Hollywood Boulevard (1976) - full transcript

(fanfare music)

(airplane engine rumbling)

- Well, things are
looking up I see.

(dramatic music)

- Here they come.

Scotty, start the camera.

- These Raging Loins, take one.

- [Mary] Which one is my double?

- [Erich] That one, the
one in blue, Susan Slade.

She's pretty good too.

- [Mary] Maybe so, but
she's not the star.



- [Erich] You're the star, Mary.

- [Mary] I'm glad
you remembered.

- [Erich] How could I forget?

- I mean, time too.

I mean, this stunt is
costing me a fortune!

- This is going
to be the greatest

sky diving sequence I
have ever directed, P.G.

- And your first.

- We could have
done it with models.

Listen, remind me,
I wanna pop up some

more laughs in that
crucifixion scene, or more sex.

- [Erich] Well,
which is it gonna be?

- Uh, more sex.

It's cheaper.



Susan, her chute's not opening!

- Keep shooting.

(Susan screaming)

(Susan thudding)

Cut.

(gasping)

(dramatic music)

Oh, what a terrible thing.

- Holy shit.

- Thank God it was the
last shot in the picture.

- Listen, P.G., I
hate to bring this up

at a time like this,
but we're gonna need

another stunt girl
for Queen of the Mob.

You know, we start
shooting next Tuesday.

- Don't worry!

Listen, there are plenty
of girls in Hollywood

who would die at the
chance to make a picture.

(laughing)

You know what I mean.

Look, these kids
are a dime a dozen!

There's another one
where she came from.

(pleasant music)

♪ The city lights
are twinkling ♪

♪ The sun is slowly sinking

♪ Shadows are getting long

♪ Goodbye Today

♪ Here's tonight, and below me

♪ The neon signs are show me

♪ Indiana is so far far away

♪ Can I play that
precious part ♪

♪ In this world of fantasy

♪ Will I ever be a star?

♪ Will the billboards
shine for me? ♪

♪ Hello cold and empty nights

♪ Hello long and uphill fights

♪ Hello Hollywood

♪ When I was young the
silver screen would show ♪

♪ All those things that
made a girls heart glow ♪

♪ As my heroes loved
and died just for me ♪

♪ Did all the stars
shine so bright ♪

♪ Would a rainbow
of guiding light ♪

♪ Lead me to the
doorstep of my dreams ♪

♪ The highway to the stars
is a rough and rocky road ♪

♪ By the side lay the
careers of those ♪

♪ Who couldn't pull their load

♪ Hello honest folks and fakes

♪ Hello good and bad mistakes

♪ Hello Hollywood

♪ Can I play that
precious part ♪

♪ In this world of fantasy

♪ Will I ever be a star?

♪ Will the billboards
shine for me? ♪

♪ Hello cold and empty nights

♪ Hello long and uphill fights

♪ Hello Hollywood

- It's a nudie picture
with a $2000 budget.

No script, a 10 hour
shooting schedule,

and it opens in 22 cities
at the end of the week.

You want it or don't ya?

Hold on.

- I sure hope you're
sandwich girl, sweetheart.

- No, I'm Candy Hope.

- Change it.

- Change what?

- [Walter] You're name!

- What for?

- This is Hollywood,
we change everything.

We have to.

Let's see, how about
January Wednesday?

No, you don't look
like a Wednesday.

- I like my name.

I mean, most people call
me by it all the time.

- You ever do any belly dancing?

- No.

- [Walter] High-wire work?

- No.

- [Walter] Can you
give a Swedish massage?

- No.

- You're an actress.

Well you came to the
right place, kid.

- Oh, did I?

- Sure, I know what you
kids are up against.

Can't get a job without
being in the union,

you can't get in the
union without a job.

Can't get an agent
without experience,

you can't get work
without an agent.

Well you just got
yourself an agent.

- Oh, Mr. Paisley, really?

(phone ringing)

- Yeah, now let me know as
soon as you get yourself a job.

Paisley.

You got a what?

A Mexican donkey act?

It tap dances too?

Okay, get your ass over here.

You're still here?

- Mr. Paisley, how
do I get a job?

- How should I know,
I'm just an agent.

Look, alright.

Walk around town, be seen.

Lana Turner was discovered
in a drug store.

Jean Harlow under the
Santa Monica Pier.

- You mean all I have to
do is walk out somewhere

and someone's just
gonna come up to me and?

- Sure.

This town is crawling
with producers,

casting directors,
little things, you know.

You come back in a couple days,

let me know how you're doing.

(phone buzzing)

Paisley.

What?

Bimbo the Elephant is
signing with another agent?

For Christ's sakes, why?

That was three years ago!

Doesn't that bum elephant
ever forget anything?

(lively banjo music)

- Oh, excuse me.

- No, no, go ahead.

No, go ahead, I was just gonna
glance at the casting calls.

- Oh, that's funny, so was I.

- You must be an actress.

- Well, I'm trying to be one.

- That puts us in the same boat,

so let's read the same copy.

Hi, my name is Duke.

- Hi, I'm Candy.

There doesn't seem to be a
whole lot in there, does there?

- There never is.

Hey, but you know,
I'm doin' a film

and there's a part that would
be perfect for you in it.

- Really?

- Yeah, the director's a
real good friend of mine,

and it's a terrific part.

It's kind of a modern day
Bonnie and Clyde film.

Ah, but nah, I guess
it wouldn't work.

- Well, why not?

- Well, it's a real
low budget picture,

you know what I mean?

And they're gonna need a girl
that can supply her own car,

so I guess that let's you--

- Oh, but I have a
car, I have a car!

- Do ya?

- Yeah, this one right here.

This is mine.

Oh, do you think I could
really get the part?

- Kid, you're a shoe in!

- You know, it's just
like Mr. Paisley said.

One minute you're a
nobody makin' the rounds--

- Stick 'em up!

(laughing)

- Oh, you look scary, scary.

How do you think I look?

- You look beautiful.

Perfect!

Now for the final touch.

- Oh, but I can't put this
over my gorgeous makeup!

- My friend likes realism.

If you're gonna be
a getaway driver,

you have to wear a mask.

- Oh, sure, of course,
if the part demands it.

- Hey, Candy, this here's Rico.

- Hello!

