Home Alone (1990) - full transcript
It is Christmas time and the McCallister family is preparing for a vacation in Paris, France. But the youngest in the family named Kevin got into a scuffle with his older brother Buzz and was sent to his room which is on the third floor of his house. Then, the next morning, while the rest of the family was in a rush to make it to the airport on time, they completely forgot about Kevin who now has the house all to himself. Being home alone was fun for Kevin, having a pizza all to himself, jumping on his parents' bed, and making a mess. Then, Kevin discovers about two burglars, Harry and Marv, about to rob his house on Christmas Eve. Kevin acts quickly by wiring his own house with makeshift booby traps to stop the burglars and to bring them to justice.
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
Somebody answer the phone.
Where's my suitcase?
I'm going downstairs.
Who stole my hair dryer?
Miss. Young lady.
Excuse me. Girls.
Hey, hey, little fella.
Excuse me, girls. Girls.
Take the witches!
Hey. Hey, big fella.
Excuse me.
Excuse me! Come help me make
up these beds in the living room!
Come on down here.
Ma'am!
Hi. Hey, son! Son!
Big fella! Hey! Hey!
Little guy. Little guy!
Pete's brother and his family
are here. It's crazy.
Trish is going to Montreal.
Montreal?
That's right. Her
family's there.
And we're off.
When do you leave?
Tomorrow. You're
not ready, are you?
Mom! Uncle Frank won't let me
watch the movie, but the big kids can.
Why can't I?
Kevin, I'm on the phone.
When do you come back?
Not till then?
It's not even rated "R."
He's just being a jerk.
Kevin, if Uncle Frank says no,
then it must be really bad.
No, we're not bringing the dog.
We're putting him in a...
Hey, hey! Get off.
Kevin, out of the room.
Hang up the phone and make
me, why don't ya? This kid.
Kate, did you by any chance pick
up a voltage adapter thing?
No, I didn't have
time to do that.
How am I supposed
to shave in France?
Grow a goatee. Dad,
nobody'll let me do anything.
Good-bye. You wanna something to do?
I've got something for you to do.
Pick up those Micro Machines
that are all over in there.
Aunt Leslie stepped on one
and almost broke her neck.
He was in the garage again
playing with the glue gun.
Didn't we talk about that?
Did I burn down the joint?
I don't think so.
I was making ornaments
out of fishhooks.
My new fishhooks?
I can't make ornaments out of the old ones,
with dry worm guts stuck on 'em.
Peter. Come on,
Kevin. Out.
Peter, Kate, do you guys
have a voltage adapter?
Here! Here's a voltage adapter.
You're getting heavy.
Go pack your suitcase.
Pack my suitcase?
Do you know where the shampoo is,
Fuller? I don't live here.
I don't believe a house with this
many people, there's no shampoo.
Pardon me. Are your parents home?
Yeah, but they don't live here.
Tracy, did you order the pizza?
Buzz did.
Excuse me, miss. Are your parents here?
My parents live in Paris. Sorry.
Hi!
Hi!
Are your parents home?
Yeah.
Do they live here? No.
No. Why should they? All kids, no parents.
Probably a fancy orphanage.
I don't know how to pack a suitcase.
I've never done this once in my whole life.
Tough.
That's what Megan said.
What did I say?
You told Kevin, "tough."
The dope was whining about a suitcase.
What am I supposed to do?
Shake his hand and say,
"Congratulations, you're an idiot"?
I'm not an idiot!
Really? You're completely helpless!
Everyone has to do everything for you.
She's right, Kev.
Excuse me, puke-breath. I'm a lot smaller than
you. I don't know how to pack a suitcase.
I hope you didn't just pack crap, Jeff.
Shut up, Linnie.
Do you know what
I should pack?
Buzz told you, cheek-face.
Toilet paper and water.
Listen, Kev, what are
you so worried about?
You know mom's gonna
pack your stuff anyway.
You're what the French
call les incompetents.
What?
Bombs away!
