Horse Feathers (1932) - full transcript

And so,

in retiring as president
of this college,

it is indeed a painful task
to bid you all good-bye.

And now,
with the utmost pleasure,

may I present to you
the man who is to guide

the destinies of this
great institution.

Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff.

Professor, it is indeed an honor
to welcome you to Huxley College.

Never mind that.
Hold this coat.

By the way, Professor,

there is no smoking.



That's what you say.

It would please the faculty if
you would throw your cigar away.

The faculty members might just
as well keep their seats.

There'll be no diving
for this cigar.

Members of the faculty,
faculty members,

students of Huxley
and Huxley students.

I guess that covers everything.

I thought my razor was dull
until I heard his speech.

And that reminds me
of a story that's so dirty,

I'm ashamed
to think of it myself.

As I look out
over your eager faces,

I can readily understand why this
college is flat on its back.

The last college
I presided over,

things were slightly different.



I was flat on my back.

Things kept going
from bad to worse,

but we all put our
shoulders to the wheel,

and it wasn't long before
I was flat on my back again.

Any questions?
Any answers?

Any rags? Any bones?

Any bottles today Any rags...

Let's have
some action around here.

Who'll say 76?
Who'll say 1776?

That's the spirit, 1776.

No doubt you would like
to know why I'm here.

I came into this college
to get my son out of it.

I remember the day
he left to come here,

a mere boy
and a beardless youth.

I kissed them both
good-bye.

By the way, where is my son?

Young lady,

would you mind getting up
so I can see the son rise?

So, doing your homework
in school, eh?

Hello, old-timer.

My dear Professor,

I'm sure the students
would appreciate

a brief outline of your
plans for the future.

What? I said the students
would appreciate

a brief outline of your
plans for the future.

You just said that.

That's the trouble around here.

Talk, talk, talk.

Oh, sometimes
I think I must go mad.

Where will it all end?
What is it getting you?

Why don't you go
home to your wife?

I'll tell you what,
I'll go home to your wife.

And outside of the improvements,

she'll never know
the difference.

Pull over to the side
of the road there

and let me see your
marriage license.

President Wagstaff,

now that you have
stepped into my shoes...

Oh, is that what I stepped in?

I wondered what it was.

If these are your shoes, the least
you could do is have them cleaned.

The trustees have a few suggestions
they would like to submit to you.

I think you know what the trustees
can do with their suggestions.

I don't know what
they have to say

It makes no difference anyway

Whatever it is I'm
against it

No matter what it is
or who commenced it

I'm against it

Your proposition may be good

But let's have
one thing understood

Whatever it is

I'm against it

And even when you've
changed it or condensed it

I'm against it

I'm opposed to it

On general principles
I'm opposed to it

He's opposed to it

In fact, it seems
that he's opposed to it

For months before
my son was born

I used to yell
from night till morn

Whatever it is I'm against it

And I've kept yelling
since I first commenced it

I'm against it

Knowing Dad as I do

I'd not advise you
to displease him

Or tease him No, no

Don't double-cross him

Or toss him around

When dear old Dad

Once gets mad

He's a hound

My son is right
I'm quick to fight

I'm from a fighting clan

When I'm abused or badly used

I always get my man

No matter if he's in Peru
Paducah or Japan

I go ahead, alive or dead
I always get my man

Oh, what a whiz
this fellow is

A will like his is rare
For he's a square American

I soon dispose of all of those
who put me on the pan

Like Shakespeare said to Nathan
Hale, I always get my man

He always gets his man

That's what I said

He always gets his man

That's what I mean

He always gets his man

You're telling me

He always gets his man

Oh, are you listening

He gets his man

He gets his man

I always get I always get

I always get I always get

I always get I always get

I always get

My man!

Splendid, Professor.

Congratulations, Professor.

Wonderful, Professor.
Marvelous, Professor.

Alright, scram, boys. I'll
meet you in the barbershop.

Dad, let me congratulate you.
I'm proud to be your son.

My boy, you took the words
right out of my mouth.

I'm ashamed to be your father.

You're a disgrace to our family name of
Wagstaff, if such a thing is possible.

What's all this talk I hear about you
fooling around with a college widow?

No wonder you can't
get out of college.

Twelve years in one college.

I went to three colleges in 12 years and
fooled around with three college widows.

When I was your age, I went
to bed right after supper.

Sometimes I went to bed
before supper.

Sometimes I went without my supper
and didn't go to bed at all.

A college widow stood for
something in those days.

In fact, she stood for plenty.

There's nothing wrong between
me and the college widow.

There isn't, huh? Then you're
crazy to fool around with her.

Oh, but you don't know... I don't wanna
talk to you about this again, you snob.

