Honesty Weekend (2020) - full transcript

- I love you.
- Oh, you know what?

I'm feeling kinda wild.

Let's stop here, let's stop.

- Come on.
- Seriously?

Start unzipping
your pants, I'm serious.

- Oh my god.
- Wait,

I never realized this
was somebody's driveway.

- Where are we?
- Hurry up!

What if somebody's here?

They're gonna call the cops.

Oh my god.



That's all right, 'cause I'm
bad girl.

Oh, you are bad, aren't
you?

I'm just, we've never
done this before, have we?

No, not in the van.

I am gonna eat you like a
hoagie.

- If you would just position...
- Honey, I gotta tell you something.

- What? What?
- Honey I gotta say.

What?

Eat my hog you woman.

- Okay.
- Come on, oh God.

You knew this whole time?

Honey, I think
we're gonna be late.

No, no, we're fine.

Well, if we didn't have
to go back to the car



to get the camera and the
tripod,

we would have been perfectly on
time.

- Say hello Dr. Digman.
- Hello.

Okay, we're doing it.

Oh, that is John's grumpy
therapy face.

I'm really sorry for her.

- I apologize.
- We're doing this.

Okay, let's do this, okay.

Honey, honey, honey,

could you maybe be a little less
weird

about getting into it?

I mean, the camera's kind
of making it awkward.

Oh, I bet Delaney would do it,
right?

We're gonna bring that up
again.

Or maybe you want me to do
it like the women in your porn.

Let me just unzip your pants

and making my boobs pop out.

Ada, I swear to God, if
this becomes 50 minutes

of you beating me up about
porn again, 50 minutes of that,

I'm gonna stop trying to do
this deeply uncomfortable thing

that you insist on fucking video
taping.

Well, you agreed to do it,
so don't make it my agenda.

I...

Okay, John, why are you here?

Don't you dare say because I
made you.

I'm asking John.

Because we weren't doing so
great

and we're trying to make it
better.

And what is not doing so great
mean?

It's hard, more than it's not
hard.

Why do you think that is?

'Cause we're pretty much
not honest with each other

most of the time.

Wow, that's huge.

Do you really think that?

No, no, you know, I don't know
why.

Oh my God, she's getting so
big.

Yeah, she looks exactly like

that dude that's your neighbor.

Ah, haha, very funny.

- I don't get it.
- Nice, thanks.

I don't know.

What do you mean?

John and I are doing
this thing this weekend

where we're gonna be 100% honest

with each other about
everything.

- What?
- Doctor's orders.

What, are you serious?

Oh god, you know what, honey,
can you just kill me now?

I'll pull over and you choke me
out.

You started it so.

I don't lie.

I don't lie, if anything I'm too
honest

- in this relationship.
- Oh yeah, okay.

Yeah, you know what?

You hate the Jeep.

You said it was okay to buy the
Jeep.

You pretend to love the Jeep
but deep down you, you hate it.

- I hate the Jeep.
- Why do you hate the Jeep?

I love the Jeep.

Because it's a a gas guzzler

and it's this like vain
attempt for you to seem cool.

And you're cool, you're
cool, you don't need it.

Oh, I'm cool, that's so
mature.

- Instead of just-
- John, John!

What's the last big lie you told
Ada?

That I wanted to come to
therapy.

Whoa, welcome to the shit
show.

Hey, I heard that.

All right, oh, that was
a long trip, wasn't it?

Yep, we would've been
here eight minutes ago.

That's exactly what it says,
if you'd listened to me,

we would have been here eight
minutes ago.

Literally we could save
eight minutes if you just go-

- Shut up.
- Shut up, Harry.

- Stop talking.
- Shut your mouth.

Jesus, this is your
mom's weekend house dude?

- Nobody listens to me ever.
- Oh yeah.

I might've
smoked a little too much.

- Nate!
- Back to nature, my friends.

Hey, back to the guest
bathroom, you fucking animal.

That's my mother's asparagus
fern come on.

Oh shit, ah, I got my
hand.

- Gonna need a wipe.
- Got it?

- Got it.
- You guys got it?

- You take that.
- Thanks buddy.

Hey babe, you got that?

- Okay.
- Babe!

- Got that?
- I got it, it's fine.

I'll just carry the heaviest
thing.

I've only been driving.

I gotta tell ya, your mom
must've pulled so much ass here.

Oh god.

I might've been conceived
here.

What are you guys talking
about?

I'm on a call, Luna, okay.

- Come say hi.
- Hi, Luna.

- Say hi to Stella.
- Hi Luna.

- Hi!
- she's gorgeous.

- We're having a moment.
- It's okay.

Oh!

Okay, love you.

- Bye.
- Say bye.

- Bye.
- Bye, love yah.

Yeah right, okay, perfect.

John hates me.

- No, girl, no.
- He does.

We lie to each other all the
time.

You know about stupid little
things.

Like this morning she asked me

if I wanted blueberries in my
oatmeal.

No, I don't want the fucking
blueberries.

There's sour little
disappointments in my warm,

happy sweet oatmeal.

And I am on my reserve tank
of nice guy because I spent

a chunk of my night up holding
Luna's little sweaty face

as she projectile vomited into
the toilet.

- I was up the same as you.
- I know, I know.

I love you, I just can't, I
swear.

Go away mom.

Said you were gonna cut back

and I found three Amazon boxes
cut up like

into little pieces at the
bottom of our recycling bin,

like a serial killer leaving a
body.

You want to know the truth?

I put most of the Amazon
boxes in the neighbor's trash.

Oh, that's really, that's
mature.

Are you hearing, oh my
god, are you hearing this?

John, Ada a big part of your
marriage

is speaking up clearly in this
room today

on the subject of lying.

Habitual lying, even if
it's withholding truth

to save feelings erodes trust.

I'd like you two to try
being honest with each other.

If you don't want blueberries,
say it.

If you wanna order a
yoga mat online, say it.

But say it kindly.

A weekend is a great reset.

Try going two days with no lies.

This weekend, we have
plans this weekend,

can we do it next weekend?

Yeah or never.

I'm worried about us.

Yeah, I'm worried about us
too.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no-

- What?
- No, no.

- What?
- You can't, no.

I've been dragging you
to therapy for six months

and you haven't said a word

and then this afternoon

you decide you're gonna say
something

and then now we're all
do this whole honesty,

stupid truth thing and it's
like you know what, hello,

I've been saying that we have
a problem for a long time

and now that you the man
decide that there is a problem,

then there is one?

No, no, no, I'm not gonna
let you take this over.

I'm not taking it over.

We're on the same page finally.

I'd think you'd be happy about
that.

- I'm not.
- Clearly.

I just wanted this whole
therapy thing

to be about you discovering
how much you appreciate me.

Oh, okay, it sounds
like you wanted therapy

to be him telling me
that I was the problem.

Well, guess what Ada, I'm not
the problem.

We are the problem not me

and you can't stand that, can
you?

You are a workaholic who
is only half in this marriage

and that is the problem John.

Oh, okay, that's the problem?

Well, how about this?

You are a perpetually
unsatisfied

documentary filmmaker/whatever
the fuck

who I can never seem to satisfy.

That is not kind, John.

And we're supposed to do this
with kindness god dammit.

