Homie Spumoni (2006) - full transcript
All his life, African-American Renato has been raised in an Italian-American family. Completely unaware that he is Black, his life is upended when his birth parents materialize, causing Renato to examine what he true heritage is.
[BABY BABBLING]
WOMAN [IN ITALIAN]:
[IN ITALIAN]
[GASPS]
WOMAN [IN ITALIAN]:
[BABY CRYING]
[SCREAMS]
[SCREAMS]
MARIA [IN ITALIAN]:
America?
RENATO [IN VOICEO VER]: My parents
taught me there's two kinds of people.
Italians...
...and people who wish they were.
Right out of the womb,
I craved spaghetti.
My mother said I didn't
even eat baby food.
See that spoon? That's like training wheels
for a spaghetti bender.
Now I work at my pop's deli.
My best friend Buddy, he gives me a ride
in exchange for my best sandwich:
The Guinea Pig,
which I named after him.
[HORN HONKS MELOD Y]
Don't mind the horn.
Buddy's all about his wheels.
Hey, numskull, do you always have to
drive on the frigging sidewalk?
Do I beef when people
walk on the street? Eh?
[SINGING "VOLARE"]
[MUSIC STOPS]
What are you doing?
You don't like Dino?
I like Dino just fine. It's just that,
is that all you ever listen to?
Come on, don't be such a twat.
I like to sing. It gets me fired up for work.
Why don't you go on American Idol?
There's no way I'm singing in front of
real people. I'll feel like a fag.
Look what my grandmother got me.
- Look at that.
- It's an air freshener, for chrissakes.
- You can get that anywhere.
- Not just any air freshener.
It's a Scratch n' Sniff air freshener.
Go ahead, scratch it, smell it.
It's like she's blowing a fart
right in your face.
So we're on for Lucifer's tonight?
RENATO: Tonight's my volunteer night
at the dog pound.
- I'll see you later.
BUDD Y: All right.
[SINGING]
[BELL RINGS]
Buon giorno, Shannon.
What can I do for you?
You've gotta help me, Renato.
Angelo wants me to make some aglio olio.
If you're gonna make it, you're gonna
have to learn how to pronounce it first.
Repeat after me.
Here's the easy way:
- A...
- A...
...glio olio.
...glio olio.
Like Yo-Yo with an L.
Aglio olio.
Very good. All right,
so first you're gonna need some of this.
You are definitely gonna need
some of the good stuff.
A few bulbs of garlic and,
boom, you're set.
Now, this is what I want you to do.
You follow these directions right here...
...and you'll have no problem.
- You are a lifesaver, Renato.
- I know this.
- Keep the change.
Wow, a magazine cover.
You guys are famous.
Your dad must be so proud.
Yeah, he's proud, all right. He autographs
the wrappers on people's cold cuts.
Congratulations, Renato.
RENATO:
Shannon, wait.
- This is for you, signorina.
- Thanks, Renato.
RENATO: Eh. You take care.
- Okay.
[RENATO SINGING]
[ALLI LAUGHS]
Hi, I'm Alli. Would you mind
giving me a tour?
No, no, no. Absolutely. No problem.
You know, you have
a nice singing voice.
- How long were you standing there for?
- Just for, like, one second.
All right, cool.
- But I watched it from the window.
- Oh, God, I feel like an idiot.
You looked like
you were enjoying yourself.
Uh...
What kind of dog did you have in mind?
I'm sorry. You pull off that whole
Sinatra singing-dancing thing really well.
- Oh, that's because I'm Italian.
- Yeah, right.
No, I am. Seriously, I swear to God.
Listen, I was born in Italy,
then we moved here when I was a baby.
Okay, prove it. Say something in Italian.
[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]
Dare I ask what that means?
- You're standing in dog piss. Yeah.
- Oh.
It's all right, don't worry.
So my mother, right,
she says Italians are like diamonds.
- We come in all different shades.
- Okay.
Back to business.
What kind of doggy are you looking for?
Mm. I want personality.
RENATO: Hey, you know what, Major here,
he'd be a loyal soldier.
He would dive on a grenade for you.
Yeah, except shepherds,
they're really protective.
He might chew up your husband.
I'm not married.
Oh, what a pretty coat.
RENATO:
That's what Afghans are known for.
Yeah. Except when they do number two,
it sticks to their long hair.
Cleaning it is like trying to get peanut butter
out of a shag carpet, I'm telling you.
Plus, your boyfriend might get
tennis elbow brushing her.
I don't have a boyfriend.
And before you slide into the next
subtle question, no, I don't live alone.
I live with my parents.
Oh, that's cool. So do I.
I'll have my own place in a month
or two, if everything goes right.
Well, what could go wrong?
There's a lot of politics at the hospital.
How often do you feed these guys
lunch meat? It must get expensive.
Oh, no, not really. I work at my dad's deli,
and I just feed them the scraps.
As a matter of fact, Enzo's Deli,
right there on Main Street. It's in Little Italy.
You come by sometime.
Lunch will be on me.
Thanks.
Maybe I will.
[MARIA SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]
- You hungry?
- No, I'm all right. I'm gonna take a shower.
Okay, hurry up. Uncle Nicky's
coming to watch the fight, okay?
Gretzky.
He shakes his last man.
He shoots. He scores!
[THUMPS]
How did things go at the store today?
Did the freezer guy come?
RENATO: Yeah, he came.
He said everything's all set.
But I don't know, Pop, he had that
faraway Polack look on his face.
Did you pay him?
When I'm sure it's working,
he'll get paid.
Bravo.
- The guy fighting Powell, he's a wop.
- Max Silvermann? That ain't Italian, Pop.
Silvermann's his old man's name.
His mother's Italian.
If the mother's Italian,
then the kid's Italian. Made in Italy.
MAN [ON TV]: Max "Silver Hammer"
Silvermann will be taking on the champion...
...Billy "Black Powder" Powell.
Yeah, he won't look like a champ once our
paisano's finished with him. Pop, pop, pop.
I don't know, that moolie looks tough.
Hey, don't use that word, okay?
Show some class.
- What do you want me to say?
- You say African-American.
African-American?
A couple of years ago, it was black...
...and then two years before that,
it was Negro.
Come on, these people
don't know what they want.
- Where'd I find you?
- I don't know...
...but I bet if you trace our roots back,
we come from some type of Italian royalty.
- I'd put my life on it.
- Renato, please...
...could you get us another beer?
Here.
Okay, when are you gonna tell this kid
the truth?
Nico, please.
Maria's happy, he's happy
and I'm happy.
[IN ITALIAN]
[NICKY SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]
ALLl: I wonder where he is.
He said he'd be here all day.
Is that him?
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
[IN ENGLISH] Alli! How you doing? I didn't
recognize you without your nurse's outfit.
Well, I do have other clothes.
I'm Nipp Su. That means
"third wheel" in Japanese.
- I'm sorry.
- How you doing?
[IN ITALIAN]
I am so sorry, Mrs. Rossi.
Here is your macaroni salad.
Anything else?
[LAUGHING]
- She's so sweet.
- Yeah, she's one of the sweetest.
Uh, why don't you have a seat over there
and I will whip up something magnifico?
Okay.
[IN ITALIAN]
Did you have to wear hot, hot pants?
Don't you think you're being obvious?
Renato's Italian.
I could use a little life in my life.
What's the matter with that surgeon guy
your mother wants you to sing with?
- He's not bad-Iooking and...
- He reminds me of one of my relatives.
You know, Jon Stewart
in Woody Allen's body.
Jon Stewart already has
Woody Allen's body.
Wait. Shh. Here he comes.
RENATO:
All right. Enjoy.
- Is that ham?
- Actually, it's imported prosciutto...
...roasted red peppers
and our finest provolone.
Oh.
- What's the matter, are you allergic?
- No.
I can't have ham for religious reasons.
You gave up ham for Lent?
I gave up chocolate.
- I'm Jewish.
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
I'm sorry. For the ham, I mean.
- I like it.
- I'm glad you like it, Nipp Su.
Don't worry about it. I'll be right back.
I hate to be a pain,
but can you not use the same bread?
The ham already touched it.
Don't even give it a second thought.
The meat will go to our pals at the pound,
the bread will feed hungry birds.
Okay.
- Sorry.
- All right.
We're supposed to go to Lucifer's, but now
you got me on a blind date with a skank.
She's not a skank.
You're gonna owe me for this one,
I swear.
- I think she's a nymph.
- How do you know?
She was wearing a toe ring.
Have you ever met a broad with a toe ring
that didn't like the banana?
- What's these broads' names?
- Alli Butterman...
- Butterman? A Heeb?
- Yeah, but you gotta see her.
Oh, my God. Listen, she dresses hot,
she knows how to goof.
I had her laughing her tits off.
She don't eat ham,
but she's not a real Jewy Jew.
Never been with a pork dodger before.
Where are we supposed to take
these broads? Shopping?
- Hey, I ain't going to no mall.
- Relax, all right?
- Yours isn't Jewish.
- Oh, why didn't you say so?
She's Japanese.
- Japanese? A Jew and a Jap?
- You need to broaden your horizons.
Well, now. What might
you two dagos be up to, then? Hm?
Why don't you take a look?
Too good for the parking lot, are you?
Typical guinea, thinking he can
use his car like a lawn chair.
Hey, my friend can't help it.
He's a sports nut.
Is he, now? Well...
Oh, lucky day,
a dago and a stovepipe.
Well, if that's not a recipe for a drug deal,
I don't know what is.
Who are you calling stovepipe?
Just give me the license, Pinocchio.
You little gangster! And do you mind
telling me what that white stuff is, then?
No, officer, look, it's guanti. All right?
That's powdered sugar.
Oh, sure it is. That's powdered sugar
like you're a dago, you lying stovepipe.
Why don't we call Uncle Nicky,
tell him to come to the police station?
Oh, Uncle Nicky, is it?
Sergeant Nicky Pollina, all right?
His wife is my Aunt Rose.
She made those pastries.
So why don't you quit with the insults,
you whiskey-faced, potato...?
I'll be checking with Sergeant Pollina.
In the meantime...
...keep your guinea gondola off the grass
in my neck of the woods. Got me?
- What an asshole.
- Never mind him.
Wipe your face,
we got a date to think about.
Help me with this top, all right?
RENATO:
Look at these houses. Oh, my God.
Wow.
I didn't know Jews played basketball.
There are a lot of basketball hoops.
All right, pay attention.
We're looking for 112.
That's 22 right there.
We got a ways to go.
- Hey. Look at these two dizzy broads.
- Holy crap, that's them. Stop. Stop.
ALLl: Hi.
RENATO: Hey.
- How's it going?
ALLl: Good.
- Come on, get in.
NIPP SU: Okay.
You guys, this is Buddy.
Buddy, this is Nipp Su and this is Alli.
How are you? Alli.
- Yo, I thought you said you lived at 112.
- I do.
- What are you doing all the way over here?
- My mother's kosher.
If she knew I was dating a Roman Catholic,
that would be gezaldikeh zach.
Yeah, gezaldikeh zach.
- Not a real Jewy Jew, huh?
- Knock it off.