- Pleased to meet ya.

- Hey what are you guys
doing down there, anyway?

- Realism, honey, realism.

- Oh, this is my first film.

I guess you guys have
been in a lot, huh?

- Yeah, I've been
in for 15 years.

- What he means is we've been
in the business a long time.

Come on, come on,
let's get a move on.

- [Candy] I'm so excited.

I mean, just coming out
here from Indianapolis

and getting a real part
in a movie just like that.

Oh, Los Angeles is
such a wonderful place.

- [Duke] Uh-huh.

There it is.

Just pull up to
the bank and wait.

- But, um, I don't
see the camera.

- That's the point.

It's a hidden camera.

- [Radio Announcer]
Mary McQueen and Bimbo,

together again in
Elephant Girls in Bondage.

Industrial waste turned
her from a youth leader

into a rampaging rogue elephant!

- [Man] Look out!

- [Radio Announcer] An elephant
movie you'll never forget,

says Ron Kline, Long Park Times.

Break her into giant
chunks, says Pierre Gonlove.

Elephant Girls in Bondage.

(bank alarm ringing)

(pistols booming)

(screaming)

- Was that the first take?

- Huh?

Oh yeah, yeah, let's go.

- But what about my close up?

(pistol booming)

- (screaming) What
kinda movie is this?

- Okay now, peel out.

- Okay, okay, geez.

(tires squealing)

(lively banjo music)

(siren wailing)

- [Duke] Cop on our tail.

Lose him.

(tires squealing)

Not bad.

Okay, pull off the road.

(tires squealing)

- [Candy] Oh, where are we?

Where do I go?

- [Duke] Anywhere, I don't care.

Just stop before you kill us.

Okay, I'll split the loot
and meet ya at the motel.

- [Rico] Okay, sure.

- [Candy] Oh, look, I don't
mind walking, you know,

if you wanna let me out here.

- [Duke] Hey, that
sucker took the loot!

- [Candy] What?

(pistol booming)

- Come on, get going.

(lively music)

(laughing)

(gasping)

- Is this the end of Rico?

(guns booming)
(bullets whining)

- Just ram right through 'em.

- What?

(tires squealing)

Ooh!

(fire roaring)

- I'll be damned, we lost them.

You know, you might
have a future in this--

(tires squealing)
(glass clinking)

(lively music)

- Well, maybe you learned
yourself an important lesson.

- You bet.

Don't trust strangers
in this town.

- Wrong!

You don't take a job unless
you check with your agent.

I would have got you a
cut of the take, at least.

- I feel lucky just to be alive
and sitting here, right now!

- Alive?

Hey, maybe we can turn this
into something good, like a job.

(phone ringing)

Hello.

You want an Amazon girl
and a giant python.

Hold on a sec.

Hey.
(snake hissing)

How tall are you?

- Uh, 5'4".

- Ah.

Hey listen, I ain't got
one, but I got a midget lady

who does a great
act with a worm.

Right!

Hang on, shorty, I'm
still working for you.

Stay away from my hamburger.

(phone dinging)

P.G., Paisley.

Yeah, hey you still
looking for a stunt girl?

Well I just happen to
have the greatest little

stunt driver in town
sitting right opposite me.

Right, I'll send her right over.

You're all set.

- A stunt driver?

Look, I can't do--

- Hey, hey, you do just
what you did yesterday.

Forget it's a movie.

- A movie?

- Yeah.

That was P.G., Miracle Pictures.

They had a little
accident on the set

and they need a
replacement in a hurry.

- Do you think that it
could lead to a real part?

I mean, a real, real part?

- They make a picture a week.

You do well, you're
working steady.

- Okay, I'll try
it, I'll try it.

- That's my girl.

Hey, this is where
they're shooting.

Take the LaPointe off-ramp,
the Slawson cut-off,

hang a right at Big Boy's,
and it's under the underpass.

Good luck, kid.

Here, wrap yourself
around a burger.

Wanna bite, no?

It's good.

(triumphant music)

- Uh, excuse me?

- Mhmm?

- Is this Miracle Pictures?

- Sure is.

If it's a good picture,
it's a miracle.

It's a gonna be a miracle
if I can write this scene.

They have me writing this scene

about this guy and this girl,

they meet, they've never
seen each other before,

and bingo, bango,
they're in love.

Hello, I'm Patrick.

Can I help you?

- Yeah hi, I'm Candy.

Walter Paisley sent me
over from his office.

- Oh, you want
Erich, our director.

Come on.

Want a souvenir?

- Yeah!

(faint speaking)

- I'm concerned about the
way this scene's been going.

Something is working there,

but a lot of the meaning
is going out the window.

I want this line to
express the whole thing.

A childhood of lonely
days and hungry nights,

of breadlines and soup kitchens,

and a little girl's
broken, pathetic, dreams.

Let's hear it.

- Your money or your life.

- No, no, no.

Your money or your life.

- Your money or your life.

- No, no.

Feeling, Mary, your
money or your life.

- Your money or your life.

- Terrible, Mary--

- Your money or your life!

- Magnificent, wonderful!

- Erich, Erich, this is Candy.

Paisley sent her.

- Ah, the new stunt
girl, terrific.

- No, actually, I'm an actress.

- An actress, oh my.

Is that your portfolio?

- Lighten up, Mary.

- Hey P.G.!

All the girls are here to
audition for the nude scene.

(slinky music)

- No time to strip,
time is money!

(slinky music)

Scotty, where's
my casting couch?

- Uh, in the truck.

- In the truck.

Okay, you and you, come with me.

The rest of you stick
there, I'll be right back.

Scotty, keep 'em wet.

- Yeah.

- Now let me tell you about
this scene, it's very simple.

You get into the Model T,
you drive down the road,

up the ramp, flip
over, and crash.

- Ah, nothing to it.

- Now the hard part,
your motivation.

In this scene, your
motivation is to be--

- To stay alive.

We buried our last
stunt girl on Saturday.

Good luck, sweetheart.

- You nervous?

- I'm very nervous, woo.

- You'll do fine.

Break a leg!

I didn't mean that.

- Alright, Candy,
Scotty, ready and action!

(lively music)

(cheering)

- I did the same stunt
in Machine Gun Molly,

it's really very simple.

- You're a real pro!

