out that this mess
was even a tiny bit your fault,

then I'll crucify you.

I'll make a cross out of old crates

and nail you to it
as a warning to everyone else!

Your days as Cowboy Steiner
are now over!

I can't be suspended.
Not on my second day.

What will I tell my parents?

Thanks for making me lose my job.

- I'm sorry, Mr. Steiner.
- You're a disgrace to the unit.

Is everything Okay?

Helga?

Helga!

Everything's going to be okay.

You're just hyperventilating.

No crying now.

Blow.

That's good.

Breathe in.

And blow.

Yes.

Keep blowing.

Is this an unused condom?

It was, until last night.

Hey! It's nothing personal.

Boss, the Interior Secretary.

She should powder her nose
or send her husband a smiley.

She should wait like everyone else!

I'm afraid she doesn't have the time.

The opposition demands your resignation

and now wants to tear open
your old, wrinkly ass more than ever.

As for the smileys,
she refrains from such acts.

She's happily divorced,
just like your wife.

Of course, Madam Secretary.

- What's the plan?
- I'll find the girl and get my job back.

- How exactly?
- As always.

I'll beat someone up
until they tell me what I need to know.

- Awesome. I'll come with you.
- Nope.

- Yes, it's my duty as your partner.
- We're not partners.

We have to save Mascha.
She expects us to.

Well, me.

She doesn't even know your real name.

I'm used to that.

Go back to your computer.

I'm the only witness.

They were masked.
You didn't even see their faces.

One has a scar behind his right ear,

a silver earring
with Celtic symbols on the left ear,

black suede sneakers
with nylon supports,

a digital men's quartz watch,
as well as a tattoo on the lower arm,

of a snake with an open mouth.

How do you know all that?

Photographic memory.

A freak of nature,
but I'm freakishly good.

Hey! Do I speak French?

Hey! Don't you ever shut up?

Okay. You drive.
I'm a very experienced passenger.

Hey! Don't touch it.

Very well, but in that case
I might have to tell

the Federal Criminal Police Chief
to check your phone.

I'm quite certain
that your last private call

was made at the same time
as the abduction.

You miserable little rat.

Rats are highly intelligent animals.

I'll be quiet.

Welcome to McDonald's.
How may I help you?

A Big Mac, large fries
with mayo and a coffee.

- Would that be all?
- No.

First off, good day.

I'd like a double cheeseburger,

but no onions or pickles,

with tomato instead,
double mustard sauce

and no ketchup.

- What?
- No ketchup.

Double cheese
doesn't come with tomato.

Which burger comes with tomato,
but without pickles or onion?

The Hamburger Royal TS
comes without pickles.

No. Then I'll have a vanilla milkshake
with a dash of strawberry.

- Thank you'.
- Hurry up, man!

- Hurry up, man!
- You're taking forever!

Mr. Steiner, we need to come up with
a code to use in an emergency.

What do you think?
A code word. Like a safe word...

Listen up, Helga.
I'll only say this once.

You're nothing more than a witness.

If you see, hear or remember anything,
then you'll tell me.

- If not, keep quiet.
- I really need to breathe now.

And we won't be having
any shitty code words,

just because all you know about police
work comes from the "idiot's Handbook".

- I was top of my class.
- We also have hot dogs.

Hot dog.

We'll take two hot dogs.

"Hot dog", Mr. Steiner.

It's easy to recall.
And it's not too long.

And everyone likes sausages.

Unless you're a vegetarian.

So, where to now?

EMBASSY OF MOLDOVA

- That's the embassy of Moldova.
- Yeah, now I see it.

We're suspended.
We shouldn't be near the embassy.

I need binoculars
in order to see anything.

We're far, far away from any embassy.

Give me those!

- Give me... Give me those!
- Hands off.

- It's for your own safety.
- Let go!

I'll smash your head with them.

Who do we have here?

Steiner, you're not supposed to be here.

Or do I need to tell Hanna
you're in trouble again?

Oh, didn't she tell you?
What a chatterbox I am.

We went out a couple of times.
You know, I always liked your Hanna.

- We can talk better now, can't we?
- What did you just say?

- That I went outwith your Hanna.
- Before that?

That you and your buddy should piss off.

Steiner, stop it!

Let me go, you asshole!

You'll pay for this, Steiner!
I'll make sure of it!

- Is this attack linked to...
- Shut up!

Boss?

- Hedmann on line three.
- Who?

Hedmann.

Hey, Arno. I was just about to call you.

