Hostage for a Day (1994) - full transcript

(calming music playing)

(birds singing)

(wind hums)

(calming music continues playing)

(birds continue singing)

(calming music continues playing)

(wind rushes)

(cheerful music playing)

(horn honks)

Good Morning, Calvin.

Good morning, Mr. Harding.

Hi.

(cheerful music continues playing)

Good morning, Mr. Clemens, how you doing this morning?

Fine, thanks, Mr. Harding. How are you?

Excellent. I'm doing very good, thank you.

Good, good.

How's your time doing?

Beautifully, right on time.

(watch beeps)

Good.

Whoa, geez.

('Money' by The Flying Lizards playing)

(doors slamming)

(engines revving)

♪ The best things ♪

♪ in life are free, ♪

♪ but you can give them to the birds and bees ♪

♪ I want money (That's what I want) ♪

(engines humming)

♪ That's what I want (That's what I want) ♪

♪ That's what I want (That's what I want) ♪

♪ That's what I want (That's what I want) ♪

♪ Your love gives me such a thrill ♪

♪ But your love won't pay my bills. ♪

♪ I want money (That's what I want) ♪

♪ That's what I want (That's what I want) ♪ (horn honking) ♪

(gasps) It's Hondo.

(horn continues honking)

He's early. Oh my God, I'm not ready.

Warren, get up.

I'm not gonna tell you again.

(groans) Who's Hondo?

Who's Hondo? (scoffs) Please!

He's 'the' contractor- Hondo does everybody.

Now, just make the bed,

I don't want this place looking like a pig sty.

He's a contractor.

(cameras whirring)

He looks expensive.

He is, and I want him.

He just did Jackie and she loved him.

Ron's a lawyer, he can afford that sort of thing.

The bed?

I print business cards and stationary, not money.

Tell daddy to give you a raise.

Elizabeth, your father's not the easiest man

in the world to get along with.

Besides, didn't we just finish remodeling?

God, how you hate me.

(dramatic sobs)

I don't hate you.

It would be nice if you let me know

before work men show up in the morning.

You sicken me.

Lighten up, it's my birthday.

It is?

(sentimental music begins)

Kiss?

I don't wanna smudge.

(Kiki barking)

Kiki. Kiki, Kiki.

Oh, Kiki, kisses for mommy, kisses for mommy.

We're gonna go meet Hondo.

(rock music playing)

Yes.

(cameras whirring)

(crowd chattering)

Not now.

(rock music continues playing)

(cameras continue whirring)

(Elizabeth moaning)

(faucet running)

You missed a spot.

(whimsical music begins)

Ah, thank you.

Okay, this is not good.

Other than this though,

I think I'm handling the stress quite well.

Oh yeah. You're handling it beautifully.

By the way, nice life you've got going for yourself.

I think the vacation's gonna take care of this whole...

Hallucination?

Exactly. Hallucination.

Hey, happy birthday.

Thank you.

Yeah. How old are we today?

41.

Uh-oh.

What, uh-oh?

Well, see, 40 gets all the publicity,

but 41, yeah, that's when the real bomb hits.

See, at 41, you're not paying any attention.

You're thinking, Hey, I got past 40. No problem.

But then you turn 41 and boom, unfulfilled dreams,

lost promises, regrets, guilt, shame.

The whole kit and caboodle.

Don't need this. Do not need this.

Seeing spirits, it's not even Christmas.

Gonna cut way back on my television.

(upbeat music playing)

(girls giggling)

We at Print-O-Rama,

we best in the business, cause we're fast.

(girls groan)

(pie slaps)

We can copy anything.

(girls giggling)

Which one of you is original and which one is a copy?

(spring sound effect plays)

(crowd giggling)

♪ Print-O-Rama, Print-O-Rama, Print-O-Rama! ♪

Come on down,

it's carnival day at Print-O-Rama.

(dishes clatter)

[Television Actor] Here, we make snow angels...

How am I supposed to compete with that?

You could grow breasts or get into some scantier clothing.

(whimsical music playing)

It's not happening.

This is not happening. It's not happening.

Oh please. Would you just give it up?

Of course it's happening. Face it, you're cracking up.

I am not cracking up.

I'm not even thinking about you.

All I'm thinking about is my camping trip.

Campfires, fish fries...

Freezing your butt off?

Nice time of year to go camping.

For your information, October was the only time

of year I could get off, all right?

I happen to like the foliage.

There's more crisp weather, less crowds.

I know, I know, relax.

I know everything you know,

but you're too afraid to deal with.

Maybe I am cracking up.

Well, that's why I'm here, to help you,

to help you get your life back.

(toaster clicks)

Your toast is ready.

Paul we're here at police headquarters

with Lieutenant Harvey Sneed,

where we've just been briefed on the latest,

in a series of bizarre kidnap-robberies.

Lieutenant, we have unconfirmed reports

that what we're dealing with

are two Russian mercenaries,

formerly employed by the former Soviet KGB

in their former Department of Covert Operations.

Their trail of destruction traverses the globe

from Angola to El Salvador,

from Afghanistan to Kampuchea, formerly Cambodia,

and finally to Melonville. Why Melonville?

Well, we don't know.

(camera whirring)

We just don't know, but they're into kidnapping

in a big way, and it scares me.

Ah, geez, should we do that again?

It scares me.

We're live, Lt. Sneed.

We're live... look, if there's any chance

we could do that again, please, I can't say scared.

I'm a police officer.

Thank you very much.

I'm worried, I'm concerned...

That's it from here, I'm Monica Etheridge,

reporting live from police headquarters.

We've got it under control, I've been to Cambodia.

Back to Paul in the studio.

Thank you. Monica Etheridge, formerly Monica Johnson.

Monica was married last weekend.

Couldn't resist it, folks.

On the lighter side of the news today,

hunting fashions take on a whole new look.

More on that in a moment.

(upbeat music playing)

(ducks quacking)

Warren, I think I'm gonna get us

a real good deal from Hondo.

Warren?

(whimsical music playing)

(Warren chuckling)

You know, those were the days.

(angry footsteps approaching)

(Warren sighs) Yeah, yeah.

A couple more years and you are there.

(cup clatters)

How dare you use the good China?

Oh, the happy box.

Are we feeling a little insecure today?

I believe the therapist said we should be a little

less mocking in our relationship.

Oh, was that what the therapist said?

Well, I'm trying, it's just that there's so much

in our marriage that calls for it.

(clock ticking)

Thinking of wearing your hat to work?

Was there something specific?

Warren, would you be very upset if I told you

I don't wanna go on vacation with you next week?

Elizabeth, please don't do this to me again.

I've dreamt about this trip for months.

I've rented all the equipment, I've made the arrangements,

please don't do this again.

Warren, I don't care about your silly little dreams.

Do you really expect me to go camping with you?

Besides we're gonna need all the money

we have for the renovations.

This isn't going to be cheap, you know?

What renovations?

I have finally found the right man for this house.

I'll make a deal with you.

I'll agree to all this remodeling.

If you'll just go camping with me.

I don't make deals.

Shouldn't you be going to work?

(construction equipment rumbling)

(wheels humming)

Hey! And just who do you think you are?

Oh, I own the place.

I thought you said she lived alone.

(cameras whirring)

Listen, buddy, do you mind...?

Buddy? My name is Hondo. H-O-N-D-O. All right?

Oh, Warren, you're still here, good.

You can take Kiki to the groomers on your way in.