Oh okay, play back the tape.

Guys, do you know where
the paring knife is?

It's in the knife block
and if it's not there,

it's in the drawer next to
the dishwasher probably.

Okay.

Oh Jesus.

Oh, I'm fucking tired.

- Okay, my turn?
- Yes.

Okay, this is
embarrassing,

but when I first met you guys,

it was at that sushi place

Ah, yeah, yeah.

I felt like I knew you my
whole life.

And I went home that night and
cried

because you were all so nice to
me.

Oh, you were so drunk that
night.

Yeah.

Oh, you wanna throw up, don't
you Nate?

Okay, my turn, my turn.

What am I gonna say to you guys

that's not gonna embarrass
me when I'm sober?

All right, okay, I got it.

John, you totally
intimidated me in college.

- What?
- What?

- What?
- Seriously.

You were like way too cool for
school.

So distant like kind of
mysterious,

like yeah, I'm John, I'm cool.

No, John was cool?

John wasn't cool, is John cool?

- No.
- No?

No.

What the fuck does that mean?

No, I mean, you had like
swagger,

but you were an engineering
nerd.

Oh, he had that nerd swagger
though.

- Yeah.
- What's up?

Oh, okay, nerd swagger.

All right, fuck you, okay?

Here's my turn, here's an
honesty thing.

Nate here is addicted
to chaotic crazy girls

who repeatedly fucked up his
life

because he's horribly insecure,

which he covers with
this veneer of coolness.

Hey, that's not very nice
John.

This is a nice game.

Yeah John, where the
fuck did that come from?

I mean, but you know the girls
you date

are a little, you know...

- Hey, last night.
- Oh fuck.

Hot!

No, like borderline
personality disorder.

No, no, no, no, stop.

- They are.
- Stop it, guys.

This is not gonna turn into
a let's fix Nate weekend.

Okay, guys, fuck you all.

And fuck you especially John,
Ada.

Don't drag me into your
stupid honesty bullshit.

I'm straight as Watergate over
here, guys.

I'm doing my life my way, all
right?

- Respect.
- Respect.

I mean, I think
what everyone's trying to say

is that we love you and we
just want to see you happy.

And if you would date a girl
that wasn't an ex model,

but was still attractive
and had a good head

on her shoulder...

Her friend the, what's her
name?

- Rachel, she lives by you.
- No, no, no, no, no.

It's perfect.

We like Rachel.

You might have a real
relationship one day.

Stop, please.

- Please stop.
- No, no, no, no.

Nate, listen, you know what
happens

when you date a real girl like
Rachel?

She says things like
"tell me about you".

I'll bet you never heard that
before.

Yeah, 'cause the chaos
girls that you date

are like I want to be in a
relationship but like not right,

I'm trying to make a statement,
but I don't know what it is.

Oh, I just, I'm not sure.

- That's good.
- Okay, okay, guys.

Stop ganging up on Nate, okay?

- Stop.
- Thank you, Harry.

Whose got your back?

Real girls make you dinner.

Chaos girls make you crazy.

Real girls have jobs.

Real girls have cozy
apartments.

Oh, oh, here we go.

Real girls have credit scores.

Yeah and chaos girl somehow
ended up

with your credit card in their
wallet.

- What?
- No!

- How did it get in there?
- Dude!

What, that actually happened.

That happened with Ms. Brazil.

Real girls want kids.

Chaos girls are kids.

And you guys are assholes,
okay?

I get it, stop please, I get it,
done.

You're ruining my buzz right
now.

Listen, one date,
Rachel really likes you.

- One date.
- And she's super cool.

I heard she's good in
bed, so, boo-yah, right?

Boo-yah, who says boo-yah
anymore?

I'm bringing it back.

Not worthy of bringing
it back.

Babe, it's not worthy bringing
it back.

Boo-yah, right, you say that's
still?

No, they don't.

- Right Harry?
- Nope.

All right, my turn.

Put me in coach.

- Here we go.
- Watch out.

Well, I like to start off by
saying

- a hardy fuck you, Harry.
- What?

Because I got your back
lasted about 15 seconds, bro.

And you love hearing about my
shit.

Seriously, what would you do

if I did date dear boring
kill me now, Rachel Stumpful.

How would you get through your
days?

I mean your career, your lovely
wife, your internet porn.

- Okay.
- Weekend trips to Bed

Bath and Beyond do not
exactly fulfill a man,

no do they, Harry?

But hey no, at least you're
open about your envy.

John you're a giant pussy

because you didn't reveal a
single thing about yourself.

- Boo-yah.
- No, it's true.

You pivoted and started
pointing out my bullshit.

- Am I right?
- Imagine that.

Let's see here.

Stella, sweet, sweet Stella.

You are so sweet and far
too nice to be hanging out

with this group of creatures.

But you better check your tone
girl or I'm gonna cut you.

- Oh, oh.
- Cut me?

Ada you forced those
nature in yoga pants.

You can bitch to me all
my women all you want,

but the truth is it's all your
fault.

Yeah, you're my dream girl,
but John scooped you up,

so my life is ruined.

What, wait a second.

- What, seriously?
- I'm fucking with you guys.

Come on, someone raise on the CW
cliches.

And the truth is that while
I love and adore you all,

I am a different cat, I
am a wild animal compared

to you dried up crusty
married fuckers, all right?

I do not enjoy the million
choking layers

of married bullshit that
I see you guys wading

through every second of every
single day.

And what I do enjoy are my bat
shit, crazy hot bitches.

That's disgusting.

Okay, speaking of which
I have some serious

- Hey, hey, hey, come on.
- sexting to do.

- Right now.
- We're hanging out.

- I have to...
- Wait, wait, wait.

I'll bid you a night.

Don't do that.

No, no, I'm not gonna look at
that.

- No!
- Boo-yah, there it is.

Okay, bye, ah, these stairs,
ah.

Did I see his ball on it?

- Yes.
- Seriously though,

he is the coolest one of all of
us, right?

Maybe we just want him to settle
down,

so we all feel better, right?

- No.
- Hey guys.

Oh, no, he's gonna
bring back the dick now.

Guys, no, no, clothes off I'm
back in.

So, another story, all right?

One time we're in new Orleans,
right?

And we're walking down an
alleyway.

All of a sudden we heard this
woman

and she kinda comes
out of the darkness

like, "Bet you a $100
you won't shit on my face?"

I'm tired of being mad at you.

You want some of this.

- Oh wow.
- Yeah, be honest.

I mean, yeah.

I mean, I'm a little drunk, so
it might be a lot of effort.

But I mean, if you're
into it, I could get-

- No, I'm burned.
- Okay.

I thought laid off, but
it seems like Nate is having

some form of sex 24/7 I just
don't want you to feel like

the old married dude.

Oh, so fuck in question
would have been

a sort of preemptive duty fuck.

Well, you could have a rain
fuck.

It's weird being married
sometimes.

I know it's exhausting.

Hey, since we're not
gonna actually have sex,

can I tell you an honesty thing
about sex?

Ooh, tell me your
deepest darkest secret.

So you know how we'll
be in the middle of it

and you'll ask me if I want you

to put a finger in my
ass and I don't respond,

so you just kind of like poke
around

to see if I'm interested, I hate
that.

