Holmes & Watson (2018) - full transcript
A humorous take on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's classic mysteries featuring Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson.
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♪ All aboard!
♪ Hip-hop's dead
♪ That's what they said on the news
♪ Nah, it's still alive
♪ But it's getting confused
♪ So there's no time to waste
♪ Not a second to lose
♪ 'Cause the clocks don't stop
♪ When you set 'em to snooze
♪ And it just don't stop
♪ 'Cause the time rolls
♪ On and on and on
♪ To the next stop
♪ And it just won't stop
♪ Because life goes
♪ On and on and on
♪ To the next stop
♪ What, that's how it goes
♪ When you hop on the line
♪ You'll find anything you like
♪ But you can't buy time
♪ And there ain't no pause
♪ No press rewind
♪ So you don't want to get left behind ♪
BOY: Extra! Extra!
Read all about it!
Moriarty's crime spree over!
Professor James Moriarty
faces justice today!
The Napoleon of crime on trial!
- Greatest criminal in the empire!
- That's fake news.
(GAVEL BANGS) JUDGE:
Professor James Moriarty.
You have been the organizer
of half that is evil
and all that goes undetected
in this great city.
Today, you are charged with
murder in the first degree,
but all the witnesses have died.
Without said witnesses, I have
no choice but to set you free.
(GALLERY MURMURING)
Inspector Lestrade,
you simply must take
better care of your witnesses.
(GALLERY JEERING)
Mark my words,
Sherlock Holmes is
on his way and, with him,
the evidence that will
damn you to the noose.
Then we should all pray he arrives soon,
for, on the strike of noon,
I shall have to release this menace.
Sherlock will be here.
He is about to burst through
those doors right now.
Stop this trial at once!
I, Sherlock Holmes,
have solved the case
of Professor James Moriarty.
Wonderful.
Wonderful, Holmes.
A dramatic entrance worthy
of your greatest achievement.
Watson, did you notice my emphasis
on "Professor James Moriarty"?
Yes, with the finger, yes.
Much better than the hand.
Yes.
Instead of the karate chop,
I went to the index finger.
Yes, it's the best one yet.
This is the moment everyone's
been waiting for. Right here.
Yes, and they're literally
waiting for it now.
Oh, yes.
You must get dressed.
Yes?
Very well.
There we are.
There are your things.
Remember, trial of the century. Yes.
We have but...
Oh, let's see now.
Just 16 minutes left, Holmes.
- Nearly there?
- HOLMES: Nearly there.
A sniff of morning cocaine
always helps the brain. Ah!
Come now, Sherlock.
We mustn't let that trial conclude.
For this occasion,
I have selected a new hat.
From now on, when people utter
the name "Sherlock Holmes,"
they will picture this.
Brilliant. Can we go?
Your furrowed brow
betrays your lying lips.
Oh, no.
Not to worry.
Ta-da!
Hey, there, cowboy.
(LAUGHS)
That's the one. That's the one.
Bang, bang.
We should leave, yes?
Oh!
Aye, aye.
I say, I like that one very much.
You don't want to be late, Mr. Holmes.
(GASPS) Mrs. Hudson,
what do you think of this one?
Me? I'm just a housekeeper
from the Glasgow slums.
The likes of me telling the likes
of you what to put on his noggin?
Good point.
Back to your monkey work, Hudson.
(WATSON CLEARS THROAT)
- WATSON: Perfect, right?
- HOLMES: May I show you a few more hats?
- WATSON: No!
- Someone's left a wee box.
What are you going on about?
I never even heard anyone knocking.
Did you hear anything?
How very queer.
- Queerer and queerer.
- HOLMES: Hmm.
Very odd.
(INSECT BUZZING)
Watson, no.
Holmes, why are you
getting so exercised?
It's merely an empty box.
(GASPS)
Watson, this is sent from Moriarty.
He means to kill us.
Listen.
(INSECT BUZZING)
Shut that window.
If this winged menace escapes,
it may cause a pandemic.
A killer mosquito?
The insect is infected
with African plague.
One bite means death.
Now, dance a Dutch jig.
♪ ♪
You don't have to ask me twice
to do a Dutch jig, but why?
Your body heat will attract
him to dine on your flesh.
Brilliant.
Hold! Don't move.
Where is it?
Right there.
There. Right there on your forehead.
Kill it, Holmes.
I'm going to kill it.
(BUZZING)
There it is.
Where?
Hold, hold. No, no.
Where?
(BUZZING)
(GROANS) No, hold, hold.
Is it biting?
(BOTH GRUNTING)
I hear it.
(GRUNTS)
(GROANING)
I see it.
(BUZZING)
The tip!
Don't worry, boys.
I brought a net.
(GROANS)
(BEES BUZZING)
It is now seven minutes before noon.
Upon the lowering of my gavel,
the charges shall be dismissed.
(GALLERY GASPING, MURMURING)
I shall raise my gavel in the air
that so... and then bring it down
briskly, making a satisfying bang,
at which point the prisoner
shall go free.
(GALLERY GASPS)
(BUZZING)
HOLMES: Angle of approach.
Compensate for warp in floor.
Count for resistance due to dust motes.
Probable outcome,
termination of mosquito.
(MOSQUITO SQUEAKS)
Integrity of bee habitat maintained.
Deadly bee swarm averted.
(GRUNTS)
(SQUISHES)
(BEES BUZZING)
(GASPS)
The mosquito's vanquished.
(SIGHS)
Well done, Holmes.
It's a simple matter of
geometry, entomology and physics.
(QUIET CRACKLING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Oh, my God!
Oh, shit.
Watson! Stop panicking!
We can disable the queen.
It's making them angry, Holmes!
Oh, my God.
What are they doing?
They're turning this way!
Just do anything!
Help me!
It's working!
It's not working!
Get it off!
It's not working!
(WATSON GRUNTS)
Holmes, we retreat.
Run for safety. I'll lead them away.
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING, GROANS)
(BEES BUZZING)
(HORSE NEIGHS)
(CLOCK TICKING)
(GALLERY GASPS)
(GUNSHOT)
(GALLERY GASPING)
Stop this trial!
(GALLERY MURMURING, YELLING)
May I present to you
the greatest detective of all time,
solver of the unsolvable,
untier of Gordian knots,
bester of conundrums,
the great Sherlock Holmes.
(GALLERY CHEERING)
GALLERY: (CHANTING)
Sherlock! Sherlock! Sherlock!
Sherlock! Sherlock! Sherlock!
Stop this trial at once!
(MAN GROANS)
JUDGE: Thank goodness
you've arrived, Mr. Holmes.
Now, what startling new evidence
do you have for the court?
I am the evidence.
(GALLERY GASPING, MURMURING)
Inspector Lestrade,
call the police office.
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Now... I recall the day vividly.
I arrived at the crime scene alone.
Completely and utterly alone.
(SIGHS, SCOFFS)
I meticulously inspected every
nook and cranny of that study,
hunting for clues, much like
a panther stalks its prey.
(ROARS)
(ALL GASP)
And as I stood there,
I began to employ
a groundbreaking new technique.
Right there.
Behold! Fingerprints.
(GALLERY MURMURING)
Imagine a print
being taken from a finger.
I love it.
How do these prove Moriarty's guilt?
(SHELL CASINGS CLINKING)
Watson.
Moriarty would never leave
a trail of clues,
which begs the question,
why was this crime scene
so uncharacteristically
littered with fingerprints?
Good work, Watson.
Thank you. I just thought
of what you might have done.
I compared these prints
to those of the man standing before you.
A perfect match.
Unequivocal proof that this man
- is innocent.
- LESTRADE: What?
But if those are Moriarty's prints,
then Moriarty is the murderer.
This man is not Moriarty.
(GALLERY GASPING) MAN:
He sure looks like Moriarty.
He's an impostor.
His name is Jacob Musgrave.
A complete look-alike, a doppelganger.
A patsy framed to hang
for Moriarty's crimes,
so that I may abandon my pursuit of him
and he can begin life anew in America.
Why would an innocent man agree
to hang for Moriarty's crimes?
Elementary.
This man is terminally ill.
Look at him.
His pallid complexion.
The palsy in his left hand.
Wait. I know.
He's an onanist.
Yes, of the most enthusiastic kind.
MAN: What's an onanist?
WATSON: He...
Let's see.
He pours his own tea.
He likes to create his own sauce.
- He is a saucier.
- GALLERY: Huh?
And the name of his restaurant
is Crotch Kitchen.
On a daily basis,
he creams his own eclair.
He is Romeo and Juliet.
That should do it.
- This here.
- MAN: Oh, he's a wanker.
WATSON: Thank you.
Sorry, ladies.
(CHUCKLES)
This chap here had nothing
to lose by being executed.
He was literally dying by his own hand.
It causes death, you see.
The infallible Sherlock Holmes
has indeed spoken.
In light of his testimony, I order
the release of the suspect.
What? This is an outrage!
Do not let this murderer free.
Bang, bang, bang!
Court is adjourned.
Sherlock Holmes has done it again!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Why are you cheering?
Sherlock!
GALLERY: (CHANTING)
Sherlock! Sherlock! Sherlock!
WATSON: That couldn't have gone better.
HOLMES: It couldn't have.
And I tell you, that case was rather...
It took us three years to catch him.
If we release him now,
we may never find him again.
Put aside your ego and admit I am right.
I am afraid Moriarty's
long gone to America.
Whatever crimes Moriarty
commits from now on
are on your head.
WATSON: I quite like
seeing Lestrade upset.
(LAUGHS) Yeah. I do, too.
(HORSE NEIGHS)
(VIOLIN PLAYING)
WATSON: Professor James
Moriarty fled to the Americas
and would never darken England again.
(VIOLIN PLAYING OFF-KEY)
(HOLMES GROANS)
(GRUNTING)
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Holmes.
Are you upset?
It's just that Moriarty
was the whetstone
upon which I sharpened my mental blade.
With him gone, not there
to challenge me, why go on?
Instead, I shall occupy
my great, great mind
with nutritional science.
My research suggests
that the sulfurous compounds
of the common onion
can increase your red blood cells.
Vital for human health.
(GRUNTING)
Just bite it like an apple, eh?
Mmm-hmm.
(HOLMES EXCLAIMING)
(GASPING)
(COUGHING, CHOKING)
Definitely takes four or five bites.
(GRUNTING)
Are we meant to eat the whole thing?
The whole thing.
Let the juice slither
down the back of your throat.
(GAGGING)
(COUGHING)
Congratulations, Holmes.
You're not only
the smartest man in London,
you shall soon be the healthiest.
Indeed.
Now, where's my opium?
Um...
(GROANS)
Mrs. Hudson!
Hudson!
Hudson!
Help!
Hudson, Watson has stuck
a carrot up my bum!
Hudson, help!
Fire! Fire!
Call the police!
Hudson, your mother has died!
You brain-dead bag of bones!
Hudson!
Hudson!
Hudson!
Hudson, where are you?
Uh...
(SCOFFS)
HOLMES: Did you not hear any of that?
We screamed "fire."
Where?
And we were screaming your name.
You were just there in my bedroom?
(ZIPPER CLOSES)
Oh.
(SCOFFS)
_ _ _
Shut up.
Come on.
No wonder my room always
smells like fish pie and swamp.
(DOOR CLOSES)
This came for you.
Hmm.
Sealed by hands unused to manual labor.
WATSON: Hmm.
Hmm.
Saliva from a protein-rich
diet of chicken kidneys.
Why, Watson, it's from the Queen.
(EXCLAIMS)
Huh.
Seems Her Majesty requests my services.
A crime that has baffled
even her closest advisors,
and only my singular intellect
can solve it.
Well, well, well,
look who's back in the game.
HOLMES: Watson, are you all right?
WATSON: I'm just very nervous.
I've not met the Queen before.
Deep breath.
Your Majesty,
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson.
(WATSON BREATHING HEAVILY)
My God, it's really her.
Shh.
Watson.
Say something.
I love you.
I know I am duty-bound to serve you, but
let me just say, on a personal note,
- I really like you.
- HOLMES: Stop touching her.
Just as a fan.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Please, sir.
Don't touch the Queen.
Oh!
Quite right.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Sorry, Your Majesty.
You look a lot smaller in person.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Just stop. Just stop.
Sorry. It's true.
Just stop talking.
Yes.
Stop talking.
I'm crazy about your look.
What did I say?
Am I still talking out loud?
You are. You are.
It's just the Queen.
(EXHALES) Yes.
(WATSON SNORTS)
- Okay?
- WATSON: Okay.
HOLMES: Your Majesty,
how may we be of service to the realm?
Mr. Holmes, pray follow us.
There is danger about.
(EXHALES)
What a looker, right?
She is stunning in person.
(EXHALES)
Fear not, Your Majesty,
Sherlock will allow no harm to
come to you, and neither will I.
Five, four, three,
two, one.
ALL: Surprise!
(APPLAUSE)
Thank you.
Thank you.
Had I been a non-genius
such as yourselves,
there's a 72% chance
I would have been surprised.
Oh! 72%.
(APPLAUSE)
Happy birthday, Sherlock Holmes.
We wish you well and thank
you for your many years...
Your many years of public service.
(CORK POPS)
(CHUCKLING)
So, Holmes.
Yes.
When did you know?
Tuesday.
Really?
You were seven minutes late coming home.
(SNIFFING) Stopped at the stationer's,
confirmed by the scent of paper mulch.
(SIGHS) You have the nose
of a bloodhound.
Your mustache betrayed
a dusting of crumbs.
Evidence of cake sampling.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Guilty.
And you purchased a case
of pre-phylloxera champagne.
You lack the self-esteem to buy
yourself such an extravagant bottle.
It's true. (CHUCKLES)
I don't deserve nice things.
(SINGERS HARMONIZING)
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow
♪ And so say all of us ♪
(LAUGHS) Bravo.
(APPLAUSE)
Thank you.
That was delightful.
Oh, a layer cake.
WATSON: It's shaped
like a magnifying glass.
Yes!
(HOLMES GRUNTING)
The second layer is rather thick.
(GRUNTING)
There must be a few nuts
in there. Uh, if I may.
Would you mind?
Here. Yes, of course.
(WATSON GRUNTS)
(SQUISHING)
Do you see what I'm talking about?
Yes.
Yes.
Ah. Raspberry jam.
Mmm. My weakness.
I know what I need.
MAN: What the...
He's getting an ax!
Brilliant.
Charge!
(SHOUTING)
(CROWD GASPING)
Oh!
LESTRADE: Stand back.
Back, everyone, I say.
A murder in Buckingham Palace.
Look, a note. There.
Right under your nose.
"A birthday present for you, Sherlock.
"A crime to challenge your wits.
"Stop me in four days' time,
"or I will destroy London's
greatest marvel and kill the Queen,
"and I will rewrite history."
Signed "Professor James Moriarty."
HOLMES: Hmm.
This is Jimmy Gruber,
the witness who disappeared,
whose testimony prompted
Moriarty's arrest
and whom Moriarty swore to kill.
And your conclusion?
That Moriarty has killed
again, as I predicted.
Ah. The most obvious conclusion.
(HOLMES AND WATSON SCOFFING)
No, this is definitely the work
of someone who is going
to extraordinary lengths
to make it appear as if
Moriarty committed these crimes.
- Sherlock Holmes.
- HOLMES: The Queen.
