Horrible Bosses 2 (2014) - full transcript
Fed up with answering to higher-ups, Nick, Dale and Kurt decide to become their own bosses by launching their own business. But a slick investor soon pulls the rug out from under them. Outplayed and desperate, and with no legal recourse, the three would-be entrepreneurs hatch a misguided plan to kidnap the investor's adult son and ransom him to regain control of their company.
Hey, hey. If you're coming in
for the morning grind...
...it's another brutal Monday out there
traffic-wise.
The 2 is slow-and-go to the 5.
A Sig Alert is bogging down the I-10.
And if you're on the 405 freeway,
you're probably already late for work.
If your boss gives you a hard time about it,
have him come down here and talk to...
- ...Rachel.
- Oh, no.
Zing! Ha, ha. Thanks, Skip.
But, hey, speaking of bosses,
after the break...
...we get to meet three guys who are chasing
their dream of becoming their own bosses.
Stay with us.
And we're out. Very good, guys.
We're back in 90 seconds.
Jesus Christ.
Dale, you gotta stop sweating, pal.
- Oh, wow, you are wet.
- "Stop sweating." How do I stop sweating?
I mean, guys this is a big deal.
We got everything riding on this.
We've quit our jobs, I have three children
to think about now. How about that?
Think about this. You do a good job now,
you're gonna make your boys very proud.
- Girls. I have three girls, dude.
- Hmm? Right. You can't even tell at that age.
- They basically look like potatoes with arms.
- Don't call my kids potatoes.
- Respect the kids.
- Don't piss him off.
- They wear pink!
- Calm him down.
A lot of guys wear pink.
- I have a pink polo shirt that I love.
- Come on.
- Can we get a roll of paper towels over hear?
- Can I get a roll of paper towels?!
Why are you barking at people?
He's saying please, you're just barking.
- Bad manners.
- Buddy, dry your face.
- He's freaking out.
- It's unbelievable.
- Can you go on without me?
- Why don't you wait in the car?
Stop, this is gonna be easy.
You have to calm down.
Look, Nick's gonna hit them with facts
and figures, because he's the brains, right?
You talk about how you and your wife fucked
and made three potatoes with arms.
You're the heart. Me,
I'll do my thing, get in where I fit in.
- You're the soul?
- No, I'm the dick and balls.
- Got it.
- Why would I wanna be the soul?
- Just don't pass out. Just keep breathing.
- See? This will be easy.
- All we have to do is be ourselves.
- Let's not. Ourselves is a Dumpster fire.
- Let's be better. Let's try to elevate a little.
- That's a good note. Nobody be themselves.
All right, we're back in 20 seconds.
Hey, fellas, thanks for coming.
- Nice to meet you.
- Good morning. How are you?
Hey, my man. There's trouble.
- Too much.
- Well, he went with it.
- Dale Arbus.
- Pleasure to meet you, man.
- Thanks for coming on. This will be fun.
- Yeah.
Does that zip all the way down?
And we're back in five, four...
Get up, get up, get up, and get out
Ha, ha! And we're back.
You know, every week we like to highlight...
...local inventors and entrepreneurs
in our Big Idea Spotlight.
That's right, Mike.
And today we have
three modern-day...
...Edisons who've created a new shower gadget
they hope to really clean up with.
Please, welcome Nick, Kurt and Dale.
Pleasure to be here.
Before we get in to the
product, can you tell us...
...what is it that inspired three regular Joes
to go into business for yourselves?
We were all working at pretty terrible jobs
for some awful bosses.
And thought if we got a chance to be
our own bosses, we'd do things differently.
This might be our shot.
We didn't think we'd get the chance,
but Dale had an amazing idea.
Don't go to Dale.
And, uh, we started meeting together
to talk about the invention...
...instead of complaining about our jobs.
Hey, I think that's exciting.
Dale, you know, I just wanna know,
where did the idea come from...
- ...for a new showerhead?
- I have three kids.
So that's the heart.
- That's a blessing.
- Yeah, well, he has triplets.
In all honesty, it's too many.
I'm pretty overwhelmed.
Well, he's got them on his mind, clearly.
Uh, let me answer the question.
Dale, uh, had just gotten back
from one of those self-service car washes...
- ...with the wand with the soap.
- It's got everything in one thing.
He thought, "Why don't they make
one of these for your body?"
After we had a few beers,
we came up with the, uh, Shower Buddy.
- The Shower Buddy?
- I'm sorry, that name's not official yet.
- No, he's wrong. It is official.
- I wanted the "Shower Daddy."
- "Shower Daddy" is worse on every level.
- I have to agree with Nick.
Better than having
some strange dude with you.
It's not some strange dude,
as I've said many times. It's your buddy.
- Why would your buddy be in the shower?
- Why would your dad?
- Uh-oh.
- Don't scream on television.
You know what? How about you fellas
show us how this gizmo works?
- Right? Let's get it going. Ha, ha.
- Yes. Make it rain. Yes. Work it, work it.
Oh, this is awesome.
Kurt's gonna turn on the shower.
You're gonna see the water come out.
After a bit, the shampoo's gonna automatically
be triggered out of the showerhead...
- No water pressure.
- The blue handle.
- No water pressure.
- There's a pump on the back.
- I could pump it manually.
- Dale's gonna help out. Thank you, buddy.
- Pump.
- You got it?
- I got it.
- Yeah?
Water comes out,
the shampoo mixes with the water...
...then shortly after that, conditioner.
You shower in half the time
with the Shower Buddy.
The average American... I don't know if you
know this.... spends 50 hours a week working.
- Hand's cramping up.
- Here, let me help.
-- Commuting.
If we can save you just five minutes...
- The whole rod's too dry, right?
- Yeah, spit on it.
- Better?
- See, yeah. If you lube it up, it's better.
Oh, no, absolutely.
I'm sorry. There's a hole in the back.
I'm gonna stick my finger in it.
We don't really care how you get it done.
Just get it done. Get it finished.
- Whatever it takes.
- Live TV, right?
Live TV. What are you gonna do?
- Yeah. Here we go.
- Oh, here it comes.
Hey!
- I told you.
- Works just as promised, okay?
- Now, go ahead and shut it off.
- It's so cool. I want one.
You can't have this one. It's the prototype.
But we're looking for partners.
I'll tell you right now. I'm sold.
I wanna invest.
We got one. All right, Mike.
Now, how would I get in touch
with you guys?
- You go straight to Nickkurtdale.
- I'm sorry, what?
It's our website. Nickkurtdale. com.
I'm positive I'm not
hearing that right.
It's our names: Nick, Kurt, Dale.
Nickkurtdale.
Y'all gotta change that name.
Cannot believe
we never said it out loud before.
It looked so good on paper.
It was a nice dream while it lasted, but I think
it's time we all go beg for our jobs back.
Maybe just accept the fact
that we'll always be cogs in the machine.
Wait. Cocks in the machine. What is that?
"Cogs." Guh.
You know what? You're right.
We're not boss material.
We're worker bees. We're grunts.
Oh, boy. That song. I can't hear that now.
Just put it on vibrate.
- Will you stop?
- Please?
- I picked this song to inspire us.
- It's not inspiring me.
Look at this. Unknown caller.
- Just answer it.
- Hello?
Yup, this is one of the Shower Buddy guys.
Mm-hm.
Really? Yes. No, of course.
I know exactly who you are.
Look up "Boulder Stream." Boulder Stream.
Uh-huh. Thank you.
We're very proud of the product.
- E-mail us the details, that'll be fine.
- Is that a real thing?
- Yeah, my e-mail?
- Not yours.
It's P-H-A-T-B-A-L-L...
...L-L-Z...
Yeah. All right. Thank you. Yeah.
- See you tomorrow.
- Wow.
Holy shit.
Boulder Stream loves the Shower Buddy.
Who the fuck is Boulder Stream?
Only one of the largest catalog retailers
in North America.
You're gonna hear me roar
Nice.
When you're in a good mood,
it's a good song. Bad mood, bad song.
That's art. That's good art.
- Man, this place is legit.
- Yeah, it's nice.
- Did you see the free cookies?
- Yeah, you clearly have. That's four of those.
- You're gonna have chocolate on your face.
- When we meet this guy...
...when you shake his hand,
use your other hand and touch his elbow.
- It's a classy move.
- I don't know this move. Let me see.
- Like that.
- Please, both sit down.
- That's nice.
- How about that? Not bad.
- That's really good.
- You got chocolate on your fingers.
Now it's on my jacket.
- Put water on it.
- I don't need water. That will set it.
- Get the cookie away from me.
- No, it's like a fire-on-fire thing.
No, the water will set it.
Ha! There they are.
There are my shower buddies.
How are you? In the flesh.
It's just like on that morning show.
You're always fighting. I love it.
- Yeah, it's a...
- Rex Hanson.
- Oh, hey. Kurt Buckman.
- Good to see you.
- Nice to see you.
- Classy handshake.
- Nick Hendricks.
- Nick, pleasure.
Hey, uh, Dale Arb... Uh...
