Home Alone 3 (1997) - full transcript

Ten million dollars
for the missile chip.

Not a plan...

...but the chip itself.

Why the big price?

My clients have requested it.

I honour my clients' requests.

Sounds like your clients...

...want to build a missile
that can't be detected by radar.

I don't ask questions, Mr. Beaupre.

But whoever possesses this chip
could dominate the entire region.

- Good night, George.
- Good night, Mr. Cooper.



TECHIE:
Jesus.

(METAL DETECTOR)

- He's clean.
TECHIE: Here.

That's what you asked for.

Air Force NSB-100, C series.

If that goes in a missile,
air defences can't stop it.

Look, I got a plane to catch.

Where's my money?

BEAUPRE:
Here.

Hide it in the toy car.

We'll slip it right past
airport security.

Let's go.

INTERCOM: Welcome to San Francisco
International Airport.

Do not leave your bags unattended.



(METAL DETECTOR GOES OFF)

Please remove your jewellery.

LADY: Here?
- Yes, ma'am.

(METAL DETECTOR GOES OFF)

Let's go.

Ma'am, you have to wait.

- Thank you.
GIRL: Thank you.

Next, please.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Move. Move!

Young man!

The Dallas, Miami, New York
and Denver lounges. Nothing.

Bars, restaurants, club lounge, clean.

When I was in the john,
I didn't see anything in there.

It has to be on a plane.

We are going to Chicago.

In the winter?

I packed tropical.

PILOT: Welcome to Chicago,
where it's 29 degrees outside.

STEWARDESS:
Welcome to Chicago.

PASSENGER:
Bye-bye.

STEWARDESS:
Here you go, sir.

Mr. Beaupre!

Mr. Unger, Mr. Jernigan.

ALICE:
Excuse me.

BEAUPRE: Out of my way.
ALICE: Move.

- Did you check any bags, ma'am?
- No. Floor it!

She's leaving.

Hey!

(DIGITAL CAMERA CLICKS)

(DIGITAL BEEP)

That's him.

Excuse me, pop.
Can I ask you something?

What?

You had a fare from the airport
around 1620 hours, January 8.

Senior citizen, female, Caucasian.

- What?
- About 4:30 today. Old broad.

- Oh, yeah.
- You got an address on that?

North Devon Park, Washington Street.

Describe the house, please.

Big, old...

... Tudor-like place.

- Details.
- Christmas lights, wreath on the door.

Christmas tree by the driveway,
and the driveway...

...was the only one
on the block not shovelled.

(GRUNTS)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I'm done, Mrs. Hess.
I'm exhausted and sweaty...

...but you can't see
because I'm covered up.

You were to deal
with the snow promptly.

- Yes, but...
- "Buts" are for ashtrays.

I don't care for excuses. We had
an understanding and you broke it.

- Your word is worthless.
- Sorry. That'll be no charge.

So you can tell the neighbours
I stiffed you on a job?

Mm-mm.

Is this a loaf of the famous
San Francisco sourdough bread?

This won't make
a very tasty sandwich, will it?

Because of some silly,
inconsiderate boob who took my bag...

...I left my bread in San Francisco!

Pardon me, Mrs. Hess,
but I think I'm almost, maybe...

...possibly, probably
going to be late for my dinner.

Consider this your payment.
I have no use for it.

Thank you.

And have your mother teach you...

...that it is rude to scratch
yourself in front of a lady.

(INHALES)

Good night, Alex.

Jeez.

What a grouch.

They're all old...

...most of them are Tudor...

...all have wreaths
and Christmas trees...

...and the snow's all shovelled.

There are 14 houses.

The toy car must be in one of them.

We'll have to search them all.

- We'll come back when it's light.
- We're going to work in daylight?

It's the suburbs, Mr. Unger.

Nobody's home during the day.

There you go, Speedy.

(INHALES)

(GRUNTS)

Charlie, I told you last year,
and I'm telling you now...

...I can't work weekends.

- Why not?
- I've got three kids and a husband.

That's Mary Lou. She has no life.

It means nothing to her
to work weekends, but I can't.