Again? She was just at the groomers.

Can't you take her?

I think I'm gonna be a little busy today,

or haven't you noticed?

Elizabeth, I'm running kind of... (dog whimpers)

I'll let daddy know you'll be late.

Elizabeth, the dog hates me.

It's not you she hates, it's your smell.

There. Now you smell like me. You're safe.

Did I mention it was my birthday?

Goodbye Warren.

(Kiki yipping)

(cameras whirring)

(crowd talking and laughing)

All right, Kiki, let's go.

Kitchen, gone. Hallway, gone. Stairs, gone.

Waterfall. Fountain. Skylight. Yes.

Front doors, gone. Whoa, gone.

Aquarium. Big. Yes.

When can you start?

Well, as you can imagine, I'm pretty busy right now.

How much of a deposit?

Say 40,000?

Bedrooms, gone. Ceiling, gone.

(paper rustling)

(pens rattling)

(gasps) Well, we'll just let Warren deal with that.

(pen scratching)

Oh, I forgot to throw this stuff out.

Don't know why he hangs onto it, it's just junk.

(whimsical music playing)

(paper rustling)

Why, that dirty little...

('Ride of the Valkyries' by Wagner playing)

(helicopters rumble)

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Daddy, hi, it's me.

Hi.

Daddy, Warren's got his own little nest egg.

He does?

Well, there's an army credit union account in his name.

Can I have that?

Oh, I don't see why not.

Oh, thanks daddy. I love only you.

(screaming in pain)

Oh, and by the way, daddy,

Warren's gonna be a little late for work.

Just love it when things come my way.

(check ripping)

I love that sound.

Now that's a good girl.

How would you like to have a mimosa with Hondo?

Mm.

After me.

(whimsical music playing)

(birds singing)

(knocking on glass)

(rock and roll music playing)

We're here...

Going to have a great day!

I suppose I am.

(loud rock music continues)

Giant gorilla!

(bell jingling)

Hey, Ramon, how's it going?

(grunts) V.D.

What?

(grunts louder) V.D.

What are you talking about?

(grunts) V.D!

What is your problem?

You're late.

(toilet flushing)

Didn't Elizabeth phone you, sir?

(door creaking closed)

What has that got to do

with your not being at work on time?

I had to take Kiki to the groomers.

What is that smell?

(V.D. sniffing)

Why do you smell like my daughter?

Oh right, it, well...

I figured maybe it wasn't me that you hated.

It was just my smell.

Dammit, boy, get some professional help if you need to,

but stop embarrassing me in public.

Kooey, this was my first store.

Now, I have 21 stores.

Plenty of them make money.

Yours doesn't, yours cost me. You cost me.

Bad time to ask for a raise then, I guess.

Oh, you sicken me.

You have a very bad attitude boy.

And although I've tried to hide my feelings,

the truth is I don't like you,

but you're married to my daughter

until she comes to her senses.

I'm gonna have to put up with you,

but it doesn't come free.

Now, I want to see a new advertising

and promotion strategy in this store by tomorrow.

And this time, I want it to work

and don't forget your new longer hours.

I wanna see a profit around here.

And I'm not talking about somebody from the Bible.

(bell jingles)

(rock music continues playing)

(engines roaring)

(announcer shouting)

Ha ha ha ha! Come on!

(horn honking)

(engine humming)

(tires squeal)

Those guys are really good, huh?

Yes they are.

What about a Fiesta?

No thanks, I'm gonna eat in today.

No, for the store.

Homemade Mexican food, pinatas, music.

My uncle has a mariachi band. Yeah, man.

My mother and aunts can make the food.

Lots of people come to check it out for sure.

That's a good idea.

Can you work on that?

Of course.

So am I like, going to get promoted for this?

Just get the lunch, please.

That's right.

(phone ringing)

That's okay, I'll get it. All right.

Good morning. Regan's Copy Shop, how can I help you?

[Mysterious Voice On Phone] Do exactly as you are told

and no one will get hurt.

Put the phone down, step out the back door.

Do it. Now.

(dial tone rings)

Hey!

(wind roars)

(Warren gasps)

(Warren screams)

(eagle screeches)

Happy Birthday, buddy.

You know, I knew it was you. (upbeat music playing)

I Did!

You were screaming

like a politician.

I know that.... What your car smells like...

You were scared...

I know the preset of your front seat.

You thought you were in such big trouble.

I know your radio stations

('North to Alaska' by Johnny Horton playing)

♪ Way up north, to Alaska ♪ ♪ Way up north, to Alaska ♪

♪ North to Alaska, go North, the rush is on ♪

♪ North to Alaska, go North, the rush is on ♪

♪ Big Sam left Seattle in the year of 92 ♪

♪ With George Pratt his partner and brother Billy too ♪

What's that?

What's what?

By your foot?

Hey, don't be looking over here, man.

I see something by your foot.

What you think I'm gonna fall for that?

I'm not kidding man, there's something there.

Oh please... (gasps) SNAKE!

(both screaming)

♪ Where the river is windin' big nuggets they're findin' ♪

♪ North to Alaska go north the rush is on ♪

Huzzah, sir birthday boy.

You dare insult the Count of Monte Cristo?

Take this!

(Ronny and Warren grunting)

(sticks slamming together)

Oh, my finger!

♪ North to Alaska go north the rush is on ♪

♪ North to Alaska go north the rush is on ♪

♪ North to Alaska, Way up north ♪

Now, remind me, when we were kids,

we liked it when the smoke blew on our face, right?

I still like it.

(water rushing)

I love it up here.

I gotta thank you, Ronny, this is the best gift ever.

Happy birthday, man.

I gotta get up here more often.

Yeah. Well this isn't the real Alaska,

okay, you live like half an hour from here.

Yes, but I have new, longer hours.

You've gotta learn to start making time

for the important stuff in life

and screwing off is of major importance.

So I should just, what, quit my job then?

Yeah.

Go straight to debtor's prison. Thanks very much.

Well, speaking of which, Hondo arrived this morning,

I'd like to thank you for that. I really needed it.

I need the mustard too.

Yeah. I thought I saw his entourage

at your place this morning.

Welcome to the club.

How am I supposed to pay for that?

I keep telling you, man,

this is the nineties, you don't pay.

You reorganize your debt.

(water rushing)

(fire crackling)

A bunch of us chipped in.

Get out, who?

Well, no one.

I just wanted you to think

you had more friends than just me.

(paper ripping)

All right.

Now this is pretty much just to make me look stupid.

Isn't that it?

Yep.

Thank you. I think it's working.

Oh yeah. It is.

You ever think about taking off one day?

Just chucking it all bailing out.

(introspective music playing)

Uh-uh.

You know, you should come meet this new client of mine.

Yeah.

Name is Carlisle,

like you, right, thought he'd take off,

chuck it all.

So he does it and this guy makes it work

like for almost a year, 10 months.

All of a sudden outta the blue guy uses a credit card.

Yeah, so he's nailed, right?

You know? So you can go, but stuff always goes wrong.

That's why guys like me have careers.

Is there some point you were trying to make with all this?

Yeah, the point is we all get these feelings,

difference is, most of us are smart enough to deny them.

So if I were to reexamine my life now.

Man, don't. Reexamining your life only leads to trouble.

You know, you start doing that,

the next thing you know, you're in a men's group.

Yeah. You start drumming.

No, I'm not gonna drum...

Examining your chakras.

My advice. You keep it shallow.

You get a couple of distractions. Do your time.