- Shoot. I just learned it.
- We can do it whichever way you want.
- Right?
- To be clear, we're not racist.
Well, that's good. We can use that.
Why don't we grab the refreshments, coffee?
Grab some cookies.
Let's head upstairs. Let's talk
about this product. Is that corduroy?
Step inside. Dreams do come true.
You guys want something to drink?
- I'll take one.
- Sure.
- No. It's very early.
- No for us. Sorry.
I'm gonna cut right to it, gentlemen.
The Shower Buddy: a home run.
Well, Mr. Hanson, we couldn't be happier...
Mr. Hanson is my father. It's "Rex."
Please, sit down. Get comfortable.
Take a seat.
We want you to know that we are a company you
can be very proud to be in business with.
- Our workers are all gonna have health care...
- I don't really give a shit about that.
Do you see this?
This is Jimi Hendrix's actual guitar.
Heh, yeah. The one he did the fire and fingers
thing with. You like cool shit like this?
- We love cool shit.
- I'm into cool shit.
- You like fucking samurais?
- Samurais? Sure.
I knew you did. Get into business with me,
you're gonna have fucking loads of it.
- So you are offering to carry our product...?
- Wait a minute. Check this out.
Miss Lang, will you come in here a moment?
Now what?
Jesus fucking Christ.
Sweetheart, we were racking our brains.
What's a beer can made out of?
Do you mean aluminum?
- That'll be all, Miss Lang. Thank you.
- Okay.
And where does she go now?
Now, that is the kind of cool shit
you have to look forward to.
Best part about this deal:
you're not gonna have to lift a finger.
My company will assume
all future product development...
...outsource manufacturing to China...
...and you receive a handsome one-time
development fee.
- I wanna dig in on the one-time fee because...
- You see this football?
This is the one Peyton Manning threw and
the guy caught it in his helmet. Keep it.
You know, Rex, the one-time fee thing, we're
not looking to give up control of the company.
Right. We wanna handle all the manufacturing
and you guys do distribution.
What, you manufacture? Here, in America?
- That's the plan.
- The American-dream thing.
Boys, I hate to break it to you,
but the American dream, it's made in China.
Now, look, I respect your Naïveté, uh...
...but I'm afraid that this deal
only happens one way.
I did say "handsome fee," right?
Can I have one minute?
Just love to talk to my partners.
You got it. Take your time.
I'll be over here.
- Oh, boy.
- Man.
- What do you think?
- I didn't wanna say anything...
...but he means Eli Manning,
not Peyton Manning.
- Yeah. Maybe. Maybe. Kurt.
- I think she has an amazing fucking body...
...but that accent puts her over the top.
It's insane. That dress.
Agreed on both points. How about the deal?
- The deal. Gotta take it.
- We should take it.
- Take the money and get out.
- He's got cool shit.
- Imagine having your own cool shit.
- But look at this place.
I mean, these guys make loads of money
selling stuff...
...and he just called our Shower Buddy
a home run.
- Why sell a home run for a one-time fee?
- That's a good point.
I don't know. I could use the
money for Stacy and the girls.
That's a good point. That's true.
I could use money.
I get that.
But maybe it's not just about the money.
That's a good point.
Maybe it's about never having to work
for anybody ever again.
- That's right.
- Right? Being our own bosses.
- I say we bet on ourselves.
- Me too.
- You're right.
- I'm in.
I'm in. Let's do it.
Okay. Rex. Ahem.
- Uh, no deal.
- Sorry.
- We're, uh, betting on ourselves.
- Is that right?
Yeah. And no hard feelings.
Honestly, we really appreciate the offer.
- Sorry.
- Yeah. I can respect that.
Takes some serious balls to walk away
from 3 million bucks.
Hang on. Three million dollars?
We'll take that.
Sorry. Offer's off the table.
We'll take half. Half is fine.
Can we have half?
Ship's sailed.
Thank you so much for coming in.
Dale, I'm gonna need that ball back.
Good luck building something in America.
You know...
...I built this company from the bottom up
here in America.
- Dad, I didn't know you were back.
- What'd I tell you about using my office?
- I know, I just thought, you know...
- Bert Hanson.
You're the Shower Buddy guys?
- Yes, sir.
- Yeah. We are, sir.
I respect you gentlemen for wanting to roll
up your sleeves and build something...
...stake your claim.
Now, I came to this country with nothing.
And through risk and hard work,
I made my own American dream come true.
- Good for you.
- Well, here's what I'm gonna do.
I'll refer you to my contact
at Pacific Shore National.
- That's a bank.
- They won't balk at giving you a loan...
...once they hear that Bert Hanson just has
placed an initial order of, say, um...
...100,000 units?
- A hundred-thousand Shower Buddies?
- Whoa. Ha!
You're gonna make
100,000 Shower Buddies?
Dad, what are you talking about?
We never make this kind of deal.
I'm sorry, sir.
But Boulder Stream needs to be
your exclusive retailer.
- Uh, let's think it over. Of course.
- We won't pick up the phone if anyone calls.
- We have a deal?
- Yeah, you got a fucking deal.
- Hey, all right. There it is.
- I got his elbow. Yeah.
- I got some chocolate on you there.
- It doesn't matter.
That's great. That is good news.
So it's 20,000 square feet,
but it's a minimum five-year lease.
Twenty thousand.
That sounds like a lot more than we need.
But we want something
we can grow into, right?
- And we have a really big order, Nick.
- Damn straight. Come on, Nick.
- Nick. Nick.
- I don't know.
- You know, I say we take it. I say we take it.
- Yes.
- Yes, we do.
- Excellent.
You've got no work experience at all.
Is that bad?
Are you kidding? It's great.
- You're enthusiastic and you're unjaded.
- And unqualified.
- You know what? You're hired.
- Oops.
- Really?
- That was unexpected and, uh, undeserving.
You're hired.
That's a yes. That's an obvious yes.
- Well, again, uh...
- No résumé at all.
Don't need it. Your eyes speak.
You seem honest.
Hold on, pal.
- Um, you're hired.
- Really?
- I mean, if you'll have us.
- Thank you.
- Becoming faster now.
- Well...
- Can you start on Saturday evening?
- Absolutely.
Okay, great, I'll get a hold of you.
- Says here you've been convicted of a felony.
- That was bullshit.
Word up, though, I get that, man.
Like, pfft, I had a similar thing.
They tried to peg me as a child sex
offender. It was total bullshit.
Oh, yo, yo, yo.
I ain't down with no kid-fuckers.
- I'm not down with kid shit either.
- Yeah, none of us are.
N-to-the-O, brother.
We do not support that at all.
But, you know, let's just give the guy a job.
Just... Yeah. I don't wanna upset this guy.
Well, tell you what, Tiffany. You're hired.
- I'm hired?
- Yeah, you are.
- There you go. There you go.
- Oh, thank you.
We'll see you later. See you Monday.
Get out of here.
Kurt, you gotta stop hiring
hot unqualified women.
What's the point of being boss
if you can't stock the pond?
You realize you can't sleep
with these women?
- What?
- You're the boss. It's sexual harassment.
Remember sexual harassment?
I tried to kill my boss. Ring a bell?
I gotta fire them all now?
We just hired them.
You can't fire them because you're not
allowed to sleep with them.
Also sexual harassment.
Why are we even doing this, then?
All right, let's talk dress code.
- Forget it.
- There is no dress code.
- Come on.
- You can dress however you want.
Whatever makes you feel comfortable...
Well, there goes a shirt. All right.
- It's a choice.
- Well...
That's the wrong choice, though.
Gotta wear a shirt. That's the one...
He's walking away from me.
He might have been a bad hire.
Who's having fun, huh?
Hey, guys.
Everybody seems very happy.
This was a great idea.
Yeah, I know.
This could be an issue, though.
It is Bring Your Kids to Work Day,
not Put Your Kids to Work Day.
They're not working.
They consider this playing.
I tried to tell them to stop,
and they started crying.
- They have boxed 1200 units already.
- Unethical... 1200?
- Yeah.
- Well, that's productive, though.
- Yeah.
- And they seem happy.
- Let them play another ten minutes, maybe.
- I say we let them play through lunch.
- Yeah. Legally I think I'll change the sign.
- Yeah.
Oh, boy. This is it.
Here we go. Here we go.
- We did it. We're at 100,000.
- We did it?
- Yeah.
- Let me see.
Woo-hoo-hoo!
- This is a great idea.
- How do you think they mow this?
- Sure we shouldn't have called ahead?
- No. He's gonna love it.
Cake and balloons.
Don't think that's overdoing it?
No. I think he's gonna be psyched
the order's done three days early.
I think he's gonna be flipping out
to see us out on his course.
I wouldn't be surprised
if he gives us a membership.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
Oh, my God. I want that.
Yeah!
Surprise. Ha, ha.
Sir, we finished your order
and it is ready to be shipped.
Excellent news.
We got you a little cake that says,
"Thanks for believing in us!"
- And some balloons of course.
- We're the "us."
Congratulations, boys.