[BANGING LOUDLY]
P.S. You have to sleep
on the hide-a-bed with Fuller.
If he has something to drink,
he's gonna wet the bed.
This house is so full of people,
it makes me sick!
When I grow up and get married,
I'm living alone!
Did you hear me?
I'm living alone!
I'm living alone!
Who's gonna feed your
spider while we're gone?
He just ate a whole load of mice guts.
He should be good for a couple weeks.
Is it true that French babes
don't shave their pits?
Some don't.
But they got nude beaches.
Not in the winter.
♪♪ [TAPE PLAYING, REWINDING]
Buzz? Don't you know how
to knock, phlegmwad?
Can I sleep in your room? I don't want
to sleep in a hide the bed with Fuller.
If he has something to drink,
he'll wet the bed.
I wouldn't let you sleep in my room
if you were growing on my ass.
[OBJECT CLATTERING]
Check it out.
Old man Marley.
Who is he?
You ever heard of the South
Bend Shovel Slayer!?
No.
That's him.
Back in '58, he murdered his whole family
and half the people on his block
with a snow shovel.
Been hiding out in this
neighborhood ever since.
Well, if he's the Shovel Slayer,
how come the cops don't arrest him?
Not enough evidence to convict.
They never found the bodies.
But everyone around
here knows he did it.
Now it'll just be a matter of
time before he does it again.
What's he doing now?
He walks up and down
the streets every night,
salting the sidewalks.
Maybe he's just trying
to be nice.
No way.
See that garbage
can full of salt?
That's where he
keeps his victims.
The salt turns the bodies
into mummies.
Wow.
Mummies.
Look out!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[GRUNTING]
How you kids doing?
Good?
Lot of action around here today?
Going on vacation?
Where you going?
Do you hear me or what?
Going on a trip?
Where you going, kid?
[KNOCKING]
Okay, that's 122.50.
Not for me, kid.
I don't live here.
You just around for the holidays?
I guess you could say that.
Hey, pizza's here!
Here you go. That's 122.50.
It's my brother's house.
He'll take care of it.
Hey kids, come on...
Hey, listen...
Hi. Hi.
Are you Mr. McCallister?
Yeah. The Mr. McCallister
who lives here?
Yes. Oh, good, 'cause
somebody owes me 122.50.
I'd like a word with you, sir.
Am I under arrest or something?
No, no. It's Christmastime. There's always
a lot of burglaries around the holidays. So
we're checking the neighborhood to see if
everyone's taking the proper precautions. That's all.
Yeah. Well, we have automatic timers
for our lights, locks for our doors.
That's about as well as anybody
can do these days. Right!
Do you get some eggnog or something
like that? Come on, Dad.
Let's eat.
Eggnog? Listen, are
you gonna be leaving...
Pizza! Pizza.
Pizza!
Grab yourself a napkin. You're gonna
have to pour your own drinks.
Mom, does Santa Claus have
to go through customs?
What time do we have
to go to bed? Early.
We're leaving the house
at 8:00 a.m. on the button.
I hope you're all drinking milk. I want
to get rid of it. Hey! Don't you dare.
Honey, the pizza boy needs
$122.50 plus a tip.
For pizza?
10 pizzas times 12 bucks.
Frank, you got the money, don't you?
Come on. Traveler's checks.
Forget it, Frank.
We have cash.
You probably got the kind of traveler's
checks that don't work in France.
Did anyone order me
a plain cheese?
Yeah, we did.
But if you want any,
somebody's gonna have to
barf it all up, 'cause it's gone.
Fuller! Go easy
on the Pepsi.
Kev! Kevin, get a plate.
[IMITATES RETCHING]
[SCREAMING]
Wow!
The passports! Watch it!
Help me out here!
No, let's get these passports
out of here.
Kevin, get off of him!
You moron!
Are you okay, honey?
Come here. Are you all right?
What is the matter with you?
He started it!
He ate my pizza on purpose.
He knows I hate sausage
and olives and...
