Hook, Line and Sinker (1969) - full transcript

A man (Jerry Lewis) is told by his doctor (Peter Lawford), and best friend, that he has a terminal illness. At his wife's urging, he lives life to the fullest, racking up insurmountable debts. When the damage is done, his friend the doctor tells him that he's not dying. Unfortunately, his life will eventually be ruined by his actions. So, they decide to stage his death so that his wife and family will not have to suffer for what he's done. Lewis eventually discovers that his friend, the doctor, set the entire scenario up so that he could get Lewis' wife.

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(INAUDIBLE)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Uh, what'd he say?

I said, "With luck, you will tell us
how this incredible condition occurred."

Oh, yeah, sure thing. I'll
be glad to let you know.

But let's get this over with
first. I can tell you later, huh?

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(ALL PROTESTING)

What? What?

(SIGHS) Well, they insist, in
the interest of medical science,

that you tell us now.



Yeah. Okay.

I might as well
start at the beginning.

My name is Dobbs. Fred C. Dobbs.

I own and operate a fishing
charter boat out of Boca Negra, Chile.

Oh, Karlotta! Oh, Karlotta!

Help, Karlotta!

Help, Karlotta, help!

(EXCLAIMS)

Help, Karlotta!

Help!

Help me!

Help me!

Let me get in there.

(LAUGHING) I'm very ticklish.



Help! Help! Help, Karlotta!

Well, not all my charters
ended up that way.

Well, anyhow, there I was,
two weeks short of 40,

made my last installment payment
on my 50-foot twin diesel beauty,

and I was having a ball.

But things weren't
always that good.

Last year

things were lousy.

Morning, dear.

Hi, Pop!

(TOOTHBRUSH WHIRRING)

(SHOWER RUNNING)

Good morning, Daddy dear.

(FRED COUGHING)

Nancy!

(GROWLING)

PETER: Here it is, the little old
money-maker, Granite Life and Casualty.

"Firm as a rock,”
and just as friendly.

But it was my home
away from home.

Five days a week, 9:00 to 5:00
every week, 50 weeks a year.

And each day of each week, my
office... Huh! An office, I called it.

My office got smaller
and smaller and smaller,

and all because of pressure.

I hated the phone, but I
had to make my daily calls.

Even though people
I called were never in.

And when they did return
my calls, they weren't in.

And, ah, yes, my secretary.

Did I have a secretary!

A 99 and 44 one-hundredths
percent pure winner.

She had to have studied
with the Baltimore Colts.

And no matter how hard I prayed
each day, she still showed up.

How can I explain how
frustrated she made me?

I know. Did you ever try putting
an oyster in a parking meter?

At last, fresh air.

Well, that's the way it was.

Monday through Friday, as well as
Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.

Same old routine every day.

But at least Saturday was worse.

(BARKING)

Hey, knock it off!
We're trying to sleep here!

Every time you come, you
knock over the kid with a bike!

You ding-a-ling dummy, you!

(CHITTERING)

Oh, you would, would you?

(CHITTERING)

(BUBBLING)

JENNIFER: Here, Sam. Here,
Sam. JIMMY: Come on, Sam.

Come here, Sam. Come on, Sam.

Come on, Sam. Here, Sam.

Pete, that silly old sink
is stopped up again.

(SIGHS)

(COUGHING)

Lousy stopped-up sink.

I was just going to do that.

(BUBBLING)

(GRUMBLING)

TV ANNOUNCER: Well, it looks like they're
bringing in a pinch-hitter for Weiscarver.

With bases loaded, two out,
Pelicans trailing by three runs,

it better be their
big gun. And it is.

They're bringing in Harla-Brew,
and if anyone can do it, Big Jim can.

He stands up to the plate,
Swanson rubs the ball, and he's ready.

He's on the mound, gets the signal
from Tacheberry, and here's the pitch...

(WOMAN LAUGHING ON TV)

(HONKING)

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

(CLAPPING ON TV)

ANNOUNCER: ...by far the longest ball I've
ever seen in all my years in baseball!

So that makes it
a four to three ballgame,

thanks to Big Jim
Harla-Brew,

and to the most exciting
grand-slam homer of all time!

(CHANNELS CHANGING)

TV ANNOUNCER 2: Tune in again
tomorrow for another exciting edition

of the fun show,
Date Your Ex-Wife.

Nancy!

(CHANNELS CHANGING)

Ah-ha! You got the remotes.

We were only playing.

Pete, do you mind if I take the
children to the market with me?

No, as a matter of fact, they
could use some air. Sure. Fine.

Take them out. NANCY: Okay.

Take, take them right with
you, dear. See you later.

Sell 'em.

(GROWLING)

Why can't you do your chores first
and then play Old Man and the Sea?

But, honey, you don't
understand... Oh, never mind.

Just bring in the groceries.

But don't you want to
help me, uh, pull...

(BARKING)

Oh, Sam. All right,
all right. Good boy.