What an accomplishment.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have
to cancel that order.
What'd he say?
- Sounded like he said "cancel the order."
- What?
- Cancel what?
- Cancel the order.
Don't need it.
- Wait, no. That doesn't work.
- You can't do that.
- We went 500 grand in the hole.
- We were in business.
- If you don't buy, we are ruined.
- It's a $500,000 order.
- The American dream and all that.
- He's gonna putt. He's just gonna putt.
- He makes the putt.
- Can you explain what's happening?
- And why you're doing this?
- Yeah, sure. Fair question.
You see, boys, in one week
your bridge loan comes due...
...and you won't be able to pay it.
And your loan officer has assured me
no extension will be granted.
At that moment,
your company will go into foreclosure...
...and I will buy all of those units
at auction for pennies on the dollar.
Cheaper than I could have gotten them
from the Chinese.
- Oh, my fucking God.
- I can't believe this.
Anyway, as an added bonus,
I will also own your patent...
...and these gentlemen here will take over
manufacturing of our new product:
The Shower Pal.
- It's a better name too.
- It is.
- Goddamn it.
- Fucking hell.
Oh, Dad, that is a hell of a fucking play.
We should fit these guys for crowns
because they just got fucked royally.
Rex. No call for this MTV showboating.
They're aware of their defeat.
In these moments,
it's more impactful to be still.
What about that stuff about hard work
and starting a company in America?
- The American dream and hard work.
- All bullshit?
You honestly think
hard work creates wealth?
The only thing that
creates wealth is wealth.
And we have it. You don't.
Okay. Okay. You know what?
- Take it easy. Take it easy.
- I got it. Hey.
Listen, bucko. You don't wanna
make enemies out of us, okay?
Whoa, easy. I didn't walk all up on you.
I make new enemies every day.
It's called business.
Thank you, gentlemen, for stopping by.
Have a lovely day.
Rex, get the cake.
Ow.
Rich motherfucking, overprivileged,
fucking assholes.
What happened to decency?
- I'm gonna lose my house.
- Yeah.
Stacy's gonna divorce me.
She's gonna marry some dude.
- I'll have supervised visits at McDonald's.
- Fucking McDonald's.
What were we thinking? Who bets
on themselves? Why did we do that?
- What?
- You're the one who talked me into it.
I was on the fence.
We're fucked! Our employees are fucked.
What about them? What about Lupe?
This is just a problem. That means
all we gotta do is come up with a solution.
We'll put some ideas up on the board.
That's what I'm talking about.
Here we go. Let's go.
- No idea's a bad idea.
- No idea's a bad idea.
- Who's gonna start us off?
- I got it.
- Kurt.
- Kill these motherfuckers.
- No, no.
- Murder! Yes.
- You don't need to write that down.
- Kill them.
- Let's fucking kill them! I want them dead!
- Kill them.
- We open up their brains and shove them...
- Then we fuck the skulls!
- I'm getting that taste, Nick.
- They're fucking dead!
- We're fucking doing it again!
- That's the Chicago way!
- Chicago way! Cut them open.
I want his family dead.
I want his house burned down,
and I'll get a baseball bat.
- Come on, man, come on.
- Fuck their skulls!
- Come on.
- Come on.
We'll fucking kill them.
If we've learned one thing about
ourselves, it's that we're not murderers.
- How does killing them get us our money?
- What do you mean?
You harvest their organs,
sell them on the black market.
Be fucking serious. Come on.
This is not helpful. Think seriously.
You're right. There's other
things people have done.
- There's plots.
- For money.
- The plot of the movie Speed.
- Yes, there you go. Put a bomb on a bus.
So we'll rig a bus so that when it goes
below 50 miles an hour, it blows up.
- What the fuck is that?
- You said no idea was a bad idea.
I was wrong. That idea sucks,
the movie sucks and so do you.
That movie introduced us to Sandy Bullock.
Fuck you! I love Sandra Bullock!
I'm running hot.
I'm sorry. I'm running hot.
The whole fucking thing's got me upset.
Give me the marker,
I'll get a better idea.
Want the marker?
Give me $500,000, that's what we need.
- Gonna hold the marker ransom?
- Call it what you want.
I need a half a million dollars.
I don't need shit ideas and a bunch of hot air.
Come on.
Dale.
- Boom. Marker drop.
- "Kidnaping."
- That's "kidnapping."
- With one more P it is. That's "kidnaping."
However the fuck you spell it. You know what
I'm talking about. Kidnapping. Come on.
Wait a second. That's a fucking great idea.
Think about it. First of all, we kidnap Rex.
- We get money from Bert.
- Ransom money.
We save the business.
No one has to die.
- Nobody gets hurt.
- He is the kid of Bert.
Right, but he's not super young.
- So it's not super douchey and shit.
- It's not all molesty and shit.
What do you know
about executing a kidnapping?
- What do you mean? You just...
- You get zip ties.
You don't know shit about kidnapping.
Okay, we don't know a ton.
But I bet we know someone that does.
- Who?
- Motherfucker Jones.
- Oh, Jesus.
- Wouldn't it be good to see him?
We're not gonna go see Motherfucker Jones
because we're not gonna "kidnape" anyone.
Come on, this guy's a
master business prick.
He's at the top of his game.
We need to figure out...
Boy, look what we got.
Is that a Sharpie?
- Hang on. What was a Sharpie doing there?
- You put it there.
I did put it on there.
- You're in charge of marker distribution.
- I know I'm the marker guy.
Permanently on the board now.
This illustrates my point, idiots.
We need to find somebody who's legitimate.
We need to find someone
who can get us our company back.
Hello, Nick...
...guy who saved my life...
...guy who fucked my wife.
It was a blow job. It was a blow job, only.
Didn't fuck her.
You got my e-mail?
I did. And I was very amused by it.
I know Bert Hanson. I
like the cut of his jib.
And I admire the way he bent you three idiots
over a barrel and showed you the 50 states.
- Ah. See? Told you it was a saying.
- Wow.
Now, Nick, just tell me something.
Why would you start production...
...without at least a guarantee
of 35 percent down...
...to cover manufacturing costs?
I mean, why would you do that?
- Is he telling a joke?
- Is something funny?
Uh, we assumed that we were dealing
with somebody who was ethical...
No, that's the wrong answer.
The right answer is because...
...you're all fucking morons.
Boy, he shined a light on that, didn't he?
That's true. You're absolutely right.
You thought I was such a bad boss.
But, I don't know, I think running
your own company into the ground...
...ruining the livelihood of your employees
is maybe a bit worse. What do you think?
- That's fair.
- Should I be on the phone if I'm taking notes?
- I'm not getting any of what he's saying.
- It's just a lot of rhetorical questions.
So, what do you want from me, Nick?
With all due respect,
you know what makes a guy like that tick.
So if you could give us some advice
on how to get our money back...
...I will play real nice at your next
parole hearing. How does that sound?
- You would do that for me?
- Yes, I would.
Okay. I think I can help you.
He's gonna help? Okay, I got a notepad.
I got a notepad.
From a legal standpoint...
"Legal standpoint."
...your options are...
- "Options are..."
- Legal options.
...jack fucking shit.
I heard "Jack Leibowitz."
Is that an attorney?
- I'll write that down.
- Can we get his contact info?
Even if you had the money
to fight him in the courts...
...his lawyers are just gonna file motions
and continuances...
...long after you three
pissant little fuckups...
...have blown your tiny little brains out.
You saying nothing can be done?
No, I said there's nothing you can do.
There's plenty that could be done,
but you won't do it.
- And do you wanna know why?
- No, not really.
- Because you have no balls.
- I see.
And your fathers had no balls.
You are all a product of generations
of ball-less men...
...who were too weak or too frightened
to stand up and take what was theirs.
And one day, you will pass on...
...your empty, shriveled sacs
to your own pitiful offspring.
- I can't hear. What is he talking about?
- Our nut sacs, mostly.
How'd that come up?
- Why don't you pitch him the kidnapping?
- Let the kidnapping go.
- Pitch him the kidnapping.
- Show some balls, all right?
Wanna see balls? Kidnap someone.
You'll end up in here. You'll see
plenty of balls on your forehead.
- Mm.
- Why are they on my forehead?
- Was the dick on top of my head?
- Makes no sense.
- Oh, I'm upside down.
- You sure are. Your face is getting fucked.
Motherfucker.
Mm-hm. So y'all plan to use the ransom
to save your business.
- Exactly, yeah. That's it.
- That's what we're hoping.
Will you tell these idiots
how stupid that is, please?
Ah. I like it.
- Nice. See?
- I knew he'd like it.
You're doing what you need to
to keep your business going.
I had a dream for a long time
to get my own business.
Yeah.
I wanted to open my own Pinkberry.
- Ha, ha.
- What the fuck is the chuckles about?
Oh, I thought you were joking.
See how many crackers line up to get
that Captain Crunch-covered freezing shit?
- I eat it three times a week. I love Pinkberry.
- Hey, that's awesome.
- You like Pinkberry?
- I'm lactose intolerant.
