Homesitters (2019) - full transcript
After accidentally blowing up the place they're supposed to be looking after, Annabelle and Simon join forces with a narcoleptic cat burglar and rob a bunch of houses to fund their escape into the wider world.
- Treat the place like your own.
Oh, and remember the downstairs toilet's
a bit tricky at the moment.
It still works, but best
to use upstairs if you can.
Was there anything else?
- Just try not to burn the place down.
And when Julie says
treat it like your own,
she doesn't mean literally.
You're a guest, so stay in the guest room.
Our room's out of bounds.
No reason to go in there.
Do you understand?
- She'll be fine.
No need for that tone.
- And try not to stay out too long.
We've already had things stolen.
- Don't say that!
You'll scare her.
It's just a couple of
garments off the washing line.
Nothing really.
- No knickers or anything like that.
- Yes, thank you.
Thanks Annabelle.
Look, here.
- You don't need to give her that.
She's been paid.
- It's not much.
- It's not a bloody charity case.
- Would you just fucking let me do
this one nice thing?!
- God's sake.
I'll be in the car.
- Here.
It's just for a bottle
of wine or something.
- Plenty of wine in the fucking house.
- Yes, thank you.
- It'd be nice to still have
some here when we get back.
- Yes, thank you.
- If you think you can control yourself.
- Yes, thank you!
Good night and thank you!
- God's sake.
- Thanks, Annabelle.
Well.
There are several advantages
to home sitting for people.
There are the obvious upsides,
like drinking their booze,
eating their food,
going through all their private stuff,
and shagging your new
boyfriend all over the place.
There's also the fact
you get to basically live
in lots of different places
that are all nicer than yours.
If you've got the money,
you can buy a house.
If you haven't, you can get fucked.
That's the polarized state of things now,
and we probably need a
revolution of some sort, but,
fuck it.
There is another major plus
for someone like me though.
I get to rob them blind,
and I don't even have to try and break in.
I can't take anything big or obvious,
but earrings, broaches, that kind of thing
is ripe for the taking,
because they very easily
could be misplaced.
Particularly if it's
something that a lot of people
are likely to own.
I've even got a lucky charm bracelet,
which after house sitting
for a lot of people,
I've got nearly all the charms full.
Take a single fork, knife,
spoon from a number of houses,
and you've soon got a full set.
Then there's things that
are just useful anyway.
Like phone chargers, candles, batteries,
and bathroom products.
And the closest I ever
come to being caught
is when they ask.
- I was just wondering.
When you were here the other night,
did you notice a pair of cuff links?
I seem to have mislaid them somewhere.
- To which I simply reply.
No, sorry.
It must be in the house somewhere though.
- Yeah, yeah, I'm sure
they're about somewhere.
I guess they'll turn up.
- Bye now.
- Thanks a lot, bye.
It's great.
I barely have to spend any time
living in my crummy little bedsit at all.
And after all the hijinks, sex, theft,
more sex, mischief, and general
defiling of your belongings,
you come home and say.
- Thank you so much.
We really appreciate it.
- Here's a little extra something for you.
That's right.
- Thank you.
Even bloody tip me for it.
My mother always accused me
of doing things half-hearted,
and never committing to anything.
Quite a good idea.
Everyone's got stuff that they never use.
And as far as I'm
concerned, that's a waste.
See, I'm not a bad person.
I just take advantage of
what you take for granted.
I'm your friendly,
neighborhood house sitter.
- Simon?
Simon?
Simon?
Hello?
- It's this one.
Yes, can I help you?
Sorry about that.
Wrong house.
What did you call me?
Bloody hipsters.
- Safe.
What's the house like then?
- It's all right.
And it's ours for a week.
Fucking mint.
So, what are these ones like then?
- A bit stuck up and weird.
They put a list of rules on the fridge,
and they banned me from
going into their bedroom.
- So what are we supposed to do?
- Well, personally, I think
we should roll up the list
and smoke it.
But first, I want to go to their bedroom,
and I want you to fuck me in their bed.
- They've got a trampoline.
- Yeah.
- Forfeit.
- What's that?
- It's the one where you don't know whether
it's Martin or Charlie til the last page.
Eat it.
Forfeit.
Annabelle, that was shit.
Shit!
What?
- Well, you know when you take out a loan?
- Yeah.
- And you don't pay it back.
- Right.
- Well if you ignore enough of the letters
they start sending people
around to find you.
- Shit.
- This job's always been really good
for hiding from them.
And now this assholes tracked me down.
You answer it.
- What?
- Yeah, tell him I'm at a funeral,
and I'm completely distraught,
and totally uncontactable.
Hello?
- Tell him I'm at a fucking funeral.
- Annabelle Hind?
- Now.
- Okay, I'm on it.
Hello.
'Sup mate?
Yeah, I'm looking
for Annabelle Hind.
Is she in?
No mate.
So, she is staying here?
Yeah, but
she's not here, you know.
Where is she please?
Funeral, very sad.
Whose funeral?
Old Aunt Bessie.
Aunt Bessie?
- Yeah, yeah, very sudden.
- This is a serious matter.
We need to talk to her urgently.
Try tomorrow, mate.
Tomorrow?
She'll definitely be here, will she?
- Yeah, mate, I just told you.
Tomorrow should be fine.
Very well.
Your name is?
I'm Simon, house sitter.
Okay, I'll be back tomorrow then.
Okay.
Oh, and give my
condolences for her aunt.
What was it again?
Daisy.
- Bessie.
Bessie.
Yeah, have a nice day.
Good chat.
- What the fuck?
- Ninja.
Fucking ninja.
- Why did you tell him
I'd be back here tomorrow?
- It got rid of him, didn't it?
- But now he's gonna
be back here tomorrow.
- Anyway, that's fine.
We'll work something out by then.
Don't worry.
What did you
take a loan for anyway?
Well, I had to
pay rent and get the car fixed.
Just before I met you actually.
But now the money's gone, and
I'm in no better position.
And I've got debt.
And my landlord's breathing down my neck.
Why is he
breathing down your neck?
Because I
haven't paid him any rent
for the last couple of months.
Yeah, but that don't mean
he can breathe down your neck.
I mean, that's like sexual abuse, man.
He's not literally
breathing down my neck.
He's just threatening to kick me out.
- Oh, bummer.
This is good, though, innit?
- What's good?
- You looking after places, hanging out.
Don't need to pay any rent for that.
- Bit depressing though, isn't it?
Not having a place of our own to go to.
- But you've got a place.
- It's a bedsit, and a shit hole,
and I'm about to be kicked out of it.
- Well, let's get another place then.
We can do that.
Get a place together.
That'd be cool.
- Well we can't because
I have zero pounds,
and you're broke and live in
your stepdad's spare bedroom.
- It's more like a cupboard actually.
- Exactly.
I mean, we're screwed.
That's the reality of this.
If we want a place of our own
then one of us is gonna
have to get a proper job.
- I've thought about it, and
I don't want a job.
- Neither do I.
- Then cool, well that's settled then.
- No it isn't.
Getting a job is the only way out of this.
I mean, it's shit, but we
have to join the crap race.
One of us has to get a proper job.
And neither of us wants one.
So, we play for it.
That'd be fair.
They've got a chess set.
- Chess?
- Yeah, we'll play chess,
and loser gets a job.
Okay, we'll play strip chess,
how does that float your boat?
Loser gets a job.
Loser gets a job.
- Ew.
- What?
- Oh, never mind.
- I don't like this game.
- It's not a game, it's a contest.
- Well I don't like this contest.
- You're only saying that
'cause you're losing.
- Yeah, but it's not fair.
We're playing chess.
- How's it not fair?
- I don't know how to play chess.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- You don't know how to play chess?
- No.
- Like, at all?
- Yeah.
- You're not just really, really shit?
- No.
- Well, what do you know how to play then?
- Shit.
- Yeah, I know.
- I'm not feeling any better.
- Me neither.
- And we're at match point.
- I hate match points.
- Me too.
- Say fuck it, and go to bed?
- Yeah, fuck it, let's go to bed.
- You know what we could do?
- What's that?
- We could house sit all over the world.
Innit?
No permanent address.
Get to travel to all these cool places.
Live in all these wicked places and stuff.
No responsibility.
Just got to make sure we
don't burn the place down
and that.
- Sounds great.
- Yeah?
Think it's a good idea?
- One snag though.
- What's that?
- Well, for us to be able
to afford a ticket anywhere
we need cash.
- No, I know.
- We haven't got any.
- I'm not playing chess again.
- I know.
- Stupid fucking chess.
You're really good at this.
- What about your stepdad.
- My stepdad's useless.
Well he thinks I'm useless.
- Well, doesn't he want
you out of the house?
- Well, yeah, but he
wants me to be unhappy
even more than that.
- Unfortunately, I think
you're probably right.
- Something will come
along.
Something big.
- Not before I finish you off first.
One, two, three,
four, I won the thumb war.
- There was this guy once,
I saw it on the telly,
who left his clothes on the
beach and went out to sea,
never to be seen again.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, but it turns out he
hadn't gone out to see at all.
He just faked it so he
could go and do whatever.
- That's nice.
- Yeah, proper freedom, man.
Just out there in the world.
Except they found him, and
he ended up in The Nick.
Didn't have to pay any rent though.
- Simon.
I think there's someone
in the house, Simon.
- Simon?
Simon?
Wake up.
- What?
- Shut up.
- I was shut up before you waked me.
- I think there's someone downstairs.
- What?
What was that?
- It's a burglar.
- Are you serious?
A fucking burglar.
- Yes.
- But we're the burglars.
We were here first.
- I mean a real burglar, a proper one.