My house is half-renovated.
My kids have activities.

They need to see us doing more
than running to the car.

I can't explain over the phone why
we're so excited about this product.

I'll be in Cleveland on Wednesday.

Yeah, Wednesday. We'll talk
about it then. Face to face.

Yeah, man to man.

(PARROT SQUAWKS)

Your brother's bug!

Careful! Careful!

Bull's-eye!

Three from downtown.

And the crowd goes wild.

Oh, man.

I hope they're not...

(SCREAMS)

Alex slammed the seat
down on his thing again!

Bull's-eye.

Alex, what happened?

I had nothing to do with it.
I'm innocent!

I got to go. My kid slammed
the seat on his thing again.

I'll call you back.

Alex?

KAREN: Keep that in your mouth.
- Mm.

- Chickenpox.
STAN: Mom...

...with all due respect...

...this is to get out of his science
project because his bug died.

What?

- His face doesn't look that bad.
- His body's covered.

- Would that include his buttocks?
- Shut up!

This is great. If he scratches
his spots, we can call him scar-butt.

KAREN: Leave.
JACK: Goodbye.

- I'll make you some soup.
- I'll bring the TV up.

I'm so sorry.

Hey. Don't scratch.

Keep that under your tongue.
I'll be back.

Nice family. Huh, Doris?

(SQUEAKS)

- You guys should get going.
STAN: See you later, Dad.

(RINGS)

Greenfield's 401 k is in the Effa fund.

You have it in the Midcap fund.
That's where your 3000 shortfall is.

(BELL RINGS)

I have to put you on hold one sec.

Alex, I'm on with the office!

So I think that what we...

I'm sorry.
Can I call you back in a minute?

Gotcha.

You rang?

Thirsty?

Thanks, Mom.

AGENT: Here we are.
ALICE: I wish my husband could be here.

AGENT:
It's a cozy little place.

ALICE:
Isn't this charming!

AGENT:
And it's available immediately.

My boys are just going to love it here.

Yes, they will.

TV: Plus, special care and feeding
tips, next on Pets on Parade.

Look, Doris.

(SQUEAKS IN FEAR)

If you think that was amusing,
wait till you see what I do next.

Oh, yeah.

(SEX Y MUSIC PLAYS)

Hm?

(DIGITAL CAMERA CLICKS)

(GROWLS MENACINGLY)

- Sit!
- I can't wait for next week.

I hate dogs.

Charlie, you know I can't come in.
Alex is sick.

Melling's reviewing the proposal.

- You're kidding.
- No.

- How long's he in town?
- He's leaving Friday.

- We can 't cancel.
- It's okay.

- Mary Lou can handle it.
- She's not who he expects to see.

You're the point person.
You told me you'd handle it.

I did, but my child wasn't sick
when I promised you...

Not my fault you can 't find a sitter.

Okay, I can come in for one hour.
That is it.

If Alex beeps me, I'm gone
and you can fire me.

Karen...

Charlie, you're making me choose
between making a house payment...

...and taking care of my sick child
and I don't appreciate it.

Jerk.

Shoot.

You tell Charlie I'm desperately ill?

Thank you, Alex.

Yes, he knows you're sick.

What about the Family Leave Act?

I just have to go in...

...sign some papers and show my face.

I'll be gone an hour at the very most.

I called Mrs. Hess and...

You called Mrs. Hess?
She knows I'll be alone?

She said if anything comes up,
she'll be right over.

- She wasn't happy about it...
- She'll come over and make me smoke.

- Don't be ridiculous.
- What if there's a tornado?

Not in winter.

- Social unrest?
- I don't think so.

Boredom? It's deadly in old folks.

Goodbye, sweetie.

What about crooks?

That's not a problem during the day.

Why not?
No one's home during the day.

I'm 8 and I figured that out.

Couldn't a grown-up crook
figure it out too?

This is a very safe neighbourhood.
There's only one road in and out.

The doors'll be locked,
you have my numbers.

- I'll be home soon.
- But, Mom!

What about dragons, giant spiders,
mummies, the living dead...

...and other figments
of my imagination?

