Hot Chocolate (1992) - full transcript

Narrator:
Once upon a time
not so long ago

in a little town in France
called St. Bernard

lived a Count named Hubert,

his chauffeur named Eric,

and his dog named Gedeon.

Oh, that's me,

the aristocratic greyhound
you see in the backseat

of the Rolls-Royce.

Yes,
it was a pleasant life...

the chauffer,
the castle,

the butler,
the gardener,



the cow,
the horses...

everything a country gentleman's dog could dream of.

But dark clouds had gathered
on the horizon,

and the future
was becoming bleak.

You see,
things aren't always
what they seem.

Take my master,
for example,

Hubert de la Canelle,
Count du Bonbon,

the last
of a dying breed.

His family had been making
chocolate truffles

for 12 generations.

Everyday the Count would go off to the chocolate factory

to supervise production
of the tender little morsels.

Everything seemed fine
on the surface,

but the Count was in trouble,
big money trouble.



Things were not going well
at the chocolate factory,

bad management,

labor unrest,
inefficiency.

The Count had gambled
almost all his money away.

In fact,
Eric the chauffer

had more money
than the Count.

Disaster was all around us.

There was even talk of giving
me food from a can. Huh.

Things really took a turn
for the worse

when the Count divorced
the Contessa,

a lovely young woman,
but with a somewhat
fiery temper.

Little did we know,

but things were about to change drastically again,

and all because of a princess
who would fly to us

from a land far, far away.

Male deejay:
Good morning, Dallas.

Howdy to all you cowboys
and cowgirls out there.

Well, today's gonna be
a real scorcher, yes, sir.

Weatherman says
he's expecting the old mercury

to hit about 98 degrees.

It might even
pop up to a hundred.

Traffic report just in--
all major access roads

to the downtown area
are backed up

for four to five miles
due to some major road work

on half a dozen on-ramps.

Wow!

Those boys
from the road department

always seem to pick
the hottest days

to do that work,
don't they?

Looks like you people
are gonna be frying

in those very hot cars
for a very long time.

Unless of course,
you got wings or somethin'.

Ha, ha!
In the meantime,

here's one of everybody's
favorites from Merle Spencer,

"If You Don't Leave Me Alone,
I'll Find Someone Who Will."

Man:
Cassidy One, Cassidy One,

Cassidy Helipad
is clear for landing.

Cassidy One,
you're cleared for landing.

Roger.

Woman over PA:
Howdy and welcome

to the Cassidy Corporation
world headquarters.

Don't you ever sleep,
BJ?

Yes, but not when
I have money on my mind.

Pretty little filly like you

ought to have something
on your mind besides money.

Now, we've been through this
a hundred times before, Daddy.

I don't have time
for men right now.

- I never have time
for serious men.
- Mm-hmm.

I always have more
important things to do.

- Such as?
- Such as business.

I'm just lookin' out
for your best interests.

- Mm-hmm.
- You know,

I would like
somebody else to talk to
besides my horse.

Oh, and I don't
talk to you?

Yep, yep,
about acquisition mergers

and tax shelters
and stock splits.

But that is not exactly
what I had in mind.

I'm sorry.

- Men: Hi, boss.
- Mr. Cassidy: Howdy, boys.

- Good morning.
- Man: Good morning.

All right.
Sit down, please.

Why don't you begin,
Daddy?

Mr. Cassidy:
Thank you, sugar.

Well, now.

I believe y'all know
that this corporation

has to unload $12 million
in some foreign country

before the end of this
fiscal year

otherwise Uncle Sam
is gonna take a big bite

out of our ass.

In short,

we have got to purchase
a tax shelter muy pronto.

And so far,
we have been looking
at everything

from shiitake mushrooms
in Mexico

to paper clips in Korea,

and we have
come up bust, boys.

But I believe
our little BJ here

has a line on something
real hot.

Don't you, darlin'?

Over the past six months,
Cassidy Corporation

has been considering some
50 companies for acquisition

and none of them
fit the bill.

If the product was right,
the price was wrong.

If the price was right,
the location was a disaster.

Really, none of them
even fit the quality profile

associated with
the Cassidy name.

After extensive research,

I think I have found
the perfect company

for the perfect price.

Cut to the chase, BJ.
What are we buying?

Chocolate?

Not just chocolate, Daddy.

They are St. Bernard
chocolate truffles.

They're the best
in the world.

It's what Chanel
is to perfume

and Dom Perignon
is to champagne.

Do ahead, everyone.
Dig in.

A great luxury product
from France

and classy enough
to be associated with
the Cassidy name.

In three months,
the Japanese will be fighting

to stick them
in their shopping bags.

Begging your pardon,

but according to
the Wall Street Journal,

the St. Bernard's a stiff.

Preciously.

That's why we're going to
buy it for a song.

Just what exactly
did you have in mind, BJ?

The usual strategy?

Right, Daddy.

Thank you.

A firm offer,

one million in cash bonus
for goodwill...

it never fails.

Eric, you were
absolutely right.

I should have worn
the green cardigan
for the cover.

The jacket makes me look
entirely too eager.

But you are eager,
sir.

We both are.

You've been so loyal, Eric.

Once I sell that factory,

I promise there will be
no more hamburger for lunch.

And I'll pay you back
every franc I owe you.

With interest,
I hope.

What's this?

We have less than a month

to raise the money
for the back taxes.

Otherwise, the government
will confiscate the estate,

the factory, everything.

Oh, and the gardener
has to be paid.

We need to keep up
appearances.

Oh, my God.

If my ancestors
were alive today,

they'd strip me
of my title

and send me
to Devil's Island.

Eric:
Calm down. Calm down.

This weekend at the spa
will do wonders for you.

It always does.

Dr. Kwan knows
how to work magic.

You'll come back relaxed,
clear-headed, confident,

everything that
a Count de la Bonbon
should be.

It's our last chance,
Eric.

We have to sell
to this cowboy,

and nothing
must stand in our way.

Nothing will, sir.

Ready?

Ready.

Ready.

He's coming!

Ingrates.

One bad year...

and they turn on you
like a pack of wild dogs.

It was just a little
high-spirited.

I hope they calm down
before the Texan gets here.

I doubt that.

Remember what they did
to the others.

They terrorized the Saudis,
they booted out the Japanese,

and the German?