We charge you with the task
of stopping this criminal
before he can do us harm.
Solve this case on behalf
of your queen and country.
- I will.
- We will.
But, Your Majesty...
Sherlock Holmes has never failed us.
The bold ingenuity of this crime
calls me back to the profession
of detecting like a siren song.
I won't let anyone hurt you.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Watson. To the morgue.
Lestrade, clean this mess up now.
The game is a-starting.
Yeah.
HOLMES: Who is this copycat
pretending to be Moriarty?
Finally, a problem worthy of my brain.
This birthday cake is delicious.
Did you get a chance to try it?
No, there was a corpse in it.
Oh.
(CLINKING)
(COUGHS)
Watson?
Oh.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh.
Finders keepers.
Yeah.
Are you sure you wouldn't
rather wait out here?
The last time you were
in the morgue, you...
Watson, I am a man
of stout constitution.
Yes, of course. I just
thought, after the last time,
with the...
And the...
(SIGHS)
Merely a bout of stomach influenza.
Yes, but the time before that?
Bad clams.
And before that?
I shook hands with a prostitute.
Yes.
No, no.
Put that away.
I'm not some vaporous,
giggling, fainting maiden who...
Oh, ye of little...
(RETCHING)
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
(REPRESSED RETCHING)
I think I'm starting to feel a bit...
(EXHALES)
I wouldn't...
Are you...
No, no, I'm fine. I'm fine.
'Cause if you start to feel
sick, then I'll start to feel...
(RETCHING)
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
Surely, I must be done.
Yes.
Next to impossible to still...
(REPRESSED RETCHING)
There you are.
All done.
Yes, there.
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
Would you like some water?
Did you say water...
(RETCHES)
Sorry. I'm sorry.
Shall we begin the autopsy?
Oh, thank goodness
these cleaning women are here
to clean up this dreadful mess.
Someone's made sick.
Oh.
My dear Watson, these women
are far too well-dressed
to be cleaning women.
They're here to identify their
well-to-do husbands' bodies.
Sorry for your loss.
Thank you, but I am the doctor.
Look, Watson, grief has
scrambled her brain.
Mmm.
She thinks she's a doctor.
Fortunately, Miss,
there's a real doctor here
who may help you.
Would you like some heroin?
Dr. Watson, I presume.
And you must be Sherlock Holmes.
Dr. Grace Hart of Boston.
A woman doctor?
- What times we live in.
- GRACE: (CHUCKLES) Yes.
In America, we're much more progressive.
I now make 30 cents for
every dollar a man earns.
What does "doctor" mean in America?
It means "doctor."
You're Dr. G. Hart?
Of Boston?
Yes.
Holmes, we're in the
presence of a pioneer.
Dr. Hart's work with the use
of electroshock therapy
to cure female hysteria
is groundbreaking.
Yes, I proved the higher the voltage,
the more demons are released.
Well, of course.
Some of my patients live
as long as a week.
"Doctor"?
Spelled D-O-C-T-O-R?
Yes.
(EXHALES)
This is my aide, Millicent.
She's very shy, but a
wonderful traveling companion.
Shall we proceed to the examination?
(CHUCKLES)
Please.
Our cadaver awaits.
(REPRESSED RETCHING)
No, no, no.
Here.
Mr. Holmes, you look rather unwell.
Perhaps you would rather stay
here and keep Millicent company.
Sherlock Holmes.
Charmed to meet...
(REPRESSED RETCHING)
To meet you.
GRACE: Millicent is the
subject of my research.
She was raised by feral cats.
She has the mental capacity
of a four-year-old,
but it is my belief that, with
sufficient electroshock therapy,
she can achieve the
intellect of a six-year-old.
(SIGHS) We are truly in
the golden age of medicine.
(CHUCKLES) There's
nothing left to learn.
No.
HOLMES:
What a creature you are.
(CHUCKLES)
(ONION CRUNCHING)
You're devouring that onion
with such passion.
It's strangely arousing.
Dr. Watson,
I have always been taken
by your unwavering devotion
to Mr. Holmes,
but haven't you ever
considered something more?
Perhaps a co-detective?
He and I?
Co-detectives?
Yes.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, the very idea!
Uh...
Solving crimes together?
Laughing and enjoying
the esprit de corps
of two best friends
pursuing a noble cause!
Madness. No, dear.
No. No, not I.
Not here.
Not even in my most rapturous
moments of private fantasy.
(SIGHS)
Anyway, let's go clean this
cake-covered bastard, shall we?
WATSON: The wonders
of modern medicine.
Now, you're going to laugh,
but I found the most important
tool of an autopsy is...
Music.
Yes.
You, too?
(CHUCKLES)
MAN:
♪ Oh, my love ♪
This one always gets me in the mood.
So begins the dance.
(CHUCKLES) You have some dribble. Hmm?
Just a touch of dribble right...
(SNAPS)
(GASPS)
♪ And time goes by... ♪
There is something so sensual about
forensic autopsy, isn't there?
You are a delight.
Your eyes say more
than words ever could.
(DOOR OPENS)
(CHUCKLES, SNIFFING)
Hmm.
(DOOR CLOSES)
The tincture of ammonia and scrotum.
Hello, Inspector Lestrade.
We have combed the manifests
of every ship to set sail
for the Americas
and found not a single Moriarty.
Moriarty's too cunning
to use his own name.
He's sailing under an alias.
(BLADES CLINK) WATSON:
(PANTING) Ah, here we are.
So, after a thorough...
Very thorough.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Stop.
(CHUCKLES) No, you stop.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Examination of the body...
And I must say, Dr. Hart made some
beautiful lateral incisions there.
No, watching you flay the skin
from his face so gently!
I would flay 1,000 faces for you.
And the way...
Just tell me what you found!
(CLEARS THROAT) Yes.
Cause of death indeterminate.
LESTRADE:
Indeterminate?
What do you mean?
It means he doesn't know.
- Proceed, Watson.
- WATSON: Yes.
We found a freshly applied
tattoo of a cross
and the numbers one and 20.
I have the oddest feeling.
It's like knowing, but the opposite.
Meaning you haven't a clue.
Who is this genius pretender
who's taken Moriarty's place,
committing crimes exactly
the way he would? (SIGHS)
HOLMES: A fantastic new case.
I'm aroused
both mentally and physically.
I was wondering, rather than
working beside you on this case,
I might work with you as a sort of...
Grace called it a "co-detective."
One cannot simply just
make someone a detective.
It must be earned.
Well, I deduced you might say that,
which is why, when we arrive home,
I propose a game of chess.
If I should best you,
then surely I possess
the mental power...
Checkmate! Checkmate.
What?
We haven't started yet.
You would have opened
with the Queen's Gambit.
Oh, indeed.
A reliable first move.
I would have countered
with a Slav Defense.
Oh! An audacious move.
Quite unexpected.
You would have panicked,
thus exposing your queen.
No, not my queen!
Seeing your queen exposed
would have compelled you to defend her.
Indeed. It is my duty
in chess as in life.
Thereby neglecting my castle.
(GASPS)
Checkmate.
Perhaps another game?
Rock-paper-scissors.
Rock, rock, paper, paper,
scissors, paper,
rock, scissors, paper, rock.
(GASPS)
Dash it all!
What about Battleship?
HOLMES:
D-3, E-3, F-3, and G-3.
WATSON:
Damn it, you've sunk my battleship.
HOLMES: You're a good man, Watson,
but you're not ready.
But why?
If you were ready, you'd know why.
WATSON: Let the game begin.
A piece for a piece.
Two can play at that game.
(GRUNTS SOFTLY)
Mmm.
(GRUNTS)
Peekaboo.
(SNAPPING)
Ah. Checkmate.
And to the victor, the spoils.
(GIGGLES)
(SIGHS)
(IN GRACE'S VOICE)
You'll never be co-detective.
(SCREAMS, GASPING)
(HORSE NEIGHING)
(CUP CLINKING)
Watson, I'm near a breakthrough.
My hypothesis is the true cause of death
is ink poisoning via the fresh tattoo.
But I need your help.
You want me to be co-detective?
(LAUGHS) Mmm-mmm.
I'm awfully sorry, Dr. Watson.
Sorry for what?
Mr. Holmes left me no choice.
May you rest in peace.
What's she on about?
All will be clear in three, two, one.
(GASPS)
Excuse me. (COUGHS)
I'll take that.
(CHOKING) It's just something
caught in my throat.
Oh, no.
I poisoned you.
(HOARSELY) Why?
To test my theory.
(WHEEZING)
Am I going to die?
No, I have an antidote.
Oh. But I need to see it play out.
Now, let's see here.
(WHEEZING) Redness around the mouth.
Good.
(GASPING) Help me.
You will have temporary brain damage.
Wake up, Watson. Wake up.
(SQUEALS)
We have work to do.
Watson.
Who's Watson?
I'll kill him!
You son of a bitch!
(YELLS)
Violent aggression.
Oh, please give me the antidote.
Drama queen syndrome.
Why am I doing this?
Confused mime.
Oh! Does this suit make me look fat?
Body image dysmorphia.
(SCREAMS) My eyes!
Sensitivity to light.
My eyes! It burns!
(SCREAMING)
Excruciating abdominal pain.
(GROANING)
Yes, it's confirmed.
It was poison.
Come, Watson.
Let us not be late.
(GROANING)
Oh! Of course.
Lactation.
(GROANING)
Why?
Come along, Watson.
I'll explain in the cab.
(COUGHS)
There we go.
Oh, thank God for this antidote.
I feel as though I've
completely recovered. (SIGHS)
Yes, you have.
(WATSON SIGHS)
There.
So where are we going?
The fact that the victim was poisoned
suggests the killer lacked
physical strength to overpower him.
The tattoos you examined
have an uneven quality.
It leads me to believe that they
were drawn by a one-armed man.
A one-armed man.
Yes.
A weak man who would use poison.
There is only one one-armed
tattoo artist in all of London.
The nefarious Gustav Klinger.
Dorset Street! And
don't spare the horses!
(WHIP CRACKS)
Dorset Street.
Home of drunkards, thieves,
and hairy, old whores.
HOLMES: And, if my theory
is correct, the killer.
(WATSON LAUGHS)
WOMAN: Hello, gorgeous.
Though all is calm now,
we must be on highest alert.
(CARRIAGE DRIVER GROANS)
Shall we ask someone if they've
seen our one-armed Mr. Klinger?
This neighborhood does not
welcome curious outsiders.
Excuse me.
Have you the time?
Not for you, outsider.
(YELLS IN PAIN)
Merciful God.
HOLMES: We must blend in.
Fortunately, my time tripping the boards
has made me a master of disguise.
Yes.
WATSON: You.
What have you done with Sherlock?
Why, Watson,
I never left.
(GASPS)
Amazing.
Yes, I know.
Yes, you've outdone yourself this time.
Now...
Huh?
No.
Still me.
It's you?
It's still Sherlock.
All right.
Rest assured.
It's very convincing.
Now for your disguise.
Oh, what will it be?
(HOLMES LAUGHS)
Yes. You, my friend,
shall play a down-on-your-luck
horseshit salesman.
Oh.
Yes.
Yes. Yes.
Come, Watson. We have a
one-armed killer to catch.
Get into character.
- WATSON: Horseshit for sale!
- HOLMES: There you go.
- WATSON: Who will buy my horse's shit?
- MAN: I'll take some.
No one must know our true purpose. Mmm.
What you toffs want?
To buy a pint for any man
who can raise two hands.
(MEN CHEERING)
Every man has both arms.
Klinger isn't here.
Our journey continues.
Blend in like a common oaf. Yes.
(LIVELY CHATTER, LAUGHTER)
HOLMES: Keep drinking.
We need to fit in.
Cheers.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Cheers!
More, more, more!
(LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING)
(ALL CHEERING)
Oi! Oi! Oi!
(RHYTHMIC TAPPING)
(BOTH BARKING)
(HOWLS)
They have boxing here.
(EXCLAIMS)
WATSON: I don't care if he's small!
- WATSON: Kill!
- WOMAN: Come on, fight!
Shouldn't we be looking for Klinger?
Who cares about Klinger?
Exactly!
(GROANS, SCREAMS)
(SCREAMS)
Release the child!
Let go of that boy!
I want him dead!
WATSON: Sweet river of piss.
(BOTH SIGH)
You have real force there.
Arc of stream.
Direction of wind.
Compensate for shy penis.
Avoid splash on shoes.
(GRUNTS)
And release fluids.
Oh, my goodness.
Damn it, I forgot to unzip my pants.
You really are a genius.
Oh, watch it.
Oh, sorry.
WATSON: I should like
to send a telegram.
Grace. Stop.
Are you awake? Stop.
(HOLMES CHUCKLING)
Uh, you're such a pretty doctor lady.
Ooh!
(WATSON CHUCKLES)
Are you quite sure this is a good idea?
(SLURRING)
This is wonderful.
The combination of the late
hour and your drunkenness
allows for communication
of exceptional honesty.
Quite right.
I will call it an intoxigram.
And no one shall ever
regret sending one.
Now, lay bare the fruits
of your inebriation.
Ask her what she's wearing.
What are you wearing?
Stop.
Bloomers?
A brassiere?
(CHUCKLES)
I'd wager you'd look good in anything.
Wonderful.
Stop.
Shall I ask what Millie
thinks about you?
Um...
(SIGHS) I don't care.
Sure. Why not?
What does Millie think of Sherlock?
Does Millie ever drip wax over her body?
Hot wax. Stop.
- Okay. That's enough.
- WATSON: Yeah, I think so.
_ _ _
Now show her how she
makes you feel. Huh?
Just go ahead.
Display it.
(UNZIPS PANTS)
There.
(THUD ON TABLE)
_ _ _
Telegraph a picture of this.
And make sure you get
the banger and the beans.
Focus on the mushroom.
Are you positive I shan't
regret this in the morning?
(CHUCKLES)
You absolutely will.
Silence, you!
Say it again.
Say it again. I dare you. Oh!
Please say it.
Please say it again.
Do you think you would be
the first man I've killed?
I have the penis of a baby doll.
It's just a statement of fact.
(ROOSTER CROWS)
(HOLMES AND WATSON CHUCKLING)
Oh, well, Watson,
after a night of drinking,
I could eat a whole pie.
WATSON: Oh, no, it's
cakes for me, my friend.
Ah! Cakes, indeed!
Yes. Yes, cakes stacked on cakes.
We should open a restaurant called
the International House of
Cakes Stacked Upon Other Cakes.
(CHUCKLING) Yes, and you can only
eat there after a night of drinking.
Well, speaking of the night,
I fear it's a night wasted.
No sign of Klinger anywhere. Mmm.
Not so fast, Watson.
Look at those two men and their tattoos.
I don't understand.
We haven't been able
to find the tattoo artist.
Perhaps we should follow the tattoos.
(GRUNTING, INDISTINCT CHATTER)
WATSON: A gymnasium?
You really think Klinger
would be here, Holmes?
Look alive, Watson.
He could be anywhere.
TRAINER: Three, two, one.
Pick it up. Pick it up.
That's it.
INSTRUCTOR: Out with the
bad air, in with the good.
WATSON: Look at these health nuts.
(MEN COUGHING)
INSTRUCTOR: Big deep breath.
WATSON: Obsessed with the
purifying effects of smoke.
INSTRUCTOR: All right, good
lungful of the cleansing vapors.
