Home Sweet Home Alone (2021) - full transcript
Max Mercer, a mischievous and resourceful young boy who has been left behind while his family is in Japan for the holidays. So when a married couple attempting to retrieve a priceless heirloom sets their sights on the Mercer family's home, it is up to Max to protect it from the trespassers, and he will do whatever it takes to keep them out. The reboot promises hilarious hijinks of epic proportions, and despite the absolute chaos, Max eventually comes to realize that there really is no place like home sweet home.
- Merry Christmas.
And our kitchen connects to
a little dining room right over there.
Now you mentioned you wanted
an open concept.
- Cool, I am obsessed with open concept.
Open is my favorite concept.
Well, here they are,
Pam and Jeff McKenzie, the owners.
I was just telling the Breckins
that they could probably knock down
some of these walls
and make it one, big, open space.
- Not mad at that.
Well, you just wanna be careful,
'cause if those are load-baring walls
and you knock one down,
the whole place could collapse.
Um, it's not a Jenga tower, Jeff.
It's not a Jenga tower, Jeff.
And Pam is a teacher
at Winnetka Elementary.
Am I right? Yes.
The schools here are amazing.
Um, yeah. Some of the best in the state.
They are totally lit.
Especially since they put in
new metal detectors.
Jeff. What are you doing?
Uh, Jeff, uh,
could you go get some more
bottled water to everyone.
Can you get some more bottled water?
Ooh. Mm-hmm. Yep.
- Mum, I really have to pee.
- I cannot believe you need to go again.
I told you to use the restroom
in the coffee shop.
After Uncle Stu had been in there? Really?
Did you see how many deviled eggs
he had for lunch?
Oh, goodness. Um.
You'll just have to wait till we get home.
You sure about that? Do the maths.
Six soda refills into one, tiny,
ten-year-old's bladder does not go.
-Okay. I've got an idea.
You're gonna have to pretend with Mummy.
We're gonna have to pretend
we're going to buy a house.
Ooh! Can I get one of those?
Uh, that might be a question
for your parents,
just 'cause there's a lot of sugar
in them, so…
Wow, you're so tall.
You almost look like Frankenstein.
Oh, you mean Frankenstein's monster.
Frankenstein is the doctor, FYI.
Uh. Cool dolls.
Well, they're not mine.
Um. They belonged to my mother.
Sure they did.
Oh! What's wrong with this one?
Yeah, I don't know.
But they're very delicate, so why don't
we just leave them right there.
Oh. Little boy doesn't wanna share
Ah, I get it. You're one of those guys.
-What do you mean?
-I don't know. You tell me.
-There you are.
-Oh! Hi, Mom.
Doesn't he look like Frankenstein to you?
I-- Max. I am so sorry.
No, he doesn't look like Frankenstein.
He looks like Frankenstein's monster.
I'm sorry. Has he been bothering you?
No. He's a delight.
Aw, well, he has his moments.
Ooh! Is that a Schneider Kinder?
I saw these on Treasure Trunk,
that antiques show. I love that show.
There was this elderly lady who'd bought
one at a garage sale for about $10.
And then it ended up
going for about $5,000.
Wow, 5,000 bucks
for an ugly, little porcelain kid.
I didn't get half that
for selling my real kids.
-I think we should go home.
I can't wait to go home and share
one toilet with nine bloomin' cousins.
Maxwell Johan Mercer.
What is with you today, hmm?
Carol Ellen Mercer, take a guess?
You know what? How's about we just spend
Christmas in Tokyo without you?
- Great idea.
- I'll leave Grammy with you.
- Oh, yes, Grammy.
- Then you'll have to go to bed
at 6:00 p.m. every evening
and help her with her bath.
Oh, that sounds great. Where do I sign up?
No McDonald's for you on the way home.
You can't promise
a kid McDonald's and not deliver.
What a McShame.
Ooh. That's good.
Darling, home. Car. Now. Come on.
I'm sorry I lashed out at you,
but I just don't see why
we have to share our house
with every stupid relative we have.
I mean, it's Christmas.
Exactly, and Christmas
is all about spending time with family.
Even if everything they do
makes you anxious or furious and insane.
Because that is the meaning of Christmas.
All right, McKenzies.
We have chummed the--
Chummed the waters. And I think
we've gotten a couple of nibbles.
Now I know you guys wanna sell
as soon as possible,
but I don't think
we're gonna get any major bites
until after the holiday season.
I don't know.
The guy Jeff saw looking through my
underwear drawer seemed interested, no?
Yes, but I don't think
in buying the house. But don't worry.
The Breckins are circling the boat,
so I'll stay on top of them.
The kids are home.
Why are we scared of the kids?
We haven't told them
we're selling the house.
Hi, guys. I thought you were gonna call
after the movie was over.
Oh, no, we just took an Uber.
Yeah, I'm doing some thinking, you know?
This is a very good spot for thinking.
-I love this space.
Who are you?
-This is Gavin. And he is, um--
Your personal trainer. That-- Yes.
-I'm gonna be training your flabby dad.
These are a gesture to say congratulations
for taking your first step.
You got to take care of yourself.
