Hollywood Boulevard (1976) Movie Script

(fanfare music)

(airplane engine rumbling)

- Well, things are

looking up I see.

(dramatic music)

- Here they come.

Scotty, start the camera.

- These Raging Loins, take one.

- [Mary] Which one is my double?

- [Erich] That one, the

one in blue, Susan Slade.

She's pretty good too.

- [Mary] Maybe so, but

she's not the star.

- [Erich] You're the star, Mary.

- [Mary] I'm glad

you remembered.

- [Erich] How could I forget?

- I mean, time too.

I mean, this stunt is

costing me a fortune!

- This is going

to be the greatest

sky diving sequence I

have ever directed, P.G.

- And your first.

- We could have

done it with models.

Listen, remind me,

I wanna pop up some

more laughs in that

crucifixion scene, or more sex.

- [Erich] Well,

which is it gonna be?

- Uh, more sex.

It's cheaper.

Susan, her chute's not opening!

- Keep shooting.

(Susan screaming)

(Susan thudding)

Cut.

(gasping)

(dramatic music)

Oh, what a terrible thing.

- Holy shit.

- Thank God it was the

last shot in the picture.

- Listen, P.G., I

hate to bring this up

at a time like this,

but we're gonna need

another stunt girl

for Queen of the Mob.

You know, we start

shooting next Tuesday.

- Don't worry!

Listen, there are plenty

of girls in Hollywood

who would die at the

chance to make a picture.

(laughing)

You know what I mean.

Look, these kids

are a dime a dozen!

There's another one

where she came from.

(pleasant music)

♪ The city lights

are twinkling ♪

♪ The sun is slowly sinking

♪ Shadows are getting long

♪ Goodbye Today

♪ Here's tonight, and below me

♪ The neon signs are show me

♪ Indiana is so far far away

♪ Can I play that

precious part ♪

♪ In this world of fantasy

♪ Will I ever be a star?

♪ Will the billboards

shine for me? ♪

♪ Hello cold and empty nights

♪ Hello long and uphill fights

♪ Hello Hollywood

♪ When I was young the

silver screen would show ♪

♪ All those things that

made a girls heart glow ♪

♪ As my heroes loved

and died just for me ♪

♪ Did all the stars

shine so bright ♪

♪ Would a rainbow

of guiding light ♪

♪ Lead me to the

doorstep of my dreams ♪

♪ The highway to the stars

is a rough and rocky road ♪

♪ By the side lay the

careers of those ♪

♪ Who couldn't pull their load

♪ Hello honest folks and fakes

♪ Hello good and bad mistakes

♪ Hello Hollywood

♪ Can I play that

precious part ♪

♪ In this world of fantasy

♪ Will I ever be a star?

♪ Will the billboards

shine for me? ♪

♪ Hello cold and empty nights

♪ Hello long and uphill fights

♪ Hello Hollywood

- It's a nudie picture

with a $2000 budget.

No script, a 10 hour

shooting schedule,

and it opens in 22 cities

at the end of the week.

You want it or don't ya?

Hold on.

- I sure hope you're

sandwich girl, sweetheart.

- No, I'm Candy Hope.

- Change it.

- Change what?

- [Walter] You're name!

- What for?

- This is Hollywood,

we change everything.

We have to.

Let's see, how about

January Wednesday?

No, you don't look

like a Wednesday.

- I like my name.

I mean, most people call

me by it all the time.

- You ever do any belly dancing?

- No.

- [Walter] High-wire work?

- No.

- [Walter] Can you

give a Swedish massage?

- No.

- You're an actress.

Well you came to the

right place, kid.

- Oh, did I?

- Sure, I know what you

kids are up against.

Can't get a job without

being in the union,

you can't get in the

union without a job.

Can't get an agent

without experience,

you can't get work

without an agent.

Well you just got

yourself an agent.

- Oh, Mr. Paisley, really?

(phone ringing)

- Yeah, now let me know as

soon as you get yourself a job.

Paisley.

You got a what?

A Mexican donkey act?

It tap dances too?

Okay, get your ass over here.

You're still here?

- Mr. Paisley, how

do I get a job?

- How should I know,

I'm just an agent.

Look, alright.

Walk around town, be seen.

Lana Turner was discovered

in a drug store.

Jean Harlow under the

Santa Monica Pier.

- You mean all I have to

do is walk out somewhere

and someone's just

gonna come up to me and?

- Sure.

This town is crawling

with producers,

casting directors,

little things, you know.

You come back in a couple days,

let me know how you're doing.

(phone buzzing)

Paisley.

What?

Bimbo the Elephant is

signing with another agent?

For Christ's sakes, why?

That was three years ago!

Doesn't that bum elephant

ever forget anything?

(lively banjo music)

- Oh, excuse me.

- No, no, go ahead.

No, go ahead, I was just gonna

glance at the casting calls.

- Oh, that's funny, so was I.

- You must be an actress.

- Well, I'm trying to be one.

- That puts us in the same boat,

so let's read the same copy.

Hi, my name is Duke.

- Hi, I'm Candy.

There doesn't seem to be a

whole lot in there, does there?

- There never is.

Hey, but you know,

I'm doin' a film

and there's a part that would

be perfect for you in it.

- Really?

- Yeah, the director's a

real good friend of mine,

and it's a terrific part.

It's kind of a modern day

Bonnie and Clyde film.

Ah, but nah, I guess

it wouldn't work.

- Well, why not?

- Well, it's a real

low budget picture,

you know what I mean?

And they're gonna need a girl

that can supply her own car,

so I guess that let's you--

- Oh, but I have a

car, I have a car!

- Do ya?

- Yeah, this one right here.

This is mine.

Oh, do you think I could

really get the part?

- Kid, you're a shoe in!

- You know, it's just

like Mr. Paisley said.

One minute you're a

nobody makin' the rounds--

- Stick 'em up!

(laughing)

- Oh, you look scary, scary.

How do you think I look?

- You look beautiful.

Perfect!

Now for the final touch.

- Oh, but I can't put this

over my gorgeous makeup!

- My friend likes realism.

If you're gonna be

a getaway driver,

you have to wear a mask.

- Oh, sure, of course,

if the part demands it.

- Hey, Candy, this here's Rico.