Jennifer, Jimmy, get off of
that bed! And straighten it up.

Here, dear.

Oh, thank you, honey.

You know, I hate going tonight.

You're not alone.

Well, let's not.
I hate Larry Heath.

Larry Heath hates you worse
and he came to our barbeque party.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

That's the baby-sitter.

I'll be right down, dear.

(EXHALES)

Hi, Mrs. Hardtack.
Hi, Mrs. Hardtack.

Hi. Good evening, Mrs. Hardtack.

Put your shoes on.

Pete, hurry up!

PETER: In a minute.

We're only gonna
be gone until midnight.

Uh-huh.

Can we watch a Western tonight?

We don't want any old
Western. Yes, we do.

Do not! You'll
watch what I watch.

TV ANNOUNCER: ...first in a
series of major motion pictures.

I left the phone number and
address right here, just in case.

Mmm-hmm. Well, I'll call you if
anything happens, just in case.

Hi, Mrs. Hardtack.
Good night, Jennifer.

Good night. Good night, Jimmy.

Good night, Mommy.
Good night, Jenny.

Good night, Jimmy. Don't forget
to bring us home something.

(SHOUTING) Would
you please cool it?

TV ANNOUNCER: ...all brought
to you by Dr. Liston, Credit Dentist.

Fill now, pay later. And now
for our film, They Dare Not Love,

starring George Brent
and Roddy McDowall.

Presented by Ron
Mangiacavallo, Lincoln Mercury.

MAN: Furthermore, Helen,
we have to be adults about this.

No matter how hard it becomes.
WOMAN: I know that, Jeff.

But each day seems to
bring more and more hardship.

Just how much can a mother bear?

Now, there you go again. Only thinking
of yourself. Hello, Mrs. Hardtack.

That's nice.

Did everything
go all right? Right.

Did the children go
to bed early? Uh-huh.

Well, good night. Good night.

MAN: I hope so. WOMAN:
Oh, don't be trite, Jeff.

It really isn't becoming.

I don't mean to be trite,

but I do mean to stop you from
the constant, ever-repeating,

"How much can a mother bear?"

Well, why does that
upset you so?

I have a right to have
a mother's feelings.

Well, sure you do, but
wait until we have a kid first.

Well, if you're going to
pick on every little thing...

Hey! I didn't see
the finish yet.

It's getting very late,
Mrs. Hardtack.

It's probably the same
old finish. Boy gets girl.

It was probably the butler who
was the murderer, too. Here you are.

There wasn't any murder.

Well, wait till next week.
Nice seeing you, bye-bye.

(WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE PLAYING)

(SNORING)

(SIGHING)

(GROANING)

Forgive me, Senor, but
you handled that very poorly.

I did? ALL: Oh, si, si.

I would have reversed
the procedure.

Let her pay the baby-sitter. Lock the
door. Forget about the club soda and...

And get into bed first?
Exactamente.

That's exactamente what I did.

And? And...

Help us to overcome
life's pitfalls,

unpredictabilities,

and be more likely
candidates for your gifts.

We're home, Mrs. Hardtack. Oh.

Everything go all right?

Right. Did the children
go to bed early?

Uh-huh.

Good night. Night.

(TV SWITCHES OFF)
Oh, it's late, Mrs. Hardtack.

Yes, kind of late. He's
an awfully nice clergyman.

Oh, isn't he, though? Yeah, he
gives the sweetest good night prayer.

Always puts me to
sleep. Oh, thank you.

Say, that was awful
good candy tonight.

Oh, I'm so glad you liked it.

We'll see you next Saturday.
Bye. Fine. Anytime. Bye.

(HUMMING)

(NANCY SINGING)

(SNORING)

(BABBLING)

Oh, a misfortune, Senor.
A veritable misfortune.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Well, if you think
Saturdays were bad,

let me tell you about Sundays.

(EXHALING)

Is that you, dear?

(BARKING) Good morning,
Mommy. Good morning, Daddy.

Oh. Look out, darling.
Good morning, Sam.

Good morning. Sam, down.

Hello, baby. Down. Sit.

Good morning, Daddy.
Good morning, sweetheart.

Sam. Sam, down Yeah,
good Sam. Wait, Sam.

Lean over...
Could you roll over?

Sam, you're... Most of your
weight is on most of my stuff. Sam.

(EXHALING) That's
the way it goes.

No, don't... Just... Yeah.

Uh, Jennifer, pull...

(PIANO PLAYING)

Jennifer, dear, I want
you to practice the scales.

Yes, Mommy.

That's very good, Jimmy.

Here, dear.

Nancy Ingersoll,

you're a homemaker
extraordinaire.

Perfect wife,

perfect mother,

very attractive,

cheerful, understanding
and very, very practical.

Very.

You balance our
checkbook every month,

you never dent the car fenders.

You buy two for 25
instead of one for 13.

114 dollars and 93 cents to Granite
Life and Casualty every month.