Alex, I can't help you there.

Only you can control your imagination.

That's a scary thought.

(DECODER BEEPS)

(ALARM S YSTEM DEACTIVATED)

(BARKS)

Hm.

That's weird.

Oh, my God.

(INHALES)

20 seconds out.

Clear.

911 Emergency.

- I saw a burglar!
- Are you by yourself?

My mom had to leave.
I have the chickenpox.

Can I have your address?

He's not at my house!
He's at the Stephans'!

Their address is
3015 Washington Street!

(BEEPING)

(SIRENS WAIL)

Nothing.

Burglar at the Stephans'!
I saw him with my telescope!

There's a woman with a dog
and a gray van!

I didn't recognize anyone, but
the dog looked like Johnny Allen's...

...so I called the police.

You called the police?

Freeze!

(PUZZLED GROWL)

(PUZZLED WHINE)

The burglar alarm was on and working.

There was no one in the house.

Doesn't appear that
anything's been taken.

I don't know what he saw
but it wasn't a person.

I'm sorry about this.

My son's been home with chickenpox
and I had to run to work.

I'm strapped.
I don't normally do this.

Son, false alarms are
no joking matter.

It wasn't!

The guy in the house had two lookouts
and a driver in a gray van.

He's been running a fever.

Ours is a serious business.

Oh, he knows. We gave him
a police set for Christmas...

Not this one, but last. You know,
one with a badge, a hat and a whistle.

He took it very seriously. He
arrested relatives for various crimes.

Not real crimes, but for leaving
the toilet seat up and snoring and...

Absolutely.

I will, yes. Thank you.

KAREN:
Thank you.

You get in that bed.

Excuse me, I saw a man
in Karen Stephans' bedroom.

A white male a little older than Dad,
wearing butt inspection gloves.

I warned you about that telescope.

Look long enough and you'll see
things, whether or not they're there.

I guess you have to be 35
before anyone listens to you.

Don't get smart with me.
Sick or not, I'm very angry with you.

You caused a lot of trouble today.

We have to replace a door.
You think we're happy about it?

I saw what I saw.

(SIGHS)

Peter Beaupre...

...Earl Unger...

...Burton Jernigan...

...and Alice Rivens.

They were ticketed under aliases
but didn't board the Hong Kong flight.

I believe they're still in the U.S.,
but beyond that, I don't know.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...we've got to find that chip.

ALICE: What went wrong
with the burglar alarm?

- Nothing. It wasn't the alarm.
- Then who called the police?

Mr. Jernigan, care to speculate?

ALICE: Cars came and went.
The mailman came by.

We could have a watcher on any house.
It could be anybody.

I don't think it's just anybody.
I think it's someone on our street.

Someone we are not tracking.

Someone we've missed.

(HORN HONKS)

Dad, cab's here.

Oh, shoot.

Mom's not back yet.

Well, all right.

Mom took some documents to the bank.

She can't be gone
more than a few minutes.

Mrs. Hess is home. You'll be fine.

My beeper's on speed dial.

- Second button. Mom's is the first.
- Right.

- So, you're okay?
- Positively.

Give me a kiss.

All right.

Dad.

This is a safe neighbourhood.

We have great police,
as you learned yesterday.

Nothing bad will happen to you.

- Dad?
- Yeah?

- Got your tickets?
- Yep.

- Got your wallet?
- It's in my pocket.

Where's your pocket?

Yeah.

- Thank you.
- Bye, Dad.

She's leaving.

3025 is all clear.

Red sedan heading south.

Turning right. Hold.

(BEEPER BEEPS)

Oh!

- You are just in time, Mr. Pruitt.
- Wait, wait.

(BEEPER BEEPS)

Oh, no.

(SIRENS WAIL)

Yes.

Abort. Abort.

Evacuate the area.

Let's go!

Move! Move!

Cool!

Check the back.

Nothing.

Let's check upstairs.

Where's the burglar?

There is no burglar.

Just a kid home sick from school,
making false alarms.

How embarrassing.

Mm-hm.

This is the second time in two days
that you've called the police.