What is it about movies
that makes you crave all this?
- Swill.
- Exactly.
I mean, look at that right there.
Tell me that doesn't look like something
that you'd find under an elephant's foreskin.
Now, this is the way to see a movie.
There's no lines,
no crowded theaters. This is great.
I didn't know they still have drive-ins.
They haven't had them
in Japan for years.
That's because Godzilla crushed them all.
[LAUGHS]
I'm just teasing you.
Hey, I think it's really cool that
you're Japanese, you know?
My uncle went there once.
- Really? What part?
- Hong Kong.
He said you guys
are really friendly as hell.
MAN [O VER SPEAKERS]:
America's sweethearts Ashton Kutcher...
...and Demi Moore star
in Harold and Maude.
Do you believe in love at first sight?
Why not? I mean...
...that's what I always say, why not?
Me too.
Then I guess I'm in love
with Ashton Kutcher.
That candy-ass? He wouldn't last
five minutes with you.
- Why not?
- Because I'd bust his sternum.
I think it's so cute
when Italian guys get jealous.
You always wanna bust something.
- I don't usually do this.
- Oh, me neither.
- What are you doing?
- Shh.
Come here.
Scootch down here.
All right. Now, just reach in there
like you're grabbing some popcorn.
The butter makes it slippery.
Want one?
ALLl:
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
I am so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
[SINGING]
I'm in the mood for love
Easy, Zorro. Let's take it slow.
I don't wanna take it slow.
How can I speed things up?
Well, you can sing with me
in the talent show.
What talent show?
The hospital's sponsoring a talent show,
my mother's the director.
She's trying to get me to sing a duet
with Dr. Finklestein.
Who's Finklestein?
Remember when you mooned me
in the operating room?
Well, the surgeon was Dr. Finklestein.
Oh, well, that sucks. Why him?
My mother thinks she's being slick,
but I know she made a deal with him.
She gets me to sing a duet with him
and he makes me a surgical assistant.
What's with all
the cloak-and-dagger bullshit?
She's a Jewish mother. She wants me
to marry a rich Jewish doctor...
...but make it seem like
it was all meant to be.
- Frig that. Don't do it!
- But I want to.
It's one of the few fun things
about the hospital.
- Yeah, but him and you?
- Then rescue me.
You don't have to bust anyone's sternum,
just sing with me.
I don't know about singing in public.
I'll feel stupid.
Do you think Frank Sinatra felt stupid?
And he always got the girl.
Please?
Just come with me and audition.
Your mom's not gonna freak out
about you dating a Catholic?
Let me handle my mother.
All right.
Oh, Alli baby.
You want me to sing...
...I'll sing.
[SINGING] Alli baby
You drive me crazy
Doing those things
That you do
When I see you
I can't believe you
Would do those damn things
That you do
[FARTS]
Whoo.
[SINGING] When you're feeling so fine
And your farts smell like wine
That's amo...
Hi.
[IN ITALIAN]
[IN ENGLISH]
Talk to your mother.
Leroy. My baby.
Leroy? Wait, who's Leroy?
[IN ITALIAN]
[IN ENGLISH]
Hey, lady, do me a favor.
Could you back up a little bit?
You're starting to freak me out.
- We are your real parents.
- My parents? Pop!
It's the truth.
- Come down here, son.
- Please, don't call me that, all right?
I used to call you my little mocha frog...
...because you had webbing
between the toes of your right foot.
[LAUGHS]
RENATO: There's no webbing.
This is all a mistake. It's a mistake.
Pop, tell her it's a mistake.
I had the webbing removed when you were
a kid. You used to swim in circles.
- Leroy!
- Oh, God! Oh, God! No!
No, it's okay. It's okay.
That's my boy!
- It's okay, Renato.
- That's my boy.
- Yes, yes.
- That's my boy.
- Leroy!
- No, no. Please.
Where the Virgin Mary at?
All right.
How did I wind up in Italy...
...in a basket, floating down a river?
Son...
...I just wanna, you know,
apologize, and...
I love you.
And that day, it was just too much.
I mean, your mother, she can't swim.
She can't even drink water.
And the man, he couldn't swim,
and you got away from me...
You know what, George?
Why don't you let me tell the story?
Because I know the story. I can tell it.
Do you mind?
I'm sorry, son.
Go on.
Your father entered a contest
to name a chicken sandwich.
It's some Italian thing. I don't know.
He won us a trip to Italy.
We went, we saw everything.
We saw the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
We saw the Sistine Chapel. We saw
Italian people who tried to rip us off.
That's beside the point.
He decided we were gonna go
on a gondola ride.
Do you remember that, the gondola ride?
- I said...
- You ain't let me forgotten.
"George, I do not want to go on a gondola,
because I cannot swim. I don't like water."
He knows that.
On to the gondola we go.
I have a basket with you in it...
...your brother Dana and your father...
...who has snuck on to this gondola
a pouch of wine.
So we're going along and he's partying,
now he's having a good old time.
He wanna get down.
He gonna get his drunk on, see?
And he decides to stand up and wave
like the queen to people on either side.
"Yeah! How you doing?
How you doing?"
Loud, ugly American,
you know how they talk about us.
And he picked that thing up
and he starts squeezing that wine.
He rocking the boat. I said,
"Sit down, you're rocking the boat."
"Don't tell me what to do!"
And boom, the gondola flips over.
I say to your father, "Save the kids."
He says, "No, no, I wanna save you."
I said, "Get the kids!"
He doesn't do that.
He's arguing with me
as I'm going up and down in the water.
I said, "Save the..."
[GURGLES]
The next thing you know, he caught Dana,
he had me by my hair...
...and by the time he got around to it...
...the basket was gone.
We couldn't find you.
And we looked everywhere, we did.
So that's what happened?
So that's what happened?
Well, that's it. And then, of course,
I saw your picture on the magazine...
...and it's not like I could forget
this face. I mean, this is him.
This is him. When he was young,
this is how hot he was.
That's how I knew it was you.
And I called over there...
...I said, "I think this is my son."
The man said, "No, no, no."
I said, "Oh, yes."
And then he finally said,
"Well, come on up here."
So that's how we got here, and...
...it's you.
- It's you.
- It is, son.
We want you just to come visit us
for a while.
You got a brother
who would love to meet you.
Oh, guys, I don't know. I got a job
that I'm working really hard at, and...
Uh, I got friends that, you know, we...
If you could just come for a couple
of days. Just for a couple days.
You don't have to stay.
Just come see us for a little while.
Can I think about it?
BUDD Y:
So let me get this straight.
They brought you all the way to Italy
and dropped you in a river?
Couldn't they have just
tossed you in a dumpster?
So did you tell Alli yet?
Hey, she was all worried
about me being Catholic...
...now I gotta tell her I'm a moolinyam?
You know what, you've been real good
about her being a Jew. She owes you one.
Man.
You know what? I never had a friend
that was a nig... I mean...
...black.
Yeah, you have. Your whole life,
you've had one.
You should get checked
for that sickle-cell thing.
That can kill you.
I don't know why you don't wanna sing
with that nice Dr. Finklestein.
He did you a big favor, you know.
Hit me. Busted.
He did you a favor, Ma.
Besides, Renato's got a beautiful voice...
...and who knows more about singing
than Italians?
She's got a point there, Myrna.
- Today, Shirley.
- I'll stay.
Italian, that's not so bad.
My niece is engaged
to a French-Canadian.
I hear he's not even circumcised.
Oh, I think I'd have to boil it
before I went near one of those.
Oh, blackjack. Thank you, ladies.
Well, he is circumcised, isn't he, Alli?
How would she know?
Only my daughter would give up
the chance to be with a surgeon.
A Jewish surgeon.
Here he is now.
A shvartzer?
Agnes, what do you got hiding
in your bag? Something strong.
- Percocet and nitroglycerin.
MYRNA: Give me one of each.
You can't take those together.
Now, quit it and don't embarrass me.
He's a little dark because
he's right from Italy, okay?
Renato, this is my mom and her friends
Agnes and Shirley.
- Hey.
- Nice to meet you.
And what part of Italy are you from?
Baltimore.
- What?
- Uh...
I was born in Baltimore.
My real parents lost me
while on vacation in Italy.
ALLl:
What are you talking about?
My Italian parents were lying to me
the whole time.
One second.
He seems nice.
Look, all right?
They just showed up at my house.
And you never suspected anything,
all this time?
No, why should I?
I came over on a boat from Italy.
You never questioned your skin color?
If the Jewish princess is too good
to date me, just say so.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry,
I didn't mean that.
Listen, they want me to come visit.
What do you think?
I think that's a good idea.
I think it's a real good idea.
Alli...
How you doing?
I'm fine.
GEORGE:
Leroy, how you feeling?
Hungry, son?
[SCREAMS]
Don't you wanna eat?
What's wrong with you?
RENATO:
Oh. Yeah, nothing.
They're just apples, son.
I'm sorry I yelled.
GEORGE:
Home sweet home.
[MAN SINGING]
Dana.
Dana! Turn the damn music off.
Turn that shit off.
What, you hard of hearing, boy?
Sorry.
Anybody else up in here?
There's a party going on.
Dana, this is your dead brother, Leroy.
- What's up, nigga?
- Hey, ain't no niggas in this house.
They might be next door, but they're not
in this house. We're family.
That's right.
Leroy, just put your hand out.
Just gently pat it there.
- That's how it's done.
- Oh.
How you doing?
Isn't this something?
After 22 years, here is your brother.
You know, the one that
everybody said was dead.
"Forget about it." Everybody told me
you were dead, but I knew you weren't.
I felt it. Mamas know things like that.
But people would say,
"Move on. Let it go. He's dead."
We bought you a burial plot...
...but I wouldn't put anything in there,
not even a rock.
Because I knew. Because mamas know.
And don't think I don't
see what he's doing.
"Life is for the living. He's never
coming back. He's dead, dead, dead."
But you see that sign?
It's been up for 22 years.
Come upstairs with me,
I'm gonna show you your room.
Okay. Go on straight through,
and on your right...
...you're gonna be staying
with your brother Dana.
Get yourself settled in.
I'm gonna go downstairs, start supper.
You like soul food?
I've never had it before.
Well, there's no tomato sauce on it.
You be all right with that?
- Yeah. All right.
- Okay.
All this jungle music.
- Dana!
- Ow.
Take that hat off at the table.
God, that boy's too much.
So, Leroy, do you like your catfish?
RENATO:
It's different.
Different than what? Dogfish?
Hey, hey, hey. Look, you know,
I was born in Louisiana...
...and we got catfish bigger
and longer than this table...
...and one just swallowed
a woman whole...
...and when they cut the catfish open,
there she was, dead as a doornail...
...holding onto that purse like this.
Just:
He got her, but he wasn't
gonna get that money.
Hey, hey, hey, that's ketchup.
Put that down. Ketchup!
Ketchup and cottage cheese,
that's for white folks.
You want this, Mama's Hot Sauce.
Mmm.
Mama's Louisiana Hot Sauce.
This is good.
- George.
- Yeah.
I think Leroy knows a little something
about food.
After all, he is in the food business.
Be careful with that.
