Hope Springs (2012) - full transcript
Kay and Arnold are a middle-aged couple whose marriage has declined until they are now sleeping in separate rooms and barely interact in any meaningful loving way. Finally, Kay has had enough and finds a book by Dr. Feld which inspires her to sign them up for the Doctor's intense week long marriage counseling session. Although Arnold sees nothing wrong with their 30 year long marriage, he reluctantly agrees to go on the expensive excursion. What follows is an insightful experience as Dr. Feld manages to help the couple understand how they have emotionally drifted apart and what they can do to reignite their passion. Even with the Doctor's advice, Kay and Arnold find that renewing their marriage's fire is a daunting challenge for them both.
Come in!
What?
What are you doing?
I was just thinking that...
I could sleep in here tonight.
In here? Why?
Something wrong with your room?
Is it too warm? Because I had that
air conditioner completely...
No.
Well, then what?
I just wanted...
Well...
I don't...
I'm not feeling well...
I had pork for lunch and I...
I think it's probably best
if we just... If I...
That's okay.
- I mean, I...
- I'll just go back.
Thank you.
6:00?
I'm making prime rib for our...
- All right.
- Bye!
Bye.
Think you can change your marriage?
Change your marriage?
What do you mean?
Like you mostly eat in on Fridays
and then you eat out?
Or that you're at each other's throats
and suddenly you're Cinderella
and Prince Charming.
The second one.
No. No.
You married who you marry,
you are who you are.
Why would that change?
Well, if you wanted it to.
No, I think for that to happen,
it would have to be so bad
that somebody was willing to
risk everything just to shake things up
and then it may not come down your way.
No, change is hard. Marriages don't change.
Hey, what are you making tonight?
The kids still coming over?
Yeah. Prime rib.
Oh, they are so beautiful!
Arnold? Just what we needed.
- I picked them out.
- Show-off.
So what'd you guys get each other?
Yeah, 31 . What gift is that?
Silver? Ivory? Paper?
No, it isn't anything special.
Just an off year.
We got each other
the new cable subscription.
Oh, great.
It's a lot of channels.
First of all, so many of
you are dealing with,
"Should I open the club face,
or should I do this?"
You can learn to break like this.
All he's doing is he's taking the club back.
He doesn't have a lot of wrist hinge at all.
In fact, in the down-the-line view,
what his swing looks like is,
the head of the club
is outside of the hands here.
Very, very late wrist set.
He gets up into here, like this,
and then his body is moving forward
while the club is going backwards
and that's how you get this real...
Arnold.
Turn off the air down here?
- Night.
- Good night.
I can't tell you how many
questions I get
on what constitutes the perfect marriage.
I see couples
who think their marriages are over.
Who feel like it's impossible to regain
what they once had.
Well, It's not. It's not impossible.
And it's not too late
for anyone who truly wants it
and is willing to try.
Thank you.
What are you... You eating?
No. I, I...
What? You're just going to sit there?
Okay.
What do we got?
I want to go.
"Dr. Bernard Feld,
Center for Intensive Couples Counseling."
You want to go to
intensive couples counseling?
- In Maine.
- Maine.
Only half the day.
Rest of the day you can read,
or look around the town.
$4,000 for a week?
- Well, it's intensive.
- Have to be gold-plated.
Well, I paid for it.
How?
- I used my C.D.
- How'd you get access to your C.D.?
I called Vince.
You called my office without talking to me.
I made a reservation for us.
Well, cancel it.
I want to go.
Have you been to see Dr. Lesser?
Maybe this has something to do with
that hormonal thing.
I am not crazy, Arnold!
Well, then I don't know what to say to you.
- In all our years together, never have I...
- Have you heard me ask for anything?
Excuse me? Did we not just get
a new refrigerator because you wanted...
That's not what I mean.
Well, you're a grown woman.
You can go anywhere you want to go.
But I'm not going.
So if you want to go to intensive
couples counseling all by yourself,
I'll see you when you get back.
- Maybe I will.
- All right.
Maybe I will.
You're not going to get audited over $217.
Well, you're just not.
All right! Call Terri
to make an appointment.
Yes, and thank you. Bye.
You know, Kay called me.
I meant to tell you.
That's nothing.
She's just been acting kind of off, is all.
- Off? How?
- I don't know. Threatening me.
What does she want? Car?
Vacation, something?
No. Yeah, a vacation.
I'll tell you,
when Susan used to threaten me,
I did what we all want to do.
Head up to Brewsky's, not call,
come home late piss drunk,
a big "screw you."
You see how that worked out.
If I had to do it again,
I'd be on it with flowers, a card, dinner,
maybe even a necklace.
I'd be in there like the Orkin Man
and kill that thing dead.
Maybe then I wouldn't be in a condo.
The girl liked those best.
I told her how much you liked the ocean.
This is your boarding pass.
Oh, come on.
The flight leaves at 10:02 in the morning.
What is wrong with you?
What are you trying to do to us?
I want a real marriage again, Arnold.
A real marriage? This isn't real
after 31 years? This isn't real?
When's the last time that you touched me
that wasn't just for a picture?
When's the last time you kissed me?
I kiss you every day.
We're not 22 years old anymore,
things change.
I could be more... You know. I could...
This is insane.
The flight leaves at 10:02 tomorrow.
I'm going to be on it.
Your supper's on the table.
You're not even... You're not even gonna...
Aren't...
So if you're one of those people
that's looking for more distance,
well if you're doing this, guess what?
I don't like your chances.
Good morning.
- Morning, ma'am. Let me take this for you.
- Thank you.
- Where we going today?
- To the airport.
I hope you're happy.
How far is this place, anyway?
Only a couple of hours.
Couple of hours.
That's enough to put us in Canada.
I'm really glad you came, Arnold.
Yeah?
Well, you tell me that when we get lost
and wind up in downtown Montreal
and everybody's talking French.
There's a hotel. Is that it?
No.
We're at the Econo Lodge.
They were in the car, under the seat.
What time does this thing start
in the morning?
10:30.
We might as well be on time.
Get our money's worth.
I'll set the alarm.
I wouldn't give us too much extra time.
It's probably impossible to get lost
in a burg this size.
- Well...
- Well...
We, we could...
I guess I'll go see how the pull-out works.
Goddamn! How is this thing supposed to...
I'll do it.
You think there's a building in this place
that does not have shutters?
The whole town looks like
it was built by Hansel and Gretel.
I think it's charming.
That's what they want you to think.
You think he did it on purpose?
Picking the most remote possible...
I mean, you're trapped here.
It's like Alcatraz.
Maybe he just wanted people
to have to get away.
From what? Cell phone service?
I don't even have one bar.
Think you can get a decent plate of eggs
anywhere in this zip code?
Oh, there's a... That
little place looks sweet.
That place?
I guarantee you that place
does not serve breakfast for under $10.
You're a captive audience here.
- We're only here for a week.
- It's like an airport.
- We might as well try...
- A week? I'll be bankrupt in a week.
Let's go. Come on.
Coffee to start?
Yes. Please.
Is there anything on this menu
that doesn't have lobster in it?
See, there are your eggs.
And, look, they have a breakfast special.
What's special about $11 .75?
All right, I'm going to have
a side of two eggs,
sunny side up, and a side of bacon, crisp.
I'll just give you the special.
It comes with the...
Nope. The special's $1 more.
And for you?
Yes. I'm just going to have
the fruit and cottage cheese plate.
I have a nervous stomach.
And we're in a tiny bit
of a hurry because...
You got the 10:30 with Bernie.
We'll get you there on time.
Good luck.
There it is.
- Nice digs.
- Yeah.
If he says one word
about repressed memories, I am leaving.
Kay and Arnold, I'm so glad you're here.
Well, that makes one of us.
So, Arnold, I take it
intensive therapy was not your idea.
Nope!
You wanted to come?
Yes.
All right. And Arnold, you?
I thought she was nuts.
We're not in the same tax bracket
as your other patients.
I think you'd be surprised.
Well, even if we were, all due respect.
I really don't see the point here.
So, you think there's nothing wrong
with your marriage.
Well, we've been married
31 years, isn't it?
It's not perfect.
But in your opinion, it works well enough.
But you wanted to come.
You persuaded Arnold?
No. I mean, I paid for it.
With my own money, from savings.
All right. So this is
really important to you.
Tell me why.
I want to have a marriage again.
Again?
If we don't have a marriage,
I don't know who does.
Arnold. Let's let Kay talk
and you can respond after.
Okay. Fine. "Again."
- Arnold used to touch me.
- Oh, God.
Not just... You know,
but he would touch my arm
or my shoulder, just to...
Just to, I don't know,
because he wanted to.
And now he doesn't?
And that bothers you.
Do you touch him?
Not really. He doesn't like it.
Is she right, Arnold?
Do you like it when she touches you?
I don't know.
- You don't know?
- I don't think about it.
All right.
What else, Kay?
Well, it feels like we live in the house
together like two...
Like two workers
who bunk in the same room.
Except we don't...
We're not in the same room,
but it just feels like there's nothing
holding us together except the house.
Nothing holding us together
like 31 years of...
- Of what, Arnold?
- Marriage.
What does that word mean to you?
Means we have a marriage license
and I pay all the bills.
Not to mention our two grown...
You really have lost your mind.
Let's try to keep the conversation
descriptive and positive.
Kay, please continue.
We don't talk about anything.
Talk! What is there I don't know about you?
About Eileen and the skirts she bought
or if she took back the little necklace
with the tiki gods.
Jesus Christ.
No, I don't mean... I just mean, I don't...
I don't tell Arnold how
I feel about anything.
