Horse Fever: The Mandrake Sting (2002) - full transcript

Quo vadis?

- Talking to us?
- Yes.

Want a souvenir photo
with a Colgate-smile centurion?

lt'll be fun, Bepi, let's do it.

How much?

A few sesterces, barbarian.

Or, in lira, twenty euros.

The Colgatus smile comes extra.

No, it's too much.

Please, Bepi, you only ever get
one honeymoon. Please!

All right.



Can you take us
and the gladiator?

Centurion, please.

- Same difference.
- No, a centurion was always romanus.

A gladiator came from the country,
a real hickus.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Here you go, your sesterces.

Thanks. And the smile?

Hey, centurion!

Caught you at it again!

- You've got it in for me!
- Just applying the law.

l've told you 100 times!

Take money without issuing a receipt
and you commit a crime!

l need the money to live!

The fine's 100 euros anyway.
Want to pay it now?



100 euros? You're kidding!

No, but you get a choice:
pay up or go to jail.

How can l?
l don't have a cent.

Centurion,
that's your problem.

l can't waste time.
l'm taking you in.

Have pity
on a poor, unemployed man,..

..evicted from his home
with four tiny mouths to feed.

You house the Smurfs now?

- l feel sorry for him.
- Me too.

l haven't eaten a thing
in three days.

lf l can't be a centurion,
how can l live?

- Take this and let him go.
- No. Please.

l really want to.

- l can't accept.
- l insist.

What am l to do?

lf you insist,
but it won't happen again.

Go on, take the dough.

What's going on?
ls there a problem?

lt's okay,
l caught a grifter.

What's that uniform?

What d'you mean?
lt's my uniform.

How come? That uniform
was phased out 30 years ago!

lt was?
They never told me.

How about him?

- Let's go.
- Stop, you crooks!

Goddam it!

What's going on?

Nothing,
you've just been fleeced.

Welcome to Rome!

Another great sprint.

Try steeplechasing
instead of being a centurion.

They all fall for it.

You bet. They fell for it,
hook, line and sinker.

- That old line!
- What's up?

Wise guys!

Seen this? ''For sale,
call Bruno at meal times''.

Some guy wrote:
''You can eat in peace!''

Lend me a hand.

You expect someone to buy
this fossil?

Why not some immigrant worker?
For 400 euros,..

..they can have it.
lt'll help pay my debts.

Don't worry about money now.

We'll win at the track today!

- 100 euros on Pendolino to win.
- 100 on Pendolino to win.

Pendolino?
Pokemon will win the second race.

Count De Blasi's rocking horse?
lt's never won in its life.

You know why?
They were stabling him at Ostia.

And Pokemon's allergic to salt.

They moved him to Rocca di Papa
two weeks ago.

lt's a whole new ballgame.

Who told you that crap?

- My computer.
- What computer?

lt takes three things to win:

..one, intuition. Two, guts.
And three....

- The memory you lack!
- Right, memory.

So, Mr. Memory?

Confirm it,
100 on Pendolino to win.

Pendolino in the lead..

..with Pia De Tolomei
and Pokemon behind.

Go for it!
Go, Pendolino, don't ease off now!

200 yards to go..

..and Pendolino is heading for a win.
But Pokemon's coming up!

He's level with Pendolino.

They're neck and neck
but Pokemon can't be beaten..

..and, with one last surge,
he passes the post.

Who was your father, a donkey?

And your mother was a goddam slut!

Yeah! l win!

l am the champion!

How much?

Nothing. l'm too broke to wager.

So why all this fuss?

l don't know.
Self-esteem, l guess.

Go to hell!
Count De Blasi!

Congratulations!
Your Pokemon's won a race at last.

Thank you,
but the credit isn't mine.

My new trainer's the one
you should congratulate.

He's brilliant!

The horse was allergic to salt,..

..so he switched stables..

..to a place in the hills.

- At Rocca di Papa?
- Exactly.

How's this computer thing work?
These tips, with the mouse...

- WWF, right?
- No, WWW.

lt used to be the WWF.

l've invented this mega software..

..with the names, ancestors,
breeders, trainers, wins, losses,..

..star signs,
when they shit and piss.

Basically,
it's one big melting pot?

Everything goes in.

For each race, it picks the horse
likeliest to win.

Maybe your computer
lucked out with Pokemon.

- Computer luck, like.
- Did you pick Pokemon?

We never luck out like that!

We've met a guy
with a lucky ass for once.

Tech, how about a partnership?

l wish! But l'm a failed student
living on dad's monthly allowance.

- Got it!
- What?

A sure-fire winner,
tomorrow at Agnano: Aga Kahn!

Will you get rid of that?

The racing form?

Aren't we just using
Tech's computer from now on?

A matter of habit.

You know, l'm not keen
on these computer forecast things.

The good thing about a bet
is you read the form, think,..

..think again, doubt,
touch your balls, place your bet.

- And lose!
- Right!

But with a computer,
it's mathematical.

You'd better be right,
Ludwig Von Drake!

Buy me a sandwich?
l haven't eaten all day.

- Don't get sentimental.
- Can l tag along?

Sure, call up the family
and bring them too, you losers!

Great partnership we make!
Help the Needy!

Play along with me, okay?

Buttercup! All on your own!
l've missed you.

What time d'you call this?
Where've you been all day?

Can't you tell from my voice?
Working at Cinecittà.

You know Pussy.
This is Tech.

- What movie was it?
- An epic. We were centurions.

- ln the Coliseum.
- Running all day....

And marching! We're bushed.

Okay, centurion, get behind the bar.

l've been alone all day.
The waiter's off sick.

- Yes?
- A sandwich and a Coke.

There you go.

Don't overdo it.

Your wife doesn't know
you bet?

She thinks l've quit.
lf she finds out, she'll murder me.

Anyhow, she isn't my wife.

He's had one wife
who murdered him over the horses.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, and she had a bar too.

That bar was the love of my life.

She could suss out
when l'd been gambling.

The thing is, when he loses,
it's zilch, nada,..

..no fireworks in bed.

lt's not funny, you know.
lt's a nightmare.

Luckily,
l met poor Lauretta after that.

We'd won on the triple that day.
He was on a roll.

l was shooting sparks.
Quiet!

Why'd you pick another barkeeper?

l guess l've always got along
with barkeepers.

- Because of the till!
- lt helps.

What've your pals had?

Two sandwiches.

That's two euros fifty.

Here. Use this to pay. Go on.

Here you go, signora Lauretta.
Three euros.

- Your change.
- Thanks.

And the tip?

Keep the change for the staff.

See you at Cinecittà!

ls that idiot making fun of me?

Who? Pussy?

He'd never dare.
Be serious!

Look me in the eye.

You're not being straight with me.

l say you're betting
on the horses again.

Buttercup, what are you saying?

Everyone knows the horses ruined me.
lmpossible.

We'll see tonight.

l can't guarantee 100%.

l mean, maybe.
l'll do my best, buttercup,..

..but the movie business
is so stressful.

lt wipes you out
getting up at four in the morning..

..and spending the day..

..in Roman uniform,
with the chariots and horses.

The horses run
but the waiting's the tough part.

Welcome to Joysville!

- Got you, you little shit!
- Dad!

- You stole my uniform again!
- Oh, come on.

l'm not stupid!

lt was the veteran's reunion today.
l needed my uniform!

- l had a Mardi Gras party.
- Mardi Gras in June?

l've had all l can take!
35 years of sheer idleness.

You don't work! All you're good for
is losing at the track!

l'm retired now,
l should be resting,..

..enjoying my life.
But you're poisoning it!

Leave the poor boy be!

He eats, drinks and sleeps
for free in my home!

But enough's enough!

Get yourself a job.
And give up the goddam horses!

- l'll try, Dad.
- Like hell!

- You couldn't.
- Wanna bet?

Get him out of here
before l break his bones.

Why are you so crazy about horses?

Grandpa was a vet.

Even as a kid,..

..you wouldn't eat horsemeat.