Been at it long?

- Are you kidding?

I have never driven a
car in front of film

or anything before
in my whole life.

- You're kidding?

You mean you're a
stranger to the charms

of Southern California?

- [Candy] The charms?

The charms, totally.

- This is a fantasy come true!

Hey, how would you like
to be swept off your feet?

Introduced to good
food, thrilling music,

and fascinating people?

- I'm at your service.

(birds chirping)

(upbeat music)

♪ Everybody's dancin',
truckin', truckin' ♪

♪ Everybody's swinging
and fucking, fucking ♪

♪ Truckin', truckin',
fuckin', fuckin' ♪

♪ Everybody's doin' it now

♪ You can see 'em dancin',
truckin', truckin' ♪

♪ You can see 'em swinging
and fucking, fucking ♪

♪ Truckin', truckin',
fuckin', fuckin' ♪

♪ Everybody's doin' it now

♪ Well down in Berkeley
on the street ♪

♪ You can hear
those dancin' feet ♪

♪ See the people
everywhere they go ♪

♪ We can see 'em
singin' hidey hidey ho ♪

♪ Everybody's dancing
and truckin', truckin' ♪

♪ Everybody's swinging
and fucking, fucking ♪

♪ Truckin', truckin',
fuckin', fuckin' ♪

♪ Everybody's doin' it now

♪ Oh everybody's dancing
and truckin', truckin' ♪

♪ Everybody's swinging
and fuckin', fuckin' ♪

♪ Truckin', truckin',
fuckin', fuckin' ♪

♪ Everybody's doin' it now

♪ Yeah

♪ You can see 'em dancing
and truckin', truckin' ♪

♪ You can see 'em swingin'
and fuckin', fuckin' ♪

♪ Truckin', truckin',
fuckin', fuckin' ♪

♪ Everybody's doin' it now

♪ Well down in Berkeley
on the street ♪

♪ You can hear
those dancing feet ♪

♪ You see the people
everywhere they go ♪

♪ You can see 'em
singing hidey hidey ho ♪

♪ Everybody's dancin'
and truckin', truckin' ♪

♪ Everybody's swingin'
and fuckin', fuckin' ♪

♪ Truckin', truckin',
fuckin', fuckin' ♪

♪ Everybody's doin' it now

♪ Everybody's doin' it now

(giggling)

(cheering)

- [Man] Rip her heart out!

(crowd shouting and cheering)

- [Jill] Boy, anybody'd
think you didn't like

being a roller derby star.

- [Bobbi] Shit, Jill, my
body's just one big bruise.

- [Jill] I know a lot of
guys who dig that look.

- [Bobbi] Every time
I shack up with a guy

he wants to call an ambulance.

If I don't make the move
now I'm gonna end up going

around in circles for
the rest of my life.

- [Jill] Make the move to what?

- [Bobbi] Well,
I've been thinkin'

about your racket, movies.

- You know anything about it?

- No, but what'd you know
when you got started?

- Not much, you don't need
to know much being an extra.

Except how to screw
around and spend money,

and that's what it's all about.

- Okay, well then the way I
figure it's just another fake.

I mean, I've been throwing
derby's for years,

and I'm not in jail yet.

I already deserve
an academy award.

- Okay, so I'll introduce
you to my agent.

- Great, that's all I need.

Then it's just a matter of
me ballin' my way to the top.

(gun booming)

I mean, you know,
swimming pools,

and fancy clothes,
and fast cars.

Then I'd be a really
Hollywood genuine star.

- Can I have your autograph?

- Sure, kid.

What's your name?

- [David] David.

- Okay, David.

There you go.

- Here's what I think
of the Avengers.

- I could sure dig meeting
a better class of people.

- A bearded lady?

Hold on.

Bruno, you still
sportin' whiskers?

Good.

Get yourself down to
Ferg's of Hollywood,

buy yourself a pair of tits.

You're on!

Hold on, Harry.

Girls, I called you all here

to offer you a
glorious opportunity.

- Look out.

- It is not only a paid
vacation to a tropical paradise,

it is not only leading roles
in a major motion picture--

- It's a way for Walter
to make an extra buck.

- It is Machete
Maidens of Mora Tau,

Miracle Pictures
new super spectacle

shot entirely in
the Philippines!

It's a great script, feel how
much that weighs, huh, huh?

- I did this picture
already, three times.

Sorry, Walter.

- Oh, there's a dedicated girl.

- Walter, if it's a
part, I mean a part part,

I will go anywhere for a part.

- Shit, I'll go.

I've never been out of the
country except Tijuana.

- If you go, I'll go.

Let's do it.

- Great!

Well, that's three of you.

Uh, Candy, you can play
Mary's part, that's the lead.

- Okay, Walter,
where's the ticket.

- All set.

(jet engines rumbling)

(jungle birds hooting)
(war drums booming)

- [Jill] Jesus, where are we?

- Ouch!

God dammit, I'm infested!

Tropical paradise, I'm gonna
ring fucking Paisley's neck.

- Feels like summer
in Atlantic City.

- [Candy] Wow, what a big bug!

- [Mary] Bug,
where, where, where?

Is it on me, is it on me?

Where?

- (gasping) Oh.

- Cut!

Well, you ruined the shot,
but at least you're here.

Scotty.

You're just in time
for your first shot.

- Oh, what do we do?

- Oh, it's a delightful scene.

You four girls massacre
300 Asiatic soldiers.

Now your motivation,
very important,

is to massacre 300
Asiatic soldiers.

(guns booming)

(screaming)

Explosions!

(explosions booming)
(screaming)

(guns booming)
(explosions booming)

Dull, dull, dull!

I want action!

(explosion booming)
(screaming)

(dramatic music)

(guns booming)

(screaming)

(guns booming)

(explosion booming)

(guns booming)

Scotty, the blood looks phony.

(guns booming)

(explosion booming)

Alright, break for lunch!

(pig snorting)

(jungle birds hooting)

- What?

- It's the same old plot,
of course it's boring!

Erich, think of the
dramatic realism

if Candy, Bobbi, and
Jill's characters

get killed off in
the third reel.

First the audience feels lost,
and then they feel anger,

and then they feel
hatred, real hatred.

- I don't know, Mary,
it sounds a little far--

- It's me left alone,
the desperate woman bit.