Look what you did,
you little jerk!
Kevin, get upstairs right now.
Why?
Kevin, you're such a disease.
Shut up.
Kevin, upstairs!
Say good night, Kevin.
Good night, Kevin.
Now what's for dinner?
Why do I always get
treated like scum?
I'm sorry.
This house is just crazy.
We've got all these
extra kids running around.
My brother-in-law drove in
from Ohio today. It's just nuts.
How come you didn't
bring more cheese pizzas?
Nice tip. Thanks a lot.
Thanks. Having a reunion
or something?
No. My husband's brother transferred
to Paris last summer,
and all of his kids are still going to school here,
and I guess he missed the whole family.
He's giving us all this trip to Paris for
holidays, so we can be together.
You're taking a trip to Paris? Yes,
we hope to leave tomorrow morning.
Excellent. Excellent.
If you'll excuse me, this one's
out of sorts. I'll be right back.
Don't worry about me.
I spoke to your husband already.
And don't worry
about your home.
It's in good hands.
There are 15 people in this house. You're
the only one who has to make trouble.
I'm the only one getting dumped on.
You're the only one acting up.
Now get upstairs.
I am upstairs, dummy.
The third floor?
Go.
It's scary up there. Don't be silly.
Fuller will be up in a little while.
I don't want to sleep with Fuller.
You know about him. He wets the bed.
He'll pee all over me.
I know it.
Fine. We'll put him
somewhere else.
I'm sorry.
It's too late.
Get upstairs.
Everyone in this family hates me.
Then maybe you should ask
Santa for a new family.
I don't want a new family!
I don't want any family! Families suck!
Stay up there. I don't want to see
you again for the rest of the night.
I don't want to see you
again for the rest of my life.
And I don't want to see
anybody else either.
I hope you don't mean that.
You'd feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow
morning and you didn't have a family.
No, I wouldn't.
Then say it again.
Maybe it'll happen. I hope I
never see any of you jerks again.
I wish they would all just disappear.
[WINDOW SHUTTERS RATTLING]
[BEEPS]
[KNOCKING]
Where are they? I don't
know. She said 8:00 sharp.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
Peter!
We slept in!
[ALL HUSTLING]
Hi. I'm Mitch Murphy.
I live across the street.
You guys going out of town?
We're going to Orlando, Florida.
Well, actually, first we're going
to Missouri to pick up my grandma.
Do you know the McCallisters
are going to France?
Do you know if it's cold there?
Do these vans get good gas mileage?
Gee, kid, I don't know.
Hit the road.
[RUSHING CONTINUES]
Heather, do a head count.
Make sure everyone's in the vans.
Where are the passports
and tickets?
I put 'em in the microwave
to dry 'em off.
How fast does this thing go?
Does it have automatic transmission?
Does it have four-wheel drive?
Look, I told you before, kid,
don't bother me. Now beat it.
Come on. Hurry up.
Line up in front of the van.
Did you take my batteries?
Line up and shut up!
Wow!
Shut up. I gotta
take a head count.
One, two, three, four, five.
11, 92, 12.
Buzz, don't be a moron.
Six, seven, eight...
9, 10, 11.
Okay. Half in this van, half in
this van. Come on. Let's go.
Have a good trip.
Bring me back something French.
There's no way on earth we're gonna
make this plane. It leaves in 45 minutes.
Think positive, Frank.
You be positive. I'll be realistic.
Ma'am? Ma'am?
Excuse me. What?
I just wanted to let you that
know your power's fixed.
But phone lines are a mess. It's gonna take
Ma Bell a couple of days to patch 'em up.
Especially around the holidays.
Okay, thanks.
Heather! Did you count heads?
Eleven, including me.
Five boys, six girls, four parents, two
drivers and a partridge in a pear tree.
♪♪ [ROCK AND ROLL]
♪♪ [MAN SINGING]
[CHATTERING]
♪♪ [SINGING CONTINUES]
This way!
Hold the plane!