Out of respect.
lt could have been a winner.

l didn't even play chess..

..because taking the knight
made me feel sick.

Even Sandra, your ex,
looked like a horse!

You can talk! They measure
your cholesterol with an oil gauge!

Stop it, Marco!
You'll make her feel even worse.

ls it my fault her ass is so big
she'll soon need a license plate?

- What a night!
- You said it.

- Chamomile tea.
- Thanks, buttercup.

Good job you made no promises.

Have you been gambling again?

- No, it was the eggs.
- The eggs!

- All those eggs!
- All those eggs! - Oh God!

Hello?

Who do you want?

Bruno Fioretti? From Cinecittà?

Just a second. Cinecittà.

Hello?

Go ahead, l'm listening.

Zeffirelli's assistant.

Go ahead.
Got some good news for me?

We all talk Tuscan, see.

The computer did it again.

Aga Kahn's not the one.
Bandit King is. He can't lose.

That's wonderful news!

lt would be
if we had money for a bet.

We can work out
the financial side later.

l'll be there in an hour.

Thank you
and give maestro Franco my best.

- Another film?
- Historical too.

- As what?
- A bandit.

A small part
but they need a tall guy.

Rinaldi the butcher's.

This is the Savoy family's butler,
Savoy as in cabbage.

l'd like to order some meat,..

..a piece of loin for a good roast.

Mandra, l know it's you!

You could pull these tricks
on my dad,..

..Meatloaf, as you called him,..

..but you can't fool me!

Okay, Pussy, stage two.
Off you go.

Hey, Muttonhead, so to speak,
got any good steak today?

My Florentine steak
will melt in your mouth.

- Done! Give me twenty.
- Right away.

Go on, sting him.

There you go.
Twenty pounds of steak.

- Good morning! - Good morning!
l'll be right with you.

- That's 210 euros and 55 cents.
- Okay.

Holy mother of God!

What's up?

Mad cow disease is back!

Jesus, let me see.

Mad cow? What d'you mean?

lt says here the health minister
bans Florentine steaks.

Bastard, you wanted to poison me!

l didn't know!

No, because you only read
the goddam sports paper!

Take this crap back
before l hit you so hard..

..you start flashing ''game over''.

Plague-spreader!

Saturday, January 10, 2001?

Rinaldi the butcher's!

Hey, Meatloaf, don't look so grim.
Come on, cheer up.

You've only got
your sorry ass to blame.

Hey, Fried Ears!

Seen Milanese?

He was in the bar.

There he is.

No, it won't win.

- Damn, Blackie the Musselman.
- Who?

Blackie the Musselman,
Nino Diamanti.

- A loan-shark who deals in mussels.
- For sharks?

C'mon!
His hair's like a mussel shell..

..so l call him
Blackie the Musselman.

Hey, Milanese.

Hey, Mandrake,
what can l do for you?

What're the odds on Bandit King?

Bandit King? Just a second.

- Bandit King's at five to one.
- Okay.

What's your stake?

These.

What the hell is this?

Twenty pounds of steak.

Worth 210.55 euros!

Paid in full!

C'mon, l only take bets in cash.

Hold on, let's meet part way.

Will you take the steak
for 1 50 euros?

Why think it over?
You can't get chicory that cheap.

All right,
100 and that's my final word.

100?

- Okay, it's a deal.
- Let's go.

At the final bend,
Aga Kahn still leads.

- Tech!
- Have faith. You'll see.

Aga Kahn's on the final straight,..

..heading for a triumphant finish.

There's no stopping him now!

He's falling back!
lncredible!

Bandit King pulls ahead,
passing the post to win!

You're a genius!

Nothing ventured, huh?

Cough up, Milanese.

One, two, three, four and five.

The bad times are over!

- That's mine.
- Yours?

Your pals owe me a bundle.

- A bundle?
- A bundle of 2,000 euros.

What about the interest?
l loan money to make a profit.

How big a profit?

ln all, you owe me 1 5,000 euros,
less this 500.

- Hey, l'm just their partner.
- You can't understand.

Sorry, but don't take on partners
riddled with debts. See you.

Hey, Blackie the Musselman!

Say hi to the Shrimp!

- Who?
- The Musselman's kid!

Go ahead, laugh!
You should be weeping instead!

You know, he's right,
whatever his name is.

Black Musselman.
lt's no laughing matter.

Good job we can laugh about it.

- Hey, Damp Nuts, you lost?
- How d'you know?

- l can tell.
- Look at you!

Looks like
Lake Superior down there!

Pretty Erie, even!

Frank Sinatra.

Hi, Mandrake. lt's been a while.
Thought you'd settled down.

Broken down, more like.

l could really do with work.

With that beard..

..l could use you
in a series on monks.

- On Saint Francis?
- No, ''The Return of Padre Pio''.

Okay, okay!

One hour's break,
not one hour and five minutes.

Don't mess up the grounds..

..and take your boxes
back to the commissary after eating.

ls that clear?

- Cerioni, have you got a pear?
- Yes.

Swap it for my dessert?

Okay, with the cheese.

- For your egg too.
- As well?

lt's bad for your blood sugar.

- The cheese is already bad enough.
- So what?

Do you mind?

l only leaned on it for a second.

l'm not a thief, okay?

This is my car,
not some restaurant table!

Aurelia Santarelli!

- Bruno Fioretti!
- Goddam!

- Crazy.
- How are you?

- Christ. Hi!
- Who'd believe it?

Sit yourself down.

Who'd recognize you,
dressed like that?

Look who's talking.

- What are you shooting?
- ''Police Precinct''.

l'm in ''Padre Pio''.
But l'm not pious.

The older you get,
the more beautiful you are.

Beauty's never been any use.

After 1 5 years,
all l can get are walk-on parts.

You're not the only one.

- l could be a good actress.
- Sure.

When l see the idiots
who make it on TV, it gets me so mad!

C'mon! You know that to get ahead..

..you need to be good at...
public relations.

lf l was good
at public relations,..

..l'd just place an ad in the paper.

- You never compromise?
- Do you?

When l have to compromise,
my hand starts itching to slap.

You're right.

- Aurelia, hurry it up!
- Coming!

My big scene. l open a door
and say, ''Hello, detective''.

Lucky you!
l have to pray in a gang of monks.

l'm at the Testaccio Theatre.
lf you get a chance....

The usual part?
''Programs here!''

No, Ophelia in an avant-garde
rereading of ''Hamlet''.

You'd read it before?

- Bye!
- See you, babe. Hamlet...

''To be or not to be,
that is the question.''

What do you guys say?

Hello?

Pussy, where are you?

The Capannelle track!
The computer's done it again.

Lethal Weapon, running 1,000 yards
in the first. lnterested?

Sure but what can we stake?

Big time,
l got dad's check today.

And l hit lucky.

Mom didn't feel good,
so she sent me to do the shopping.

And you know what that means!

l'll stake my day's fee, 1 50 euros.
Can you advance me that?

No sweat. We'll keep you posted.

Okay, guys, as we rehearsed it.
The monks sing in chorus.

l want you intense, moved..

..and mystic, okay?

Mystic, he said.

Mystic, all right!
That cheese was as hard as a rock.

- Rolling!
- Speed!

Clap!

''Padre Pio's Return'',
scene 70, take 1.

Action!

Regina peccatorum, enlighten
the dark side of our hearts....

Yes, l hear you.
Amen!

They're off! Lethal Weapon's leading.
He's going like the wind!

May God bless him!

For now and ever after....

You're praying?

l'm in a TV-movie.
Don't worry about it.

....to the home on high....

500 yards.
Lethal's still leading.

He's way ahead,
going like a rocket!

Let us rejoice
with the Holy Spirit...

300 yards to go!
We'll win hands down!

Glory to God in the highest!

200 yards to go! 100...

Go for it!

Where's he from?

Go, Lethal, go!
Don't ease off!

Second! Third!
Fourth! Last!

That can't be!

Cut!

l bet and lost
even my extra money...

Frank Sinatra! Who is this guy?

