Honky Tonk Freeway (1981) - full transcript
Ticlaw, a small town in Florida, has only one attraction: a safari park. The government constructs a freeway that passes near Ticlaw, but decides not to put an exit into the town. The people of Ticlaw, led by its Mayor, will do anything in order to convince the governor to alter the project.
[Crickets chirping]
[Birds chirping]
Captioning made possible by
lions gate entertainment
[explosion]
[Indistinct shouting]
[Gavel pounding]
Man: We have no exit from
this freeway, Mr. Kirk!
How am I gonna
sell my gasoline?
Woman: We can't live
without tourists.
We'll just die,
that's all.
Man: Without an exit, we won't
have any business here.
A whole lot of stores
are gonna have to close!
Quiet! Shh!
I understand
your irritation.
But our studies indicate
that the town of ticlaw
does not qualify
for an exit
based on our
demographic analyzation.
[Shouting]
No! No.
You're just
too small!
All: Too small?
Please, now,
come on.
There--there's an--
there is an exit...
35 miles south,
the town of Marshall.
But they'll get
all our tourists!
[Shouting]
Now, now, now, now--
hey, hey, hey! Look!
We can't give every little
piddly-assed town an exit!
[Shouting]
Piddly-assed town?
Kirby, talk
to that man!
Man: Kirby, talk to him!
Now, Mr. Kirk has come
all the way down here
from Tallahassee,
and I don't think we all
should be rude to the man.
However, I do
think it's time
that, uh, Mr. Kirk and I
had a little chat.
How about some lunch?
[Kirby narrating]
I have never liked
dealing with the government.
The only time
you hear from them
is when they want to take
something from you
or do something to you.
But this here hotel of mine
has been the focal point
of this town
since the Indians.
Of course,
some of the guests
seem to have been here
since the Indians, too.
But we've been makin'
all kinds of improvements
to attract
some new tourists--
a younger crowd.
And this man here is tryin'
to keep them tourists
from gettin' here.
Mornin', James.
Kirk: Great lion. Hmm!
Kirby: He's got
the runs right now,
but by the time
we get our exit,
we expect him to be
stable and healthy.
Mm-hmm.
Anyway, we got 2 more
comin', plus a rhino.
[Elephant trumpeting]
Kirk: Oh, my.
Now, there s an elephant.
Kirby: That's bubbles.
She's a genius.
Won't make a whole
lot of difference
if no one
comes to see her.
Well, it won't
take a genius
to get people here,
I don't think.
That's right.
What it'll take
is an exit
from your freeway.
How do we get it?
You take 10,000 trips
under the table.
That's how you do it.
10,000--
10,000 trips
under the table.
Payable in cold, hard, green,
laundered you-know-what.
You want it?
We want it.
[Marching band playing]
[Indistinct chatter]
73, 74, 75, $76.
Come and get your balloons!
Ok, let me take your money.
Throw a pie and save ticlaw.
Throw a pie and save tic--.
[Woman laughing]
Kirby: We have
a great turnout, honey.
I think we're gonna make it.
Woman: Oh, yes!
All right!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Woman: Oh, it's wonderful!
[Laughs]
Pancakes! Pancakes!
Get your pancakes!
How much is that?
$170!
That makes it over--
that's 170.
That's over
$10,000!
[Cheering]
That one there
is yours.
Looks like you got
your exit, Mr. Calo.
Yes, sir. We all
got what we wanted.
God bless you, boy.
Bye-bye.
Bye, now.
Now, forget
you saw any of this.
Man: Saw what, Mr. Kirk?
[Kirby narrating]
Well, we all thought
that was that.
We had ourselves
a real victory
for our piddly-assed town.
[Applause]
Man over P.A.:
Andrew Jackson freeway!
Kirk, what the hell
is this?
You promised US
an exit,
and now this damn
freeway's open.
The other 3 commissioners
voted no on ticlaw.
Now, I mean, who--
who would've guessed?
I don't give
a fuck about
the other
3 commissioners.
I gave you $10,000,
not the other
3 commissioners.
Now, you see
my people over there?
Kirby, that thing's
gotta come down.
We got
plenty more signs
where that one
come from.
Now, we're gonna make
a big stink right here!
Oh, no, you're not!
I'm talkin'
to the governor.
Governor! Governor!
[Kirby narrating]
Well, what do you expect?
You lie down with dogs,
you get up with fleas.
But the point is,
you get up
and you do something.
Now, I knew
at that very moment
tourists from
all over america
were headed toward Florida.
And what we had to do
was to figure out
how to get 'em into ticlaw.
* the highway
stretches out *
* just like a snake
across the land *
* it tells a simple story
* that everyone
can understand *
* leave your worries
all behind you *
* there's a better
life ahead *
* and the highway
gypsies follow *
* every word
the highway says *
* it's a honky tonk freeway
* it's america on wheels
* motel rooms, neon lights
* drive-in, drive-out meals
* well, it's winding
cross the country *
* just as far
as you can see *
* on the honky tonk freeway
[bus horn honking]
* it's where I wanna be
come on, come on.
Move it,
move it, move it!
[Bus horn honking]
Do we have to go
so fast, sister?
[Bus horn honking]
[Bus horn honking]
Oh, sister,
we're going much too fast.
Uh, we're only going
45 miles an hour.
Yes, but that's
much too fast.
Put on your brakes.
Oh, sister,
if I put on my brakes--
I am your superior.
Put on your brakes.
[Brakes squealing]
Oh, shit!
[Brakes squealing]
Oh.
That's better.
* it's a honky tonk freeway
* it's a paradise on wheels
* motel rooms, neon lights
* drive-in, drive-out meals
* well, it's winding
cross the country *
* just as far
as you can see *
* on the honky tonk freeway
* that's where I wanna be
[dog barking]
I'm o.J.--
O.J. Simpson.
Number 32
comin' through.
[Laughs]
I'm o.J. Simpson.
I gotta
get me a commercial
and run
through airports.
[Laughing]
I'm o.J. Simpson.
Greatest
football player
that ever lived.
Look at that.
Straight arm.
I'm o.J. Simpson.
Why did we
wear our uniforms?
They'll know
it was US.
They'll never suspect
it was real sanitation men.
They'll think
we stole the uniforms.
Who would
steal the uniform
of a sanitation man?
Woman: Next!
People.
Crazy people.
Look around you.
You know,
they cut off
my welfare checks,
and I was going
to Israel
with that money.
Here, boy.
[Laughing]
Man: I'm sorry.
I can't cash it for you.
Woman:
It's a government check.
It's a state check,
and you only have $8
in your checking account.
It's bank policy.
Bank policy.
Bank policy.
[Muttering]
Ooh, I didn't know that
cantaloupes was in season.
Please, I don't
wanna get caught.
Who's gonna catch US?
Bum: Ok!
[Laughing]
I hear that prison
is unpleasant.
It's crowded.
The food is no good.
Nobody cares!
Woman: Next!
I need this check cashed.
Please!
Next!
She scares me.
I'll handle her.
Woman 1: Talk to an officer.
Woman 2: I already
talked to an officer.
He said
he couldn't help me!
Then I can't
help you either.
[Crying]
Excuse US.
Checking or savings?
Neither.
Well, then
I can't help you.
Go to the end
of the line.
It's a robbery.
Oh, shit.
I need this today.
Shit this.
And if you try
anything funny,
I'll blow
your ugly head right off.
Man: Eugene!
Would you shut up?
I never seen you
become so abusive.
I'm robbin' a bank.
I don't have to be nice.
Mary, what do I do
when I'm being robbed?
You give US the money.
That's what you do,
beard-face.
Eugene!
Would you shut up
with that Eugene bit?
You give 'em
the money. Next!
You would give them
all your money,
and you won't cash
a government check?
Dear, they have a gun.
[Grunts]
Please! I talked
to an officer twice!
What's the problem, miss?
I don't know.
Maybe you
can help me.
I'm an actress,
I'm on unemployment,
and they won't cash
my unemployment check.
You have
any identification?
W-Well, sure.
Here's
my driver s license.
All right.
I'll initial it.
But just this once.
That doesn't
mean anything.
Eugene.
Cash the check,
Turkey tits.
How would you
like that, ma'am?
In cash.
[Mumbling]
Come on. Load it up,
miss piggy.
[Bum shouting]
Thank you so much.
I find you
enormously attractive.
How would you like
to accompany US
to the sunny
state of Florida?
Oh, gee,
I'd really love to,
but I have
an audition.
Then sit
on my face, bitch.
Greatest football player
that ever lived!
[Horns honking]
[Tires screeching]
[Tires screeching]
[Horns honking]
[Dogs barking]
[Siren wailing]
Act like you're
a garbage man.
You better become
a garbage man.
I'm o.J. Simpson!
There he is!
I'm o.J.!
Ok, grab him.
[All shouting]
Hey! Hey!
No! There was 2 of them!
They went out the door!
That is not
the right guy!
That's not him!
This is a lousy
neighborhood.
I look
like shit.
It don't
feel good.
I look
like shit.
Of course
you look like shit.
You're dressed
in a dirty sheet.
Ever see yourself,
you son of a bitch?
You ugly bastard!
Look in the mirror!
I got an idea.
Get some bags.
Get on the truck.
[Both laughing]
We made it!
We did it!
All right!
All right!
We did it!
All right!
All right!
[Both laughing]
Oh, baby!
What a job!
[Laughing]
Oh! Oh!
Is that
the right bag?
Of course
it's the right bag.
Are you sure
that's the right bag?
I'm positive!
[Shouting in
foreign language]
Eugene!
You son
of a bitch!
It's all right!
What's gonna
be all right?
An empty fuckin'
can of garbage!
Yes! The money!
[Both laughing
and shouting]
We're rich!
We're rich!
* my mommy's
pouring cheerios
* hurrah
* hurrah
* she's pouring on
the oats for US *
* hurrah, hurrah
[blender whirring]
[Kids shouting]
Ok. Whee!
"Ricky,
the carnivorous pony,
by Duane Hansen."
Duane Hansen.
"Once upon a time
in a faraway land,
"there was
this pony,
and his name
was Ricky."
Get to
the "munch, munch" part!
Oh, it's coming.
It's coming.
"None of the children
could ride him
no matter how hard
they tried."
Come on,
boys, eat.
Yeah, why not?
"Because when
a child
reached his hand
up to Ricky,"
aah!
"Munch, munch.
"Went Ricky's powerful,
flat, yellow teeth.
"And crunch, crunch,
"crunch. Mmm...
"That little boy
was entirely devoid
"of fingers.
[Horn honking]
Whee!"
The bus is here.
"Whee! Whee!
And the blood ran
across his blue lips."
Duane,
the bus is here.
Come on, guys.
The bus is here.
Let's go.
Whee!
Whee!
Whee! Whee! Whee!
Woman on TV:
It's a great pleasure now
to introduce my next guest,
Barbara Reese,
formerly Bob Reese.
A woman who underwent
a sex change--
a sex operation.
Um, mittens, boys.
Welcome, Barbara.
Barbara, man's voice:
Thank you, Kelly.
How did your wife
first react to the news
when you went to her
and you said to her,
"I want to be a woman"?
Well, she was
not at all pleased.
[Shouting]
Daddy!
Denny!
Munch, munch!
[Growling]
Be good while I'm away.
Kelly on TV: When did you
first decide, Barbara,
that you wanted to be
a woman, not a man?
Barbara: Well, actually,
I first decided
when I was a soldier
during the Vietnam war.
Jimmy dropped his cap.
Barbara: I believe it was
during the tet offensive.
Oh, they left
their mittens.
Yes, Duane.
Kelly: Well, did you
manage to keep your same job?
[TV making
whirring noises]
Barbara: I did get
my old job back, yes.
I do the same work
that I always did,
the only
difference being
that I get paid
less for it now.
Is something
burning?
Kelly: You have 2 children.
It's your book.
Duane: My book?
By your longtime marriage.
How do they react
to the fact that you're--
Mrs. Hansen: No parent
in their right mind
would buy a book
for their child
called Ricky,
the carnivorous pony.
Your stories
are sick, Duane.
My stories
are funny, char.
I don't find them funny.
And I don't
find you funny.
Barbara: See, they think
that their father
is away on a job, and--
Kelly: But what
do they call you?
Auntie.
[Horn honking]
* well, my man
* he ain't
man enough for me *
[inaudible shouting]
* no, my man
* ain't enough
for a girl like me *
* well, he just don't know
* how to treat me right
* oh, I can't go through
another lonely night *
* he comes home
from work each evening *
* grabs a beer
* and watches TV
* I sweat and slave
to make his frozen dinners *
[horns honking]
* but he just sits
and lets his supper be *
* oh, my man
* he ain't
man enough for me *
* no, my man
* ain't enough
for a girl like me *
* he just don't know
* how to treat me right
[music fades]
[Elephant bellows]
Ok, I'm ready down here.
Let's go!
All right,
let 'er rip!
Go ahead, bubbles.
[Trumpeting]
Are you sure
about this?
Let her go!
I'm telling you,
people will drive 35 miles
just to see
a water-skiing elephant.
All right, hang on!
Come on!
No, stop!
[Motor revving]
[Both yelling]
Oh, lord!
Woman: Oh, my stars,
you're all wet!
I know that, honey.
Well, did bubbles get up?
Bubbles is not
applying herself today.
Did you get
them in Utah?
It's ringing.
It's ringing.
Oh, let's get
you dried off.
Woman: Morning, Mr. Calo.
Having a nice vacation,
are you, miss barbutti?
It goes by too quickly.
Yes, it d--
hello!
Yes, I'd like to speak
to Mr. Damon Clark,
right now if--
woman: Mr. Calo?
Yes, Mrs. Lewenowski?
There aren't any more
reservations today.
Should I let
some of the girls go?
No, no. Uh--
stand by your stations.
Someone'll show up.
Hello, this is
safari parks, Utah?
Listen, son,
are the lions
and the rhino
on their way?
They're on the truck?
You sure now?
Good.
Say, tell me
something, son.
We're gonna have
to keep that rhino
in the garage
for a couple of weeks.
Will that be ok?
Aw, shit.
[All shouting]
[Rhino bellowing]
Get him up the other way!
Get him up the other--
get him--get him up
to the other end!
Now don't be afraid of him!
* when you're out
there on the road *
* and you feel
you could explode *
* and you
[scatting]
[Tempo increases
on drum machine]
* when you're out
there on the road *
[rhino bellowing]
* and your truck's
become your home *
you're holding back,
you're feeling--dreams.
Dreams.
We're almost ready.
Mm-hmm.
Just a few more seconds,
I think.
Mm-hmm.
He's very close
to the ramp.
[Yelling]
[Cheering]
[Yelling]
It's the damnedest thing.
He likes the snow.
[Dog barking]
Hey, tell me
if you like this, ok?
[Drum machine playing]
* when you're out
there on your own *
* doo, doo, doo,
doo, doo, doo, doo *
* and you're
holding back your-- *
* doo, doo,
doo, doo, doo *
you like
that one?
Yeah, it's ok.
Uh, the words
aren't too good.
Oh, these ain't
the words.
I put the words
in later.
Oh. Then it's very good.
I mean, for a song
without words
written by
a truck driver,
it's excellent.
