Holiday in Handcuffs (2007) - full transcript

[Sleigh Ride playing
on car radio]

♪ ♪

(Trudie)
I'M NOT CRAZY.

I'M A LONG WAY FROM CRAZY.

DOING ONE CRAZY THING
DOES NOT MAKE A PERSON CRAZY.

THOUGH I HAVE TO ADMIT
THIS ISN'T HOW I EXPECTED

TO BE SPENDING MY CHRISTMAS.

AND I'M SURE IT'S NOT HOW
DAVID MARTIN PLANNED

ON SPENDING HIS.

SO...YOU'VE BEEN WALKING
FOR WHAT, ABOUT AN HOUR?

AND YOU'VE GONE EXACTLY



1.8 MILES.

THE NEAREST GAS STATION
IS 20 MILES AWAY.

YOU DO THE MATH.

LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU JUST
COME BACK TO THE HOUSE?

WE'LL MAKE SOME
HOT CHOCOLATE, OKAY?

♪ OUR CHEEKS
ARE NICE AND ROSY ♪

ARE YOU OKAY?

NOTHING SMART TO SAY?

IS YOUR FACE FROZEN?

YOU...

ARE...

THE DEVIL.

♪ IT'S LOVELY WEATHER ♪

♪ FOR A SLEIGH RIDE TOGETHER
WITH YOU ♪



♪ DING A LING-A-LING
DING DONG DING ♪ ♪

[alarm beeping]

[silences alarm]

THE DAY STARTED OUT
LIKE EVERY OTHER DAY.

WHICH LATELY IS NOT
NECESSARILY A GOOD THING.

♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ SEEMS LIKE EVERYWHERE
YOU GO ♪

♪ PEOPLE SEARCHING FOR
AN EXPLANATION ♪

♪ NEED A REASON,
NEED A PLAN ♪

♪ ALWAYS HAVE TO KNOW
THE DESTINATION ♪

♪ ONE THING I KNOW
FOR SURE ♪

♪ GOTTA MAKE THE MOST
OF THE SITUATION ♪

♪ SETTLE DOWN
AND TAKE IT SLOW ♪

♪ 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T CONTROL
WHERE THE FLOW IS GOING ♪

♪ YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE
WHAT THEY SAY ♪

♪ LIFE'S NOT EASY ♪

♪ THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO
IS CRAZY... ♪

[cell phone rings]

♪ AND REACH UP
TO THE SKY ♪

♪ BELIEVE YOU'VE GOT
SOMETHING SPECIAL ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ THERE'S NO MOUNTAIN
YOU CAN'T CLIMB ♪

OH, CRAP!

TRUDIE, THAT WORD IS
SO TACKY.

(Trudie)
HI, MOM.

HI, HONEY.

WE'RE JUST GETTING
ORGANIZED HERE.

WE HAD TO BRING
EVERYTHING.

YOU NEVER KNOW
WITH A RENTAL.

SO YOU HAVE DIRECTIONS
AND EVERYTHING?

I DO.

I'M GOING TO BE DOING SEATING
ARRANGEMENTS FOR DINNER.

SO I JUST WANTED
TO MAKE SURE

THAT NICK IS STILL
COMING WITH YOU.

OF COURSE HE IS.

COCKTAILS AT 6:00 SHARP.

I KNOW, MOM.

[muted ring]

WE ARE SO EXCITED
TO MEET HIM, HONEY.

IT'S GOING TO BE
A VERY SPECIAL CHRISTMAS.

YOU THINK
HE COULD BE THE ONE?

I DON'T KNOW, MOM.

OH.

YEAH, MAYBE HE COULD.

LOOK, I DON'T HAVE TIME
TO TALK ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW.

I GOTTA GET READY
FOR THE INTERVIEW.

OH, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

WEAR YOUR CHRISTMAS DRESS.

IT'S A GREAT COLOR ON YOU,

AND THE STYLE REALLY
SLIMS YOUR HIPS.

MOM, NO,
I'M ALREADY DRESSED!

AND PLEASE, FOR CHRISTMAS
THIS YEAR,

NO MORE PINK SWEATERS,
PLEASE!

HONEY, PINK IS THE BEST
COLOR ON YOU

WITH YOUR BLUE EYES AND--

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
IF IT FITS ANYMORE.

I AM TELLING YOU YOU HAVE
TO DRESS FOR THE JOB...

OKAY...OKAY...OKAY!

HERE, HONEY,
TALK TO YOUR DAD.

NO, NO, NO, I DON'T
HAVE TIME TO TALK TO--

(Dad)
HEY, HEY!
HI, DAD.

LISTEN, YOU TOLD MR. PORTNOY

THAT I DON'T HAVE ANY
SALES EXPERIENCE, RIGHT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOU SOLD HIM LEMONADE.

I SOLD HIM LEMONADE
WHEN I WAS TEN,

WHEN HE CALLED ME
"LITTLE POOTIE."

LISTEN, NEVER TAKE NO
FOR AN ANSWER.

AND DO NOT LEAVE THAT ROOM
UNTIL THE JOB IS YOURS, OKAY?

OKAY, WELL, WHAT DID YOU
TELL HIM I'VE BEEN DOING?

WELL, I DIDN'T.

I JUST SAID
YOU'RE A LATE BLOOMER,

BUT THAT YOU'RE READY
TO GET YOUR LIFE TOGETHER.

SO YOU MAKE ME PROUD.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU.

LOVE YA, MWAH!
OKAY.

DRIVE SAFE, OKAY?
BYE.

LOVE YOU.

I CAN FEEL IT, HONEY.

I THINK THINGS ARE TURNING
AROUND FOR YOU.

OKAY.
BYE, MOM.

OH, HONEY, HONEY, BE SURE TO DO
SOMETHING WITH YOUR HAIR.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, NO!

THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!

[screams]

(Trudie)
YEP, THE DAY STARTED OUT
LIKE ANY OTHER.

EXCEPT IT WAS
ALMOST CHRISTMAS.

AND THE CONSTANT PRESSURE
FROM MY PARENTS

TO GET A REAL JOB
AND A SERIOUS BOYFRIEND

WAS TAKING ITS TOLL.

IT WAS ENOUGH TO DRIVE
ANYONE NUTS.

BUT AREN'T MOST OF US JUST
A HAIR AWAY FROM CRAZY ANYWAY?

I THINK DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN SANITY AND INSANITY

OFTEN COMES DOWN TO TIMING.

[tires squeal]

[glass shatters]

OH!

YOU BITCH!

[horn honks]

[elevator pings]

HI, TRUDIE CHANDLER.
I HAVE A--
YOU'RE LATE.

I KNOW, I'M SORRY.
HE CAN'T SEE YOU NOW.

OH, NO, NO, I KNOW
I'M A LITTLE LATE,

BUT YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND.

YOU SEE, MY PARENTS
AND MR. PORTNOY ARE NEIGHBORS.

SO MY DAD SET
THIS APPOINTMENT,

SO IT'S VERY IMPORTANT
THAT I SEE HIM.

IF IT WAS SO IMPORTANT,
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN ON TIME.

HE'S IN WITH HIS
NEXT INTERVIEW.

NO.

NO, HE CAN'T BE.

NO, I CAN'T MISS
THIS INTERVIEW.

DON'T EVEN
THINK ABOUT IT.

MR. PORTNOY, IT'S ME!
LITTLE POOTIE!

FROM THE CORNER!
COME ON!

COME ON, YOU KNOW
I CAN SELL.

I MADE MORE MONEY

THAN ANY OF THOSE OTHER GIRLS
ON THE STREET!

WE HAVE A CODE RED UP HERE.

[grunting]

BUT THINGS ARE FINALLY
TURNING AROUND FOR ME.

OH!
HOW'D IT GO?

I'M PRETTY SURE
I DIDN'T GET IT.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I DON'T PAY YOU TO CHITCHAT
WITH YOUR FRIEND, OKAY?