Now Erich, you know that I am

not angling for a larger part.

That's the furthest
thing from my mind.

I'm thinking of the emotion,
me against the jungle,

me against the sadistic natives,

me against the quicksand,
the flowers, the banana.

- Mary, Mary, that's just silly.

- It's not silly, it's
the human condition!

- Mary, this is not a film
about the human condition.

This is a film
about tits and ass.

- Erich, when are you
gonna realize that I am--

- It sounds like Mary is
cooking up a re-write for you.

- She tries that
stunt every film.

But what the hell.

I mean, when they gave me
this assignment two weeks ago

it was about Eskimo women
battling dinosaurs in Alaska.

- Yeah, so what happened?

- Well, they couldn't
get any young maidens

to freeze their tits
off at 20 below!

- You know, you're not
born with dedication

and discipline, you
have to learn it.

Fucking saddled with
fucking amateurs.

- Ready for the scene where
the dogs chase Mary, boss.

- Yeah, yeah, bring 'em in.

- Now, wait a minute!

I wanna meet the dogs and
I want the dog biscuits.

- You wanna meet the dogs?

- Yes.
- Dog biscuits.

- There is mommy's
cutesy itsy bitsy babies.

Come on, honey, come on--

(dogs barking)

You're crazy.

You're crazy if you think I'm

getting near those
viscous beasts.

- What, your itty witty babies?

- Yes, what about
your professionalism,

what about your dedication,
what about your discipline?

- Blow it out your ass!

(dogs barking)

(war drums booming)

- Now Candy, this scene
is an actress' dream.

You get raped by five lust
crazed rebel soldiers.

You struggle, scratch,
you fight, to no avail.

It'll be the most sensual
scene of sexual depravity

ever to be seen on the screen.

And we have to get
it all in one take.

Ready?

Action.

(men growling)
(Candy squeaking)

Soldiers, more action.

That's it, more passion.

Candy dear, this is a
rape, not a gang-bang.

- (squeaking) Ow, stop!

- No teeth!

More excitement.

- No! (screaming)

- Good, nice, more of that.

Yeah.

(screaming)
(Erich humming)

Okay, I think we've got it.

Cut.

(screaming)

Cut!

(men laughing)
(clothes ripping)

Boys, cut.

(screaming)

- Get outta there!
- Enough guys.

Get off the star!

- Fellas, please, cut.
- Get off of her!

(crying)

Oh, Candy.

Get off the star!

- Nobody listens to me.

(crying)

Now Bobbi, this is
your big moment.

You have the line that sums
up the entire inner meaning,

the core, the essence
of the entire film.

Are you ready?

Alright, action.

- Now get it up,
or I'll cut it off!

- Cut!

Fantastic!

Oh, such realism, such feeling!

This is gonna be my best picture

since Bad Girls in Boystown!

- Geez, did you do that?

(laughing)

(war drums beating)

(snake hissing)

(moaning)

(snake hissing)

(screaming)

(shouting in foreign language)

- Well if I didn't
feel like a real

Hollywood type before, I do now.

- Kinda cozy, isn't it?

- Was anybody sleepy?

Or shall we have a three
way career conference?

(giggling)

(moaning)

I'm gonna make you
a big star, baby.

And you too.

A big, big, big star.

(war drums booming)

- Well, the game plan's working.

G.P. already offered me
a part in his next film.

- P.G., not G.P.

- Whatever.

(singing in foreign language)

- You gave him quite
an audition last night.

- Well, it's the sort of part

I can really sink my teeth into.

- I don't know.

I mean, do you really think
that's how you become a star?

- Look, I'm not
gonna be in P.G.'s

home movies the rest of my life.

This is sort of just
a temporary layover,

if you get the drift.

- No, I don't know.

They never told me about any
of that stuff in drama school.

- Look, movie guys
are all the same.

All they care about
are tits and ass.

- So what are we,
actresses or hookers?

I mean, really, geez!

- I don't give a damn what
I am as long as I'm a star.

- Doin' it with
one guy is great,

but when the whole world is
watching it's such a rush!

I want guys lying away at
night thinking about me.

Guys I don't even know.

- Yeah, well now that's
like being a star.

(sneezing)

Get outta here, you creep!

If they wanna see it,
let 'em buy a ticket.

- Alright, one more time.

And action!

- Come on, big boy,
help me get away.

(insect buzzing)

I'll be good to you.

I know how to treat man.

I'm in heat and
I'm horny as hell!

Got the bastard.

- [Erich] Cut, that's
not in the script!

- Fuck the script, I'm
being eaten alive here!

- [Erich] Scotty, would you
do something about these bugs?

- [Scotty] Working on it, boss!

- [Erich] Alright,
let's try it again.

- [Assistant] Rolling,
speed, scene six take two.

- [Erich] And action!

- Come on, big boy,
help me get away.

I'll be good to you.

- [Erich] Cut, cut!

Scotty, would you get
the hell outta there!

Jesus, go set up the next shot.

Put the jewel encrusted Buddha
on the sacrificial altar.

- [Assistant] Rolling,
speed, take three.

- [Erich] Alright, and action.

- Come on, handsome,
help me to escape.

I'll be good to you.

(metal crashing)

- [Erich] Cut!

God dammit, Scotty!

- Excuse me while I write
Buddha out of the picture.

- That does it, that
is the last straw!

P.G., we've got to fire Scotty!

- What?

Look, his clumsiness
is saving us

from shooting 15
pages of each script.

He's saving me a fortune!

Fire him, I'll fire you.

- It's lack of concentration.

If you had a
professional actress

instead of some
professional slut,

a bunch of flies
wouldn't bother her!

- Lay off, Mary, Jill's
a friend of mine.

- You know, you
starlets are all alike.

You get your boobs in
front of the camera

and you're ready to jump into

the cement at Grauman's Chinese.

- Listen, Miss Garbo, I saw
you in Brain from Planet X,

and the only way you'll ever get

your footprints in
front of Grauman's

is if you're sitting on the curb

and a bus runs over your feet!

- How 'bout my foot
in your mouth, honey?

- Actresses, I hate them.

You're cattle!

You put me behind schedule,
you ruin my atmosphere,

you drive me crazy!

