Hooking Up (2020) - full transcript

After he receives a new cancer diagnosis and she is fired from her job as a sex columnist, Bailey and Darla take a road trip that forces them to get intimate with their issues, as well as each other.

The letters

of the alphabet teach us

to be confident.

♪ A is always ♪

♪ Be yourself ♪

♪ C is for chasing

All of your dreams ♪

♪ D, yay ♪

♪ E is for everyone having ♪

Fuck!

Hold on, wait,

there's something...

- Shut up.

- No, I got something.

- I'm almost there.

- Hold on.

- Shut up.

- What the hell is this?

Wait.

What's going on?

- Where are you going?

- I'll let you finish up.

Hey, you gonna

leave me hanging?

Nice meeting you.

Come on, can't

you give a guy a hand?

I'm sure you

can figure it out.

Oh, go fuck yourself.

I do.

I get off faster that way.

- Oh!

- Whoa.

Eyes on the road,

please.

Watch where you're going.

You walk backwards and I

should watch where I'm going?

Yeah, sure, that

makes a lot of sense.

Parent-teacher conference.

Yeah, right.

- Ms. Kelly.

- You caught me.

Not exactly the

kindergarten teacher type.

Excuse me, you know smoking

indoors has been illegal

for like 10 years, right?

What? No, someone definitely

would have told me.

You know, you really

shouldn't light that.

Calm down, hall monitor.

If anyone's getting cancer

around here, it's me.

Shit.

- Is this...

- Sex addicts?

It's a room full of 'em,

so welcome to the

sausage party, sister.

You guys meet

in a grade school?

No one thinks that's

a little pervy?

Well, we used to meet in the

basement over at St. Patrick's...

Is that any good?

I've had better

but I'm...

Great.

Sorry I'm late.

Quite a line in the men's room,

believe it or not.

He's the group leader?

Tell me about it.

He's certainly not

making this easy for us.

Well, this is awkward.

I obviously don't

need to be here

but if you could just sign

this little piece of paper

saying I was though,

then I'll shove off

and avoid making this any

weirder than it already is.

Okay?

How about we skip

the intro today

and dive right into

a newcomer share?

Darla here would

like to go first.

Hi, Darla.

Oh. Sup.

Uh, I was actually

just leaving.

If you could just sign that.

So soon?

What, was it something

we did or didn't do?

Oh, no, I was just

regretting that I came.

Well, it says here that you

were court-ordered to attend.

Yeah, I don't really know

how any of this works, so...

I'm sure you

can figure it out.

- Oh.

- Won't you have a seat?

Great to have you.

All right.

Most kids got toys

or a pet that year.

I got a pack of smokes.

It's a right of passage in

my family, so now here I am.

Youngest of seven and the

only one in treatment.

Thank you

for your courage, Aida.

I hope you come to see this

group as your surrogate family.

Who'd like to share next?

Bailey?

Welcome back.

It's been a while.

What's going on?

I'm just, uh, stopping in.

Had my one year check-in.

Uh, waiting to hear the results.

It's probably fine.

There's nothing wrong

with a little scanxiety.

We've all been there, right?

Who else wants to share?

We actually have

ten for a thousand...

Yeah, I'll take

your number down.

Bailey, it's your mother.

Please don't send me

to voice mail.

I know how technology works.

I just texted you

a photo of your father

in front of his new gym.

Isn't he handsome?

He'd love to show you the new

location next time you're in town.

Speaking of, Karen

Carthright is throwing

a retirement party next week.

I hear Liz will be there.

You should be there too.

We'd love to see

you both, together.

Okay, son, love you.

It's time, man.

Seriously.

You gotta get rid of that

photo behind the desk.

It's fucking weird.

Oh, is that still?

Oh, that's right, yeah.

You just need to get laid,

all right? And move on.

Speaking of, she's been checking

you out over there, hard.

Go holler at her,

see for yourself.

Hey, Liz.

What are you doing here?

The garbage man tried

to take this again today

even I've assured them many times

you would come by to pick it up.

Oh, yeah,

I'm sorry about that.

It's fine, it's the last one.

Yeah, but you know,

I was actually hoping

that we could go through this

stuff together, you know.

A lot of this stuff

is actually yours.

Like this.

That is not mine.

Yeah, I got that for

your birthday last year.

You know, I got

the matching ones?

I really appreciate

the thought, Bailey,

but I don't think we should

have matching snuggies anymore.

Mostly because we're adults.

Oh, you know, it's funny,

I don't even draw anymore.

Yeah, I spend my time doing more

productive stuff, like you said.

Good.

Okay, I gotta run.

Uh, hey, what are

you up to later?

I was thinking maybe we

could, like, grab lunch,

something like, oh, you know,

there's a new exhibit at the...

We've talked about this.

You need to start hanging

out with other people.

At the very least,

call your parents.

My mom said they're

really worried about you.

I really have to go.

Yeah.

- Okay.

- Cool.

It's good to see you.

Darla Bean!

- Yes, your highness?

- Get in here, now!

Hey, Frank.

Ooh, new desk?

I like it.

What the fuck is this?

Based on its

current condition,

I'm gonna say

my latest column?

I'm guessing

no gold stars?

"Nothing kills the high of

a Friday night office hookup

like a Saturday morning

brunch and 'bortion."

Hashtag brunch and 'bort.

You think this is funny.

- Yes?

- I don't know what's worse,

the fact that you think it's

okay to lampoon an abortion...

Well, if you can't

laugh about it.

Or this.

Oh.

Come on and turn.

- What?

- Fuck me.

I am!

I'm really glad

you like the desk,

seeing as it's coming

out of your severance.

You told me to write

about office romance.

And instead you

made a sex tape.

Wait,

you got an abortion?

Was it mine?

Yes, Franklin, you

knocked me up so fast,

I had to Uber straight

to the clinic.

- This isn't a joke.

- I didn't get an abortion.

Did you guys never

go to health class?

First, I bail you out of

a sexual harassment case.

Oh please,

I was flirting.

And now you're fucking

interns at the office.

And you get another

titillating column

and he gets another notch

on his tiny little belt.

Everyone wins.

I put up with your shit

because your stories were good.

But now they're...

they're unrelatable

and, frankly, offensive.

Well...

You're fired.

So are you.

But I don't get paid!

Tanya.

You can't fire me.

My column is a very integral

part of this publication.

The column is, yes,

but you're not the one writing it anymore.

I am the column!

I inspire millions of women to

reignite their burnout sex lives.

I'm like the Oprah of orgasms.

Every lady gets one!

Well, they'll just have to

get them from someone else.

I find the weirdest,

raciest shit and I live it.

Who else is gonna do that?

Look, you're not the only nympho

that can formulate a sentence.

Call me Tanya!

- Tanya.

- Say that I'm the boss.

- You're the boss.

- Yeah, I am!

Yes!

Okay, I get it.

I fucked up, I did.