Hey, I'm not
a truck driver.
I'm a songwriter.
[Man yelling]
Uh, it's ok.
[Men shouting]
[Grunting]
Man: Yee-hoo! Whoo!
Rhino's loaded!
The rhino's loaded?
* da, da, da
* the rhino's loaded
* the rhino's loaded
* and he's holdin'
* back his feelings
[indistinct singing]
Keep on singin'!
[Scatting]
* everybody's goin'
faster, faster *
* everybody's goin'
faster, faster *
* doo, doo, doo
Man on speaker:
Oh, hey, Carmen!
Hey.
Man: Are you, uh, gonna
be at Oliver's tap
again tonight?
Oh, I don't know.
I'm on vacation.
Oh! Good for you!
Shoot, I wanted
to take you out.
I got a new car.
This sure
is a lot of money
you're pullin' out,
Carmen.
300, 400, 500.
Hey, you ought to see
the inside of my car.
It's all tufted
in velour, you know.
Thousand,
thousand five hundred,
two thousand five,
three thousand
five hundred.
Well, that just about
closes you out, Carmen.
You better be careful
with all that.
Oh, I will.
Have a good vacation.
Man over speaker:
Yes, may we help you?
Lolita Shelby, please.
The final remains
of lolita Shelby
may be viewed in
pass-through number three.
Hey, is that you,
Danny Corbin?
Yes. Yes, it is.
Who is this?
It's Carmen Odessa Shelby.
Remember me?
Carmen Shelby? Sure.
I remember
you and me
in the back seat
of my car. We--
oh, I-I m sorry about
your mama. Real sorry.
Um, where did you say
she was again?
Pass-through
number three.
Would you like to take
your mama with you
or have her sent?
I'll take her.
[Starts engine]
[Organ playing]
[Organ continues]
[Chorus vocalizing]
[Rock music playing]
* the road
is like a river *
* and it keeps me
movin' on *
* just another
nameless driver *
* in a rollin marathon
* leave your worries
all behind you *
* there's
a better life ahead *
* and the highway
gypsies follow *
* every word
the highway says *
* it's a honky tonk
freeway *
* it's america on wheels
* motel rooms,
neon lights *
* drive in,
drive-out meals *
[horn honking]
* and it's winding
cross the country *
[honking continues]
* just as far
as you can see *
hey, what time is it?
3:30.
You know,
you're very cute.
Oh.
You're both
very cute. Bye.
* it's a honky tonk
freeway *
* it's paradise on wheels
* motel rooms,
neon lights *
* drive in,
drive-out meals *
* and it's winding
cross the country *
* just as far
as you can see *
* on the honky tonk
freeway *
* that's where
I wanna be *
Woody.
Sherm, wait for me.
Carol.
Your nose is powdered,
your lipstick's on,
your hair is combed.
You look fine.
Come on.
Let's have lunch.
Sherm, I'm not drunk.
Oh, god!
It's just
a little accident.
It's just
a little accident.
Do you have to
booze it up, Carol?
A mixed drink
is not booze, sherman.
It's a cocktail.
A before-dinner drink.
But dinner isn't
for 5 hours yet.
Ah, yes. But what
you're forgetting, sherm,
is that time
is relative.
To what, Carol? Life?
No, sherm. Need.
Time is relative to need.
Einstein was wrong.
Terrific car.
Look at that.
Hey, uh,
and terrific stuff, too.
Let's take the car
and the stuff.
Nope, that's wrong.
We're not gonna take
their stuff.
What, are you crazy?
Nope.
Come on.
Nope.
You've gotta
be nuts.
Will you try it
for a few weeks?
Sherm,
I'm not an alcoholic.
Your mother
was an alcoholic.
Where did she
do her drinking?
Alone.
You see?
Now, am I alone?
And did she hide her bottle
in the rice krispies
and the laundry hamper
and shoe box?
Yep. Yep, yep, yep.
Now, these are symptoms
of the alcoholic.
Classic symptoms.
Do I have
any of these symptoms?
No, you don't.
Thank you.
Can I get you
anything to drink?
I'll have
5 old-fashioneds.
Coke for me.
Do you realize, sherman,
I have never purchased
a bottle of liquor
in my life?
Oh, I know that.
So how could I be
an alcoholic
if I've never purchased
a bottle of liquor?
Carol, you're having
5 old-fashioneds
for lunch.
That is an alcoholic.
I'm hungry. Besides,
these are mixed drinks.
Do you know
an alcoholic anywhere
who only drinks
mixed drinks?
The other four
will be here right away.
No hurry.
This place
is so cute.
Cheers.
[Sighs] Cheers.
Didn't your ad agency
name the swizzle stick, sherm?
No.
Weaver, O'Leary
and mudge
named the swizzle stick
in 1924.
You notice how I never
suck my orange slice?
That's the sure sign
of an alcoholic.
Just go to one meeting,
Carol. Try it. Please.
No.
Someone is stealing
our car, sherm.
What? You're already
mumbling, Carol.
It's only 1:30,
and you're mumbling.
Why would they steal the car
and leave the luggage?
Just try it
for a few weeks.
Well, it looks
like our car.
Carol, if you pass out
with your head
against the window
while I'm driving,
I'm just gonna pull over
onto the shoulder.
I swear it.
It's too lonely
driving like that.
Sherm, will you
please look--
oh, look it here.
Honey, could you pour me
another cup of coffee?
Caffeine.
Caffeine.
[TV playing
indistinctly]
[Sighs]
Isn't this beautiful?
Mm-hmm.
This is
monument valley, kids.
Delia, little Billy,
look at monument valley.
TV: I'm a doctor,
I know that--
kids, you know,
this is where our forefathers
carved their way
through the wilderness
all by themselves.
Mommy,
I have to go potty.
Oh, crud. Euphemisms.
We're looking for a place.
We're gonna
stop soon, pumpkin.
Mr. Kramer: We are
not going to stop
until we are
in new Mexico.
Little Billy,
you can use
the r.V. Bathroom.
He does not like to use
the bathroom in the r.V.
But hurry, mommy.
I have to go tinkle.
Mrs. Kramer:
He has to go tinkle.
Crud. Why can't you just
call it what it is?
Delia.
Say, "I have
to urinate."
Delia.
Say, "I have to piss."
Say, "I have to let go
with the yellow flow."
Delia! Put that down.
Little Billy,
now, you can use
the r.V. Bathroom.
It's got one. That's why
we bought the n-25 unit.
Just go back there
and use it like a man.
No!
He doesn't like
the r.V. Bathroom.
He likes to pee
in gas stations.
He's a freak!
[Laughs]
It's just a phase.
Do you know how many
root canals I did
to pay for this
damn thing?
96.
I bought it so we could
all be together.
So far,
nobody's eaten in it,
nobody's slept in it,
so he can damn well
pee in it!
You know something?
I've just about had it
with all of you.
Next summer,
they can go off
to summer camp,
and you and i--
ok, ok. You can go
where you wanna go,
and I will go
somewhere else.
Kirby: Now, a number
of you people
have been comin' up to me
and sayin' that
this town is failing.
But I think god
wants US to be successful.
Hallelujah!
All:
Hallelujah!
Hallelujah for ticlaw!
All: Hallelujah for ticlaw!
But he's testing you.
Yes, he is.
The lord said,
"what you give unto me,
I will return
onto you tenfold."
Well, one
of our brothers
sittin' right here
amongst US
on his income tax
only reported fivefold.
And the government
didn't like that.
[Murmuring]
But he had faith,
a loving wife
and a great accountant.
Praise god
for our brother!
All: Praise god!
We are all, each
and every one of US,
being tested.
Now, one of
the loveliest creatures
in our congregation
came to me and she said,
"reverend, I am
hooked on valium."
Yes, she did!
[Murmuring]
"I cannot even go
to the 7-Eleven store
without taking
3 valiums," she said.
"I am afraid--"
she said,
"I am afraid
that one night
"while I am
serving dinner,
"I will trip and fall
"into the shag carpet
and disappear,
never to come up again."
I said,
"woman, you get up!"
And she did get up,
found faith,
and she found god!
[Shouts of "amen"]
And she threw away
her valium.
Yes, she did.
We are all being tested,
each and every one of US.
The lord said to me,
"build a safari park
in ticlaw."
Then they came along
and built their superhighway
right next to US.
[Murmuring]
He didn't say nothin'
about no exit.
But that is our test--
how to get them here
with no exit.
So we're gonna try
everything and anything,
and I mean anything,
and we are gonna rise up
to this challenge.
Yes, we are.
We are gonna soar like
eagles if we stick together.
If we stand up
and sing together,
because we got faith!
* oh, ticlaw, ticlaw
* wonderful, beautiful
part of heaven *
* ticlaw, ticlaw
* wonderful,
beautiful town *
* oh, ticlaw, ticlaw
* wonderful, beautiful
part of heaven *
* ticlaw, ticlaw
* wonderful,
beautiful town *
man: Kirby, I think
this is crazy, man.
Look, people are startin'
to complain,
and I really feel
that it's illegal.
This is not illegal.
And we are desperate.
This is a resort town.
We gotta get
our tourists here.
Yeah, but I'm the sheriff
of this town, man.
I'm the mayor!
I'm the minister of
the ticlaw baptist church.
I'm the president of
the rotary of the elks,
and I have 2 lions
and a rhinoceros
coming here.
And I warned you about that.
I told you that's a dumb idea,
that safari park.
Don't be afraid to pour
it on there, r.G.!
There are too many
safari parks in Florida.
This place is startin'
to look like Africa.
And the next thing
you'll want me to do
is walk around
with a spear
and a bone
through my nose.
Well, now,
that ain't a bad idea.
Oh, no.
Why don't you come out
and join US and help US
and give US a hand?
No.
Do it for me as a favor.
Man, I don't know.
Well, then, do it
for private enterprise.
Do it for the little guy,
for Christ s sakes.
Sheriff:
I don't know, Kirby.
Ok, all clear now! Come on!
Let's go! Come on!
Woman: Come on, now,
honey bubbles.
Take another donut,
and pull.
Come on.
Pull!
That's it.
One more, now.
All right.
Oh, that's beautiful!
Could I, uh--
excuse me, could I have
more coffee, please?
Bitch.
[Indistinct chatter]
Thanks.
Thank you.
Here.
This waitress--
hey, are you a--
[chuckles]
No, you go on.
Oh, nothin'.
I was just gonna say
that these waitresses
are impossible.
Yeah?
They don't care.
It's kinda late
and all.
What's your name?
Duane Hansen.
I'm Carmen Odessa
Shelby.
Are you a writer
or somethin' or what?
No.
No, uh--
what do you do?
I'm a waitress.
[Chuckles]
You makin' fun of me
now or what?
[Chuckles] No.
I bet you're
a good waitress.
What, um--
what's in that thing there?
Is that, uh, pebbles?
Seashells?
What?
Actually,
it's my mother.
What?
Well, she wanted
to be cremated.
She was real dramatic
and she said,
"when I'm gone,
burn me up."
So, I did.
Hey, what's
your name again?
Duane.
Mama, this is Duane.
Duane, this is my mama,
lolita Shelby.
It's kind of hard
to believe
there's a 250-pound
woman in there
with dirty hair
and a double chin,
now isn't it?
Yeah.
It's kind of--
my mama wore wigs.
For the past 3 days,
I've been throwin' out
wigs, wigs
and more wigs.
Anyway, uh,
what do you do?
I repair copy machines.
That's difficult.
You can't get just anybody
to do that.
You got a skill.
You wouldn't wanna
go have a drink
or something?
A drink or something?
Yeah.
Well, gosh.
I don't know,
it's-it's late.
Yeah, it's late.
So what?
Do you--do you
live alone or what?
No, I live with my--
i--
I'm sorry
about your mother.
Yeah.
We were friends.
She was a waitress, too.
And we were gonna go
on vacation together.
So that's why I say
you just gotta live day by day.
And the future?
I talk too much.
Nobody wants to hear it.
Everybody thinks I'm crazy.
Well, we're all crazy.
Right?
[Chuckles]
So hey,
what's your sign?
* look at those women
look at those men *
* throwin'
their lives away *
* hopin' lady luck
will get them down *
* this honky tonky freeway
* and there's,
there's a rhino loose *
* ooh, she loves
that juice *
* she hits the nearest bar
then waves to every car *
* she's got nothin'
else to do *
* everybody's goin'
faster faster *
* everybody's goin'
faster faster *
[music fades]
[Moans] Oh, it's kinking up
on me again.
Ooh!
I know what's wrong
with you.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
You don't know.
You don't.
I do know. I do.
Honey, would you
just relax?
I'm relaxed.
Are we there yet?
Almost, sweetheart.
When will we be there?
Soon.
Little Billy.
What?
[Water running]
Freak!
[Indistinct chatter]
I'm gonna try it again.
[Engine cranking]
[Horn honking continuously]
[Horn stops]
I can't stand this.
I can't stand it.
They can take away
my job,
they can take away
our house
and make US live
in a condominium
with a bunch
of old farts,
but they cannot
take away my car!
[Horns honking]
Give me back my car,
you bastards!
Give me back--
give me back my car!
Stop it, sherman.
Get back in this car.
Get control of your life!
I have never seen you
like this.
I liked that car.
It was my prize.
I know.
It was an honor.
Best ad man--
1956, 57, 58.
1954, 55, 56, Carol.
Will you get
my career straight
just for once?
Where's the tow truck?
It's not coming.
They're not gonna
even let US die
in Florida playing
shuffleboard.
It's gonna be right
here, tonight, Carol.
Don't be morbid.
The truck will come.
I can see my New York times
obituary right now.
"Sherman schaffler
"sneezed himself to
death in a rented car
by the side of the road
with his alcoholic wife."
Oh, I-I m sorry.
I didn t mean that.
I know.
Well...
I'm going to walk
to the nearest
gas station.
I'll go with you.
We're in this together.
* years from now
[Carol grunting]
* I'll want you
* years from now
* and I'll love you
[horn honking]
* years from now
* as I love you tonight
hi. What seems
to be the problem?
The damn thing
won't start.
That's the problem.
The damned thing
won't start.
You got gasoline in it?
Of course
there's gas in it.
It just won't start.
* always my one
* true friend
* and I'll love you
* till life's end
[engine starts]
* as I love you tonight
well, that'll be $45.
* I know this world
that we live in *
20.
40. 45.
Son of a bitch.
Have a good day.
Slide through, Carol.
* still, love
has kept US together *
would you like to go
for a cocktail?
Oh, well,
if you want one.
[Starts engine]
Would you believe it?
Husbands send in
naked pictures
of their wives
with little comments
for $50.
Who would do
a thing like that? Huh?
[Sneezes]
Why do you sneeze every time
you look at a naked woman?
I got a cold.
A cold, huh?
Are you sure
it's not an allergy?
Listen to this.
"Annie Jo Wheeler.
A social worker.
"Into needlepoint,
stock cars,
charity work
and group sex."
Who the hell
are these people?
[Sneezes]
You know, I think you sneeze
every time you get excited.
Don't be silly.
[Chuckling] Huh?
What are you doin'?
I'm givin'
this kid a ride.
Why?
It's cold, it's wet.
He's a kid.
He could be a cop.
He's gonna have to sit
next to our money.