But my films, my films
will outlive all of you.

(explosions booming)

(screaming)

(guns booming)

(screaming)

(explosion booming)

(guns booming)

(screaming)

(guns booming)

- Cut!

Terrific!

Fabulous!

Jill, what a performance.

That look, that realism.

Total reality, Jill, you, Jill?

Jill?

- She's dead, for real!

- My God, this is
terrible, this is tragedy!

How am I going to
get my close up?

- Your close up, is
that all you care about?

- You're right, this should make

us all ponder deeper questions.

Art and reality, where does
one end and the other begin?

- Oh, for Christ's sake, Erich.

- Isn't anyone
gonna call the cops?

- Honey, this is the
Philippines, there are no cops.

- It wouldn't do any good, baby.

I mean, everybody
was running around

firing like mad, you know?

- He's right.

The bullet could have
come from anywhere.

- I've never seen
anyone dead before.

(melancholy music)

- Well, might as well pack up.

Scotty, cut the lights.

- [Scotty] Working on it!

- It's one of those
terrible accidents.

- You mean, another one!

- Let it out.

(crickets chirping)

(melancholy music)

♪ I'm so alone I have to cry

♪ The world turns cruel
and cold outside ♪

♪ And I've come to my
turning point at last ♪

♪ Where I turn and run away

♪ Or can I find
the will to stay ♪

♪ And see what part
my destiny has cast ♪

(horn honking)

- Hi!

- Hi, Walter!

- Well, you all ready
for the big day?

- I'm ready, I'm
willing, I'm so nervous!

- Well, listen, that's natural.

World premiere, your first
picture, it's only natural.

Come on, climb in.

No, no, no, climb in.

- Oh, oh.

- Walter, wait a minute!

- [Candy] Wow, Walter,
what a neat car.

- [Walter] Yeah, it's
a Rolls Canardly.

- [Candy] A Rolls Canardly?

- [Walter] Yeah, it
rolls down one hill

and can hardly get up the next!

- [Patrick] Walter.

(lighthearted music)

Walter, you sure you
know where this place is?

- [Walter] Are you kidding?

My favorite client's
world premiere?

Let's see, it's the
Hollywood Freeway north

to the Ventura Freeway west,
through the Calabasas cutoff,

to the San Diego Freeway south,

to the Santa Monica Freeway
east, and there you are.

- [Candy] Where are you?

- [Walter] On the Pasadena
Freeway, where else?

- [Candy] I thought it was a
left at the Tarzana turnoff?

- [Walter] Left or right,
what's the difference?

We're lost!

- [Candy] Walter!

(lively music)

- [Walter] What did I
tell ya, there it is!

- [Candy] World Premiere, huh?

- [Walter] Okay, so it
played three days in Manila.

(thunder booming)

(ominous soundtrack music)

Okay, sit tight, I'll have
this thing together in a jiffy.

(thunder booming)

- [Patrick] Hey,
that's Boris Karloff.

(dramatic music)

(thunder booming)

- He now refuses to leave.

- Isn't that kid terrific?

- [Candy] Walter, that's you!

- Yeah, I used to be an actor.

Not bad, huh?

- Why'd you give it up?

- Well you know, I
had a lousy agent.

- How do you know
what harm he plans?

Do you want him wandering
around the castle?

Do you want him
down in the crypt?

- Enough.

The crypt is no
concern of yours.

(thunder booming)

- Walter, Walter, shit, you
coulda been somebody, really.

- I coulda been a contender.

(thunder booming)
(dramatic music)

- Walter, that
wasn't a sad movie.

- There must have been
50 people up there

and I didn't have
10% of any of 'em,

that's a sad movie.

- [Announcer] It's
intermission time.

Time for that scrumptious
array of tasty treats

waiting for you
at the snack bar,

where the popcorn's poppin',

the cold drinks are sparkling--

- You know you
guys, I really feel

like I could really
use a drink right now.

- Hey, that's why
you got an agent.

I've been to hundreds
of these premiere things

with my clients and I
always come prepared.

- Oh, Walter, you are a saint.

- Yeah.

- [Candy] Oh my God.

- I used to handle that
monster, but he moved to Japan.

- [Candy] (laughing) Ew!

What's that?

- [Patrick] I dunno, but
I think it's disgusting.

Kids see these pictures?

(eerie music)

- [Candy] What are they doing?

- [Patrick] I think
it's the monster mash.

- [Candy] That looks,
it looks like, they are.

Oh my God, they're doing it!

(moaning)

- [Walter] And not very well.

- [Announcer] Mmm, doesn't
this look delicious?

This is our submarine
meatball sandwich.

- Anybody hungry?

- Not anymore.

- [Candy] That's
not our film, is it?

- I used to handle
that meatball.

- Oh you did, really?

Well he's kinda cute.

He is sorta cute, you know?

In little round bouncy way.

(laughing)

- [Announcer] So what'll it
be, folks, cheese or sausage?

It's made with the original
crispy pizza crust.

Our exclusive pizza sauce.

A pinch of salt, a touch
of Parmesan grated cheese,

mozzarella cheese, a little
oregano, and presto, pizza!

- Oh, hey, we're next.

Excited?

- No, somehow this isn't quite

what I dreamt about in Indiana.

♪ Back home again, in Indiana

(fanfare music)

- Oh my God, there it is!

- Brace yourself.

- Oh, my first picture.

There's my name,
there's my name!

Oh, and there's Jill's, oh.

- This business breaks
your heart sometimes.

Her last picture.

- And a stinker.

(guns booming)

- An actor, ha!

Ugh, I can't take much
more of this stuff.

It's a bunch of baloney!

That's not the real me!

(guns booming)

Oh no, not the rape scene.

(screaming)

They promised not to use
that thing, they did!

Oh, oh, I can't look
at that anymore.

I can't watch this
anymore, hold this.

I'm gonna get that guy.

Let me out.

- It's okay, let her go.

Lots of people don't react
too well the first time

they see their face up
there on the big screen.

(screaming)
(dramatic music)

- Where is her face?

(screaming)

- This stuff is disgusting!

- Sick!

- How can they expect
people to swallow this muck?

John Wayne would never
make a picture like this.

- Sick.

- We're gonna get our money
back and we're gonna go home!