- Hello!

- Pleased to meet ya.

- Hey what are you guys

doing down there, anyway?

- Realism, honey, realism.

- Oh, this is my first film.

I guess you guys have

been in a lot, huh?

- Yeah, I've been

in for 15 years.

- What he means is we've been

in the business a long time.

Come on, come on,

let's get a move on.

- [Candy] I'm so excited.

I mean, just coming out

here from Indianapolis

and getting a real part

in a movie just like that.

Oh, Los Angeles is

such a wonderful place.

- [Duke] Uh-huh.

There it is.

Just pull up to

the bank and wait.

- But, um, I don't

see the camera.

- That's the point.

It's a hidden camera.

- [Radio Announcer]

Mary McQueen and Bimbo,

together again in

Elephant Girls in Bondage.

Industrial waste turned

her from a youth leader

into a rampaging rogue elephant!

- [Man] Look out!

- [Radio Announcer] An elephant

movie you'll never forget,

says Ron Kline, Long Park Times.

Break her into giant

chunks, says Pierre Gonlove.

Elephant Girls in Bondage.

(bank alarm ringing)

(pistols booming)

(screaming)

- Was that the first take?

- Huh?

Oh yeah, yeah, let's go.

- But what about my close up?

(pistol booming)

- (screaming) What

kinda movie is this?

- Okay now, peel out.

- Okay, okay, geez.

(tires squealing)

(lively banjo music)

(siren wailing)

- [Duke] Cop on our tail.

Lose him.

(tires squealing)

Not bad.

Okay, pull off the road.

(tires squealing)

- [Candy] Oh, where are we?

Where do I go?

- [Duke] Anywhere, I don't care.

Just stop before you kill us.

Okay, I'll split the loot

and meet ya at the motel.

- [Rico] Okay, sure.

- [Candy] Oh, look, I don't

mind walking, you know,

if you wanna let me out here.

- [Duke] Hey, that

sucker took the loot!

- [Candy] What?

(pistol booming)

- Come on, get going.

(lively music)

(laughing)

(gasping)

- Is this the end of Rico?

(guns booming)

(bullets whining)

- Just ram right through 'em.

- What?

(tires squealing)

Ooh!

(fire roaring)

- I'll be damned, we lost them.

You know, you might

have a future in this--

(tires squealing)

(glass clinking)

(lively music)

- Well, maybe you learned

yourself an important lesson.

- You bet.

Don't trust strangers

in this town.

- Wrong!

You don't take a job unless

you check with your agent.

I would have got you a

cut of the take, at least.

- I feel lucky just to be alive

and sitting here, right now!

- Alive?

Hey, maybe we can turn this

into something good, like a job.

(phone ringing)

Hello.

You want an Amazon girl

and a giant python.

Hold on a sec.

Hey.

(snake hissing)

How tall are you?

- Uh, 5'4".

- Ah.

Hey listen, I ain't got

one, but I got a midget lady

who does a great

act with a worm.

Right!

Hang on, shorty, I'm

still working for you.

Stay away from my hamburger.

(phone dinging)

P.G., Paisley.

Yeah, hey you still

looking for a stunt girl?

Well I just happen to

have the greatest little

stunt driver in town

sitting right opposite me.

Right, I'll send her right over.

You're all set.

- A stunt driver?

Look, I can't do--

- Hey, hey, you do just

what you did yesterday.

Forget it's a movie.

- A movie?

- Yeah.

That was P.G., Miracle Pictures.

They had a little

accident on the set

and they need a

replacement in a hurry.

- Do you think that it

could lead to a real part?

I mean, a real, real part?

- They make a picture a week.

You do well, you're

working steady.

- Okay, I'll try

it, I'll try it.

- That's my girl.

Hey, this is where

they're shooting.

Take the LaPointe off-ramp,

the Slawson cut-off,

hang a right at Big Boy's,

and it's under the underpass.

Good luck, kid.

Here, wrap yourself

around a burger.

Wanna bite, no?

It's good.

(triumphant music)

- Uh, excuse me?

- Mhmm?

- Is this Miracle Pictures?

- Sure is.

If it's a good picture,

it's a miracle.

It's a gonna be a miracle

if I can write this scene.

They have me writing this scene

about this guy and this girl,

they meet, they've never

seen each other before,

and bingo, bango,

they're in love.

Hello, I'm Patrick.

Can I help you?

- Yeah hi, I'm Candy.

Walter Paisley sent me

over from his office.

- Oh, you want

Erich, our director.

Come on.

Want a souvenir?

- Yeah!

(faint speaking)

- I'm concerned about the

way this scene's been going.

Something is working there,

but a lot of the meaning

is going out the window.

I want this line to

express the whole thing.

A childhood of lonely

days and hungry nights,

of breadlines and soup kitchens,

and a little girl's

broken, pathetic, dreams.

Let's hear it.

- Your money or your life.

- No, no, no.

Your money or your life.

- Your money or your life.

- No, no.

Feeling, Mary, your

money or your life.

- Your money or your life.

- Terrible, Mary--

- Your money or your life!

- Magnificent, wonderful!

- Erich, Erich, this is Candy.

Paisley sent her.

- Ah, the new stunt

girl, terrific.

- No, actually, I'm an actress.

- An actress, oh my.

Is that your portfolio?

- Lighten up, Mary.

- Hey P.G.!

All the girls are here to

audition for the nude scene.

(slinky music)

- No time to strip,

time is money!

(slinky music)

Scotty, where's

my casting couch?

- Uh, in the truck.

- In the truck.

Okay, you and you, come with me.

The rest of you stick

there, I'll be right back.

Scotty, keep 'em wet.

- Yeah.

- Now let me tell you about

this scene, it's very simple.

You get into the Model T,

you drive down the road,

up the ramp, flip

over, and crash.

- Ah, nothing to it.

- Now the hard part,

your motivation.

In this scene, your

motivation is to be--

- To stay alive.

We buried our last

stunt girl on Saturday.

Good luck, sweetheart.

- You nervous?

- I'm very nervous, woo.

- You'll do fine.

Break a leg!

I didn't mean that.

- Alright, Candy,

Scotty, ready and action!

(lively music)

(cheering)

- I did the same stunt

in Machine Gun Molly,

it's really very simple.