Did we miss the flight?
No, you just made it.
Single seats only in coach. Take
whatever's free. Thank you.
I get a window seat!
You kids are in coach.
We're up here.
Here are your seats. Five "A"and "B"
and four "A"and "B. "
I'll take your coats.
Thank you.
Fasten your seat belts,
please.
Champagne, please. It's free,
isn't it? Oh, yes.
We made it.
Do you believe it?
Hope we didn't forget anything.
What are you doing
out of costume?
Now get back and get dressed.
I'm terribly sorry. I thought
you were our Santa Claus.
Your Santa Claus is intoxicated.
Oh, no.
Yes.
It's disgraceful!
How can you allow a man...
[MAN SINGING DRUNKENLY]
Stop that. What do you mean by
drinking? You know it's not allowed!
But it's cold. A man's gotta
do something to keep warm.
I warm you.I ought to
take this cane and...
Somebody, Julia, get some black
coffee and plenty of it. Yes, of course.
Black with a little cream.
Mom?
Thank you.
That's real crystal. It's real.
Yeah. So?
Put 'em in your purse. Put 'em!
Put 'em! I can't do that. Just...
Put them in your purse!
Yeah, fill it up.
Fill it up, please.
Thank you.
Don't you feel like a heel flying first
class with all the kids back in coach?
No, the kids are fine.
The only flying I ever did as a kid was in the
family station wagon and it wasn't to France.
We used to have to go around to
Aunt Laura and Uncle Arthur's house.
The kids are okay. They're
having the time of their lives.
Yeah.
Hello?
Mom?
Dad?
Mom? Dad?
Where are you guys?
Buzz?
Buzz?
Buzz?
Megan?
Hello? Hello?
Rod? Uncle Frank?
Uncle Frank, is this a joke?
Megan? Linnie?
Is this a joke?
[GROWLING]
[GASPS]
It's only my imagination.
Only my imagination.
The cars are still here.
They didn't go to the airport.
I made my family disappear.
Kevin, you're completely helpless.
You know, Kevin, you're what
the French call les incompetents.
Kevin, I'm going to feed
you to my tarantula.
Kevin, you are such a disease.
There are 15 people
in this house...
and you're the only one
who has to make trouble.
Look what you did,
you little jerk.
I made my family disappear.
♪♪ [ROCK AND ROLL]
Somebody answer the phone.
Where's my suitcase?
I'm going downstairs.
Who stole my hair dryer?
Miss. Young lady.
Excuse me. Girls.
Hey, hey, little fella.
Excuse me, girls. Girls.
Take the witches!
Hey. Hey, big fella.
Excuse me.
Excuse me! Come help me make
up these beds in the living room!
Come on down here.
Ma'am!
Hi. Hey, son! Son!
Big fella! Hey! Hey!
Little guy. Little guy!
Pete's brother and his family
are here. It's crazy.
Trish is going to Montreal.
Montreal?
That's right. Her
family's there.
And we're off.
When do you leave?
Tomorrow. You're
not ready, are you?
Mom! Uncle Frank won't let me
watch the movie, but the big kids can.
Why can't I?
Kevin, I'm on the phone.
When do you come back?
Not till then?
It's not even rated "R."
He's just being a jerk.
Kevin, if Uncle Frank says no,
then it must be really bad.
No, we're not bringing the dog.
We're putting him in a...
Hey, hey! Get off.
Kevin, out of the room.
Hang up the phone and make
me, why don't ya? This kid.
Kate, did you by any chance pick
up a voltage adapter thing?
No, I didn't have
time to do that.
How am I supposed
to shave in France?
Grow a goatee. Dad,
nobody'll let me do anything.
Good-bye. You wanna something to do?
I've got something for you to do.
Pick up those Micro Machines
that are all over in there.
Aunt Leslie stepped on one
and almost broke her neck.
He was in the garage again
playing with the glue gun.
Didn't we talk about that?
Did I burn down the joint?
I don't think so.