That'll have you crapping fireballs.
Excuse me, this is the dinner table.
- Yo, so you own a restaurant?
- No, a deli.
And I don't own it, my father does.
- I'm sorry.
- It's all right, don't worry about it.
- You eat for free?
- Uh, yeah.
Shit, that's what I'm talking about.
I'd be eating...
This is the dinner table,
I don't wanna hear that shit.
George.
- I don't wanna hear that.
- Thank you.
Leroy, is there a special young lady
in your life?
That's what I'm talking about. Big old
Italian booty? Man, I'd be all over that.
Dana, why would you tell a lie like that
at the table?
Look what happened when Mrs. Johnson
showed you hers. You ran.
Mrs. Johnson's booty
look like a bag of nickels.
And you ran away, crying like a baby.
Mrs. Johnson's got so many kids,
they call her house the shoe.
Actually, I do have a girlfriend. Yeah.
But she's not Italian.
- She's vanilla, though, isn't she?
- Kind of. She's Jewish.
Brother got a Jewish girl, Pop.
He's Sammy Davis Jr. Over there.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ON STEREO]
Hey, where should I put my stuff?
Throw it in the closet.
Ahh! Yeah.
That's it right there. You feeling that?
Not really.
Why? What's wrong with it?
Well, to be honest with you, they don't
sing, they don't play any instruments...
...and they're doing some nursery-rhyme
mumbo jumbo.
[MUSIC STOPS]
It's not about playing instruments.
It's the language of our people.
A voice from the 'hood.
I'm sorry, I always thought that was
just some no-talent bull crap.
Rocky Balboa, you don't know shit.
Rocky Balboa, oh, my God.
That's my favorite movie.
Hit my fist like you did downstairs.
Come on. Come on.
Oh! Rocky! Rocky!
[MAN FARTING AND SQUIRTING]
[FARTING AND SQUIRTING]
[GASPS]
I didn't say I was done there, string bean.
Now, get in there and clean me up.
Get every nook and cranny or I'll tell
the doctor what a bitch you've been.
- That won't be necessary.
- Hey! I didn't order...
Out. It doesn't have to be this way.
What way?
You mean this? Why would this
bother me? I'm a nurse.
You know what's interesting...
...these stainless-steel bedpans
heat up like a porcelain teacup.
Stop it. Stop it!
That's not why I came in here.
I wanted to make a deal. If you'll sing
with me in the talent show...
I'm back in the O. R?
Yes. Yes, you are.
MAN 1:
Come on. Where your skills at?
MAN 2: That's you, that's it.
Take it to the hole.
MAN 3:
Oh, man!
Come on, over here, man. Yeah.
Back over here.
MAN 1:
Yo, yo, post, man.
MAN 4: Back him down.
MAN 5: You better stick...
Come on, baby.
Leroy, you in. Come on, man.
MAN 1: Play some defense, come on.
- Leroy, come on, you in. Leroy!
Shit. I'm sorry, man. I was calling you.
Let's play ball.
These guys look really good.
They ain't got shit. Listen, take the shot
if you got it, pass if you don't.
DANA: Stay on your man, yo.
Stay on your man.
- Don't chase the ball. Stay on your man!
MAN 1: Right here, man.
Bounce the ball, man.
Put your hands up. Play some defense.
Stay in front of him.
Move your feet.
Okay, Leroy time now. Here you go.
You got two hands, Leroy.
Oh, wow, okay.
There you go, Leroy.
Oh.
DANA: Yeah, there you go.
MAN 1: Over here.
DANA: It's not kickball. Put your hands up.
Play some defense. There you go.
- What'd I do?
- You hacked me.
It's a real call. Don't worry.
I would've called it on your ass too.
- This is a pussy game, Dana.
- Hey.
Okay.
Feet on the ground.
Move to the basket.
Got you all day, man.
You gotta pass that shit now, baby.
You and him, Leroy. You and him.
Yo! What the hell was that?
- What?
- You charged me.
- Well, you was in the way, so...
- Get your monkey ass off the court.
- I think you...
- Hey!
Will somebody please remove this nigga
off the court before I fold him up?
This guy...
- You Oreo cookie mother...
- Hold up, hold up.
- Get his ass out of here.
- It's all good. Relax.
- This guy, he's got a big mouth, Dana.
- What?
Hold up, yo. Hold up.
RENATO: I'm sorry. We didn't play
basketball in my neighborhood.
DANA:
We're not in your neighborhood.
You turned a game of basketball
into a hockey brawl.
- Is that how you make friends?
- Fine, I won't play basketball anymore.
It's not just that.
It's the way you walk, talk, act.
You know what, you are a Oreo cookie.
I understand you grew up
around white people, but get over it.
It's like you not even trying.
Trying? What should I be
trying to do, huh?
You see this? You see this over here?
I was raised Italian, all right?
This is who I am.
- This is me.
- Hold this one second.
- Close your eyes.
- What?
Just close them.
Open them.
Well?
All right, I can see how someone
might mistake me for a black.
Mistake?
MAN: My car! Hey!
- Come on, man. Run!
Come here! Hey!
MAN: Hey, Buddy, you're all set.
I'm gonna bring you down.
- Hey, how are them brakes?
MAN: Brakes are good.
Good.
[IN ITALIAN]
Hey, I could really go for some linguine
and clams right now, what do you say?
We can't go in there, man.
It's all Fat Tony, Mafioso, machine-gun...
You watch too much television.
I promise you, this place is gonna be great.
Mangiamo, it's on me, all right?
Hey, how's it going? Two.
It's gonna be at least a two-hour wait.
Two hours?
Welcome to my ristorante, gentlemen.
[IN ITALIAN]
[IN ENGLISH]
Enjoy your meal.
So should I put your name down?
DANA:
We gonna eat or what?
I left my wallet at home.
This ain't a date.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING
ON TV]
Turn that damn TV down.
What are you, hard of hearing?
- Oh, Leroy, it's you.
- Yeah.
Looking good, boy. You're looking good.
You look sharp.
You remind me of me when I was young.
Billy Dee Williams had nothing on me.
I want you to picture this.
Back in the day...
...I had on my platform shoes,
they were alligator, they were sharp.
Long, velvet, blue jacket. I had my hat on,
it was all pulled down over my eye.
I had a feather on the side. Pimp!
I made all the young girls buckle
their knees. It was like Joe Frazier...
...and that left hook.
Hey, son. I know it's been hard on you.
It's been more frustrating than anything.
Everybody's taking me the wrong way.
I know I'm black,
I'm just not good at it yet.
Takes practice.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
It's Alli, man.
If she looks as good as she sounds...
...that's one sweet potato pie.
Uh, miss, he's on the crapper.
He'll be off soon.
When he gets off,
I'll make sure he calls you. Bye, sweetie.
What's wrong with you?
What you afraid of?
I'm not afraid of anything.
I just don't know what to say to her.
Look, I'm your father, I love you...
...and I know it's hard
not knowing who you are...
...where you come from,
and when you don't know who you are...
...who are your real parents,
you don't know...
Look...
...if I find out that you ashamed
of being black...
...I will knock the shit out of you.
I'll bite your ear off like Mike Tyson.
- You understand?
- All right.
Now, stop all this sissy bitching shit
and go call that pretty young thing.
Here, Jim Brown.
Look, I believe you didn't know,
but the way you told me really sucked.
In front of my mom and her friends?
Why couldn't you confide in me first?
Because I didn't know how
you would react. I was nervous.
- You had no trouble telling Buddy.
- Yeah, but he's my best friend.
Thanks a lot.
What's up with that chain?
You look like the black pope.
- Where's Leroy? We gonna be late.
- He's on the phone with his girlfriend.
- Are you still singing with me?
- Can I tell you in a day or two?
- We don't have much time.
- What do you want from me?
I don't know. A big, fat, spontaneous yes
would have been nice.
- Or an apology.
- Apology?
Apology, my ass!
We had to make getaways
like Bonnie and Clyde...
...just to go out on a date
because I was Catholic.
Or can't I come in your house because
I don't have curlicues and a beanie?
Oh!
[SPEAKS IN HEBREW]
This is a bad idea, man.
They're all gonna laugh at me.
Come on, bro.
You're losing your cool, man.
You gotta get your head
out of Little Italy, okay?
You already made the jump,
now just go with it.
- The one and only Dana!
- Hey, baby. What's going on, man?
- I'm good.
- All right.
- Yo, this is my brother Leroy.
- Leroy! What's going on, Africa?
- All right. How you doing?
- Yeah, yeah.
All right. Oh, you wanna...? Okay.
One, two, three, you're pinned, right?
Ah!
- Right? Come on.
- What you doing, kid?
- I thought we was thumb wrestling.
- It's a long story.
RENATO:
Oh, I'm so sorry.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ON STEREO]
[GASPS]
[GRO ANS]
Yo, bro. Everybody in this piece
got the munchies.
Everybody in this piece is black.
And this is a real spear.
[SPEAKS GIBBERISH]
The hell are you drinking?
Don't ever do that again.
Go in the kitchen
and see if you can whip something up.
I don't know what this guy's got.
What do you want me to make?
I want you to make friends.
All right. Man of the house.
That's me.
[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]
WOMAN:
Thanks.
My brother.
Yeah, yeah. He's all right. He's all right.
FINKLESTEIN:
That was your first flatliner, wasn't it?
Alli, the O.R. Isn't always a happy place.
Huh? Oh.
I'm sorry. I was thinking
about my boyfriend.
Or ex-boyfriend. I don't even know
what he is right now.
Oops. Sorry. I was just...
Is that the fella that was gonna
sing with you in the talent show?
- Yeah.
- Ah.
Alli, you know, sometimes
these things happen for a reason.
You know, this Italian fella probably
wasn't the right guy for you.
He's not Italian.
- He's not?
- No.
Well, your mom just happened
to mention in passing that...
- In passing?
- Oh, come on, Alli.
Your mother cares about you.
And so do I.
If he's not Italian, then what is he?
I don't wanna get into it.
Hey there, I thought I heard you come in.
Can you hand me that chicken, please?
Sure.
Now, this is my specialty,
which I made just for you...
...because I knew you'd be coming home
from that party and you'd be hungry.
Thelma, I gotta be honest with you,
I'm not a huge fan of fried chicken.
RENATO:
Mmm, mm, mm.
THELMA: So you like that chicken, huh?
- I love the chicken.
This is very good, Thelma.
- Leroy, can I ask you a question?
- Sure.
- How you doing?
- I'm fine.
Leroy.
- How are you doing?
- Uh...
Well, my life has been flipped
upside down.
I got two mothers, two fathers...
...a new brother and a girlfriend.
And all I can do is think about her.
I understand that.
I know what that's like, to have a big hole
in your heart and you get that longing.
- I'm sorry.
- Why?
Well, because, you know,
you've been through a lot...
...and here I am trying to dump
all my shitty little problems on you.
Come on, now, that was a long time ago,
and you're here now...
...and so now your shitty little problems
are my shitty little problems.
Can I ask a favor of you?
Sure.
Do you think maybe
you could call me Ma?
Just once. I will never...
I promise you, I will never ask again...