So, you're a student?
Yeah.
Yeah, I am. Yeah.
What's so funny about that?
I see nothing funny
in that question.
Nothing.
I'm sorry.
Like, I'm wrecked,
you know?
Man, I can't hitch
on these freeways
unless I'm just
completely wrecked.
You know
what I mean, man.
Sure.
A lot of these weirdoes
pick you up.
And vicey-versy.
[Chuckles]
Yeah.
So what do you guys got
in the bag here, huh?
Money?
You're brilliant.
You know that?
Hitchhiker:
Hey, you guys cool?
Relatively.
[Snorting]
* drivin' on cocaine
* it makes the road
go faster *
* it makes everything
* seem very, very clear
hey, you guys
want to pull over
to the side
of the road somewhere
and do a little cocaine?
I don't think so.
Eugene, would you like
to snort some coke
by the side
of the road?
Eugene?
I'm fine for now, thanks.
Yep.
I'm goin' down
to the super bowl.
I'm gonna sell cocaine.
Workin' my way through
college sellin' dope.
That's very
industrious.
Shut up and slow down.
Wow.
Man, I love--
I-I love these
green signs, man.
You can be anyplace.
Oregon, Illinois,
Michigan,
new Mexico, New Jersey,
New York--
yes, yes, yes. We get
the idea. Anywhere.
New Amsterdam, new england,
New Delhi.
New Orleans.
You're certainly
in a nasty humor.
Shut up and slow down.
Woman over P.A.:
Paging Mr. Samuels.
Paging Mr. David Samuels.
Could you please pick up
a purple courtesy phone?
[Singing, indistinct]
Man:
Pretty, huh?
She's gorgeous.
Yeah. I'm her manager.
What kind
of manager?
Personal manager.
Oh, yeah?
You wanna get lucky?
Yeah.
Just wait here.
Woman on P.A.:
Paging Mr. David Samuels.
Could you please pick up
a courtesy phone?
Come on, guys!
We're all goin' up
to Wally s room!
What room's he in?
307!
I have a reservation.
I have a reservation.
Ma'am, our computer
shows no record of that.
And we are booked up,
so we have no room for you.
I am sorry.
You have no room for US?
I cannot believe
this is happening!
I cannot believe
this is happening to US.
Well, it happened
to Joseph and Mary,
and that
turned out ok.
Wait, wait.
What is your last name?
I have no last name.
Just for the computer,
what is your last name?
Christ.
Excuse me?
Well, technically,
since we're all brides
of Christ, our last--
sorry.
Well, I have a Claire,
a Clinton,
a clarise--
oh, that's me.
That's me. Sister clarise.
Well, ma'am, it simply says
"m. Clarise."
It does not say
"sister clarise."
Yes, well, that's me.
[Sighs]
Do you have
a driver's license?
She doesn't drive.
We've had
a lot of people
stealin'
television sets, ladies,
so we're crackin' down
security-wise.
Do you have
a major credit card?
We are nuns!
Look, honey,
I don't care what you are.
I have a corporation
breathing down my back.
We don't have
credit cards.
We'll pay in cash.
[Sighs]
That causes a lot
of problems for me,
but all right.
All right.
You'll be in room 219.
That's in
the purple cluster.
Here's your computer cards.
You'll use these
instead of keys.
Kevin!
Kevin will show you
to the purple cluster.
Have a nice day.
Hi, I'm Kevin.
I'll be showin' you
to your room.
God bless you.
[Disco music playing]
* always losin' my money
* I suppose
you'll think-- *
sister Clarice:
Sister!
Uh, coming, sister.
Are you ready, girls?
Let's run for it.
[Thunder rumbling]
Is this the only way
to get there?
Yes, ma'am.
Kirby: Listen, I'm tellin' ya,
they're gonna come back.
They're gonna get off
down there at the next exit
and they're gonna come
all the way back to here.
Kirby, if these signs
are illegal--
it doesn't matter.
This'll be a beautiful day
for ticlaw.
Oh, look, they're
slowin' down.
Look!
I think the signs
are gonna work.
* ticlaw
* ticlaw
Duane:
Oh, Carmen.
All my life, I've been waiting
for someone like you.
I'm overweight.
Mmm. I don't care.
Did you know
that Jupiter
is the largest planet
in our solar system?
Look.
I always sit
in this booth.
It's the same no matter
what state you're in
or what city.
This booth
remains the same.
The international house
of pancakes
is the one consistent
thing in my life.
Man: Try 2375.
Second man:
Son of a bitch.
Try 9164.
Stupid technology!
I don't believe it!
Here, here,
let me try.
[Lock clicks]
At least we got
the trunk.
Mmm. Yeah.
Let's take the Chevy.
All right.
Carmen,
I'll go with you.
I'll help you spread
your mother
around Miami beach.
How's that?
Oh, I don't know,
Duane.
See, that's what
I mean about my mama.
She just loved messin' up
everybody's life.
Now if I sprinkle her
around down there on that beach,
a big wind'll come up
and blow her
all over those people.
You know they got
suntan oil on them,
and they gotta wash
my mama off of 'em.
Someone they never
even knew. See?
She'll be affecting them,
and they ll never even know.
Waitress: Strawberry--
I love you.
Oh, Duane.
You don't even
know me.
I've slept with
over 300 men.
Everyone has
their faults.
300 men
in paducah, Kentucky?
Duane, it wasn't easy.
It's an accomplishment.
No, Duane.
It's a problem.
It's a real problem.
I'm like Ricky,
the carnivorous pony
in respect to men.
I love you,
I need you, and I want
to make you happy.
That's all.
Oh. I don't know
if that's what
I really want
out of life.
Woman: Oh, boy, Eddie,
you really picked a winner
for me last night.
Man: Why? What?
You really did.
This guy gets me
into his room
and opens up his briefcase
and pulls out a dog collar.
I knew I was in trouble.
I mean, then he has me
sitting in the corner
on a newspaper, barking.
And then he goes
over to the sofa
and he slaps his thigh twice,
and he goes--[Whistles]
I can't believe
you took mastercharge.
I don't know how
I'm gonna collect that.
So then I go over
to the sofa and I sit down,
and he slaps me
across the face,
and he knocks me down
on the floor,
and he goes,
"bad dog.
"You know
you're not supposed
to be up on the sofa,
you bad dog."
It's not funny, Eddie.
Ok.
I was ready to call
the a.S.P.C.A. On the guy.
I'm not doing the doggie bit
ever again.
Now, come on.
It's a lot better than
that-that Nazi bit
you did in Vegas.
So what's
a little barking?
You know, I could've
taken along
any of the other girls.
And they're a lot less
trouble than you.
But who did I take?
I took you, because
I want you with me.
You weren't even in the room
when I got back.
I'm right here.
I'm not doing this
anymore, Eddie.
No, you're gonna do
what I tell you,
or you're gonna end up
back in that supermarket
where I found you.
What's this?
Don't you have
anything smaller?
Hey! Hey! Hey!
[Honking]
* diamond trinkets
that you buy me *
* will not ever
satisfy me *
* long, black limos
* don't impress me at all
* diamond trinkets...
This'll only take a minute.
You got 5 shirts
already.
* crying while
the champagne's flowing *
* seems happiness
is the one thing... *
[women chattering]
* we can afford
they're both very nice,
but I'm not sure.
I'll come back later.
Oh. Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
* dad would have died
if he'd have seen US *
* just one room
* with a creaky
wooden floor *
can I help you?
* I used to save
dimes in a jar *
uh, just looking.
* I used to sing
and play guitar *
honest.
* ...We're leaving
any more *
* diamond trinkets
* are part of growing
* you're crying while
the champagne's flowing *
* seems happiness
is the one thing *
[inhaling deeply]
* we can afford
* when love was all--
how does this look?
Could I help you?
Eugene:
Beautiful.
Does it make
my ass look big?
No, your ass
looks fine.
[Song continues]
* oh, nights like this
a gal sure misses *
* hot dogs and mustard
* flavored kisses
* I'm not sure I need
* a sparkling stone
* cause I'm talkin' about
* diamond trinkets
that you buy me *
* will not ever
satisfy me *
hey, howdy, Kirby.
Nice going.
All right!
Attaboy, Kirby.
Attaboy.
Kirby: What do you say,
benjy, boy?
Hey, Emmett, look!
A pink town!
Keep it movin'.
[Blows whistle]
Free gas
on your left.
Ticlaw inn and safari park
straight ahead.
Now keep it
moving there, lady.
Oh, my god.
[Groans]
Free gas. Plenty of free gas
right here on your left.
Thank you. Keep moving.
Free gas on your left.
[Continues, indistinct]
Free restaurants.
Free parking and gasoline.
Come and get
your free gasoline.
Jesus.
We gotta stop that.
This time
it's gonna work.
I don't think
she likes this.
Don't worry.
Ladies and gentlemen,
you are about
to see a first.
Kirby! Kirby!
Mr. Kirk, you got here
just in time.
You can have a chorus line
of water-skiing elephants,
but you can't take the law
into your own hands.
Now?
In just a sec.
Those billboards
have got to come down.
They're illegal.
The oil companies
won't tolerate you
giving away
free gasoline.
Well, you can stick
the oil companies
where the sun don't shine.
[Cheering]
You'll pay for this.
We already have.
And I think
you can go now.
Go! Now!
[Applause]
[All gasp]
[Trumpeting]
Kirby: Damn!
Damn!
[Car horn honking]
Kirby, you're gonna
be killed!
What's the matter
with you?
This thing!
This thing
is gonna drive US
off the face
of the earth.
Honey,
we'll figure a way.
We always have!
I must be crazy
to have pinned our future
on a pink town,
a half-assed safari park
and a damn bitch elephant
who can't even water ski.
What you are is drunk
and about to be splattered
all over the freeway.
Now, come on.
[Coughing]
If she'd get up
just once, they'd come.
Hell, I would.
I'm dying of curiosity.
Oh, honey.
You'll do it.
You'll do it.
* everybody's going
faster, faster *
* everybody's
going faster-- *
who gets the hamburgers,
who gets the fries?
The lion gets the burgers,
the rhino gets the fries.
This'll only take
a minute.
Hey, I'm in no hurry.
They'll eat this stuff?
They ain't got much
of a choice, do they?
Hey! Whoa!
Wh-whoa!
[Shouting, screaming]
[Animals growling, snarling]
Do I look ok?
You look fine.
Does my ass look big?
Your ass
looks small.
Do I smell good?
You smell fine.
What is it with you?
These are hookers,
not debutantes.
Hey, could I ask
one thing?
Could we both try to
finish our endeavors
at roughly
the same time?
So I don't have
to wait around
like last time, huh?
Absolutely.
I just don't want to be
kept waiting, ok?
[Sneezes]
Woman on TV: While
your pig is marinating,
prepare a glorious stuffing,
using one fresh,
diced pineapple,
one ounce guava paste,
one pound of chopped
macadamia nuts,
3 large onions, chopped,
one pound of diced ham,
3 ounces coconut cream--
[women snickering]
And 20 kumquats.
Mix all of these
ingredients together
in a large mixing bowl,
and reserve.
Hi! I'm sorry
about last night.
It'll never
happen again.
I promise.
Please forgive me.
You kept me waiting
all night long.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Please,
please forgive me.
Pretty please.
All right.
You're forgiven.
Ok.
Just let me tell you
about the last one.
Ohh.
The last one
was the best.
Look, it's not that
I have anything
against hookers.
I just like a nice,
clean virgin,
that's all.
Clarise: Will you hurry?
What are you doing in there?
[Knocking on door]
Coming, sister.
Are you all right?
Yes, sister.
Man on radio:
So don't miss it.
Visit Eli's hardware
this week only.
Super sale of super
power tools at Eli's.
And when you go in,
be sure and tell them
Toby neumeier sent you.
Speaking of bargains,
ferns on the highway,
Carlyle's favorite eatery,
offers egg dishes cooked
the way you like 'em.
[Knocking on door]
Sister, are you
all right in there?
Yes, sister.
Well, hurry up, then.
All ready.
I'm going to have to tell
the new mother superior
about you.
I'm tired
of your nonsense.
Where's the car?
It's right--
well, where?
Shit.
It appears, sister,
that you've lost our car.
I didn't lose the car.
I put it right there.
You put our luggage
right there.
Did you leave
the keys in the car?
Uh, no.
They're here somewhere.
Oh, this damn robe.
What did you say?
Oh, uh, my vestments.
I haven't gotten used
to my vestments yet.
It's habits, habits.
How many times
do I have to tell you?
You really are hopeless.
Will you pick up
your suitcase?
We're going to walk.
Walk?
Yes.
To Miami beach?
Yes.
Maybe we'll get a ride.
Kirby: God said,
"I will provide
for you in abundance."
Well, we need an exit,
and I'm here to tell you
that everything is possible
for the righteous.
Hallelujah.
Hallelujah.
The israelites--
they had their backs up
against the red sea
with the Egyptians coming
directly at 'em.
Did they give up?
No, they had faith in god.
And he parted the red sea,
and the israelites
had their exit.
And we're gonna get ours,
no matter what we have to do.
[Cheering]
And we're gonna have
people here. We will.
When we get 'em here,
what are we gonna show 'em?
We're gonna show 'em
a real good time.
Now, let me hear you say it.
We're gonna show 'em
a real good time.
A real good time!
A real good time!
A real good time!
* the highway
stretches out *
* just like a snake
across the land *
* it tells a simple story
everyone can understand *
look at the water!
It's so blue!
Oh, this is it!
Mama, mama!
We made it, mama!
* there's a better
life ahead *
* and the highway
gypsies follow *
* every word
the highway says *
[Carol laughing]
* the road is like
a river *
* and it keeps me
movin' on *
Carol, fasten
your seat belt.
* just another
nameless driver *
* in a world
we never thought *
* drinkin' hot,
black coffee *
* as my car
drinks gasoline *
* and headed for tomorrow
* and somewhere
I've never seen *
* it's a honky tonk freeway
* it's paradise on wheels
* motel rooms,
neon lights *
* drive-in,
drive-out meals *
* and it's windin'
cross the country *
* just as far
as you can see *
* on the honky tonk
freeway *
* that's where I wanna be
[sighs]
Come on.
[Shouting]
Hey, sister!
* it's a honky tonk freeway
* it's paradise on wheels
* motel rooms,
neon lights *
* drive-in,
drive-out meals *
* and it's windin'
cross the country *
* just as far
as you can see *
* on the honky tonk freeway
* that's where I wanna be
[People chattering,
music playing]
"And little Mary
reached out her hand,
"and Ricky went
whee, whee!
And kissed--"
we're building a new
dispensary for our children,
and what we're asking
everybody to donate is $10.
Sounds like a good idea.
I could write you a check.
Oh, that's very
kind of you.
[Indistinct chattering]
Hey, you got something
on your nose.
How much is this?
Miss?
That ain't my station.
Will-will you try
to find some--
madam. Madam, could--
It's well done.
Grace, would you go
back to your station?
I'm comin'.
I'm comin'.
What for you?
I know what I want.
What?
Uh, clams casino
and you, baby.
Can I take your order?
Yeah. You can take
my order.
I'd like to start
with the lobster bisque.
Eddie: Grace.