It's a very serious matter
when a person calls the police.

I saw a burglar yesterday,
and I saw one today.

Alex, listen to the chief.

- There was no one in that house.
- What about Johnny Allen's dog?

I talked to Johnny last night.
His dog was kidnapped Monday morning.

Did he see it happen?

Alex, apologize to the chief
and go up to your room.

Excuse me for being a good citizen.

Alex! I'm very sorry.

This will not happen again.

Will it, honey?
Really, I promise you.

We wouldn't want to discourage him
from calling us...

...in the event that
something real ever does happen.

(PARROT SQUAWKS)

Loser.

- Shut up.
- Make me.

You pranked them twice.
It's on your permanent record.

For your whole life,
if you call for help, it won't come.

- Dad missed his plane.
- He was late to meet his boss.

We have to give family cash
to the Stephans...

...and to an evil octogenarian
to repair their doors.

And even worse...

The world laughs.

You've stained the family name.

(PARROT LAUGHS)

First the Stephans.

Then Mrs. Hess.

I agree, Doris.
The next stop is the Alcotts' house.

What burglar goes into a house
and doesn't take anything?

You know what I think?
They're looking for something special.

And they're looking in every house
because they don't know who has it.

The question is...

...what is it?

If nobody's going to
do anything about this...

...I'll just have to do it myself.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

I am so sorry.
I'm clearly not awake.

It's all right.

Have a nice day.

I'll try.

(DOG WHINES)

(TV PLAYS)

Watch this.

Hm?

Hmm.

(MEOWS)

Look, Doris.

(SQUEAKS)

Boo!

(SCREECHES)

(SQUEAKS)

I forgot about the stairs.

Hmm.

Got him, Doris. Got him.

Yes, yes, yes!

You are so busted.

(SCREAMS)

(SQUEAKS)

I have it.

The toy car. It's videotaping me.

Huh?

What?

Come back on that.

(YELLS)

(CRIES OUT IN PAIN)

Come on! Go! Go! Go!

Don't spin!

(GASPS)

You there!

You was friendly.
I don 't have to kill you.

You got money that
doesn?t 't belong to you.

(PHONE RINGS)

(PARROT SNORES)

Bring! Bring!

Hello, this is Karen.
Hi, how's it going?

I'm running late
for the office again.

I think blue chips
are overvalued.

Technology stocks are good.

I'm in the shower.
Can I call you back?

Bad, bad Leroy Brown

Baddest cat in the whole damn town

Badder than old King Kong

Meaner than a junkyard dog

Come on, come on.

See you!

The car's outside.
I got the woman here. Get over here!

Come on, get up!

Oh! Oh! Whoa!

Ow! Ooh!

(GASPS)

Everybody's in a hurry.

It's a camera.
Someone's onto us.

Think it matters? Chip's in the car.
We're at the airport in 45 minutes.

Where is Alice?

(TOOLS CRASH)

What happened?

There is a woman in the house.
I'll deal with her.

Get the chip.

Yes!

I got it.

Ma'am?

May I have a word with you?

Don't come in. I'm naked.

What's on your mind, monkey butt?

Come on.

What's that funky smell?

I lost it.

What?!

Come on, go, go, go!

It's out of range!

I got it.

I see it.

Look out.

(SCREAMS)

Jernigan, which direction?

It got past me.
It's heading south on Adams.

I'm right behind the little...

(CARS SCREECH)

It's off the street,
going through back yards...

...heading west.

Alice, what's your position?

(GRUNTING)

Fourth house. Moving to the alley.

It's going through the hedge.

Jernigan, position.

You're there.

- I got it!
- I got it!

(BOTH YELL)

(HEADS HITTING)

Unger. What's your position?

Heading down Washington Street.

I didn't copy. Where?

I said, I'm heading to Wa...

Stop, you nitwit!

I don't see anything.

I'll look around.

I don't have it yet.

(WHEEL SQUEAKS)

We're out of time. Give it up.

They got the tape.
Why'd they still chase the toy car?

It's not that expensive.

I'm sure they don't have
enough time to play with it.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Look, Doris.