(EXHALES) I don't think
he's here, Holmes.
(DOOR OPENS)
MAN: Hello, hello, hello!
Sherlock Holmes.
HOLMES: Ah.
You must be Gustav Klinger,
the one-armed tattoo
artist of Dorset Street.
Looks like it.
(WHIRRING)
Gustav Klinger, I accuse you
of poisoning Jimmy Gruber
and baking him into a large cake.
A deliciously large cake
that I baked myself.
Oh, please.
How dare you!
You did not bake that cake.
Not only did I bake it.
I decorated it, too.
Impossible.
It's got a frosting attachment.
You're trying to tell me
that a one-armed man made a
professional, bakery-quality cake
fit for the Queen.
Watson.
It's just... It...
It doesn't matter
if he baked the cake or not.
It really bugs... I know.
- It really...
- WATSON: Best cake I've ever eaten.
I did bake the cake.
All right, fine.
You "baked the cake."
I didn't "bake a cake."
I baked a cake.
Then you admit it.
You killed Jimmy Gruber.
KLINGER: And what if I did, Mr. Holmes?
It's not as if you're in a
position to do anything about it.
He's right, Sherlock Holmes.
You've walked straight into our trap.
(CROWD EXCLAIMING)
Moriarty.
Quiet, Watson.
In the name of the queen,
I arrest you both.
(CHUCKLING)
Oh, come, Sherlock.
You don't think it'll be that easy.
You won't be leaving
here alive, Mr. Holmes,
unless, of course, you fight
your way out of the Hexagon.
(CROWD MURMURING)
Where are you pointing?
There.
This way or that way?
There.
- HOLMES: Oh.
- KLINGER: The Hexagon.
But I won't fight a one-armed man.
Oh, no. I've got this,
Sherlock. (SNIFFS)
It won't be the first time I've
fought a cripple. (CHUCKLES)
Oh, uh...
You won't be fighting me.
Nah, nah, nah.
You're fighting my mate.
Meet Brawn.
(STRAINS)
(THUDS)
Oh, come on.
(MORIARTY LAUGHS MENACINGLY)
Well, I call bullshit.
(BELL DINGING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
I fear it might be suicide
to fight this man.
I think it's mostly psychological.
(ROARING)
(CROWD EXCLAIMS)
I'm psychologically
scared shitless right now.
CROWD: (CHANTING)
Fight! Fight! Fight!
(ROARING)
Okay. Okay.
But if you want to watch
this fight, you have to pay.
You have to pay to view it.
(CROWD GROANING)
This is a pay-to-view-it fight.
WATSON: Yes, I know
it seems a bit unfair,
but if you split it among a few friends
and buy some beers, some pizza,
it could be a fun thing to do
with the guys.
It's time!
Let's get ready to scuffle!
(ALL CHEERING)
(BELL DINGING)
CROWD: (CHANTING)
Scuffle! Scuffle! Scuffle!
MAN: Nice!
HOLMES:
What is she doing here?
It's 6:00 in the morning.
Holmes, I don't know why...
Yes... but that really jacked me up.
Ah! I think I might stand a chance.
It reminds me of Istanbul.
Exactly. And what
did I beat in Istanbul?
Syphilis!
Syphilis! Exactly.
Go get him.
All right.
Come on!
"Come on"?
You come on!
You!
You mountain of flesh.
(SHOUTING)
(SCREAMING)
(ROARING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
Your turn, Mr. Holmes!
Yes, I know.
Of course I'm next.
HOLMES:
Opponent, 350 pounds.
Use pipe.
Create diversion to distract his gaze.
Plan of attack,
surprise first blow to center of mass.
Gracefully dodge counterpunch.
Employ visual impairment.
(SCREAMS)
Easily duck wild swing.
Utilize Tibetan ototoxic method
to disrupt his balance.
(GROANING)
Grab facial hair.
Use for leverage.
Okinawan beard flip.
Enemy incapacitated.
Catch pipe.
Revel in crowd's adulation.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(HOLMES GRUNTS)
(CHUCKLING)
Oh, no.
(WATSON YELLS)
(GROANS)
(CROWD EXCLAIMS)
Good show, Watson.
Thank you, Holmes.
(YELLS)
(GROANS)
Break his pelvis.
(GROANS)
Go! Again!
Club him like a baby seal.
(GRUNTS)
(WATSON PANTING)
What have I done?
No, you're fine.
Okay.
Now,
tell us everything you know
about the plot to kill the Queen.
All right.
I'll tell you everything I know.
I've been stabbed in the back.
Meaning?
Oh.
Metaphorically speaking, yes.
No, I've literally
been stabbed in the back...
(CROWD EXCLAIMING)
(GASPS)
Holmes, he's escaping.
(GROANS)
(GASPING)
So Moriarty is in England.
(SIGHS) Watson.
Does it look like Moriarty
now?
(GROANS)
Who is this?
Jacob Musgrave,
as I've been saying all along.
A man who looks so much like Moriarty,
a simple beard fooled almost everyone.
(WHIMPERS) All right, I admit it.
I am no Moriarty.
My name is Musgrave,
just like he says.
Wow.
HOLMES: Who put you up to this?
Oh, they've been leaving me
notes telling me what to do.
I don't know who it is.
I swear, I'm just a simple wanker.
He's telling the truth, Watson.
This morally deficient creature,
this awful, awful excuse
for a man, this...
Bag of rubbish.
Yes, good one, Watson. Yes.
Come on, guys. I'm dying.
These are the wages of wanking, you see?
Wait, wait, wait.
What?
Just a...
Don't wank on us.
A coal.
Said you were to take it to Newcastle.
- A lump of coal?
- MUSGRAVE: Yeah.
To Newcastle?
Newcastle by the river?
HOLMES: Perhaps this clue will
lead us to the real mastermind.
Time is running out.
We must save the Queen.
Good luck to you.
(EXHALES)
(LONDON TOWN BY DUB PISTOLS PLAYS)
♪ While speeding to London town
♪ Bad man he said we gotta get down
♪ Keep smiling and forget that frown
♪ Little reason to keep that crown
♪ While speeding to London town
♪ Bad man he said we gotta get down
♪ Keep smiling
and forget that frown... ♪
HOLMES: Bring these coals to Newcastle.
Coals.
Coals. "Sherlock."
"Three days until I rewrite
history and kill the queen."
GRACE: Millicent is the
subject of my research.
HOLMES: Coals to Newcastle.
Talking to you, it's as if our
brains are sharing a tandem bicycle.
GRACE: She has the mental capacity of...
(CACKLES) HOLMES: Now you
have but three days...
Bring these coals to Newcastle.
♪ Co-detective Sherlock and me ♪
Uh... Oh.
Good morning, Sherlock.
What's happened?
Well, I'm...
I'm trying to untangle
this baffling clue.
Ah.
Ever since I met Millie,
my mind is muddled.
Do you suppose she's infected me
with some sort of a disease?
Disease?
My heart races.
My palms sweat.
I have all these feelings.
Holmes, get a hold of yourself.
You're not sick.
You're in love.
Love? Horseradish!
I'm a man of logic.
There's nothing to be ashamed of.
In fact, I, too, have been taken
by this malady called love.
Grace has asked me to call upon her.
Apparently,
I sent her quite the charming
telegram last night.
(CHUCKLING)
Watson, you've cracked it.
Have I? Co-detective?
Think, Watson.
Uh...
Is there a single logical reason
for Grace to want to seek your company?
Romantic interest?
No.
My eyes?
It's all a ruse.
Moriarty escapes to America,
and then these two
American women show up?
Sorry, you're saying
Grace is the killer?
Of course she's not the killer.
She's an American.
She would have used a gun.
Ah. Hmm.
No, Grace is working for the killer.
Oh.
We shall seduce her,
and that will lead us to the murderer.
Mmm-hmm.
Yes.
_ _ _
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Who could that be at this early hour?
(KNOCKING CONTINUES)
Enter.
WATSON: Her Majesty.
(GASPS)
Have you come to see me?
Mr. Holmes, I have
but two days left to live
unless you can solve this case.
My queen, do come in.
I shall speak with
Mr. Holmes in private.
Your Majesty.
You'll be happy to know
that, just this morning
we discovered a new clue.
This chunk of coal.
What does it mean?
It's quite a mystery.
(GIGGLES)
Is this going to be a problem?
Watson.
Perhaps the Queen would enjoy some tea.
Oh, yes, of course.
Mr. Holmes, the empire
is depending on you.
Your Majesty, I now
suspect two American women
are somehow involved in this plot.
Sorry.
Your Majesty,
do you think I could have
a picture of us together?
But who is going to take the photograph?
Oh, no, I'll take the photograph.
You see, it's a type
of a self-photograph.
I can take it, and I will be in it also.
You know what? I find, to take
the most attractive photographs,
you need to purse your lips together
like a duck-billed platypus.
Platypus face.
Chins up.
Hey.
Hey. Hey, girl.
You know, maybe over by the window.
The lighting's much better there.
Yes, yes, capital idea.
(GROANS)
(THUDDING)
Oh, God. Ma'am, ma'am.
HOLMES: Oh! Oh!
Ma'am! Your Majesty.
Oh, ma'am. Ma'am.
Oh, dear.
Tell me, Watson.
She's dead.
HOLMES: Dear God.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
We've killed the Queen.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Are you all right, Your Majesty?
(IMITATING THE QUEEN)
Yes.
- Yes, I'm all right.
- Are you sure?
(IMITATING THE QUEEN)
Yes, I'm quite fine.
My lover, John Watson,
will take good care of me.
(WHISPERS) Why did you
want that photograph?
I didn't want the photograph.
What are you talking about?
Mr. Holmes? Dr. Watson?
(IMITATING THE QUEEN)
I'm very, very safe.
(WHISPERING) She's so dead.
She's so dead.
- WATSON: I know.
- HOLMES: Okay.
We'll shove her down the toilet
as if she was never here, and
we'll deny ever seeing her.
Right. Excellent.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
HOLMES: Come on.
Come up.
Here we are.
Into the bathroom.
(THUD)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Mr. Holmes. Dr. Watson.
What was the big bang?
(GASPS)
We must buy some time.
(GASPS)
Right.
Let's get her to the door.
GUARD: Open this door!
Wait.
WATSON: (IMITATING THE QUEEN)
Hello. What do you want?
Ma'am, are you all right?
Yes, of course I'm fine.
Can't you see?
Yes, of course, ma'am.
I'm so sorry.
We've got it from here, boys. Thank you.
- We're good.
- GUARD: Yes, sir.
(DOOR LOCKS)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
The trunk.
Yes.
Yes, we'll mail her to Africa.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
WATSON: Come on, ma'am.
Sorry.
HOLMES: There we go.
Stuff her in there.
Really thrust.
(WATSON GRUNTING)
Good. Good.
Good. Good.
- Hold on, Watson.
- GUARD: Come on, boys.
Open the door!
(GRUNTING)
Mr. Holmes. Dr. Watson.
One, two, three. Watch your fingers.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
GUARD:
Open this door immediately!
This is bad.
You know what we must do.
(DOOR BANGING)
Grab your toolbox.
Let me in! I'm breaking down the door!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Bone saw.
Bone saw.
- WATSON: Oh, God.
- GUARD: Come on! Push! Come on, together!
Watson, toilet-sized chunks.
GUARD: Put your back into it!
(GUARDS GRUNT)
(DOOR OPENS)
Good God!
What have you done?
(GASPS)
Platypus lips.
(BONE SAW CLATTERS)
Can you send me a copy
of the self-photograph?
Absolutely.
It will arrive
at the palace in about a week.
Gentlemen,
you have two days to stop this killer.
Yes, ma'am.
God save the Queen.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
What a perfect day for a picnic
at London's greatest spectacle,
the Anglo-American Exhibition.
A celebration of that
special relationship
between our nation and yours.
Yes, such a special relationship
between these two nations,
although I could never live
in a country with an unelected ruler
like the Queen.
(SCOFFS) Why ever not?
In America, we have democracy.
Our president is a person
our people have all chosen.
Mmm.
An assurance that only the finest
and most qualified man will lead,
not a wealthy tyrant who
cares for nothing but himself.
But you have the electoral
college, which surely will prevent
some trumped-up charlatan
from gaining power.
Not always, unfortunately.
It would be great
to have a strong businessman.
But a showman as well.
I love a good show.
America.
(GRACE AND WATSON CHUCKLE)
We gave you your freedom, and now
look what you've done with it.
HOLMES: Remember, Watson.
(GRUNTS)
Relax them with small talk,
then begin the seduction.
I must say, she doesn't look
like she could be
an accessory to murder.
Well, looks can be deceiving.
(WHINY GRUNT)
Remember, we're here to seduce.
These physical displays of
strength will enchant them.
WATSON: Ah.
(VERDI'S LA DONNA E MOBILE PLAYS)
(PANTING)
I could use a bit of cocaine.
Did you bring a vial with you?
(BOTH GRUNTING MANIACALLY)
Very good.
(BOTH YELLING)
(GROANS)
Are you all right?
I'm... I'm exhausted.
There is one test I can employ
to prove she truly is
who she says she is.
Then do it, Holmes.
Employ your last test.
I simply must know.
(GROANS)
Help!
John?
- This man has been taken ill.
- GRACE: What?
(GROANING)
Oh!
Let me see.
If only there were a doctor present.
Clearly, he's had a severe
blow to his occipital bone.
He's concussed.
And I am a doctor.
A doctor?
A woman doctor. What times we live in.
(SIGHS)
Could it be?
Is Grace truly a doctor?
Are her feelings of affection genuine?
Then she's innocent.
Watson, get up.
We need to go see my brother.
I love you, Grace.
Oh!
WATSON: The legendary
Diogenes Men's Club.
HOLMES: Home of London's
most awkward gentlemen
and my brother. (EXCLAIMS)
(BIRD SCREECHING)
Holmes.
Mmm.
I can't believe you have a brother.
Yes, but we're nothing alike.
He's an arrogant man
who never appreciates
the people around him.
BUTLER: Follow me. Here.
MYCROFT: Well, well, well.
So you are finally seeking
your brother's help.
(SIGHS)
I must say, I'm not surprised.
And this vague assembly
of limbs and fatty tissue,
I assume, is Dr. Watson.
Mmm.
(MUFFLED, DISTORTED VOICES)
So shall I get us started?
(MEN SHUSHING)
Watson, please.
We're in the middle of a conversation.
Can't you see?
When the two most brilliant
minds in all of England
have a fraternal bond,
words are an inefficiency.
We communicate without words, silently,
from giant brain to gianter brain.
WATSON: Of course.
I'll join in as I see fit.
(CHUCKLES)
(BOTH CLEAR THROAT)
MYCROFT: I can spare a few minutes
to solve your little mystery
and help quench your thirst
for public adulation.
HOLMES:
My thirst is for logic.
I don't care what the public thinks
of London's best-loved detective,
Sherlock Holmes.
WATSON: Thoughts.
(GROANS)
(FEEDBACK SQUEALS)
Me-Me talky.
Me-Me talky.
You find killer.
Me-Me talky?
We find killer?
Watson, what are you trying to do?
Trying to brain-speak.
HOLMES: You're going to hurt yourself.
Uh, sorry.
(CHUCKLES)
Uh, perhaps the gentleman
would be more comfortable
in the companions' chamber.