GET TO WORK OR YOU'LL BE
OUT IN THE GUTTER.

SHUT UP, TAJ.

YOU'RE GONNA FIRE ME
LIKE I'M GONNA SLEEP WITH YOU.

HE WOULD NOT KEEP HIS
GREAT-GRANDFATHER'S GUN HERE

IF HE KNEW HOW CLOSE I COME
TO KILLING HIM EVERY DAY.

OH, MY GOD.
UGH, I LEFT IT IN TOO LONG.

MY MOM'S ALWAYS COMPLAINING
THAT MY HAIR HANGS IN MY FACE.

OH, MY GOD.

IT'S MY CHRISTMAS DRESS.
MY MOM GOT IT FOR ME.

TAJ IS REALLY INTO
CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR.

BUT HE'S HINDU.

PSSH.

HOW DO I LOOK?

OH, SWEETIE.

OH, LUCY, I COMPLETELY
BLEW THE INTERVIEW.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
I HAVE TO GO HOME TODAY.

THERE'S GONNA BE
NOWHERE TO HIDE.

I MEAN, MY MOM WANTED THIS
TO BE A SPECIAL CHRISTMAS,

SO SHE RENTED A CABIN
IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.

WE'RE GONNA BE TRAPPED
LIKE THE SHINING.

I'M SORRY.

I'D OFFER TO COME
WITH YOU,

BUT STEVE AND I ARE
HAVING OUR FIRST

CHRISTMAS ALONE TOGETHER.

THAT'S OKAY.

I STILL HAVE ONE MORE
CHANCE FOR SURVIVAL.

NICK'S COMING WITH ME.

TABLE TWO WANTS THEIR CHECK.
TABLE TWO.

WHAT?

THAT'S A LITTLE FAST,
ISN'T IT?

NO, IT'S BEEN
A COUPLE OF MONTHS.

BESIDES, I HAVE NOTHING
TO OFFER THESE PEOPLE.

NO HUSBAND.
NO GRANDCHILDREN.

MY DAD ALREADY THINKS
I'M A LESBIAN.

SO YOU'RE USING NICK TO GET
YOUR PARENTS OFF YOUR BACK.

YES--NO!

HE'S JUST GREAT
AT FIRST IMPRESSIONS.

MY PARENTS ARE GONNA
LOVE HIM.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE
AGAINST HIM ANYWAY.

I GUESS ELITIST JACKASSES
AREN'T MY TYPE.

THEY'RE NOT YOURS EITHER.

LOOK, SO HIS FAMILY
OWNS BANKS.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH WEALTHY
AND SUCCESSFUL FOR A CHANGE?

IT'S EASY TO BE WEALTHY
AND SUCCESSFUL

IF YOU'RE BORN INTO WEALTH
AND HANDED SUCCESS.

WELL, HE'S COMING
TO PICK ME UP AT 2:00,

SO CAN YOU PLEASE
TRY TO CONTROL

THE CHRONIC BITCH-ITIS,
PLEASE?

CHECK, CHECK, CHECK.
TABLE TWO, CHECK, HURRY UP!

I SAID I WANTED
HOT FUDGE, YOU CHOWDERHEAD.

NICE.

(Nick)
EXCUSE ME.

WHEN ARE YOU GONNA QUIT
THIS HEINOUS JOB?

OH, YOU'RE HERE, YES!

OH, MY GOD.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

BELIEVE IT OR NOT,
I WAS TRYING

NOT TO ATTRACT ATTENTION
FROM MY PARENTS.

YEAH, ABOUT THAT.

I THINK I'M GONNA PASS

ON THE WHOLE HOLIDAY
SONG AND DANCE.

WHAT IS THAT
SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

WELL, JUST MEETING
YOUR PARENTS

IS A WHOLE OTHER LEVEL,

AND I DON'T THINK
WE'RE THERE YET.

OH, UH-HUH,
OKAY, OKAY, UH-HUH.

WELL, DO YOU THINK
THAT MAYBE

IN LIKE THE NEXT TEN MINUTES
WE COULD GET TO THAT LEVEL?

BECAUSE MY PARENTS
ARE EXPECTING YOU

TO COME HOME WITH ME.

I DON'T THINK WE'RE EVER
GONNA GET THERE, SWEETHEART.

YOU CAN'T BAIL
ON ME NOW, NICK.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
COCKTAILS ARE AT 6:00 SHARP!

I NEED YOU.

YEAH, THE NEEDY THING?
NOT A TURN ON.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

THIS IS--THIS IS
NOT HAPPENING!

WHY DID YOU TELL ME

YOU WERE GONNA COME HOME
WITH ME FOR CHRISTMAS

IF YOU WERE NEVER
GONNA DO IT?

BECAUSE I KNEW THAT THAT'S
WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR.

YOU KNOW, AND WE HADN'T
HAD SEX YET, SO...

HEH.
YEAH, SEE YOU LATER.

WAIT!

IF YOU WALK OUT
THAT DOOR NOW,

WE ARE SO OVER.

UH...YEAH.

OKAY.

[bell rings]

OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

HEY, WHAT'S UP?
I'M WAITING FOR JESSICA.

RIGHT OVER THERE.

DUDE, OF COURSE
I'M SURE.

SO WISH ME LUCK, OKAY?
THANK YOU.

BYE.

HEY, HEY, HEY!
WAKE UP!

COME ON, HURRY UP.
CUSTOMER, TABLE TEN!

GO, GO, GO!

TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH.

WHAT CAN I GET FOR YOU?

UH, I'LL TAKE
A CHEESEBURGER AND FRIES

AND A CAESAR SALAD, PLEASE.
DRESSING ON THE SIDE.

DO YOU NEED
TO WRITE IT DOWN?

[bell rings repeatedly]

[overlapping voices]

MM, THIS IS GOOD,
THIS IS GOOD!

(Dad)
SAID YOU WERE A LATE BLOOMER.

(Trudie)
YOU CAN'T BAIL
ON ME NOW, NICK!

(Katherine)
COCKTAILS ARE AT 6:00.

ACTUALLY IT WAS MY FATHER'S.

(Nick)
'CAUSE I KNEW THAT'S WHAT
YOU WANTED TO HEAR,

AND WE HADN'T HAD SEX YET.

I DON'T THINK WE'RE EVER
GONNA GET THERE, SWEETHEART.

YOU OKAY?
WHERE'S NICK?

OH, MERRY CHRISTMAS.

[cell phone ringing]

HEY, WHAT IS
THAT RINGING?

WHAT IS THAT?

HELLO, MOM.

TRUDIE?
I KNEW IT.

YOU HAVEN'T LEFT YET,
HAVE YOU?
I'M SORRY, MOM.

I SAID 6:00.

HONEY, WHAT PART OF THAT

DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?

YOU KNOW, TRUDIE,

THE ENTIRE WORLD CAN MANAGE
TO BE ON TIME.

WHY CAN'T YOU DO
THIS ONE THING FOR ME?

ARE YOU TRYING
TO RUIN CHRISTMAS?

TRUDIE?

WE'RE LEAVING NOW.

NICK'S BRINGING
DINNER CLOTHES, RIGHT?

YEAH, HE'S WEARING
A BLUE BLAZER,

DRESS SHIRT, PINK TIE.

DID YOU PLAN
THE MATCHING PINK?

NO, WE DIDN'T PLAN IT.
GET IN THE CAR.

EXCUSE ME.
YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO THE BATHROOM.

OH, THIS ISN'T
THE RESTROOM?

YOU'RE COMING WITH ME.

NO, I'M GOING
TO THE BATHROOM.

UH, LOOK, I'M NOT SURE
WHAT KIND OF

GOVERNMENT-SPONSORED
WORK PROGRAM

YOU'RE A PART OF, BUT I--
[gun cocks]

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

IT'S A GUN.
ARE YOU SURE?

YEAH, IT'S A GUN.

IT WAS USED
TO FIGHT THE BRITISH.