Get him out of here! Out!

Sorry, Frank,
l swear it won't happen again.

You don't get it, do you?
You and l are through.

lf l see you back at Cinecittà,
l'll bust your....

You get it?

l get it.

l told Pussy
it was set for harness racing.

But he wanted to win flat races too.

- lt's all his fault.
- So it's all my fault?

No, mine for listening to you.

l'd never have staked 1 50 euros..

..on a horse that comes last.

- lt wouldn't be the first time.
- Please.

What did you stake anyhow?
l advanced your 1 50.

You haven't even paid me back!

What's all this din?

We were discussing globalization
and got carried away.

Okay, but this is a public place.

- Yes?
- Do you have a card phone?

- Over there, to the right
of the bar. - Thanks.

- l never trusted that computer.
- lt's not the computer's fault.

- Maybe you don't use it properly.
- What? l'm a computing genius!

So give me a brilliant idea.

When dad finds out
l took the money....

Hello, Mr. Miccolis?

lt's Faiella.
Antonio Faiella, yes.

You're right, l forgot,
we don't use names.

That voice.
''Keep the place clean,..''

..''bring the boxes back,
keep the director happy.''

A bar in Rome, on a card phone.

l have the envelope
with the 2,500 euros.

Sorry, it slipped out.
Let's just say l have an envelope.

l'm kind of tense.
l never did this before.

Maybe l shouldn't do it again?
You're right.

l'll see you tomorrow at ten
as planned.

Goodbye.
Just a second, l forget where.

Which ministry?

Public works.

Don't worry, it's a card phone.

Don't worry.
Yes.

Yes.

Third floor, office 1 20.

l'll be discreet, Mr. Miccolis.
There, l did it again.

No names.
l'm kind of tense, see.

Hello?

Hello?

My card's run out.

lnterested in a gilt-edged scam?

lt's real dynamite.

Soft you now! The fair Ophelia.

Nymph, in thy orisons,
be all my sins rememb'red.

Good my lord,..

..how does your honour
for this many a day?

l humbly thank you.

Well, well, well.

My lord,
l have remembrances of yours..

..that l have longed long
to re-deliver.

l pray you now receive them.

No, not l.
l never gave you aught.

Who was that?

lf you can't take it,
watch ''Blind Date''.

This is important stuff.
lt's a rereading..

..with all the frills.

Let me tell you something
but don't get offended.

The guy sitting next to me..

..snored all the way
through the play.

Poor guy, it happens.

Did you think l was any good?

You were excellent.

Total magic,
like Roma playing soccer.

The trouble is,
the magic is never any use.

l've done small theatres
and cabaret for years.

No producers or directors
ever see me.

l saw you tonight.

You're not a producer.

You're... a friend.

Well, your friend
has a part for you.

For me?

As a Brazilian.

A Brazilian? Dona Flor!

Donny Flor? No, a young babe,
a looker like you.

- A real RonaldiOa?
- You bet.

So, tell me more.

A Brazilian woman, new to Rome,
full of illusions.

She doesn't know how to get ahead
and ends up on the streets.

- She's Sardinian?
- Sardinian?

No, she just doesn't speak ltalian
and feels a bit lost.

- That's Sardinian again.
- l know.

You're the actress.

l get it, it's a soap.

A soap?

We take someone to the cleaner's!

Come in!

ls this employment office?

No, this is
the building permit office.

Not possible!
l come all this way for nothing?

Calm down, please.
Tell me about it. Perhaps l can help.

l Brazilian, just arrive in ltaly.

Not speak good your language.
l feel lost.

l look work and police say
go employment office.

l understand. But this
is the Public Works Ministry.

So you give work to public?

l'd give you work if l could.

But the office you need
is across Rome.

- Not possible!
- Please, don't cry.

Let's go for a coffee
and sort out your problem.

Actually, l know a few people
in the employment office.

You very good man.

You seem like a very good person
to me too.

Come along.

Wait till you try the coffee..

..from our machine here.
lt's better..

..than your Brazilian blends.

Really? Thank you, dottore.

Enough with the dottore.
Call me Nicola.

Nicola, all right.
l'm Gabriela Cafu.

Cafu? Like the soccer player.

Faster than lightning!

Come in!

Good morning.

Good morning.
How can l help you?

- Can l use names?
- Please, go ahead.

Mr. Miccolis?

l'm Antonio Faiella.

Close the door! Close it.

Have a seat.

- Well?
- This business....

- Where's the envelope?
- On me.

Well then? Get it out!

Come on, hurry it up.

On the phone,
you had a Pugliese accent.

You're quite right.

l've been living in Rome so long,
my accent isn't as pure.

l slip into Roman dialect
occasionally.

l'm from Cerignola.

You're speaking properly now.
lt's you all right.

ls that near Bari?

Near whatever...
Who the hell cares?

Hell. You sound the ''H'' clearly.
We tend to drop it.

They drop everything in Naples.

Get the envelope out!

What's up?

l hid it in my undershirt.
lt's less risky.

l'm the one taking the risks here.
Come on.

lt's all damp.

lt's too muggy for an undershirt
but l needed one to hold it in place.

ls all the money here?

- We can count it.
- No, l trust you.

Will the money be enough
to get my boss the permit he needs?

You don't trust me now!

Actually, he told me to ask that.
l'd never have dared.

Could l possibly have
a receipt or something..

..to show to my boss?

A receipt for a kickback?
Are you out of your mind or what?

You switched to Roman again.

C'mon, it's pure Pugliese!

Hand the envelope over.
Come on, hand it over.

Hasn't he finished
with that pigeon?

Good coffee, huh?

Miccolis is coming back!

Mr. Miccolis,
the undersecretary is here.

They found us out!
What'll we do now?

Give me that
or they'll arrest us all.

- ''Clean Hands''!
- Hand it over!

l'll have to undress again.

So what?

Hold onto your bag.
This place is full of swindlers.

Come along, Gabriela.

Let Nicola
call the employment office for you.

ln five minutes,
with just one phone call,..

..we'll sort everything out.

You understand, my dear?

Who are you?

Me? l'm the door-handle cleaner.

- Who?
- Just kidding.

l'm Antonio Faiella.
The kickback guy.

Quiet!

Could you wait outside, my dear?

l have something to settle
with this gentleman first.

- l'll see her out.
- Just a second.

- l disturbed you? You were....
- Giving a helping hand.

For a hand-job.

- What?
- Just being witty.

You start shouting ''kickback''!
Hand it over.

lt's in my undershirt,
just to keep it safe, see.

- Oh damn.
- What?

Damn and double damn.

They pinched the money
on the subway!

- What the hell?
- You sound the ''H''.

ln Naples,
we drop it like everything else.

- Who gives a shit! Get out!
- What do l tell my boss?

- That you're a lamebrain!
- Sorry?

- You're a moron, okay? Out!
- A dumbbell.

Get out of here!

Get lost, moron!
Gabriela, where are you?

- Gabriela!
- Gabriela!

- She went that way.
- No, that way!

You can still see her shadow.
Run! Gabriela!

- He called you a moron.
- l'm the moron? l have the money..

..while he's left empty-handed!

300, 400 and 500.

Thanks, that will help pay
this month's rent.

Congratulations on your performance.

lt was a good part,
tailor-made for me.

lf you need me for any other jobs,
give me a call.

- Bye, Bruno.
- Bye, babe.

- Thanks.
- Well done.

- Bye!
- See you!

Tell me, have you two ever....

l'm afraid not.

The day l wanted to try,
l'd lost at the track.

l was afraid of risking it.

And she might not have wanted to.

Scientific reasoning.

l only love Lauretta.
Remember, Mandrake is monogamous.

You only cheat with horses.

l live with a permanent
sense of guilt.

There again, this society of ours
has lost its religion and generosity.

lf a guy lends you two euros
these days, he wants them back.

But, as far as l'm concerned,..

..if you give it to me,
it's mine, right?

- Right.
- lt's no use.

l should give this to Lauretta
for all the stolen tips.