I vow to keep going to

that group of degenerates,

never boink another coworker,

and to be more responsible.

- We cool?

- Stop by HR on your way out.

They'll go through

your severance package.

Tanya, I got a rap sheet

working for you.

Nobody else is

gonna hire me now.

This is all I'm good at.

I'm sorry.

But your stories lately just

aren't worth fighting for.

Please tell me you left.

Got it.

Where are you going?

Find a story.

Something good enough to

put this bullshit to bed.

Oh fuck.

Fuck. Stop.

Go back to your

makeup tutorials.

God, oh god, oh

god, oh god, yes, yes, yes!

Ah ah.

I'm sorry.

Happens all the time.

You might want to sit down.

Please don't send

me to voice mail, Liz.

I know how

technology works.

Bailey, what the hell

are you doing here?

- I saw your story.

- Okay, you need to get off my Instagram.

I just got some

really bad news.

Can we please?

Oh, terrific.

Uh, no.

Can you please bring

another one of those?

Wow, that is really good.

What is this place anyway?

Like some sort of like

hipster hat bar or something?

Okay, you need to leave now.

Liz, this is serious.

Yeah, it always is with you.

You can figure this

out on your own.

Oh, thank you.

No, okay, he's not my date.

Please stop giving him drinks.

You're on a date?

Yes, I'm dating,

and so should you.

Now go.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Look, I know

I haven't been great

about giving you your space,

but this is different.

Can we please just talk?

Somewhere preferably

with less of these hats?

I mean, just, it's all the same.

It's like they sell them here.

No, no, we can't.

I'm leaving town tonight.

Forever?

No, not forever.

I'm going home for my

mom's retirement party.

And honestly, I feel like we

shouldn't see each other for a while.

Liz.

I love you.

Look, Bails.

How are we supposed to know

that we're meant to be together

if we've never been

with anybody else?

So you want me to

be with someone else,

so then we can be together?

No, you're missing the point.

Your white knight

has returned, princess.

Who's this dude?

Who is this dude?

Okay, first of all, not a

princess, don't need saving.

And second of all,

this is my old friend.

Bailey was just saying goodbye.

Can you pick

up the pace, bro?

Gonna need another

glass of that.

I'll take a whiskey, neat.

Just kidding.

No, this warm sludge

looks delicious.

Want to fill me up?

You know, this is only

my second meeting,

but what do you say we blow

this sad little circlejerk

and get the hell out of here?

Hey, hey.

Tom.

Whew, honey, you look

a little flushed.

You wanna have a seat?

Just right over there.

Bye, Tom.

Are you trying to give

that man a heart attack?

Why do you take

this shit so seriously?

Because it works.

You know what?

I know a sponsor

I can introduce you to.

I don't need a sponsor.

No offense, but

I'm not an addict.

I write a sex column and I'm

here doing some research.

Sex column?

Darla, this might

be a joke to you,

but it's very real for us.

So why don't you have a seat

and treat the people in

here with some respect?

Maybe that way you'll find

something worth writing about.

Step eight.

Make a list of all

persons we have harmed

and be willing

to make amends.

This is a tough one.

But in order to understand

the extent and pattern

of my addiction, it helped

me to recognize those

that I had hurt.

Does he think

vaginas have teeth?

In your case,

I'm pretty sure it has fangs.

I brought paper and pencils and,

hell, I even have a road map

for those who need help

jogging their memory.

This step helped me

earn back my wife's trust

and get my impulses

under control.

Did you write my name down

or did you put your

wife's name down again?

You know, you might

actually need this.

A whole map.

Circle all the

places I've fucked?

Are you sure this isn't

gonna make you jealous?

Oh, have at it.

What?

Okay, I'm ready to share.

- This is me?

- Oh shit.

Oh, a lot of new faces.

Hey, excuse me, sir,

I think you're mistaken...

No.

I think I got this.

Well, it's back, baby.

T-motherfu-C.

That's testicular cancer,

if you're nasty.

I got cancer in my testicles.

You know, and I already

survived it once.

They cut... They cut off

my left testicle.

And so I was all good,

fairy-tale ending.

Man loses ball, call it a day.

Then, now, mysteriously

there's a magical lump

on my right guy,

so the doctor says

we won't know how bad it

is till we chop it off.

And mind you, he didn't

say chop it off...

Should someone tell this guy

that AA is upstairs?

But supposedly there's a

chance it's not malignant,

so you know,

I'll probably survive it.

I won't die from it.

Lucky me.

But now, I'm an

eligible bachelor,

who's gonna want

me now, you know?

Right when maybe had a chance

to get back with my ex-fiancée.

Hey.

You're Kindergarten Kelly.

I remember you 'cause I

remember from the other room.

Careful, everybody, look out.

This one's a predator.

Told you not to smoke.

Lo and behold, here you are too.

Hey, actually I

recognize you too.

Let's get you some water.

Maybe a stomach pump?

That'd be fun.

Yeah. You're good-lookin'.

Let's get you outta here.

Hey, you know, actually it's pretty

serendipitous that you're here.

And on account of my junk being

sent to the nether realms,

maybe you could help me with

a little secret mission?

- Oh yeah?

- Yeah.

It's intercourse with me.

Oh, my God. Nice.

Wow.

Well, I'm flattered.

And I'm very sorry

about your balls,

but man, do you have

the wrong room.

Whoa.

Whoops.

My bad, y'all.

All right,

let's get you outta here.

- Yeah.

- Can you walk?

I walk with the best,

watch this.

There he goes.

Okay.

Psh. You wouldn't expect it,

I walk fine.

Step eight though.

You guys are all doing it,

and I'm proud of ya.

I'm proud of ya.

You guys, one day at a time.

Oh, it's right there,

says it on the thing.

We're good,

yeah, bring that.

Don't wanna waste it.

I'm really sorry.

I have no idea what that was.

All right, so with one,

how does that work exactly?

Do you still get hard,

just...

Oh, okay.

You okay?

I saved it.

Got most of it out

in the parking lot anyway.

Good.

Please don't puke on me.

I'm less likely to bang

somebody if I get puked on.

Oh, you mean my very

charming proposition?

Yeah, you made quite

a speech back there.

Yeah, I have no

more dignity to lose.

There's not even napkins,

it's ridiculous.

I have some tissues, here.

You going somewhere?

No, absolutely not.

Just some dumb exercise

that douchebag made us do.

Probably so he could brag

about his own sexual conquests.

What kind of exercise is that?

I think we were

supposed to make a list

of all the people

that we had sex with

and circle the places

on a map.

So they're encouraging you

to rehash your sexual history?

But isn't that like triggering?

I don't know.

You have to like

revisit all the places?

No, that would be insane.

I mean, all my sexual

history could fit on a bar napkin.

- I could help you with that.

- Oh yeah?

You wanna revisit all

your past romps with me?

Show me how it's done?

That's actually

not a bad idea.

Yeah.

No, seriously.