- You're a real pro!

Been at it long?

- Are you kidding?

I have never driven a

car in front of film

or anything before

in my whole life.

- You're kidding?

You mean you're a

stranger to the charms

of Southern California?

- [Candy] The charms?

The charms, totally.

- This is a fantasy come true!

Hey, how would you like

to be swept off your feet?

Introduced to good

food, thrilling music,

and fascinating people?

- I'm at your service.

(birds chirping)

(upbeat music)

♪ Everybody's dancin',

truckin', truckin' ♪

♪ Everybody's swinging

and fucking, fucking ♪

♪ Truckin', truckin',

fuckin', fuckin' ♪

♪ Everybody's doin' it now

♪ You can see 'em dancin',

truckin', truckin' ♪

♪ You can see 'em swinging

and fucking, fucking ♪

♪ Truckin', truckin',

fuckin', fuckin' ♪

♪ Everybody's doin' it now

♪ Well down in Berkeley

on the street ♪

♪ You can hear

those dancin' feet ♪

♪ See the people

everywhere they go ♪

♪ We can see 'em

singin' hidey hidey ho ♪

♪ Everybody's dancing

and truckin', truckin' ♪

♪ Everybody's swinging

and fucking, fucking ♪

♪ Truckin', truckin',

fuckin', fuckin' ♪

♪ Everybody's doin' it now

♪ Oh everybody's dancing

and truckin', truckin' ♪

♪ Everybody's swinging

and fuckin', fuckin' ♪

♪ Truckin', truckin',

fuckin', fuckin' ♪

♪ Everybody's doin' it now

♪ Yeah

♪ You can see 'em dancing

and truckin', truckin' ♪

♪ You can see 'em swingin'

and fuckin', fuckin' ♪

♪ Truckin', truckin',

fuckin', fuckin' ♪

♪ Everybody's doin' it now

♪ Well down in Berkeley

on the street ♪

♪ You can hear

those dancing feet ♪

♪ You see the people

everywhere they go ♪

♪ You can see 'em

singing hidey hidey ho ♪

♪ Everybody's dancin'

and truckin', truckin' ♪

♪ Everybody's swingin'

and fuckin', fuckin' ♪

♪ Truckin', truckin',

fuckin', fuckin' ♪

♪ Everybody's doin' it now

(giggling)

(cheering)

- [Man] Rip her heart out!

(crowd shouting and cheering)

- [Jill] Boy, anybody'd

think you didn't like

being a roller derby star.

- [Bobbi] Shit, Jill, my

body's just one big bruise.

- [Jill] I know a lot of

guys who dig that look.

- [Bobbi] Every time

I shack up with a guy

he wants to call an ambulance.

If I don't make the move

now I'm gonna end up going

around in circles for

the rest of my life.

- [Jill] Make the move to what?

- [Bobbi] Well,

I've been thinkin'

about your racket, movies.

- You know anything about it?

- No, but what'd you know

when you got started?

- Not much, you don't need

to know much being an extra.

Except how to screw

around and spend money,

and that's what it's all about.

- Okay, well then the way I

figure it's just another fake.

I mean, I've been throwing

derby's for years,

and I'm not in jail yet.

I already deserve

an academy award.

- Okay, so I'll introduce

you to my agent.

- Great, that's all I need.

Then it's just a matter of

me ballin' my way to the top.

(gun booming)

I mean, you know,

swimming pools,

and fancy clothes,

and fast cars.

Then I'd be a really

Hollywood genuine star.

- Can I have your autograph?

- Sure, kid.

What's your name?

- [David] David.

- Okay, David.

There you go.

- Here's what I think

of the Avengers.

- I could sure dig meeting

a better class of people.

- A bearded lady?

Hold on.

Bruno, you still

sportin' whiskers?

Good.

Get yourself down to

Ferg's of Hollywood,

buy yourself a pair of tits.

You're on!

Hold on, Harry.

Girls, I called you all here

to offer you a

glorious opportunity.

- Look out.

- It is not only a paid

vacation to a tropical paradise,

it is not only leading roles

in a major motion picture--

- It's a way for Walter

to make an extra buck.

- It is Machete

Maidens of Mora Tau,

Miracle Pictures

new super spectacle

shot entirely in

the Philippines!

It's a great script, feel how

much that weighs, huh, huh?

- I did this picture

already, three times.

Sorry, Walter.

- Oh, there's a dedicated girl.

- Walter, if it's a

part, I mean a part part,

I will go anywhere for a part.

- Shit, I'll go.

I've never been out of the

country except Tijuana.

- If you go, I'll go.

Let's do it.

- Great!

Well, that's three of you.

Uh, Candy, you can play

Mary's part, that's the lead.

- Okay, Walter,

where's the ticket.

- All set.

(jet engines rumbling)

(jungle birds hooting)

(war drums booming)

- [Jill] Jesus, where are we?

- Ouch!

God dammit, I'm infested!

Tropical paradise, I'm gonna

ring fucking Paisley's neck.

- Feels like summer

in Atlantic City.

- [Candy] Wow, what a big bug!

- [Mary] Bug,

where, where, where?

Is it on me, is it on me?

Where?

- (gasping) Oh.

- Cut!

Well, you ruined the shot,

but at least you're here.

Scotty.

You're just in time

for your first shot.

- Oh, what do we do?

- Oh, it's a delightful scene.

You four girls massacre

300 Asiatic soldiers.

Now your motivation,

very important,

is to massacre 300

Asiatic soldiers.

(guns booming)

(screaming)

Explosions!

(explosions booming)

(screaming)

(guns booming)

(explosions booming)

Dull, dull, dull!

I want action!

(explosion booming)

(screaming)

(dramatic music)

(guns booming)

(screaming)

(guns booming)

(explosion booming)

(guns booming)

Scotty, the blood looks phony.

(guns booming)

(explosion booming)

Alright, break for lunch!

(pig snorting)

(jungle birds hooting)

- What?

- It's the same old plot,

of course it's boring!

Erich, think of the

dramatic realism

if Candy, Bobbi, and

Jill's characters

get killed off in

the third reel.

First the audience feels lost,

and then they feel anger,

and then they feel

hatred, real hatred.