Congratulations, first of all.

You'd better keep your
amateur cops exactly where they are.

Far away from my investigation.
Am I clear? Am I clear?

Of course.

I wanted to ask if you could put in
a good word for me with the Secretary.

As a friend and new Head
of the Federal Criminal Police Office.

I won't tell her shit!

Keep Steiner out of it. Understood?

Of course.

Arno'?

Will trespassing on embassy property
get us in trouble?

I'm counting on it.

Okay. You're counting on it.

I need some information.

- That wasn't very nice.
- What did he say?

"Get out of here,
you lovers of hairy asses."

- Is that what he said?
- Yes.

Listen up, dickface.

Mascha: friends, enemies
and weekend hangouts.

What does she do
when she gets in your car?

I take her to the "Bunker" twice a week,
but I don't know who she meets there.

- There we go.
- Mr. Steiner... Do you have a moment?

Please excuse my overzealous colleagues.

We're a young country,

and many of us
have paid a high price for our freedom.

We still get jumpy when we feel...

under attack.

Mascha's parents are...

in a bad state.

Mascha is...

Mascha is my godchild.
I watched her grow up.

She's a clever and brave girl.

She always supported her father
during his political struggle.

I was so happy
to see her in your country.

In safety.

And now...

Please, excuse me.

We understand.

It would be an honor, as members
of the Border Protection Group 10,

to bring Mascha back.

Thank you so much.

- So, what is this damn "Bunker"?
- You don't know what the "Bunker" is?

How old are you?

Heroin, cocaine, LSD, crystal meth, pot
and all the other tooth-rotting stuff.

A fuck shack with party drugs.
If only her godfather knew.

Back of the line!

- Border Protection Group 10, my dear.
- Helga!

Helga? ls there a Helga here?

No?

How many times
do I have to say I'm not Helga?

Your behavior undermines
my authority as an agent.

- You mean "lady agent".
- Watch it, now.

Mr. Steiner?

Mr. Steiner?

What are you doing here?

It's no big deal. Mom knows.

Oh, really? Let's ask her then.

What's that? Your school ID?

This will wipe that smile off your face.

The rise is 12...

and the run is 14.

Conclusion: the stairs are too narrow.

These are dwarf stairs.

I'd like to talk
to the owner at once.

Boss.

- You have a problem with my stairs?
- In this case, I'll make an exception.

A tiny exception.

You let her go to her friend Michelle's
so they can study together?

Thanks.Bye.

Do I really have to give you a talk
about keeping promises?

No. You know nothing about that.

- Michelle!
- Here.

You two, beat it.

What's this?

- My boyfriend.
- Don't you mean "friend"?

- Yes.
- No.

- Have you touched my daughter?
- No.

- Dad...
- I smell a lie.

- I don't smell anything.
- You're a sweet little guy.

The guys in preventive detention
will be very happy to meet you.

The guys in
preventive detention? Really?

Can't you be cool for once? It's my
first time here and you're freaking out.

Is everything okay, Ella?

Yes.

- How does this bum know your name?
- No idea.

Stop bothering our regulars, you pedo.

She's underage and if you ever allow her
in here again, I'll break your fingers.

Go home and do your homework.

Get out of here!

You tell me where the control room is.

I'll eat your little face,
Napoleon Dynamite.

- Then scarf down the rest of you.
- "Hot Dog". "Hot Dog".

- "Hot Dog"!
- I'll kill you!

I hate your film, Napoleon!

Evening. I need the hard disks.

Hold him up, Kevin.
I want to have some fun.

Mr. Steiner, there's something...

Get down, Lilliputian.

Fuck you, Kojak!
I'm going to bite your ugly face off.

Come. Let's go.

- I can't believe you assaulted a dwarf.
- The little guy wanted to eat my face.

- That's no reason to break his nose.
- It was only a tiny nose.

And you shouldn't say "dwarf".
It's offensive and discriminating.

You're correcting me?

Dwarf! Dwarf! Dwarf!

- My mother is a little person.
- What?

I used to cry as a kid
when people called her "dwarf".

Oh, God. I'm so sorry. I didn't know.

I... I'm... I'm so terribly sorry.

You're such an idiot.

- Was that a lie?
- Here you go. The hard disk.

You perform well
in dangerous situations,

but your impulse control needs work.

Who cares?

Statistically, you have the highest
success rate in armed conflicts.

But you also have
the most disciplinary actions.

