Hooking Up (2020) - full transcript

The letters
of the alphabet teach us

to be confident.

♪ A is always ♪

♪ Be yourself ♪

♪ C is for chasing
All of your dreams ♪

♪ D, yay ♪

♪ E is for everyone having ♪

Fuck!

Hold on, wait,
there's something...

- Shut up.
- No, I got something.

- I'm almost there.
- Hold on.



- Shut up.
- What the hell is this?

Wait.

What's going on?

- Where are you going?
- I'll let you finish up.

Hey, you gonna
leave me hanging?

Nice meeting you.

Come on, can't
you give a guy a hand?

I'm sure you
can figure it out.

Oh, go fuck yourself.

I do.
I get off faster that way.

- Oh!
- Whoa.

Eyes on the road,
please.

Watch where you're going.

You walk backwards and I
should watch where I'm going?



Yeah, sure, that
makes a lot of sense.

Parent-teacher conference.

Yeah, right.

- Ms. Kelly.
- You caught me.

Not exactly the
kindergarten teacher type.

Excuse me, you know smoking
indoors has been illegal

for like 10 years, right?

What? No, someone definitely
would have told me.

You know, you really
shouldn't light that.

Calm down, hall monitor.

If anyone's getting cancer
around here, it's me.

Shit.

- Is this...
- Sex addicts?

It's a room full of 'em,

so welcome to the
sausage party, sister.

You guys meet
in a grade school?

No one thinks that's
a little pervy?

Well, we used to meet in the
basement over at St. Patrick's...

Is that any good?

I've had better
but I'm...

Great.

Sorry I'm late.

Quite a line in the men's room,
believe it or not.

He's the group leader?

Tell me about it.

He's certainly not
making this easy for us.

Well, this is awkward.

I obviously don't
need to be here

but if you could just sign
this little piece of paper

saying I was though,
then I'll shove off

and avoid making this any
weirder than it already is.

Okay?

How about we skip
the intro today

and dive right into
a newcomer share?

Darla here would
like to go first.

Hi, Darla.

Oh. Sup.

Uh, I was actually
just leaving.

If you could just sign that.

So soon?

What, was it something
we did or didn't do?

Oh, no, I was just
regretting that I came.

Well, it says here that you
were court-ordered to attend.

Yeah, I don't really know
how any of this works, so...

I'm sure you
can figure it out.

- Oh.
- Won't you have a seat?

Great to have you.

All right.

Most kids got toys
or a pet that year.

I got a pack of smokes.

It's a right of passage in
my family, so now here I am.

Youngest of seven and the
only one in treatment.

Thank you
for your courage, Aida.

I hope you come to see this
group as your surrogate family.

Who'd like to share next?

Bailey?

Welcome back.
It's been a while.

What's going on?

I'm just, uh, stopping in.

Had my one year check-in.

Uh, waiting to hear the results.

It's probably fine.

There's nothing wrong
with a little scanxiety.

We've all been there, right?

Who else wants to share?

We actually have
ten for a thousand...

Yeah, I'll take
your number down.

Bailey, it's your mother.

Please don't send me
to voice mail.

I know how technology works.

I just texted you
a photo of your father

in front of his new gym.

Isn't he handsome?

He'd love to show you the new
location next time you're in town.

Speaking of, Karen
Carthright is throwing

a retirement party next week.

I hear Liz will be there.

You should be there too.

We'd love to see
you both, together.

Okay, son, love you.

It's time, man.
Seriously.

You gotta get rid of that
photo behind the desk.

It's fucking weird.

Oh, is that still?
Oh, that's right, yeah.

You just need to get laid,
all right? And move on.

Speaking of, she's been checking
you out over there, hard.

Go holler at her,
see for yourself.

Hey, Liz.

What are you doing here?

The garbage man tried
to take this again today

even I've assured them many times
you would come by to pick it up.

Oh, yeah,
I'm sorry about that.

It's fine, it's the last one.

Yeah, but you know,
I was actually hoping

that we could go through this
stuff together, you know.

A lot of this stuff
is actually yours.

Like this.

That is not mine.

Yeah, I got that for
your birthday last year.

You know, I got
the matching ones?

I really appreciate
the thought, Bailey,

but I don't think we should
have matching snuggies anymore.

Mostly because we're adults.

Oh, you know, it's funny,
I don't even draw anymore.

Yeah, I spend my time doing more
productive stuff, like you said.

Good.

Okay, I gotta run.

Uh, hey, what are
you up to later?

I was thinking maybe we
could, like, grab lunch,

something like, oh, you know,
there's a new exhibit at the...

We've talked about this.

You need to start hanging
out with other people.

At the very least,
call your parents.

My mom said they're
really worried about you.

I really have to go.

Yeah.

- Okay.
- Cool.

It's good to see you.

Darla Bean!

- Yes, your highness?
- Get in here, now!

Hey, Frank.

Ooh, new desk?

I like it.

What the fuck is this?

Based on its
current condition,

I'm gonna say
my latest column?

I'm guessing
no gold stars?

"Nothing kills the high of
a Friday night office hookup

like a Saturday morning
brunch and 'bortion."

Hashtag brunch and 'bort.

You think this is funny.

- Yes?
- I don't know what's worse,

the fact that you think it's
okay to lampoon an abortion...

Well, if you can't
laugh about it.

Or this.

Oh.

Come on and turn.

- What?
- Fuck me.

I am!

I'm really glad
you like the desk,

seeing as it's coming
out of your severance.

You told me to write
about office romance.

And instead you
made a sex tape.

Wait,
you got an abortion?

Was it mine?

Yes, Franklin, you
knocked me up so fast,

I had to Uber straight
to the clinic.

- This isn't a joke.
- I didn't get an abortion.

Did you guys never
go to health class?

First, I bail you out of
a sexual harassment case.

Oh please,
I was flirting.

And now you're fucking
interns at the office.

And you get another
titillating column

and he gets another notch
on his tiny little belt.

Everyone wins.

I put up with your shit
because your stories were good.

But now they're...
they're unrelatable

and, frankly, offensive.

Well...

You're fired.

So are you.

But I don't get paid!

Tanya.

You can't fire me.

My column is a very integral
part of this publication.

The column is, yes,
but you're not the one writing it anymore.

I am the column!

I inspire millions of women to
reignite their burnout sex lives.

I'm like the Oprah of orgasms.

Every lady gets one!

Well, they'll just have to
get them from someone else.

I find the weirdest,
raciest shit and I live it.

Who else is gonna do that?

Look, you're not the only nympho
that can formulate a sentence.

Call me Tanya!

- Tanya.
- Say that I'm the boss.

- You're the boss.
- Yeah, I am!

Yes!

Okay, I get it.

I fucked up, I did.

I vow to keep going to
that group of degenerates,

never boink another coworker,
and to be more responsible.

- We cool?
- Stop by HR on your way out.