...if you just...
Sure, Mom.
Leroy, I lied. Could you do it
one more time, please?
Mom.
So you like this girl, huh?
I love her.
Well, then I think you have to jump
on that big old white horse...
...and go charging down there
and swoop her up.
- I can't do that.
- Why not?
I blew it. I blew it like:
[IMITATES EXPLOSION]
Blew it. All right? She... l...
On the phone...
Leroy. This much I know.
That if you're in love,
the only way you can blow it...
...is by not trying.
- So this is your 'hood, huh?
- Yeah.
You're gonna love it.
The people here are awesome.
Awesome, Dana. Awesome.
[SIRENS WAILING]
Come on, this is bullshit. You remember
me? Nicky Pollina's my uncle.
Oh. So you are a stovepipe.
You might have your uncle fooled...
...but I knowed you was as black
as the heart of Satan.
Oh, you right, the people are awesome.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
GEORGE:
I hope it's not the Witnesses.
THELMA:
Don't open the door if it's the Witnesses.
Hey! How you doing?
Thelma, the Italians are here.
- Oh, hello. Is everything all right?
MARIA: Oh, yes, fine, it's okay.
Everything's okay.
I brought you something, melanzane.
Melanzane. Look, melanzane.
- What is it?
- Moolinyan.
Eggplant.
- Yes. I know. Come in.
MARIA: Oh, thank you very much.
- Moolinyan...
- Yeah, I got it.
I promise you, when my Uncle Nicky gets
here, he'll straighten everything out.
[IN IRISH ACCENT]
Wee! Your Uncle Nicky, you say?
The greasy organ grinder's probably
knee-deep in a meatball sandwich.
- Dana.
- Dana. There ain't a day go by...
...I don't arrest myself a nigger.
- Dana!
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Hey, man.
- Uncle Nicky, that's my brother Dana.
- That's nice. What the hell is going on here?
That Irish cop is a ball buster.
He didn't believe you was my uncle.
- Why would he? Look at you.
- He called me a stovepipe.
Never mind with that
oversensitive black nonsense.
Come on, get out of there.
Hurry up.
- Oh, God, I'm full.
- Oh, let me help you.
Oh, man.
Hey, that was delicious. Thank you.
Good cook. Tastes just like chicken.
MARIA: Oh, good.
- She's great. She's great.
- George.
- Yeah.
I needed to drive down here
and to look you in the eye...
...and talk to you man to man.
You know that Renato,
excuse me, Leroy...
...he traveled down that river
almost 100 miles.
This is my baby Leroy
just after he was born.
Did you breast-feed Renato?
Because...
I was just wondering. He was
a little scrawny when I found him.
[LAUGHS]
It's so funny you should say that,
because yes, I did breast-feed Leroy...
...and that's how I know he wasn't
scrawny when you stole him.
You know, George,
I had your son for 20 years...
...and the guilt, it was terrible.
And every day, the more I grew to
love him, the more the guilt went away.
Until one day, I felt that he was my son.
It's okay, it's okay.
This is the picture of Leroy
after he was baptized.
We had him baptized too, just in case.
Just in case what?
When Renato gets to heaven, you know...
...maybe that Lutheran thing
won't be enough.
Well, I think it's probably that Catholic
thing that wasn't enough...
...because after all,
he is going with a Jewish girl.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I see.
So Renato should get rid of the Jewish one
and find himself a nice black one?
Well, it would keep the Klan
off the doorstep.
I'm not going in there.
Hello.
[SPEAKS IN YIDDISH]
Mrs. Butterman, please open the door.
I just wanna talk to Alli.
Can you get her?
MYRNA: She doesn't live here anymore.
Go away or I'll call the cops!
Oh, you the man.
You should run for mayor of this town.
Mrs. Butterman, I met you
at the community center, remember?
- It's me, Renato, her boyfriend.
- Not my Alli. She dates a surgeon.
- A surgeon?
DANA: Let's go.
MYRNA: I'm dialing!
DANA: Let's go. Let's get out of here.
DANA:
Let's go.
THELMA: You bitch!
MARIA: You're the bitch!
[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]
[SPEAKS GIBBERISH]
[ENZO SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
GEORGE: Thelma! Thelma!
- What?
- Mama's Hot Sauce.
- Back off me!
I'll cut you two and him and his mama.
[BUDD Y IMITATING
RADIO CHANGING STATIONS]
- Come in, Tokyo. Come in, Tokyo.
- Ow!
Don't really turn them.
Oh, yeah.
Man, you should see
if Enzo would adopt me.
[PHONE RINGS]
RENATO: Hello?
- Hey, Renato.
- What's shaking?
- Listen, I gotta ask you something.
- Where's Nipp Su?
- She's right here.
All right, do me a favor. Tell her
she's gotta give me Alli's new address.
- Hang on. He needs Alli's address.
- Not his business.
- After the way he talked to her.
- Buddy.
- Buddy.
- Come on, it's Renato. Give it to me.
[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
- She's not home anyway.
- Hello?
- She's with Dr. Finklestein.
- Who is he?
They're practicing for the talent show
and going for dinner at Rosa's Place.
Hello?
- Hey.
- What'd she say?
You're not gonna like this.
You are so juggling keys right now.
Excuse me, sir,
do you have a reservation?
I'm gonna be right out.
Why don't we just leave the car here?
Yeah, right.
Hey, man, I know how we could
pass the time. Get in the car.
Cool. You got 10 minutes.
I got this one, man.
Scusa, I don't believe the person
you're looking for is here.
[IN ITALIAN]
[IN ENGLISH]
You don't speak Italian, do you?
- No, I don't.
- It's not a problem.
[IN ITALIAN]
Thank you, sir.
Mmm!
Fantastic.
To us.
Out of the hospital, into real life.
ALLl:
Easy there.
Renato. Um...
This is Dr. Finklestein.
If you wanna date this wimp,
that's fine...
...but you should have said something to me
instead of making me look like a fool.
Have a nice dinner.
I promise you one thing...
...that we raised your boy with all the love
we could find in our hearts.
Good. A lot of love.
And that is the only thing
I have to be proud of.
- Good for you.
- Everything else, okay.
- Okay, so...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
DANA:
How do we get in?
They're always home.
Hey, Dana...
...is there a trick, you know,
that you might have up your sleeve...
...that could get us inside?
Oh, door's locked, ask the nigga,
he'll break in, huh?
Oh, no, Dana. No. No!
Watch out.
Hey, you two ladies gonna behave?
How come God couldn't make
everyone one color?
Like tan.
Then there'd be no niggas or crackers.
What was he thinking?
Well, why don't you thank
horny-ass Adam and Eve for that?
Getting busy in the garden
when God told them not to.
He only asked two things:
Don't get busy,
don't be eating no apples.
Did they listen? No.
Crackers never listen.
That's why he kicked them out the
garden and sent them to the ghetto.
And that's in the Bible, like...
...Peter, Paul and Mary
or something like that.
[RENATO SINGING]
What's up with you, man?
This is the new me. No more veal
scaloppine, no more fried catfish.
I'm neutral like Switzerland.
Boom. Renato.
I meant you waking me up with that
singing Julie Andrews crap.
Oh, we got a talent show to crash.
We? Let me know how it turns out.
Dana, I need you. Come on.
RENATO: We're on our way to the
talent show and it would mean a lot...
...if you would all come. Thanks, Ma.
If you leave now,
you should make it.
Okay, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah. How about those gimps, huh?
Let's hear it for them.
I hope you liked their singing, because
they sure don't have a dance number.
[NIPP SU SINGING]
NIPP SU:
It's good.
Don't make me go in there. I'll take you
to the best sushi joint in town.
- I'll go to Japan if I have to.
- No deal, you promised.
- Whatever. Go get my thing, all right?
- Thank you, Buddy-san.
Alli will be so happy.
And me too.
Here we go.
Hi.
Oh.
- Good luck, Alli.
- Thank you.
Remember, show no mercy,
take no prisoners.
This is from Buddy. He wanted you
to have a standing ovation.
- Buddy's here?
- Mm-hm.
He's at our seats.
So has anyone heard anything
from Renato?
FINKLESTEIN [SINGING]:
Who's there?
Pray tell
Who knocks upon my door?
It's the sandman.
[GRUNTS]
Good night, sleeping ugly.
You know, folks, this has been
our most fabulous...
...fiscally fundraising event
we have ever held.
Give yourselves a hand.
It's absolutely on account of you.
- All the way up there?
- All the way up there.
- All the way?
- All the way.
- Come on.
- Look, maybe you didn't know this...
...because you was Italian, but brothers
don't like ropes and heights.
I'm gonna go talk to the band leader.
She wants a show,
I'm gonna give her a show.
Better be a white girl in this for me too.
MAN:
Ten more minutes.
DANA:
My white brother is gonna get me killed.
MAN:
This evening's finale...
...a duet featuring our very own
Dr. Edward Elliott Finklestein...
...and nurse Alli Butterman,
singing that Shakespearean favorite:
"Henceforth Be Thoust Mine."
Let's hear it for them, everybody.
[GASPING]
Shh.
[SINGING]
[PEOPLE GASPING]
Uh.
[SINGING "I'M IN THE MOOD
FOR LO VE"]
Thanks, Dana.
WOMAN:
Oh, my God.
What's he...? Oh, no, no, no!
Oh, my God.
BUDD Y:
Go ahead, Renato, plant one on her.
- Uh!
- Oh.
MAN:
One more time, come on.
All right, here I come, baby.
CROWD:
Oh!
MYRNA: Where's my baby?
MAN: Is he all right?
Oh, my God, your lips
are almost as big as mine.
Shut up and bow.
Hi. You must be Renato...
I mean, Leroy's...
I mean, the kid's parents.
I'm Myrna Butterman, I'm Alli's mommy.
Oh.
Lady, what's wrong with you?
- I've just been a giant schmuck.
- Schmuck? What's a schmuck?
Uh... Well, it means...
...I haven't been entirely honest
with your son, or my daughter.
I tried to raise Alli
in a strict Jewish tradition...
...so she would have something
to pass on to her children.
- There's nothing wrong with being a Jew.
- No.
Some of our best friends are Jews.
Look, I'm Jewish, that's all I know,
but the fact is, Alli is not.
She's a Cuban refugee that floated
over here on a raft made out of coconuts.
When my dear, sweet husband Maury died,
I vowed never to tell her.
Your daughter loves my son...
...and I've never seen a young woman
happier than she is.
Do you know why she's able to love him
the way that she does?
- No.
- Because she learned how to love...
...when she was a little girl.
So you need to pat yourself on the back
for doing a good job.
Hey, guys.
Call me Myrna, would you?
Hi, sweetheart.
She wants to tell you how much
she loves you. You love your daughter.
I love you. I love you.
RENATO: You remember how I said
there's two kinds of people?
Italians and people who wish they were.
Through all this, I've learned that everyone
shines in their own way.
And if you got one person in your life
who really loves you...
...then consider yourself lucky.
Me, I hit the jackpot.
Ma!
What about me, Ma?
You knew me longer.
Get me down!
Hey, hey, hey!
Don't you turn down the lights.