Mm-mmm.

Chocolate
can be so evil.

Oh, God!
It's Lucretia.

Eric, she's here!

Calm down.

Calm down.

It's the third time
this week

you've hallucinated
about seeing your ex-wife.

The Countess is in Italy.

She's not in St. Bernard.

But she knows about
witchcraft, Eric.

She could be in
two places at once.

Every time
I shut my eyes,

Lucretia haunts me
like a vision from Hell.

Well, the Countess does know
how to make an impression.

Oh, la Contessa.

La Contessa.

Woman:
Lucretia, please stop
that nonsense.

How could he do
that to me?

He's the only man
that ever refused me.

He didn't refuse you.
He divorced you.

And if I remember correctly,
you went along with it.

But I really
didn't mean that.

I was having a bad day.

Oh, Lucretia.

You got a nice
settlement from him,

almost as nice as from
your first three husbands.

But I don't care about that.
I care about him.

Oh, my poor dear.

You'd be so
disappointed by now.

My sources tell me
that your little Hubert

isn't at all
what he used to be.

All he does is drink,

and cry and cry
and drink.

Oh!

He can't sell
his chocolate factory.

He's so depressed,

and so sad and...

impotent.

Oh, dio mio.

I've robbed him
of his manhood.

Ah, my poor child.

I know you can be
very passionate,

but what
I can't understand

is why you keep on
torturing yourself

over this-- this...

Frenchman.

I know I made
his life hell.

Together we're like--
like fire and water,

like vinegar and oil,

like...

Tom and Jerry?

Mm-hmm.

There is one
important thing, Mother,

that you should understand.

I love that man,
and I'm going
back to France.

Woman on PA:
Announcing the arrival

of TWA flight number 48...

- What kind of plane is it?
- It's an airbus.

You've flown it
hundreds of times.

Mm.

Oh, Eric.

I really don't
like to fly.

I could take
the train.

It's only
a 45-minute flight.

There's nothing
to it at all.

You'll be home Sunday
in time for tea.

Uh, uh.

Oh.

Oh!

Wow.

Excuse me, sir.

- Hey!
- Hey!

Yah!

Eric:
Thank you.

Are you all right, miss?

Yeah.

Oh, it's all in the wrist.

Hello.

Wouldn't you rather ride
in a Rolls-Royce?

Uh, thanks,
but no thanks.

No.

- Move!
- What?

Move it!

I'm trying to
pick up this girl

to give her a nice ride
in my car.

She looked lonely...

Ah.

Hello.

Looks like you've been
in a shoot-out.

Have dinner with me.
I'll tell you all about it.

No. It doesn't look
very safe to me.

You can take care
of yourself.

Fine, daddy.

Yes, I'm calling
the Count right now.

I hope we can wrap this up
over the weekend.

What?

Yes, I'll try to have some fun
just for you.

I promise.

All right.
I love you. Bye.

Monsieur Ferrier,
so good to see you.

- Beauregard.
- How is the Count?

As jittery as ever,
Beauregard.

Something I can do
for you?

As a matter of fact,
there is.

An American woman
just checked in here.

Ah, the lady blonde.

She was just
at the commissary.

Oh, no, no,
Not this time,
Beauregard.

This time
I'm the interested party.

Oh, I see.

In that case,
might I suggest,
uh, orchids?

You've reached the estate
of Hubert de la Canelle.

I'm away for the weekend.

Please leave a message
after the beep.

Yes, I'm calling to confirm
your Monday appointment

with BJ Cassidy
at the factory.

Ooh.

Gorgeous.

Can you put them
over there, please?

So you sold imperial
goose livers just in time.

I wish I'd met you
a week ago.

I'd be a lot richer today.

Eric:
Want a hot tip?

Always.

Consolidated escargot.

Consolidated escargot?

- Mm-hmm.
- No thanks.

I wouldn't
touch that company
for anything.

Mm, mark my words,
Elizabeth.

It's gonna split
on Monday.

I bet you it doesn't.

I bet you
$100 U.S. it does.

You're on.

So tell me,
what exactly do you
do for a living?

Why is it
that every American
sneaks that into

their very first
conversation with someone?

Well,
then I'm as American
as they come.

Don't change a thing.

I'm a dabbler.

I, uh...

dabble.

Mostly, I manage
someone's investments.

And you?

I run a small company
in the southwest.

I'm a troubleshooter.

That means you're the one
who's the trouble.

So the judge says,
"You shot your
first wife in Leon...

Mm-hmm.

...and buried
your second wife
in Marseilles,

but who is this woman
who's in the courtroom

and calling on
your name?"

He says,
"She's my third wife,
Your Honor.

She's from Bordeaux."

A bluebeard.

It turns out
he had 12 wives

across the country.

And what about you?
Any wives anywhere?

No.
Not that I know of.

You?

Oh, no,
no wives anywhere.

- What about the "L" word?
- Love?

Yes.

Have you ever been in love?

Yeah, a few times.

It seems I have the gift
for always picking the women

who want to be saved.

And all the men I ever meet
want to save me from myself.

Do you think there's hope
for either of us?

Oh, I'm sure.

Two perfect people like us

are bound to find
the right person one day.

Don't you think?

Of course.

- So, what do you think?
- It's wonderful.

It's a part of Paris
that maybe, uh,

maybe people don't see.

Yes.

Do you shoot pool?

Oh, I love
to play pool.

Well,
there's something new
you might like.

Man:
Oh, no.

I'd better quit
while I'm behind.

Um, would you
like a loan?

Uh...no,
thank you.

What do you say
we call it a night?

Tsk.

Not when I'm winning.

All or nothing.

My sentiments exactly.

Yeah!

What the?

Do you always win?

Yes.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Spend tomorrow
with me, huh?

I'll pick you up
at 10:00.

Say yes or I'll think
you don't like me.

Yes.

I think the orchids
were persuasive, sir.

Not quite enough,
Beauregard.

This time
make it yellow roses.

- Yellow?
- Mm-hmm.

Okay.

He came here
four months ago.

- Is Beauregard here?
- No, madam.

Ah, Contessa.

Welcome back again.

How is Bridgette?
The children?

Very well, thank you.
Your suite is ready.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Thanks.

Why--
why is this locked?

Ah, this is another room.