I'd horsewhip you
if I had a horse.

You may go now.

Leave your name and address
with the girl outside.

If anything turns up,
we'll get in touch with you.

Where you going?
You just told me to go.

So that's what they
taught you in college.

Just when I tell you
to go, you leave me.

You can't leave a schoolroom without raising
your hand, no matter where you're going.

Dad, this college has had a new
president every year since 1888.

Yeah. And that's the year we
won our last football game.

Now, I like education as
well as the next fellow...

Well, move over and I'll
talk to the next fellow.

But a college needs something
else besides education.

What this college needs
is a good football team.

And you can't have
a good football team

unless you have good
football players.

My boy, I think you've
got something there,

and I'll wait outside
until you clean it up.

I know it's dangerous, but I'm
gonna ask you one more question.

Where do you get
good football players?

Well, in the speakeasy down...
In a speakeasy?

Isn't that against the law? Selling
football players in a speakeasy?

Dad, two of the greatest
football players in the country

hang out in the
speakeasy downtown.

Are you suggesting that I, the
president of Huxley College,

go into a speakeasy without
even giving me the address?

It's at 42 Elm Street, but you
can't go there. It's unethical.

It isn't right for a college
to buy football players.

It isn't, eh? Well,
I'll nip that in the bud.

How about coming along
and having a nip yourself?

Or better still, you wait here.

Anything further, Father?
"Anything further, Father?"

That can't be right. Isn't it,
"Anything, Father, further?"

The idea.

I married your mother
because I wanted children.

Imagine my disappointment
when you arrived.

And I've kept yelling
since I first commenced it

I'm against it

Well, that's my proposition, boys.
How about it?

Well, it's okay with us, Mr.
Jennings,

but how are you gonna fix it?

Don't worry about that.
It's fixed already.

You boys will be entered
as regular Darwin students

and play in the Thanksgiving
Day game against Huxley.

Yeah, but how about the dough?

Well, here's a little
chicken feed to start with.

You'll get the balance
right after the game.

With you boys playing for
Darwin, Huxley can't win.

You said it.

Well, here's to dear old Darwin.

All right, boys.
Let's go.

Bye, Ed.
So long.

Baravelli!

Baravelli!
Hey, Baravelli!

Hello.

Yes, lady, this is Baravelli the
iceman speaking. What do you want?

Ah, one quart of Scotch,

one quart of rye.

Wait a minute. Hold on.
I see if I got 'em.

One quart of Scotch,

one quart of rye.

Okay, lady,
I send 'em right over.

Hey, Baravelli!

Hey, Baravelli.

What do you want? Watch
the door for few minutes.

And don't let anyone in
without the password.

All right. What is it?
"Swordfish" is the password.

Do you understand?
Okay, I got it.

Well, what is it?
Password.

Swordfish!
Swordfish!

All right. Swordfish, swordfish.
Ah!

Who are you? I'm fine, thanks.
Who are you?

I'm fine too, but you can't come
in unless you give the password.

Well, what is the password? Oh, no.
You gotta tell me.

I tell you what I do.
I give you three guesses.

It's the name of a fish.

Is it Mary?

That's no fish.

She isn't? Well, she
drinks like one.

Let me see.
Is it sturgeon?

Eh, you crazy.

Sturgeon is a doctor who
cuts you open when you sick.

Now, I give you one more chance.

I got it, haddock.

That's funny. I got
a haddock too.

What do you take for a haddock?
Well, sometimes I take aspirin.

Sometimes I take a calomel.

I'd walk a mile for a calomel.

You mean chocolate calomel. I like
that too, but you no guess it.

What's the matter? You
don't understand English?

You can't come in here
unless you say "swordfish."

Now, I give you one more guess.

Swordfish, swordfish.
I think I got it.

Is it swordfish? That's it.
You guess it.

Pretty good, huh?
Fine. You guess it.

What do you want?
I wanna come in.

What's the password? Oh, you no fool me.
Swordfish.

No, I got tired of that.
I changed it.

What's the password now?

I forgot it. I'd better
come outside with you.

Say, buddy, could you help me out?
I'd like to get a cup of coffee.

Hey, here comes my partner.

Hey, Pinky,
you know the password?

Get up. That's no way to go into a
speakeasy. That's the way you come out.

Hey, what'll you have?

He take a Scotch.
Right. Draw two.

I got it.
Swordfish.

Go outside and see if it works.

Cut the cards.

Now, let's get down to business.

I'm looking for two football players
who always hang around here.

We always hang around here, but...
That's all I wanted to know.

I'm Professor Wagstaff of Huxley College.
That means nothing to me.

It doesn't mean anything to me either.
I'll try it over again.

I'm Professor Huxley
of Wagstaff College.

