Honolulu (1939) - full transcript

Movie star Brooks Mason tries to avoid his fans and spend some weeks on vacation. When Hawaiian plantation owner George Smith is mistaken by Mason's fans for Mason and brought to Mason's home. They decide to exchange their identities for a few weeks. But George Smith is mobbed by Mason's fans again on a personal appearance tour in New York, Mason falls in love with dancer Dorothy March, who also is on her way to Hawaii. Problems for Mason arise due to the fact that Smith is engaged to Cecilia Grayson and her wealthy father believes that Smith has double-crossed him. Mason isn't able to establish a connection with Smith in New York due to his agent's orders.

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[Hawaiian music]

[peppy music]

[slow music]

If, uh, I haven't
returned in five minutes

you needn't wait.

Very good, sir.

I'm so sorry
to have awakened you.

Don't mention it.
I wasn't asleep.


Why don't you do what you
came to do, and go away?



The man who gave you these
must have loved you very much.

He must have known you
perfectly, too.

Knowin' how well
the color of each pearl

'matched the texture
of your skin.'

- 'How--'
- Oh, please, please, David!

Why must you
talk to me like this?

Maybe it's because
I love you so much.

- Because I want you back.
- Do you mean that?

Do you remember
the words I said to you

the day I gave you
that necklace?

"Always faithful."
Our wedding day.

I've never broken
that promise, Eve.

Oh, I've been a fool.
Oh, David!

[orchestral music]


[audience cheering]

What a man!

(male announcer)
'Miss Sarah's car.'

'What a gala evening this is,
ladies and gentlemen.'

It'd seem that everyone
in Hollywood has turned out

to pay tribute to Brooks Mason,
the glamour boy of Hollywood.

Oh, oh, here comes
Brooks Mason himself.

'Watch the crowds.'

[people clamoring]

'Here they go!
They all want his autograph.'

'There they go. And is he
going to have his hands full!'

They nearly swept him
off his feet!

'They have swept him
off his feet!'

Mr. Mason. Mr. Mason.
Mr. Mason! Mr. Mason!

Mr. Mason. Mr. Mason, will you
saw a word to your public?


You have just heard
the voice of Brooks Mason.

(man on radio)
'I guess we'll have to send
for an ambulance for Mr. Mason.'

'It looks like
he's completely out.'

Well, did you hear that?

I just been mobbed
out of the theater.

How do I look?

The question is,
how does he look?

Like me, evidently.
Poor guy.

It's his own fault. He has
no right to look like you.

Don't you see, if we go to the
premiere, it'd have been me.

It'd have been Brooks Mason

they're making
hash of down there.

Getting so I can't take a step
without my public loving me.

And tearing me apart.

Look, I want
to show you something.

This happened at the preview
of "The Lady Said No".

This happened at the preview
of "The Lady Said Maybe".

And this happened at the preview
of "The Lady Said Yes".

You see that sleeve?

Once there was
a coat attached to it.

But this afternoon, front of
the derby, they tore it apart.

They tore the buttons
of my vest, my suspenders.

What's a few buttons?
The fans love you.

I love them, too.
Did you try to sign

an autograph with one hand
and hold up your pants

with the other?

- 'Mr. Duffy's here.'
- Oh, hello, Joe.

Hello, glamour pants.
Oh, hello, Brewster.

- Hello.
- I...hope I'm intruding.

Mr. Duffy, wherever you are,
you are intruding.

Well, I've got to go.
Goodnight, darling.


Don't go on account
of me, Brewster.

Oh, I've got to go.
I'm allergic to agents.

- Goodnight, Gale.
- Goodnight, honey.

I'll get even with that dame,
if I have to marry her

Never mind her.
You see the boss.

Told you I'd fix it. I arranged
a nice little vacation for you.

- Six whole weeks.
- Good!

Making personal appearances
in New York.

Oh, no! Not me. I won't go.
I know what it will be like.

The mobs are bigger
and stronger.

'Minute they stop
mobbing you, you're a has-been.'

I know that,
but I don't want to go.

I'm tired.
They can't do that to me.

They promised me a vacation.
Well, I quit.

- Quit?
- Well, I won't quit.

But they can't
do that to me.

I'm worn out. I want a rest,
some peace and quiet.

I'd like to sleep one morning
way up to 7:30.

New York. You mention New York
to me once more, and I'll..

...I'll jump
right out that window.

Brooksie, you can't do that.
That ain't croquet.

Now, go on get some sleep,
and stop talking

about jumping
out of windows.

- Washington.
- Yes?

Mix him a drink and don't make
it scotch, make it a big one.

Goodnight, glamour pants.
See you tomorrow.


They can't do that to me.
They promised me a vacation.

I don't get out of here,
I'll get a...nervous breakdown.

Yes, sir.

You know what a
nervous breakdown is?

Well, not exactly

but if you want one,
I'll try to mix it for you.

Oh, never mind.

- Get me some coffee.
- Yes, sir.

[siren wailing]

You're alright.
Just take it easy, old boy.

Say, Mac, this is
Brooks Mason, the actor.

Oh, the picture couldn't
have been that bad, could it?

My girlfriend thinks
he's terrific.

Don't worry Mr. Mason,
we're headed to the hospital

in 5 minutes.

Never mind the hospital,
I want to go home.

[doorbell buzzing]

I'm coming.

[doorbell buzzing]

Here I am.

- The Mason's residence?
- Yes, sir.

Little accident.

- Where shall we take him?
- Oh-h!


He done did it!

Just keep him in bed,
and send for his doctor.

Yes, sir.
Poor Mr. Mason.

You said you'd do it,
but I didn't believe you.

Why didn't you ask me?

I'd have told you jumping out
of window was bad luck.

Here, let me help you
off with that shirt.

Oh, now, leave me alone.
Leave me alone.

Yes, sir.
I'll get you coffee.

[muttering indistinctly]

Who are you?

What do you want,
an autograph?

How'd you get here?

I, I was just going
to ask you that.

I live here.

I mean I was gonna
ask you how I got here?

Well, don't you know?

Well, I was coming out
of the theater--

Oh! You're the guy
they thought was me.

Say, you do
look like me.

You look as much
like me as I do, even more.

- Why, you're Brooks Mason.
- yeah.

I've been mistaken for you
lots of times in Hawaii.

Are you an Hawaiian?

Oh, no. I have
a plantation there.


Yes, I grow pineapples.
How did you know that?

Well, all I know about Hawaii
is pineapples and ukuleles.

And you can't
grow ukuleles.

Well, I guess I better
get back to my hotel now.

Oh, no no no,
stay here tonight.

Least I can offer you,
is a little hospitality

after the beating
you took for me.

I'll get you some pajamas.

No, you certainly
do look alike of me.

We certainly do.

You say you've been
mistaken for me before?