What?

- Lucretia?
- Bridgette Cassidy.

I don't believe it.

Oh, but this
is much better than mine.

But look,
you look gorgeous.

Mm, thank you.

Bridgette, you filled out.

I haven't seen you since

graduation day
at Montecito.

Are you still with the Duke?

No, ancient history, darling.

I've been married
three times since then.

Now, why is it
that doesn't
surprise me a bit?

So, what brings you
to Paris?

- A man.
- Money.

The next best thing.
I should have known.

You've always been
so practical.

And you?

Mm...

a matter of life and death.

Man:
Et deux! Et deux!

Et deux!

Et deux!

Et deux!

The dream book
was a great idea,
Dr. Kwan,

but I still can't get
Lucretia out of my mind.

Breathe.

It should get
your chi flowing

and alleviate the tension
causing your nightmares.

Hubert:
Lucretia turns up
in my dreams

in the most vivid ways.

A black mamba snake,

a barracuda,
a killer shark...

always a monster
of some sort.

And yet,
I'm drawn to her
dark beauty.

The Countess
is a stunning woman.

Like in a fairytale,

I think my love
will transform her.

Then I kiss her

and she slaps me
between two pieces of toast

and eats me
for breakfast.

What can I do?

Admit you still love her

or find yourself
a substitute.

A substitute?

There is no substitute
for Lucretia.

You suffer from a variety
of stress-related syndromes,

not the least of which
is sexual inferiority.

We must work on
your lower chakra.

My chakra is fine.

- Everything is related.
- Ah!

The stomach, the head,
the mental, the physical.

You have to unload
all your excess garbage.

Throw it away.

Throw it away.

Now...

let's get to the heart
of the matter.

Aah!

It's so beautiful up there.

Yes.

You know,
a couple of years ago,

somebody wanted
to tear it down.

I hope they ran him
out of town.

Speaking of out of town,

I know a little place.

In 1453,

King Louis the Rebel
vowed to trample to death

the emperors of France.

One night, he woke up
in a sweat...

- What is he saying?
- Eric: I don't know.

He's speaking English.

...his body covered
with livid welts,

as if he had been
flagellated
in his sleep...

- "Flaga" what?
- Eric: "Flagenated."

I hate when
that happens.

King Louis...
befriended monks,
and built the abbey

as penance for his sins
against the church.

Right this way.

Oh, yes.

Ah-ha.

Can you imagine
being a monk

and taking
a vow of, um,

- poverty...
- Whew.

...and obedience,

- and chastity.
- Ah, chastity.

That's the one
that'll kill you.

Isn't this
very naughty?

Yes, but I don't mind!

Oh, shit! I mean...

Shit!

Don't be afraid!

I'm a people kind of guy.

Yeah, well,
we got to go.

Come on!

Let me show you
the dungeon!

Oh, please, come back!

I'm just an old,
old ghost.

- Is he gone?
- I don't know.

Ah-- Whoa!

No!

Are you all right?

I'm fine.

Well, I don't know about you,
but of all the come-ons

that was definitely
my first ghost.

Eric:
Well, I can't blame him
for trying, huh?

You know, you look
kind of cute in a dress.

Thank you very much.

Uh, you're not, uh,

trying to take advantage
of me, are you?

- Unh-uh.
- Oh.

They have rooms here
at the inn.

Do they?

Would you like
to stay overnight?

Well, if you're trying
to take advantage of me,

you might just have
a ghost of a chance.

Father, the brown monk
hasn't appeared in years.

Just what did he say?

I couldn't eat
another bite.

Just one more thing.

A little surprise.

Close your eyes.

Open up.

The food of the gods.

Mm, mmm.
I love these.

You know,
I'm going to buy a...

Mmm, these are good.

It's good for you.

Did you know that chocolate

is an aphrodisiac?

- Oh, really?
- Mm-hmm.

How many
do you have in there?

Enough for the whole night.

There they are now.

The Contessa has come back.

This is worse
than I thought.

He sold the Fragonard.

What happened
to the Lalique?

Mama was right.

He's flipped
his biscotti.

Hello, Gedeon.

Aah!

Monsieur La Monte,
you scared me!

Still an old watchdog,
aren't you?

Good morning,
Contessa.

Gedeon.

Mm, pico cane.

"My dream book,
by Hubert de la Canelle."

Dream #325?

"I'm swimming peacefully
in a quiet lagoon

when suddenly
a ferocious shark appears,
bites my head off.

Is wearing Lucretia's
pearl necklace."

Dream #582.

"A serene
and a luscious picnic
on the edge of the forest.

A mamba snake slithers
out of the bushes

and bites me viciously
on the leg.

He says, 'Thank you'
with Lucretia's voice."

Eric:
Bonjour, madam.

Good morning.

I have the International
"Harold Tribune,"

the "Wall Street Journal,"

fresh squeezed orange juice,
three-minute egg,

croissant, and coffee--
strong.

You sound like
a professional.

- Do you do this often?
- Daily.

Mm.

So, you have
a healthy appetite.

Mm.

I thought you
liked that about me.

I love that about you.

Are there
anymore truffles?

Um, let me see.

So, what do you think?

You know, I've heard about
the flea market in Paris.

- Look!
- I've just never been.

- You like this?
- No.

But I want to see this.

Hello.

How much for
the blue one, please?

1,000 francs.

Sterling silver,

and one of a kind.

Highway robbery.

- No, you think so?
- Hmm.

800.

That's as low as I go.

Merci.

So, where are we going now?

Back to the hotel.

Oh. Yes?

I'm afraid not.

I have
a business engagement

that I'm afraid
I can't break.

On Sunday?

I'm sorry.

It's all right.

I'll see you
for dinner then.

I'm sorry,
but I can't.

Oh.

I see.

Elizabeth,
it's not what you think.

Well, just what
do I think?

Well...

Elizabeth,
I-- uh...

Look, it's all right.

Eric, I had a lovely day.
Thank you very much.

That's it?

- That's all?
- I guess so.

That's it.
That's all.

But-- but...

Ah, there you are,
you naughty girl.

You didn't
come home last night.

I know.
I called.

Was it magic?

Something like that.

Oh.

Out all night,
but not glowing.

Shopping,
not happy.

What did he do to you?