So, you see life as what? A prison term?

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. Maybe you're the one

who should get some help.

Yeah, well maybe,

but never going to so it doesn't matter.

How are the headaches?

Getting worse every day.

Two years. I'm outta here.

Yeah, bull roar...

I'm going.

Yeah, uh-huh.

Which part of Alaska

do you think Elizabeth will like best,

the frozen wasteland part

or the icy wilderness part?

I'm working on that.

I know if I can just get her up there,

she's gonna love it. How could you not?

See you keep looking

for quality in a relationship. I keep trying to tell you

the secret to a long-term relationship.

Complete total disregard for quality.

You know what? You get a life without surprises.

I want surprises.

Yeah. And you keep thinking like that

and you're gonna end up in big trouble.

So having a dream is stupid, then?

Stupid. See, if you don't have any dreams,

you can't have them dashed.

Right.

Hey, listen.

I also got you this cellphone.

I just didn't have time to wrap it.

From a client, right?

So?

Ronny?

Yeah?

Let's stick around for a while. Come on.

Can't man.

No?

Nah, I have to be in court this afternoon.

(crows cawing)

Who's the client.

No one I'm being sued.

Hm.

Which reminds me, that phone: outgoing calls only,

okay, if it rings don't answer it.

Why not?

Just don't.

(whimsical music playing)

(foot steps clicking)

Alaska.

Beautiful, yes?

Yes it is.

Yeah. I've got a place there.

Oh yeah, where?

Do you know Alaska?

Every square inch.

Well, do you know the newer sections?

I mean, this is, this is new.

This is south Juno Heights. It's a... what?

We've just incorporated. Growing community.

And I thought Davey Crockett didn't lie.

(cars hum outside)

Diane?

(Diane laughing)

Diane, I didn't recognize you being so, so...

So short?

Short? Yes.

Yeah, good to see you.

You too, you look terrific.

Oh no, you...

Look at those eyes of yours. Just the same.

For you. I mean, you haven't changed a bit.

Thanks.

How long you been in town?

A couple of weeks.

Yeah?

Visiting then.

No, actually my grandmother died.

So I'm here selling the house.

But with the market the way it is,

I really have no idea how long I'm staying.

You know, for your sake. I hope it doesn't sell.

I be your pardon.

Too quickly because you know,

you want that market turn around, could take months,

you know, and that'd be good, you know?

Cause I'd like to see you.

Oh.

It's great to see you

Who belongs to this and this?

That would be me.

Hi, I rented all this stuff

and my plans have fallen through now.

I'm not gonna be able to use it.

I wonder if I could return it early

and maybe get my deposit back?

You can't do that. No early returns.

Why.

Store policy.

What is that? Some sort of law or something.

It's a rule.

You know, it's attitudes like his

that make our society almost impossible to live in.

Would you call your manager please?

(whispers) Diane...

I am the manager.

Just let me handle it Diane.

Could you please cut me a little slack, okay?

Can't you just bend the rules for once?

No.

Okay. All right.

Hey, do you realize that your store is lacking

certain fundamental requirements

for people with disabilities?

How would you like to explain

why this retail store is not wheelchair friendly?

That was the old manager, I'm the new manager

and things are going to be different around here.

Just, oh, look at this.

This was filled out two weeks ago before store policy.

It's a loophole, but I can work it for you.

I hope you have a very nice day.

Thank you.

(peaceful music playing)

Everything still looks the same. Doesn't it?

Yep.

Diane, I gotta thank you for helping me out back there.

What are friends for? Speaking of which,

Do you ever see any the old gang?

Yeah. I see Ronny,

but everyone else moved away, like you.

(people talking and laughing)

(kids laughing and screaming)

You guys wanna come over to my house to watch color TV?

Nah, I gotta get home.

Yeah, and I gotta go see my grandma.

Suit yourselves, come on let's go!

Thanks for taking me to the movies, Warren!

That's okay, Diane, 'North to Alaska'

is one of the greatest movies of all time.

Yep.

And John Wayne, he's one of the best actors in America.

Maybe the world.

And he knows how to take a punch.

Alaska looks pretty good, doesn't it?

Yeah, it looks like it could be fun.

But what I don't get is what do the women do?

I mean the guys look for gold,

get drunk and fight each other.

But the women just seem to walk around inside the saloon.

It's weird. Isn't it?

Yeah.

We're moving away on Monday.

What?

My dad got a job in California.

You're kidding.

No, I'm not.

So I guess that means I can't go to your party next week,

but I got you this present.

Happy birthday.

(paper rustling)

It's a cowboy wallet. It didn't have any 'Warren's,

so I got you a Davy.

Maybe I'm gonna move back someday.

We'll still be best friends, won't we?

Best friends forever.

I better get going.

Yeah. Me too.

Bye Diane.

Bye, Davy.

(sentimental music playing)

Well, here we are.

So Diane, I, I...

If you don't mind, what happened?

I fell down.

That's it?

Well, there are a few more specific details.

Like going off the trail and being where I shouldn't be

pushing something too far.

But yeah, that's basically it.

It's funny. Isn't it?

How one little thing, one tiny event,

and suddenly your life has changed.

So what are you up to these days?

Oh, I make copies and I do office printing.

Well that's nice.

Oh yeah.

Do you like it?

No.

Good. That's good.

So...

Are you married?

Oh. Oh no... Me? Please.

Could you ask me that again though?

Are you married?

Yes. Yes I am.

And you.

No, I was waiting for you remember?

Oh, right, yeah, we were gonna move to Alaska.

Geez.

So, what do you do with your days?

Oh, well I have a part-time job at Marco Polo Pizza.

You should come by sometime for lunch.

Yeah...

Yeah, yeah.

I gotta go.

But you know, I might do that.

I think I'll take you up.

It'll be my treat.

You sure it's okay.

Oh yeah. Anytime.

Look, great seeing you.

It's really good to see you too.

Yeah. I never thought that we'd...

I know.

You know don't you wish things could've been...

(Warren sighs)

If we would've...

I gotta go.

I gotta go.

Okay.

Yeah.

Oh, Davy?

Yeah?

Happy birthday.

(whimsical music playing)

You remembered?

Sure, I do. Of course.

Hey, I bought you a wallet.

(Diane laughs)

Wait...

All right, well...

Bye.

(Diane sighs)

(sentimental music playing)

(sentimental music continues playing)

(engine rumbling)

(sentimental continues music playing)

(lip smacking)

(Elizabeth grunts)

(Elizabeth punches Warren)

(Warren Grunts)

(Warren groans)

Warren, it's only you.

(Warren gasping for breath)

(high pitched voice) Well, something smells good.

Well, it should...

(Kiki barking)

It's for Kiki.

Here's your dinner,

special coupon from Fong's came in the mail this morning.

Oh, if you don't want Chinese,

there's some menus in the drawer.

Toodles, Kiki!

(Kiki barks)

Relax, I'm gonna order my own.

In our... at our age,

you can't afford to be too careful, you know?

(audience laughs)

Grinders have a good start to the third.

Now they come out with a Gretzky line

and the Blackhawks have the Roenick line out there.

And Russian authorities have confirmed

that Yuri and Andre Petrovich were two ex party hardliners

who were disillusioned with the Russian system

and came here to start a new life.

A life of crime.

I'm Jesus Bonilla, reporting live.

Excuse me, what were their names again?

We're live.

Oh. Sorry.

(Warren sighs)

Why are you avoiding me?

