Hollywood Harry (1985) - full transcript

When a millionaire hog farmer discovers his daughter baring all in Hollywood porn movies, he calls in ace private eye Harry Petry. Braving a menagerie of murderous tinseltown low-life thugs, and fending off a variety of love-hungry dames Harry does his best imitation of a Philip Marlowe tough guy - with riotous results.

Listen...

this won't do any good.

You'll never understand me
but I'll try once,

and give it up.

When a man's partner is killed

he's supposed to do something about it.

It doesn't make any difference
what you thought of him

he was your partner
and you're supposed to do

something about it.

And it happens we're in the detective business.

My uncle's a real detective.



He lives in Hollywood.

He's a lot like
Humphrey Bogart.

WOMAN: Are you alone, honey?

Yeah.

MAN: L.A. Express.

That's my bus.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

HARRY: Things hadn't been goin' so good.

I hadn't had a decent case in months.

My partner Max was renting out the side office again

and our secretary Candy was the only one with money,

it was humiliating.

I took a powder.

That was two weeks ago.



Since then I've been boozing pretty good,

and lately I've been having these crazy dreams.

CUPID: Harry?

Harry Petry.

It's Cupid calling.

HARRY: What do you want?

CUPID: I've got another job for you, Harry.

HARRY: Forget it.

CUPID: You've been living alone much too long.

HARRY: Oh, no, you don't.

I'm not falling in love ever again.

CUPID: Mmm, you need somebody, Harry.

HARRY: You made me fall in love all my life

and I got my ass kicked.

CUPID:
I, uh, I sent you June.

HARRY: But you didn't let me keep her.

CUPID:
Oh, yes, wrong brother.

But then I sent you Ramona.

HARRY: She rearranged all my books by size.

-CUPID: Oh.
-HARRY: Tough?

Between her and Hitler it was pick 'em.

CUPID: I'm gonna have to call the boss.

HARRY: Call him.

This isn't a dream, this is a nightmare.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

BOSS: H.P.

HARRY: Yes, Boss.

BOSS: It's your nature to fall in love,

do as your told.

HARRY: Yeah. But, Boss, you made my nature

to fall in love with women, plural.

BOSS: That's right, Harry.

[LAUGHS]

I'm in trouble.

I'm in big trouble.

[OBJECTS CLATTER]

This is silly.

This is terrible.

This is just awful.

All right.How do you get her out of here?

Think of something smart.

I'm throwing up.

I don't know who you arebut you're gonna have to leave,

-I'm throwing up.
-Hi, Petry.

It's me, Betty Anne.

Well, you're just
gonna have to leave.

Oh, is my time up?

It's past time.

Oh, I'm not on overtime,
am I?

No.

But, uh, you're just
gonna have to leave,

and don't scare the goldfish.

BETTY ANNE:
I don't see any goldfish.

They probably got scared
and left already.

Right there. Right where
you're looking. Right there.

BETTY ANNE:
I can't find my dress.

You're dress is right here.

I didn't know
a man like you threw up.

Yes, we do, every morning,
regularly.

Oh, don't do that.
I hate barf.

My favorite place
to throw up

is right where you are standing.

Well, jeez baby,
I'm hurrying as fast as I can.

I can't find my panties.

[DOOR SLAMS]

Never, never, never, never,
never gonna drink.

No more, no more, no more.

[SIGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, Petry.

It was just as terrific
as you said it would be.

Oh, and, uh,
here's your five dollars.

I know I'm only
from Cleveland,

but five dollars
doesn't seem much

for a rootin' tootin'
first class Hollywood stud.

Oh, and I will
give your number

to all my girlfriends
like you asked.

Except I don't have many,

see, I haven't been
in Hollywood very long.

Lucky me.

-BETTY ANNE: Hmm?
-I say, uh...

you better leave now.

It's professional protocol.

Oh.

Okay.

[SIGHS]

BETTY ANNE:
Hey, I've got it.

I'll write your namein all the girl's bathroom walls

in Hollywood.
[GIGGLES]

No, no, no.

You'll be famous, Petry.
[GIGGLES]

Don't do that.

Don't do that.

I just loved it.

Time's up.

Hey, you're funny,
you know that?

What the heck,
I think you're worth it.

Twenty percent
is pretty generous too.

In Cleveland
ten percent is tops.

Goodbye, lover boy.

I won't forget my promise.

[GIGGLING]

HARRY: If that was Cupid's idea of a joke,

I wasn't laughing.

I'd rather have been out on the street

with Max and Candy tricking some poor guy

and to accept in a subpoena.

CANDY: How do we get Petry
to come back?

Don't ask me, buster.

Wear a hula skirt
and do a rhumba?

MAX: That's clever.

CANDY: You drove him away
with your schlock jobs,

you get him back.
I'm on sabbatical.

MAX: I thought men
were you're business.

CANDY: Oh, they are in a way.

The abominable darlings.

But as far as Petry
is concerned,

you're the one
who needs him.

Not me.

She drank all my booze.

She owes me
more than six bucks.

MAX: Do you think
I need Petry for this job?

I need Petry?
I don't need him.

I taught him
everything he knows.

I'm the master.
He learned from me.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

MAN: Hi.

Are you a-comin' or going?

Working.

What's the going rate?

For me, a trip to the moon.

For you, I don't know.

You'll have to ask the judge.

Oh, no, you don't.

It wouldn't [INDISTINCT]

even for a little...

front door, back door.

Nice going, master.

-He caught me by surprise.
-Oh.

Please, Candy, please.

He won't listen to me.

He'll listen to you.

So, who says
he'll listen to me?

The man is impossible.

-And you love it.
-Hah.

Anyways, forget it.

The last time
you sent me after him,

we started a dance,

he make some miserable face

and a rotten crack
about fig leaves

and walked off
the dance floor.

MAX: You've been
reading too much.

I could've punched him
right in the eye.

Damaging his brain.

CANDY:
It's completely humiliating.

HARRY: Oh, give me a break.

Damn.

[SIGHS]

Not bad.

She stole my bottle.

Oh, she took the damn bottle.

SALESMAN: Trust me.This is a big deal, a big steal.

SALESMAN: That's a cool player,
beautiful. Yeah.

SALESMAN:
--of quality merchandise

and a price so low,
you can't beat it anywhere.

Well, it's a kitchen penbut it has a blade attachment...

SALESMAN: ...merchandise.
and a price so low...

[BELCH]

God Almighty.

You light that up,
I'm not buying you breakfast.

MAX:
You wouldn't say that if H.P.

wanted to smoke it.

H.P. has too much class
to do that to a lady.

MAX: Well, I have class, too.

CANDY: Relax, Max,don't take this morning so hard.

You know I'm used
to seeing you run over.

Your moral fibers belongin a box of health food cereal.

No wonder you and H.P.
like each other.

He just helps me keep rotten
every now and then.

I like that.

My name is Gene Perrotta.

We got a hell
of a product here.

-It's proven.
-It slices, it dices.

Just wait until he finds out
about our new court case.

He'll come begging back
on his knees.

I'll say no, no, no.

GENE:
My name is Gene Perrotta.

What the hell do you want?

Excuse me, uh, Mr. Caldwell.

Can I have the key
to the men's room?

Have you filled your quota?

Uh, not yet.
But I gotta go real bad.

Well, too bad.
Not until you fill your quota.

Get out!

You wanted two weeks, Candy.

I've seen Petry go on
some pretty big binges.

But baby, if you ask me,
this is the worst.

Two weeks.

Oooh.

I would like to see
his reaction to Regina.

MAX: I sent him a client.

He wanted one,
I sent him one.

Then you'll do it?

Not a chance.

You know what he's like
when he gets like that.

Cute.

What's this?

A parachute?

Hello Jimmy.

Much better.

Much better.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Hit it again,
it'll fall down.

I won't have to get up.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

I'm coming.

Yummy, yummy pizza.

Wise guy, huh?
How refreshing. [SNIFFS]

I said no anchovies.

No, pal.
You said no bell peppers.

I took the order myself.

You said you weren't through
throwing up yet.

You didn't like
green surprises.

Makes sense.

How much?

Five eighty-eight.

-Keep it.
-All of it?

Don't be a smart ass.

You're lucky
to get the business.

Your pizza stinks, smell it.

I wouldn't eat that.

That's the idea.

Wh-what are you
an actor or something?

Yeah. Did you see me
in my last show?

-It was...
-No.