It's the worst.

However decisive finger action
game on.

All right, good night.

Okay, this whole honesty
thing is not gonna turn into

you telling me a bunch of
stuff you hate about me,

but never told me before, right?

- No.
- Okay, just checking.

I mean sometimes I kinda
wish you were more fun

and adventurous like you used to
be.

You know what I mean?

Remember that time you dressed
up like a dirty sorority girl

in a Toga and you gave
me that bad hand job?

Yeah, that was like a
kid in two mortgages ago.

I know but I still think about
it.

Yeah, you know what I think
about?

Healthy snacks, play dates.

Do you wish we didn't
have her, is that it?

No, Mr. Black and white
that's not what I'm saying.

It's a little bit more
complicated

than just I'm not as fun and
adventurous as I used to be.

All right, all right.

I'm struggling, we're
struggling.

I don't know if we're
gonna make it out of this

and that scares the shit out of
me.

- Hey.
- Hey.

You got a minute?

Yeah, yeah, but
only just.

God, you're beautiful.

I miss the hell out of you.

I miss you so much too.

So, guess what, I'm doing it.

Doing what?

Clearing the decks,
getting rid of all the girls.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

Yeah, you said that
it really bothered you

and I only wanna be with you,
okay?

Hey, but a deal's a deal, all
right?

It's your turn next?

I am so excited.

I can jump up and down as
soon I hang up right now,

but I can't but I'm so excited.

Good, good same here.

Babe I have to go, I love you.

- Morning mama.
- Hey.

No blueberries for John
please turns out he hates them.

But they're so good for him.

Girl, don't even get me
started.

They have antioxidants
in them and everything.

Mm-hmm, oh, Stella,

are you sure you don't
wanna open a restaurant?

'Cause this, oh.

Awe, I'd love to open a place.

Really, you've never told me
that.

Yeah, but then I'd be
married to a restaurant

instead of Harry and I choose
Harry.

Yes you do.

Okay, we're eating,
thank you.

Okay, we got it.

Yep, we're eating, thank you.

I love it.

- What was that look?
- What look?

You just gave me a look when
Stella was being all smoochy

with Harry, what was that?

Ada you're being pushy and
paranoid.

No, no, we're supposed
to communicate 'cause,

so can you just tell me?

All right, I wish you
were more like that with me.

Oh, oh my God.

No, not all the time,
it would be disgusting,

just sometimes me.

You hate me, you want me to
be like this adoring little-

- No, Ada no, all right?

You don't get to just
badger me into telling you

what I'm thinking and then
spin it into something.

It's not just 'cause you
don't like the answer, no.

- Hi Luna.
- Luna, hey.

Look at you.

- Luna.
- She is so cute.

Hey, Luna what's your favorite
animal?

No, she's not talking to us.

- Luna.
- Hey.

Is it a lion?

Yes.

- Say bye.
- Goodbye.

Bye.

- Bye.
- See yah.

- Oh, I want one.
- What babe?

Nate dude why are we
not getting fucked now?

It's noon bruh, we're slacking
bruh.

We're slacking Harry.

- Let's go hit a-
- Hit some blunt.

Follow me bruh.

Come on, man.

Anty up. Anty up.

Oh, way too much.

What if I had an Aunt, her
name was up?

Oh Jesus.

She'd be aunty up, anty up.

Oh, Aunty up!

I told him not to take that
last hit.

You can't handle the good shit,
admit it.

Hey, I can't even work
my hands, look at this.

I can't do it.

I have to do this thing.

That's how they do it in Vegas
bro.

Is that how they do it in
Vegas?

- You know what I know?
- What?

We're gonna die here this
weekend.

No.

This is where it ends.

You wanna go for a hike?

That's how it starts.

It ends in the wilderness.

Come on, girl.

- Wait, help me up.
- We're doing great.

Help me up.

Are you sure you wanna hike?

We can't get up.

One, two, whoa.

We ain't gonna no hike.

Lately, I've been drawn to
more personal lyrical work,

you know, kinda like a video
artist.

I've been shooting our therapy
sessions

and I think I can make an art
piece out of John's faces.

Can I tell you something else,
I've never told you before?

- You're gay.
- AI robot.

Ugly AI robot.

Guys seriously, I hate poker.

Shut up, no, you don't you
love poker.

I hate poker.

- Blasphemy.
- Anty up!

No, I can't even throw.

That's how you deal?

It's like I'm throwing scorn
at you.

You guys aren't being honest
about poker

- though I really hate it.
- Well, fuck that.

You have infected us with an
unholy virus.

And I know what people say
about only children and yes,

Luna is self-centered but so
what,

you know who isn't, right?

I'm good, I'm good with one kid.

I want three beautiful,
messy little monsters

and the ugly house in the Valley

because that's all we can
afford.

Yes.

I want a minivan with spilled
juice in the cup holder.

- No, you don't, girl.
- I do.

No.

I wanna see Harry and
a little toddler's face.

You guys, I don't really
know where I am like, is just,

I wanted to tell you about
the poker thing for so long.

I think I'm having like a
cleansing trauma or something.

Oh my God, oh my God.

I think I need like a glass
of water or something.

Or just like an epi-pen.

or just like an exorcist, I
don't know.

- This is on you.
- What?

No look, life isn't static, man.

You know people evolve,
but Harry he's evolving.

I don't want to evolve.

Guys I wanna play poker and
smoke cigars and be assholes.

Tell that stupid husband
of yours to put a baby in you.

You know, he says he's still
not ready.

Just stop taking the pill,
stop.

Luna was an accident, accidents
happen.

Don't say that to anybody ever.

I stopped taking the pill a
year ago.

We had a big fight about it.

Now he wears condoms.

He really doesn't want a baby,
does he?

You all right, buddy?

Oh, what do you guys text
fighting now?

Oh, it's not Ada, it's my friend
Delaney.

She's in town and wants to come
over.

Is she hot?

You've never seen Delaney?

She a wicked hot.

She's a lesbian though.

Well, then let's invite
the hot lesbian over

so she can save us from
ourselves.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no.

Ada has issues with her.

Okay, well, I have issues with
you guys.

Why?

She'll be here later, I told
her to bring a swimsuit.

- Oh.
- You did?

- Uh-huh.
- Oh no.

You just fucked up my whole
weekend.

Oh, you got a few
hours to break it to Ada.

- Fuck.
- Go honesty.

Oh dude, you're so bad.

Oh, but it's gonna be so much
fun.

Hey, you make
this van look really sexy.

Do you think
we've got enough beer?

- I love you.
- Awe!

You pretty.

I like it when you're
high.

You know what, I'm feeling kinda
wild.

Let's stop here, let's stop.

- Come on.
- Seriously.

Start zipping
your pants, I'm serious.

Oh my God.

Wait, I never realized
this was somebody's driveway.

- Where are we?
- Hurry up!

What if somebody us here?

They're gonna call the cops.

Oh my God.

That's all right 'cause I'm a
bad girl.

Oh, you are bad, aren't you?

I'm just, we've never
done this before, have we?

No, not in the van.

I'm gonna eat you like a
hoagie.

If you would just position
yourself.

But listen, baby I have to
tell you something seriously.

- What?
- Honey, I gotta say.

What?