And I don't know
how he feels about anything either.
I'll tell you how I feel
about this, I hate it.
All right. This is good.
Good. Yeah. Good for you.
The more we tear each other apart,
the more money we have to pay you
to put it back together.
Jesus God.
You people are worse than lawyers.
I understand how you feel.
Yeah?
You two have come here to try to
restore intimacy to your marriage.
So that is going to be the goal
of our very focused sessions together.
To find ways to communicate
your needs to one another.
To cultivate intimacy.
And to develop the tools
to sustain that intimacy going forward.
The first step in rebuilding a marriage
is tearing away some of the scar tissue
that has built up over the years.
It can be very painful, but it's worth it.
I like to think of it...
The metaphor of when you have
a deviated septum and you can't breathe?
You have to break the
nose in order to fix it.
Charlatan!
No, he's worse than a charlatan.
He's like one of those...
Says he's "honed his method."
The only thing he's honed
is making sure that if you don't walk in
with a marriage-destroying problem,
you won't leave without one.
He's like those moisturizing eye drops
that make your eyes dry.
$4,000. That could have been a new roof!
Did you look at his credentials
or even read that brochure that you...
I mean, my God!
Unbelievable! I'd like to have a look
at this guy's tax returns.
Oh, don't. Come on, just don't.
You have to stop yelling at me.
I'm not yelling! Who's yelling?
Hey. Welcome back.
I'll have an Arnold Palmer and a tuna melt.
You sure you're ready to commit?
- I'll have the soup and salad, please.
- Okey-dokey.
$9 for a tuna melt, it's canned
tuna, a slab of cheese and toast.
Feld's probably getting kickbacks.
I saw a grocery store near the motel.
We can buy some cold cuts, eat in the room.
Are you guys here for Bernie?
We come back every year.
For a tune-up.
In case you're wondering,
we are never coming back.
I mean, if I had ever said so much
as even one unkind word...
Do you want the hard salami
or do you want this kind here?
- I don't care.
- I mean, my brother, Ralph,
if Angela had ever taken him
to one of these things...
You. I just hope you
remember this next year
when you want to tell me
that I never help and I never...
I'm getting the Limburger,
you don't have to eat it.
And I'll tell you one thing,
we're going to go to Florida and see
my mother next year for the full two weeks.
You have forfeited your right to complain.
Boy! I was thinking about you the whole...
- Get away from the door!
- I'm getting!
What happened to you?
I had to do that thing
and the handle came off.
Oh, me, too!
And it broke, and that kid, he played bad.
It was a course at the university.
Beginning Accounting.
And Arnold was the teaching assistant.
What was your first impression
of Kay, Arnold?
She was pretty. Very pretty.
- What else?
- She probably shouldn't major in accounting.
And Thanksgiving passed, no ring,
and my dad said,
"Well, you picked the wrong horse."
But two days later, I found it.
He had hidden it,
the ring, in a cinnamon bun.
I was so surprised.
What was holding you up, Arnold?
Well, it's not like buying a car.
And that winter, Arnold threw his back out.
I was helping Brad paint his room and...
He said he would be more comfortable
sleeping alone.
That hurt like a son of a bitch.
But then, his back got better.
It still bothers me a little bit.
But also I...
- He snores.
- I have that sleep apnea deal.
So he just stayed
in the guest room after that.
Yeah.
Did you ask him to come back?
No. I didn't think he'd...
No.
So it's been a long time
since you've slept in the same room.
When was the last time you had sex?
Yeah.
- I have no idea.
- Well, let's try to think about it.
It was four years ago, almost
five years ago. In September.
When Brad moved out after college.
September 22nd. I remember thinking,
"He's moving out on the first day of fall."
We get the picture, okay?
This makes you uncomfortable
talking about this, doesn't it?
Well, sue me because I don't want to talk
about having sex with my wife
with a total stranger.
You want to talk about it at all?
What else do you remember
about that day, Kay?
How'd you make love?
How?
Was it the missionary position?
Arnold on top?
Oh, yeah.
- Was it always missionary position?
- Oh, please.
Mostly, yes.
Were there particular things
that you enjoyed doing?
Mostly it was the same.
Was your sex life satisfying for you?
- Well, it was fine.
- Yeah. All right.
Okay.
I would like to assign
you your first exercise.
What... What kind of...
Tonight, I would like you to spend a period
of time with your arms around one another.
Well, what's the... Why?
Because I want you to remember
what it's like to touch each other.
Do you think you can do that?
- Arnold?
- Well, maybe that's what...
I mean, forced intimacy...
Is that really...
- It's not forced intimacy.
- That's what it sounds like.
- What? We're supposed to be truthful here.
- You are.
Although... So what I'm saying
is that I don't think this exercise,
or whatever you wanna call it,
sounds like something...
- It's not forced.
- If I do that
just because somebody tells me to,
what is the point?
I don't think I like the idea
of anybody telling me...
I mean, the whole idea of this
exercise thing is totally ridiculous to me.
I'm not a trained monkey!
- You're a bully!
- What?
Since you got here,
all you've done is make me feel...
- Kay? Kay.
- ...terrible.
I've had it.
Kay!
Kay. Kay.
Kay, come on. This is infantile.
I think you're infantile!
Look... Where are you going?
This is insane.
No, it's not!
Where are you going?
You can come in. We don't bite.
What can I get you?
Would you recommend
the red wine or the white?
Do you like red wine?
Yeah.
Then I'd go with the white.
And so, I was just hoping that,
maybe if...
Trying to get the old magic back?
Yeah.
Did you ever have it?
You want the audio tour? It's $4.95.
The thing is
we really don't have sex, mostly.
At all.
That's it?
All right. Who in here is not having sex?
Not me.
Mike, I know you're not getting any.
- This one's on us.
- Thank you.
- I'm back!
- I see that.
- I went to the museum.
- Did you?
- Was it interesting?
- Extremely.
Of course, if you want to go,
you'll have to do it on your own.
I'm getting ready for bed.
Where'd you go this afternoon?
Just around.
I thought you wanted to do that thing.
But if you don't want to do it,
I sure don't care.
All right, I'll just go to bed.
I want to do it.
I guess we should do it there.
Well, I guess I'll get in.
Maybe this is enough.
Yeah, probably enough.
I was just getting the light.
- And then we did the exercise...
- Yeah, that was...
- ...and we woke up.
- Yeah.
And we were in the same bed.
- Yeah, it was... Yep.
- It was comfortable.
This is good. Really good.
By taking some time to yourselves,
you were able to relate better as a couple.
And you both did it without even trying.
- Well, she wanted to spend time apart.
- Yeah. I was so mad.
Mad as a wet cat.
But, you know, it was nice, wasn't it?
To do something on your own, you know.
Great, you two. Really great.
I'm thrilled with the progress
that you've made.
And I think it's going to make it that
much easier to proceed to the next step.
Next step. That's great. Let's get with it.
I mean, we're doing so well, we might
be able to get out of here early.
Okay, next step. What is it?
Write a poem? Hold hands in public?
Sing a serenade?
Sex.
We're going to talk extensively
about your sexual history.
When it started.
What it included. What it didn't include.
If you had orgasms, vaginally or otherwise.
If you had issues
around sexuality or performance.
Whether you talked about sex or during it.
What your fantasies are.
If you ever acted on fantasies.
Brought toys or sex games into the bedroom.
Brought sex out of the bedroom.
And once we've explored all of those
things, I will give you your first sexual,
not sex, but sexual, exercise.
All right?
Let's get started.
Arnold, would you like to begin?
Do you...
I think we ought
to stop this right now before...
We should just get our things and go.
I'll go first. I will.
Fine.
Terrific.
All right.
Kay, let's talk about
what you liked sexually.
Was intercourse pleasurable for you?
Sometimes.
Did you have orgasms?
Sometimes.
- Do you masturbate?
- No.
Not anymore.
Why not?
Because at a certain point, I just...
I think I didn't want to think about sex
or about Arnold, even.
It just made me sad
thinking about what I missed and...
What about your fantasy life?
Do you have fantasies?
What?
My fantasy is that, you know,
we'll renew our vows.
Just a little small ceremony,
on a beach, maybe.
Right.
Maybe with the kids there.
Right. And do you have sexual fantasies?
Imagine scenarios?
Having sex on a mountain top
or dressed all in leather?
That's funny.
So, no.
I mainly think about Arnold
and things that we've done.
You never have fantasies
about things that you haven't done ever?
No.
Okay. Okay.
All right. Arnold, let's talk about you.
What do you enjoy sexually?
- Sex.
- I'm going to ask you to get more specific.
Okay, fine.
So you enjoy the actual sexual act?
Intercourse?
Yeah.
Missionary style.
Would you prefer that to, say, oral sex?
I guess so.
Was oral sex an option? Is that something
that you would do regularly?
No, I, I, I, I don't... No.
I was not very... I'm...
I was not comfortable with that.
Giving or receiving?
I don't know. Both, I guess.
Okay. So, now you, Arnold,
would have been open to that.
What does it matter?
She just said it was not an option.
What about problems in the bedroom?
Have you ever experienced
erectile dysfunction?
No.
- Use medications like Viagra?
- No.
As we age, sometimes, it becomes...
It works.
What would you say
was working in your sex life
when you were sexual together?
- For instance, would you climax?
- Yeah.
Were there things that you wanted to do,
but didn't?
You're kidding, right?
Well?
I mean, who says no to that?
Right. Then go ahead.
What, you want a whole list?
Sure.
I'm not really coming up with anything.
There are no wrong answers here.
Well...
If you could have anything you wanted in
your sex life with Kay, what would that be?