They'll go through
your severance package.

Tanya, I got a rap sheet
working for you.

Nobody else is
gonna hire me now.

This is all I'm good at.

I'm sorry.

But your stories lately just
aren't worth fighting for.

Please tell me you left.

Got it.

Where are you going?

Find a story.

Something good enough to
put this bullshit to bed.

Oh fuck.

Fuck. Stop.

Go back to your
makeup tutorials.

God, oh god, oh
god, oh god, yes, yes, yes!

Ah ah.

I'm sorry.

Happens all the time.

You might want to sit down.

Please don't send
me to voice mail, Liz.

I know how
technology works.

Bailey, what the hell
are you doing here?

- I saw your story.
- Okay, you need to get off my Instagram.

I just got some
really bad news.

Can we please?

Oh, terrific.

Uh, no.

Can you please bring
another one of those?

Wow, that is really good.

What is this place anyway?

Like some sort of like
hipster hat bar or something?

Okay, you need to leave now.

Liz, this is serious.

Yeah, it always is with you.

You can figure this
out on your own.

Oh, thank you.

No, okay, he's not my date.
Please stop giving him drinks.

You're on a date?

Yes, I'm dating,
and so should you.

Now go.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Look, I know
I haven't been great

about giving you your space,
but this is different.

Can we please just talk?

Somewhere preferably
with less of these hats?

I mean, just, it's all the same.
It's like they sell them here.

No, no, we can't.
I'm leaving town tonight.

Forever?

No, not forever.

I'm going home for my
mom's retirement party.

And honestly, I feel like we
shouldn't see each other for a while.

Liz.

I love you.

Look, Bails.

How are we supposed to know
that we're meant to be together

if we've never been
with anybody else?

So you want me to
be with someone else,

so then we can be together?

No, you're missing the point.

Your white knight
has returned, princess.

Who's this dude?

Who is this dude?

Okay, first of all, not a
princess, don't need saving.

And second of all,
this is my old friend.

Bailey was just saying goodbye.

Can you pick
up the pace, bro?

Gonna need another
glass of that.

I'll take a whiskey, neat.

Just kidding.

No, this warm sludge
looks delicious.

Want to fill me up?

You know, this is only
my second meeting,

but what do you say we blow
this sad little circlejerk

and get the hell out of here?

Hey, hey.

Tom.

Whew, honey, you look
a little flushed.

You wanna have a seat?

Just right over there.

Bye, Tom.

Are you trying to give
that man a heart attack?

Why do you take
this shit so seriously?

Because it works.

You know what?

I know a sponsor
I can introduce you to.

I don't need a sponsor.

No offense, but
I'm not an addict.

I write a sex column and I'm
here doing some research.

Sex column?

Darla, this might
be a joke to you,

but it's very real for us.

So why don't you have a seat

and treat the people in
here with some respect?

Maybe that way you'll find
something worth writing about.

Step eight.

Make a list of all
persons we have harmed

and be willing
to make amends.

This is a tough one.

But in order to understand
the extent and pattern

of my addiction, it helped
me to recognize those

that I had hurt.

Does he think
vaginas have teeth?

In your case,
I'm pretty sure it has fangs.

I brought paper and pencils and,
hell, I even have a road map

for those who need help
jogging their memory.

This step helped me
earn back my wife's trust

and get my impulses
under control.

Did you write my name down

or did you put your
wife's name down again?

You know, you might
actually need this.

A whole map.

Circle all the
places I've fucked?

Are you sure this isn't
gonna make you jealous?

Oh, have at it.

What?

Okay, I'm ready to share.

- This is me?
- Oh shit.

Oh, a lot of new faces.

Hey, excuse me, sir,
I think you're mistaken...

No.

I think I got this.

Well, it's back, baby.

T-motherfu-C.

That's testicular cancer,
if you're nasty.

I got cancer in my testicles.

You know, and I already
survived it once.

They cut... They cut off
my left testicle.

And so I was all good,
fairy-tale ending.

Man loses ball, call it a day.

Then, now, mysteriously
there's a magical lump

on my right guy,
so the doctor says

we won't know how bad it
is till we chop it off.

And mind you, he didn't
say chop it off...

Should someone tell this guy
that AA is upstairs?

But supposedly there's a
chance it's not malignant,

so you know,
I'll probably survive it.

I won't die from it.

Lucky me.

But now, I'm an
eligible bachelor,

who's gonna want
me now, you know?

Right when maybe had a chance
to get back with my ex-fiancée.

Hey.

You're Kindergarten Kelly.

I remember you 'cause I
remember from the other room.

Careful, everybody, look out.

This one's a predator.

Told you not to smoke.
Lo and behold, here you are too.

Hey, actually I
recognize you too.

Let's get you some water.
Maybe a stomach pump?

That'd be fun.

Yeah. You're good-lookin'.

Let's get you outta here.

Hey, you know, actually it's pretty
serendipitous that you're here.

And on account of my junk being
sent to the nether realms,

maybe you could help me with
a little secret mission?

- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.

It's intercourse with me.

Oh, my God. Nice.

Wow.

Well, I'm flattered.

And I'm very sorry
about your balls,

but man, do you have
the wrong room.

Whoa.

Whoops.

My bad, y'all.

All right,
let's get you outta here.

- Yeah.
- Can you walk?

I walk with the best,
watch this.

There he goes.

Okay.

Psh. You wouldn't expect it,
I walk fine.

Step eight though.

You guys are all doing it,
and I'm proud of ya.

I'm proud of ya.

You guys, one day at a time.

Oh, it's right there,
says it on the thing.

We're good,
yeah, bring that.

Don't wanna waste it.

I'm really sorry.
I have no idea what that was.

All right, so with one,
how does that work exactly?

Do you still get hard,
just...

Oh, okay.

You okay?

I saved it.

Got most of it out
in the parking lot anyway.

Good.

Please don't puke on me.

I'm less likely to bang
somebody if I get puked on.

Oh, you mean my very
charming proposition?

Yeah, you made quite
a speech back there.

Yeah, I have no
more dignity to lose.

There's not even napkins,
it's ridiculous.

I have some tissues, here.

You going somewhere?

No, absolutely not.

Just some dumb exercise
that douchebag made us do.

Probably so he could brag
about his own sexual conquests.

What kind of exercise is that?

I think we were
supposed to make a list

of all the people
that we had sex with

and circle the places
on a map.

So they're encouraging you
to rehash your sexual history?

But isn't that like triggering?

I don't know.

You have to like
revisit all the places?

No, that would be insane.

I mean, all my sexual
history could fit on a bar napkin.

- I could help you with that.
- Oh yeah?

You wanna revisit all
your past romps with me?

Show me how it's done?

That's actually
not a bad idea.

Yeah.

No, seriously.

You're about to have
a life-changing surgery

and you could have
one last hurrah.

Check some things off
the old bucket list.

And I would get my...