Now what is it with men,
Lucretia?

They are babies
and our job is to keep
their diapers dry.

You know,
I just thought he was...

something real.

Mm.

They are real.
That's the problem.

I should know,

four husbands
and three sons.

You?
I don't believe it.

This is my little
Bobby surfing.

He's living
with Darren in Malibu.

This is Hans, Jr.
with the Von Hapsburgs at camp,

a day at the vineyards.

And this is my little bambino
Carlito and his polo pony.

Ha, ha.
And where's big Carlos?

Fat and happy
in Caracas.

But where's number four?
I don't see him here.

That's the man
of my life.

Big scandals,
big headlines,

the Pope annulled him.

But he can't forget me,

and I came back to let
bygones go bye-bye,

as you Americans say,

and start once again
from dirt.

- Scratch.
- Yes, I know.

Oh!

You love Eiffel Towers.

Tell me about yourself.

Well, after girls school
I went to Princeton

and spent some time
on Wall Street,

and then
Daddy called me back
to run the Double-C.

He's retired
and I'm president now.

I have a lot of friends--

Ah, lovely.

Where did you get this?

I guess your real man
has good taste.

Eric:
So, did you have

a wonderful weekend
at the spa?

Ah, I'm starving.

The only thing Dr. Kwan
would let me eat was sprouts.

That man
likes to torture me.

How was your weekend?

- Lovely.
- Mm.

Any word from the Texan?

His secretary called.

He'll be at the factory
tomorrow at noon.

Wonderful.

I have a good feeling
about this cowboy.

Listen to what
my horoscope says.

"Mercury is now receding

and Venus is rising.

Love and money
are in the wind."

Love and money, Eric.

My favorite combination.

Just tell me who he is

and I'll have someone
get him, tie him up,

and bring him
to your room

if that's the way
you want him?

Oh, Lucretia,
I don't know what I want.

Besides,
I don't have time
for this.

I have a deal to close.

Yep.

Well, don't worry.
He will call.

And when he does,
you must pretend to be
very, very busy.

Yes, well,
I'm not very good
at playing games.

All I know is that
for the first time

a man has me
kind of bothered.

And now you must do
the bothering.

- And how do I do that?
- I don't know.

You...

you toy with him
like one of your big deals.

Um, put him on hold,
lie about the figures,

cheat.

You're such a pro,
Lucretia.

Si, cara.

And I always play to win.

Just where are you going
in that get-up?

- Into the ring.
- Against who?

Husband number four
for a rematch.

Good god.
It's me.

Monsieur La Monte?

Looks like
they didn't get
into anything

but the kitchen
and the bar.

Ah.

I'll change the locks
the first thing in the morning.

Mm, it's bad enough
those vandals plague me
on the roads,

but right here
in my own home?

A man's castle
is his castle, damn it.

What do they
want from me?

- Blood.
- Well,

they're not going
to get it.

De la Canelle
never shied away
from controversy.

Remember
the Dupont rebellion,

the Fromage mutiny,

Napoleon's Russian campaign.

If I remember correctly,

your great-great uncle
refused to serve.

Exactly.

An unpopular stand
at the time,

but he stuck to his guns.

I have
a family tradition
to uphold here,

and I'll be damned

if I let a few
rabble-rousing

truffle-dippers
get the better of me.

I can sell St. Bernard
to whomever I want.

Don't fire till you see
the whites of their eyes.

I'm ready.

See who that is, will you?

Amore.

Amore.

- Miss me?
- Where did you get that?

Give it back to me.
It's my book!

You want it?
You take it.

Leave me alone.

Eric, call the police!

I'm your wife.
You can't refuse me.

Not anymore.

Oh, we made love
like fruit flies.

Four, five--
ten times a day.

I know.
I am happy to be alive.

I read your little book.

I'm your great white shark.

I'm your mamba snake.

Admit it.

You want me back
just as much as I do you.

Hardly. Hardly.

If you're so horny,

call up one of your studs
and have a tumble.

Isn't that
how you met Hans?

The only thing
Hans was good for
was paying the bills.

Ha, ha.
Money.

Now we get down
to the real reason
you're here.

Why must you persist,
darling,

in seeing me as
a money-grubbing schemer?

But why else
would you come
crawling back

dressed like Mata Hari?

You ungrateful maggot.

I came back here
to give you love,
hope, support.

Of course, a full bank account
is better than an empty one,

but love counts for more.

I threw it all away for you,
and what do I get?

A slap in the face.

That's a thought.

You're not exactly
Mister Honesty yourself.

What about this--

your crying party
when you're about

to sell your
stupid chocolate factory.

I don't want your money.
I want your love.

I want to marry you.
Remarry you, that is.

What? Oh, no!

You're not getting
your fangs into me again.

Ooh!
Lucretia!

Lucretia!

Ah, Contessa.

You staying for dinner?

No, thank you.
I'm leaving.

But I be back.

Look at her, Eric.

Still as wonderful
as ever.

Good things
last forever.

Mmm.

It smells like home.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Can you please tell me

how to get to
the chocolate factory?

Man: Hear that?

The lady
wants the direction
to the factory.

And who might you be,
darling?

Well, sweet thing,
who wants to know?

- Half the town.
- Right.

BJ Cassidy,
Dallas, Texas.

Yee-Haw!

What's your
business here, baby?

- I bet it's none of yours.
- Hear that?

None of our business.

Well,
it just happens to be
our business.

Calamity Jane here
wants a little chocolate.

You better watch it, huh?

We would just hate
to see you get hurt.

Just tell me where
the damn factory is.

Down the road
about 200 yards, miss.

Thanks for
the friendly welcome.

Sorry.

Uh, yes.
I'd like to leave a message.

Is Beauregard there,
please?

Thank you.

Ah.

Madam Verna,
when you're finished
with those,

do something
about the desk, will you?

The desk.

Madam Verna...

when you're
finished with those,

do something
about the desk,
will you?

Madam Verna!

Yeah.

Love and money,
Madam Verna.

I can feel it.
Come on.

Two dozen roses
this time.

Thank you,
Beauregard

Eric?

Eric.

Eric.

Eric.

Oh, Eric.

- Cowboy is here.
- What?

The cowboy is here.

I'd better head him off
at the pass.

Uh, yippee-ki-yo ki-yay.