You're about to have

a life-changing surgery

and you could have

one last hurrah.

Check some things off

the old bucket list.

And I would get my...

The catharsis that

I need for my therapy.

Aren't you supposed

to not be having sex?

It would just be you

and me the whole time.

You don't go to the classes.

I go to the classes

all the time.

And you're just not supposed to

have sex with a lot of people.

The opposite of

promiscuity is monogamy.

Wouldn't that be

like abstinence?

Agree to disagree.

You'd be helping me

with step eight,

with the list of people

that I had sex with

and remembering

who those people were.

Darla, look.

You're a very nice lady.

I mean, I think, I don't know.

But I can't go on a

cross-country trip with you.

I don't even know you.

Fine.

Can I get the check, please?

Thank you, by the way.

I thought we were

gonna help each other

but if you're cool

with getting sterilized

without so much as a send-off,

then that's on you.

Headed for Dallas for

my mom's retirement party,

which is next week,

and I am so excited!

Wait.

When is this trip

supposed to start?

I don't know, tomorrow.

Okay.

- But I have one condition.

- Oh yeah?

What's that?

We have to stop in Dallas.

No, I didn't fuck

anybody in Dallas, weirdly.

Look, if you want me to go on

your sex therapy trip with you,

you have to go to

Dallas with me.

Quid pro quo.

Visa versa.

Two peas in a pod.

This a staring contest?

Because if it is, I guarantee

you I never lose 'em.

Or have I blinked?

I can't... that was a blink.

Round two.

She's your daughter,

figure it out.

Oh, come on.

Jay. Jay!

Uh-huh. Fuck, fuck.

Tanya.

I have an idea.

- You're fired, go home.

- Hear me out.

I don't have time for this.

I do not have time for you,

I don't have time for

my deadbeat ex-husband,

I don't have time for

my board of directors,

who don't seem to understand

that we are treading water

in a dying industry

because they've never heard

of the fucking Internet.

I consider firing you

to be a mercy killing.

You're so welcome.

I'm really sorry about all that,

by the way, but I have an idea.

What if I went back

and I relived my history?

My sexual history.

Every raunchy hookup,

every backroom romp,

every dirty debacle,

and I do it again.

Everywhere I fucked before,

but like a do-over.

- Why?

- Because it's never been done before.

And because it'll

sell magazines.

And because I really

need my job back.

I'm not gonna condone you

prostituting yourself for a story.

Yes, wait.

But I met this guy.

He has cancer and he's about to lose

both of his balls, he's a total mess,

and it'll just be me and him

having sex the whole time.

And he's the story.

This guy's really

about to be castrated

and he knows that you're

writing about him?

Sure.

Yeah, under a pseudonym.

Give me a chance at a feature.

I just fired you,

I'm not promoting you.

- Fair. I'll do it as a column piece.

- No.

Fine, fine. I will use the blog.

The fucking blog.

I will spice up

the web presence

for those dinosaur board

of directors, you know?

Show 'em what the

Internet's really all about.

Please, please consider it?

I want live posts

from the road.

I want daily entries

on how this guy's dealing

with his condition

and how sex and love change

with age and maturity.

- Thank you.

- And I'm not paying you.

- Cover my expenses?

- No.

Lube? Condoms?

Do not fuck this up.

- What if I nail it?

- Then we'll talk.

- Okay, no.

- I'm sorry.

I love that shirt. Ah!

Your readers are gonna

suck their own dicks!

- Shh!

- Yeah, too much, okay.

Heyo!

You know, we can take

my car if we need to.

No, we're taking my car.

Get in.

Just, it looks like you just

bought that on Craigslist.

I did.

Like a while ago, when

Craigslist just first started.

Yeah, this is Craig's car.

- Oh.

- Get the fuck in.

This doesn't look like it's gonna make

it, the trip, you know?

Well, you better

fucking hurry!

Yeah, I better.

Your

chariot awaits, sir.

Hi, Mr. Brighton,

this is Dr. Kaydan's office,

calling to schedule

your orchiectomy.

We had a cancellation

it looks like

and I can actually get you

on the schedule tomorrow.

So please give us a call

back as soon as you can.

Thank you.

So work was cool with you

just taking off like this?

I played the

cancer card, again.

It's my second time actually.

I do it a third time,

they'll definitely fire me.

- Cause you don't have three balls.

- Exactly, that's why.

- Where are we going exactly?

- Right.

Consider this our Bible.

We're gonna hit

every X on that map.

Except for the Atlanta area,

that was a clusterfuck.

- Literally.

- Whoa!

What?

What's wrong with your face?

- All of these Xs.

- Yeah.

You had sex in

all these places?

Bingo.

I was expecting a lot,

but like I wasn't

expecting this many.

All right, you're either

judging me or underestimating me

and either way

I don't like it.

I'm not judging you,

it's just, I mean?

College wasn't really my thing

and so after high school,

I just took off,

moved around a lot.

Your parents were

cool with that?

Just me and my mom,

and she's got a...

A thing.

Took her a week to

even notice I was gone.

What's this little

mark right here?

Oh, that is our first stop.

- It's at the airport?

- Yeah.

Grab us one of those

back there, would ya?

I...

I mean, is this trip sponsored?

So were you like picking

up a boyfriend or?

Never had one.

So who was this guy?

I don't know, some

flight attendant.

Had terrible breath,

I remember that.

So why'd you

have sex with him?

My flight was delayed.

The... I'm sorry, what?

No, random people don't

just, you know, like...

Men aren't that complicated.

If you wanna get laid,

you just walk up and you ask them.

No, can't be that easy.

- Just come on.

- Okay.

This feels so wrong.

- Why are you whispering?

- I don't know.

All right, come on,

let's do this.

I was in one of these stalls,

I think it was this one.

Come on!

Oh, wait, I have to pee.

- Okay.

- Ew, you just peed.

Jesus Christ.

Come on.

Wait, what?

You have two,

I'm so confused.

One of 'em's silicone.

You have a nut implant?

They do that?

That's amazing.

Well, thank you for

your stellar review.

Okay, come on.

This is what happened.

- He was sitting here.

- Excuse me.

Some sanitation, please.

Here, princess.

- There you go.

- Thank you.

You know, actually

maybe we should just

like share a meal

first or something.

The more you talk,

the less I want to do this.

Yes or no?

Yes.

Okay, carry me to the sink.

- What?

- That's what happened.

We fucked here and then

he carried me to the sink.

- What if someone comes in?

- Well, then make it quick.

Come on!

Must I do everything?

Okay, go to the sink.

Okay.

Shh.

Someone's coming.

Me.

Back to the stall, go!

- Oh shit, oh shit.

- Oh god!

Oh shit!

Oh shit!

Finally.

You see, Darla,

this is where normal people

usually have sex.

You should look into it.

Feels nice to get

some comfies on.

What,

you're not a PJ person?

I've got a snuggie

if you want.

There's literally

nothing I want less.