Oh, yes, lot's of times.
In Hawaii.

What's it like it in Hawaii?

Oh, there's nothing much
to do there.

- Just peace and quiet.
- Peace and quiet.

Put these on. I'll get you
a robe and some slippers.

Here's your coffee, sir.
Nice and hot, and everything.

Yes, sir!

Oh, thank you.
I don't--

If they're gonna keep
tearing your clothes like this

you'll have to take plenty
suits. Six weeks in New York.

That must be some
eight days in a week.

Multiply them together,
six weeks..

Let's make it eight days a week,
to be on the safe side.

Six times eight..
Eight times six..

Seems to me I oughta
know how much that is.

Let's call it 30.
Yup, you'll need 30 suits.

I knew I'd get it if I separated
my revisions from abstractions.

Yes, sir.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Well, I'd like
to have that coffee.

Didn't I just..

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Yes, sir!

How'd he do that?
How'd he do that?

Oh, I don't think I care
for any coffee, thank you.

This ain't my day.

I was gonna.. You told me.
Yes, sir.

It's impossible!

Where's the cream
and sugar?

It's in the..
Where are you?

What do you think?

Something wrong. It ain't true.
It can't be true!

Yet, somehow it is.

Now, you go get
the sugar and cream.

Mr. Mason, you ain't
got enough money

to get me back
to that room.

- Did you see a...ghost?
- Yeah, that's it.

You jumped out the window,
and you dead.

I'm gone!

Don't tell me
you're afraid of ghosts.

Mr. Mason, when folks is dead,
I'm through with them.

Well, how do you
like that?

Horace's been with me 10 years,
and he couldn't tell us apart.

If he couldn't,
I guess nobody could.

Oh, so that's it.

I was beginning to think
he was crazy.

Listen, how would you like
to go to New York?

As my guest.

Why go to New York
with you?

No no no, not with me,
instead of me.

You see, I'm supposed to go to
New York, and I don't want to.

I want you to go,
and pinch hit for me.

You want me to go to New York
as Brooks Mason?

Yes. And I'll go
to Hawaii as, uh..

- George Smith.
- George Smith. Here.

Well, I'd like
to go to New York, but--

And I'd like to go to Hawaii.

It's quiet and peaceful there.
You can autograph pineapples.

Wait a minute. You're not
married are you?

- No, but--
- Engaged?

Well, I have been
and I haven't been.

Then I have been,
then I haven't been.

Well, can't you
make up your mind?

Well, I can,
but she can't.

You see, Cecelia, my fiance,
and I got along swell

until she got back
from Europe.

Now, she thinks I'm dull
and unsophisticated.

That's why
I came to Hollywood.

To sort of
get a little polish.

Swell! New York
is just the place for you.

New York will polish
you off in no time.

But...I'm not prepared
to go to New York.

That's alright. My agent, Joe,
will take care of everything.

Why, you'll have
the time of your life.

But under no circumstances
must you tell anyone

even Joe Duffy,
that you're George Smith.

From now on, I'm George Smith
and you're Brooks Mason.

- Well--
- Good. Now, we gotta work fast.

I got a give you
a few pointers

on how to behave
as a movie star.

And you've gotta tell me what
to do with those pineapples.

I've always enjoyed you
in pictures, Mr. Mason.

Oh, thank you...
Mr. Smith.

Ah, you want my autograph?

[both laugh]

[ukulele music]



Oh, Dot. Dot.

Oh, am I excited!
Am I thrilled!

Am I all goose pimples! Am I?
Am I? Well, of course I am.

- Oh, Millie!
- Oh!

I can hardly stand up.

- Put a chair under me, quick.
- Here you are.

Oh, now, I'm too excited.
I can't sit down.

- But what's the matter?
- He's on board.

Who's on board?

He is, too.
I saw him myself.

What are you talking about?

Who's on board?
What are you looking for?

He's on board.
My autograph book.

Dorothy, it was
on top of the trunk.

Couldn't have walked away.
Where'd you suppose--

There it is.

- Oh, thank you.
- Look.

For the last time,
who's on board?

- Brooks Mason.
- Oh, Brooks Mason.

Oh! I suppose that's peanuts
to you. My dream man!

I'm going to meet him in person.

And I warn you, if he makes
one false move, I'm his.

You think it'll do you
a lot of good

to throw yourself at him.

Throw myself? If I thought
it would do any good

I'd have myself shot at him
out of a canon.

- Boo.
- If one can't have a..

- Oh, how do you do?
- Oh, I get it.

You're just like all the movie
stars, disguising yourself.

- I beg your pardon.
- Oh, come on!

♪ Stop beating around
the mulberry bush ♪

♪ The mulberry bush
the mulberry bush ♪♪

Come on, Brooksie, I know you.
Take it off.


- Oh, it's a real beard.
- Well, of course.

- And you're not Brooks Mason?
- Certainly not.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry
I pulled your beard!

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

You know, my daddy's
got a beard.

Is that so?

And on account of his beard

he had a very
dangerous operation.

Is that so?

Yeah, he got his whiskers
caught in his zipper.

In his zipper?

He put on this leather jacket,
and he couldn't get it off.

Oh, I see. Yes, I'll bet that
was a very dangerous operation.

Dangerous. Well, they had
to put the instruments

down his throat and make
the incision from the inside.

- Why?
- Why!

Well, if they'd made
it from the outside

they would have ruined
his leather jacket.

Oh, I see.
You're, you're not going?

Let's go down to the bar
and have a drink.

Hey, pop,
you're a fast worker.

Well, I have to work fast.
I'm getting old.


I don't get it.

[indistinct chattering]

[peppy music]

[tuning ukulele]

♪ My dog has fle-fleas ♪

♪ My dog has fleas ♪

♪ My dog has fleas ♪

♪ My dog has fleas fleas ♪

Got it!

[singing "Honolulu"]

♪ I'm on my merry way
I'm on a holiday ♪

♪ I mean I'm on my way
to Honolulu ♪

♪ The days just drift along ♪

♪ The nights
are filled of song ♪

♪ I hope that I'm not wrong
in Honolulu ♪

♪ I bought a ukulele ♪

♪ I practice on it daily ♪

♪ Sounds wicky wacky waily ♪

♪ My hula hula song ♪

♪ I know it's gonna be ♪

♪ An awful blow to me unless
I find romance in Honolulu ♪

♪ I know just how it looks
from the pretty picture books ♪

♪ So please don't disappoint
me Honolulu ♪

♪ My Honolulu
by the coral sea ♪♪

Come on, Miss March, get on
the feet and do that, will you?

- Mmm-mmm. Too many people.
- Oh, they'd love it!

- Oh, go on, Dorothy.
- Please, Miss March.

Oh, go on.

Well, alright,
you're coming with me.

Who, me?
Oh, no!