You were even forced to attend
an anti-aggression training,

which was cancelled after ten minutes

when you got into a fight
with six of the eight participants.

- Pass me the map.
- The map? Yes.

Here.

Not that one! The atlas.

Oh, the atlas.

The atlas.

I'm not aggressive. I've just been
in a bad mood for the last 20 years.

That's unusual.
The tapes are all encoded.

- Then decode them.
- I can't.

Then find someone who can.

So? Can you fix it or not?

It's not broken, just coded.

- Yeah, coded.
- ls being a smart-ass contagious?

They're using a hybrid of
symmetrical and asymmetrical encryption.

Way too elaborate
for a normal surveillance camera.

Is what we're doing here
actually legal?

It's our only lead.

If not, I could call headquarters so...

If you crack it, then...

Then he'll kiss you,
tongue and all. Okay?

No, it is not okay!

- Any self-respecting woman would say...
- Okay.

It'll take all night.
You can crash here.

What the hell?

Are you comfy, Mr. Steiner?
It's quite hard down here.

It's quite hard without a mattress.

The chick has the hots for you.

No, we're just friends.

You can sleep with your friends
if they're hot.

She's not hot. Nicki is one of
the best hackers of her generation.

I doubt that's her only talent.

Check it out.

I don't want to.

Oops.

Your degrading behavior towards women
is typical of men of your generation.

At least men of my generation
had fun at your age.

Yes, and STDs.

Here you are.

Practice on that.

Barn! Mama's just good.

Get up, you bum.

Oh, no!

I hope you used protection.

Things aren't always as they seem.

Things are usually as they seem.

Who is she talking to?

Boris Bohmann. They call him "Bobo".

He had quite a criminal record
as a youth.

After his release, he bought a farm
and has been off the radar ever since.

How the hell does he know that?

- He looks at mug shots when he's bored.
- No way.

Wait. Play back
that image sequence again.

- The entire evening?
- Play it at 18x speed.

He just wants to show off now.

Stop.

That's the tattoo!
He's one of the kidnappers.

Wow.

I love your brain.

- Are you sure?
- Yes! Photographic memory-sure.

Were there any kids at school
who didn't run away from you?

- Not a single one.
- Come on. Let's go.

Okay.

- Are you okay?
- I cracked the code.

- Time for my kiss, tongue and all.
- I can't.

- Why not?
- Because...

- Something wrong with your tongue?
- No. We're colleagues.

Intimate relationships...

- It's a kiss, not an orgy. Come on.
- Wait!

Besides, I'm...

I'm already taken.

- Who is it?
- I'm so sorry.

He doesn't like to wait.

Wait! Stop!

- Let's go.
- This is a punishable offense.

- So what?
- We're cops.

- Oh, man, I'm not sure about this.
- Just open it.

- Type in the damn code!
- Turn around.

- Is it an ATM or something?
- I won't do it otherwise.

Everything my heart desires.

The daughter of the Moldovan President,

abducted before the very eyes of BPG 10
agents at the presidential residence,

is still in the hands of her abductors.

This security disgrace
is the first performance test

for Arno Hedmann, the new head
of the Federal Criminal Police,

who has barely held the position
for four weeks.

Boss? We have an unauthorized
removal of weapons in the armory.

What's missing?

Everything, actually.

Who had access?

Find Steiner.
I want him found and I want him crushed!

I want him dead or alive. I don't care!

I want those two morons found right now!

I want those...

Hey! Stop right there.

What are you waiting for? Go!

Shut the damn gate! Shut it!

Stop! Stop!

Stop! Stop! Stop them!

Shit! Stop, I said! No!

Those bums!

What if Bobo
has nothing to do with the abduction?

What if Bobo simply
cuts asparagus out there?

Exactly.

Yeah, keep making fun of me.

And the guy with the tattoo
just happened to be there?

No, I'm not giving him
a good social forecast.

We're all going to jail.
We're going to jail!

But it's okay.
We're driving to Brandenburg.

- We're doomed.
- Brandenburg is awesome.

- Why is it so dark all of a sudden?
- Because we're in Brandenburg.

BOBO BOHMANN'S CATTLE RANCH
BRANDENBURG

Harvesting asparagus
must be lucrative again.

I need to stretch my legs.

Hey! We're not
at a health spa concert evening!

We don't stretch our legs.

The chance of getting thrombosis
is 40% higher during long stakeouts.

Don't forget your
compression socks next time, Helga.

Why "Helga"?