You're kind of lonely,
aren't you?
Eddie, please.
Kinda.
I can cure that.
Hey, I'm in love
with a guy.
Oh, well,
of course you are.
But does he
make you happy?
Here's my question--
are you unhappy
in your present job?
You sound like
a commercial
on television
at 2:00 A.M.
You know, she's right,
Eddie. You do, sort of.
Yes, of course she's right.
But you see, what I'm selling
they don't offer on TV.
I'm not talking about
a truck driver's course
or some sort of slicer-dicer
in the kitchen, grace.
Oh, yeah? Well, what
are you talking about?
Grace, what I'm selling--
and this is
a one-time offer--
is the opportunity for you
to get out of here
and make
some real money.
You ever been
to New York?
No.
Think about it, grace.
When you deliver
that next fishburger,
ask yourself,
"is this what I want
out of life?"
And then consider my offer,
because this offer
expires with dessert.
Well, I think I better
get back to my station.
I'm sitting
up front, Eddie.
I'm sitting
up front.
Ok, then.
Who gets the crabs?
Honey, we all do
sooner or later.
[Laughter]
Cheeseburgers.
All right, we got
a filet of sole here.
Man: Filet of sole's
across there.
Hi.
Well, hi.
Greetings
and salutations.
Couldn't help but notice
you looking at me
from across the room
over there.
What sign are you?
Libra.
I was wondering if maybe
you could possibly
help me out
with a ride,
perchance.
Hi.
Hi.
Duane: Am I
interrupting something?
No, no.
Yeah, I'm spanky.
Spanky is the name,
and cocaine is the game.
Have a seat.
Thank you.
I was, um,
just talking
to your pretty
little wife here.
Who is this guy?
He's a libra.
He says he needs
a ride, Duane.
You didn't offer him one?
No.
Is he bothering you?
No, he's ok.
He doesn't look
ok to me.
Hey, what is this?
Hey, something new?
[Sniffing]
That's my mother!
[Coughing]
You're shitting me.
I'm sorry.
Miss!
You are not the only person
in the world, you know.
Hey, look
who's here, Eugene.
Thanks, gene.
Eugene.
[Speaking Vietnamese]
I don't know what
this country's coming to
when they'll steal
a nun's car.
Well, it's been a very
nerve-racking experience.
I'm afraid
sister Mary Magdalen
doesn't drive well.
I drive fine.
You look like a penguin.
I don't look
like a penguin.
You look like a crow.
Delia.
You'll have to forgive
little Delia.
Well, I don't look
like a penguin
and I don't
look like a crow.
You look like
Dracula s sister.
Delia.
And you do not
know how to drive a car
but I don't look like
a penguin or a crow.
I don't know if I like
being a nun.
I need to talk to you,
sister.
I can't.
Where's the food?
I don't know what to do.
I really don't know
what to do.
I do, baby.
I do, I do.
Here.
Now, grace, grace.
You want to come
with US?
I'm so upset.
We're going to
Miami beach.
* I'm sittin'
up front *
* na na na na na
* I'm sittin' up front
I'm sittin' up front *
"once upon a time
in a faraway land,
"there was this pony,
and his name was Ricky.
All: "Licky!"
Mm-hmm.
[Translating]
"He was the most
beautiful pony,
"but none of the children
could ride him
"no matter how hard
they tried.
"Because when a child
"reached his hand
up to Ricky--
[whinnies, snarls]
"Munch, munch,
went Ricky s powerful,
"flat, yellow teeth.
"And crunch! And off came
the little boy's fingers.
"And whee!
The blood ran across
his blue lips."
Whee!
What do you say, Earl?
All clear now!
Nice night for it,
Kirby.
Kirby: It's a sign, boy.
[Disco music playing]
Well, this has
got to go.
[Chuckles]
All right.
[Country music playing]
* tomorrow night
[snoring]
* you'll have
another sweetheart *
* tomorrow night
[up-tempo country
music playing]
* you just don't know
* how to treat me right
* oh, I can't go through
* another lonely night
hold it.
Truck coming.
Hit the lights.
Hit the lights!
Lights on. Come on.
Ok, but work quietly.
* and called it macaroni
yankee doodle, keep it up *
* yankee doodle dandy
[speaking Vietnamese]
[Car horn honking]
Ok, that's good.
All right.
Check the road.
It's a beauty.
It's a beauty.
[Dominique playing]
[Continues in French]
[Whistles]
Tell 'em it's all clear!
[Speaking Vietnamese]
[Speaking Vietnamese]
All clear!
Kirby, I don't think
we should do this.
We could all be killed.
It's just a little bit
of dynamite, honey.
We're just gonna
make a little bitty hole.
Now, don't you worry.
Fifteen, fourteen,
thirteen, twelve, eleven,
ten, nine, eight--
[siren wailing]
Ten, nine, eight--
please,
we've never done--
could you show
a little confidence
in my ability
to handle this situation!
Ten, nine,
eight, seven, six,
five, four,
three, two,
one.
Oh, thank god.
What happened?
Nothing happened,
obviously.
Aah! Oh, my god!
Holy shit!
[People cheering]
* ticlaw, ticlaw
* wonderful, beautiful
part of heaven *
* ticlaw, ticlaw
* wonderful,
beautiful town *
[indistinct
chatter, yelling]
Ok, folks,
just slow it down.
We had a little
accident here.
Just follow
the smiling faces
right down to ticlaw.
What's the problem, pal?
We got to get to Miami.
You'll be in Miami
first thing
in the morning.
Just keep
right on going.
Welcome to ticlaw.
Welcome to ticlaw.
[Rock music playing]
Welcome to the ticlaw inn,
everybody.
Come on, James.
Bring 'em in here.
You're doing a fine job.
Welcome.
It's very good
to see you.
Nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
Welcome, welcome.
All right.
An hour ago, I was
on my way to Miami,
and then this happened.
I don't want to
stay here.
Oh, come on.
This place
is great.
Eddie: She finds you
very attractive.
Brandon:
Do you know her?
Oh, yeah.
She's my sister.
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.
She's my stepsister.
Oh!
Hello. My name's casual.
It's awfully
noisy in here.
Why don't you go
up to your room?
Just take him upstairs.
You don't like dogs,
do you?
No, actually,
I'm a cat man, myself.
Whoo! Watch it, baby!
* always drinking
my Brandy *
* everything is dandy
* cause i'm
* about as crazy as you
see that girl over
there? The one in white?
Osvaldo: Oh, yeah.
She's very pretty.
Oh, she likes you.
She likes me?
You see, I'm her doctor.
Psychiatrist.
She's crazy?
You'd be helping her.
In 5 minutes,
go over and talk to her.
[Mouths words]
Sherman: You've gotta have
a phrase--"ticlaw ticks."
Kirby: "Ticlaw ticks."
Sherm: Or, uh, "time
in ticlaw tantalizes."
And show a picture
of a pretty girl.
See, it's
the association
of ideas
that counts.
Sell ticlaw
as a sort
of sexual oasis.
"Our time in ticlaw
was torrid."
Your husband certainly
knows his advertising.
Does he ever.
My sherm invented
bad breath.
Your husband
invented bad breath?
He fought for bad breath
for years and years,
and finally he got it.
Carol. You did one
brilliant thing, though,
and that was
to give everything
away for free.
You see,
he invented this test
where you put your hand
in front of your mouth
and you blow.
Now, what you're smelling
is not your breath.
What you're smelling
is your fingers.
Shut up, Carol.
[Disco music playing]
Thank you very much.
Good--good evening.
[Sneezes]
Is your room
upstairs?
But of course.
Whoo-hoo!
All right!
All right!
We ain't seen nothin'
like this in years.
You gonna love it here.
Well, wasn't part
of the plan,
but it's a nice
little place, huh?
Hotels like this are
part of our heritage.
Yeah.
Honey--
look, uh,
how about tonight?
Tonight?
What about last night?
Tonight, too.
Look, I am on
vacation.
Hey, Carmen, what's
your favorite color?
I think the living room
should be done in beige.
I kind of like red.
Well, then,
reddish beige.
How about the bedroom?
What do you say?
Whoa, Duane.
I think we ought
to get to know
each other
a little better
before we start looking
at paint chips.
I mean, did it
ever occur to you
that this relationship
might not work out?
No.
Well, my heart
starts to pound
if I get within 50 miles
of an army base.
Trouble with you is
you don't know a sure thing
when you see one.
Oh, mama!
[Duane singing]
* oh, Carmen
* I love you so
* Carmen, Carmen, Carmen
I love you, love you *
[continues, indistinct]
Carmen?
Hmm.
Carmen: Ooh!
Carmen?
Huh.
[Elephant trumpets]
Come along. Come along.
Zoo.
Zoo.
Right over here,
we have our lion.
Oh! Oh!
Can you say "lion"?
Children: Lion.
[Speaking Vietnamese]
And next, over here,
we have our elephant.
All: Elephant.
Bubbles.
Did you know that bubbles
can water ski?
[Vietnamese continues]
Here we have
our pony.
If you like, you can
reach up and pet her.
[Whinnies]
No licky!
No licky!
No! No licky!
No licky!
[All screaming]
[Speaking Vietnamese]
Come back!
[Telephone rings]
How do. Ticlaw inn.
I'm sorry,
we're all booked up.
Oh, yes.
One moment.
Kirby!
It's the governor.
Tell him I'll take it
in the office.
Uh, Mr. Calo
will be right with you.
Hello, your honor.
Is this Kirby calo?
Yes, sir.
Mr. Calo,
what do you intend
doing with your hostages?
Hostages?
We don't intend doing
anything with them.
We got no real use
for 'em.
[Speaking Vietnamese]
What was that?
What was that noise?
Well, that's just
the game room, sir.
Game room? He's got 'em
locked up in a game room.
Well, we would like
to talk to you.
Sure. We'd love
to meet.
Remember attica?
Never give in to demands.
Don't meet with them.
Shut the fuck up.
Uh, where did you
want to meet?
How about right down
the center of ticlaw?
You'll find it.
It's the town
with no exit.
We'll do just that.
[Sighs] If we ever
get this thing
worked out properly,
I will see to it that
you work in the post office
for the rest
of your natural life!
Hi, little Billy. Have
you seen your daddy?
No.
You haven't?
No.
I'll kill ya!
I'll kill ya!
Boy, was that ever
worth it. Thank you.
Good. Come again.
I gotta go
change my shirt.
Ok? Ok.
Hi.
Hi. Haven't we met
somewhere before?
I don't think
it was my station.
'Cause I'm your mother.
You do what I tell you.
No, you're not gonna
play anymore. No.
Billy: I'm gonna go
and play with the gun.
Bye.
Bye.
So, uh, how would
you like
to go up to the room
and, uh, just
be alone together?
You and I?
Well, I'm a little tired
right now, honey.
Hungry, too. Hungry.
Hungry?
* you dance so good
* so maybe we should
* do it again
* do it again,
again *
* you do the things
that you do *
[song continues]
* come on
* come on
Whoa!
Get down, sister!
You must come with me
immediately.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy, oh, boy.
Absolute disgrace!
I was only dancing.
When are you
going to learn
that you are
a bride of Christ?
If Jesus is such
a good husband,
why won't he let me
dance a little?
Carmen!
Come with me.
Kneel.
Ow!
Up. Down.
Carmen?
Carmen?
Up. Down.
Up. Down. Up.
Pardon me.
Governor: Where is he?
I don't see anybody.
Or anything.
It's eerie.
It's a trap.
[Telephone rings]
Whoa. Whoa, whoa.
Stop the car.
[Ring]
Answer it.
It's not for me.
No one knows I'm here.
Answer the phone!
Hello? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
They said, get out
of the cars
and meet them
in the middle
of the street.
It's a pleasure
to meet you, your honor.
What do you want?
Well, we want what we always
wanted from the beginning--
an exit for ticlaw.
Well, taking hostages
is not the way
to go about it.
Well, we tried bribery,
but that didn't work.
Right, Mr. Kirk?
You still got
the ten thou?
It's around somewhere.
This is worse
than Watergate.
Shut up.
We will never give in
to your demands, ever.
You cannot force US--
[explosion]
What in the world
are you doing
to those poor tourists?
Oh, we're just showing them
a real good time.
Oh. And if
I don't give in?
I understand you're running
for reelection, governor.
Sir, I cannot
participate
in a cover-up.
I point to
Watergate--
shut up.
Shut...Up.
Ok. Have you got it,
Mr. Kirk?
Yeah.
You know,
it's a terrible thing
when you pay for something
and you don't get it.
Makes you wonder
who you can trust.
Me. You can trust me.
I deliver.
That was my campaign
slogan-- "I deliver."
Gentlemen,
I think Mr. Calo
deserves an exit.
[Cheering]
[Speaking Vietnamese]
Ohh!
Oh-ho!
Go on, take it.
* everybody's going
faster, faster *
* everybody's going
faster, faster *
* they don't give a damn
they don't understand *
* going faster, faster
* everybody's going
faster, faster *
* everybody's going
faster, faster *
* they don't give a damn
slam, bam *
* thank you, ma'am
hey, isn't that
sister Mary Magdalen?
Yes.
Where's she going?
To hell, I'm afraid.
* thank you, ma'am
* when you're out there
on the road *
* and you're feeling
good and slow *
* 'cause you're holding back
your feelings every mile *
* and the world
you're living in *
* don't make no sense
don't make you grin *
* it's even hard
to try to smile *
* and the faces
that you see *
* they don't relate
to you or me *
* I swear,
I really disagree *
* what nature meant
for me to be *
* I find it much too tough
* this road is getting
much too rough *
* I say enough is enough
is enough *
* everybody's going
faster, faster *
* everybody's going
faster, faster *
* they don't give a damn
or understand *
* going faster, faster
* everybody's going
faster, faster *
* everybody's going
faster, faster *
* ooh, they don't give
a damn slam, bam *
* thank you, ma'am
* oh, thank you, ma'am
* oh, no, no, no
* no
* slam, bam
no!
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
Man: Wow! How did this
happen, anyway?
Second man: Did anybody
see this?
I saw the whole thing
through my rearview mirror.
Whoa!
A lion!
[Excited chattering]
Aah! Ow! Aah!
Hey, want to go to Miami?
* the highway
stretches out-- *
oh, no!
* it tells a simple story
everyone can understand *
* it's just
a concrete river *
* reaching toward the sea
Billy, please,
it's not funny!
Come on, mom, please.
Help me.
Somebody, please!
* it's like
home sweet home to me *
* it's a honky tonk freeway
* it's america on wheels
* motel rooms,
neon lights *
* drive-in,
drive-out meals *
* and it's windin'
cross the country *
* just as far
as you can see *
* on the honky tonk
freeway *
I'm sittin up front!
* that's where
I wanna be *
* that's where
I wanna be *
* well, it's
a honky tonk freeway *
* it's paradise on wheels
it's a miracle!
* hotel rooms,
neon lights *
my money, my money!
* drive-in,
drive-out meals *
* well, it's windin
cross the country *
* just as far
as you can see *
[growling]
* on the honky tonk
freeway *
* that's where I wanna be
[shouting, cheering]
All right!
All right! Whoo!