MAYBE YOU HEARD
OF A LITTLE THING

CALLED THE INDIAN WAR
OF INDEPENDENCE, 1857.

YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?

[grunting]
MOVE IT!

HEY, WATCH IT!

AAH--UNH!

OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!

WAKE UP.
WAKE UP!

[grunting]

YOU, BLITZEN.

EXCUSE YOU?

I'M LOOKING
FOR MY BOYFRIEND.

HANDSOME,
NICE DIMPLES.

HANDSOME, NICE DIMPLES.
DON'T SEE HIM.

MAYBE THIS IS HIS WAY
OF DUMPING YOU.

OH!

♪ YOU SAY I GOTTA
LEARN A LESSON TODAY ♪

♪ YEAH, HEY, HEY, HEY ♪

♪ YOU SAY I NEED
A GOOD PUNCH IN THE FACE ♪

♪ YEAH, HEY, HEY, HEY ♪

UNH.

HI.
HUH?

HI?

HOW'S YOUR HEAD?

HOW ABOUT I TAKE
THE BLINDFOLD OFF NOW?

HOW'D THAT BE?

HI.

HELLO.

[straining]

LOOK, I'M NOT SURE
WHAT'S GOING ON

OR WHAT YOU WANT
FROM ME,

BUT THIS PLAN DOESN'T
SEEM VERY WELL THOUGHT OUT.

LET'S FACE IT.
I'M A GUY.

AND SOONER OR LATER,
I WILL OVERPOWER YOU.

YEAH, GOOD POINT.

UNLESS YOU KNOCK
YOURSELF OUT FIRST.

OR I SHOOT YOU.
[gun cocks]

YOU SEEM LIKE A NICE GIRL.

PROBABLY NOTHING A LITTLE
LITHIUM COULDN'T FIX.

COME ON, YOU'RE NOT REALLY

GONNA SHOOT ME
WITH THAT THING.

[squeaking]

AAH!

AAH!
OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD!

SORRY.

[soft rock
playing on car radio]

♪ ♪

(Trudie)
SO THIS IS THE DEAL.

YOU'RE COMING HOME WITH ME
TO SPEND CHRISTMAS

WITH MY FAMILY
AS MY BOYFRIEND NICK,

WHO UNFORTUNATELY
COULDN'T MAKE IT.

I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING
LIKE THAT, LOONEY TUNES.

YOU DON'T EXACTLY
HAVE A CHOICE, DWAYNE.

IT'S DAVID, AND...

OH!

YOUR BOYFRIEND DUMPED YOU.

NO, I TOLD YOU.
HE COULDN'T MAKE IT.

RIGHT.

YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE
HAIRY LADY

MAN-HATER TYPES
WHO'S BEEN REJECTED

TIME AFTER TIME,

AND NOW
YOU'RE TAKING IT OUT

ON AN INNOCENT BYSTANDER.

WHAT?
NO, I'M NOT!

[engine turns off]

GAS, GAS STATION.

GREEN AND WHITE SIGN,
GREEN AND WHITE.

HEY, YOU KNOW
THERE'S NO WAY

YOU'RE GONNA PULL
THIS OFF, RIGHT?

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO,

HOLD THE GUN ON ME DURING
CHRISTMAS DINNER?

THE SECOND I GET TO YOUR HOUSE
AND TELL YOUR FAMILY

HOW DEMENTED YOU ARE--
HEY!

HEY, THAT'S GETTING
PERSONAL.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

NO CELL PHONE?

IT'S IN MY COAT.
AT THE DINER.

WHERE I LEFT IT
BEFORE I WAS KIDNAPPED!

[straining]

MAN, WHAT IS THIS STUFF
MADE OF?

[bell rings]

OH, HELLO.

HI.

[clerk chuckling]

UH, JUST $10 WORTH
AND THIS.

AH.

[cash register beeping]

THERE YOU GO.

I USUALLY PUMP THE GAS
FOR THE PRETTY LADIES.

OH, PLEASE,
THAT'S NOT NECESSARY.

YOU WOULDN'T WANT
TO DENY AN OLD MAN

ONE OF THE FEW PLEASURES
HE HAS LEFT.

OH, NO, REALLY!

YOU DON'T
HAVE TO DO THAT.

I CAN HANDLE IT.

(clerk)
WHOA!

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE,
SWEETHEART?

UH, THAT'S MY BOYFRIEND.

I'M SURPRISING HIM
WITH A WEEKEND IN THE WOODS.

YOU KNOW, THE WILD
KIND OF WEEKEND.

THE "TIE ME UP,
TIE ME DOWN" KIND.

YOU BETTER COME
WITH ME, YOUNG LADY.

I REALLY
DON'T HAVE TIME.

[pump ringing]

THESE ARE
ON THE HOUSE, HONEY.

OH!
OH, THANKS.

YEAH.

WELL, YOU BETTER
WATCH OUT,

OR I'LL COME BACK
FOR YOU NEXT.

[chuckling]

OKAY.

SO...THIS KIDNAPPING

JUST GOT A LITTLE BIT
MORE PROFESSIONAL.

(David)
YOU'RE KIDDING.

[straining]

AND MORE COMFY TOO,
RIGHT?

AND JUST SLIGHTLY
MORE HUMILIATING.

[engine starts]

LUCKY LITTLE BASTARD.

[chuckles]

[soft rock
playing on radio]

♪ ♪

LOOK, I'D LIKE
TO APOLOGIZE FOR EARLIER

FOR RAISING MY VOICE
AND FOR...

YOU KNOW, SHOOTING
NEAR YOUR...MANHOOD.

BEEF JERKY?

THANK YOU.
THAT'S VERY KIND.

OKAY, SO I THINK
WE SHOULD SHARE

A FEW IMPORTANT FACTS
ABOUT EACH OTHER.

LET ME GUESS.
UM...

YOU'RE SOME SORT
OF A VICE PRESIDENT

OF A--A COMPANY
YOUR FATHER OWNS.

OKAY, THAT'S A YES.

UM...

YOUR PARENTS
BOUGHT YOUR FIRST HOUSE.

YOU SAIL AND GOLF.

I'M GUESSING
A 14 HANDICAP.

AND YOU'RE PROBABLY
SOME SORT OF

A ZETA BETA BETA
SCHMETA.

OKAY, YES, YES, AND YES.

I'M A TEN HANDICAP.

OH, HOW GREAT FOR YOU.

WELL, I THINK
IT'S SAFE TO SAY

I'VE LOST MY JOB
AT TAJ'S DINER DELUXE.

I LIVE IN A CRAPPY LOFT
DOWNTOWN.

I DON'T GOLF.

YEAH, THAT PRETTY MUCH
SUMS IT UP.

[engine turns off]

UGH.

OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[Nutcracker Suite playing]

[front door opens
and closes]

(Katherine)
OOH, THERE SHE IS!

LOOK WHO'S HERE!
OH, MY BABY, OH!

MOM, DON'T CRY.

LET ME LOOK AT YOU--
OH, MY GOSH!

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
TO YOUR HAIR?

YOU LOOK LIKE
ONE OF THOSE ACTRESSES

IN A PORNOGRAPHIC MOVIE.

I HAVE PORN STAR HAIR?

HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW
WHAT A PORN STAR LOOKS LIKE?

TRUDIE!

OH, BUT LET ME LOOK
AT THE DRESS.

OH, IT LOOKS GORGEOUS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK,
RICHARD?

I THINK IT'S TOO TIGHT.
HI, DAD.

SO WHAT THE HELL
HAPPENED TODAY?

I DON'T KNOW.
I WAS LATE--

MR. PORTNOY DID THIS
AS A FAVOR.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S A REFLECTION ON ME.

I KNOW, AND I'M SORRY--
I'M SORRY.

COULD WE NOT TALK
ABOUT THIS NOW?

I DON'T WANT
TO RUIN CHRISTMAS

BY ALL THIS
NEGATIVE TALK.