He behaves like my aunt
and looks like her, too.

Your aunt must be
damn good-looking then.

Feminizing your partner
by using female names...

- We're not partners.
- ... Is a classic psychological pattern.

Appreciation through degradation.

The suppression of one's own failures by
over-emphasizing the mistakes of others.

Pass me the flashlight.

Okay.

- There you go.
- Not that one! The bigger one.

Oh, the bigger one.

The bigger one. Here you are.

It would appear
that Mr. Steiner is still mad at me

for surrendering
to superior armed forces,

while he was on a private call
with his daughter during the attack.

Oh, yeah.

Bobo breeds cattle.
Here's the ground plan.

- What are those?
- Skylights. Looks like a cellar.

If so, it's a damn big cellar.

You stay here.

Don't just play on your laptops.
Feel free to fool around.

That was my chance.

Chance for what?

To prove that I can do it.

And that I'm not the weirdo
they all think I am.

Not all of them.

Okay, there are three possibilities.

- A: You're shy.
- I'm not shy.

- B: You don't know how it's done.
- How what's done?

C: You're gay and into Steiner.

And that's fine.

I am not gay.

- You shouldn't feel ashamed.
- But I am not g...

I love Mascha.

I didn't mean to...

I...

I'll go check on Steiner.
I'm sure he's already in trouble.

My partner.

Mr. Steiner? Mr. Steiner?

Mr. Steiner?

Mr. Steiner?

Mr. Steiner!

Mr. Steiner.

Why not just go ring the doorbell?

If you thought less about yourself
and more about your colleagues,

then no one would have
to call out your name.

Weapons boxes.

A tissue.

No tissues here.

- What's our plan?
- Our plan? It goes like this.

You'll go back to the car
and grab a chocolate bar,

and I'll go in there and beat up Bobo
until he gives us Mascha.

Sounds very clear.

Except for point A, the chocolate,

and lacking my own ideas
for storming the building, I agree.

Who said anything about "agreeing"?
I make the decisions.

We must improve
your team-working skills.

Cow Number 661, 36.3 pounds, Frankfurt.

- Okay.
- What cow weighs 36.3 pounds?

The question is,
what on the cow weighs 16.5 kilos?

- Fancy a doner kebab?
- Are you for real? I need meat!

- With the works?
- Garlic sauce is my eau de toilette.

- Come on, dude.
- Eau de toilette!

With the works.

Now?

If you had to transport drugs
across the entire country,

where would you hide them?

- Somewhere no one would suspect?
- Exactly.

- No, no, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.

- Yes, yes.
- No, no.

Mr. Steiner, why me?

Because I'm your superior.

- You're not my superior.
- You have longer arms.

- I... No, I don't.
- Do it!

Mr. Steiner...

- Man!
- Go on.

- Oh, man!
- Do it.

Okay.

Okay. Okay.

- Aren't there gloves for such things?
- Like these ones?

Mr. Steiner,
I think I've found something.

- Good. Pull it out.
- I feel something.

- Good.
- There's something.

Fuck!

That wasn't so bad, was it?

It's so disgusting.

Naughty Bobo.

The place is like a fortress.

Every fortress has a weak point.

We don't know how many
armed people are in there.

- So what?
- What if the danger grows exponentially?

Then we'll exponentially crush them.

Mr. Steiner, "Hot Dog"!

Bless you.

"Mascha..."

"I love Mascha."

That stupid Moldovan cow.

Where's your weapon?

- In the car.
- What? Why is your weapon in the car?

- It was a spontaneous decision.
- What?

What if they shoot at you?
Will you blabber them to death?

Armed conflicts can often be solved with
a de-escalating communication strategy.

"Crisis prevention and Formation".

Robert M. Buttweber,
third edition, pages 14 to...

Could you get me the flashlight again?

- How stupid do you think I am?
- Do you want an honest answer to that?

Guys,
I think you need couples therapy.

- How did you get up here?
- The fire escape?

It's way too dangerous.

What could happen to me
with two such competent agents around?

She called us "agents".
Meaning both of us. One, two.

- Mascha! Mascha!
- Leo!

- This is all my fault!
- She's right about that.

You were at a dance. You couldn't
have known what they were planning.

Well, she didn't meet them
at bible study.

- Nicki, she's in shock.
- So am I.

No, she's right.
I was stupid. So incredibly stupid.

Can't you chat later? We have to go.

- I know the way.
- Down the fire escape...

She's completely nuts!

Show some compassion.
Mascha is traumatized.