- What?
- l said, ''l should''.

l'm not going to.

lt's not enough.
She deserves much more than this.

But l never have the big win.

A win at twenty to one
and we'll go on a month's honeymoon.

To which track? San Siro?

Arcoveggio? Agnano? Padovanelle?

Well, if there's
a good track nearby....

- lt helps.
- You said it.

Now we have the raw material,
use that mouse.

We'll hit the jackpot Saturday.

Last one there's a jerk.

No, no, no!

Saturday, you're coming with me.

Buttercup, l have to do
a screen test for a TV-movie.

l don't give a damn!

You keep doing tests
and they never pick you.

- Maybe this will be the one.
- No!

l told you a month ago.

lt's my parents' golden wedding
at Montecatini. We can't miss it.

Montecatini...

Did you give that money
to the right man at the ministry?

The half-Roman, half-Pugliese guy.

- What?
- He was from Puglia.

Which crook did you give
the money to? Who was it?

He wasn't a crook.
He didn't even count the money.

But he panicked
and ripped my shirt off.

- Faiella!
- Mind my collar.

- Know who just called?
- No idea.

- Miccolis.
- l knew it.

He called
because he didn't get the money.

You told him
you were robbed on the subway.

l never said that!

Where's the money l gave you?

- You don't think l have it?
- Quiet!

- Both of us?
- No, you!

How am l going to build this place
without a permit?

- l'll help you.
- How?

- With a trowel.
- Solve this.

Solve it
or l'll fire your sorry ass!

- l lost my shirt.
- Quiet!

- Both of us?
- No, you!

How did it happen?
l have no idea.

l don't know either.

You had to do
the simplest thing in the world..

..and you got hoodwinked.

l don't know how they did it.

How they hoodwinked you?
Couldn't have been hard.

Don't you start too.

They took the lot,
included your undershirt!

- Don't yell. Calm down.
- Calm.

Okay, let's carry on.

What did you do after?

- What did l do?
l went to the hotel. - And then?

- l took my key and went to my room.
- And then?

l took out my cell-phone.

What did you do that for?

- To shave.
- What?

l wanted to make a call.

- Who did you call?
- Miccolis.

That's it!

That's where you screwed up.

No, l knew l'd have screwed up
so l used a phone in a bar.

Okay. Was the place busy?

No, practically empty.
Just a group of people. Tourists.

One kept staring at me.

- A faggot?
- Probably... Don't be silly!

Now l think about it,
know who he looked like?

Just like the guy at the ministry
the next day....

Antonio!

Don't say it, Rosa, just think it.

Not a word. Look me in the eye.
What are you thinking?

l did it but l shouldn't have.
But what's done is done.

Mind your own business.

- What have you done?
- l screwed up real bad.

l bet you know this one.

''Famous ltalian racing horse''.
Seven letters.

lt starts with a ''V'', ''Var...''.

l don't know.

Varazze... Varese...

C'mon, who ever called
a horse Varese?

Anyhow, that's six letters.

The word's Varenne.

How do you spell that?

V-A-R-E-N-N-E.

Varenne fits. Thank you.

Don't mention it.
Even kids know that.

And you didn't know?

Never heard of the nag.
l've given up horses, okay?

Where are you going?

To find a smokers' carriage.
They treat us worse than lepers.

How's it going?

There's a risk factor at Montecatini
that's giving me trouble.

- What?
- The water. - The water?

The famous laxative spa waters.

Laxative...

Lacks interest.

Lacks interest? Are you kidding?
We can make a bomb here!

You think the horses go to the spa..

..on half-board
and take the damn waters?

No, they drink wine!

Bruno?

Buttercup!

Listen: ''A body motion''.
Ten letters.

Defecation.

That fits.

Bruno, thank you for coming.

l know how busy you are
with your work.

l wouldn't have missed
your anniversary for anything.

- Signor Romualdo, congratulations!
- Thank you very much.

- And you look after my Lauretta.
- Only natural.

Lunch is ready,
if you'd like to come in.

Hungry, hungry?
Starving hungry.

- Come on, Bruno!
- Coming, buttercup.

- l tripped up!
- Poor thing!

- Are you hurt?
- No, l'm okay.

- Use the bathroom.
- l need a dry cleaner's.

You klutz!

Don't worry. Go and get seated.
Start without me. Celebrate.

l'll go change at the hotel.
l won't be long.

- Young man, can l get a cab?
- Right away.

Excuse me.
Let me take this. A cab, quick!

Don't stay out here.
Go inside and celebrate. Have fun.

l'll be right back.

Here, take this.

lt's after two.
Where's Mandrake?

Here he comes.

About time.

- You fell in a cake or what?
- l'm sweet. Checked it out?

- lt's touch and go.
- We have to be sure!

Touch and Go is the horse
we need to bet on.

Okay! 2,000 euros on Touch and Go!

Heading for the finish,..

..it's a tight pack,
except for Touch and Go, way behind.

Alcazar surges ahead to win
over Caruso and Peter Pan.

Last, Touch and Go, the non-starter.

l don't believe it! Last!

What's up with your computer?

l couldn't be sure for Montecatini.

l see why you failed your exams.
You're a blockhead!

Quieten down.

Look at Touch and Go.

- Remind you of anything?
- That we lost 2,000 euros.

Who gives a damn?

l'm thinking
of more than 2,000 euros.

An ace scam!

See how he moves.
Take a look at his ears.

Look at him, not me!

Look at his coat.
Who does he look like?

- Pokemon!
- Right.

They're identical.

- TOUCH AND GO -

Enough!

This is the last race
in his pathetic career!

You're right. This nag's a dead loss.
lf l whip him, he slows down!

The amount he costs me,
l should flog him for cat food!

No, not the slaughter yard!
Sell him to us!

You want to buy Touch and Go?
He's a non-starter.

Don't mince words,
he's a piece of shit.

We're interested anyhow.
What's your price?

For this champ?

Give me 2,000 euros and take him.

For a piece of shit? Make it 1,500
and it's a deal.

Another day without food.
lf you can spare some change....

lt's not fair.

You were the backers
and now my computer's backed you!

You're not pleased?
That computer just about ruined us.

And you gave up horses?

This is your fucking problem.

You sure don't mince words.
Buttercup...

- l can explain.
- What can you explain?

You're a trickster and a liar!
You think l'm stupid?

All that TV-movie crap!

l always pretended to believe
your bullshit. You know why?

Well? Do you know why?

Because l love you.

You're right, buttercup.
l told you a load of crap.

But you must accept me as l am.
l can't give up the horses.

lf l don't see them,
think about them..

..or bet on them,..

..l go mad.
l'm only happy when l'm with them.

You understand?

You're crazy.

Yes, and now l've done
the craziest thing ever.

l've bought my own horse.
l'm an owner.

The Fioretti stables?

No, the Mandrake team.

Know what l think?

l think this horse
will change my life.

Come on, Mr. Owner,..

..change your jacket
before your life.

Mom and dad are waiting for you.

l'll be right there.

See why they call me Mandrake?

l weave a spell, l work magic.
Let's get changed.

See you tonight, buttercup.

Where are you going?
To Cinecittà with Julia Roberts?

l don't need to lie now.
l'm off to see my horse.

- l know.
- You're not jealous of a horse?

Jealous, me? Get out of here.
Off you go.

- Don't come home too late.
- A bit of straw and l'll be back.

Look who's here.
Hello, Mr. Miccolis.

Mic...?

...colis.

Miccolis? Miccolis?

Never heard of the guy.

Aren't you his Roman double
from Puglia?

Maybe but....

Just a second.
Give me back the money.

Or l'll go to the police.

To say what? That you took
a kickback to the ministry?

Why couldn't l?

We'd all end up in jail.
Me, Miccolis and you!

Dancing the jailhouse rock...

- You get it!
- Just a second, pal!

l'm a bigger crook than you.

My criminal record
would make your blood run cold!

l'm freezing...

Help me! lf l don't pay
the money back, l'm ruined.