How do you do it?
It's in the budget.

150,000 dollars worth.

And if anything were
to happen to me,

you and the children
would be well provided for.

Well, you can't very
well argue with that.

You're in the business yourself.

You can't very well
argue with anything you do.

You're the top wife of all time.

May the top wife of
all time say something?

Speak.

Are you planning
to go fishing again?

Huh? Are you planning
to go fishing again?

Oh! Oh, uh, yeah,
I was thinking about it.

Well, let's get
one thing straight.

You're the boss,
you're the breadwinner,

you're the head of the family,
and your decision is final.

Now I'm really in trouble.

I hate to point out the
following hard facts to you.

Skip the side dishes
and get to the meat.

These Sunday fishing
excursions of yours are costing us

eight dollars a mackerel.

After they've been filleted
and shrink from cooking,

they assay in at 1.85 an ounce.
That's roughly the price of silver.

Yeah, but the kids love it,
and it's good for them.

They hate it. Don't you, kids?

Yes, Mother! Yes, Mother!

(CHUCKLES) They hate it.

Would you like to know how much
it cost to take them last Sunday?

No. But I'm sure you'll tell me.

It was five dollars for
you on the half-day boat,

2.50 apiece for the kids,

1.75 to rent a pole for Jimmy.

How much did it cost
to replace the dead bait?

Thirty-five dollars?

You're not under oath, but
would you like to try for 50?

Yeah, 50.

That means it was more,
but we'll settle for 50.

I just can't understand how you
let Jennifer toss up her breakfast

in the live bait tank. I mean, the whole
Pacific Ocean was only three feet away.

I was busy removing
a hook from Jimmy's thumb.

7.50 for the tetanus shot.

That's 69 dollars and 25 cents.

I know, honey, but it's good
for me. Look how healthy I am.

That reminds me.
Speaking of healthy,

you have your doctor's appointment
tomorrow morning at 9:00.

(EXCLAIMS)

This testing jazz again. You
know, this makes four times?

I wouldn't be doing it if I
didn't think it was necessary.

All right, Suzy.

Get your clothes on
and come in the office.

(GROANS)

Pete, the heart is a muscle.

It has valves that open
and close to let in the blood.

It's very similar to your car.
Your car engine has valves.

Open, close, open,
close, open, close.

You have an arterial
coronary malfunction.

Look, I've checked,
rechecked and...

And what?

Pete, that's the way
these things happen.

One minute you're fine,
and the next...

Well, isn't there something
you can do? I mean...

Nobody knows as much
about doctor stuff as you do.

I mean, what about the heart
transplant. Isn't that very popular now?

Pete, you don't get a heart
transplant from a Spiegel catalogue.

Maybe later.

Later?

Maybe.

What you need right now
is complete bed rest.

An intensive care setup.
(STUTTERING) For how long?

I really can't tell, not yet.

Well, Scott,
can't you tell me...

(STUTTERING) How
long do I have to live?

Come, sit down. Just sit down.

Well, like I asked you,
how long?

Months.

Months?

Suzy, bring in a couple of Libriums
and a glass of water, please.

Oh, I hate being
a doctor right now.

I'd be very happy to
swap with you right now.

(EXCLAIMS) Those are for me.

Cancel all the appointments
for the rest of the day.

Mrs. Godfrey? All appointments.

(DOOR CLOSING)

You're a lousy friend, pulling
something like this on me.

(DOOR OPENING)

Where are you going?

I'm going home, to break
the tragic news to my wife.

About the terrible thing
I'm doing to my doctor.

(SOBBING)

I'm sure glad you made me
take out that insurance policy.

You and the kids will
never be a public charge.

With 150,000 dollars, that'll
see both kids through college.

And their friends.

(CRYING) Jokes,
Pete? Jokes, now?

I'm sorry.

Where are they going?

To sleep over next door.

Here, honey.

I'll cut expenses all around.

Sell the house,

get an apartment,

probably get a job.

How about you?

How about me? I just
told you how about me.

How are we going
to spend the time?

Oh.

The time I have left?

Well, you know those
one-a-day brand vitamin tablets?

Don't buy the economy size.

And you might as well
cancel my subscription

to the Book-Of-The-Month Club. I'm
gonna have to learn to read short stories.

Do you know what you're
doing to me and the children?

Well, I meant no harm, dear.
It's just that I've never died before.

What was your question? Oh,
yeah, what am I going to do?

(EXHALING) Oh, I don't know.

Probably go down to the
office and clean up things there.

The office? Who cares
about the office?

What has the office ever done
for you, except overwork you?

Pete,

the following words are not the
mouthings of a hysterical woman.

Why don't you go fishing?

Go fishing? Did you
say, "Go fishing"?

I don't mean the half-day boat out
of Malibu Pier, I mean real fishing.

Like you've always wanted.

The Caribbean.
The Mediterranean.

Sure, I'd love to have you here,
especially these last few weeks together.