- Ah gee, Dad, can't we
wait until they plug her?

You know, a little of
that ol' in and out?

You know, a little
pussy pumping?

- Sick!

- [Candy] Please don't hurt me!

(screaming)

- Hey you, you!

Take it off!

Take it off!

Take it off!

Take it off!

(screaming)

(screaming)

(screaming)

- Depravity!

Filth!

This is worse than television!

- [Mother] Sick!

- [Candy] Please don't hurt me!

(whip cracking)

- [Woman] No, no!

(whip cracking)
(grunting)

- Hey, I'm getting
worried about Candy.

I mean, she's been gone
a pretty long time.

- She's alright.

She probably went
to get a hot dog.

- I dunno, Walter.

She was pretty loaded.

Let's look around.

You check the hot dog stand.

- Now wait a second.

I'll check the hot dog stand.

- No, Walter, you check
the hot dog stand!

- Okay, if you insist.

(screaming)

- Excuse me, I'm
looking for somebody.

- Come on in, big boy.

- I can't, I'm
looking for somebody.

How 'bout a rain check?

- Faggot!

- Dyke!

- Listen buddy, I
want my money back.

That's the most
depraved, revolting,

offensive, degenerate...

(screaming)

- [Man] Come on
girls, keep moving!

Let's shake a leg here!

(knocking on window)

- Excuse me, I was wondering--

(fist thumping)

- Turn that wheel faster!

Come on, you, faster, quick!

(screaming)

(car honking)

- Move your ass!

- Hey, fuck you, buddy!

I wrote this
picture, I can stand

in front of it if I want to!

Hey, hey, I'm sorry pal.

I didn't mean it,
I didn't mean it.

(guns booming)

(screaming)

(screaming)

- No, no!

(screaming)

- Hey!

What the hell are you doing?

Come on!

- No!

(film sizzling)

(crowd booing)

(yelling)

(fist thumping)

(car horns honking)

(grunting)

- Get off him!

(fist thumping)

(fist thumping)

- Hold it!

(grunting)

(distorted fanfare music)

- I love Hollywood!

(warbling music)

Ooh, I hate Hollywood.

- How do you feel?

- Shitty.

- I'll get you a drink.

- No, no, no, no.

- Well how 'bout a
couple of Valium?

- No, no, no, just rub
my neck right here.

(pleasant music)

Oh, that was awful.

- Take my word for it,
nobody will see this picture.

I oughta know, I've written
five others just like it.

- Why did I do this picture
if nobody was going to see it?

- Experience, and you
weren't bad at it.

And you're gonna be
better in the next one.

- The next one?

- Yeah, the 1950s thing.

P.G. has me working
on it already,

and you're gonna be in it.

I'm writing a terrific
part just for you.

- You know you are going to
have to speak with my agent.

(cascading music)

- Hi, so how's the genius?

How's the script coming?

- Hi, hi!

- Hi P.G., hi Bobbi!

(sinister music)

Well, I'm very glad
you guys are here

because I'm quietly
going insane.

- So he's been doing
his research, I see.

- Research?

We have been living in the
1950s for one entire week!

- Great!

I mean this is gonna be
the biggest picture yet.

I mean, the 50s
are really going.

Uh, yeah, so where
is he, already?

- Oh, he's in the pool house.

- [Bobbi] So what's he
do out there anyway?

- I don't know, it's
some secret little

special place he calls
his research room,

which is always locked
and I would love

to find out what
he does in there.

- Watch out!

Watch for laxatives
that foam, fizz,

fall apart in your stomach.

A laxative that
dissolves in your stomach

may cause nauseating
stomach upset.

As you can see, it's down
here where you need the help.

Not in the stomach,
but down here where

the lower digestive
system is stopped up.

That's why you need
Intestinex, the oral enema.

It quickly moves
past your stomach

and unblocks the
clogged passage ways.

Ah, there it goes now.

So watch out!

Watch out for laxatives
that foam, fizz,

fall apart in your stomach.

Get Intestinex, the
medical miracle of 1956.

The greatest health discovery
since the soft vaccine.

(eerie music)

- Hey, it's terrific!

The whole era is
beginning to gel for me.

- Great, gelled for everyone
else about 20 years ago!

- Hey P.G., you see this guy?

That's Mark Dentine, the
famous '50s movie star!

You wouldn't believe
it to look at him,

but his career is
still going downhill.

He was the hottest
thing in Hollywood

till Walter Paisley
started handling him.

He's my pool cleaner now.

Maybe we could use him.

- Mark Dentine in the...

Look, he's a wreck,
he's a drunk!

Pretty much all we
need, I'm thinking.

Let me think.

Wait a minute.

Listen, this old film stuff
is very interesting, you know?

But is that what
people wanna see?

I mean, it's dated.

- Of course it's
dated, it's the '50s!

- Right!

So how can we best
use the '50s angle

and still give the
people something new,

something exciting, something
they've never seen before?

- I give up.

- We'll do a little switch.

- No '50s movie.

- Wrong.

See that kind of
thinking shows why

you're only a writer,
not a big producer.

No, it's still gonna
be a '50s movie,

only not 1950, see, but 2050.

- What?

- The future!

(water splashing)

Everybody loves the future.

It's where we'll all be spending

the rest of our lives, right?

So give me futuristic
cars, give me violence,

give me boobs of the future,

and give me a script by Tuesday.

(gurgling)

Don't look so worried,
it'll kill 'em.

(dramatic music)

- Come on, big boy, take
me where I wanna go.

I really know how
to be good to a car.

You know, this stupid car has

all the best lines
in the whole movie!

- [Erich] Cut, cut!

Now let's try it once more
from, come on, big boy.

(melancholy harmonica music)

(buzzing)

- Buzz off!

(buzzing)

(buzzing)

- Gin.

- Gin?

You fucking annoying...

(buzzing)

- Yes Mike, I've done almost all

of my films for
Miracle Pictures.

P.G., our producer,
gives me freedom here

that most directors at
the majors never get.

In every film we try
to confront a major,

important social
issue of the day.

For instance, Scotty,
would you come over here?

This is prop from our new
picture, Atomic War Brides.

In this film we are
combining the myth

of Romeo and Juliet with
high speed car action,

and a sincere plea
for international

atomic controls in our time.