Computer chip, huh?
Where'd you find it?

In a remote-control car I got
for shovelling snow for Mrs. Hess.

She lives across the street.

It says U.S. Air Force...

...but you have to look
under a magnifying glass to see.

Kid, a lot of toys have
"Air Force" written on it.

This is a recruiting office.
We don't handle this.

Can I give you the chip number
to give to the right guys?

You think we should tell Mom
about the chip?

I guess you're right.
The less they know, the better.

Those guys are bad news.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate
you hitting me with the van.

Never let emotions
get the best of you.

You should have been more vigilant.

You should have taken driver's ed.

It's a kid. It has to be a kid.

I'm going to have bad knees when I'm old.
I'll have Jernigan to thank.

The cops come,
they don't believe him...

...he takes matters
into his own hands.

It can't be anything else.

If that's the case,
I say take no chances.

Tomorrow, whack every kid
in the neighbourhood. Burn them.

Then look for that stupid car.

My thoughts keep turning
to number 3026.

It's within the operating radius
of the toy car.

It's in sight of all the houses.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

- Hello?
- Do you have the missile chip?

We are close.

If I don't have the chip
in 24 hours, Mr. Beaupre...

...I will have
to terminate the mission...

...and nullify all the participants.

You understand, don't you?

Dad's home tomorrow.

I have my meeting from 12 till 5,
so I need you and Molly...

...to come straight home
to stay with Alex.

I can't. Impossible.
I have gymnastics.

- I have hockey.
- Do I need to repeat myself?

I thought you were getting Mrs. Hess.

She's a lot more responsible
than me and Stan.

Mrs. Hess is a backup.

Unless it's an emergency,
I don't want to call her.

I'll be fine alone.

There you have it. Settled.

Could you pass me the false alarms?

Sorry, I meant the peas.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

Oh, hi. Uh-huh.

He's been home with the chickenpox.

Oh.

Alex, do you know a Bradley Clovis?

Yeah.

It's his mom.
Did you take a toy car from him?

He has one of those cars,
but he got it from a neighbour.

We have it.

What is the matter?
You don't disconnect my calls.

Don't talk to her.

- Why not?
- She's dangerous.

- What are you talking about?
- Lies.

They're all lies. It wasn't her.

What do you mean, it wasn't her?

Call her, you'll be surprised.

Outgoing call.

Rerouted.

Hello, Clovis'.

- I beg your pardon. We just...
- I'm sorry.

Did I disconnect you, Karen?

No, it was me. We're renovating,
the phone lines are a mess.

They intercepted the phone call.

Listen, I didn't mean
to accuse your son.

I'm certain Bradley
just misplaced his toy car.

Kids. They lose something
and assume it's been stolen.

Little boys do have
wild imaginations, don't they?

Yes, they do.

They're going to come after me tomorrow,
Doris. Nobody will listen.

Not my parents or Molly or Stan...

...or the police
or the Air Force. Nobody.

So, what do I do?

(SQUEAKS)

If that means hide, you're wrong.

(SQUEAKS)

If that means fight, you're right.

(SIGHS)

They'll understand when I'm done,
and know I was telling the truth.

I'm not going to feel sad or scared.

They're grown-up criminals...

...but this is my neighbourhood
and this is my house.

No matter how old they are,
no matter how big they are...

...they can't beat me here.
They can't beat me at home.

Want to buy a little silence?
Double or nothing.

(STAN SNORES)

We're watching a major storm
bearing down on Chicago.

On the radar, you can see
the snow is increasing in intensity.

Heavy snow is forecasted.

Residents are urged
to stay indoors if possible.

(PANTS)

Approaching target.

All clear.

Here we go, Doris.

(BARKS)

(BARKS)

First, we free the hostages.

Switching on the fiber optics.

Alex, can you get the door?

No answer.

(WHINES)

Are we certain target has not left?

We would've seen.

I repeat, there is no movement inside.

Permission to enter.

(BARKS)

(YELLS)

(BARKS)

Alice?

Hey. Go home. Go home.

I need assistance. I'm exposed.

Maintain your position.