I've been so selfish about you.

I could kick myself for every
time I've deprived you of fishing.

Oh, Pete, please, get the
best tackle. Fly first-class,

where the fishing's best,
anywhere.

Oh, Granite Life and
Casualty will really love that.

Take a leave of absence.
Eat, fish, drink and be merry.

That's sounds marvelous, honey,
but where am I going to get the money?

Where's your wallet?

Right here.

Granite Life and Casualty,
that's where.

Diners Club, Carte
Blanche, Global Express.

You can sign yourself
onto any airlines.

You can go into any hotel,
any restaurant.

You can buy out
the best men's shops.

You can charter a boat even,
and hire a crew.

You're serious?

Yeah.

You're really serious.

I'm really serious.

Okay, my administrative genius,
what happens when the bills come in?

Pete, sit down.

Peter, just sit down and relax.

Feel all right, dear?
Yeah, I'm fine.

Well, you see, when the
bills come back from overseas,

it'll take at least
two or three months...

Hold it. Hold it, Nancy.
They'll collect it from you.

You're going to have
150,000 big ones.

No. No, because it'll look
as if you deserted us.

You were under
great emotional stress.

Your doctor can testify to that.

You just weren't responsible
for what you were doing.

Granite Life is not about
to take this lying down.

Granite Life doesn't
have much choice.

They spend millions
of dollars every year

saying that they're, "The
insurance company that's all heart."

Now are they going to persecute a
bereaved widow with two small children

just for a few thousand dollars?

It'd be a terrible public image.

Besides, you're only charging it
to Granite, and they owe you a lot.

I don't know, Nancy.

I don't know.

But, Pete, what
have you got to lose?

(SIGHS) Well, she had me there.

(ALL AGREEING)

See, darling? I'm all set.

You've nothing to worry about.

PETER: Nancy,
you think of everything.

(WHISTLING)

Do you take those?

PETER: And this has always
been here? Where have I been?

In suburbia, that's where.

But I'm not there now, and
I plan to take full advantage

of the tropic days, tropic nights,
tropic water and tropic prices,

Carte Blanche style.

(GIGGLING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(SHRIEKING)

(COUGHING)

Help!

Hang on, sir, I'm coming!

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

MAN: Why don't you try
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?

Jolly good idea.

I'm coming around now.
I think a few more.

That last one was... Yeah,
I'm fine now. Thank you.

I'm really fine.

You sure you're all right?
Yes, I'm just fine, thank you.

Fine. Take care. Thank
you. Yes, I appreciated

all your help.

Help!

PETER: Now this was living.
Although the lifeguard wasn't bad.

The guys on the half-day
boat should see me now.

It's exhausting for my
condition, but I feel pretty good.

I think I feel pretty good.
Yeah, I feel okay.

I think I feel okay.

Oh, you have rhythm
most natural, Senor.

(LAUGHS) Thank you very much.
You sure have rhythm yourself.

Well, should be.
I'm dance teacher.

Oh. Oh, you're
the dance teacher.

Si. Oh, I see.

(LATIN MUSIC PLAYING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

PETER: They told me there was
great fishing in Brazil.

And coffee, and fishing,
Cesar Romero, and fishing.

(CHUCKLES)

We will be landing
in Kingston, Jamaica,

in a matter of minutes,
ladies and gentlemen.

Please stay in your seats until we have
been cleared by the Jamaica Immigrations.

Thank you.

(BAND PLAYING CARIBBEAN MUSIC)

May I take your order, please?

(CLEARS THROAT) Oh, yes.

I'll start with
the French Turtle Soup,

then the Caribbean Red Snapper,

Austrian boar garni

and a Pepsi.

Uh, you are on Global Express?

Yes, sir.

Splendid.

(CARIBBEAN MUSIC
CONTINUES PLAYING)

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

(PEOPLE CLAPPING)

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Heart attack?

Heartburn. Just plain heartburn.

Chew on a couple of these
and stay away from the rich food.

Oh. Thank you very
much, Doctor, for coming.

I certainly appreciate it.
Glad to be of help.

Oh, uh, Mr. Bradley, we can put
the doctor's fee on my bill, can't we?

Of course, sir. Will
there be anything else?

No, except, uh,
in case of an emergency,

you can put my funeral
on Carte Blanche, right?

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

It wasn't very funny.
I meant it.

You gave up fishing and
concentrated on dancing?

Not a chance.

I heard there was a huge
school of tuna boiling off of.

Southern Portugal.

Picturesque Portugal,
by the sea.

A beautiful country, with
marvelous, hardworking people,

who work primarily with fish.

A very big fish export.

And if you think fish smells,

wait till you hear
the rest of this story.

It's a dilly.

(LATIN MUSIC PLAYING)

I took over the local pub.

Drinks were on me
and Global Express.

(EXCLAIMS)

Senor, your telephone.

Your call to Los Angeles,
your wife, she no answer, Senor.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Fine. Thank you. Thanks.
She don't answer. Okay.