You know, there's enough space

on this bed for both of us.

Oh, I'm good.

Oh, you're afraid I'm

gonna put the moves on you?

Night, Bailey.

Whatcha working on

there, stranger?

Uh, nothing.

Just journaling.

Anything about me?

Don't flatter yourself.

Just checking.

You still haven't told me

what kind of writing you do.

Yeah, well, I guess

we still have a lot

to learn about each other.

Gonna get in the shower.

We should probably pack up.

Let's just say on

this next stretch,

I made a lot of friends.

Wait,

so we have to do it

exactly the same way it was,

otherwise it doesn't count?

Whatever happens at X is

what we need to do there.

Penetration, vaginal,

anal, just the tip,

- hand jobs, blow jobs...

- Okay.

Around the back, going down.

I'm very uncomfortable.

I bet you slayed in college.

- Before I got engaged?

- Yeah.

What's your number?

How many people

have you fucked?

We're about to do

a lot of fucking

so I want to know what

I'm working with here.

- Uh, no.

- How about we say it at the same time?

This is childish.

Okay, on the count

of three, ready?

- We don't need to do that.

- One, two...

- Not gonna give a number out to whoever.

- Three.

- It's two!

- 169.

169? Will you please

look at the road?

You've had sex

with two people?

Liz and I were

high school sweethearts.

We went to college together.

Oh, my God. So at least there's

another person, thank God.

Who's the other person?

Me?

I'm number two?

I said we were

high school sweethearts.

I've had sex before,

just always with Liz.

This is the most terrifying

thing that you could ever tell me

other than "Here, smell this

rag" or "I think I love you."

You're terrified?

You're terrified?

Have you seen this map?

- All right.

- All these Xs?

I mean, there's like eight more

Xs before we leave the state.

We're already

in this together,

so I guess I'm just

gonna deal with it.

Nine!

What are you doing?

Don't smoke in the car with me.

- What do mean?

- I've got cancer!

Got some more of these.

I can't look at the map

and drive at the same time.

- Where are we right now?

- Stop doodling. I need you to help me!

- I am, okay.

- I think we're lost.

Get off on 59.

I don't think we're lost.

- Can I help you with anything?

- No. No, no, no.

Okay, I'm just checking.

I'm here for you.

Uh, it's just, must be

the cold or something.

It's not that cold.

Too much?

Okay, okay.

Oh.

You walk into

any place with confidence,

you can have sex in that place.

Or you just wear

a camo shirt

because then

they can't see you.

Exactly, and they're like

"Thank you for your service."

To fucking halfway

across America.

Hmm.

To be honest, I didn't

think you were gonna cut it.

Well, sex can be a

compelling motivator,

especially with you.

Wait a second.

What is this?

- Can you give that back, please?

- Is this me?

It's nothing,

it's just I got bored

- when you were in the bathroom.

- Shit, Bailey.

I saw you sketching before but I

didn't realize I was shagging Picasso.

I'm more of a Shepard Fairey,

Robin Velghe kind of guy.

You're in deep

with this shit.

Did you go to art school?

Yeah, right.

Father would've disowned me.

Yeah...

If I hadn't followed

Liz to Atlanta,

I probably would've been

running one of his gyms by now.

And instead you're slumming

it at someone else's.

- Nice.

- Yeah.

I mean, what else am I gonna do?

This, you should do this.

It's sexy.

Are you feeling any better?

The therapy stuff, is any

of this actually helping?

Yeah.

Yes, it is helping,

thank you for asking.

And you? You wanted to get laid.

We've been doing a lot of that.

Oh, careful what you wish for.

Maybe your list can

fit on a few of these now

and maybe soon

after your surgery,

you'll be able to conquer

a whole paper towel.

I'm not sure I'm gonna

go through with that.

I didn't realize

that was optional.

Well, it's just kinda

not loving the idea

of becoming a eunuch.

Maybe I just might

take my chances.

Yeah, I hear that

works out really well for

people who take their chances

with life-threatening diseases.

Hey, can we not

talk about this?

Yeah, sorry.

I get it, you're anxious.

Is that why you've been

having issues lately,

getting full mast?

Oh, no.

- Are you talking about the bus?

- Talking about your penis.

- Actually, that's very normal.

- It's normal?

- You know how long we've been going at it...

- A doctor.

- My equipment works fine, all right?

- I know.

You're smiling.

Look, all right,

I'll prove it, okay?

Where's next?

Oh, see, look, look.

We skipped a spot.

We'll just circle back 60 miles.

- No, we don't need to go back.

- No, no skipping.

We'll just like turn

around tomorrow morning.

We have so many

more places to go,

so we should just get a move

on and go to those places.

Yeah, but we've hit

every X before this one.

Why all of a sudden are you

so fine with missing one?

Just because we're

skipping a spot

doesn't put the whole

trip in jeopardy.

Why are you so willing to skip steps?

What about step eight?

Step eight of 12.

You can't just like skip steps.

Otherwise you're just standing still.

It's not an escalator

that's gonna carry you up

through the steps.

And guess what? Even on an escalator,

the steps come back around.

- You can't just like skip them.

- Fine, we will go.

- Whatever.

- All right.

Oh, like right now?

Generous tip.

Thank you.

Check the mailbox.

I can't believe

he still lives here.

I'm gonna scope it out.

Wait here.

I don't care.

Shh!

Jesus.

Why am I doing this?

What am I doing?

- Shut up.

- Shh. You shut up.

I can hear you.

If I can hear you, everyone can hear you.

No one's crazier than me.

Why am I doing this?

Shh, shh.

Oh, my God.

Coast is clear.

I checked all the windows,

nobody's home.

Let's do this.

So are we going in

through the chimney or?

I remember

where the hide-a-key is.

So moody,

it's like a cave in here.

Look at all these brochures.

Look, they must be

on vacation.

Oh, Hawaii, nice.

All right, so ready

to go down by the door,

out here and the bedroom

knowing you?

Kitchen.

Kitchen, okay.

Okay, I've made an assessment

and knowing you,

I think I hit the jackpot.

Counter, right?

I was there.

So close.

I should get points

for trying at least.

Just different counters.

Are you okay?

She was there.

Who?

The wife.

The wife from the picture.

She was standing there

before she ran out.

I did this to her.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Hey.

Don't touch me.

I'm sorry, I just...

I just don't know

what's happening.

Nothing's happening.

Nothing's happening,

I didn't even know this guy.

You don't have to

tell me if you don't...

I'm not... I'll tell you.

I don't care.

I met him at a bar.

He said his wife

was out of town.

And when she walked in...

no one has ever

looked at me like that.

And I was just sitting

there with my legs open,

just staring at her.

And I knew I had done something fucked

up, but I didn't know what to do.

And she left bawling in her car

and he went out after her.

And you wanna know

the fucked up thing?

The most fucked up part is

that I remember thinking

I didn't even get off.

She didn't even make it a mile.