- Right.
- You got an African-American belly?
- Because black people suffer from lactose.
- Oh, okay, good, well...
- We got some kind of kinship.
- Yeah, cool, man.
- Stool soft?
- It can be.
- Bottom tender.
- Yeah, bottom's fine.
If somebody took my Pinkberry,
I wouldn't take that sitting down.
- You would fight.
- I will cut a motherfucker in half.
You wouldn't kidnap someone
because you can't successfully pull it off.
Name me a kidnapping movie...
...where the kidnappers weren't dead
or incarcerated at the end.
- 9 to 5, asshole.
- 9 to 5.
- Name me two movies, then.
- You said name one.
- I nailed one right on you.
- 9 to 5 was this movie...
I know what the fuck 9 to 5 is.
It's about the white bitch with the big titties.
- Yeah.
- She got old, the titties stayed young.
I'm not gonna kidnap someone
based on 9 to 5.
- That's because you Jane Fonda.
- You're the scaredy-cat one.
You're always the last to man up.
You're dragging your feet.
Why are you here
if you're not gonna participate?
First of all, if anyone,
I'm the smart one. I'm Lily Tomlin.
- But I won't have this conversation.
- Please, I'm Lily Tomlin, if anybody is.
Sitting in the big chair,
giving David O. Russell shit.
- Yeah, he's got the 'tude. You're Fonda, man.
- You're Jane Fonda.
- That makes you Dolly Parton.
- Great. Woman's got her own theme park.
- She's a national treasure.
- Two national treasures.
Can I pose a question to you colonizers?
Happened a long time ago.
How do you kidnap somebody
without them knowing...
...they've been kidnapped?
- Okay.
- You smarten up, and you don't even do it.
- He's a black sphinx. I like it.
- He threw a riddle our way.
- How do you...?
- Voodoo. Voodoo?
I can give you the answers.
- Fifty thousand.
- No.
- We can't.
- Six hundred?
You should not run a Pinkberry. Sorry.
- The weirdest negotiating style.
- We don't have money.
You know, we're here because
we have zero dollars. We're broke.
Fuck it. Give me the watch.
- Nope.
- Give him your watch.
- I'm not giving him this. This is a Tag Heuer.
- This is a wrist without a watch.
Come on. It's just material things.
Can't take it with you.
You can borrow it
while you tell us a shitty plan.
All right.
Slip him a mickey.
Give me the watch back.
You sneak into his crib at night.
Find out whatever his beverage of choice is
before he goes to bed.
You slip the mickey in the beverage.
Knock him out nice and easy.
And you keep that bitch sedated
until Daddy pays up.
It's not a crazy idea,
but it's not worth a Swiss watch.
- That could work.
- Hmm. That's great. That makes total sense.
- He doesn't see our faces.
- We're ghosts. We don't even exist.
- When you say "mickey... "?
- A date-rape drug. Where do you get those?
- Where do I get them?
- Uh... Yeah.
Because of the hue of my skin
I know where to get date-rape drugs?
- You brought up the date-raping.
- You got N word in your eyes.
- Why are your eyes saying the N word?
- Klan eyes.
- You've got Klan eyes.
- You ever take a eye test?
- Yes.
- All you pick out is the K.
- I see every letter.
- He does have Klan eyes.
You can see them poking out
behind that sheet.
- It's just ridic... I can't... It's so upsetting.
- Let me ask you a question.
When you got raped by Julia, what did she
use to knock you out? Laughing gas?
- Oh, right.
- That'll work.
- That's interesting.
- You have keys to the office?
- No, but I know the code.
- Yes.
Okay. You did it again.
- For the record, I am not racist.
- You're the best. Thanks.
- Let's go. See you.
- Good to see you.
Surprisingly helpful.
Any way I can get the watch back?
Fuck out of here, Jane Fonda.
That's a tough one.
And you can't fuck all three, right?
- You cannot.
- Not the game. Okay.
Well, then I would marry Peter,
kill Bobby, and fuck Greg.
- That's what I'd do too.
- Yeah?
- I think that's the only way to play it.
- It makes sense.
- How'd you do?
- I did great.
I got extra supplies.
I think we gotta be more careful this time.
- Absolutely. So smart.
- I got a magazine to cut up the ransom note.
- Can't be writing it by hand.
- Smart.
Bride Again Magazine?
To throw the cops off if they start snooping
to figure out where the letters came from.
- Dora the Explorer walkie-talkies?
- Awesome.
- It's not a spy store. It's a convenience store.
- Didn't wanna just use our phones?
Let's use our phones. They make a record
of everything that we say and do.
- Do you watch the news?
- My apologies.
Hey, Obama. I'm breaking
into my old office.
It's just the three of us doing this,
not us and the NSA.
- I'm trying to help us out.
- Heh.
- Did you get scissors?
- I got some scissors.
- I don't see any latex gloves in here.
- They're, like, super expensive.
- How much?
- Nine bucks a pair.
- That's ridiculous.
- Right?
- It's the only thing you went in there to buy.
- She's got a ton of gloves in her office.
We'll just use those.
You need them to get inside,
so we don't leave fingerprints.
That's right. You dummy.
Don't you know that?
Know what we can do?
We can use my golf gloves in my bag.
He's got gloves in his golf bag.
Don't poke holes in everything.
I'm trying to help out.
- Guys, the team's back together.
- Ha, ha! Whoo!
I call lookout.
And I will let you know if I see Swiper.
Nice. Let's go.
How we doing in there, guys?
I got it. I got it. I got it.
All good. How are things out there, Nick?
Things are good. Hey, can you not say
my name over the radio, please?
- Why not?
- Could be somebody on the frequency.
Oh, yeah. It's a good point. Very smart.
There you go.
That's using the old Hendricks brain.
And there's the last name.
- We should come up with code names.
- Absolutely.
- Nick, where you landing on code names?
- I'd love it if you'd stop saying my name.
- Just get the gas and get out here.
- Roger that.
The Blade has acquired the target.
- Was that "The Blade"?
Mm-hm. That's my code name, Nick.
We don't need code names.
Everybody knows who's talking.
They're sounding pretty cool,
so let's try to land on a couple.
I'm gonna think up one real quick
and lay it on you.
Uh, I'm coming in at you with The Majestic Lion.
I'm gonna be The Majestic Lion.
Now we're talking.
Not gonna call you that.
That's a bummer there.
I'm gonna need a reason as to why.
Because you're not a jungle cat,
and it's stupid as shit.
- Fair point.
- Good catch.
Uh, we should come up with one for him.
- How about St. Nick?
- You've said my name four fucking times.
If you could come back out to the car,
we can go home.
You know what?
What if I drop the "Lion"?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Somebody's here. Somebody's here.
- Just The Majestic?
I love that. I like that.
Shut up about the code names. A bunch of
people just pulled up into the parking lot.
Hello. Get your thumb off the butt...
Oh, my God.
Real hot chick just pulled
into Julia's parking spot.
I think Julia's headed into the building.
If you'd get your thumb
off the fucking button and...
Ah, fuck. Fucking idiots.
Well, you know what? It's not my fault.
It's not my goddamn fault.
I haven't done a thing illegal.
I can just drive out of here.
I can just drive right home.
No, I can't do that. I can't do that.
They'll just fucking tell on me.
All right, we're on our way to you.
Chickens have left the pot. My God, my God.
- The coop, I think.
- What?
The "my God, my God"
does sounds like a thing.
Oh, shit.
Why don't you set the food up over there?
And we'll circle these chairs around.
Dale?
Kurt.
God, grant us...
Oh, shit. It's a cult. It's a fucking cult.
...about our sex addiction
that we cannot change...
- Sex addiction.
- It's a sex addiction. Yeah.
Neat.
So proud of you, every one of you,
for being here today.
Shit.
How's it going?
Hi. It's going, uh...
Whew, you know.
I'm in trouble.
- Save it.
- Okay.
...Something that happened to them
this week.
Found this gentleman
loitering out in your hall.
Oh, shit. Nick got busted.
Says he knows he's in trouble.
- Yeah.
- We're all in trouble.
You don't have to be afraid.
You're safe here.
Okay.
Sorry I'm late. What's up, brother?
Toby, why don't you grab a chair and bring
it in so this young man can join us?
Yeah, um...
- Boy, uh...
- What's your name, honey?
I am, um...
I am Blanston.
- Hi, Blanston.
- Hi.
For a guy not into code names...
- Big swing.
- Bold choice.
- And I love it.
- Yeah.
- It's nice to have fresh blood in the group.
- Appreciate it.
- Fresh, cute blood.
- Hey.
Easy, Julia. Blanston, would you like to
share with us what's led you into recovery?
Ah. Well, okay. I do
have a very big problem.
Just been hitting it hard.
I've been hitting it hard.
He thinks he's in an AA meeting.
Getting together with the guys.
Oftentimes, ending up just face down.
Chugging one after the other.
Sometimes double-fisted, just:
Gah, gah, gah. You know?
You know what I'm talking about.
So your sexual addiction,
it's homosexual in nature?