Eat my hog you woman.

- Okay.
- Come on, oh my God.

You knew this whole time?

Look, I didn't text her,
Nate texted her back, okay?

We are in a bad place
and you invited her?

I didn't invite her, Nate
invited her, but you know what?

I'm glad because she
has been my best friend

for a very long time and I wanna
see her.

How's that for honesty?

You want honesty, John?

I don't think you can be in this
marriage

without Delaney off in the
distance.

Your fantasy girl while
I'm schlepping Go-GURT

and pee pee leggings to
keep our life together,

you're Skyping with her, why
do you even Skype with her?

Why don't you talk on the
phone like a normal person?

I know why because she's fucking
gorgeous.

No, no, no, no.

Delaney has been my best friend
since I was 10 years old.

You are my wife, my life is with
you.

You ruined this.

So, is that it, that was it?

Well, get in.

Hey, hey you guys.

- Hey Delaney.
- Johnny.

- Oh, bring it in.
- Johnny, oh, Johnny.

- Come here you.
- Oh, tricked ya!

That's fine, it's okay, it's
okay.

Oh, this is...

You know, Stella, Ada my wife,
Harry.

- Hey you.
- Hey Harry.

And this here is Nate.

- Oh, hey.
- Hey.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

You guys thank you so much

for letting me crash your
special weekend,

you know, I came to LA
thinking I wanted to be alone

and turns out I need to be
around people and Johnny you.

You're my most
special people.

Ah, come on.

Can I make you an old
fashioned?

- I'm cool.
- Bitter little sweet,

just like Ada.

Ah, we're having steaks later.

Oh, no thanks, I'm
actually gonna juice, cleanse

and I'm letting it all
go, flushing it all out.

Actually that reminds me John

the bathroom upstairs
needs some toilet paper.

Okay, cool.

You know what I'd love to do?

I would love, I'd love to
just go and take a dip.

- I am just sweating-
- Okay, alright.

I have been up since 5:00 AM
New York time, I'm exhausted.

Bananas.

Do you wanna come with me?

- Me?
- Mm-hmm.

No, God, no.

I think I probably
should stay here, honey.

Anyone?

Well, I'm still alive.

Yeah, okay.

Okay, well, you know where to
find us.

Good to see you.

Did you wanna go honey?

- We don't wanna swim, right?
- No.

Well, it's night, you know it's.

It's so good to see her
though.

Yeah, she's a free spirit.

She's got a good soul.

She looks free.

God, I wanna have my
way with that steak.

Well, by all means I'll
step out, no judgment.

Oh, you're fun.

Can I just smell it please.

So bad for the environment
and so bad for us,

- but it was delicious.
- Mm-hmm.

Delaney might actually
be the prettiest girl I've

ever been that close to in
person.

Wow, you're so pretty.

Well, thank you that's very
helpful.

- Thank you.
- Well, I just wanted to know

Yeah, well, I don't know
why you came for this.

Well, you know, I'm your
friend.

- Yeah, really?
- There's that?

Oh, Ultra Meger.

What?

No, no, no, that's Pluto, sorry.

I don't think I've
ever said this out loud,

but my husband is in love

with his lesbian best friend,
isn't he?

Well, when you say it out
loud,

it sounds like a lifetime movie.

Based on a true story.

They don't end well.

Girl!

You know 'cause the wife
always dies.

You know, I can't believe she
dumped me

while I was working at her
restaurant.

She broke up with me and
fired me at the same time.

- God, it's awful.
- Yeah.

I'm sorry, it's terrible.

Hey, you want me to go to
New York and beat her up?

I will, I'll take her.

Look, I've been working out
a little bit doing some yoga.

I'm pretty sure I could
take a lesbian chef.

I can tell you've been working
out.

Just saying.

Have you seen her?

Oh, no, oh my God.

Yeah, she's a samurai.

She would just cut me
right down the middle.

Pop, oh my god.

Straight up ninja style.

Kick my ass.

Yeah, you don't wanna mess
with her.

You know I came in
California to sit on the beach

and just think why I keep
falling in love

with people who are unavailable

and what lesson I'm supposed
to be learning in all this,

you know, I have to make a
change.

Now, maybe I'm just supposed
to start dating men.

What, that's crazy.
No way.

You think I should?

Well, it's a lot of things to
consider.

I think I needed a drink.

- I'd like one too.
- Okay.

- No.
- Come on.

- Got you.
- You dick.

- I got you.
- Dude stop.

- No, look.
- Fuck you.

Stop.

Get off me.

Aa aah, awe, awe, awe!

You okay?

- Am I bleeding?
- Yeah.

- Awe!
- Oh, yeah.

You fucker.

You should get that looked at.

You know what's wrong with our
marriage?

Oh, look there's Neptune.

John says it's because
we lie about little things

but it's really one big thing,
he wants to be with her.

Look mama, as an objective
outsider,

John loves you and Luna

and you have a wonderful life
together.

If he has a lingering junior
high crush

on his hot lessie BFF, who gives
a shit?

I give a shit.

Don't give a shit.

I give a shit.

There's no shit and don't give
a shit.

Harry thinks Delaney is hot
too.

Nah, nah, nah, that's your
shit don't come in my shit.

- Bombshells.
- Bombshells.

Bombshells.

What's wrong with me?

I guess it's kinda funny.

Well, it's a fucking
laugh riot.

Me dating guys can you
imagine?

Well, I can imagine.

Oh, cheers.

- To new adventures.
- Oh, namaste.

Oh, so wait, you're
actually gonna date men?

I mean, I thought you didn't
work with, you know, the penis.

- I don't.
- Hmm, uh-huh.

You know I love women, I do.

But just they're so much work.

Yeah, that's sad, it's true.

Yeah.

I haven't been with
a guy since Mr. Valani

and Carlos in high school.

Carlos the theater geek,
Carlos?

Maybe I was trying to convince
myself.

It was fun while it lasted.

Well, good for Carlos.

Do you ever get tired
of me bitching about John?

Oh, let's see, yes.

I mean, my husband won't put a
baby in me,

so on a scale of zero to
divorce-

- Divorce what, don't
even talk about that.

- I think about it.
- Really?

No, you don't, not like really,
really.

Like I love Harry with all my
heart.

Yeah.

I think it's, you know,

I was never sure I would ever
get married,

but I've always been sure
that I want to be a mother.

I mean, my uterus is literally
yelling,

"Put a baby in me!"

Is it really?

Well, girl, that's why

I mean, that's aggressive.

And if he truly doesn't want
kids,

do I leave him

or stay and resent him

the rest of my life?

Jesus Stella.

Okay wait, wait, wait.

No, no, no, tell her, say,

"Your ass is like a work of
art."

Like a Picasso.

- Arg!
- But dude, ass all caps.

No, no dude, she doesn't
need nerdy wordplay.

Why?

She needs grade eight spank
talk.

I'm gonna explain.

Every sext is like a haiku,
okay?

Every single letter and space
matters.

Show me "Teasing you to the
edge

"as you drop on my cock."

Oh, fuck that's awesome.

So econmoical, so powerful.

Uh-huh and she just arrived.

Whoa, wow, dude.

- Who is that girl?
- History.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no.

She was great.

- Holy shit.
- What?