- I don't know, Mary,

it sounds a little far--

- It's me left alone,

the desperate woman bit.

Now Erich, you know that I am

not angling for a larger part.

That's the furthest

thing from my mind.

I'm thinking of the emotion,

me against the jungle,

me against the sadistic natives,

me against the quicksand,

the flowers, the banana.

- Mary, Mary, that's just silly.

- It's not silly, it's

the human condition!

- Mary, this is not a film

about the human condition.

This is a film

about tits and ass.

- Erich, when are you

gonna realize that I am--

- It sounds like Mary is

cooking up a re-write for you.

- She tries that

stunt every film.

But what the hell.

I mean, when they gave me

this assignment two weeks ago

it was about Eskimo women

battling dinosaurs in Alaska.

- Yeah, so what happened?

- Well, they couldn't

get any young maidens

to freeze their tits

off at 20 below!

- You know, you're not

born with dedication

and discipline, you

have to learn it.

Fucking saddled with

fucking amateurs.

- Ready for the scene where

the dogs chase Mary, boss.

- Yeah, yeah, bring 'em in.

- Now, wait a minute!

I wanna meet the dogs and

I want the dog biscuits.

- You wanna meet the dogs?

- Yes.

- Dog biscuits.

- There is mommy's

cutesy itsy bitsy babies.

Come on, honey, come on--

(dogs barking)

You're crazy.

You're crazy if you think I'm

getting near those

viscous beasts.

- What, your itty witty babies?

- Yes, what about

your professionalism,

what about your dedication,

what about your discipline?

- Blow it out your ass!

(dogs barking)

(war drums booming)

- Now Candy, this scene

is an actress' dream.

You get raped by five lust

crazed rebel soldiers.

You struggle, scratch,

you fight, to no avail.

It'll be the most sensual

scene of sexual depravity

ever to be seen on the screen.

And we have to get

it all in one take.

Ready?

Action.

(men growling)

(Candy squeaking)

Soldiers, more action.

That's it, more passion.

Candy dear, this is a

rape, not a gang-bang.

- (squeaking) Ow, stop!

- No teeth!

More excitement.

- No! (screaming)

- Good, nice, more of that.

Yeah.

(screaming)

(Erich humming)

Okay, I think we've got it.

Cut.

(screaming)

Cut!

(men laughing)

(clothes ripping)

Boys, cut.

(screaming)

- Get outta there!

- Enough guys.

Get off the star!

- Fellas, please, cut.

- Get off of her!

(crying)

Oh, Candy.

Get off the star!

- Nobody listens to me.

(crying)

Now Bobbi, this is

your big moment.

You have the line that sums

up the entire inner meaning,

the core, the essence

of the entire film.

Are you ready?

Alright, action.

- Now get it up,

or I'll cut it off!

- Cut!

Fantastic!

Oh, such realism, such feeling!

This is gonna be my best picture

since Bad Girls in Boystown!

- Geez, did you do that?

(laughing)

(war drums beating)

(snake hissing)

(moaning)

(snake hissing)

(screaming)

(shouting in foreign language)

- Well if I didn't

feel like a real

Hollywood type before, I do now.

- Kinda cozy, isn't it?

- Was anybody sleepy?

Or shall we have a three

way career conference?

(giggling)

(moaning)

I'm gonna make you

a big star, baby.

And you too.

A big, big, big star.

(war drums booming)

- Well, the game plan's working.

G.P. already offered me

a part in his next film.

- P.G., not G.P.

- Whatever.

(singing in foreign language)

- You gave him quite

an audition last night.

- Well, it's the sort of part

I can really sink my teeth into.

- I don't know.

I mean, do you really think

that's how you become a star?

- Look, I'm not

gonna be in P.G.'s

home movies the rest of my life.

This is sort of just

a temporary layover,

if you get the drift.

- No, I don't know.

They never told me about any

of that stuff in drama school.

- Look, movie guys

are all the same.

All they care about

are tits and ass.

- So what are we,

actresses or hookers?

I mean, really, geez!

- I don't give a damn what

I am as long as I'm a star.

- Doin' it with

one guy is great,

but when the whole world is

watching it's such a rush!

I want guys lying away at

night thinking about me.

Guys I don't even know.

- Yeah, well now that's

like being a star.

(sneezing)

Get outta here, you creep!

If they wanna see it,

let 'em buy a ticket.

- Alright, one more time.

And action!

- Come on, big boy,

help me get away.

(insect buzzing)

I'll be good to you.

I know how to treat man.

I'm in heat and

I'm horny as hell!

Got the bastard.

- [Erich] Cut, that's

not in the script!

- Fuck the script, I'm

being eaten alive here!

- [Erich] Scotty, would you

do something about these bugs?

- [Scotty] Working on it, boss!

- [Erich] Alright,

let's try it again.

- [Assistant] Rolling,

speed, scene six take two.

- [Erich] And action!

- Come on, big boy,

help me get away.

I'll be good to you.

- [Erich] Cut, cut!

Scotty, would you get

the hell outta there!

Jesus, go set up the next shot.

Put the jewel encrusted Buddha

on the sacrificial altar.

- [Assistant] Rolling,

speed, take three.

- [Erich] Alright, and action.

- Come on, handsome,

help me to escape.

I'll be good to you.

(metal crashing)

- [Erich] Cut!

God dammit, Scotty!

- Excuse me while I write

Buddha out of the picture.

- That does it, that

is the last straw!

P.G., we've got to fire Scotty!

- What?

Look, his clumsiness

is saving us

from shooting 15

pages of each script.

He's saving me a fortune!

Fire him, I'll fire you.

- It's lack of concentration.

If you had a

professional actress

instead of some

professional slut,

a bunch of flies

wouldn't bother her!

- Lay off, Mary, Jill's

a friend of mine.

- You know, you

starlets are all alike.

You get your boobs in

front of the camera

and you're ready to jump into

the cement at Grauman's Chinese.

- Listen, Miss Garbo, I saw

you in Brain from Planet X,

and the only way you'll ever get

your footprints in

front of Grauman's

is if you're sitting on the curb

and a bus runs over your feet!

- How 'bout my foot

in your mouth, honey?

- Actresses, I hate them.

You're cattle!

You put me behind schedule,

you ruin my atmosphere,

you drive me crazy!