Want to play the lottery?

l can't, l'm busy.
Come here.

l couldn't give it back
if l wanted.

What did you say?

Even if l wanted to,
l couldn't give the money back.

l've lost it so l can't.

Whereabouts?

- Huh?
- You.

- My whereabouts?
- No, where did you lose it?

At Montecatini. Great track.

ls it far away?

- Two hours or so.
- We could go.

- What for? l'm broke.
- Maybe someone's found it.

l didn't lose it
where someone could find it.

l lost it on a horse, okay?

- You bet on horses?
- You bet.

lt's my goal in life, my job even.

- You're lucky to have one.
- What? - A job.

Maybe l've lost mine by now.

Oh, Jesus.
Cheer up. Got a handkerchief?

l don't know.
Yes, l have one here.

Here you go, it's yours, not mine.

- The money wasn't mine.
- Whose was it? - My boss's.

- Your bus's?
- Boss's.

- Your boss's? - Yes.
- He can go to hell.

l wanted to tell him that.

- You could.
- No, he's rabid. He'll fire me.

lf l don't get it back,
l'm out of a job.

And if l lose my job,
my wife will throw me out.

Please, help me out.

- Mandrake always helps the lost.
- Thanks.

l have calluses.

Great hand!

Fine lines.

But it looks bad now.
Real bad now.

- The life line's long.
- lt goes on.

lt looks bad. But l have an idea
of how to help you.

- Thank you.
- No, please.

Look who's here.
Antonio Faiella from Naples.

Our new partner.

- l'm not sure about the partner bit.
- You're not sure? Come on.

- You'll get the money that you lost.
- That you lost!

Antonio Faiella, sit down.

- l'm still not sure.
- Sit down and listen.

Okay, the first stage in our plan..

..foresees
the replacement of Pokemon.

Excuse me,
is Pokemon a former partner?

No, Pokemon's a champion horse.

lt's Touch and Go
who takes his place.

At random?

lf you keep butting in,
we'll be here till Christmas, okay?

l didn't say anything...

Touch and Go is a non-starter
that we use to replace the other.

- Pokemon.
- Exactly.

They must look alike.

You took the words out of my mouth!
They're doubles.

But the success of stage one..

..depends, above all,
on Aurelia's performance.

- As what?
- A hooker.

Brilliant!
l've always wanted to be a hooker!

- Are you pleased?
- l want out.

Why?

You can go to jail for pimping.

Who do you think l am?
l'm an actress.

l'm not playing a hooker for real.
Right?

Exactly!

- Don't you mind?
- She's a natural.

Please!

Once we switch horses,..

..we let
Touch and Go run as Pokemon.

- Since he's useless....
- Pokemon?

Poke and Go!
Touch and Go is a non-starter.

He'll start losing.
One race, two, three...

At that point,
we launch stage three.

- l'm lost. What was stage two?
- The hooker.

Stage one: the switch.
Stage two: the hooker.

Stage three: everyone thinks..

..Pokemon is a piece of shit.

- No one bets a lira on him.
- A euro.

- Do we keep this guy as a partner?
- He's heavy.

The odds get better and better.

Twenty to one, thirty,
forty, fifty...

At that point, we switch horses
one more time..

..and let the real Pokemon run.

We stake a fortune on him..

..and we hit the goddam jackpot!

Big time!

Talk to him, l can't.

Maybe l'm dumb
but l don't get this.

Higher odds are good?
How do we share the winnings?

Let me explain.

Say we stake 1,000 euros on Pokemon
at twenty to one.

We win 20,000 euros.

Divided by five,
that's 4,000 euros each.

There are five of us.
One, two, three, four and five.

- You mean l win too? - Are you in?
- You've convinced me.

Me too?

Help!

What's up?
What's happening?

Quit hollering.
No one can hear you!

Give me the money!
Give me the money, goddam slut!

Get out of here, bastard,
or l'll kill you!

Thank you.
He wanted steal my money.

You're okay, it's all over now.

Saint Teresa of Tirana!
How l work like this?

You can use the stable bathroom.

- Stable with bath?
- Come along.

There you go.
This is my little nest.

You can clean up here.
Make yourself at home.

Look here.
We'll take a nice, clean towel..

..and make yourself at home.

Clean me there, please.

Here too.

And here.

Here too.

Thanks. l go now.

Since you're here, why not stay?
l'll give you 50 euros.

Not possible, sorry.

- Playing Goody Two Shoes now?
- Zaira!

God, my pimp! He very bad man.
Must go, thanks.

Why you not out working streets?

Some lout try steal my money!
Kind gentleman help Zaira.

Yes, l only helped her, okay?

Thank you.

Colgate smile..

..for you.

Must go. Client waiting.

Tell him.

- Must make euros for him.
- Euro! Eurelia, work name.

Let's go!

Here, Aurelia.
You were fantastic.

So were you.

A horse l can take
but some cheap hooker, no way!

Cheap hooker yourself! Who's she?

That's... Lauretta!

She runs the bar,
she houses me, see.

- l house you?
- No!

From now on,
you can forget being housed by me!

No, buttercup...

Buttercup, l'll call by later.

Where d'you live?

You can sleep here tonight.

Thanks, Aurelia,
you're a true friend.

lt's no problem.
l'm alone here anyhow.

Really alone?

Tell me something,
don't you have a guy?

l guess l'm a free spirit.
l have my habits and whims...

l want to be free.

True, that's the part
that wears down a relationship.

''Where are you off to?''
''What do you care? Where can l go?''

To gamble at the track!

ls gambling a crime?

No, a disaster.
l'd soon throw you out.

But we aren't together.

Even though you never know...

What?

Maybe you and l....

You mean a one-night stand?

No, three or four.

Keep counting, as long as all we do
is talk about it.

ls that all we're doing?

- You really think you and l....
- No way, we were just talking.

- Good night.
- Going to bed?

Yes.

l mean,
we could keep talking about....

lf we win this time,
l'll buy you a bar..

..and make you my perfect woman.

- Then we'll see who's talking.
- About what?

Just talking to myself.

Bye, Bruno.

Who is it?

What's up, Pussy?

Dad got back sooner than expected.

He found the horse
and threw me out!

Get lost, you layabout!

Dad, calm down. l may have
a job with the Pony Express.

A pony? More goddam horses!

A son like you l can live without!
You're out of my life, you shit!

l'm out on the street.
Can you put me up?

No way!
Lauretta threw me out too.

What is this? Halloween?

Where's Pokemon?

We rented an empty garage
from a widow.

- Who's paying? - Who d'you think?
Our partner, Faiella.

Signora Sanna,
l'm sorry you're a widow..

..but 300 euros a month
is a bit steep for a one-room stable.

You hauled me out of bed
for an emergency.

That's the price.

Take it or leave it.

l'll take it.
l get screwed every time.

Quiet, you.

Here you go.

One, two..

..and three.

- All set, Antonio?
- Another 300 euros gone.

Tell me, how many beds are there
in your hotel room?

Just one and filthy too.

- What do you care?
- Where can l sleep?

On the straw under Pokemon.

- The stink of horses makes me puke!
- You should see how l stink.

- C'mon, we'll squeeze up.
- l like to stretch out in bed.

- l can make myself tiny.
- Give it a rest.

- Half of me supports Naples.
- The other half's what worries me.

Go, Naples!

Maradona rules!
PelE' in the can!

The final straight.
lt's a close finish.

Sandokan, Masaniello, Alabama.

Pokemon, the favourite,
brings up the rear.

Way to go! We lost again.

l don't get this.
You're happy he loses?

You really are dumb, huh?

lt's mathematical.
lf he loses, the odds rise.

So higher odds are good?

Excellent! Two more races
and we'll work the scam.

l don't understand!

Pokemon's lost three times now.

What do you think?

lt's odd.
He's gone soft in training too.

You bet he's soft,
he's another horse.

- Your time has come.
- My times are pretty bad right now.

Stage four: betting financing.

Mr. Faiella, if we loan you
the 1 5,000 euros you've asked for,..