The catharsis that
I need for my therapy.

Aren't you supposed
to not be having sex?

It would just be you
and me the whole time.

You don't go to the classes.

I go to the classes
all the time.

And you're just not supposed to
have sex with a lot of people.

The opposite of
promiscuity is monogamy.

Wouldn't that be
like abstinence?

Agree to disagree.

You'd be helping me
with step eight,

with the list of people
that I had sex with

and remembering
who those people were.

Darla, look.

You're a very nice lady.

I mean, I think, I don't know.

But I can't go on a
cross-country trip with you.

I don't even know you.

Fine.

Can I get the check, please?

Thank you, by the way.

I thought we were
gonna help each other

but if you're cool
with getting sterilized

without so much as a send-off,
then that's on you.

Headed for Dallas for
my mom's retirement party,

which is next week,
and I am so excited!

Wait.

When is this trip
supposed to start?

I don't know, tomorrow.

Okay.

- But I have one condition.
- Oh yeah?

What's that?

We have to stop in Dallas.

No, I didn't fuck
anybody in Dallas, weirdly.

Look, if you want me to go on
your sex therapy trip with you,

you have to go to
Dallas with me.

Quid pro quo.

Visa versa.

Two peas in a pod.

This a staring contest?

Because if it is, I guarantee
you I never lose 'em.

Or have I blinked?

I can't... that was a blink.

Round two.

She's your daughter,
figure it out.

Oh, come on.

Jay. Jay!

Uh-huh. Fuck, fuck.

Tanya.
I have an idea.

- You're fired, go home.
- Hear me out.

I don't have time for this.

I do not have time for you,

I don't have time for
my deadbeat ex-husband,

I don't have time for
my board of directors,

who don't seem to understand

that we are treading water
in a dying industry

because they've never heard
of the fucking Internet.

I consider firing you
to be a mercy killing.

You're so welcome.

I'm really sorry about all that,
by the way, but I have an idea.

What if I went back
and I relived my history?

My sexual history.

Every raunchy hookup,
every backroom romp,

every dirty debacle,
and I do it again.

Everywhere I fucked before,
but like a do-over.

- Why?
- Because it's never been done before.

And because it'll
sell magazines.

And because I really
need my job back.

I'm not gonna condone you
prostituting yourself for a story.

Yes, wait.
But I met this guy.

He has cancer and he's about to lose
both of his balls, he's a total mess,

and it'll just be me and him
having sex the whole time.

And he's the story.

This guy's really
about to be castrated

and he knows that you're
writing about him?

Sure.

Yeah, under a pseudonym.

Give me a chance at a feature.

I just fired you,
I'm not promoting you.

- Fair. I'll do it as a column piece.
- No.

Fine, fine. I will use the blog.
The fucking blog.

I will spice up
the web presence

for those dinosaur board
of directors, you know?

Show 'em what the
Internet's really all about.

Please, please consider it?

I want live posts
from the road.

I want daily entries

on how this guy's dealing
with his condition

and how sex and love change
with age and maturity.

- Thank you.
- And I'm not paying you.

- Cover my expenses?
- No.

Lube? Condoms?

Do not fuck this up.

- What if I nail it?
- Then we'll talk.

- Okay, no.
- I'm sorry.

I love that shirt. Ah!

Your readers are gonna
suck their own dicks!

- Shh!
- Yeah, too much, okay.

Heyo!

You know, we can take
my car if we need to.

No, we're taking my car.
Get in.

Just, it looks like you just
bought that on Craigslist.

I did.

Like a while ago, when
Craigslist just first started.

Yeah, this is Craig's car.

- Oh.
- Get the fuck in.

This doesn't look like it's gonna make
it, the trip, you know?

Well, you better
fucking hurry!

Yeah, I better.

Your
chariot awaits, sir.

Hi, Mr. Brighton,
this is Dr. Kaydan's office,

calling to schedule
your orchiectomy.

We had a cancellation
it looks like

and I can actually get you
on the schedule tomorrow.

So please give us a call
back as soon as you can.

Thank you.

So work was cool with you
just taking off like this?

I played the
cancer card, again.

It's my second time actually.

I do it a third time,
they'll definitely fire me.

- Cause you don't have three balls.
- Exactly, that's why.

- Where are we going exactly?
- Right.

Consider this our Bible.

We're gonna hit
every X on that map.

Except for the Atlanta area,
that was a clusterfuck.

- Literally.
- Whoa!

What?
What's wrong with your face?

- All of these Xs.
- Yeah.

You had sex in
all these places?

Bingo.

I was expecting a lot,

but like I wasn't
expecting this many.

All right, you're either
judging me or underestimating me

and either way
I don't like it.

I'm not judging you,
it's just, I mean?

College wasn't really my thing
and so after high school,

I just took off,
moved around a lot.

Your parents were
cool with that?

Just me and my mom,
and she's got a...

A thing.

Took her a week to
even notice I was gone.

What's this little
mark right here?

Oh, that is our first stop.

- It's at the airport?
- Yeah.

Grab us one of those
back there, would ya?

I...

I mean, is this trip sponsored?

So were you like picking
up a boyfriend or?

Never had one.

So who was this guy?

I don't know, some
flight attendant.

Had terrible breath,
I remember that.

So why'd you
have sex with him?

My flight was delayed.

The... I'm sorry, what?

No, random people don't
just, you know, like...

Men aren't that complicated.

If you wanna get laid,
you just walk up and you ask them.

No, can't be that easy.

- Just come on.
- Okay.

This feels so wrong.

- Why are you whispering?
- I don't know.

All right, come on,
let's do this.

I was in one of these stalls,
I think it was this one.

Come on!

Oh, wait, I have to pee.

- Okay.
- Ew, you just peed.

Jesus Christ.

Come on.

Wait, what?

You have two,
I'm so confused.

One of 'em's silicone.

You have a nut implant?

They do that?

That's amazing.

Well, thank you for
your stellar review.

Okay, come on.

This is what happened.

- He was sitting here.
- Excuse me.

Some sanitation, please.

Here, princess.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

You know, actually
maybe we should just

like share a meal
first or something.

The more you talk,
the less I want to do this.

Yes or no?

Yes.

Okay, carry me to the sink.

- What?
- That's what happened.

We fucked here and then
he carried me to the sink.

- What if someone comes in?
- Well, then make it quick.

Come on!

Must I do everything?

Okay, go to the sink.

Okay.

Shh.

Someone's coming.

Me.

Back to the stall, go!

- Oh shit, oh shit.
- Oh god!

Oh shit!

Oh shit!

Finally.

You see, Darla,

this is where normal people
usually have sex.

You should look into it.

Feels nice to get
some comfies on.

What,
you're not a PJ person?

I've got a snuggie
if you want.

There's literally
nothing I want less.

You know, there's enough space
on this bed for both of us.

Oh, I'm good.

Oh, you're afraid I'm
gonna put the moves on you?