- Theo!
- Can't you do what I say for once?

Mascha, we're the good guys!

Relationships formed under exceptional
circumstances have no future.

Quite the opposite. A strong bond is
formed, which makes them inseparable.

- This isn't inseparable!
- Hello?

Mascha!

Mascha.

Theo, Luke! Lovely to see you again.

- Mascha.
- And you brought a friend along.

To our great pleasure,
as of a few minutes ago,

three BPG 10 agents
have become our additional hostages.

Together with the President's daughter,
we see it as fair to double the ransom.

32 Million.

You can't go back
to Mama and Papa yet.

You have to be of use
to your godfather for a while longer.

No!

Bobo?

No! No!

Mascha!

Mascha!

She's been a nervous person
since childhood.

If you touch her I'll take away
your wheelchair, shrivel legs.

What did you call me?

You cross-eyed? I'm talking to him.

He doesn't mean it that way.
He's soft on the inside.

Don't worry.
I'm not taking it personally.

So, what shall we do with you now?

How about a sack race?

A sack race!

I have a much better idea.

Ta-dah!

How about rope hanging?

- Gentlemen, it's show time!
- Where's Nicki?

She'll make so many friends here.

We're letting her
have some fun, before we...

You pigs!

You need a lot of money

if you want to topple
a pro-European, democratic government,

which also happens to be poisoning
our people with imported Western values.

- You want to shoot your own people?
- No. I'll have them shot.

Well, it was lovely chatting with you,
but I've got my hands full.

Our lovely Bobo
will look after you from now on.

Mr. Steiner, it's the snake.

I'm so scared.

It's best
if you don't antagonize Mr. Bobo.

You buffoons ruined my TV evening.

A fat slob like yourself
should get off the couch more often.

Fat slob!

Mr. Steiner is only joking.

Joking. You're not fat.
Not even a little bit.

You must be big-boned.

Or perhaps it's hypothyroidism?

Or it's congenital,
as your mother was...

We've just been told
by the Department of the Interior

that the abduction of the daughter
of the President of Moldova

is connected with Lukas Steiner.

Investigation authorities
appear to have no leads

regarding the perpetrators' identities.

It also appears
that the security forces' utter failure

is due to bad personnel choices
made by Chief Inspector Reiners,

who heads the department.

Boss, the Interior Secretary
is on line three again.

Want to hear a nice story?

My mother wanted me to work at a bank.

Just like my cousin Helmut.

He works at the bank.
He's always in a good mood.

Do you understand?

If I were born again,

I'd also work at a bank.

I'd work at a bank.

- Where is he?
- Having breakfast. His hand hurts.

But he sends his regards
and says he'll be back.

I don't want to die yet.

You're old,
but I've got my entire life ahead of me.

It looks like it'll be a short one.

I don't want to die a virgin.

- A virgin? But you told me...
- I lied, okay?

Quit whining, man. I love you, okay?

- Really?
- Are you kidding me?

No one's ever loved me.

Other than my parents.

And Ruth.

Your brother?

My guinea pig.

Hey, we'll get out of here
without a scratch.

Then I'll get you
a really nice date, okay?

- Really?
- No. We're probably going to die.

At least I won't be alone
on Christmas Eve then.

Besides, I know nothing about women.

The only one I ever loved left me.

And my daughter left with her.

What's wrong now?

The story is so sad.
About your wife and daughter.

Hey! We'll get out of here, okay?

Really?

- What are you doing?
- Make yourself heavy.

I have to pee.

I have to pee!

Excuse me?

Little girl bladder.

Then you'll have to help me.

The button's a bit tricky,

but I'm not wearing any panties.

It's your lucky day, Sweetie.

Bad things always happen
in corridors like these.

Shut up.

And now?

- Right. Right.
- Why right?

Because my brain never fails
and I know the floor plan.

- Are you sure?
- Dead sure.

You said you knew the floor plan.

I have trouble telling left from right.

Don't worry! We're police officers.

- Oops.
- Come on!

Really? Can't tell left from right?
ls there any quirk you don't have?

Thanks, Mr. Steiner.

Man oh man, that was crazy.

You're as good as dead, you fat cow.

I am not fat!

Whoa! Hey!

You're a very attractive,
likable man of small stature.

I'm a woman working
in a male-dominated field.

We're outsiders.
We should work together.

Oh, my God! I'm so happy to see you.

So happy-

It would've taken years to pay for
the guns for the coup with drug money.