Okay, this ain't funny.
Hey, where you going? I'm talking to you,
fatty. Sit your ass back in that seat.
WOMAN [IN ITALIAN]:
[IN ITALIAN]
[GASPS]
WOMAN [IN ITALIAN]:
[BABY CRYING]
[SCREAMS]
[SCREAMS]
MARIA [IN ITALIAN]:
America?
RENATO [IN VOICEO VER]: My parents
taught me there's two kinds of people.
Italians...
...and people who wish they were.
Right out of the womb,
I craved spaghetti.
My mother said I didn't
even eat baby food.
See that spoon? That's like training wheels
for a spaghetti bender.
Now I work at my pop's deli.
My best friend Buddy, he gives me a ride
in exchange for my best sandwich:
The Guinea Pig,
which I named after him.
[HORN HONKS MELOD Y]
Don't mind the horn.
Buddy's all about his wheels.
Hey, numskull, do you always have to
drive on the frigging sidewalk?
Do I beef when people
walk on the street? Eh?
[SINGING "VOLARE"]
[MUSIC STOPS]
What are you doing?
You don't like Dino?
I like Dino just fine. It's just that,
is that all you ever listen to?
Come on, don't be such a twat.
I like to sing. It gets me fired up for work.
Why don't you go on American Idol?
There's no way I'm singing in front of
real people. I'll feel like a fag.
Look what my grandmother got me.
- Look at that.
- It's an air freshener, for chrissakes.
- You can get that anywhere.
- Not just any air freshener.
It's a Scratch n' Sniff air freshener.
Go ahead, scratch it, smell it.
It's like she's blowing a fart
right in your face.
So we're on for Lucifer's tonight?
RENATO: Tonight's my volunteer night
at the dog pound.
- I'll see you later.
BUDD Y: All right.
[SINGING]
[BELL RINGS]
Buon giorno, Shannon.
What can I do for you?
You've gotta help me, Renato.
Angelo wants me to make some aglio olio.
If you're gonna make it, you're gonna
have to learn how to pronounce it first.
Repeat after me.
Here's the easy way:
- A...
- A...
...glio olio.
...glio olio.
Like Yo-Yo with an L.
Aglio olio.
Very good. All right,
so first you're gonna need some of this.
You are definitely gonna need
some of the good stuff.
A few bulbs of garlic and,
boom, you're set.
Now, this is what I want you to do.
You follow these directions right here...
...and you'll have no problem.
- You are a lifesaver, Renato.
- I know this.
- Keep the change.
Wow, a magazine cover.
You guys are famous.
Your dad must be so proud.
Yeah, he's proud, all right. He autographs
the wrappers on people's cold cuts.
Congratulations, Renato.
RENATO:
Shannon, wait.
- This is for you, signorina.
- Thanks, Renato.
RENATO: Eh. You take care.
- Okay.
[RENATO SINGING]
[ALLI LAUGHS]
Hi, I'm Alli. Would you mind
giving me a tour?
No, no, no. Absolutely. No problem.
You know, you have
a nice singing voice.
- How long were you standing there for?
- Just for, like, one second.
All right, cool.
- But I watched it from the window.
- Oh, God, I feel like an idiot.
You looked like
you were enjoying yourself.
Uh...
What kind of dog did you have in mind?
I'm sorry. You pull off that whole
Sinatra singing-dancing thing really well.
- Oh, that's because I'm Italian.
- Yeah, right.
No, I am. Seriously, I swear to God.
Listen, I was born in Italy,
then we moved here when I was a baby.
Okay, prove it. Say something in Italian.
[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]
Dare I ask what that means?
- You're standing in dog piss. Yeah.
- Oh.
It's all right, don't worry.
So my mother, right,
she says Italians are like diamonds.
- We come in all different shades.
- Okay.
Back to business.
What kind of doggy are you looking for?
Mm. I want personality.
RENATO: Hey, you know what, Major here,
he'd be a loyal soldier.
He would dive on a grenade for you.
Yeah, except shepherds,
they're really protective.
He might chew up your husband.
I'm not married.
Oh, what a pretty coat.
RENATO:
That's what Afghans are known for.
Yeah. Except when they do number two,
it sticks to their long hair.
Cleaning it is like trying to get peanut butter
out of a shag carpet, I'm telling you.
Plus, your boyfriend might get
tennis elbow brushing her.
I don't have a boyfriend.
And before you slide into the next
subtle question, no, I don't live alone.
I live with my parents.
Oh, that's cool. So do I.
I'll have my own place in a month
or two, if everything goes right.
Well, what could go wrong?
There's a lot of politics at the hospital.
How often do you feed these guys
lunch meat? It must get expensive.
Oh, no, not really. I work at my dad's deli,
and I just feed them the scraps.
As a matter of fact, Enzo's Deli,
right there on Main Street. It's in Little Italy.
You come by sometime.
Lunch will be on me.
Thanks.
Maybe I will.
[MARIA SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]
- You hungry?
- No, I'm all right. I'm gonna take a shower.
Okay, hurry up. Uncle Nicky's
coming to watch the fight, okay?
Gretzky.
He shakes his last man.
He shoots. He scores!
[THUMPS]
How did things go at the store today?
Did the freezer guy come?
RENATO: Yeah, he came.
He said everything's all set.
But I don't know, Pop, he had that
faraway Polack look on his face.
Did you pay him?
When I'm sure it's working,
he'll get paid.
Bravo.
- The guy fighting Powell, he's a wop.
- Max Silvermann? That ain't Italian, Pop.
Silvermann's his old man's name.
His mother's Italian.
If the mother's Italian,
then the kid's Italian. Made in Italy.
MAN [ON TV]: Max "Silver Hammer"
Silvermann will be taking on the champion...
...Billy "Black Powder" Powell.
Yeah, he won't look like a champ once our
paisano's finished with him. Pop, pop, pop.
I don't know, that moolie looks tough.
Hey, don't use that word, okay?
Show some class.
- What do you want me to say?
- You say African-American.
African-American?
A couple of years ago, it was black...
...and then two years before that,
it was Negro.
Come on, these people
don't know what they want.
- Where'd I find you?
- I don't know...
...but I bet if you trace our roots back,
we come from some type of Italian royalty.
- I'd put my life on it.
- Renato, please...
...could you get us another beer?
Here.
Okay, when are you gonna tell this kid
the truth?
Nico, please.
Maria's happy, he's happy
and I'm happy.
[IN ITALIAN]
[NICKY SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]
ALLl: I wonder where he is.
He said he'd be here all day.
Is that him?
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
[IN ENGLISH] Alli! How you doing? I didn't
recognize you without your nurse's outfit.
Well, I do have other clothes.
I'm Nipp Su. That means
"third wheel" in Japanese.
- I'm sorry.
- How you doing?
[IN ITALIAN]
I am so sorry, Mrs. Rossi.
Here is your macaroni salad.
Anything else?
[LAUGHING]
- She's so sweet.
- Yeah, she's one of the sweetest.
Uh, why don't you have a seat over there
and I will whip up something magnifico?
Okay.
[IN ITALIAN]
Did you have to wear hot, hot pants?
Don't you think you're being obvious?
Renato's Italian.
I could use a little life in my life.
What's the matter with that surgeon guy
your mother wants you to sing with?
- He's not bad-Iooking and...
- He reminds me of one of my relatives.
You know, Jon Stewart
in Woody Allen's body.
Jon Stewart already has
Woody Allen's body.
Wait. Shh. Here he comes.
RENATO:
All right. Enjoy.
- Is that ham?
- Actually, it's imported prosciutto...
...roasted red peppers
and our finest provolone.
Oh.
- What's the matter, are you allergic?
- No.
I can't have ham for religious reasons.
You gave up ham for Lent?
I gave up chocolate.
- I'm Jewish.
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
I'm sorry. For the ham, I mean.
- I like it.
- I'm glad you like it, Nipp Su.
Don't worry about it. I'll be right back.
I hate to be a pain,
but can you not use the same bread?
The ham already touched it.
Don't even give it a second thought.
The meat will go to our pals at the pound,
the bread will feed hungry birds.
Okay.
- Sorry.
- All right.
We're supposed to go to Lucifer's, but now
you got me on a blind date with a skank.
She's not a skank.
You're gonna owe me for this one,
I swear.
- I think she's a nymph.
- How do you know?
She was wearing a toe ring.
Have you ever met a broad with a toe ring
that didn't like the banana?
- What's these broads' names?
- Alli Butterman...
- Butterman? A Heeb?
- Yeah, but you gotta see her.
Oh, my God. Listen, she dresses hot,
she knows how to goof.
I had her laughing her tits off.
She don't eat ham,
but she's not a real Jewy Jew.
Never been with a pork dodger before.
Where are we supposed to take
these broads? Shopping?
- Hey, I ain't going to no mall.
- Relax, all right?
- Yours isn't Jewish.
- Oh, why didn't you say so?
She's Japanese.
- Japanese? A Jew and a Jap?
- You need to broaden your horizons.
Well, now. What might
you two dagos be up to, then? Hm?
Why don't you take a look?
Too good for the parking lot, are you?
Typical guinea, thinking he can
use his car like a lawn chair.
Hey, my friend can't help it.
He's a sports nut.
Is he, now? Well...
Oh, lucky day,
a dago and a stovepipe.
Well, if that's not a recipe for a drug deal,
I don't know what is.
Who are you calling stovepipe?
Just give me the license, Pinocchio.
You little gangster! And do you mind
telling me what that white stuff is, then?
No, officer, look, it's guanti. All right?
That's powdered sugar.
Oh, sure it is. That's powdered sugar
like you're a dago, you lying stovepipe.
Why don't we call Uncle Nicky,
tell him to come to the police station?
Oh, Uncle Nicky, is it?
Sergeant Nicky Pollina, all right?
His wife is my Aunt Rose.
She made those pastries.
So why don't you quit with the insults,
you whiskey-faced, potato...?
I'll be checking with Sergeant Pollina.
In the meantime...
...keep your guinea gondola off the grass
in my neck of the woods. Got me?
- What an asshole.
- Never mind him.
Wipe your face,
we got a date to think about.
Help me with this top, all right?
RENATO:
Look at these houses. Oh, my God.
Wow.
I didn't know Jews played basketball.
There are a lot of basketball hoops.
All right, pay attention.
We're looking for 112.
That's 22 right there.
We got a ways to go.
- Hey. Look at these two dizzy broads.
- Holy crap, that's them. Stop. Stop.
ALLl: Hi.
RENATO: Hey.
- How's it going?
ALLl: Good.
- Come on, get in.
NIPP SU: Okay.
You guys, this is Buddy.
Buddy, this is Nipp Su and this is Alli.
How are you? Alli.
- Yo, I thought you said you lived at 112.
- I do.
- What are you doing all the way over here?
- My mother's kosher.
If she knew I was dating a Roman Catholic,
that would be gezaldikeh zach.
Yeah, gezaldikeh zach.
- Not a real Jewy Jew, huh?
- Knock it off.
What is it about movies
that makes you crave all this?
- Swill.
- Exactly.
I mean, look at that right there.