Miss Freitas, do you really
think I have natural rhythm?

Now just as
a point of information,

do you think Portuguese
brandy is any stronger than ours?

I would assume
it's about the same.

It can't be.

Take my word for it.

(LATIN MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Mmm.

(HICCUPS)

(ALL CHATTERING)

(ALL SHOUTING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Okay, wiseacre,

get ready for a power-packed
contest of superhuman strength.

Hmm-hmm.

CROWD: Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on.

(CROWD SHOUTING ENCOURAGINGLY)

(ALL CHEERING)

You ringer.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Scott... Scotty!

Hello, Pete. Well, what
are you doing here?

Well, I was going...

Come on, old buddy.

I'll get you outside
before you ignite.

Couple of deep breaths
will do you good.

No, Scotty, better than that,
let me just get some fresh air.

That's a good idea.
Fresh air, mmm.

Can you find it in your
heart to forgive me?

Forgive you?

The chances of an
electro-cardiograph malfunction

are one in a million.

And I'm the one, is that it?

Oh, Pete, I know
you've been through hell,

the anxiety and all, but I
know you want the truth.

The fact of the matter is...
Is less time.

You're trying to tell me
I have less time.

I'm trying to tell you
that your heart is perfect.

It's fine. You're going to
live to be a senior citizen.

Isn't that great?

You quack!

I should report you to the AMA.

Why didn't you let me die?

I've been living like I'm dying.

I must have signed 40 or 50,000
dollars worth of tabs on my credit cards.

Forty or 50,000 dollars, Pete?

Or 80 or 90.

Maybe 100, with tips.

A hundred thousand bucks.

Who's counting, not me.
You said I was dying.

I wouldn't have to pay.

(SIGHS)

I wish I were dead.

Oh, I'll drink to that.

A hundred thousand clams.

And now you tell me
I'm going to live.

Holy cow! Who's going
to pay all these bills?

You are.

For doing the most stupid,

the most dishonest thing that
I have ever heard of in my life.

Me?

It's all your fault,
pal of mine.

Nancy would have never
come up with this

bright idea had it not
been for your diagnosis.

(SIGHS)

There's only one decent
thing left for you to do.

Turn yourself in.

Decent thing? That's insane.

I'll be behind you all the way.

Oh, sure you will.
A mile behind me.

You do as I say,
and they'll understand.

Oh, come on, Scotty, 100,000
dollars worth of high life.

Not Granite Life. No,
they'll never understand.

They never acted kindly
towards heists or robbers.

No.

You weren't responsible
for your actions.

Diners Club will
serve me my last supper.

We'll hire a headshrinker to say
that you were emotionally unbalanced.

And Carte Blanche will do
nasty things to me in French.

We'll ask for a jury trial.

And Global Express, oh, they'll
ship me post-paid to Alcatraz.

Oh, they closed that already.

Yeah, look, after what I've done,
they're gonna have a grand reopening.

Oh, boy.

What am I going to do, Scotty?

I don't know.

I'm sure there's a way,
if we both try real hard.

Let's do that.
Let's try very hard.

Well, I... I had this
glimmer of a notion.

I don't know whether you're
prepared to make this kind of sacrifice.

Well, try me. I mean,
I'll do anything.

I have no choice.

Well, Nancy and the kids
are prepared for your death.

Emotionally, spiritually,
financially.

No, it's too big a sacrifice.

Just say what you were going
to say. Let me make the decision.

Get on with it.

Well, very simply,

your problem would be over
if you were to die.

You were right. It's
too big a sacrifice.

No, no, I don't mean die die.
Just make it seem so.

Seem so?

How do we make die not dead?

Like this.

You have your expected
heart attack and die.

I witness your death.

And as your doctor,
I sign your death certificate.

The coffin is sealed and
shipped home for interment.

Nancy and the kids
collect your life insurance.

As for all your other debts...

They can't collect
from a corpse.

Something like that.

Whose corpse are
we talking about?

Well, certainly not yours.

Oh. Then we're talking
about... murder?

Look, Scotty, I'm
an embezzler already,

I don't need a promotion.

Look, every morgue has a percentage
of unclaimed, unidentified bodies.

I find one, claim it,

identify it as you,
ship it home.

You...

What happens when Nancy opens
the coffin? Shouldn't I be there?

Nancy will not, repeat, not
open the coffin. I'll see to that.

I'll prevail upon her to
remember you as you were, alive.

Then I'll never be able
to see my wife and kids?

Pete, when I spoke of
sacrifice, that's what I meant.

I'll never see
my wife and kids again.

Not never.

In seven years,
you turn up again.

The Statute of Limitations,
seven years.

Seven years? Are you nuts?

Or seven years in jail
for grand larceny.

I'll take the limitations.

(SIGHS)

Seven years.

What about Nancy?

Oh, Nancy mustn't
know about this.