WHERE'S NICK?

OH, HE'S IN THE CAR.

BUT I WANTED
TO TELL YOU GUYS.

YOU KNOW WHEN WE GO
TO A RESTAURANT

AND DAD TELLS JOKES
TO THE WAITRESSES

AND THEY'RE STUPID
AND EMBARRASSING

BUT HE THINKS IT'S FUNNY?
MM-HMM.

WELL, UM, SOMETIMES

WHEN NICK FEELS AWKWARD
IN A SOCIAL SITUATION

HE DOES THIS WHOLE,
"I DIDN'T WANT TO BE HERE,

I'VE BEEN
KIDNAPPED" THING.

KIND OF WEIRD,
BUT HE THINKS IT'S FUNNY.

SO JUST LAUGH ALONG

SO IT DOESN'T MAKE HIM
FEEL BAD, OKAY?

OKAY.

WE'RE VERY EXCITED
TO MEET HIM.

OKAY, LOOK, DAD, PLEASE

TRY NOT
TO EMBARRASS HIM, OKAY?

YEAH, FINE.

OKAY, WE'RE ON.

NO, I'M NOT GOING.

WELL, IT'S NICE AND WARM
IN THE HOUSE.

YOU'LL FREEZE TO DEATH
OUT HERE.

FINE, THIS CHARADE'S
ABOUT TO END RIGHT NOW.

[front door slams]

AHEM.

WELCOME.

OH, THIS IS SO,
SO SPECIAL.

YOU ARE THE FIRST BOYFRIEND
TRUDIE'S EVER BROUGHT HOME.

YEAH, WE THOUGHT MAYBE
SHE LIKED THE INNIES.

YOU KNOW,
NOT THE OUTIES.

OH, MY GOD, RICHARD!
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

OKAY.

LISTEN TO ME
VERY CAREFULLY.

SHE FORCED ME
TO COME HERE.

THIS WOMAN
HELD ME AT GUNPOINT,

KIDNAPPED ME, AND BROUGHT ME
TO THIS HOUSE

AS HER HOSTAGE.

[laughter]

I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN.

WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?
DID YOU JUST HEAR ME?

YEAH.
MM-HMM.

YOUR DAUGHTER IS A CRAZY,
DANGEROUS, CRIMINAL.

YES, SHE IS!
OOH...

WOULD YOU LIKE
SOME EGGNOG?

I HAVE A SECRET INGREDIENT
THAT MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

[whispering]
IT'S GROUND CLOVES.

WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

ARE YOU ALL NUTS?

ALL RIGHT, HONEY,
THAT'S ENOUGH.

I WILL BE RIGHT BACK.
YOU HAVE YOURSELF A SEAT, NICK.

MY NAME IS NOT NICK!

YEAH, HE DOES THAT TOO.

AND I WILL NOT HAVE A SEAT!

OKAY, WELL, I'M GONNA GO
HELP MOM WITH THE EGGNOG.

OH.

[laughing]
COME ON.

NICK, HAVE A SEAT.
COME ON.

MOM, I WAS WONDERING

IF I COULD BE
KEY MASTER THIS YEAR.

REALLY?

USUALLY YOU HATE
THE IDEA OF KEY MASTER.

YEAH, YOU KNOW,
THE IDEA OF BEING

FORCIBLY TRAPPED
AT THE HOLIDAYS

USED TO BOTHER ME,
BUT NOW I SEE

THE HIGHER
SOCIAL PURPOSE.

AH-HA, WELL, YOU SURE
YOU CAN HANDLE GRANDMA?

YOU KNOW HOW SHE IS.

AND THAT'S BEFORE
SHE DIPS INTO THE EGGNOG.

SHE'S LIKE 75 YEARS OLD.

YES, BUT SHE'S STILL
FREAKISHLY STRONG.

I THINK I CAN HANDLE IT.

I'M TRUSTING YOU.

HELLO!

HELLO!
IS ANYONE OUT THERE?

[animal howls]

[croaking]
HELP.

[shivering]

LOOK, SIR, I THINK
I CAN CLEAR UP

THIS SITUATION,
AND WE CAN FORGET

THE WHOLE THING
EVER HAPPENED.

I JUST NEED TO USE
THE PHONE.

NO PHONES IN THE HOUSE.

WHAT ABOUT A CELL PHONE?

AH, THE KEY MASTER'S GOT
ALL THE CELL PHONES.

APPARENTLY IT INTERFERES
WITH OUR QUALITY FAMILY TIME.

[chuckles]
YEAH, WHAT ARE
YOU GONNA DO?

[front door opens]

(man)
OH, THIS PLACE IS GREAT!

OH, WOW.

GANG'S ALL HERE!

HEY!
HI, DAD!

HOW DID MY KIDS
GET SO GOOD LOOKING?

MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL
IN THE WORLD.

(woman)
MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I WANT TO HEAR
ALL ABOUT SCHOOL.

HEY, HOW ARE YOU, STUD?

I'M GOOD.
THAT'S MY BOY.

GOSH, YOU LOOK STUNNING.
HAVE YOU LOST WEIGHT?

NO. I CUT OUT
DAIRY THOUGH.

YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.
THANKS, MOM.

MOM, YOU LOOK GOOD.
HI!

WOW, MOM, YOU HAVE REALLY

MADE IT LOOK PERFECT

AND CHRISTMASSY.

THANK YOU.
YEAH, SOME DIGS, MA.

WHAT, DID YOU CASH IN
DAD'S 401K?

HEY!

HEY, WHERE'S JAN?

I THOUGHT SHE WAS COMING.

I TOLD YOU SHE HAD
TO STAY IN TOWN TO WORK.

I'M LUCKY I COULD TAKE
THE TIME OFF.

YOU WORK TOO HARD.

WELL, MARKETS DON'T STOP
WHEN I'M NOT THERE, MA.

HEY, NUMB NUTS,
COME HERE!

LOOK AT THIS HAIR!
WHAT IS THAT?

LOOK AT THAT!
JAKE, JAKE,
WE HAVE COMPANY.

I WOULD LIKE YOU TO MEET
TRUDIE'S BOYFRIEND, NICK.

HEY, NICE TO MEET YOU.

I'M NOT HER BOYFRIEND!

I MET HER TODAY WHEN
SHE POKED A MUSKET IN MY RIBS,

TIED ME UP
WITH FURRY HANDCUFFS,

AND DROVE ME TO WHEREVER
I AM RIGHT NOW.

FURRY HANDCUFFS.
NOW I'M EMBARRASSED.

[laughter]

HE'S--IT'S--
OH, IT'S A WHOLE THING.

ALL RIGHT,
COME HERE.

LOOK, JAKE--IS IT JAKE?
YEAH.

YOU LOOK LIKE
A REASONABLE PERSON.

LISTEN TO ME, MAN.

YOU MAY THINK
YOUR SISTER IS NORMAL.

BUT SHE'S NOT.
BELIEVE ME.

SHE IS A PSYCHOPATH.

TELL ME ABOUT IT!

HUH?
HA HA!

ALL RIGHT,
I WANT EGGNOG.

COME ON, NICK.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.
COME ON.

OKAY, NICK,
YOU'LL BE IN HERE.

AND, TRUDIE--
MOM, I AM 27 YEARS OLD.

I'M GONNA SLEEP IN THE SAME
ROOM AS MY BOYFRIEND.

END OF STORY.

OH.
OKAY, DEAR.

YEAH, YOU BETTER GET
USED TO THESE BUNK BEDS.

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT
YOU'RE GONNA BE SHARING

WITH YOU NEW JAIL BUDDIES,
MAD DOG AND ROZ.

WHY DON'T YOU TRY
AND RELAX?

OH, MAKE NO MISTAKE,
FREAK SHOW.

I WILL FIND A WAY
OUT OF HERE.

AND WHAT'S GONNA
KEEP ME GOING

IS THE LOOK
ON YOUR TWISTED FACE

AS THEY HAUL YOU OFF
TO THE SLAMMER.