Tell me that doesn't look like something
that you'd find under an elephant's foreskin.
Now, this is the way to see a movie.
There's no lines,
no crowded theaters. This is great.
I didn't know they still have drive-ins.
They haven't had them
in Japan for years.
That's because Godzilla crushed them all.
[LAUGHS]
I'm just teasing you.
Hey, I think it's really cool that
you're Japanese, you know?
My uncle went there once.
- Really? What part?
- Hong Kong.
He said you guys
are really friendly as hell.
MAN [O VER SPEAKERS]:
America's sweethearts Ashton Kutcher...
...and Demi Moore star
in Harold and Maude.
Do you believe in love at first sight?
Why not? I mean...
...that's what I always say, why not?
Me too.
Then I guess I'm in love
with Ashton Kutcher.
That candy-ass? He wouldn't last
five minutes with you.
- Why not?
- Because I'd bust his sternum.
I think it's so cute
when Italian guys get jealous.
You always wanna bust something.
- I don't usually do this.
- Oh, me neither.
- What are you doing?
- Shh.
Come here.
Scootch down here.
All right. Now, just reach in there
like you're grabbing some popcorn.
The butter makes it slippery.
Want one?
ALLl:
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
I am so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
[SINGING]
I'm in the mood for love
Easy, Zorro. Let's take it slow.
I don't wanna take it slow.
How can I speed things up?
Well, you can sing with me
in the talent show.
What talent show?
The hospital's sponsoring a talent show,
my mother's the director.
She's trying to get me to sing a duet
with Dr. Finklestein.
Who's Finklestein?
Remember when you mooned me
in the operating room?
Well, the surgeon was Dr. Finklestein.
Oh, well, that sucks. Why him?
My mother thinks she's being slick,
but I know she made a deal with him.
She gets me to sing a duet with him
and he makes me a surgical assistant.
What's with all
the cloak-and-dagger bullshit?
She's a Jewish mother. She wants me
to marry a rich Jewish doctor...
...but make it seem like
it was all meant to be.
- Frig that. Don't do it!
- But I want to.
It's one of the few fun things
about the hospital.
- Yeah, but him and you?
- Then rescue me.
You don't have to bust anyone's sternum,
just sing with me.
I don't know about singing in public.
I'll feel stupid.
Do you think Frank Sinatra felt stupid?
And he always got the girl.
Please?
Just come with me and audition.
Your mom's not gonna freak out
about you dating a Catholic?
Let me handle my mother.
All right.
Oh, Alli baby.
You want me to sing...
...I'll sing.
[SINGING] Alli baby
You drive me crazy
Doing those things
That you do
When I see you
I can't believe you
Would do those damn things
That you do
[FARTS]
Whoo.
[SINGING] When you're feeling so fine
And your farts smell like wine
That's amo...
Hi.
[IN ITALIAN]
[IN ENGLISH]
Talk to your mother.
Leroy. My baby.
Leroy? Wait, who's Leroy?
[IN ITALIAN]
[IN ENGLISH]
Hey, lady, do me a favor.
Could you back up a little bit?
You're starting to freak me out.
- We are your real parents.
- My parents? Pop!
It's the truth.
- Come down here, son.
- Please, don't call me that, all right?
I used to call you my little mocha frog...
...because you had webbing
between the toes of your right foot.
[LAUGHS]
RENATO: There's no webbing.
This is all a mistake. It's a mistake.
Pop, tell her it's a mistake.
I had the webbing removed when you were
a kid. You used to swim in circles.
- Leroy!
- Oh, God! Oh, God! No!
No, it's okay. It's okay.
That's my boy!
- It's okay, Renato.
- That's my boy.
- Yes, yes.
- That's my boy.
- Leroy!
- No, no. Please.
Where the Virgin Mary at?
All right.
How did I wind up in Italy...
...in a basket, floating down a river?
Son...
...I just wanna, you know,
apologize, and...
I love you.
And that day, it was just too much.
I mean, your mother, she can't swim.
She can't even drink water.
And the man, he couldn't swim,
and you got away from me...
You know what, George?
Why don't you let me tell the story?
Because I know the story. I can tell it.
Do you mind?
I'm sorry, son.
Go on.
Your father entered a contest
to name a chicken sandwich.
It's some Italian thing. I don't know.
He won us a trip to Italy.
We went, we saw everything.
We saw the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
We saw the Sistine Chapel. We saw
Italian people who tried to rip us off.
That's beside the point.
He decided we were gonna go
on a gondola ride.
Do you remember that, the gondola ride?
- I said...
- You ain't let me forgotten.
"George, I do not want to go on a gondola,
because I cannot swim. I don't like water."
He knows that.
On to the gondola we go.
I have a basket with you in it...
...your brother Dana and your father...
...who has snuck on to this gondola
a pouch of wine.
So we're going along and he's partying,
now he's having a good old time.
He wanna get down.
He gonna get his drunk on, see?
And he decides to stand up and wave
like the queen to people on either side.
"Yeah! How you doing?
How you doing?"
Loud, ugly American,
you know how they talk about us.
And he picked that thing up
and he starts squeezing that wine.
He rocking the boat. I said,
"Sit down, you're rocking the boat."
"Don't tell me what to do!"
And boom, the gondola flips over.
I say to your father, "Save the kids."
He says, "No, no, I wanna save you."
I said, "Get the kids!"
He doesn't do that.
He's arguing with me
as I'm going up and down in the water.
I said, "Save the..."
[GURGLES]
The next thing you know, he caught Dana,
he had me by my hair...
...and by the time he got around to it...
...the basket was gone.
We couldn't find you.
And we looked everywhere, we did.
So that's what happened?
So that's what happened?
Well, that's it. And then, of course,
I saw your picture on the magazine...
...and it's not like I could forget
this face. I mean, this is him.
This is him. When he was young,
this is how hot he was.
That's how I knew it was you.
And I called over there...
...I said, "I think this is my son."
The man said, "No, no, no."
I said, "Oh, yes."
And then he finally said,
"Well, come on up here."
So that's how we got here, and...
...it's you.
- It's you.
- It is, son.
We want you just to come visit us
for a while.
You got a brother
who would love to meet you.
Oh, guys, I don't know. I got a job
that I'm working really hard at, and...
Uh, I got friends that, you know, we...
If you could just come for a couple
of days. Just for a couple days.
You don't have to stay.
Just come see us for a little while.
Can I think about it?
BUDD Y:
So let me get this straight.
They brought you all the way to Italy
and dropped you in a river?
Couldn't they have just
tossed you in a dumpster?
So did you tell Alli yet?
Hey, she was all worried
about me being Catholic...
...now I gotta tell her I'm a moolinyam?
You know what, you've been real good
about her being a Jew. She owes you one.
Man.
You know what? I never had a friend
that was a nig... I mean...
...black.
Yeah, you have. Your whole life,
you've had one.
You should get checked
for that sickle-cell thing.
That can kill you.
I don't know why you don't wanna sing
with that nice Dr. Finklestein.
He did you a big favor, you know.
Hit me. Busted.
He did you a favor, Ma.
Besides, Renato's got a beautiful voice...
...and who knows more about singing
than Italians?
She's got a point there, Myrna.
- Today, Shirley.
- I'll stay.
Italian, that's not so bad.
My niece is engaged
to a French-Canadian.
I hear he's not even circumcised.
Oh, I think I'd have to boil it
before I went near one of those.
Oh, blackjack. Thank you, ladies.
Well, he is circumcised, isn't he, Alli?
How would she know?
Only my daughter would give up
the chance to be with a surgeon.
A Jewish surgeon.
Here he is now.
A shvartzer?
Agnes, what do you got hiding
in your bag? Something strong.
- Percocet and nitroglycerin.
MYRNA: Give me one of each.
You can't take those together.
Now, quit it and don't embarrass me.
He's a little dark because
he's right from Italy, okay?
Renato, this is my mom and her friends
Agnes and Shirley.
- Hey.
- Nice to meet you.
And what part of Italy are you from?
Baltimore.
- What?
- Uh...
I was born in Baltimore.
My real parents lost me
while on vacation in Italy.
ALLl:
What are you talking about?
My Italian parents were lying to me
the whole time.
One second.
He seems nice.
Look, all right?
They just showed up at my house.
And you never suspected anything,
all this time?
No, why should I?
I came over on a boat from Italy.
You never questioned your skin color?
If the Jewish princess is too good
to date me, just say so.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry,
I didn't mean that.
Listen, they want me to come visit.
What do you think?
I think that's a good idea.
I think it's a real good idea.
Alli...
How you doing?
I'm fine.
GEORGE:
Leroy, how you feeling?
Hungry, son?
[SCREAMS]
Don't you wanna eat?
What's wrong with you?
RENATO:
Oh. Yeah, nothing.
They're just apples, son.
I'm sorry I yelled.
GEORGE:
Home sweet home.
[MAN SINGING]
Dana.
Dana! Turn the damn music off.
Turn that shit off.
What, you hard of hearing, boy?
Sorry.
Anybody else up in here?
There's a party going on.
Dana, this is your dead brother, Leroy.
- What's up, nigga?
- Hey, ain't no niggas in this house.
They might be next door, but they're not
in this house. We're family.
That's right.
Leroy, just put your hand out.
Just gently pat it there.
- That's how it's done.
- Oh.
How you doing?
Isn't this something?
After 22 years, here is your brother.
You know, the one that
everybody said was dead.
"Forget about it." Everybody told me
you were dead, but I knew you weren't.
I felt it. Mamas know things like that.
But people would say,
"Move on. Let it go. He's dead."
We bought you a burial plot...
...but I wouldn't put anything in there,
not even a rock.
Because I knew. Because mamas know.
And don't think I don't
see what he's doing.
"Life is for the living. He's never
coming back. He's dead, dead, dead."
But you see that sign?
It's been up for 22 years.
Come upstairs with me,
I'm gonna show you your room.
Okay. Go on straight through,
and on your right...
...you're gonna be staying
with your brother Dana.
Get yourself settled in.
I'm gonna go downstairs, start supper.
You like soul food?
I've never had it before.
Well, there's no tomato sauce on it.
You be all right with that?
- Yeah. All right.
- Okay.
All this jungle music.
- Dana!
- Ow.
Take that hat off at the table.
God, that boy's too much.
So, Leroy, do you like your catfish?
RENATO:
It's different.
Different than what? Dogfish?
Hey, hey, hey. Look, you know,
I was born in Louisiana...
...and we got catfish bigger
and longer than this table...
...and one just swallowed
a woman whole...
...and when they cut the catfish open,
there she was, dead as a doornail...
...holding onto that purse like this.
Just:
He got her, but he wasn't
gonna get that money.
Hey, hey, hey, that's ketchup.
Put that down. Ketchup!
Ketchup and cottage cheese,
that's for white folks.
You want this, Mama's Hot Sauce.
Mmm.
Mama's Louisiana Hot Sauce.
This is good.
- George.
- Yeah.
I think Leroy knows a little something
about food.
After all, he is in the food business.
Be careful with that.
That'll have you crapping fireballs.
Excuse me, this is the dinner table.
- Yo, so you own a restaurant?