But my films, my films

will outlive all of you.

(explosions booming)

(screaming)

(guns booming)

(screaming)

(explosion booming)

(guns booming)

(screaming)

(guns booming)

- Cut!

Terrific!

Fabulous!

Jill, what a performance.

That look, that realism.

Total reality, Jill, you, Jill?

Jill?

- She's dead, for real!

- My God, this is

terrible, this is tragedy!

How am I going to

get my close up?

- Your close up, is

that all you care about?

- You're right, this should make

us all ponder deeper questions.

Art and reality, where does

one end and the other begin?

- Oh, for Christ's sake, Erich.

- Isn't anyone

gonna call the cops?

- Honey, this is the

Philippines, there are no cops.

- It wouldn't do any good, baby.

I mean, everybody

was running around

firing like mad, you know?

- He's right.

The bullet could have

come from anywhere.

- I've never seen

anyone dead before.

(melancholy music)

- Well, might as well pack up.

Scotty, cut the lights.

- [Scotty] Working on it!

- It's one of those

terrible accidents.

- You mean, another one!

- Let it out.

(crickets chirping)

(melancholy music)

♪ I'm so alone I have to cry

♪ The world turns cruel

and cold outside ♪

♪ And I've come to my

turning point at last ♪

♪ Where I turn and run away

♪ Or can I find

the will to stay ♪

♪ And see what part

my destiny has cast ♪

(horn honking)

- Hi!

- Hi, Walter!

- Well, you all ready

for the big day?

- I'm ready, I'm

willing, I'm so nervous!

- Well, listen, that's natural.

World premiere, your first

picture, it's only natural.

Come on, climb in.

No, no, no, climb in.

- Oh, oh.

- Walter, wait a minute!

- [Candy] Wow, Walter,

what a neat car.

- [Walter] Yeah, it's

a Rolls Canardly.

- [Candy] A Rolls Canardly?

- [Walter] Yeah, it

rolls down one hill

and can hardly get up the next!

- [Patrick] Walter.

(lighthearted music)

Walter, you sure you

know where this place is?

- [Walter] Are you kidding?

My favorite client's

world premiere?

Let's see, it's the

Hollywood Freeway north

to the Ventura Freeway west,

through the Calabasas cutoff,

to the San Diego Freeway south,

to the Santa Monica Freeway

east, and there you are.

- [Candy] Where are you?

- [Walter] On the Pasadena

Freeway, where else?

- [Candy] I thought it was a

left at the Tarzana turnoff?

- [Walter] Left or right,

what's the difference?

We're lost!

- [Candy] Walter!

(lively music)

- [Walter] What did I

tell ya, there it is!

- [Candy] World Premiere, huh?

- [Walter] Okay, so it

played three days in Manila.

(thunder booming)

(ominous soundtrack music)

Okay, sit tight, I'll have

this thing together in a jiffy.

(thunder booming)

- [Patrick] Hey,

that's Boris Karloff.

(dramatic music)

(thunder booming)

- He now refuses to leave.

- Isn't that kid terrific?

- [Candy] Walter, that's you!

- Yeah, I used to be an actor.

Not bad, huh?

- Why'd you give it up?

- Well you know, I

had a lousy agent.

- How do you know

what harm he plans?

Do you want him wandering

around the castle?

Do you want him

down in the crypt?

- Enough.

The crypt is no

concern of yours.

(thunder booming)

- Walter, Walter, shit, you

coulda been somebody, really.

- I coulda been a contender.

(thunder booming)

(dramatic music)

- Walter, that

wasn't a sad movie.

- There must have been

50 people up there

and I didn't have

10% of any of 'em,

that's a sad movie.

- [Announcer] It's

intermission time.

Time for that scrumptious

array of tasty treats

waiting for you

at the snack bar,

where the popcorn's poppin',

the cold drinks are sparkling--

- You know you

guys, I really feel

like I could really

use a drink right now.

- Hey, that's why

you got an agent.

I've been to hundreds

of these premiere things

with my clients and I

always come prepared.

- Oh, Walter, you are a saint.

- Yeah.

- [Candy] Oh my God.

- I used to handle that

monster, but he moved to Japan.

- [Candy] (laughing) Ew!

What's that?

- [Patrick] I dunno, but

I think it's disgusting.

Kids see these pictures?

(eerie music)

- [Candy] What are they doing?

- [Patrick] I think

it's the monster mash.

- [Candy] That looks,

it looks like, they are.

Oh my God, they're doing it!

(moaning)

- [Walter] And not very well.

- [Announcer] Mmm, doesn't

this look delicious?

This is our submarine

meatball sandwich.

- Anybody hungry?

- Not anymore.

- [Candy] That's

not our film, is it?

- I used to handle

that meatball.

- Oh you did, really?

Well he's kinda cute.

He is sorta cute, you know?

In little round bouncy way.

(laughing)

- [Announcer] So what'll it

be, folks, cheese or sausage?

It's made with the original

crispy pizza crust.

Our exclusive pizza sauce.

A pinch of salt, a touch

of Parmesan grated cheese,

mozzarella cheese, a little

oregano, and presto, pizza!

- Oh, hey, we're next.

Excited?

- No, somehow this isn't quite

what I dreamt about in Indiana.

♪ Back home again, in Indiana

(fanfare music)

- Oh my God, there it is!

- Brace yourself.

- Oh, my first picture.

There's my name,

there's my name!

Oh, and there's Jill's, oh.

- This business breaks

your heart sometimes.

Her last picture.

- And a stinker.

(guns booming)

- An actor, ha!

Ugh, I can't take much

more of this stuff.

It's a bunch of baloney!

That's not the real me!

(guns booming)

Oh no, not the rape scene.

(screaming)

They promised not to use

that thing, they did!

Oh, oh, I can't look

at that anymore.

I can't watch this

anymore, hold this.

I'm gonna get that guy.

Let me out.

- It's okay, let her go.

Lots of people don't react

too well the first time

they see their face up

there on the big screen.

(screaming)

(dramatic music)

- Where is her face?

(screaming)

- This stuff is disgusting!

- Sick!

- How can they expect

people to swallow this muck?

John Wayne would never

make a picture like this.

- Sick.