I was making ornaments
out of fishhooks.
My new fishhooks?
I can't make ornaments out of the old ones,
with dry worm guts stuck on 'em.
Peter. Come on,
Kevin. Out.
Peter, Kate, do you guys
have a voltage adapter?
Here! Here's a voltage adapter.
You're getting heavy.
Go pack your suitcase.
Pack my suitcase?
Do you know where the shampoo is,
Fuller? I don't live here.
I don't believe a house with this
many people, there's no shampoo.
Pardon me. Are your parents home?
Yeah, but they don't live here.
Tracy, did you order the pizza?
Buzz did.
Excuse me, miss. Are your parents here?
My parents live in Paris. Sorry.
Hi!
Hi!
Are your parents home?
Yeah.
Do they live here? No.
No. Why should they? All kids, no parents.
Probably a fancy orphanage.
I don't know how to pack a suitcase.
I've never done this once in my whole life.
Tough.
That's what Megan said.
What did I say?
You told Kevin, "tough."
The dope was whining about a suitcase.
What am I supposed to do?
Shake his hand and say,
"Congratulations, you're an idiot"?
I'm not an idiot!
Really? You're completely helpless!
Everyone has to do everything for you.
She's right, Kev.
Excuse me, puke-breath. I'm a lot smaller than
you. I don't know how to pack a suitcase.
I hope you didn't just pack crap, Jeff.
Shut up, Linnie.
Do you know what
I should pack?
Buzz told you, cheek-face.
Toilet paper and water.
Listen, Kev, what are
you so worried about?
You know mom's gonna
pack your stuff anyway.
You're what the French
call les incompetents.
What?
Bombs away!
[BANGING LOUDLY]
P.S. You have to sleep
on the hide-a-bed with Fuller.
If he has something to drink,
he's gonna wet the bed.
This house is so full of people,
it makes me sick!
When I grow up and get married,
I'm living alone!
Did you hear me?
I'm living alone!
I'm living alone!
Who's gonna feed your
spider while we're gone?
He just ate a whole load of mice guts.
He should be good for a couple weeks.
Is it true that French babes
don't shave their pits?
Some don't.
But they got nude beaches.
Not in the winter.
♪♪ [TAPE PLAYING, REWINDING]
Buzz? Don't you know how
to knock, phlegmwad?
Can I sleep in your room? I don't want
to sleep in a hide the bed with Fuller.
If he has something to drink,
he'll wet the bed.
I wouldn't let you sleep in my room
if you were growing on my ass.
[OBJECT CLATTERING]
Check it out.
Old man Marley.
Who is he?
You ever heard of the South
Bend Shovel Slayer!?
No.
That's him.
Back in '58, he murdered his whole family
and half the people on his block
with a snow shovel.
Been hiding out in this
neighborhood ever since.
Well, if he's the Shovel Slayer,
how come the cops don't arrest him?
Not enough evidence to convict.
They never found the bodies.
But everyone around
here knows he did it.
Now it'll just be a matter of
time before he does it again.
What's he doing now?
He walks up and down
the streets every night,
salting the sidewalks.
Maybe he's just trying
to be nice.
No way.
See that garbage
can full of salt?
That's where he
keeps his victims.
The salt turns the bodies
into mummies.
Wow.
Mummies.
Look out!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[GRUNTING]
How you kids doing?
Good?
Lot of action around here today?
Going on vacation?
Where you going?
Do you hear me or what?
Going on a trip?
Where you going, kid?
[KNOCKING]
Okay, that's 122.50.
Not for me, kid.
I don't live here.
You just around for the holidays?
I guess you could say that.
Hey, pizza's here!
Here you go. That's 122.50.
It's my brother's house.
He'll take care of it.
Hey kids, come on...
Hey, listen...
Hi. Hi.
Are you Mr. McCallister?
Yeah. The Mr. McCallister
who lives here?
Yes. Oh, good, 'cause
somebody owes me 122.50.
I'd like a word with you, sir.