[upbeat music]

♪ I'm on my merry way ♪

♪ I'm on a holiday ♪

♪ I mean ♪

♪ I'm on my way to Honolulu ♪

♪ The days just drift along ♪

♪ The nights are
filled with song ♪

♪ I hope ♪

♪ that I'm not wrong
on Honolulu ♪

♪ I bought a ukulele ♪

♪ Bought a ukulele ♪

♪ I like to practice ♪

♪ I practice on it daily ♪

♪ Practice it on it daily ♪

♪ It sounds wicky wacky waily ♪

♪ I know that it sounds
wicky wacky ♪

♪ My hula hula song ♪

♪ I know it's gonna be ♪

♪ An awful blow to me ♪

♪ Unless ♪

♪ I find romance in Honolulu ♪

♪ I know just how it looks ♪

♪ From the pretty ♪

♪ Picture books ♪

♪ Please don't
disappoint me Honolulu ♪

♪ Why don't you
meet us by the sea ♪

[music continues]

[music continues]

[crowd cheering]

- Isn't that wonderful?
- Swell!

You know, she keeps spinning
like that all the time.

And I'm always dizzy.

Well, what are you
puffing about?

Well, that's
quite a workout.

Say, Dotty, I'm getting
an awful empty feeling

in my stomach.


No, I guess it's
something I didn't eat.

I suppose my exercise
gave you an appetite.

Oh, what's the matter.
Your tootsies hurt?

Oh, come on,
I'll help you.



I beg your pardon.
I dropped a shoe down there.

- Did you see it?
- See it?

It hit me
right between the eyes.

Why don't you people look
where you're throwing..

- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Ah, that's alright.

I was having
a terrible dream anyway.

It's awfully nice that
you to take it that way.

Would you mind
tossing it up?

I'll do better than that,
I'll bring it up.

You know, he's much nicer
than I thought he'd be.

- Who? Who?
- Your dream man.

I just knocked him
out of a dream.

My Brooks Mason?

- Yes. Coming right up.
- Coming up the stairs?

- To see us?
- Mm-hmm.

Like a personal
appearance, like?

Oh, Dorothy, feel my heart,
my pulse, something has stopped.

Maybe I'm dead.

Oh, Dorothy, will you
do me a favor.

Sure. What do you want?

Let me be the Cinderella.
Make believe it's my shoe.

- Okay.
- Thank you, Dorothy.

Oh, you and you're
Brooks Mason.

Oh, I'll never
forget you for this.

Well, here you are.

Thank you, but it really
belongs to my friend.

This is
Millicent De Grasse.

How you do,
Miss De Grasse?

Oh, just call me Millie,
and cut De Grasse.

Well, Cinderella,
shall I put it on?

Oh, I don't think
it would suit you.

You better
let me wear it.

Oh, it pinches.

- I think it fits like a glove.
- Catcher's glove.

'Yeah, Dorothy.'

Say, would you like
to see me dance?

- Oh, you dance?
- Oh, I'd be glad to.

Oh, I mean..

Uh, she sings, too.

- Oh, professional?
- That's right.

We open next week
at the hotel at Honolulu.

Oh, wouldn't it be nice if we
could find a fellow for Dorothy.

Poor Dorothy!

Oh, so, Dorothy,
hasn't got a fellow, huh?

Poor Dorothy.

Are you coming
to the opening Mr. Mason?

Mason? Well, my name
is Smith, George Smith.

George Smith?
You're not Brooks Mason?

No, I'm just
plain George Smith.

Why, I can
hardly believe that.

You're the image
of Brooks Mason.

Been hearing that ever since
he made a hit in pictures.

I'm a constant
disappointment to everybody.

Are you sure
you're not Brooks Mason?

Oh, quite sure.

Well, then you had a lot of
nerve to ask me to dance.

Oh! I think
I broke my ukulele.

Soon as we get to Hawaii,
I'll take you

and show you my pineapples.

- Excuse me for laughing.
- What's so funny about that?

It used to be etchings.

Ah, it's really
a beautiful plantation.

Lot's of pineapple.

Pineapple bushes, pineapple
trees, pineapple vines

pineapple plants

In other words, wherever you
look, there's pineapples.

No. Wherever I look,
there's you.

I didn't realize it

but I guess I've always wanted
to meet a girl like you.

That's funny.
You know, my mother told me

that someday I'd meet
a man like you.

And what did you say?

I said I'd be careful.

That's one for you.

Come on,
tell me about Hawaii.

The real Hawaii
that you know so well.

Well, it's really so beautiful
that I cant describe it.

- Why?
- Eh, uh..

This is your first trip
to Honolulu, isn't it?


It's the most beautiful
place you've ever saw.

- Well, tell me about it.
- Eh, tell you about it.



"There's sunny days,
romantic nights

"where gentle breezes sway
the spreading palms

"against the sky
of softest blue.

"Uh, the fragrance
of the night

"the rhythmic movement of the
surf, to excite the senses.

- Go on.
- Eh.. Go on.

"Where the stars and moon lean
through vast pineapple patches.

An ideal vacation,
a romantic honeymoon."

'A romantic honeymoon.'

Where "life preservers
are under the sea".

- Oh!
- What?

Well, where..
Well, where was I?

- You were on a honeymoon.
- Ah, were you with me?

No. You left me
in the pineapple patch.

Well, my dear,
that's Hawaii.

- Uh, shall we dance?
- Alright.

No, out here. Anyone can
dance in the ballroom.

[ukulele music]

[romantic music]

Oh, Dorothy. Dorothy!

I just got a radiogram
from my mother.

- She's fine now.
- Oh, I'm so glad.

When we left home, I thought
she'd never get over her fright.

We nearly died
until the doctor came.

What was the trouble?

Well, she woke up one night
and she looked down

and both her feet were black.

When the doctor came,
he took off her stockings

and we all went
back to bed.

[siren wailing]

Good evening, General Hospital.
Yes, Mr. Mason's leaving today.

Mr. Mason's fully recovered.
He's leaving today.

What's that?

No, you can't buy the bed
he's slept in.

This is a hospital,
not a furniture store.

Please don't
bring me anymore.

And you better start
giving them away.

Yes, Mr. Mason.

Well, glamor pants..

Ooh! Hello, nursey.

- Are you ready?
- Yes.

But what about
that mob out there?

I thought you said
I was leaving secretly.

Don't have a relapse, Brooksie.
I've got everything fixed.

Oh, it's no use.

I'll never get through them.
We've tried everything.

When you took me in an
ambulance, they got wise.

But this time,
I've got a great idea.

Leave it to me,
I'll get you out this time.

This way, boys.

Right in here. Right there.
Atta boy!

Right down, by the bed there.
That's it.

What an idea!
What an idea!

Put it down there.
That's it.

Thank you very much.