I'm trying to help you.

With what?

[Reflection Warren] You know, your life,

ticking clock, following your bliss,

reclaiming your backbone, being happy,

getting back on track, serving your true self.

Doing it. Do I need to go on?

(water drains loudly)

By the way, happy birthday.

(engine rumbling)

(announcer shouting)

(engine roaring)

(people cheering)

(mariachi music playing)

What do you think about it?

This is all right.

Hey, gimme this, will ya?

Don't wanna scare everyone away.

Isn't real.

Yeah, I know, it looks real.

I'd rather not lose the few customers we have.

These are not customers, these are my relatives.

(mariachi music continues playing)

Free food. That is interesting.

How about I get a copy machine and give away free copies?

Absolutely right, I'm very sorry.

It's just for today. Okay.

How much... (speaking Spanish)

You manager here, right?

Yes.

Nice store.

Thank you.

A small peace offer.

Huh?

It's autographed.

Sorry for any hardship my store is causing you.

Oh, you're Humble Howie Hohenstein.

Hohenstein?

My last name used to be Ho,

I changed it to Hohenstein, sound more American.

Humble Howie. Catchy, uh-huh?

Uh-huh.

It's all in the book.

You want some good advice?

Please.

Take big chances.

Okay.

Now I have to go. Ladies?

(car door slams)

Traitor!

You call this Sales promotion?

(chips crack)

You are the saddest, sorriest, sack of...

Thank God everything is in Elizabeth's name.

Now you obviously can't handle this job.

Tell you what I'm gonna do,

I'm gonna come back here to help you.

I'm gonna manage this store.

And teach you what a little hard work is all about.

(crowd muttering in English and Spanish)

(dramatic music begins)

Where do you think you're going?

(crowd noises and music intensify)

Where do you think you're going?

Out.

What is that supposed to mean?

I guess it means I quit.

You can't quit. You can't get away from me.

(engine revs)

You can't leave me.

(dramatic music continues)

All right. Run. Run. RUN!

(wheels squealing)

(construction equipment humming)

(hammers pounding)

Elizabeth.

(dramatic music playing)

Elizabeth?

You were doing the bathroom.

We need to open it up a bit.

And then a skylight.

Oh.

Jackie was so right about you.

(groaning) I know.

I know, well you'll love the kitchen.

Yes!

Center island.

Yes!

Pine floor!

Oh, yes!

French appliances.

Yes! Yes!

A fire place.

Oh, yes!

Wow! Oh God.

(thudding and grunting)

Oh, tell me about the tile again.

More grouting.

Yes.

(traffic rumbling)

Here you go. Thanks a lot.

Okay, and he wants the pizza too, right?

Diane!

Warren?

Hi. We've gotta talk.

I'm a little busy right now.

Yeah, I know.

But you see, I'm changing my life

and you are gonna be a part of it.

I see.

Excuse me. Gina, would you take over for me please?

And don't forget the pepperoni pizza.

Warren, what is going on with you?

Hi.

Hi.

Hello?

Hello.

You've got the most beautiful eyes.

Thank you. Warren what is all this

about changing your life?

Oh, oh right. My life.

Pardon me, sir, could you move down one place?

Diane, remember when you said little things

can change the world?

Yes.

There've been a couple of little things lately.

And your world has changed.

Completely.

Diane.

I love you I always have.

Now, a very successful man

told me to take big chances.

Will you take them with me?

Okay. Well what exactly does that mean?

You, me, Alaska.

Truth. Beauty, happiness.

Well, I believe in those things.

Great. Let's go.

Wait... Wait a minute.

Now for one thing, I don't get off work until 10.

And for another thing you're still married. Aren't you?

Good point. Yeah.

Look, Warren, ever since my accident,

I've had this chance to rebuild a life

and it's become very important to me to do it right.

So, if you're suggesting...

Oh no, no, no, no, no.

Say no more.

I'm just gonna take care of a few things and I'll be back.

Don't go anywhere.

Oh, you have the cutest little ears.

Isn't this great?

(diners laugh)

I'll bet you're still tingling, aren't you?

That was incredible.

Elizabeth.

Whoa.

Hey Hondo.

Hey, you're doing a great job out there.

Really? You think so? That's very...

What are you doing home?

Why aren't you at work?

Oh, I quit.

Which reminds me. I'd like a divorce please.

What did you say?

A divorce.

Here's the thing Elizabeth.

You and I don't make each other happy.

Now I've got a chance to straighten out my life

and I'm sure you don't wanna come along.

Wow.

Wow.

Very direct. You're a very direct man.

I'm very impressed with you.

Oh, well now it's a male bonding thing.

No, it was just a...

Wait for me downstairs.

Go on. Go, go, go, go, go.

Look, Mr. King of the wild frontier.

I am not going through

the public humiliation of a divorce.

And where do you think you're going to? Alaska?

Yep.

Yep.

(Warren chuckles)

Well not without the money you aren't

(music becomes foreboding)

Did you actually think you could hide that account from me?

(Elizabeth laughing maniacally)

(footsteps thudding on stairs)

(dramatic music continues)

(evil laughter continues)

(Warren screams)

(collapsing buildings roar)

(wind wails)

If I were you I'd go beg daddy for your job back.

(melancholy music playing)

(ceramic shatters)

(Elizabeth sobbing)

How are you feeling about it?

Terrible.

You know how awful my kitchen is?

Yes.

If the work stops now it'll never get done.

Oh, I know darling, but I meant about Warren.

Oh that well, he'll be all right.

He won't do anything. Never does.

Biscuit.

('Great Balls of Fire' by Jerry Lee Lewis playing)

♪ You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain ♪

♪ Too much love drives a man insane ♪

♪ You broke my will, but what a thrill ♪

♪ Goodness gracious, great balls of fire ♪

♪ I laughed at love 'cause I thought it was funny ♪

♪ You came along and you moved me honey ♪

♪ I've changed my mind, this love is fine ♪

♪ Goodness gracious, great balls of fire ♪

♪ Kiss me, baby, ooh, feels good ♪

♪ Hold me, baby ♪

♪ Well, I want to love you like a lover should ♪

♪ You're fine, so kind ♪

♪ Got to tell this world that you're mine, mine, mine, mine ♪

♪ I chew my nails and then I twiddle my thumbs ♪

♪ I'm real nervous, but it sure is fun ♪

♪ Come on, baby, you drive me crazy ♪

♪ Goodness gracious, great balls of fire ♪

(Warren grunts)

You talking to me?

I don't think so. You talking to me?

Talking to me? Are you talking to me?

Yeah, I am.

I'm talking to you.

What's with the gun?

I'm a man, okay?

I happen to think better with a gun around.

It's a toy.

So?

[Reflection Warren] And what's with the get up?

What, did you send out to ACME bomb company?

You should get going, you know you're free.

You've done it. Go on, go.

Haven't you forgot about something? Huh?

What about the money?

How am I gonna get my money?

I don't think you thought about that, did you?

You got me there.

Okay, do you have a plan?

Maybe.

[Reflection Warren] Maybe?

Yes. Yes I do.

I have a plan.

All right.

I'm all ears, Mr. Smarty pants.

Look, pal, weren't you the one

who was telling me to get my spine back,

to act, to get free?

Well, you should be all choked up

because I'm taking your advice.

I'm getting free.

You're in a bathroom with a plastic gun

and you're wearing road flares.

Yes, exactly.

Stick around.

Oh boy.