Am I under arrest or something?
No, no. It's Christmastime. There's always
a lot of burglaries around the holidays. So
we're checking the neighborhood to see if
everyone's taking the proper precautions. That's all.
Yeah. Well, we have automatic timers
for our lights, locks for our doors.
That's about as well as anybody
can do these days. Right!
Do you get some eggnog or something
like that? Come on, Dad.
Let's eat.
Eggnog? Listen, are
you gonna be leaving...
Pizza! Pizza.
Pizza!
Grab yourself a napkin. You're gonna
have to pour your own drinks.
Mom, does Santa Claus have
to go through customs?
What time do we have
to go to bed? Early.
We're leaving the house
at 8:00 a.m. on the button.
I hope you're all drinking milk. I want
to get rid of it. Hey! Don't you dare.
Honey, the pizza boy needs
$122.50 plus a tip.
For pizza?
10 pizzas times 12 bucks.
Frank, you got the money, don't you?
Come on. Traveler's checks.
Forget it, Frank.
We have cash.
You probably got the kind of traveler's
checks that don't work in France.
Did anyone order me
a plain cheese?
Yeah, we did.
But if you want any,
somebody's gonna have to
barf it all up, 'cause it's gone.
Fuller! Go easy
on the Pepsi.
Kev! Kevin, get a plate.
[IMITATES RETCHING]
[SCREAMING]
Wow!
The passports! Watch it!
Help me out here!
No, let's get these passports
out of here.
Kevin, get off of him!
You moron!
Are you okay, honey?
Come here. Are you all right?
What is the matter with you?
He started it!
He ate my pizza on purpose.
He knows I hate sausage
and olives and...
Look what you did,
you little jerk!
Kevin, get upstairs right now.
Why?
Kevin, you're such a disease.
Shut up.
Kevin, upstairs!
Say good night, Kevin.
Good night, Kevin.
Now what's for dinner?
Why do I always get
treated like scum?
I'm sorry.
This house is just crazy.
We've got all these
extra kids running around.
My brother-in-law drove in
from Ohio today. It's just nuts.
How come you didn't
bring more cheese pizzas?
Nice tip. Thanks a lot.
Thanks. Having a reunion
or something?
No. My husband's brother transferred
to Paris last summer,
and all of his kids are still going to school here,
and I guess he missed the whole family.
He's giving us all this trip to Paris for
holidays, so we can be together.
You're taking a trip to Paris? Yes,
we hope to leave tomorrow morning.
Excellent. Excellent.
If you'll excuse me, this one's
out of sorts. I'll be right back.
Don't worry about me.
I spoke to your husband already.
And don't worry
about your home.
It's in good hands.
There are 15 people in this house. You're
the only one who has to make trouble.
I'm the only one getting dumped on.
You're the only one acting up.
Now get upstairs.
I am upstairs, dummy.
The third floor?
Go.
It's scary up there. Don't be silly.
Fuller will be up in a little while.
I don't want to sleep with Fuller.
You know about him. He wets the bed.
He'll pee all over me.
I know it.
Fine. We'll put him
somewhere else.
I'm sorry.
It's too late.
Get upstairs.
Everyone in this family hates me.
Then maybe you should ask
Santa for a new family.
I don't want a new family!
I don't want any family! Families suck!
Stay up there. I don't want to see
you again for the rest of the night.
I don't want to see you
again for the rest of my life.
And I don't want to see
anybody else either.
I hope you don't mean that.
You'd feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow
morning and you didn't have a family.
No, I wouldn't.
Then say it again.
Maybe it'll happen. I hope I
never see any of you jerks again.
I wish they would all just disappear.
[WINDOW SHUTTERS RATTLING]
[BEEPS]
[KNOCKING]
Where are they? I don't
know. She said 8:00 sharp.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
Peter!
We slept in!
[ALL HUSTLING]
Hi. I'm Mitch Murphy.
I live across the street.
You guys going out of town?
We're going to Orlando, Florida.