♪ A tisket a tasket
you're goin' out in a casket ♪♪

Oh, no no. You're not
taking me in that box.

- Why not?
- That's a crazy idea!

- I'm liable to get killed.
- Now, listen, glamor pants.

You heard of people killed
in trains, planes and autos.

But did you ever hear of anybody
getting killed in a coffin?

Well, I..

Alright then, get in,
come on, get in.

We've gotta make
a personal appearance.

[knock on door]
Hurry! Hurry!

Well, give me
a cigarette.

This is a flying time
you picked up for a cigarette.

Well, there's the pack.
Come on, get in there.

Just a moment, please.

Give me a match.

Here's the match.
Get in.

Come in.

Will you take it easy, please,
and don't drop him.

Brother, we never drop 'em
till we get to the hole.

- Look!
- Holy smoke!

[people screaming]

It's Brooks Mason, girls.
Come on!

[women screaming]

Cecelia, where are you?


- Oh, where are you, Cecelia?
- Ain't this crazy!

Poor glamor pants!
His fans finally got him.

[peppy music]

[man singing "This Night
Will Be My Souvenir"]

♪ This night
was made for dreaming ♪

♪ This night
was fashioned for you ♪

♪ This night
my arms and hold you ♪

Come on, dwarfy,
it's off to work we go.

♪ And I adorn you ♪

♪ This night
is filled with music ♪

♪ My heart will always hear ♪

♪ Oh something ♪

♪ Our sweet remembrance ♪

♪ This night will be
my souvenir ♪♪

[people applauding]

s[orchestra music]

[harp music]

Oh, maestro,
don't go away.

Oh, don't be mad.

Can you imagine that?

That leader is, to say the
least, a most peculiar fellow.

[piano music]

He seems to know his instruments
from piccolo to chappa.

[cello music]

He plays every composition
and he plays in every key.

[flute music]

Can you explain
his peculiarity, huh?

Can you?

[harp music]

[singing "The Leader
Doesn't Like Music"]

♪ The leader
doesn't like music ♪

& Ta ra ra ta ra ra
ta ra ra ra ra &

The leader doesn't like music?

♪ Ta ra ra
ta ra ra ra ra ra ra ♪

♪ Oh when he was a boy
he never could enjoy ♪

♪ The fun that
the other fellows had ♪

♪ His father
who was very stern ♪

♪ Said it's music
you must learn ♪

♪ And that's what
really made him mad ♪


♪ The leader
doesn't like music ♪

& Ta ra ra ra ra ra
ta ra ra ra ra ♪

♪ So the people on the floor ♪

♪ Maybe clamoring for more ♪

♪ With his duffle in his hand
he will have you understand ♪

♪ That the leader
doesn't like music ♪

♪ And the leader
doesn't like the band ♪

♪ Would you like
to buy my violins ♪

♪ I've some
very pretty violins ♪

♪ They're the sweetest
little violins ♪

♪ They're the cutest
little violins ♪

♪ Won't you buy a violin ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ The leader
doesn't like music ♪

♪ Ta ra ra ta ra ra
ta ra ra ra ra ♪

Oh, the maestro,
he's no like the music.

♪ Ta ra ra
ta ra ra ra ra ra ra ♪

Well, what does he like?

As if I didn't know.


♪ Oh the leader
doesn't like Opera ♪

♪ Figaro ♪

♪ Figaro ♪

♪ Figaro ♪

♪ Figaro so ♪

♪ If you must
then give us Martha ♪

♪ Figaro Figaro ♪

♪ No Figaro ♪

♪ Figaro ♪

♪ Figaro ♪

♪ The leader
doesn't like Scotch songs ♪

[singing in foreign language}

♪ Oh the leader
doesn't like jazz jazz ♪

♪ Pazzaz and jazz
and razzmatazz ♪

- He hates a Bach staccato.
- And he hates Bhram sonata.

And a symphony by Hayden
makes him swear.

♪ He despises Paganini
or an opera by Rossini ♪

♪ And a Strauss waltz
makes him tear his hair ♪

♪ Oh the leader
hates all kinds of music ♪

♪ Ta ra ra a-ta ra ra
ta ra ra ra ra ♪

♪ He doesn't like it sweet ♪

♪ He doesn't like it hot ♪

♪ With with with
a stick in his hand ♪

♪ He'll have you understand ♪

♪ That the leader
doesn't like music ♪

♪ The maestro doesn't like
the band boys ♪

♪ And the band boys
don't like the leader ♪

♪ And the leader man
doesn't like the band ♪♪

[audience applauding]

And now,
ladies and gentlemen..

...Miss Dorothy March

in her impersonation
of Bill Robinson

the King of Harlem.

[upbeat music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[audience applauding]

[ukulele music]

[indistinct chattering]

It's wonderful!

The way those kids dove
after those pennies!

I ran out of pennies, and threw
a five dollar gold piece in

and they never
knew the difference.

[speaking in foreign language]

Yes, we'll have
some of these.

Sure you don't want me
to drop you off?

No thanks, George. Someone from
the hotel's meeting me.

Mr. Smith,
pardon me, sir.

- Your luggage's right here.
- Thank you.

Where is the boy
with our bags, Millie?

I didn't give him any.
Thought we'd pack 'em tomorrow.

Millie, come on.



- Hello.
- Hello, Wong.

Get the bag, will you?

Well, it's good
to be home again.

Yes, sir.
It certainly is.

And it's nice
to see you again, Wong.

Me know.
Me know.

- Something wrong?
- No.

Ah, you took good care of the
house while I was gone, Wong.

- Everything as I left it.
- Yup.

And believe me, Wong.

It's certainly good
to be home again.

Me know, me know.

Peace and quiet.
That's what I missed.

The peace and quiet
of my old home.

Ah, it's good.

Me know, me know.

Hey, what is this
"Me Know" business?

Me know you
Brooks Mason.


- Oh.
- I see you in movies.

Yes, I'm Brooks Mason,
the actor.

I see you in movies.
No actor.

Oh, very funny.

But remember, from now on
I'm not Brooks Mason, the actor.

- I'm George Smith.
- Me know, me know.

Whatever happens, whoever
asks you, I'm George Smith.

Me know, me know.

Sorry, Mr. Grayson.
All we have to report

is that George Smith is back.
Now, we'd advise you to--

When I want your advice, I'll
ask for it. What should I do?

- Issue a warrant. Lock him up.
- Absolutely. You're right.

I gave him $50,000
to close a deal.

The deal disappears, the money
disappears and he disappears.

'Lock him up.
But not now.'

I don't want my daughter
to know anything about it. Yet.

'Say, maybe he came back
to return the money.'

He couldn't spend that amount
of money in so short a time.

Or could he?

- I'd lock him up tonight.
- You're absolutely right.

