Honeymoon Academy (1989) - full transcript
A honeymooning couple become entangled in a plot to recover plates for counterfeiting US dollars. SHE thinks she's just retired from a government 'dirty jobs' department, but her superiors have other ideas. HE thinks she's a retired travel agent. Set in Spain, there's a constant flow of visual jokes, mainly at the expense of a group of incompetent thieves who are in hot pursuit of the plates. Many of the jokes are predictable, but there's enough to keep almost everyone amused.
These things are kind of tricky.
Shh!
Excuse me...
You know you're being followed?
Yes, I saw you downstairs.
Oh, no. I-I didn't mean me.
I meant him.
Hey, wait a minute.
That's your purse!
Ah, wait...
Are you all right?
Yeah, yeah, I am... you?
Yeah, I'm great.
Since I caught a glimpse
of you across the room
and time stopped.
And in that moment,
I knew you were my destiny.
How about, uh...
"Call me ishmael"?
You two are in big trouble!
I'm really sorry
that she tore up
your library card, ishmael.
No, Sean. Sean?
Sean McDonald.
I wish she would've taken it
out of the wallet first.
[ Laughing ]
I want to thank you
for what you did up there.
I mean, most guys would've
just looked the other way.
If I'd timed that leap
just a little bit better,
it would have
really impressed you.
I was impressed. Really?
Yeah.
Well, this, uh, macho stuff
is kind of exhilarating.
You notice sort of
a Charles bronsony glow?
Oh, I do,
and it's most becoming.
Have you had lunch? Lunch?
It's about... 6:00!
Oh, my god, my boss
is gonna shoot me!
The ol' "my boss is gonna
shoot me" routine, huh?
No.
No, it's not.
I want you to call me.
I know this is kind of formal,
but here's my card.
Maybe I could
take you to lunch or...
I don't know... the library?
Oh, a travel agent.
It is such a coincidence
because, I, um...
I own luggage.
I'll call.
Tomorrow?
Tomorrow.
I...
You wouldn't forget
or anything like...
You're gonna
buy me lunch, aren't ya?
I won't forget.
[ Phone ringing ]
Tina: Kent's travel.
Can you hold, please?
Kent's travel,
can you hold, please?
Kent's travel.
Can you hold, please?
Oh, thank god!
Mrs. Kent's got me
tracking you down everywhere.
Okay...
Doris: Oh, finally!
How'd it go?
Mmm, okay.
That okay doesn't
sound so okay.
Oh, oh, oh, you
naughty, naughty boy and girl.
Do you want to
take a gander at these
before I send them
over to state?
No thanks.
It's a very imaginative approach
to foreign policy.
Mmm... if I do say so myself.
Doris...
I met a guy at the library.
Is that the whole story?
Well, he, uh, he thought
my purse was being robbed,
and he came to my rescue.
He even tackled Dorfman.
Oh, my god.
Well, he didn't
tackle him very well.
You don't think it was
some twit from the CIA
checking up on US, do you?
No. I-I'd know it if he was.
You know, it was...
It was really very sweet.
What?
The... the guy, uh...
Who tackled Dorfman.
Tomorrow's too late.
Immediately would be better.
How immediate?
I'd say dinner, but you
make me too nervous to eat.
Oh, me?
This usually
doesn't happen to me.
You are sobeautiful.
Well, it's just my opinion.
You don't have to agree with it.
Well, I'm flattered.
I flatter you...
I protect you...
I think something's
developing here.
Marry me.
Oh, I-I don't think
it's fully developed.
Oh, yeah. I'm rushing
things a little too much.
Are... you too nervous
to have a drink?
I'm just nervous enough
to have a drink.
We'll do the marriage thing
some other time.
What's your Wednesday like?
Minister: Do you Sean
McDonald take Chris Nelson
for your lawful wife,
to have and to hold
from this day forward,
for better or for worse,
for richer or poorer,
in sickness and in health
until death do you part?
Sean: I do.
They know each other
for five weeks,
and they get married.
It's insane.
Hey, I'm with you, sir.
I told Sean, "why don't you live
with her for a couple years,
test the waters?"
Minister: If anyone here
knows of any reason
why these two
should not be joined together
in holy matrimony,
speak now,
or forever hold your peace.
Uh...
I pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
♪ [ Mendelssohn's
wedding march plays ] ♪
Congratulations.
To new beginnings.
Mmm... there it is.
I'll trade you.
Honeymoon retirement gift,
Europe, first-class,
two weeks...
From all of US.
Doris! I... I...
I know, I know.
You don't know what to say.
You'll miss me.
Miss the good times we had.
Doris, um...
I haven't said anything
to Sean, but I'd like to.
Yeah.
You know the rules.
We don't exist.
As far as Sean is concerned,
you're nothing but
a travel agent.
I know... I know.
And a very good one.
I'm gonna miss you.
[ Sighs ]
Me too.
[ Chuckling ]
You sure you don't
want to keep this?
It came in realhandy
in my first marriage.
No.
P.A.: American airlines
vuelo numero 59,
llegara a Madrid
de Washington D.C.
A la Puerta numero doce.
American airlines
flight number 59
arriving Madrid
from Washington D.C.
At gate 12.
[ Both sigh ]
Why do I feel like I've got
8 kilos of heroin in here?
The worst thing I've got in here
is socks with bad elastic.
[ Excited ] Ooh...
It would've eventually come out.
It's not a very good likeness.
I had recently worn a hat.
You know...
P.A.: All passengers
on iberia airlines...
Come with me, please.
Is there a problem?
No problem. Come
with me, please.
Sit down, miss.
Passport.
Gracias.
Guess who?
How did you know it was me?
What are you doing here?
I think you dislocated my liver.
[ Agitated ] Alex!
What are you doing here?!
Please don't shout, darling. I
had to do that awful embassy
party,
and I have a terrible headache.
I don't like you being here.
I smell a rat.
Did it occur to you that I might
just be here to congratulate
you?
So you know me... big deal.
I need a small favor.
Wait a minute...
This whole honeymoon thing...
It's a set up.
Now we know why I'm here.
I'm an idiot.
I must admit, darling,
iwouldn't have fallen for
it.
Anyway, lazos is back,
and he trusts only you.
Lazos?!
He has something
we want, my dear.
Just give US an hour.
Meet him, pay him,
and pass
the merchandise on to me.
No, no, no, no.
I am retired.
I'm on my honeymoon.
May I suggest you look in your
suitcase before your husband?
What? Since you will
be changing your mind,
I've arranged for a million
dollars in payoff money
to be slipped into your bag...
Right about now.
Where you been? What's goin' on?
It's just...
The ticket.
The ticket was
in my married name,
and the passport
was in my maiden name,
and they get
so easily confused...
Are you all right?
Are you kidding? He read my
article on the Lou brothers,
"where are they now?"
Oh, he loves me,
as do all the Spanish people.
There.
[ Whistles ]
Sorry.
Hey!
[ Tires squealing ]
[ Brakes squeal ]
Oh!
Bienvenidos.
Ha ha!
Sure hope he works here. Ha ha!
Where's the luggage?
Bellhop took it in.
Chris...
What's wrong? Are they gonna
check our luggage again?
No, I just wanted to get
something out of my suitcase.
We'll do it later, huh? Later.
After we check in.
Have the bags sent up
immediately.
Yes, of course.
Is this some sort of
luggage fetish thing
that I oughta know about?
He will show you to your room.
And your bags are
on their way up.
Have you found my luggage yet,
or do you have some new excuse?!
Chris: No, no, no.
Por favor, por favor.
No, d-don't put me
on hold again, please.
I don't want to hear
anymore of that music.
Look, just let me speak
to the manager.
El jefe.
I-I have been waiting...
I-I have been waiting
for five minutes.
I-I don't want to wait anymore,
I just want my luggage.
I thought you were gonna
slip into a little nothin'
and join me in the bathroom.
With the bags not here,
there is nothing to slip into.
[ Knocking ]
That could be them.
That could be them. Hold on.
Sean: Fine...
You can just put 'em down, uh...
Right in the middle of the room.
Uh... I don't have any...
I'll catch ya later.
I promise.
They're here!
Ah! They're here! They're here.
They're here...
Can we start our honeymoon now?
Um, I'll be right back
and we can practice.
Hey, the water's gettin' cold,
and the champagne's
gettin' warm.
I'll be right back!
What?
Chris?
Chris?
Chris?
Oh, shit.
Excuse me, uh...
Could you help me out here?
Uh, por favor,
limpiar El cuarto...
Catch you later. I promise.
Ow!
Well, dear Chris,
I'm afraid you've
backed me into a corner.
Now I have no choice
but to get tough with you.
Now, you listen to me...
The money is in
a small tan suitcase.
You want it?
You help me find it.
How could you put it in my bag?
How could you just
assumei would do this?
I want my honeymoon, Alex.
Oh, this is your problem!