Cut.

- I hesitated for a long time
before doing this picture

because as a star, I have
a tremendous influence

over hundreds of thousands of
people nationwide, worldwide.

And after I did Bad
Girls in Trouble,

they legalized abortion, and
then after I did Junky Queen,

pot was decriminalized
in 13 states.

I can't tell you how
I felt about that.

So I have to be
very, very careful.

- You ask me why I make
these movies, I'll tell ya.

A buck is a buck, you know?

- Uh, well, I sorta
got into my work

because I was always
interested in the visual side

of perception because I was
always a little hard of hearing.

- You know, I make
a good living.

Mom, you see this shirt,
the material, the bracelet?

$65.

- I was also slightly
blind when I was young

and I felt that by doing this

I could gradually
improve my vision.

I mean, when I started
I didn't even know

what an f-stop was, and
now I practically am one.

(buzzing)

- I don't fool around
with dumb stories.

My movies have depth, and you
know, the people are real.

I like real people.

Beautiful, go, have a good time.

Bugs don't smoke!

(buzzing)

- Yo, wait a
minute, what's this?

- It's a...

- Uh-huh, what, what?

I'm askin', what?

- It's a mutation!

- You mean a mutant?

It's not a mutant,
it's a gorilla!

- This is not a gorilla!

This is a, it's an
atomic mutation simian.

I got it for nothing.

- A mutation simian.

It's so tacky!

My fans expect style from
a Mary McQueen production!

- Relax.

There, you happy now?

- It's alright, I don't know.

I'm too nice.

(dramatic music)

(explosion booming)

(tires squealing)

- Cut, cut, cut, cut!

Mary, that was fantastic!

Symphony of violence in motion!

You were incredible.

Now let's set up the next shot.

(explosion booming)

Mary, are you alright?

- Yes, Jesus Christ!

Call my agent!

No, call my lawyer.

- Your lawyer, Mary--

- Don't touch me, P.G.

I'm gonna sue you.

You're not gonna
get away with this!

- Maybe we should hold
up on these stunts

till, uh, we know
what's going on.

(ominous music)

(growling)

(toilet flushing)

- Wait a minute,
P.G., wait a minute!

I worked for three
weeks on this script,

you can wait for three
minutes to hear me out!

What is this?

I didn't write that!

This is crap!

Look at all this junk
all over the place.

I didn't object when you changed

my 1950s movie into
science fiction.

From you, I expect that.

But my name's going on
this picture and this

is the biggest piece
of shit you ever made!

- Erich, come here,
wherever you are!

Look, come here.

Our writer says that we're
shitting on his concept

and he's making me very upset.

- You tell the writer,
P.G., that we've taken

his empty, flacid,
stupid little story

and firmed it up into a
pulsating, penetrating,

thrusting, unflinching
look into the future.

(dramatic music)

(metal creaking)

(metal clanging)

When I give you action,
I want you to pull up

about five feet, Candy,
and stop, you got that?

- Yeah.

- Ready Candy?

- Ready.

- Alright, roll the camera!

- [Cameraman] Rolling!

- Mutants, out of the way!

And action!

(metal grinding)

(screaming)

Car stop!

- [Candy] The brakes are gone!

- Ah, move, out of
the way, please!

- The truck, the
truck, oh, holy shit.

- Hurry up.

Bring the camera,
bring the camera.

Look out.

(chattering)

- [Scotty] I'm not
even minimum wage!

Why am I doing this?

- We won't be back for lunch!

(screaming)

Call it runaway
car scene take one.

- Slow down, slow down!

(screaming)

- Bobbi, what are you doing?

- He's filming us.

(dramatic music)

- Keep shooting,
this is good stuff.

(screaming)

(screaming)

(screaming)

No, no, no, not that way!

This way!

- I can't see her face!

- Bobbi, do something!

- Look out, explosives!

- Oh no!

(explosions booming)

(coughing)

- This is your close
up, Candy, look pretty!

Smile, that's it,
lot's of teeth!

(screaming)

Very nice!

- Get out of the way,
you're in the shot.

Get outta the way!

(screaming)

(dramatic music)

- Where are we, anyway?

(tires squealing)

(screaming)

- Shit!

Miracle pictures!

The only fucking miracle
about your pictures

is if anybody lives through 'em.

- Now we can't get
hysterical, we gotta remain--

- I mean, shit!

I'm no pussy!

I mean, I thought
the derby was tough,

but this is ridiculous.

- [P.G.] I promise
you, we'll be a little

more careful in the
future, alright?

- The future!

P.G., you just don't understand!

People are dying!

How can you be so cold-blooded

when it's your responsibility?

What are you collecting the
insurance on this or something?

I can't work for you anymore!

- You quit?

If you quit, it is over,
everything is over!

I am through!

- We'll manage.

- Get over here.

I want you to listen to me.

Sit down.

Bobbi, I have got everything
tied up in this film.

My house, my money,
my car, everything.

I mean, I owe a fortune.

If you leave, the picture is
dead, Miracle Pictures is dead,

and I am worse than
dead, I'm in jail.

- Oh Christ.

- Look, can't you just do this

one last picture for me, please?

- I don't know, P.G., I just--

- Look, I gotta keep
making pictures!

It's what I gotta do.

- Okay, this one
picture and that's it.

That's it.

- Okay baby.

I love you.

Listen, just relax.

I'll see ya later, alright?

It'll be alright.

(melancholy music)

- Now Godzina, all through the

picture Candy has rebuffed you.

And in this scene, your
motivation is to make

her understand that for
you, it's really love.

And while you're at
it, I want you to step

on as many people as possible.

(growling)

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

Oh, hi.

What, now?

Retakes?

Oh shit, you're kidding me.

Okay, I'll be over in
just a few minutes.

(eerie music)

Hello?

Anybody?

(wolf howling)

Hello?

Oh, Candy, you scared me!

Where is everybody,
are we early?

What is this, method
acting or something?

(ominous music)

(wolf howling)

Hey Candy, come on.

Hey, you're freaking me out.

Come on, what the--

(screaming)

(heavy breathing)

(dramatic music)

(glass shattering)
(screaming)

No!

(grunting)

(screaming)

(whimpering)

(screaming)

No!

(grunting)

(screaming)

- Ah!