Warren?.

(Warren breathing heavily)

(door slams)

I wanna talk to you...

(Kiki barking)

Kiki, what is...

(Kiki continues barking)

Warren? What have you done to my good towels?

(Warren moaning)

God... Warren?

Elizabeth, listen very carefully.

I've been taken hostage by those Russian kidnapper guys.

The MGB ones?

KGB.

Whatever.

(face slams against door)

Honey, you gotta help me.

(Russian accent) Do exactly as you are told

and no one gets hurt.

Understand?

Are you speaking to me?

(doorbell rings)

Oh, there's someone at the door.

I'll be right back.

Wait... Wait, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth, which...

(knocking on the door)

Oh Jackie, thank God you're here.

Are you okay, sweetheart?

I just thought I'd come and check in.

Oh, this can be so great.

You think? Front doors gone.

Stunning.

Skylight.

Oh.

Staircase gone.

Oh, stunning.

Waterfall.

Oh!

Fountain.

Oh, I'm green.

Bedrooms gone.

Stop.

Ceiling gone!

Really?

No, I think they're gonna paint that.

And Warren's okay with all this?

Warren!

Gone?

No, he's been kidnapped.

Where is he?

In the bedroom!

Oh!

(heavy knocking on the door)

Hello?

(Russian accent) We are wanting $50,000.

No police or he dies.

Are you crazy? If I had that kind of money,

don't you think I'd have a pool?

Elizabeth, would you listen to the man please?

Oh, hi Jackie, I didn't see you...

Sorry, as you can see, I'm a walking time bomb.

Now if these guys don't get what they want,

they're gonna blow me up...

And the house.

THE HOUSE?

(both screaming) They're gonna blow up the house!

Wait...

(women continue screaming)

(suspenseful music playing)

(door slams)

[Reflection Warren] One question over here,

Mr. President, would that be your plan?

Yes. Yes it is.

What are you looking at?

(sirens blaring)

(suspenseful music playing)

(car doors slamming)

(guns cocking)

I said no police.

Move it.

I can't see a thing.

How could she get that wrong?

(suspenseful music continues)

(music lowers in intensity)

(hawk screeches)

Wrong house! Other side!

(music intensifies)

(officers shout)

(guns cocking)

Psst...

(bikes rattle)

(suspenseful music continues)

See? Little stick man runs off the pad. See, there you go.

(women laughing)

Okay, all right, now, how many were there?

Ooh, not sure.

Two, three.... I think... Jackie?

I'm not sure.

Gotta go with a number,

either two or three, make a decision.

Two.

Two.

All right, good.

Okay.

Now, were they armed?

Were they armed?

(cameras whirring)

I'll say yes.

Yes. Okay.

Heavily.

Very good. Good.

And they made Warren

wear dynamite strapped to his chest.

(whispers) Oh, that's nice, it's good you saw...

They did?

Mhmm.

Well, I didn't see that.

Oh dear.

Well, where was I?

Gone?

(both women laugh)

(Lt. Sneed sighs)

Dynamite. Well, I'm trained for it.

Well actually I'm not, but the fellows are.

Don't tell the fellows I'm not.

(laughs) my little secret.

All right, now did they say what they wanted?

Oh, $50,000.

There you go, that's it.

(V.D. screaming in pain)

Anything else that comes to mind?

Anything else? Any little thing you remember?

They said no police.

Well, that's good.

You remember that, good answer. Very good.

Did they say no police?

Well, I didn't hear that, where was I?

What have you been doing?

Are you sleeping over here?

Are you with us now?

(Elizabeth laughing)

(Elizabeth yelps)

(Lt. Sneed yelps back)

Kiki was in there somewhere.

Kiki your child?

Yes.

Oh my gosh.

No, my dog.

Oh, the dog.

They're very close.

Oh, well that's nice.

That's great. Hang on to that bond.

Okay, now this very important.

Very important.

Did they sound Russian?

(game show countdown music playing)

Russian...

Russian, Russian... I'll say yes.

Yes. Okay.

Me too.

Oh, two yes's on that.

Well, they're Russian then.

Kiki girl dog or boy dog.

Girl dog.

Oh, isn't that nice.

That's great.

What has this got to do with anything?

I was just wondering.

When I was a little boy, I had a little boy dog,

a little sausage dog, Pepi. Little, wee legs.

I'd throw the stick and he'd run for it.

And that little tail would be going a mile a minute.

Oh, he was a cute little dog.

None of us saw the truck.

Look, I gotta go- Like to stay here,

but I really do have to go.

Oh, more questions.

(laughs) No, no, no more.

Mrs. Five, thanks so much for letting us use the kitchen.

You really do have a beautiful house here.

Thank you.

I did it.

Hondo.

Sneed.

Married?

Yeah, 13 years.

Good for you.

Well.

Give this to your wife.

She'll know what to do.

She deserves it (chuckles).

Excuse me.

Certainly.

Yes?

This is the sorriest waste of taxpayers money

I have ever seen, let's attack.

And you are...?

The father.

Of...?

Elizabeth.

Who is...?

That's me.

Oh, I'm sorry, didn't know. Didn't put the two together.

Well, you're the man I need to talk to.

Are you willing to pay the ransom?

No.

Daddy!

What?

We need it to bait the trap.

Fine. Get your own bait.

Daddy. Don't do this to me in front of these people.

It's embarrassing.

NO!

Daddy, please.

NO!

Please, please.

Nice family.

Who wants quiche?

WEOB news flash I'm Monica Etheridge...

(intercom buzzes)

Mr. Fife, have you finished that file yet?

Working on it.

The latest kidnapping victim

has been identified as printing executive Warren Kooey.

I'm standing outside the Kooey home.

Oh geez.

And as you can see, it is being remodeled.

We will speak to the contractor in just a few moments.

(suspenseful music playing)

(feedback whines)

Can you hear me?

Testing, testing...

(feedback continues)

(words inaudible over feedback)

If you people think I'm gonna give you any money,

you're sadly mistaken.

Don't say that... give me that.

(metallic bang)

(Warren sighs)

(grunting)

I'll do the negotiating.

(hands slam on metal)

What have I gotten myself into?

Oh, this is is just great.

What's gonna happen next?

I have no idea.

You said you had a plan.

I did.

I did say that I had a plan,

but I realize now that that was a bit premature.

I said I had a plan, but it was really more of an idea.

So, you don't have a next move?

Uh-uh.

(sirens wailing)

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Mr. Kooey? Sneed here.

I'm with the police department.

I just want to apologize about all the confusion here.

There's been a lot of cutbacks, a lot of guys that are...

Well, look, I don't wanna bore you with that.

I was just wondering how you were.

Can you talk?

Sure.

You know, not for too long.

Oh, sure, I understand.

Oh, can you hang on for a second?

Can I try these?

(over the phone) delicious!

I'm on hold.

I'll take one of these guys. That's fun.

Look.

Hello?

Sorry. I'm back.

I'm back.

(Warren grunts and breathes heavily)

(Russian accent) Listen, Mr. Policeman,

we grow very weary of your stalling.

Perhaps we should blow things up.

No, no, no, no need to do that.

Maybe I'll have one more.

These are really... Woo, I'll try...

Oh, try one of the swords.

These are fun.

Delicious.

You're welcome, there's plenty more where that came from.

It's really good.

(with mouth full) Sorry about that.

Look, we're trying to get the money.

It's just taking a little longer than we thought,

you're gonna have to give us till tomorrow.