Night, Bailey.

Whatcha working on
there, stranger?

Uh, nothing.

Just journaling.

Anything about me?

Don't flatter yourself.

Just checking.

You still haven't told me
what kind of writing you do.

Yeah, well, I guess
we still have a lot

to learn about each other.

Gonna get in the shower.

We should probably pack up.

Let's just say on
this next stretch,

I made a lot of friends.

Wait,
so we have to do it

exactly the same way it was,
otherwise it doesn't count?

Whatever happens at X is
what we need to do there.

Penetration, vaginal,
anal, just the tip,

- hand jobs, blow jobs...
- Okay.

Around the back, going down.

I'm very uncomfortable.

I bet you slayed in college.

- Before I got engaged?
- Yeah.

What's your number?

How many people
have you fucked?

We're about to do
a lot of fucking

so I want to know what
I'm working with here.

- Uh, no.
- How about we say it at the same time?

This is childish.

Okay, on the count
of three, ready?

- We don't need to do that.
- One, two...

- Not gonna give a number out to whoever.
- Three.

- It's two!
- 169.

169? Will you please
look at the road?

You've had sex
with two people?

Liz and I were
high school sweethearts.

We went to college together.

Oh, my God. So at least there's
another person, thank God.

Who's the other person?

Me?

I'm number two?

I said we were
high school sweethearts.

I've had sex before,
just always with Liz.

This is the most terrifying
thing that you could ever tell me

other than "Here, smell this
rag" or "I think I love you."

You're terrified?

You're terrified?

Have you seen this map?

- All right.
- All these Xs?

I mean, there's like eight more
Xs before we leave the state.

We're already
in this together,

so I guess I'm just
gonna deal with it.

Nine!

What are you doing?

Don't smoke in the car with me.

- What do mean?
- I've got cancer!

Got some more of these.

I can't look at the map
and drive at the same time.

- Where are we right now?
- Stop doodling. I need you to help me!

- I am, okay.
- I think we're lost.

Get off on 59.
I don't think we're lost.

- Can I help you with anything?
- No. No, no, no.

Okay, I'm just checking.
I'm here for you.

Uh, it's just, must be
the cold or something.

It's not that cold.

Too much?
Okay, okay.

Oh.

You walk into
any place with confidence,

you can have sex in that place.

Or you just wear
a camo shirt

because then
they can't see you.

Exactly, and they're like
"Thank you for your service."

To fucking halfway
across America.

Hmm.

To be honest, I didn't
think you were gonna cut it.

Well, sex can be a
compelling motivator,

especially with you.

Wait a second.
What is this?

- Can you give that back, please?
- Is this me?

It's nothing,
it's just I got bored

- when you were in the bathroom.
- Shit, Bailey.

I saw you sketching before but I
didn't realize I was shagging Picasso.

I'm more of a Shepard Fairey,
Robin Velghe kind of guy.

You're in deep
with this shit.

Did you go to art school?

Yeah, right.

Father would've disowned me.
Yeah...

If I hadn't followed
Liz to Atlanta,

I probably would've been
running one of his gyms by now.

And instead you're slumming
it at someone else's.

- Nice.
- Yeah.

I mean, what else am I gonna do?

This, you should do this.
It's sexy.

Are you feeling any better?

The therapy stuff, is any
of this actually helping?

Yeah.

Yes, it is helping,
thank you for asking.

And you? You wanted to get laid.
We've been doing a lot of that.

Oh, careful what you wish for.

Maybe your list can
fit on a few of these now

and maybe soon
after your surgery,

you'll be able to conquer
a whole paper towel.

I'm not sure I'm gonna
go through with that.

I didn't realize
that was optional.

Well, it's just kinda
not loving the idea

of becoming a eunuch.

Maybe I just might
take my chances.

Yeah, I hear that
works out really well for

people who take their chances
with life-threatening diseases.

Hey, can we not
talk about this?

Yeah, sorry.

I get it, you're anxious.

Is that why you've been
having issues lately,

getting full mast?

Oh, no.

- Are you talking about the bus?
- Talking about your penis.

- Actually, that's very normal.
- It's normal?

- You know how long we've been going at it...
- A doctor.

- My equipment works fine, all right?
- I know.

You're smiling.

Look, all right,
I'll prove it, okay?

Where's next?

Oh, see, look, look.

We skipped a spot.

We'll just circle back 60 miles.

- No, we don't need to go back.
- No, no skipping.

We'll just like turn
around tomorrow morning.

We have so many
more places to go,

so we should just get a move
on and go to those places.

Yeah, but we've hit
every X before this one.

Why all of a sudden are you
so fine with missing one?

Just because we're
skipping a spot

doesn't put the whole
trip in jeopardy.

Why are you so willing to skip steps?
What about step eight?

Step eight of 12.
You can't just like skip steps.

Otherwise you're just standing still.
It's not an escalator

that's gonna carry you up
through the steps.

And guess what? Even on an escalator,
the steps come back around.

- You can't just like skip them.
- Fine, we will go.

- Whatever.
- All right.

Oh, like right now?

Generous tip.

Thank you.

Check the mailbox.

I can't believe
he still lives here.

I'm gonna scope it out.

Wait here.

I don't care.

Shh!

Jesus.

Why am I doing this?
What am I doing?

- Shut up.
- Shh. You shut up.

I can hear you.
If I can hear you, everyone can hear you.

No one's crazier than me.
Why am I doing this?

Shh, shh.

Oh, my God.

Coast is clear.

I checked all the windows,
nobody's home.

Let's do this.

So are we going in
through the chimney or?

I remember
where the hide-a-key is.

So moody,
it's like a cave in here.

Look at all these brochures.

Look, they must be
on vacation.

Oh, Hawaii, nice.

All right, so ready
to go down by the door,

out here and the bedroom
knowing you?

Kitchen.

Kitchen, okay.

Okay, I've made an assessment
and knowing you,

I think I hit the jackpot.

Counter, right?

I was there.

So close.

I should get points
for trying at least.

Just different counters.

Are you okay?

She was there.

Who?

The wife.

The wife from the picture.

She was standing there
before she ran out.

I did this to her.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Hey.

Don't touch me.

I'm sorry, I just...

I just don't know
what's happening.

Nothing's happening.

Nothing's happening,
I didn't even know this guy.

You don't have to
tell me if you don't...

I'm not... I'll tell you.
I don't care.

I met him at a bar.

He said his wife
was out of town.

And when she walked in...

no one has ever
looked at me like that.

And I was just sitting
there with my legs open,

just staring at her.

And I knew I had done something fucked
up, but I didn't know what to do.

And she left bawling in her car

and he went out after her.

And you wanna know
the fucked up thing?

The most fucked up part is
that I remember thinking

I didn't even get off.

She didn't even make it a mile.

She ran a red light,
got hit by a truck.

And when I passed in the cab,

the ambulance was already there.