Well, you didn't stay at the
other college very long.

You're heading for a breakdown. Why
don't you pull yourself to pieces.

I'll talk it over
with my partner.

Hey, hey!

In case I never see you again, which
would add 10 years to my life,

what would you fellows want to play
football? First, we want a football.

I don't know if
we've got a football.

But if I can find one,
would you be interested?

I don't want a hasty answer.
Just sleep on it.

I don't think I can
sleep on a football.

Who's gonna settle
for these drinks?

You're stuck.

Can you cash a check for $15.22?
Sure.

Five, 10, 15 and 22.

Thanks. As soon as
I get a check for $15.22,

I'll send it to you.
Swordfish.

Oh, Laura. Oh, good morning, Mr.
Wagstaff.

Am I too early? No. Shall I
tell Miss Bailey you're here?

I'll tell her myself. Give me the tray.
All right.

Will you open the door?

Oh! Your breakfast, madam.

Anything else? Yes. You can
put some cream in my coffee,

and tell me where you've been
for the last couple of days.

I've been busy arguing
with Dad about you. Oh.

How many?
Two.

Well, what about me? Dad
wants me to give you up.

You know, you're interfering
with my studies.

He must
think I'm terrible.

Well, I think you're wonderful.
You're beautiful.

Are you making love to me?
Why not?

Everyone says I love you

The cop on the corner
and the burglar too

The preacher in the pulpit
and the man in the pew

Says I love you

Everyone, no matter who

The folks over 80
and the kid of two

The captain and the sailor
and the rest of the crew

Says I love you

There are only eight little
letters in this phrase

You'll find

But they mean a lot more
than all the other words

Combined

Everywhere
the whole world through

The king in the palace
and the peasant too

The tiger in the jungle
and the monk in the zoo

Says I love you

Get that crate out of here!

What do you think
this is, a picnic?

Well, this ain't
gonna be any picnic.

Blocking traffic, holding up cars.
Who do you think you are?

Bah!

What are you... Do you know
what I'm gonna do to you?

Say, you're a wise guy, ain't ya?
Let go of that club!

Do you see that badge?

Come on! Open this
door, you hear?

Open this door!

And I say to you, gentlemen,
that this college is a failure.

The trouble is we're neglecting
football for education.

Exactly.
The Professor is right.

I'm right, am I? Well, I'm not right.
I'm wrong.

I just said that to test you.

Now I know where I'm at.

I'm dealing with
a couple of snakes.

What I meant to say was that there's too
much football and not enough education.

That's what I think.

Oh, you do, do you?
Well, you're wrong again.

If there was a snake here,
I'd apologize.

Where would this college
be without football?

- Have we got a stadium?
- Yes.

- Have we got a college?
- Yes.

We can't support both. Tomorrow we
start tearing down the college.

But, Professor,
where will the students sleep?

Where they always sleep.
In the classroom.

Oh, Professor, the Dean of Science wants
to know how soon you can see him.

He says he's tired of
cooling his heels out here.

Tell him I'm cooling
a couple of heels in here.

Where were we?
Oh, yes.

How much am I
paying you fellows?

5,000, a year. But
we've never been paid.

Well, in that case, I'll raise
you to 8,000, and a bonus.

Bring your dog around,
I'll give him a bonus too.

The dean is furious.
He's waxing wrath.

Is Roth out there too? Tell Roth
to wax the dean for a while.

Guess that's bad, huh?

One more thing, Professor.
It's about your son.

I'm afraid he's paying too
little attention to his studies

and too much to Connie
Bailey, the college widow.

He is, eh? I'll put a stop to that.
I'll call her up right now.

Have either of you weasels
got her phone number?

No! Well, it's a
good thing I've got it.

Get me Maine 49970
and reverse the charges.

You may go now.

Drop this in the mailbox
on your way out.

Hello. I wanna speak
to Miss Bailey.

Is this Miss Bailey?

Mmm-hmm.

Why, of course I know your son.

Why, that's silly. We're
just very good friends.

But, Professor,
I don't understand.

You don't, eh? Well, I wanna see you.
Come right over to my office.

You can't?
You're in bed?

Well, in that case, I'll
come over to your office.

That's a fine way to carry ice.
Where are your tongs?

Looks like a tong war.

Well, that's the last time we deliver
ice unless you pay the bill.

How much do we owe you? $2,000.

$2,000, for ice?

I can get an Eskimo for
$200 and make my own ice.

I can do for you,
I make you proposition.

You owe us $200. We take
2,000 and call it square.

That's not a bad idea. I'll tell you.
I'll consult my lawyer,

and if he advises me to do
it, I'll get a new lawyer.

Why don't you
forget about the money.