MAN: Shithead.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

I'm on my heels,
I told you I'm broke.

REGINA: So am I.

HARRY: So am I who?

So am I.

Regina.

Silly old me bought a coke
with the extra.

What extra?

That your ex-partner gave me
for bus fare to get here.

Max.

I can see you're a hot item.

I don't suppose you'd just
go away if I asked you.

You, uh, you don't suppose
correctly, Mr. Petry.

Mr. Caldwell said that
you were a very nice man.

[SCOFFS] Oh, my.

Nice, huh?

Well, I've seen worse.

Have a seat.

Why, thank you very much.

[GROANS]

Pardon me?

I say you don't look
like a woman

but you act like one.

You are under age.

Only in California.

I could get in trouble.

How theatrical.

Listen, if you're trying
to be suggestive,

I want you to know
I don't fornicate

in the daytime anymore.
It's bad for business.

I'm not after you, Petry.

I'm here to ask you
to find my boyfriend.

And he's not just a nobody.

A somebody? Big guy?

Producer maybe?

You came to townto be the next blonde bombshell,

only you're a brunette.

You wound up
making a dirty movie

and clinging
to a handful of promises.

That's very good.

How'd you know?

I'm on a hot streak
this morning.

Three for three, I think.

This is Hollywood, remember?

I'm not the first then?

Not the first this morning.

What happened
to the Southern accent?

Well, sometimes I forget

when I get excited.

But I think
there are some things

-that you should know.
-HARRY: No.

I'll tell you.

You want to get
the dirty tape back,

you're going home,
you learned your lesson.

Hollywood
is filled with nothing

but crooks and phoneys
and credit stealers

and self-enthusiasts.

You don't have any money,
but your daddy does.

-How am I doing?
-That jerk Caldwell

told you everything.

He didn't tell me a thing.It's written all over your face.

Men like you just love that,
don't you?

Nice try, an eight maybe.

You think
you're so damn smart.

How come you live
like a pig in a stye?

My daddy happens
to raise pigs.

I bet he does.

As soon as I found that
so called boyfriend of yours,

you'd throw yourself
on the ground at his feet

instead of wanting
to mix it up with me.

He'd, "Oh, baby.".
You right back into his arms.

I'm not interested.

I believe you are.

You're wasting your time.

I always get what I want,
Mr. Petry.

Always is not forever.

Damn you!

You were my last chance.

The bottom of the barrel.

And I came all the way over hereon a stinking bus.

Furthermore, my daddy
does happen to have some money

and he can be mighty grateful

to somebody who's good
to his little girl.

Or he can be twice as nasty
when they're not.

Well, I thought about it
and I thought about it

and I'm much too busy.

Mmm, good.

Oh, terrible.

[PHONE RINGS]

State your purpose.

MAX:
H.P., I got terrific news.

My new case, you won't believe the luck, H.P.

I fell right into it.

Is Candy still
picking up the bills, Max?

MAX: Not for long, H.P.

Listen, this new case will strike--

I don't want to hear it.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

People's Court?

You are going
on People's Court?

I think I'll wear
my navy blue serge suit.

I'll have my tie pressed.

I wonder if I should wear
my glasses and--

or go for that rougher
less intellectual look.

What do you think, Harry?

I think you should have
gotten Candy

to try to get me back, Max.

You mean you don't like
my People's Court case, Harry?

It is beneath crapola!

And I was gonna cut you in.

Ingrate.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

HARRY:
I wonder what I'd tell her.

I wonder
why I only charge five bucks?

[SIGHS]

[DOORKNOB RATTLES]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

HARRY: ♪ She ain't got lose [INDISTINCT]♪

♪ And you get to [INDISTINCT]♪

♪ She ain't got lose [INDISTINCT]♪

CLAPPER: Ha.

HARRY: ♪ ...lose [INDISTINCT]♪

BOTH: ♪ When your mouth says don't you [INDISTINCT]♪

MAN: ♪ Swallow it like...♪

[YELLS]

Ow.

[BOTH SCREAMS]

[LAUGHS]

What the hell do you want?

Right in the beak.

-Don't kill him, Clapper.
-All right. Look, guys,

I think I got that
out of my system.

Why don't we talk
some business?

[GROANS]

Boss said don't kill him,
Clapper.

Don't kill me, Clapper,
the boss.

CLAPPER:
Put some clothes on,

you Hollywood fruit fly.

You gave him a hand wash,
eh, Clapper.

-[CHUCKLES]
-Yeah.

All right, boys.

I hope everybody had coffee
while you were waiting.

Everything all right?

Oh, a carrot, that's good.

Now, listen to me, honey.

Clapper did not like
what you did in there,

-did you, Clapper?
-No, sir.

What have we got here, guys?

A meeting
of the Mensa Society?

Now we're here on business.

It looks like you
ain't paying either.

So cut out the tough guy crap.

Okay, guys.
I'm not tough.

All business, you guys talk,
I'll take notes.

End of notes and the bullshit.

Take your business
up the street.

Come on, move, boys,
unless you want

to look like
boxes of cheerios.

Out that door
before I count to five.

Beat it.
One, two, three.

Don't get nervous now.
Don't shoot.

Hey, don't shoot.
Don't shoot.

-Come on, Skeeter.
-Don't shoot.

Did you say four?

Four!

Bam, bam, bam!

You dead! [LAUGHS]

I got him.
I got him, Clapper.

CLAPPER: No, we didn't.

I feel like I'm in a Hollywood
movie show already.

SKEETER: And he just
got the Hollywood?

Did you see his robe fly open?

Yeah.

-Boys!
-[SKEETER LAUGHS]

Now you listen up hog slop.

You get yourself and this here
hog pen cleaned up.

You stay sober tonight.

My boss raises souies,
he don't socialize with them.

Be here tomorrow morning
at nine o'clock sharp.

You be ready, you hear?

That was a nice move, Crapper.
I like that.

Turkey breath.

Crapper. [LAUGHS]

You are dead.

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

HARRY: It was turning into one of those times

when nothing was going right.

A time when a man needs to share a drink

with his buddies.

BARTENDER: Hey, boys.

Look who's here,
five-dollar Petry.

[LAUGHTER]

BAR PATRON:
Hey, Petry, show us a trick.

[LAUGHTER]

HARRY:
Taking that first five bucks

was a big mistake.

[ALARM RINGING]

[ALARM RINGING STOPS]

HARRY: Smashing the alarm clock hurt like hell.

Not locking the door was just plain stupid.

I told you to clean this
hog stye up for good, boy.

STINSON:
Let the man up, Clapper.

HARRY: Let me up.

I said let the man up,
Clapper.

I don't know who you are
but take your smelly baboons

and get the hell out of here
before I call the cops.

I didn't leave that convention

and fly all the way
down here from Denver

just to breathe that
stinking L.A. air boy.

You got about 30 seconds
to present yourself decent.

Petry.

Ah, it's gotkind of a Hollywood ring to it,

like a frog
turned into a prince.

Kind of hogshit
that turns a young gals head.

That's what crosses my mind

when I'm feeling
kind of hostile.

You get my drift, boy?

I got a loaded gun this time,
Stinson.

Get my drift?

How many people old Clapper
kill anyway, Skeeter?

SKEETER: Oh, lots.

STINSON:
I know that, but how many?

Lots.

Close enough
when you consider the source.

He started his own graveyard.

STINSON: I think
Mr. Petry gets the idea.

Now, look here, Petry.

I want my little gal back

and I want her damn fast.

You get my drift back, boy?

I don't know what the hell
you're talking about, Stinson.

I don't know this girl.

Well, now,
that's mighty strange

because when she called
all crying and spirit-broken

why it was your name
and the phone number

and address she left

as to how
to get in touch with her.

Now let me
just jog your memory.

Regina?

Regina?

I'm going to kill you, Max.

Now I want
that goddamn movie show

if like you say
there is one.

But what I really want

is that so-called
Hollywood producer.

And I want my little girl
and I get what I want.

Now you know this town
and I don't,

so like it or not,
you are interested.

HARRY: Not for sale.

[FINGERS SNAP]

Still not interested.

STINSON:
Oh, I think you are.

See, I'm a very wealthy man.

I can afford
to let old Skeeter here

wipe Clapper's' can
with hundred dollar bills.

-Hey!
-Shut up!

And there's an additional
five grand

in cold un-taxable cash
right behind that.

Ten thousand,
that's my price.