This is ourproblem.
Take a look at these.
Very nice.
Take a goodlook.
Can you tell the difference?
No, I can't.
That's exactly the point!
No one can.
Lazos has finally made
the set of perfect
counterfeit plates.
How perfect?
Perfect perfect.
"Ruin the economy" perfect.
All I haveto do
is get Sean and go home.
Do that and two things
will happen...
One, I tell state
that you stolethe money.
And two, Sean finds out
about your secret past.
Oh!
Whoa!
I'm not going to
take that personally.
Please do.
Oh! Sean!
[ Chuckling ]
Oh, honey...
So... did, um...
Did he find your bags?
Who?
That hotel guy with
the bela lugosi hair.
You know, the, uh...
The one with his tongue
in your ear?
[ Chuckling ]
That was no hotel guy,
that was...
Alex.
Oh... good.
Alex.
You know, honey,
Alex desbains...
We used to work together,
and we haven't seen each other
for awhile,
and we were just catching up
to see how we were.
And how were we?
One of US was hanging
naked from a stairway.
You think he was impressed?
Oh, I think everyone in
the lobby was impressed.
But especially me.
♪ [ Flamenco music playing ] ♪
♪ Pasa diciendo
aqui dejo tu Alma♪
♪ pasa diciendo
aqui dejo tu Alma...♪
Excuse me, but, uh,
you're really starting to
irritate me.
Sack, open this.
Guess who? Ah!
Sean, meet Alex desbains.
Ah, yes. Sean... dressed.
Very nice.
I'm sure Chris
has told you allabout me.
Enough.
Chris, that favor
I asked you for
simply must be taken care of
tomorrow, darling.
Favor? Just a tour mix-up,
the kind of thing Chris is so
good at straightening out.
Chris is on her honeymoon.
Chris is retired.
Surely you can spare her
for a few hours to help US out.
I don't want to be the bad guy.
If it's something you have
to do, it's okay with me.
Then it's settled.
Para finalizar,
y para que todos ustedes
puedan bailar,
vamos a interpretar
UN tango.
God, how I love the tango.
It's such a provocative,
sexually stimulating dance.
Virtually pulsating
with passion.
Do you mind
if I dance with your wife?
Would you relax?
Or would you rather have this
discussion in front of Sean?
♪ Vente cormingo y seras♪
♪ capitana de mi barco♪
♪ yo me ire sin
rumbo fijo...♪
Tomorrow we'll go to the fiesta,
and we'll find lazos there.
[ Air dryer hums ]
Wait a minute...
I'm a Caballero, right?
So...
I'm sorry, you guys
are in the wrong room.
Espere UN momento.
Yo soy UN
Caballero, verdad?
Creo que se ha equivocado
de baño.
Ha ha!
Deja de hacer El idiota,
tenemos mucho
de que hablar.
Don't play idiot.
We have muchto discuss.
Uh... uh...
I'm not playin'.
No estoy jugando.
Eres muy
atractivo, mejor,
esto no tiene
por que ser una relacion
exclusivamente
de negocios.
I find you very attractive.
Mm, better...
It need not to be just
a business relationship.
Well, uh, I think
it should because...
Because my wife finds me
attractive, too.
Creo que si, porque mi mujer
tambien me encuentra muy
attractivo.
Bonito, deja de decir
tonterias, mm?
Sweetheart, stop the charade.
Tu y yo somos profesionales
y los dos queremos
esas planchas.
We are both professional,
and we both want the plates.
Plates...
Oh, the plates!
Oh...
Uh... I tell you what,
why don't you just keep 'em?
Nice talkin' with you,
but I gotta go now.
Te vamos a dejar
sin nada, desgraciado!
We will leave you nothing,
you wretched... pig!
Cerdo!
Careful in there, pal,
it's dangerous.
[ Door closes ]
[ Gunshot ]
[ Screams ]
Sorry. Mmm.
[ Mumbling ]
What?
He said to hurry because
he's in great pain.
Because I'm a fat,
brainless putz.
Please, Lance...
Please hurry...
Please?
[ Door slams ]
Ah...
Do I stand around gaping at you?
I don't think so.
[ Scoffs ]
Sean, what is it?
What's what?
Do you hate your tie?
Are you trying to kill your tie?
I'm disciplining it.
It's Alex, right?
Maybe it's another culture
I have to get used to.
Two women do
a wrestlemania number on me
in the men's room,
and some clown with a case
of 10-40 oil in his hair
tries to seduce my wife.
Alex seduce me?
Come on, Sean,
you actually sound jealous.
Maybe it's 'cause I...
Actually am jealous.
You don't need to be
jealous of anyone,
especially not Alex.
Yeah, well...
How about the way
he was dancing with you?
He's not a very good dancer.
What about that favor tomorrow?
You're the one who said,
"go ahead, do the favor."
It was jet lag talking.
Honey, I don't want to fight,
especially not about Alex.
[ Chris giggling ]
[ Chris and Sean kissing ]
[ Snoring ]
[ Honking ]
[ Exhales deeply ]
Sorry. My head must've slipped.
You know, my elbow still hurts.
Your elbow hurts?
Yeah.
How do you think my entire
head feels, you moron?
Huh?
[ Chris moaning ]
Chris: Help me move back.
Yeah. Oh!
[ Gasps ]
You know, I was thinking...
Maybe I ought to go with you
this morning.
Honey, it's business
and it's boring.
I-I left a list of some museums
that you might
wanna see around here.
I don't want to go
to museums alone.
Hey, lady, I'm here
minding my own business!
I won't know
when to be impressed.
Just ohh! And ahh!
At every other painting.
What?
What?
[ Muffled yelling ]
Your shoe.
Aah!
My shoes...
Aah!
Ha ha!
Chris?
Your hairdryer
just tried to kill me.
I'm sorry.
Who sent you?
That's a secret
I'll take to my grave.
Marlis.
Aah!
Who's marlis?
You look absolutely delicious
this morning, my dear.
There's a definite robust,
sexual blush to your cheeks.
Oh, yes, marlis...
He's a low life,
probably he wants to give the
plates to a foreign dictator.
Lazos will want to
see the money.
Not to worry.
You'll show him this.
Lazos trusts you. He'll think
the money's in here.
And when lazos finds out
there's nothing but
paper in here, then what?
Then we try reason,
and ask for time.
But if we don't make
this appointment,
lazos may try to do
business with someone else.
Great plan.
I never said it was
a plan, darling.
[ Engine starts ]
[ Tires squealing ]
Uh, follow that car.
That car... follow it?
Uh... comomiami vice?
Ah, sí!
Whoa!
[ Tires squealing ]
[ Distant guitar playing ]
[ Distant voices murmuring ]
[ People chattering ]
[ Guitar playing loudly ]
Muy buena esta,
esta p'hacer patatas,
patatas y bacalao,
p'a llevar barata.
Solo quinientas,
quinientas y va.
Na' mas que quinientas.
No, I don't wanna cook
any quinientos.
Quinientos, nada mas.
No, thank you.
Sean?
Sean, what are you doing here?
I was just looking for
some of those mini-fork things
you hold corn with...
I was worried about you.
I don't trust a guy
with a varnished head.
You stay here,
and I'll be right back,
and then I'm gonna
tell you everything.
[ Bell tolls ]
[ Bell tolling ]
Boo! Ah!
Oh! You almost gave me
a heart attack!
But you are young
and strong... you can take it!
[ Hand buzzer ]
Aah!
You never learn, do you?
You fell for that one
seven years ago.
I keep thinking
that you'll grow up.
Whatever for?
I can't avoid growing old,
but I can resist ferociously
growing up.
My dear, lazos, you...
I saw you with a young man
out there just now.
Oh, that's Sean,
he's my husband.
He doesn't know
anything about this.
I'm retired. It's you
who got me into this!
Yes, you.
B-B-But w-w-who could I trust?
You remember the last time
I dealt with your government,
they threw me into jail!
Of course, there was
a delicious irony in all this,
because during my holiday,
gave me ample time to
perfect my masterpiece!
There's a lot of other people
chasing after these plates.
I know, I know,
but they'll never find them.
They're very well hidden.
Why didn't you just print up
a couple billion for yourself?
Where would be the fun in that?
I would never get to see
your people squirm
at the thought that I was
selling them to their enemies
for 20 times the price!
And I could have done,
you know, oh, yes, I could.
But then this was never
about money, was it?
I'm glad to hear that, because
we have a slight problem.
[ Motorcycle approaching ]
Lazos!
Run! Run!
Got a light, pal?
I'd say things have gone
a tad awry, you and Sean...
Ought to get to la parra.
Wait for me there,
I'll get you out.
If anything
should happen to Sean...
You'll be safe, okay?
I'll call Mrs. Kent
and tell her you're out of it.
No, thanks, I already
have the whole set.
Basilica...
Doce... twelve...
Well, is... is that
dollars or pesetas?