Perhaps, or perhaps I'd be
comfortable here by the fire.
In the companions' chamber, sir.
Yes, fine. Of course.
Great idea.
Yeah, capital idea.
I'll be in the companions' room. Yes.
The equal companions' room,
should you need me.
It's just here.
(MONKEY SCREECHING)
(DOOR CLOSES)
BUTLER: Please enjoy the company
of your fellow companions.
I see. Huh.
Balloons are happy,
but they're not alive.
Fair enough.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
(LOCK CLICKS)
(DOORKNOB RATTLING)
HOLMES: Who is this brilliant
nemesis capable of besting me?
MYCROFT: If your nemesis
were truly smarter than you,
it could only be me.
And as I am not the killer,
one must conclude
that the killer did not,
nor could not, outwit you.
HOLMES: If the killer
is my intellectual inferior,
how has he predicted my every move?
MYCROFT: The killer
did not predict your actions.
Our murderer is a student of yours,
someone in your proximity.
Someone who could
observe you undetected.
Someone who knows you
better than anyone.
WATSON:
His mind radiates wisdom.
Sherlock Holmes has done it again!
I am dying from anticipation.
What did your brother tell you, Holmes?
I believe I've cracked the case.
It was in front of me the
whole time, my dear Watson.
Oh, do share.
(SIGHS)
And ruin the suspense?
I just thought, since I
worked the case with you...
And we're here.
(SIGHS)
HOLMES: Now,
you're all wondering why
I gathered you here today.
Prepare yourself to be astonished.
The killer could only be a man
who knew my actions at every turn.
Who was present at every murder?
Hmm?
Who knows me better than anyone?
It was you who arranged
my birthday party
and the cake which contained
the first victim,
initiating the events
leading us to today.
Dr. Watson is the killer.
(OTHERS GASPING AND MURMURING)
HOLMES:
By studying my methods,
you created a fake crime
only you could solve.
Why? I was to be so impressed
that I would crown him co-detective.
He wanted to rewrite history
by becoming my partner.
(CHUCKLES)
Okay. Now the part about
how I could never have done it
and on to the surprising real killer.
I wonder who it's going to be.
When one eliminates the impossible,
whatever remains, however improbable,
is the truth.
But this is absurd.
Holmes, you must know in your heart...
The heart is for pumping blood.
The truth is the truth!
Truth
is that I have devoted my life to you.
And I was a fool to think
you would ever consider me
as a co-detective
when you're incapable of
thinking of me even as a friend!
(STAMMERING)
Inspector Lestrade, take him.
Go on.
The man is your closest friend.
Your pursuit of Moriarty has failed.
You have no suspects.
The killer still threatens
to kill the Queen.
Is that a chance you're willing to take?
Take him.
What?
(GRUNTING)
Do you see his propensity for violence?
- Do you still doubt me?
- OFFICER: Calm down.
I shall never again carry your
blasted magnifying glasses
or your jars of urine.
Why are we even saving these?
And you look stupid in that hat.
(GASPS)
Your head was not meant for hats.
(GRUNTING)
Unhand me! No!
I'll never forget you, John.
(YELLING, SOBBING)
Why?
John Watson devoted his life to you,
and this is how you repay him?
Back to America with your
ham-dogs and hot-burgers.
GRACE:
At least, in America, our system's fair.
No citizen can be found guilty
till his case is heard by a jury
of white property-owning men.
Millie, surely, you must understand.
(GASPS)
Fine, go!
I'm the greatest detective
who ever lived.
You're welcome for solving this case.
Sherlock abandons Watson!
_ _ _
(GASPS)
(GASPS SOFTLY)
(GASPS)
A tear?
(HEARTBEAT THUMPING)
What is this tear?
(WHIMPERS)
I... I can't stop it.
(GASPING)
What is this warm feeling in my chest?
♪ Why am I reeling in confusion?
♪ What is this fever in my head?
♪ Is it pox?
♪ Maybe gout
♪ I can't seem to work it out
♪ And why
♪ Don't I feel triumphant?
♪ And why does it seem less than right
♪ That Watson's going to hang tonight
♪ And gasp and thrash
and choke until he's dead?
♪ What is this strange sensation
♪ Where did I go wrong?
♪ Why am I a sobbing, trembling mess?
♪ Soon my neck will snap in half
♪ I guess
♪ And yet I know somehow
♪ And yet right now
♪ If he could hear right now
♪ I would still forgive him
♪ More or less
♪ Please, I don't know
Upon whom else to call
♪ Nothing is making any sense at all
♪ Speak! I need your voice
To hear your voice
♪ So sweet, so pure, so wise
♪ Sometimes the irrational
♪ Is truer than the rational
♪ The heart can have its reasons
♪ Which the head knows nothing of
♪ Your brain says Watson's guilty
♪ But a stronger force says
"No, he's not"
♪ What is that force?
♪ It's... It's...
♪ Yes? What?
♪ It's love...
♪ Love?
♪ It's love
♪ It's love
♪ It's love
♪ It's love
♪ It's love
♪ It's love ♪
My God.
Did I push Watson away
because I feared losing him to Grace?
Somehow, I know in my heart...
Watson is innocent!
♪ Time to go and save
♪ Come save me now
♪ The man I love ♪
♪ The man I love ♪
HOLMES: Watson!
I discovered my emotions,
and I'm only 46.
CROWD: (CHANTING)
Hang! Hang! Hang!
(BARKING, GROWLING)
(ALL CHEERING)
(MAN LAUGHS WICKEDLY)
Oh, God.
CROWD: (CHANTING) Hang Dr. Watson!
Hang Dr. Watson!
WATSON: The dogs seem
really unnecessary.
Sherlock.
Oh.
It's you. (CHUCKLES)
You've brought cake.
Watson! My brother!
Watson, where are you?
Where...
I'm too late.
Clever.
Very, very clever.
You were always so clever,
and I never appreciated it.
But it's not too late to make amends.
Watson!
I shouldn't have wasted
all my time singing!
Ah! Grimy news kids.
I desperately need your help.
Dr. Watson's in grave danger.
Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.
Because of you, you wank!
I know.
But I know of a way to save him.
Please, please help me.
I must find a way
to the docks immediately.
WATSON: "Moriarty's daughter
"did the one thing Moriarty never could.
"She defeated Sherlock Holmes
and assassinated the Queen.
"Sherlock Holmes,
the man whom I regarded
"as the best and the wisest
man whom I would ever know
"was a fraud."
(SIGHS)
It is done. (SIGHS)
A devilish plan worthy of your father.
The last book in the Sherlock
Holmes canon is complete,
The Case of the Defeated Detective.
Daddy will be so proud.
Sherlock will be remembered
as the man who failed
to protect the Queen.
History shall be rewritten
at the hand of his
loyal partner, Dr. Watson.
I've done your bidding.
Now set me free.
You're gonna die here.
You gave me your word.
You swore on the life of the Queen.
I'm gonna kill the Queen,
you big eejit. Boys!
GIRL: Mrs. Hudson is the killer?
Mmm-hmm.
Gorblimey!
How'd you work that out?
Why, it was Watson who told me.
You see, beet sugar.
Mrs. Hudson's family recipe
and Watson's favorite.
He never would have left crumbs behind
unless he was leaving me a clue.
For, you see, Mrs. Hudson's
origins are not so humble.
She is none other than the daughter
of Professor James Moriarty.
BOY: No, it ain't possible.
You see, Mrs. Hudson
never knew her father.
He was never present.
To gain his love,
she tried to pull off
the greatest crime ever.
Destroy the great Sherlock Holmes.
She took a job at my house
in order to study my methods,
then used a network of patsies
to execute her plans.
However, it wasn't until
I understood feelings
that I understood her motive,
her need for her father's love.
She would gain it by
eliminating his greatest enemy,
me.
And tonight, she will commit
her boldest crime yet,
killing the Queen here!
The Titanic.
The marvel of London.
A new castle, which runs on coal.
MAN: Your Majesty, may I
introduce Lieutenant Morgan.
QUEEN VICTORIA:
Lieutenant.
MAN: First Officer Carter.
- Your Majesty.
- First Officer.
HOLMES:
Look, Hudson's goons.
- Create a diversion.
- You go and save Dr. Watson, Mr. Holmes.
We'll take care of this lot.
Come on, you tom tit!
You ain't bigger than a
couple of powder monkeys.
(DOOR OPENS)
Is there a problem, boys?
(CHUCKLES) Think we can
take them, lads. Aye?
Walk away now, and I
promise you won't get hurt.
A bunch of runts and a couple of ladies?
American ladies.
(HORSE NEIGHING)
(CHILDREN SHOUTING)
MAN: Not my eyes!
MRS. HUDSON:
I'm sorry to do this, Dr. Watson.
I'm gonna crush your head.
There's gonna be brains everywhere.
And I'll not be cleaning up after.
I know you're threatening me,
but I can't understand
a word you're saying.
You're staying, Dr. Watson,
but I'll be on my way to America
by the time the bomb explodes.
Sherlock will save me.
You'll see.
I'll see.
He won't let me down.
He won't.
He's my best friend!
(SOBS MOCKINGLY)
Dollface!
(WHIRRING)
(SCREAMING)
MRS. HUDSON:
Come on, boys.
The bomb goes off in 10 minutes.
Sherlock!
Sherlock!
Help! Help!
Sherlock!
Help!
(SHOUTS)
Watson!
(PANTING)
Oh, God, if you save me,
I'll never touch myself again.
Watson!
Oh, Sherlock.
You've come for me.
I knew you would.
Watson, good news.
You're innocent.
Yes. I know.
Oh.
Thank you.
Can you forgive me?
Of course.
Now, be a good chap, and get
me out of this damn thing
before it crushes my skull.
Yes? There's a good chap.
Go on.
(GRUNTS) I won't leave you.
Not again.
That's a lovely sentiment,
but I really need you
to free me from this gear right now.
Emotions are spewing from my heart.
Pull yourself together.
(SOBBING) Okay.
Stop crying.
Because we must get the Queen
and everyone else off this ship.
You see, Hudson has planted a bomb.
A time bomb, you see?
You must free me.
Do you feel my heart ticking?
Get me off this fucking wheel!
(SOBS)
All my dreams are coming true.
In just two minutes, my bomb
will go off, killing the Queen.
Sherlock Holmes will go down in history
as the worst detective
the world has ever known.
And the name Moriarty
will live on forever!
(FOGHORN BLOWS)
Father,
soon, we shall be together again.
- In America!
- MEN: Yeah!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
The bomb will detonate in one minute.
Where could it possibly be?
WATSON: Wait.
That kettle drum.
Those are only ever used
in mounted cavalry formations,
never in a Marine band.
Perhaps...
(GASPS)
The bomb is in the drum.
Very good, Watson.
But the Queen is standing
just beside it.
She'll be blown to smithereens.
But how to defuse it in time?
HOLMES: Time remaining until
bomb detonation, 55 seconds.
Estimated blast radius
from bomb, 17 feet.
Time required to move queen
to safety, 12 seconds.
Solution, move through crowd,
see Millie for the first time,
forget about bomb...
No.
Time remaining, 37 seconds.
Solution, shoot water main
to douse bomb,
remember Millie at the park,
forget about bomb.
No, I forgot about the bomb!
Watson, what are you doing in my brain?
WATSON: I'm doing it.
I'm communicating without words.
I can't focus. I was
trying to formulate a plan,
and I kept getting off track.
Holmes, no, you don't.
Snap out of it.
I can't. I'm too emotional.
Look behind me. The Queen's
being blown to bits.
You have to take control.
You must be detective for both of us.
Right.
WATSON: I know what I must do.
Estimated blast radius,
20... No, 30 feet?
Account for ship's movement.
Wait. Is that a four or a seven?
Math is so hard. Hold on.
What does that "X" mean?
Or is that a plus?
What is that thing?
Angle of approach?
Oh, I don't know how to do angles.
Should have listened more in school.
Oh, screw it. Charge!
(YELLING)
Out of my way!
Move!
(WOMEN SCREAMING)
(TICKING)
Nine, eight...
Coming through! (GRUNTS)
So sorry!
...seven...
Come on.
Move your tuchis!
(WOMAN GASPS)
Sorry, friend!
(MAN GROANING)
MRS. HUDSON: ...five,
four...
(PEOPLE GASPING)
...two...
(TICKING)
Aw, shit!
(CROWD GASPING, MURMURING)
MAN: Huzzah.
Huzzah for Sherlock Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes saved the Titanic.
(APPLAUSE)
- CROWD: Huzzah!
- WOMAN: Hurrah for Sherlock!
MAN 1: Bravo, Sherlock!
MAN 2: Sherlock Holmes
was right about everything!
CROWD: Hip hip hooray!
Thank you. Thank you.
But I could never have
done it without Dr. Watson.
Oh, no. Let Watson's name
be forever associated
with the Titanic.
So, when you think of your friends
and relatives on board the Titanic,
just remember,
Dr. John H. Watson put them there.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
MAN: Hooray for Watson!
Bloody good we didn't hang him.
QUEEN VICTORIA: Dr. Watson,
you saved us.
Thank you.
It has been my pleasure
to serve you, Your Majesty.
(APPLAUSE)
(KISSES, BLOWS)
(BLOWS)
(GUN CLICKS)
No, Millie.
I have a confession to make.
I'm not actually in love with you.
In order to conclude my investigation,
it was imperative that I
understood what love felt like.
I'm sorry to have led you on.
I have a confession as well.
I was also not in love.
I was conducting an experiment
on how easy it is
to manipulate the male ego.
What?
I'm sorry I led you on.
Well, I have another confession.
Hmm. I was just pretending
to have a big ego
so as to make you think that
your experiment was working
so that I could conclude
my experiment on you.
Well, I had to lead you on
because I was doing an
experiment about how men think
they can manipulate female scientists
while they're doing experiments.
Well, I have another confession to make.
(HOLMES GRUNTS)
(BOTH MOAN AWKWARDLY)
(PANTING)
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
(SIGHS)
You will be shocked to learn
that was my first kiss.
Mine as well, and we've
already mastered it.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Yes, indeed.
All aboard!
She sails in 20 minutes!
MAN: Hurry, everyone!
Step lively!
HOLMES: Enjoy your trip
on the safest ship to sail.
Goodbye.
Farewell, Grace.
HOLMES: Goodbye, Millie.
Make sure you get plenty of bed rest.
There's a good chance you're pregnant.
I hope so.
From...
From the kissing?
Yes.
Oh, yes.
What a grand ship.
Yes.
(GASPS) Watson, look.
It's Billy Zane.
Sherlock.
(LAUGHS)
HOLMES: Wow.
He's breathtaking.
Where's the bar on this canoe?
Holmes.
Mmm.
I believe I may have solved
the one mystery
which has baffled you all these years.
What?
(GASPS)
Would you mind?
Ah.
Do you like it?
Let's see here. Huh?
Oh, it suits you.
Mmm.
I think it's perfect.
Really?
You're not just saying that?
No, I'm not just saying it.
Good.
Thank you, Watson.
And I have something for you as well.
No. No.
Please. Step over here.
Why?
I don't deserve anything.
My dear Watson.
What do you think?
It's beautiful.
(HORSES NEIGHING)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(LIVELY CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Telegram for Professor Moriarty.
Professor?
Boy, who sent this?
♪ All aboard!