- We're gonna get our money

back and we're gonna go home!

- Ah gee, Dad, can't we

wait until they plug her?

You know, a little of

that ol' in and out?

You know, a little

pussy pumping?

- Sick!

- [Candy] Please don't hurt me!

(screaming)

- Hey you, you!

Take it off!

(screaming)

- Depravity!

Filth!

This is worse than television!

- [Mother] Sick!

- [Candy] Please don't hurt me!

(whip cracking)

- [Woman] No, no!

(whip cracking)

(grunting)

- Hey, I'm getting

worried about Candy.

I mean, she's been gone

a pretty long time.

- She's alright.

She probably went

to get a hot dog.

- I dunno, Walter.

She was pretty loaded.

Let's look around.

You check the hot dog stand.

- Now wait a second.

I'll check the hot dog stand.

- No, Walter, you check

the hot dog stand!

- Okay, if you insist.

(screaming)

- Excuse me, I'm

looking for somebody.

- Come on in, big boy.

- I can't, I'm

looking for somebody.

How 'bout a rain check?

- Faggot!

- Dyke!

- Listen buddy, I

want my money back.

That's the most

depraved, revolting,

offensive, degenerate...

(screaming)

- [Man] Come on

girls, keep moving!

Let's shake a leg here!

(knocking on window)

- Excuse me, I was wondering--

(fist thumping)

- Turn that wheel faster!

Come on, you, faster, quick!

(screaming)

(car honking)

- Move your ass!

- Hey, fuck you, buddy!

I wrote this

picture, I can stand

in front of it if I want to!

Hey, hey, I'm sorry pal.

I didn't mean it,

I didn't mean it.

(guns booming)

(screaming)

- No, no!

(screaming)

- Hey!

What the hell are you doing?

Come on!

- No!

(film sizzling)

(crowd booing)

(yelling)

(fist thumping)

(car horns honking)

(grunting)

- Get off him!

(fist thumping)

- Hold it!

(grunting)

(distorted fanfare music)

- I love Hollywood!

(warbling music)

Ooh, I hate Hollywood.

- How do you feel?

- Shitty.

- I'll get you a drink.

- No, no, no, no.

- Well how 'bout a

couple of Valium?

- No, no, no, just rub

my neck right here.

(pleasant music)

Oh, that was awful.

- Take my word for it,

nobody will see this picture.

I oughta know, I've written

five others just like it.

- Why did I do this picture

if nobody was going to see it?

- Experience, and you

weren't bad at it.

And you're gonna be

better in the next one.

- The next one?

- Yeah, the 1950s thing.

P.G. has me working

on it already,

and you're gonna be in it.

I'm writing a terrific

part just for you.

- You know you are going to

have to speak with my agent.

(cascading music)

- Hi, so how's the genius?

How's the script coming?

- Hi, hi!

- Hi P.G., hi Bobbi!

(sinister music)

Well, I'm very glad

you guys are here

because I'm quietly

going insane.

- So he's been doing

his research, I see.

- Research?

We have been living in the

1950s for one entire week!

- Great!

I mean this is gonna be

the biggest picture yet.

I mean, the 50s

are really going.

Uh, yeah, so where

is he, already?

- Oh, he's in the pool house.

- [Bobbi] So what's he

do out there anyway?

- I don't know, it's

some secret little

special place he calls

his research room,

which is always locked

and I would love

to find out what

he does in there.

- Watch out!

Watch for laxatives

that foam, fizz,

fall apart in your stomach.

A laxative that

dissolves in your stomach

may cause nauseating

stomach upset.

As you can see, it's down

here where you need the help.

Not in the stomach,

but down here where

the lower digestive

system is stopped up.

That's why you need

Intestinex, the oral enema.

It quickly moves

past your stomach

and unblocks the

clogged passage ways.

Ah, there it goes now.

So watch out!

Watch out for laxatives

that foam, fizz,

fall apart in your stomach.

Get Intestinex, the

medical miracle of 1956.

The greatest health discovery

since the soft vaccine.

(eerie music)

- Hey, it's terrific!

The whole era is

beginning to gel for me.

- Great, gelled for everyone

else about 20 years ago!

- Hey P.G., you see this guy?

That's Mark Dentine, the

famous '50s movie star!

You wouldn't believe

it to look at him,

but his career is

still going downhill.

He was the hottest

thing in Hollywood

till Walter Paisley

started handling him.

He's my pool cleaner now.

Maybe we could use him.

- Mark Dentine in the...

Look, he's a wreck,

he's a drunk!

Pretty much all we

need, I'm thinking.

Let me think.

Wait a minute.

Listen, this old film stuff

is very interesting, you know?

But is that what

people wanna see?

I mean, it's dated.

- Of course it's

dated, it's the '50s!

- Right!

So how can we best

use the '50s angle

and still give the

people something new,

something exciting, something

they've never seen before?

- I give up.

- We'll do a little switch.

- No '50s movie.

- Wrong.

See that kind of

thinking shows why

you're only a writer,

not a big producer.

No, it's still gonna

be a '50s movie,

only not 1950, see, but 2050.

- What?

- The future!

(water splashing)

Everybody loves the future.

It's where we'll all be spending

the rest of our lives, right?

So give me futuristic

cars, give me violence,

give me boobs of the future,

and give me a script by Tuesday.

(gurgling)

Don't look so worried,

it'll kill 'em.

(dramatic music)

- Come on, big boy, take

me where I wanna go.

I really know how

to be good to a car.

You know, this stupid car has

all the best lines

in the whole movie!

- [Erich] Cut, cut!

Now let's try it once more

from, come on, big boy.

(melancholy harmonica music)

(buzzing)

- Buzz off!

(buzzing)

- Gin.

- Gin?

You fucking annoying...

(buzzing)

- Yes Mike, I've done almost all

of my films for

Miracle Pictures.

P.G., our producer,

gives me freedom here

that most directors at

the majors never get.

In every film we try

to confront a major,

important social

issue of the day.

For instance, Scotty,

would you come over here?

This is prop from our new

picture, Atomic War Brides.

In this film we are

combining the myth

of Romeo and Juliet with

high speed car action,

and a sincere plea

for international

atomic controls in our time.

Cut.