Tomorrow, noon. If not, BOOM!

(phone rings)

Marco Polo's.

Hang on a sec. Diane, it's for you.

Line one.

David Crockett?

(sentimental music begins)

Warren, are you all right?

Oh, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Diane, did I tell you that I loved you?

Sort of.

Did you say that you loved me?

Well, you didn't really gimme a chance.

Oh, do you?

Yes.

Great.

That's gonna make a whole bunch of stuff easier

and it makes sense.

Okay. Now that we got that cleared up,

here's the thing I'm involved in a little situation here.

Warren, are you being held hostage?

I mean, can you use this phone?

Oh yeah. It's a cellular phone.

It's great. You know, Ronny, you gave it to me,

except for I can't take incoming calls.

Warren, are you in danger?

No, no, no, no.

See, I'm holding myself hostage

and I'm pretending it's those Russian guys.

Why?

For us.

Okay. Well for me...

Well for us, if there can be an us.

See, I've got to get my money back.

What money?

Well, look it's a long story.

I'll explain it to you later,

but I need to know that you're with me, Diane.

I'm gonna follow my dream.

So you thought you'd start by committing a crime?

No, no, no. It's not a crime.

This is my money, I...

Yeah, I don't know. I thought you'd understand.

Well, no, I don't understand

Warren, I think this is insane

and it's dangerous and I can't be any part of this.

I got us two tickets to Alaska.

Oh, then it'll be fine. I didn't know you bought tickets.

Diane. I have to see you.

Don't you think that's gonna be a little difficult?

Please, Warren, listen to me.

Turn yourself in. That's really the only option you've got.

No, I... I can't do that.

I gotta go now.

I'm sorry to have bothered you.

You're not bothering me...

(dial tone buzzes)

Warren?

♪ Maybe my sister, which is also my mom. ♪

♪ West Virginia... ♪

(car engine hums)

(car door slams open)

SWAT, now we'll see some action.

Hey there.

Hi Art.

So, this is it, huh?

No, no, over here.

It's all right. Did the same mistake.

So you wanna fill me any situation?

Not really. How many SWAT guys we got.

Three.

What?

Yeah.

Bunch of cut backs.

Not you too.

Brutal. Awful, but we're really good.

Good.

(country music playing)

All right, team.

Fan out.

You call that a fan?

It's very weak fan, come here.

Lieutenant? Lieutenant Sneed, a couple of questions.

Is it political?

First of all, let me just point out.

That what's going on here is a crime.

Well, of course it's a crime.

What I mean is it's a shame.

Well, it's a crime and a shame.

Oh look, if the kidnappers

or anyone who knows the kidnappers is watching this,

let me suggest to them that they give up.

That way is much easier for everyone.

I know on our side it takes care of a whole lot of paperwork

and reports and stuff, but it's just a thought.

Let me leave that with them. No pressure.

We're going to meet their demands.

(V.D. groans)

Thank you.

Any questions?

Oh, there's Hondo, Hondo!

Take care of anything...

As far as I...

(reporters shouting questions at Hondo)

One at a time, please, you'll all get your turn.

Good fellows, keep it up.

♪ Kinda fancies me ♪

♪ Woo-Woo! Oh yeah! ♪

(dramatic music playing)

(dog barking)

I've been thinking.

Me too.

I'd like to apologize for ever having made you question

the quality of your life.

Don't worry about it.

[Reflection Warren] Now here's an idea.

It's just a thought.

Why don't you go back to the way it was

and I'll just disappear?

(dramatic music continues playing)

It's the WEOB newsflash...

(suspenseful music begins)

(cellphone ringing)

(landline phone ringing)

Hello?

Answer-ay the other phone-ay.

Who is this?

Answer-ay the other phone-ay.

(phone beeps)

(cellphone rings)

Hello?

Hi. You all right?

Who is this?

Well, who do you think it is?

Ronny.

Maybe.

You all right?

Yes, yes, I'm fine.

They let you take calls.

Who?

Them?

Who Them?

Warren, are there any Russian kidnappers over there?

Define Russian kidnappers.

Is Alaska involved in any of this?

Yes.

Mhmm.

Do you understand what kind of big trouble you're in?

Yes.

Okay, well, see you at your trial.

Wait, wait, Ron, wait, Ronny. (dial tone)

(Warren sighs)

(suspenseful music playing)

SWAT one in position.

SWAT two in position.

SWAT Three... (shouting and groans)

SWAT three in position.

(man grunting)

(clock ticking)

(suspenseful music playing)

(alarm buzzes)

(Warren yelps)

(Reflection Warren screams)

I can't take it anymore.

I gotta get outta here.

Think.

Think.

Where are you going?

I'm escaping.

I'm begging you, please reconsider.

Reconsider. Ha.

I've got a great idea.

(suspenseful music continues)

(crickets chirping)

(dog barking)

Okay, dog (yelps).

Yes, do you have a refrigerator?

Is your refrigerator running?

Well you better catch it (laughs).

(both men laugh hysterically)

We gotta fish.

You bet!

Sucka!

(suspenseful music playing)

This is position one, I got something here.

What is it?

Permission to fire at will?

Negative. Negative.

Just observe and keep us informed.

Wait a minute.

Tell her to make sure it's not a reporter.

Remember how much trouble we got into last night.

YOU got in.

Yes, and thank you.

(Reggie yelps)

Spiders, I hate spiders.

I don't like this anymore. Take the job, she says.

It'll keep you in shape.

(Kathy making machine gun noises)

(suspenseful music continues playing)

This was a really bad idea.

(Ernie grunts)

This is SWAT leader.

Put on your night vision goggles.

Night vision goggles are for sissies.

You heard me.

Feel like an idiot.

Oh boy.

(shingles scratch on fabric)

(Ernie yelps)

(loud thud)

(Ernie grunt)

(Ernie groans)

(suspenseful music playing)

Howard?

(helicopter roars)

There we go.

Everybody's working tonight.

You bet. Melonville's finest.

(helicopter continues roaring)

(suspenseful music continues)

(Warren screams)

(Reggie screams)

What is it Reggie?

What do you see?

What do your eyes tell you, man?

(Reggie continues screaming)

(Kathy screaming)

(Warren screaming)

Don't shoot at your discretion!

They're working on a free market thing.

It's driving them crazy.

Oh. That was a short shift.

You never catch me up there.

No sir. Find this fella right here on the ground.

I'm with you.

See that movie, 'Blue Thunder'?

Oh Roy Scheider.

Isn't he good?

You could have gotten us killed.

(Gasping) I know, I know, I'm sorry.

Boy, you should be.

(glass shatters)

(Warren gasps)

Elizabeth is gonna be furious.

Tell me about it.

Well, you know,

if you think she's gonna be furious about that,

can you imagine if I would've gone like this?

(wood breaking)

(glass shattering)

I mean, can you imagine, for example,

if I would've done something like this.

(metal rattles)

Or this?

(items crashing)

Oh she would absolutely...

What if I did things like this and that.

(loud crashing)

Can you imagine (laughing)?

Oh, mister, I could just shake you.

I am telling Elizabeth on you.

Wimp

(egg cracks)

(Ernie groaning)

Take care Ernie.

We'll call Betty.

(ambulance doors slam)

(sirens wail)

(wheels squeal)

(crashing metal)

(Warren yelping)

Oh.

Oh.

(loud crashing)

This is inhuman.

So I gotta call.