♪ Hip-hop's dead
♪ That's what they said on the news
♪ Nah, it's still alive
♪ But it's getting confused
♪ So there's no time to waste
♪ Not a second to lose
♪ 'Cause the clocks don't stop
♪ When you set 'em to snooze
♪ And it just don't stop
♪ 'Cause the time rolls
♪ On and on and on
♪ To the next stop
♪ And it just won't stop
♪ Because life goes
♪ On and on and on
♪ To the next stop
♪ What, that's how it goes
♪ When you hop on the line
♪ You'll find anything you like
♪ But you can't buy time
♪ And there ain't no pause
♪ No press rewind
♪ So you don't want to get left behind ♪
BOY: Extra! Extra!
Read all about it!
Moriarty's crime spree over!
Professor James Moriarty
faces justice today!
The Napoleon of crime on trial!
- Greatest criminal in the empire!
- That's fake news.
(GAVEL BANGS) JUDGE:
Professor James Moriarty.
You have been the organizer
of half that is evil
and all that goes undetected
in this great city.
Today, you are charged with
murder in the first degree,
but all the witnesses have died.
Without said witnesses, I have
no choice but to set you free.
(GALLERY MURMURING)
Inspector Lestrade,
you simply must take
better care of your witnesses.
(GALLERY JEERING)
Mark my words,
Sherlock Holmes is
on his way and, with him,
the evidence that will
damn you to the noose.
Then we should all pray he arrives soon,
for, on the strike of noon,
I shall have to release this menace.
Sherlock will be here.
He is about to burst through
those doors right now.
Stop this trial at once!
I, Sherlock Holmes,
have solved the case
of Professor James Moriarty.
Wonderful.
Wonderful, Holmes.
A dramatic entrance worthy
of your greatest achievement.
Watson, did you notice my emphasis
on "Professor James Moriarty"?
Yes, with the finger, yes.
Much better than the hand.
Yes.
Instead of the karate chop,
I went to the index finger.
Yes, it's the best one yet.
This is the moment everyone's
been waiting for. Right here.
Yes, and they're literally
waiting for it now.
Oh, yes.
You must get dressed.
Yes?
Very well.
There we are.
There are your things.
Remember, trial of the century. Yes.
We have but...
Oh, let's see now.
Just 16 minutes left, Holmes.
- Nearly there?
- HOLMES: Nearly there.
A sniff of morning cocaine
always helps the brain. Ah!
Come now, Sherlock.
We mustn't let that trial conclude.
For this occasion,
I have selected a new hat.
From now on, when people utter
the name "Sherlock Holmes,"
they will picture this.
Brilliant. Can we go?
Your furrowed brow
betrays your lying lips.
Oh, no.
Not to worry.
Ta-da!
Hey, there, cowboy.
(LAUGHS)
That's the one. That's the one.
Bang, bang.
We should leave, yes?
Oh!
Aye, aye.
I say, I like that one very much.
You don't want to be late, Mr. Holmes.
(GASPS) Mrs. Hudson,
what do you think of this one?
Me? I'm just a housekeeper
from the Glasgow slums.
The likes of me telling the likes
of you what to put on his noggin?
Good point.
Back to your monkey work, Hudson.
(WATSON CLEARS THROAT)
- WATSON: Perfect, right?
- HOLMES: May I show you a few more hats?
- WATSON: No!
- Someone's left a wee box.
What are you going on about?
I never even heard anyone knocking.
Did you hear anything?
How very queer.
- Queerer and queerer.
- HOLMES: Hmm.
Very odd.
(INSECT BUZZING)
Watson, no.
Holmes, why are you
getting so exercised?
It's merely an empty box.
(GASPS)
Watson, this is sent from Moriarty.
He means to kill us.
Listen.
(INSECT BUZZING)
Shut that window.
If this winged menace escapes,
it may cause a pandemic.
A killer mosquito?
The insect is infected
with African plague.
One bite means death.
Now, dance a Dutch jig.
♪ ♪
You don't have to ask me twice
to do a Dutch jig, but why?
Your body heat will attract
him to dine on your flesh.
Brilliant.
Hold! Don't move.
Where is it?
Right there.
There. Right there on your forehead.
Kill it, Holmes.
I'm going to kill it.
(BUZZING)
There it is.
Where?
Hold, hold. No, no.
Where?
(BUZZING)
(GROANS) No, hold, hold.
Is it biting?
(BOTH GRUNTING)
I hear it.
(GRUNTS)
(GROANING)
I see it.
(BUZZING)
The tip!
Don't worry, boys.
I brought a net.
(GROANS)
(BEES BUZZING)
It is now seven minutes before noon.
Upon the lowering of my gavel,
the charges shall be dismissed.
(GALLERY GASPING, MURMURING)
I shall raise my gavel in the air
that so... and then bring it down
briskly, making a satisfying bang,
at which point the prisoner
shall go free.
(GALLERY GASPS)
(BUZZING)
HOLMES: Angle of approach.
Compensate for warp in floor.
Count for resistance due to dust motes.
Probable outcome,
termination of mosquito.
(MOSQUITO SQUEAKS)
Integrity of bee habitat maintained.
Deadly bee swarm averted.
(GRUNTS)
(SQUISHES)
(BEES BUZZING)
(GASPS)
The mosquito's vanquished.
(SIGHS)
Well done, Holmes.
It's a simple matter of
geometry, entomology and physics.
(QUIET CRACKLING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Oh, my God!
Oh, shit.
Watson! Stop panicking!
We can disable the queen.
It's making them angry, Holmes!
Oh, my God.
What are they doing?
They're turning this way!
Just do anything!
Help me!
It's working!
It's not working!
Get it off!
It's not working!
(WATSON GRUNTS)
Holmes, we retreat.
Run for safety. I'll lead them away.
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING, GROANS)
(BEES BUZZING)
(HORSE NEIGHS)
(CLOCK TICKING)
(GALLERY GASPS)
(GUNSHOT)
(GALLERY GASPING)
Stop this trial!
(GALLERY MURMURING, YELLING)
May I present to you
the greatest detective of all time,
solver of the unsolvable,
untier of Gordian knots,
bester of conundrums,
the great Sherlock Holmes.
(GALLERY CHEERING)
GALLERY: (CHANTING)
Sherlock! Sherlock! Sherlock!
Sherlock! Sherlock! Sherlock!
Stop this trial at once!
(MAN GROANS)
JUDGE: Thank goodness
you've arrived, Mr. Holmes.
Now, what startling new evidence
do you have for the court?
I am the evidence.
(GALLERY GASPING, MURMURING)
Inspector Lestrade,
call the police office.
_
_ _
_ _ _
_ _ _ _
_ _ _ _ _
_
_ _
_ _ _
_
_ _
_ _ _
_
_ _
_ _ _
Now... I recall the day vividly.
I arrived at the crime scene alone.
Completely and utterly alone.
(SIGHS, SCOFFS)
I meticulously inspected every
nook and cranny of that study,
hunting for clues, much like
a panther stalks its prey.
(ROARS)
(ALL GASP)
And as I stood there,
I began to employ
a groundbreaking new technique.
Right there.
Behold! Fingerprints.
(GALLERY MURMURING)
Imagine a print
being taken from a finger.
I love it.
How do these prove Moriarty's guilt?
(SHELL CASINGS CLINKING)
Watson.
Moriarty would never leave
a trail of clues,
which begs the question,
why was this crime scene
so uncharacteristically
littered with fingerprints?
Good work, Watson.
Thank you. I just thought
of what you might have done.
I compared these prints
to those of the man standing before you.
A perfect match.
Unequivocal proof that this man
- is innocent.
- LESTRADE: What?
But if those are Moriarty's prints,
then Moriarty is the murderer.
This man is not Moriarty.
(GALLERY GASPING) MAN:
He sure looks like Moriarty.
He's an impostor.
His name is Jacob Musgrave.
A complete look-alike, a doppelganger.
A patsy framed to hang
for Moriarty's crimes,
so that I may abandon my pursuit of him
and he can begin life anew in America.
Why would an innocent man agree
to hang for Moriarty's crimes?
Elementary.
This man is terminally ill.
Look at him.
His pallid complexion.
The palsy in his left hand.
Wait. I know.
He's an onanist.
Yes, of the most enthusiastic kind.
MAN: What's an onanist?
WATSON: He...
Let's see.
He pours his own tea.
He likes to create his own sauce.
- He is a saucier.
- GALLERY: Huh?
And the name of his restaurant
is Crotch Kitchen.
On a daily basis,
he creams his own eclair.
He is Romeo and Juliet.
That should do it.
- This here.
- MAN: Oh, he's a wanker.
WATSON: Thank you.
Sorry, ladies.
(CHUCKLES)
This chap here had nothing
to lose by being executed.
He was literally dying by his own hand.
It causes death, you see.
The infallible Sherlock Holmes
has indeed spoken.
In light of his testimony, I order
the release of the suspect.
What? This is an outrage!
Do not let this murderer free.
Bang, bang, bang!
Court is adjourned.
Sherlock Holmes has done it again!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Why are you cheering?
Sherlock!
GALLERY: (CHANTING)
Sherlock! Sherlock! Sherlock!
WATSON: That couldn't have gone better.
HOLMES: It couldn't have.
And I tell you, that case was rather...
It took us three years to catch him.
If we release him now,
we may never find him again.
Put aside your ego and admit I am right.
I am afraid Moriarty's
long gone to America.
Whatever crimes Moriarty
commits from now on
are on your head.
WATSON: I quite like
seeing Lestrade upset.
(LAUGHS) Yeah. I do, too.
(HORSE NEIGHS)
(VIOLIN PLAYING)
WATSON: Professor James
Moriarty fled to the Americas
and would never darken England again.
(VIOLIN PLAYING OFF-KEY)
(HOLMES GROANS)
(GRUNTING)
_
_ _
Holmes.
Are you upset?
It's just that Moriarty
was the whetstone
upon which I sharpened my mental blade.
With him gone, not there
to challenge me, why go on?
Instead, I shall occupy
my great, great mind
with nutritional science.
My research suggests
that the sulfurous compounds
of the common onion
can increase your red blood cells.
Vital for human health.
(GRUNTING)
Just bite it like an apple, eh?
Mmm-hmm.
(HOLMES EXCLAIMING)
(GASPING)
(COUGHING, CHOKING)
Definitely takes four or five bites.
(GRUNTING)
Are we meant to eat the whole thing?
The whole thing.
Let the juice slither
down the back of your throat.
(GAGGING)
(COUGHING)
Congratulations, Holmes.
You're not only
the smartest man in London,
you shall soon be the healthiest.
Indeed.
Now, where's my opium?
Um...
(GROANS)
Mrs. Hudson!
Hudson!
Hudson!
Help!
Hudson, Watson has stuck
a carrot up my bum!
Hudson, help!
Fire! Fire!
Call the police!
Hudson, your mother has died!
You brain-dead bag of bones!
Hudson!
Hudson!
Hudson!
Hudson, where are you?
Uh...
(SCOFFS)
HOLMES: Did you not hear any of that?
We screamed "fire."
Where?
And we were screaming your name.
You were just there in my bedroom?
(ZIPPER CLOSES)
Oh.
(SCOFFS)
_ _ _
Shut up.
Come on.
No wonder my room always
smells like fish pie and swamp.
(DOOR CLOSES)
This came for you.
Hmm.
Sealed by hands unused to manual labor.
WATSON: Hmm.
Hmm.
Saliva from a protein-rich
diet of chicken kidneys.
Why, Watson, it's from the Queen.
(EXCLAIMS)
Huh.
Seems Her Majesty requests my services.
A crime that has baffled
even her closest advisors,
and only my singular intellect
can solve it.
Well, well, well,
look who's back in the game.
HOLMES: Watson, are you all right?
WATSON: I'm just very nervous.
I've not met the Queen before.
Deep breath.
Your Majesty,
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson.
(WATSON BREATHING HEAVILY)
My God, it's really her.
Shh.
Watson.
Say something.
I love you.
I know I am duty-bound to serve you, but
let me just say, on a personal note,
- I really like you.
- HOLMES: Stop touching her.
Just as a fan.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Please, sir.
Don't touch the Queen.
Oh!
Quite right.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Sorry, Your Majesty.
You look a lot smaller in person.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Just stop. Just stop.
Sorry. It's true.
Just stop talking.
Yes.
Stop talking.
I'm crazy about your look.
What did I say?
Am I still talking out loud?
You are. You are.
It's just the Queen.
(EXHALES) Yes.
(WATSON SNORTS)
- Okay?
- WATSON: Okay.
HOLMES: Your Majesty,
how may we be of service to the realm?
Mr. Holmes, pray follow us.
There is danger about.
(EXHALES)
What a looker, right?
She is stunning in person.
(EXHALES)
Fear not, Your Majesty,
Sherlock will allow no harm to
come to you, and neither will I.
Five, four, three,
two, one.
ALL: Surprise!
(APPLAUSE)
Thank you.
Thank you.
Had I been a non-genius
such as yourselves,
there's a 72% chance
I would have been surprised.
Oh! 72%.
(APPLAUSE)
Happy birthday, Sherlock Holmes.
We wish you well and thank
you for your many years...
Your many years of public service.
(CORK POPS)
(CHUCKLING)
So, Holmes.
Yes.
When did you know?
Tuesday.
Really?
You were seven minutes late coming home.
(SNIFFING) Stopped at the stationer's,
confirmed by the scent of paper mulch.
(SIGHS) You have the nose
of a bloodhound.
Your mustache betrayed
a dusting of crumbs.
Evidence of cake sampling.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Guilty.
And you purchased a case
of pre-phylloxera champagne.
You lack the self-esteem to buy
yourself such an extravagant bottle.
It's true. (CHUCKLES)
I don't deserve nice things.
(SINGERS HARMONIZING)
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow
♪ And so say all of us ♪
(LAUGHS) Bravo.
(APPLAUSE)
Thank you.
That was delightful.
Oh, a layer cake.
WATSON: It's shaped
like a magnifying glass.
Yes!
(HOLMES GRUNTING)
The second layer is rather thick.
(GRUNTING)
There must be a few nuts
in there. Uh, if I may.
Would you mind?
Here. Yes, of course.
(WATSON GRUNTS)
(SQUISHING)
Do you see what I'm talking about?
Yes.
Yes.
Ah. Raspberry jam.
Mmm. My weakness.
I know what I need.
MAN: What the...
He's getting an ax!
Brilliant.
Charge!
(SHOUTING)
(CROWD GASPING)
Oh!
LESTRADE: Stand back.
Back, everyone, I say.
A murder in Buckingham Palace.
Look, a note. There.
Right under your nose.
"A birthday present for you, Sherlock.
"A crime to challenge your wits.
"Stop me in four days' time,
"or I will destroy London's
greatest marvel and kill the Queen,
"and I will rewrite history."
Signed "Professor James Moriarty."
HOLMES: Hmm.
This is Jimmy Gruber,
the witness who disappeared,
whose testimony prompted
Moriarty's arrest
and whom Moriarty swore to kill.
And your conclusion?
That Moriarty has killed
again, as I predicted.
Ah. The most obvious conclusion.
(HOLMES AND WATSON SCOFFING)
No, this is definitely the work
of someone who is going
to extraordinary lengths
to make it appear as if
Moriarty committed these crimes.
- Sherlock Holmes.
- HOLMES: The Queen.