If he don't return that money
by morning, he goes to jail.

Good day, gentlemen.

Wong, did you make that
reservation for me for tonight?

Wong make reservation for you.

Cocktail for two,
ring-side table for two.

Dinner for two, after dinner,
you are on your own.


- Who's that?
- Mrs. Cece.

Oh, Missy Cece.

Hello, Missy Cece.

'Hello, George.'

- Cecelia.
- Darling.

Why, George.
You've changed.

I don't know what it is exactly,
but you're different somehow.

Different? How?

Well, you sort of
take hold of things.

Well, you said I needed
a new approach.

Approach nothing.
You've arrived.

Cecelia, you're
different too.

I've never seen you
looking more beautiful.

And I've missed you terribly.
My mind was full of you.

I kept subconsciously
seeing you and hearing you

'and touching you.'

I can't believe it.
Can this be you?

The man of a few words
and who stumbled over those?

Well, that's Hollywood
you know, my dear.

Hollywood, huh?

I'll never forget one night
at Joan Crawford's.

Norma Shearer and I---

You met Joan Crawford
and Norma Shearer?

Oh yes, Norma and Myrna

Myrna Loy,
were with me all the time.

Oh, no wonder you never
got time to write to me.

Cecelia, I made up my mind
when I left Hawaii

that I would make myself
worthy of you.

I was determined to come back
to you a different man.

Who thought you
how to kiss?

Eh, Mickey Rooney.

Mickey Rooney?

You're not dressed. Aren't
you coming over to the house?

I was just going to...to bed.

The trip sorta
tired me out--

You can't go to bed.
Everybody's waiting for you.

And you ought to meet father.
He'll be delighted to see you.

- Yes--
- No buts about it.

Now, you hurry up and get
dressed and come on over.

No more rum
in that one, Murphy.

Ah, the only cure
for that is snakebite.

No, no, no, no, Murphy.
I'll serve these myself.

[doorbell ringing]

Never mind, Murphy,
I'll do it.

- Good evening.
- Good evening.

Here you are, my good man.

Would you mind
if I have one of these?

I think I'm gonna need it.

What is that?
A Hawaiian Mickey?

You lose your job here
you'll starve to death.

- Why--
- Ah-ah-ah.

Clumsy old duck,
aren't you?

Say, look here,
young fellow.

Well, doesn't George
look wonderful, father?

He's turned out to be
quiet a practical joker.

Well, what's the matter
with father?

Well, he's your father.
You oughta know.

Say, Homer, it took you long
enough to make that drink.

What did you use?
An eye dropper?

Well, here they come. They look
mighty handsome together too.

[indiscrete chattering]

- How are you doing?
- Hello.

What is this? Something new
for the tropics?

Evening clothes
to call on the old folks?

Eh, well, just a habit.

A little something
he acquired in Hollywood.

Hollywood? Oh, well.
We're lucky he came back at all.

Ah, I stayed as long
as my money lasted.

'And of course you
remember the Bradys.'

- Oh, George.
- Mrs. Brady.

I haven't seen you
in years.

Why, George, we had tea together
just before you went away.

Oh, yes. Well, it just
seemed like years.

Sit right down here
and tell us all about Hollywood.

He can tell you plenty.
He hob-knobbed with the biggest.

Shearer, Crawford, Loy.

I rented Greta Garbo's house
and got all her telephone calls.

Young man, don't you think
you're rather extravagant?

Renting an expensive home
like Greta Garbo's?

Well, easy come easy go.

Homer, he's right.
You can't take it with you.

Well, he did.

He didn't bring
any back, I'll bet.

I'll bet.

Tell me George, did you
meet your twin? Brooks Mason.

Oh, yes, we were
practically inseparable.

He even let me use
one of his cars.

Not the $8000 Dusenberg
I've been hearing so much about.

Yes, and I liked it so well,
I bought one myself.


♪ My dog has fleas ♪

♪ My dog has fleas fleas ♪

You see. The dog's alright,
but the fleas are outta tune.

♪ My dog has fleas ♪

- Will you stop that?
- Oh, please, Dorothy.

Just because
your date is late

you don't have
to get all nervous.

After all, maybe
his car ran off a cliff.

Maybe he hit a truck.
Or maybe he ran over a bridge.

Maybe he had an accident.
That would delay him.

Sure, and maybe he's sitting up
with a sick pineapple.

Well, I guess it was just
one of those cruise romances.

I'm not hanging
around in this anymore.

[phone ringing]

It's him.

Well, it's too late.
I've retired.

Goodbye, George.

All I can say is that.
For the best man alive.

I tried that once.

All I got was a waiter.

Ho hum. So here we are
in romantic Hawaii. Ha ha ha.

What's so romantic about it?

Oh, don't let it
upset you, Dorothy.

Don't worry, I won't.

There are plenty
of other fish in the sea.

Well, that maybe
alright for you.

But I'm not the bait
I used to be.

If you wanna go out,
don't let me stop you.

What and leave you alone?
I should say not.

Anyway, I don't think my
boyfriend likes me anymore.

Oh, so you found
a friend already?

Well, he's not
exactly a friend.

I met him in the elevator.

And he said, "Where you going
tonight, girlie?"

And I said, "Third floor."

And he said then, "How about
doing downstairs for a bite?"

So we went downstairs
and I bit him.

[knocking on door]

Who is it?

'A message for Ms. March.'

Please slip it
under the door.

'I can't.
It's on my heart.'

Well, you're not gonna
leave him out there.

- No, no, no.
- Oh, come back here.

Didn't I just see you
on the phone?

Oh, Dorothy, I'm terribly
sorry to be so late.

- Did I keep you waiting long?
- No, we just got into the room.

We still have
our date, haven't we?

Well, it's rather late. In fact,
I was just going to bed.

How do you like that
night gown she's wearing?

Who's side
are you on?

Oh, come on, honey.
Don't be angry.

I've hired a special moon,
just for tonight. Let's go.

Oh, will it be alright
to walk out on M-I-L-L-I-E?

Or will she get M-A-D?

Of course, I won't get drunk.

Wait till I get my ukulele
and I'll be right with you.

[Hawaiian music]

It's lovely, George.

Which hoola is it?

Oh, it's just a hoola.

Well, what does it mean?

After living here
so long

you don't know
that the hoola tells a story?

Oh, the story.

Well, that hoola tells
the story of..

...two lonely tradewinds.

Long, long ago
they blew into the islands.

Two of them?

And lonely.

That is, they were lonely
before they met.

And he fell in love with her.

I suppose the tall handsome
trade wind

knew was a great love
and would last forever and ever.


You see, he'd blown
into so many other ports

and he'd known
so many other girls..

So many other
trade winds. That he knew

in the blink of one
of her lashes

that she was the one.

But the little trade wind
had an unfortunate habit

of taking everything
he said very lightly.