Uh...
Okay, okay. Fine. Sold!
Basilica...
B-Basilica...
D-Doce!
[ Hand buzzer ]
[ Buzzer fades ]
[ Crowd yelling ]
Get on!
Something going on
I don't know about?
I'm gonna get US out of this!
Out of what? What are we in?
You're gonna hate me,
and I wouldn't blame you!
[ Tires squealing ]
Slow down!
We're not gonna fit...
Oh, my god!
But it's not my fault!
What's not your fault?
Let's start with that.
Him!
Huh? Huh?
Don't we know him?
How'd she do that?
Oh, she's terrific!
Whooooaaa!
Are you okay?
I can't hear you! My nuts
are clogging my ears!
Huh?
Sean: Oh, shit!
This is a hell of
a honeymoon package
your friends fixed US up with.
I guess you'll have to
steal another motorcycle.
When they said,
"till death to US part,"
I didn't think they
meant the first week.
Sean, I'm gonna
explain everything.
But right now
we've gotta keep moving.
No! I'm not going
anywhere until I find out
what the hell's going on here!
Okay.
The travel agency...
It isn't just a travel agency,
and I wasn't...
Just a travel agent.
Yeah?
We're run by
the state department.
We do different errands for
different government agencies,
sort of like a... like a
like a courier service.
A courier service?
Yeah. We deal with blackmailers
and ransom demands.
We do tricky stuff they don't
want to be caught doing.
This is a... a little
tidbit of personal info
that you might've
shared with me.
Sean, I wanted to tell you.
I couldn't.
My job was classified,
nobody knew... not my parents,
my friends... your husband.
My husband...
What is that?
Aah!
Ooh...
[ Jacket sleeve rips ]
Hey, sorry about the jacket.
[ Ripping ]
Whoa!
Sorry about the shirt.
Come on, give me your hand.
[ Mumbling ]
What did he say?
He said to leave me,
I'm worthless. C'mon.
Aah!
[ Crashes on the ground ]
Is this one of those
evil twin deals?
Have you got some...
Some dungeon in Washington
where Chris is tied up?
This is no evil twin deal.
You have no idea
where we're heading, do you?
Yes, I do,
we're going to la parra.
To a safe house.
Desbains will meet US.
He got US into this...
He's gonna get US out of it.
We're counting on him?
We're dead meat!
Sean: I'd like to suggest
we find an alternate route.
Over there.
Lance: I can nail a butterfly
at a hundred paces!
Yeah. I bet he'd enjoy it, too.
Please! I want
no hostilities here,
and no harm's gonna come to you.
Lazos gave you something
at the rastro.
I simply want it.
He didn't give me anything.
I'm not talkin' to you, lady,
I'm talking to him!
This?
You're shooting
at US for this?
I'm shooting at
them for that?
Wait a minute...
[ Panting ]
It's a clue to where lazos hid a
set of perfect counterfeit
plates.
Oh, perfect counterfeit plates.
Excuse me!
But I believe I'm the one
conducting this meeting here!
You either give me that thing,
or I'm gonna have my vice
president of public relations
here
plant some lead in your head!
Now, wait a minute, pal.
Do you want it?
[ Creaking and rumbling ]
I don't know about you, but
I'm goin' back to the states.
Sean!
Sean: ♪ if you go down
in the woods today ♪
♪ you'd better not go alone ♪
♪ if you go out
in the woods today ♪
♪ be sure to go in disguise ♪
♪ if you go out
in the woods today ♪
♪ you're in for a big surprise ♪
We're totally fucking lost.
♪ Cause every day's the day
the Teddy bear...
Aah!
Sean?
Oh, god, Sean, are you okay?
Oh, I'm having a blast!
Now, get me down.
Sean, I'm going to let you down,
but first of all,
I've something I want to say.
You've got about 90 seconds
till my head explodes.
I don't think you're
being fair to me...
Or to US.
What? How?
How am I not being fair?
I suppose... I suppose
you don't have any secrets,
any skeletons in your closet?
Yeah, but the Henshaw sisters
aren't gonna kill US!
Sean...
Sean, do you actually believe
that I wanted to lie to you?
Do you actually believe that I
would do anything to harm you?
I quit my job
so we could lead a normal life.
So how'd we end up like this?
She said if I didn't
do this one last favor,
I could end up a widow.
I respect your decision.
So you believe...
That I would never do
anything to hurt you?
This is a lot to digest.
Yes, but...
Especially when you're
hanging upside down like this.
But you believe me?
Yeah, yeah, I believe you.
Ew!
[ Spits ]
[ Twig snaps ]
Bambi? Thumper, is that you?
Marlis: Hey! Hey!
Wh-which way's my Mercedes?
Uh, that way, I think.
I think it's over there.
[ Gunshot ]
These things are very tricky.
It, uh...
You incredible dick!
[ Cocks gun ]
[ Gunshot ] Dance!
[ Gunshot ] Dance!
Soft shoe. [ Gunshot ]
Dance! [ Gun clicking ]
[ Gunshot ] Dance!
[ Repeated gunshots ]
Call me Mr. Curiosity,
but how did you ever wind up
in a job like this?
I was recruited.
[ Chuckling ] From what?
Your college spy team?
No, I was a translator at state.
I thought it would be fun and...
Generally safe.
And you meet such
a high caliber of people.
Well, I met you.
What do you mean?
Nothing.
Oh, no, you meant
something by that.
Wait a minute!
You were working
that day at the library.
Yes.
That guy wasn't
trying to steal your purse!
No...
Oh, man!
I feel like such an idiot!
You were passing him something,
and I screwed it up!
I screwed up some deal.
Sean, no. You weren't an idiot,
and... and you really didn't
screw anything up.
Because I tackled his shoe!
I screwed up screwing up.
The possibilities for
self-recrimination on this
are endless.
I thought it was
a beautiful gesture...
Stay over on your
side of the fire.
This is
a low self-esteem moment.
Maybe it'd be a good idea if we
didn't talkfor a while,
unless you have something
important to say, like,
"look out, he's got a gun!"
I have something
important to say.
Sean, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I got you into
all of this.
I... I never meant to hurt you
or deceive you.
No matter what happens...
No matter what you think,
I love you.
Hey. Hey.
Feeling better?
Much better.
But I think maybe
I'm still asleep.
Hmm?
I'm hallucinating
Norman bates' house.
[ Chris breathing heavily ]
Do we... really want to
meet the people who live here?
As opposed to spending
the rest of our lives
with tarantulas and orangutans?
I don't think
we have to dwell on that.
Do you recognize that car?
Because I think
I recognize that car.
I'm sure I recognize that car.
Well... this is
a pleasant surprise.
Cover 'em.
This is the last time
I'm gonna ask ya...
What's this thing mean?!
I told you we don't know.
Ask lazos.
[ Mumbles ]
What?
He said, "lazos is dead."
[ Mumbles ]
And in a minute, you'll be
able to ask him yourself.
Move, Lance.
I'd like to speak
to you a moment as if...
Well...
As if you were my...
Recently departed wife.
You bitch!
Hey! Hey!
Sean: This charade
has gone far enough!
If there's any business
that's gonna be done,
it'll be done with me.
Sean...
Sorry, babe...
The agency didn't
want me to tell you.
I hope you understand.
We've had our eye on you
for some time, marlis.
We knew we'd hook you if
we put out the right bait.
Oh, forget her. She's
a front, a diversion.
Who do you think set up
the gutzman hit in Geneva?
Or the blofeld sting in Prague?
Who do you think
put wo-fat to sleep
in Hong Kong?
You're looking at him, pal.
So let the filly go,
and we'll talk deal.
Deal? Filly?
That's right, deal.
The answer to that puzzle
is right here.
If you want it...
You'll have to get it outta me.
Now, that'sentertainment.
But back to business,
sweetheart.
Aah!
Basilica doce...
Uh, twelve. That's all he said.
It was just, uh, the globe
and basilica doce.
There was nothing more.
That's it, it was zilch.
[ Mumbling ]
He said, thank you very much.
This time he believes you...
And to kill you.
Sean, I'm so sorry.
I love you so much.
And I love you.
Come on, stop that!
Come on!
All right. Release the brake.
Gun the engine.
[ Engine revs ]
Now put the car in drive.
[ Tires squealing ]
[ Honks ]
Are they dead?
Yeah, they're dead, I, uh...
I pushed them off a cliff.
Marlis: Good.
What... what took you so long?
Long?
I had to walk back.
You had to walk back?
I'm almost afraid to
ask you this...
You don't have to be, uh...
Almost afraid to
ask me anything.
W-Where's my car?
Your car?
My car.
They were in it.
My Mercedes?
Yeah... your Mercedes.
Marlis: Mm-hmm.
[ Glass shatters ]
We're almost home.
As long as we make it back
for the world series,
no harm done.
[ Chuckling ]
Uh, honey,
when is the world series?