She ran a red light,

got hit by a truck.

And when I passed in the cab,

the ambulance was already there.

And I just passed on by them.

I heard that they were still

together and that she was fine.

I didn't know that...

That she's in a wheelchair.

- I'm... I'm so sorry.

- Don't... apologize to me.

You don't think

I knew what I was doing?

You don't think that I saw

his fucking wedding ring?

I knew what I was doing.

You can't blame yourself.

Of course I fucking can.

I... This was just

me getting laid.

I destroyed these

people's lives,

I destroyed this family.

Well, I mean,

he shouldn't have been

fucking around with you.

If it wasn't for me, these kids would

be able to have a mom who isn't...

Look, yes.

You fucked up, okay?

But this,

this isn't your fault.

You don't know shit.

Oh, you're alive.

Where are we?

This is Dallas.

It's my parents' house.

Welcome.

- No.

- It's part of the deal, remember?

I thought you were joking.

Nope.

In fact, I kinda need you to

pretend to be my girlfriend.

That's weird. Yeah, no,

I know that's weird.

But my parents think

I'm a mess right now,

so I really could use your

help getting them off my back,

so if that's cool with you.

If you're cool, I'm cool.

Great.

I'll see you in the house.

I'm gonna drive away.

I'm definitely driving away.

I'm gonna drive away.

I can just drive away.

Definitely driving away.

Dinner's delicious, Mom.

Thank you, son.

As always,

looks and cooks.

Have you ever met a woman that

could whip up a spread like this?

I was raised on microwave

dinners and canned food,

but, thank you, I've known a

few attractive cooks in my day.

Darla, is that your car

parked in front of the house?

Mm-hmm. I kidnapped your son

for a tour of debauchery.

Therapy.

It's a therapy tour.

That's actually how we met,

it's a cancer thing.

Oh dear.

You're a patient too?

Yes. It's my breasts,

they're toast.

As fake as they come.

Oh.

Oh, see, I can spill

mashed potatoes on 'em

and can't feel a thing.

Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

Can't feel a thing.

I've read about this,

chemo brain?

- Oh, no, Darla's very healthy.

- Oh.

We both are.

Never better.

What did the doctor say?

Uh, Yeah, I just had

a checkup actually.

All clear.

Yeah, work's great too.

It's like a lot of new

clients, gym's very busy.

Well, your father's opening

was a huge success.

You know, we've been

thinking about expanding.

To Georgia.

Maybe we can make this

a family business.

Be so good for you, son,

when you're ready

to start a family?

I think he could really make some

money with those drawing skills.

I think he could be

the next Shepherd's Pie.

- Fairey.

- Fairey.

- Shepard Fairey.

- Whatever.

Bailey understands that

drawing is not a career,

it's a hobby.

Well, you could say the

same thing about fitness.

And what exactly

do you do, Darla?

Mm? Oh, me.

I'm a writer.

For a magazine,

a very famous magazine.

It's very famous.

And we hire artists

like him all the time.

- Huh.

- Which one?

- Which one?

- Mm-hmm.

Um...

What a question.

I don't think you've heard of it probably.

Oh, I'm sure we have.

We read all the big ones,

what, Men's Fitness,

Men's Health, Men's Journal.

Seems to be a theme going on.

My husband likes to stay

current with the industry.

Well, my industry is more of

like a women also exist... thing.

How long have you two

been dating?

- Only a few weeks.

- Months.

- Months!

- Few months.

Months, weeks, hard to tell.

'Cause we're having

so much fun.

Well, Bailey's mother and I dated

for 10 years before we married.

- We were high school sweethearts.

- Mm-hmm.

And speaking of,

Liz flew into town.

I'm sure she's gonna be

very happy to see you.

- Liz is here.

- Mm-hmm.

- Hm.

- Oh, she is?

Bailey, I told you last week when I

texted you those messages that you...

Oh, I think we're just so

tired from the drive here.

- Wow.

- I think I'm just gonna hit the hay.

So what time should we be

ready for the party tomorrow?

I thought this would be

more of a family thing.

No. Liz.

D-Darla's coming, right?

Yeah, I'm coming.

I can't wait to talk

more about my cancer

and our... loving relationship.

Son, please make sure

that you show Darla

the guest bedroom.

Yes, Mom.

Hey.

- Hey.

- Oh, wow.

Holy shit.

You didn't tell me you grew

up in "The Wonder Years."

I'm sorry about them.

Yeah. I mean,

one dinner with your parents

and I'm surprised you're

not a full serial killer.

You did go

a bit pathological though.

It's just so frustrating.

I just wanted to get

my mind off of this,

but like what if it's worse?

You know, what if

it's spreading?

You're gonna be fine.

You don't know that.

It's not like I'm ever

gonna have a family.

And even if I did, I couldn't get

up without a testosterone injection.

This... This is it for me.

Jesus, don't you think you're

being just a little dramatic?

Okay, let's say that I managed

to get a second date, huh?

What happens when my

fake balls come out?

Who's gonna want that?

First off, balls stay in the

pants until they're invited out.

- Agreed.

- Second, chicks don't care about balls.

And also, that is such

a double standard.

Since when has a guy ever turned

down a girl with fake tits?

Never. Literally,

it's never happened.

I guess you'd know,

right, breast cancer?

Yes. Yeah, no thanks to you.

Maybe you should follow

suit, get some upgrades.

Old grapefruits swinging

from your branch.

Maybe it'll be your

foray into porno stardom.

- Mm-hmm.

- Uh-huh.

- What's your porn star name?

- I... W-What?

Your porn star name.

It's the name

of your first pet

and the street

you grew up on.

- Oh.

- Oh, it's good, what is it?

It is.

What is it?

Uh...

It's Waggy Beansack.

- Waggy Beansack?

- This is Beansack.

I've been hanging

out on Beansack?

And Waggy was

my dog, rest in peace.

Oh, my God.

All right, your turn.

We're in your hometown.

Let's cross off

some of your spots.

- Oh, no, no, no, no.

- If it didn't happen here,

then where did the

deflowering take place?

If you could please stop referring

to my virginity as a flower?

Sure.

All right, where did you

get drunk for the first time

or buy your first pack of

cigarettes or lit something on fire?

We are so different.

Whatever we do,

just get me out of here

because your parents

scare the shit out of me.

It's right here

on the right.

Where are we going?

Yeah,

just right here.

Oh, okay.

Just right here.

You can stop.

I got it.

Yep, here it is.

This is where

the magic happened.

This cow pasture?

No, this is Liz's house.

Her parents still

live here actually.

Oh, great.

Let's go.

What? No.

No, no!

What? What are you...

Hey!

Oh, my God. I know.

Jesus Christ.

- Is that her?

- Yeah, what are you doing?

I showed you

my dirty laundry.

I want to see where

your cherry got popped.

Well, here it is.

Can we go now?

No. Okay.

- Now's our chance.

- For what?

Come on.