Well, maybe she had
to take them lightly.

Maybe she wanted to find out
if the tall handsome trade wind

was really real.

Wouldn't just..

...well, just blow about things
and then vanish into thin air.

Maybe she wanted him
to be real

more than she ever
wanted anything in all her life.

Maybe she..

Dorothy, I have something
to tell you.


...I don't know
how to begin.

Can it wait?

It's about me.

Oh, I know all about you.

You haven't fooled me one bit.

I've had operator 36
looking you up.

And he tells me
you're a prince or something

from a little kingdom
in the Balkans.

You've come all the way
by foot to ask for my hand.

I know.

I was in a show
about that once.

No, seriously.
I'm afraid it wouldn't work.

In a few weeks you'll
go back to the mainland.

You go on with your dancing,
your career.

I'll be left here with a memory
and a few pineapples.

We'll work it out someway,

But it would be so much better
if I were an actor.

Someone in your business.

For example, someone like
Robert Taylor

or maybe Brooks Mason.

No, no, I wouldn't care
for Brooks Mason.

You wouldn't care
for Brooks Mason?

I like George Smith.

He's down to earth
and real.

Brooks Mason might be
down to earth and real too.

No, men like Mason
are self centered and

No, George.
I'll take you.

And we'll give Brooks Mason
back to the Indians.


Just say..
You can't come in.

- Mr. Smith see nobody.
- Oh, is that so?

- Hello, George.
- Good morning, Gentlemen.

Are you George Smith?

Gotta ask you that, George,
legal formality.

Legal formality?

Got a little warrant
here for you.

- For me?
- I said you, didn't I?

Yes, but..

You mean, you have
a warrant for George Smith?

Look, George,
let's start all over again.

- Are you George Smith?
- Well, I..

- Don't you know?
- Surely.

- Well?
- But I'm not telling.

Alright then, we'll have
to arrest you on suspicion.

Suspicion of what?

- Of being George Smith.
- Now, just a minute.

You tell me what
the warrant's for

and I'll tell you if
I'm George Smith.

Now, isn't that nice.

Listen buddy, we're not trying
to sell you this warrant.

We're givin' it away.

What's it for?

For stealing $50,000.

- I'm not George Smith.
- He's not George Smith.

No, I'm Brooks Mason.

Cut it out, George.

I've known you as a kid.

You coming peaceably or
do I slap the cuffs on you?

Now, just a minute gentlemen.

I can prove my identity.

Wong, come here a minute.

Tell these men who I really am.

He George Smith.

No, no, Wong.

Tell them the truth.
You understand?

The real truth.

Me know ever since
you was a kid.

You Mr. George Smith.

Let me out of here!

Lower your tone!

- It's a mistake, I tell you.
- Your mistake, not mine.

At least let me
make a phone call.

- You got a nickel?
- I wanna call New York.

My friend,
he'll clear me in a minute.

Look, this is a jail.

You get food,
that's all.

No phone calls, no horse back
rides and no pillow fights.

He's not good!

- He's a thief.
- He is not.

I told you that!

George would never do
a thing like that.

I know him too.

I also know when a man
steals $50,000 from me.

I don't believe it.
You never liked him.

You're doing this
to keep us from marrying.

Don't you talk
to me like that.

I'm older than you.

Then you should know
he's innocent.

- He's not!
- He is!

If you were in love with him
you'd know.

If so,
why did he run away?

He didn't run away.
I sent him away.

You sent him?

We had a quarrel
and I told him

he was a dull,
stupid, naive farmer.

So he went to Hollywood.

- To become a man.
- To become a man.

Well, nobody's gonna spend
my money on movie actresses.

Unless it's me.

Pardon the intrusion,
Master George.

There's a young lady here.
Shall I tell her you're in.

- Yes, send her in.
- Thank you, sir.

Okay, miss. You're certainly
making this jail a success.

- Dorothy.
- Darling.

- I'm glad to see you.
- I called and Wong told me.

- It's not true?
- Of course not. It's a mistake.

- Oh, I'm go glad.
- Sit down, will you.

If anything further,
Master George, just ring.

I'll get it if I have to
break the door down to do it.

Now, try to follow me.

George Smith maybe a thief.

He may have stolen
the money.

But I am not George Smith.


I'm Brooks Mason.

- Brooks Mason?
- Yes.

Look, George,
we'll get out of this somehow.

But don't lie to me.

If you didn't take
the money you'll be cleared.

Don't involve
somebody you don't know

just because
you look like him.

Look like him?
I am him. I'm Mason.

I tried to tell you
last night.

Mason's in New York.
You told me that.

I read it
in the ships news.

Well, I lied
to you about that.

And the paper lied too?

Well, the paper wasn't
exactly lying--

Of course, it wasn't.
But you are.

Please come clean
with me, George.

Whatever you did,
I'll stick by you.

- But tell me the truth.
- I am telling you the truth.

I don't believe you.

- Oh, listen to me please.
- Officer, I'm ready to go now.

- Dorothy, please.
- Open this thing, will you?

Dorothy, don't go.
Please listen to me.

Let me tell you
what happened.

I'm not George Smith,
I'm Brooks Mason.

How can you lie like that,

Why, I've known you
since you were a little kid.

Well, young lady..

...to whom am I indebted
for the honor of this visit?

- What?
- To whom am I indebted?

You just said that.

Yes, I know.

Whom have I
the pleasure of addressing?

Who else is here?

But who are you?

Oh, I'm Millie De Grasse.

De Grasse?
De Grasse?

- Those are my two brothers.
- Two broth..

What can I do for you?

Well, it's a long story,
sit down.

- I am sitting down.
- Oh, never mind then.

Mr. Grayson, you're one
of the most influential men

on the island, aren't you?

Well, I--

We would like you
to sign a petition

to spring an innocent man
from the cooler.

Well, if you're sure
he's innocent

I'd be the first to sign
that petition.

Oh, why I knew you would.
I just knew you would.

What's the mans name?

Sign the petition first and
we'll fill in the name later.

Oh no, no, no.
I should say not.

I must know his name.

Oh, I'm sorry, I can't tell
you the man's name.

But George Smith
wouldn't steal anything.


You want to release
a man that robbed me

of $50,000.

Well, why not?
It's a worthy cause.

Worthy cause?

George smith is where
he belongs, in jail.

He's an honest man.

Well, young lady,
let me tell you something.

He took my money to close
a deal with a man called Jones.

Now he can't produce the deal,
he can't produce the money

and he can't produce Jones.

Because there is no Jones.

Oh, well, that shows
what you know.

There is a Jones.

How do you know?

Because I'm Mrs. Jones.

Are you telling me the truth?

Would I lie to you?

Oh, Mr. Grayson.

You don't know what it's like
to live with a crook.