- I hesitated for a long time

before doing this picture

because as a star, I have

a tremendous influence

over hundreds of thousands of

people nationwide, worldwide.

And after I did Bad

Girls in Trouble,

they legalized abortion, and

then after I did Junky Queen,

pot was decriminalized

in 13 states.

I can't tell you how

I felt about that.

So I have to be

very, very careful.

- You ask me why I make

these movies, I'll tell ya.

A buck is a buck, you know?

- Uh, well, I sorta

got into my work

because I was always

interested in the visual side

of perception because I was

always a little hard of hearing.

- You know, I make

a good living.

Mom, you see this shirt,

the material, the bracelet?

$65.

- I was also slightly

blind when I was young

and I felt that by doing this

I could gradually

improve my vision.

I mean, when I started

I didn't even know

what an f-stop was, and

now I practically am one.

(buzzing)

- I don't fool around

with dumb stories.

My movies have depth, and you

know, the people are real.

I like real people.

Beautiful, go, have a good time.

Bugs don't smoke!

(buzzing)

- Yo, wait a

minute, what's this?

- It's a...

- Uh-huh, what, what?

I'm askin', what?

- It's a mutation!

- You mean a mutant?

It's not a mutant,

it's a gorilla!

- This is not a gorilla!

This is a, it's an

atomic mutation simian.

I got it for nothing.

- A mutation simian.

It's so tacky!

My fans expect style from

a Mary McQueen production!

- Relax.

There, you happy now?

- It's alright, I don't know.

I'm too nice.

(dramatic music)

(explosion booming)

(tires squealing)

- Cut, cut, cut, cut!

Mary, that was fantastic!

Symphony of violence in motion!

You were incredible.

Now let's set up the next shot.

(explosion booming)

Mary, are you alright?

- Yes, Jesus Christ!

Call my agent!

No, call my lawyer.

- Your lawyer, Mary--

- Don't touch me, P.G.

I'm gonna sue you.

You're not gonna

get away with this!

- Maybe we should hold

up on these stunts

till, uh, we know

what's going on.

(ominous music)

(growling)

(toilet flushing)

- Wait a minute,

P.G., wait a minute!

I worked for three

weeks on this script,

you can wait for three

minutes to hear me out!

What is this?

I didn't write that!

This is crap!

Look at all this junk

all over the place.

I didn't object when you changed

my 1950s movie into

science fiction.

From you, I expect that.

But my name's going on

this picture and this

is the biggest piece

of shit you ever made!

- Erich, come here,

wherever you are!

Look, come here.

Our writer says that we're

shitting on his concept

and he's making me very upset.

- You tell the writer,

P.G., that we've taken

his empty, flacid,

stupid little story

and firmed it up into a

pulsating, penetrating,

thrusting, unflinching

look into the future.

(dramatic music)

(metal creaking)

(metal clanging)

When I give you action,

I want you to pull up

about five feet, Candy,

and stop, you got that?

- Yeah.

- Ready Candy?

- Ready.

- Alright, roll the camera!

- [Cameraman] Rolling!

- Mutants, out of the way!

And action!

(metal grinding)

(screaming)

Car stop!

- [Candy] The brakes are gone!

- Ah, move, out of

the way, please!

- The truck, the

truck, oh, holy shit.

- Hurry up.

Bring the camera,

bring the camera.

Look out.

(chattering)

- [Scotty] I'm not

even minimum wage!

Why am I doing this?

- We won't be back for lunch!

(screaming)

Call it runaway

car scene take one.

- Slow down, slow down!

(screaming)

- Bobbi, what are you doing?

- He's filming us.

(dramatic music)

- Keep shooting,

this is good stuff.

(screaming)

No, no, no, not that way!

This way!

- I can't see her face!

- Bobbi, do something!

- Look out, explosives!

- Oh no!

(explosions booming)

(coughing)

- This is your close

up, Candy, look pretty!

Smile, that's it,

lot's of teeth!

(screaming)

Very nice!

- Get out of the way,

you're in the shot.

Get outta the way!

(screaming)

(dramatic music)

- Where are we, anyway?

(tires squealing)

(screaming)

- Shit!

Miracle pictures!

The only fucking miracle

about your pictures

is if anybody lives through 'em.

- Now we can't get

hysterical, we gotta remain--

- I mean, shit!

I'm no pussy!

I mean, I thought

the derby was tough,

but this is ridiculous.

- [P.G.] I promise

you, we'll be a little

more careful in the

future, alright?

- The future!

P.G., you just don't understand!

People are dying!

How can you be so cold-blooded

when it's your responsibility?

What are you collecting the

insurance on this or something?

I can't work for you anymore!

- You quit?

If you quit, it is over,

everything is over!

I am through!

- We'll manage.

- Get over here.

I want you to listen to me.

Sit down.

Bobbi, I have got everything

tied up in this film.

My house, my money,

my car, everything.

I mean, I owe a fortune.

If you leave, the picture is

dead, Miracle Pictures is dead,

and I am worse than

dead, I'm in jail.

- Oh Christ.

- Look, can't you just do this

one last picture for me, please?

- I don't know, P.G., I just--

- Look, I gotta keep

making pictures!

It's what I gotta do.

- Okay, this one

picture and that's it.

That's it.

- Okay baby.

I love you.

Listen, just relax.

I'll see ya later, alright?

It'll be alright.

(melancholy music)

- Now Godzina, all through the

picture Candy has rebuffed you.

And in this scene, your

motivation is to make

her understand that for

you, it's really love.

And while you're at

it, I want you to step

on as many people as possible.

(growling)

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

Oh, hi.

What, now?

Retakes?

Oh shit, you're kidding me.

Okay, I'll be over in

just a few minutes.

(eerie music)

Hello?

Anybody?

(wolf howling)

Hello?

Oh, Candy, you scared me!

Where is everybody,

are we early?

What is this, method

acting or something?

(ominous music)

(wolf howling)

Hey Candy, come on.

Hey, you're freaking me out.

Come on, what the--

(screaming)

(heavy breathing)

(dramatic music)

(glass shattering)

(screaming)

No!

(grunting)

(screaming)

(whimpering)

(screaming)

No!

(grunting)

(screaming)

- Ah!

Jesus, you scared me.

- Well the door was open.