What are you doing?

- Going inside.

- Don't do it.

Don't!

Stop it, stop it.

Stop that.

Absolutely not.

Oh. Liz's parents

could be inside.

Yeah, I know.

Great, I'll just

ring the doorbell

and it'll be like "Oh, baby,

what are you doing here

in the middle of the night

with this gorgeous creature?"

Is she a Dickens character?

And you'll be like,

"Oh, hey, Liz's mom.

- It's just me, Bailey."

- That's supposed to be me?

"And I'm here to fuck

this amazing creature

- in your daughter's bed."

- All right, let's just...

Just a little bit

of this.

- Stop doing this.

- A little bit of this.

- Okay, stop doing this.

- Okay.

All right, fine,

we'll go inside

and just promise me

you'll be quiet.

- Yeah, like a little baby mouse.

- Okay.

Very small.

It's so easy.

It's too easy.

No alarm system.

Why are you so

low to the ground?

Right here on the

left, that's where we did it.

Oh, okay.

- Oh, my God.

- Shh, shh, shh.

Holy shit!

Did you lose your virginity

to someone's nana?

I remember it as

much less creepy.

I can't see how

that's possible.

What is that smell?

What, have you never

smelled potpourri before?

Only in regular doses.

I didn't try to kill anyone with it.

Ha ha ha.

- Ah!

- Shh.

I thought that was going to be

a lot softer than it was.

Liz's parents are,

like, right next door.

- Who's this?

- That's Mr. Wizzlebiz.

Leave it alone.

Sorry.

- Is this how you did it?

- Wait, wait.

- What?

- Just stop.

What?

If we're gonna

recreate my experience,

we're gonna do it my way, okay?

Okay.

I'll just lay here like Liz

and do nothing.

Liz didn't just

do nothing, okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm sure she

was an animal in bed.

Speaking of which, there are a lot

of animals staring at me right now.

- Just ignore the wildlife, Liz.

- All right, fine.

- Darla.

- I'm sorry.

You're so serious

about this.

I was serious then.

I'm sorry, I'm serious.

I'm taking this seriously.

Trust me, okay?

You suck at this.

Let's do your shirt.

Is this okay?

Let's go.

Ow!

Sorry.

Go, go, go, go.

You know

what I was thinking?

Maybe we don't have

to go to this thing.

No.

I mean, you said

you wanted to go

and it's gonna be weird,

so fuck it.

Let's have a good time.

Right, but let me warn you,

this is a little bit of

a boring crowd, you know?

I figured.

What do you want me to wear

to this little shindig?

I was gonna ask you to wear something

a little bit more conservative.

- Gross.

- Yeah, but fuck it, wear what you wanna wear, you know?

Just go balls-out.

- Good pun.

- Yeah. Ooh.

- Hitting the shower.

- Okay.

- So is this a costume party now?

- What?

Seriously, why did you dress

me up like a pastor's daughter?

You look fine.

I look like your

English professor.

Don't be silly, come on.

Why is

this house so big?

Because

people live in it.

Hello, darling.

How are you?

We brought a gift.

- Thank you.

- Congratulations.

Congratulations.

Oh, of course.

Hi. Congratulations,

nice to see you.

Thank you.

So this is what it looks

like in broad daylight.

- Are you okay?

- I'm fine.

Here.

Thanks.

She's not gonna jump

out of the fucking cake.

- Who?

- Who?

Really subtle.

You're giving me whiplash.

I thought we were

gonna have fun.

What is going on

with you?

What's going on

with you, hm?

How's therapy lately?

Sure are journaling

a lot recently.

It's fine.

It's fine.

Did your mom

pick out your outfit?

What the fuck

are you doing?

Bailey.

Hey, Liz.

Didn't even see you there.

Yeah, I was surprised to

hear you're back in town.

Yeah,

just passing through.

From Atlanta?

Yeah, just you know,

had to get some time away

to reassess things.

Some time apart kinda

helped me to put things

back into perspective.

Wow, you've done

all this growth in,

like, the past two weeks?

Yeah.

Amazing, isn't it?

How about you?

What've you been up to?

Oh, you know, the usual.

Just trying to temper my

parents' absurd expectations.

Tell me about it.

And I think we got

robbed last night.

- What?

- Yeah.

I'm not sure

because nothing was stolen,

but clearly someone had,

like, snooped in my room.

I don't know what kind

of weirdo would do that.

Hi, I'm Darla, by the way.

- Oh, yes, this is Darla...

- Yeah.

...my girlfriend.

Yeah, I heard you guys had

been dating for a few months.

I don't know how I missed that.

You look so much

prettier in person.

I'm sorry, what?

Well, I've seen Bailey's

posts about you guys.

- Posts, what posts?

- Isn't she funny?

Well, I'm so happy

for you, Bails.

Seems like you're

doing really well.

Well, you know, I guess

I have you to thank.

I mean, if we didn't

have that talk,

who knows, maybe I never

would have met Darla here.

- Mm.

- Ow.

- You okay, babe?

- Yeah, babe.

You're squeezing me

like a fucking bird.

Sorry. Just can't seem to keep my

hands off this one when she's around.

Mm! Oh, wow.

Can we talk for a second?

- Mm-hmm.

- Be right back.

Okay.

- What the fuck are you doing?

- What do you mean?

Are you seriously posting pictures

of us to make her jealous?

Hey, Bailey,

is everything okay?

Take a seat, Jumpsuit.

Do not be rude to her.

You don't talk to her

like that.

- Seriously?

- Keep your voice down.

Who are you right now?

I read your blog.

- What blog?

- What blog?

It's on the fucking Internet.

Did you really think

I wasn't gonna find it?

Well, you know what,

I'm glad I did.

Otherwise I never would've known that

this whole thing's a fucking lie.

You're just using me to be

the john in your sex column.

My favorite piece, I think,

was the chef's one.

Yeah, real clever title.

Uh, "Eating Out?"

Ew... scholarly.

So what? I write about sex.

I told you I was a writer.

Yeah, but I thought you meant like

novels and stuff, like not like smut.

You could have googled me,

that's on you.

You know,

my cancer is private.

- As is my sex life.

- What sex life?

I am your sex life,

which obviously you were just

using to fix your broken libido.

You didn't make it

difficult on me, did you?

Which hasn't been a problem

for you up until now, has it?

That was before I knew

I was dealing with a sl...

What?

Go ahead and say it.

Call me a slut.

I didn't have to.

Bailey?

You gonna tell them

or should I?

Wow.

You're not gonna tell them.

You're pathetic.

You're fucking miserable,

you have a miserable job,

your life is going nowhere,

and you're chasing some

Southern Living fantasy and why?

She doesn't even want you

because she already knows what's

so obvious to the both of us

that no matter what is in your

pants, you'll never be a real man.

At least I know what it

feels like to be loved.

Got it.

Enjoy the rest of your party

with your real girlfriend.

Come on!