Do not, I repeat, do not
draw attention to yourself.

Pick her up.

We'll move in after the storm hits,
let Mother Nature cover our tracks.

This just came in from the Air Force.

Some kid named Pruitt called
the recruiting office in Chicago.

Said he found a computer chip
in a toy car.

We're going to Chicago.

Did you watch the weather?

- No problems. Your coat's there.
- I want to wear my brown one.

Wait!

Go fill your commuter cup with coffee
and I'll get your coat for you.

Thanks, hon.

I'll make you a sandwich.

- Here's your coat.
- Thanks.

Sweetheart, I'm sorry about this week.

It breaks my heart to have to come
and go. It shouldn't be this way.

It's okay. It's not you.
It's the times.

Thanks, hon.

- You have your beeper?
- Yeah.

Great. I'll call every half-hour.

I'll go online and keep
the connection open all day.

I'll have my laptop
in all my meetings.

We'll be in contact at all times.

I have my cellular.
You've got my fax number.

We're wired.

Oh, my gosh. Did Mrs. Clovis call?

She was going to stop by to confirm
that Bradley's name wasn't on the car.

She did when you were in the shower.

- You let her have it?
- Big time.

- I hope she felt foolish.
- It was painful.

Okay. Be good.

Be safe.
Keep an eye on the old place.

I got it all covered.

Here we go.

It's just you and me.

You mean there's someone else?

Get ready to rumble!
Play ball!

The old switcheroo.

- Come on.
- It's ShowTime!

PARROT:
If those are real, I'm an eagle.

Block the street.

(PHONE RINGS)

- Hello.
- Hi, it's Karen Pruitt.

Could you check on Alex?

I'm just going out.

I'm at work and in a bind.

Well, how long?

It wouldn?t 't be for more than an hour.

All right. No cooking.

"Call Mrs. Hess.

She's retired, what else
could she possibly be doing?"

Would they invite me to their house
for holiday eggnog? Of course not!

Look who woke up from her nap.

Crooks at 30 yards and closing.

Let the party begin.

Good afternoon.
We just moved into your neighbourhood.

What do you want, a button?

A package was to be delivered to us,
but perhaps they brought it here.

Nope, not here.

They said no one answered the door
and the driver left it in the garage.

Sometimes they leave stuff
at the back door.

Why are you closing the door?

I left my heart in San Francisco.

It looks like he has the place
locked up pretty tight.

(CHUCKLES)

Jernigan, I think
I'm going to enjoy this.

It's been a long time
since I was a kid.

You forget how
incredibly stupid they are.

You be careful.

When kids get scared,
they wet their pants.

(YELLS)

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

(BULLETS EXPLODE)

Yeow!

(SCREAMS)

(PANTS)

Mr. Unger?

(GROANS)

I'm all right.

Oh!

(GROANS)

Mr. Unger, what are you doing?

Don't touch the yarn. It's wired.

Kid's got the place booby-trapped.

Make no assumptions.

Watch the mat.

This boy is clever.
Have you tried the door?

Not yet.

Let me point something out to you.

Missed that.

Stand clear.

Maybe he's not so clever.

I think we're just having an off day.

(GASP)

(SCREAM)

(GROAN)

A thought for you to consider:

At airport security...

...make sure you have
the right package.

I certainly hope that you're not...

...fond of that little boy
across the street.

(GASPS)

(GRUNTS)

I'll leave this open.

Wait!

Fresh air will be good for you.

(GROANS)

Think you're smart?
You little brat!

Unger, what's your status?

(GASPS)

(GASPS)

Heads up.

- How'd that happen?
- I don't know.

(BARBELL CLANKS)

Ouch.

(MOAN)

You got hit with a book?

Books. Plural.

A trunk full of books...

...then a set of weights.
I got hit twice, you dumb broad.

Excuse me, Mr. Unger.
I didn't get taken down by an infant.

BEAUPRE:
We didn't anticipate the defence.

I'll go in the front.

Mr. Unger, you take the north side.

Alice, you take the south side.

Where is Mr. Jernigan?

(GASPING)

INTERCOM:
Attention, travellers.