We're gonna get rid of
that jelly belly, Dad. Am I right?
Get rid of the jelly belly.
We're gonna put some muscle
on that flat, pancake butt.
-Thank you, Gavin.
I'm just gonna take off real quick,
and I'm gonna see y'all later.
And I'm looking forward to that butt.
-Can I have a go? Can I have a go?
-You do it!
- Please, just one quick go.
-Max, clean up all this crap right now.
I just stepped on a Lego.
It's the most painful thing in the world.
I'm winning over here.
I understand that our flight
was canceled and rebooked.
No, my problem is that you have split
our family onto two separate flights.
I'm sorry, can you speak up, please?
It's very loud in here.
You can never catch me. Jerk!
Don't touch me, perv. I'm your sister.
Homebot, what year is it in Japan?
Guys, seriously, who keeps
swapping the Homebot to German?
-Homebot, nein! Nein!
Guys, Homebot is not a toy--
No, no, stop! Stop it!
Homebot is not a toy!
I'm sick of this bullsh--
We don't have to tell Santa
about that, right, Goobie?
You need to project when you speak.
-Sir, I am not taking a tone with you.
I'm simply saying that you have put me
on a different flight to my children.
-The computer won't let you?
- What is the computer? Is it God?
- Guys, guys--
- Mum. Mum!
- Guess what? Spanking's on the menu!
Max, please! You are not
the only person in this house, darling.
I wish I was.
Boys, don't make me run.
I have tendinitis.
- Lay down your arms!
- Americans, please!
-How many do you have?
-Three pepperonis and three pineapples.
-Let's just get--
-Everybody loves pineapple.
I've still gotta do some packing
and some laundry.
Can you come and eat, please?
Seriously. We're gonna be up at 5:00 a.m.
Stop. You'll break your neck.
And look at your suitcases.
We expect major, major delays
at the airport.
We don't know when O'Hare is
gonna be able to get back…
What was that today? Metal detectors?
What? They have them.
I'm sorry. Is that not "lit"?
Okay, we are trying to
sell the house, Jeff.
You're the one who said
it's our only option,
so I need you on my team, okay?
I know. I know. I just--
Today, it felt real, and I didn't like it.
You think I do?
I always thought we'd get old and weird
in this house.
We've done the math.
We can't afford it on my salary alone.
Yeah, but I crushed my interview with IBM.
You crushed it. Crushed it!
But that was three months ago.
Any company with a brain needs
a good data migration manager, okay?
I wouldn't trust an algorithm
to port over a MySQL database
to a new server
without any human oversight.
But it might take a while
to find another job.
You said it yourself.
The data migration boom is over.
It's the cloud.
So I need you to get on board, okay?
Come on. It's our last Christmas here.
Let's try to enjoy it.
Tons of fun.
Guess what? We're outside!
- Get up.
- Queen Latifah.
Get up. Your brother's here.
Gosh, I miss the snow!
-Hey. What are you doing--
We flew in early to get ahead of
snowpocalypse or whatever.
Snowpocalypse is better.
Hey, babe. Hurry up.
-Who's that? Aah.
Pamuel L. Jackson! Bring it in.
Hi, Hunter. Hi.
Here she is!
Oh, we would've called, but we thought
it would be fun to surprise you.
-Are you surprised?
We are surprised. We're very surprised.
I know. It's so cute here.
- Aunt Mei!
- So quaint-- Hi!
Hi, my adorables.
I didn't think you were coming
I'm here now.
We all thought she was coming tomorrow,
but she's come in the dead of night.
Hey, Ollie, look who it is.
- It's Uncle Jeff. Hey.
- Hey, buddy!
Ollie, look! Snow!
Good to see you, buddy.
He has gotten so big.
Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry.
It's the last one.
It's the last one. I promise, okay?
Mind giving our luggage a tuggage?
I wanna get that guy situated.
Yeah, we had a great year.
Oh, great arm, buddy!
-Ollie, that is not a toy.
-I'll get it.
We're teaching him Spanish!
What did I tell you about taking
other people's stuff?
-Where do you have us set up?
-Oh, in the den on the pullout.
In the den on the pullout. Yeah, okay.
Wow, that lady wasn't kidding.
What-- Where is it?
That brat kid stole my doll.
My mom's doll.
How am I gonna find this kid?
Maxwell Johan Mercer.
Carol Ellen Mercer.
You have arrived at your destination.
Get in the car!
You need to get in a car now.
We are so late. You have no idea.
- What was that for?
- I legit might cry right now.
I need that for cheerleading, you cretin.
Son of a sandwich!
Get in the car!
We're gonna miss the flight,
you guys. Come on!
Uh, hi, my dude. Um...
Is Carol Mercer home?
No, Carol took the early flight.
She booked the cars.
That's why they're in her name.
These are our cars. We need to go.
Will you be a mensch?
-Put that in the back for us, huh?
Bethany, is this a good time
for a selfie in front of an Uber?
Text that to me.
Okay, guys, get in the car!
Give your stuff to the driver.
-If I miss the duty-free shop…
-I'm not the driver.
…I am going to shave somebody's head.