Your price is five cents.

[SKEETER LAUGHS]

But five's a fair figure.

And my handshake is my word.

Damn.
You shake hands like a fairy.

[SKEETER LAUGHS]

That's disgusting.

Now Clapper and Skeeter
will be around

to check up periodically.

In the meantime,

we're going to have
a little Arkansas style

look see around on our own.

Boys.

Excuse me. Clapper.

We're gonna be working
together, right?

I'd just soon not be part

of that graveyard
you got working.

What do you say?

Hmm.

[GROANS]

[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[CLAPPER SCREAMS]

[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

Five thousand
right down the toilet.

No pun intended, Crapper.

No more booze.
No more booze.

No more booze.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

It's after five,
I'm not home.

Is that you, Crapper?

I'm real sorry about
what happened this morning

but, uh, that was my mean streakgot a hold of me.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

DANIELLE:Just open the door, Uncle Petry.

Your niece Danielle.

How many nieces
you got named Danielle anyway?

Uh, just one. But, uh...

Yeah, what, did you forget?

No. No, I didn't forget.

But, uh...

I don't want to talk about it
right now, okay?

But why aren't you
in New York?

Where's your folks?

You mean your brother
and my mother?

Yeah.

This place smells
like a whiskey cellar.

Don't change the subject.

They're gone.

What do you mean gone?

What does gone usually mean?

Gone usually means
somebody is dead.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

You can't come in here
in the middle of the night

and tell me
that your parents are dead.

I live with you now,
there's no one else.

That doesn't make any sense.
Why didn't anybody tell me?

DANIELLE:
You never answered.

I got a machine
when nobody's here.

Oh, what did you expect?

It was only two
and a half days.

I was in school.

What do you care anyway,
Uncle Petry?

You never wrote,
you never called,

you never answered
any of my letters.

One, yes, I did.

Yeah, like you were writing
to a baby,

and I'm not a baby anymore.

I'm almost 15 years old.

[SIGHS] I'm so tired.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

MAX: Hi, sports fans.

This is Max the Swell Caldwell.

Oh, Christ.

MAX: If you were calling for my has been

ex-partner Harry,

I'm sorry to have to tell you but he died,

and his body was sent to Stuartville, Ohio.

He was swallowed whole by his own liver

which also ate most of Rochester.

I'm also sorry that you had to talk

to a recording but I'm wanted downtown.

-[PHONE BEEPS]
-That was cute, Max,

but this is a message for Candy.

Candy, I need you immediately.

Clean up your mind,
that's not what I meant.

A couple of things
have come up here that, uh,

put me in a hell of a bind
and I'm desperate.

I need you to babysit.

I'm serious,
I'm not kidding.

There is some good news,

I got the money
for your back pay

but the bad news is,

this is the only way
you're gonna get it.

The back pay I mean.

I love you, goodnight.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Good morning.

It's good, huh?

My hangover prescription

is 30 hard pushups,

in and out of a cold shower,

and a plate of bacon
and raw eggs.

After your first hangover,

you will kill
the first 14-year-old

that says anything
like that to you.

Hmm, I doubt it.

I'm a totally
non-violent person.

And as you can see,

I've been trying
to put your note together.

You're a thrill a minute.

Don't you know
it's just moments after dawn?

No, in fact it's uh...

-10:30.
-10:30.

I've been trying
to figure this out.

And I've decided
that it's some kind of

top secret information
like from the government

or the military
or something like that,

and its written in code

in some kind of
invisible chemical

and it was something
so important

that you tore it upand threw it in the wastebasket

where no one
would ever find it.

And when you needed it,

you and you alone
would be able to dig it out

and put it back together.

That's amazing.

Yeah it was, wasn't it?

Amazing, but stupid.

What's this crap?

You're asking me?

I thought you'd be an expert
in pain killers by now.

Is this a love note?

Hey, what's this written in?

No, its business,

eyebrow pencil,

and I don't use this.

Eyebrow pencil?

It's hard on the system.

And it's not a love note?

Tearing it up
was pretty stupid.

I make every mistake
I can think of.

Experience yields information,

you can't learn less,
you must learn more.

That's the philosophic
foundation

for learning "whole truths".

Sounds to me like you wish
you hadn't torn it up.

Well, that too.

You know,
heat might bring this off.

Or lemon juice.

Most off beat substances
will come off with acid.

Are you always this obnoxious?

Don't knock it.
It's one of my assets.

Now what do you know about love?

You're 14 years old.

What the hell
do you know about love?

I'm almost 15 and I probably
know more than you do.

[SIGHS]Look I can take care of myself.

I already had breakfast
and you wouldn't have

to worry about me
hardly at all.

I can cook and sew.

I can even iron if I had to,

and I cleaned up the place.

Nobody cleans up after me.

I clean up after myself.

Well, you were doing
a great job.

Listen.

We are gonna have
to get one thing straight.

You're not staying here.

Now, I'm a single guy.

I live alone
and do what I want.

I come and I go.

If I want to bring
a woman home, bingo.

If I wanna drink all night,
same thing.

I'm not gonna change my life.

What you do
doesn't matter to me.

I'm being nice right now.

You gotta understand.
I'm not really this nice.

I'm awful.

I'm cold.

I don't care.
I'm staying.

You're not staying.

Now, there must be somebody
on your mother's side,

I don't know who.
But there's nobody on my side

and look around.

Is this a good place
for a little girl to grow up?

No.
I thought about it last night

and came to the conclusion

and what I'm doing is right
for both of us.

I understand,
that you used to be this.

Look at you now.

I don't want
to stay here anyway.

That's the spirit, kid.

This was taken
before you were born.

Mom said you were special.

HARRY:
This was for a dance contest,

30s dance contest.

I never dressed up like this.

We'll try the lemon juice firstand if that doesn't work,

we'll use heat while
the paper is still wet and--

Did you hear me?

I'm not a character
out of some book.

Hey, you can't help it.

If you're a boozer,
you're a loser.

-Is that right?
-Yeah, that's right.

Well, it's for sure
I'm not a goddamn saint.

And I'm not gonna become one,
not for you or anybody else.

You want a story book character,read the comics.

You want a selfish jack ass,
that's what I am.

Well, that's a new one on me.

When you gonna eat?

HARRY: If I feel like it.

Yeah, when's that?
Thursday?

Don't touch anything.

No problem.

All right, you guys.

It's Petry
and Petry from now on.

So, you better watch out.

Mind your Ps and Qs.

HARRY: No longer in service?

Well, uh,

is there a new number perhaps?

Maybe unlisted?

Service is cancelled?

Hey, hey, can you tell me
when that was?

Thank you, operator.

So, Michael and Jill were gone.

I wondered whether the kid was anything like her mother.

DANIELLE: Get me a donut.

Thought you already ate.

I'm a heavy hitter.

Make it a ding-dong.

Two. Two.

Make it four.

HARRY: But she deciphered the note

which led me to Claudia.

DANIELLE: What do we do when she comes?

HARRY: We beat her up.

You jive.

See that girl over there?

You behave like that?

We haven't got any sun
in New York.

Women who don't think
they're sexy enough,

show it off the most.

She's trying
to get a good tan.

She's trying to provoke
every male in the vicinity.

There's a rule about that.

Never provoke a man
you don't want chasing you.

Of course,
then there's your type.

You'll do all right.We'll get you a no cut contract

with the Dallas Cowboys
or something.

This kid Buddy Nickles,
at school broke his arm

trying to go over the top
of the school swing.

He said he'd kill himself
if I didn't marry him.

What did he need,
a middle linebacker?

No.

He wanted to have a baby.

[COUGHS]

-I know all about that stuff.
-[CLEARS THROAT]

It wasn't like
when you were growing up.

Kids today know stuff.

Claudia, Claudia.

Uh, excuse me.

Are you, uh, Claudia?

-I don't want any.
-Neither do I.

-Is Regina home?
-CLAUDIA: Who?

-Regina.
-Oh, Regina, that dizzy bitch.

Peter dumped her.

You two aren't with those
movie people, are you?

And what is this,
kiddie porno?

Watch what you say, Claudia.

CLAUDIA: Oh, you're getting
assertive, how butch.

Imagine, they wanted me
to be in that movie.

Have you ever read such a pieceof junk in your life?

Surely you didn't read it?

You can imagine what they wantedme to do in the film.

What do they think I am,
a pervert or something?

Ow.