And I just passed on by them.

I heard that they were still
together and that she was fine.

I didn't know that...

That she's in a wheelchair.

- I'm... I'm so sorry.
- Don't... apologize to me.

You don't think
I knew what I was doing?

You don't think that I saw
his fucking wedding ring?

I knew what I was doing.

You can't blame yourself.

Of course I fucking can.

I... This was just
me getting laid.

I destroyed these
people's lives,

I destroyed this family.

Well, I mean,

he shouldn't have been
fucking around with you.

If it wasn't for me, these kids would
be able to have a mom who isn't...

Look, yes.

You fucked up, okay?

But this,
this isn't your fault.

You don't know shit.

Oh, you're alive.

Where are we?

This is Dallas.
It's my parents' house.

Welcome.

- No.
- It's part of the deal, remember?

I thought you were joking.

Nope.

In fact, I kinda need you to
pretend to be my girlfriend.

That's weird. Yeah, no,
I know that's weird.

But my parents think
I'm a mess right now,

so I really could use your
help getting them off my back,

so if that's cool with you.
If you're cool, I'm cool.

Great.
I'll see you in the house.

I'm gonna drive away.
I'm definitely driving away.

I'm gonna drive away.
I can just drive away.

Definitely driving away.

Dinner's delicious, Mom.

Thank you, son.

As always,
looks and cooks.

Have you ever met a woman that
could whip up a spread like this?

I was raised on microwave
dinners and canned food,

but, thank you, I've known a
few attractive cooks in my day.

Darla, is that your car
parked in front of the house?

Mm-hmm. I kidnapped your son
for a tour of debauchery.

Therapy.
It's a therapy tour.

That's actually how we met,
it's a cancer thing.

Oh dear.
You're a patient too?

Yes. It's my breasts,
they're toast.

As fake as they come.

Oh.

Oh, see, I can spill
mashed potatoes on 'em

and can't feel a thing.

Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.
Can't feel a thing.

I've read about this,
chemo brain?

- Oh, no, Darla's very healthy.
- Oh.

We both are.
Never better.

What did the doctor say?

Uh, Yeah, I just had
a checkup actually.

All clear.

Yeah, work's great too.

It's like a lot of new
clients, gym's very busy.

Well, your father's opening
was a huge success.

You know, we've been
thinking about expanding.

To Georgia.

Maybe we can make this
a family business.

Be so good for you, son,

when you're ready
to start a family?

I think he could really make some
money with those drawing skills.

I think he could be
the next Shepherd's Pie.

- Fairey.
- Fairey.

- Shepard Fairey.
- Whatever.

Bailey understands that
drawing is not a career,

it's a hobby.

Well, you could say the
same thing about fitness.

And what exactly
do you do, Darla?

Mm? Oh, me.

I'm a writer.

For a magazine,
a very famous magazine.

It's very famous.

And we hire artists
like him all the time.

- Huh.
- Which one?

- Which one?
- Mm-hmm.

Um...

What a question.
I don't think you've heard of it probably.

Oh, I'm sure we have.

We read all the big ones,

what, Men's Fitness,
Men's Health, Men's Journal.

Seems to be a theme going on.

My husband likes to stay
current with the industry.

Well, my industry is more of
like a women also exist... thing.

How long have you two
been dating?

- Only a few weeks.
- Months.

- Months!
- Few months.

Months, weeks, hard to tell.

'Cause we're having
so much fun.

Well, Bailey's mother and I dated
for 10 years before we married.

- We were high school sweethearts.
- Mm-hmm.

And speaking of,
Liz flew into town.

I'm sure she's gonna be
very happy to see you.

- Liz is here.
- Mm-hmm.

- Hm.
- Oh, she is?

Bailey, I told you last week when I
texted you those messages that you...

Oh, I think we're just so
tired from the drive here.

- Wow.
- I think I'm just gonna hit the hay.

So what time should we be
ready for the party tomorrow?

I thought this would be
more of a family thing.

No. Liz.

D-Darla's coming, right?

Yeah, I'm coming.

I can't wait to talk
more about my cancer

and our... loving relationship.

Son, please make sure

that you show Darla
the guest bedroom.

Yes, Mom.

Hey.

- Hey.
- Oh, wow.

Holy shit.

You didn't tell me you grew
up in "The Wonder Years."

I'm sorry about them.

Yeah. I mean,
one dinner with your parents

and I'm surprised you're
not a full serial killer.

You did go
a bit pathological though.

It's just so frustrating.

I just wanted to get
my mind off of this,

but like what if it's worse?

You know, what if
it's spreading?

You're gonna be fine.

You don't know that.

It's not like I'm ever
gonna have a family.

And even if I did, I couldn't get
up without a testosterone injection.

This... This is it for me.

Jesus, don't you think you're
being just a little dramatic?

Okay, let's say that I managed
to get a second date, huh?

What happens when my
fake balls come out?

Who's gonna want that?

First off, balls stay in the
pants until they're invited out.

- Agreed.
- Second, chicks don't care about balls.

And also, that is such
a double standard.

Since when has a guy ever turned
down a girl with fake tits?

Never. Literally,
it's never happened.

I guess you'd know,
right, breast cancer?

Yes. Yeah, no thanks to you.

Maybe you should follow
suit, get some upgrades.

Old grapefruits swinging
from your branch.

Maybe it'll be your
foray into porno stardom.

- Mm-hmm.
- Uh-huh.

- What's your porn star name?
- I... W-What?

Your porn star name.

It's the name
of your first pet

and the street
you grew up on.

- Oh.
- Oh, it's good, what is it?

It is.

What is it?

Uh...

It's Waggy Beansack.

- Waggy Beansack?
- This is Beansack.

I've been hanging
out on Beansack?

And Waggy was
my dog, rest in peace.

Oh, my God.

All right, your turn.

We're in your hometown.

Let's cross off
some of your spots.

- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- If it didn't happen here,

then where did the
deflowering take place?

If you could please stop referring
to my virginity as a flower?

Sure.

All right, where did you
get drunk for the first time

or buy your first pack of
cigarettes or lit something on fire?

We are so different.

Whatever we do,
just get me out of here

because your parents
scare the shit out of me.

It's right here
on the right.

Where are we going?

Yeah,
just right here.

Oh, okay.

Just right here.
You can stop.

I got it.

Yep, here it is.

This is where
the magic happened.

This cow pasture?

No, this is Liz's house.

Her parents still
live here actually.

Oh, great.
Let's go.

What? No.

No, no!

What? What are you...
Hey!

Oh, my God. I know.

Jesus Christ.

- Is that her?
- Yeah, what are you doing?

I showed you
my dirty laundry.

I want to see where
your cherry got popped.

Well, here it is.
Can we go now?

No. Okay.

- Now's our chance.
- For what?

Come on.

What are you doing?

- Going inside.
- Don't do it.

Don't!