Get that nerdy married
man hard on outta here.

I'm gonna fuck her
in the nose, you can't,

that's how you kill a shark.

Stop, stop, leave me alone.

Leave me alone.

God.

Mm-hmm, yummy, yummy, yummy.

- Hey.
- Hey.

You want some ice cream?

Can't, not part of my juice
cleanse,

but if you take a really big
bite,

I can live vicariously
through you.

Oh, you can't have any of
this?

- No, not even a little...
- Not even the smell or a bite.

- dip.
- So, good though.

I'm dying.

- Awe!
- I'm dying.

- I'm dying.
- Awe!

You're so mean.

Oh, fuck, fuck fuck,
I gotta a brain freeze.

Awe, serves you right?

Oh, fuck.

Hey, just coming to get some
hangers,

Stella wants to make s'mores.

Oh, I'm just doing a quick
load?

Okay.

It's not what everyone does
comes to dinner and laundry.

- Nope.
- Just weird old me.

Okay.

I got dumped last night.

Cold and out of the fucking
blue,

so I just threw all my stuff in
a suitcase

and got on a plane

and didn't necessarily
pack all clean clothes.

I need a clean chonies so, not
to do it.

- Understood.
- Hey, John told me about

the whole honesty thing you guys
are doing

and I think it's really cool.

He told you?

Yeah, he's really excited
about it.

Really?

- What does it feel like?
- Dangerous?

Why?

Because I'm starting to see
things that he doesn't like

or want to hear and so is he.

And so you're his
wife you get to say shit

that he doesn't wanna hear.

Let it all out, just let it out
and say it.

I am incredibly intimidated by
you

and I don't want to be, but
the way that John looks at you,

it just makes me,

that's like the sort of thing

that you don't wanna say, you
know?

Oh my God, he has been my
best friend since fifth grade

and I love John but not like
that.

- Yeah.
- He gets me, he knows.

No, no, I think you think he
gets it,

but he doesn't get it all the
way so.

He's stupid because
I think you're beautiful

and he would be way
smarter to worry about me.

Hitting on you.

What, no. What?

I just don't think-

- I think you're beautiful.
- Stop.

I mean, I'm getting
fuzzy standing around you.

Oh, come on, girl come on.

Do your laundry. Goodbye.

I don't mind that

if you wanna do it again ill be
down here.

♪ Everything I do, yeah,
you know I do it major ♪

♪ I do it for the love and
I do it for my haters ♪

♪ Touch down in your town like a
radar ♪

♪ Turn up then I'm gone see you
later ♪

♪ Everything I do yeah
you know I do it major ♪

Do Harry, do Harry, do Harry
dancing.

- No.
- Do harry dancing.

No, no, no, no.

- Okay.
- What?

Where's the beat, beat
located.

No, I lost the beat, but
I'm a commit with intensity.

That's actually not how I
dance.

- Are you kidding me.
- It's like a hologram Harry.

It's so true.

I'm really a good dancer
clearly.

- No.
- Okay, I got one.

This is great, okay.

What are you guys doing?

This is a song that we wrote
in college

about something Harry did.

You're not doing the song,
you're not doing the song.

- Sorry.
- We have to, you ready?

Okay, I think I remember-

- Also it's not true.

♪ It's Friday night in
a small college town ♪

Oh my God.

♪ Harry had too beers
and then he fell down ♪

It was way more than that.

♪ We said he was a light weight ♪

♪ We said he was no man ♪

♪ But he got the last laugh when
he ♪

What'd youu do, say it?

Didn't do anything.

Oh fuck you come on fuck you.

He peed in
our trash can.

- Oh.
- Okay.

Ready he's the chorus.

♪ Harry peed in our trash can ♪

♪ He peed in our dorm room trash
can ♪

Fuck you and you.

♪ It got really stinky ♪

♪ When he took a drinky because ♪

Come on say it, say it, say
it.

- ♪ Harry ♪
- I'm not singing, no.

We could be here all night.

♪ This is your no ♪

It was you that did it.

I didn't even do it.

Harry just sing the song.

♪ I peed in our trash can ♪

But I actually didn't do it.
You were lying the whole time.

- Of course you did.
- Fuck you guys.

- Did that happen?
- 100%.

No, it didn't.

Based on true events.

- Fuck you guys.
- Holy shit!

We've got a sex tape here.

- Oh my God, stop it.
- Oh, no, oh my God.

- Give me my phone.
- What?

That is not for public
consumption.

I love her.

Is this like a thing you do?

Its not like a thing I do,
but it's a beautiful thing.

I've always wondered how this
works.

Okay, I got to see what this
is.

- It's nothing.
- That's tremendous.

That is tremendous.

No, I don't wanna let go.

- Oh my God.
- Harry you all right?

No, he's all right don't touch
him.

- Are you okay?
- You better give it to him some space.

- You wanna wash it down?
- All right, you all right.

Babe there's something in my
throat.

- Oh God.
- Guys I wanna say thank you

for having me here and I'm gonna
head out.

Thanks for letting me crash
for a little bit. I needed this.

I have to go.

No, please do not leave
me with these people.

Do you need me to get
you a ride or something?

I mean, you need a ride,
right?

You could say, yeah.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, come on, what?

- Everybody in the shot.
- Hoo-ray!!

John, Delaney, Nate.

- Don't tag me, don't tag me.
- I'm tagging you I got you.

Use a filter, make
me a skinny as Delaney.

You had a lot to drink girl.

How did this is all get out?

- You okay with that?
- I'm good.

- All right, good night.
- Good night.

I don't know what's up
with Ada wanting her to stay.

That's a major policy
reversal.

I don't know maybe, you
know, Ada is just being nice.

Did Nate see anything or
John did he say anything

because we have to do
something about this, you know?

You know, can we just stop
talking about them right now

because I have something
very serious I wanna talk

- to you about.
- Wait, what is it?

Okay, I want us

to make a sex tape.

You know, I really
wanna make a statement.

I don't know what it is, you
know?

No, not really.

But I think you do, I
can see it in your eyes.

For my kind of people,

wrestless.

Fire in here.

Heartburn?

No, it's not a freaking
heartburn.

I can get that shit checked
out.

Thanks for letting her stay.

Mm-hmm.

Still mad at me?

Mm-hmm.

- You like being mad at me?
- No.

I'm mad because you brought
her here without asking.

I'm mad because I see
what you like about her.

She's magnetic and
unpredictable and attractive

but that's not me.

And I'm the person that you
chose to share your life with,

so it makes me mad.

Babe, hey, can I try

and make you not mad at me?

You can try.

A little payback for today.

- Oh, okay.
- Yep.

What are you gonna, oh, okay.

It's so fucking hot, huh?

No, no, no, wait.

Okay, all right.

All right, oh, yeah.

I know you like that.

You like that?

You like that don't you?

Yeah, you do, you like that
girl,

fucking lone warrior.

Sweety, sweety, sweety.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, what?

Could maybe do less narrating?

Maybe could you just look at me

and let's see where it goes
babe.

Okay, but I just, all right.

You want a crazy wild
porn thing?

Well, yeah, kinda.

Babe, we're not porn stars.
We're us.

Yeah, I know, maybe just one
time,

I thought maybe it could be
not about us, you know?