But with the ransom
for the stupid Germans,

we were able to buy weapons
worth 32 million euros in one go.

And in three hours,
I'll be the President of Moldova.

Nobody move,
and hands where I can see them.

Goddammit, put that thing away!

And why would I do that?

Crack is produced by mixing cocaine,
hydrochloride and sodium bicarbonate.

The procedure is highly combustible,
meaning one spark and it all explodes.

Finally, someone
who paid attention in chemistry class.

Your piece.

I'd gladly hand over mine,
but I left it in the car on purpose,

to avoid unnecessary escalation
in a situation of conflict. See?

I am so sorry, Steiner.

- Surprise.
- Are you crazy? You don't hit women!

You really haven't changed at all.

Your superior was lovely enough

to task Mr. Hedmann
with handing over of the ransom.

What can I say, Steiner?

Some offers are too good to refuse.

Good for you. And for us.
One less asshole for us to greet.

Does anyone else know you're here?

The cops? The military?
The Federal Intelligence Service?

Bobo, first in the legs,
then the arms and then all the rest.

Know what?
I always slept during chemistry.

- Shit.
- Keys!

- Shit.
- The keys!

- They were here somewhere.
- "Were"?

- Somewhere...
- Where did you last see them?

- That stupid question never helps!
- How can you forget such a thing?

Not every brain
is like a damn instant camera!

A log.

Found them!

- Go after them! Get them!
- Come on!

Bring me their heads!

- We'll die!
- It's bulletproof, man!

You can shoot all you want, you morons!

- Roll up the window.
- It's bullet...

There's a major fire caused by
an explosion at a farm in Brandenburg.

Wonderful.

We located your car via satellite
close to the location of the explosion.

I'm sure it was Steiner.

Yeah... Unfortunately,
we've lost contact with the satellite.

Contacts come,
and contacts go...

And it would appear
that Hedmann has disappeared

with the 32-million-euro ransom.

Yeah, I'm sure he'll bring it back.

He's a Federal Criminal Police Officer.

You drove well for a woman.

Thanks. Statistically, accident rates
are one third higher for men.

True. My mom can back into
a parking space better than I can.

I'll take your word for it.

- She drove me to dodge ball practice.
- I'm sure you were good at it.

- I was better at jazz dancing.
- Jazz dancing?

Yes! I was really flexible.

Truck!

Shit.

Oh, man!

I'm sorry.

So sorry.

Theo?

Mr. Steiner?

Here.

- It's time for a new plan.
- What kind of a plan?

Strangers tortured us
and wanted to hang and shoot us.

And break our legs! The closing act
was nearly being blown up.

Helga's back.

If you want out,
the next bus comes in...

20 minutes.

It's the truck with the weapons.

Come on!

SWIECKO, POLISH BORDER

Think, Theo.
Where are they heading?

Easy.

The only possible destination
for such an operation near the border

is an abandoned Russian airbase
the Red Army gave up when they withdrew.

I find it incredibly hard
not to hit him at such times.

Those are eyelash extensions.

They can't be real.
Just like her breasts.

- Her breasts are real.
- How would you know?

- I felt them when she gave me her shake.
- Could you pass me the jack?

JEZEWO AIRBASE

Jezewo.

What now?

Now we make a house call.

A house call?

They're not burnt out
security guys guarding Walmart.

- They're elite soldiers.
- Just like me.

"Just like me". Of course!
They're dozens, maybe hundreds!

Backing down, Helga?

Would you cut the "Helga" bullshit?

I've put up with it long enough.
You're not alone. We're a team!

In a team, you look out for each other.

You protect your partner's life
as if it were your own. Get it?

But we're the only family
you've got right now.

Your own family
wants nothing to do with you.

Okay, squeeze.

Until I no longer breathe.
Go on. I'm not scared of death.

If you happen to come by my grave,
you'll read the inscription:

"Here lies Theo Ransoff.

Hopeful candidate
for a leading position at the BPG 10.

Murdered by
his former role model, Luke Steiner,

who couldn't cope with his wife
leaving him in his midlife crisis."

Mr. Steiner...

I think Theo is right.
We can't really do anything here.

We should tell the Interior Secretary
or the authorities.

The guns will be in the air by then.
And Mascha too.

Okay, then do something!

Turn the lights on
if you get scared of the dark.

I'll let you know when I need a taxi.

You shouldn't have said that
about his wife.

But I was right.

That's not the point. Some things you
keep to yourself, even if it's true.