Stop it, stop it.
Stop that.

Absolutely not.

Oh. Liz's parents
could be inside.

Yeah, I know.

Great, I'll just
ring the doorbell

and it'll be like "Oh, baby,
what are you doing here

in the middle of the night
with this gorgeous creature?"

Is she a Dickens character?

And you'll be like,
"Oh, hey, Liz's mom.

- It's just me, Bailey."
- That's supposed to be me?

"And I'm here to fuck
this amazing creature

- in your daughter's bed."
- All right, let's just...

Just a little bit
of this.

- Stop doing this.
- A little bit of this.

- Okay, stop doing this.
- Okay.

All right, fine,
we'll go inside

and just promise me
you'll be quiet.

- Yeah, like a little baby mouse.
- Okay.

Very small.

It's so easy.

It's too easy.

No alarm system.

Why are you so
low to the ground?

Right here on the
left, that's where we did it.

Oh, okay.

- Oh, my God.
- Shh, shh, shh.

Holy shit!

Did you lose your virginity
to someone's nana?

I remember it as
much less creepy.

I can't see how
that's possible.

What is that smell?

What, have you never
smelled potpourri before?

Only in regular doses.
I didn't try to kill anyone with it.

Ha ha ha.

- Ah!
- Shh.

I thought that was going to be
a lot softer than it was.

Liz's parents are,
like, right next door.

- Who's this?
- That's Mr. Wizzlebiz.

Leave it alone.

Sorry.

- Is this how you did it?
- Wait, wait.

- What?
- Just stop.

What?

If we're gonna
recreate my experience,

we're gonna do it my way, okay?

Okay.

I'll just lay here like Liz
and do nothing.

Liz didn't just
do nothing, okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm sure she
was an animal in bed.

Speaking of which, there are a lot
of animals staring at me right now.

- Just ignore the wildlife, Liz.
- All right, fine.

- Darla.
- I'm sorry.

You're so serious
about this.

I was serious then.

I'm sorry, I'm serious.
I'm taking this seriously.

Trust me, okay?

You suck at this.
Let's do your shirt.

Is this okay?

Let's go.

Ow!

Sorry.

Go, go, go, go.

You know
what I was thinking?

Maybe we don't have
to go to this thing.

No.

I mean, you said
you wanted to go

and it's gonna be weird,
so fuck it.

Let's have a good time.

Right, but let me warn you,

this is a little bit of
a boring crowd, you know?

I figured.

What do you want me to wear
to this little shindig?

I was gonna ask you to wear something
a little bit more conservative.

- Gross.
- Yeah, but fuck it, wear what you wanna wear, you know?

Just go balls-out.

- Good pun.
- Yeah. Ooh.

- Hitting the shower.
- Okay.

- So is this a costume party now?
- What?

Seriously, why did you dress
me up like a pastor's daughter?

You look fine.

I look like your
English professor.

Don't be silly, come on.

Why is
this house so big?

Because
people live in it.

Hello, darling.

How are you?
We brought a gift.

- Thank you.
- Congratulations.

Congratulations.
Oh, of course.

Hi. Congratulations,
nice to see you.

Thank you.

So this is what it looks
like in broad daylight.

- Are you okay?
- I'm fine.

Here.

Thanks.

She's not gonna jump
out of the fucking cake.

- Who?
- Who?

Really subtle.

You're giving me whiplash.

I thought we were
gonna have fun.

What is going on
with you?

What's going on
with you, hm?

How's therapy lately?

Sure are journaling
a lot recently.

It's fine.

It's fine.

Did your mom
pick out your outfit?

What the fuck
are you doing?

Bailey.

Hey, Liz.
Didn't even see you there.

Yeah, I was surprised to
hear you're back in town.

Yeah,
just passing through.

From Atlanta?

Yeah, just you know,
had to get some time away

to reassess things.

Some time apart kinda
helped me to put things

back into perspective.

Wow, you've done
all this growth in,

like, the past two weeks?

Yeah.
Amazing, isn't it?

How about you?
What've you been up to?

Oh, you know, the usual.

Just trying to temper my
parents' absurd expectations.

Tell me about it.

And I think we got
robbed last night.

- What?
- Yeah.

I'm not sure
because nothing was stolen,

but clearly someone had,
like, snooped in my room.

I don't know what kind
of weirdo would do that.

Hi, I'm Darla, by the way.

- Oh, yes, this is Darla...
- Yeah.

...my girlfriend.

Yeah, I heard you guys had
been dating for a few months.

I don't know how I missed that.

You look so much
prettier in person.

I'm sorry, what?

Well, I've seen Bailey's
posts about you guys.

- Posts, what posts?
- Isn't she funny?

Well, I'm so happy
for you, Bails.

Seems like you're
doing really well.

Well, you know, I guess
I have you to thank.

I mean, if we didn't
have that talk,

who knows, maybe I never
would have met Darla here.

- Mm.
- Ow.

- You okay, babe?
- Yeah, babe.

You're squeezing me
like a fucking bird.

Sorry. Just can't seem to keep my
hands off this one when she's around.

Mm! Oh, wow.
Can we talk for a second?

- Mm-hmm.
- Be right back.

Okay.

- What the fuck are you doing?
- What do you mean?

Are you seriously posting pictures
of us to make her jealous?

Hey, Bailey,
is everything okay?

Take a seat, Jumpsuit.

Do not be rude to her.

You don't talk to her
like that.

- Seriously?
- Keep your voice down.

Who are you right now?

I read your blog.

- What blog?
- What blog?

It's on the fucking Internet.

Did you really think
I wasn't gonna find it?

Well, you know what,
I'm glad I did.

Otherwise I never would've known that
this whole thing's a fucking lie.

You're just using me to be
the john in your sex column.

My favorite piece, I think,
was the chef's one.

Yeah, real clever title.

Uh, "Eating Out?"

Ew... scholarly.

So what? I write about sex.
I told you I was a writer.

Yeah, but I thought you meant like
novels and stuff, like not like smut.

You could have googled me,
that's on you.

You know,
my cancer is private.

- As is my sex life.
- What sex life?

I am your sex life,

which obviously you were just
using to fix your broken libido.

You didn't make it
difficult on me, did you?

Which hasn't been a problem
for you up until now, has it?

That was before I knew
I was dealing with a sl...

What?

Go ahead and say it.

Call me a slut.

I didn't have to.

Bailey?

You gonna tell them
or should I?

Wow.

You're not gonna tell them.
You're pathetic.

You're fucking miserable,
you have a miserable job,

your life is going nowhere,

and you're chasing some
Southern Living fantasy and why?

She doesn't even want you

because she already knows what's
so obvious to the both of us

that no matter what is in your
pants, you'll never be a real man.

At least I know what it
feels like to be loved.

Got it.

Enjoy the rest of your party
with your real girlfriend.

Come on!