Go to college, meet all the beautiful
girls. Get yourself a co-ed.

Ha! I got a co-ed.

Last week for $18 I got a
co-ed with two pair of pants.

Since when has a co-ed got two pair
of pants? Since I joined the college.

Baravelli, you've got the
brain of a four-year-old boy,

and I bet he was glad
to get rid of it.

Well, now that you're a
college boy, here's your hat.

Here's your pennant.
Here's your coat.

Alright, report for football
practice in the morning.

Now, I want you to
sign this agreement.

Hey, there's nothing
on this paper.

That's all right. We'll
fill in something later.

Put your name on there, huh?

Gee, I didn't know
you could write.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
This isn't legal.

There's no seal on it.
Where's the seal?

Where's the seal?
Where's the seal?

Where's the seal?
Where's the seal?

Where's the seal?

And thus we see that the function
of the respiratory system

is to transmit oxygen
into the bloodstream.

This process,
which is called osmosis...

Have they started sawing
a woman in half yet?

Oh, Mr. President,
this is indeed a pleasure.

What brings you here?

A bicycle, but I left
it out in the hall.

Have you got two empty dunce chairs?
I brought you two empty dunces.

Come in, dunces. Here they are.
Ten cents a dunce.

Well, all you need now
is a bowl of cherries.

Find yourselves
a couple of seats.

Now, let us go on
with our lecture.

I wish you'd go on
without your lecture.

What do you think of that slide?

Well, I think he was safe at
second, but it was very close.

Now let us examine
the circulatory system.

Here is the liver.

What, no bacon? I'd send
that back if I were you.

"The liver, if neglected,
invariably leads to cirrhosis."

Of course, you are all familiar
with the symptoms of cirrhosis.

Sure.

"So-roses are red,
so-violets are blue,

"so-sugar is sweet,
so-so are you."

I can't see him,
but I bet I know who it is.

"For the protection
of the heart, or cardium,

"Mother Nature has provided a
sac called the pericardium."

Any questions?

Yes. When you gonna
cut the watermelon open?

"Psychopathically, the
duodenum is in inverse ratio

"to the coordination
of the planephas."

Is this stuff on the level or are you
just making it up as you go along?

My feet are getting
tired from this walk.

Why, everything I told you can be found
in the simplest textbook on anatomy.

I'm sure my students
will bear me out.

We bear you out.

And let that be a lesson
to every one of you.

This school was here before you came,
and it'll be here before you go.

And you, too, you numbskull.

You've got some nerve.
Leave me alone.

Let us follow a corpuscle
on its journey.

Oh, my mistake.
I thought I was a corpuscle.

As you know, there is constant warfare
between the red and white corpuscles.

Now, then, baboons,
what is a corpuscle?

That's easy.

First it's a captain, then it's a
lieutenant, then it's a corpuscle.

That's fine. Why don't you bore a hole
in yourself and let the sap run out?

We now find ourselves
among the Alps.

The Alps are a very simple people
living on a diet of rice and old shoes.

Beyond the Alps lies more Alps.

And the Lord Alps those
that Alps themselves.

We then come to the bloodstream.

The blood rushes from the
head down to the feet,

gets a look at those feet and
rushes back to the head again.

This is known
as Auction Pinochle.

Now, in studying
your basic metabolism,

we first listen
to your hearts beat.

If your hearts beat anything
but diamonds and clubs,

it's because your partner
is cheating or your wife.

Now, take this point,
for instance.

That reminds me. I haven't
seen my son all day.

Well, the human body
takes many strange forms.

Now, here is
a most unusual organ.

The organ will play a solo immediately
after the feature picture.

Scientists make these
deductions by examining a rat

or your landlord
who won't cut the rent.

And what do they find?
Asparagus.

Now, on closer examination...

Hmm. This needs
closer examination.

In fact, it needs a nightgown.

Baravelli, who's responsible for this?
Is this your picture?

I don't think so.
It doesn't look like me.

Well, take it out of here immediately
and hang it up in my bedroom.

Now then, out with it.
Who did it?

Oh, so you're the culprit.

Young man, as you grow older, you'll find
you can't burn the candle at both ends.

Well, I was wrong.

I knew there was something you
couldn't burn at both ends,

I thought it was a candle.

However, you must be punished.

Just for that,
you stay after school.

But, Professor,
I didn't do anything.

I know, but there's no fun
in keeping him after school.

Now, we'll have
no more interruptions.

According to Von Sternmetz,
the eminent physiologist,

"There is ever present a group
of white phagocytes..."

According to Von Sternmetz,
the eminent physiologist,

"There is present a group
of white phagocytes..."

According to Von...

According to Von Sternmetz...