Jesus, you scared me.

- Well the door was open.

- Have the police come up
with anything on Bobbi, yet?

- Are you kidding?

I think they're still
working on the theory

she was cleaning her knife
and it went off accidentally.

- And what's your theory?

- Well I'm down to two
actresses, you and Mary.

So maybe somebody's trying
to put me out of business.

- Or put Miracle
Pictures out of business.

- Are you kidding?

They couldn't buy this
kind of publicity.

- They couldn't be that low.

- Hey, that's show biz.

I wouldn't be surprised if P.G.

was doing this
for the publicity.

- Yeah, but the parachute,
the car, the bullet,

all the props are
Scotty's responsibility.

Then there's Erich, who's always

behind the cameras
filming everything.

- And what about Mary?

Mary would love to
see us all killed.

God am I glad we're out of this

whole thing once and for all.

- What do you mean, we?

- Well you certainly
aren't going

to go back and work
for them, are you?

- As a matter of fact, it's kind

of interesting around
Miracle Pictures.

Might make good material.

- You ghoul!

- And I don't want
you to quit either!

- Oh, you don't, huh?

- Candy, take it easy.

- My friends are getting
bumped off like politicians,

and you think it's
kinda interesting?

Well I think it's kinda sick!

- Where the hell are you going?

- I'm going home to pack,
because I am moving out.

(melancholy music)

- Looks like you're next.

(dramatic music)

(upbeat music)

- Listen, this is a
dog eat dog business,

and nobody's gonna eat me, you!

(dog growling)

- Give mother back her bracelet.

Come on!

(phone ringing)

Fancy, no growling,
mommy's on the telephone.

- Hello, Mary?

Say, is Candy with you?

- Candy?

No, what makes you
think she'd be here?

- Well, I'm kinda
worried about her.

- I'm very happy that you're
worried about her, Walter.

Why aren't you
worried about me, hmm?

Are you still working for me?

I haven't heard from
Miracle Pictures,

I haven't received my check,

and I wanna discuss the billing.

Her name is just
as large as mine.

- Mary, she called here
a little while ago,

and she was so upset I couldn't

understand what she
was talking about.

- What are you trying
to say, Walter?

- She said something
about she thought she knew

who the killer was but she
didn't know what to do.

- What makes you
think she'd call me?

- I don't know,
but she did say she

wanted to talk to
you about something.

- Um, why no, she
hasn't called here.

Do you have any idea
where she might be?

- No, I...

No, wait a minute.

She could be up at
the Hollywood sign.

She says she likes to
go up there to think.

- Walter, listen, I've
got to walk the dog.

If she calls, I'll
let you know, okay?

Alright, bye-bye, honey.

- Thanks.

You seen Candy?

- Yes and no.

- What does that mean?

- Just what I said, yes and no!

- Hey, enough romance.

Okay, can we see the rushes now?

- Right, P.G.

Roll 'em!

(Erich humming)

Watch this.

(laughing) That's pretty good.

- [Walter] If cars had agents,
I coulda been a millionaire.

- Well I guess that's it.

- That's real, isn't it?

- This isn't my material.

- Shut up, it's better
than any of your stuff.

(gasping)

- Ain't that a kick in the head,

I was just talking
to her on the phone.

- Mary, I shoulda known it!

Where was she when she called?

- Oh Christ, I sent
her after Candy.

- What?

- I told her she was probably

up there by the Hollywood sign.

- You get the cops, I'll head
up there, and move it, Walter!

(upbeat music)

(ax thumping)

Candy!

Mary!

(pistol booming)

(bullet whining)

- God dammit.

(pistol booming)

- [Patrick] Candy!

(pistol booming)

- Mary, he's got a gun!

- It won't stop me.

(screaming)

(sinister laughing)

- Drop it, Mary.

(screaming)

- You're the last.

You'll never be a star
now, you little cunt.

(cable snapping)

(screaming)

(dramatic music)

(fanfare music)

- [Group] To Hollywood!

To Hollywood!

To Hollywood!

(crowd applauding)

- Miss Wednesday,
how can you describe

the unanimous rave
reviews you received

on your latest film?

- Well, I suppose I was
just perfect for the part.

- In fact, you played
yourself, didn't you?

I mean, the film was made

from your experiences
in Hollywood?

- [Candy] Mine, and others.

Thank you, Walter.

- About this script.

This newcomer, Patrick Hoby--

- Hobby.

- Oh yes, he certainly turned
in a remarkably realistic job.

- Yes, Patrick.

- [Man] Boy, she's
taller in person.

- Isn't he cute?

Yeah, Patrick really did a
swell job on all his research.

In fact, he had
this old pool house.

Well, we really
aren't interested

in that this evening, are we?

- Look Harvey, it was
your idea to take Bimbo

out of the office
in the first place.

I still say the
elephant's an ingrate,

but you bring him back
tomorrow, we'll talk it over,

maybe I'll get him
something in Sabugo's Game.

Oh, thank you.

You really handle
that tray nice.

- Oh thank you, actually I'm
not a waiter, I'm a robot.

- Oh yeah?

- Candy, I've got a rather
personal question for you?

Do you achieve regular
multiple orgasms?

(women gasping)

- Have you been in pictures?

- Not recently, I
don't do nudity.

- Hey, an actor.

Miracle Pictures is gonna do a
remake of Gone with the Wind.

Let me hear you say, frankly
Scarlet, I don't give a damn.

- Frankly, Scarlet,
I don't give a damn.

- Uh, not quite.

You ever do any belly dancing?

- [Robot] No.

- [Walter] High wire work?

- [Robot] No.

- [Walter] I bet you give
a great Swedish massage.

♪ When I was young the
silver screen would show ♪

♪ Those things that made
a girl's heart glow ♪

♪ As my heroes loved
and died just for me ♪

♪ Did all the stars
shine so bright ♪

♪ Or the rainbow
of guiding light ♪

♪ Lead me to the
doorstep of my dreams ♪

♪ The highway to the stars
is a rough and rocky road ♪

♪ By the side lay
careers of those ♪

♪ Who couldn't pull their load

♪ Hello honest folks and fakes

♪ Hello good and bad mistakes

♪ Hello Hollywood

- Ooh, ah!

- And we fade out, the end!

Cut!