* wonderful, beautiful
part of heaven *
* ticlaw
* ticlaw, ticlaw
* wonderful, beautiful
part of heaven *
* ticlaw, ticlaw
* wonderful,
beautiful town *
captioning made possible by
lions gate entertainment
[Birds chirping]
Captioning made possible by
lions gate entertainment
[explosion]
[Indistinct shouting]
[Gavel pounding]
Man: We have no exit from
this freeway, Mr. Kirk!
How am I gonna
sell my gasoline?
Woman: We can't live
without tourists.
We'll just die,
that's all.
Man: Without an exit, we won't
have any business here.
A whole lot of stores
are gonna have to close!
Quiet! Shh!
I understand
your irritation.
But our studies indicate
that the town of ticlaw
does not qualify
for an exit
based on our
demographic analyzation.
[Shouting]
No! No.
You're just
too small!
All: Too small?
Please, now,
come on.
There--there's an--
there is an exit...
35 miles south,
the town of Marshall.
But they'll get
all our tourists!
[Shouting]
Now, now, now, now--
hey, hey, hey! Look!
We can't give every little
piddly-assed town an exit!
[Shouting]
Piddly-assed town?
Kirby, talk
to that man!
Man: Kirby, talk to him!
Now, Mr. Kirk has come
all the way down here
from Tallahassee,
and I don't think we all
should be rude to the man.
However, I do
think it's time
that, uh, Mr. Kirk and I
had a little chat.
How about some lunch?
[Kirby narrating]
I have never liked
dealing with the government.
The only time
you hear from them
is when they want to take
something from you
or do something to you.
But this here hotel of mine
has been the focal point
of this town
since the Indians.
Of course,
some of the guests
seem to have been here
since the Indians, too.
But we've been makin'
all kinds of improvements
to attract
some new tourists--
a younger crowd.
And this man here is tryin'
to keep them tourists
from gettin' here.
Mornin', James.
Kirk: Great lion. Hmm!
Kirby: He's got
the runs right now,
but by the time
we get our exit,
we expect him to be
stable and healthy.
Mm-hmm.
Anyway, we got 2 more
comin', plus a rhino.
[Elephant trumpeting]
Kirk: Oh, my.
Now, there s an elephant.
Kirby: That's bubbles.
She's a genius.
Won't make a whole
lot of difference
if no one
comes to see her.
Well, it won't
take a genius
to get people here,
I don't think.
That's right.
What it'll take
is an exit
from your freeway.
How do we get it?
You take 10,000 trips
under the table.
That's how you do it.
10,000--
10,000 trips
under the table.
Payable in cold, hard, green,
laundered you-know-what.
You want it?
We want it.
[Marching band playing]
[Indistinct chatter]
73, 74, 75, $76.
Come and get your balloons!
Ok, let me take your money.
Throw a pie and save ticlaw.
Throw a pie and save tic--.
[Woman laughing]
Kirby: We have
a great turnout, honey.
I think we're gonna make it.
Woman: Oh, yes!
All right!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Woman: Oh, it's wonderful!
[Laughs]
Pancakes! Pancakes!
Get your pancakes!
How much is that?
$170!
That makes it over--
that's 170.
That's over
$10,000!
[Cheering]
That one there
is yours.
Looks like you got
your exit, Mr. Calo.
Yes, sir. We all
got what we wanted.
God bless you, boy.
Bye-bye.
Bye, now.
Now, forget
you saw any of this.
Man: Saw what, Mr. Kirk?
[Kirby narrating]
Well, we all thought
that was that.
We had ourselves
a real victory
for our piddly-assed town.
[Applause]
Man over P.A.:
Andrew Jackson freeway!
Kirk, what the hell
is this?
You promised US
an exit,
and now this damn
freeway's open.
The other 3 commissioners
voted no on ticlaw.
Now, I mean, who--
who would've guessed?
I don't give
a fuck about
the other
3 commissioners.
I gave you $10,000,
not the other
3 commissioners.
Now, you see
my people over there?
Kirby, that thing's
gotta come down.
We got
plenty more signs
where that one
come from.
Now, we're gonna make
a big stink right here!
Oh, no, you're not!
I'm talkin'
to the governor.
Governor! Governor!
[Kirby narrating]
Well, what do you expect?
You lie down with dogs,
you get up with fleas.
But the point is,
you get up
and you do something.
Now, I knew
at that very moment
tourists from
all over america
were headed toward Florida.
And what we had to do
was to figure out
how to get 'em into ticlaw.
* the highway
stretches out *
* just like a snake
across the land *
* it tells a simple story
* that everyone
can understand *
* leave your worries
all behind you *
* there's a better
life ahead *
* and the highway
gypsies follow *
* every word
the highway says *
* it's a honky tonk freeway
* it's america on wheels
* motel rooms, neon lights
* drive-in, drive-out meals
* well, it's winding
cross the country *
* just as far
as you can see *
* on the honky tonk freeway
[bus horn honking]
* it's where I wanna be
come on, come on.
Move it,
move it, move it!
[Bus horn honking]
Do we have to go
so fast, sister?
[Bus horn honking]
[Bus horn honking]
Oh, sister,
we're going much too fast.
Uh, we're only going
45 miles an hour.
Yes, but that's
much too fast.
Put on your brakes.
Oh, sister,
if I put on my brakes--
I am your superior.
Put on your brakes.
[Brakes squealing]
Oh, shit!
[Brakes squealing]
Oh.
That's better.
* it's a honky tonk freeway
* it's a paradise on wheels
* motel rooms, neon lights
* drive-in, drive-out meals
* well, it's winding
cross the country *
* just as far
as you can see *
* on the honky tonk freeway
* that's where I wanna be
[dog barking]
I'm o.J.--
O.J. Simpson.
Number 32
comin' through.
[Laughs]
I'm o.J. Simpson.
I gotta
get me a commercial
and run
through airports.
[Laughing]
I'm o.J. Simpson.
Greatest
football player
that ever lived.
Look at that.
Straight arm.
I'm o.J. Simpson.
Why did we
wear our uniforms?
They'll know
it was US.
They'll never suspect
it was real sanitation men.
They'll think
we stole the uniforms.
Who would
steal the uniform
of a sanitation man?
Woman: Next!
People.
Crazy people.
Look around you.
You know,
they cut off
my welfare checks,
and I was going
to Israel
with that money.
Here, boy.
[Laughing]
Man: I'm sorry.
I can't cash it for you.
Woman:
It's a government check.
It's a state check,
and you only have $8
in your checking account.
It's bank policy.
Bank policy.
Bank policy.
[Muttering]
Ooh, I didn't know that
cantaloupes was in season.
Please, I don't
wanna get caught.
Who's gonna catch US?
Bum: Ok!
[Laughing]
I hear that prison
is unpleasant.
It's crowded.
The food is no good.
Nobody cares!
Woman: Next!
I need this check cashed.
Please!
Next!
She scares me.
I'll handle her.
Woman 1: Talk to an officer.
Woman 2: I already
talked to an officer.
He said
he couldn't help me!
Then I can't
help you either.
[Crying]
Excuse US.
Checking or savings?
Neither.
Well, then
I can't help you.
Go to the end
of the line.
It's a robbery.
Oh, shit.
I need this today.
Shit this.
And if you try
anything funny,
I'll blow
your ugly head right off.
Man: Eugene!
Would you shut up?
I never seen you
become so abusive.
I'm robbin' a bank.
I don't have to be nice.
Mary, what do I do
when I'm being robbed?
You give US the money.
That's what you do,
beard-face.
Eugene!
Would you shut up
with that Eugene bit?
You give 'em
the money. Next!
You would give them
all your money,
and you won't cash
a government check?
Dear, they have a gun.
[Grunts]
Please! I talked
to an officer twice!
What's the problem, miss?
I don't know.
Maybe you
can help me.
I'm an actress,
I'm on unemployment,
and they won't cash
my unemployment check.
You have
any identification?
W-Well, sure.
Here's
my driver s license.
All right.
I'll initial it.
But just this once.
That doesn't
mean anything.
Eugene.
Cash the check,
Turkey tits.
How would you
like that, ma'am?
In cash.
[Mumbling]
Come on. Load it up,
miss piggy.
[Bum shouting]
Thank you so much.
I find you
enormously attractive.
How would you like
to accompany US
to the sunny
state of Florida?
Oh, gee,
I'd really love to,
but I have
an audition.
Then sit
on my face, bitch.
Greatest football player
that ever lived!
[Horns honking]
[Tires screeching]
[Tires screeching]
[Horns honking]
[Dogs barking]
[Siren wailing]
Act like you're
a garbage man.
You better become
a garbage man.
I'm o.J. Simpson!
There he is!
I'm o.J.!
Ok, grab him.
[All shouting]
Hey! Hey!
No! There was 2 of them!
They went out the door!
That is not
the right guy!
That's not him!
This is a lousy
neighborhood.
I look
like shit.
It don't
feel good.
I look
like shit.
Of course
you look like shit.
You're dressed
in a dirty sheet.
Ever see yourself,
you son of a bitch?
You ugly bastard!
Look in the mirror!
I got an idea.
Get some bags.
Get on the truck.
[Both laughing]
We made it!
We did it!
All right!
All right!
We did it!
All right!
All right!
[Both laughing]
Oh, baby!
What a job!
[Laughing]
Oh! Oh!
Is that
the right bag?
Of course
it's the right bag.
Are you sure
that's the right bag?
I'm positive!
[Shouting in
foreign language]
Eugene!
You son
of a bitch!
It's all right!
What's gonna
be all right?
An empty fuckin'
can of garbage!
Yes! The money!
[Both laughing
and shouting]
We're rich!
We're rich!
* my mommy's
pouring cheerios
* hurrah
* hurrah
* she's pouring on
the oats for US *
* hurrah, hurrah
[blender whirring]
[Kids shouting]
Ok. Whee!
"Ricky,
the carnivorous pony,
by Duane Hansen."
Duane Hansen.
"Once upon a time
in a faraway land,
"there was
this pony,
and his name
was Ricky."
Get to
the "munch, munch" part!
Oh, it's coming.
It's coming.
"None of the children
could ride him
no matter how hard
they tried."
Come on,
boys, eat.
Yeah, why not?
"Because when
a child
reached his hand
up to Ricky,"
aah!
"Munch, munch.
"Went Ricky's powerful,
flat, yellow teeth.
"And crunch, crunch,
"crunch. Mmm...
"That little boy
was entirely devoid
"of fingers.
[Horn honking]
Whee!"
The bus is here.
"Whee! Whee!
And the blood ran
across his blue lips."
Duane,
the bus is here.
Come on, guys.
The bus is here.
Let's go.
Whee!
Whee!
Whee! Whee! Whee!
Woman on TV:
It's a great pleasure now
to introduce my next guest,
Barbara Reese,
formerly Bob Reese.
A woman who underwent
a sex change--
a sex operation.
Um, mittens, boys.
Welcome, Barbara.
Barbara, man's voice:
Thank you, Kelly.
How did your wife
first react to the news
when you went to her
and you said to her,
"I want to be a woman"?
Well, she was
not at all pleased.
[Shouting]
Daddy!
Denny!
Munch, munch!
[Growling]
Be good while I'm away.
Kelly on TV: When did you
first decide, Barbara,
that you wanted to be
a woman, not a man?
Barbara: Well, actually,
I first decided
when I was a soldier
during the Vietnam war.
Jimmy dropped his cap.
Barbara: I believe it was
during the tet offensive.
Oh, they left
their mittens.
Yes, Duane.
Kelly: Well, did you
manage to keep your same job?
[TV making
whirring noises]
Barbara: I did get
my old job back, yes.
I do the same work
that I always did,
the only
difference being
that I get paid
less for it now.
Is something
burning?
Kelly: You have 2 children.
It's your book.
Duane: My book?
By your longtime marriage.
How do they react
to the fact that you're--
Mrs. Hansen: No parent
in their right mind
would buy a book
for their child
called Ricky,
the carnivorous pony.
Your stories
are sick, Duane.
My stories
are funny, char.
I don't find them funny.
And I don't
find you funny.
Barbara: See, they think
that their father
is away on a job, and--
Kelly: But what
do they call you?
Auntie.
[Horn honking]
* well, my man
* he ain't
man enough for me *
[inaudible shouting]
* no, my man
* ain't enough
for a girl like me *
* well, he just don't know
* how to treat me right
* oh, I can't go through
another lonely night *
* he comes home
from work each evening *
* grabs a beer
* and watches TV
* I sweat and slave
to make his frozen dinners *
[horns honking]
* but he just sits
and lets his supper be *
* oh, my man
* he ain't
man enough for me *
* no, my man
* ain't enough
for a girl like me *
* he just don't know
* how to treat me right
[music fades]
[Elephant bellows]
Ok, I'm ready down here.
Let's go!
All right,
let 'er rip!
Go ahead, bubbles.
[Trumpeting]
Are you sure
about this?
Let her go!
I'm telling you,
people will drive 35 miles
just to see
a water-skiing elephant.
All right, hang on!
Come on!
No, stop!
[Motor revving]
[Both yelling]
Oh, lord!
Woman: Oh, my stars,
you're all wet!
I know that, honey.
Well, did bubbles get up?
Bubbles is not
applying herself today.
Did you get
them in Utah?
It's ringing.
It's ringing.
Oh, let's get
you dried off.
Woman: Morning, Mr. Calo.
Having a nice vacation,
are you, miss barbutti?
It goes by too quickly.
Yes, it d--
hello!
Yes, I'd like to speak
to Mr. Damon Clark,
right now if--
woman: Mr. Calo?
Yes, Mrs. Lewenowski?
There aren't any more
reservations today.
Should I let
some of the girls go?
No, no. Uh--
stand by your stations.
Someone'll show up.
Hello, this is
safari parks, Utah?
Listen, son,
are the lions
and the rhino
on their way?
They're on the truck?
You sure now?
Good.
Say, tell me
something, son.
We're gonna have
to keep that rhino
in the garage
for a couple of weeks.
Will that be ok?
Aw, shit.
[All shouting]
[Rhino bellowing]
Get him up the other way!
Get him up the other--
get him--get him up
to the other end!
Now don't be afraid of him!
* when you're out
there on the road *
* and you feel
you could explode *
* and you
[scatting]
[Tempo increases
on drum machine]
* when you're out
there on the road *
[rhino bellowing]
* and your truck's
become your home *
you're holding back,
you're feeling--dreams.
Dreams.
We're almost ready.
Mm-hmm.
Just a few more seconds,
I think.
Mm-hmm.
He's very close
to the ramp.
[Yelling]
[Cheering]
[Yelling]
It's the damnedest thing.
He likes the snow.
[Dog barking]
Hey, tell me
if you like this, ok?
[Drum machine playing]
* when you're out
there on your own *
* doo, doo, doo,
doo, doo, doo, doo *
* and you're
holding back your-- *
* doo, doo,
doo, doo, doo *
you like
that one?
Yeah, it's ok.
Uh, the words
aren't too good.
Oh, these ain't
the words.
I put the words
in later.
Oh. Then it's very good.
I mean, for a song
without words
written by
a truck driver,
it's excellent.
Hey, I'm not
a truck driver.
I'm a songwriter.
[Man yelling]
Uh, it's ok.
[Men shouting]
[Grunting]
Man: Yee-hoo! Whoo!