They've broken in and they mean business.
- No shit.
So what the fuck are we supposed to do?
- Go and see them off.
Here.
Use this.
- What, me?
- Yes.
- But what if they, you know?
- What?
- Try and bum me.
- They're not gonna
try and bum you, Simon.
- They're gonna bum somebody.
- They're not here to bum anybody.
There isn't gonna be any bumming.
- You just said they broke
in and they mean business.
- They're burglars.
They're here to steal things,
that kind of business.
- Oh, yeah, right.
- What's wrong?
- I'm scared.
- For Christ's sake, give me that.
What does that mean?
- They do that in the films.
- Okay, well, let's just
get downstairs, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, that's what it means.
- Jesus!
- Christ!
- She dead?
- No, she's sleeping.
Really bloody heavily too.
- Well, what shall we do with her.
- Well she can't stay here.
Go on, help me get her up.
- To be fair, she don't look
much like a burglar to me.
- She's not gonna dress
like a burglar, is she?
- My stepdad dresses like a mechanic.
- You're stepdad is a mechanic.
- Exactly, that's what I'm saying.
Are you sure she's a burglar?
- No, she's a fucking Jehovah's Witness.
- Serious?
Jehovah's Witness.
- I've never had to deal
with a burglar before.
What should we do?
- Call the pigs?
- Can't call the police,
because then they'll
want to know who we are,
and then the Wallace's will find out.
And this place is a tip.
And my stash is here.
- Yeah, you're right.
Let's get her outside and bench her.
- Bench her?
- Yeah, just leave her
on a bench somewhere.
- That feels a bit like dumping a body.
No, I don't like it, it's creepy.
Plus it's cold out.
She might freeze to death or something.
- Who cares, Annabelle?
She's a Jehovah's Witness.
- She's a cat burglar.
- She made the choice.
- She's a fucking cat burglar, Simon.
- So who's the Jehovah's Witness?
- She's a fucking cat burglar, Simon!
I mean,
well actually, you're right,
she did make her own choice.
Fuck her.
- Fuck yes.
That's what I'm talking about.
Let's take her outside.
- Whoa!
Whoa!
- Oh shit!
- The keys are on there.
- Yeah, that's right.
You better run.
- My God.
- Yeah, I know.
- We just had a burglar.
- Yeah, I know.
- I feel sort of violated or something.
- See, I told you.
She could've bummed us in our sleep.
- I mean, she's been in
our, well, not our house,
but our own personal space, you know.
- Yeah, yeah, right.
- I don't think I can sleep tonight.
- Yeah, me neither.
- I might go and make
myself a milky coffee.
You know, keep myself awake.
Do you want one?
- No, I'm okay, thanks.
I'm gonna go up in the attic,
see if they've got an Xbox or something.
- Yeah, yeah, they may have
a man-cave or something.
- Yeah?
Fucking lush.
Annabelle?
- What?
- You better come and look at this, quick.
- Have you found some games or something?
- No, no, no, no, no, come look at this.
- What the fuck?
- They've been spying on us.
- Shit!
Gods, they're either
paranoid, or they're perverts.
They're perverts.
Oh shit!
They've got me stealing from them.
- Oh my God.
- I know.
- We look good, man.
- Simon.
- Come on.
We look good.
- They've got video of us fucking on their dining room table
in Julie's kimono.
- You know what this means?
- What?
- We can make sex tapes.
- We are not making porn.
- Why not?
It might be worth some money.
- No.
- That could be the job.
- No.
- And, we get to work together too.
- No.
- I reckon it's a calling.
- Simon, this is not a calling.
This is a very serious problem,
and it needs to be dealt with seriously.
- Well let's,
just delete it all then, yeah?
- We can't delete it.
If we delete it then they
know we've been up here
and we've done something worth deleting.
- Okay, so, I'll nick it all.
- Nick what?
- Everything.
The computers, the cameras,
these gizmo thingies over here.
- What, the hard drives?
- Yeah, nick it all.
- How are you gonna do that?
♪ I move my bones in the red heat ♪
♪ I chance my hand in the red heat ♪
♪ Oh, try to break me ♪
♪ Only you can save me, yeah ♪
♪ Oh try to break me ♪
♪ Only you can save me, yeah ♪
- Help me, there were three of them,
and they were all ginger.
Hang on a moment.
Why am I in my underwear?
And why are we blaming this on gingers?
- It will throw them off the scent.
- Okay, first,
blaming it on gingers isn't
gonna throw them off the scent.
Second, this house is
covered in your fingerprints,
and a few specks of your spunk.
And third, if you run away in my car,
then you can't return with my car,
and I don't want to lose my car.
And lastly, the Wallace's
are away for a whole week,
and if you think I'm gonna
spend six fucking days
tied to a fucking chair,
you're a fucking idiot.
- Oh, right, 'cause of like,
toilet breaks and that.
You wouldn't be able to.
- We need to find a way
of deleting the videos.
But we can't look responsible.
- That's right.
- Or that we even know
about any of this stuff.
- Amen, brother.
- So, we've got to erase the videos
from just after the Wallace's left,
by making it look like
the system went down.
- Yeah, boy.
- And just didn't start up again.
Questions is, how do we do it?
- Power cut.
- That's a good idea.
- Is it?
- Yeah.
Except, the neighbor's would
know there wasn't a power cut,
and Liam is the sort of
guy that would mention it.
- Yeah, he is a cunt.
I know, let's just take
out the whole street then.
- And how are we going to do that?
- Grab your coat.
- I don't have any coat.
- Grab any coat then.
- Wait, wait, wait, Simon.
- Grab a brolly, it's raining.
- Seriously.
- Come on!
- Simon!
It's not even raining.
- Fuck, yes, this is it.
- What the bloody hell are you doing?
- Check it out. Me and me mates,
we used to do this at school.
We'd chuck stones at one of them
to see if we could knock out the power.
So our parent's alarm clocks
wouldn't go off in the morning,
and we'd get to miss school.
We used to spend all
evening doing it sometimes.
Happy days.
- You used to knock out
the power with stones.
- Yeah.
- Did it ever work?
- Yeah, good point.
Or lob a rock at it instead.
Here we go.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, no, no!
- Am I a ninja or am I a fucking ninja?
Wait, what's up?
- We hadn't deleted the videos yet.
- Oh yeah, let's just
go back and do it now.
- Well, we can't because
you've thrown a fucking rock
at the fucking power.
- Oh shit.
- You get it now?
- That's a problem, innit?
- Yeah, that's a problem.
- Well I can still nick
everything if you say.
- We're not blaming it on gingers.
It's not gonna work.
But maybe.
- Have you got an idea?
- Well, if we get a magnet and run it over the hard drive,
from a speaker or something,
- Suck the videos out?
- No, no, no.
If we get a strong enough magnet,
run it across the hard drive,
it's what messes everything up.
I mean, there's more damage
then I'd like to cause,
but they might,
might think it was caused by
the surge from the power cut.
At least the power cut's legit now.
- Well, let's do that then.
- I think it's the only choice we've got.
- Okay, let's go.
That was a good throw though, wadn't it?
Looking forward to getting back in now.
- Yeah, me too.
You gonna open up then?
- I ain't got the keys.
- Well, neither have I.
Oh for Christ's sakes.
- So what, we can't get in?
- No we fucking can't.
- Well, hang about, I'll lob
a rock through the window.
- Oh, will you stop
lobbing rocks at things
for five fucking minutes, please?
- Okay, sorry, I'm only trying to help.
- I just need a minute to think.
- Okay, cool.
I'll think too, shall I?
It's getting proper cold now, innit?
Wait!
I've got a car key.
- Aren't you like
massively over the limit?
- Well, yes, but I'm not
gonna drive anywhere.
I was just gonna open the
car and turn the heater on.
- Yeah, go on then.
Hey.
Why don't we fake our own deaths?
Seriously.
Then we're free to do whatever we want.
You won't have to pay your debts no more.
I'll tell my stepdad,
actually fuck my stepdad.
We can put our plan of traveling
into action, start afresh.
That would be a good idea, wouldn't it?
- What?
And they won't think we've gone on the run
when they find the recordings
of us stealing from the Wallace's.
- Oh yeah, good point.
Tricky.
- We can't fake our own deaths,
and we can't go on the run.
We just need to find a way
to get back into the house,
without causing anymore damage,
and that's all there is to it.
- How'd the Jehovah's
Witness get into the house?
- Cat burglar.
- How'd the cat burglar
get into the house?
I mean, if she can do
it, we can do it, yeah.
- Are you a cat burglar?
Do you know how to pick locks?
- No.
- Well, then that doesn't
really up then, does it?
- It's getting proper cold now, innit?
Could murder a cup of tea, couldn't you?
- Simon?
When you left the house
did you turn the gas off?
- Didn't know it was on.
Ah, the power's back.
Lick it?
- Yeah.
- Annabelle?
Annabelle?
Annabelle?
Annabelle?
Annabelle, Annabelle, Annabelle?
- What?
- Hey, have you thought
of an idea yet?
- No.
- I tell you what.
Now the house has exploded,
it'll be a short sight easier
to fake our own deaths.
And the sex tapes aren't
a problem anymore.
What?
- Do you love me Simon?
Do you love me properly?
- Sure, why not.
Ow!
What was that for?
- What sort of answer was that?
- Fine, I love you, whatever.
- Would you do anything for me?
- Depends what you've got in mind.
- We could fake our own deaths.
- Yeah, wicked.
- But it has to good.
- Right.
- So we have to do something first.
- What's that?
- We need remains.
Human remains.
- Okay.
- Do you love me?
- Yeah.
- Do you love me, Simon?
- Yeah.