Whatever you're

looking for in there,

it's probably easier to find

it if the glass were empty.

Something wrong?

Get out.

I said get out!

- Jesus.

- Get the fuck out!

Jesus.

Hey.

Mind if I join you?

Well, I can't promise I'm not gonna

do something else wildly embarrassing.

Oh, I was hoping you would.

Hungry? Your mom said

you haven't eaten yet.

Oh, so you came here

to feed me?

I just wanted to

check in on you.

Am I still allowed to do that?

So, um... what was your

deal with her anyway?

Were you guys like

actually dating or?

I kinda started to

think that we... No.

Uh, it was stupid.

I mean, I understand.

It makes sense that you wanna have

fun with someone who isn't me.

I guess I just didn't expect you

to go all the way off the deep end.

Oh, come on.

Things aren't that bad.

I mean, yes, they didn't

turn out as expected,

but... we're still here.

If teenage me knew that 30 me would

still be sitting at this desk,

you know, just hiding out

in this room,

just as unsure about what

I want to do with my life

as like I was ever.

I don't know.

Maybe I would have

done stuff differently.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

You know, you've

gone through a lot.

Look, I know

that I shut you out

and I'm sorry about that.

I thought some time apart

for us would be good.

You know, we haven't

had that, like, ever.

And I wanted to talk

to you about this stuff

but then you got sick

and you needed me.

You know, I've always

taken care of you,

but I don't even know

who I am outside of us.

You know?

I wanted to date to make sure

that we were making

the right decision.

And I admit, it's selfish,

but being here with our

totally crazy parents

and seeing you go through

this all on your own...

I don't know.

I still love you, Bailey.

I found another lump.

- Wait, what?

- It's small, but I had some tests.

Yeah.

They caught it early

and they have to remove it.

Like, the rest of it.

Well, if it's that serious,

then you shouldn't be here.

You should be getting

the procedure.

- I mean, what if it's...

- I know.

I just...

I need time to process it.

Okay.

Do your parents know?

No.

They don't need that again.

Well, we'll figure

this out, okay?

I like the

horsepower underneath.

No pun intended.

Mom?

Stop it.

Mom.

Little bean!

You made it!

Oh, my God!

You okay?

You must be starving,

come join us.

I'm okay.

Who's this?

Bill was helping me

paint the porch yesterday.

I invited him to stay over so we

could get to know each other better.

You don't need any help

painting the porch, Mom.

Sit, sit!

Is it just you?

Where is that stud you've been

dragging across the country?

I've been reading about

you two's shenanigans.

- Yeah, that wasn't a thing.

- Well, never is.

Bill and I are

going out tonight.

You totally have to

tear it up with us.

No, I have a lot of work to do and

I'm not gonna be here very long, so.

Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh.

You do not get to be a drag.

No, I'm just

gonna go to my room.

No, come on,

come out with us!

He doesn't bite.

Hard.

So what time do

you two fly out?

10:00 a.m. tomorrow.

And thank you again

for getting Bailey and I

on the same flight,

that was very nice of you.

You're welcome.

Yeah, I just think

it's a good idea

for Bailey not to

be alone right now.

Is everything

all right, Bailey?

Yeah, no, everything's fine.

Are you sure

everything's fine?

Mm-hmm.

- Liz?

- Well...

Don't ask her.

I said everything's fine, okay?

Okay.

I just meant that we're

all here for you right now,

to help you.

- Are you?

- Yes.

And when we go home, I'm gonna

be there to support you.

With what exactly?

Don't you think

we should tell them?

Tell us what?

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...

Bailey found another lump

and the doctor said

that it's cancerous.

What?

How can that be?

I thought they

replaced, you know.

I mean, it's not

the same testicle, Mom.

Honey.

You said that

everything was fine.

'Cause everything is fine.

Ron, we're going back

to Atlanta with him.

He needs us to take care of

him, Liz can't do that on...

No one needs to

take care of me!

Look, I didn't ask for help

because I don't need help.

And frankly, Liz,

that wasn't yours to share.

You're right.

I'm... I'm sorry.

I just, you know, I haven't

been there for you recently

and I... I didn't want to

mess that up again.

Everything'll be fine.

Mom?

Little bean.

What are you doing up?

Where you been all day?

What are you,

my parole officer?

I'm leaving tomorrow,

remember?

Oh, yeah.

Right.

Um, if you're flying,

you need to tow that eyesore

off my curb first.

I was hoping that you

would help me fix it.

Well, I do know my way

around an engine.

- You gonna be up that early?

- Yeah, probably not.

Just call the guys

down at Mario's.

Yeah, right, okay.

- What?

- Nothing.

What's wrong now?

I thought that...

I don't know what I thought.

I, um...

I just haven't been

home in a while.

Whose fault is that?

Mom.

This sucks.

Mom, um... I know

that I'm not easy...

- and you're not easy either.

- Jesus.

But I know

that's not your fault

and I think...

there might be something

wrong with me.

And I don't really

understand what it is...

but I think I might

have a problem.

Honey, we all have problems.

No, Mom. Um...

I've been going to

this group lately, this...

At first I didn't even

take it seriously

and I thought it was stupid.

But I think that maybe...

and I think that you should

find something similar.

It's for addicts.

It's for sex and love addicts.

Honey.

Those groups are

for men making excuses

about philandering

and shaming women

for being just as

sexual as they are.

But you are a liberated woman

and you don't care

what people think

and you are not

ashamed of what you do.

And that's... That is one of the

things I love most about you.

Probably because

I taught it to you.

That's not me.

Since when?

Good night, Mom.

Hey, Liz, what's

your porn star name?

What?

You know, like,

the name of your first pet

and the street

you grew up on?

Why would you ask me that?

It's a game. It's fun.

It's not funny, Bailey.

It's just weird.

What are you doing?

Our Uber's here, let's go.

I'm not going with you.

What, why?

Liz, I missed you.

Like, hanging out this

weekend with our parents,

I miss that too.

But... it kinda sucked.

You know, like all of it.

Um, okay.

Liz, when you left,

I thought it was because I had cancer.

Like, me getting sick

had broken us down,

maybe like you

weren't attracted to me?

But I understand.

I don't wanna be together

just because it's easier

than being alone,

you know, like...

So you just don't want

to be with me anymore.

I mean, did we

get back together?

I thought so.

I mean, I want to.

Do you?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think so.

Liz, I think what we want

is the idea of us.

But we're not those

same kids anymore

and that's okay.

Are you sure that

this is what you want,

with everything that's going on?

Yeah.

Does this mean that you're gonna

stop stalking me on Instagram?

- I'll cut back.

- Yeah?

- I'll cut back on it.

- You gotta slowly wean it away.

- Yeah, exactly.

- We have to walk to the same spot,

so you can just bring my bags.

- All right, that's a deal.

- Yeah.

Yeah, I'm not gonna cold turkey

stop Instagram stalking you.