And, you know,
Peter wrote it himself

as if he could write
his own grocery list.

Twelve lines of dialogue

and a much grunting
and groaning.

Can you tell me
where I could find Regina?

Uh, Peter then?

Peter is running scared.

He's lucky he's not up
for statutory rape.

As if he didn't know
she was under 18.

I'm sure his wife's
got the mounted police

out for him or something.

I think she put up the money
for the movie.

He'll be lucky if he doesn't
get his walnuts cut off.

Oh, excuse me, hon.

It's okay.
I've heard fruits talk before.

CLAUDIA: Are you two
quite through?

Uh, neighbor's kid,
got stuck babysitting.

CLAUDIA: That's what you get
for fooling around

with divorcees, hon.

Would you like a lollipop,
maybe some pablum?

You'd make a cute
little dike.

-Fag.
-Breeder.

What happened to your hair,
your vibrator explode?

DANIELLE: Oh.

Claudia, I gotta find Peter
or Regina or somebody.

I'm gonna be in some big
hot water if I don't.

Your big mouth
cost me 50 bucks.

That was mean.

You'll wash dishes
for a week then.

You haven't got any dishes
at your place.

You don't like my place?
Find some other place.

I like it fine, Petry.

You should, you got the bed.

But you are always in the showertill all the hot water is gone.

You're from New York
and you're complaining

about hot water.

We got better cold hot water
in California

than you've got hot hot water
in New York.

Oh, we've got great hot
hot water in New York.

Pretty good
cold hot water too.

What are you so grumpy about?

You're gonna have to spend
the night

at Max's house or something.

Jeez, he's horny already.

HARRY: At least that 50 bucks bought me the address

of Peter's ex-wife.

DANIELLE: Are you sure
this is where he lives?

Nope.

I just figured it would be
a good spot to park

for a couple of hours.

Bet you'd park
with Buddy Nickles.

I bet I wouldn't.

You'd be French kissing
all night long.

Oh, forget it, man.

Gee, this is fun.

Patience is a virtue.

Generally unachievable
by the young.

Well, that's good.

You got two cents worth
on life goals?

Yeah.

Arnold Toynbee
a British historian,

recently dead, said:

A human being ought to be
perpetually striving

to overcome that innate
propensity in him

to try to exploit
the rest of the universe.

And should instead put himself
at service to the universe.

So unreservedly that his ego
become identical

with the ultimate reality,
which is love,

in case you wanted to know
about that, too.

Don't exploit, serve instead,
that's love. I got it.

You ought to lay that one
on crapper.

Or you could write it
on the bottom of your feet.

I thought
when you are on a stake out,

you stayed until the person
showed up.

HARRY: In the movies.

Danielle.

Who knows you're here?

I can't just let you disappear.

I gotta tell somebody.

So, there's no one to know,
I just left.

We're gonna have
to talk about this.

I'm not ready.

So who's Candy?

She's a friend.

DANIELLE: Do you love her?

Candy and I know each other,

we respect each other,

we, uh, like each other,

and once in a while we, uh,

once in a while we dance.

DANIELLE:
Just answer the question.

Do you love Candy?

HARRY: Where is this conversation leading us?

What is it, my sex life
you're interested in?

Sex, you want to talk about sex?

All right.

You want to talk about sex?

You suggested it.

Well, there's all kinds
of sex to talk about.

There's giving, taking,

borrowed, paid for,
sex over forty--

Sex over sixty,
sex over eighty.

I'm doing the talking.

Maintenance sex, love sex?

-Love sex?
-Love sex?

You want to talk
about love sex?

Well, all right.

Picture this.

A field full of butterflies.

-What color?
-Orange.

Monarch butterflies,
you got these two butterflies

they don't know
what's about to hit them.

They see each other
and like a couple of magnets.

Boom. I love you.

I want you, I need you.

Let's become one.

They fall in love.

Which is all right
for about a minute,

but after the ether wears off,
they got problems.

Not the least of which
somebody's got to lead.

Both cannot.

Now see if you can follow this.

The first three rules of goodhuman relations are as follows.

It is not a contest,
it is not a contest,

and it better not be a contest.

Should I be taking notes
on this or--

Yeah.

Now I've had maybe 1185 fights
with women.

Well, no wonder.

I lost them all.

At this point in my life
I am a champion.

-Avoider of fights with women.
-Ta da.

But, if you like to dance

and you take one out on the dance floor.

And she insists on leading herself,

impossible.

That's love sex.

Well, uh, I guess
I knew all that.

Well good.

Next time
we have a little chit chat

-you can tell me more about it.-Oh probably.

Yeah, in the meantime I'm gonnago take a long hot shower.

Sounds to me like you need
a long cold shower.

You better learn how to follow,there aren't that many women

around these days
who know how to follow.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Petry and Petry.

Just a moment.

Does the five dollar special
go for weekends too?

-No, no, no, no.
-No, I'm sorry.

Just hang up, just hang up.

What was she talking
about Uncle Petry?

Nothing.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Petry and Petry
detective services.

How may we service you?

Service me?

That's not bad.

Where is the hairy beast
anyway?

Who am I talking to, please?

This is Candy.
Are you the babysit job?

-Uh.
-Is that Candy?

What do you do that costs
only five bucks anyway?

I do nothing.

Absolutely nothing
that costs five dollars.

Tell her I've died
and they've sent my body

to the University of Mamamlia.

And get off the phone.

Damn.

DANIELLE: Are you still there, Candy?

Yeah, what's going on?

Petry told me to tell you
that he died

and went to the University
of mam--mamory.

What's that supposed to mean?

What?
Did lose the dough already?

I really don't know, Candy.

Uh, he didn't quite say.

Well, that's cute.

Real clever of him,
don't you think?

Why don't you give him
this message for me.

Why don't you tell Petry that he can--

HARRY: Bah da dum
diddle dee dee.

-Uncle Petry?
-HARRY: Is it, Candy?

-No.
-HARRY: What?

No.

HARRY: Well, what then?

-Nothing.
-HARRY: Huh?

Forget it I said.

I'm breaking out
in a rash on account of you.

-Liar.
-Liar?

You wanna see take a look.

No!

HARRY: Let's take them.

You go to the back door.

I know karate so I'll kick
the front door in.

You'll have the gun
don't shoot

before you see the whites
of their eyes.

I'm close enough now, Petry.

Give me the gun.

Temper, temper, temper.

Danielle,

if you really think
you've killed her

there's only one thing you do,
call the cops.

I don't handle
that kind of stuff.

Stay here.

-What's going on?
-HARRY: Nothing.

-Give me the gun, Petry.
-HARRY: Stay there.

Hello.

What are you doing in front?

The lawnmower
is in the shed out back.

Uh, no, no.

Are you Mrs. O'Peters?

Ms. Goldstein.

You're forgiven.

Does the name Peter Epstein
mean anything to--

-You're not forgiven.
-Oh. Ow!

No. Don't. Ow!

MARCY: I'm gonna call
the police.

I am the police.

And I'm looking
for your ex-husband,

Peter or uh, or, uh uh, Peters--

Well, he is not here so you canput your mind at ease.

Don't do that.

And what if I do?

I won't like it is what.

When I tell you to do something,you gotta do it.

Uh, it's my daughter.
Her, uh--her mother is uh--

MAN: Marcy, Marcy.

Go flex in front
of the mirror, I'm busy.

Is it gonna be all right?

Sure I got another one.

Listen, I don't know
where that weasel is

I could care less.

If he ever comes around here
again I'm gonna let Salvador

break his legs.

You might not need Salvador.

Look, uh,

you're not really
a cop, are you?

Didn't think so.

Anyway that son of a bitch
took my favorite Mercedes.

I'll make a deal with you.

What are you anyway?

Uh, uh, private investigation.

For who?

Never mind, never mind
it's not important.

Look I'll tell you
what you want to know, uh,

if you return
my Mercedes to me.

And in exchange
I'll give you $2,000?

How am I doing?

The foots feeling great.

DANIELLE:
What does she need help?

You wouldn't have been it.

Dammit Danny,
if you can't learn to follow,

if you don't do
exactly what I tell you,

you can't come with me anymore.

Now I know you got
some crazy little idea

working in your mind,
you want to be a partner.

There's no such thing
as a partner,

that takes a long time.

There's finesse,
there's coordination,

there's timing,
there's little rifts,

there's trust.

If you don't have
all that going for you

when the action goes down,
you blow it.