- Do you love me, Simon?
- Yes.
Have you got it?
- Nearly.
There's lots here.
It's not that bad, actually.
- Just hurry up.
- I mean, it's not like they're putting up a struggle
or nothing.
Just make
sure you get a head.
- What's that?
A skull or two.
Skull's will sell it.
- You could help.
- I'm holding the torch.
- Hang on.
I think I got something here.
- I can't believe we're doing this.
- Hey, there you go, perfect.
Hey, Annabelle, check it out.
- Oh my God, has it
still got brains in it?
- Don't look like it.
Smells a bit though.
- Well, just put it in
the bag and fill it in.
- Sure thing, boss.
- Okay.
So we go back to the house,
or what's left of it.
Hopefully it should still be on fire,
or at least be a pile of burning embers.
We throw the bag out of
the car, into the fire.
We only need to be there
for a couple of seconds.
So if anyone sees us,
we're just a couple of
bloody fly tippers or something.
The bag'll burn, leaving the bones,
which'll also get burned.
When the Wallace's are contacted
my name will be mentioned,
and when I'm no where to be found,
they'll just assume that
we died in the blast,
and they'll be no need
for doing a DNA test.
And then we should've gotten away with it.
Kind of.
I just hope we haven't left it too late.
- Sounds great.
Can we get some food though, afterwards?
I'm starving.
- Oh shitting hell.
- Fuck nuggets.
- Annabelle Hind.
I spoke to Simon Hassiter yesterday.
I've returned this morning,
and the bloody place has
been burnt to the ground.
Now I hope you're okay, obviously,
but if you are, you need to know,
you are in a lot of fucking trouble now.
We've really
turned a corner haven't we?
I mean, from petty annoys
burglary to grave robbing.
I don't think you can come back from that.
- Yeah, we're not planning
on making a habit of it.
It's just a one off, innit?
- That's true.
- So you want me to dump this lot in here?
- Yeah, I think it'll be for the best.
- You want me to lob the whole lot in?
You're sure this time?
- Yeah, just chuck it in.
Throw it as far as you
can, so it goes deep.
- Okay, no problem there.
See you, boney.
Actually, I feel a bit bad saying that.
Might be someone's granddad
or auntie or something.
Should we say a few words?
- We can if you like.
- Dear Harry Krishner.
Sorry about the grave
robbing and all that.
Didn't mean anything by it, no offense.
Just sort of happened.
Don't chuck this lady or
sweet old man out of heaven,
or wherever it is you're from,
just 'cause of our stupid mistake.
Thanks for listening, and have a nice day.
Love, Simon.
Yeah?
- Oh yeah, yeah, that
would definitely do it.
- Starving hungry, my dear.
Give us your phone.
- What for?
- Just gonna check and see if
anyone's open for breakfast.
There's bound to be.
Especially if we drive out a bit.
Hey, you got a missed call there.
- I know.
I know who it is, and I
don't want to talk to him.
Shit, it's the Wallace's.
What do I do?
- Well, get rid of them.
No, no, no, wait.
Fuck.
- What, what, what, what did I do?
I'm not stupid.
You let me chuck Aunt Bessie in there.
- Well, why didn't you go
throw yourself in there then?
- Yeah, but, it's fucking cold.
When a relationship is new,
it's exciting and fun.
But as time passes, you encounter
more problems and issues.
Petty annoyances become
the bane of your life.
And when bigger problems arise,
making you hate the situation you're in,
you inevitably look at the
person you're with and think,
would I be happier without you now.
Would your absence provide the
solution to my predicament.
Or maybe, would my own
absence be the welcome break
I've been seeking.
Just go away and forget it all.
Fucking hell.
How did things get this bad?
Oh yeah, I've got a dickhead in tow.
- No, I've had enough all right.
I'm sick of you always tagging along,
and sponging wherever you can.
You never commit to anything.
You only ever do things half-assed.
And you're no help.
You just cause trouble,
and make a mess of things,
and I'm sick of carrying you.
I just can't deal with it right now.
It's too much.
- I said I was sorry.
It was a mistake, all right.
I didn't mean anything.
- Christ, you're stupid.
- You know, I don't even
know why you're even with me.
I just piss you off all the time.
I can't do anything right.
You think I'm stupid,
and you just get mad at
me when stuff goes wrong.
I robbed a bloody grave for you.
How many people could say that?
I do whatever you say,
but it just gets you mad,
so I don't get it.
If I'm such a pain the arse,
why are you even with me at all?
- 'Cause you have a big cock.
It fits, and I like it.
- Okay then.
- Why do you like me?
Seems we're asking.
- Well, you're great.
I mean, you're smart, I like that.
And you're a criminal,
that's pretty exciting.
- I'm exciting.
- Yeah.
- I'm not exciting.
- Are you kidding me?
You just blew up a whole house.
That's amazing.
I mean, yeah, that sounds terribly fucked,
but you'll come up with something.
- Really?
- Yeah, you'll come up with something.
I'll have to do a bunch of weird stuff,
and then we'll be sorted.
That's how it works, innit?
We're a team.
And there's a whole wide
world open out there.
We just gotta
open it.
- Shit!
- Well, shall we go help?
- Yeah.
- Oh my God.
- Fuck a duck.
It's the Jehovah's Witness.
- Cat burglar.
- What shall we do?
- I don't know about you,
but after last night,
I'd quite like some closure.
- What's that?
- You know, closure.
- No, I mean what is that?
- Getting over it.
Moving on.
Drawing a line.
Understanding?
I think we should talk to her.
- What? Fuck that, Annabelle.
- Well, don't you want to know
how she got into the house last night?
- Actually, that would be cool.
- Exactly.
Come on.
Help me get her up.
- Christ, that's heavier than she is.
Isn't she gonna like go crazy
when she wakes up and sees us?
- Maybe.
But we could tell her
that we're burglars too.
- Are we proper burglars now?
- No, but we'll tell her that.
We'll say we saw her collapse,
and we wanted to check
to see if she was okay.
Friendly like.
Once she's settled,
then we'll ask her about
the house last night.
- So how long do you think
she'll be asleep for this time?
- I don't know.
- What's in the bag do you think?
Swag probably.
You know, stuff she's stolen.
- Let's take a look.
- No, don't.
- It might be worth something.
We could do a runner.
- Where are we gonna sell it?
- Well, eBay.
- No, we need cash now.
Not in a few days, and
not into some account.
- That's a shame.
- Yeah, I know.
- There might be some
cash in there though.
- Maybe.
- Should I check it out?
- Yeah, go on.
- There's probably not any cash in here.
Nope, there's no cash.
- What is in there?
- Just a bunch of crap really.
Stuff she's nicked.
Nothing.
Well, shit!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa.
It's okay.
It's all right.
You're not in any trouble.
We just saw you collapse,
and wanted to make sure you're okay.
No, no, seriously.
It's okay, you're safe.
- We didn't go for your stash or nothing.
- We're sort of in the
same line of business.
- Really?
- Yeah, that's what we were
doing in the house last night.
You know, taking advantage.
There's no threat from us.
- Apologies for the knife.
It's fake anyway.
- It's okay.
We were pretty freaked out last night as well.
Didn't know what to do.
- Could've benched her.
- Thank you.
- You were going to bench me?
Yeah.
Sorry.
- I'm Annabelle.
This is Simon.
- All right, mate.
- I'm Cat.
- You're a burglar named Cat?
- Yeah.
- Cat, the burglar?
Ignore him.
So, Cat, are you named after
some Chinese year or something?
- There is no year of the cat.
Story goes, the cat failed
to complete the great race,
so it didn't get it's own year.
Mom considered me a let
down since conception,
and gave me the name to
drive the point home.
- Wow.
- Yep.
- So what's with all the collapsing?
- Narcolepsy.
It's particularly bad
when I'm under stress,
so burglary might not seem
a great career choice,
but nobody wants to hire someone
who randomly falls
asleep from time to time,
and I've got to do something.
Dear old mom was always
on at me to study hard,
so I can get into a top
university, meet a good man,
probably a doctor.
Then I'll be provided for
when I have beautiful babies.
And I thought,
forget that.
I'd rather,
learn a few skills,
make some decent, if dodgy contact,
find places I like the look of,
turn them into projects,
and provide for myself independently.
The only down side is the nodding off.
Seriously, I've had to leave
so many bags of loot behind.
It's embarrassing.
- So that's a bit like busting into places
and falling asleep.
- Well, yes, that's exactly what it is.
- That's the shittest
burglar I ever heard of.
- Really?
Can you pick a lock?
- No.
- Can you disarm an alarm system?
- No.
- Can you open a window?
- I can lob a rock through a window.
- That's not helping.
- Are you guys wearing pajamas?
- Yeah, it's casual.
You like it?
- We had an accident with
the house last night.
- What happened?
- We blew it up.
You blew it up.
- I blew it up.
Nothing to do with me.
- Accidentally left the gas on.
- Fucking hell.
What did you do then?
We went grave robbing.
- Thank you.
We did a runner.
There's no evidence left.
And to be fair, with the
few dodgy things we've done,
I guess we're kind of on the run.
- Really?
You know you're only about
half a mile away, right?
- Yeah, I know.
Trying to figure out whether
we should stick around,
take responsibility, own up,
or if we should just go on the run.
Trying to make a plan.
- I've got a plan.
- What's your plan?
- Go traveling, innit?
See the world, fresh start,
new identity, live it up.
- Yeah, well that would
be nice, but we're broke,
so we can't.
- What if I could get you money?
What do you mean?
- Well, do you think there
might be people after you?
- Probably.
If not, there very soon will be.
- Unless you're presumed dead.