..what's your surety?

- We own our apartment.
- Actually, l own it.

Let's not split hairs.
Show the gentleman the deeds.

ls that really necessary?

lndeed it is. We certainly require
some form of surety.

Sure, so do l.

An apartment located in Naples,
1,070 square feet,..

..estimated value: 1 25,000 euros.
Good!

- May l have it back?
- Please.

lt's in the lady's name?

- No, my wife's.
- And l'm not your wife?

Sure, of course you are.

Excuse him.
With the baby on the way,..

..he's going soft in the head.

ls it a boy or a girl?

We don't know.

We haven't decided yet.

l'll have my scan this week.

Ah, l see.

And what's your job, signora?

Actress!

Actress!
What kind of parts do you play?

- Recently, l was....
- Let's not say.

We may not get the loan otherwise.

lndeed. Well then, we'll grant you
a 1 5,000-euro loan..

..and the lady, as the owner,
signs your apartment over to us.

Wait.
lf, for some reason,..

..we can't pay back the loan,
what happens?

We take your apartment!

l don't see what's so funny.

l might just decline your loan.

As you wish.

What are you saying?

l don't like this guy
laughing at our misfortunes.

- The gentleman's doing us a favour.
- Well, l don't want his favours!

What am l going to do?
What about the kid?

How can we manage without money?

lf we can't pay it back,
dad and baby lose their home.

You care more about our home
than your baby?

lt's my home!

- lsn't it in her name?
- My wife's name!

- And l'm not your wife?
- l forgot again, sorry.

l'm confused.
Let's take it and go. My head hurts.

Don't worry,
my husband's such a pessimist.

We'll pay you back
and when the baby's born,..

..please come to the christening!

l'd love to.
What will you call it?

lf it's a girl,
Rita, as in Hayworth.

- And a boy?
- Pokemon, as in horse.

- We got the money!
- Quiet.

We really fooled him.

- Well done.
- Here's the cash.

l was like Sophia Loren in there.

Your Neapolitan sucks!
My wife's lD, please.

With my photo on it,
she's had her 1 5 minutes.

Some 1 5 minutes.

Come on, Anto', chin up!
You're going to be rich.

l'm broke, my apartment's mortgaged
and l should be happy?

- You'll bring bad luck! - Faiella
must be ''jinx'' in Neapolitan!

- Very funny.
- Who keeps the money?

- Logically, l should.
- Wrong, l'm taking it!

- Who's this?
- Blackie the Musselman!

- Back for his treasure. How much?
- 1 5,000.

You must have done it on purpose.
Just what you owe me.

Hey, you already took 500
at the betting shop.

True, but there's been more interest
since then. See you round.

Just a second, Mr. Musselman.
That money was loaned to me.

Back off, Napoli,
you don't know the Musselman.

Who lives on Drury Lane?

- Jerk!
- My collar!

lf they lent you losers this much,
there's a fix somewhere.

- Want me to take a closer look?
- No. Let's just leave it at that!

Good boy, that's better.

You wanted bad luck?
You got it!

All that trouble for nothing.
lt's your fault!

My fault?

lt is? You've bled me dry
one more time!

Give me the pillow.
l won't look bad at the hotel too!

l salute you. No, l don't.
l don't even know you!

Where are you going?

- Back to Naples to face my wife!
- Are you crazy?

lt'll be hell but l'll save money.
Since l met you, l'm lighter!

C'mon, wait a second!

Go to hell, you, the horses,
Mandrake and betting!

You were always kind to me.

You were a true friend.

Please, send me a sign from heaven.

l've got an ace scam set up,
a real gilt-edged one.

But l don't have the backing for it.
Any ideas, Brylcreem?

- l know. lt's tough, Mandrake.
- You said it. Who's there?

lt's me. You must be careful.

Something amazing's about to happen.

l see a horrifying event
in your near future.

What?

My sister's coming!

The wind of death?

Brylcreem, weren't you dead?

- lf my sister breathes on us,
we'll both be dead. - Right.

Jesus, it's gotten worse, huh?

She's kind of fermented over time.

Her breath already stank
in kindergarten.

She only sat her written exams
at school.

She had to do the orals by phone.

Mandrake, l owed 300 million lira
in debts.

The street was always jam-packed..

..with creditors
lining up to be paid.

l even featured
in the traffic bulletin.

l remember. You owed
Ginger, Gummer, Pillsbury.

That guy? Amazing!
The Lion King...

Not anymore. He's gone bald
and they call him Pool-ball.

Then, in 1992, Grandma died
during a scam.

She'd have died
30 times to help you out.

l didn't even realize.
l thought she was still acting.

- She was a great actress.
- Brilliant. And she died on stage.

lf l didn't want to follow her
to the cemetery, l had to vanish.

So you decided to die.

- How did you do it? Who helped?
- The Raven.

The Raven... Remind me.

The Raven,
the guy from the funeral home.

He did a great job, all on his own.

The death certificate
was the easy part.

Then he made a fake coffin,
with a funeral and gravestone.

He's good!

The shit made the gravestone
out of polystyrene.

- We all fell for it.
- When a job's well done...

l even shelled out 100,000 lira
on a wreath for you!

More like a bouquet.

lt's the thought that counts.

Even so, 100,000
for a friend like me is pathetic.

You should pay me back. l'm broke.
lt would help me with a scam.

l realize that but l have
to tell you l'm flat broke too.

- l don't have a lira.
- l heard you.

- No harm in repeating it.
- So where've you been?

l went through hell to get back.

Okay, but from where?

l took a charter flight.
Horrific.

They almost put me
in a refugee camp!

- You won't say where you were?
- l was in Australia a while.

Australia?

l wanted a new life
but it was no different.

l ran up debts there too.

- On the horses?
- On horses, dogs and kangaroos!

- Kangaroos?
- The same as on horses.

But instead of going, ''Run,
go for it, go like the wind!'',..

..you go, ''Run, go for it,
go like the wind!'' and lose anyway.

On the hop!

Where did you get money?

Let's say l worked at it.

- Meaning?
- Meaning l worked.

- You worked?
- Yes.

l shut down an ice cream parlour,
a gym.

You'd opened them first?

When l met the owners, they
were open. After, they shut down.

l get it, you exported
my lady barkeeper trick.

lt was virgin territory there.
l copied your moves.

But l felt bad about the last one.

She was a widow with ltalian roots.

ltalo-Australian,
a real piece of ass.

She had a pizza place. l named it
after the Rome racetrack.

You should've seen
the waiters gallop.

l'd make triple-bet pizzas,
an Agnano, the usual Neapolitan.

- Then l got fed up of making pizza.
- You're not made for pizzas,..

..or betting.
- No, l'm just unlucky, please.

Whose is it? Yours or mine?

- l don't have one.
- lt's mine, then.

This is the answering service
for Mr. Pomata,..

..please leave a message
after the beep.

You son of a bitch! Where are you?
Call me, you shit!

Jesus, who's that?

The Australian widow,
still looking for me.

The time is over,
thank you for calling.

Try putting salt on my tail now!

- lt got pretty erotic.
- Not only there. l've been around.

lt's good to see you.
You haven't changed.

You neither.

- Good old Mandrake.
- When did you get back?

Just now.
This is my carry-on luggage.

Straight to the grave?

You see relatives first.

l wanted to check
if there were any flowers.

lf anyone was still fond of me.

And l found you.

l'll tell you, Mandrake,..

..l'm touched, you know.
You're a true friend.

- Don't.
- l'd do the same for you.

Your sister was there too.

lf my sister kissed me..

..l'd need to hold my breath.
- True.

Anyhow, don't worry
about your ace scam.

The money can be found somewhere.

- That's the problem.
- Trust me.

- Marcello Rinaldi?
- Yes.

You've got mail.

- Who are you? Meg Ryan?
- No, just your local postwoman.

A registered letter from Australia.

Sign here.

Good morning!

How are you?

May l have two hamburgers?

- What?
- Hamburger.

Ah, hamburger, right.