Did you have fantasies that you didn't feel
comfortable telling her about?
Of course.
Well, I guess I used to think
about Kay giving me a...
Giving me oral...
You know...
At work. Under the desk.
At tax time.
So, public places.
No, not just public places.
No? Okay. Good, good. Very good.
What else?
A threesome.
- With?
- The neighbor.
Helen?
No, Carol.
Carol?
Carol with the corgis?
Very good, Arnold. Both of you.
I am going to give you your next exercise.
You think we ought to be sitting for this?
Well,
maybe lying down.
You want to go first?
Do you want me to?
Six of one, half dozen of the other.
- Is that all right?
- Fine.
Does it feel good?
It feels like you're petting a dog.
- That tickles. Don't...
- Sorry. Okay.
- Don't go there.
- I'm sorry.
I really don't see the point of...
I mean, this Dr. Feld,
you think he has other legitimate doctors
here who agree with him,
or think he could be
just some sort of a renegade?
You, I mean, well, us,
your average person, you could be
being treated by someone who's psychotic.
Or maybe someone
who's just a very average,
or even below-average practitioner.
I think we better stop.
What?
- You sure?
- Yeah, I think I just...
I'm going to bed.
So, last night you had
the touching exercise.
How did that go?
How was that for you?
All right, let's talk about it. Arnold.
- How was it having Kay touch you?
- It was fine, I guess.
Did it feel good?
Did you get aroused?
- How did that make you feel?
- Aroused.
What about you, Kay?
How did that make you feel?
- I got aroused, too.
- Did you know that, Arnold?
How am I supposed to know
what she's thinking or feeling?
How was it for you, Kay,
when Arnold touched you?
We didn't get to that part.
- Why not? Why?
- Because we just stopped.
We did the exercise. It was done.
We did it.
The exercise was to spend a period of time
touching each other sensually.
It sounds like Kay touched you
and then you stopped.
Did you talk about it?
Whose idea was it to stop?
It was mine, okay. I just wanted to stop.
I wanted...
- All right. Okay.
- I didn't want to do it anymore.
All right. Well, let's go deeper, then.
Let's not go deeper.
It's not enough to just be here.
You have to try.
I'm not trying? I flew 1,500 miles up here
for this and I'm not trying?
All right. Well, then,
let's just try to figure this out.
- Why did you want Kay to stop?
- I wanted her to stop because...
- Were you afraid?
- No! What do I have to be afraid of?
- Fear... Hey, re-engaging can be...
- I'm not afraid of my own wife.
Fine. Well, that's okay.
It's okay. It's normal to feel fear.
I did not feel fear!
Then why did you stop Kay
from touching you?
Let me tell you something.
I am done with this for today.
I am done. I'll see you back at the room.
Kay?
What are you doing?
Dr. Feld said he'd give us a refund.
What percent?
What?
Did he say he'd give us back
the whole payment, or...
- Half.
- Half.
I don't know what you thought
was going to happen here.
What did you...
I mean, there's no magic pill or wand or...
He's just a guy with an office.
It's ridiculous.
You come up here, you spend one week
and you're supposed to, what,
have a new marriage?
It's a setup. You're set up for failure.
Then you feel bad about failing.
You see that, right?
You can't win.
Why the hell did you bring us here?
You know how you think
you're always headed towards something?
You think, "When we get married,"
or, "When we have kids,"
or, "When the kids go
and it's just us again..."
You know, there's always something
to look forward to.
And one day, I realized that
we are not going towards anything anymore.
And I guess I was just not willing
to let go of things getting better anymore.
Not yet.
Maybe you just don't get a choice,
you know?
Maybe you just don't get a choice.
Don't forget your razor in the bathroom.
You're back.
- Let's talk about that.
- Let's not.
Let's just... I'm back, all right?
That ought to be enough.
It isn't, actually.
What do you want from me, blood?
You have a lot of anger, Arnold.
What do you think you're so angry about?
I'm angry about everything.
I'm angry about being here.
Why? What are you afraid will happen?
You want to know what? Fine.
What I'm afraid will happen here
is what probably happens
in every goddamn therapist's office
every time any poor couple goes in there.
You say whatever thing,
because somebody like you
is dragging it out of them
and then you can't take it back.
There are things in this life
that you don't say for a reason.
Like what? What would you say?
Tell me.
I want to know. I want to know.
It's worse not knowing when there
are things that you're holding back
you won't say because you think
I'm too fragile or whatever.
- No, it's not that. It's...
- Something I can't hear.
All right, fine! All right.
- She has a way...
- Say it to Kay.
You have a way of saying
that something's up to me
and then when I make a decision
and it's something you don't like,
you don't actually say anything,
but you sure do get your point across.
Well, can I just say, I don't like...
Is it my turn?
I don't like the way that we always do
something for Christmas, or an anniversary,
that's a joint gift for the house,
like a water heater.
- You needed that water heater.
- Yes, but you did, too. You shower.
Why is that a special gift for me?
And I hate watching golf. I do.
I think it's boring.
And the shows where they talk about golf,
even worse.
It's like being married to ESPN.
And when you eat ranch chips,
your breath smells.
I like ranch chips.
And I hate it when you rub up against me,
like you just expect me to do it.
"Come on, let's go."
Hell, it got to the point
I was afraid to make any kind of move.
If I even so much as tried to kiss you...
Well, you never kiss me.
You don't want to kiss
me, you just want "it."
Not me.
You know, he always has his eyes
squeezed tight shut.
It's not me. You just want "it."
Hell, yes, I want "it."
You can bet your life I want "it."
So screw me
for wanting to have sex with my wife!
And, you know, it's not pleasant
to do that with somebody
who doesn't want to do it.
But you never saw me...
What?
Go on, Arnold.
I didn't complain
because Kay didn't want sex.
Love. That's what I wanted. Not just sex.
I wanted you.
Well, what about all those years
I wanted you?
All those goddamn years.
And I didn't cheat.
I didn't go to hookers.
I watched a little porn, but who doesn't?
I was good. I did the right thing.
Now you're bringing me here for...
You're the one who stopped, not me.
Yeah, for a while I stopped, yes,
but you stopped, too.
You did. You stopped.
Well, you don't just turn it on and off,
you know?
Maybe when it's off, it's just off.
Off.
I want you to do something for me.
I want you to tell me
about the best sex you ever had.
The time that you can remember
that was the best. Either of you.
Even if it wasn't very good.
Even if it was terrible.
Best time that you remember.
Well...
I remember one time.
Kay was pregnant.
- Where were you?
- In the kitchen.
She was making soup.
And I came in there and she kept saying
she had to stir her soup.
And pretty soon, she
forgot about that soup.
What do you remember, Kay?
Well, we were on the floor, and...
And it was slow.
He... He put some dish towels
behind my head
so my head wouldn't bang on...
Wouldn't bump up against
the bottom of the cabinet.
That was...
Arnold, what else
do you remember about that?
Just wanting her.
Standing there in the kitchen.
Happy.
Beautiful.
She had a little apron which was
getting to be too little because her
belly was getting so big.
You were very attracted to her then.
Yeah, I was, and...
Are you still?
I don't... I don't know.
It's been a long time since we've...
- I don't look like I did then.
- No, it's not that.
No. I never could lose all the weight.
You look fine. I just don't think
of it in that way anymore.
About her that way anymore.
Well, of course, I...
No, it's not "of course."
Sometimes when a connection is lost,
we forget how to want one another.
Do you still want Kay?
Well, yes!
Do you still fantasize about her?
You mean, now?
These days.
I don't know.
I don't... I...
I had one.
I had a fantasy.
Was it...
- It was...
- It was... It was...
Like you said. It was just us,
and it was really different.
Something we've never done before.
Something new.
I'm going to ask you
to take a leap of faith and try something.
It is most likely
way out of your comfort zone.
Try to think of it in terms of...
Remember the metaphor of a nose breaking?
It's the nose.
Well, you can't break a
nose slowly, can you?
Of course there was a problem
with the popcorn popper.
Thank you.
I don't see why you can't tell me
what you're planning on.
Because he said it was fine this way.
It just makes me uncomfortable not to know
what I'm going to be asked to do.
When it's your turn,
you can do what you want.
What if we don't do the exercise again?
We're moving at a rapid clip here. Okay.
It's your ball game.
I'll tell you one thing.
You would never get me into a French movie
if we were at home.
This is pretty good.
Sorry.
I'm sorry, I can't see!
You just need to take it easy.
Watch it with the teeth!
- I'm sorry. Sorry, I didn't mean...
- It's all right.
I can't see.
Oh, God.
Hey, you can hurt someone!
I'm so sorry! I can't do this.
Kay. Kay. Kay.
- Kay, it's okay.
- It's not okay!
It's not okay.
Kay, listen.
- Kay, this is not a big deal.
- I should...
I should...
I'm not good at anything.
- There's not anything to be good at!
- I don't know how to be good at anything.
- Listen, wait.
- I'm not sexy!
Wait. Yes, you are very...
- What?
- What? Yes, what?
Maybe you just don't have...
Maybe there's just certain things
you're not experienced at.
Kay!
I must have looked so stupid!
But how did you feel?
Like a fake.
I'm just not... I'm...
I just can't do that.
Well, the whole situation
was just dangerous,
with those cup holders,
and seat backs going forth,
and back and forth and the cramped space,
the concrete floor, those
people everywhere.
That's not me.
I just can't be a person who commits
an illegal act in a movie theater.
It's just... Is that
really who I have to be?
It's not about being a sex object.
It's about pleasing the man you love.
And letting him please you.
Well, I don't even know how to do that!