Just this one's for posterity.

We're in two different movies
here.

Okay, wait, wait,
wait, stop talking, okay?

Let's do it your way.

Okay.

Oh, I love you so much Harry.

I feel like I'm gonna
explode.

Oh, shit.

Did you just go soft?

What?

Let me get a glass of water
real quick.

There's water right there.

I'm just gonna check on Nate,
you know.

Delaney is not gonna fuck
Nate.

Okay, I know.

Ada just don't be mad at me, all
right?

- Oh.
- Refill is over here.

Yeah, let's just top that off.

Why don't you have a
girlfriend?

Because I don't want one.

- You are lying.
- No.

I can tell, but yeah, it's
cool.

I fucking hate love.

- To that.
- To that.

- Hey guys.
- Hey.

Hey, dad.

- What?
- It's the pants man

and the slippers.

And the guy in the pants and
slippers.

Oh, sure.

I'm just, you know, relaxing.

You want a little nip
off the bottle?

I'm all right, I'm good.

- Open up.
- You sure?

No, I'm good, I'm just
gonna, go back to bed.

Alrighty.

Goodnight.

For my peel.

Okay, all right.

Don't stay up too late now.

This whole thing looks a
little...

- Does that look straight?
- Yeah.

- Goodnight.
- Okay, goodnight.

- Sleep well buddy.
- Okay.

Alrighty.

Did you, never-mind it's fine.

What the fuck is wrong with
him?

I don't know.

Here's to John.

John's late night clementine.

May he get some help.

Oh God, it was the dumbest
thing I've ever done.

So stupid, I'm sorry.

Can we just forget it ever
happened?

Just take it back, could we just
rewind?

Can't you just wanna be with
me

instead of something in your
head?

- Babe I do.
- Your cock doesn't lie.

Oh, Stelli belly come on.

I want kids Harry and
that's never going to change.

I mean, I try to be the most
coolest

understanding wife I can be

and I love the Holy crap out of
you,

but every time you put on that
condom,

you are driving me away.

I need to be alone, can I be
alone?

You need to go!

Harry, everything okay?

You got anyone special in
here?

Awesome, ass spin class 120-

- Hey, stop it, I said don't do
that.

- All right?
- Jesus, dude.

Hands off my phone.

So you don't ever give names?

- No.
- Ever?

Rarely.

I love this.

Hot.

You like it?

Yep, terrible.

Busted, so you do love someone
special.

Is she pretty?

You're being nosy right now.

- Do you have a picture?
- Stop it.

- Do you love her?
- You know when to back off?

Because now is the time.

Okay.

Ada?

Ada?

Welcome freshman, you
wanna be a frat boy?

Is this hazing?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah?

- You bet.
- Okay.

Wait, is this my mom's bed
sheet?

Shut up pledge.

Wow, oh, it's really in there,
Holy shit.

I'm taking a break from
relationships,

but I'm also a very sexual
being,

so what do I do with that?

Jerk of.

Yeah, but I'm all about the
energy exchange, you know?

Have you ever played with
energies before?

Well, it's hot, but it's also,

it's totally safe, come on.

Like you get as close as
possible.

You don't touch.

Not everyone can handle it, but
that's okay.

'Cause when I meet someone who's
vibrating

on the same wavelength

it's fucking fireworks, man.

And why would anyone wanna
live without fireworks?

You sure you're
a lesbian?

Certified.

Are you feeling it?

- Yeah.
- This ache is my drug.

Oh, you got game girl.

- I will give you that.
- What?

No, no, stay in
it. Stop talking.

You know, usually this
is one where I have run,

you know, right into the end
zone.

And trust me vagetarian or not,

things would get pretty damn
interesting.

But you see I know what
I'm doing, John doesn't.

So don't you dare go throwing
this at him, you hear me?

It's an official warning.

You're literally not making
any sense.

And you suck.

What's your problem.

Girls like you,

but I'm working on it.

Ah, yeah, it's,

okay, yup, small note.

Love the enthusiasm and
I love the Toga thing,

but maybe dial it back
20% on the aggression.

I mean, I don't know
whether to buy you flowers

or file a police report.

Small note, learn
when not to give notes.

Ah.

- Oh, hell no.
- What?

Awe, ouch, stop it.

What are you doing here?

Stella kicked me out.

So you sleep downstairs.

I can't sleep those stairs
downstairs,

Delaney is downstairs.

Stella will kill me.

Please, let me just stay here,
okay?

I'll be really quiet I promise.

You won't even know him here.

- Quite as a mouse.
- Yes.

You got it Nate 'cause, aw,
ouch.

Are you real?

You are not from around here,
are you?

- Hawaii, the Pali coast.
- Yes.

In a boat.

- No.
- Oh, okay.

Whale watching?

No, I don't wanna watch
whales.

What, they're beautiful.

They are but I don't wanna lok
at them.

Okay, wow, all right.

All right, this is a
little bit of a challenge.

I'm hungry, can you
make me some breakfast?

Me, you don't wanna see that.

- I do.
- It's gonna be a disaster.

You're gonna order me
something then.

I want pancakes, I want
blueberries, I want maple syrup.

Oh, no.

I love you.

Stella.

Oh, come here.

She left me through a text.

She shouldn't have done that.

No, no, no.

This isn't working.

I came here to support you.

She fucking lied to me.

She lied to me she said she
wanted to get a house and a dog.

She lied.

Awe, honey I know you're hurt.

- Look at me.
- Yeah.

- She doesn't deserve you.
- Okay.

- Okay?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh my God.

Ada, look who stopped by.

- Good morning.
- Well, hello you.

I am not crashing your party,
I promise.

It's just Delaney is
going through a little bit

of a rough patch and asked
me to come by for a bit.

That is so sweet of you.

Oh, do you guys have
everything you need?

Do you need more towels?

No, we're good, we're good.

Oh, and did John get
the barbecue to work?

He did.

- Ah, such a genius that boy.
- Yeah.

Oh, she looks just like
John in this picture.

Oh, Ada you have to send this to
me.

Okay, yeah, sure I'll send it
to you.

I didn't know you guys were so
close.

Oh, Naomi saved my life.

Oh, Delaney don't be so
dramatic.

No, seriously, my parents
were completely checked out.

And you were really there for
me.

Like a second mother?

No, like a confidant.

Awe, I got to hear all of her
troubles.

Mm-hmm. She's a real saint.

Oh, I'm not a saint.

Yes, you are.

- No, I'm not.
- Yes.

No, I'm not.

I bet, I bet.

Oh my gosh, she just
looks like John there too,

- doesn't she?
- Give me a second.

Acting like John.

She looks a little bit like
me, right?

Oh, yeah, but she kinda acts
like John.

Her smiling, I don't think-

- She's literally a
motherfucker.

I'm having like 17 kinds
of freuidian issues right now.

Do you know what it's
been like to be me?

To know that she's in
your head taking up space

and I'm here feeling in my gut

like there's something wrong
with her,

but trying to be better for
you 'cause she's not that bad.

She's okay, she's okay,
but she's not okay.

She's not okay, she's
a hot little monster.

She's so cute and
just like John.

Mm-hmm.

Wait, do you remember,
remember when we did your car?