According to Von Sternmetz,
the eminent physiologist,

"There is present a group
of white phagocytes..."

They are ever present
and they are essential...

They are essential
to prolonging life.

My left wing has been turned.
My rear end has been cut off.

But I'll fight it out on these
lines if it takes all summer.

They got me.

Hello.

Oh, it's you, Frank.

Why, of course. I'd love
to have you come over.

All right. I'll be
expecting you, then.

Good-bye, darling.

Who were you
calling "darling?"

Oh. Frank Wagstaff,
the professor's son.

Say, I didn't tell you
to fall for him.

I just told you to find out
all you could about his team.

Well, he said it was a
cinch for Huxley to win.

Listen, I've got my bankroll bet on
Darwin and I'm taking no chances.

Before the game starts,
I'll have the Huxley signals.

Now, here's down
the hatch and on my way.

See you later.

Good-bye, dear.

Are you still here?
I just came in.

What do you mean, am I still here?

Oh, I mean,
are you here already?

You know, I really
shouldn't be here.

The old man gave me a terrible
bawling out for seeing you.

Oh, let's not worry about him.
He'll never know you were here.

How about a little drink?
All right.

I'll get you one.
Please.

Are you Miss Bailey?

Come, come. One of us
is Miss Bailey, and I'm not.

I'm Miss Bailey and who are you?

I'm Professor Wagstaff.
Who are you?

Miss Bailey. Ah, then
you are Miss Bailey.

Thought you could slip one
over on me, didn't you?

Listen, madam, you've
gotta give my son up.

Give him up? You can't
take him from me.

He's all I've got in the
world, except a picture

of George Washington
crossing the Delaware.

But, Professor, I...
Whatever you say is a lie.

He's only a shell of his former
self, which nobody can deny.

Whoopee!

I tell you, you're ruining that boy.
You're ruining him.

Did my son tell you,
you had beautiful eyes?

Why, yes.

He told me that too. He tells
that to everyone he meets.

Oh, I love sitting on your lap.

I could sit here all day if you
didn't stand up.

Quick! Hurry! Get out of here.
That door.

I don't want any ice.

Oh!

Who was that?
The iceman.

Is that so? Well, you can't
pull the wool over my ice. Oh!

That iceman stuff
leaves me cold.

Here you are...

So I caught you at last. You are
fooling around with this woman.

Oh, the shame of it.

That I should live to see a son of mine
try to take a dame away from his father.

Dad, I can... Enough of this.
You leave here immediately,

and I'll stay here and
settle with this woman.

As soon as we're settled, we'll
have you over for dinner.

On second thought, I'll go with you.
Come. Follow me.

Be a lamp in the window
for my wandering boy.

Let's see, where... Oh, yes.
I was on your lap

and doing pretty well as I recall it.

Quick. Hurry.
Get out. Hurry.

And remember, stay undercover.

You've got more students
than the college.

Here, lady,
you dropped your ice.

But I don't want any ice.
Neither do I.

Now do you want any ice? No.

Oh, you're beautiful.
Ah, so nice.

Baravelli, you overcome me. But
remember it was your idea.

No.

Lady, I like you.

You got something, but I
don't know what it is.

I'm gonna tell him he's crazy.

Professor, I no see you.
What are you doing here?

Nothing right now, but I was doing
all right till you came in.

Oh! So you know
the professor.

Sure. He put me in business. He
got me on the football team.

Now all I gotta do
is get him off the couch.

Have you read
any good books lately?

This must be the main highway.

Follow me. I've been
doing this all day.

Pretty popular place, isn't it?

Yes, a hot dog stand
would clean up here.

What are you doing here?
Why, me?

I'm the music teacher.
I give her singing lessons.

Since when are you taking singing lessons?
Since you came in.

What are you doing here?
I'm the plumber.

I'm just hanging around in case
something goes wrong with her pipes.

That's the first time I've
used that joke in 20 years.

Now, take a deep
breath and follow me.

Well, we've got a cozy little
place here, haven't we?

You sing high, huh?

Yes, I have a falsetto voice.

That's funny.
My last pupil,

she got a false set of teeth.

Maybe for the first lesson,
it's better if you don't sing.

And if you don't sing, I think
it's much better yet. I'll sing.

Everyone says I love you

The great, big mosquito
when he sting you

The fly when he get stuck
on the flypaper too

Says I love you

Every time the cow says moo

She makin' the bull
feel very happy too

And the rooster when he holler
cock-a-doodle-doodle-do

Says I love you

Christopher Colombo he write the queen
of Spain a very nice, little note

And he write I love you, baby!

And then he get himself
a great, big boat

He's a wise guy

What do you think Colombo do

When he come here in 1492

He say to Pocahontas
Hacha, facha, cacha coo!