We charge you with the task
of stopping this criminal
before he can do us harm.
Solve this case on behalf
of your queen and country.
- I will.
- We will.
But, Your Majesty...
Sherlock Holmes has never failed us.
The bold ingenuity of this crime
calls me back to the profession
of detecting like a siren song.
I won't let anyone hurt you.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Watson. To the morgue.
Lestrade, clean this mess up now.
The game is a-starting.
Yeah.
HOLMES: Who is this copycat
pretending to be Moriarty?
Finally, a problem worthy of my brain.
This birthday cake is delicious.
Did you get a chance to try it?
No, there was a corpse in it.
Oh.
(CLINKING)
(COUGHS)
Watson?
Oh.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh.
Finders keepers.
Yeah.
Are you sure you wouldn't
rather wait out here?
The last time you were
in the morgue, you...
Watson, I am a man
of stout constitution.
Yes, of course. I just
thought, after the last time,
with the...
And the...
(SIGHS)
Merely a bout of stomach influenza.
Yes, but the time before that?
Bad clams.
And before that?
I shook hands with a prostitute.
Yes.
No, no.
Put that away.
I'm not some vaporous,
giggling, fainting maiden who...
Oh, ye of little...
(RETCHING)
It's nothing to be ashamed of.
(REPRESSED RETCHING)
I think I'm starting to feel a bit...
(EXHALES)
I wouldn't...
Are you...
No, no, I'm fine. I'm fine.
'Cause if you start to feel
sick, then I'll start to feel...
(RETCHING)
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
Surely, I must be done.
Yes.
Next to impossible to still...
(REPRESSED RETCHING)
There you are.
All done.
Yes, there.
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
Would you like some water?
Did you say water...
(RETCHES)
Sorry. I'm sorry.
Shall we begin the autopsy?
Oh, thank goodness
these cleaning women are here
to clean up this dreadful mess.
Someone's made sick.
Oh.
My dear Watson, these women
are far too well-dressed
to be cleaning women.
They're here to identify their
well-to-do husbands' bodies.
Sorry for your loss.
Thank you, but I am the doctor.
Look, Watson, grief has
scrambled her brain.
Mmm.
She thinks she's a doctor.
Fortunately, Miss,
there's a real doctor here
who may help you.
Would you like some heroin?
Dr. Watson, I presume.
And you must be Sherlock Holmes.
Dr. Grace Hart of Boston.
A woman doctor?
- What times we live in.
- GRACE: (CHUCKLES) Yes.
In America, we're much more progressive.
I now make 30 cents for
every dollar a man earns.
What does "doctor" mean in America?
It means "doctor."
You're Dr. G. Hart?
Of Boston?
Yes.
Holmes, we're in the
presence of a pioneer.
Dr. Hart's work with the use
of electroshock therapy
to cure female hysteria
is groundbreaking.
Yes, I proved the higher the voltage,
the more demons are released.
Well, of course.
Some of my patients live
as long as a week.
"Doctor"?
Spelled D-O-C-T-O-R?
Yes.
(EXHALES)
This is my aide, Millicent.
She's very shy, but a
wonderful traveling companion.
Shall we proceed to the examination?
(CHUCKLES)
Please.
Our cadaver awaits.
(REPRESSED RETCHING)
No, no, no.
Here.
Mr. Holmes, you look rather unwell.
Perhaps you would rather stay
here and keep Millicent company.
Sherlock Holmes.
Charmed to meet...
(REPRESSED RETCHING)
To meet you.
GRACE: Millicent is the
subject of my research.
She was raised by feral cats.
She has the mental capacity
of a four-year-old,
but it is my belief that, with
sufficient electroshock therapy,
she can achieve the
intellect of a six-year-old.
(SIGHS) We are truly in
the golden age of medicine.
(CHUCKLES) There's
nothing left to learn.
No.
HOLMES:
What a creature you are.
(CHUCKLES)
(ONION CRUNCHING)
You're devouring that onion
with such passion.
It's strangely arousing.
Dr. Watson,
I have always been taken
by your unwavering devotion
to Mr. Holmes,
but haven't you ever
considered something more?
Perhaps a co-detective?
He and I?
Co-detectives?
Yes.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, the very idea!
Uh...
Solving crimes together?
Laughing and enjoying
the esprit de corps
of two best friends
pursuing a noble cause!
Madness. No, dear.
No. No, not I.
Not here.
Not even in my most rapturous
moments of private fantasy.
(SIGHS)
Anyway, let's go clean this
cake-covered bastard, shall we?
WATSON: The wonders
of modern medicine.
Now, you're going to laugh,
but I found the most important
tool of an autopsy is...
Music.
Yes.
You, too?
(CHUCKLES)
MAN:
♪ Oh, my love ♪
This one always gets me in the mood.
So begins the dance.
(CHUCKLES) You have some dribble. Hmm?
Just a touch of dribble right...
(SNAPS)
(GASPS)
♪ And time goes by... ♪
There is something so sensual about
forensic autopsy, isn't there?
You are a delight.
Your eyes say more
than words ever could.
(DOOR OPENS)
(CHUCKLES, SNIFFING)
Hmm.
(DOOR CLOSES)
The tincture of ammonia and scrotum.
Hello, Inspector Lestrade.
We have combed the manifests
of every ship to set sail
for the Americas
and found not a single Moriarty.
Moriarty's too cunning
to use his own name.
He's sailing under an alias.
(BLADES CLINK) WATSON:
(PANTING) Ah, here we are.
So, after a thorough...
Very thorough.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Stop.
(CHUCKLES) No, you stop.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Examination of the body...
And I must say, Dr. Hart made some
beautiful lateral incisions there.
No, watching you flay the skin
from his face so gently!
I would flay 1,000 faces for you.
And the way...
Just tell me what you found!
(CLEARS THROAT) Yes.
Cause of death indeterminate.
LESTRADE:
Indeterminate?
What do you mean?
It means he doesn't know.
- Proceed, Watson.
- WATSON: Yes.
We found a freshly applied
tattoo of a cross
and the numbers one and 20.
I have the oddest feeling.
It's like knowing, but the opposite.
Meaning you haven't a clue.
Who is this genius pretender
who's taken Moriarty's place,
committing crimes exactly
the way he would? (SIGHS)
HOLMES: A fantastic new case.
I'm aroused
both mentally and physically.
I was wondering, rather than
working beside you on this case,
I might work with you as a sort of...
Grace called it a "co-detective."
One cannot simply just
make someone a detective.
It must be earned.
Well, I deduced you might say that,
which is why, when we arrive home,
I propose a game of chess.
If I should best you,
then surely I possess
the mental power...
Checkmate! Checkmate.
What?
We haven't started yet.
You would have opened
with the Queen's Gambit.
Oh, indeed.
A reliable first move.
I would have countered
with a Slav Defense.
Oh! An audacious move.
Quite unexpected.
You would have panicked,
thus exposing your queen.
No, not my queen!
Seeing your queen exposed
would have compelled you to defend her.
Indeed. It is my duty
in chess as in life.
Thereby neglecting my castle.
(GASPS)
Checkmate.
Perhaps another game?
Rock-paper-scissors.
Rock, rock, paper, paper,
scissors, paper,
rock, scissors, paper, rock.
(GASPS)
Dash it all!
What about Battleship?
HOLMES:
D-3, E-3, F-3, and G-3.
WATSON:
Damn it, you've sunk my battleship.
HOLMES: You're a good man, Watson,
but you're not ready.
But why?
If you were ready, you'd know why.
WATSON: Let the game begin.
A piece for a piece.
Two can play at that game.
(GRUNTS SOFTLY)
Mmm.
(GRUNTS)
Peekaboo.
(SNAPPING)
Ah. Checkmate.
And to the victor, the spoils.
(GIGGLES)
(SIGHS)
(IN GRACE'S VOICE)
You'll never be co-detective.
(SCREAMS, GASPING)
(HORSE NEIGHING)
(CUP CLINKING)
Watson, I'm near a breakthrough.
My hypothesis is the true cause of death
is ink poisoning via the fresh tattoo.
But I need your help.
You want me to be co-detective?
(LAUGHS) Mmm-mmm.
I'm awfully sorry, Dr. Watson.
Sorry for what?
Mr. Holmes left me no choice.
May you rest in peace.
What's she on about?
All will be clear in three, two, one.
(GASPS)
Excuse me. (COUGHS)
I'll take that.
(CHOKING) It's just something
caught in my throat.
Oh, no.
I poisoned you.
(HOARSELY) Why?
To test my theory.
(WHEEZING)
Am I going to die?
No, I have an antidote.
Oh. But I need to see it play out.
Now, let's see here.
(WHEEZING) Redness around the mouth.
Good.
(GASPING) Help me.
You will have temporary brain damage.
Wake up, Watson. Wake up.
(SQUEALS)
We have work to do.
Watson.
Who's Watson?
I'll kill him!
You son of a bitch!
(YELLS)
Violent aggression.
Oh, please give me the antidote.
Drama queen syndrome.
Why am I doing this?
Confused mime.
Oh! Does this suit make me look fat?
Body image dysmorphia.
(SCREAMS) My eyes!
Sensitivity to light.
My eyes! It burns!
(SCREAMING)
Excruciating abdominal pain.
(GROANING)
Yes, it's confirmed.
It was poison.
Come, Watson.
Let us not be late.
(GROANING)
Oh! Of course.
Lactation.
(GROANING)
Why?
Come along, Watson.
I'll explain in the cab.
(COUGHS)
There we go.
Oh, thank God for this antidote.
I feel as though I've
completely recovered. (SIGHS)
Yes, you have.
(WATSON SIGHS)
There.
So where are we going?
The fact that the victim was poisoned
suggests the killer lacked
physical strength to overpower him.
The tattoos you examined
have an uneven quality.
It leads me to believe that they
were drawn by a one-armed man.
A one-armed man.
Yes.
A weak man who would use poison.
There is only one one-armed
tattoo artist in all of London.
The nefarious Gustav Klinger.
Dorset Street! And
don't spare the horses!
(WHIP CRACKS)
Dorset Street.
Home of drunkards, thieves,
and hairy, old whores.
HOLMES: And, if my theory
is correct, the killer.
(WATSON LAUGHS)
WOMAN: Hello, gorgeous.
Though all is calm now,
we must be on highest alert.
(CARRIAGE DRIVER GROANS)
Shall we ask someone if they've
seen our one-armed Mr. Klinger?
This neighborhood does not
welcome curious outsiders.
Excuse me.
Have you the time?
Not for you, outsider.
(YELLS IN PAIN)
Merciful God.
HOLMES: We must blend in.
Fortunately, my time tripping the boards
has made me a master of disguise.
Yes.
WATSON: You.
What have you done with Sherlock?
Why, Watson,
I never left.
(GASPS)
Amazing.
Yes, I know.
Yes, you've outdone yourself this time.
Now...
Huh?
No.
Still me.
It's you?
It's still Sherlock.
All right.
Rest assured.
It's very convincing.
Now for your disguise.
Oh, what will it be?
(HOLMES LAUGHS)
Yes. You, my friend,
shall play a down-on-your-luck
horseshit salesman.
Oh.
Yes.
Yes. Yes.
Come, Watson. We have a
one-armed killer to catch.
Get into character.
- WATSON: Horseshit for sale!
- HOLMES: There you go.
- WATSON: Who will buy my horse's shit?
- MAN: I'll take some.
No one must know our true purpose. Mmm.
What you toffs want?
To buy a pint for any man
who can raise two hands.
(MEN CHEERING)
Every man has both arms.
Klinger isn't here.
Our journey continues.
Blend in like a common oaf. Yes.
(LIVELY CHATTER, LAUGHTER)
HOLMES: Keep drinking.
We need to fit in.
Cheers.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Cheers!
More, more, more!
(LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING)
(ALL CHEERING)
Oi! Oi! Oi!
(RHYTHMIC TAPPING)
(BOTH BARKING)
(HOWLS)
They have boxing here.
(EXCLAIMS)
WATSON: I don't care if he's small!
- WATSON: Kill!
- WOMAN: Come on, fight!
Shouldn't we be looking for Klinger?
Who cares about Klinger?
Exactly!
(GROANS, SCREAMS)
(SCREAMS)
Release the child!
Let go of that boy!
I want him dead!
WATSON: Sweet river of piss.
(BOTH SIGH)
You have real force there.
Arc of stream.
Direction of wind.
Compensate for shy penis.
Avoid splash on shoes.
(GRUNTS)
And release fluids.
Oh, my goodness.
Damn it, I forgot to unzip my pants.
You really are a genius.
Oh, watch it.
Oh, sorry.
WATSON: I should like
to send a telegram.
Grace. Stop.
Are you awake? Stop.
(HOLMES CHUCKLING)
Uh, you're such a pretty doctor lady.
Ooh!
(WATSON CHUCKLES)
Are you quite sure this is a good idea?
(SLURRING)
This is wonderful.
The combination of the late
hour and your drunkenness
allows for communication
of exceptional honesty.
Quite right.
I will call it an intoxigram.
And no one shall ever
regret sending one.
Now, lay bare the fruits
of your inebriation.
Ask her what she's wearing.
What are you wearing?
Stop.
Bloomers?
A brassiere?
(CHUCKLES)
I'd wager you'd look good in anything.
Wonderful.
Stop.
Shall I ask what Millie
thinks about you?
Um...
(SIGHS) I don't care.
Sure. Why not?
What does Millie think of Sherlock?
Does Millie ever drip wax over her body?
Hot wax. Stop.
- Okay. That's enough.
- WATSON: Yeah, I think so.
_ _ _
Now show her how she
makes you feel. Huh?
Just go ahead.
Display it.
(UNZIPS PANTS)
There.
(THUD ON TABLE)
_ _ _
Telegraph a picture of this.
And make sure you get
the banger and the beans.
Focus on the mushroom.
Are you positive I shan't
regret this in the morning?
(CHUCKLES)
You absolutely will.
Silence, you!
Say it again.
Say it again. I dare you. Oh!
Please say it.
Please say it again.
Do you think you would be
the first man I've killed?
I have the penis of a baby doll.
It's just a statement of fact.
(ROOSTER CROWS)
(HOLMES AND WATSON CHUCKLING)
Oh, well, Watson,
after a night of drinking,
I could eat a whole pie.
WATSON: Oh, no, it's
cakes for me, my friend.
Ah! Cakes, indeed!
Yes. Yes, cakes stacked on cakes.
We should open a restaurant called
the International House of
Cakes Stacked Upon Other Cakes.
(CHUCKLING) Yes, and you can only
eat there after a night of drinking.
Well, speaking of the night,
I fear it's a night wasted.
No sign of Klinger anywhere. Mmm.
Not so fast, Watson.
Look at those two men and their tattoos.
I don't understand.
We haven't been able
to find the tattoo artist.
Perhaps we should follow the tattoos.
(GRUNTING, INDISTINCT CHATTER)
WATSON: A gymnasium?
You really think Klinger
would be here, Holmes?
Look alive, Watson.
He could be anywhere.
TRAINER: Three, two, one.
Pick it up. Pick it up.
That's it.
INSTRUCTOR: Out with the
bad air, in with the good.
WATSON: Look at these health nuts.
(MEN COUGHING)
INSTRUCTOR: Big deep breath.
WATSON: Obsessed with the
purifying effects of smoke.