Well, actually, first we're going
to Missouri to pick up my grandma.
Do you know the McCallisters
are going to France?
Do you know if it's cold there?
Do these vans get good gas mileage?
Gee, kid, I don't know.
Hit the road.
[RUSHING CONTINUES]
Heather, do a head count.
Make sure everyone's in the vans.
Where are the passports
and tickets?
I put 'em in the microwave
to dry 'em off.
How fast does this thing go?
Does it have automatic transmission?
Does it have four-wheel drive?
Look, I told you before, kid,
don't bother me. Now beat it.
Come on. Hurry up.
Line up in front of the van.
Did you take my batteries?
Line up and shut up!
Wow!
Shut up. I gotta
take a head count.
One, two, three, four, five.
11, 92, 12.
Buzz, don't be a moron.
Six, seven, eight...
9, 10, 11.
Okay. Half in this van, half in
this van. Come on. Let's go.
Have a good trip.
Bring me back something French.
There's no way on earth we're gonna
make this plane. It leaves in 45 minutes.
Think positive, Frank.
You be positive. I'll be realistic.
Ma'am? Ma'am?
Excuse me. What?
I just wanted to let you that
know your power's fixed.
But phone lines are a mess. It's gonna take
Ma Bell a couple of days to patch 'em up.
Especially around the holidays.
Okay, thanks.
Heather! Did you count heads?
Eleven, including me.
Five boys, six girls, four parents, two
drivers and a partridge in a pear tree.
♪♪ [ROCK AND ROLL]
♪♪ [MAN SINGING]
[CHATTERING]
♪♪ [SINGING CONTINUES]
This way!
Hold the plane!
Did we miss the flight?
No, you just made it.
Single seats only in coach. Take
whatever's free. Thank you.
I get a window seat!
You kids are in coach.
We're up here.
Here are your seats. Five "A"and "B"
and four "A"and "B. "
I'll take your coats.
Thank you.
Fasten your seat belts,
please.
Champagne, please. It's free,
isn't it? Oh, yes.
We made it.
Do you believe it?
Hope we didn't forget anything.
What are you doing
out of costume?
Now get back and get dressed.
I'm terribly sorry. I thought
you were our Santa Claus.
Your Santa Claus is intoxicated.
Oh, no.
Yes.
It's disgraceful!
How can you allow a man...
[MAN SINGING DRUNKENLY]
Stop that. What do you mean by
drinking? You know it's not allowed!
But it's cold. A man's gotta
do something to keep warm.
I warm you.I ought to
take this cane and...
Somebody, Julia, get some black
coffee and plenty of it. Yes, of course.
Black with a little cream.
Mom?
Thank you.
That's real crystal. It's real.
Yeah. So?
Put 'em in your purse. Put 'em!
Put 'em! I can't do that. Just...
Put them in your purse!
Yeah, fill it up.
Fill it up, please.
Thank you.
Don't you feel like a heel flying first
class with all the kids back in coach?
No, the kids are fine.
The only flying I ever did as a kid was in the
family station wagon and it wasn't to France.
We used to have to go around to
Aunt Laura and Uncle Arthur's house.
The kids are okay. They're
having the time of their lives.
Yeah.
Hello?
Mom?
Dad?
Mom? Dad?
Where are you guys?
Buzz?
Buzz?
Buzz?
Megan?
Hello? Hello?
Rod? Uncle Frank?
Uncle Frank, is this a joke?
Megan? Linnie?
Is this a joke?
[GROWLING]
[GASPS]
It's only my imagination.
Only my imagination.
The cars are still here.
They didn't go to the airport.
I made my family disappear.
Kevin, you're completely helpless.
You know, Kevin, you're what
the French call les incompetents.
Kevin, I'm going to feed
you to my tarantula.
Kevin, you are such a disease.
There are 15 people
in this house...
and you're the only one
who has to make trouble.
Look what you did,
you little jerk.
I made my family disappear.
♪♪ [ROCK AND ROLL]