My sex addiction? My sex
addiction is, um...
And then what did you say?
- You like to fuck guys.
- No. My sex addiction is to ladies.
- Oh.
- You know. I'm addicted to women.
Bo
for the morning grind...
...it's another brutal Monday out there
traffic-wise.
The 2 is slow-and-go to the 5.
A Sig Alert is bogging down the I-10.
And if you're on the 405 freeway,
you're probably already late for work.
If your boss gives you a hard time about it,
have him come down here and talk to...
- ...Rachel.
- Oh, no.
Zing! Ha, ha. Thanks, Skip.
But, hey, speaking of bosses,
after the break...
...we get to meet three guys who are chasing
their dream of becoming their own bosses.
Stay with us.
And we're out. Very good, guys.
We're back in 90 seconds.
Jesus Christ.
Dale, you gotta stop sweating, pal.
- Oh, wow, you are wet.
- "Stop sweating." How do I stop sweating?
I mean, guys this is a big deal.
We got everything riding on this.
We've quit our jobs, I have three children
to think about now. How about that?
Think about this. You do a good job now,
you're gonna make your boys very proud.
- Girls. I have three girls, dude.
- Hmm? Right. You can't even tell at that age.
- They basically look like potatoes with arms.
- Don't call my kids potatoes.
- Respect the kids.
- Don't piss him off.
- They wear pink!
- Calm him down.
A lot of guys wear pink.
- I have a pink polo shirt that I love.
- Come on.
- Can we get a roll of paper towels over hear?
- Can I get a roll of paper towels?!
Why are you barking at people?
He's saying please, you're just barking.
- Bad manners.
- Buddy, dry your face.
- He's freaking out.
- It's unbelievable.
- Can you go on without me?
- Why don't you wait in the car?
Stop, this is gonna be easy.
You have to calm down.
Look, Nick's gonna hit them with facts
and figures, because he's the brains, right?
You talk about how you and your wife fucked
and made three potatoes with arms.
You're the heart. Me,
I'll do my thing, get in where I fit in.
- You're the soul?
- No, I'm the dick and balls.
- Got it.
- Why would I wanna be the soul?
- Just don't pass out. Just keep breathing.
- See? This will be easy.
- All we have to do is be ourselves.
- Let's not. Ourselves is a Dumpster fire.
- Let's be better. Let's try to elevate a little.
- That's a good note. Nobody be themselves.
All right, we're back in 20 seconds.
Hey, fellas, thanks for coming.
- Nice to meet you.
- Good morning. How are you?
Hey, my man. There's trouble.
- Too much.
- Well, he went with it.
- Dale Arbus.
- Pleasure to meet you, man.
- Thanks for coming on. This will be fun.
- Yeah.
Does that zip all the way down?
And we're back in five, four...
Get up, get up, get up, and get out
Ha, ha! And we're back.
You know, every week we like to highlight...
...local inventors and entrepreneurs
in our Big Idea Spotlight.
That's right, Mike.
And today we have
three modern-day...
...Edisons who've created a new shower gadget
they hope to really clean up with.
Please, welcome Nick, Kurt and Dale.
Pleasure to be here.
Before we get in to the
product, can you tell us...
...what is it that inspired three regular Joes
to go into business for yourselves?
We were all working at pretty terrible jobs
for some awful bosses.
And thought if we got a chance to be
our own bosses, we'd do things differently.
This might be our shot.
We didn't think we'd get the chance,
but Dale had an amazing idea.
Don't go to Dale.
And, uh, we started meeting together
to talk about the invention...
...instead of complaining about our jobs.
Hey, I think that's exciting.
Dale, you know, I just wanna know,
where did the idea come from...
- ...for a new showerhead?
- I have three kids.
So that's the heart.
- That's a blessing.
- Yeah, well, he has triplets.
In all honesty, it's too many.
I'm pretty overwhelmed.
Well, he's got them on his mind, clearly.
Uh, let me answer the question.
Dale, uh, had just gotten back
from one of those self-service car washes...
- ...with the wand with the soap.
- It's got everything in one thing.
He thought, "Why don't they make
one of these for your body?"
After we had a few beers,
we came up with the, uh, Shower Buddy.
- The Shower Buddy?
- I'm sorry, that name's not official yet.
- No, he's wrong. It is official.
- I wanted the "Shower Daddy."
- "Shower Daddy" is worse on every level.
- I have to agree with Nick.
Better than having
some strange dude with you.
It's not some strange dude,
as I've said many times. It's your buddy.
- Why would your buddy be in the shower?
- Why would your dad?
- Uh-oh.
- Don't scream on television.
You know what? How about you fellas
show us how this gizmo works?
- Right? Let's get it going. Ha, ha.
- Yes. Make it rain. Yes. Work it, work it.
Oh, this is awesome.
Kurt's gonna turn on the shower.
You're gonna see the water come out.
After a bit, the shampoo's gonna automatically
be triggered out of the showerhead...
- No water pressure.
- The blue handle.
- No water pressure.
- There's a pump on the back.
- I could pump it manually.
- Dale's gonna help out. Thank you, buddy.
- Pump.
- You got it?
- I got it.
- Yeah?
Water comes out,
the shampoo mixes with the water...
...then shortly after that, conditioner.
You shower in half the time
with the Shower Buddy.
The average American... I don't know if you
know this.... spends 50 hours a week working.
- Hand's cramping up.
- Here, let me help.
-- Commuting.
If we can save you just five minutes...
- The whole rod's too dry, right?
- Yeah, spit on it.
- Better?
- See, yeah. If you lube it up, it's better.
Oh, no, absolutely.
I'm sorry. There's a hole in the back.
I'm gonna stick my finger in it.
We don't really care how you get it done.
Just get it done. Get it finished.
- Whatever it takes.
- Live TV, right?
Live TV. What are you gonna do?
- Yeah. Here we go.
- Oh, here it comes.
Hey!
- I told you.
- Works just as promised, okay?
- Now, go ahead and shut it off.
- It's so cool. I want one.
You can't have this one. It's the prototype.
But we're looking for partners.
I'll tell you right now. I'm sold.
I wanna invest.
We got one. All right, Mike.
Now, how would I get in touch
with you guys?
- You go straight to Nickkurtdale.
- I'm sorry, what?
It's our website. Nickkurtdale. com.
I'm positive I'm not
hearing that right.
It's our names: Nick, Kurt, Dale.
Nickkurtdale.
Y'all gotta change that name.
Cannot believe
we never said it out loud before.
It looked so good on paper.
It was a nice dream while it lasted, but I think
it's time we all go beg for our jobs back.
Maybe just accept the fact
that we'll always be cogs in the machine.
Wait. Cocks in the machine. What is that?
"Cogs." Guh.
You know what? You're right.
We're not boss material.
We're worker bees. We're grunts.
Oh, boy. That song. I can't hear that now.
Just put it on vibrate.
- Will you stop?
- Please?
- I picked this song to inspire us.
- It's not inspiring me.
Look at this. Unknown caller.
- Just answer it.
- Hello?
Yup, this is one of the Shower Buddy guys.
Mm-hm.
Really? Yes. No, of course.
I know exactly who you are.
Look up "Boulder Stream." Boulder Stream.
Uh-huh. Thank you.
We're very proud of the product.
- E-mail us the details, that'll be fine.
- Is that a real thing?
- Yeah, my e-mail?
- Not yours.
It's P-H-A-T-B-A-L-L...
...L-L-Z...
Yeah. All right. Thank you. Yeah.
- See you tomorrow.
- Wow.
Holy shit.
Boulder Stream loves the Shower Buddy.
Who the fuck is Boulder Stream?
Only one of the largest catalog retailers
in North America.
You're gonna hear me roar
Nice.
When you're in a good mood,
it's a good song. Bad mood, bad song.
That's art. That's good art.
- Man, this place is legit.
- Yeah, it's nice.
- Did you see the free cookies?
- Yeah, you clearly have. That's four of those.
- You're gonna have chocolate on your face.
- When we meet this guy...
...when you shake his hand,
use your other hand and touch his elbow.
- It's a classy move.
- I don't know this move. Let me see.
- Like that.
- Please, both sit down.
- That's nice.
- How about that? Not bad.
- That's really good.
- You got chocolate on your fingers.
Now it's on my jacket.
- Put water on it.
- I don't need water. That will set it.
- Get the cookie away from me.
- No, it's like a fire-on-fire thing.
No, the water will set it.
Ha! There they are.
There are my shower buddies.
How are you? In the flesh.
It's just like on that morning show.
You're always fighting. I love it.
- Yeah, it's a...
- Rex Hanson.
- Oh, hey. Kurt Buckman.
- Good to see you.
- Nice to see you.
- Classy handshake.
- Nick Hendricks.
- Nick, pleasure.
Hey, uh, Dale Arb... Uh...
- Shoot. I just learned it.
- We can do it whichever way you want.
- Right?
- To be clear, we're not racist.
Well, that's good. We can use that.
Why don't we grab the refreshments, coffee?
Grab some cookies.