Ultimately, I think you
have to ask yourself,
"Is this person worth more to me
than my pride?"
Oh, yeah. I mean...
Yes.
Kay's putting it all on the line here.
What are you putting on the line?
Everything.
He is everything.
But I'm really lonely.
And I think
to be with somebody
and not really with him is...
I think I might be less
lonely if I were alone.
- Do you want to be alone?
- No!
I don't know.
You wouldn't think it would be so hard
to just touch somebody that you love.
But it is. It's really hard.
Okay. You know what?
I'm going to give you something
that may help with your anxiety.
You can pick this up in town.
- Hey.
- Hi. Hello.
We got a discount on trade paperbacks
in the front, if you're interested.
- Are you looking for anything special?
- Not really.
All right, just let me know.
Do you have a title, miss?
No, not... I'm just...
I was gonna say if you got a title,
I can look it up.
We're short on shelf space up here,
so we have a lot of stuff in the back.
Actually, I'm looking for.
Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man.
Oh, yeah.
Dr. Feld has us keep those in stock.
Okay.
Can I give you cash?
Yeah, that works.
Couples come to me for two reasons.
To help them save their marriage, or...
Or what?
Or to help them end it.
When one person is this unhappy,
the marriage has to restore
some sort of equilibrium, or...
Or what? Are you trying to
tell me my marriage is over?
Because I'm not gonna pay you
for one more session
just because you threaten me,
you smug little prick!
Arnold, your wife is very unhappy.
And I'm not saying that she'll ever leave.
I just don't want you to have anything
to regret should she...
I'm simply saying the moment is here
and you have to ask yourself,
"Have I done all I could?"
Have you, Arnold?
Is this the best that you can do?
I'm sorry, there's...
Listen, I can...
Maybe a little tip would help, you know.
- You want to buy a table?
- I need it.
So whatever...
Look, I need this.
Look, I'm really sorry about
whatever is going on in your marriage,
but I don't think
the dinner was going to save it.
I need a table.
I need it, and I'm not going to
leave from right here until I get it.
We're going to need more space here,
so I want you to push it further
against the wall. All right?
All right.
Hello. Captain Jack's.
I'm sorry to hear that, Mr. Fletcher.
What time was that for?
All right.
Well, thanks for calling.
I do hope you come and visit us sometime.
Thank you very much. Bye.
All right.
That goes away.
Well?
Got a waiting list. Got to call them.
You got a waiting list? You will
give me that table, so help me God!
Are you ready?
I'm almost ready.
You really ready?
'Cause I don't want to be late.
Yes, I'm really ready.
- Very pretty.
- Thank you.
- You look really nice, too.
- Yeah, I do.
You handsome devil.
Oh, Arnold. It's gorgeous!
I just can't get over it!
You like it?
This is just exactly...
A little different than the Econo Lodge?
Completely different.
That place reminds me of when
we drove down to see your mother,
before we were married.
And we stayed at that little place...
You know,
it was the only place that was open.
It was a truck stop.
In Albuquerque?
Oh, I remember that. It had orange walls.
Yeah.
That was the first time you said it.
First time you said you loved me.
In that little motel.
You know, before you said it...
Well, I didn't want to
be the one who said it first,
but I just... I had to say it!
So every time we talked on the phone
I would say it to the
phone after we hung up!
Really?
Yes, I really did that.
I figured if I ever said anything
like that, you'd take off running.
What?
You could have had your pick.
I didn't think you'd ever want me.
I never wanted anything more.
What I don't get is
how he remembers to talk like that.
"Consider the metaphor of the nose."
I know. It must be so hard for him.
- I wonder if he talks to his wife like that.
- That would be...
"Mildred, I find it very interesting
that you are naked."
Can I bring you anything else?
- Do you...
- No, I'm fine.
Okay. No, just the check.
- Unless you want to.
- No, check, please.
Might get chilly on the way back.
It's been getting cold at night.
Well, the thing is, I've...
I don't know how you'll take this,
but I got us a room.
Here.
You did?
The front desk has toothbrushes.
I asked them.
I thought maybe just for
a night, it'd be...
You might want to...
So,
after this, we can just...
Like it?
Gosh!
Oh, my gosh.
Look at this.
Look at this!
Here's some strawberries.
You had to get them,
so here they are.
Anyway, you want some?
Strawberries.
I'm kind of full.
Yeah, me, too. And they knew that.
It's a rip off, really. You spend 15...
That's okay. You know, I think
I would like to have some.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Okay.
- Do you want to eat them at the table?
- Okay.
- Or we could eat them in front of the fire.
- Okay.
Okay.
Sweet.
Is it good?
It's good. It's fresh.
Good.
- Chocolaty.
- Good.
- You want some?
- There's champagne, if you want.
- Yeah. I know...
- I'm sorry. Go ahead.
No, you go.
There's champagne.
- You want some?
- I think I would like that, Arnold.
I guess you have something in mind there.
I do.
- Hold that thought.
- What?
- Hold that thought.
- Okay.
Come here.
I want... I want...
You want to...
- All right. You want to... You want to...
- Yeah.
Look at me.
- You lied.
- No.
When Dr. Feld asked you
if you were still attracted to me.
It was when you looked at me.
Just now.
You looked in my face.
That had nothing to do with it.
That's when you stopped.
Setbacks are a natural part of the process.
They never feel good, though.
I know you feel like you've failed,
but look where you failed.
You fumbled on the one-yard line.
When you got here,
you weren't even on the playing field.
You were somewhere in the parking lot.
So I think you're ready to follow up
with a therapist at home.
I can recommend somebody really good.
I have patients
who never should have gotten married.
And you are not those people.
Even great marriages have terrible years.
So bad that you're tempted to just give up.
But don't.
Hold on.
There will come a time
when you'll look back at this moment
as the prelude to something fuller
and richer than you've ever dreamed.
- Soames!
- Yo.
- Hey, how was that vacation?
- Good!
- Yeah. Where was it, Vermont?
- Maine.
Maine. That's right.
You said Kay likes the ocean.
So, how was it? You going to go back?
Probably not. It's a little overpriced.
Yeah. I hear you, but, hey,
if it keeps the missus happy another year,
- I'd say it's well worth the money spent!
- Yeah.
Jon Ross came in today.
You'd think it was
the first time he'd ever heard that
October 15th was the deadline
for an extension.
The guy never filed on time in his life!
And we have
the same conversation every year.
Every goddamn year.
For 17 years.
Can you imagine that?
Hi, again, everybody. School of Golf
is back in session for another week.
This week, it is Chapter 24,
"it's All About the Putting Stroke."
I'm Kraig Kann.
This is the professor, Martin Hall.
Putting. We're rolling it tonight.
Well, yes. We all want
to hit it fewer times...
So you guys had fun?
Kind of hard to get back
into the old routine.
What is it?
- You look like you could cry.
- No!
Do you still need somebody to take care of
that cat when you go away?
Oh, we already got the girl next door.
But I don't trust her. She's not bright.
Well, I could do it.
Really?
Oh, gosh, are you sure? Because I think
I might have a spare key with me.
And maybe I could stay over.
A night, or two nights.
Well, sure. You do that.
I saw The Caine Mutiny is on later.
- You want to watch it?
- I don't think so.
I'm just going to go up to bed.
- Kay.
- I'm just a little tired.
Is it really all that bad?
It's just expectations.
Like one of those makeovers, you know?
You look different for a minute
and then go back to yourself, right?
Right?
I don't know if I can.
What?
I don't know if I can go back.
You sure this is a gallon can?
Yes, sir, it's a lard can.
Just took it from the pantry, sir.
I suppose you're wondering
why I called this meeting.
As you all know by now, we had
an excellent dessert for dinner tonight,
ice cream and frozen strawberries.
An hour ago, I sent Whittaker to the pantry
to bring me another portion.
Kay.
You are beautiful.
You... You...
I'm late.
Okay.
- Well, have a nice day.
- Okay.
- Chicken tonight.
- Good.
- With potatoes and maybe some spinach.
- Good. No spinach.
- Okay. 6:00?
- 5:30.
What's the matter?
What'd you forget?
Have a nice day.
Arnold!
Arnie!
Hi!
Carol!
You got another corgi!
I know. This is Emma.
But three's the limit. I'm done.
How was y'all's trip?
Our trip was... Our trip was really...
You should come over tonight
and we'll tell you all about it.
That'd be great. I'd love to.
Yeah.
All right. I'll see you guys later.
Okay.
That's not going to happen.
Kay. Arnold.
We are all here today to witness
the renewals of your vows of matrimony.
We are thrilled,
and I especially am very thrilled,
to be here
and to be a part of this very special day.
Arnold, after 32 years of marriage,
I can honestly say
that I love you more than I ever did.
The day I met you changed my life.
It made my life.
And now I can't imagine
living my life without you.
It wouldn't be any kind of life at all.
When I think about spending
the rest of my life with you,
I only regret it won't be long enough.
So I want to now
make this next chapter
of our lives together
something that we'll both cherish.
I vow to watch more golf with you
without complaining.
I vow to watch less golf,
and to buy you good presents
that aren't for the house.
- Maybe like jewelry.
- Like jewelry.
Jewelry. Yes.
I vow not to cut my hair any shorter than
it is, 'cause I know you like it long.
Longer.
I vow not to complain so much.
If I can help it,
because sometimes there's something
that really needs to be complained about.
And I vow to go to one
of those sleep studies.
Like you've been asking me to go to.
And I vow to take you somewhere once a year
that's more than 200 miles away from home
and isn't to see a family member.
Now, on this wonderful day,
I give you the rest of my life
and I thank God every
day that you're in it.