YOU KNOW, YOU MIGHT AS WELL
SETTLE DOWN,

BECAUSE THERE'S
NO WAY OUT OF HERE.

SEE, AS THE KEY MASTER,
I HAVE CONTROL

OF ALL THE CAR KEYS
AND CELL PHONES,

WHICH I'VE HIDDEN QUITE WELL,
IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF.

SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL TRY
AND GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP

BECAUSE WE HAVE A COUPLE
OF BIG DAYS

AHEAD OF US, SHNOOKUMS.

[snoring]

BE THE KEY MASTER.
BE THE KEY MASTER.

THERE'S GOTTA BE
A NEIGHBOR SOMEWHERE.

♪ COME ON,
IT'S LOVELY WEATHER ♪

♪ FOR A SLEIGH RIDE
TOGETHER WITH YOU ♪

♪ OUTSIDE THE SNOW
IS FALLING ♪

♪ AND FRIENDS
ARE CALLING YOO-HOO ♪

♪ COME ON,
IT'S LOVELY WEATHER ♪

♪ FOR A SLEIGH RIDE
TOGETHER WITH YOU... ♪

SO...YOU'VE BEEN WALKING
FOR WHAT, ABOUT AN HOUR?

LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU JUST
COME BACK TO THE HOUSE?

WE'LL MAKE SOME
HOT CHOCOLATE, OKAY?

♪ OUR CHEEKS
ARE NICE AND ROSY ♪

♪ AND COMFY AND COZY
ARE WE ♪

[engine turns off]

NO HOT CHOCOLATE
FOR YOU THEN?

[cell phone vibrating]

HELLO.

HEY, IT'S ME.

WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOU YESTERDAY?

YOU LOOKED KIND OF STRANGE.

AND THEN I TURNED AROUND
AND YOU WERE GONE.

ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH, I'M FINE.

WELL, NOT EXACTLY FINE.

I THINK I HAD A LITTLE BIT
OF A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

I DIDN'T KNOW
THEY CAME IN SIZES.

YEAH, AND I--

I DID SOMETHING
KIND OF CRAZY.

HEY, GOOD MORNING.

MORNING.

COME ON, SIT DOWN.

I'LL MAKE YOU
A SPECIAL BREAKFAST.

IT'S NOT THAT BIG
OF A DEAL.

NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL?

YOU HAVE TO LET HIM GO
RIGHT NOW.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO
AFTER THE HOLIDAYS?

YOU CAN'T KEEP HIM.
HE'S NOT A PUPPY.

I KNOW.

LOOK, I HAVEN'T THOUGHT
THAT FAR AHEAD,

BUT I'LL FIGURE IT OUT.

I HOPE YOU LIKE
EGGS BENEDICT,

AND I HOPE
YOU'RE HUNGRY.

A LITTLE FRUIT SALAD.

HERE YOU GO.

THANK YOU.
MM-HMM.

YOU DIDN'T SLEEP
IN THOSE CLOTHES, DID YOU?

YEAH, I'M TRYING
TO TELL YOU THAT--

OH, YOU KNOW IN ALL THE CHAOS,
WE FORGOT HIS SUITCASE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

I LEFT IT AT THE DINER.

YOU KNOW I SHOULD REALLY
CALL ABOUT THAT, BUNNY.

COULD I BORROW
YOUR PHONE, PLEASE?

SORRY, I DIDN'T BRING
MY PHONE, SWEET PEA.

YES, YOUR DID.
IT'S IN YOUR--

OH!
TRUDIE!

OHH.

YOU WERE SUPPOSED
TO PUT THAT AWAY.

RIGHT.
FORGOT.

I'LL GO GET YOU
SOMETHING TO WEAR

WHILE I WASH
YOUR CLOTHES.

RICHARD ALWAYS BRINGS
A FEW THINGS

HE THINKS HE'LL BE ABLE
TO FIT INTO

IF HE LOSES TEN POUNDS.

GIVE ME THE PHONE.
COME AND GET IT.

GIVE IT!
NO!

YOU KNOW, I RAN TRACK
IN HIGH SCHOOL.

I PLAYED FOOTBALL,
AND MY NICKNAME WAS FLASH.

OOH, SCARY!

YOU KNOW, I WAS ALSO
REALLY GOOD AT HOME EC.

OH, REALLY?
THAT'S USEFUL.

RIGHT, IT IS.

BECAUSE I WAS REALLY GOOD
AT MAKING ONE DISH.

WHAT'S THAT?

BEEF TENDERLOIN.

EXTRA TENDER.

DON'T DO IT.
DON'T DO IT!

HERE YOU GO, NICK.

THANK YOU.

[breathes deeply]
THIS SUCKS.

SO THE SHEEP DOG SAYS,
"THE SHEEP DOG DON'T TALK."

YOU GET IT?

(Trudie)
NO.

[laughter]

OH, YOU DON'T GET IT?

OH, NICE LOOK.

YEAH, REGANOMICS, HUH?

NO!

[silverware clatters]

[exhales]

I FORGOT THE EXTRA VIRGIN
OLIVE OIL.

HOW COULD THAT
HAVE HAPPENED?

I'D BE HAPPY TO GO
TO THE STORE FOR YOU.

NO, MOM.

I SHOULD GO.
IT'D BE RUDE TO SEND A GUEST.

IT IS A LONG DRIVE.

NO, REALLY,
IT'D BE MY PLEASURE.

WELL, NICK,
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
RICHARD WILL DRIVE.

YOU GO WITH HIM.
MOM--

TRUDIE, TRUDIE, I'M GONNA
NEED YOUR HELP, HONEY.

AND THIS IS A GOOD OPPORTUNITY
FOR THE MEN TO, YOU KNOW,

HAVE SOME QUALITY TIME
TOGETHER.

MOM!
GERTRUDE MARIE.

WELL, COME ON, NICK.
RICHARD WILL DRIVE.

YOU GO GET THE KEYS.

THANK YOU!

[Richard humming]

THIS SHOULD UNDO
THE DAMAGE.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU WERE THINKING.

WHO PERMS
THEIR HAIR ANYMORE?

NO OFFENSE, BUT THIS
LOOK SAYS DESPERATE.

GUYS CAN TELL WHEN
YOU'RE TRYING TOO HARD.

SO YOU DATING ANYONE
AT LAW SCHOOL, KATIE?

I'M DATING A FEW GUYS.

KATIE!

I DIDN'T SAY I SLEPT
WITH THEM.

I'M NOT A SLUT.

I KNOW.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW HOW TRUDIE
HOOKED UP WITH NICK.

HE IS SO HOT.

OH, I JUST GAVE HIM
NO CHOICE...

BUT TO LOVE ME.

YEAH, WELL,
HE IS SOMETHING.

HE'S WELL-SPOKEN.
HE'S SUCCESSFUL.

HE'S HANDSOME.

I THINK YOUR FATHER'S

TAKEN A LIKING TO HIM.

I'M SURE THEY'RE BONDING.

[engine turns off]

MISTER, YOU HAVE TO HELP ME.
I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED.

LET ME GUESS.

BY A SEXY LADY
IN A PINK DRESS.

YES, YES, YOU REMEMBER!

AND SHE TIED YOU UP
AND BLINDFOLDED YOU.

YES, YES, THAT'S RIGHT,
THAT'S RIGHT!

AND SHE SPANKS YOU
AND DOES NAUGHTY THINGS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
EW, THAT'S DISGUSTING.

EXTRA VIRGIN
OLIVE OIL.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

CAN YOU REALLY BE
AN EXTRA VIRGIN?

[chuckling]

GOT A LITTLE WOMAN AT HOME

LOVES TO HAVE EVERYTHING
LATHERED UP IN OIL.

NOT THAT I'M COMPLAINING.

THAT'S THE BEST THING
ABOUT THE HOLIDAYS.

NO GUILT.
RIGHT, SON?