My God, they're probably teaching him

some sort of lesson, Slavic barbarians.

This is a brave guy or crazy.

(siren wailing)

Or maybe both.

God, I wish I was better qualified to help him.

(loud crashing)

(glass breaking)

Take this, and that!

(Warren giggling maniacally)

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Sneed here. Kooey that was a brave thing...

Or crazy.

Or both. Are you all right?

Sure. No. No. Are you kidding me?

These guys get a little bit cranky

about that little stunt I pulled,

I guess if... No, no, no, no, please!

(Russian accent) Give me that phone.

Giving it to me or else you dolt.

(normally) No, no, no.

(glass breaking)

(loud crashing)

(Warren screaming)

Please, please stop.

(glass breaking)

(loud crashing)

Oh!

(heavy thuds)

Hello?

Hello? Hello Kooey?

Now, you see, I hate that.

Give a listen. Am I cut off or am I on hold?

I don't hear anything.

No, if you're on hold.

Why don't they play music? Huh?

You know, shows we care.

(loud banging)

(heavy breathing) Hello.

A polite way of saying would you hang...

Hello, Kooey, are you all right?

(Russian accent) Kooey is temporarily

out of breath from the beating.

I want to hear that from him, please.

Hello?

Kooey, hang in there.

We'll have you out in a second.

(Russian accent) You have the money here?

Everything okay.

If no, everything very bad.

Can you hang on a second? What?

Is this pizza?

Pizza?

(train whistle blows)

Your pizza's here.

What?

My pizza?

Oh.. Yeah, hold on a sec.

(sentimental music playing)

(Russian accent) Yes, send in pizza,

but no police, send in the girl.

I'm not risking another hostage.

Kooey loses a finger for every minute you delay.

(Lt. Sneed sighs)

Jerry, get rid of it.

You willing to deliver the pizza?

Yes.

(crowd whispers)

(wheelchair rattles)

(knocking on door)

(sentimental music continues playing)

I don't like it.

(Diane gasps)

(crowd rumbles in concern)

I knew that was gonna happen.

You called it.

I did, didn't I?

I didn't see it coming.

Not at all. I did.

I did, saw it coming. Saw it.

(slamming on car roof)

Sure I can't get you anything?

No, thanks.

Soft drink and coffee.

Sorry about this mess, we're renovating.

And...

This is....

I'll tell you what I've learned though.

I've learned there's a big difference

between a plan and an idea.

See a plan, there you've got things that...

(sentimental music continues)

Thank you for coming.

I'm really glad you changed your mind.

I didn't change my mind.

I came to get you.

I want you to come out with me.

I can't do it, Diana.

This has all gone too far. I said no police and now.

Yeah, but you can explain all that.

I don't want to explain. I'm tired of explaining.

I just want to go.

I wanna stop wasting my life and I want you to come with me.

(over the speaker) Send out the pizza girl.

You have to go.

(Diane sighs)

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

(sentimental music continues)

Are you all right, miss?

How was it in there? Is Mr. Kooey holding up?

Not really.

I knew it.

He's just not himself.

Ah, I knew it.

Maybe he hasn't been himself for a long time

and I'm glad that he's finding himself again.

And that we found each other again.

I love him, but this just isn't right.

I mean, it's right. But he's going about it all wrong.

You know? I mean, you can't start a new life

with someone by committing a crime.

I mean, you can, but that's not the kind of life

he's after. We're after...

He's sweet and he's kind

and he deserves the best life possible

and it has to start out properly.

Doesn't it?

What are you saying?

Well, what I'm saying is that he, well,

there are no kidnappers, it's just him and the dog in there.

I knew it.

Everybody into position.

I didn't see that one coming.

You didn't?

Not at all.

No, I missed that one too.

I had no clue.

I saw it. Saw it all the way.

(machine gun fire rattles)

(crowd screams)

Would you fellows be SWAT members?

(Russian accent) No.

Am I in a little bit of trouble then?

No. I'd say you were in a very big bit of trouble.

Stand back, or I'm gonna blow us all to kingdom come.

(bones cracking)

(Russian music playing)

(switch flicking)

Faulty wiring.

(Yuri tsking)

(Kiki barking)

Look!

(Russian goons fawning over Kiki)

(skulls knock together)

(Russians groan)

After him, after him!

(gunfire rattles)

(flares sizzle)

Oh, fellas,

Here are those flares you ordered.

What flares? Did you order any flares?

No, I didn't even see the catalog.

(Russians scream)

(gunfire rattles)

(Russian music playing)

Get him, where is he?

You get him, I'll get the dog!

All right!

(door knob rattles)

Were you going somewhere?

You know, stretch the legs, you know, a little fresh air.

I'm afraid that won't be possible.

No?

No, you're going to be very tied up. Get over here.

That's basically. That's all we know.

And that that's pretty much the, the scope of it.

Howard, do you have anything you want to add?

Ditto. Yeah, we really don't know anything.

(both laughing)

If you folks would like to help yourself

to some, you know, fresh donuts and some hot coffee,

we made a run for you, please go over there.

And, if we do know anything,

you'll be the first that we tell,

I can guarantee you that, huh Howard?

Thanks for your help.

All right then.

Thanks.

You know, you guys are useless.

Ditto.

That, my friend, is why I do not dabble in politics.

Tell you.

Well, you see, they just like to, you know,

build you up just so they can, you know, tear you down.

I'll say.

Yeah.

The knees right from under you.

Yeah.

You see that movie 'Broadcast News'?

Oh, Albert Brooks.

He's funny, isn't he?

Well, yeah.

When your birthday comes, must jump out,

January, February, March, April, May, June,

(jump rope striking the pavement)

July, August, September, October, November, December.

Can we pick it up here? I'm trying to stay awake.

Come on guys.

(crowd murmuring)

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...

Coming close...

Harv? Can I have a C please?

There's no C.

You're telling me that's not squirrel.

It's squirrel, yes.

Can I have my C please?

There's no C in squirrel.

Can I just have my C please?

I'm not gonna...

we're playing by English rules, are we not?

(Warren breathing softly)

(traffic humming)

Psst. Over here.

(Kiki growls)

Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah. I'm fine.

Sh wait.

Sorry.

(dramatic music begins)

Who are you speaking with,

Mr. Road flares?

My ego, or my id, or something. It's a hallucination.

Don't be crazy with me.

(Kiki barking)

(gunfire rattles)

(crowd screaming)

(gunfire continues)

(phone rings)

Sneed.

Where is money?

Who is this?

What's going on?

We want the money now.

Who is this?

Where's the other Russian guy.

You listen and be listening very carefully

because I'm only going to say this one time.

You have three minutes to send in here, the money,

or I send him out in pieces.

Okay. But you must stop the shooting.

You're scaring everybody.

(gunfire rattling)

(Russian music playing)

Don't tell me what to do.

Where is the money?

It's being secured as we speak, but please be careful.

This is a neighborhood.

And this is a kidnapping,

it needs money to reach its full potential.

I understand that.

Thanks for calling

(tires squealing)

(doors slamming)

Am I glad to see you.

They got guns and everything in there and they're using them

and they're not the same two guys.

You only got two minutes to send the money in there.

Get a hold of yourself, Sneed.

I'm not letting this money outta my sight.

So get used to it.

There's been shooting!

And they're real guns and they're really loud.

I can take care of myself.

All right. Okay. Fine.

Why the change in heart?

Because of your money thing. I just realized I don't care.

If you get hurt.