And I vow to tell you how I feel,
not just when you ask me.
And I'll tell you how I feel about this.
I love it. I love you.
We will have the ceremonial
breaking of the nose.
See? That wasn't so hard.
Thank you.
Yes, a big boy.
Congratulations.
- I'm so glad to meet you!
- Finally!
Brad, Brad, Brad!
What?
What are you doing?
I was just thinking that...
I could sleep in here tonight.
In here? Why?
Something wrong with your room?
Is it too warm? Because I had that
air conditioner completely...
No.
Well, then what?
I just wanted...
Well...
I don't...
I'm not feeling well...
I had pork for lunch and I...
I think it's probably best
if we just... If I...
That's okay.
- I mean, I...
- I'll just go back.
Thank you.
6:00?
I'm making prime rib for our...
- All right.
- Bye!
Bye.
Think you can change your marriage?
Change your marriage?
What do you mean?
Like you mostly eat in on Fridays
and then you eat out?
Or that you're at each other's throats
and suddenly you're Cinderella
and Prince Charming.
The second one.
No. No.
You married who you marry,
you are who you are.
Why would that change?
Well, if you wanted it to.
No, I think for that to happen,
it would have to be so bad
that somebody was willing to
risk everything just to shake things up
and then it may not come down your way.
No, change is hard. Marriages don't change.
Hey, what are you making tonight?
The kids still coming over?
Yeah. Prime rib.
Oh, they are so beautiful!
Arnold? Just what we needed.
- I picked them out.
- Show-off.
So what'd you guys get each other?
Yeah, 31 . What gift is that?
Silver? Ivory? Paper?
No, it isn't anything special.
Just an off year.
We got each other
the new cable subscription.
Oh, great.
It's a lot of channels.
First of all, so many of
you are dealing with,
"Should I open the club face,
or should I do this?"
You can learn to break like this.
All he's doing is he's taking the club back.
He doesn't have a lot of wrist hinge at all.
In fact, in the down-the-line view,
what his swing looks like is,
the head of the club
is outside of the hands here.
Very, very late wrist set.
He gets up into here, like this,
and then his body is moving forward
while the club is going backwards
and that's how you get this real...
Arnold.
Turn off the air down here?
- Night.
- Good night.
I can't tell you how many
questions I get
on what constitutes the perfect marriage.
I see couples
who think their marriages are over.
Who feel like it's impossible to regain
what they once had.
Well, It's not. It's not impossible.
And it's not too late
for anyone who truly wants it
and is willing to try.
Thank you.
What are you... You eating?
No. I, I...
What? You're just going to sit there?
Okay.
What do we got?
I want to go.
"Dr. Bernard Feld,
Center for Intensive Couples Counseling."
You want to go to
intensive couples counseling?
- In Maine.
- Maine.
Only half the day.
Rest of the day you can read,
or look around the town.
$4,000 for a week?
- Well, it's intensive.
- Have to be gold-plated.
Well, I paid for it.
How?
- I used my C.D.
- How'd you get access to your C.D.?
I called Vince.
You called my office without talking to me.
I made a reservation for us.
Well, cancel it.
I want to go.
Have you been to see Dr. Lesser?
Maybe this has something to do with
that hormonal thing.
I am not crazy, Arnold!
Well, then I don't know what to say to you.
- In all our years together, never have I...
- Have you heard me ask for anything?
Excuse me? Did we not just get
a new refrigerator because you wanted...
That's not what I mean.
Well, you're a grown woman.
You can go anywhere you want to go.
But I'm not going.
So if you want to go to intensive
couples counseling all by yourself,
I'll see you when you get back.
- Maybe I will.
- All right.
Maybe I will.
You're not going to get audited over $217.
Well, you're just not.
All right! Call Terri
to make an appointment.
Yes, and thank you. Bye.
You know, Kay called me.
I meant to tell you.
That's nothing.
She's just been acting kind of off, is all.
- Off? How?
- I don't know. Threatening me.
What does she want? Car?
Vacation, something?
No. Yeah, a vacation.
I'll tell you,
when Susan used to threaten me,
I did what we all want to do.
Head up to Brewsky's, not call,
come home late piss drunk,
a big "screw you."
You see how that worked out.
If I had to do it again,
I'd be on it with flowers, a card, dinner,
maybe even a necklace.
I'd be in there like the Orkin Man
and kill that thing dead.
Maybe then I wouldn't be in a condo.
The girl liked those best.
I told her how much you liked the ocean.
This is your boarding pass.
Oh, come on.
The flight leaves at 10:02 in the morning.
What is wrong with you?
What are you trying to do to us?
I want a real marriage again, Arnold.
A real marriage? This isn't real
after 31 years? This isn't real?
When's the last time that you touched me
that wasn't just for a picture?
When's the last time you kissed me?
I kiss you every day.
We're not 22 years old anymore,
things change.
I could be more... You know. I could...
This is insane.
The flight leaves at 10:02 tomorrow.
I'm going to be on it.
Your supper's on the table.
You're not even... You're not even gonna...
Aren't...
So if you're one of those people
that's looking for more distance,
well if you're doing this, guess what?
I don't like your chances.
Good morning.
- Morning, ma'am. Let me take this for you.
- Thank you.
- Where we going today?
- To the airport.
I hope you're happy.
How far is this place, anyway?
Only a couple of hours.
Couple of hours.
That's enough to put us in Canada.
I'm really glad you came, Arnold.
Yeah?
Well, you tell me that when we get lost
and wind up in downtown Montreal
and everybody's talking French.
There's a hotel. Is that it?
No.
We're at the Econo Lodge.
They were in the car, under the seat.
What time does this thing start
in the morning?
10:30.
We might as well be on time.
Get our money's worth.
I'll set the alarm.
I wouldn't give us too much extra time.
It's probably impossible to get lost
in a burg this size.
- Well...
- Well...
We, we could...
I guess I'll go see how the pull-out works.
Goddamn! How is this thing supposed to...
I'll do it.
You think there's a building in this place
that does not have shutters?
The whole town looks like
it was built by Hansel and Gretel.
I think it's charming.
That's what they want you to think.
You think he did it on purpose?
Picking the most remote possible...
I mean, you're trapped here.
It's like Alcatraz.
Maybe he just wanted people
to have to get away.
From what? Cell phone service?
I don't even have one bar.
Think you can get a decent plate of eggs
anywhere in this zip code?
Oh, there's a... That
little place looks sweet.
That place?
I guarantee you that place
does not serve breakfast for under $10.
You're a captive audience here.
- We're only here for a week.
- It's like an airport.
- We might as well try...
- A week? I'll be bankrupt in a week.
Let's go. Come on.
Coffee to start?
Yes. Please.
Is there anything on this menu
that doesn't have lobster in it?
See, there are your eggs.
And, look, they have a breakfast special.
What's special about $11 .75?
All right, I'm going to have
a side of two eggs,
sunny side up, and a side of bacon, crisp.
I'll just give you the special.
It comes with the...
Nope. The special's $1 more.
And for you?
Yes. I'm just going to have
the fruit and cottage cheese plate.
I have a nervous stomach.
And we're in a tiny bit
of a hurry because...
You got the 10:30 with Bernie.
We'll get you there on time.
Good luck.
There it is.
- Nice digs.
- Yeah.
If he says one word
about repressed memories, I am leaving.
Kay and Arnold, I'm so glad you're here.
Well, that makes one of us.
So, Arnold, I take it
intensive therapy was not your idea.
Nope!
You wanted to come?
Yes.
All right. And Arnold, you?
I thought she was nuts.
We're not in the same tax bracket
as your other patients.
I think you'd be surprised.
Well, even if we were, all due respect.
I really don't see the point here.
So, you think there's nothing wrong
with your marriage.
Well, we've been married
31 years, isn't it?
It's not perfect.
But in your opinion, it works well enough.
But you wanted to come.
You persuaded Arnold?
No. I mean, I paid for it.
With my own money, from savings.
All right. So this is
really important to you.
Tell me why.
I want to have a marriage again.
Again?
If we don't have a marriage,
I don't know who does.
Arnold. Let's let Kay talk
and you can respond after.
Okay. Fine. "Again."
- Arnold used to touch me.
- Oh, God.
Not just... You know,
but he would touch my arm
or my shoulder, just to...
Just to, I don't know,
because he wanted to.
And now he doesn't?
And that bothers you.
Do you touch him?
Not really. He doesn't like it.
Is she right, Arnold?
Do you like it when she touches you?
I don't know.
- You don't know?
- I don't think about it.
All right.
What else, Kay?
Well, it feels like we live in the house
together like two...
Like two workers
who bunk in the same room.
Except we don't...
We're not in the same room,
but it just feels like there's nothing
holding us together except the house.
Nothing holding us together
like 31 years of...
- Of what, Arnold?
- Marriage.
What does that word mean to you?
Means we have a marriage license
and I pay all the bills.
Not to mention our two grown...
You really have lost your mind.
Let's try to keep the conversation
descriptive and positive.
Kay, please continue.
We don't talk about anything.
Talk! What is there I don't know about you?
About Eileen and the skirts she bought
or if she took back the little necklace
with the tiki gods.
Jesus Christ.
No, I don't mean... I just mean, I don't...
I don't tell Arnold how
I feel about anything.
And I don't know
how he feels about anything either.
I'll tell you how I feel
about this, I hate it.
All right. This is good.
Good. Yeah. Good for you.
The more we tear each other apart,
the more money we have to pay you
to put it back together.
Jesus God.
You people are worse than lawyers.
I understand how you feel.
Yeah?
You two have come here to try to
restore intimacy to your marriage.