Rhino's loaded!
The rhino's loaded?
* da, da, da
* the rhino's loaded
* the rhino's loaded
* and he's holdin'
* back his feelings
[indistinct singing]
Keep on singin'!
[Scatting]
* everybody's goin'
faster, faster *
* everybody's goin'
faster, faster *
* doo, doo, doo
Man on speaker:
Oh, hey, Carmen!
Hey.
Man: Are you, uh, gonna
be at Oliver's tap
again tonight?
Oh, I don't know.
I'm on vacation.
Oh! Good for you!
Shoot, I wanted
to take you out.
I got a new car.
This sure
is a lot of money
you're pullin' out,
Carmen.
300, 400, 500.
Hey, you ought to see
the inside of my car.
It's all tufted
in velour, you know.
Thousand,
thousand five hundred,
two thousand five,
three thousand
five hundred.
Well, that just about
closes you out, Carmen.
You better be careful
with all that.
Oh, I will.
Have a good vacation.
Man over speaker:
Yes, may we help you?
Lolita Shelby, please.
The final remains
of lolita Shelby
may be viewed in
pass-through number three.
Hey, is that you,
Danny Corbin?
Yes. Yes, it is.
Who is this?
It's Carmen Odessa Shelby.
Remember me?
Carmen Shelby? Sure.
I remember
you and me
in the back seat
of my car. We--
oh, I-I m sorry about
your mama. Real sorry.
Um, where did you say
she was again?
Pass-through
number three.
Would you like to take
your mama with you
or have her sent?
I'll take her.
[Starts engine]
[Organ playing]
[Organ continues]
[Chorus vocalizing]
[Rock music playing]
* the road
is like a river *
* and it keeps me
movin' on *
* just another
nameless driver *
* in a rollin marathon
* leave your worries
all behind you *
* there's
a better life ahead *
* and the highway
gypsies follow *
* every word
the highway says *
* it's a honky tonk
freeway *
* it's america on wheels
* motel rooms,
neon lights *
* drive in,
drive-out meals *
[horn honking]
* and it's winding
cross the country *
[honking continues]
* just as far
as you can see *
hey, what time is it?
3:30.
You know,
you're very cute.
Oh.
You're both
very cute. Bye.
* it's a honky tonk
freeway *
* it's paradise on wheels
* motel rooms,
neon lights *
* drive in,
drive-out meals *
* and it's winding
cross the country *
* just as far
as you can see *
* on the honky tonk
freeway *
* that's where
I wanna be *
Woody.
Sherm, wait for me.
Carol.
Your nose is powdered,
your lipstick's on,
your hair is combed.
You look fine.
Come on.
Let's have lunch.
Sherm, I'm not drunk.
Oh, god!
It's just
a little accident.
It's just
a little accident.
Do you have to
booze it up, Carol?
A mixed drink
is not booze, sherman.
It's a cocktail.
A before-dinner drink.
But dinner isn't
for 5 hours yet.
Ah, yes. But what
you're forgetting, sherm,
is that time
is relative.
To what, Carol? Life?
No, sherm. Need.
Time is relative to need.
Einstein was wrong.
Terrific car.
Look at that.
Hey, uh,
and terrific stuff, too.
Let's take the car
and the stuff.
Nope, that's wrong.
We're not gonna take
their stuff.
What, are you crazy?
Nope.
Come on.
Nope.
You've gotta
be nuts.
Will you try it
for a few weeks?
Sherm,
I'm not an alcoholic.
Your mother
was an alcoholic.
Where did she
do her drinking?
Alone.
You see?
Now, am I alone?
And did she hide her bottle
in the rice krispies
and the laundry hamper
and shoe box?
Yep. Yep, yep, yep.
Now, these are symptoms
of the alcoholic.
Classic symptoms.
Do I have
any of these symptoms?
No, you don't.
Thank you.
Can I get you
anything to drink?
I'll have
5 old-fashioneds.
Coke for me.
Do you realize, sherman,
I have never purchased
a bottle of liquor
in my life?
Oh, I know that.
So how could I be
an alcoholic
if I've never purchased
a bottle of liquor?
Carol, you're having
5 old-fashioneds
for lunch.
That is an alcoholic.
I'm hungry. Besides,
these are mixed drinks.
Do you know
an alcoholic anywhere
who only drinks
mixed drinks?
The other four
will be here right away.
No hurry.
This place
is so cute.
Cheers.
[Sighs] Cheers.
Didn't your ad agency
name the swizzle stick, sherm?
No.
Weaver, O'Leary
and mudge
named the swizzle stick
in 1924.
You notice how I never
suck my orange slice?
That's the sure sign
of an alcoholic.
Just go to one meeting,
Carol. Try it. Please.
No.
Someone is stealing
our car, sherm.
What? You're already
mumbling, Carol.
It's only 1:30,
and you're mumbling.
Why would they steal the car
and leave the luggage?
Just try it
for a few weeks.
Well, it looks
like our car.
Carol, if you pass out
with your head
against the window
while I'm driving,
I'm just gonna pull over
onto the shoulder.
I swear it.
It's too lonely
driving like that.
Sherm, will you
please look--
oh, look it here.
Honey, could you pour me
another cup of coffee?
Caffeine.
Caffeine.
[TV playing
indistinctly]
[Sighs]
Isn't this beautiful?
Mm-hmm.
This is
monument valley, kids.
Delia, little Billy,
look at monument valley.
TV: I'm a doctor,
I know that--
kids, you know,
this is where our forefathers
carved their way
through the wilderness
all by themselves.
Mommy,
I have to go potty.
Oh, crud. Euphemisms.
We're looking for a place.
We're gonna
stop soon, pumpkin.
Mr. Kramer: We are
not going to stop
until we are
in new Mexico.
Little Billy,
you can use
the r.V. Bathroom.
He does not like to use
the bathroom in the r.V.
But hurry, mommy.
I have to go tinkle.
Mrs. Kramer:
He has to go tinkle.
Crud. Why can't you just
call it what it is?
Delia.
Say, "I have
to urinate."
Delia.
Say, "I have to piss."
Say, "I have to let go
with the yellow flow."
Delia! Put that down.
Little Billy,
now, you can use
the r.V. Bathroom.
It's got one. That's why
we bought the n-25 unit.
Just go back there
and use it like a man.
No!
He doesn't like
the r.V. Bathroom.
He likes to pee
in gas stations.
He's a freak!
[Laughs]
It's just a phase.
Do you know how many
root canals I did
to pay for this
damn thing?
96.
I bought it so we could
all be together.
So far,
nobody's eaten in it,
nobody's slept in it,
so he can damn well
pee in it!
You know something?
I've just about had it
with all of you.
Next summer,
they can go off
to summer camp,
and you and i--
ok, ok. You can go
where you wanna go,
and I will go
somewhere else.
Kirby: Now, a number
of you people
have been comin' up to me
and sayin' that
this town is failing.
But I think god
wants US to be successful.
Hallelujah!
All:
Hallelujah!
Hallelujah for ticlaw!
All: Hallelujah for ticlaw!
But he's testing you.
Yes, he is.
The lord said,
"what you give unto me,
I will return
onto you tenfold."
Well, one
of our brothers
sittin' right here
amongst US
on his income tax
only reported fivefold.
And the government
didn't like that.
[Murmuring]
But he had faith,
a loving wife
and a great accountant.
Praise god
for our brother!
All: Praise god!
We are all, each
and every one of US,
being tested.
Now, one of
the loveliest creatures
in our congregation
came to me and she said,
"reverend, I am
hooked on valium."
Yes, she did!
[Murmuring]
"I cannot even go
to the 7-Eleven store
without taking
3 valiums," she said.
"I am afraid--"
she said,
"I am afraid
that one night
"while I am
serving dinner,
"I will trip and fall
"into the shag carpet
and disappear,
never to come up again."
I said,
"woman, you get up!"
And she did get up,
found faith,
and she found god!
[Shouts of "amen"]
And she threw away
her valium.
Yes, she did.
We are all being tested,
each and every one of US.
The lord said to me,
"build a safari park
in ticlaw."
Then they came along
and built their superhighway
right next to US.
[Murmuring]
He didn't say nothin'
about no exit.
But that is our test--
how to get them here
with no exit.
So we're gonna try
everything and anything,
and I mean anything,
and we are gonna rise up
to this challenge.
Yes, we are.
We are gonna soar like
eagles if we stick together.
If we stand up
and sing together,
because we got faith!
* oh, ticlaw, ticlaw
* wonderful, beautiful
part of heaven *
* ticlaw, ticlaw
* wonderful,
beautiful town *
* oh, ticlaw, ticlaw
* wonderful, beautiful
part of heaven *
* ticlaw, ticlaw
* wonderful,
beautiful town *
man: Kirby, I think
this is crazy, man.
Look, people are startin'
to complain,
and I really feel
that it's illegal.
This is not illegal.
And we are desperate.
This is a resort town.
We gotta get
our tourists here.
Yeah, but I'm the sheriff
of this town, man.
I'm the mayor!
I'm the minister of
the ticlaw baptist church.
I'm the president of
the rotary of the elks,
and I have 2 lions
and a rhinoceros
coming here.
And I warned you about that.
I told you that's a dumb idea,
that safari park.
Don't be afraid to pour
it on there, r.G.!
There are too many
safari parks in Florida.
This place is startin'
to look like Africa.
And the next thing
you'll want me to do
is walk around
with a spear
and a bone
through my nose.
Well, now,
that ain't a bad idea.
Oh, no.
Why don't you come out
and join US and help US
and give US a hand?
No.
Do it for me as a favor.
Man, I don't know.
Well, then, do it
for private enterprise.
Do it for the little guy,
for Christ s sakes.
Sheriff:
I don't know, Kirby.
Ok, all clear now! Come on!
Let's go! Come on!
Woman: Come on, now,
honey bubbles.
Take another donut,
and pull.
Come on.
Pull!
That's it.
One more, now.
All right.
Oh, that's beautiful!
Could I, uh--
excuse me, could I have
more coffee, please?
Bitch.
[Indistinct chatter]
Thanks.
Thank you.
Here.
This waitress--
hey, are you a--
[chuckles]
No, you go on.
Oh, nothin'.
I was just gonna say
that these waitresses
are impossible.
Yeah?
They don't care.
It's kinda late
and all.
What's your name?
Duane Hansen.
I'm Carmen Odessa
Shelby.
Are you a writer
or somethin' or what?
No.
No, uh--
what do you do?
I'm a waitress.
[Chuckles]
You makin' fun of me
now or what?
[Chuckles] No.
I bet you're
a good waitress.
What, um--
what's in that thing there?
Is that, uh, pebbles?
Seashells?
What?
Actually,
it's my mother.
What?
Well, she wanted
to be cremated.
She was real dramatic
and she said,
"when I'm gone,
burn me up."
So, I did.
Hey, what's
your name again?
Duane.
Mama, this is Duane.
Duane, this is my mama,
lolita Shelby.
It's kind of hard
to believe
there's a 250-pound
woman in there
with dirty hair
and a double chin,
now isn't it?
Yeah.
It's kind of--
my mama wore wigs.
For the past 3 days,
I've been throwin' out
wigs, wigs
and more wigs.
Anyway, uh,
what do you do?
I repair copy machines.
That's difficult.
You can't get just anybody
to do that.
You got a skill.
You wouldn't wanna
go have a drink
or something?
A drink or something?
Yeah.
Well, gosh.
I don't know,
it's-it's late.
Yeah, it's late.
So what?
Do you--do you
live alone or what?
No, I live with my--
i--
I'm sorry
about your mother.
Yeah.
We were friends.
She was a waitress, too.
And we were gonna go
on vacation together.
So that's why I say
you just gotta live day by day.
And the future?
I talk too much.
Nobody wants to hear it.
Everybody thinks I'm crazy.
Well, we're all crazy.
Right?
[Chuckles]
So hey,
what's your sign?
* look at those women
look at those men *
* throwin'
their lives away *
* hopin' lady luck
will get them down *
* this honky tonky freeway
* and there's,
there's a rhino loose *
* ooh, she loves
that juice *
* she hits the nearest bar
then waves to every car *
* she's got nothin'
else to do *
* everybody's goin'
faster faster *
* everybody's goin'
faster faster *
[music fades]
[Moans] Oh, it's kinking up
on me again.
Ooh!
I know what's wrong
with you.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
You don't know.
You don't.
I do know. I do.
Honey, would you
just relax?
I'm relaxed.
Are we there yet?
Almost, sweetheart.
When will we be there?
Soon.
Little Billy.
What?
[Water running]
Freak!
[Indistinct chatter]
I'm gonna try it again.
[Engine cranking]
[Horn honking continuously]
[Horn stops]
I can't stand this.
I can't stand it.
They can take away
my job,
they can take away
our house
and make US live
in a condominium
with a bunch
of old farts,
but they cannot
take away my car!
[Horns honking]
Give me back my car,
you bastards!
Give me back--
give me back my car!
Stop it, sherman.
Get back in this car.
Get control of your life!
I have never seen you
like this.
I liked that car.
It was my prize.
I know.
It was an honor.
Best ad man--
1956, 57, 58.
1954, 55, 56, Carol.
Will you get
my career straight
just for once?
Where's the tow truck?
It's not coming.
They're not gonna
even let US die
in Florida playing
shuffleboard.
It's gonna be right
here, tonight, Carol.
Don't be morbid.
The truck will come.
I can see my New York times
obituary right now.
"Sherman schaffler
"sneezed himself to
death in a rented car
by the side of the road
with his alcoholic wife."
Oh, I-I m sorry.
I didn t mean that.
I know.
Well...
I'm going to walk
to the nearest
gas station.
I'll go with you.
We're in this together.
* years from now
[Carol grunting]
* I'll want you
* years from now
* and I'll love you
[horn honking]
* years from now
* as I love you tonight
hi. What seems
to be the problem?
The damn thing
won't start.
That's the problem.
The damned thing
won't start.
You got gasoline in it?
Of course
there's gas in it.
It just won't start.
* always my one
* true friend
* and I'll love you
* till life's end
[engine starts]
* as I love you tonight
well, that'll be $45.
* I know this world
that we live in *
20.
40. 45.
Son of a bitch.
Have a good day.
Slide through, Carol.
* still, love
has kept US together *
would you like to go
for a cocktail?
Oh, well,
if you want one.
[Starts engine]
Would you believe it?
Husbands send in
naked pictures
of their wives
with little comments
for $50.
Who would do
a thing like that? Huh?
[Sneezes]
Why do you sneeze every time
you look at a naked woman?
I got a cold.
A cold, huh?
Are you sure
it's not an allergy?
Listen to this.
"Annie Jo Wheeler.
A social worker.
"Into needlepoint,
stock cars,
charity work
and group sex."
Who the hell
are these people?
[Sneezes]
You know, I think you sneeze
every time you get excited.
Don't be silly.
[Chuckling] Huh?
What are you doin'?
I'm givin'
this kid a ride.
Why?
It's cold, it's wet.
He's a kid.
He could be a cop.
He's gonna have to sit
next to our money.
So, you're a student?
Yeah.
Yeah, I am. Yeah.
What's so funny about that?
I see nothing funny
in that question.
Nothing.