What do you mean?
Good cop, bad cop?

Oh sure, good cop bad cop.

Everybody knows good cop
bad cop.

I'm talking about stuffed riftslike uh, Murphey Kelly.

-You know Murphey Kelly?
-Yeah.

-You do?
-Yeah,

and I do it subtle too
without the strong accent.

What's the matter
with the accent?

Everybody likes the accent.
I do the accent,

they all fall for the accent.

-You do?
-Yeah.

Well, how do you know
how to do Murphy Kelly?

I read books.

You read books?

How about Lickity Split?
You know Lickity Split?

Hard Times Down At The Farm?

Yeah. HBO cable man.

You might not know it yet
it's kind of new.

Bop Diddely said hey,
you know that?

Do you?

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

What the hell
did you do to the car?

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

-Oh, oh.
-What cops?

No, worse.
Clapper and Skeeter.

Don't look back.

DANIELLE: I thought
they were on our side?

HARRY: Well, not quite.

SKEETER: I'm gonna get you
fruit fly.

[TIRE SCREECHING]

[CAR HONKING]

Did we lose them?

HARRY: Yeah, we're losing them.

Is Crapper gonna beat
your brains in?

Uh...

DANIELLE: Can I watch?

HARRY: I figured it was time to bring Max into the case.

I had gotten the location of Peter

the producer's porno film lab from Marcy, his ex-wife.

Then I requested of Max one of his specialties,

Sergeant Klinkscales.

Oh no.
Absolutely not.

I get caught doing that again
I'm gonna lose my license.

No, no.

-Think it's jaundice?
-Uh-uh.

What's jaundice?

That yellow streak up your back.

Oh yeah, very funny.

Hey look,
impersonating an officer

is one of the most serious
misdemeanors.

You're just jealous
because you don't get to go

on People's Court.

You're gonna be
on People's Court?

-You're gonna watch me kid?
-Yeah. Can I come?

You bet.

HARRY: A Petry has class.

Don't you ever forget it,
Danny.

Okay.
I get the picture,

Sergeant Klinkscales it is then.

Oh, I gotta see this.

Hey, stay right here.

Fat chance Lance.

HARRY: Hey.

MAX: Why don't you ease up
on the kid?

She's got a lot to learn.

For who? Mickey Spilane?
Let her have some fun.

This is only a push
and shove case anyway.

Yeah, but this is only
a little game we play, Max.

Nobody gets hurt.

You get good at the game,
you duck a few punches.

MAX: Does she know
that's all it is a game

the two of you play?

You don't see her cow towing
to me, do you?

You know I thought
some of the old color

was coming back
into your face.

Must be the booze.

Booze, yeah, it's the booze.

HARRY: Hey!

She's not staying.

She's not my kid.

What can I do for you,
sweetheart?

It's not me it's my uncle Max.

He's a cop.

You're in deep shit buddy.

-Well, uh--
-Step aside Danny.

Good Afternoon sir,
Sergeant Klinkscales.

What's wrong?

[CHUCKLES] What's wrong?

Are you kidding?

What's wrong?

Did I do something wrong?

Whatever it is, it ain't me.

It's somebody else for sure.

It's definitely not me I,
not--

What?

HARRY: Sergeant Klinkscales was a big hit.

The Gaggle twins were like two bugs in a rug.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

You guys want ding-dongs?

No thanks.

I'm gonna be in there a while.

-I said no. Okay?
-How about you Max?

Shirley Temple in a giggle?

No. Just get a big bottle.

A very big bottle all right?

Hey how's everything going?

Petry giving you a hard time?

No.

We act like we fight,
but we don't.

It's not bad, so far.

You are a Petry, aren't you?

He doesn't want me around.

Aw, don't be so sure.

Look he's a private
sort of a guy.

It will just take him
a little time to adjust,

that's all.

Yeah, I know.

I got a problem Max.

Well, you can talk to me.

Not now, later.

Thank you.

Forward. [LAUGHS]

HARRY: They sure were smug back there,

but they had gotten the location

of Peter the boyfriend.

Max celebrated with a couple of snorts.

He was no drinker.

[SNORING]

Guzzler.

He's great.

So, was the idea
behind the Edsel.

Uh-oh, duck.

[MAX SNORES]

Strictly business,

lunch money
for sleeping beauty.

Do want to wake him up
or do you want

to sign it for yourself?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

You're wearing that look.

Got your dancing shoes?

Toodle loo.

HARRY: We got lucky.

Peter and the Mercedes.

-And one other thing--
-PETER: Oh, baby.

HARRY: --Regina had caught up with him first.

I wonder how that affected my options?

All right. Wait a minute,
wait a minute. How do you--

how do you know
he was your father?

I know my own father, don't I?

Then who were those two
guerillas that were with him?

Those were his bodyguards,
crackhead.

-I knew it. You called him--
-I did not--

--you were a big baby.

I knew you couldn't keep
your big mouth shut.

I knew it.
I knew this is gonna happen.

You called it. [INDISTINCT]

REGINA: Why don't you
just leave me alone?

-I did not--
-PETER: Just like a woman,

-can't keep your mouth shut.
-REGINA: I didn't call him.

You had to call him.

HARRY: My options weren't getting any better.

Daddy and his baboons were closing in fast,

which meant that I had to move fast

or kiss that 5,000 goodbye.

Come on, Max, wake up.We're gonna go get the Mercedes.

Where's Danielle?

-DANIELLE: I'll drive.
-Don't do that.

-I'll drive.
-Get in the car.

Come on, Max, wake up.

-Forget the Mercedes.
-HARRY: Forget the Mercedes.

Why don't we just kidnap her?

Or A real detective
would do it.

HARRY: A real detective
would be taking depositions

for make believe automobile
accidents, forget it.

I'm telling you,
it's crappy stuff.

I'm not Humphrey Bogart.

DANIELLE: I know.

He was taller.

Real detectives in New York.

-Let's see what you did. See?
-I did?

-I have to play it dumb.
-Well, that should be easy.

Hi.

Regina, right?

And who are y'all?

Ah, Mr. Petry.

You remembered.

How's everything going?

Well, just peachy, Petry.

Daddy came right to town
to get me

and everything has been well,
just stupendous.

Well, I'm mighty glad
to hear that.

Uh, I feel a little bit
guilty though.

I tried to catch you
after you left my office,

but I missed you.

And then I've been up
in San Francisco and, uh,

my daughter lives up there.

I could see her once a month.

Oh, how nice.

I hate it.

-REGINA: You do?
-Yeah. I'm gonna run away.

REGINA: Oh, honey,
I know exactly how you feel.

You see the only difference
is mine has money.

Well, I guess I'd best be
getting back up to the house.

You know how Daddy's are,when you get out of their sight

for just one little
old minute.

Decent Daddy's I mean honey.

Glad everything's
going so well.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Lickidy Split, not bad.

So, now can I be your partner?

No you can't, Bop Diddely,
remember?

How can I know what it is,
when you made it up?

I didn't make it up.

What the hell's going on?

And what the hell is that?

I was thirsty.

You ain't wrapped up too tight,are you pal?

Just keep your hands
where I can see them, huh?

Pow.

Ah.

This can't be the right car.

He just shot me
with his bottle.

Pulling the bottle
was the greatest.

Just the greatest.

Yeah, because if you would've
pulled your real gun,

he would've killed us all
for sure.

That's quick thinking H.P.

I'm quick in a pinch.

A close call.

A very close call.

Where's uncle Max?

[BURPS]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

The jobs over with.

We could go in
and shoot them up a little.

Yeah. We could but,

bullets
are getting so expensive.

I think we will just let Clapperand Skeeter take care of Peter.

[MOUTHING]

Uncle Petry?

Uncle Petry I--

What do you think
Bop Diddely is?

Take a guess.

I want to dance.

Why not?

Oh, you're not even supposed
to be in here

after they stop
serving food and...

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

Powder your nose.

I haven't got any powder.

Borrow some.

What are you gonna do,
Uncle Petry?

Lead.

DANIELLE:
We really better go.

I'm not even supposed
to be in here

after they stop serving food.

You're the spitting image kid.

I'm no kid.

You could use
a little mammory though.

Stuff it.

Good girl.

Maybe Petry's right.

Hey, listen.

It was just the two of us.

Just you and me.

Yeah, well, now it isn't.

This is real life,
you got to understand.

Excuse me.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Did you tell him?

Why not?