So that is going to be the goal
of our very focused sessions together.
To find ways to communicate
your needs to one another.
To cultivate intimacy.
And to develop the tools
to sustain that intimacy going forward.
The first step in rebuilding a marriage
is tearing away some of the scar tissue
that has built up over the years.
It can be very painful, but it's worth it.
I like to think of it...
The metaphor of when you have
a deviated septum and you can't breathe?
You have to break the
nose in order to fix it.
Charlatan!
No, he's worse than a charlatan.
He's like one of those...
Says he's "honed his method."
The only thing he's honed
is making sure that if you don't walk in
with a marriage-destroying problem,
you won't leave without one.
He's like those moisturizing eye drops
that make your eyes dry.
$4,000. That could have been a new roof!
Did you look at his credentials
or even read that brochure that you...
I mean, my God!
Unbelievable! I'd like to have a look
at this guy's tax returns.
Oh, don't. Come on, just don't.
You have to stop yelling at me.
I'm not yelling! Who's yelling?
Hey. Welcome back.
I'll have an Arnold Palmer and a tuna melt.
You sure you're ready to commit?
- I'll have the soup and salad, please.
- Okey-dokey.
$9 for a tuna melt, it's canned
tuna, a slab of cheese and toast.
Feld's probably getting kickbacks.
I saw a grocery store near the motel.
We can buy some cold cuts, eat in the room.
Are you guys here for Bernie?
We come back every year.
For a tune-up.
In case you're wondering,
we are never coming back.
I mean, if I had ever said so much
as even one unkind word...
Do you want the hard salami
or do you want this kind here?
- I don't care.
- I mean, my brother, Ralph,
if Angela had ever taken him
to one of these things...
You. I just hope you
remember this next year
when you want to tell me
that I never help and I never...
I'm getting the Limburger,
you don't have to eat it.
And I'll tell you one thing,
we're going to go to Florida and see
my mother next year for the full two weeks.
You have forfeited your right to complain.
Boy! I was thinking about you the whole...
- Get away from the door!
- I'm getting!
What happened to you?
I had to do that thing
and the handle came off.
Oh, me, too!
And it broke, and that kid, he played bad.
It was a course at the university.
Beginning Accounting.
And Arnold was the teaching assistant.
What was your first impression
of Kay, Arnold?
She was pretty. Very pretty.
- What else?
- She probably shouldn't major in accounting.
And Thanksgiving passed, no ring,
and my dad said,
"Well, you picked the wrong horse."
But two days later, I found it.
He had hidden it,
the ring, in a cinnamon bun.
I was so surprised.
What was holding you up, Arnold?
Well, it's not like buying a car.
And that winter, Arnold threw his back out.
I was helping Brad paint his room and...
He said he would be more comfortable
sleeping alone.
That hurt like a son of a bitch.
But then, his back got better.
It still bothers me a little bit.
But also I...
- He snores.
- I have that sleep apnea deal.
So he just stayed
in the guest room after that.
Yeah.
Did you ask him to come back?
No. I didn't think he'd...
No.
So it's been a long time
since you've slept in the same room.
When was the last time you had sex?
Yeah.
- I have no idea.
- Well, let's try to think about it.
It was four years ago, almost
five years ago. In September.
When Brad moved out after college.
September 22nd. I remember thinking,
"He's moving out on the first day of fall."
We get the picture, okay?
This makes you uncomfortable
talking about this, doesn't it?
Well, sue me because I don't want to talk
about having sex with my wife
with a total stranger.
You want to talk about it at all?
What else do you remember
about that day, Kay?
How'd you make love?
How?
Was it the missionary position?
Arnold on top?
Oh, yeah.
- Was it always missionary position?
- Oh, please.
Mostly, yes.
Were there particular things
that you enjoyed doing?
Mostly it was the same.
Was your sex life satisfying for you?
- Well, it was fine.
- Yeah. All right.
Okay.
I would like to assign
you your first exercise.
What... What kind of...
Tonight, I would like you to spend a period
of time with your arms around one another.
Well, what's the... Why?
Because I want you to remember
what it's like to touch each other.
Do you think you can do that?
- Arnold?
- Well, maybe that's what...
I mean, forced intimacy...
Is that really...
- It's not forced intimacy.
- That's what it sounds like.
- What? We're supposed to be truthful here.
- You are.
Although... So what I'm saying
is that I don't think this exercise,
or whatever you wanna call it,
sounds like something...
- It's not forced.
- If I do that
just because somebody tells me to,
what is the point?
I don't think I like the idea
of anybody telling me...
I mean, the whole idea of this
exercise thing is totally ridiculous to me.
I'm not a trained monkey!
- You're a bully!
- What?
Since you got here,
all you've done is make me feel...
- Kay? Kay.
- ...terrible.
I've had it.
Kay!
Kay. Kay.
Kay, come on. This is infantile.
I think you're infantile!
Look... Where are you going?
This is insane.
No, it's not!
Where are you going?
You can come in. We don't bite.
What can I get you?
Would you recommend
the red wine or the white?
Do you like red wine?
Yeah.
Then I'd go with the white.
And so, I was just hoping that,
maybe if...
Trying to get the old magic back?
Yeah.
Did you ever have it?
You want the audio tour? It's $4.95.
The thing is
we really don't have sex, mostly.
At all.
That's it?
All right. Who in here is not having sex?
Not me.
Mike, I know you're not getting any.
- This one's on us.
- Thank you.
- I'm back!
- I see that.
- I went to the museum.
- Did you?
- Was it interesting?
- Extremely.
Of course, if you want to go,
you'll have to do it on your own.
I'm getting ready for bed.
Where'd you go this afternoon?
Just around.
I thought you wanted to do that thing.
But if you don't want to do it,
I sure don't care.
All right, I'll just go to bed.
I want to do it.
I guess we should do it there.
Well, I guess I'll get in.
Maybe this is enough.
Yeah, probably enough.
I was just getting the light.
- And then we did the exercise...
- Yeah, that was...
- ...and we woke up.
- Yeah.
And we were in the same bed.
- Yeah, it was... Yep.
- It was comfortable.
This is good. Really good.
By taking some time to yourselves,
you were able to relate better as a couple.
And you both did it without even trying.
- Well, she wanted to spend time apart.
- Yeah. I was so mad.
Mad as a wet cat.
But, you know, it was nice, wasn't it?
To do something on your own, you know.
Great, you two. Really great.
I'm thrilled with the progress
that you've made.
And I think it's going to make it that
much easier to proceed to the next step.
Next step. That's great. Let's get with it.
I mean, we're doing so well, we might
be able to get out of here early.
Okay, next step. What is it?
Write a poem? Hold hands in public?
Sing a serenade?
Sex.
We're going to talk extensively
about your sexual history.
When it started.
What it included. What it didn't include.
If you had orgasms, vaginally or otherwise.
If you had issues
around sexuality or performance.
Whether you talked about sex or during it.
What your fantasies are.
If you ever acted on fantasies.
Brought toys or sex games into the bedroom.
Brought sex out of the bedroom.
And once we've explored all of those
things, I will give you your first sexual,
not sex, but sexual, exercise.
All right?
Let's get started.
Arnold, would you like to begin?
Do you...
I think we ought
to stop this right now before...
We should just get our things and go.
I'll go first. I will.
Fine.
Terrific.
All right.
Kay, let's talk about
what you liked sexually.
Was intercourse pleasurable for you?
Sometimes.
Did you have orgasms?
Sometimes.
- Do you masturbate?
- No.
Not anymore.
Why not?
Because at a certain point, I just...
I think I didn't want to think about sex
or about Arnold, even.
It just made me sad
thinking about what I missed and...
What about your fantasy life?
Do you have fantasies?
What?
My fantasy is that, you know,
we'll renew our vows.
Just a little small ceremony,
on a beach, maybe.
Right.
Maybe with the kids there.
Right. And do you have sexual fantasies?
Imagine scenarios?
Having sex on a mountain top
or dressed all in leather?
That's funny.
So, no.
I mainly think about Arnold
and things that we've done.
You never have fantasies
about things that you haven't done ever?
No.
Okay. Okay.
All right. Arnold, let's talk about you.
What do you enjoy sexually?
- Sex.
- I'm going to ask you to get more specific.
Okay, fine.
So you enjoy the actual sexual act?
Intercourse?
Yeah.
Missionary style.
Would you prefer that to, say, oral sex?
I guess so.
Was oral sex an option? Is that something
that you would do regularly?
No, I, I, I, I don't... No.
I was not very... I'm...
I was not comfortable with that.
Giving or receiving?
I don't know. Both, I guess.
Okay. So, now you, Arnold,
would have been open to that.
What does it matter?
She just said it was not an option.
What about problems in the bedroom?
Have you ever experienced
erectile dysfunction?
No.
- Use medications like Viagra?
- No.
As we age, sometimes, it becomes...
It works.
What would you say
was working in your sex life
when you were sexual together?
- For instance, would you climax?
- Yeah.
Were there things that you wanted to do,
but didn't?
You're kidding, right?
Well?
I mean, who says no to that?
Right. Then go ahead.
What, you want a whole list?
Sure.
I'm not really coming up with anything.
There are no wrong answers here.
Well...
If you could have anything you wanted in
your sex life with Kay, what would that be?
Did you have fantasies that you didn't feel
comfortable telling her about?
Of course.
Well, I guess I used to think
about Kay giving me a...
Giving me oral...
You know...
At work. Under the desk.
At tax time.
So, public places.
No, not just public places.
No? Okay. Good, good. Very good.
What else?
A threesome.
- With?
- The neighbor.
Helen?