INSTRUCTOR: All right, good
lungful of the cleansing vapors.
(EXHALES) I don't think
he's here, Holmes.
(DOOR OPENS)
MAN: Hello, hello, hello!
Sherlock Holmes.
HOLMES: Ah.
You must be Gustav Klinger,
the one-armed tattoo
artist of Dorset Street.
Looks like it.
(WHIRRING)
Gustav Klinger, I accuse you
of poisoning Jimmy Gruber
and baking him into a large cake.
A deliciously large cake
that I baked myself.
Oh, please.
How dare you!
You did not bake that cake.
Not only did I bake it.
I decorated it, too.
Impossible.
It's got a frosting attachment.
You're trying to tell me
that a one-armed man made a
professional, bakery-quality cake
fit for the Queen.
Watson.
It's just... It...
It doesn't matter
if he baked the cake or not.
It really bugs... I know.
- It really...
- WATSON: Best cake I've ever eaten.
I did bake the cake.
All right, fine.
You "baked the cake."
I didn't "bake a cake."
I baked a cake.
Then you admit it.
You killed Jimmy Gruber.
KLINGER: And what if I did, Mr. Holmes?
It's not as if you're in a
position to do anything about it.
He's right, Sherlock Holmes.
You've walked straight into our trap.
(CROWD EXCLAIMING)
Moriarty.
Quiet, Watson.
In the name of the queen,
I arrest you both.
(CHUCKLING)
Oh, come, Sherlock.
You don't think it'll be that easy.
You won't be leaving
here alive, Mr. Holmes,
unless, of course, you fight
your way out of the Hexagon.
(CROWD MURMURING)
Where are you pointing?
There.
This way or that way?
There.
- HOLMES: Oh.
- KLINGER: The Hexagon.
But I won't fight a one-armed man.
Oh, no. I've got this,
Sherlock. (SNIFFS)
It won't be the first time I've
fought a cripple. (CHUCKLES)
Oh, uh...
You won't be fighting me.
Nah, nah, nah.
You're fighting my mate.
Meet Brawn.
(STRAINS)
(THUDS)
Oh, come on.
(MORIARTY LAUGHS MENACINGLY)
Well, I call bullshit.
(BELL DINGING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
I fear it might be suicide
to fight this man.
I think it's mostly psychological.
(ROARING)
(CROWD EXCLAIMS)
I'm psychologically
scared shitless right now.
CROWD: (CHANTING)
Fight! Fight! Fight!
(ROARING)
Okay. Okay.
But if you want to watch
this fight, you have to pay.
You have to pay to view it.
(CROWD GROANING)
This is a pay-to-view-it fight.
WATSON: Yes, I know
it seems a bit unfair,
but if you split it among a few friends
and buy some beers, some pizza,
it could be a fun thing to do
with the guys.
It's time!
Let's get ready to scuffle!
(ALL CHEERING)
(BELL DINGING)
CROWD: (CHANTING)
Scuffle! Scuffle! Scuffle!
MAN: Nice!
HOLMES:
What is she doing here?
It's 6:00 in the morning.
Holmes, I don't know why...
Yes... but that really jacked me up.
Ah! I think I might stand a chance.
It reminds me of Istanbul.
Exactly. And what
did I beat in Istanbul?
Syphilis!
Syphilis! Exactly.
Go get him.
All right.
Come on!
"Come on"?
You come on!
You!
You mountain of flesh.
(SHOUTING)
(SCREAMING)
(ROARING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
Your turn, Mr. Holmes!
Yes, I know.
Of course I'm next.
HOLMES:
Opponent, 350 pounds.
Use pipe.
Create diversion to distract his gaze.
Plan of attack,
surprise first blow to center of mass.
Gracefully dodge counterpunch.
Employ visual impairment.
(SCREAMS)
Easily duck wild swing.
Utilize Tibetan ototoxic method
to disrupt his balance.
(GROANING)
Grab facial hair.
Use for leverage.
Okinawan beard flip.
Enemy incapacitated.
Catch pipe.
Revel in crowd's adulation.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(HOLMES GRUNTS)
(CHUCKLING)
Oh, no.
(WATSON YELLS)
(GROANS)
(CROWD EXCLAIMS)
Good show, Watson.
Thank you, Holmes.
(YELLS)
(GROANS)
Break his pelvis.
(GROANS)
Go! Again!
Club him like a baby seal.
(GRUNTS)
(WATSON PANTING)
What have I done?
No, you're fine.
Okay.
Now,
tell us everything you know
about the plot to kill the Queen.
All right.
I'll tell you everything I know.
I've been stabbed in the back.
Meaning?
Oh.
Metaphorically speaking, yes.
No, I've literally
been stabbed in the back...
(CROWD EXCLAIMING)
(GASPS)
Holmes, he's escaping.
(GROANS)
(GASPING)
So Moriarty is in England.
(SIGHS) Watson.
Does it look like Moriarty
now?
(GROANS)
Who is this?
Jacob Musgrave,
as I've been saying all along.
A man who looks so much like Moriarty,
a simple beard fooled almost everyone.
(WHIMPERS) All right, I admit it.
I am no Moriarty.
My name is Musgrave,
just like he says.
Wow.
HOLMES: Who put you up to this?
Oh, they've been leaving me
notes telling me what to do.
I don't know who it is.
I swear, I'm just a simple wanker.
He's telling the truth, Watson.
This morally deficient creature,
this awful, awful excuse
for a man, this...
Bag of rubbish.
Yes, good one, Watson. Yes.
Come on, guys. I'm dying.
These are the wages of wanking, you see?
Wait, wait, wait.
What?
Just a...
Don't wank on us.
A coal.
Said you were to take it to Newcastle.
- A lump of coal?
- MUSGRAVE: Yeah.
To Newcastle?
Newcastle by the river?
HOLMES: Perhaps this clue will
lead us to the real mastermind.
Time is running out.
We must save the Queen.
Good luck to you.
(EXHALES)
(LONDON TOWN BY DUB PISTOLS PLAYS)
♪ While speeding to London town
♪ Bad man he said we gotta get down
♪ Keep smiling and forget that frown
♪ Little reason to keep that crown
♪ While speeding to London town
♪ Bad man he said we gotta get down
♪ Keep smiling
and forget that frown... ♪
HOLMES: Bring these coals to Newcastle.
Coals.
Coals. "Sherlock."
"Three days until I rewrite
history and kill the queen."
GRACE: Millicent is the
subject of my research.
HOLMES: Coals to Newcastle.
Talking to you, it's as if our
brains are sharing a tandem bicycle.
GRACE: She has the mental capacity of...
(CACKLES) HOLMES: Now you
have but three days...
Bring these coals to Newcastle.
♪ Co-detective Sherlock and me ♪
Uh... Oh.
Good morning, Sherlock.
What's happened?
Well, I'm...
I'm trying to untangle
this baffling clue.
Ah.
Ever since I met Millie,
my mind is muddled.
Do you suppose she's infected me
with some sort of a disease?
Disease?
My heart races.
My palms sweat.
I have all these feelings.
Holmes, get a hold of yourself.
You're not sick.
You're in love.
Love? Horseradish!
I'm a man of logic.
There's nothing to be ashamed of.
In fact, I, too, have been taken
by this malady called love.
Grace has asked me to call upon her.
Apparently,
I sent her quite the charming
telegram last night.
(CHUCKLING)
Watson, you've cracked it.
Have I? Co-detective?
Think, Watson.
Uh...
Is there a single logical reason
for Grace to want to seek your company?
Romantic interest?
No.
My eyes?
It's all a ruse.
Moriarty escapes to America,
and then these two
American women show up?
Sorry, you're saying
Grace is the killer?
Of course she's not the killer.
She's an American.
She would have used a gun.
Ah. Hmm.
No, Grace is working for the killer.
Oh.
We shall seduce her,
and that will lead us to the murderer.
Mmm-hmm.
Yes.
_ _ _
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Who could that be at this early hour?
(KNOCKING CONTINUES)
Enter.
WATSON: Her Majesty.
(GASPS)
Have you come to see me?
Mr. Holmes, I have
but two days left to live
unless you can solve this case.
My queen, do come in.
I shall speak with
Mr. Holmes in private.
Your Majesty.
You'll be happy to know
that, just this morning
we discovered a new clue.
This chunk of coal.
What does it mean?
It's quite a mystery.
(GIGGLES)
Is this going to be a problem?
Watson.
Perhaps the Queen would enjoy some tea.
Oh, yes, of course.
Mr. Holmes, the empire
is depending on you.
Your Majesty, I now
suspect two American women
are somehow involved in this plot.
Sorry.
Your Majesty,
do you think I could have
a picture of us together?
But who is going to take the photograph?
Oh, no, I'll take the photograph.
You see, it's a type
of a self-photograph.
I can take it, and I will be in it also.
You know what? I find, to take
the most attractive photographs,
you need to purse your lips together
like a duck-billed platypus.
Platypus face.
Chins up.
Hey.
Hey. Hey, girl.
You know, maybe over by the window.
The lighting's much better there.
Yes, yes, capital idea.
(GROANS)
(THUDDING)
Oh, God. Ma'am, ma'am.
HOLMES: Oh! Oh!
Ma'am! Your Majesty.
Oh, ma'am. Ma'am.
Oh, dear.
Tell me, Watson.
She's dead.
HOLMES: Dear God.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
We've killed the Queen.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Are you all right, Your Majesty?
(IMITATING THE QUEEN)
Yes.
- Yes, I'm all right.
- Are you sure?
(IMITATING THE QUEEN)
Yes, I'm quite fine.
My lover, John Watson,
will take good care of me.
(WHISPERS) Why did you
want that photograph?
I didn't want the photograph.
What are you talking about?
Mr. Holmes? Dr. Watson?
(IMITATING THE QUEEN)
I'm very, very safe.
(WHISPERING) She's so dead.
She's so dead.
- WATSON: I know.
- HOLMES: Okay.
We'll shove her down the toilet
as if she was never here, and
we'll deny ever seeing her.
Right. Excellent.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
HOLMES: Come on.
Come up.
Here we are.
Into the bathroom.
(THUD)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Mr. Holmes. Dr. Watson.
What was the big bang?
(GASPS)
We must buy some time.
(GASPS)
Right.
Let's get her to the door.
GUARD: Open this door!
Wait.
WATSON: (IMITATING THE QUEEN)
Hello. What do you want?
Ma'am, are you all right?
Yes, of course I'm fine.
Can't you see?
Yes, of course, ma'am.
I'm so sorry.
We've got it from here, boys. Thank you.
- We're good.
- GUARD: Yes, sir.
(DOOR LOCKS)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
The trunk.
Yes.
Yes, we'll mail her to Africa.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
WATSON: Come on, ma'am.
Sorry.
HOLMES: There we go.
Stuff her in there.
Really thrust.
(WATSON GRUNTING)
Good. Good.
Good. Good.
- Hold on, Watson.
- GUARD: Come on, boys.
Open the door!
(GRUNTING)
Mr. Holmes. Dr. Watson.
One, two, three. Watch your fingers.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
GUARD:
Open this door immediately!
This is bad.
You know what we must do.
(DOOR BANGING)
Grab your toolbox.
Let me in! I'm breaking down the door!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Bone saw.
Bone saw.
- WATSON: Oh, God.
- GUARD: Come on! Push! Come on, together!
Watson, toilet-sized chunks.
GUARD: Put your back into it!
(GUARDS GRUNT)
(DOOR OPENS)
Good God!
What have you done?
(GASPS)
Platypus lips.
(BONE SAW CLATTERS)
Can you send me a copy
of the self-photograph?
Absolutely.
It will arrive
at the palace in about a week.
Gentlemen,
you have two days to stop this killer.
Yes, ma'am.
God save the Queen.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
What a perfect day for a picnic
at London's greatest spectacle,
the Anglo-American Exhibition.
A celebration of that
special relationship
between our nation and yours.
Yes, such a special relationship
between these two nations,
although I could never live
in a country with an unelected ruler
like the Queen.
(SCOFFS) Why ever not?
In America, we have democracy.
Our president is a person
our people have all chosen.
Mmm.
An assurance that only the finest
and most qualified man will lead,
not a wealthy tyrant who
cares for nothing but himself.
But you have the electoral
college, which surely will prevent
some trumped-up charlatan
from gaining power.
Not always, unfortunately.
It would be great
to have a strong businessman.
But a showman as well.
I love a good show.
America.
(GRACE AND WATSON CHUCKLE)
We gave you your freedom, and now
look what you've done with it.
HOLMES: Remember, Watson.
(GRUNTS)
Relax them with small talk,
then begin the seduction.
I must say, she doesn't look
like she could be
an accessory to murder.
Well, looks can be deceiving.
(WHINY GRUNT)
Remember, we're here to seduce.
These physical displays of
strength will enchant them.
WATSON: Ah.
(VERDI'S LA DONNA E MOBILE PLAYS)
(PANTING)
I could use a bit of cocaine.
Did you bring a vial with you?
(BOTH GRUNTING MANIACALLY)
Very good.
(BOTH YELLING)
(GROANS)
Are you all right?
I'm... I'm exhausted.
There is one test I can employ
to prove she truly is
who she says she is.
Then do it, Holmes.
Employ your last test.
I simply must know.
(GROANS)
Help!
John?
- This man has been taken ill.
- GRACE: What?
(GROANING)
Oh!
Let me see.
If only there were a doctor present.
Clearly, he's had a severe
blow to his occipital bone.
He's concussed.
And I am a doctor.
A doctor?
A woman doctor. What times we live in.
(SIGHS)
Could it be?
Is Grace truly a doctor?
Are her feelings of affection genuine?
Then she's innocent.
Watson, get up.
We need to go see my brother.
I love you, Grace.
Oh!
WATSON: The legendary
Diogenes Men's Club.
HOLMES: Home of London's
most awkward gentlemen
and my brother. (EXCLAIMS)
(BIRD SCREECHING)
Holmes.
Mmm.
I can't believe you have a brother.
Yes, but we're nothing alike.
He's an arrogant man
who never appreciates
the people around him.
BUTLER: Follow me. Here.
MYCROFT: Well, well, well.
So you are finally seeking
your brother's help.
(SIGHS)
I must say, I'm not surprised.
And this vague assembly
of limbs and fatty tissue,
I assume, is Dr. Watson.
Mmm.
(MUFFLED, DISTORTED VOICES)
So shall I get us started?
(MEN SHUSHING)
Watson, please.
We're in the middle of a conversation.
Can't you see?
When the two most brilliant
minds in all of England
have a fraternal bond,
words are an inefficiency.
We communicate without words, silently,
from giant brain to gianter brain.
WATSON: Of course.
I'll join in as I see fit.
(CHUCKLES)
(BOTH CLEAR THROAT)
MYCROFT: I can spare a few minutes
to solve your little mystery
and help quench your thirst
for public adulation.
HOLMES:
My thirst is for logic.
I don't care what the public thinks
of London's best-loved detective,
Sherlock Holmes.
WATSON: Thoughts.
(GROANS)
(FEEDBACK SQUEALS)
Me-Me talky.
Me-Me talky.
You find killer.
Me-Me talky?
We find killer?
Watson, what are you trying to do?
Trying to brain-speak.
HOLMES: You're going to hurt yourself.
Uh, sorry.
(CHUCKLES)
Uh, perhaps the gentleman
would be more comfortable
in the companions' chamber.