Let's head upstairs. Let's talk
about this product. Is that corduroy?
Step inside. Dreams do come true.
You guys want something to drink?
- I'll take one.
- Sure.
- No. It's very early.
- No for us. Sorry.
I'm gonna cut right to it, gentlemen.
The Shower Buddy: a home run.
Well, Mr. Hanson, we couldn't be happier...
Mr. Hanson is my father. It's "Rex."
Please, sit down. Get comfortable.
Take a seat.
We want you to know that we are a company you
can be very proud to be in business with.
- Our workers are all gonna have health care...
- I don't really give a shit about that.
Do you see this?
This is Jimi Hendrix's actual guitar.
Heh, yeah. The one he did the fire and fingers
thing with. You like cool shit like this?
- We love cool shit.
- I'm into cool shit.
- You like fucking samurais?
- Samurais? Sure.
I knew you did. Get into business with me,
you're gonna have fucking loads of it.
- So you are offering to carry our product...?
- Wait a minute. Check this out.
Miss Lang, will you come in here a moment?
Now what?
Jesus fucking Christ.
Sweetheart, we were racking our brains.
What's a beer can made out of?
Do you mean aluminum?
- That'll be all, Miss Lang. Thank you.
- Okay.
And where does she go now?
Now, that is the kind of cool shit
you have to look forward to.
Best part about this deal:
you're not gonna have to lift a finger.
My company will assume
all future product development...
...outsource manufacturing to China...
...and you receive a handsome one-time
development fee.
- I wanna dig in on the one-time fee because...
- You see this football?
This is the one Peyton Manning threw and
the guy caught it in his helmet. Keep it.
You know, Rex, the one-time fee thing, we're
not looking to give up control of the company.
Right. We wanna handle all the manufacturing
and you guys do distribution.
What, you manufacture? Here, in America?
- That's the plan.
- The American-dream thing.
Boys, I hate to break it to you,
but the American dream, it's made in China.
Now, look, I respect your Naïveté, uh...
...but I'm afraid that this deal
only happens one way.
I did say "handsome fee," right?
Can I have one minute?
Just love to talk to my partners.
You got it. Take your time.
I'll be over here.
- Oh, boy.
- Man.
- What do you think?
- I didn't wanna say anything...
...but he means Eli Manning,
not Peyton Manning.
- Yeah. Maybe. Maybe. Kurt.
- I think she has an amazing fucking body...
...but that accent puts her over the top.
It's insane. That dress.
Agreed on both points. How about the deal?
- The deal. Gotta take it.
- We should take it.
- Take the money and get out.
- He's got cool shit.
- Imagine having your own cool shit.
- But look at this place.
I mean, these guys make loads of money
selling stuff...
...and he just called our Shower Buddy
a home run.
- Why sell a home run for a one-time fee?
- That's a good point.
I don't know. I could use the
money for Stacy and the girls.
That's a good point. That's true.
I could use money.
I get that.
But maybe it's not just about the money.
That's a good point.
Maybe it's about never having to work
for anybody ever again.
- That's right.
- Right? Being our own bosses.
- I say we bet on ourselves.
- Me too.
- You're right.
- I'm in.
I'm in. Let's do it.
Okay. Rex. Ahem.
- Uh, no deal.
- Sorry.
- We're, uh, betting on ourselves.
- Is that right?
Yeah. And no hard feelings.
Honestly, we really appreciate the offer.
- Sorry.
- Yeah. I can respect that.
Takes some serious balls to walk away
from 3 million bucks.
Hang on. Three million dollars?
We'll take that.
Sorry. Offer's off the table.
We'll take half. Half is fine.
Can we have half?
Ship's sailed.
Thank you so much for coming in.
Dale, I'm gonna need that ball back.
Good luck building something in America.
You know...
...I built this company from the bottom up
here in America.
- Dad, I didn't know you were back.
- What'd I tell you about using my office?
- I know, I just thought, you know...
- Bert Hanson.
You're the Shower Buddy guys?
- Yes, sir.
- Yeah. We are, sir.
I respect you gentlemen for wanting to roll
up your sleeves and build something...
...stake your claim.
Now, I came to this country with nothing.
And through risk and hard work,
I made my own American dream come true.
- Good for you.
- Well, here's what I'm gonna do.
I'll refer you to my contact
at Pacific Shore National.
- That's a bank.
- They won't balk at giving you a loan...
...once they hear that Bert Hanson just has
placed an initial order of, say, um...
...100,000 units?
- A hundred-thousand Shower Buddies?
- Whoa. Ha!
You're gonna make
100,000 Shower Buddies?
Dad, what are you talking about?
We never make this kind of deal.
I'm sorry, sir.
But Boulder Stream needs to be
your exclusive retailer.
- Uh, let's think it over. Of course.
- We won't pick up the phone if anyone calls.
- We have a deal?
- Yeah, you got a fucking deal.
- Hey, all right. There it is.
- I got his elbow. Yeah.
- I got some chocolate on you there.
- It doesn't matter.
That's great. That is good news.
So it's 20,000 square feet,
but it's a minimum five-year lease.
Twenty thousand.
That sounds like a lot more than we need.
But we want something
we can grow into, right?
- And we have a really big order, Nick.
- Damn straight. Come on, Nick.
- Nick. Nick.
- I don't know.
- You know, I say we take it. I say we take it.
- Yes.
- Yes, we do.
- Excellent.
You've got no work experience at all.
Is that bad?
Are you kidding? It's great.
- You're enthusiastic and you're unjaded.
- And unqualified.
- You know what? You're hired.
- Oops.
- Really?
- That was unexpected and, uh, undeserving.
You're hired.
That's a yes. That's an obvious yes.
- Well, again, uh...
- No résumé at all.
Don't need it. Your eyes speak.
You seem honest.
Hold on, pal.
- Um, you're hired.
- Really?
- I mean, if you'll have us.
- Thank you.
- Becoming faster now.
- Well...
- Can you start on Saturday evening?
- Absolutely.
Okay, great, I'll get a hold of you.
- Says here you've been convicted of a felony.
- That was bullshit.
Word up, though, I get that, man.
Like, pfft, I had a similar thing.
They tried to peg me as a child sex
offender. It was total bullshit.
Oh, yo, yo, yo.
I ain't down with no kid-fuckers.
- I'm not down with kid shit either.
- Yeah, none of us are.
N-to-the-O, brother.
We do not support that at all.
But, you know, let's just give the guy a job.
Just... Yeah. I don't wanna upset this guy.
Well, tell you what, Tiffany. You're hired.
- I'm hired?
- Yeah, you are.
- There you go. There you go.
- Oh, thank you.
We'll see you later. See you Monday.
Get out of here.
Kurt, you gotta stop hiring
hot unqualified women.
What's the point of being boss
if you can't stock the pond?
You realize you can't sleep
with these women?
- What?
- You're the boss. It's sexual harassment.
Remember sexual harassment?
I tried to kill my boss. Ring a bell?
I gotta fire them all now?
We just hired them.
You can't fire them because you're not
allowed to sleep with them.
Also sexual harassment.
Why are we even doing this, then?
All right, let's talk dress code.
- Forget it.
- There is no dress code.
- Come on.
- You can dress however you want.
Whatever makes you feel comfortable...
Well, there goes a shirt. All right.
- It's a choice.
- Well...
That's the wrong choice, though.
Gotta wear a shirt. That's the one...
He's walking away from me.
He might have been a bad hire.
Who's having fun, huh?
Hey, guys.
Everybody seems very happy.
This was a great idea.
Yeah, I know.
This could be an issue, though.
It is Bring Your Kids to Work Day,
not Put Your Kids to Work Day.
They're not working.
They consider this playing.
I tried to tell them to stop,
and they started crying.
- They have boxed 1200 units already.
- Unethical... 1200?
- Yeah.
- Well, that's productive, though.
- Yeah.
- And they seem happy.
- Let them play another ten minutes, maybe.
- I say we let them play through lunch.
- Yeah. Legally I think I'll change the sign.
- Yeah.
Oh, boy. This is it.
Here we go. Here we go.
- We did it. We're at 100,000.
- We did it?
- Yeah.
- Let me see.
Woo-hoo-hoo!
- This is a great idea.
- How do you think they mow this?
- Sure we shouldn't have called ahead?
- No. He's gonna love it.
Cake and balloons.
Don't think that's overdoing it?
No. I think he's gonna be psyched
the order's done three days early.
I think he's gonna be flipping out
to see us out on his course.
I wouldn't be surprised
if he gives us a membership.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
Oh, my God. I want that.
Yeah!
Surprise. Ha, ha.
Sir, we finished your order
and it is ready to be shipped.
Excellent news.
We got you a little cake that says,
"Thanks for believing in us!"
- And some balloons of course.
- We're the "us."
Congratulations, boys.
What an accomplishment.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have
to cancel that order.
What'd he say?
- Sounded like he said "cancel the order."
- What?
- Cancel what?
- Cancel the order.
Don't need it.
- Wait, no. That doesn't work.