That means, you little
son of a gun, I love you!

Maybe it's better if I
don't sing too, huh? Yes.

All right.
I'll play.

I love good music.

So do I. Let's get out of here.
Sit down.

I've got to stay here,
but there's no reason

why you folks shouldn't go out into
the lobby till this thing blows over.

Well, that's all
for the first lesson.

I come back next week and
teach you how to breathe.

And don't breathe
until I see you again.

If this is a singing lesson,
I'm a ring-tailed monkey.

This is a singing lesson, and keep
your family out of it. Baravelli!

What do you want? Are
you going my way?

Sure. Well, you go my
way, and I'll stay here.

No, you don't.
You're leaving together.

And if I find you
guys here again,

it'll be curtains.
Now, on your way.

If my son comes back, tell him to
take the lamp out of the window.

Dad, you've got the
wrong football players.

You mean the whole team? No.
Baravelli and the dogcatcher.

They're not football
players at all.

They must be. I got 'em
out of a speakeasy.

But you got the wrong ones.

The two fellows I told you
about are playing for Darwin.

Send for Baravelli.

Scour the grounds. Don't leave
a single stone unturned.

He's probably under one.

Baravelli! Baravelli!

What are you doing in there?
Shh.

I'm practicing secret signals.
Don't say nothing.

Seventy-two, 86, 74, 56, 101...
Come on out.

What do you want? Baravelli, you
can fix it for our team to win.

Oh, no.
I wanna play.

All right. You can play. There's two
football players on the Darwin team

I want kidnapped.

Have you ever had any experience
as a kidnapper? You bet.

You know what I do
when I kidnap somebody?

First I call 'em up on the telephone,
then I send 'em my chauffeur.

Oh, have you got a chauffeur?
Yeah.

What kind of a car have you got?

I no got a car.
I just got a chauffeur.

Maybe I'm crazy, but when
you have a chauffeur,

aren't you supposed
to have a car?

Well, I had one.

But it cost too much money to
keep a car and a chauffeur,

so I sold the car.

Well, that shows you
how little I know.

I would have kept the car and sold
the chauffeur. That's no good.

I gotta have a chauffeur to
take me to work in the morning.

If you've got no car, how
can he take you to work?

He don't have to take me to work.
I no got a job.

Baravelli, this is the finish.

How much would you want to stand at
the wrong end of a shooting gallery?

Now, now, now, boys. Now, just
a minute, boys, just a minute.

Now let's forget what
happened yesterday.

I didn't come here to fight.

You've got to fight. I've
already taken my coat off.

I wanna talk to Baravelli.

Now, you wouldn't mind
stepping out, would you?

I'd love to step out, but I'd
have to see the girl first.

Baravelli, I've got
a proposition for you.

Watch yourself, Baravelli. He's
almost as crooked as you are.

Let's go in here.

Baravelli, I want you to do
something for me. I'm busy.

Me and my partner, we gotta kidnap
a couple of football players

on the Darwin team.
Is that so?

You don't mean
MacHardie and Mullen?

That sounds something like it, but the
fellows I mean are Mullen and MacHardie.

I'll give you a tip.

The boys you want
live at 39 Hanley Street.

That's fine, thanks. Now, I want
you to do something for me.

What do you want?
Listen.

Give me the signals, and
this 500 bucks is yours.

All right.

Here's the signals.

Hey, wait a minute. These
are the wrong signals.

These are Darwin's signals. Do you think
I'd give you $500 for Darwin's signals?

They cost me 200. I guess I
gotta make a little profit.

Say, listen, you've got to get busy
and get those football signals.

But I thought you
were going to get them.

If I did, I wouldn't be asking
you to go after them, would I?

Now look, all you've got to do
is to get to Professor Wagstaff.

He's got the Huxley signals,

and I'm depending on you to get
them here before the game.

Yes, but how?

You know how.

Romance him, baby.
Romance him.

And remember, all you're to
get is football signals.

Everyone says I love you

But just what they
say it for I never knew

It's just inviting trouble
for the poor sucker who

Says I love you

Take a pair of rabbits who

Get stuck on each other
and begin to woo

And pretty soon you'll find
a million more rabbits who

Say I love you

When the lion
gets feeling frisky

And begins to roar

There's another lion

Who knows just what
he's roaring for

Everything that ever grew

The goose and the gander
and the gosling too

The duck upon the water
when he feels that way too

Says...

That's a wise quack. You
keep your bill out of this.

How would you like it if I butted
into your affairs and laid an egg?

You know, this is the first time
I've been out in a canoe since I saw

The American Tragedy.

Oh, you're perfectly safe,
Professor, in this boat.

I don't know. I was gonna
get a flat bottom,

but the girl at the
boathouse didn't have one.