Blake, you do realize
they sell alcohol in Japan?
Hey, big news, Stu.
Duty-free shops sell
Hey, buddy. I'm gonna give that to you
and ask you to take real good care of it.
It's got my sleep apnea machine in there.
Do you know if Carol's son, Max, is home?
If you don't see him,
he's halfway to Tokyo by now. All right.
Is that everyone?
The cars are leaving now.
Everybody, say cheese.
Somebody that lives here, what's the code?
-Thank you, Ricky!
Guess who's number one
to get his head shaved?
It's Ricky! Code!
-One, one, one, two.
-One, one, one, two. Brilliant.
That's a bad code.
Here we go. All right.
but I really do need to talk to Carol.
Yes. Don't worry. I'll make sure that
Carol gives you five stars in the app.
Reputation is everything.
Oh, hey, wait! Wait!
What the heck are you looking at?
I'm sorry. I'm having a bad day.
There it is.
One, one, one, two.
Okay, it's just a dog.
I'm being ridiculous. I've gone insane.
I'm a good, normal man.
I'm gonna talk to Pam.
I'm just a neighbor helping.
I water their dogs-- plants.
I'm a friend of Carol's. A friend of--
Carol Ellen Mercer is her name.
I gotta call Pam.
Where is he?
I'm not sure where he is.
I'm sorry. Sorry.
-Here we go. Sorry. Hi.
-Is everything okay?
-Yeah, fine. Thank you.
-What are you wearing?
-I didn't have time to change.
-You look ridiculous.
- Thank you.
- Season's greetings, seniors.
I apologize for the delay,
but we all saw the reason why.
My D-flat has decided
that the world runs on his time.
Without further ado,
I give you the Ne'er-Do-Bells.
Hands on bells.
Raise the bells.
Two, three, four.
-So did you get my voice mail?
All of this happened
in the last two hours?
Yeah, the doll is in that house.
I saw it in his jacket.
-Why didn't you tell me this?
-I thought I would handle it myself.
And your way of handling it
was breaking and entering?
Just entering. I had the key.
- It's still against the law, Jeff.
- Like a lightbulb.
Oh, my gosh. This is so terrible.
But that's why I didn't do it, Columbo.
What are we gonna do now?
We need that doll.
I know we do, okay? Just let me think.
- Uh, like Monopoly!
-That's too late.
Boo. Sounds like garbage.
-Herman, no. None of that.
-Well, it does.
Here's what we're gonna do.
We will wait until they
come back from vacation,
and then I will go over there.
I will tell the mom everything,
and we'll get the doll back.
Get it together.
Are you sure we should wait?
Yes, Jeff. I don't want my husband
spending Christmas in jail.
Our future is in that house, Pam.
Come on. What could happen to it
in an empty house?
It's okay, Martha.
Don't blame her. That's you.
Shame on you. This is my life choice.
It's a Christmas miracle.
Oh, come on, mate!
All right, Internet. Show me your worst.
Well played, Mum and Dad.
Pam, that doll is worth $238,000,
and is it really a crime to steal
something that was stolen from you?
Yes, that's what O.J. got in trouble for.
The second time.
-Okay, I just think--
-Look, I know that you wanna save the day
because you feel bad
about losing your job.
What's wrong with that?
The fact that you will feel a lot worse
telling your kids you're…
in jail for committing a felony.
No, it's a misdemeanor.
Yeah, I looked it up.
That is evidence. Do you know
how to clear your search history?
Yeah. I mean,
well, I probably--
-I-I'm sure I could figure it out.
We made a plan.
Let's just stick to it, okay?
- Mom, Dad, look at us.
-You like 'em? Look at Ollie.
He's a little elf.
He's so smart. We handed 'em to him.
He put 'em right on.
Um, could I get some,
uh, reindeer antlers for Pam
and a pair of the little elf glasses
for my brother?
-Ollie, we need big smiles from you, okay?
-Look at Mommy.
Big smiles, Ollie. Big smiles.
Little guy comes alive
in front of the camera.
Um, okay, cute photo much?
I mean, come on. Look at that.
Look at what's happened there.
It's an adorable image.
It's cute. It's super cute.
It's a special memory.
And since we are paper-free
at the North Pole,
you can actually use this code
to download that special memory
right from the cloud.
Wh-- So, you're not even using
solid-state storage on-site?
- I don't know what that means.
- I'll tell you what it means.
What it means is, you're entirely
at the whim of a hosted service provider
for virtualization and backup.
Sir, I'm not a woman in tech.
-I'm a woman in memories.
-You know, it's not a video game.
-She doesn't care.
-I don't understand
why you'd be so cavalier
with something this important.
What is this?
New fashion, honey. We gotta--
We gotta switch up these colors.
- Mom, look at how cute this is.
- So cute.
- Can I get it?
Oh, honey, no.
I'm sorry, that's way too much.
Okay, no, no, no. I can't stand
the thought of you not having that.
Consider it an early Christmas present
from Auntie Mei-Mei.
You're gonna look so hot. Come on.
- Are you kidding?
A top for you.
I'll tell you what
I am gonna give you, Snakes.