- No, a deli.
And I don't own it, my father does.
- I'm sorry.
- It's all right, don't worry about it.
- You eat for free?
- Uh, yeah.
Shit, that's what I'm talking about.
I'd be eating...
This is the dinner table,
I don't wanna hear that shit.
George.
- I don't wanna hear that.
- Thank you.
Leroy, is there a special young lady
in your life?
That's what I'm talking about. Big old
Italian booty? Man, I'd be all over that.
Dana, why would you tell a lie like that
at the table?
Look what happened when Mrs. Johnson
showed you hers. You ran.
Mrs. Johnson's booty
look like a bag of nickels.
And you ran away, crying like a baby.
Mrs. Johnson's got so many kids,
they call her house the shoe.
Actually, I do have a girlfriend. Yeah.
But she's not Italian.
- She's vanilla, though, isn't she?
- Kind of. She's Jewish.
Brother got a Jewish girl, Pop.
He's Sammy Davis Jr. Over there.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ON STEREO]
Hey, where should I put my stuff?
Throw it in the closet.
Ahh! Yeah.
That's it right there. You feeling that?
Not really.
Why? What's wrong with it?
Well, to be honest with you, they don't
sing, they don't play any instruments...
...and they're doing some nursery-rhyme
mumbo jumbo.
[MUSIC STOPS]
It's not about playing instruments.
It's the language of our people.
A voice from the 'hood.
I'm sorry, I always thought that was
just some no-talent bull crap.
Rocky Balboa, you don't know shit.
Rocky Balboa, oh, my God.
That's my favorite movie.
Hit my fist like you did downstairs.
Come on. Come on.
Oh! Rocky! Rocky!
[MAN FARTING AND SQUIRTING]
[FARTING AND SQUIRTING]
[GASPS]
I didn't say I was done there, string bean.
Now, get in there and clean me up.
Get every nook and cranny or I'll tell
the doctor what a bitch you've been.
- That won't be necessary.
- Hey! I didn't order...
Out. It doesn't have to be this way.
What way?
You mean this? Why would this
bother me? I'm a nurse.
You know what's interesting...
...these stainless-steel bedpans
heat up like a porcelain teacup.
Stop it. Stop it!
That's not why I came in here.
I wanted to make a deal. If you'll sing
with me in the talent show...
I'm back in the O. R?
Yes. Yes, you are.
MAN 1:
Come on. Where your skills at?
MAN 2: That's you, that's it.
Take it to the hole.
MAN 3:
Oh, man!
Come on, over here, man. Yeah.
Back over here.
MAN 1:
Yo, yo, post, man.
MAN 4: Back him down.
MAN 5: You better stick...
Come on, baby.
Leroy, you in. Come on, man.
MAN 1: Play some defense, come on.
- Leroy, come on, you in. Leroy!
Shit. I'm sorry, man. I was calling you.
Let's play ball.
These guys look really good.
They ain't got shit. Listen, take the shot
if you got it, pass if you don't.
DANA: Stay on your man, yo.
Stay on your man.
- Don't chase the ball. Stay on your man!
MAN 1: Right here, man.
Bounce the ball, man.
Put your hands up. Play some defense.
Stay in front of him.
Move your feet.
Okay, Leroy time now. Here you go.
You got two hands, Leroy.
Oh, wow, okay.
There you go, Leroy.
Oh.
DANA: Yeah, there you go.
MAN 1: Over here.
DANA: It's not kickball. Put your hands up.
Play some defense. There you go.
- What'd I do?
- You hacked me.
It's a real call. Don't worry.
I would've called it on your ass too.
- This is a pussy game, Dana.
- Hey.
Okay.
Feet on the ground.
Move to the basket.
Got you all day, man.
You gotta pass that shit now, baby.
You and him, Leroy. You and him.
Yo! What the hell was that?
- What?
- You charged me.
- Well, you was in the way, so...
- Get your monkey ass off the court.
- I think you...
- Hey!
Will somebody please remove this nigga
off the court before I fold him up?
This guy...
- You Oreo cookie mother...
- Hold up, hold up.
- Get his ass out of here.
- It's all good. Relax.
- This guy, he's got a big mouth, Dana.
- What?
Hold up, yo. Hold up.
RENATO: I'm sorry. We didn't play
basketball in my neighborhood.
DANA:
We're not in your neighborhood.
You turned a game of basketball
into a hockey brawl.
- Is that how you make friends?
- Fine, I won't play basketball anymore.
It's not just that.
It's the way you walk, talk, act.
You know what, you are a Oreo cookie.
I understand you grew up
around white people, but get over it.
It's like you not even trying.
Trying? What should I be
trying to do, huh?
You see this? You see this over here?
I was raised Italian, all right?
This is who I am.
- This is me.
- Hold this one second.
- Close your eyes.
- What?
Just close them.
Open them.
Well?
All right, I can see how someone
might mistake me for a black.
Mistake?
MAN: My car! Hey!
- Come on, man. Run!
Come here! Hey!
MAN: Hey, Buddy, you're all set.
I'm gonna bring you down.
- Hey, how are them brakes?
MAN: Brakes are good.
Good.
[IN ITALIAN]
Hey, I could really go for some linguine
and clams right now, what do you say?
We can't go in there, man.
It's all Fat Tony, Mafioso, machine-gun...
You watch too much television.
I promise you, this place is gonna be great.
Mangiamo, it's on me, all right?
Hey, how's it going? Two.
It's gonna be at least a two-hour wait.
Two hours?
Welcome to my ristorante, gentlemen.
[IN ITALIAN]
[IN ENGLISH]
Enjoy your meal.
So should I put your name down?
DANA:
We gonna eat or what?
I left my wallet at home.
This ain't a date.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING
ON TV]
Turn that damn TV down.
What are you, hard of hearing?
- Oh, Leroy, it's you.
- Yeah.
Looking good, boy. You're looking good.
You look sharp.
You remind me of me when I was young.
Billy Dee Williams had nothing on me.
I want you to picture this.
Back in the day...
...I had on my platform shoes,
they were alligator, they were sharp.
Long, velvet, blue jacket. I had my hat on,
it was all pulled down over my eye.
I had a feather on the side. Pimp!
I made all the young girls buckle
their knees. It was like Joe Frazier...
...and that left hook.
Hey, son. I know it's been hard on you.
It's been more frustrating than anything.
Everybody's taking me the wrong way.
I know I'm black,
I'm just not good at it yet.
Takes practice.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
It's Alli, man.
If she looks as good as she sounds...
...that's one sweet potato pie.
Uh, miss, he's on the crapper.
He'll be off soon.
When he gets off,
I'll make sure he calls you. Bye, sweetie.
What's wrong with you?
What you afraid of?
I'm not afraid of anything.
I just don't know what to say to her.
Look, I'm your father, I love you...
...and I know it's hard
not knowing who you are...
...where you come from,
and when you don't know who you are...
...who are your real parents,
you don't know...
Look...
...if I find out that you ashamed
of being black...
...I will knock the shit out of you.
I'll bite your ear off like Mike Tyson.
- You understand?
- All right.
Now, stop all this sissy bitching shit
and go call that pretty young thing.
Here, Jim Brown.
Look, I believe you didn't know,
but the way you told me really sucked.
In front of my mom and her friends?
Why couldn't you confide in me first?
Because I didn't know how
you would react. I was nervous.
- You had no trouble telling Buddy.
- Yeah, but he's my best friend.
Thanks a lot.
What's up with that chain?
You look like the black pope.
- Where's Leroy? We gonna be late.
- He's on the phone with his girlfriend.
- Are you still singing with me?
- Can I tell you in a day or two?
- We don't have much time.
- What do you want from me?
I don't know. A big, fat, spontaneous yes
would have been nice.
- Or an apology.
- Apology?
Apology, my ass!
We had to make getaways
like Bonnie and Clyde...
...just to go out on a date
because I was Catholic.
Or can't I come in your house because
I don't have curlicues and a beanie?
Oh!
[SPEAKS IN HEBREW]
This is a bad idea, man.
They're all gonna laugh at me.
Come on, bro.
You're losing your cool, man.
You gotta get your head
out of Little Italy, okay?
You already made the jump,
now just go with it.
- The one and only Dana!
- Hey, baby. What's going on, man?
- I'm good.
- All right.
- Yo, this is my brother Leroy.
- Leroy! What's going on, Africa?
- All right. How you doing?
- Yeah, yeah.
All right. Oh, you wanna...? Okay.
One, two, three, you're pinned, right?
Ah!
- Right? Come on.
- What you doing, kid?
- I thought we was thumb wrestling.
- It's a long story.
RENATO:
Oh, I'm so sorry.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ON STEREO]
[GASPS]
[GRO ANS]
Yo, bro. Everybody in this piece
got the munchies.
Everybody in this piece is black.
And this is a real spear.
[SPEAKS GIBBERISH]
The hell are you drinking?
Don't ever do that again.
Go in the kitchen
and see if you can whip something up.
I don't know what this guy's got.
What do you want me to make?
I want you to make friends.
All right. Man of the house.
That's me.
[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]
WOMAN:
Thanks.
My brother.
Yeah, yeah. He's all right. He's all right.
FINKLESTEIN:
That was your first flatliner, wasn't it?
Alli, the O.R. Isn't always a happy place.
Huh? Oh.
I'm sorry. I was thinking
about my boyfriend.
Or ex-boyfriend. I don't even know
what he is right now.
Oops. Sorry. I was just...
Is that the fella that was gonna
sing with you in the talent show?
- Yeah.
- Ah.
Alli, you know, sometimes
these things happen for a reason.
You know, this Italian fella probably
wasn't the right guy for you.
He's not Italian.
- He's not?
- No.
Well, your mom just happened
to mention in passing that...
- In passing?
- Oh, come on, Alli.
Your mother cares about you.
And so do I.
If he's not Italian, then what is he?
I don't wanna get into it.
Hey there, I thought I heard you come in.
Can you hand me that chicken, please?
Sure.
Now, this is my specialty,
which I made just for you...
...because I knew you'd be coming home
from that party and you'd be hungry.
Thelma, I gotta be honest with you,
I'm not a huge fan of fried chicken.
RENATO:
Mmm, mm, mm.
THELMA: So you like that chicken, huh?
- I love the chicken.
This is very good, Thelma.
- Leroy, can I ask you a question?
- Sure.
- How you doing?
- I'm fine.
Leroy.
- How are you doing?
- Uh...
Well, my life has been flipped
upside down.
I got two mothers, two fathers...
...a new brother and a girlfriend.
And all I can do is think about her.
I understand that.
I know what that's like, to have a big hole
in your heart and you get that longing.
- I'm sorry.
- Why?
Well, because, you know,
you've been through a lot...
...and here I am trying to dump
all my shitty little problems on you.
Come on, now, that was a long time ago,
and you're here now...
...and so now your shitty little problems
are my shitty little problems.
Can I ask a favor of you?
Sure.
Do you think maybe
you could call me Ma?
Just once. I will never...
I promise you, I will never ask again...
...if you just...
Sure, Mom.
Leroy, I lied. Could you do it
one more time, please?
Mom.