OH.

[pounding on door]

WHERE IN GOD'S NAME
ARE WE?

I'M FREEZING
MY TA-TAS OFF.

WELL, MERRY CHRISTMAS
TO YOU TOO, GRANDMA.

OH, DON'T CALL ME THAT!

UNH!

ALL RIGHT, OLD MAN,
I'M NOT LEAVING HERE

UNTIL YOU HELP ME!

I'M COMING BACK THERE
AND I'M GONNA USE THAT PHONE.

THERE'S NOT GONNA BE
ANY TROUBLE

IN MY STORE,
SUPER FREAK.

NOW BACK THAT ASS UP
NICE AND SLOW.

[exhales]

I'M GONNA TURN THE RADIO--

[both screaming
and grunting]

I'M BUSTING OUT OF HERE!

CALM DOWN, SON!

I JUST WANT
TO GO HOME!

OH, I KNOW.

RELATIONSHIPS CAN SEEM
SUFFOCATING AT TIMES,

BUT, YOU KNOW,
IT'LL PASS.

NOW DON'T YOU WORRY.
THIS'LL BE OUR LITTLE SECRET.

THERE IT IS.

(Jake)
SWEET.

DON'T TAKE THE PIECES
FROM MY SIDE, PLEASE.

THERE'S PIECES
MISSING.

HI, HI.
HOW'D IT GO?

(Richard)
EVERYTHING'S FINE,
HONEY.

YEAH, EVERYTHING'S FINE.

[pants rip]

[David grunts]

[family chuckling]
UH-OH!

OH, JUST LIKE
PAUL NEWMAN.

NICE, FIRM--

GRANDMA!

DOLORES GRANT.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

HEY, DUDE, I'VE GOT
SOME CLOTHES YOU CAN BORROW.

COME ON.

WHATEVER.
THANKS, MAN.

[laughter]

I DIDN'T LIKE THOSE PANTS
ANYWAY.

HERE, TRY THOSE.

YOU HAVE A PHONE?

YEAH.
KEEP IT TO YOURSELF, THOUGH.

YOU KNOW HOW MY MOM IS
ABOUT PHONES AT CHRISTMAS.

HEH.

UH, I NEED TO MAKE A CALL.

COULD I BORROW IT
FOR A MINUTE?

SURE.

THANKS.

[knock]
I'LL BE OUT
IN A MINUTE!

LET'S GO IN THERE,
SUNSHINE.

(Jessica's voice)
HI, YOU'VE REACHED
JESSICA'S VOICEMAIL.

DAMN IT!

[telephone ringing]

MARIA.

HELLO.

MRS. BARBER, IT'S DAVID.

HELLO, DARLING.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.

(David)
I WAS LOOKING FOR JESSICA,

BUT I DON'T HAVE TIME
FOR THAT NOW.

LISTEN, I'VE BEEN
TAKEN HOSTAGE!

MARIA, I CAN'T
REACH MY DRINK!

MRS. BARBER,
ARE YOU THERE?

LET ME GET JESSICA
FOR YOU, DARLING.

JESSICA!

NO, NO, NO, MRS. BARBER,
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

MARIA.

MARIA--AAH!

OH, NO, MRS. BARBER.

NOT AGAIN.

HEY, WHERE'S NICK?

HE'S ON THE PHONE.

PHONE?
WHAT PHONE?

MY PHONE.

OH!
OH, MAN!

[telephone ringing]

HELLO.

JESSICA!
WHO'S THIS?

IT'S DAVID.

I'VE GOT SOMETHING
REALLY IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU.

REALLY?

BECAUSE YOU SAID THAT
YOU HAD SOMETHING IMPORTANT

TO SAY YESTERDAY,
AND THEN YOU STOOD ME UP.

IS MY BOYFRIEND
IN THERE?

DAISY MAE HAS BEEN IN THERE
PRIMPING FOR TEN MINUTES.

OPEN THIS DOOR!

(Jessica)
I SKIPPED
MY GAMMA PI DELTA

ALUMNI LUNCHEON
TO MEET YOU.

JESSICA, PLEASE LISTEN TO ME.

AND I AM SURE
THAT BETSY PALMER

JUMPED AT THE CHANCE

TO CAMPAIGN FOR MY SPOT
AS SOCIAL CHAIR.

OPEN THIS DOOR!

I WAS ON BROADWAY ONCE.

HEY!

I WAS KIDNAPPED
FROM THE RESTAURANT YESTERDAY

BY A WAITRESS.

SHE'S ABOUT 5'2".

SHE'S GOT CRAZY HAIR
AND CRAZY EYES.

IF THIS IS YOUR WAY
OF GETTING OUT

OF CHRISTMAS EVE
WITH MY PARENTS--

(David)
LISTEN TO ME!

I'M COUPLE HOURS
OUTSIDE THE CITY.

NORTH, I THINK.

IT'S A LOG CABIN.
SIX PLUS FOUR, RUSTIC CHARM.

ARE YOU DRUNK?

PLEASE, SWEETHEART,
I LOVE YOU.

THE IMPORTANT THING
YESTERDAY?

I WAS GOING TO PROPOSE.

PROPOSE?

GO TO THE POLICE AND
TELL THEM WHAT'S HAPPENED.

JESSICA, ARE YOU THERE?!

OH.
YOU'RE SERIOUS?

YES!

I HAVE TO GO.

DID YOU TALK
TO SOMEONE ON THE PHONE?

NOPE, COULDN'T GET ANY
RECEPTION IN THE BATHROOM.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
YOU TALKED TO SOMEONE.

OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I DID.

AND IT'S ONLY A MATTER
OF TIME NOW

UNTIL I'M BROKEN OUT
OF THIS ASYLUM.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

UNTIL THAT TIME,

I'VE DECIDED
I'M GONNA HELP YOU.

I'M GONNA BE THE BEST
BOYFRIEND EVER,

AND YOUR PARENTS ARE GONNA
FALL IN LOVE WITH ME.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

BECAUSE IT'S GONNA BE
MORE SATISFYING FOR ME

WHEN YOUR FAMILY LEARNS
THE TRUTH ABOUT YOU.

[exhales]

(David)
YOU HAVE TO SWING YOUR HIPS

IN CONJUNCTION
WITH YOUR SHOULDERS.

IF YOU WATCH TIGER,
IT'S ALL CONNECTED.

ONE FLUID MOTION.
THERE YOU GO.

PLAYING THROUGH!

(Richard)
OKAY.

SO WHAT IS IT
YOU DO, NICK?

I WORK FOR A REAL ESTATE
DEVELOPMENT COMPANY.

REALLY, WHICH ONE?
BARBER AND PARTNERS.

I KNOW BARBER AND PARTNERS.
THAT'S A GOOD COMPANY.

MY FIRM DID
SOME LEGAL WORK FOR YOU

ON THE PINEHURST CONDOS.
OH, OKAY.

WHAT DO YOU THERE?

I'M A VICE PRESIDENT
OF NEW BUSINESS.

YOU KNOW, THERE WAS A TIME
WE THOUGHT TRUDIE,

WITH ALL HER CAUSES,
MIGHT GO TO LAW SCHOOL

LIKE HER SISTER KATIE.

BEING A DEMOCRAT IS NOT
A CAUSE, DAD.

BUT SHE GOT HER DEGREE
IN LIBERAL ARTS.

FINE ARTS, DAD.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS.

IT'S AN EXPENSIVE
WAY TO SAY,

"DO YOU WANT FRIES
WITH THAT?"

[chuckling]

OH, HOMEMADE ORNAMENTS.

YEAH, TRUDIE MADE THAT
WHEN SHE WAS FIVE.

SHE WAS A LITTLE WITHDRAWN
AS A CHILD.

OKAY, MOM.

YOU KNOW,
HER BROTHER AND SISTER

ARE SO OUTGOING
AND HAD SO MANY FRIENDS.

BUT TRUDIE WAS--I DON'T KNOW--
A LITTLE ANTISOCIAL.