If she finds out
that you're alive,

she'll drop everything
and run to your side.

She was always crazy about you.

Yeah, I gotta say
that right... Was?

Yeah.

PETER: I always had a feeling
for a drive in a car on a nice day,

just leisurely enjoying
the simple art of sightseeing.

But this is one drive,
on a not too thrilling day,

that was sure to
give me the willies

seeing the sight
I was about to see.

I could think of at least a half a
dozen places I'd rather be right now,

most of which are a lot warmer.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Hey, Scotty, this one
looks like it'll do.

It's about the right size, huh?

What do you think? Look.

There's only one
problem. It's a girl.

Can't you tell the difference?

Oh. Come on.

Thank you.

PETER: And on we went

determined and sure
about what had to be done.

Scott told me
where o go and I went.

I was doing the driving, all right,
but he was doing the steering.

What we were looking for
wasn't that easy to dig up.

Sorry about that.

I, uh, think I have just
what you're looking for.

Oh, yes.

"Male, heart attack,
six feet, 175 pounds.”

(GRUNTS)

Too tall.

You'd better let me
handle this. That's the man.

That's my patient, Mr. Peter
Ingersoll, Van Nuys, California.

How do I arrange
for his release?

Oh, well, you'll have to
talk to the prefect of police,

the district medical officer,
and the local undertaker.

Uh, now if you come
to my office,

I'll give you the proper papers.

Which one would you like? Diners
Club, Carte Blanche, or Global Express?

All your cards are
muy good, Senor.

Fine. Try Global Express.
We'll give them a break.

Right.

Oh, thank you.

Scotty, it's kind of spooky
reading your own death certificate.

Yeah, well, never mind,
give me that.

It's time for the heart
attack. Make it good.

Oh. All right.

(GROANS) Lower, dummy.

Mmm-hmm.

(GROANING)

Oh, my... My heart.
Oh, my hea... heart.

Oh, my ho-ho-ho-ho.

My heart!

Ohh! I can't breathe.

Oh, my ha-ha-ha. Oh, ha-hey!

Um, um, um. Oh, it's easy, um!

Help, please, man's
had a heart attack.

I'm a doctor. Help me get
him to the car. I got one outside.

Here we go. Oh,
easy, steady. Whoa.

Okay. All in order. You now
have a passport to Israel.

PETER: (SIGHING)
I hope this works.

Don't worry about it.
The disguise looks great.

Now whatever you do, don't
forget who you're supposed to be.

Yeah, I know. Fred C. Hobbs.

No, no, Dobbs. Not Hobbs. Dobbs.

Fred C. Dobbs.

Citizen of Australia,
occupation sheep herder.

Uh, rancher.

Yeah, okay, I got it.

(PETER SIGHS)

Hey, what about the body?

That's all taken care of.
It'll be shipped out tomorrow.

(WOMAN SPEAKING
PORTUGUESE ON PA)

Here you go. Oh, thank you.

Believe me, Pete, no one in Israel is
going to question you wearing a hat.

Oh, yeah.

Now here's some money.
I'll send you more from home.

Thank you. Oh, let me
have those matches.

Are you mad?
You'll go up in flames.

Oh, yeah.

Listen, Scotty,

I know the risks that you've
taken for me and I appreciate it.

I mean, with putting your
professional career on the line and all.

Now you... WOMAN
ON PA: Attention, please.

Passengers holding tickets
on Flight 309 to Rome, Tel Aviy,

please proceed to customs
clearance. Thank you.

Don't forget, we have a date,
right here, seven years from tonight.

Okay.

Senor.

Senor Dobbs?

(IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT)
Fred C. Dobbs. That's right.

Citizen of Australia?

Australia. Right.

Your immunization record,
por favor?

My what?

Your health certificate, Senor.

Oh, I don't have one.

You have to have it, Senor.

You had to have a
certificate to enter Portugal.

He was right.

I had a medical certificate.

Where was it?

Attached to my old passport,

which was now attached
to my new coffin.

WOMAN ON PA: Passengers
holding tickets on Flight 309...

Sorry, I must have lost it.

No matter, I'm sure I can
get me one in Tel Aviv, eh?

Impossible, Senor.

You may not board
the airplane without it.

The Minister of Health will
provide you with a new certificate.

Hmm.

That means they'd
check the record, eh?

Then you'd better get a doctor
to provide you with one, Senor.

A doctor? A doctor. Si, Senor.

Oh, uh, a doctor.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I say, good day. Is
Dr. Carter registered, please?

Yes, Senor.

Oh, I see. Would you be
good enough to ring his room?

Oh, Dr. Carter is out, Senor.

Oh. Very well, thank you.
Then I'll come back, eh?

Perhaps, Senor, you wish
to speak with Mrs. Carter?

Mrs. Carter?

(STAMMERING) I'm in
reference to Dr. Scott Carter.

C-A-R-T-E-R.

Exactly, Senor.
I speak well the English.