- You can't do that.
- We went 500 grand in the hole.
- We were in business.
- If you don't buy, we are ruined.
- It's a $500,000 order.
- The American dream and all that.
- He's gonna putt. He's just gonna putt.
- He makes the putt.
- Can you explain what's happening?
- And why you're doing this?
- Yeah, sure. Fair question.
You see, boys, in one week
your bridge loan comes due...
...and you won't be able to pay it.
And your loan officer has assured me
no extension will be granted.
At that moment,
your company will go into foreclosure...
...and I will buy all of those units
at auction for pennies on the dollar.
Cheaper than I could have gotten them
from the Chinese.
- Oh, my fucking God.
- I can't believe this.
Anyway, as an added bonus,
I will also own your patent...
...and these gentlemen here will take over
manufacturing of our new product:
The Shower Pal.
- It's a better name too.
- It is.
- Goddamn it.
- Fucking hell.
Oh, Dad, that is a hell of a fucking play.
We should fit these guys for crowns
because they just got fucked royally.
Rex. No call for this MTV showboating.
They're aware of their defeat.
In these moments,
it's more impactful to be still.
What about that stuff about hard work
and starting a company in America?
- The American dream and hard work.
- All bullshit?
You honestly think
hard work creates wealth?
The only thing that
creates wealth is wealth.
And we have it. You don't.
Okay. Okay. You know what?
- Take it easy. Take it easy.
- I got it. Hey.
Listen, bucko. You don't wanna
make enemies out of us, okay?
Whoa, easy. I didn't walk all up on you.
I make new enemies every day.
It's called business.
Thank you, gentlemen, for stopping by.
Have a lovely day.
Rex, get the cake.
Ow.
Rich motherfucking, overprivileged,
fucking assholes.
What happened to decency?
- I'm gonna lose my house.
- Yeah.
Stacy's gonna divorce me.
She's gonna marry some dude.
- I'll have supervised visits at McDonald's.
- Fucking McDonald's.
What were we thinking? Who bets
on themselves? Why did we do that?
- What?
- You're the one who talked me into it.
I was on the fence.
We're fucked! Our employees are fucked.
What about them? What about Lupe?
This is just a problem. That means
all we gotta do is come up with a solution.
We'll put some ideas up on the board.
That's what I'm talking about.
Here we go. Let's go.
- No idea's a bad idea.
- No idea's a bad idea.
- Who's gonna start us off?
- I got it.
- Kurt.
- Kill these motherfuckers.
- No, no.
- Murder! Yes.
- You don't need to write that down.
- Kill them.
- Let's fucking kill them! I want them dead!
- Kill them.
- We open up their brains and shove them...
- Then we fuck the skulls!
- I'm getting that taste, Nick.
- They're fucking dead!
- We're fucking doing it again!
- That's the Chicago way!
- Chicago way! Cut them open.
I want his family dead.
I want his house burned down,
and I'll get a baseball bat.
- Come on, man, come on.
- Fuck their skulls!
- Come on.
- Come on.
We'll fucking kill them.
If we've learned one thing about
ourselves, it's that we're not murderers.
- How does killing them get us our money?
- What do you mean?
You harvest their organs,
sell them on the black market.
Be fucking serious. Come on.
This is not helpful. Think seriously.
You're right. There's other
things people have done.
- There's plots.
- For money.
- The plot of the movie Speed.
- Yes, there you go. Put a bomb on a bus.
So we'll rig a bus so that when it goes
below 50 miles an hour, it blows up.
- What the fuck is that?
- You said no idea was a bad idea.
I was wrong. That idea sucks,
the movie sucks and so do you.
That movie introduced us to Sandy Bullock.
Fuck you! I love Sandra Bullock!
I'm running hot.
I'm sorry. I'm running hot.
The whole fucking thing's got me upset.
Give me the marker,
I'll get a better idea.
Want the marker?
Give me $500,000, that's what we need.
- Gonna hold the marker ransom?
- Call it what you want.
I need a half a million dollars.
I don't need shit ideas and a bunch of hot air.
Come on.
Dale.
- Boom. Marker drop.
- "Kidnaping."
- That's "kidnapping."
- With one more P it is. That's "kidnaping."
However the fuck you spell it. You know what
I'm talking about. Kidnapping. Come on.
Wait a second. That's a fucking great idea.
Think about it. First of all, we kidnap Rex.
- We get money from Bert.
- Ransom money.
We save the business.
No one has to die.
- Nobody gets hurt.
- He is the kid of Bert.
Right, but he's not super young.
- So it's not super douchey and shit.
- It's not all molesty and shit.
What do you know
about executing a kidnapping?
- What do you mean? You just...
- You get zip ties.
You don't know shit about kidnapping.
Okay, we don't know a ton.
But I bet we know someone that does.
- Who?
- Motherfucker Jones.
- Oh, Jesus.
- Wouldn't it be good to see him?
We're not gonna go see Motherfucker Jones
because we're not gonna "kidnape" anyone.
Come on, this guy's a
master business prick.
He's at the top of his game.
We need to figure out...
Boy, look what we got.
Is that a Sharpie?
- Hang on. What was a Sharpie doing there?
- You put it there.
I did put it on there.
- You're in charge of marker distribution.
- I know I'm the marker guy.
Permanently on the board now.
This illustrates my point, idiots.
We need to find somebody who's legitimate.
We need to find someone
who can get us our company back.
Hello, Nick...
...guy who saved my life...
...guy who fucked my wife.
It was a blow job. It was a blow job, only.
Didn't fuck her.
You got my e-mail?
I did. And I was very amused by it.
I know Bert Hanson. I
like the cut of his jib.
And I admire the way he bent you three idiots
over a barrel and showed you the 50 states.
- Ah. See? Told you it was a saying.
- Wow.
Now, Nick, just tell me something.
Why would you start production...
...without at least a guarantee
of 35 percent down...
...to cover manufacturing costs?
I mean, why would you do that?
- Is he telling a joke?
- Is something funny?
Uh, we assumed that we were dealing
with somebody who was ethical...
No, that's the wrong answer.
The right answer is because...
...you're all fucking morons.
Boy, he shined a light on that, didn't he?
That's true. You're absolutely right.
You thought I was such a bad boss.
But, I don't know, I think running
your own company into the ground...
...ruining the livelihood of your employees
is maybe a bit worse. What do you think?
- That's fair.
- Should I be on the phone if I'm taking notes?
- I'm not getting any of what he's saying.
- It's just a lot of rhetorical questions.
So, what do you want from me, Nick?
With all due respect,
you know what makes a guy like that tick.
So if you could give us some advice
on how to get our money back...
...I will play real nice at your next
parole hearing. How does that sound?
- You would do that for me?
- Yes, I would.
Okay. I think I can help you.
He's gonna help? Okay, I got a notepad.
I got a notepad.
From a legal standpoint...
"Legal standpoint."
...your options are...
- "Options are..."
- Legal options.
...jack fucking shit.
I heard "Jack Leibowitz."
Is that an attorney?
- I'll write that down.
- Can we get his contact info?
Even if you had the money
to fight him in the courts...
...his lawyers are just gonna file motions
and continuances...
...long after you three
pissant little fuckups...
...have blown your tiny little brains out.
You saying nothing can be done?
No, I said there's nothing you can do.
There's plenty that could be done,
but you won't do it.
- And do you wanna know why?
- No, not really.
- Because you have no balls.
- I see.
And your fathers had no balls.
You are all a product of generations
of ball-less men...
...who were too weak or too frightened
to stand up and take what was theirs.
And one day, you will pass on...
...your empty, shriveled sacs
to your own pitiful offspring.
- I can't hear. What is he talking about?
- Our nut sacs, mostly.
How'd that come up?
- Why don't you pitch him the kidnapping?
- Let the kidnapping go.
- Pitch him the kidnapping.
- Show some balls, all right?
Wanna see balls? Kidnap someone.
You'll end up in here. You'll see
plenty of balls on your forehead.
- Mm.
- Why are they on my forehead?
- Was the dick on top of my head?
- Makes no sense.
- Oh, I'm upside down.
- You sure are. Your face is getting fucked.
Motherfucker.
Mm-hm. So y'all plan to use the ransom
to save your business.
- Exactly, yeah. That's it.
- That's what we're hoping.
Will you tell these idiots
how stupid that is, please?
Ah. I like it.
- Nice. See?
- I knew he'd like it.
You're doing what you need to
to keep your business going.
I had a dream for a long time
to get my own business.
Yeah.
I wanted to open my own Pinkberry.
- Ha, ha.
- What the fuck is the chuckles about?
Oh, I thought you were joking.
See how many crackers line up to get
that Captain Crunch-covered freezing shit?
- I eat it three times a week. I love Pinkberry.
- Hey, that's awesome.
- You like Pinkberry?
- I'm lactose intolerant.
- Right.
- You got an African-American belly?
- Because black people suffer from lactose.
- Oh, okay, good, well...
- We got some kind of kinship.
- Yeah, cool, man.
- Stool soft?
- It can be.