- Yeah, I've been saying that.
- Has anyone contacted you since?
- No, not since bright spark here
threw my phone in the reservoir.
- It was a mistake.
It didn't mean anything.
- Have you got a car?
- Yeah.
- And you're not
narcoleptic, either of you.
And I know how to get into places,
and there are several that
I've been scoping out,
which are ripe for the taking, right now.
I just can't do them all
because, A, I tend to nod off,
and B, I don't drive,
so there are only so many bags I can take.
But if you guys have a car,
and you're a bit strapped
for cash just at the moment,
maybe we could collaborate.
- What are you saying?
- Well, you've got a
car, and I can't drive.
- You can't drive?
You know it's like the twentieth century,
women can drive now.
- I can't drive because I
might nod off at the wheel.
- Why is that?
- I'm fucking narcoleptic.
- She's fucking narcoleptic.
- Oh, right.
Oh, 'cause you might get a parking ticket
or a wheel clamp or something.
- Anyway, you were saying about the car.
- Yeah, if we team up,
these properties are good to go today.
I can deal with any alarms, and get us in.
If I fall asleep
then you guys just stick me
in the back seat of the car.
Either way, we hit up all three houses.
Bang, bang, bang.
Load up on
until the car is full,
then we take that fat hoard
to a guy I know in the city,
and split the profits three ways.
Either way, that should be
enough money to cover you
for whatever you guys decide to do.
Whether it be stick around,
which I think is retarded, by the way,
or skip town all together.
- Hey, Annabelle, I think
I've just had a great idea.
- Actually, I did, but whatever.
- This is it, this is it.
This is our big break.
Opportunity knockers, this is our calling.
- It's not a calling, it's a cat burglar.
No offense.
- No, no, it's fine.
- And we're in enough hot water as it is.
- Jehovah's Witness or not,
we should do this, yeah.
- Sorry, what did he just say?
- This is mint.
Let's do it, yeah.
- We could make a lot of
money before the day is out.
If we work together.
- Come on, Annabelle, this is a good idea.
Let's do it, yeah.
- I can show you how to
pick locks and stuff.
Teach you some tricks of the trade.
You'd be able to do it
whenever you wanted after that.
Wherever you happen to be.
- Fuck yes, we can travel.
No permanent address.
Living the dream, boom shagmaster.
Come on, Annabelle.
- I'm in if you are.
- Please.
- Okay.
- Fuck yes.
- Wicked.
- Is this it?
Yeah.
= Really?
- Yeah, look.
All of the lights are on.
It's broad daylight, and
the TV is stupidly loud.
Might as well put a sign
up saying nobody home.
- Are we sure about that?
- Trust me.
We could sit here
watching for the next hour
and you wouldn't see
a flicker of movement.
- Shit.
- Someone's beaten us to the job.
- Joking.
- No, there's three of them.
- They're all ginger!
- What?
I fucking knew it.
- I can't fucking believe it.
There's no point hanging around.
Let's blow.
That's good.
Check out the letter box.
I did that.
Stuff a little junk mail
in the box then leave it.
If anybody's home, they'll deal with it.
But if it's still there after
a few days, shopping time.
Let me show you how to pick a lock.
- Now this one's a little trickier,
but the principle's the same.
You see what I'm doing here?
- Yeah.
- Now this is only really necessary
if they've double locked it,
which, to be fair,
people often do when
they're away for a while.
- How did you know this place was free?
- This was the easiest one of all.
They keep posting holiday updates online.
Again, you might as well announce
that your place is empty.
There we go.
Told you.
Oh my God.
I can't believe we just done that.
We've just fleeced two whole houses.
- I know.
We're fucking professionals, man.
- The boot's completely full.
I know.
- You know, before we flog this lot off,
I know this one other place.
Should be a really good job.
We could stock it all back here with me.
It would certainly mean
more money at the end.
Seeing as we didn't do the first place.
Fucking mint.
- Okay, this is it.
- Fucking hell, this place is massive.
- They're newlyweds.
Should've gone off on their
honeymoon this morning.
- Newlyweds?
- Yeah.
- Can we steal from newlyweds.
I mean, isn't it a bit?
- Not really.
People are scum, newlyweds or not.
They'll screw you over in a heartbeat,
and just call it good business.
We're just getting there first.
Are you not okay with it?
- I'm okay with it.
- I'm okay with it.
- Well, I mean, obviously
I'm okay with it.
- Okay, good.
Then let me get around the back first,
just to make sure it's all clear,
and deal with any alarms.
You guys stay here, okay.
- Sure.
- Got it.
You sure it's okay to
steal from newlyweds?
It's probably okay, isn't it?
I'm sure it's okay, right?
Yeah.
- Yeah, cool.
- You're divine.
- Am I?
Nice.
- This could really be it.
I mean, if she manages
to sell enough stuff,
and gets a decent enough lump sum of cash,
we could really go somewhere.
We could escape, couldn't we?
- Fuckin' A.
- Oh, wait, here she comes.
- All clear.
Got the big gates open too,
so we can park up around the back.
- Okay.
- Shit, man.
I'd love a place like this.
Proper nice.
- Here, look.
You've seen how I do it, right?
Why don't you give it a go?
- Me?
- It is the last place.
Go on, you know what to do.
- Oh my God!
They've got a pool back here.
Fucking mint.
- That's it.
Now, lever it down a little bit more.
Now, holding that position,
gently rotate both hands
until you hear it click.
- I did it.
- Yeah, good job.
- They didn't even double lock it.
- You got lucky, I guess.
- Hey Simon.
- What's up?
- I just did the lock.
I got us in.
- Oh, nice one.
Oh, bollocks.
- Fucking hell.
Okay, no biggie.
We knew this could happen.
Help me get her in the back of the car.
Right, let's get stocked up then.
- Diamond.
Fuck, yes, this place is awesome.
- I know.
We should have a look round
first though, shall we?
- We should've come here first.
- Doesn't matter, we're here now.
What's through here?
- Christ!
- She wasn't kidding, was she?
- Presents.
I fucking love presents.
- It's like they've
bagged them all up for us.
- You want to take these things?
- Well, don't you?
- Fuck yeah, presents.
It's the best thing we've found all day.
- Okay, but first,
we should find out the
stuff that Cat can sell.
- What the fuck?
- I can't believe it.
- She stole our fucking wheels.
- She fucked us.
- I can't believe she fucked us.
- Well that's what you get
for trusting a burglar,
I suppose.
A proper one, I mean.
- Well, we still get to keep
the stuff from here though.
Right?
- Yeah, but who are we gonna sell it to?
- I don't know.
- We need cash, not stuff.
I suppose we should have a
look through the wedding gifts.
- Yeah, I want the presents.
- I know you do.
Come on.
- Hey!
I bet you get all sorts
of free stuff and upgrades
when you travel wearing this lot.
- That's not a bad idea.
And check this out.
There's a few hundred quid here as well.
- Fucking yes, mate, this is it!
This is it!
- I guess it's a start.
- We just gotta do it, man.
That's all we gotta do.
- Come on, then.
- Dress up!
It's fucking dress up!
You're looking really good.
- You're looking pretty dapper yourself.
- Come on then, let's go.
- No, no, no, hold your horses.
- What, what?
- Well, shouldn't we get some more clothes
to get changed into.
You know, so we don't
have to spend any money
on a new outfit, before we
get some from somewhere.
- Yeah, good idea.
- Okay, you stay here, see if
there's anything else we need.
I'll go upstairs, pack a bag of clothes,
and we'll be down here in
five minutes for a taxi.
- Yeah?
We're really doing it, for proper?
- Yeah, taxi in five minutes.
- Five minutes, nice one.
- Okay.
Simon?
- You get it?
- Did you light some candles?
- No.
Why, what's up?
- I think there might be someone in the house.
- What?
- I think there might
be someone in the house.
- Fuck.
Let's get out of here.
- No, not likely, there's double locks.
- So what do we do?
- Let's go out the back.
- Okay, good idea.
I smell gas.
- Yeah, me too.
- Oh shit, it's Dave Arjue.
Run!
- Holy Christ!
That's two.
Two houses in 24 hours.
- That was a close one though, wadn't it?
Phew.
- Fucking Cat.
- Hey?
- Tried to kill us.
- What, on purpose?
- Yeah.
- Tried to kill us?
- Yeah.
- The fucking cat did it?
- No.
Jehovah's Witness.
- Fuck.
- I know.
- I can't believe she tried to kill us.
- Used us completely.
- Flipping heck.
- There goes all the
money, and the clothes.
Oh, Simon, I'm not gonna fuck
you now, this is serious.
You had it down your pants?
- Yeah, for safety and that.
So we get a taxi now, right?
- Fucking A!
- Shouldn't we get like,
revenge or something?
- Haven't you read Moby Dick?
- Hey?
- I'm sorry, of course you
haven't read Moby Dick.
- Are you talking about
my massive knob again?
Are you guys on honeymoon then?
- Yeah, we're going traveling.
The good times start here.
- Oh, congratulations on your happy day.
May the Lord shine his light upon you.
Can I persuade you to take a flyer today?
- What are you, man?
- I'm a Jehovah's Witness.
- Are you getting married?
Let's see if I can't get you
bumped up to first class.
So, decisions
made, wheels in motion,
and we're off.
Call it running away if
you will, but frankly,
whatever gets your ass
into gear has done the job.
So, blah.
We're heading out
to start afresh,
see the world, and, of course,
see loads of your houses.
Always vigilant.
Always checking for cameras.
And always making sure the gas isn't on.
We are your friendly,
world-wide, home sitters.
- Annabelle Hind.
Fuck it.
I quit.
Yeah, you heard.