Oh, I wanted to kill you boys.

So John and I and some
friends,

we all picked up her tiny little
Mercedes

and we set it down
sideways in the driveway.

- Ha ha.
- She was so mad.

- Yeah, I was mad.
- Sorry.

- Still mad.
- Mom!

- Oh.
- Oh shit,

hide the pot everybody.

Oh, no I found it.

She brought it!

What are you doing here?

I just wanted to come
by and check on Delaney.

Oh, how are you doing
today kiddo, you all right?

She just needs a little moral
support.

Who would like one?

- Ah.
- Come on.

Can you feed that to me?

Yeah, wasn't you on a cleanse?

You're the best, it
will be good for you.

I didn't do it.

Best croissant I've ever had.

Arg, what happened to
my beautiful fountain?

I need to get the gardener
back here.

You're getting older.

Yeah, I am.

I'm glad that you're here.

I'm getting married again.

- What?
- Yeah.

- John didn't say anything?
- Well, I haven't told John.

- His name is Dan.
- Mm-hmm.

He's a real estate developer.

He's divorced, he has two kids

and we've been dating about a
year.

Why are you doing this?

You don't need to do this,
Robert almost ruined your life.

I wanna be happy, actually
happy.

I deserve that.

I want, I want a real
relationship again.

And I want you to have that.

With someone I can
curl up with at night.

I want someone who will
discuss homeowner's insurance

who might surprise me
with the trip to Tuscany.

I want those things.

You can't keep your hands off
of me,

but you're leaving me?

No, I'll still be here for
you.

Oh, fuck you Naomi.

Have fun with your tired
old man in fucking Tuscany.

- Bye.
- Bye Mom, bye.

- Thank you.
- Bye Naomi.

It's good to see her.

- You claim bags or what?
- Let's get the bags.

- Oh.
- Nice.

Here we go, spicy.

- Oh, that was terrible.
- Easy there.

Ah, oh, hit the board at that
time.

- Watch this.
- You guys suck.

Yo, so what happened last
night?

How did a Stella kick your ass
out?

I don't really wanna talk
about it.

It's all right we respect
that.

Yeah, man, we totally respect
that.

Your privacy is important to us.

- Okay. It's just-
- No, don't talk about it.

You don't wanna talk about
it, don't talk about it.

I don't really wanna
get into it, you know?

Yeah, just, yeah.

Okay, let's just say that I'm
struggling

with some body image issues.

Well, dude, I mean, you
could always do more cardio.

I mean, you're never gonna
be shredded, but, you know.

No, not my body, her body.

- Okay, well.
- My body

When I first started
hanging out with Stella,

she was this big girl, I was
like,

yeah, I can't hang out with
her for awhile, you know,

get a drink, eat some pizza,

fuck around a little bit, right?

I mean, I didn't think
it was gonna go anywhere.

And then I fell for her.

Well, but this whole time
I was thinking, you know,

she'll lose the weight one day,
you know?

And what, here we are five years
later

and she really wants a baby

and I'm afraid

if we don't have one

that I'm gonna lose her.

And I just know though if
we started having kids,

it's like boom, perma-fat.

And then what, I'm that
fat guy with the fat wife

and I don't think I can
handle that, you know?

Listen, just take this in.

You are a schlubby geek, all
right?

- No, stop.
- No, listen, no, no.

While your wife is
definitely curvy, she's hot.

Yeah, dude fat girl hot.

Yeah, come on, put a
baby in her already, Jesus!

You're lucky someone of
that caliber wants to mate

with you, snore-a-saurus.

- Yeah.
- I don't snore.

I mean, I can objectify
chubby girls too.

And I can't believe I'm gonna
say this,

I've been staring at her boobs
for years.

- You have?
- Yeah, oh hell yeah.

Of course, I mean, I hope I'm
not crossing the line here

but I've been thinking
about hitting that since

you guys started dating
hypothetically, hypothetically.

I would hit that so hard
hypothetically of course,

- but so hard.
- Yeah, seriously.

You guys are assholes.

Dude, if I was married to her,

I would be worshiping that ass.

Just bending it over the sink.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Laying in all sorts of pipe.

Yeah, for me, it's all
about eating at the Y,

you know what I'm saying?

I'd be like, "Hey Stella, pack
your lunch

'cause I'm down here for a
while."

Fuck you, fuck you guys

that's my wife we're talking
about here.

All right.

- Fuck you.
- Hypothetical.

Yeah, totes.

Yeah, I mean, Nate
and I may have discussed

on many drunken occasions what
we'd do to her.

Yeah, meat slapper.

I just let her sit on
my face for like an hour.

Just straight up hour.

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

Work the speed bag.

Fuck you guys that's my wife.

I'd do a puppet show
just with her booby.

Just paint them up like little
frogs.

I hate you guys.

- I haven't heard that one.
- You guys are assholes.

Daily motor boats but
that's a given, right?

- Hey, fuck you.
- Okay.

But, but thank you.

All right now go your wife.

Get up right now, get up before
I do.

Seriously, 'cause I'm half
mast right now,

just talking about it.

Fuck you.

I'm married so it's all
fucking dead.

Yeah.

You guys are gonna pick
up her by three, right?

Yeah, we're gonna be there by
three.

Luna, Luna, Luna.

Look at your mama, look
your mama, look at, okay.

You want me to help
you with that?

I'll get that.

Shit, all right, got it.

What'd you do, steal
a whole set of towels.

No.

Stella I'm sorry about last
night.

You're so beautiful.

When I look at your face, I just
melt.

When I stare at your tits, I get
so hard.

When I look in your eyes, I'm
home.

- I love you Stella.
- I love you too.

- I love you.
- I love you.

Wait.

I know I asked for more eye
contact.

- Yeah.
- Maybe a little too much.

Oh, thank God, it's totally
awkward.

Didn't work at all, okay.

Oh wait, wait, I think
I packed the condoms.

No, no condoms.

I'ma knock you up wifey.

- Is that good with you?
- Hella good.

Hey, I was looking for you.

I need your help with something.

- Let's do it.
- Come on.

It's actually just right
there.

If you wanna grab that end here.

Yeah, and take it where?

Just hang on one second.

Just because I shot something
super interesting today.

Look at that.

Are you a voyeur or what?

I'm a voyeur that's where
you're going with this?

You're kissing my mother-in-law.

Yeah, but you were videotaping
it.

You're much more
interesting than I thought.

Okay, don't even
start that shit with me.

Wow, you're not nearly as
pretty when you're judging me.

I'm not judging you.

Yeah, you're judging me.

Nobody gave a about me
except for John and Naomi.

They're the only people in
the world that cared about me.

So you had an affair with
your best friend's mother

because she was nice to you?

It was much more than that.

- Really?
- I was 19.

John was away at college

and I had just broken
up with my girlfriend.

Naomi was a wreck, she was
going through her divorce

and I lived at her house

and we talked and we became
close and

I fell in love with her.

And she freaked and I kept
pushing it,

but eventually it became this
loving,

open healing thing,

but now that's over too.

She's 25 years older than you.

So, what if I was hooking
up with a rich older man,

would you be as shocked?

It's Luna's grandma.

- So it's just a woman.
- It's creepy.

Wow!

What?

I really thought you'd
be more understanding.