I can't.

He's trouble, that one.

Jeez, don't I know it.

H.P. does not like surprises.

You owe me money, babe.

Why don't you hit Hugo up
for a loan?

Baby sit my foot.

Oh, sounds like a very nice
place to start.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

What do you mean
I never touched a fig leaf

that didn't turn
into a price tag?

I didn't say that.
Saul Bellow did.

What I said was,
I never touched a fig leaf

that didn't turn
into an emotional price tag.

Now are you gonna give me
something long-winded

and philosophical?

I'm not in the mood.

Neither am I.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Downstairs at Danny's All-Star Joint ♪

♪ They got a juke box that goes doyt-doyt ♪

♪ The vice is nice,they stay in the back all day ♪

♪ But when the nighttime comes,
hey-hey ♪

♪ There's this cat down there that makes a bad kinda soup ♪

♪ I come around struttin' my luck in my shoop coupe ♪

♪ Cecil gives me coffee

♪ And he won't never take my coin I say ♪

♪ I got thirty dollarsin my pocket! Whatchoo doin'? ♪

♪ I holler, come on, Cecil, take a dollar ♪

♪ Come on, Cecil, take a ten ♪

♪ But I've finally geared up into a whole buncha big ones ♪

♪ And you're actin' like I'm down-shiftin ♪

♪ He knows all the under-riders on the boulevard ♪

♪ They got to barefoot cruise when it's forty-weight hard ♪

♪ They look particularly dead-beat ♪

♪ Permanently pale

♪ Cecil picks up his butcher knife waves it at the jail ♪

Don't look at them.

♪ The kid say, I ain't got no dough, Joe ♪

♪ I just want some O.J.

♪ I said, "Don't look at me" Cuz he was lookin' my way ♪

♪ Cecil wink upon him some juice and some green ♪

They're in love aren't they?

♪ And the kid walks over and puts the quarter ♪

♪ In the pinball machine and he says ♪

♪ Come on, Cec, gimme a dollar ♪

♪ Come on Cecil gimme five

♪ I'm in a half-way house on a one-way street ♪

♪ And I'm a quarter past left alive ♪

♪ He can talk about your people in a wonderful way ♪

♪ He can talk about your people 'til your hair turns gray ♪

♪ Your sister's into mustard, she loves to walk the pub ♪

♪ She likes the pickles and the relish ♪

♪ She never gets enough

♪ A Hershey milkshake steaming on a stick ♪

♪ For a Card Blanch sandwich, oh, lettuce get thick ♪

♪ It's not because I'm dirty, it's not because I'm clean ♪

♪ It's not because I kiss the boys behind the magazine ♪

♪ Hey, boys?

♪ How about a fight?

♪ Cause here comes Rickie with the girdle on tight ♪

♪ And if she don't know your name ♪

♪ She knows what you got

I like that dance.

♪ To the chicken in the pot

♪ Chicken in the pot

♪ Chicken in the pot

♪ Chicken in the pot

♪ Downstairs at Danny's All-Star Joint ♪

♪ They got a juke box that goes doyt-doyt ♪

♪ A finger-snappin' deluxe make your be bop bap ♪

♪ And your R and B hep scat

♪ You can't break the rules

♪ Until you know how to play the game ♪

♪ But if you just want to have a little fun ♪

♪ You can mention my name

♪ Keep your feet in the street ♪

Quote me a quote.

For a work
to be a piece of art,

it should be both useful
and sweet.

-Ooh.
-Ooh.

Take that and go.

Ooh I'm getting ready
to Gin, Max.

Oh, look at that roach
over there.

What are you doing?

Here he comes, Max.

-What is it? Yeah.
-What did you take?

I didn't take nothing, huh.

Look, I think
you better tell him tonight.

I can't I got other things
I want to discuss.

Like what?

Did you know he and his brotherhaven't talked in a long time?

Brother?
I didn't know he had a brother

until you came along.

And also they're twins.

-Hello.
-Hello.

HARRY: Hello.

-Have a good time?
-Have a good time?

-Yeah.
-Sounds like a yes to me.

Sounds like he had
a very good time.

Uh-hmm. Ooh, gin.

-You can't.
-Yeah, why not?

Because I took the card
you would gin with.

Ding-dongs anybody?

-No thanks.
-Later.

Which card did you take?

Oh, boy.

-Anybody feed the sharks?
-Yeah. I did.

Oh, boy I'm tired.
I guess I'll go home.

I'll teach you
how to cheat next time, kid.

What do you mean next time?
I kicked your butt this time.

Oh, Candy's back in town.

Ding dong, the witch is dead.

Well, next time, I'll teach youhow to [INDISTINCT]

Good night, H.P.

Night, Perry Mason.
Keep up the good work.

DANIELLE:
Are you in a good mood?

Yup.

DANIELLE: So, we better get
a bigger place now.

HARRY: I'll think about it.

DANIELLE: Yeah.
At least think about it.

What's the taste like?

Gopher piss.

Listen, if you're mad
about Candy--

I'm not mad about Candy.

--or if you're jealous or
something I'd understand that.

I'm not jealous either.

Well what then.

You didn't tell me the truth.

I don't lie.

When you let her, you said
that we all need three hugs

a day just to survive.

You don't hug Candy,
you just sleep with her.

You don't know
what I do with Candy.

And you haven't hugged me
since I got here.

You'd make a lousy father.

I told you that
from the beginning.

And you also lied about puttingyourself at service

to the Universe
which is love.

You don't do that.

You're a bum and you don't know

where your next hugs
coming from.

And you're a fat little kid
with a ding dong problem.

I'm not fat.

You came out to LA and ding-
donged yourself to death,

your honor,
did I supply the weapons?

Yes, sir, I did.
Stupid jackass I am.

Listen you're on a pass,you could be gone in 10 minutes,

don't press your luck
with me.

My father says
that kind of stuff to me.

That's probably because
you start bossing him around.

What happened
between you two?

Look, I just came
from something nice.

How come you're putting
the heat on?

-Somebody should.
-And you're gonna do it?

I just got
your best interests in mind.

That's what everybody sayswho wants anything from anybody.

I'm not gonna be here forever,
and I just don't want

to see you grow old
all alone.

Well, I'm old now
and I'm alone

and that's the way I want it.

If you don't like to see it,
beat it.

Can I give you a hug?

You shouldn't have to ask.

I'm sorry I made you mad.

No, no, no, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Will you teach me
how to follow?

I'm tired Danny, honest.

Is that okay?

Oh, stand up.

You know how to make a point?

DANIELLE:
Well, what's a point?

Just put all your weight
on one foot,

just one foot,
now watch.

Watch what happens.

Like that, nice, not bad,
see that.

Okay now the object
is to let go,

just let go.

-Who's bigger, me or you?
-You.

Okay bigger one leads,
boys lead.

Not always.

No, not always but, uh,

makes it pretty tough
on men and women.

Boys are born
to lead and protect.

Women, understandably
do not wish to be number two.

It makes it almost impossible
to have a relationship.

Okay. That's right.
Not bad, not bad.

DANIELLE: You gonna take me
dancing some time?

Never.

And can I get all dressed up
like Candy?

Maybe.

And can I wear makeup?

Makeup? That's a dip.

You want a 20-minute lecture

on women under 40
wearing makeup?

-No, thank you.
-Okay.

one more off this.

Pretty good.

You're all right.
You can do it.

Uh-hmm.

Sit down.

Are you really gonna take me
dancing?

Yeah.

Promise?

-Yeah.
-Good.

Oh, look.

If all I've said doesn't mean anything to you,

then forget it. We'll make it just this.

I won't because all of me wants it,

regardless of consequences.

Humphrey Bogart.

Yeah, my favorite.

Don't be too sure,

I'm as crooked as I'm supposed tobe.

And so the reputation might be good business,

bringing high price jobs

and making it easier to deal with the enemy.

DANIELLE: A New York detective
would've kidnapped her

on the spot.

HARRY:
Isn't it time for...

People's Court?

What time is it?

It's time.

By the time Max got through with People's Court

they'd probably take it off the air.

As for kidnapping Regina,

that was just asking for trouble.

But if she had any sense she might listen to reason.

Stealing the dirty tape would be easy.

If Daddy wanted it back he'd have no choice

but to pay me the five Gs.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

-Regina?
-[GASPS]

Oh, God damn not you again.

Listen to me, will you?

That boyfriend of yours
is a no good.