To sleep every night with a gun
under your husbands pillow.

You don't know
what it's like

to kiss your husband goodbye
every morning

and not know whether he'll come
home for dinner, dead or alive.

Mr. Grayson, you got
the wrong man in Jail.

Mr. Jones is the biggest crook
I ever see--

Mr. Jones to see you, sir.

- Mr. Grayson, Clifford Jones.
- How do you do?

What's this I hear about
putting George Smith in Jail?

I'm afraid you're mistaken.

You can be sued
for false arrest.

Well, I know. He had nothing
to show for the money.

And you couldn't be found.

Well, of course,
I couldn't be found.

After I closed
the deal.

I went for a cruise.

I see no reason
for all this confusion.

I gave him a receipt.

- You did?
- Yes.

I've got the papers here,
all signed and sealed.

And another thing, Grayson.

I thought George
was handling this deal for you.

You old skin bag.

Well, I just dropped in
to clear up this situation.

I'd better be running along.
Good bye.

Well, aren't you gonna say
hello to Mrs. Jones?

That's what
I'm gonna do right now.

She's waiting for me
at the hotel.

Good bye.

Would you like to see
a card trick, Mr. Grayson?

A card trick?

Oh, well, if you want the truth,
I told a lie.

You told a lie.

Oh, well,
it doesn't matter now.

I'm so happy for Cecilia.

- Who's Cecilia?
- My daughter.

George and she have been
engaged for years.

George is gonna marry
your daughter.

I'm sure they'll both be
very grateful to you

for your interest.


- Oh!
- Well, what's the matter?

Oh, I wish I was
a contortionist.

I'd kick myself
all the way home.

[knocking on door]

- Come in.
- Darling.

Darling, I'm out.

Yes, I know.
Millie told me.

Well, isn't it great?

Yes, she also told me
about Cecelia.

That's great too.

- Cecelia?
- Yes.

The girl
you're going to marry.

I'm not going to marry Cecelia,
I only met her last night.

Well, that's time enough
for you.

She's engaged
to George Smith.

I know, and you're not
George Smith.

No, I'm Brooks Mason.

Oh, Brooks Mason.

Then let me be the first
to congratulate you

on your engagement
to Gale Brewster.


Brooks Mason, the movie star
admitted to me personally

that he's going to marry
Gale Brewster--

Let me see that.

- That George Smith did that.
- Oh, no.

George Smith is engaged
to Cecelia.

- He gave out that story.
- Now, wait a minute.

If George Smith is engaged
to Cecelia

And Brooks Mason is engaged
to Gale Booster

couldn't you be Joe Dokes
or Simple Simon.

Or maybe Patte Deforga..

I really don't care
who you are.

Please don't
annoy me anymore.

Oh, Dorothy, please let me
explain it to you.

Oh, Dorothy, Dorothy,
let me talk with--

It's better
you don't talk.

The less you say, the less
you take back.

- But I'm Brook--
- You ought to be ashamed.

Everyone in this world is one
person and you have to be two.

- And both of them no good.
- Now, listen, here--

And chances are you're
somebody else, some place else

and engaged to a third girl.

It's..It's trigonometry,
that's what it is.

Now, get out of here,
you bigamist!

You could have
saved me all this.

Why not tell them
who I was?

You say no tell,
Mr. Smith say no tell.

Wong good servant.
Will not tell.

You knew they were
taking me to jail.

Owner say me!
Wong no tell him.

After hang you,
all the same? Wong no tell.

All the same to you.
Wong some dumb.

Oh, you speak Chinese?

- Get me long distance.
- Mr. Mason, you go home now?

Having enough
peace and quiet?

I can't leave. I gotta get Smith
here to marry Ms. Cecelia.

That's the only way
I can prove

that I'm Brooks Mason.

Hello, operator.

Honolulu, calling Brooks Mason.

Just a moment please. I'll
connect you to the floor nurse.

Fifth floor. Mr. Mason?
Oh, just a minute.

There's a Honolulu call
for Mr. Mason.

- Will you take it?
- Honolulu?




George Smith?

Now, look here, Mr. Mason
can't receive any phone calls.

Joe, Joe, it's Mason.

Listen, Joe, you mutton head.


Yeah, well, that goes
for you too.

I mean him.

No, it's no use.

He wouldn't call me
to the phone.

- He never let's me speak.
- Was that a notice?

Nobody by the name of George
Smith could get me on the phone.

I'm harder to talk to
than Napoleon.

Maybe you send telegram.

I never read telegrams.

But Mr. Smith Read telegrams.

Oh, he'll never get it.
Joe throw's 'em away.

This if awful.
What am I gonna do?

Confucius say, he who step
in other men shoes

sometimes get athletes foot.

Oh, never mind the philosophy.

Wong got sensational idea.

- Sensational?
- Hollywood work.

Well, what is it?

Mr. Smith, he love Ms. Cecelia.

If Mr. Smith hear you marry
Ms. Cecelia, he come home fast.

Very quick.

- I can't contact him..
- Mr. Smith, listen to radio.

Hawaii music from hotel.

You keep party,
announce wedding day.

They broadcast from hotel.
He come home very quick.

No, that never will..

Why, that's a wonderful idea.

All the same
Wong some dum, huh?

All the same,
Wong knows his stuff.

[ballroom music]

Ladies and gentlemen,
for a first presentation

Ms. Dorothy March is a tribute
to the islands.

Will do a native drum dance
a hoola and her version

of a native dance,
done with taps.

[hoola music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

- You know her?
- No.

We met on the boat.

But casually.

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[audience applauding]

Exciting, wasn't she?

I wish you'd look
at me like that.

Well, you dance like that
and I'll look like that.


Well, come on.

[instrumental music]

Well, glamour pants,
I fixed it this time.

I've really got something.

In a few minutes, I'll
take you out of here.


Mr. Duffy, I don't think
it'll work.

There's a big crowd outside.

And besides, the trunk
hasn't come yet.

If the trunk doesn't get here,
I'll take him

in a briefcase...if I have
to make two trips.

We've got to make
that personal appearance.

- Quiet. This is Honolulu.
- Honolulu?

(man on radio)
'Ladies and gentlemen,
I have been requested'

'to announce the forth marriage
here in the fiesta room'

'on June twelfth, of that very
popular young couple'

'Ms. Cecelia Grayson
and Mr. George Smith.'

'Let's ask them to take a bow.'

- Holy mackerel.
- What is it? What is it?

Didn't you hear?
He's gonna marry her.

Look, I know this confinement
is driving you crazy

but what do you care who marries
who in Honolulu?

What do I care?
I'll kill him.

- I'll mangle him.
- Now, Brooksy.

Don't call me Brooksy. I'm not
Brooks Mason. I'm Smith.

From Honolulu. And what's more,
that's where I'm going.

Right now.