That's more like it.

Wrong house.

We've all done it.

Mrs. Kooey. How about an interview?

Daddy? Could you grab my compact?

Yeah. Yeah.

Daddy, there's cameras.

Warren, this money's just a loan.

I'm adding it to what you already owe me.

(knocking on the door)

(Russian music playing)

Give me the money.

No.

Give me the money.

NO!

Kiki... Kiki, good dog.

Give me the money, I mean it.

It's a good dog, bit the rope.

I'm not playing around here.

Neither am I.

No!

Yes!

No!

Yes!

It's working Kiki. Just a little more.

Just gimme the money.

I can't, it's against my nature.

Perhaps bullets will be more to your nature.

Boris Yeltsin...

Where is Boris Yeltsin?

(loud punch)

(Russians grunt)

(military music playing)

Boris Yeltsin... Kooey, you're next!

(glass shatters)

(suspenseful music playing)

(door slams)

(Russians groan)

The money, the money, where is the money?

Where's Kooey?

(men shouting)

(gunfire rattling)

(Kiki barking)

This way!

What are you shooting at?

(car engine revs)

(wheels screech)

(suspenseful music playing)

(wheels screeching)

Oh my God!

(Kiki barking)

My Kiki!

Let's roll, people.

(Elizabeth shrieks)

(classical music playing)

Don't let 'em get away!

(car wheels screech)

My daddy, get my daddy!

(sirens wailing)

(classical music continues)

(Elizabeth screaming)

Come on, hurry up, let's go.

Come on, let's go!

(sirens wailing)

Yes!

(classical music continues)

Let's get in. Get in, get in, get in.

Now. Where's Regg?

Regg, Regg? Regg, you there?

Oh, they're getting away.

(classical music continues)

Wow. Huh?

Yeah.

[Reflection Warren] You did it.

Yeah.

All those people who always thought you were so uptight.

You showed them.

Yeah.

Wait, who thought I was so uptight?

No one.

(Kiki barking)

Look Andres, the little dog has followed us.

What are you doing here?

Hey, come here, you... Ow!

The dog is vicious.

You're a little, cute dog, don't bite people like that.

(Kiki barking)

Don't growl at me, why are you always growling?

(classical music continues)

(Kiki continues barking)

(Russians shouting)

I'm sorry, I'm afraid of the cute little dog.

Why is he like this?

(Kiki continues barking)

Yuri, he's there, he's there.

(sirens wailing)

(classical music continues)

Come on, you moron, step on it.

(wheels squealing)

(sirens continue wailing)

(bicycles rattling)

(bike bell rings)

(sirens wailing)

(classical music continues playing)

Step on it, move it come on.

I'm going as fast as I can.

It's a Jaguar, it's not a lot, you know?

(wheels squealing)

(Kiki yipping)

(Russians screaming)

(bikes rattling)

(sirens wailing)

(tires squealing)

We're going the wrong way!

Hey man, sorry about that egg before.

Yeah, forget it. I probably deserved it.

No, isn't this great though?

I feel so much better already.

I feel free.

Yeah, well, it's been nice visiting with you

here on a conscious level,

but I think it's time for me to get back where I belong.

I'm gonna become whole again?

As crazy as it sounds. Yes.

You see, despite how nuts you appear to be at the moment,

in reality, you're the sanest you've ever been.

Hey, all right.

Course, people who really are nuts

probably talk just like this.

(tires squeal)

(classical music continues playing)

(engine hums)

(Warren screams)

(tires whir)

(dramatic music playing)

Oh God... Oh...

Up against the truck and spread 'em!

Don't shoot, don't shoot!

I give up, I'm sorry, it's a telephone. Don't shoot.

Yeah, and I'll take it.

Not gonna need it where you're going, man.

Ronny!

(Ronny laughing)

Nice drive. Except for the end there.

Isn't this amazing?

Amazing.

Did you hear from Diane?

I tried to reach her, man, I couldn't get her.

Come on, let's get outta here.

Listen, what I said before, about this being wrong,

that was wrong, What you're doing is right, man.

You gotta live your dreams.

All right, do you wanna come with me?

No.

All right.

Come on.

Don't... wait, wait.

The money, the money.

I'm only gonna take 47,000. Okay?

Yeah.

That's what's owed me. Here, hold this.

I want you to take the rest of it back tomorrow?

Huh? Give it back to them?

Yeah.

No man!

Why don't I take it, I got some expenses,

I got fees, closing costs, you know?

Right. What was I thinking?

Yeah.

What was I thinking? Of course. Hurry.

Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go!

(tires squealing)

Remember, no credit cards used ever.

Yeah.

(suspenseful music playing)

I'll be in the phone book, under D. Crockett.

Come on, let's get out of here.

(metal shrieking)

(loud crash)

(Russian music begins)

Why would you hit the truck?

I didn't hit the truck.

Oh no, you didn't hit the truck.

It just fell over on its own.

Yes, the truck just fell over on its own.

(explosion roars)

The money!

(Kiki growls)

The money, the money!

(car alarm beeps)

(sirens wail)

(dramatic music playing)

Our money!

My money!

My money.

Is Mr. Kooey in that van?

I was his friend.

Now I guess I'm just his executor.

(loud, dramatic sobs)

Say, you guys need representation?

You know anything about movie rights?

I sure do.

Cuff 'em.

I'm an attorney.

I mean, you guys are gonna need one.

You see, perhaps in your country, it doesn't mean...

(fire roars)

(melancholy music begins)

Are you familiar

with the concept of...

Oh! Kiki!

(Kiki barks)

Ow! Oh! You bad dog!

All right, let's go people.

Let's arrest those who should be arrested

and read rights to those who should hear 'em

and all those other police things that need to be done.

(peaceful music playing)

(birds singing)

(airplane engine roars)

(peaceful music continues)

So you enjoying the place boss?

We sure are glad you bought it- means jobs for a lot of us.

Means freedom for me.

So say anyhow, I'm gonna go check the guide boats.

Make sure they're ready for the people.

Fine. I think I'll fish a bit.

(peaceful music continues)

(birds singing)

(fishing line clicks and whirs)

Nice cast.

Hey, back off will you, I'm new.

You. What are you doing here?

Relax, I'm just checking in.

How are you?

Pretty good.

Well....

Something missing?

Someone.

Who?

(wheel chair rattles)

Me?

(water gurgling)

(fishing line clatters to dock)

(lips smacking)

Best friends.

Best friends forever.

('How Sweet It Is To Be Loved By You' by Marvin Gaye)

♪ How sweet it is to be loved by you ♪

Well I can see you don't need me around here anymore.

♪ How sweet it is to be loved by you ♪

Goodbye.

♪ Oh, baby! I needed the shelter of someone's arms ♪

♪ And there you were ♪

♪ I needed someone to understand my ups and downs ♪

♪ And there you were ♪

♪ With sweet love and devotion ♪

♪ Deeply touching my emotions ♪

♪ I want to stop and thank you, baby ♪

♪ I wanna stop and thank you baby, hey now, ♪

♪ How sweet it is to be loved by you ♪

♪ Oh baby, how sweet it is to be loved by you ♪

♪ Yes it is. ♪

♪ I close my eyes at night ♪

♪ And wonder what would I be without you in my life ♪

Is anybody there?

Hey, I'm getting tired of this.

I got groceries in the car.

Look, somebody send me a donut.

Just one... I heard you talking about him.

(whimsical music playing)

(child laughing)