I'm gonna give you 'til the count of ten
to get your ugly, yellow, no-good keister…
-Ugh, this is garbage.
-…off my spaceship…
I don't know why they're always
trying to remake the classics.
Never as good as the originals.
You want some more P-corn, C-Train?
-Oh, yeah, that'd be great.
- One, two…
- I don't remember this guy.
Whoa! Ho, ho!
Nearly lost your house there,
-Put the topper on.
-Should we put it on together?
- One, two, three.
Santa came! Santa came!
Santa came! Santa came! Santa came!
I'm so excited.
-Oh, my God!
-Oh, my God!
Home sweet home.
Mom, you gotta save our house.
will you just get the doll?
It's just entering, Pam. We have the key.
Pam, you have to call me.
-Come and get me.
Now, Fräulein. Now!
I will, you ugly, little boy!
Keep the change, ya filthy earthling.
Well, I think you're very handsome.
-Where are we going?
-To get some milk.
Oh, well, there's plenty of milk
in the fridge, Pammy.
No, you guys have a ton of milk.
You're all set on milk.
Uh, eggnog. We need--
We're gonna get some eggnog.
- You've seen the weather, right?
- It's snowmageddon out there.
Yeah, snowpocalypse, babe.
Snowpocalypse is better.
-Are you gonna be okay to drive?
-Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Yes. We are okay to drive.
Honey, your instincts were right.
We can't leave a winning lottery ticket
in some stranger's house.
Yeah, yeah. We are doing this.
Oh, honey, that's Beechtree.
Honey, steer into the slide.
N-No, y-you steer into a skid.
Pam, I watched an episode
of Locked Up earlier today on demand,
I can't go to jail, honey.
I wouldn't last 30 seconds in gen pop.
It's where fresh fish get got.
I need you to focus.
Nobody here is getting got.
The only thing getting got is that doll.
So let's go get it!
-Can you unlock the door?
Why are we standing still?
Because the light is motion-activated,
and if we stand still, it'll turn off.
Yeah, but it's just gonna turn back on
when we move again.
So, why are we standing still now?
I don't know. I'm not good at this.
And we're criminals.
Two, two, two, one.
Be careful. Don't slip.
They did leave in a hurry.
-Where'd you see the kid's jacket?
-It was right here.
Well, we tried.
A jacket can't just get up and walk away.
It has to be here somewhere.
Hey, don't bail on me.
We're a team.
Him? I knew he was weird.
All we have to do
is find that ugly, little boy.
And then some crazy, old lady
will pay us $200,000 for him.
just to put him in a room,
clean him off with her little brushes,
and show him off to all her friends.
May I feed him
a piece of this gross, old lady candy?
Of course. That's all he eats.
Oh, Gertrude. He's perfect.
Worth every penny.
Five grand for an ugly, porcelain kid.
I didn't get half that for my real kids.
We're not leaving here without him.
I don't think so.
Homebot, call the police.
There's someone home.
And she's German.
Okay, on three, we run. One.
Whoa, that was fast.
Did somebody slip and fall?
Is this your residence?
Well, I certainly hope so.
Otherwise, I've been cleaning somebody
else's sinks for the past 14 years.
Is there a problem, Officer?
Honey, why don't you go warm up the car?
We got a call.
Your home alarm's been triggered.
the code is our anniversary, so…
you think he's gonna remember that?
I'm sure you never forget
your anniversary, do you, Officer?
Oh, no, no.
No ring on this finger, ma'am.
No one's been able to tame
this wild stallion.
Well, I envy the filly
who eventually ropes you in.
Another time, another place.
A whole lot of what-ifs, Officer.
Anyway, I'm so sorry
we wasted your time.
Is there anything else
I can help you with tonight?
No, don't worry 'bout it. No.
Unless you want me to arrest your husband
for missing your anniversary, huh?
Is it bad if a part of me says,
"Yeah, I do want that"?
What's so funny?
What are you waiting for? Detain them.
- Detain them!
What was that?
Nah, nah, we're all good.
What say you and your hubby
have a nice holiday.
And a good night.
Wait, you're letting them get away.
And-- And then those people
broke into my house,
-…think they're trying to kidnap me or--
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you saying your parents
left you home alone?
Alone? Alone? Alone?
Why did you have to
tell anyone, Max?
Why did you have to open your big mouth?
Maybe the police is a bad idea.
You know what?
This whole house-to-myself thing might not
have been the best idea, Homebot.
How do you
switch back to English?
Changing language to English.
Oh, that was easy.
Homebot, call Mum.
I'm sorry. Voice calling is not available
on this Homebot device.
So what do I do, Homebot?
I can't call my mum,
and if I tell the police or anyone else,
they'll put my parents in jail.
A blue whale's veins are big enough
for an adult human to swim through.
How is that supposed to help?
What time is it in Tokyo?
It is 11:37 a.m. tomorrow in Tokyo, Japan.
Good night, Max.
Wha-- Are you-- Are you serious?
So at no point you thought
to check with me?
You just assumed
that Max was on the other flight?
We didn't take a census. I--
Stu, did you assume he was on the plane?
Carol, I swear to you. That boy
was not in the house when we left.