Not until tomorrow.
Oh, no problem.
I need a bath.
[ Screams]
Why didn't you tell me?
My hair looks like
shredded wheat!
You can carry that look off.
Really?
So now what?
We wait for
desbains to contact US.
You really think
he's gonna show up?
Oh, he'll show up.
I can't believe
I'm saying this, but...
I think I'm gonna
be glad to see him.
Aah!
Honey, I told you, your
hair doesn't look that bad.
Oh, great, he's dead.
Please tell me
the fall killed him.
He's been shot.
[ Knocking]
Room service!
I'm really gonna be able to eat.
In the closet. Help me!
Din-din.
You can just leave it
and go, thank you.
Chris: Oh!
We probably won't
even be using a fork.
[ Slams chair down ]
Sit. Please...
I'm... I'm really not very...
The guy's angling
for a hell of a tip.
Romantic, isn't it?
Where is it, Mr. McDonald?
I know I'm gonna
regret asking this,
but where's what?
Ah...!
What the hell
kind of crack is that?
Is there something wrong
with my hair?
No!
It's perfect. It's great.
Lazos gave you
something, I want it.
The thing?
Oh, honey, you
remember the thing
the guy gave me in the... place.
The thing! Oh, the thing.
The thing...
I put it in my purse.
But I took it back from you.
I put it in the car.
Under the seat.
You better show me where.
We'll be right back.
Sit down now!
Now, one of you better show me,
because I can get very ugly.
Believe me,
you're already there.
[ Gunshot ]
Maybe if I bought one for him.
[ Gunshot ] Ah!
Think we lost him?
[ Gunshot ]
Drop!
Holy shit!
Doris?
Well!
Everybody in one piece?
I don't know.
Let me check.
Who was that man?
Our waiter.
Doris...
If you hadn't
just saved our lives,
I'd strangle you.
Oh, you're gonna feel great
after a hot bath
and a good sleep.
A bath.
Good sleep...
It's some business, huh?
People gettin' killed
over some shaky, flaky thing
you can buy anywhere.
What?
What?
You know,
the, uh, the glass globe
snowy thing that...
That lazlos gave US.
We saw 50 of them in a
store window back there.
Pedraza!
The basilica at pedraza!
Here, honey.
Bless you.
You're feeling better?
Tons. Tons better.
Where is this boat?
Any second now.
A 20-minute ride to Ibiza,
you're on the plane.
You'll be home
in time for brunch.
But then, again,
Ibiza is such a lovely island.
Maybe you'd like to
stay there awhile and...
I guess not.
Oh, I'm so sorry
all this happened.
Ha ha! So am I.
Chris...
Now, don't get upset but...
I want you to think
very carefully...
Do you think that Sean is
holding anything back from US?
Maybe because
he's angry, or hurt, or...
Or what?!
Doris, just forget about it!
I'm sorry. I... I just keep
hoping for something else.
Basilica doce,
twelve... it's so vague.
And thebasilica is sobig.
It'll take US forever
to find those plates.
Doris...
I couldn't care less.
[ Boat approaching ]
Good news...
Your ride's here.
This one doesn't
have blanks in it.
You... you and him?
Doris, you... you couldn't,
you wouldn't!
Funny, Alex thought that, too.
If it were up to me,
I'd allow a quick death.
But you angered Mr. Pitt,
so he has a special
pain plan for you.
He has a pain plan?
Why?
Ten, twenty,
thirty million dollars!
The plates are perfect. No
telling how high the bidding
will go.
Look, now you've got the plates,
so we'll just walk home.
I'm sorry, you're loose ends.
I really didn't want it
to end like this.
No hard feelings, Chris.
Plenty of them.
Sean: So, I guess this is
the end of your pain plan.
Pitt: Bingo!
Aaaggh!
I told you you shouldn't
have pissed me off!
[ Gasps for air ]
[ Gasping ]
Lance: Come on, we're never
gonna find the plates here!
It's too big. It's too dark.
It's too wet!
Excuse me.
When you guys are finished
with your bitchin',
we're gonna search
every square inch
of this big, dark,
cold, wet place
until we find what 12
this key opens!
I'm going that way.
You guys go that way.
Everybody's had
their chance to kill US.
Now what?
I gotta make some calls...
State department,
local authorities...
Tell them what's been going on.
It's not our problem anymore.
Ha ha! We can go home.
[ Sighs in relief ]
I don't wanna go home.
What?
It may sound
kind of silly, but...
Back there
at the library, I kinda...
I thought I was
your hero, but I wasn't.
I need redemption.
Sean!
No, I... if your work
is important to you,
then it's important to me, too.
I wanna do this.
What are you talking about?
Do what?
Something that's good and right,
and not too damn selfish.
Hell, we're in the neighborhood.
Why not finish the job?
Let's get to those plates
before everybody else does!
Sean, those people
are dangerous!
They tried to kill US!
Sure, but, hey, I gotta
punch somebody right now!
Oh, I'm feeling
too good about you.
Sean...
Listen to me, you can't...
Okay, señor.
[ Laughing and voices ]
Sack: You incredible dog!
Dance! Dance!
Lance, look at this one.
This is funny. Wait, here goes.
This you're gonna love.
[ Mimicking marlis ]:
Where's my car?
Boy, my neck hurts.
[ Laughing ]
You're a fat, brainless putz.
My Mercedes! My new Mercedes!
You remind me of my newly
d-dearly departed wife.
Ah, ah, I'm gonna...
Uh-oh...
Get off your fat ass and find
out what this thing fits.
[ Children's choir singing ]
♪ Aleluya ♪
♪ aleluya ♪
♪ aleluya ♪
[ Organ music]
[ Children singing ]
[ Bench creaks ]
[ Body thuds ]
[ Woman screams ]
What now?
We spread out.
Look for anything
with a 12 on it.
[ Children continue singing ]
Oh, good morning, monk.
Whoa, baby!
Hey!
That's my retinas, you moron!
Careful.
[ More softly ] Careful.
That was fun.
There's certain educational
advantages to growing up in new
York.
[ Chuckling ]
Oh, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. This is it.
This is it? This is it.
This is it.
Where's the valise?
Get the valise.
Yeah... yeah.
Close it. Okay.
[ Gun cocks ]
Stop right there, gentlemen!
Give it to me.
Excuse me, miss,
but is this thing loaded?
It's a walther ppk.
It'll blow your head off.
In that case, you're pointing
it at the wrong guy,
'cause it belongs to him.
Hand it over, slim.
Come on!
I thought you killed them!
I thought wekilled them.
Here! Here!
Here! Here!
Here! Here!
Here!
Chris: Here!
Here.
[ Whistling ]
I'll take that!
Thank you.
Give it up. You aren't
going anywhere.
Yeah, we are... with her.
Sean...
Come on!
Chris: Sean...
Get away from me!
Get away! Get away!
[ Bystanders shouting ]
Pitt: So long!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Donde vas?!
Hurry!
Stop! Stop! Wait!
Wait!
Wait!
Wait!
Hey, what's goin' on?
You're not our driver!
[ Slams on brakes,
woman thrown to the rear ]
Do you really think you're
gonna get away with this?
Ha ha! I'm always the optimist.
We're running
a little late, folks,
so if everybody'd just
sit down and relax.
You'll notice below US
the beautiful seacoast
of pedraza.
[ Tires squealing ]
[ Passengers yelling ]
Sorry.
Would you slow down?
Would you shut up?
[ Passengers screaming ]
Hey!
Hey!
Step on it, slick!
I can walk faster
than this thing's movin'!
Go ahead!
Marlis: Whoa!
[ Ringing bell ]
Just drop US off anywhere.
[ Tires squealing ]
I surrender! I quit!
I surrender! Take me!
I've placed myself
in my own custody!
Oh, get outta here!
A government salary,
exquisite taste...
What did you expect?
I was ripe for temptation.
Come on!
Come on, move it!
You, move! Move it!
Well, we're on our way!
Oh, good!
Aah!
Sean?
Oh! Oh!
Hartman: Thanks again
for clearing up
this whole Mrs. Kent business.
I hope it didn't spoil
your honeymoon too much.
No! It was just like
the brochure said,
boating... swimming...
Nature hikes, deep-sea diving.
The only part they left out
was the shooting and killing.
We hate to lose you.
Sure you won't reconsider
that resignation?
Positive. Positive.
Such a pity, such a fine career.
Oh, well, thanks again!
W-Wait!
W-W...! That's it?
"Thanks again" is it?
That's it.
Let's go.
Look, pal, I haven't...
No, no!
Here! For you!
Honey, could you ask them
to bring down the hotel room,
because i'm... I'm just
too tired to move.
I just had a thought.
What?
If Mrs. Kent
did all this on her own,
and the state department
knew nothing about this,
who the hell is gonna
pay for our room?
Oh...
You're the McDonalds, right?
Right.
Oh, thank goodness!