I'll give him the grand tour
and talk him into dinner,

and then have him
drive me back to the castle.

And when you get home,

I'll have
your favorite supper
waiting for you.

- Roast duck.
- Excellent.

And let the bottle
breathe a bit.

Uh, sorry.
The Japanese
finished it off,

but we still
have the bottles.

I'll fill them
with something
we can afford.

Right.
A Texan will never
know the difference.

This is it, Eric,
high noon.

- Wish me luck.
- Hey.

Just keep smiling.

The Americans
love their French jovial.

You must be
a very good foreman

to have been here
for 15 years.

Like my father
before me.

But it looks like
you've really

battened down
the hatches around here.

And not
without reason, miss.

Those people
you saw in the cafe,

they have
nothing better to do

than scare off anyone
who tries to buy the factory.

Why don't
you do something
about it?

Not sure what we could do.

Most of the town
doesn't want
the factory sold.

Why? If it shuts down,
there'd be no jobs
left at all.

Fear of the unknown, miss.

They're scared of what
a foreign owner might do.

They might do like they did
with the London Bridge,

take the whole place down
brick by brick

and make the truffles
in another country

while keeping only the name.

Then they
lose out for sure.

Then why don't they
support the Count?

Without being disloyal, miss,

chocolate truffles
may be in the Count's blood,

but they're not in his brain.

He just doesn't know
how to manage things.

Things have to change,

and people
are afraid of change.

It's a tough one, miss.

Where is he?

- Who, sir?
- The Texan.

That would be me,
BJ Cassidy.

It's very good
to meet you.

Oh, forgive me.

I-- I had no idea

you were a blonde
female person.

It happens all the time.

Well...

shall we talk turkey?

Uh, we-- we're having duck,
actually.

I'm sorry.
I mean, business.

Oh. So do I, my dear.
So do I.

Allow me to give you
the royal tour, huh?

Eric:
Jean-Pierre!

Tell the Count
that I'm leaving.

How are things going
with the Texan?

Hard to tell.

I think the Count
was a bit surprised.

He's got to score
with this one.

He's trying.

Believe me.

Then one of my ancestors,

I believe it was
Louis the Luscious,

went to Mexico and found
a recipe for truffles.

You know,
"chocolate" is actually
an Aztec word.

Is that so?

Anyway, uh,
the rest is history.

What's your annual yield?

Pardon me?

How many truffles
do you make in a year?

Oh, many. Uh, J.P.!

Yes, sir.

How many truffles
a year?

Tons.

We have the figures
in the office

if you'd
like to take a look.

I would.
Thank you.

It's a most
unusual building.

- How are sales?
- Down.

Uh...up.

I mean, we're always
slightly down in the summer

- and then things pick up.
- Uh-huh.

I'd like to have a look
at your market
research reports.

The computer's on the blink.

Mm, darn technology.

What good is that-- I mean,
everything on a floppy disk,

if you can't play
the damn thing?

Who handles
your insurance policy?

I'd like
to give them a call.

No need.

We're one big
happy family.

I believe in
the private sector.

If something goes wrong,

then I pay for it
out of my own pocket.

Ah!

A tragedy in the workplace,
they come right to me.

Begging your pardon, Count.

Aren't they childish?

Come. Come.

I've got
a live one here, J.P.

The factory
is as good as sold.

It's absurd, sir.

Crowd:
Cowboy, go home!

Why don't I drive
and you take in
the scenery?

Sounds good to me.

Oh, and thank you, J.P.

Mm-hmm.

Bye.

Charming for an American,
don't you think?

Hubert:
And there is the creamery.

Have you lived here
all your life?

Hubert:
Every waking moment.

I'm not one
of those aristocrats
who packs up everything

and moves to Majorca
when it drizzles.

Mm-hmm.

I believe in, uh,
upholding tradition.

Uh-huh.
Then how can you sell
St. Bernard?

Progress demands
a changing of the guard.

What was once a sacred
family tradition

must now enter the realm
of global economics.

Uh-huh.

And that's where
you come in, Miss Cassidy.

Okay.

I know that no reward
comes without

exacting personal toll.

For me,
the sale of St. Bernard

resonates
like a changing tide

in the charted course
of my destiny.

I had no idea
you were so attached.

I'll be frank.

This town,
these good people,

they're my blood.

But...

they all hate me.

Oh!
They are everywhere.

All right.
My turn to be straight.

I want St. Bernard.
How much?

How much have you got?

Are these
friends of yours?

Step on it!

All right.
Quick. Move over!

Buckle up!

Clear off the road, man!

Oh, that was fun!

Ah. Good.

Oh, oh!
Miss Cassidy!

Old tennis injury,
I'm afraid.

- You look like
a nice horse.
- Oh, I can't go on.

Save yourself!

Have my chauffer
come for me.

Oh, nonsense.

Wait just a second.

All right.

Hello.
Oh.

- Okay?
- Yeah.

I hope
they're not after us.

Hang on.

- There you are.
- Oh, thanks.

Where's your telephone?

I think we should
call the police.

I have a pretty good idea
who those two punks might be.

Oh, not to worry,
my dear.

I'll have my man
take care of everything.

Eric?

Shall I have a look
at your ankle?

No, no, really.
I-- I'll be fine.

Don't worry.
Just relax.

Okay.

Oh!

Hubert:
However did you do it?

It's all in the wrist.

Oh, Miss Cassidy.
I'd like you to meet my man,

Eric Ferrier.

Eric,
can you believe my luck?

This is the Texan.

It's my pleasure.

Eric, the most dreadful
thing happened.

Hoodlums on the road,

Miss Cassidy's car
is a total loss.

I'll do the necessaries.

Well, uh, now...

Mm-- oh,
that's great.

Oh, if you excuse me.
I must dress for dinner.

I'm sure Miss Cassidy
wants to freshen up.

Eric, show our guest
to her rooms.

My dear.

Both:
Why didn't you tell me?

Oh, a small company
in the southwest.

I suppose you think
IBM is small.

Wait a minute.
You're supposed
to be a dabbler.

I wasn't dabbling.
I do manage his money,

but you weren't being
exactly honest with me.

I never lie.

Lying by omission.
It's the same thing.

I think you had better
show me to my room, Eric.

Gladly, madam.