Are you stupid or what?

My boyfriend loves me.

You can't be that naive.

Mr. Petry, why don't you just
get the hell out of here?

Regina, you know your father
better than anybody.

He's not gonna stand
for that trashy movie.

It's a disgrace to him
and his Southern gentility.

Why, Mr. Petry?

I do believe that
you have been out in the cold

just a little too long.

I do believe your brain
has turned into frostbite.

What else can I tell you?

Have you ever heard a Southern
virgin scream, Mr. Petry?

Only once.

It was her 21st birthday
and that's all she wanted.

What do you wantfor your 18th birthday, Regina?

You son of a bitch.

All right.

You bothering this girl again,
Petry?

Yeah. This boy's a real
slow learner, ain't he?

-Clapper, huh?
-You know guys, I can walk.

-That is it, kid.
-Boys.

Yes, yes, yes, Your Honor.

Now, my client...

-Just give me one--
-Hey, that's my, Uncle Max.

The good looking guy
in the suit.

What, uh, we have here.

Woopty doo.

Yeah. It's fun, huh?

Oh, God.

-MAX: The case of a--
-Star.

STINSON: You see, Harold,

we already accidently found
my little girl

so that means that your servicesare no longer required.

HARRY:
So, goodnight and goodbye.

STINSON:Now, that would be very simple.

Shows that you're smart

and it shows
that you're thinking.

I like that.

Guess what else?

You want to tell him, hon?

Well, I sure do.

Daddy is gonna put up
$300,000

and Peter's gonna do
a moving picture show.

It's gonna be a sports movie.

And I'm gonna be the star.

They'll be lining up
clear round the palm tree

for that one.

WOMAN:
Shit. God damn finger.

It won't cut up vegetables but cut off my thumb.

Look at this. That's blood, that's my blood.

Hey, blondy, move over.

WOMAN: You want it? You want it back?

I'll sell it to you for $269.95 cents?

You want it, Pluto?

We seem to have [CLEARS THROAT]

forgotten, um...

This guy's good.

-Terrific
-Sharp.

This guy's dynamite.

[LAUGHS] He ain't got nothing to say, Judge.

MAX: What, um, we have here

is a, uh, clear, cut--

- Petry?

You see we also got another
little problem.

Now, you see poor
old Clapper here,

he's been mad
as an old razorback

for almost a week now.

See, his eyes are watering
like crazy.

And he's got his hand all hurt.

Corns on his toes are popping
something fierce like

from walking
all over this concrete

that y'all got out here.

Pretty soon, he's gonna be
looking to hurt somebody.

Of course, he's gonna just
naturally gonna think of you.

Listen, Stinson.

I don't know anything

and I don't care.

Why don't you guys just drop
the charges and let me go?

No way.

HARRY: [GRUNTS]

Everyone with guns,

guys it's not necessary.

-Do I shoot him?
-Hell no, you don't shoot him.

STINSON: Don't lock up the trunkso tight boys

that he can't get out clean.
You hear?

Clapper, you got the ax?

Ax?

CLAPPER:
Yeah, all set, boss.

-Have fun.
-Guys.

[IMITATES CAR ENGINE REVVING]

[IMITATES TIRES SCREECHING]

HARRY:
Okay. Clapper. Come on.

Clapper.

CLAPPER: [SCREAMING]

[SCREAMS AND GROANS]

Go ahead, go ahead.

Go get him, Clapper.

He ain't gonna be long in there.

[DOGS BARKING]

-Whoa!
-Come on guys.

Let me shoot him.

Me first.
I'll shoot him. Come on.

[DOGS BARKING]

I'll shoot him.

Oh!

Oh, shit!

SKEETER: Come on, Clapper.
There he is.

Go get him, Clapper.
Go get him.

Get him.
Hurry. Hurry.

Come on.
Come get him, Clapper.

Come on, Clapper.

HARRY:
Oh, no! Don't shoot. Don't--

CLAPPER:
Come on. Let's go. Come on.

HARRY: All right, boys.
You know, I'm sure to catch

-a cold like this, maybe--
-CLAPPER: Shut up.

HARRY:--probably get an ear infection.

CLAPPER: Shut up.

HARRY: Danielle!

[GRUNTING]

Let me out of here.

Let me out of here
you bird brains.

There's an ax in there
twinkle toes.

Cut your way out.

DANIELLE: [IMITATES
CAR ENGINE REVVING]

[IMITATES TIRES SCREECHING]

HARRY: Help!

They got Uncle Petry.

HARRY: Let me out of here.

[CAR ENGINE TURNING OVER]

Wow.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

DANIELLE: Whoops.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Get out of the way.

Coming through.

Oh. Get out of the way.

Pretty good.

Uncle Petry.

I'm coming, Uncle Petry.

Damn you guys.

HARRY: This isn't nice.

Clapper, can you hear me?

You're a pig.

Oink!

Oink, oink.

Where are they?

Where did they go?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Oh, no you don't.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

All right. That's it.
I'm mad now.

I'm mad.

You better watch it you guys.

You dirty rats.

HARRY: I didn't figure they wanted to kill me,

just ditch me somewhere far, far, away.

You morons,
I left my niece back there.

This is uncomfortable, you...

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

HARRY:
I'm gonna get you guys.

Come on, Clapper.

HARRY:
I'm afraid of the dark.

Let me out.

[CAR HONKING]

Come on.
Let's get out of here.

HARRY: Open this box.

[CAR HONKING]

CLAPPER:
Jeez, they'll bring the cops.

They must be drunk.

HARRY: Hey!

[GRUNTS]

DANIELLE:
I'll save you. I'm coming.

Hold on, Uncle Petry.

I'm coming.

Please don't die,
Uncle Petry.

Here I am.

Don't die.
[COUGHS]

Here I come, Uncle Petry.

No! Oh my God, Uncle Petry.

[GASPS]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[COUGHING]

I thought you were dead.

Hang on. Okay.
We're almost there.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

What took you so long?

Stopped for an Orange Julius.

Relax, Danny.
You can't kill the dead.

That's not funny.
He can hardly talk.

[SIGHS]
Sounds like a blessing.

Let's see what's happening here.

Oh my God.

Really?

I hate to be the one
to have to tell you this

but unfortunately,

he's gonna live.

Where does it hurt?

Between my back and my legs.

Huh! Sounds like
brain damage to me.

Well, since you're taking
this vacation,

what do you suggest we do?

Um, the old lady's willingto pay two Gs for the Mercedes.

Why don't you grab it?

-That it?
-Hmm...

I think the Yankee butter trickwould be very nice.

Sounds like sticky business
to me H.P.

-And, Max.
-What?

Would you teach her
how to do Bop Diddely?

-Check.
-Oh, good.

Okay. Get some rest.
Let's go, Danny.

Can you get it?

Like I can get ugly girls.

Don't talk like that, Max.

Why not?
I like ugly girls.

They try harder.

Oh, Max.

Got the gooey stuff?

[DOORBELL RINGING]

SKEETER: What is it?

DANIELLE: Hi.

Who are you?

DANIELLE: I'm Danielle.

My uncle said you guys
are a bunch of phonies.

And he said thanks for
the really nice car.

And...

that's Bop Diddely sat here.

CLAPPER:
Hey, you what's going on here?

-[GRUNTS]
-DANIELLE: You rat.

So long suckers.

SKEETER:
She's stealing Peter's car.

-Well, let's go after her.
-She's stealing Peter's car.

We'll, come on get it.
Come on boys

DANIELLE: Come on guys.

STINSON:
Hey, come on, stop her!

Get her!

Come on, come on!

We'll be waiting
at the corner.

Yahoo!

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]

[SCREAMS] What the hell?

ALL: [GROANING]

-Ow!
-[SIGHS]

Ain't this the shits.

Nope, its honey.

Oh, you God damn fool.

[LAUGHING]

I was right there.

I got a great idea.

Yes.

-[INDISTINCT]
-Nope. No, you're not.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey Max, what are you doing?

[BEEPS]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Now, you need a nice dress
what about this place?

No? Come on.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Petry and Petry
detective services.

How may we--

hello?

This is Henrietta Cable.

Who am I speaking with please?

Is this Mr. Harold Petry?

Yes, it is.

New York. What school?

Yes, she's here.

Yes, I can understand how upset you must be.

I know exactly how she is.
Yes, I do.

Her parents are where?

Well, they're in Europe.

I thought they were dead.