So you like this girl, huh?
I love her.
Well, then I think you have to jump
on that big old white horse...
...and go charging down there
and swoop her up.
- I can't do that.
- Why not?
I blew it. I blew it like:
[IMITATES EXPLOSION]
Blew it. All right? She... l...
On the phone...
Leroy. This much I know.
That if you're in love,
the only way you can blow it...
...is by not trying.
- So this is your 'hood, huh?
- Yeah.
You're gonna love it.
The people here are awesome.
Awesome, Dana. Awesome.
[SIRENS WAILING]
Come on, this is bullshit. You remember
me? Nicky Pollina's my uncle.
Oh. So you are a stovepipe.
You might have your uncle fooled...
...but I knowed you was as black
as the heart of Satan.
Oh, you right, the people are awesome.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
GEORGE:
I hope it's not the Witnesses.
THELMA:
Don't open the door if it's the Witnesses.
Hey! How you doing?
Thelma, the Italians are here.
- Oh, hello. Is everything all right?
MARIA: Oh, yes, fine, it's okay.
Everything's okay.
I brought you something, melanzane.
Melanzane. Look, melanzane.
- What is it?
- Moolinyan.
Eggplant.
- Yes. I know. Come in.
MARIA: Oh, thank you very much.
- Moolinyan...
- Yeah, I got it.
I promise you, when my Uncle Nicky gets
here, he'll straighten everything out.
[IN IRISH ACCENT]
Wee! Your Uncle Nicky, you say?
The greasy organ grinder's probably
knee-deep in a meatball sandwich.
- Dana.
- Dana. There ain't a day go by...
...I don't arrest myself a nigger.
- Dana!
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Hey, man.
- Uncle Nicky, that's my brother Dana.
- That's nice. What the hell is going on here?
That Irish cop is a ball buster.
He didn't believe you was my uncle.
- Why would he? Look at you.
- He called me a stovepipe.
Never mind with that
oversensitive black nonsense.
Come on, get out of there.
Hurry up.
- Oh, God, I'm full.
- Oh, let me help you.
Oh, man.
Hey, that was delicious. Thank you.
Good cook. Tastes just like chicken.
MARIA: Oh, good.
- She's great. She's great.
- George.
- Yeah.
I needed to drive down here
and to look you in the eye...
...and talk to you man to man.
You know that Renato,
excuse me, Leroy...
...he traveled down that river
almost 100 miles.
This is my baby Leroy
just after he was born.
Did you breast-feed Renato?
Because...
I was just wondering. He was
a little scrawny when I found him.
[LAUGHS]
It's so funny you should say that,
because yes, I did breast-feed Leroy...
...and that's how I know he wasn't
scrawny when you stole him.
You know, George,
I had your son for 20 years...
...and the guilt, it was terrible.
And every day, the more I grew to
love him, the more the guilt went away.
Until one day, I felt that he was my son.
It's okay, it's okay.
This is the picture of Leroy
after he was baptized.
We had him baptized too, just in case.
Just in case what?
When Renato gets to heaven, you know...
...maybe that Lutheran thing
won't be enough.
Well, I think it's probably that Catholic
thing that wasn't enough...
...because after all,
he is going with a Jewish girl.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I see.
So Renato should get rid of the Jewish one
and find himself a nice black one?
Well, it would keep the Klan
off the doorstep.
I'm not going in there.
Hello.
[SPEAKS IN YIDDISH]
Mrs. Butterman, please open the door.
I just wanna talk to Alli.
Can you get her?
MYRNA: She doesn't live here anymore.
Go away or I'll call the cops!
Oh, you the man.
You should run for mayor of this town.
Mrs. Butterman, I met you
at the community center, remember?
- It's me, Renato, her boyfriend.
- Not my Alli. She dates a surgeon.
- A surgeon?
DANA: Let's go.
MYRNA: I'm dialing!
DANA: Let's go. Let's get out of here.
DANA:
Let's go.
THELMA: You bitch!
MARIA: You're the bitch!
[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]
[SPEAKS GIBBERISH]
[ENZO SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
GEORGE: Thelma! Thelma!
- What?
- Mama's Hot Sauce.
- Back off me!
I'll cut you two and him and his mama.
[BUDD Y IMITATING
RADIO CHANGING STATIONS]
- Come in, Tokyo. Come in, Tokyo.
- Ow!
Don't really turn them.
Oh, yeah.
Man, you should see
if Enzo would adopt me.
[PHONE RINGS]
RENATO: Hello?
- Hey, Renato.
- What's shaking?
- Listen, I gotta ask you something.
- Where's Nipp Su?
- She's right here.
All right, do me a favor. Tell her
she's gotta give me Alli's new address.
- Hang on. He needs Alli's address.
- Not his business.
- After the way he talked to her.
- Buddy.
- Buddy.
- Come on, it's Renato. Give it to me.
[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
- She's not home anyway.
- Hello?
- She's with Dr. Finklestein.
- Who is he?
They're practicing for the talent show
and going for dinner at Rosa's Place.
Hello?
- Hey.
- What'd she say?
You're not gonna like this.
You are so juggling keys right now.
Excuse me, sir,
do you have a reservation?
I'm gonna be right out.
Why don't we just leave the car here?
Yeah, right.
Hey, man, I know how we could
pass the time. Get in the car.
Cool. You got 10 minutes.
I got this one, man.
Scusa, I don't believe the person
you're looking for is here.
[IN ITALIAN]
[IN ENGLISH]
You don't speak Italian, do you?
- No, I don't.
- It's not a problem.
[IN ITALIAN]
Thank you, sir.
Mmm!
Fantastic.
To us.
Out of the hospital, into real life.
ALLl:
Easy there.
Renato. Um...
This is Dr. Finklestein.
If you wanna date this wimp,
that's fine...
...but you should have said something to me
instead of making me look like a fool.
Have a nice dinner.
I promise you one thing...
...that we raised your boy with all the love
we could find in our hearts.
Good. A lot of love.
And that is the only thing
I have to be proud of.
- Good for you.
- Everything else, okay.
- Okay, so...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
DANA:
How do we get in?
They're always home.
Hey, Dana...
...is there a trick, you know,
that you might have up your sleeve...
...that could get us inside?
Oh, door's locked, ask the nigga,
he'll break in, huh?
Oh, no, Dana. No. No!
Watch out.
Hey, you two ladies gonna behave?
How come God couldn't make
everyone one color?
Like tan.
Then there'd be no niggas or crackers.
What was he thinking?
Well, why don't you thank
horny-ass Adam and Eve for that?
Getting busy in the garden
when God told them not to.
He only asked two things:
Don't get busy,
don't be eating no apples.
Did they listen? No.
Crackers never listen.
That's why he kicked them out the
garden and sent them to the ghetto.
And that's in the Bible, like...
...Peter, Paul and Mary
or something like that.
[RENATO SINGING]
What's up with you, man?
This is the new me. No more veal
scaloppine, no more fried catfish.
I'm neutral like Switzerland.
Boom. Renato.
I meant you waking me up with that
singing Julie Andrews crap.
Oh, we got a talent show to crash.
We? Let me know how it turns out.
Dana, I need you. Come on.
RENATO: We're on our way to the
talent show and it would mean a lot...
...if you would all come. Thanks, Ma.
If you leave now,
you should make it.
Okay, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah. How about those gimps, huh?
Let's hear it for them.
I hope you liked their singing, because
they sure don't have a dance number.
[NIPP SU SINGING]
NIPP SU:
It's good.
Don't make me go in there. I'll take you
to the best sushi joint in town.
- I'll go to Japan if I have to.
- No deal, you promised.
- Whatever. Go get my thing, all right?
- Thank you, Buddy-san.
Alli will be so happy.
And me too.
Here we go.
Hi.
Oh.
- Good luck, Alli.
- Thank you.
Remember, show no mercy,
take no prisoners.
This is from Buddy. He wanted you
to have a standing ovation.
- Buddy's here?
- Mm-hm.
He's at our seats.
So has anyone heard anything
from Renato?
FINKLESTEIN [SINGING]:
Who's there?
Pray tell
Who knocks upon my door?
It's the sandman.
[GRUNTS]
Good night, sleeping ugly.
You know, folks, this has been
our most fabulous...
...fiscally fundraising event
we have ever held.
Give yourselves a hand.
It's absolutely on account of you.
- All the way up there?
- All the way up there.
- All the way?
- All the way.
- Come on.
- Look, maybe you didn't know this...
...because you was Italian, but brothers
don't like ropes and heights.
I'm gonna go talk to the band leader.
She wants a show,
I'm gonna give her a show.
Better be a white girl in this for me too.
MAN:
Ten more minutes.
DANA:
My white brother is gonna get me killed.
MAN:
This evening's finale...
...a duet featuring our very own
Dr. Edward Elliott Finklestein...
...and nurse Alli Butterman,
singing that Shakespearean favorite:
"Henceforth Be Thoust Mine."
Let's hear it for them, everybody.
[GASPING]
Shh.
[SINGING]
[PEOPLE GASPING]
Uh.
[SINGING "I'M IN THE MOOD
FOR LO VE"]
Thanks, Dana.
WOMAN:
Oh, my God.
What's he...? Oh, no, no, no!
Oh, my God.
BUDD Y:
Go ahead, Renato, plant one on her.
- Uh!
- Oh.
MAN:
One more time, come on.
All right, here I come, baby.
CROWD:
Oh!
MYRNA: Where's my baby?
MAN: Is he all right?
Oh, my God, your lips
are almost as big as mine.
Shut up and bow.
Hi. You must be Renato...
I mean, Leroy's...
I mean, the kid's parents.
I'm Myrna Butterman, I'm Alli's mommy.
Oh.
Lady, what's wrong with you?
- I've just been a giant schmuck.
- Schmuck? What's a schmuck?
Uh... Well, it means...
...I haven't been entirely honest
with your son, or my daughter.
I tried to raise Alli
in a strict Jewish tradition...
...so she would have something
to pass on to her children.
- There's nothing wrong with being a Jew.
- No.
Some of our best friends are Jews.
Look, I'm Jewish, that's all I know,
but the fact is, Alli is not.
She's a Cuban refugee that floated
over here on a raft made out of coconuts.
When my dear, sweet husband Maury died,
I vowed never to tell her.
Your daughter loves my son...
...and I've never seen a young woman
happier than she is.
Do you know why she's able to love him
the way that she does?
- No.
- Because she learned how to love...
...when she was a little girl.
So you need to pat yourself on the back
for doing a good job.
Hey, guys.
Call me Myrna, would you?
Hi, sweetheart.
She wants to tell you how much
she loves you. You love your daughter.
I love you. I love you.
RENATO: You remember how I said
there's two kinds of people?
Italians and people who wish they were.
Through all this, I've learned that everyone
shines in their own way.
And if you got one person in your life
who really loves you...
...then consider yourself lucky.
Me, I hit the jackpot.
Ma!
What about me, Ma?
You knew me longer.
Get me down!
Hey, hey, hey!
Don't you turn down the lights.
Okay, this ain't funny.
Hey, where you going? I'm talking to you,
fatty. Sit your ass back in that seat.