Well, you know, Professor,
I could go on like this,

drifting and dreaming forever.

What a day.
Spring in the air.

Who, me? I should spring in
the air and fall in the lake?

Oh, Professor,
you're full of whimsy.

Can you notice it from there?

I'm always that way
after I eat radishes.

Oh, is that important?
Is it important?

Those are the football signals.

Let 'em go. Luckily, I've got
a duplicate set in my pocket.

I always carry
two of everything.

This is the first time I've ever
been out with only one woman.

Oh, you mean you take two
girls out every time?

Particularly in an automobile. I
hate to see a girl walk home alone.

Do you know, Professor, I've
never seen football signals.

Do you think a little girl
like me could understand them?

I think a little girl like you would
understand practically anything.

Is great, big, strong
man gonna tell little icky baby

all about the bad
football signals?

Was that you or the duck?

'Cause if it was you, I'm gonna
finish this ride with the duck.

If icky baby don't learn
about the football signals,

icky baby gonna cry.

If icky girl
keep on talking that way,

big, strong man's gonna kick all
her teeth right down her throat.

Naughty man
is only fooling.

Just for that I'm
coming right over there

and smother naughty
man with kisses.

You couldn't make that
onions instead, could you?

Oh, so that's your game.
That's your game, is it?

Professor Wagstaff.
Professor Wagstaff.

Oh, just call me Quincy.

After you get to know me better,
you can call me Quince.

Oh, throw me the lifesaver.
The lifesaver.

Oh, Professor Wagstaff. Please
hurry, Professor. Oh, Professor.

Thirty-nine.
This is it.

Hello. Yeah,
this is MacHardie.

So they're
coming right over, eh?

Okay, Mr. Jennings.
We'll take care of 'em.

Can you beat it?

Jennings says Baravelli
and the dogcatcher

are coming over here to kidnap
us, to keep us out of the game.

This is the place. Now, how
are we gonna catch 'em?

Oh, that's for catching flies.

Baseball players catch flies.
We look for football players.

You bring the tools? You got the
shovel, the ax and the pick?

Where's the pick?

No, that's no pick.
That's a hog.

A hog. Don't you know
what a hog is?

Oh, come on. Let's get busy. We gotta
kidnap a couple of football players.

We're looking
for Mullen and MacHardie.

That's us. What can we do for you?
You got a brother?

No.
You got a sister?

Yeah. Well, your sister,
she's a very sick man.

You'd better come with us.

Yeah? What happened to her?

She had an accident
in her automobile.

She has no automobile.

Well, maybe she fall off her horse.
I don't look very close.

Come on.
We take you in our car.

You will, eh? Well,
I have no sister.

That's all right. We no got a car.
Come on.

So you think you're gonna
take us for a ride, eh?

This is gonna take a long time.

Try one at a time.

Didn't work, huh?

Get tough.

Get tough
with the other one.

Get tough with both of 'em.

Tougher!

Now you're getting someplace.

Hey, Pinky, you'd better
think of something else.

I'm exhausted too.
I can't think of anything.

Maybe you fellas got an idea.

I'll say we got an idea.
Where's that rope, Ed?

Get 'em, Ed!

Hey, you guys, we'll let
you know how the game comes out!

We come to kidnap them,
they kidnap us.

That's a-fix a-fine
we're in.

How we gonna get out...

I got an idea.
You got a rope?

That's good.
That's fine.

Tie on the bed, throw the
rope out of the window.

Tie on the bed, throw the
rope out of the window.

Hey...

What do you do, huh? You throw
the rope out of the window,

but you no tie on the bed.

No, I don't mean the tie.
I mean tie the rope.

Now what are you going to do?

You crazy.
That's no good.

How are we gonna
get out of here?

Come here. You wanna
break my neck?

Yeah, don't worry,
Mr. Jennings.

Everything's working out fine.

That's all right. The game's in the bag.
See you later.

Well, I wonder what the two
mugs are doin' up there.

Well, well.
Our little playmates.

Just in time for a cup of tea.

We got no cups, but we'll
see you after the game.

Come on, Pinky.
Let's go.

No, you don't.
Take off your coat.

Come on.

Snap into it. Off with your shirt.
Quit stallin'.

Now take off your pants.
Hey, I got a date.

Nothin' doin'.

That goes for you too!
Take that coat off!

Stand over there, you. Come on, Ed.
Let's take their clothes.

Now, if you boys'll excuse us, we'll
run along and play a little football.

Just make yourselves
right at home.

Tune in on the radio, if you wanna
see how the game's goin' along.

I'll send my sister over
to keep you company.

Gee, I guess it's locked.

Oh, boy, what a pretty play!