Dr. Scott Carter is out,

but Mrs. Carter is upstairs.

Mrs. Carter?

Oh, his mother,
Mrs. Carter, maybe?

No, no, Senor.

Mrs. Carter muy Bonita.

Well, I say, that must
be his nurse, Suzy.

I never pegged old Scotty to be a
swinger, but I guess I was wrong.

Well, I'll be right over
here if he should get in.

Senor, there's Mrs. Carter now.

JIMMY: Mommy, look what
Daddy Scott bought us.

Oh, that's marvelous.
Bought this, too.

Oh, isn't that great, Jimmy.

Hi. Oh, you look so
pretty. Hello, dear.

Do you really like it?

Oh, I almost forgot.

For you.

You're just so
thoughtful, Scott.

(GASPS)

Oh, it's beautiful.

They're just flowers. Oh!

Pooned and harpooned.

I should have leaped over
and pried them apart and yelled,

"Get your lips off my wife!"

There's a lot of things
I should have done, like,

consulting another doctor
when Scotty said I was dying.

Like,

finding out how come
Nancy went to Scotty,

instead of a gynecologist.

And like,

asking myself what kind
of a doctor prescribes

fake corpses
and phony passports,

and one-way tickets to Israel.

(SIGHS)

And how come my wife Nancy had me carry
150,000 dollars worth of life insurance.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

So I had to stand there,
watching my best friend

making love to my best wife,

while she laughed at me
through teeth I paid for.

And I still hadn't gotten
my shots for Israel.

Who wants to go
to the Lisbon Zoo?

BOTH: We do!

And see the elephants
and the bears and all...

Okay, the zoo it is.

Daddy Scott. Daddy Scott, are
you going to take us to dinner?

Now, who said that?

I did.

Hey, that's a pretty good idea.

I tell you what, after the zoo,
after we've seen the elephants,

with their tuskie-boos, and
the big bears with their babykins,

we'll all go and
have a big din-din.

And we'll grow big and
strong if we eat our num-nums!

All right? Okay,
let's go. Oh, goody.

And we'll get big and strong
if we eat all our num-nums.

Oh, that's sickening.

You know what else is sickening?

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Standing around in this
creepy hotel lobby,

a wanted man, a criminal.
With no money, no future.

Worst of all, no past.

Wearing these hokey clothes,

trying to breathe through a bush that
had to come from the rump of an aardvark.

Was it something I said?

(SIGHS)

PETER: I couldn't believe it.

But there it was.

Now things began to make sense.

A pretty sour pill to swallow.

But with a doctor like him, his
pills would have to be the worst.

Now what was I supposed to do?

Nothing but walk.

And that's what I did.

I walked and walked.

I was advised overdoing was
bad for someone with my condition.

But since that advice
came from that creep

I laughingly refer to as a
doctor, how bad could it be?

I figured if I got real lucky,
I'd get run over.

But with the way things have been
going, it would probably be a bike.

Go ahead, everybody else has.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

MORTICIAN: Come in.

Come on in, Senor.

What can I do for you?

Uh, Dobbs is my name.
Fred C. Dobbs.

I was made aware of the fact
that you're holding a friend of mine,

Peter Ingersoll, I just thought I'd
stop by to see how he was doing.

He's fine.

He's just beautiful.
Would you like to see him?

Uh, yes.
This way, please, Senor.

Someone important?

MORTICIAN: It seems so.

That's Colonel Durham.

Oh. Is that R.K. Durham
of South Carolina?

The same. You knew him?

Knew of him.

No matter what brand of tobacco
you'd smoke, he grew it, you see.

We are shipping the remains home
to be placed in the family mausoleum,

with full military honors.

And I consider this a great
honor for our mortuary.

Oh, you should. It's
absolutely marvelous.

After you.

Oh.

We have been very
fortunate, Senor.

Your friend sails with Colonel
Durham in the morning.

Take your time,

and ring the bell when
you are ready to leave.

Uh, good show. Thank you.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SIGHS)

PETER: What a way to go.

A long boat trip, together yet,

just you and
the little old Colonel.

Little did he know how
close to integration he'd be.

What a stroke of luck,
a perfect revenge.

We'll show that best friend
quack and my fink wife.

(RINGING)

I say, what room is
Dr. Carter, please?

Room 316, Senor.

The house phone is right there.

Oh, splendid.

WOMAN: Hello!

Hello. Could you connect
me with 316, please?

(PHONE RINGING)

There's no answer?

No, Senor!

Oh, thank you.

PETER: Plain printing.

If he ever gets his hands on my insurance
money, he'll have these engraved.

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

Isn't there any privacy
in this hotel?

(ALL ARGUING)

Can't two people be alone in the room
without somebody sticking their nose in?

Just get out! Get out! Vamoose!

Come on, honey.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

PETER: It's a terrible thing. A
maid should just clean the room.

But to walk inside when people
are trying to find public... Private...

You could get... I would
never check-in here.