I've been lugging this thing
around, looking for you.
I wouldn't leave it
with the hotel... huh!
They haven't found
my luggage yet.
Oh...
Holey moley!
Hey! Come back here!
Come back here!
Wait a minute!
Slow down!
Shh!
Excuse me...
You know you're being followed?
Yes, I saw you downstairs.
Oh, no. I-I didn't mean me.
I meant him.
Hey, wait a minute.
That's your purse!
Ah, wait...
Are you all right?
Yeah, yeah, I am... you?
Yeah, I'm great.
Since I caught a glimpse
of you across the room
and time stopped.
And in that moment,
I knew you were my destiny.
How about, uh...
"Call me ishmael"?
You two are in big trouble!
I'm really sorry
that she tore up
your library card, ishmael.
No, Sean. Sean?
Sean McDonald.
I wish she would've taken it
out of the wallet first.
[ Laughing ]
I want to thank you
for what you did up there.
I mean, most guys would've
just looked the other way.
If I'd timed that leap
just a little bit better,
it would have
really impressed you.
I was impressed. Really?
Yeah.
Well, this, uh, macho stuff
is kind of exhilarating.
You notice sort of
a Charles bronsony glow?
Oh, I do,
and it's most becoming.
Have you had lunch? Lunch?
It's about... 6:00!
Oh, my god, my boss
is gonna shoot me!
The ol' "my boss is gonna
shoot me" routine, huh?
No.
No, it's not.
I want you to call me.
I know this is kind of formal,
but here's my card.
Maybe I could
take you to lunch or...
I don't know... the library?
Oh, a travel agent.
It is such a coincidence
because, I, um...
I own luggage.
I'll call.
Tomorrow?
Tomorrow.
I...
You wouldn't forget
or anything like...
You're gonna
buy me lunch, aren't ya?
I won't forget.
[ Phone ringing ]
Tina: Kent's travel.
Can you hold, please?
Kent's travel,
can you hold, please?
Kent's travel.
Can you hold, please?
Oh, thank god!
Mrs. Kent's got me
tracking you down everywhere.
Okay...
Doris: Oh, finally!
How'd it go?
Mmm, okay.
That okay doesn't
sound so okay.
Oh, oh, oh, you
naughty, naughty boy and girl.
Do you want to
take a gander at these
before I send them
over to state?
No thanks.
It's a very imaginative approach
to foreign policy.
Mmm... if I do say so myself.
Doris...
I met a guy at the library.
Is that the whole story?
Well, he, uh, he thought
my purse was being robbed,
and he came to my rescue.
He even tackled Dorfman.
Oh, my god.
Well, he didn't
tackle him very well.
You don't think it was
some twit from the CIA
checking up on US, do you?
No. I-I'd know it if he was.
You know, it was...
It was really very sweet.
What?
The... the guy, uh...
Who tackled Dorfman.
Tomorrow's too late.
Immediately would be better.
How immediate?
I'd say dinner, but you
make me too nervous to eat.
Oh, me?
This usually
doesn't happen to me.
You are sobeautiful.
Well, it's just my opinion.
You don't have to agree with it.
Well, I'm flattered.
I flatter you...
I protect you...
I think something's
developing here.
Marry me.
Oh, I-I don't think
it's fully developed.
Oh, yeah. I'm rushing
things a little too much.
Are... you too nervous
to have a drink?
I'm just nervous enough
to have a drink.
We'll do the marriage thing
some other time.
What's your Wednesday like?
Minister: Do you Sean
McDonald take Chris Nelson
for your lawful wife,
to have and to hold
from this day forward,
for better or for worse,
for richer or poorer,
in sickness and in health
until death do you part?
Sean: I do.
They know each other
for five weeks,
and they get married.
It's insane.
Hey, I'm with you, sir.
I told Sean, "why don't you live
with her for a couple years,
test the waters?"
Minister: If anyone here
knows of any reason
why these two
should not be joined together
in holy matrimony,
speak now,
or forever hold your peace.
Uh...
I pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
♪ [ Mendelssohn's
wedding march plays ] ♪
Congratulations.
To new beginnings.
Mmm... there it is.
I'll trade you.
Honeymoon retirement gift,
Europe, first-class,
two weeks...
From all of US.
Doris! I... I...
I know, I know.
You don't know what to say.
You'll miss me.
Miss the good times we had.
Doris, um...
I haven't said anything
to Sean, but I'd like to.
Yeah.
You know the rules.
We don't exist.
As far as Sean is concerned,
you're nothing but
a travel agent.
I know... I know.
And a very good one.
I'm gonna miss you.
[ Sighs ]
Me too.
[ Chuckling ]
You sure you don't
want to keep this?
It came in realhandy
in my first marriage.
No.
P.A.: American airlines
vuelo numero 59,
llegara a Madrid
de Washington D.C.
A la Puerta numero doce.
American airlines
flight number 59
arriving Madrid
from Washington D.C.
At gate 12.
[ Both sigh ]
Why do I feel like I've got
8 kilos of heroin in here?
The worst thing I've got in here
is socks with bad elastic.
[ Excited ] Ooh...
It would've eventually come out.
It's not a very good likeness.
I had recently worn a hat.
You know...
P.A.: All passengers
on iberia airlines...
Come with me, please.
Is there a problem?
No problem. Come
with me, please.
Sit down, miss.
Passport.
Gracias.
Guess who?
How did you know it was me?
What are you doing here?
I think you dislocated my liver.
[ Agitated ] Alex!
What are you doing here?!
Please don't shout, darling. I
had to do that awful embassy
party,
and I have a terrible headache.
I don't like you being here.
I smell a rat.
Did it occur to you that I might
just be here to congratulate
you?
So you know me... big deal.
I need a small favor.
Wait a minute...
This whole honeymoon thing...
It's a set up.
Now we know why I'm here.
I'm an idiot.
I must admit, darling,
iwouldn't have fallen for
it.
Anyway, lazos is back,
and he trusts only you.
Lazos?!
He has something
we want, my dear.
Just give US an hour.
Meet him, pay him,
and pass
the merchandise on to me.
No, no, no, no.
I am retired.
I'm on my honeymoon.
May I suggest you look in your
suitcase before your husband?
What? Since you will
be changing your mind,
I've arranged for a million
dollars in payoff money
to be slipped into your bag...
Right about now.
Where you been? What's goin' on?
It's just...
The ticket.
The ticket was
in my married name,
and the passport
was in my maiden name,
and they get
so easily confused...
Are you all right?
Are you kidding? He read my
article on the Lou brothers,
"where are they now?"
Oh, he loves me,
as do all the Spanish people.
There.
[ Whistles ]
Sorry.
Hey!
[ Tires squealing ]
[ Brakes squeal ]
Oh!
Bienvenidos.
Ha ha!
Sure hope he works here. Ha ha!
Where's the luggage?
Bellhop took it in.
Chris...
What's wrong? Are they gonna
check our luggage again?
No, I just wanted to get
something out of my suitcase.
We'll do it later, huh? Later.
After we check in.
Have the bags sent up
immediately.
Yes, of course.
Is this some sort of
luggage fetish thing
that I oughta know about?
He will show you to your room.
And your bags are
on their way up.
Have you found my luggage yet,
or do you have some new excuse?!
Chris: No, no, no.
Por favor, por favor.
No, d-don't put me
on hold again, please.
I don't want to hear
anymore of that music.
Look, just let me speak
to the manager.
El jefe.
I-I have been waiting...
I-I have been waiting
for five minutes.
I-I don't want to wait anymore,
I just want my luggage.
I thought you were gonna
slip into a little nothin'
and join me in the bathroom.
With the bags not here,
there is nothing to slip into.
[ Knocking ]
That could be them.
That could be them. Hold on.
Sean: Fine...
You can just put 'em down, uh...
Right in the middle of the room.
Uh... I don't have any...
I'll catch ya later.
I promise.
They're here!
Ah! They're here! They're here.
They're here...
Can we start our honeymoon now?
Um, I'll be right back
and we can practice.
Hey, the water's gettin' cold,
and the champagne's
gettin' warm.
I'll be right back!
What?
Chris?
Chris?
Chris?
Oh, shit.
Excuse me, uh...
Could you help me out here?
Uh, por favor,
limpiar El cuarto...
Catch you later. I promise.
Ow!
Well, dear Chris,
I'm afraid you've
backed me into a corner.
Now I have no choice
but to get tough with you.
Now, you listen to me...
The money is in
a small tan suitcase.
You want it?
You help me find it.
How could you put it in my bag?
How could you just
assumei would do this?
I want my honeymoon, Alex.
Oh, this is your problem!
This is ourproblem.
Take a look at these.
Very nice.
Take a goodlook.
Can you tell the difference?
No, I can't.
That's exactly the point!
No one can.
Lazos has finally made
the set of perfect
counterfeit plates.
How perfect?
Perfect perfect.