- Bottom tender.
- Yeah, bottom's fine.
If somebody took my Pinkberry,
I wouldn't take that sitting down.
- You would fight.
- I will cut a motherfucker in half.
You wouldn't kidnap someone
because you can't successfully pull it off.
Name me a kidnapping movie...
...where the kidnappers weren't dead
or incarcerated at the end.
- 9 to 5, asshole.
- 9 to 5.
- Name me two movies, then.
- You said name one.
- I nailed one right on you.
- 9 to 5 was this movie...
I know what the fuck 9 to 5 is.
It's about the white bitch with the big titties.
- Yeah.
- She got old, the titties stayed young.
I'm not gonna kidnap someone
based on 9 to 5.
- That's because you Jane Fonda.
- You're the scaredy-cat one.
You're always the last to man up.
You're dragging your feet.
Why are you here
if you're not gonna participate?
First of all, if anyone,
I'm the smart one. I'm Lily Tomlin.
- But I won't have this conversation.
- Please, I'm Lily Tomlin, if anybody is.
Sitting in the big chair,
giving David O. Russell shit.
- Yeah, he's got the 'tude. You're Fonda, man.
- You're Jane Fonda.
- That makes you Dolly Parton.
- Great. Woman's got her own theme park.
- She's a national treasure.
- Two national treasures.
Can I pose a question to you colonizers?
Happened a long time ago.
How do you kidnap somebody
without them knowing...
...they've been kidnapped?
- Okay.
- You smarten up, and you don't even do it.
- He's a black sphinx. I like it.
- He threw a riddle our way.
- How do you...?
- Voodoo. Voodoo?
I can give you the answers.
- Fifty thousand.
- No.
- We can't.
- Six hundred?
You should not run a Pinkberry. Sorry.
- The weirdest negotiating style.
- We don't have money.
You know, we're here because
we have zero dollars. We're broke.
Fuck it. Give me the watch.
- Nope.
- Give him your watch.
- I'm not giving him this. This is a Tag Heuer.
- This is a wrist without a watch.
Come on. It's just material things.
Can't take it with you.
You can borrow it
while you tell us a shitty plan.
All right.
Slip him a mickey.
Give me the watch back.
You sneak into his crib at night.
Find out whatever his beverage of choice is
before he goes to bed.
You slip the mickey in the beverage.
Knock him out nice and easy.
And you keep that bitch sedated
until Daddy pays up.
It's not a crazy idea,
but it's not worth a Swiss watch.
- That could work.
- Hmm. That's great. That makes total sense.
- He doesn't see our faces.
- We're ghosts. We don't even exist.
- When you say "mickey... "?
- A date-rape drug. Where do you get those?
- Where do I get them?
- Uh... Yeah.
Because of the hue of my skin
I know where to get date-rape drugs?
- You brought up the date-raping.
- You got N word in your eyes.
- Why are your eyes saying the N word?
- Klan eyes.
- You've got Klan eyes.
- You ever take a eye test?
- Yes.
- All you pick out is the K.
- I see every letter.
- He does have Klan eyes.
You can see them poking out
behind that sheet.
- It's just ridic... I can't... It's so upsetting.
- Let me ask you a question.
When you got raped by Julia, what did she
use to knock you out? Laughing gas?
- Oh, right.
- That'll work.
- That's interesting.
- You have keys to the office?
- No, but I know the code.
- Yes.
Okay. You did it again.
- For the record, I am not racist.
- You're the best. Thanks.
- Let's go. See you.
- Good to see you.
Surprisingly helpful.
Any way I can get the watch back?
Fuck out of here, Jane Fonda.
That's a tough one.
And you can't fuck all three, right?
- You cannot.
- Not the game. Okay.
Well, then I would marry Peter,
kill Bobby, and fuck Greg.
- That's what I'd do too.
- Yeah?
- I think that's the only way to play it.
- It makes sense.
- How'd you do?
- I did great.
I got extra supplies.
I think we gotta be more careful this time.
- Absolutely. So smart.
- I got a magazine to cut up the ransom note.
- Can't be writing it by hand.
- Smart.
Bride Again Magazine?
To throw the cops off if they start snooping
to figure out where the letters came from.
- Dora the Explorer walkie-talkies?
- Awesome.
- It's not a spy store. It's a convenience store.
- Didn't wanna just use our phones?
Let's use our phones. They make a record
of everything that we say and do.
- Do you watch the news?
- My apologies.
Hey, Obama. I'm breaking
into my old office.
It's just the three of us doing this,
not us and the NSA.
- I'm trying to help us out.
- Heh.
- Did you get scissors?
- I got some scissors.
- I don't see any latex gloves in here.
- They're, like, super expensive.
- How much?
- Nine bucks a pair.
- That's ridiculous.
- Right?
- It's the only thing you went in there to buy.
- She's got a ton of gloves in her office.
We'll just use those.
You need them to get inside,
so we don't leave fingerprints.
That's right. You dummy.
Don't you know that?
Know what we can do?
We can use my golf gloves in my bag.
He's got gloves in his golf bag.
Don't poke holes in everything.
I'm trying to help out.
- Guys, the team's back together.
- Ha, ha! Whoo!
I call lookout.
And I will let you know if I see Swiper.
Nice. Let's go.
How we doing in there, guys?
I got it. I got it. I got it.
All good. How are things out there, Nick?
Things are good. Hey, can you not say
my name over the radio, please?
- Why not?
- Could be somebody on the frequency.
Oh, yeah. It's a good point. Very smart.
There you go.
That's using the old Hendricks brain.
And there's the last name.
- We should come up with code names.
- Absolutely.
- Nick, where you landing on code names?
- I'd love it if you'd stop saying my name.
- Just get the gas and get out here.
- Roger that.
The Blade has acquired the target.
- Was that "The Blade"?
Mm-hm. That's my code name, Nick.
We don't need code names.
Everybody knows who's talking.
They're sounding pretty cool,
so let's try to land on a couple.
I'm gonna think up one real quick
and lay it on you.
Uh, I'm coming in at you with The Majestic Lion.
I'm gonna be The Majestic Lion.
Now we're talking.
Not gonna call you that.
That's a bummer there.
I'm gonna need a reason as to why.
Because you're not a jungle cat,
and it's stupid as shit.
- Fair point.
- Good catch.
Uh, we should come up with one for him.
- How about St. Nick?
- You've said my name four fucking times.
If you could come back out to the car,
we can go home.
You know what?
What if I drop the "Lion"?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Somebody's here. Somebody's here.
- Just The Majestic?
I love that. I like that.
Shut up about the code names. A bunch of
people just pulled up into the parking lot.
Hello. Get your thumb off the butt...
Oh, my God.
Real hot chick just pulled
into Julia's parking spot.
I think Julia's headed into the building.
If you'd get your thumb
off the fucking button and...
Ah, fuck. Fucking idiots.
Well, you know what? It's not my fault.
It's not my goddamn fault.
I haven't done a thing illegal.
I can just drive out of here.
I can just drive right home.
No, I can't do that. I can't do that.
They'll just fucking tell on me.
All right, we're on our way to you.
Chickens have left the pot. My God, my God.
- The coop, I think.
- What?
The "my God, my God"
does sounds like a thing.
Oh, shit.
Why don't you set the food up over there?
And we'll circle these chairs around.
Dale?
Kurt.
God, grant us...
Oh, shit. It's a cult. It's a fucking cult.
...about our sex addiction
that we cannot change...
- Sex addiction.
- It's a sex addiction. Yeah.
Neat.
So proud of you, every one of you,
for being here today.
Shit.
How's it going?
Hi. It's going, uh...
Whew, you know.
I'm in trouble.
- Save it.
- Okay.
...Something that happened to them
this week.
Found this gentleman
loitering out in your hall.
Oh, shit. Nick got busted.
Says he knows he's in trouble.
- Yeah.
- We're all in trouble.
You don't have to be afraid.
You're safe here.
Okay.
Sorry I'm late. What's up, brother?
Toby, why don't you grab a chair and bring
it in so this young man can join us?
Yeah, um...
- Boy, uh...
- What's your name, honey?
I am, um...
I am Blanston.
- Hi, Blanston.
- Hi.
For a guy not into code names...
- Big swing.
- Bold choice.
- And I love it.
- Yeah.
- It's nice to have fresh blood in the group.
- Appreciate it.
- Fresh, cute blood.
- Hey.
Easy, Julia. Blanston, would you like to
share with us what's led you into recovery?
Ah. Well, okay. I do
have a very big problem.
Just been hitting it hard.
I've been hitting it hard.
He thinks he's in an AA meeting.
Getting together with the guys.
Oftentimes, ending up just face down.
Chugging one after the other.
Sometimes double-fisted, just:
Gah, gah, gah. You know?
You know what I'm talking about.
So your sexual addiction,
it's homosexual in nature?
My sex addiction? My sex
addiction is, um...
And then what did you say?
- You like to fuck guys.
- No. My sex addiction is to ladies.
- Oh.
- You know. I'm addicted to women.
Bo