All flights to Chicago continue
to be delayed due to severe weather.

Please stand by for further details.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

(GRUNTS)

Hi.

(YELLS AND MOANS)

You can run
but you can't hide, junior.

Surprise.

Oh!

Oh!

What a loser.

(GRUNTS)

Ah.

(GROANS)

(COUGHS)

(GRUNTS)

I got him!

(GROWLS)

(SCREAMS)

(SHREDDING)

(GRUNTS)

(GASPS)

(YELPS)

(FLOWER POT BREAKS)

(WAILS)

Oh!

(ELECTRICAL SAW BUZZES)

(DOLL CRIES)

(GUN COCKS)

You are dead, kid.

(MOANS)

(MOANS)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUMBLING)

(GASPS)

Now things are looking up.

(GASPS)

Gotcha!

See you.

(SCREAMS)

(COUGHS)

Ew, yuck!

(YELPING)

Well, well, well.

(GRUNTS)

Nice try, kid.

(YELLS)

(MOANS)

(RADIO SQUEALS)

(FARTING)

(SQUEAKS)

(BACK CRACKS)

(ATHLETIC YELPS)

Hmm.

(SCREAMS)

(WAILS)

(CRASHING)

Alice?

(SCREAMING)

(YELPING)

I'm coming down.

(YELLS)

(SCREAMS)

Mr. Jernigan! Mr. Unger!

Welcome.

You got a haircut?

Are you almost done in there?

Don't start with me.

I'll wait.

(DIALING)

(RINGING)

(PHONE RINGS)

(GASPS)

JERNIGAN:
Let's move.

ALICE: What stinks?
UNGER: Shut up.

Hello?

You're out of breath.
Something wrong?

No, everything's fine.

I'm so worried.
The weather is terrible.

I'm coming home now.

No, no, take your time, really.
Don't come home, Mom.

Pick up Stan and Molly from school.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm playing Chinese checkers
with Mrs. Hess.

You're not smoking?

No. I got to go. Mrs. Hess gets
nutty when you make her wait.

Okay, play fair.

Always.

What a brave little fellow.

Mr. Jernigan.

- Living room clear.
- Good.

Nothing in the kitchen.

(BURGLARS MUMBLING)

ALICE:
Mr. Jernigan, follow me. Slowly.

Go, Doris.

Ah!

ALICE:
Mr. Unger, go ahead.

Cover him, I'll cover the stairs.

(GASPS)

I'm coming for you, Shorty,
to pay you back...

...for all the misery you caused me.

What are you doing?

Kid's in the closet.

Scaring him a little,
just before I grab him.

And behind door number one!

Towels.

Hm.

I saw this door close.

Idiot!

Would I make it up?

Why? What's the point?
We working on commission here?

Whew!

(SNEEZES)

(SIRENS WAIL)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

What's going on?

- Mrs. Pruitt from Washington Street?
- Yes?

Agent Stuckey, FBI.

I came to talk to your son.

You called about a computer chip
in a remote-control car?

No.

Oh, God. It's Alex.
It's my other son. What's happened?

He may be in danger.

He's not here. He's at home.

Let's move.

Why is he in danger?

She asked you a question, sir.

I'm not at liberty to discuss it.

The "it" you're referring to
is my little brother.

He intercepted
a top-secret electronic device...

...stolen from
a Defence Dept. Contractor...

...by criminals working for
a North Korean terrorist organization.

Mr. Jernigan, come here.

(SHOWER RUNNING)

PARROT:
Green-eyed lady, ocean lady

Moving every breaking wave that comes

Go, Doris, go!

Green-eyed lady, ocean lady

Moving every breaking wave that comes

Green-eyed lady, lovely lady

Strolling slowly towards the sun

Sorry, Charlie.

This just isn?t your day.

(INFLATES)

(TO Y MONKEY SQUEAKS)

Shut up.

(SCREAMS)

- What?
- Don't move.

Alice?

Don't...

...move.
- Alice?

What?

- Alice?
- Shh.

Alice?

(HIGH PITCH SCREAM)

Excellent.