How Hollywood and not
a very funny joke, Mr. Petry.

You're right not very funny
at all.

Danielle must be returned
to the custody of the school

immediately, Mr. Petry.

Otherwise, we will have to take

whatever legal means are necessary

in order to protect ourselves.

-Come on.
-Oh, okay.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

I want her on that flight
and I'll meet the plane,

do you understand me,
Mr. Petry?

HARRY: Understood.

-Are we clear?-I said I understood, didn't I?

[LAUGHTER]

No wonder
she ran away from school.

Yes, thank you very much.

Bitch.

Will you marry me?

-Uncle Max.
-I'm serious.

I have a thing
for pretty young girls.

I thought you said
you liked ugly girls.

Well, you're so beautiful
that I changed my mind.

How old are you?

Fifteen?

Sorry too old.

[LAUGHS]

So what am I feeling bad about?

They are right there
in Europe.

MISS CABLE: After all, this could be considered

a kidnapping. She is a minor and a runaway.

Hey, guess what I found?

Uh-oh.

Uncle Petry.

You're booked on
Pan Am 181 6:00.

Miss Cable will be there
in New York when you get in.

No, Uncle Petry, please.

You'd better hurry
or you'll miss your flight.

What's going on here, H.P.?

Please, Uncle Petry.

Your parents are fine.

They're in Europe some place.

But you promised.

Promised what?

To take me dancing.

You called me a liar.

I didn't lie.
I just said they were gone.

They're always gone.

Well, the promise is off.

You're going back tonight.

[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]

I hope you're happy.

Don't you know how much
that little girl likes you?

HARRY: It's about time
I got back to my own life.

Get her to the airport, Max.

Tickets at the desk.

-Uncle Petry.
-Goodbye kid.

Sorry all this had to happen
on your birthday.

How'd you know
it was my birthday?

I didn't even tell, Max.

Miss Cable mentioned it.

Take the hat if you like.

Oh.

We women don't really care
about birthdays too much.

Yeah, you're getting up there
pretty soon,

you're going to have to stop
counting.

Give me a call
in a week or two.

Maybe we'll have you out atChristmas for a couple of days.

-You mean it?
-Sure.

I'll steal a tree
or something.

Do I really have to go now?

Yeah, I promised Miss Cable.

MAX: Harry?

Max, it's out of my hands.
Would you please take her?

It's her birthday dammit.

All right come on, kid.

Let's go. And it's better
to leave the place

than stay when you're not
wanted, don't you think?

Let's go let's go.

Please Uncle Petry.

Remember your Bop Diddely.

Thanks for everything.
I'm sorry I lied.

It's all right. There's nothingto be sorry about.

I understand everything.

Uncle Petry stop drinking,
please--

Come on kid.
Let's go, waste no time.

I'll marry you Uncle Max,
honest I will.

All right, all right,
let's go.

I gotta stay.

I got to.

I love you Uncle Petry,

-MAX: Let's go kid.
-DANIELLE: I love you.

Now, what are you going to do
for Christmas?

Beat up Santa Claus? The girldove into water she can't swim.

Would you please
get out of here Max?

You got it, champ.

I love you Uncle Petry.

I love you.

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

[CAR ENGINE TURNING OVER]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

HARRY: Nice going, speed.

You didn't give her a hug,

didn't let her know you cared.

Nice!

I'm a lot taller than Humphrey Bogart.

Don't tell me how I feel about Candy.

I'm putting myself at service to the universe

which is love.

I probably deserve that one.

I told her about the butterflies, didn't I?

What do you think, ether was forever?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

HARRY: No wonder I only charge five bucks.

And should been give a change.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Just like always,

you stand up

and keep on going.

That's it.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Candy, I'm getting real tired
of talking to this machine

but, if you get this message

and you're in the mood,

I'm going down to the joint and I sort a feel like, uh...

dance a little.

Where is everybody?

You're real early.

PAUL:
Petry, all dressed up.

Special night?

Can I play something special
for you?

Pick it, Paul.

PAUL: Leave it to me

[PIANO PLAYING]

BARTENDER: J.D. rocks.

No, ginger ale and rocks.

BARTENDER:
I don't believe it.

Neither do I.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

We've got a birthday request
and here it comes.

Whose birthday is it?

BARTENDER: [INDISTINCT]

Well, send him a drink anyway.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

All right, it says here,

you're kidding,
another birthday.

And a very unusual request
comes with it.

The young lady is
[CLEARS THROAT]

years old today.

And now listen to this,

she challenges her uncle
to dance with her.

Wow. I like that.

Let's see what happens here.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, what if he refuses me?

I'll buy you 16 gorillas.

That's pretty dumb, Max.

Go on.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

You drinking?

None of your business.

You leaving?

I got my ticket,
it's good for a while.

You want to lead first?

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Downstairs at Danny's all-star joint ♪

♪ They got a juke box that goes doyt-doyt ♪

♪ The vice is nicethey stay in the back all day ♪

♪ But when the nighttime comes ♪

♪ Hey-hey, there's this cat down there ♪

♪ That makes a bad kinda soup ♪

♪ I come around struttin' my luck in my shoop coupe ♪

♪ Cecil gives me coffee

♪ And he won't never take my coin ♪

♪ I say, "I got thirty dollars in my pocket! ♪

♪ Whatchoo doin'?"

♪ I holler, "Come on, Cecil, take a dollar! ♪

♪ Come on, Cecil, take a ten! ♪

-She'll miss her plane.
-♪ I've finally geared up

♪ Into a whole buncha big ones ♪

♪ And you're actin' like I'm down-shiftin'"♪

♪ He knows all the under-riders on the boulevard ♪

♪ They got to barefoot cruise when it's forty-weight hard ♪

♪ They look particularly dead-beat ♪

♪ Permanently pale

♪ Cecil picks up his butcher knife ♪

♪ And he waves it at the jail ♪

♪ The kid say, "I ain't got no dough, Joe ♪

♪ I just want some OJ"

♪ I said, "Don't look at me" ♪

♪ Cuz he was lookin' my way

♪ Cecil wink upon him

♪ Some juice and some green

♪ And the kid walks over and puts the quarter ♪

♪ In the pinball machine

♪ And he says, "Come on, Cec, gimme a dollar ♪

♪ Come on Cecil gimme five

♪ I'm in a halfway house on a one-way street ♪

♪ And I'm a quarter past left alive" ♪

Where did you learn to dance?

DANIELLE: Dunno.

Did you ever dance with mom?

Many times.

That's what I thought.

♪ He can talk about your people in a wonderful way ♪

♪ He can talk about your people 'til your hair turns gray ♪

♪ Your sister's into mustard

♪ She loves to walk the pub

♪ She likes the pickles and the relish ♪

♪ She never gets enough

-DANIELLE: Guess what?
-What?

-Guess what?
-What?

She's staying, huh?

She's staying?

[BELL DINGS]

HARRY: And that's the way it all turned out.

Danny stayed of course.

She goes to Hollywood High

and now, she wants to be an actress.

Max will next be seen ruining Divorce Court.

And Candy and I, we're still dancing,

I guess I owe Cupid an apology.

♪ Oh, what an ending

♪ It's really just begun

♪ Life sure ain't what you thought ♪

♪ Busy pretending they don't need anyone ♪

♪ Now, you'll find, you've got ♪

♪ A whole new future than you have ever planned ♪

♪ You fallen in love

♪ You're a family man

♪ All of the clues were there for you to see ♪

♪ And the one who done it was you ♪

♪ Blues may come and go

♪ But one thing I know

♪ As long as you have love, you can defeat them ♪

♪ One thing is clear now

♪ Your baby's here

♪ Now your dreams will always be sweet ♪

♪ Harry and Candy are still dancing ♪

♪ Somewhere moving to the beat ♪

♪ Of that downtown rhythm

♪ On Good Dream Street

♪ He's got a family

♪ And he's found his happy ending now ♪

[HUMMING]

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Blues may come and go

♪ But one thing I know

♪ As long as long as you have love ♪

♪ You can do defeat them

♪ You thought that you were played out ♪

♪ but this time you've made out ♪

♪ Now, all of your dreams will be sweet ♪

♪ Hollywood Harry

[LAUGHS]

♪ Life sure can be rough

♪ But there's been a brand new ♪

♪ Change in your luck

♪ You don't have to pretend

♪ You found your happy ending ♪

♪ Now

[HUMMING]