I fucking quit!
You can't fucking quit.
Your fucking job.
I do fucking quit!
You can't fucking quit!
Oh, and remember the downstairs toilet's
a bit tricky at the moment.
It still works, but best
to use upstairs if you can.
Was there anything else?
- Just try not to burn the place down.
And when Julie says
treat it like your own,
she doesn't mean literally.
You're a guest, so stay in the guest room.
Our room's out of bounds.
No reason to go in there.
Do you understand?
- She'll be fine.
No need for that tone.
- And try not to stay out too long.
We've already had things stolen.
- Don't say that!
You'll scare her.
It's just a couple of
garments off the washing line.
Nothing really.
- No knickers or anything like that.
- Yes, thank you.
Thanks Annabelle.
Look, here.
- You don't need to give her that.
She's been paid.
- It's not much.
- It's not a bloody charity case.
- Would you just fucking let me do
this one nice thing?!
- God's sake.
I'll be in the car.
- Here.
It's just for a bottle
of wine or something.
- Plenty of wine in the fucking house.
- Yes, thank you.
- It'd be nice to still have
some here when we get back.
- Yes, thank you.
- If you think you can control yourself.
- Yes, thank you!
Good night and thank you!
- God's sake.
- Thanks, Annabelle.
Well.
There are several advantages
to home sitting for people.
There are the obvious upsides,
like drinking their booze,
eating their food,
going through all their private stuff,
and shagging your new
boyfriend all over the place.
There's also the fact
you get to basically live
in lots of different places
that are all nicer than yours.
If you've got the money,
you can buy a house.
If you haven't, you can get fucked.
That's the polarized state of things now,
and we probably need a
revolution of some sort, but,
fuck it.
There is another major plus
for someone like me though.
I get to rob them blind,
and I don't even have to try and break in.
I can't take anything big or obvious,
but earrings, broaches, that kind of thing
is ripe for the taking,
because they very easily
could be misplaced.
Particularly if it's
something that a lot of people
are likely to own.
I've even got a lucky charm bracelet,
which after house sitting
for a lot of people,
I've got nearly all the charms full.
Take a single fork, knife,
spoon from a number of houses,
and you've soon got a full set.
Then there's things that
are just useful anyway.
Like phone chargers, candles, batteries,
and bathroom products.
And the closest I ever
come to being caught
is when they ask.
- I was just wondering.
When you were here the other night,
did you notice a pair of cuff links?
I seem to have mislaid them somewhere.
- To which I simply reply.
No, sorry.
It must be in the house somewhere though.
- Yeah, yeah, I'm sure
they're about somewhere.
I guess they'll turn up.
- Bye now.
- Thanks a lot, bye.
It's great.
I barely have to spend any time
living in my crummy little bedsit at all.
And after all the hijinks, sex, theft,
more sex, mischief, and general
defiling of your belongings,
you come home and say.
- Thank you so much.
We really appreciate it.
- Here's a little extra something for you.
That's right.
- Thank you.
Even bloody tip me for it.
My mother always accused me
of doing things half-hearted,
and never committing to anything.
Quite a good idea.
Everyone's got stuff that they never use.
And as far as I'm
concerned, that's a waste.
See, I'm not a bad person.
I just take advantage of
what you take for granted.
I'm your friendly,
neighborhood house sitter.
- Simon?
Simon?
Simon?
Hello?
- It's this one.
Yes, can I help you?
Sorry about that.
Wrong house.
What did you call me?
Bloody hipsters.
- Safe.
What's the house like then?
- It's all right.
And it's ours for a week.
Fucking mint.
So, what are these ones like then?
- A bit stuck up and weird.
They put a list of rules on the fridge,
and they banned me from
going into their bedroom.
- So what are we supposed to do?
- Well, personally, I think
we should roll up the list
and smoke it.
But first, I want to go to their bedroom,
and I want you to fuck me in their bed.
- They've got a trampoline.
- Yeah.
- Forfeit.
- What's that?
- It's the one where you don't know whether
it's Martin or Charlie til the last page.
Eat it.
Forfeit.
Annabelle, that was shit.
Shit!
What?
- Well, you know when you take out a loan?
- Yeah.
- And you don't pay it back.
- Right.
- Well if you ignore enough of the letters
they start sending people
around to find you.
- Shit.
- This job's always been really good
for hiding from them.
And now this assholes tracked me down.
You answer it.
- What?
- Yeah, tell him I'm at a funeral,
and I'm completely distraught,
and totally uncontactable.
Hello?
- Tell him I'm at a fucking funeral.
- Annabelle Hind?
- Now.
- Okay, I'm on it.
Hello.
'Sup mate?
Yeah, I'm looking
for Annabelle Hind.
Is she in?
No mate.
So, she is staying here?
Yeah, but
she's not here, you know.
Where is she please?
Funeral, very sad.
Whose funeral?
Old Aunt Bessie.
Aunt Bessie?
- Yeah, yeah, very sudden.
- This is a serious matter.
We need to talk to her urgently.
Try tomorrow, mate.
Tomorrow?
She'll definitely be here, will she?
- Yeah, mate, I just told you.
Tomorrow should be fine.
Very well.
Your name is?
I'm Simon, house sitter.
Okay, I'll be back tomorrow then.
Okay.
Oh, and give my
condolences for her aunt.
What was it again?
Daisy.
- Bessie.
Bessie.
Yeah, have a nice day.
Good chat.
- What the fuck?
- Ninja.
Fucking ninja.
- Why did you tell him
I'd be back here tomorrow?
- It got rid of him, didn't it?
- But now he's gonna
be back here tomorrow.
- Anyway, that's fine.
We'll work something out by then.
Don't worry.
What did you
take a loan for anyway?
Well, I had to
pay rent and get the car fixed.
Just before I met you actually.
But now the money's gone, and
I'm in no better position.
And I've got debt.
And my landlord's breathing down my neck.
Why is he
breathing down your neck?
Because I
haven't paid him any rent
for the last couple of months.
Yeah, but that don't mean
he can breathe down your neck.
I mean, that's like sexual abuse, man.
He's not literally
breathing down my neck.
He's just threatening to kick me out.
- Oh, bummer.
This is good, though, innit?
- What's good?
- You looking after places, hanging out.
Don't need to pay any rent for that.
- Bit depressing though, isn't it?
Not having a place of our own to go to.
- But you've got a place.
- It's a bedsit, and a shit hole,
and I'm about to be kicked out of it.
- Well, let's get another place then.
We can do that.
Get a place together.
That'd be cool.
- Well we can't because
I have zero pounds,
and you're broke and live in
your stepdad's spare bedroom.
- It's more like a cupboard actually.
- Exactly.
I mean, we're screwed.
That's the reality of this.
If we want a place of our own
then one of us is gonna
have to get a proper job.
- I've thought about it, and
I don't want a job.
- Neither do I.
- Then cool, well that's settled then.
- No it isn't.
Getting a job is the only way out of this.
I mean, it's shit, but we
have to join the crap race.
One of us has to get a proper job.
And neither of us wants one.
So, we play for it.
That'd be fair.
They've got a chess set.
- Chess?
- Yeah, we'll play chess,
and loser gets a job.
Okay, we'll play strip chess,
how does that float your boat?
Loser gets a job.
Loser gets a job.
- Ew.
- What?
- Oh, never mind.
- I don't like this game.
- It's not a game, it's a contest.
- Well I don't like this contest.
- You're only saying that
'cause you're losing.
- Yeah, but it's not fair.
We're playing chess.
- How's it not fair?
- I don't know how to play chess.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- You don't know how to play chess?
- No.
- Like, at all?
- Yeah.
- You're not just really, really shit?
- No.
- Well, what do you know how to play then?
- Shit.
- Yeah, I know.
- I'm not feeling any better.
- Me neither.
- And we're at match point.
- I hate match points.
- Me too.
- Say fuck it, and go to bed?
- Yeah, fuck it, let's go to bed.
- You know what we could do?
- What's that?
- We could house sit all over the world.
Innit?
No permanent address.
Get to travel to all these cool places.
Live in all these wicked places and stuff.
No responsibility.
Just got to make sure we
don't burn the place down
and that.
- Sounds great.
- Yeah?
Think it's a good idea?
- One snag though.
- What's that?
- Well, for us to be able
to afford a ticket anywhere
we need cash.
- No, I know.
- We haven't got any.
- I'm not playing chess again.
- I know.
- Stupid fucking chess.
You're really good at this.
- What about your stepdad.
- My stepdad's useless.
Well he thinks I'm useless.
- Well, doesn't he want
you out of the house?
- Well, yeah, but he
wants me to be unhappy
even more than that.
- Unfortunately, I think
you're probably right.
- Something will come
along.
Something big.
- Not before I finish you off first.
One, two, three,
four, I won the thumb war.
- There was this guy once,
I saw it on the telly,
who left his clothes on the
beach and went out to sea,
never to be seen again.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, but it turns out he
hadn't gone out to see at all.
He just faked it so he
could go and do whatever.
- That's nice.
- Yeah, proper freedom, man.
Just out there in the world.
Except they found him, and
he ended up in The Nick.
Didn't have to pay any rent though.
- Simon.
I think there's someone
in the house, Simon.
- Simon?
Simon?
Wake up.
- What?
- Shut up.
- I was shut up before you waked me.
- I think there's someone downstairs.
- What?
What was that?
- It's a burglar.
- Are you serious?
A fucking burglar.
- Yes.
- But we're the burglars.
We were here first.
- I mean a real burglar, a proper one.
They've broken in and they mean business.
- No shit.
So what the fuck are we supposed to do?
- Go and see them off.
Here.
Use this.