I'm sorry.
Like, I'm wrecked,
you know?
Man, I can't hitch
on these freeways
unless I'm just
completely wrecked.
You know
what I mean, man.
Sure.
A lot of these weirdoes
pick you up.
And vicey-versy.
[Chuckles]
Yeah.
So what do you guys got
in the bag here, huh?
Money?
You're brilliant.
You know that?
Hitchhiker:
Hey, you guys cool?
Relatively.
[Snorting]
* drivin' on cocaine
* it makes the road
go faster *
* it makes everything
* seem very, very clear
hey, you guys
want to pull over
to the side
of the road somewhere
and do a little cocaine?
I don't think so.
Eugene, would you like
to snort some coke
by the side
of the road?
Eugene?
I'm fine for now, thanks.
Yep.
I'm goin' down
to the super bowl.
I'm gonna sell cocaine.
Workin' my way through
college sellin' dope.
That's very
industrious.
Shut up and slow down.
Wow.
Man, I love--
I-I love these
green signs, man.
You can be anyplace.
Oregon, Illinois,
Michigan,
new Mexico, New Jersey,
New York--
yes, yes, yes. We get
the idea. Anywhere.
New Amsterdam, new england,
New Delhi.
New Orleans.
You're certainly
in a nasty humor.
Shut up and slow down.
Woman over P.A.:
Paging Mr. Samuels.
Paging Mr. David Samuels.
Could you please pick up
a purple courtesy phone?
[Singing, indistinct]
Man:
Pretty, huh?
She's gorgeous.
Yeah. I'm her manager.
What kind
of manager?
Personal manager.
Oh, yeah?
You wanna get lucky?
Yeah.
Just wait here.
Woman on P.A.:
Paging Mr. David Samuels.
Could you please pick up
a courtesy phone?
Come on, guys!
We're all goin' up
to Wally s room!
What room's he in?
307!
I have a reservation.
I have a reservation.
Ma'am, our computer
shows no record of that.
And we are booked up,
so we have no room for you.
I am sorry.
You have no room for US?
I cannot believe
this is happening!
I cannot believe
this is happening to US.
Well, it happened
to Joseph and Mary,
and that
turned out ok.
Wait, wait.
What is your last name?
I have no last name.
Just for the computer,
what is your last name?
Christ.
Excuse me?
Well, technically,
since we're all brides
of Christ, our last--
sorry.
Well, I have a Claire,
a Clinton,
a clarise--
oh, that's me.
That's me. Sister clarise.
Well, ma'am, it simply says
"m. Clarise."
It does not say
"sister clarise."
Yes, well, that's me.
[Sighs]
Do you have
a driver's license?
She doesn't drive.
We've had
a lot of people
stealin'
television sets, ladies,
so we're crackin' down
security-wise.
Do you have
a major credit card?
We are nuns!
Look, honey,
I don't care what you are.
I have a corporation
breathing down my back.
We don't have
credit cards.
We'll pay in cash.
[Sighs]
That causes a lot
of problems for me,
but all right.
All right.
You'll be in room 219.
That's in
the purple cluster.
Here's your computer cards.
You'll use these
instead of keys.
Kevin!
Kevin will show you
to the purple cluster.
Have a nice day.
Hi, I'm Kevin.
I'll be showin' you
to your room.
God bless you.
[Disco music playing]
* always losin' my money
* I suppose
you'll think-- *
sister Clarice:
Sister!
Uh, coming, sister.
Are you ready, girls?
Let's run for it.
[Thunder rumbling]
Is this the only way
to get there?
Yes, ma'am.
Kirby: Listen, I'm tellin' ya,
they're gonna come back.
They're gonna get off
down there at the next exit
and they're gonna come
all the way back to here.
Kirby, if these signs
are illegal--
it doesn't matter.
This'll be a beautiful day
for ticlaw.
Oh, look, they're
slowin' down.
Look!
I think the signs
are gonna work.
* ticlaw
* ticlaw
Duane:
Oh, Carmen.
All my life, I've been waiting
for someone like you.
I'm overweight.
Mmm. I don't care.
Did you know
that Jupiter
is the largest planet
in our solar system?
Look.
I always sit
in this booth.
It's the same no matter
what state you're in
or what city.
This booth
remains the same.
The international house
of pancakes
is the one consistent
thing in my life.
Man: Try 2375.
Second man:
Son of a bitch.
Try 9164.
Stupid technology!
I don't believe it!
Here, here,
let me try.
[Lock clicks]
At least we got
the trunk.
Mmm. Yeah.
Let's take the Chevy.
All right.
Carmen,
I'll go with you.
I'll help you spread
your mother
around Miami beach.
How's that?
Oh, I don't know,
Duane.
See, that's what
I mean about my mama.
She just loved messin' up
everybody's life.
Now if I sprinkle her
around down there on that beach,
a big wind'll come up
and blow her
all over those people.
You know they got
suntan oil on them,
and they gotta wash
my mama off of 'em.
Someone they never
even knew. See?
She'll be affecting them,
and they ll never even know.
Waitress: Strawberry--
I love you.
Oh, Duane.
You don't even
know me.
I've slept with
over 300 men.
Everyone has
their faults.
300 men
in paducah, Kentucky?
Duane, it wasn't easy.
It's an accomplishment.
No, Duane.
It's a problem.
It's a real problem.
I'm like Ricky,
the carnivorous pony
in respect to men.
I love you,
I need you, and I want
to make you happy.
That's all.
Oh. I don't know
if that's what
I really want
out of life.
Woman: Oh, boy, Eddie,
you really picked a winner
for me last night.
Man: Why? What?
You really did.
This guy gets me
into his room
and opens up his briefcase
and pulls out a dog collar.
I knew I was in trouble.
I mean, then he has me
sitting in the corner
on a newspaper, barking.
And then he goes
over to the sofa
and he slaps his thigh twice,
and he goes--[Whistles]
I can't believe
you took mastercharge.
I don't know how
I'm gonna collect that.
So then I go over
to the sofa and I sit down,
and he slaps me
across the face,
and he knocks me down
on the floor,
and he goes,
"bad dog.
"You know
you're not supposed
to be up on the sofa,
you bad dog."
It's not funny, Eddie.
Ok.
I was ready to call
the a.S.P.C.A. On the guy.
I'm not doing the doggie bit
ever again.
Now, come on.
It's a lot better than
that-that Nazi bit
you did in Vegas.
So what's
a little barking?
You know, I could've
taken along
any of the other girls.
And they're a lot less
trouble than you.
But who did I take?
I took you, because
I want you with me.
You weren't even in the room
when I got back.
I'm right here.
I'm not doing this
anymore, Eddie.
No, you're gonna do
what I tell you,
or you're gonna end up
back in that supermarket
where I found you.
What's this?
Don't you have
anything smaller?
Hey! Hey! Hey!
[Honking]
* diamond trinkets
that you buy me *
* will not ever
satisfy me *
* long, black limos
* don't impress me at all
* diamond trinkets...
This'll only take a minute.
You got 5 shirts
already.
* crying while
the champagne's flowing *
* seems happiness
is the one thing... *
[women chattering]
* we can afford
they're both very nice,
but I'm not sure.
I'll come back later.
Oh. Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
* dad would have died
if he'd have seen US *
* just one room
* with a creaky
wooden floor *
can I help you?
* I used to save
dimes in a jar *
uh, just looking.
* I used to sing
and play guitar *
honest.
* ...We're leaving
any more *
* diamond trinkets
* are part of growing
* you're crying while
the champagne's flowing *
* seems happiness
is the one thing *
[inhaling deeply]
* we can afford
* when love was all--
how does this look?
Could I help you?
Eugene:
Beautiful.
Does it make
my ass look big?
No, your ass
looks fine.
[Song continues]
* oh, nights like this
a gal sure misses *
* hot dogs and mustard
* flavored kisses
* I'm not sure I need
* a sparkling stone
* cause I'm talkin' about
* diamond trinkets
that you buy me *
* will not ever
satisfy me *
hey, howdy, Kirby.
Nice going.
All right!
Attaboy, Kirby.
Attaboy.
Kirby: What do you say,
benjy, boy?
Hey, Emmett, look!
A pink town!
Keep it movin'.
[Blows whistle]
Free gas
on your left.
Ticlaw inn and safari park
straight ahead.
Now keep it
moving there, lady.
Oh, my god.
[Groans]
Free gas. Plenty of free gas
right here on your left.
Thank you. Keep moving.
Free gas on your left.
[Continues, indistinct]
Free restaurants.
Free parking and gasoline.
Come and get
your free gasoline.
Jesus.
We gotta stop that.
This time
it's gonna work.
I don't think
she likes this.
Don't worry.
Ladies and gentlemen,
you are about
to see a first.
Kirby! Kirby!
Mr. Kirk, you got here
just in time.
You can have a chorus line
of water-skiing elephants,
but you can't take the law
into your own hands.
Now?
In just a sec.
Those billboards
have got to come down.
They're illegal.
The oil companies
won't tolerate you
giving away
free gasoline.
Well, you can stick
the oil companies
where the sun don't shine.
[Cheering]
You'll pay for this.
We already have.
And I think
you can go now.
Go! Now!
[Applause]
[All gasp]
[Trumpeting]
Kirby: Damn!
Damn!
[Car horn honking]
Kirby, you're gonna
be killed!
What's the matter
with you?
This thing!
This thing
is gonna drive US
off the face
of the earth.
Honey,
we'll figure a way.
We always have!
I must be crazy
to have pinned our future
on a pink town,
a half-assed safari park
and a damn bitch elephant
who can't even water ski.
What you are is drunk
and about to be splattered
all over the freeway.
Now, come on.
[Coughing]
If she'd get up
just once, they'd come.
Hell, I would.
I'm dying of curiosity.
Oh, honey.
You'll do it.
You'll do it.
* everybody's going
faster, faster *
* everybody's
going faster-- *
who gets the hamburgers,
who gets the fries?
The lion gets the burgers,
the rhino gets the fries.
This'll only take
a minute.
Hey, I'm in no hurry.
They'll eat this stuff?
They ain't got much
of a choice, do they?
Hey! Whoa!
Wh-whoa!
[Shouting, screaming]
[Animals growling, snarling]
Do I look ok?
You look fine.
Does my ass look big?
Your ass
looks small.
Do I smell good?
You smell fine.
What is it with you?
These are hookers,
not debutantes.
Hey, could I ask
one thing?
Could we both try to
finish our endeavors
at roughly
the same time?
So I don't have
to wait around
like last time, huh?
Absolutely.
I just don't want to be
kept waiting, ok?
[Sneezes]
Woman on TV: While
your pig is marinating,
prepare a glorious stuffing,
using one fresh,
diced pineapple,
one ounce guava paste,
one pound of chopped
macadamia nuts,
3 large onions, chopped,
one pound of diced ham,
3 ounces coconut cream--
[women snickering]
And 20 kumquats.
Mix all of these
ingredients together
in a large mixing bowl,
and reserve.
Hi! I'm sorry
about last night.
It'll never
happen again.
I promise.
Please forgive me.
You kept me waiting
all night long.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Please,
please forgive me.
Pretty please.
All right.
You're forgiven.
Ok.
Just let me tell you
about the last one.
Ohh.
The last one
was the best.
Look, it's not that
I have anything
against hookers.
I just like a nice,
clean virgin,
that's all.
Clarise: Will you hurry?
What are you doing in there?
[Knocking on door]
Coming, sister.
Are you all right?
Yes, sister.
Man on radio:
So don't miss it.
Visit Eli's hardware
this week only.
Super sale of super
power tools at Eli's.
And when you go in,
be sure and tell them
Toby neumeier sent you.
Speaking of bargains,
ferns on the highway,
Carlyle's favorite eatery,
offers egg dishes cooked
the way you like 'em.
[Knocking on door]
Sister, are you
all right in there?
Yes, sister.
Well, hurry up, then.
All ready.
I'm going to have to tell
the new mother superior
about you.
I'm tired
of your nonsense.
Where's the car?
It's right--
well, where?
Shit.
It appears, sister,
that you've lost our car.
I didn't lose the car.
I put it right there.
You put our luggage
right there.
Did you leave
the keys in the car?
Uh, no.
They're here somewhere.
Oh, this damn robe.
What did you say?
Oh, uh, my vestments.
I haven't gotten used
to my vestments yet.
It's habits, habits.
How many times
do I have to tell you?
You really are hopeless.
Will you pick up
your suitcase?
We're going to walk.
Walk?
Yes.
To Miami beach?
Yes.
Maybe we'll get a ride.
Kirby: God said,
"I will provide
for you in abundance."
Well, we need an exit,
and I'm here to tell you
that everything is possible
for the righteous.
Hallelujah.
Hallelujah.
The israelites--
they had their backs up
against the red sea
with the Egyptians coming
directly at 'em.
Did they give up?
No, they had faith in god.
And he parted the red sea,
and the israelites
had their exit.
And we're gonna get ours,
no matter what we have to do.
[Cheering]
And we're gonna have
people here. We will.
When we get 'em here,
what are we gonna show 'em?
We're gonna show 'em
a real good time.
Now, let me hear you say it.
We're gonna show 'em
a real good time.
A real good time!
A real good time!
A real good time!
* the highway
stretches out *
* just like a snake
across the land *
* it tells a simple story
everyone can understand *
look at the water!
It's so blue!
Oh, this is it!
Mama, mama!
We made it, mama!
* there's a better
life ahead *
* and the highway
gypsies follow *
* every word
the highway says *
[Carol laughing]
* the road is like
a river *
* and it keeps me
movin' on *
Carol, fasten
your seat belt.
* just another
nameless driver *
* in a world
we never thought *
* drinkin' hot,
black coffee *
* as my car
drinks gasoline *
* and headed for tomorrow
* and somewhere
I've never seen *
* it's a honky tonk freeway
* it's paradise on wheels
* motel rooms,
neon lights *
* drive-in,
drive-out meals *
* and it's windin'
cross the country *
* just as far
as you can see *
* on the honky tonk
freeway *
* that's where I wanna be
[sighs]
Come on.
[Shouting]
Hey, sister!
* it's a honky tonk freeway
* it's paradise on wheels
* motel rooms,
neon lights *
* drive-in,
drive-out meals *
* and it's windin'
cross the country *
* just as far
as you can see *
* on the honky tonk freeway
* that's where I wanna be
[People chattering,
music playing]
"And little Mary
reached out her hand,
"and Ricky went
whee, whee!
And kissed--"
we're building a new
dispensary for our children,
and what we're asking
everybody to donate is $10.
Sounds like a good idea.
I could write you a check.
Oh, that's very
kind of you.
[Indistinct chattering]
Hey, you got something
on your nose.
How much is this?
Miss?
That ain't my station.
Will-will you try
to find some--
madam. Madam, could--
It's well done.
Grace, would you go
back to your station?
I'm comin'.
I'm comin'.
What for you?
I know what I want.
What?
Uh, clams casino
and you, baby.
Can I take your order?
Yeah. You can take
my order.
I'd like to start
with the lobster bisque.
Eddie: Grace.
You're kind of lonely,
aren't you?
Eddie, please.
Kinda.
I can cure that.
Hey, I'm in love
with a guy.
Oh, well,
of course you are.