PARROT:
Run, Shorty, run!

Come on, Doris.

The kid!

Doris, come on!

You little brat!

I got him!

(GROAN)

Whoa!

Oh!

(GRUNTS)

You smacked my winkie.

If you changed your shorts, maybe
you wouldn't have rats in your pants!

Scraggy little rug rat!

ALICE:
Where is he?

Stay here, Doris.

(SQUEAKS)

Yikes.

(TO Y ROBOT SOUNDS)

He's been watching us the whole time.
He had a camera on us.

You won't find me up there, you
big, dumb, law-breaking knuckleheads!

GROUP:
He's outside.

Recognize this?

How'd he get outside?

ALICE:
The same way you will.

- How?
- Jump! Go!

Don't push.

ALICE:
You're jumping onto a trampoline.

UNGER:
I presume you won't be joining us?

- No, I'll be covering you. Go!
UNGER: How comforting.

JERNIGAN:
He's getting away!

UNGER:
This is a snap.

This is a snap.

Go!

(SCREAM)

Huh?

(SCREAM)

JERNIGAN AND UNGER:
Cold. Very cold.

(YELL AND COUGH)

(YELP AND SHIVER)

Of course.

Here I come, you little brat.

(SCREAMS)

Ouch.

Mrs. Hess!

Mrs. Hess.

Mrs. Hess?

You're okay. I'm here now.

(CURTAIN ROD CLINKS)

Well...

...it's Alex, isn't it?

Today you learn something.

There is a price to be paid
for being a good citizen.

In your zeal to aid your neighbour,
you stepped into one of my traps.

(SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Can Mrs. Hess go inside?
She's very old and very cold.

Please?

Give me the chip.

It doesn't belong to you.
It's not yours.

The chip, son.
Give me the chip.

- That doesn't belong to you either.
- What?

That's not your gun.

This is your gun.

- Ha!
- Huh!

Gotcha!

- Here, sit down, Mrs. Hess.
- Thank you, Alex.

These are times that call for soup.
Any favourites?

Thank you. I'm fine.

You know, Mrs. Hess...

...it's really cold outside.
You're a pretty tough old bird.

And you're a very sweet young man.

I just never took the time to notice.

You're not alone in that.

(POLICE SIRENS WAIL)

Wow!

Johnson, Williams. Go around back.

Freeze!

You got to be kidding.

Alex.

Mom!

You're kissing me
in front of the cops.

Oh, Alex, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry
I didn't listen to you.

This is very cool.

Bud, you're a hero.

- Are you Alex?
- Yeah.

Agent Stuckey, FBI.

Here's the chip.

There's a senior citizen
across the street...

...who needs some soup
and a doctor to look at her feet.

There's two in our pool
and one in our basement.

The other one's gone.

Is this him?

Yep.

Seven years, I've been after this guy.

He always manages to slip away.

Thanks.

- It's just the three.
- Where's your boss?

- Get them out of here!
- Yes, sir. Let's go, popsicle.

Come on.

(PARROT SQUAWKS)

Lucy, I'm home!

What's on your mind, monkey butt?

Bad, bad, Leroy Brown

Houston, we have a problem.

Counting down in...

...five, four, three, two...

Take it.

Double or nothing.

I only have one.

We have ignition.

It's ShowTime!

(FIRECRACKERS EXPLODING)

I'll be there in just a minute.
Okay, bye.

It's the Tudor with the Christmas
lights in the driveway...

...that hasn't been shovelled.

That one, right there.

Oh.

Oh.

(HAMMERING)

Have you ever had the chickenpox?

I had the chickenpox when
Herbert Hoover was in the White House.

Hello.

GROUP:
Hello.

Dad!

Hey, come here.

Let's see. You don't look
any worse for the wear.

They couldn't touch me.

The computer company with the boosted
chip is giving Alex a reward.

It's a six-figure sum,
which is extremely cool.

So did you bring me anything?

As a matter of fact, I did.

Come here.

Think you can drive that?

I think we can handle it.

Gentlemen, start your engines.

360! 360!

Rat overboard!

Say cheese.