No, I mean, of course not,

my pics are lit. Why would you?

You can see what

orange wine guy's up to.

- Oh.

- Is his name like Arman?

It is Arman!

What are you doing?

If I were you,

I would junk this thing

for whatever scraps

are still worth a damn.

It still might get you home,

if that's where you're headed.

Yeah, I don't know

where I'm headed anymore.

Yeah, I've heard that before.

You know, I was thinking...

the funny thing

about being a mom

is whenever something new

happens with your kid,

it's your first

chance to figure out

what the hell you're

supposed to do about it.

And when you only have one...

you only get one chance.

I know you got places to go,

but I could make us

some breakfast

if you're not in

too much of a hurry.

Yeah. I'd like that.

Okay.

She said she didn't

want to burden me with it

because my operation

had gone well

and my cell count had improved.

I mean, she was there by my side

throughout all of this.

So I just don't understand

why she would hide it from me.

I'm sorry.

Everyone has a different way

of processing their diagnosis.

But the important thing

is that we're patient.

Does anyone else have anything

they want to add to that?

Molly, would you like to share?

I do.

As in, I think I have

something to add to that.

Okay.

And I'm definitely in

the right room this time,

I know that,

and I'm definitely sober.

I think. Yes.

Um, it's just that Molly's

been waiting for a while.

Is it okay if Bailey goes first?

Clearly I have all

the time in the world.

Yeah, great. If that's okay

with, I mean, I'll be so quick.

Okay, thank you.

Hi, everyone.

Uh, I guess I've been so

reluctant to share recently...

because I've been scared,

you know.

Even with something not

as life-threatening as TC,

I've been afraid to, like,

face a second diagnosis.

Which I guess is why

a couple weeks ago,

I went on this crazy road trip.

I don't know, maybe I was

trying to distract myself

from, like, all this, you know.

But the person that

I end up going with,

she turned out to

be really cool. Yeah.

She wasn't grossed out...

and she wasn't

even like sympathetic, you know?

Like she just made

me feel normal.

And... I used her, you know?

And like an asshole,

I shamed her.

She made me feel better

and I screwed it up.

So tomorrow is my

second orchiectomy

and I feel like shit about it.

And I'm still terrified.

But also, I feel...

like I can handle it.

Thank you for sharing.

And I bet if you

told your friend

what you just shared with us,

the two of you

could work it out.

Molly, thank you

for being so patient.

- Would you like to share now?

- Sure.

Uh, basically I've just

been feeling like...

- Actually, can I jump in here?

- Seriously?

Oh, we're just in the

middle of something.

- If you just... If you want to take a seat.

- Sorry, I just feel

like my story has a lot

in common with Bailey's.

Hi, I'm Darla.

And I'm new, obviously.

And... I have breast

cancer apparently.

Weirdly enough,

I, too, went on a trip,

a trip that I lied about needing

for therapeutic purposes.

Not about my boob stuff,

about something else.

Something that I always

thought made me exciting

and good at my job

and in control.

But the guy that I was with made me

realize that maybe I had a problem.

And that's really scary,

finding out that

you might have a problem

and you don't know how

to fix it right away.

But this guy was

really cool about it.

And for the first time ever,

I trusted somebody.

And then I did something

really shitty to him.

And normally

I wouldn't really care

because I don't usually

like most people...

but this guy wasn't

like most people.

So...

Anyway, I don't really know...

What I'm trying to say is...

fuck cancer.

Am I right?

Yeah.

Thank you for that, Darla.

And welcome to the circle.

Molly, would you

like to share now?

Are you sure?

Does anybody else have any...

It sounds like you were

an asshole to this guy.

- Oh, come on!

- I mean, yes, I was an asshole,

but he was kind of a dick.

For the record,

I think you're both dicks.

You know,

my surgery is tomorrow.

Things are gonna

be different after.

- I know.

- You two know each other?

I guess if you're gonna

be serious about recovery,

- you probably shouldn't...

- Not for a while.

Okay, they know each other.

Yeah, and you probably

need time, right, to...

Probably. Yeah.

Worst timing ever, huh?

Maybe the best?

This is the weirdest

fucking support group.

- No, sorry.

- Yeah, go ahead.

You go ahead, I mean, who cares about us?

We're just blabbing on...

It sounds like a great trip.

Um, I just want to

get back to Molly.

Anyway, we were on this

bench in Amsterdam...

So we decided

to just be friends.

Just for like one year,

which seemed like a

responsible amount of time

for us to, you know,

get our shit together.

I guess after

my blog doubled traffic

to the website, Tanya

offered me my job back.

This place could use

a voice like yours.

This voice.

I...

I can't.

I think I've just

been realizing lately

that maybe this place and

what I've been writing about...

isn't good for me anymore.

It's crazy that she's

not my boss anymore,

but I still use her as

my emergency contact.

I got the new job.

I'm an illustrator for this

new graphic design firm.

I know my parents

still have no idea

how I make money drawing,

but they're coming around.

Well, I've been

working on something.

It's mostly about me

and the stupid shit

that I've done,

but it's also about my mom,

because there's

a lot to unpack there.

And yeah, a lot of it

is about sex.

But a lot of it isn't.

And somehow, I managed to get

an advance from a publisher.

Liz still

checks in on me

but I took her advice.

I've been hanging out

with other people.

We've been

seeing each other a lot.

I mean, platonically.

It's been nice having

someone to share things with.

Especially during

the hard times.

Hey.

What's wrong?

What'd they say?

Stop it!

And the good ones.

And today marks

one year since my surgery.

And after chemo, I am

officially in remission.

Plus the sperm I banked before my

first orchiectomy is still good,

so my mother

hasn't disowned me.

And also, I don't

have to use condoms, so...

I mean, okay, but still like,

we'll use protection, I think.

It's like the over...

- 'cause there's like a million strains of...

- I got it.

I did the banana thing

in health class.

Good, they're still doing that.

Good.

I mean, I still struggle,

especially with

not watching porn.

That was a big one for me.

I miss getting attention.

I miss the validation

that came from

getting attention,

but I know that's

not worth it now.

Because I know now that's not

what any of this is really about.

I had to take a long good look

at what was under my hood.

And with the help of my sponsor,

this feels pretty cool.

I mean, it's not

as good as sex, but...

It'll do.

- I will see you later.

- Yeah.

Thank you.

See ya.

That was cool, Darla.

Congrats.

Thanks, Rob.

Well, if it isn't Ms. Kelly.

Ah, it's the hall monitor again.

You know, you can't

smoke those in here.

Oh yeah,

someone told me that once.

One addiction at a time.

A whole year, huh?

Yeah.

So, would you like to go

to dinner with me tonight?

Like on a date?

- Mm.

- Hmm, lucky for you, I just became available.

So, where you wanna go?

I don't know,

where do people go on dates?

I haven't been

on a date since high school.

I don't think I've

been on a date ever.

- Eh?

- We'll figure it out.