So how much
of a bonus do you get

for buttering up
the Count's clients?

You don't understand.

I had no idea
you were Cassidy Corporation.

Oh, sure.

You must like picking up
strange women at airports

and spending
long weekends with them.

Now that's not fair.

Besides, why would I come out
of the woodwork now?

Wouldn't that spoil my plan,

if I had a plan?

I haven't
figured that out yet.

I know.
You're an industrial spy.

- Ha-ha, yes.
- Hubert: Hello.

Oh.

Everything
all right in here?

Oh, just fine.
Thank you. Thank you.

Well, dinner is at eight.

Don't be late.

- Ciao.
- Ciao.

Listen to me.

Meeting you
had nothing to do
with the Count.

Besides, how do I know
you weren't using me

to get insider information?

That's ridiculous.

Hm.

Why didn't you call me?

I did.

All day long.

And there isn't
a flower left in Paris

that's not in your room.

Well then,
what are you doing with
the Count, anyway?

Supporting him.

My family has worked
for his family
for generations.

He and I went to Monte Carlo
to celebrate his divorce.

Hm?

- He lost all his money...
- Hm.

- ...and I won big.
- Hm.

Your basic
reversal of fortunes.

So then, he went on a bender
to drown his sorrows.

I couldn't leave him even
if I did have all that money.

No.

I've been playing
the stock market with it,

investing wisely,

fortunately...

Mm-hmm.

...and bankrolling him
ever since.

So then that Count
must owe you a bundle?

Yeah, well...

And you want him to get rid
of the factory right away.

Oh, I don't want him
to get rid of it at all.

But why?

There's tradition here.

He can't just give
the factory away to anyone

who steps off the plane.

Making chocolate truffles
is an art form.

And the Count
may not realize this,

but he'd die
if he wasn't somehow
connected to this place.

Now... now I'm looking for

a partnership
with the buyer,

whoever that is,

that way we can keep
the factory here.

We can maintain
the quality.

We can control
the situation.

- Control?
- Hm.

Well, don't get
your hopes up yet.

This deal hasn't gone
your way yet.

But, Elizabeth--

I think
you'd better go now.

Oh, more wine?

- No, thank you.
- I'm fine.

Now, about
the St. Bernard appraisal.

Well, it was valued
at $20 million.

Oh, no, thank you.
I'm fine.

The South African
offered me 18.

But of course
I had to turn them down--

the apartheid
and all that.

But you're an American,

an attractive one,
I might add.

So, I could
sleep at night

if you bought St. Bernard
for $15 million.

Count, your fax said 10.

My fax? What fax?

The car rental company

can't deliver a car
for Miss Cassidy
till the morning.

So, I'll drive her back
to Paris after supper.

No, oh.

You know,
I've never really
spent the night

in a real castle before.

You wouldn't mind
if I stayed,
would you, Hubert?

Not at all, BJ.

Eric,
serve the dessert,
quickly.

Oh, chocolate soufflé.

But you're being
very naughty, Hubert.

Everyone knows chocolate
is an aphrodisiac.

Don't you think
you're laying in on
just a little thick?

Anymore over there?
Eric?

I'll check.

Mm-mm.

Mm.

You be careful, huh?

You don't do anything
that you'll regret.

Regret?
Are you blind?

She's gorgeous.

I'm talking about
the factory.

Mm, Eric.

When I'm done with her,

she'll be begging
to buy St. Bernard
for a fortune.

Let go!
Let me go!

I'm a big boy.

I can manhandle myself.

Hmm.

Onward to the fray!

Good night, Eric.

Good night,
Mr. La Monte.

Be careful
not to hurt yourself.

Hubert, you're drunk.
Go to bed.

Oh, Hubert.

Ugh.

I have
nothing to say to you.

Quite right.
"The business of America
is business."

Calvin Coolidge,
I think, wasn't it?

You certainly
took care of business
last night,

Miss Cassidy, huh?

Oh, that's none
of your business.

Oh, I intend
to make it my business.

You'll never get
St. Bernard now,

not if I had anything
to do with it.

Not at any price.

Um, last time
I checked the books,

St. Bernard
was owned by Hubert.

Looks like he's going
to have to choose
between you and me.

You'll find
your employer upstairs

with a massive hangover.

Tell him to call me
anytime.

You enjoy giving the orders,
don't you, Elizabeth?

Let me tell you something,

pants may look good
on a modern woman,

but macho doesn't.

Try a skirt on
for size sometime.

You may like the fit.

Oh, you owe me $100 U.S.

Is that what you charge
for your services?

Consolidated escargot--

it split.

The check's in the mail.

Good morning!

The sun is shining.

The birds are singing.

The stocks are splitting.

And all is right
with the world.

Oh, good God.
Spare me.

She's not here.

She left.

When?

Oh, I don't remember.

I must have been
too much for her.

That's hard to believe.

Uh, Eric.

Women like that
are insatiable.

Last night was wild,

and I have a feeling
that's one cowgirl

who will be back
in the saddle again.

You didn't sign anything,
I hope.

A deal, for instance?

Mm, first the lady,

then the deal.

Oh, by the way, Eric,

did you know Miss Cassidy
was a natural blonde?

Oh, my head is splitting.

Eric, be a sport
and rub me down,
will you?

Ah, come on.

- Come on, Eric.
- Lucretia: Psst!

- Come on.
- Shh!

Could you start it?

Ah.

Harder.

Oh, that's better.

I can't tell you.

You're the best
set of hands

I've ever known.

Ah, make that
the second best.

Lucretia was a Medusa,

but she knew what
a woman's hands were for.

Ugh!

Lucretia!

Buongiorno.

How did you get here?

By the full authority
of the church...

and a judge.

He wants me
never to leave you.

- What?
- Liberally speaking, I mean.

The divorce papers are clear.

We are partners.

Partners?

And I won't approve your buyer
unless I hear wedding bells.

Our wedding bells,
that is.

It's either me
or the poorhouse.

My little tortellini.

Lucretia.

You're evil.

Who was in that bed?
Do you have another woman?

Huh?

Poison.
Obsession.

It's Opium!

Who was here?

No, no, I swear.

There's never been
anyone but you.

You pig.

It's just like you

to take two women
in the same sheets.

Ah!

Lucretia!

Lucretia.