- Have the police come up

with anything on Bobbi, yet?

- Are you kidding?

I think they're still

working on the theory

she was cleaning her knife

and it went off accidentally.

- And what's your theory?

- Well I'm down to two

actresses, you and Mary.

So maybe somebody's trying

to put me out of business.

- Or put Miracle

Pictures out of business.

- Are you kidding?

They couldn't buy this

kind of publicity.

- They couldn't be that low.

- Hey, that's show biz.

I wouldn't be surprised if P.G.

was doing this

for the publicity.

- Yeah, but the parachute,

the car, the bullet,

all the props are

Scotty's responsibility.

Then there's Erich, who's always

behind the cameras

filming everything.

- And what about Mary?

Mary would love to

see us all killed.

God am I glad we're out of this

whole thing once and for all.

- What do you mean, we?

- Well you certainly

aren't going

to go back and work

for them, are you?

- As a matter of fact, it's kind

of interesting around

Miracle Pictures.

Might make good material.

- You ghoul!

- And I don't want

you to quit either!

- Oh, you don't, huh?

- Candy, take it easy.

- My friends are getting

bumped off like politicians,

and you think it's

kinda interesting?

Well I think it's kinda sick!

- Where the hell are you going?

- I'm going home to pack,

because I am moving out.

(melancholy music)

- Looks like you're next.

(dramatic music)

(upbeat music)

- Listen, this is a

dog eat dog business,

and nobody's gonna eat me, you!

(dog growling)

- Give mother back her bracelet.

Come on!

(phone ringing)

Fancy, no growling,

mommy's on the telephone.

- Hello, Mary?

Say, is Candy with you?

- Candy?

No, what makes you

think she'd be here?

- Well, I'm kinda

worried about her.

- I'm very happy that you're

worried about her, Walter.

Why aren't you

worried about me, hmm?

Are you still working for me?

I haven't heard from

Miracle Pictures,

I haven't received my check,

and I wanna discuss the billing.

Her name is just

as large as mine.

- Mary, she called here

a little while ago,

and she was so upset I couldn't

understand what she

was talking about.

- What are you trying

to say, Walter?

- She said something

about she thought she knew

who the killer was but she

didn't know what to do.

- What makes you

think she'd call me?

- I don't know,

but she did say she

wanted to talk to

you about something.

- Um, why no, she

hasn't called here.

Do you have any idea

where she might be?

- No, I...

No, wait a minute.

She could be up at

the Hollywood sign.

She says she likes to

go up there to think.

- Walter, listen, I've

got to walk the dog.

If she calls, I'll

let you know, okay?

Alright, bye-bye, honey.

- Thanks.

You seen Candy?

- Yes and no.

- What does that mean?

- Just what I said, yes and no!

- Hey, enough romance.

Okay, can we see the rushes now?

- Right, P.G.

Roll 'em!

(Erich humming)

Watch this.

(laughing) That's pretty good.

- [Walter] If cars had agents,

I coulda been a millionaire.

- Well I guess that's it.

- That's real, isn't it?

- This isn't my material.

- Shut up, it's better

than any of your stuff.

(gasping)

- Ain't that a kick in the head,

I was just talking

to her on the phone.

- Mary, I shoulda known it!

Where was she when she called?

- Oh Christ, I sent

her after Candy.

- What?

- I told her she was probably

up there by the Hollywood sign.

- You get the cops, I'll head

up there, and move it, Walter!

(upbeat music)

(ax thumping)

Candy!

Mary!

(pistol booming)

(bullet whining)

- God dammit.

(pistol booming)

- [Patrick] Candy!

(pistol booming)

- Mary, he's got a gun!

- It won't stop me.

(screaming)

(sinister laughing)

- Drop it, Mary.

(screaming)

- You're the last.

You'll never be a star

now, you little cunt.

(cable snapping)

(screaming)

(dramatic music)

(fanfare music)

- [Group] To Hollywood!

To Hollywood!

(crowd applauding)

- Miss Wednesday,

how can you describe

the unanimous rave

reviews you received

on your latest film?

- Well, I suppose I was

just perfect for the part.

- In fact, you played

yourself, didn't you?

I mean, the film was made

from your experiences

in Hollywood?

- [Candy] Mine, and others.

Thank you, Walter.

- About this script.

This newcomer, Patrick Hoby--

- Hobby.

- Oh yes, he certainly turned

in a remarkably realistic job.

- Yes, Patrick.

- [Man] Boy, she's

taller in person.

- Isn't he cute?

Yeah, Patrick really did a

swell job on all his research.

In fact, he had

this old pool house.

Well, we really

aren't interested

in that this evening, are we?

- Look Harvey, it was

your idea to take Bimbo

out of the office

in the first place.

I still say the

elephant's an ingrate,

but you bring him back

tomorrow, we'll talk it over,

maybe I'll get him

something in Sabugo's Game.

Oh, thank you.

You really handle

that tray nice.

- Oh thank you, actually I'm

not a waiter, I'm a robot.

- Oh yeah?

- Candy, I've got a rather

personal question for you?

Do you achieve regular

multiple orgasms?

(women gasping)

- Have you been in pictures?

- Not recently, I

don't do nudity.

- Hey, an actor.

Miracle Pictures is gonna do a

remake of Gone with the Wind.

Let me hear you say, frankly

Scarlet, I don't give a damn.

- Frankly, Scarlet,

I don't give a damn.

- Uh, not quite.

You ever do any belly dancing?

- [Robot] No.

- [Walter] High wire work?

- [Robot] No.

- [Walter] I bet you give

a great Swedish massage.

♪ When I was young the

silver screen would show ♪

♪ Those things that made

a girl's heart glow ♪

♪ As my heroes loved

and died just for me ♪

♪ Did all the stars

shine so bright ♪

♪ Or the rainbow

of guiding light ♪

♪ Lead me to the

doorstep of my dreams ♪

♪ The highway to the stars

is a rough and rocky road ♪

♪ By the side lay

careers of those ♪

♪ Who couldn't pull their load

♪ Hello honest folks and fakes

♪ Hello good and bad mistakes

♪ Hello Hollywood

- Ooh, ah!

- And we fade out, the end!

Cut!

Hollywood Boulevard (1976) - full transcript