No, Carol.
Carol?
Carol with the corgis?
Very good, Arnold. Both of you.
I am going to give you your next exercise.
You think we ought to be sitting for this?
Well,
maybe lying down.
You want to go first?
Do you want me to?
Six of one, half dozen of the other.
- Is that all right?
- Fine.
Does it feel good?
It feels like you're petting a dog.
- That tickles. Don't...
- Sorry. Okay.
- Don't go there.
- I'm sorry.
I really don't see the point of...
I mean, this Dr. Feld,
you think he has other legitimate doctors
here who agree with him,
or think he could be
just some sort of a renegade?
You, I mean, well, us,
your average person, you could be
being treated by someone who's psychotic.
Or maybe someone
who's just a very average,
or even below-average practitioner.
I think we better stop.
What?
- You sure?
- Yeah, I think I just...
I'm going to bed.
So, last night you had
the touching exercise.
How did that go?
How was that for you?
All right, let's talk about it. Arnold.
- How was it having Kay touch you?
- It was fine, I guess.
Did it feel good?
Did you get aroused?
- How did that make you feel?
- Aroused.
What about you, Kay?
How did that make you feel?
- I got aroused, too.
- Did you know that, Arnold?
How am I supposed to know
what she's thinking or feeling?
How was it for you, Kay,
when Arnold touched you?
We didn't get to that part.
- Why not? Why?
- Because we just stopped.
We did the exercise. It was done.
We did it.
The exercise was to spend a period of time
touching each other sensually.
It sounds like Kay touched you
and then you stopped.
Did you talk about it?
Whose idea was it to stop?
It was mine, okay. I just wanted to stop.
I wanted...
- All right. Okay.
- I didn't want to do it anymore.
All right. Well, let's go deeper, then.
Let's not go deeper.
It's not enough to just be here.
You have to try.
I'm not trying? I flew 1,500 miles up here
for this and I'm not trying?
All right. Well, then,
let's just try to figure this out.
- Why did you want Kay to stop?
- I wanted her to stop because...
- Were you afraid?
- No! What do I have to be afraid of?
- Fear... Hey, re-engaging can be...
- I'm not afraid of my own wife.
Fine. Well, that's okay.
It's okay. It's normal to feel fear.
I did not feel fear!
Then why did you stop Kay
from touching you?
Let me tell you something.
I am done with this for today.
I am done. I'll see you back at the room.
Kay?
What are you doing?
Dr. Feld said he'd give us a refund.
What percent?
What?
Did he say he'd give us back
the whole payment, or...
- Half.
- Half.
I don't know what you thought
was going to happen here.
What did you...
I mean, there's no magic pill or wand or...
He's just a guy with an office.
It's ridiculous.
You come up here, you spend one week
and you're supposed to, what,
have a new marriage?
It's a setup. You're set up for failure.
Then you feel bad about failing.
You see that, right?
You can't win.
Why the hell did you bring us here?
You know how you think
you're always headed towards something?
You think, "When we get married,"
or, "When we have kids,"
or, "When the kids go
and it's just us again..."
You know, there's always something
to look forward to.
And one day, I realized that
we are not going towards anything anymore.
And I guess I was just not willing
to let go of things getting better anymore.
Not yet.
Maybe you just don't get a choice,
you know?
Maybe you just don't get a choice.
Don't forget your razor in the bathroom.
You're back.
- Let's talk about that.
- Let's not.
Let's just... I'm back, all right?
That ought to be enough.
It isn't, actually.
What do you want from me, blood?
You have a lot of anger, Arnold.
What do you think you're so angry about?
I'm angry about everything.
I'm angry about being here.
Why? What are you afraid will happen?
You want to know what? Fine.
What I'm afraid will happen here
is what probably happens
in every goddamn therapist's office
every time any poor couple goes in there.
You say whatever thing,
because somebody like you
is dragging it out of them
and then you can't take it back.
There are things in this life
that you don't say for a reason.
Like what? What would you say?
Tell me.
I want to know. I want to know.
It's worse not knowing when there
are things that you're holding back
you won't say because you think
I'm too fragile or whatever.
- No, it's not that. It's...
- Something I can't hear.
All right, fine! All right.
- She has a way...
- Say it to Kay.
You have a way of saying
that something's up to me
and then when I make a decision
and it's something you don't like,
you don't actually say anything,
but you sure do get your point across.
Well, can I just say, I don't like...
Is it my turn?
I don't like the way that we always do
something for Christmas, or an anniversary,
that's a joint gift for the house,
like a water heater.
- You needed that water heater.
- Yes, but you did, too. You shower.
Why is that a special gift for me?
And I hate watching golf. I do.
I think it's boring.
And the shows where they talk about golf,
even worse.
It's like being married to ESPN.
And when you eat ranch chips,
your breath smells.
I like ranch chips.
And I hate it when you rub up against me,
like you just expect me to do it.
"Come on, let's go."
Hell, it got to the point
I was afraid to make any kind of move.
If I even so much as tried to kiss you...
Well, you never kiss me.
You don't want to kiss
me, you just want "it."
Not me.
You know, he always has his eyes
squeezed tight shut.
It's not me. You just want "it."
Hell, yes, I want "it."
You can bet your life I want "it."
So screw me
for wanting to have sex with my wife!
And, you know, it's not pleasant
to do that with somebody
who doesn't want to do it.
But you never saw me...
What?
Go on, Arnold.
I didn't complain
because Kay didn't want sex.
Love. That's what I wanted. Not just sex.
I wanted you.
Well, what about all those years
I wanted you?
All those goddamn years.
And I didn't cheat.
I didn't go to hookers.
I watched a little porn, but who doesn't?
I was good. I did the right thing.
Now you're bringing me here for...
You're the one who stopped, not me.
Yeah, for a while I stopped, yes,
but you stopped, too.
You did. You stopped.
Well, you don't just turn it on and off,
you know?
Maybe when it's off, it's just off.
Off.
I want you to do something for me.
I want you to tell me
about the best sex you ever had.
The time that you can remember
that was the best. Either of you.
Even if it wasn't very good.
Even if it was terrible.
Best time that you remember.
Well...
I remember one time.
Kay was pregnant.
- Where were you?
- In the kitchen.
She was making soup.
And I came in there and she kept saying
she had to stir her soup.
And pretty soon, she
forgot about that soup.
What do you remember, Kay?
Well, we were on the floor, and...
And it was slow.
He... He put some dish towels
behind my head
so my head wouldn't bang on...
Wouldn't bump up against
the bottom of the cabinet.
That was...
Arnold, what else
do you remember about that?
Just wanting her.
Standing there in the kitchen.
Happy.
Beautiful.
She had a little apron which was
getting to be too little because her
belly was getting so big.
You were very attracted to her then.
Yeah, I was, and...
Are you still?
I don't... I don't know.
It's been a long time since we've...
- I don't look like I did then.
- No, it's not that.
No. I never could lose all the weight.
You look fine. I just don't think
of it in that way anymore.
About her that way anymore.
Well, of course, I...
No, it's not "of course."
Sometimes when a connection is lost,
we forget how to want one another.
Do you still want Kay?
Well, yes!
Do you still fantasize about her?
You mean, now?
These days.
I don't know.
I don't... I...
I had one.
I had a fantasy.
Was it...
- It was...
- It was... It was...
Like you said. It was just us,
and it was really different.
Something we've never done before.
Something new.
I'm going to ask you
to take a leap of faith and try something.
It is most likely
way out of your comfort zone.
Try to think of it in terms of...
Remember the metaphor of a nose breaking?
It's the nose.
Well, you can't break a
nose slowly, can you?
Of course there was a problem
with the popcorn popper.
Thank you.
I don't see why you can't tell me
what you're planning on.
Because he said it was fine this way.
It just makes me uncomfortable not to know
what I'm going to be asked to do.
When it's your turn,
you can do what you want.
What if we don't do the exercise again?
We're moving at a rapid clip here. Okay.
It's your ball game.
I'll tell you one thing.
You would never get me into a French movie
if we were at home.
This is pretty good.
Sorry.
I'm sorry, I can't see!
You just need to take it easy.
Watch it with the teeth!
- I'm sorry. Sorry, I didn't mean...
- It's all right.
I can't see.
Oh, God.
Hey, you can hurt someone!
I'm so sorry! I can't do this.
Kay. Kay. Kay.
- Kay, it's okay.
- It's not okay!
It's not okay.
Kay, listen.
- Kay, this is not a big deal.
- I should...
I should...
I'm not good at anything.
- There's not anything to be good at!
- I don't know how to be good at anything.
- Listen, wait.
- I'm not sexy!
Wait. Yes, you are very...
- What?
- What? Yes, what?
Maybe you just don't have...
Maybe there's just certain things
you're not experienced at.
Kay!
I must have looked so stupid!
But how did you feel?
Like a fake.
I'm just not... I'm...
I just can't do that.
Well, the whole situation
was just dangerous,
with those cup holders,
and seat backs going forth,
and back and forth and the cramped space,
the concrete floor, those
people everywhere.
That's not me.
I just can't be a person who commits
an illegal act in a movie theater.
It's just... Is that
really who I have to be?
It's not about being a sex object.
It's about pleasing the man you love.
And letting him please you.
Well, I don't even know how to do that!
Ultimately, I think you
have to ask yourself,
"Is this person worth more to me
than my pride?"
Oh, yeah. I mean...
Yes.
Kay's putting it all on the line here.
What are you putting on the line?
Everything.
He is everything.
But I'm really lonely.
And I think
to be with somebody
and not really with him is...
I think I might be less
lonely if I were alone.
- Do you want to be alone?