And where do you think he was, Stu?
At the-- At the Four freaking Seasons?
He had fish curry on the plane.
We probably got a hard 30
before we're gonna see Stu.
You do realize that,
because of you, I'm in Japan,
and my ten-- ten-year-old son
is at home by himself?
Yeah, but-- but first-world problems,
-Stop it. Listen, listen, stop it!
I got that at Brookstone.
Dad's five minutes away.
He's at the travel desk
and could only get one ticket home.
Yes, hello. Beechtree Lane.
-Beech with two E's.
Can you send an officer right away?
Did somebody call the house?
No, because we don't have a landline.
Nobody has a landline anymore.
Yes, Stu, nobody has a landline anymore
because it's not 1993.
What's your next idea? Should I beep him
after I listen to the new MC Hammer joint?
What about the neighbors?
Call one of the neighbors.
-Activate the prayer chain.
-We don't know the neighbors, Blake.
We only moved there two months ago.
I don't think we even know their names.
Everybody we know is back in London.
Well, Mum, where are you going?
I'm going to go to the airport, darling,
because I can't sit here while my son is--
I mean-- God, where is my passport?
-It's in your hand.
-It's in my hand. It's in my hand.
See, Carol? Under stress, people make
mistakes that we should forgive.
You know? People forget passports.
- Stop it.
Oh, darling, happy Christmas.
Mummy loves you very much. Okay?
Uh, what's happening?
Did Carol leave?
What-- What's going on?
Car 18, car 18.
You near Lincoln Heights?
We got a call about a minor,
one Maxwell Mercer.
Parents are on vacation
and think he might have been left behind.
-Address is 36 Beechtree Lane.
-Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
You can ignore that.
That is a prank call. Over.
- Prank call?
Listen, when I was a kid,
my family went on vacation.
We forgot my little brother Kevin.
He called in the 289 to mess with me.
The idiot does it every year.
Are, uh, you sure about that?
Yes, I'm sure about that!
I know for a fact that there is
no forgotten child at that address.
I was just there
for a bogus home-alarm call, okay?
Guess what? The place had
a McCallister Home Alarm system.
Oh, gee, a coincidence? I don't think so.
Yeah. So can you
just drive by and check it out?
I'm on my way now.
Nice try, Kevin. Nice try.
Hey. We saved you some seats
'cause you were running late.
- People are still coming in.
Hey, we saved you a seat
'cause you were running late to church.
I've got an app
that will ping your assistant,
let you know when you're running late.
I'll send it to you.
-Okay. Thank you.
Hey, so that dress is really…
-Her shoulder is so bare.
-You see the full--
-You see her full shoulder.
-They grow up so fast, don't they?
-Oh, Gavin. What are you doing here?
Well, it's Christmas Eve. It's the day
that everybody goes to church.
-Am I right?
Peace be unto you. Peace be unto you.
Is that how you say it? Peace be unto--
Oh, this is nice.
You dudes have been ghosting me.
What up with that?
-But I've got some news.
Houston, we have an offer.
Um, it's an offer for your dad's,
uh, personal training.
And since you already paid
for that jelly belly,
I'm gonna throw in some abs and thighs.
That's what that is.
Hey, Chris, honey, why don't you go
put that, uh, toy in the toy-drive area.
Yeah, we're so proud of you.
We really are.
Well, I'm definitely a child in need.
Need of this.
-Can I help you?
Can I get a shopping cart, please?
These toys are for children
less fortunate than you.
Thought it was too good to be true.
Thank you, young man.
And I hope you both have a very,
very happy Christmas.
-Why? What's wrong? Parent trouble?
Tell me about it.
They think I don't notice
that they're stressed,
but it's super obvious.
Some weird guy keeps showing up
pretending to be a personal trainer.
So? What do you say?
-What-- Who-- Who made this offer?
-Oh, the Breckins.
Remember the young couple from the city?
Yeah, so they need to sign the contract
before the new year.
Something about a tax thing.
-We can't do that.
Yeah, rich people. Am I right?
We're the worst.
But listen, we're not gonna get
a better offer than this.
So, why don't you take the holiday,
think it over and get back to me.
All right? No presh.
Well, maybe a little presh.
All right, you know,
it's a lot of presh, actually.
All right, cool. Merry Christmas.
You know what? Can I give you
a couple of my business cards?
Yeah. Gavin Washington. I do real estate.
At least you're with your mum and dad.
Mine have gone to Tokyo.
I'm totally on my own.
That's the coolest thing ever.
I thought it would be,
and for about an hour, it was.
But now I'm just lonely.
Here. Have this.
Sounds like you deserve it
as much as anybody.
Enjoy it with your family.
That's what makes it special.
Thank you. You're a kind little boy.
I think that Santa's gonna bring you
everything you want this year.
That'd be nice, but to be honest,
all I really want is my mum and dad back.
Oh, dear. Well, when did you lose them?
Um, two days ago.
Oh. Right at Christmas?
You poor little thing.
But who's taking care of you?
Uh, it's just me and Goobie at home,
but we're getting by all right.