"Ruin the economy" perfect.
All I haveto do
is get Sean and go home.
Do that and two things
will happen...
One, I tell state
that you stolethe money.
And two, Sean finds out
about your secret past.
Oh!
Whoa!
I'm not going to
take that personally.
Please do.
Oh! Sean!
[ Chuckling ]
Oh, honey...
So... did, um...
Did he find your bags?
Who?
That hotel guy with
the bela lugosi hair.
You know, the, uh...
The one with his tongue
in your ear?
[ Chuckling ]
That was no hotel guy,
that was...
Alex.
Oh... good.
Alex.
You know, honey,
Alex desbains...
We used to work together,
and we haven't seen each other
for awhile,
and we were just catching up
to see how we were.
And how were we?
One of US was hanging
naked from a stairway.
You think he was impressed?
Oh, I think everyone in
the lobby was impressed.
But especially me.
♪ [ Flamenco music playing ] ♪
♪ Pasa diciendo
aqui dejo tu Alma♪
♪ pasa diciendo
aqui dejo tu Alma...♪
Excuse me, but, uh,
you're really starting to
irritate me.
Sack, open this.
Guess who? Ah!
Sean, meet Alex desbains.
Ah, yes. Sean... dressed.
Very nice.
I'm sure Chris
has told you allabout me.
Enough.
Chris, that favor
I asked you for
simply must be taken care of
tomorrow, darling.
Favor? Just a tour mix-up,
the kind of thing Chris is so
good at straightening out.
Chris is on her honeymoon.
Chris is retired.
Surely you can spare her
for a few hours to help US out.
I don't want to be the bad guy.
If it's something you have
to do, it's okay with me.
Then it's settled.
Para finalizar,
y para que todos ustedes
puedan bailar,
vamos a interpretar
UN tango.
God, how I love the tango.
It's such a provocative,
sexually stimulating dance.
Virtually pulsating
with passion.
Do you mind
if I dance with your wife?
Would you relax?
Or would you rather have this
discussion in front of Sean?
♪ Vente cormingo y seras♪
♪ capitana de mi barco♪
♪ yo me ire sin
rumbo fijo...♪
Tomorrow we'll go to the fiesta,
and we'll find lazos there.
[ Air dryer hums ]
Wait a minute...
I'm a Caballero, right?
So...
I'm sorry, you guys
are in the wrong room.
Espere UN momento.
Yo soy UN
Caballero, verdad?
Creo que se ha equivocado
de baño.
Ha ha!
Deja de hacer El idiota,
tenemos mucho
de que hablar.
Don't play idiot.
We have muchto discuss.
Uh... uh...
I'm not playin'.
No estoy jugando.
Eres muy
atractivo, mejor,
esto no tiene
por que ser una relacion
exclusivamente
de negocios.
I find you very attractive.
Mm, better...
It need not to be just
a business relationship.
Well, uh, I think
it should because...
Because my wife finds me
attractive, too.
Creo que si, porque mi mujer
tambien me encuentra muy
attractivo.
Bonito, deja de decir
tonterias, mm?
Sweetheart, stop the charade.
Tu y yo somos profesionales
y los dos queremos
esas planchas.
We are both professional,
and we both want the plates.
Plates...
Oh, the plates!
Oh...
Uh... I tell you what,
why don't you just keep 'em?
Nice talkin' with you,
but I gotta go now.
Te vamos a dejar
sin nada, desgraciado!
We will leave you nothing,
you wretched... pig!
Cerdo!
Careful in there, pal,
it's dangerous.
[ Door closes ]
[ Gunshot ]
[ Screams ]
Sorry. Mmm.
[ Mumbling ]
What?
He said to hurry because
he's in great pain.
Because I'm a fat,
brainless putz.
Please, Lance...
Please hurry...
Please?
[ Door slams ]
Ah...
Do I stand around gaping at you?
I don't think so.
[ Scoffs ]
Sean, what is it?
What's what?
Do you hate your tie?
Are you trying to kill your tie?
I'm disciplining it.
It's Alex, right?
Maybe it's another culture
I have to get used to.
Two women do
a wrestlemania number on me
in the men's room,
and some clown with a case
of 10-40 oil in his hair
tries to seduce my wife.
Alex seduce me?
Come on, Sean,
you actually sound jealous.
Maybe it's 'cause I...
Actually am jealous.
You don't need to be
jealous of anyone,
especially not Alex.
Yeah, well...
How about the way
he was dancing with you?
He's not a very good dancer.
What about that favor tomorrow?
You're the one who said,
"go ahead, do the favor."
It was jet lag talking.
Honey, I don't want to fight,
especially not about Alex.
[ Chris giggling ]
[ Chris and Sean kissing ]
[ Snoring ]
[ Honking ]
[ Exhales deeply ]
Sorry. My head must've slipped.
You know, my elbow still hurts.
Your elbow hurts?
Yeah.
How do you think my entire
head feels, you moron?
Huh?
[ Chris moaning ]
Chris: Help me move back.
Yeah. Oh!
[ Gasps ]
You know, I was thinking...
Maybe I ought to go with you
this morning.
Honey, it's business
and it's boring.
I-I left a list of some museums
that you might
wanna see around here.
I don't want to go
to museums alone.
Hey, lady, I'm here
minding my own business!
I won't know
when to be impressed.
Just ohh! And ahh!
At every other painting.
What?
What?
[ Muffled yelling ]
Your shoe.
Aah!
My shoes...
Aah!
Ha ha!
Chris?
Your hairdryer
just tried to kill me.
I'm sorry.
Who sent you?
That's a secret
I'll take to my grave.
Marlis.
Aah!
Who's marlis?
You look absolutely delicious
this morning, my dear.
There's a definite robust,
sexual blush to your cheeks.
Oh, yes, marlis...
He's a low life,
probably he wants to give the
plates to a foreign dictator.
Lazos will want to
see the money.
Not to worry.
You'll show him this.
Lazos trusts you. He'll think
the money's in here.
And when lazos finds out
there's nothing but
paper in here, then what?
Then we try reason,
and ask for time.
But if we don't make
this appointment,
lazos may try to do
business with someone else.
Great plan.
I never said it was
a plan, darling.
[ Engine starts ]
[ Tires squealing ]
Uh, follow that car.
That car... follow it?
Uh... comomiami vice?
Ah, sí!
Whoa!
[ Tires squealing ]
[ Distant guitar playing ]
[ Distant voices murmuring ]
[ People chattering ]
[ Guitar playing loudly ]
Muy buena esta,
esta p'hacer patatas,
patatas y bacalao,
p'a llevar barata.
Solo quinientas,
quinientas y va.
Na' mas que quinientas.
No, I don't wanna cook
any quinientos.
Quinientos, nada mas.
No, thank you.
Sean?
Sean, what are you doing here?
I was just looking for
some of those mini-fork things
you hold corn with...
I was worried about you.
I don't trust a guy
with a varnished head.
You stay here,
and I'll be right back,
and then I'm gonna
tell you everything.
[ Bell tolls ]
[ Bell tolling ]
Boo! Ah!
Oh! You almost gave me
a heart attack!
But you are young
and strong... you can take it!
[ Hand buzzer ]
Aah!
You never learn, do you?
You fell for that one
seven years ago.
I keep thinking
that you'll grow up.
Whatever for?
I can't avoid growing old,
but I can resist ferociously
growing up.
My dear, lazos, you...
I saw you with a young man
out there just now.
Oh, that's Sean,
he's my husband.
He doesn't know
anything about this.
I'm retired. It's you
who got me into this!
Yes, you.
B-B-But w-w-who could I trust?
You remember the last time
I dealt with your government,
they threw me into jail!
Of course, there was
a delicious irony in all this,
because during my holiday,
gave me ample time to
perfect my masterpiece!
There's a lot of other people
chasing after these plates.
I know, I know,
but they'll never find them.
They're very well hidden.
Why didn't you just print up
a couple billion for yourself?
Where would be the fun in that?
I would never get to see
your people squirm
at the thought that I was
selling them to their enemies
for 20 times the price!
And I could have done,
you know, oh, yes, I could.
But then this was never
about money, was it?
I'm glad to hear that, because
we have a slight problem.
[ Motorcycle approaching ]
Lazos!
Run! Run!
Got a light, pal?
I'd say things have gone
a tad awry, you and Sean...
Ought to get to la parra.
Wait for me there,
I'll get you out.
If anything
should happen to Sean...
You'll be safe, okay?
I'll call Mrs. Kent
and tell her you're out of it.
No, thanks, I already
have the whole set.
Basilica...
Doce... twelve...
Well, is... is that
dollars or pesetas?
Uh...
Okay, okay. Fine. Sold!
Basilica...
B-Basilica...
D-Doce!
[ Hand buzzer ]
[ Buzzer fades ]
[ Crowd yelling ]
Get on!
Something going on
I don't know about?