- What, me?
- Yes.
- But what if they, you know?
- What?
- Try and bum me.
- They're not gonna
try and bum you, Simon.
- They're gonna bum somebody.
- They're not here to bum anybody.
There isn't gonna be any bumming.
- You just said they broke
in and they mean business.
- They're burglars.
They're here to steal things,
that kind of business.
- Oh, yeah, right.
- What's wrong?
- I'm scared.
- For Christ's sake, give me that.
What does that mean?
- They do that in the films.
- Okay, well, let's just
get downstairs, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, that's what it means.
- Jesus!
- Christ!
- She dead?
- No, she's sleeping.
Really bloody heavily too.
- Well, what shall we do with her.
- Well she can't stay here.
Go on, help me get her up.
- To be fair, she don't look
much like a burglar to me.
- She's not gonna dress
like a burglar, is she?
- My stepdad dresses like a mechanic.
- You're stepdad is a mechanic.
- Exactly, that's what I'm saying.
Are you sure she's a burglar?
- No, she's a fucking Jehovah's Witness.
- Serious?
Jehovah's Witness.
- I've never had to deal
with a burglar before.
What should we do?
- Call the pigs?
- Can't call the police,
because then they'll
want to know who we are,
and then the Wallace's will find out.
And this place is a tip.
And my stash is here.
- Yeah, you're right.
Let's get her outside and bench her.
- Bench her?
- Yeah, just leave her
on a bench somewhere.
- That feels a bit like dumping a body.
No, I don't like it, it's creepy.
Plus it's cold out.
She might freeze to death or something.
- Who cares, Annabelle?
She's a Jehovah's Witness.
- She's a cat burglar.
- She made the choice.
- She's a fucking cat burglar, Simon.
- So who's the Jehovah's Witness?
- She's a fucking cat burglar, Simon!
I mean,
well actually, you're right,
she did make her own choice.
Fuck her.
- Fuck yes.
That's what I'm talking about.
Let's take her outside.
- Whoa!
Whoa!
- Oh shit!
- The keys are on there.
- Yeah, that's right.
You better run.
- My God.
- Yeah, I know.
- We just had a burglar.
- Yeah, I know.
- I feel sort of violated or something.
- See, I told you.
She could've bummed us in our sleep.
- I mean, she's been in
our, well, not our house,
but our own personal space, you know.
- Yeah, yeah, right.
- I don't think I can sleep tonight.
- Yeah, me neither.
- I might go and make
myself a milky coffee.
You know, keep myself awake.
Do you want one?
- No, I'm okay, thanks.
I'm gonna go up in the attic,
see if they've got an Xbox or something.
- Yeah, yeah, they may have
a man-cave or something.
- Yeah?
Fucking lush.
Annabelle?
- What?
- You better come and look at this, quick.
- Have you found some games or something?
- No, no, no, no, no, come look at this.
- What the fuck?
- They've been spying on us.
- Shit!
Gods, they're either
paranoid, or they're perverts.
They're perverts.
Oh shit!
They've got me stealing from them.
- Oh my God.
- I know.
- We look good, man.
- Simon.
- Come on.
We look good.
- They've got video of us fucking on their dining room table
in Julie's kimono.
- You know what this means?
- What?
- We can make sex tapes.
- We are not making porn.
- Why not?
It might be worth some money.
- No.
- That could be the job.
- No.
- And, we get to work together too.
- No.
- I reckon it's a calling.
- Simon, this is not a calling.
This is a very serious problem,
and it needs to be dealt with seriously.
- Well let's,
just delete it all then, yeah?
- We can't delete it.
If we delete it then they
know we've been up here
and we've done something worth deleting.
- Okay, so, I'll nick it all.
- Nick what?
- Everything.
The computers, the cameras,
these gizmo thingies over here.
- What, the hard drives?
- Yeah, nick it all.
- How are you gonna do that?
♪ I move my bones in the red heat ♪
♪ I chance my hand in the red heat ♪
♪ Oh, try to break me ♪
♪ Only you can save me, yeah ♪
♪ Oh try to break me ♪
♪ Only you can save me, yeah ♪
- Help me, there were three of them,
and they were all ginger.
Hang on a moment.
Why am I in my underwear?
And why are we blaming this on gingers?
- It will throw them off the scent.
- Okay, first,
blaming it on gingers isn't
gonna throw them off the scent.
Second, this house is
covered in your fingerprints,
and a few specks of your spunk.
And third, if you run away in my car,
then you can't return with my car,
and I don't want to lose my car.
And lastly, the Wallace's
are away for a whole week,
and if you think I'm gonna
spend six fucking days
tied to a fucking chair,
you're a fucking idiot.
- Oh, right, 'cause of like,
toilet breaks and that.
You wouldn't be able to.
- We need to find a way
of deleting the videos.
But we can't look responsible.
- That's right.
- Or that we even know
about any of this stuff.
- Amen, brother.
- So, we've got to erase the videos
from just after the Wallace's left,
by making it look like
the system went down.
- Yeah, boy.
- And just didn't start up again.
Questions is, how do we do it?
- Power cut.
- That's a good idea.
- Is it?
- Yeah.
Except, the neighbor's would
know there wasn't a power cut,
and Liam is the sort of
guy that would mention it.
- Yeah, he is a cunt.
I know, let's just take
out the whole street then.
- And how are we going to do that?
- Grab your coat.
- I don't have any coat.
- Grab any coat then.
- Wait, wait, wait, Simon.
- Grab a brolly, it's raining.
- Seriously.
- Come on!
- Simon!
It's not even raining.
- Fuck, yes, this is it.
- What the bloody hell are you doing?
- Check it out. Me and me mates,
we used to do this at school.
We'd chuck stones at one of them
to see if we could knock out the power.
So our parent's alarm clocks
wouldn't go off in the morning,
and we'd get to miss school.
We used to spend all
evening doing it sometimes.
Happy days.
- You used to knock out
the power with stones.
- Yeah.
- Did it ever work?
- Yeah, good point.
Or lob a rock at it instead.
Here we go.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, no, no!
- Am I a ninja or am I a fucking ninja?
Wait, what's up?
- We hadn't deleted the videos yet.
- Oh yeah, let's just
go back and do it now.
- Well, we can't because
you've thrown a fucking rock
at the fucking power.
- Oh shit.
- You get it now?
- That's a problem, innit?
- Yeah, that's a problem.
- Well I can still nick
everything if you say.
- We're not blaming it on gingers.
It's not gonna work.
But maybe.
- Have you got an idea?
- Well, if we get a magnet and run it over the hard drive,
from a speaker or something,
- Suck the videos out?
- No, no, no.
If we get a strong enough magnet,
run it across the hard drive,
it's what messes everything up.
I mean, there's more damage
then I'd like to cause,
but they might,
might think it was caused by
the surge from the power cut.
At least the power cut's legit now.
- Well, let's do that then.
- I think it's the only choice we've got.
- Okay, let's go.
That was a good throw though, wadn't it?
Looking forward to getting back in now.
- Yeah, me too.
You gonna open up then?
- I ain't got the keys.
- Well, neither have I.
Oh for Christ's sakes.
- So what, we can't get in?
- No we fucking can't.
- Well, hang about, I'll lob
a rock through the window.
- Oh, will you stop
lobbing rocks at things
for five fucking minutes, please?
- Okay, sorry, I'm only trying to help.
- I just need a minute to think.
- Okay, cool.
I'll think too, shall I?
It's getting proper cold now, innit?
Wait!
I've got a car key.
- Aren't you like
massively over the limit?
- Well, yes, but I'm not
gonna drive anywhere.
I was just gonna open the
car and turn the heater on.
- Yeah, go on then.
Hey.
Why don't we fake our own deaths?
Seriously.
Then we're free to do whatever we want.
You won't have to pay your debts no more.
I'll tell my stepdad,
actually fuck my stepdad.
We can put our plan of traveling
into action, start afresh.
That would be a good idea, wouldn't it?
- What?
And they won't think we've gone on the run
when they find the recordings
of us stealing from the Wallace's.
- Oh yeah, good point.
Tricky.
- We can't fake our own deaths,
and we can't go on the run.
We just need to find a way
to get back into the house,
without causing anymore damage,
and that's all there is to it.
- How'd the Jehovah's
Witness get into the house?
- Cat burglar.
- How'd the cat burglar
get into the house?
I mean, if she can do
it, we can do it, yeah.
- Are you a cat burglar?
Do you know how to pick locks?
- No.
- Well, then that doesn't
really up then, does it?
- It's getting proper cold now, innit?
Could murder a cup of tea, couldn't you?
- Simon?
When you left the house
did you turn the gas off?
- Didn't know it was on.
Ah, the power's back.
Lick it?
- Yeah.
- Annabelle?
Annabelle?
Annabelle?
Annabelle?
Annabelle, Annabelle, Annabelle?
- What?
- Hey, have you thought
of an idea yet?
- No.
- I tell you what.
Now the house has exploded,
it'll be a short sight easier
to fake our own deaths.
And the sex tapes aren't
a problem anymore.
What?
- Do you love me Simon?
Do you love me properly?
- Sure, why not.
Ow!
What was that for?
- What sort of answer was that?
- Fine, I love you, whatever.
- Would you do anything for me?
- Depends what you've got in mind.
- We could fake our own deaths.
- Yeah, wicked.
- But it has to good.
- Right.
- So we have to do something first.
- What's that?
- We need remains.
Human remains.
- Okay.
- Do you love me?
- Yeah.
- Do you love me, Simon?
- Yeah.
- Do you love me, Simon?
- Yes.
Have you got it?
- Nearly.
There's lots here.
It's not that bad, actually.