Oh well. He'll be back. He can't
get through that crowd.

Turn the bed down again.


- Get me out of this.
- Take it easy.

What's the matter
with you people?

- Easy boy.
- I wanna go home.

Now, quiet. Quiet please.

I'm going to give you
a psychological test, Mr. Mason.

Don't call me Mr. Mason. I told
you, my name is Smith.

You think you're gonna test me
for anything, you're crazy.

Mr. Smith, if you object
to being tested

but I'm sure you wont mind
answering a few questions.

Now, you simply answer
by mentioning a word

which my word brings
to your mind.

You needn't bother to think.

Just say the first word
that comes into your head

when you hear my word.

- Home.
- Honolulu.

- House.
- Honolulu.

- Love.
- Honolulu.

- Marriage.
- Honolulu.

- Honolulu?
- Honolulu.

- Honolulu?
- Yeah.

Gosh, we can't get him
out of Honolulu.

Just as I thought.

His affliction is quite
common to psychiatry.

- You think so?
- Oh, yes.

That's what I thought too.

It is the type of psychosis
which is characterized

by the complete loss of contact
with environments

and disintegration
of personality.

You took the words right
out of my mouth, doc.

Another bet, this guy
is battier than Mason.

Yes, I'm persuaded.

To explain it simpler it is
a clear case of schizophrenia.


Sounds bad
and what stage is it, doctor?

You must take him to Honolulu.

Perhaps, there, in the
environment he craves

he will regain
his normal personality.

Oh, well, it's about time.

We'll take the clipper, Joe.

- I got to be there by the 12.
- Hurry, nurse.

Home, home, at last.

[plane droning]

Hello, hello, get me
the airport.

If that clipper travels
as slow as your mind, I'm sunk.

Hello, any news of the clipper?


Nothing definite yet?


What do I care
about headwinds?

Don't you realize I'm gonna
be married in a few minutes?

Well, thank you very much.

Oh, never mind
the congratulations.

Get that ship in.

[knock on the door]
Come in!

Well, Mr. Smith.

Your slip is showing.

Oh, never mind that.
Tell me about Dorothy.

So, you're gonna go
through with it?

You're gonna marry this girl
because she has

a big plantation
with lovely pineapples.

Well, I think you're terrible,
horrible and despicable.

And that's only a hint of
what I really think of you.

Millie, tell me please,
what did Dorothy say?

Well, how can she talk
and cry at the same time?

You, you friend in the grass.

- You're terrible, horrible--
- Terrible, horrible, yeah--

Wait a minute.
You hear anything?

Not a thing.
Did you hear anything?


Well, if I hear anything
I'll let you know.

And I hope you forget
to tuck your shirt in.

Oh, Wong, I'm lost,
I'm sunk, I'm cooked.

- Wait, Wong got great idea.
- What is it?

- You marry Miss Cecelia.
- Me?

You marry Miss Cecelia,
Mr. Smith get here

he take her on honeymoon,
everybody happy.

Oh, that's the most stupid
and imbecilic suggestion

I ever heard in my life.

- But I'll have to take it.
- I know, you'll like it.

[wedding music]

Dearly, beloved.

We're gathered here
to join together this man

and this woman
in holy matrimony--


I forgot the ring.

I'll...have to go and get it.
I'll be right back.

Come on, Wong.
It's the clipper.

- I'm certainly glad I got here.
- You're glad?

I almost had to married Cecelia.

- That would have been awful.
- What?

I-I mean..

...it would have been
awful for you.

She's crazy about you now.


Well, I mean, uh..

...I know she's crazy about you
by the way she kisses me.

George, if you don't
come out this minute, I--

'Coming, coming.'

To love and to cherish..

...till death us do apart.

The ring, please.

The ring.

'Well, I..'

The ring.

- 'The ring.'
- Yes, the ring.


Wait, Brooks, you can't do that.

Please, don't
let him do it, folks.

I'll take him out quietly.
He's perfectly harmless.

Now, Brooksie old boy,
come right--

Go away. Can't you even let me
get married in peace?

You need a rest,
not marriage.

- How dare you?
- Who are you?

I'm his manager,
he's not in his right mind.

- Come on, Broo--
- I am in right mind.

There's your man.

[indistinct chattering]


George, what is all this?

Oh, Cecelia if I ever
try to tell you, now--

Ring, ring.


[indistinct chattering]

There, now. He'll be alright.
Stand back, everybody.

He'll be alright.

I'm going back
to the wedding.

- Get him a glass of water.
- Okay.

- What happened?
- A man just fainted.

Oh, a man just fainted.
A man just fainted.

Get up, get up.
Get up, get up, get up.

- What? What happened?
- Oh, you missed it.

A man just fainted.

It's probably me.

- Oh, thank you.
- I can't get over it.

It's amazing.

Oh, this whole thing
is unbelievable.

They look exactly alike.

The same color eyes,
the same hair, the same size.

No wonder I was fooled.

- Don't let that bother you.
- Boy, was I fooled?

All my brothers look alike.

You can't tell 'em apart.

I've been with him for weeks
and didn't know the difference.

- Imagine that.
- Oh, my poor brother..

Something terrible
happened to my brother.

Imagine two fellows separated
that distance..

My brother was held up
last night.

...and still looked
exactly alike.

- I wouldn't believe it.
- Did you hear me?

- By two me, two.
- It's, it's..

- My brother.
- Two.

- Yeah.
- Your brother?

- He was held up?
- Yes.

- Where?
- All the way home.

Look, Miss I just fainted,
you see, I'm--

- He's my brother by marriage.
- I'm not well--

You see, my father married
my mother and he's their son.

I'm very nervous, you see.

Me the boss..

The manager didn't know
my own boss.

Of course, you'd like my family.
I've a very nice family.

We all live together.

See, there's my father
and my uncle, my brother

my cousin, my nephew
sleep in one bed. And then--

- They all sleep in one bed?
- Uh-huh.

I'm surprised your grandfather
isn't sleeping with them.

My grandfather was sleeping
with them but he died

so, they made him get up.

- Well, is your sister alright?
- Oh, my poor sister.

My sister's been home
two weeks now with a canary.

With a canary?

Canary is hatching
an ostrich egg.

A canary is hatching
an ostrich egg?

But the canary is
too small to cover the egg.

- Well.
- Well.

My sister's sitting
on the egg

and holding the canary
in her lap.

I'm gonna get an aspirin.

Why, I haven't got a headache
I feel good.

[instrumental music]

Hey, Joe, where's Millie?

She went down at the boat
to meet her sister.

Yoo-hoo, yoo-hoo.

Come on, sis.

- Where?
- There they are.


Did you ever see two people
look so much alike?

Oh-ho, don't be silly, Millie.

They don't look
any more alike than we do.

[all laughing]

[theme music]

[music continues]