Darwin just completed a
forward pass for a touchdown,

and the crowd is going wild!

Well, folks, there seems to be no
stopping Mullen and MacHardie today.

Two minutes left
to play in the first quarter,

and, oh, what a lacing
the Huxley team is getting!

There they go! Coffey has the
ball, and he's breaking through!

Well, partner, I guess
we made a grand slam.

Hey, Pinky, hurry up! Hurry up!
Come on! Come on.

We still got time to play.

Play ball!

Well, you're a couple
of fine kidnappers.

Do you know the fellows you
kidnapped got here before you did?

Look at that score,
12 to nothing.

A fat lot you care.

Do you realize what it means
if Huxley loses this game?

It means shame,
disgrace, humiliation.

And besides, you're crazy
if you don't play the ace.

Come on and fight!

No, no, no, no.
Get in that game.

Listen, you bunch of
butterfingered milksops,

the way you're playing, you couldn't
beat a girl's basketball team.

We've gotta win this game,
do you understand?

Even if we have to use our
star play, Number 37.

You remember it, don't you? The quarterback
gets the ball, goes 'round left end

and makes a lateral pass
to the right guard.

Hey, Dad...
Wait a minute.

Boys, if you can't beat that bunch
of half-witted goofs... Dad!

What do you want? Why you're
talking to the wrong team.

I know I am, but our team
wouldn't listen to me. Oh.

Hey, which way you goin'?
Out there.

All right. Drop me off
at the 40-yard line.

Where's your number?

My boy, get in there and play
like you did in the last game.

I've got $5 bet on the other team.

- Ready?
- Okay.

- Ready?
- Okay. Let's go.

Ah, here comes
Professor Wagstaff.

Will you say
something, Professor?

I will if you get
up out of there.

Professor Wagstaff will tell
you all about the game.

This is some football game,
and I wish you were here.

In fact, I wish you
were here instead of me.

Last week at this same hour, I told you Mrs.
Moskovitz was expecting a blessed event.

Well, last night,
Mrs. Moskovitz had twins.

Okay, Mr. Moskovitz!

Thank you, Professor.
It was nothing at all.

The boys are back on the field.
They're lined up.

Huxley is about to
kick off to Darwin,

and there they go!

Pardon me.

That'll teach him to pass a
lady without tipping his hat.

Hike!

All right, gang. Come on.
Come on. Drive it in there.

Hey, look out there. You wanna get hurt?
We're gonna throw a forward pass.

Signals!

Eighteen, seventy-two.
Forward pass.

Eeny-meeny-miney-mo. Ready
or not, here we go. Hike!

Why, Pinky, what
are you doing here?

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

That tackle will cost
your team 15 yards.

You're supposed to tackle the man
with the ball, do you understand?

What's the idea?

Hey, idiot, where's that ball?

Hey, look!
He's got the mumps.

Come on. Give me that ball.
Give me it!

Hike!

Heads up. Heads up over there.
Signals.

Eighteen, 42, 56,
end run. Hup!

Hey, bring that back!

Come on, boys.

Jumping anaconda.

Is there a doctor in the stands?

Why, yes. I'm a doctor. How
do you like the game, Doc?

Come back for me
in five minutes.

Hike!

Hmm. Fancy
seeing you here.

Well, it's a small
world after all.

Hike!

Why weren't you in that last scrimmage?
I'm sitting this one out.

What are you doing with
that cigar in your mouth?

Why? Do you know another
way to smoke it?

Get on your feet.

Don't look now, boys, but I think
I see the chemistry professor

up in the stands
with the janitor's wife.

Here.
Have a cigar.

Hike!

Signal. Humpty Dumpty
sat on the wall.

Professor Wagstaff gets the ball.
Hike!

- Have you got it, boys?
- Okay.

Hike!

Hey,
bring that ball in here.

Hike!

There goes the ball.

Go on, Pinky!
That's a boy!

Make a home run.
Attaboy! Yeah!

Gee, that's great, Pinky.
You made a touchdown.

Are you tired?
Oh, that's marvelous.

Hike!

I forgot your phone number.
Will you give it to me again?

Where's that ball?

Here it is!

Come on. Get off that ball.
You're holding up the game.

Let's huddle up, men.

Hike!

Signal. Uno, due, tre, bendy.
This time, we go left endy.

Hike!

Nice work, Pinky!

Signal.

High diddle diddle,
the cat and the fiddle.

This time, I think we go
through the middle. Hike!

Hey, you're
running the wrong way!

We are gathered together here

to join this man and this woman

in the bonds of matrimony,
which is an honorable estate.

Do you take this man to be
your lawful wedded husband?

I do.

Do you take this woman
to be your lawful wedded wife?

We do.