Ugh!
Lucretia!

No! Lucre--
Lucretia!

It couldn't happen
to a nicer guy.

Oh, Eric! Eric!
Help me!

Is everything all right?

Madam?

It couldn't be better, caro.

Just as I thought.

The look on
the Count's face

when we run them
off the road?

Priceless.

Yeah, but we should
be really careful,
you know?

We should have a plan.

- A plan?
- Yeah.

What do you mean
about a plan?

Why are we terrorizing
the Comte's buyers?

- Because it's fun.
- Yeah, right.

Except we have to think
about our old age retirement

before we end up
like her, hmm?

So what are we gonna do?

If the lady cowboy
buys the factory,

the Count will get
his money, right?

Yeah, sure.

Then he goes back
to Monte Carlo,

and he's gonna lose it
all again.

Wrong.

'Cause we're gonna
pay the Count a little
visit first, right?

Right.

Thanks, darling.

Rest in peace.

- Well?
- I don't know.

I just
can't concentrate
on anything today.

Are you still
thinking about
your chauffer?

Mm-hmm.

- Hello.
- Good afternoon.

So I see this one
and the watch, please.

Yes, with pleasure.

Would you care
to sit down?

I guess blue collar
can be sexy.

Yes, but not when
they're jealous.

He works with this man
I'm trying to close
this deal with,

and he thinks
we're having an affair.

- And are you?
- No.

But I might.

I could even
end up a Countess
like you, Lucretia.

Look out.
Anyone I know?

I doubt it.

You're not the
chocolate truffle type.

Chocolate truffle?

And this Count,
you're interested in him?

Oh, I don't know.

But why not?

Daddy's always nagging me
about settling down

and having children,

and the Count's
a lot of fun.

But what about the chauffer?
You said you liked him.

Yes, but then
I can marry the Count
just to spite him.

He just makes me so angry.

In fact, I can perhaps
arrange your deal

and help you get
what you really want after all.

Oh, Eric.

Ho!

Come, Gedeon.

That's all right.

Come on, Eric.
Drive.

Just leave me alone!

Stop! Stop!
Stop that!

Eric!

Will you stop it?

Help me, Eric!
Help me!

Help me!

Will you stop this? Eric!

Eric, help!
Move, Eric!

Will you let me go?
I am the Count!

Away! Away!

Move on!

Oh, for God's sake, Eric.

Why didn't you help me?

Why, just last night,

you said you were a big boy

and could manhandle
yourself, Hubert.

Oh, Eric.

What does the bank
of Liechtenstein
pay on $7 million?

Jeez.

What do you think,
Miss?

They're delicious.

It's a miracle the factory
is still standing at all.

John Pierre,

please go in
and round up the town

and ask them to meet me
at the bar in the square

in an hour.

Do you think
that's wise?

It's worth a try.

Fine, Miss.

Good morning,
Count.

Hubert, come in.

We have a lot
to talk about.

I know.

It was thunder.
It was lightning.

More like a wet firecracker.

- Pardon?
- Look.

There are so many holes
in these books,

no wonder the government
is about to foreclose.

Lies.
All lies.

Who told you?

Now, let's get
one thing straight.

I do want your factory,
but only at a fair price.

Americans.

Can't handle sex.

It's all here
in this contract.

A $7 million
bank-to-bank transfer

for your
broken-down factory,

and this $1 million
cash incentive payment
for goodwill.

Oh, that's a lot
of incentive.

But that isn't all.

I might even
entertain the idea

that you ask my daddy
for my hand.

Marriage?

Really?

You really did
get to paradise
last night, huh?

Didn't--
didn't you?

But you only have until
8:00 pm tomorrow to decide.

If you're interested,

come to me
with this contract
signed and sealed.

If not,

you can kiss the deal,
this million dollars,

and your little Texan
good-bye.

Madam Verna,
please hold all my calls.

Mm-hmm.

Love and money.

I promise you,
the Cassidy Corporation

doesn't want to see
anyone lose their jobs...

Prove it!

because I've got
a labor contract right here

that's ten times better
than anything

the Count's given you
in years.

Anything
looks good on paper!

How we going to let
some tourist

take over your life?

I don't want to take over
anybody's life.

We just want to see the factory
get back on its feet.

Read it carefully.

We're offering benefits,

credit union, pension plans,
scholarships, everything.

And I'm not finished yet.

You do for
St. Bernard Truffles,

and St. Bernard Truffles
will do for you.

Whoever signs with me
here today

gets a cut in the profits
and shares in the company.

We're going to take
Truffles public.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm ready for my catch
of the profits now.

- Aren't you, Gaston?
- Absolutely.

Oh, Eric.

Don't forget to remind me
about my appointment

with Miss Cassidy,
will you?

Eric?

Eric,
what's wrong with you?

- Me?
- Yeah.

You're not your own
cheerful self.

Ha!
That's fine talk

coming from a man
who thinks with his loins.

What are you
talking about?

That cowgirl
is taking you
for a ride.

Oh, come on.

You're just a little jealous
because I slept with her

and you didn't.

I did.

You did.

You did?

The Texan?

You-- you and her--

You two...?

I...

I don't believe it.

It doesn't matter
what you believe.

The fact of the matter is

she seduced
your chauffer first...

sire.

Well, that does put
a new light on things.

If I wasn't a more
decent human being,

I'd break your neck
right now.

Take her.
She means nothing to me.

Oh, good God.

I had no idea, Eric.

I'd never let
a woman interfere
with our special bond,

not with all
we've been through together.

You must believe me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry, Hubert.

It's just that the thought

of that American hussy
getting St. Bernard

and for such
a measly price!

It curdles my stomach!

Oh. Here.

No, merci.

She doesn't even know
what she's buying.

St. Bernard
isn't just a factory,

it's a tradition,
a family heritage.

It's the last vestige
of a glorious past,
for God's sake!

True. True.

I know you must feel
desperate right now,

but you're too clever

to let her take it out
from underneath you.

Eric...

a million dollars in cash.

It's the only offer
we've got.

Yes, but don't forget,
we have until 8:00.

You give me the day
and I'll...

and I'll come up
with something.

You're right, Eric.

St. Bernard
is priceless.

It's even more expensive.

All:
Hip hip hooray!

But I've never
played soccer.