You thought I would be
understanding?

- Yeah.
- You know what I understand

that you have zero boundaries

and you have a pathological
need to plug into my husband

to prop your life up and
guess what, that ends now.

No texting, no Skyping, no
nothing.

And if you don't, I'll
show this to my husband.

- Go ahead.
- Yeah?

I don't care.

Oh, I think you do care.

'Cause if not, you would have
told him a long time ago.

I know you think I'm this
sweet wifey, mother, girl,

but I will fuck your up in a
minute.

- If you don't take a
- No wonder he hates you.

step back, girl.

He don't hate me.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah?

Yeah, no wonder he does.

He loves you, but he hates you.

He tries to think of
all kinds of different ways

to escape, but he just stays
half miserable.

- Guess what?
- Hmm?

That's marriage.

We're getting a minivan.

Yeah.

Hey.

Hey D.

- You okay?
- No.

I fucked up really bad.

It's gonna be okay D.

You're gonna be okay.

Ah! Ah!

Fuck you.

Maybe you just need
a little break, right?

I mean, that's totally
cool, we can do that.

That's fine, you can come back.

Nate, this was always headed
towards

- the end of the cliff, right?
- No.

We always said that.

No, this is not a cliff, okay,
this is just the beginning.

Alright, we said we were gonna
really try you and me, right?

We're gonna really try it.

I can't, I can't Nathan.

I tried, but I just can't do it.

I'm like wedged in two.

- I'm sorry.
- Don't be.

I love you.

Love you.

Bye.

Fuck.

Why does it always start off
so amazing in the beginning

and then turned to shit.

What's wrong with me John?

What's wrong with me?

Nothing, D you're a great
really.

It's just, you know,

maybe sometimes your choices are
a little-

- I think I give too much of
myself.

You know, when I'm in it
I'm so in it, you know?

Maybe I need to learn to hold
back

and figure out how to stop
making the people I love hate me.

Nate, what's wrong?

Ah, fuck, she,

she said she couldn't do it
anymore.

Natey, I'm so sorry.

Did you love her?

Yeah.

Why didn't you ever bring her
around?

Ankle monitor, camel toe?

- Married.
- Ouch.

You know life is just one
repeated loop of nut punches.

Yep.

Why does everyone leave me?

I don't leave.

I love you Johnny.

Wait.

No, no, no.

What's going through your mind
John?

- Hey.
- Hey.

When I come home at night,

I usually just sit in the
driveway

for about 10 minutes looking at
my phone

'cause I don't wanna go in.

Unfortunately Mr.
Goodson it is

an aggressive form of prostate
cancer.

That sucks I'm sorry.

Don't worry babe, we got this.

You, Mister, are a freaking
idiot.

Thanks, look D we got,

this is not, we can't.

I know you want this John,

so let's give it a shot.

I love Ada.

I love Luna.

I love my life, D.

But you said you were
miserable.

And I love it.

It's gray scale.

I don't know, it's time to go.

Turn down the hot water heater.

Put away the pool stuff.

You are wet.

Yeah, just horsing
around and being an idiot.

Jesus Christ, Naomi.

- I don't snore.
- No, it was literally,

they were souhnds that
I've never heard before.

That's not true, I don't
snore.

- Horrific.
- Babe tell him I don't snore.

- Like liquid and just-
- I'm don't snore.

Did Delaney leave?

I wanted to say goodbye.

Oh shit, I totally forgot
to pack the PlayStation.

Let me get that.

You know you're literally
glowing right now.

I'm serious, you're
literally giving off light.

I had a wonderful time.

What do you wanna call our
kid?

How about Zula.

I think we should call our kid
Bob.

We're not calling our kid Bob.

Just Bob not even Robert, not
Robert.

Why don't you text me
Rachel Stumfold's number.

Humpfold.

- Rachel Humpfold's number.
- No.

Why not?

No, because you'll get my
hopes up

and then you'll disappoint me

and I'm really happy right now,
so no.

Is it here?

Thank you.

Stop it.

I cleaned the fridge, you were
right,

we got too much food.

What are you looking at?

I have to show you something
and you may not like it.

That sounds scary.

This is how I make sense of
the world.

There's something in here
that doesn't make any sense.

Okay, well.

You infuriate me, you know
that?

And I love you

more than you could ever
wrap your stupid head around.

Were you watching our therapy
videos?

Maybe.

- Just a thought here Ada.
- What?

Kindness is key.

You know what, forget it.

It's just it's not fun right now

and I'm not happy where we are.

And I don't think this whole
honesty thing

is making anything better.

I wasn't horsing around,

I jumped in the pool
because Delaney kissed me.

What, what?

Hey, aah!

Look, I didn't initiate it.

But you kissed her?

She kissed me.

You kissed her back?

Honestly, I have thought
about kissing Delaney Danton

since I was 10 years old.

Hands up.

In my mind if it ever
happened,

it was gonna be like infinite
perfection,

but it wasn't, it was just,
it was terrifying and gross.

You have the right to remain
silent.

But not barfed gross, but, you
know,

risking everything gross.

It was bullshit that I
let go on far too long

and I don't know why.

Listen, what I do know

is that you are the most
important,

beautiful, most exasperating,

best thing in my life.

And I love the shit out of you.

A real love, messy love
like I wanna kill you love.

Not in a bad way.

I wanna kill you because
you show me who I am.

Don't cry about it.

I have to tell you something
too.

What is it?

I think I'm gonna be a video
artist.

I don't really know what that
is

and I'm sure there's no
money in it, but great.

Don't. You kissed Delaney.

Okay.

- She kissed me.
- Shut up.

All right, I'm just saying.

10-25, suspect
captured?

What the?

10-15, suspect in
custody

- Holy shit!
- Are you kidding me.

Ah, what do we do,
what should we do Ada?

How about nothing.

Should I call my mom,
I'm gonna call my mom.

Should I call my mom?

Why don't you just let
her get in that police car

and ride out of our lives
then call your mother.

Okay.

Let's go.

So that whole Delaney
situation,

pretty much ridiculous.

- Yeah.
- Yep.

You're gonna be okay.

See you next week.

We have 30 more minutes.

Motor boat, scoter boat all
day long.

Give me that, give the phone.

You guys stop it, you guys.

Hey, do I have to turn
the van around or what?

He started it, he
started it.

Please God,
get me to the airport,

I cannot stand to see your
faces any longer.

♪ Winter falls a blanket
calls, I let you down ♪

♪ Been a little lonely since
we left the big city ♪

♪ For the sleepy old town ♪

♪ We sit and stare separate ♪

♪ But they're thinking
you need me now ♪

♪ You got your eyes looking down ♪

♪ But you're good at facing
facts, hoping I'll come around ♪

♪ Oooh, oooh, oooh ♪

♪ But I don't know how ♪

♪ You say my name I turn
away from the little things ♪

♪ They say that everyone has
changed they all look the same ♪

♪ They haven't changed ♪

♪ I turn around and all I see
are clouds ♪

♪ But the in-laws tell me how
it's all without you tunneling ♪

♪ They say settle down
boy, settle down boy ♪

♪ Settle down boy ♪

♪ They say lighten up
boy, lighten up boy ♪

♪ Listen up boy ♪