I just know that not everything
in life can be calculated.

Or learned by heart.

Love is complicated.

Sometimes you just have to believe
that you're doing the right thing.

Even if others don't agree.

No need to worry.
Jezewo is a maximum-security site.

He can't get in.
He'll be back in five minutes.

Our troops
surrounded the capital this morning.

No one gets in or out.

Once we airdrop the weapons
and our 50,000 men get their equipment,

we can storm the parliament
and the seat of the President.

The regular army has nothing
to match our firepower.

Moldova is yours, Mr. President.

I'm proud of you.

Surprise.

Don't even think about it.

Bobo...

The brave prince
has come to the dragon's lair

to face the bad guys.

- Just like in a fairytale.
- Yes.

And we all know how cruel
those endings can be.

I never thought I'd sink so low,
but... "Hot Dog".

"Hot Dog".

- I have something on channel one.
- Hello? Mr. Steiner?

Please repeat.

"Hot Dog".

- I don't understand. Once again.
- "Hot Dog".

"Hot Dog".

We can't understand you.
You're mumbling.

I don't get it. Did he say "Hot Shots"?

"Hot Shots".

Do you mean the film?
With Charlie Sheen?

Your hearing is so bad! "Hot Dog"!

- "Hot Dog"!
- "Hot Dog"?

- Did you mean "Hot Dog"?
- "Hot Dog"!

He said "Hot Dog"!

Having a code word is a fantastic idea.

Step on it!

Out of the way!

- What are you doing?
- They usually get out of the way.

- What are you doing?
- I'm shielding you.

Would you do the same if I were a man?

Yes. Possibly.

- So unprofessional.
- I don't want you to get hurt.

Such chauvinism impedes women's
progress in patriarchal structures.

It may seem considerate, but it
actually just keeps us women down.

Okay, I'll shoot
your friend first if you want.

- Good!
- Then you.

- That's also good.
- No, it's not.

But if we survive this,
I want to tell our kids a great story

about when Mom and Dad first kissed.

Mom and Dad? Kids?

We'll knock them silly.

That's enough now.

Bulletproof! Step on it!

Drive up right next to the plane.

That won't even scratch it.

It will if you have
the construction plans in your head.

"If you have the construction plans"...

Done! It worked.

- What's that?
- What's wrong?

The hatch is open.

Blerim, take off!

He'll make it.

Mr. Steiner.

She kissed me.

The relationship
between the sexes is an enigma.

A mystery.

Anyone ever told you it's hard
to talk about feelings with you?

Get in line, Theo.

You said "Theo". "Theo"!

Yes, Helga.

Mr. Hedmann!

- Come on! Come on!
- I can't.

We're taking off!

Shit.

- On your knees, Steiner.
- Dream on.

You just couldn't
stay out of it, could you?

Because of you,
my vacations are in Romania from now on.

- Great beaches there.
- On your knees, asshole!

Hemorrhoid eye!

Mascha?

Mascha... I'm all Mascha-ed out.

As of today,
I'm the new First Lady, rat face.

- But, Mascha...
- "But Mascha".

You have no problem
overthrowing your father.

How does it go?
"Good girls go to heaven,

but bad girls go everywhere."

Say "Goodbye, Mascha".

Goodbye, Mascha.

Oh, my God.

Men who cry are like dogs
who lick their enemies' boots.

- They need to be shot.
- Sorry, boy.

Your new girlfriend
is the worst date since Eva Braun.

Hold onto me, Luke.

- What?
- You've never held me.

- This isn't the right time.
- Please.

Go on.
Give your girlfriend a goodbye kiss.

Holy shit!

Turn the plane around, at once!

Bring the guns in position!

Quick! They're coming back.

- Are you okay?
- Yes, I'm fine.

- Theo, get the bazooka!
- Will do.

Bitch!

We'll attack again.

Boss, we've located your vehicle.

Luke, how does this damn thing work?

- Luke!
- Aim and push the trigger.

That's your car. It looks intact.

Not a scratch on it.

You idiot. You're such a moron.

Tell the lovely Steiner to bring it
back, wash it and put it in the garage.

Please.

Mr. Steiner, you have to shoot.

- I can't see.
- What?

You don't need to.

Here. You shoot and I'll navigate.

- And now?
- A bit higher and to the left.

Left or right?

- Left.
- Left is where the thumb's on the right.

Then it's to the right.

It's all under control.

That sounds like a bull's eye.