Whatever you're
looking for in there,

it's probably easier to find
it if the glass were empty.

Something wrong?

Get out.

I said get out!

- Jesus.
- Get the fuck out!

Jesus.

Hey.

Mind if I join you?

Well, I can't promise I'm not gonna
do something else wildly embarrassing.

Oh, I was hoping you would.

Hungry? Your mom said
you haven't eaten yet.

Oh, so you came here
to feed me?

I just wanted to
check in on you.

Am I still allowed to do that?

So, um... what was your
deal with her anyway?

Were you guys like
actually dating or?

I kinda started to
think that we... No.

Uh, it was stupid.

I mean, I understand.

It makes sense that you wanna have
fun with someone who isn't me.

I guess I just didn't expect you
to go all the way off the deep end.

Oh, come on.
Things aren't that bad.

I mean, yes, they didn't
turn out as expected,

but... we're still here.

If teenage me knew that 30 me would
still be sitting at this desk,

you know, just hiding out
in this room,

just as unsure about what
I want to do with my life

as like I was ever.

I don't know.

Maybe I would have
done stuff differently.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

You know, you've
gone through a lot.

Look, I know
that I shut you out

and I'm sorry about that.

I thought some time apart
for us would be good.

You know, we haven't
had that, like, ever.

And I wanted to talk
to you about this stuff

but then you got sick
and you needed me.

You know, I've always
taken care of you,

but I don't even know
who I am outside of us.

You know?

I wanted to date to make sure

that we were making
the right decision.

And I admit, it's selfish,

but being here with our
totally crazy parents

and seeing you go through
this all on your own...

I don't know.

I still love you, Bailey.

I found another lump.

- Wait, what?
- It's small, but I had some tests.

Yeah.

They caught it early
and they have to remove it.

Like, the rest of it.

Well, if it's that serious,
then you shouldn't be here.

You should be getting
the procedure.

- I mean, what if it's...
- I know.

I just...

I need time to process it.

Okay.

Do your parents know?

No.

They don't need that again.

Well, we'll figure
this out, okay?

I like the
horsepower underneath.

No pun intended.

Mom?

Stop it.

Mom.

Little bean!

You made it!

Oh, my God!

You okay?

You must be starving,
come join us.

I'm okay.
Who's this?

Bill was helping me
paint the porch yesterday.

I invited him to stay over so we
could get to know each other better.

You don't need any help
painting the porch, Mom.

Sit, sit!
Is it just you?

Where is that stud you've been
dragging across the country?

I've been reading about
you two's shenanigans.

- Yeah, that wasn't a thing.
- Well, never is.

Bill and I are
going out tonight.

You totally have to
tear it up with us.

No, I have a lot of work to do and
I'm not gonna be here very long, so.

Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh.

You do not get to be a drag.

No, I'm just
gonna go to my room.

No, come on,
come out with us!

He doesn't bite.

Hard.

So what time do
you two fly out?

10:00 a.m. tomorrow.

And thank you again
for getting Bailey and I

on the same flight,
that was very nice of you.

You're welcome.

Yeah, I just think
it's a good idea

for Bailey not to
be alone right now.

Is everything
all right, Bailey?

Yeah, no, everything's fine.

Are you sure
everything's fine?

Mm-hmm.

- Liz?
- Well...

Don't ask her.

I said everything's fine, okay?

Okay.

I just meant that we're
all here for you right now,

to help you.

- Are you?
- Yes.

And when we go home, I'm gonna
be there to support you.

With what exactly?

Don't you think
we should tell them?

Tell us what?

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...

Bailey found another lump

and the doctor said
that it's cancerous.

What?
How can that be?

I thought they
replaced, you know.

I mean, it's not
the same testicle, Mom.

Honey.

You said that
everything was fine.

'Cause everything is fine.

Ron, we're going back
to Atlanta with him.

He needs us to take care of
him, Liz can't do that on...

No one needs to
take care of me!

Look, I didn't ask for help
because I don't need help.

And frankly, Liz,
that wasn't yours to share.

You're right.

I'm... I'm sorry.

I just, you know, I haven't
been there for you recently

and I... I didn't want to
mess that up again.

Everything'll be fine.

Mom?

Little bean.

What are you doing up?

Where you been all day?

What are you,
my parole officer?

I'm leaving tomorrow,
remember?

Oh, yeah.
Right.

Um, if you're flying,

you need to tow that eyesore
off my curb first.

I was hoping that you
would help me fix it.

Well, I do know my way
around an engine.

- You gonna be up that early?
- Yeah, probably not.

Just call the guys
down at Mario's.

Yeah, right, okay.

- What?
- Nothing.

What's wrong now?

I thought that...
I don't know what I thought.

I, um...

I just haven't been
home in a while.

Whose fault is that?

Mom.

This sucks.

Mom, um... I know
that I'm not easy...

- and you're not easy either.
- Jesus.

But I know
that's not your fault

and I think...

there might be something
wrong with me.

And I don't really
understand what it is...

but I think I might
have a problem.

Honey, we all have problems.

No, Mom. Um...

I've been going to
this group lately, this...

At first I didn't even
take it seriously

and I thought it was stupid.

But I think that maybe...

and I think that you should
find something similar.

It's for addicts.
It's for sex and love addicts.

Honey.

Those groups are
for men making excuses

about philandering
and shaming women

for being just as
sexual as they are.

But you are a liberated woman

and you don't care
what people think

and you are not
ashamed of what you do.

And that's... That is one of the
things I love most about you.

Probably because
I taught it to you.

That's not me.

Since when?

Good night, Mom.

Hey, Liz, what's
your porn star name?

What?

You know, like,
the name of your first pet

and the street
you grew up on?

Why would you ask me that?

It's a game. It's fun.

It's not funny, Bailey.
It's just weird.

What are you doing?

Our Uber's here, let's go.

I'm not going with you.

What, why?

Liz, I missed you.

Like, hanging out this
weekend with our parents,

I miss that too.

But... it kinda sucked.

You know, like all of it.

Um, okay.

Liz, when you left,
I thought it was because I had cancer.

Like, me getting sick
had broken us down,

maybe like you
weren't attracted to me?

But I understand.

I don't wanna be together
just because it's easier

than being alone,
you know, like...

So you just don't want
to be with me anymore.

I mean, did we
get back together?

I thought so.

I mean, I want to.

Do you?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think so.

Liz, I think what we want
is the idea of us.

But we're not those
same kids anymore

and that's okay.

Are you sure that
this is what you want,

with everything that's going on?

Yeah.

Does this mean that you're gonna
stop stalking me on Instagram?

- I'll cut back.
- Yeah?

- I'll cut back on it.
- You gotta slowly wean it away.

- Yeah, exactly.
- We have to walk to the same spot,

so you can just bring my bags.

- All right, that's a deal.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I'm not gonna cold turkey
stop Instagram stalking you.

No, I mean, of course not,
my pics are lit. Why would you?