REALLY?

WE EVEN PAID A LITTLE BOY
DOWN THE STREET

TO BE HER FRIEND,
BUT HE GAVE US OUR MONEY BACK.

ALL RIGHT!

SO FROM THEN ON IT WAS
TRUDIE AND HER PROJECTS.

AND OF COURSE BOBO BLONKERS.

BOBO BLONKERS?

HER IMAGINARY FRIEND.

THANKS, MOM.
THANKS A LOT.

WHAT?
WHAT WAS THAT?

ARE YOU TALKING
TO BOBO BLONKERS RIGHT NOW?

I HAVE AN IDEA.

WHY DON'T WE LET NICK

PUT THE ANGEL UP
ON THE TREE THIS YEAR?

UM, MOM...

I'VE BEEN DOING IT
SINCE I WAS FOUR YEARS OLD.

REMEMBER WHEN DAD
USED TO HOLD ME UP

TO THE TOP OF THE TREE
AND I WAS SO CUTE UP THERE?

I KNOW, HONEY.
DON'T BE SELFISH.

DAD, IT'S MY THING.

I MEAN, THIS IS MY MOMENT.

YOU KNOW, IT'S TRADITION.

DOES ANYONE CARE ABOUT
THAT ANYMORE?

TRUDIE, WHAT'S WRONG
WITH STARTING A NEW TRADITION?

NICK, UP THE TREE.

OH, THANKS.
ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU.

YEAH.

HEY, THERE SHE IS.

[all shouting
and laughing]

WOO!

[all cheering]

(David)
WOW, THIS IS REALLY
A GREAT PLACE.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S
AN INCREDIBLE CRAFTSMANSHIP

THAT GOES INTO A CABIN
LIKE THIS.

I'D SAY THIS IS ADIRONDACK STYLE
WITH A CONTEMPORARY TWIST.

YES, IN THE ADIRONDACKS,

I STARRED
IN A REVIVAL OF MEDEA.

YES, WE KNOW THAT,
MOTHER!

YOU DON'T NEED
TO SHOUT, DEAR.

I'M NOT DEAF.

NICK, WOULD YOU LIKE
ANOTHER PIECE OF PIE?

SURE.

TRUDIE, WOULD YOU GET HIM
ANOTHER PIECE OF PIE, PLEASE?

WELL, HE KNOWS
WHERE THE KITCHEN IS.

ARE YOU TRYING
TO RUIN CHRISTMAS?

OH, THANK YOU,
BUNNYKINS!

[chuckling]

NICK, EVERY CHRISTMAS EVE,

WE READ 'TWAS THE NIGHT
BEFORE CHRISTMAS.

AND I WAS WONDERING
IF MAYBE

YOU WOULD LIKE TO DO
THE HONORS.

[family cheers
and applauds]

REALLY?
OH, WOW.

OKAY.

THAT'S IT.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH.

WHOA.

UH, I'M GONNA--YEAH.

YEAH, SMART.

WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU?

WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH ME?

THEY'RE FAWNING
ALL OVER YOU

LIKE THE LAST PIECE
OF FILET MIGNON.

THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED.

ISN'T THAT THE WHOLE
POINT OF ALL THIS?

YEAH, BUT--
BUT WHAT?

MY FAMILY LIKES YOU

MORE THAN...THEY LIKE ME.

WELL, I DIDN'T EVEN WANT
TO READ THE STUPID STORY.

SO DON'T READ THE STORY.

I DON'T CARE
IF YOU READ THE STORY.

WELL, THEN FINE.

THEN I'M GONNA READ
THE STORY.

FINE.

FINE.

[moaning]

(Richard)
LOVE THIS PIE.

[moaning]

IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

YEAH, IT'S FINE, MOM.

(David)
THANK YOU.

OKAY, HERE WE GO.

"TWAS THE NIGHT
BEFORE CHRISTMAS,

"WHEN ALL THROUGH
THE HOUSE

"NOT A CREATURE
WAS STIRRING,

"NOT EVEN A MOUSE.

"THE STOCKINGS WERE HUNG
BY THE CHIMNEY WITH CARE

"IN HOPES THAT ST. NICHOLAS
SOON WOULD BE THERE.

"THE CHILDREN WERE NESTLED
ALL SNUG IN THEIR BEDS

WHILE VISIONS OF SUGARPLUMS
DANCED IN THEIR HEADS."

[sentimental music]

♪ ♪

[laughter and applause]

WELL DONE!

MOM, WE DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE
OREOS AND MILK

FOR SANTA THIS YEAR.

WHAT IF SANTA'S HUNGRY?

WILL YOU PUT THAT AWAY?
MM-HMM.

MOM, COME ON,
WE'RE ALL ADULTS HERE.

WE DON'T HAVE TO WRITE
LETTERS.

HOW IS SANTA GOING TO KNOW
WHAT YOU WANT?

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

HMM.

YOU CAN'T EAT THOSE.

WHAT'S IT GONNA LOOK LIKE

IF SANTA DOESN'T EAT
HIS COOKIES?

FIGURES YOU'RE A DUNKER.

OF COURSE.

WHAT ARE YOU,
A TWISTER?

THAT'S SO WRONG
IN SO MANY WAYS.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET
THIS OVER WITH.

OH, THIS SO DUMB.

I HOPE YOU'RE NOT EXPECTING
MUCH FROM SANTA.

A FEDERAL OFFENSE
PROBABLY PUTS YOU

ON THE NAUGHTY LIST
THIS YEAR.

LAUGH IT UP.
YOU'VE GOTTA DO ONE TOO.

HMM?

THIS MAY TAKE A WHILE.

I'M GONNA ASK FOR A NEW
FULLY LOADED S.U.V.

HMM, INTERESTING.

I'M GONNA ASK FOR AN END
TO GLOBAL WARMING.

WHAT, YOU THINK MY LIST
IS SUPERFICIAL?

I DON'T KNOW.
LET ME SEE IT.

NO.

YOU WANT A PASTA MACHINE?

I LIKE TO COOK.

DON'T YOU WANT SOMETHING
MORE, YOU KNOW, MEANINGFUL?

I HAVE EVERYTHING I WANT.

GREAT JOB.
BEAUTIFUL GIRLFRIEND.

LET ME SEE YOURS.

"TIKI LIGHTS.
CHINESE TEA POT.

STOP DISAPPOINTING
MY PARENTS."

COME ON, I'M SURE
THAT'S NOT TRUE.

BELIEVE ME, IT'S TRUE.

LOOK, YOUR PARENTS
ARE GOOD PEOPLE.

AND THEY LOVE YOU.

I JUST WISH FOR ONCE
THEY'D LOOK AT ME...

YOU KNOW, THE WAY
THEY LOOK AT YOU.

THEY DO.

THEY DON'T.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS
I EVER HAD, I WAS TEN.

I WAS TAKING
FIGURE SKATING LESSONS,

AND I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE
THIS BIG RECITAL

ON CHRISTMAS EVE.

THERE WAS
THIS HUGE SNOWSTORM

AND THEY CANCELLED IT.

OH, I WAS SO UPSET.

BUT OUR HOUSE HAD
THIS PATIO IN THE BACK,

AND MY DAD SHOVELED IT

AND RAN THE HOSE OVER IT
AND MADE ICE.

AND MY MOM PUT LIGHTS IN ALL
THE TREES IN THE BACKYARD.

OH, THE GLOW WAS
SO BEAUTIFUL.

AND IT WAS SO QUIET.

AND THAT CHRISTMAS EVE,
I SKATED MY LITTLE ROUTINE

WITH MY PARENTS WATCHING.

IT WAS LIKE I WAS THE ONLY
PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

THEY WERE SO PROUD OF ME.

BUT SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY
THINGS CHANGED,

AND I JUST...WISH
THEY STILL FELT THAT WAY

ABOUT ME, YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW,
I THINK PARENTS

WANT THE BEST
FOR THEIR KIDS.