For Zion's sake,
I will not keep silent…
Pam. Pam, it's the kid.
You're right. It is. Who's the old lady?
Oh, at the open house, the kid's mom said
she was gonna leave the kid behind
with the grandmother.
I can't believe
she went through with that.
So grandma's the German.
Grandma's the German.
All right. So what's the plan?
It's perfect. We go now while
they're not home and get our doll back.
The way old ladies drive, we'll be in
and out before they leave the parking lot.
Wow, I need to come to church more often.
The street's too hot right now.
We'll wait till it gets dark.
We'll go around back.
Okay, Axel Foley.
-Sorry, did you just hear stand-- standby?
Sorry, sorry, sorry. Excuse me, excuse me,
excuse me. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Sorry, uh, sorry. Uh, konnichiwa.
When will the--
the stand-- the standby seats,
um, be announced? When?
Ma'am, I'd be more than happy to help you
after you stand in the line behind you.
Thank you, and happy season.
I am trying to get home to my son,
who's alone and scared,
and he needs his mother.
So I need you to answer my question
Standby seat assignments will be announced
after the check-in window closes
approximately one hour before departure.
Oh, not a problem.
Thank you for flying with us.
So we're doing this?
Yeah, just act casual.
-Just going for a walk.
It's just a stroll through
people's backyards a-at night.
Through some undergrowth.
-It's the most natural thing in the world.
Do you know where you're going?
Yes. Now follow me.
…you shall be a crown of beauty
in the hands of the Lord.
Hey, where are they?
"Forgot to preheat the oven.
Be back soon."
-That's a two-person job?
-I don't know.
- Oh, look. It's starting.
-Oh, here we go.
-Oh, look at Abby. She looks so good.
This is it.
Why's the wall so high?
It's not like it's Buckingham Palace.
Okay. Here's what we'll do.
I'm gonna boost you up, and then when you
get to the top, you'll lift me up.
-Do you think you can do that?
-Oh, my God.
-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Just get up there.
- Now climb up me.
Take my hand.
Get up there.
I'm nearly up.
It's okay, Pam. I--
A side gate? Really?
I'm sorry, but it's not like
you saw the gate either.
Oh, I'm-- I'm fine by the way.
That's our little girl.
-Try the door.
"…the difference being
that the clothes are made to fit you,
while you have to be made
to fit the tree."
let your father hear you say that.
"…wanted to with their buckets.
And how ardently they grew to love their…"
- The wrong house. That's on me.
- Yeah, yeah. I get the sense it was.
Okay, let's just go next door.
That's where he lives.
We're gonna check it out.
We're in a swimming pool!
Pulling you up! Come here!
- What should I do?
- Get on my back!
"…one step, they leapt
into the sky toward Neverland."
Why are man and lady drowning?
No. They're not drowning.
They're in the sky flying.
- I'm up. I'm up. Okay.
Swim. Swim to me.
I got you.
Pull you up. Come here.
And you're out.
What are we doing?
I am a teacher.
You're a data…
- Migration manager.
Maybe the universe is trying to
tell us something, you know?
I mean, maybe we
should just cut our losses.
We're not giving up.
We need a W, Pam.
We do deserve a W.
We're good people, Pam.
And we're gonna lose our home
because Harry stinkin' Potter
comes into our house and steals
the only thing that can fix our problems.
No. That's an injustice.
Yeah. That's not fair.
And-- And who are we if we give up now?
I mean, what do we say to our kids?
"Oh, sorry we flushed your life
down the toilet,
but life kept smacking us down
with klepto kids
and German grandmothers
and the stupid cloud."
I hate you, cloud.
Enough is enough.
Our W, our family's W, is in that house,
and we're gonna get it.
Well, I don't know about right now.
I mean, they could come home
at any second.
Also, my pants are starting to freeze.
Oh, mine too.
Like, I don't feel that.
So let's come back later, you know?
Like after dinner, after b-bedtime even.
Midnight, you know? Like after--
after the old lady's gone to sleep.
Yeah, but what if the kid wakes up?
You know, kids are always running down
in the middle of the night
to see if Santa came.
What if I dress as Santa?
He'll think I'm just Saint Nick.
But this Santa's gonna be leaving
with that $200,000 ugly little boy
in his sack.
And that's how we win.
Okay. Midnight it is, Mr. Claus.
I'm not spending my best years
in some old lady's bedroom.
Homebot, search good booby traps.
I'm sorry, the parental controls
of this system restrict the term "booby."
-I love this dress.
-Ollie, Ollie, what is that?
-Hey, did you take that from the church?
Mom, Dad, where were you?
And wha-- what happened?
A car drove through a puddle
and splashed us.
- Imagine that.
Well, we should get dinner ready, huh?
-Am I looking at your screen?
-I didn't even realize I'm doing it.
-Sorry, you're doing it again.
-I'm still doing it?
-I just-- I just can't help it, you know?
This is my screen,
and that's your screen, so…
-No, I know that. I know how screens work.
You know they got TV and films on there?
Yep, yep, fully aware.
I'm just, um, eager to get home.
It's like watching a watched pot, though.
It's not gonna boil.
Yeah, well, it might one day.