Do you speak English?

Of course. l'm from Australia.

- Really? So's this.
- No kidding?

- Can you translate? l don't
understand it. - A very big pleasure!

- Well, well... What bottom!
- What does it say?

Jesus, you lucky bastard!

You've inherited
one million dollars!

- l have?
- Yes!

This letter's from the attorney.
Sir Wilkinson, Sidney, Australia.

Who left it to me?

What am l speaking, Arabic?
From Tom Rinaldi.

lllegitimate son of Otello Rinaldi.
All guts and no brain.

That's my dad!

Him? Your daddy?
That's incredible!

What a fine-looking meatloaf.
Remember Meatloaf?

Meatloaf?

Meat, what the butcher sells.

All men have their meat,
their meatloaf.

You know, down there.

Your dad used his meatloaf.

He gave some Australian girl
the sauce to go with it!

How do l get the money?

You need to call the attorney now!

Look, the number.
Call him right away!

- l'll do that.
- Dial the right number.

Okay. 0061 for Australia.

Phone number: 49..

..722..

..681.

An Australian cell phone.

Hello? This is Rome calling.
l'm Marcello Rinaldi.

Can l speak to Mr. Wilkinson?

Boy, oh boy, l'm all buoyed up!

- Excuse me, Mr....
- Pomato, like tomato.

Can you speak to him?
l don't understand.

Hello? How are you old fellow?

Yes, l'm a friend
of Mr. Rinaldi Marcello. Tell me!

- Has he fallen for it?
- Hook, line and so on.

What a jerk!

Yes, a real jerk.
Jerks from father to son.

- lt's running like clockwork.
- You were brilliant!

lf the scam works,
you pay for my slimming treatment.

- We'll never make enough!
- Yes.

Please, give me address of..

..the ltalian attorney.

Please speak clearly.

Write this down: Attorney Magalini.

All right, M-A-G-A-El Alamein.

Vittorio Colonna, one.

Okay, bye bye,
thank you very much.

What did he say?

He said
if you want your million dollars,..

..you need to contact
this attorney here.

What did you write?

Sorry!
Friendly Australian.

Attorney Magalini,
1, Via Vittorio Colonna.

Attorney Magalini
is Wilkinson's contact in Rome.

You pay him
Australian legal fees..

..and you get the bucks!

l can't believe it. lt's a dream!

Wait till you wake up! Bye!

- OUT OF ORDER -

Enough! l'm tired of working!

All these clauses!
l'm not Ally McBeal!

Counsellor,..

..l should remind you
that you have an appointment..

..with Mr. Rinaldi.

Screw Mr. Rinaldi!
l'm going to play golf!

- Attorney Magalini?
- Who are you?

l'm Marcello Rinaldi.

- How can l help?
- The Australian bequest...

You've come here..

..with the package for Wilkinson
in Sydney. - Exactly.

- Brought the money?
- You bet l have. Here it is.

Thanks. That's good of you.

Go on up to sign the papers.
My assistant's there.

- Mr. Fioretti!
- Yes?

l'm sending Mr. Rinaldi up,
he's here for the con....

The consignment..

..for the Australian bequest.

Give him a receipt for the money.
l've pocketed it.

Very good, Mr. Pomata.

Off you go, Rinaldi. Thank you.
Hi to your dad.

Rinaldi!

Don't go round saying
attorneys are time-wasters.

Oh, please!

How about this?
Quick as lightning.

Thank you so much.

A masterpiece.

Like father, like son.

Like his dad 20 years back.
lt still works, even in Australian.

- Pomata, where are you?
- Mandrake, get a load of this.

- Here's the money!
- Brilliant!

- How did it go?
- Brilliantly. He's a genius.

Give it back to your dad.
l want the tailor's name.

We got 10,000 euros from that idiot.

- He said 10,000?
- Yes, you're incredible!

What's this?

The Australian scam money.

Where's the other 9,000?

- What 9,000?
- We said 20 million in lira.

The euro isn't at 20,000 lira?

20,000 times 1,000 makes 20 million.

For you maybe!
For us, the euro's at 2,000 lira!

Don't look at me like that.
The exchange rate confused me.

l was in Australia making pizzas.

l got mixed up
with all those damn zeros.

Can we work the ace scam
with 1,000?

- A smaller one.
- A mini-scam.

A euro scam.

Go to hell!

No way,
l just got back from there.

- Son of a bitch!
- Yes?

- Meatloaf!
- Run!

Which way do l go?

Where're you going?

You've dumped me here.

l can't remember
which line gets me home!

Goddamn conman!

Young man, l'm....

Young man, l'm attorney Magalini.
Let go. An official.

- Tell that to the police.
- Watch the scooter!

Bastard!

- Hi, Salvatore!
- Hi!

- How's it going?
- All set.

Let me give you a hand.

400 pounds altogether?

400 pounds of mussels
comes to 800 euros, right?

Here you go, all rolled up.

- Thanks. - Thanks.
l should think so! 800 euros!

1.5 million lira.

Morning, Mr. Diamanti.

Morning!

What happened to the bump?

lt deflated
when you took the money.

l knew l could smell a rat.

What are you after?

- A partner.
- A partner?

Aren't you working
with those losers?

l dumped them..

..because l'm sick of losing.

You realize just how brilliant
Mandrake's scam is?

Yes, but to place a bet..

..they have nothing.
You could stake a lot.

What d'you want in return?

50%.

l'll give you 25.

50% or l spill the beans.

l'm sick of being a bit player,
l want a star part.

All right.

Who's to say
you're not stringing me along?

Come with me tonight if you want.

They're switching the horses.

How about some mussels?

Who's that this late?

Where's Zaira? She ran off.
l bet you hide her.

- She's not here.
- Zaira here!

There's no Zaira here.

Zaira, where you hide?
Where Zaira?

l tell you, Zaira's not here.

They've got a fucking nerve.

- Believe me now?
- You bet l do.

Hello? They're off!
Hi, Nino! How can l help?

What are the odds
on Pokemon to win tomorrow?

Pokemon? Had one too many?

He's finished last
for six races now.

l know, but l dreamed he won..

..so l'll risk it.
What are the odds?

God knows. There are no odds.
Call it twenty to one.

You're on!
l'll stake 25,000 euros.

25,000 euros?

Are you kidding me?

lmagine my dream comes true.

Okay, but remember l warned you.
That horse won't even be placed.

He may not even finish!

How do l get you the money?

Be at the racetrack bar at two.

Okay, see you there.

Know how much 25,000 euros
is at twenty to one?

500,000.

250,000 for me
and 250,000 for you.

No more rent to worry about!

l'll get my own place.

Maybe we could
get a place together.

Hey, Musselman,..

..l gave you the tip
but keep your hands off.

Okay, but if you need Dr. Love,
give me a call.

Jesus!

500 euros on Pokemon to win.

- l'll bet 38.
- That's a high temperature!

You have horse fever too now?

l saw our race was on
and decided to rejoin the team.

- With 38 euros?
- Maybe l can make some back.

The prodigal son!
The prodigal accountant!

- Here's yours and here's mine.
- Same difference.

What can 38 euros get you?
A straight scotch.

Can you stake 38 euros?

You can but you only lose a little,
so why bother?

You losers! All this hassle
to make 10,000 euros.

A coffee, please.

- Where's the Milan guy?
- We agreed to meet here at two.

lt's five after.
The race starts in ten. Call him.

Calm down. He's a regular guy.

Hello? Milanese? Hi, it's Nino.

l'm at the bar. Where are you?

ln Milan?

Your mother's in hospital?

Good job l called.
What do we do about my bet?

Okay, got it. Don't worry.
All the best to your mom, okay?

- Well?
- All set.

His guy's picking up the money.

- Nino Diamanti?
- Yes.

Milanese sent me.

l told you, a regular guy.

- 25,000 on Pokemon to win.
- At twenty to one.

Now let's go
and savour Pokemon's triumph.

The horses are lined up
behind the gate.

They're off!