Perhaps, or perhaps I'd be
comfortable here by the fire.
In the companions' chamber, sir.
Yes, fine. Of course.
Great idea.
Yeah, capital idea.
I'll be in the companions' room. Yes.
The equal companions' room,
should you need me.
It's just here.
(MONKEY SCREECHING)
(DOOR CLOSES)
BUTLER: Please enjoy the company
of your fellow companions.
I see. Huh.
Balloons are happy,
but they're not alive.
Fair enough.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
(LOCK CLICKS)
(DOORKNOB RATTLING)
HOLMES: Who is this brilliant
nemesis capable of besting me?
MYCROFT: If your nemesis
were truly smarter than you,
it could only be me.
And as I am not the killer,
one must conclude
that the killer did not,
nor could not, outwit you.
HOLMES: If the killer
is my intellectual inferior,
how has he predicted my every move?
MYCROFT: The killer
did not predict your actions.
Our murderer is a student of yours,
someone in your proximity.
Someone who could
observe you undetected.
Someone who knows you
better than anyone.
WATSON:
His mind radiates wisdom.
Sherlock Holmes has done it again!
I am dying from anticipation.
What did your brother tell you, Holmes?
I believe I've cracked the case.
It was in front of me the
whole time, my dear Watson.
Oh, do share.
(SIGHS)
And ruin the suspense?
I just thought, since I
worked the case with you...
And we're here.
(SIGHS)
HOLMES: Now,
you're all wondering why
I gathered you here today.
Prepare yourself to be astonished.
The killer could only be a man
who knew my actions at every turn.
Who was present at every murder?
Hmm?
Who knows me better than anyone?
It was you who arranged
my birthday party
and the cake which contained
the first victim,
initiating the events
leading us to today.
Dr. Watson is the killer.
(OTHERS GASPING AND MURMURING)
HOLMES:
By studying my methods,
you created a fake crime
only you could solve.
Why? I was to be so impressed
that I would crown him co-detective.
He wanted to rewrite history
by becoming my partner.
(CHUCKLES)
Okay. Now the part about
how I could never have done it
and on to the surprising real killer.
I wonder who it's going to be.
When one eliminates the impossible,
whatever remains, however improbable,
is the truth.
But this is absurd.
Holmes, you must know in your heart...
The heart is for pumping blood.
The truth is the truth!
Truth
is that I have devoted my life to you.
And I was a fool to think
you would ever consider me
as a co-detective
when you're incapable of
thinking of me even as a friend!
(STAMMERING)
Inspector Lestrade, take him.
Go on.
The man is your closest friend.
Your pursuit of Moriarty has failed.
You have no suspects.
The killer still threatens
to kill the Queen.
Is that a chance you're willing to take?
Take him.
What?
(GRUNTING)
Do you see his propensity for violence?
- Do you still doubt me?
- OFFICER: Calm down.
I shall never again carry your
blasted magnifying glasses
or your jars of urine.
Why are we even saving these?
And you look stupid in that hat.
(GASPS)
Your head was not meant for hats.
(GRUNTING)
Unhand me! No!
I'll never forget you, John.
(YELLING, SOBBING)
Why?
John Watson devoted his life to you,
and this is how you repay him?
Back to America with your
ham-dogs and hot-burgers.
GRACE:
At least, in America, our system's fair.
No citizen can be found guilty
till his case is heard by a jury
of white property-owning men.
Millie, surely, you must understand.
(GASPS)
Fine, go!
I'm the greatest detective
who ever lived.
You're welcome for solving this case.
Sherlock abandons Watson!
_ _ _
(GASPS)
(GASPS SOFTLY)
(GASPS)
A tear?
(HEARTBEAT THUMPING)
What is this tear?
(WHIMPERS)
I... I can't stop it.
(GASPING)
What is this warm feeling in my chest?
♪ Why am I reeling in confusion?
♪ What is this fever in my head?
♪ Is it pox?
♪ Maybe gout
♪ I can't seem to work it out
♪ And why
♪ Don't I feel triumphant?
♪ And why does it seem less than right
♪ That Watson's going to hang tonight
♪ And gasp and thrash
and choke until he's dead?
♪ What is this strange sensation
♪ Where did I go wrong?
♪ Why am I a sobbing, trembling mess?
♪ Soon my neck will snap in half
♪ I guess
♪ And yet I know somehow
♪ And yet right now
♪ If he could hear right now
♪ I would still forgive him
♪ More or less
♪ Please, I don't know
Upon whom else to call
♪ Nothing is making any sense at all
♪ Speak! I need your voice
To hear your voice
♪ So sweet, so pure, so wise
♪ Sometimes the irrational
♪ Is truer than the rational
♪ The heart can have its reasons
♪ Which the head knows nothing of
♪ Your brain says Watson's guilty
♪ But a stronger force says
"No, he's not"
♪ What is that force?
♪ It's... It's...
♪ Yes? What?
♪ It's love...
♪ Love?
♪ It's love
♪ It's love
♪ It's love
♪ It's love
♪ It's love
♪ It's love ♪
My God.
Did I push Watson away
because I feared losing him to Grace?
Somehow, I know in my heart...
Watson is innocent!
♪ Time to go and save
♪ Come save me now
♪ The man I love ♪
♪ The man I love ♪
HOLMES: Watson!
I discovered my emotions,
and I'm only 46.
CROWD: (CHANTING)
Hang! Hang! Hang!
(BARKING, GROWLING)
(ALL CHEERING)
(MAN LAUGHS WICKEDLY)
Oh, God.
CROWD: (CHANTING) Hang Dr. Watson!
Hang Dr. Watson!
WATSON: The dogs seem
really unnecessary.
Sherlock.
Oh.
It's you. (CHUCKLES)
You've brought cake.
Watson! My brother!
Watson, where are you?
Where...
I'm too late.
Clever.
Very, very clever.
You were always so clever,
and I never appreciated it.
But it's not too late to make amends.
Watson!
I shouldn't have wasted
all my time singing!
Ah! Grimy news kids.
I desperately need your help.
Dr. Watson's in grave danger.
Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.
Because of you, you wank!
I know.
But I know of a way to save him.
Please, please help me.
I must find a way
to the docks immediately.
WATSON: "Moriarty's daughter
"did the one thing Moriarty never could.
"She defeated Sherlock Holmes
and assassinated the Queen.
"Sherlock Holmes,
the man whom I regarded
"as the best and the wisest
man whom I would ever know
"was a fraud."
(SIGHS)
It is done. (SIGHS)
A devilish plan worthy of your father.
The last book in the Sherlock
Holmes canon is complete,
The Case of the Defeated Detective.
Daddy will be so proud.
Sherlock will be remembered
as the man who failed
to protect the Queen.
History shall be rewritten
at the hand of his
loyal partner, Dr. Watson.
I've done your bidding.
Now set me free.
You're gonna die here.
You gave me your word.
You swore on the life of the Queen.
I'm gonna kill the Queen,
you big eejit. Boys!
GIRL: Mrs. Hudson is the killer?
Mmm-hmm.
Gorblimey!
How'd you work that out?
Why, it was Watson who told me.
You see, beet sugar.
Mrs. Hudson's family recipe
and Watson's favorite.
He never would have left crumbs behind
unless he was leaving me a clue.
For, you see, Mrs. Hudson's
origins are not so humble.
She is none other than the daughter
of Professor James Moriarty.
BOY: No, it ain't possible.
You see, Mrs. Hudson
never knew her father.
He was never present.
To gain his love,
she tried to pull off
the greatest crime ever.
Destroy the great Sherlock Holmes.
She took a job at my house
in order to study my methods,
then used a network of patsies
to execute her plans.
However, it wasn't until
I understood feelings
that I understood her motive,
her need for her father's love.
She would gain it by
eliminating his greatest enemy,
me.
And tonight, she will commit
her boldest crime yet,
killing the Queen here!
The Titanic.
The marvel of London.
A new castle, which runs on coal.
MAN: Your Majesty, may I
introduce Lieutenant Morgan.
QUEEN VICTORIA:
Lieutenant.
MAN: First Officer Carter.
- Your Majesty.
- First Officer.
HOLMES:
Look, Hudson's goons.
- Create a diversion.
- You go and save Dr. Watson, Mr. Holmes.
We'll take care of this lot.
Come on, you tom tit!
You ain't bigger than a
couple of powder monkeys.
(DOOR OPENS)
Is there a problem, boys?
(CHUCKLES) Think we can
take them, lads. Aye?
Walk away now, and I
promise you won't get hurt.
A bunch of runts and a couple of ladies?
American ladies.
(HORSE NEIGHING)
(CHILDREN SHOUTING)
MAN: Not my eyes!
MRS. HUDSON:
I'm sorry to do this, Dr. Watson.
I'm gonna crush your head.
There's gonna be brains everywhere.
And I'll not be cleaning up after.
I know you're threatening me,
but I can't understand
a word you're saying.
You're staying, Dr. Watson,
but I'll be on my way to America
by the time the bomb explodes.
Sherlock will save me.
You'll see.
I'll see.
He won't let me down.
He won't.
He's my best friend!
(SOBS MOCKINGLY)
Dollface!
(WHIRRING)
(SCREAMING)
MRS. HUDSON:
Come on, boys.
The bomb goes off in 10 minutes.
Sherlock!
Sherlock!
Help! Help!
Sherlock!
Help!
(SHOUTS)
Watson!
(PANTING)
Oh, God, if you save me,
I'll never touch myself again.
Watson!
Oh, Sherlock.
You've come for me.
I knew you would.
Watson, good news.
You're innocent.
Yes. I know.
Oh.
Thank you.
Can you forgive me?
Of course.
Now, be a good chap, and get
me out of this damn thing
before it crushes my skull.
Yes? There's a good chap.
Go on.
(GRUNTS) I won't leave you.
Not again.
That's a lovely sentiment,
but I really need you
to free me from this gear right now.
Emotions are spewing from my heart.
Pull yourself together.
(SOBBING) Okay.
Stop crying.
Because we must get the Queen
and everyone else off this ship.
You see, Hudson has planted a bomb.
A time bomb, you see?
You must free me.
Do you feel my heart ticking?
Get me off this fucking wheel!
(SOBS)
All my dreams are coming true.
In just two minutes, my bomb
will go off, killing the Queen.
Sherlock Holmes will go down in history
as the worst detective
the world has ever known.
And the name Moriarty
will live on forever!
(FOGHORN BLOWS)
Father,
soon, we shall be together again.
- In America!
- MEN: Yeah!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
The bomb will detonate in one minute.
Where could it possibly be?
WATSON: Wait.
That kettle drum.
Those are only ever used
in mounted cavalry formations,
never in a Marine band.
Perhaps...
(GASPS)
The bomb is in the drum.
Very good, Watson.
But the Queen is standing
just beside it.
She'll be blown to smithereens.
But how to defuse it in time?
HOLMES: Time remaining until
bomb detonation, 55 seconds.
Estimated blast radius
from bomb, 17 feet.
Time required to move queen
to safety, 12 seconds.
Solution, move through crowd,
see Millie for the first time,
forget about bomb...
No.
Time remaining, 37 seconds.
Solution, shoot water main
to douse bomb,
remember Millie at the park,
forget about bomb.
No, I forgot about the bomb!
Watson, what are you doing in my brain?
WATSON: I'm doing it.
I'm communicating without words.
I can't focus. I was
trying to formulate a plan,
and I kept getting off track.
Holmes, no, you don't.
Snap out of it.
I can't. I'm too emotional.
Look behind me. The Queen's
being blown to bits.
You have to take control.
You must be detective for both of us.
Right.
WATSON: I know what I must do.
Estimated blast radius,
20... No, 30 feet?
Account for ship's movement.
Wait. Is that a four or a seven?
Math is so hard. Hold on.
What does that "X" mean?
Or is that a plus?
What is that thing?
Angle of approach?
Oh, I don't know how to do angles.
Should have listened more in school.
Oh, screw it. Charge!
(YELLING)
Out of my way!
Move!
(WOMEN SCREAMING)
(TICKING)
Nine, eight...
Coming through! (GRUNTS)
So sorry!
...seven...
Come on.
Move your tuchis!
(WOMAN GASPS)
Sorry, friend!
(MAN GROANING)
MRS. HUDSON: ...five,
four...
(PEOPLE GASPING)
...two...
(TICKING)
Aw, shit!
(CROWD GASPING, MURMURING)
MAN: Huzzah.
Huzzah for Sherlock Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes saved the Titanic.
(APPLAUSE)
- CROWD: Huzzah!
- WOMAN: Hurrah for Sherlock!
MAN 1: Bravo, Sherlock!
MAN 2: Sherlock Holmes
was right about everything!
CROWD: Hip hip hooray!
Thank you. Thank you.
But I could never have
done it without Dr. Watson.
Oh, no. Let Watson's name
be forever associated
with the Titanic.
So, when you think of your friends
and relatives on board the Titanic,
just remember,
Dr. John H. Watson put them there.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
MAN: Hooray for Watson!
Bloody good we didn't hang him.
QUEEN VICTORIA: Dr. Watson,
you saved us.
Thank you.
It has been my pleasure
to serve you, Your Majesty.
(APPLAUSE)
(KISSES, BLOWS)
(BLOWS)
(GUN CLICKS)
No, Millie.
I have a confession to make.
I'm not actually in love with you.
In order to conclude my investigation,
it was imperative that I
understood what love felt like.
I'm sorry to have led you on.
I have a confession as well.
I was also not in love.
I was conducting an experiment
on how easy it is
to manipulate the male ego.
What?
I'm sorry I led you on.
Well, I have another confession.
Hmm. I was just pretending
to have a big ego
so as to make you think that
your experiment was working
so that I could conclude
my experiment on you.
Well, I had to lead you on
because I was doing an
experiment about how men think
they can manipulate female scientists
while they're doing experiments.
Well, I have another confession to make.
(HOLMES GRUNTS)
(BOTH MOAN AWKWARDLY)
(PANTING)
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
(SIGHS)
You will be shocked to learn
that was my first kiss.
Mine as well, and we've
already mastered it.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Yes, indeed.
All aboard!
She sails in 20 minutes!
MAN: Hurry, everyone!
Step lively!
HOLMES: Enjoy your trip
on the safest ship to sail.
Goodbye.
Farewell, Grace.
HOLMES: Goodbye, Millie.
Make sure you get plenty of bed rest.
There's a good chance you're pregnant.
I hope so.
From...
From the kissing?
Yes.
Oh, yes.
What a grand ship.
Yes.
(GASPS) Watson, look.
It's Billy Zane.
Sherlock.
(LAUGHS)
HOLMES: Wow.
He's breathtaking.
Where's the bar on this canoe?
Holmes.
Mmm.
I believe I may have solved
the one mystery
which has baffled you all these years.
What?
(GASPS)
Would you mind?
Ah.
Do you like it?
Let's see here. Huh?
Oh, it suits you.
Mmm.
I think it's perfect.
Really?
You're not just saying that?
No, I'm not just saying it.
Good.
Thank you, Watson.
And I have something for you as well.
No. No.
Please. Step over here.
Why?
I don't deserve anything.
My dear Watson.
What do you think?
It's beautiful.
(HORSES NEIGHING)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(LIVELY CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Telegram for Professor Moriarty.
Professor?
Boy, who sent this?