-I'll just get some sleep.
-Would you like some of my blanket? Okay.
-Sorry. I'm sorry.
So, Mei wanted to spend Christmas
in Hawaii this year,
but I told her, we just gotta suck it up
and come here
because I knew you guys
would appreciate it.
He could be a model, and he's only--
- How old are you? Four, right?
- Like a runway model?
Any kind of model. They say he has
an incredible body for a boy his age.
-Here you go. Just for the kids.
That's not the most expensive thing
we bought you.
We can't keep those. Thank you.
Oh, look at those snuggly,
little elves all ready for bed.
Only a half-hour left till Christmas.
See you in the morning.
Locked and loaded.
Okay, we have a plan.
If we stick to it, we'll be back
before anyone will even notice.
Honey, slow down.
Babe, slow down.
I'm trying. It's so icy.
Put on the brakes!
-Steer into the slide.
You pump into a slide,
and you steer into a skid.
-Which one is this?
-I'm not sure.
- Okay. It's all over.
-Could've been worse. Could've--
Okay. Let's shake that off and focus.
We are doing this.
We are doing it.
We'll be in and out before you--
This is not going well.
I think I shattered my coccyx.
Be careful, Jeff. It's slippery.
Oh, really? Thanks for letting me know.
I think I've worked out a good method.
How are you doing?
Good. I'm getting there.
I'm gonna make it.
All right. I'm doing this.
- I'm right behind you, babe.
- One more step and I got it.
- Save me!
- Okay. I got you.
The motion sensor.
- Why is it so bright?
Why is it so dark?
Come over here, honey. Come over here.
What's the lumen count on that thing?
Hey, what if they're awake?
Now it's re-tangling.
Go the other way. Now turn. Face.
-It's getting more wrapped up.
- You're not helping.
- Yes, I am.
-Okay. Yeah, I did it.
I'm going round back.
"Dear Santa. I tried waiting up
for you, but I'm too sleepy.
Come on in!"
Why milk hot?
You know, I guess my mum was right.
Soda is bad for you.
Wait! We just want our doll--
Stop! We can talk.
We just want our--
How the heck do you have so much soda?
My parents buy in bulk.
It's more cost effective.
And forget about taking
this $200,000 ugly boy.
We're not here to hurt you.
Please, just calm down,
and we can talk about this rationally.
So easy on the soda, okay?
Ow! Ow! Ooh!
One, one, one, two--
Santa? Is that you?
Ho! Ho! Ho! How are you, little boy?
Orange stripe, center pocket.
Ooh! That did not sound right.
So hot and so cold
at the same time.
Where am I?
What is this?
Okay. I'm okay. I have all my parts.
Am I dead? Is this dead?
That's too high! I'm too high.
I don't like--
Where have you taken me?
You can do this, McKenzie.
Okay, you just gotta make it across.
Just one small jump.
One, two, three!
There's something blocking the door.
He's hurting me, Pam.
Me too, baby. Me too.
Little, limey monster
tried to set me on fire.
Why's he doing this to us, Pam?
He just told me our 200 grand
is getting away.
He has our doll,
and he knows what it's worth.
We have to get it back.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
The Eiffel Tower?
Don't you dare judge me.
I'm doing this for my family.
You learned anything?
Just that this kid owns a lot of Legos.
We are coming in…
I forgot the word for peace.
-Yeah, look it up.
-Okay, let's see.
"Pancake." No. "Potato." "Paralysis."
- Up here.
- Oh, hey.
- Okay. So-- So listen.
- We just wanna talk.
Would you just stop and talk to us?
We are coming in Frieden.
Frieden is peace.
Come on up and get me!
He put butter on the stairs.
Flour, milk and butter.
He's turning me into a cookie.
Well, you need sugar for a cookie.
Who raised this little monster?
I think we should go back home.
There is no going back.
This is who we are now.
This is the life we've chosen.
We've gone to the other side.
You'll never find me.
Harry Potter turned me into a pincushion.
Good job, honey. I'll be right there.
Oh, no. You hit me
with the incredibly soft yoga ball.
Go get him, Jeff.
Given up yet? Or are you thirsty for more?
Eight ball. Your face.
There's nowhere to run now, little man.
We'll see about that.
Pam, he jumped off the balcony!
Oh, no. A ladder.
You really think I'm that stupid?
Yes. Yes, I do.
That's it. Time's up, little guy.
That's far enough.
Well, hello there.
I'll do it.
Please, please, please no more pool balls.
Drop the gun.
Not a chance.
I'm not playing around, lady.
He's not. He-- He shot me
with several pool balls tonight.
This stops here.
You picked the wrong mom to mess with.
Honey, are you okay?
Please, no more Legos or fire
or freaking thumbtacks.
We just wanna talk.
Yeah, right. I heard your plan.
You wanna kidnap "the ugly boy"
and sell me to some old lady
for 200 large.
And I'm not ugly.
My mum says I've got character.
Is that why you made this death maze?
Kid, we just want our doll back.
The one you stole from our house.
The boy with the bad face. The ugly boy.
That? I didn't steal that.
I'm ten years old.