But does he
make you happy?
Here's my question--
are you unhappy
in your present job?
You sound like
a commercial
on television
at 2:00 A.M.
You know, she's right,
Eddie. You do, sort of.
Yes, of course she's right.
But you see, what I'm selling
they don't offer on TV.
I'm not talking about
a truck driver's course
or some sort of slicer-dicer
in the kitchen, grace.
Oh, yeah? Well, what
are you talking about?
Grace, what I'm selling--
and this is
a one-time offer--
is the opportunity for you
to get out of here
and make
some real money.
You ever been
to New York?
No.
Think about it, grace.
When you deliver
that next fishburger,
ask yourself,
"is this what I want
out of life?"
And then consider my offer,
because this offer
expires with dessert.
Well, I think I better
get back to my station.
I'm sitting
up front, Eddie.
I'm sitting
up front.
Ok, then.
Who gets the crabs?
Honey, we all do
sooner or later.
[Laughter]
Cheeseburgers.
All right, we got
a filet of sole here.
Man: Filet of sole's
across there.
Hi.
Well, hi.
Greetings
and salutations.
Couldn't help but notice
you looking at me
from across the room
over there.
What sign are you?
Libra.
I was wondering if maybe
you could possibly
help me out
with a ride,
perchance.
Hi.
Hi.
Duane: Am I
interrupting something?
No, no.
Yeah, I'm spanky.
Spanky is the name,
and cocaine is the game.
Have a seat.
Thank you.
I was, um,
just talking
to your pretty
little wife here.
Who is this guy?
He's a libra.
He says he needs
a ride, Duane.
You didn't offer him one?
No.
Is he bothering you?
No, he's ok.
He doesn't look
ok to me.
Hey, what is this?
Hey, something new?
[Sniffing]
That's my mother!
[Coughing]
You're shitting me.
I'm sorry.
Miss!
You are not the only person
in the world, you know.
Hey, look
who's here, Eugene.
Thanks, gene.
Eugene.
[Speaking Vietnamese]
I don't know what
this country's coming to
when they'll steal
a nun's car.
Well, it's been a very
nerve-racking experience.
I'm afraid
sister Mary Magdalen
doesn't drive well.
I drive fine.
You look like a penguin.
I don't look
like a penguin.
You look like a crow.
Delia.
You'll have to forgive
little Delia.
Well, I don't look
like a penguin
and I don't
look like a crow.
You look like
Dracula s sister.
Delia.
And you do not
know how to drive a car
but I don't look like
a penguin or a crow.
I don't know if I like
being a nun.
I need to talk to you,
sister.
I can't.
Where's the food?
I don't know what to do.
I really don't know
what to do.
I do, baby.
I do, I do.
Here.
Now, grace, grace.
You want to come
with US?
I'm so upset.
We're going to
Miami beach.
* I'm sittin'
up front *
* na na na na na
* I'm sittin' up front
I'm sittin' up front *
"once upon a time
in a faraway land,
"there was this pony,
and his name was Ricky.
All: "Licky!"
Mm-hmm.
[Translating]
"He was the most
beautiful pony,
"but none of the children
could ride him
"no matter how hard
they tried.
"Because when a child
"reached his hand
up to Ricky--
[whinnies, snarls]
"Munch, munch,
went Ricky s powerful,
"flat, yellow teeth.
"And crunch! And off came
the little boy's fingers.
"And whee!
The blood ran across
his blue lips."
Whee!
What do you say, Earl?
All clear now!
Nice night for it,
Kirby.
Kirby: It's a sign, boy.
[Disco music playing]
Well, this has
got to go.
[Chuckles]
All right.
[Country music playing]
* tomorrow night
[snoring]
* you'll have
another sweetheart *
* tomorrow night
[up-tempo country
music playing]
* you just don't know
* how to treat me right
* oh, I can't go through
* another lonely night
hold it.
Truck coming.
Hit the lights.
Hit the lights!
Lights on. Come on.
Ok, but work quietly.
* and called it macaroni
yankee doodle, keep it up *
* yankee doodle dandy
[speaking Vietnamese]
[Car horn honking]
Ok, that's good.
All right.
Check the road.
It's a beauty.
It's a beauty.
[Dominique playing]
[Continues in French]
[Whistles]
Tell 'em it's all clear!
[Speaking Vietnamese]
[Speaking Vietnamese]
All clear!
Kirby, I don't think
we should do this.
We could all be killed.
It's just a little bit
of dynamite, honey.
We're just gonna
make a little bitty hole.
Now, don't you worry.
Fifteen, fourteen,
thirteen, twelve, eleven,
ten, nine, eight--
[siren wailing]
Ten, nine, eight--
please,
we've never done--
could you show
a little confidence
in my ability
to handle this situation!
Ten, nine,
eight, seven, six,
five, four,
three, two,
one.
Oh, thank god.
What happened?
Nothing happened,
obviously.
Aah! Oh, my god!
Holy shit!
[People cheering]
* ticlaw, ticlaw
* wonderful, beautiful
part of heaven *
* ticlaw, ticlaw
* wonderful,
beautiful town *
[indistinct
chatter, yelling]
Ok, folks,
just slow it down.
We had a little
accident here.
Just follow
the smiling faces
right down to ticlaw.
What's the problem, pal?
We got to get to Miami.
You'll be in Miami
first thing
in the morning.
Just keep
right on going.
Welcome to ticlaw.
Welcome to ticlaw.
[Rock music playing]
Welcome to the ticlaw inn,
everybody.
Come on, James.
Bring 'em in here.
You're doing a fine job.
Welcome.
It's very good
to see you.
Nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
Welcome, welcome.
All right.
An hour ago, I was
on my way to Miami,
and then this happened.
I don't want to
stay here.
Oh, come on.
This place
is great.
Eddie: She finds you
very attractive.
Brandon:
Do you know her?
Oh, yeah.
She's my sister.
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.
She's my stepsister.
Oh!
Hello. My name's casual.
It's awfully
noisy in here.
Why don't you go
up to your room?
Just take him upstairs.
You don't like dogs,
do you?
No, actually,
I'm a cat man, myself.
Whoo! Watch it, baby!
* always drinking
my Brandy *
* everything is dandy
* cause i'm
* about as crazy as you
see that girl over
there? The one in white?
Osvaldo: Oh, yeah.
She's very pretty.
Oh, she likes you.
She likes me?
You see, I'm her doctor.
Psychiatrist.
She's crazy?
You'd be helping her.
In 5 minutes,
go over and talk to her.
[Mouths words]
Sherman: You've gotta have
a phrase--"ticlaw ticks."
Kirby: "Ticlaw ticks."
Sherm: Or, uh, "time
in ticlaw tantalizes."
And show a picture
of a pretty girl.
See, it's
the association
of ideas
that counts.
Sell ticlaw
as a sort
of sexual oasis.
"Our time in ticlaw
was torrid."
Your husband certainly
knows his advertising.
Does he ever.
My sherm invented
bad breath.
Your husband
invented bad breath?
He fought for bad breath
for years and years,
and finally he got it.
Carol. You did one
brilliant thing, though,
and that was
to give everything
away for free.
You see,
he invented this test
where you put your hand
in front of your mouth
and you blow.
Now, what you're smelling
is not your breath.
What you're smelling
is your fingers.
Shut up, Carol.
[Disco music playing]
Thank you very much.
Good--good evening.
[Sneezes]
Is your room
upstairs?
But of course.
Whoo-hoo!
All right!
All right!
We ain't seen nothin'
like this in years.
You gonna love it here.
Well, wasn't part
of the plan,
but it's a nice
little place, huh?
Hotels like this are
part of our heritage.
Yeah.
Honey--
look, uh,
how about tonight?
Tonight?
What about last night?
Tonight, too.
Look, I am on
vacation.
Hey, Carmen, what's
your favorite color?
I think the living room
should be done in beige.
I kind of like red.
Well, then,
reddish beige.
How about the bedroom?
What do you say?
Whoa, Duane.
I think we ought
to get to know
each other
a little better
before we start looking
at paint chips.
I mean, did it
ever occur to you
that this relationship
might not work out?
No.
Well, my heart
starts to pound
if I get within 50 miles
of an army base.
Trouble with you is
you don't know a sure thing
when you see one.
Oh, mama!
[Duane singing]
* oh, Carmen
* I love you so
* Carmen, Carmen, Carmen
I love you, love you *
[continues, indistinct]
Carmen?
Hmm.
Carmen: Ooh!
Carmen?
Huh.
[Elephant trumpets]
Come along. Come along.
Zoo.
Zoo.
Right over here,
we have our lion.
Oh! Oh!
Can you say "lion"?
Children: Lion.
[Speaking Vietnamese]
And next, over here,
we have our elephant.
All: Elephant.
Bubbles.
Did you know that bubbles
can water ski?
[Vietnamese continues]
Here we have
our pony.
If you like, you can
reach up and pet her.
[Whinnies]
No licky!
No licky!
No! No licky!
No licky!
[All screaming]
[Speaking Vietnamese]
Come back!
[Telephone rings]
How do. Ticlaw inn.
I'm sorry,
we're all booked up.
Oh, yes.
One moment.
Kirby!
It's the governor.
Tell him I'll take it
in the office.
Uh, Mr. Calo
will be right with you.
Hello, your honor.
Is this Kirby calo?
Yes, sir.
Mr. Calo,
what do you intend
doing with your hostages?
Hostages?
We don't intend doing
anything with them.
We got no real use
for 'em.
[Speaking Vietnamese]
What was that?
What was that noise?
Well, that's just
the game room, sir.
Game room? He's got 'em
locked up in a game room.
Well, we would like
to talk to you.
Sure. We'd love
to meet.
Remember attica?
Never give in to demands.
Don't meet with them.
Shut the fuck up.
Uh, where did you
want to meet?
How about right down
the center of ticlaw?
You'll find it.
It's the town
with no exit.
We'll do just that.
[Sighs] If we ever
get this thing
worked out properly,
I will see to it that
you work in the post office
for the rest
of your natural life!
Hi, little Billy. Have
you seen your daddy?
No.
You haven't?
No.
I'll kill ya!
I'll kill ya!
Boy, was that ever
worth it. Thank you.
Good. Come again.
I gotta go
change my shirt.
Ok? Ok.
Hi.
Hi. Haven't we met
somewhere before?
I don't think
it was my station.
'Cause I'm your mother.
You do what I tell you.
No, you're not gonna
play anymore. No.
Billy: I'm gonna go
and play with the gun.
Bye.
Bye.
So, uh, how would
you like
to go up to the room
and, uh, just
be alone together?
You and I?
Well, I'm a little tired
right now, honey.
Hungry, too. Hungry.
Hungry?
* you dance so good
* so maybe we should
* do it again
* do it again,
again *
* you do the things
that you do *
[song continues]
* come on
* come on
Whoa!
Get down, sister!
You must come with me
immediately.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy, oh, boy.
Absolute disgrace!
I was only dancing.
When are you
going to learn
that you are
a bride of Christ?
If Jesus is such
a good husband,
why won't he let me
dance a little?
Carmen!
Come with me.
Kneel.
Ow!
Up. Down.
Carmen?
Carmen?
Up. Down.
Up. Down. Up.
Pardon me.
Governor: Where is he?
I don't see anybody.
Or anything.
It's eerie.
It's a trap.
[Telephone rings]
Whoa. Whoa, whoa.
Stop the car.
[Ring]
Answer it.
It's not for me.
No one knows I'm here.
Answer the phone!
Hello? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
They said, get out
of the cars
and meet them
in the middle
of the street.
It's a pleasure
to meet you, your honor.
What do you want?
Well, we want what we always
wanted from the beginning--
an exit for ticlaw.
Well, taking hostages
is not the way
to go about it.
Well, we tried bribery,
but that didn't work.
Right, Mr. Kirk?
You still got
the ten thou?
It's around somewhere.
This is worse
than Watergate.
Shut up.
We will never give in
to your demands, ever.
You cannot force US--
[explosion]
What in the world
are you doing
to those poor tourists?
Oh, we're just showing them
a real good time.
Oh. And if
I don't give in?
I understand you're running
for reelection, governor.
Sir, I cannot
participate
in a cover-up.
I point to
Watergate--
shut up.
Shut...Up.
Ok. Have you got it,
Mr. Kirk?
Yeah.
You know,
it's a terrible thing
when you pay for something
and you don't get it.
Makes you wonder
who you can trust.
Me. You can trust me.
I deliver.
That was my campaign
slogan-- "I deliver."
Gentlemen,
I think Mr. Calo
deserves an exit.
[Cheering]
[Speaking Vietnamese]
Ohh!
Oh-ho!
Go on, take it.
* everybody's going
faster, faster *
* everybody's going
faster, faster *
* they don't give a damn
they don't understand *
* going faster, faster
* everybody's going
faster, faster *
* everybody's going
faster, faster *
* they don't give a damn
slam, bam *
* thank you, ma'am
hey, isn't that
sister Mary Magdalen?
Yes.
Where's she going?
To hell, I'm afraid.
* thank you, ma'am
* when you're out there
on the road *
* and you're feeling
good and slow *
* 'cause you're holding back
your feelings every mile *
* and the world
you're living in *
* don't make no sense
don't make you grin *
* it's even hard
to try to smile *
* and the faces
that you see *
* they don't relate
to you or me *
* I swear,
I really disagree *
* what nature meant
for me to be *
* I find it much too tough
* this road is getting
much too rough *
* I say enough is enough
is enough *
* everybody's going
faster, faster *
* everybody's going
faster, faster *
* they don't give a damn
or understand *
* going faster, faster
* everybody's going
faster, faster *
* everybody's going
faster, faster *
* ooh, they don't give
a damn slam, bam *
* thank you, ma'am
* oh, thank you, ma'am
* oh, no, no, no
* no
* slam, bam
no!
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
Man: Wow! How did this
happen, anyway?
Second man: Did anybody
see this?
I saw the whole thing
through my rearview mirror.
Whoa!
A lion!
[Excited chattering]
Aah! Ow! Aah!
Hey, want to go to Miami?
* the highway
stretches out-- *
oh, no!
* it tells a simple story
everyone can understand *
* it's just
a concrete river *
* reaching toward the sea
Billy, please,
it's not funny!
Come on, mom, please.
Help me.
Somebody, please!
* it's like
home sweet home to me *
* it's a honky tonk freeway
* it's america on wheels
* motel rooms,
neon lights *
* drive-in,
drive-out meals *
* and it's windin'
cross the country *
* just as far
as you can see *
* on the honky tonk
freeway *
I'm sittin up front!
* that's where
I wanna be *
* that's where
I wanna be *
* well, it's
a honky tonk freeway *
* it's paradise on wheels
it's a miracle!
* hotel rooms,
neon lights *
my money, my money!
* drive-in,
drive-out meals *
* well, it's windin
cross the country *
* just as far
as you can see *
[growling]
* on the honky tonk
freeway *
* that's where I wanna be
[shouting, cheering]
All right!
All right! Whoo!
* wonderful, beautiful
part of heaven *
* ticlaw
* ticlaw, ticlaw
* wonderful, beautiful
part of heaven *
* ticlaw, ticlaw
* wonderful,
beautiful town *
captioning made possible by
lions gate entertainment