I'm gonna get US out of this!
Out of what? What are we in?
You're gonna hate me,
and I wouldn't blame you!
[ Tires squealing ]
Slow down!
We're not gonna fit...
Oh, my god!
But it's not my fault!
What's not your fault?
Let's start with that.
Him!
Huh? Huh?
Don't we know him?
How'd she do that?
Oh, she's terrific!
Whooooaaa!
Are you okay?
I can't hear you! My nuts
are clogging my ears!
Huh?
Sean: Oh, shit!
This is a hell of
a honeymoon package
your friends fixed US up with.
I guess you'll have to
steal another motorcycle.
When they said,
"till death to US part,"
I didn't think they
meant the first week.
Sean, I'm gonna
explain everything.
But right now
we've gotta keep moving.
No! I'm not going
anywhere until I find out
what the hell's going on here!
Okay.
The travel agency...
It isn't just a travel agency,
and I wasn't...
Just a travel agent.
Yeah?
We're run by
the state department.
We do different errands for
different government agencies,
sort of like a... like a
like a courier service.
A courier service?
Yeah. We deal with blackmailers
and ransom demands.
We do tricky stuff they don't
want to be caught doing.
This is a... a little
tidbit of personal info
that you might've
shared with me.
Sean, I wanted to tell you.
I couldn't.
My job was classified,
nobody knew... not my parents,
my friends... your husband.
My husband...
What is that?
Aah!
Ooh...
[ Jacket sleeve rips ]
Hey, sorry about the jacket.
[ Ripping ]
Whoa!
Sorry about the shirt.
Come on, give me your hand.
[ Mumbling ]
What did he say?
He said to leave me,
I'm worthless. C'mon.
Aah!
[ Crashes on the ground ]
Is this one of those
evil twin deals?
Have you got some...
Some dungeon in Washington
where Chris is tied up?
This is no evil twin deal.
You have no idea
where we're heading, do you?
Yes, I do,
we're going to la parra.
To a safe house.
Desbains will meet US.
He got US into this...
He's gonna get US out of it.
We're counting on him?
We're dead meat!
Sean: I'd like to suggest
we find an alternate route.
Over there.
Lance: I can nail a butterfly
at a hundred paces!
Yeah. I bet he'd enjoy it, too.
Please! I want
no hostilities here,
and no harm's gonna come to you.
Lazos gave you something
at the rastro.
I simply want it.
He didn't give me anything.
I'm not talkin' to you, lady,
I'm talking to him!
This?
You're shooting
at US for this?
I'm shooting at
them for that?
Wait a minute...
[ Panting ]
It's a clue to where lazos hid a
set of perfect counterfeit
plates.
Oh, perfect counterfeit plates.
Excuse me!
But I believe I'm the one
conducting this meeting here!
You either give me that thing,
or I'm gonna have my vice
president of public relations
here
plant some lead in your head!
Now, wait a minute, pal.
Do you want it?
[ Creaking and rumbling ]
I don't know about you, but
I'm goin' back to the states.
Sean!
Sean: ♪ if you go down
in the woods today ♪
♪ you'd better not go alone ♪
♪ if you go out
in the woods today ♪
♪ be sure to go in disguise ♪
♪ if you go out
in the woods today ♪
♪ you're in for a big surprise ♪
We're totally fucking lost.
♪ Cause every day's the day
the Teddy bear...
Aah!
Sean?
Oh, god, Sean, are you okay?
Oh, I'm having a blast!
Now, get me down.
Sean, I'm going to let you down,
but first of all,
I've something I want to say.
You've got about 90 seconds
till my head explodes.
I don't think you're
being fair to me...
Or to US.
What? How?
How am I not being fair?
I suppose... I suppose
you don't have any secrets,
any skeletons in your closet?
Yeah, but the Henshaw sisters
aren't gonna kill US!
Sean...
Sean, do you actually believe
that I wanted to lie to you?
Do you actually believe that I
would do anything to harm you?
I quit my job
so we could lead a normal life.
So how'd we end up like this?
She said if I didn't
do this one last favor,
I could end up a widow.
I respect your decision.
So you believe...
That I would never do
anything to hurt you?
This is a lot to digest.
Yes, but...
Especially when you're
hanging upside down like this.
But you believe me?
Yeah, yeah, I believe you.
Ew!
[ Spits ]
[ Twig snaps ]
Bambi? Thumper, is that you?
Marlis: Hey! Hey!
Wh-which way's my Mercedes?
Uh, that way, I think.
I think it's over there.
[ Gunshot ]
These things are very tricky.
It, uh...
You incredible dick!
[ Cocks gun ]
[ Gunshot ] Dance!
[ Gunshot ] Dance!
Soft shoe. [ Gunshot ]
Dance! [ Gun clicking ]
[ Gunshot ] Dance!
[ Repeated gunshots ]
Call me Mr. Curiosity,
but how did you ever wind up
in a job like this?
I was recruited.
[ Chuckling ] From what?
Your college spy team?
No, I was a translator at state.
I thought it would be fun and...
Generally safe.
And you meet such
a high caliber of people.
Well, I met you.
What do you mean?
Nothing.
Oh, no, you meant
something by that.
Wait a minute!
You were working
that day at the library.
Yes.
That guy wasn't
trying to steal your purse!
No...
Oh, man!
I feel like such an idiot!
You were passing him something,
and I screwed it up!
I screwed up some deal.
Sean, no. You weren't an idiot,
and... and you really didn't
screw anything up.
Because I tackled his shoe!
I screwed up screwing up.
The possibilities for
self-recrimination on this
are endless.
I thought it was
a beautiful gesture...
Stay over on your
side of the fire.
This is
a low self-esteem moment.
Maybe it'd be a good idea if we
didn't talkfor a while,
unless you have something
important to say, like,
"look out, he's got a gun!"
I have something
important to say.
Sean, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I got you into
all of this.
I... I never meant to hurt you
or deceive you.
No matter what happens...
No matter what you think,
I love you.
Hey. Hey.
Feeling better?
Much better.
But I think maybe
I'm still asleep.
Hmm?
I'm hallucinating
Norman bates' house.
[ Chris breathing heavily ]
Do we... really want to
meet the people who live here?
As opposed to spending
the rest of our lives
with tarantulas and orangutans?
I don't think
we have to dwell on that.
Do you recognize that car?
Because I think
I recognize that car.
I'm sure I recognize that car.
Well... this is
a pleasant surprise.
Cover 'em.
This is the last time
I'm gonna ask ya...
What's this thing mean?!
I told you we don't know.
Ask lazos.
[ Mumbles ]
What?
He said, "lazos is dead."
[ Mumbles ]
And in a minute, you'll be
able to ask him yourself.
Move, Lance.
I'd like to speak
to you a moment as if...
Well...
As if you were my...
Recently departed wife.
You bitch!
Hey! Hey!
Sean: This charade
has gone far enough!
If there's any business
that's gonna be done,
it'll be done with me.
Sean...
Sorry, babe...
The agency didn't
want me to tell you.
I hope you understand.
We've had our eye on you
for some time, marlis.
We knew we'd hook you if
we put out the right bait.
Oh, forget her. She's
a front, a diversion.
Who do you think set up
the gutzman hit in Geneva?
Or the blofeld sting in Prague?
Who do you think
put wo-fat to sleep
in Hong Kong?
You're looking at him, pal.
So let the filly go,
and we'll talk deal.
Deal? Filly?
That's right, deal.
The answer to that puzzle
is right here.
If you want it...
You'll have to get it outta me.
Now, that'sentertainment.
But back to business,
sweetheart.
Aah!
Basilica doce...
Uh, twelve. That's all he said.
It was just, uh, the globe
and basilica doce.
There was nothing more.
That's it, it was zilch.
[ Mumbling ]
He said, thank you very much.
This time he believes you...
And to kill you.
Sean, I'm so sorry.
I love you so much.
And I love you.
Come on, stop that!
Come on!
All right. Release the brake.
Gun the engine.
[ Engine revs ]
Now put the car in drive.
[ Tires squealing ]
[ Honks ]
Are they dead?
Yeah, they're dead, I, uh...
I pushed them off a cliff.
Marlis: Good.
What... what took you so long?
Long?
I had to walk back.
You had to walk back?
I'm almost afraid to
ask you this...
You don't have to be, uh...
Almost afraid to
ask me anything.
W-Where's my car?
Your car?
My car.
They were in it.
My Mercedes?
Yeah... your Mercedes.
Marlis: Mm-hmm.
[ Glass shatters ]
We're almost home.
As long as we make it back
for the world series,
no harm done.
[ Chuckling ]
Uh, honey,
when is the world series?
Not until tomorrow.
Oh, no problem.
I need a bath.
[ Screams]
Why didn't you tell me?
My hair looks like
shredded wheat!
You can carry that look off.
Really?
So now what?
We wait for
desbains to contact US.