- Just hurry up.
- I mean, it's not like they're putting up a struggle
or nothing.
Just make
sure you get a head.
- What's that?
A skull or two.
Skull's will sell it.
- You could help.
- I'm holding the torch.
- Hang on.
I think I got something here.
- I can't believe we're doing this.
- Hey, there you go, perfect.
Hey, Annabelle, check it out.
- Oh my God, has it
still got brains in it?
- Don't look like it.
Smells a bit though.
- Well, just put it in
the bag and fill it in.
- Sure thing, boss.
- Okay.
So we go back to the house,
or what's left of it.
Hopefully it should still be on fire,
or at least be a pile of burning embers.
We throw the bag out of
the car, into the fire.
We only need to be there
for a couple of seconds.
So if anyone sees us,
we're just a couple of
bloody fly tippers or something.
The bag'll burn, leaving the bones,
which'll also get burned.
When the Wallace's are contacted
my name will be mentioned,
and when I'm no where to be found,
they'll just assume that
we died in the blast,
and they'll be no need
for doing a DNA test.
And then we should've gotten away with it.
Kind of.
I just hope we haven't left it too late.
- Sounds great.
Can we get some food though, afterwards?
I'm starving.
- Oh shitting hell.
- Fuck nuggets.
- Annabelle Hind.
I spoke to Simon Hassiter yesterday.
I've returned this morning,
and the bloody place has
been burnt to the ground.
Now I hope you're okay, obviously,
but if you are, you need to know,
you are in a lot of fucking trouble now.
We've really
turned a corner haven't we?
I mean, from petty annoys
burglary to grave robbing.
I don't think you can come back from that.
- Yeah, we're not planning
on making a habit of it.
It's just a one off, innit?
- That's true.
- So you want me to dump this lot in here?
- Yeah, I think it'll be for the best.
- You want me to lob the whole lot in?
You're sure this time?
- Yeah, just chuck it in.
Throw it as far as you
can, so it goes deep.
- Okay, no problem there.
See you, boney.
Actually, I feel a bit bad saying that.
Might be someone's granddad
or auntie or something.
Should we say a few words?
- We can if you like.
- Dear Harry Krishner.
Sorry about the grave
robbing and all that.
Didn't mean anything by it, no offense.
Just sort of happened.
Don't chuck this lady or
sweet old man out of heaven,
or wherever it is you're from,
just 'cause of our stupid mistake.
Thanks for listening, and have a nice day.
Love, Simon.
Yeah?
- Oh yeah, yeah, that
would definitely do it.
- Starving hungry, my dear.
Give us your phone.
- What for?
- Just gonna check and see if
anyone's open for breakfast.
There's bound to be.
Especially if we drive out a bit.
Hey, you got a missed call there.
- I know.
I know who it is, and I
don't want to talk to him.
Shit, it's the Wallace's.
What do I do?
- Well, get rid of them.
No, no, no, wait.
Fuck.
- What, what, what, what did I do?
I'm not stupid.
You let me chuck Aunt Bessie in there.
- Well, why didn't you go
throw yourself in there then?
- Yeah, but, it's fucking cold.
When a relationship is new,
it's exciting and fun.
But as time passes, you encounter
more problems and issues.
Petty annoyances become
the bane of your life.
And when bigger problems arise,
making you hate the situation you're in,
you inevitably look at the
person you're with and think,
would I be happier without you now.
Would your absence provide the
solution to my predicament.
Or maybe, would my own
absence be the welcome break
I've been seeking.
Just go away and forget it all.
Fucking hell.
How did things get this bad?
Oh yeah, I've got a dickhead in tow.
- No, I've had enough all right.
I'm sick of you always tagging along,
and sponging wherever you can.
You never commit to anything.
You only ever do things half-assed.
And you're no help.
You just cause trouble,
and make a mess of things,
and I'm sick of carrying you.
I just can't deal with it right now.
It's too much.
- I said I was sorry.
It was a mistake, all right.
I didn't mean anything.
- Christ, you're stupid.
- You know, I don't even
know why you're even with me.
I just piss you off all the time.
I can't do anything right.
You think I'm stupid,
and you just get mad at
me when stuff goes wrong.
I robbed a bloody grave for you.
How many people could say that?
I do whatever you say,
but it just gets you mad,
so I don't get it.
If I'm such a pain the arse,
why are you even with me at all?
- 'Cause you have a big cock.
It fits, and I like it.
- Okay then.
- Why do you like me?
Seems we're asking.
- Well, you're great.
I mean, you're smart, I like that.
And you're a criminal,
that's pretty exciting.
- I'm exciting.
- Yeah.
- I'm not exciting.
- Are you kidding me?
You just blew up a whole house.
That's amazing.
I mean, yeah, that sounds terribly fucked,
but you'll come up with something.
- Really?
- Yeah, you'll come up with something.
I'll have to do a bunch of weird stuff,
and then we'll be sorted.
That's how it works, innit?
We're a team.
And there's a whole wide
world open out there.
We just gotta
open it.
- Shit!
- Well, shall we go help?
- Yeah.
- Oh my God.
- Fuck a duck.
It's the Jehovah's Witness.
- Cat burglar.
- What shall we do?
- I don't know about you,
but after last night,
I'd quite like some closure.
- What's that?
- You know, closure.
- No, I mean what is that?
- Getting over it.
Moving on.
Drawing a line.
Understanding?
I think we should talk to her.
- What? Fuck that, Annabelle.
- Well, don't you want to know
how she got into the house last night?
- Actually, that would be cool.
- Exactly.
Come on.
Help me get her up.
- Christ, that's heavier than she is.
Isn't she gonna like go crazy
when she wakes up and sees us?
- Maybe.
But we could tell her
that we're burglars too.
- Are we proper burglars now?
- No, but we'll tell her that.
We'll say we saw her collapse,
and we wanted to check
to see if she was okay.
Friendly like.
Once she's settled,
then we'll ask her about
the house last night.
- So how long do you think
she'll be asleep for this time?
- I don't know.
- What's in the bag do you think?
Swag probably.
You know, stuff she's stolen.
- Let's take a look.
- No, don't.
- It might be worth something.
We could do a runner.
- Where are we gonna sell it?
- Well, eBay.
- No, we need cash now.
Not in a few days, and
not into some account.
- That's a shame.
- Yeah, I know.
- There might be some
cash in there though.
- Maybe.
- Should I check it out?
- Yeah, go on.
- There's probably not any cash in here.
Nope, there's no cash.
- What is in there?
- Just a bunch of crap really.
Stuff she's nicked.
Nothing.
Well, shit!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa.
It's okay.
It's all right.
You're not in any trouble.
We just saw you collapse,
and wanted to make sure you're okay.
No, no, seriously.
It's okay, you're safe.
- We didn't go for your stash or nothing.
- We're sort of in the
same line of business.
- Really?
- Yeah, that's what we were
doing in the house last night.
You know, taking advantage.
There's no threat from us.
- Apologies for the knife.
It's fake anyway.
- It's okay.
We were pretty freaked out last night as well.
Didn't know what to do.
- Could've benched her.
- Thank you.
- You were going to bench me?
Yeah.
Sorry.
- I'm Annabelle.
This is Simon.
- All right, mate.
- I'm Cat.
- You're a burglar named Cat?
- Yeah.
- Cat, the burglar?
Ignore him.
So, Cat, are you named after
some Chinese year or something?
- There is no year of the cat.
Story goes, the cat failed
to complete the great race,
so it didn't get it's own year.
Mom considered me a let
down since conception,
and gave me the name to
drive the point home.
- Wow.
- Yep.
- So what's with all the collapsing?
- Narcolepsy.
It's particularly bad
when I'm under stress,
so burglary might not seem
a great career choice,
but nobody wants to hire someone
who randomly falls
asleep from time to time,
and I've got to do something.
Dear old mom was always
on at me to study hard,
so I can get into a top
university, meet a good man,
probably a doctor.
Then I'll be provided for
when I have beautiful babies.
And I thought,
forget that.
I'd rather,
learn a few skills,
make some decent, if dodgy contact,
find places I like the look of,
turn them into projects,
and provide for myself independently.
The only down side is the nodding off.
Seriously, I've had to leave
so many bags of loot behind.
It's embarrassing.
- So that's a bit like busting into places
and falling asleep.
- Well, yes, that's exactly what it is.
- That's the shittest
burglar I ever heard of.
- Really?
Can you pick a lock?
- No.
- Can you disarm an alarm system?
- No.
- Can you open a window?
- I can lob a rock through a window.
- That's not helping.
- Are you guys wearing pajamas?
- Yeah, it's casual.
You like it?
- We had an accident with
the house last night.
- What happened?
- We blew it up.
You blew it up.
- I blew it up.
Nothing to do with me.
- Accidentally left the gas on.
- Fucking hell.
What did you do then?
We went grave robbing.
- Thank you.
We did a runner.
There's no evidence left.
And to be fair, with the
few dodgy things we've done,
I guess we're kind of on the run.
- Really?
You know you're only about
half a mile away, right?
- Yeah, I know.
Trying to figure out whether
we should stick around,
take responsibility, own up,
or if we should just go on the run.
Trying to make a plan.
- I've got a plan.
- What's your plan?
- Go traveling, innit?
See the world, fresh start,
new identity, live it up.
- Yeah, well that would
be nice, but we're broke,
so we can't.
- What if I could get you money?
What do you mean?
- Well, do you think there
might be people after you?
- Probably.
If not, there very soon will be.
- Unless you're presumed dead.
- Yeah, I've been saying that.
- Has anyone contacted you since?
- No, not since bright spark here
threw my phone in the reservoir.