- No!
I don't know.
You wouldn't think it would be so hard
to just touch somebody that you love.
But it is. It's really hard.
Okay. You know what?
I'm going to give you something
that may help with your anxiety.
You can pick this up in town.
- Hey.
- Hi. Hello.
We got a discount on trade paperbacks
in the front, if you're interested.
- Are you looking for anything special?
- Not really.
All right, just let me know.
Do you have a title, miss?
No, not... I'm just...
I was gonna say if you got a title,
I can look it up.
We're short on shelf space up here,
so we have a lot of stuff in the back.
Actually, I'm looking for.
Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man.
Oh, yeah.
Dr. Feld has us keep those in stock.
Okay.
Can I give you cash?
Yeah, that works.
Couples come to me for two reasons.
To help them save their marriage, or...
Or what?
Or to help them end it.
When one person is this unhappy,
the marriage has to restore
some sort of equilibrium, or...
Or what? Are you trying to
tell me my marriage is over?
Because I'm not gonna pay you
for one more session
just because you threaten me,
you smug little prick!
Arnold, your wife is very unhappy.
And I'm not saying that she'll ever leave.
I just don't want you to have anything
to regret should she...
I'm simply saying the moment is here
and you have to ask yourself,
"Have I done all I could?"
Have you, Arnold?
Is this the best that you can do?
I'm sorry, there's...
Listen, I can...
Maybe a little tip would help, you know.
- You want to buy a table?
- I need it.
So whatever...
Look, I need this.
Look, I'm really sorry about
whatever is going on in your marriage,
but I don't think
the dinner was going to save it.
I need a table.
I need it, and I'm not going to
leave from right here until I get it.
We're going to need more space here,
so I want you to push it further
against the wall. All right?
All right.
Hello. Captain Jack's.
I'm sorry to hear that, Mr. Fletcher.
What time was that for?
All right.
Well, thanks for calling.
I do hope you come and visit us sometime.
Thank you very much. Bye.
All right.
That goes away.
Well?
Got a waiting list. Got to call them.
You got a waiting list? You will
give me that table, so help me God!
Are you ready?
I'm almost ready.
You really ready?
'Cause I don't want to be late.
Yes, I'm really ready.
- Very pretty.
- Thank you.
- You look really nice, too.
- Yeah, I do.
You handsome devil.
Oh, Arnold. It's gorgeous!
I just can't get over it!
You like it?
This is just exactly...
A little different than the Econo Lodge?
Completely different.
That place reminds me of when
we drove down to see your mother,
before we were married.
And we stayed at that little place...
You know,
it was the only place that was open.
It was a truck stop.
In Albuquerque?
Oh, I remember that. It had orange walls.
Yeah.
That was the first time you said it.
First time you said you loved me.
In that little motel.
You know, before you said it...
Well, I didn't want to
be the one who said it first,
but I just... I had to say it!
So every time we talked on the phone
I would say it to the
phone after we hung up!
Really?
Yes, I really did that.
I figured if I ever said anything
like that, you'd take off running.
What?
You could have had your pick.
I didn't think you'd ever want me.
I never wanted anything more.
What I don't get is
how he remembers to talk like that.
"Consider the metaphor of the nose."
I know. It must be so hard for him.
- I wonder if he talks to his wife like that.
- That would be...
"Mildred, I find it very interesting
that you are naked."
Can I bring you anything else?
- Do you...
- No, I'm fine.
Okay. No, just the check.
- Unless you want to.
- No, check, please.
Might get chilly on the way back.
It's been getting cold at night.
Well, the thing is, I've...
I don't know how you'll take this,
but I got us a room.
Here.
You did?
The front desk has toothbrushes.
I asked them.
I thought maybe just for
a night, it'd be...
You might want to...
So,
after this, we can just...
Like it?
Gosh!
Oh, my gosh.
Look at this.
Look at this!
Here's some strawberries.
You had to get them,
so here they are.
Anyway, you want some?
Strawberries.
I'm kind of full.
Yeah, me, too. And they knew that.
It's a rip off, really. You spend 15...
That's okay. You know, I think
I would like to have some.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Okay.
- Do you want to eat them at the table?
- Okay.
- Or we could eat them in front of the fire.
- Okay.
Okay.
Sweet.
Is it good?
It's good. It's fresh.
Good.
- Chocolaty.
- Good.
- You want some?
- There's champagne, if you want.
- Yeah. I know...
- I'm sorry. Go ahead.
No, you go.
There's champagne.
- You want some?
- I think I would like that, Arnold.
I guess you have something in mind there.
I do.
- Hold that thought.
- What?
- Hold that thought.
- Okay.
Come here.
I want... I want...
You want to...
- All right. You want to... You want to...
- Yeah.
Look at me.
- You lied.
- No.
When Dr. Feld asked you
if you were still attracted to me.
It was when you looked at me.
Just now.
You looked in my face.
That had nothing to do with it.
That's when you stopped.
Setbacks are a natural part of the process.
They never feel good, though.
I know you feel like you've failed,
but look where you failed.
You fumbled on the one-yard line.
When you got here,
you weren't even on the playing field.
You were somewhere in the parking lot.
So I think you're ready to follow up
with a therapist at home.
I can recommend somebody really good.
I have patients
who never should have gotten married.
And you are not those people.
Even great marriages have terrible years.
So bad that you're tempted to just give up.
But don't.
Hold on.
There will come a time
when you'll look back at this moment
as the prelude to something fuller
and richer than you've ever dreamed.
- Soames!
- Yo.
- Hey, how was that vacation?
- Good!
- Yeah. Where was it, Vermont?
- Maine.
Maine. That's right.
You said Kay likes the ocean.
So, how was it? You going to go back?
Probably not. It's a little overpriced.
Yeah. I hear you, but, hey,
if it keeps the missus happy another year,
- I'd say it's well worth the money spent!
- Yeah.
Jon Ross came in today.
You'd think it was
the first time he'd ever heard that
October 15th was the deadline
for an extension.
The guy never filed on time in his life!
And we have
the same conversation every year.
Every goddamn year.
For 17 years.
Can you imagine that?
Hi, again, everybody. School of Golf
is back in session for another week.
This week, it is Chapter 24,
"it's All About the Putting Stroke."
I'm Kraig Kann.
This is the professor, Martin Hall.
Putting. We're rolling it tonight.
Well, yes. We all want
to hit it fewer times...
So you guys had fun?
Kind of hard to get back
into the old routine.
What is it?
- You look like you could cry.
- No!
Do you still need somebody to take care of
that cat when you go away?
Oh, we already got the girl next door.
But I don't trust her. She's not bright.
Well, I could do it.
Really?
Oh, gosh, are you sure? Because I think
I might have a spare key with me.
And maybe I could stay over.
A night, or two nights.
Well, sure. You do that.
I saw The Caine Mutiny is on later.
- You want to watch it?
- I don't think so.
I'm just going to go up to bed.
- Kay.
- I'm just a little tired.
Is it really all that bad?
It's just expectations.
Like one of those makeovers, you know?
You look different for a minute
and then go back to yourself, right?
Right?
I don't know if I can.
What?
I don't know if I can go back.
You sure this is a gallon can?
Yes, sir, it's a lard can.
Just took it from the pantry, sir.
I suppose you're wondering
why I called this meeting.
As you all know by now, we had
an excellent dessert for dinner tonight,
ice cream and frozen strawberries.
An hour ago, I sent Whittaker to the pantry
to bring me another portion.
Kay.
You are beautiful.
You... You...
I'm late.
Okay.
- Well, have a nice day.
- Okay.
- Chicken tonight.
- Good.
- With potatoes and maybe some spinach.
- Good. No spinach.
- Okay. 6:00?
- 5:30.
What's the matter?
What'd you forget?
Have a nice day.
Arnold!
Arnie!
Hi!
Carol!
You got another corgi!
I know. This is Emma.
But three's the limit. I'm done.
How was y'all's trip?
Our trip was... Our trip was really...
You should come over tonight
and we'll tell you all about it.
That'd be great. I'd love to.
Yeah.
All right. I'll see you guys later.
Okay.
That's not going to happen.
Kay. Arnold.
We are all here today to witness
the renewals of your vows of matrimony.
We are thrilled,
and I especially am very thrilled,
to be here
and to be a part of this very special day.
Arnold, after 32 years of marriage,
I can honestly say
that I love you more than I ever did.
The day I met you changed my life.
It made my life.
And now I can't imagine
living my life without you.
It wouldn't be any kind of life at all.
When I think about spending
the rest of my life with you,
I only regret it won't be long enough.
So I want to now
make this next chapter
of our lives together
something that we'll both cherish.
I vow to watch more golf with you
without complaining.
I vow to watch less golf,
and to buy you good presents
that aren't for the house.
- Maybe like jewelry.
- Like jewelry.
Jewelry. Yes.
I vow not to cut my hair any shorter than
it is, 'cause I know you like it long.
Longer.
I vow not to complain so much.
If I can help it,
because sometimes there's something
that really needs to be complained about.
And I vow to go to one
of those sleep studies.
Like you've been asking me to go to.
And I vow to take you somewhere once a year
that's more than 200 miles away from home
and isn't to see a family member.
Now, on this wonderful day,
I give you the rest of my life
and I thank God every
day that you're in it.
And I vow to tell you how I feel,
not just when you ask me.
And I'll tell you how I feel about this.
I love it. I love you.
We will have the ceremonial
breaking of the nose.
See? That wasn't so hard.
Thank you.
Yes, a big boy.
Congratulations.
- I'm so glad to meet you!
- Finally!
Brad, Brad, Brad!