I have played
touch football.

Does that count?

Good enough for me.

Please tell me, miss,

will you be running
the factory yourself?

Ah, yes.
At least until we're
out of the red.

And I'd love an excuse
to spend some more time here.

It kind of reminds me
of a little town I grew up in.

- Do you have a pony?
- Oh, yes.

I live on a ranch
and we have lots of ponies.

For Miss BJ Cassidy.

Good afternoon,
Mr. Ferrier.

Miss Cassidy is out,
I'm afraid.

I'm not interested
in Miss Cassidy.

It's the Countess
I want to see.

Ah. Okay.

- Shh, shh, shh!
- What the hell?

You're gonna be
a nice little Count,

and you're gonna
shut up, all right?

Shut up.

I know how loyal
you are to him,

almost as much
as I am, and I...

I also
know how much money
he owes you.

And we both know
he's an idiot when
it comes to business.

Yes, but the American
doesn't know that.

What we need to do
is find someone, anyone,

who will
drive up the price.

That way we'll make
a little money,

but we can
control the situation

and not lose the factory.

So, you want me
to pull a millionaire
out of my hat

- to raise the price?
- Exactly.

What we need now
is a bidding war.

You want some champagne?

No, thank you.

But you'll never
get away with this.

I'm a Count.

For God's sake,
an aristocrat!

You're right.

But don't you remember

what we did
to the aristocrats

during the revolution?

Tell me more about this offer
that's on your table.

I hear the Texan
is quite beautiful.

Mm, yeah, well...

uh...

I suppose.
If you like...

beautiful blondes that...

have deep blue eyes
that glisten in the sun

when they smile.

It sounds more than
just attractive.

It sounds like
you're in love.

In love?

Nonsense.

She's nothing
but a double-crossing--

But what about
if she were honest,

if she came clean,
as they say?

No, no.
It's impossible.

All she cares about
is money.

I'm sure all you mean
is business

and so do I.

Then you'll do it?

Oh, of course.

I know just the right person
to play your wheeler-dealer.

Oh, fantastic.

Oh, Countess,
thank you very much.

I knew that
I can count on you.

Listen.
Tonight, Hubert is going
to meet the American.

How about you and your,
uh, buyer join us?

Okay.
That's fine.

Thank you. Bye.

Thank you.

You really won them over.

The whole town
is for you now.

I hope you're right,
Jean-Pierre.

You know,
it's really funny.

I thought I would
just come into town

and throw down
some money

and bring home
another trophy for
the corporate wall.

But, I don't know,
St. Bernard is different.

The town, the people...

I think even the Count
deserves a break.

Things have
quieted down already.

What about those
two punks?

Not to worry.

Dede and Gaston
can't stir up anything now.

I do not negotiate
with terrorists.

Is that so?
Well, listen to that.

Your money
or your life.

But-- but I have not got
a cent to my name.

I'm in debt
up to my ears.

Really!
Ask anyone.

I'm a total fraud.

- What about the factory?
- Yeah.

I can't unload it
to save my life.

I've laid-off
half the town

and I still can't
make ends meet.

Hah!
Everybody hates me.

Come on, go ahead.
Kill me!

Do the town a favor!

Ah, come on.
Stop the waterworks, Count.

We know you'll be selling
the thing to the Texan.

So, you just tell me
how much. How much?

For-- for a
million dollars.

Take the wife to Ritz,

send the kids
to the Sorbonne!

Buy a caravan,
see the world...

- just let me go!
- Stop!

You're lying.

You're lying
through your teeth, Count,

and I don't like that.

You better tell me the truth

before I start mailing sushi
to your loved ones, right?

No, no!

Okay, okay, okay.

- $7 million. Satisfied?
- $7 million?

- Is that all there is?
- Uh, there's the cash.

- What cash?
- A million in cash.

A million in cash?

I told you
that it would pay off.

Where are you supposed
to meet the cowgirl?

I'll tell you.
I'll tell you.

I give her the contract

and she gives me
the million dollars.

If I'm not there
at 8:00 sharp,

the deal is off.

Don't worry, my friend,
you'll be there right on time.

And we'll be there
right beside you
to get the cash.

Oh, sure.

Eric!

Eric! Eric!

Eric!

Gaston:
Let's get out of here!

Hubert:
Eric!

Hubert:
Where are we going, Eric?

Eric:
I've got to get
to the hair solon.

It's not the time
to get your hair cut.

Hubert:
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Eric:
That's where I've got
to meet my buyer.

Oh, easy, Eric.

I can't close the deal
with anyone if I'm dead.

Just promise me
you won't sign anything

till you talk to my buyer.

Yeah.
Where's my shirt?

We forgot my shirt.

What a day.

Oh. Damn police.

Where were they this morning
when I needed them?

Eric, are you crazy?

No, just in a hurry.

Lucretia,
thank God you're here.

Where else would I be?

Oh, not again.

What are you up to?

You tricked me.

Hubert:
Eric!

Eric.

Eric!

So you see,
it was all a big
misunderstanding.

Really nothing happened
between the Count and I.

She's telling the truth.

Besides, if she
really slept with him,

I would have
killed her already.

Truce?

Eric?

Eric!

Let me
get this straight.

You buy St. Bernard,

Lucretia marries the Count
and gets half the money,

I get paid
all of my money back,

- and...
- And you might get me.

Say yes or I'll think
you don't like me.

Hubert:
Eric.

Eric!

Eric!

Eric.

Eric!

Eric.

Eric!

- Hey!
- Don't panic.
The money.

Come along,
little Contessa.

And you stay put
for awhile

if you want to see your
little chick back again.

And the money.

Did you find her?

No!

Help!

Help me!

Help me!

Hubert:
Lucretia?

Lucretia: No!

Whoa, it worked!

Lucretia:
Help!

Whoa!

Aah!

Come on.

Yeah, I know.
It's all in the wrist.

How is he?

He keeps on talking
about someone named
Louis the Luscious.

Any idea who that is?

Hubert.

Lucretia.

I'm fine, Daddy.

I'm fine.

Just another
two months to go.

But she's right on schedule.

I really can't deliver
any faster than that.

I have to go, Daddy.
I love you.

Bye.

Is that it?

Come and see.

Voila.

Hm.

Here's to our first

and our
very own truffle.