- It was a mistake.
It didn't mean anything.
- Have you got a car?
- Yeah.
- And you're not
narcoleptic, either of you.
And I know how to get into places,
and there are several that
I've been scoping out,
which are ripe for the taking, right now.
I just can't do them all
because, A, I tend to nod off,
and B, I don't drive,
so there are only so many bags I can take.
But if you guys have a car,
and you're a bit strapped
for cash just at the moment,
maybe we could collaborate.
- What are you saying?
- Well, you've got a
car, and I can't drive.
- You can't drive?
You know it's like the twentieth century,
women can drive now.
- I can't drive because I
might nod off at the wheel.
- Why is that?
- I'm fucking narcoleptic.
- She's fucking narcoleptic.
- Oh, right.
Oh, 'cause you might get a parking ticket
or a wheel clamp or something.
- Anyway, you were saying about the car.
- Yeah, if we team up,
these properties are good to go today.
I can deal with any alarms, and get us in.
If I fall asleep
then you guys just stick me
in the back seat of the car.
Either way, we hit up all three houses.
Bang, bang, bang.
Load up on
until the car is full,
then we take that fat hoard
to a guy I know in the city,
and split the profits three ways.
Either way, that should be
enough money to cover you
for whatever you guys decide to do.
Whether it be stick around,
which I think is retarded, by the way,
or skip town all together.
- Hey, Annabelle, I think
I've just had a great idea.
- Actually, I did, but whatever.
- This is it, this is it.
This is our big break.
Opportunity knockers, this is our calling.
- It's not a calling, it's a cat burglar.
No offense.
- No, no, it's fine.
- And we're in enough hot water as it is.
- Jehovah's Witness or not,
we should do this, yeah.
- Sorry, what did he just say?
- This is mint.
Let's do it, yeah.
- We could make a lot of
money before the day is out.
If we work together.
- Come on, Annabelle, this is a good idea.
Let's do it, yeah.
- I can show you how to
pick locks and stuff.
Teach you some tricks of the trade.
You'd be able to do it
whenever you wanted after that.
Wherever you happen to be.
- Fuck yes, we can travel.
No permanent address.
Living the dream, boom shagmaster.
Come on, Annabelle.
- I'm in if you are.
- Please.
- Okay.
- Fuck yes.
- Wicked.
- Is this it?
Yeah.
= Really?
- Yeah, look.
All of the lights are on.
It's broad daylight, and
the TV is stupidly loud.
Might as well put a sign
up saying nobody home.
- Are we sure about that?
- Trust me.
We could sit here
watching for the next hour
and you wouldn't see
a flicker of movement.
- Shit.
- Someone's beaten us to the job.
- Joking.
- No, there's three of them.
- They're all ginger!
- What?
I fucking knew it.
- I can't fucking believe it.
There's no point hanging around.
Let's blow.
That's good.
Check out the letter box.
I did that.
Stuff a little junk mail
in the box then leave it.
If anybody's home, they'll deal with it.
But if it's still there after
a few days, shopping time.
Let me show you how to pick a lock.
- Now this one's a little trickier,
but the principle's the same.
You see what I'm doing here?
- Yeah.
- Now this is only really necessary
if they've double locked it,
which, to be fair,
people often do when
they're away for a while.
- How did you know this place was free?
- This was the easiest one of all.
They keep posting holiday updates online.
Again, you might as well announce
that your place is empty.
There we go.
Told you.
Oh my God.
I can't believe we just done that.
We've just fleeced two whole houses.
- I know.
We're fucking professionals, man.
- The boot's completely full.
I know.
- You know, before we flog this lot off,
I know this one other place.
Should be a really good job.
We could stock it all back here with me.
It would certainly mean
more money at the end.
Seeing as we didn't do the first place.
Fucking mint.
- Okay, this is it.
- Fucking hell, this place is massive.
- They're newlyweds.
Should've gone off on their
honeymoon this morning.
- Newlyweds?
- Yeah.
- Can we steal from newlyweds.
I mean, isn't it a bit?
- Not really.
People are scum, newlyweds or not.
They'll screw you over in a heartbeat,
and just call it good business.
We're just getting there first.
Are you not okay with it?
- I'm okay with it.
- I'm okay with it.
- Well, I mean, obviously
I'm okay with it.
- Okay, good.
Then let me get around the back first,
just to make sure it's all clear,
and deal with any alarms.
You guys stay here, okay.
- Sure.
- Got it.
You sure it's okay to
steal from newlyweds?
It's probably okay, isn't it?
I'm sure it's okay, right?
Yeah.
- Yeah, cool.
- You're divine.
- Am I?
Nice.
- This could really be it.
I mean, if she manages
to sell enough stuff,
and gets a decent enough lump sum of cash,
we could really go somewhere.
We could escape, couldn't we?
- Fuckin' A.
- Oh, wait, here she comes.
- All clear.
Got the big gates open too,
so we can park up around the back.
- Okay.
- Shit, man.
I'd love a place like this.
Proper nice.
- Here, look.
You've seen how I do it, right?
Why don't you give it a go?
- Me?
- It is the last place.
Go on, you know what to do.
- Oh my God!
They've got a pool back here.
Fucking mint.
- That's it.
Now, lever it down a little bit more.
Now, holding that position,
gently rotate both hands
until you hear it click.
- I did it.
- Yeah, good job.
- They didn't even double lock it.
- You got lucky, I guess.
- Hey Simon.
- What's up?
- I just did the lock.
I got us in.
- Oh, nice one.
Oh, bollocks.
- Fucking hell.
Okay, no biggie.
We knew this could happen.
Help me get her in the back of the car.
Right, let's get stocked up then.
- Diamond.
Fuck, yes, this place is awesome.
- I know.
We should have a look round
first though, shall we?
- We should've come here first.
- Doesn't matter, we're here now.
What's through here?
- Christ!
- She wasn't kidding, was she?
- Presents.
I fucking love presents.
- It's like they've
bagged them all up for us.
- You want to take these things?
- Well, don't you?
- Fuck yeah, presents.
It's the best thing we've found all day.
- Okay, but first,
we should find out the
stuff that Cat can sell.
- What the fuck?
- I can't believe it.
- She stole our fucking wheels.
- She fucked us.
- I can't believe she fucked us.
- Well that's what you get
for trusting a burglar,
I suppose.
A proper one, I mean.
- Well, we still get to keep
the stuff from here though.
Right?
- Yeah, but who are we gonna sell it to?
- I don't know.
- We need cash, not stuff.
I suppose we should have a
look through the wedding gifts.
- Yeah, I want the presents.
- I know you do.
Come on.
- Hey!
I bet you get all sorts
of free stuff and upgrades
when you travel wearing this lot.
- That's not a bad idea.
And check this out.
There's a few hundred quid here as well.
- Fucking yes, mate, this is it!
This is it!
- I guess it's a start.
- We just gotta do it, man.
That's all we gotta do.
- Come on, then.
- Dress up!
It's fucking dress up!
You're looking really good.
- You're looking pretty dapper yourself.
- Come on then, let's go.
- No, no, no, hold your horses.
- What, what?
- Well, shouldn't we get some more clothes
to get changed into.
You know, so we don't
have to spend any money
on a new outfit, before we
get some from somewhere.
- Yeah, good idea.
- Okay, you stay here, see if
there's anything else we need.
I'll go upstairs, pack a bag of clothes,
and we'll be down here in
five minutes for a taxi.
- Yeah?
We're really doing it, for proper?
- Yeah, taxi in five minutes.
- Five minutes, nice one.
- Okay.
Simon?
- You get it?
- Did you light some candles?
- No.
Why, what's up?
- I think there might be someone in the house.
- What?
- I think there might
be someone in the house.
- Fuck.
Let's get out of here.
- No, not likely, there's double locks.
- So what do we do?
- Let's go out the back.
- Okay, good idea.
I smell gas.
- Yeah, me too.
- Oh shit, it's Dave Arjue.
Run!
- Holy Christ!
That's two.
Two houses in 24 hours.
- That was a close one though, wadn't it?
Phew.
- Fucking Cat.
- Hey?
- Tried to kill us.
- What, on purpose?
- Yeah.
- Tried to kill us?
- Yeah.
- The fucking cat did it?
- No.
Jehovah's Witness.
- Fuck.
- I know.
- I can't believe she tried to kill us.
- Used us completely.
- Flipping heck.
- There goes all the
money, and the clothes.
Oh, Simon, I'm not gonna fuck
you now, this is serious.
You had it down your pants?
- Yeah, for safety and that.
So we get a taxi now, right?
- Fucking A!
- Shouldn't we get like,
revenge or something?
- Haven't you read Moby Dick?
- Hey?
- I'm sorry, of course you
haven't read Moby Dick.
- Are you talking about
my massive knob again?
Are you guys on honeymoon then?
- Yeah, we're going traveling.
The good times start here.
- Oh, congratulations on your happy day.
May the Lord shine his light upon you.
Can I persuade you to take a flyer today?
- What are you, man?
- I'm a Jehovah's Witness.
- Are you getting married?
Let's see if I can't get you
bumped up to first class.
So, decisions
made, wheels in motion,
and we're off.
Call it running away if
you will, but frankly,
whatever gets your ass
into gear has done the job.
So, blah.
We're heading out
to start afresh,
see the world, and, of course,
see loads of your houses.
Always vigilant.
Always checking for cameras.
And always making sure the gas isn't on.
We are your friendly,
world-wide, home sitters.
- Annabelle Hind.
Fuck it.
I quit.
Yeah, you heard.
I fucking quit!
You can't fucking quit.
Your fucking job.
I do fucking quit!
You can't fucking quit!