Yes. I'm over here, Mr. Steiner.

I'll rip you to pieces.

There's nothing like
the calm of the countryside.

- Dad!
- Merry Christmas, Sweetheart.

You look awful.

I tried to put a pizza
into the microwave.

Pizza for Christmas?

I like pizza.

- It should be done soon.
- Don't you want to come in?

- I don't want to impose. I just...
- Come in, Steiner.

The present...

- What are you doing here?
- Your wife invited me.

She's not my wife. She left me.

- She shouldn't have.
- That's what I think, too.

- Excuse me.
- Where are you going?

I've got an important appointment.

On Christmas Eve? Are you kidding me?

Dad, leave Benno alone.

I just wanted to wish
your boyfriend a Merry Christmas.

Come here.

If you hurt her, I'll get rid of you
and make it look like an accident.

Got it?

Benno.

- Do you like them?
- Is this for real?

They're super stylish.

- Why did you buy two pairs?
- One pair is for Mom.

In 18 years,
you never knew my shoe size.

I did. Size 12.

- Size 7.
- You could wear matching outfits.

- Yeah, man.
- Yeah.

- We'll go to the "Bunker" together.
- Great idea.

Out of the question.
I'll take them back and exchange them.

- Chill out, Dad.
- I will.

- Tomorrow's a holiday.
- Then we can all sleep in.

Does that mean...
I can spend the night here?

If you can find space
next to the giant feet.

Me, too?

Congratulations.

It's true what they say.

48 hours can change your life.

They lied to us,
beat us up and shot at us.

My son. I'm proud of you.

They suspended us, caused
an asthma attack and made fun of us.

They tried to divide us.
To make us doubt ourselves.

But in one respect
we had a leg up on them.

We became friends.

Love is strange
and you never know where you'll find it.

But that's what makes
the whole thing so exciting.

2 MONTHS LATER

Are we relaxing in our cushy job here?

- What are you doing here?
- Paying you a visit.

- How's your new partner?
- We're not partners.

He's a vegetarian.

Our code word is "Veggie Rice".

"Veggie Rice"?
That's way cooler than "Hot Dog".

- You didn't even want one.
- How are you doing here?

Well, after all that excitement...

rm quite happy here.

Well, good thing we talked,
because Reiners wanted to transfer you.

A position opened up,
but now that I hear you're happy here,

all I have to say is,
"Bye Helga, and greetings to your mom".

- Luke.
- Yes?

Don't make me worm it out of you.
What's the position?

He wants to transfer you to the front.

- No way!
- It's the truth. But it won't be easy.

Your predecessor
was an exceptional police officer.

- What happened to him?
- He's doing things he doesn't like.

But that way he has
lots of time for the person he loves.

So he's moving up a grade.

- A paper-pusher in love.
- Who won't be shot at.

And he'll have time
for the important things in life.

- I bet his ex is happy.
- He hopes so, too.

They went out a couple of times
and he says it's going well.

- You're a "Helga" now, too.
- There can only be one Helga.

Can I have your locker?

I could be
"Luke Steiner, the next generation".

Luke 2.0.

I can't believe it!

I can't believe it!
I'm the next Luke Steiner.

Helga Steiner.

I have to call Nicki.
Can I tell her, or is it top secret?

- Helga, if you don't...
- I'll call my mom first.

She'll go berserk.
My mother will go berserk.

Ah! Where is the off switch?

Know who you remind me of?

My aunt Helga.

Oh, man!

Would you like a sweet?

Wow! I'm loving it.

Keep blowing. Yes...

Stop it. Stop it now. Come on.

Keep blowing.
Blow more. Blow more!

Will you just blow?
Yes! Come on.

I'll get wrinkles on my face.

I have to shit
as aesthetically as Matthias.

It just sneaks up on you.

Shit. I can't do it.

I'm sorry. It's...

It's not easy. Once more...

Mr. Steiner!
He wants to eat my penis!

You're so quick-witted, Mr. Steiner.

I look like Frodo
from "The Lord of the Rings".

When he got all excited
because of the... Yeah, okay.

Can we have another take?
Okay.

I've forgotten my lines,
because I was so happy for you.

I'll make the joke, okay?

At least men
of my generation had fun...

before they reached your age.

I don't know...
I could do it so well earlier.

- Okay?
- Okay, we've got something.

Can I have my blanket, please?

...at the front,
and then zoom into the back.

No Limits Media 2017
Subtitles: G. Avgerinou-Panagiotou et al