Barman Baby
is already pulling ahead,..

..ahead of Trovatore
and Vanina del Ponte.

- Go, Pokemon!
- Pull ahead!

Going into the bend, no change
but Clarissa's looking good.

- Pokemon, show us what you've got!
- Like that! Go!

Show them your tail!

Show who?

The other horses
should see only his tail.

Show your tail, Pokemon!

Pokemon, Count De Blasi's horse,
is coming up from behind,..

..passing the pack
and taking the lead.

Go! Go! Go!

At the half-way mark,
Pokemon is in the lead.

He's still first!

On the final straight,..

..Barman Baby
pulls ahead past Pokemon.

Trovatore and Vanina del Ponte
pass him too.

Pokemon's in trouble.

He can't keep up.

Yards from the finish,..

..Pokemon falls back.

He's fallen back!

First: Barman Baby, second: Trovatore
and third: Vanina del Ponte..

..with Pokemon way behind.

What the fuck happened?

l don't know. Let me see.

l know what happened.

Pussy and Tech
got the horses mixed up.

Fucking morons!

Damn it, damn it!
l never hit it lucky!

Why the hell did l trust
this featherbrain?

Featherbrain yourself!

Don't ever come near me again!
Get lost!

You're no great loss, okay?

- Stop, come here.
- Run, Tech.

l'll murder you both!

l want my 38 euros back..

..or l'll hang myself here
in front of everyone!

He lost!

You can count on Touch and Go.

- Always last!
- Always!

l don't get it.
lt's good he came last?

lt's excellent.
More than good, it's excellent!

So which horse was it?

This one?

Here you go.
24,000 less my 1,000.

You did a great job.
Well done.

We really won all that?

Hush up.
Okay, Milanese?

Give me a break,
l'm having a manure-like day.

- What?
- A shit day.

They stole my car
with my cell phone inside.

- Useless janitor.
- As if l didn't know.

l've got his cell phone here.

''Hi, Nino? The Musselman?''

''l can't get to Rome,
my mom's in hospital in Milan.''

Sorry, but you don't joke
about an elderly person being ill.

Take his car back, with the phone.

He's sorry. l would be too.

Aurelia...

Musselman's in a blacker mood
than ever.

You were better than Julia Roberts!

Believe me, better than her.

Sorry, but l have
a small list of things:

..Miccolis kickback, the loan,..

..travel expenses, truck rental,
stable rental,..

..fodder, pizzas, coffee....

Juice, beer, Coke.
What'll it be? Finished now?

Plus the 38 euros l just lost.

- You don't get it?
- Try explaining for once.

- The ace scam....
- Huh?

The ace scam
hasn't even started yet.

l don't want to know.
l want out.

This is the money to set it up.

Chicatoo.... l'm not good at this.

- TOUCH AND GO: 20/1 -

5,000 on Touch and Go!

5,000 on Touch and Go!

5,000 on Touch and Go!

5,000 on Touch and Go!

5,000 for Touch and Go.

For him, okay?

lf this doesn't work,
what'll l tell my wife?

- Stop trying to jinx us!
- Anto', calm down.

Touch and Go can't lose.
Because the one running is....

- ....Pokemon!
- Quiet!

See, you're learning!

500 yards to go.

Scooby Doo leads ahead of Bingo Bongo
and Touch and Go.

Pokemon!

Shut him up,
he'll give the game away.

- Touch and Go, show them dust!
- Go!

Amazingly, Touch and Go
can't be stopped!

He wins by a full length,
like a real champion!

Guys, we've won 500,000 euros!

- What's that in lira?
- A billion!

- The hard times are over!
- We're billionaires!

The cup goes to the owner
of the winning horse,..

..Touch and Go.

Mr. Bruno Fioretti.

Pokemon, what can l say?

- l'd like....
- Go ahead.

He won! We've got it all back!

Congratulations.

lt's a fine win.

An unexpected one too.

But not for me.

Because the horse that won..

..isn't your... Touch and Went.

Touch and Go.

But my champion, Pokemon.

Count De Blasi,
what are you saying?

This is Mr. Bertolazzi.

A private investigator.

l hired him
when Pokemon started losing..

..in such an inexplicable way.

And good old Bertolazzi
found out why.

Why, Bertolazzi?

This is a tape of your scam.

Pokemon in the widow's garage,
the fake switch...

l filmed it all.

Big Brother!

Exactly. And l'm the winner.

Now, l'll take back my horse.

Your winnings will go
to the betters you hoodwinked.

- And this.
- No, let me keep it.

- Shall we call the police?
- No police, Count De Blasi.

Count De Blasi!

Take it all back
but let me keep this.

Why should l?

Because..

..you're a gentleman
and l'm a loser.

l've never won anything before.
Now l have won,..

..leave me a souvenir.

You're joking.

No, Count de Blasi, l never joke.

l gamble, sir.

Gambling's serious. You can do it
for fun but a real gambler..

..bets, fools himself and invents
a happy end that never comes.

You know that.

Gamblers like us know that.

A gambler loses money, face..

..and above all hope.

l still have a glimmer of hope.

But if you take this cup,
you'll ruin me for good.

l can't let you.

Thank you.
Thank you.

He should thank you.

lf l was him,
l'd send you flowers.

You don't get it.

Bruno won his Oscar today.

Okay, Mr. Oscar Winner,..

..how do we get back to Rome
without money for the train?

Would you believe it?

All she does is show her ass on TV
and now they write about her!

The world's ass-crazy.

Holy cow!

Listen to this. Guess who's running
at Tor di Valle.

Granatiere!

Son of Lucrezia Borgia and Fante.

And grandson of....

- ....Soldatino!
- Exactly!

- Why're you here?
- Same reason as you.

l turned back.

l was onto a good horse
ridden by some useless shit.

You're more broke than before.

l had to sell my Maori beads!

Who's Soldatino?

Soldatino, King and D'Artagnan.

The best triple ever
in the history of racing.

Since man invented the horse.

ln my pizzeria in Sydney,
l made a three-flavour pizza:

..mozzarella, breaded olives
and fried zucchini.

lt still brings a tear to my eye.

And l'm even more touched..

..to think we don't have a lira
to bet on him.

Too bad.

All right.

l'll advance you the bet
on Soldatino's grandson.

- No. - Yes.
- No.

She means it.

l've hocked this watch before.
You can get 300 euros for it.

Are you sure?

Looks like l've caught
horse fever too.

Who is this woman?
My darling Aurelia.

You're one of us.

Move it! The ticket inspector!

- Where do we go?
- Move!

This old scam still works.

We get off
and go to the end of the train.

l'm wearing heels!

Take it easy.
Why do we always have to rush?

Your ticket, please.

Sir...

Your ticket.

This is a betting slip.

Did l win?

Your train ticket, please.

Ask Mandrake for it.

Why not Batman?
Let's see your ticket.

l don't have a ticket or any money.

ln that case,
l'll have to book you.

You have to?

- l do.
- Jesus Christ...

- What?
- Go ahead, book me.

- Name?
- Antonio Faiella.

- What?
- Antonio Faiella, from Naples.

- Address?
- l may not even have one anymore.

The train for Rome
is now arriving on track 2.

Quick, before it leaves!

- How many stations to Rome?
- Eleven or twelve.

This scam of yours is hell!

Keep your breath
for the Orte stop.

Pussy!
Move it!

Wait a second!

l'm taking my time!

lf l start running,
instead of Pussy..

..l'll be Bugs Bunny.

Son of Teodorico and Brigitte Bardot.
l bet on him once.

Did you win?

Would he be here if he had?
Obstacle ahead!

- Case and plastic bag!
- We make better horses than men!

This one loses, the ace wins.
Find the ace.

lt's not here.

Just find the ace to win.
This one loses. Another win.

Find the ace to win.

lt's not here. Game over.

Nothing here. Ace wins.

One more time.
lt's not here.

Find the ace to win.

You lose.
Wrong, this one wins.

Just find the ace.
lt's not here.

Where is it?

There!

No, here!