(GRUNTING)

(THUDS)

Colonel Durham would be
shipped to Van Nuys, California.

Ingersoll to South Carolina,

to lay in state with
the Sons of the Confederacy.

You sent Ingersoll
to South Carolina?

(ALL GASPING)

One problem remained.

I had to get my vaccination
and shots to get out of Portugal.

But I had to find a doctor
that would ask no questions.

Say, "Ah." Ah.

Now you'll feel more better.

Now, that take care of the smallpox,
typhoid, yellow fever and distemper.

That be 20 dollars.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(DOGS BARKING)

(CATS MEOWING)

All in order, Senor Dobbs.

All in order. Right.

You now go to Chile.

(STAMMERING) Yeah, I hear
the fishing there is smashing.

But yesterday you
were going to Israel.

Oh, yes. So I was.
Well, you know,

the only fish you can catch in
Israel is smoked salmon, you see.

Thanks a lot. Bang on. Cheerio.

And there I was, at the
helm of my own boat,

with a new charter party,
steering straight for marlin.

Now then... Forget about the
marlin, Senor. What about your wife?

And Dr. Carter.

And the coffins.

Yes, and Colonel Durham.

Oh! Oh, well...

Through hometown newspapers
and some shortwave broadcasts,

I pieced together the events that
were taking place back in the States.

(DRUM ROLLING)

PETER: Parade rest. Cemetery
of the Sons of the Confederacy.

Everyone presumed Colonel
R.K. Durham lay in state.

(BAND PLAYING
I WISH I WAS IN DIXIE)

Proceed.

Attention!

And then the coffin was opened.

(SCREAMS)

That's not him.

Men!

I meant to ask you about that.

What's happened?
Whose body is that?

MAN: Let me see that.

(ALL CLAMORING)

PETER: Meanwhile, back in Van
Nuys, California, at the Haven of Rest,

there was no turnout
for my funeral.

The neighbors couldn't come
because it was Saturday

and there was a barbeque
at Larry Heath's, again.

Oh, Nancy was there.

And good old Scotty, he
came with the 385 dollar funeral.

Just as they were getting ready
to do the "ashes to ashes" bit,

the place was suddenly
lousy with people.

(SIREN WAILING)

Dr. Carter? SCOTT: Yes?

Dr. Scott Carter?

Well?

Your card, Doctor?

I'm Dr. Everson,
the County Coroner.

Just who is in
that coffin, Doctor?

Well, the deceased is
Mr. Ingersoll, Mr. Peter Ingersoll.

Oh, then you don't mind
if we take a look, Doctor.

I most certainly do.

Mr. Ingersoll was my patient.

I witnessed the death and I
signed the death certificate myself.

Oh, I'm sure of that, Doctor.

Here's a Portuguese Death Certificate
in the name of Peter Ingersoll.

This is your signature, Doctor?

Doctor, I resent...
Well, here's mine.

A court order to open,

and/or exhume, and/or examine,
and/or perform an autopsy

thereof upon the deceased
person of Mr. Peter Ingersoll,

and/or person
or persons unknown.

But, Doctor, there
isn't any need to...

Forgive me, Doctor,
in a pig's eye there isn't.

Open it up, boys.

WOMAN: (CRYING) It's Richard.

Who the hell is that?

And I'm told even Colonel Durham
smiled when he saw Scotty's face.

(ALL LAUGHING)

But to continue...

(PEOPLE MURMURING)

As District Attorney of this city, I
demand to know what happened to Ingersoll.

When did you last see
Colonel Durham alive?

Does the word "malpractice"
mean anything to you?

Surely you don't expect us
to pay you 150,000 dollars

without proof of
your husband's death.

What happened to Ingersoll?

What about these
Global Express charges?

And who pays Carte Blanche?

And Diners Club.

How the CIA got
into this, I don't know,

but since we are,
just how did you kill him?

Why did you choose a negro
to put in the Colonel's coffin?

And just what is your
purpose for this die-in?

And were you aware that this negro
was Chief of our African Bureau?

That's right. We've got to find
out what happened to that negro.

ALL: That's right.

(ALL CLAMORING)

Quiet! Quiet!

Quiet!

Gentlemen, please.

Gentlemen.

What we want to know is
what happened to Ingersoll?

Now fly, you big sweetheart!

(CRASHING)

And that's it.

So, you see, the reports of my
death were grossly exaggerated.

I'm really fine.

With one small exception.

I'm really fine. Just fine.

I may not look like the healthiest
human being that ever lived,

but I'm fine.

I mean, I don't... Mr. Dobbs...

The information you have given
us is very important for us to know,

but, really, we must now hurry
and do what must be done.

Okay. I understand.

And we must do, and I
must tell you, in all honesty,

there is no guarantee that
you'll come out of this alive.

Well, if nothing else, you can
tell everybody I died a happy man.

A true fisherman,
with a smile on my lips

and a fish in my heart.