You really think
he's gonna show up?
Oh, he'll show up.
I can't believe
I'm saying this, but...
I think I'm gonna
be glad to see him.
Aah!
Honey, I told you, your
hair doesn't look that bad.
Oh, great, he's dead.
Please tell me
the fall killed him.
He's been shot.
[ Knocking]
Room service!
I'm really gonna be able to eat.
In the closet. Help me!
Din-din.
You can just leave it
and go, thank you.
Chris: Oh!
We probably won't
even be using a fork.
[ Slams chair down ]
Sit. Please...
I'm... I'm really not very...
The guy's angling
for a hell of a tip.
Romantic, isn't it?
Where is it, Mr. McDonald?
I know I'm gonna
regret asking this,
but where's what?
Ah...!
What the hell
kind of crack is that?
Is there something wrong
with my hair?
No!
It's perfect. It's great.
Lazos gave you
something, I want it.
The thing?
Oh, honey, you
remember the thing
the guy gave me in the... place.
The thing! Oh, the thing.
The thing...
I put it in my purse.
But I took it back from you.
I put it in the car.
Under the seat.
You better show me where.
We'll be right back.
Sit down now!
Now, one of you better show me,
because I can get very ugly.
Believe me,
you're already there.
[ Gunshot ]
Maybe if I bought one for him.
[ Gunshot ] Ah!
Think we lost him?
[ Gunshot ]
Drop!
Holy shit!
Doris?
Well!
Everybody in one piece?
I don't know.
Let me check.
Who was that man?
Our waiter.
Doris...
If you hadn't
just saved our lives,
I'd strangle you.
Oh, you're gonna feel great
after a hot bath
and a good sleep.
A bath.
Good sleep...
It's some business, huh?
People gettin' killed
over some shaky, flaky thing
you can buy anywhere.
What?
What?
You know,
the, uh, the glass globe
snowy thing that...
That lazlos gave US.
We saw 50 of them in a
store window back there.
Pedraza!
The basilica at pedraza!
Here, honey.
Bless you.
You're feeling better?
Tons. Tons better.
Where is this boat?
Any second now.
A 20-minute ride to Ibiza,
you're on the plane.
You'll be home
in time for brunch.
But then, again,
Ibiza is such a lovely island.
Maybe you'd like to
stay there awhile and...
I guess not.
Oh, I'm so sorry
all this happened.
Ha ha! So am I.
Chris...
Now, don't get upset but...
I want you to think
very carefully...
Do you think that Sean is
holding anything back from US?
Maybe because
he's angry, or hurt, or...
Or what?!
Doris, just forget about it!
I'm sorry. I... I just keep
hoping for something else.
Basilica doce,
twelve... it's so vague.
And thebasilica is sobig.
It'll take US forever
to find those plates.
Doris...
I couldn't care less.
[ Boat approaching ]
Good news...
Your ride's here.
This one doesn't
have blanks in it.
You... you and him?
Doris, you... you couldn't,
you wouldn't!
Funny, Alex thought that, too.
If it were up to me,
I'd allow a quick death.
But you angered Mr. Pitt,
so he has a special
pain plan for you.
He has a pain plan?
Why?
Ten, twenty,
thirty million dollars!
The plates are perfect. No
telling how high the bidding
will go.
Look, now you've got the plates,
so we'll just walk home.
I'm sorry, you're loose ends.
I really didn't want it
to end like this.
No hard feelings, Chris.
Plenty of them.
Sean: So, I guess this is
the end of your pain plan.
Pitt: Bingo!
Aaaggh!
I told you you shouldn't
have pissed me off!
[ Gasps for air ]
[ Gasping ]
Lance: Come on, we're never
gonna find the plates here!
It's too big. It's too dark.
It's too wet!
Excuse me.
When you guys are finished
with your bitchin',
we're gonna search
every square inch
of this big, dark,
cold, wet place
until we find what 12
this key opens!
I'm going that way.
You guys go that way.
Everybody's had
their chance to kill US.
Now what?
I gotta make some calls...
State department,
local authorities...
Tell them what's been going on.
It's not our problem anymore.
Ha ha! We can go home.
[ Sighs in relief ]
I don't wanna go home.
What?
It may sound
kind of silly, but...
Back there
at the library, I kinda...
I thought I was
your hero, but I wasn't.
I need redemption.
Sean!
No, I... if your work
is important to you,
then it's important to me, too.
I wanna do this.
What are you talking about?
Do what?
Something that's good and right,
and not too damn selfish.
Hell, we're in the neighborhood.
Why not finish the job?
Let's get to those plates
before everybody else does!
Sean, those people
are dangerous!
They tried to kill US!
Sure, but, hey, I gotta
punch somebody right now!
Oh, I'm feeling
too good about you.
Sean...
Listen to me, you can't...
Okay, señor.
[ Laughing and voices ]
Sack: You incredible dog!
Dance! Dance!
Lance, look at this one.
This is funny. Wait, here goes.
This you're gonna love.
[ Mimicking marlis ]:
Where's my car?
Boy, my neck hurts.
[ Laughing ]
You're a fat, brainless putz.
My Mercedes! My new Mercedes!
You remind me of my newly
d-dearly departed wife.
Ah, ah, I'm gonna...
Uh-oh...
Get off your fat ass and find
out what this thing fits.
[ Children's choir singing ]
♪ Aleluya ♪
♪ aleluya ♪
♪ aleluya ♪
[ Organ music]
[ Children singing ]
[ Bench creaks ]
[ Body thuds ]
[ Woman screams ]
What now?
We spread out.
Look for anything
with a 12 on it.
[ Children continue singing ]
Oh, good morning, monk.
Whoa, baby!
Hey!
That's my retinas, you moron!
Careful.
[ More softly ] Careful.
That was fun.
There's certain educational
advantages to growing up in new
York.
[ Chuckling ]
Oh, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. This is it.
This is it? This is it.
This is it.
Where's the valise?
Get the valise.
Yeah... yeah.
Close it. Okay.
[ Gun cocks ]
Stop right there, gentlemen!
Give it to me.
Excuse me, miss,
but is this thing loaded?
It's a walther ppk.
It'll blow your head off.
In that case, you're pointing
it at the wrong guy,
'cause it belongs to him.
Hand it over, slim.
Come on!
I thought you killed them!
I thought wekilled them.
Here! Here!
Here! Here!
Here! Here!
Here!
Chris: Here!
Here.
[ Whistling ]
I'll take that!
Thank you.
Give it up. You aren't
going anywhere.
Yeah, we are... with her.
Sean...
Come on!
Chris: Sean...
Get away from me!
Get away! Get away!
[ Bystanders shouting ]
Pitt: So long!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Donde vas?!
Hurry!
Stop! Stop! Wait!
Wait!
Wait!
Wait!
Hey, what's goin' on?
You're not our driver!
[ Slams on brakes,
woman thrown to the rear ]
Do you really think you're
gonna get away with this?
Ha ha! I'm always the optimist.
We're running
a little late, folks,
so if everybody'd just
sit down and relax.
You'll notice below US
the beautiful seacoast
of pedraza.
[ Tires squealing ]
[ Passengers yelling ]
Sorry.
Would you slow down?
Would you shut up?
[ Passengers screaming ]
Hey!
Hey!
Step on it, slick!
I can walk faster
than this thing's movin'!
Go ahead!
Marlis: Whoa!
[ Ringing bell ]
Just drop US off anywhere.
[ Tires squealing ]
I surrender! I quit!
I surrender! Take me!
I've placed myself
in my own custody!
Oh, get outta here!
A government salary,
exquisite taste...
What did you expect?
I was ripe for temptation.
Come on!
Come on, move it!
You, move! Move it!
Well, we're on our way!
Oh, good!
Aah!
Sean?
Oh! Oh!
Hartman: Thanks again
for clearing up
this whole Mrs. Kent business.
I hope it didn't spoil
your honeymoon too much.
No! It was just like
the brochure said,
boating... swimming...
Nature hikes, deep-sea diving.
The only part they left out
was the shooting and killing.
We hate to lose you.
Sure you won't reconsider
that resignation?
Positive. Positive.
Such a pity, such a fine career.
Oh, well, thanks again!
W-Wait!
W-W...! That's it?
"Thanks again" is it?
That's it.
Let's go.
Look, pal, I haven't...
No, no!
Here! For you!
Honey, could you ask them
to bring down the hotel room,
because i'm... I'm just
too tired to move.
I just had a thought.
What?
If Mrs. Kent
did all this on her own,
and the state department
knew nothing about this,
who the hell is gonna
pay for our room?
Oh...
You're the McDonalds, right?
Right.
Oh, thank goodness!
I've been lugging this thing
around, looking for you.
I wouldn't leave it
with the hotel... huh!
They haven't found
my luggage yet.
Oh...
Holey moley!
Hey! Come back here!
Come back here!
Wait a minute!
Slow down!