You can see what
orange wine guy's up to.

- Oh.
- Is his name like Arman?

It is Arman!

What are you doing?

If I were you,
I would junk this thing

for whatever scraps
are still worth a damn.

It still might get you home,
if that's where you're headed.

Yeah, I don't know
where I'm headed anymore.

Yeah, I've heard that before.

You know, I was thinking...

the funny thing
about being a mom

is whenever something new
happens with your kid,

it's your first
chance to figure out

what the hell you're
supposed to do about it.

And when you only have one...

you only get one chance.

I know you got places to go,

but I could make us
some breakfast

if you're not in
too much of a hurry.

Yeah. I'd like that.

Okay.

She said she didn't
want to burden me with it

because my operation
had gone well

and my cell count had improved.

I mean, she was there by my side
throughout all of this.

So I just don't understand
why she would hide it from me.

I'm sorry.

Everyone has a different way
of processing their diagnosis.

But the important thing
is that we're patient.

Does anyone else have anything
they want to add to that?

Molly, would you like to share?

I do.

As in, I think I have
something to add to that.

Okay.

And I'm definitely in
the right room this time,

I know that,
and I'm definitely sober.

I think. Yes.

Um, it's just that Molly's
been waiting for a while.

Is it okay if Bailey goes first?

Clearly I have all
the time in the world.

Yeah, great. If that's okay
with, I mean, I'll be so quick.

Okay, thank you.

Hi, everyone.

Uh, I guess I've been so
reluctant to share recently...

because I've been scared,
you know.

Even with something not
as life-threatening as TC,

I've been afraid to, like,
face a second diagnosis.

Which I guess is why
a couple weeks ago,

I went on this crazy road trip.

I don't know, maybe I was
trying to distract myself

from, like, all this, you know.

But the person that
I end up going with,

she turned out to
be really cool. Yeah.

She wasn't grossed out...

and she wasn't
even like sympathetic, you know?

Like she just made
me feel normal.

And... I used her, you know?

And like an asshole,
I shamed her.

She made me feel better
and I screwed it up.

So tomorrow is my
second orchiectomy

and I feel like shit about it.

And I'm still terrified.

But also, I feel...
like I can handle it.

Thank you for sharing.

And I bet if you
told your friend

what you just shared with us,

the two of you
could work it out.

Molly, thank you
for being so patient.

- Would you like to share now?
- Sure.

Uh, basically I've just
been feeling like...

- Actually, can I jump in here?
- Seriously?

Oh, we're just in the
middle of something.

- If you just... If you want to take a seat.
- Sorry, I just feel

like my story has a lot
in common with Bailey's.

Hi, I'm Darla.

And I'm new, obviously.

And... I have breast
cancer apparently.

Weirdly enough,
I, too, went on a trip,

a trip that I lied about needing
for therapeutic purposes.

Not about my boob stuff,
about something else.

Something that I always
thought made me exciting

and good at my job
and in control.

But the guy that I was with made me
realize that maybe I had a problem.

And that's really scary,

finding out that
you might have a problem

and you don't know how
to fix it right away.

But this guy was
really cool about it.

And for the first time ever,
I trusted somebody.

And then I did something
really shitty to him.

And normally
I wouldn't really care

because I don't usually
like most people...

but this guy wasn't
like most people.

So...

Anyway, I don't really know...

What I'm trying to say is...

fuck cancer.

Am I right?

Yeah.

Thank you for that, Darla.

And welcome to the circle.

Molly, would you
like to share now?

Are you sure?
Does anybody else have any...

It sounds like you were
an asshole to this guy.

- Oh, come on!
- I mean, yes, I was an asshole,

but he was kind of a dick.

For the record,
I think you're both dicks.

You know,
my surgery is tomorrow.

Things are gonna
be different after.

- I know.
- You two know each other?

I guess if you're gonna
be serious about recovery,

- you probably shouldn't...
- Not for a while.

Okay, they know each other.

Yeah, and you probably
need time, right, to...

Probably. Yeah.

Worst timing ever, huh?

Maybe the best?

This is the weirdest
fucking support group.

- No, sorry.
- Yeah, go ahead.

You go ahead, I mean, who cares about us?
We're just blabbing on...

It sounds like a great trip.

Um, I just want to
get back to Molly.

Anyway, we were on this
bench in Amsterdam...

So we decided
to just be friends.

Just for like one year,

which seemed like a
responsible amount of time

for us to, you know,
get our shit together.

I guess after
my blog doubled traffic

to the website, Tanya
offered me my job back.

This place could use
a voice like yours.

This voice.

I...

I can't.

I think I've just
been realizing lately

that maybe this place and
what I've been writing about...

isn't good for me anymore.

It's crazy that she's
not my boss anymore,

but I still use her as
my emergency contact.

I got the new job.

I'm an illustrator for this
new graphic design firm.

I know my parents
still have no idea

how I make money drawing,
but they're coming around.

Well, I've been
working on something.

It's mostly about me

and the stupid shit
that I've done,

but it's also about my mom,

because there's
a lot to unpack there.

And yeah, a lot of it
is about sex.

But a lot of it isn't.

And somehow, I managed to get
an advance from a publisher.

Liz still
checks in on me

but I took her advice.

I've been hanging out
with other people.

We've been
seeing each other a lot.

I mean, platonically.

It's been nice having
someone to share things with.

Especially during
the hard times.

Hey.

What's wrong?
What'd they say?

Stop it!

And the good ones.

And today marks
one year since my surgery.

And after chemo, I am
officially in remission.

Plus the sperm I banked before my
first orchiectomy is still good,

so my mother
hasn't disowned me.

And also, I don't
have to use condoms, so...

I mean, okay, but still like,

we'll use protection, I think.
It's like the over...

- 'cause there's like a million strains of...
- I got it.

I did the banana thing
in health class.

Good, they're still doing that.

Good.

I mean, I still struggle,

especially with
not watching porn.

That was a big one for me.

I miss getting attention.
I miss the validation

that came from
getting attention,

but I know that's
not worth it now.

Because I know now that's not
what any of this is really about.

I had to take a long good look
at what was under my hood.

And with the help of my sponsor,

this feels pretty cool.

I mean, it's not
as good as sex, but...

It'll do.

- I will see you later.
- Yeah.

Thank you.
See ya.

That was cool, Darla.
Congrats.

Thanks, Rob.

Well, if it isn't Ms. Kelly.

Ah, it's the hall monitor again.

You know, you can't
smoke those in here.

Oh yeah,
someone told me that once.

One addiction at a time.

A whole year, huh?

Yeah.

So, would you like to go
to dinner with me tonight?

Like on a date?

- Mm.
- Hmm, lucky for you, I just became available.

So, where you wanna go?

I don't know,
where do people go on dates?

I haven't been
on a date since high school.

I don't think I've
been on a date ever.

- Eh?
- We'll figure it out.