Why on earth would I want a doll?
Oh, no. This is bad.
We did a bad thing.
One of the worst bads we could've done.
I think we need to wake up your grandma.
You wanna call my grandma in England?
No. The grandma who's staying here.
My grandma's not staying with me.
Well, then who is?
No one. It's just me.
Wait, where are your parents?
Oh. Sweetie, I am so sorry.
If we had known you were staying here
we would've handled things
a lot differently.
We wouldn't have broken into your home
This was just a huge misunderstanding.
Now, why don't you just put
that heavy gun down?
Oh, sweetie, come here.
You're safe now.
We'll take care of you, okay?
Okay, I know what it looks like…
But that was genuinely an accident.
Well, I hope so.
I gotta go take a-- I'm gonna go sit down.
Okay. Let's call your parents
and let them know that you're okay.
You can stay with us till they get back.
I'm gonna be in so much trouble.
Your mom is just gonna be happy
to see you. I promise.
But-- But then you'll be in trouble.
Pretty bad, I would-- I would imagine.
I think we're all gonna have
quite a bit of explaining to do.
Okay, so, you go to this kid's house,
because you think he stole the doll…
…and on the way there, you hit a tree,
which is why…
And then when you get to this kid's house,
he's home alone?
-Yes. Pretty much, yeah. Yes.
How about your mom?
Have you talked to her?
Yeah, we called her when she landed.
She cried happy tears.
I didn't even know you could do that.
So, are we moving?
I'm sorry, guys…
But we got an offer on the house,
and we can't afford not to take it.
But it's okay,
because what makes this house
so special to us is us.
Your mum speaks a lot of sense.
Without my mum and dad,
my house really didn't feel like home.
Oh, babe, what if one of those open house
poacher people took the doll?
-Jeff, have you heard about this?
They just come into your house and take
all of your valuables. It's crazy.
Greta Van Susteren did a thing about it
on 60 Minutes.
-Full hour. Yeah.
-Greta Van Susteren knows.
But it's gone now, and,
you know, we need to--
Ollie, angel, do not move.
That was incredible.
Are you okay?
Yeah. Yeah, I think we both are.
Hey, who would've thought Ollie
was gonna save the day, right?
- Yay, baby. Good job, my love.
- Good job, buddy.
Oh. I'm so sorry we left you, darling.
Let me look at you.
You've got a great kid.
Yeah. Yeah, I really do.
He's very creative.
Creative. Yes. He's so creative.
Thank you. That's nice to, um--
Wow, that really was some fender bender.
You should see the tree.
Do-- Do you wanna stay?
Because we have a lot of eggnog.
They got more nog than they know
what to do with.
Oh. Uh, uh, thank you, but, uh, no.
I-- I, um…
I just wanna get this guy home now.
Never been so excited to see my house.
Home is where the heart is.
"Sweet Home Alabama."
-Where do they wind up at the end?
You're probably too young to have read it,
but they end up at home.
Yeah, that's lovely.
-There is no place like home. Thank you.
Come on, you.
Merry Christmas, Max.
Ooh. I need another hug.
I missed you so much.
Hey, I hope the house isn't a mess.
-She must be so happy to finally be home.
Because I guess home
is just another word for family, right?
So, does that mean we get to stay here?
- Yeah, sweetie. It does.
Mommy's ribs. Mommy's ribs are sore.
So glad they're not poor anymore.
-It made me so uncomfortable.
-It was so awkward.
Hey, what do you say
we open some presents?
- Can I open the big one?
- Oh, my gosh!
- I call opening first.
- Me first.
Okay, guys. One at a time.
- Thank you, Dad.
- Thank you.
I love it.
You wouldn't believe
how much I missed you.
It's just gonna be
two of us for Christmas, hey?
-That'll be nice, won't it?
Oh, dear. What a day.
Home sweet home.
There's a very reasonable explanation.
I think he looks
like a little politician.
- Mum, please.
- He looks like a politician.
Part of it's the sweater vest.
He does look like a politician.
-I like it. I actually like it.
-I don't even know anything about…
-Okay, everybody, time to eat.
Oh, this looks incredible.
Thank you so much,
and the house looks so beautiful.
Oh, don't thank me.
Thank that creepy doll.
Selling that paid for everything.
Our mortgage, our trip to Europe…
And your new chandelier.
- Thank you.
- And don't forget the drywall.
Oh, yeah. Well--
I always thought the house could've done
with a little remodeling anyway. So…
Keep it on those settings, Terry.
All right. Take it easy. All right. Sorry.
Sorry, everybody. That was work.
On Christmas Day?
Jeff has been promoted
to District Manager.
There's no Christmas for the cloud, Mike.
The cloud never sleeps.
And I provide 24-7 cloud
management services. And that includes--
Let's make a toast.
-Oh, um, can I get one of those?
You know, they're quite sugary.
I think we should let him have the soda.
Remember what happened last time?
-There you go, buddy.
To new friends.
And me having
no permanent neurological damage.
Yeah, that's good.
And here's to Max
for bringing us all together.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
- Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas, darling.
Merry Christmas. Cheers, darling.
Merry Christmas, everyone!