BUT SOMETIMES THEY DON'T
KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

WE SHOULD PROBABLY
HIDE THE EVIDENCE.

[Christmas rock music
playing]

[laughter and chattering]

HELLO!

HELLO?

HELLO!

EXCUSE ME, THERE'S
A CONCERNED CITIZEN HERE

WHO NEEDS HELP
FROM HER CIVIL SERVANTS.

YOO-HOO!
HEY!

[chattering stops]

SOMEBODY BETTER
PAY ATTENTION TO ME.

SHE'S ALL YOURS, PAL.

LET ME GUESS.
DOMESTIC DISTURBANCE?

NO, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I'M HERE TO REPORT
A KIDNAPPING.

♪ DASHING THROUGH THE SNOW ♪

♪ IN A ONE-HORSE
OPEN SLEIGH ♪

[family chattering]

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

MOTHER, ISN'T IT
A LITTLE EARLY?

EARLY FOR WHO,
SUGAR BRITCHES?

I HAVE TO SPEND
ANOTHER ENTIRE DAY

TRAPPED WITH
YOU YAHOOS.

MAMA'S GONNA NEED
A LITTLE HELP.

OKAY.

EVERYBODY, HERE'S
THE SCHEDULE FOR TODAY.

JAKE AND KATIE, YOU'LL BE
ON KITCHEN DUTY WITH ME.

RICHARD,
YOU'RE CHOPPING FIREWOOD.

MOTHER--
HMM?

DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.

TRUDIE, YOU AND NICK
GO OUTSIDE AND HAVE SOME FUN.

I'VE LEFT SOME WARM JACKETS
AND STUFF BY THE BACK DOOR.

PRESENTS ARE AT 4:00.
DINNER WILL BE AT 7:00.

THAT'S IT!

YOU KNOW, ABOUT LAST NIGHT,

I DIDN'T MEAN TO GET
PERSONAL, AND, YOU KNOW--

WHAT?

OH, MY GOD.
NEVER MIND.

WHAT?

THAT'S GREAT.

YOU'RE JUST
CHECKING OUT MY SISTER.

I MEAN, WHY WOULDN'T YOU BE?
OF COURSE YOU ARE.

SHE'S GORGEOUS
AND GRACEFUL AND--

YOUR SISTER IS
VERY LIMBER.

UGH.

YOU'RE JEALOUS.

I AM NOT!
ARE TOO.

AM NOT!
ARE TOO!

AM NOT!

DO RICH KIDS
EVEN PLAY HOCKEY?

I PLAYED MY FAIR SHARE.

WELL, I'VE BEEN PLAYING
WITH MY BROTHER

SINCE I COULD WALK,
SO LET'S GO.

[soft rock music]

[laughing]
YES!

OH.

I'M OKAY, I'M OKAY.

UNH!
OH!

YOU SURE YOU WANT
TO DO THIS?

YEAH, COME ON.

UNH! UNH!

(David)
SORRY.

YOU KNOW, I GOTTA
GIVE IT TO YOU.

YOU'RE PRETTY SCRAPPY.

UM, I THINK YOU'VE HAD
ENOUGH FOR NOW.

[chuckling]

SO WHAT DO YOU DO
FOR FUN?

FOR FUN?

YOU KNOW, WHAT ARE YOU
INTERESTED IN?

I PAINT.
REALLY?

WHAT KIND OF PAINTINGS?

PORTRAITS MOSTLY.

YOU KNOW, LIKE
POST-IMPRESSIONIST STUFF.

IT'S A FOCUS ON COLOR
OVER LINE--

I KNOW WHAT
POST-IMPRESSIONISM IS.

LIKE CEZANNE, OR MORE
LIKE ALICE NEEL?

I LOVE ALICE NEEL.
YOU KNOW ALICE NEEL?

YOU SHOULDN'T JUMP
TO CONCLUSIONS ABOUT PEOPLE.

SO WHAT DO YOU BESIDES
BUILD COOKIE CUTTER

CONDOMINIUMS
FOR THE MASSES?

I DIDN'T START OUT
TO DO THAT.

I ACTUALLY STUDIED
ARCHITECTURE.

FOR A WHILE THERE I THOUGHT
I WAS GONNA GO OUT ON MY OWN.

WHY DIDN'T YOU?

WELL, IT'S RISKY,
AND THERE'S NO MONEY IN IT

UNLESS YOU'RE ESTABLISHED.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT
YOUR PARENTS?

WOULDN'T THEY HAVE
HELPED YOU GET STARTED?

YEAH, THEY WOULD'VE

IF THEY HAD TWO NICKELS
TO RUB TOGETHER.

THEY WERE BOTH
SCHOOL TEACHERS.

THEY DIED IN A CAR ACCIDENT
WHEN I WAS NINE.

OH...I'M SO SORRY.

BUT YOU SAID
YOU GREW UP WELL OFF.

NO, YOU DID.

I LIVED WITH MY GRANDFATHER

IN A ONE-BEDROOM APARTMENT
UNTIL I WAS 18.

I WORKED MY WAY THROUGH COLLEGE
MOWING LAWNS FOR THE CITY.

THAT MUST'VE BEEN TOUGH.

YOU KNOW, IT ACTUALLY
HELPED ME IN CERTAIN WAYS.

I LEARNED AT ANY EARLY AGE
THAT WE'RE ALL ON OUR OWN.

WOULD YOU GO, PLEASE?

DON'T RUSH ME.

OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

HA!

HA.

AW, THAT'S TOO BAD.

MAKING A MOVE LIKE THAT
MUST BE KILLING YOU.

HEY!

WHY DO YOU KEEP
HITTING YOURSELF?
[giggling]

SERIOUSLY, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?

TRUDIE, I'M STARTING
TO WORRY ABOUT YOU NOW.

OH, MY GOSH, YOU HAVE
TO STOP THAT RIGHT NOW.

STOP!

GIVE IT BACK.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO THAT.

BUT YOU DID IT.
IT'S DONE.

IT WAS A MISTAKE.

YOU CAN'T TAKE
SOMETHING BACK

ONCE IT'S
ALREADY DONE.

EVEN IF YOU REALIZE
RIGHT AWAY

IT WAS WRONG
AND...YOU'RE SORRY?

FINE.

BUT KNOW
THAT YOU'RE A CHEATER.

SUCH A CHEATER.

I'M GONNA GO GET
SOME MILK FOR THESE.

IT'S COVERED IN STONES--

OH, OH!

OH, WELL, WE'RE NOT INTO
PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION.

RIGHT.

COME ON, DON'T BE
SUCH A PRUDE.

YEAH, SORRY.
YOU HAVE NO CHOICE.

IT'S MISTLETOE.

[humming Wedding March]

MOM!

I'LL GET THE MILK.

OH, THIS IS IT.
THE SCENE OF THE CRIME.

AREN'T YOU GONNA
DRAW YOUR GUNS?

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

WELCOME TO TAJ'S
DINER DELUXE.

WE HAVE A DELICIOUS
HO-HO HOT DOG SPECIAL TODAY.

WE'RE NOT HERE TO EAT.

WE'RE HERE
BECAUSE MY BOYFRIEND

WAS KIDNAPPED BY ONE
OF YOUR WAITRESSES YESTERDAY.

YEAH, FEMALE, 5'2",

CRAZY HAIR, CRAZY EYES.

YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO FITS
THAT DESCRIPTION?

APPARENTLY HE WAS TAKEN
AT GUNPOINT.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE
SHE MAY HAVE GOTTEN A GUN?

OH, UH, NO, NO.

NO, I DON'T KNOW--
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.

MOM, ISN'T IT TIME
FOR PRESENTS?

OH, IS IT?

IT'S 4:00 P.M.
HMM.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, I'M FOLDING
YOUR FATHER'S JOCKEY SHORTS.

SOMETIMES I HAVE DREAMS

THAT HUNDREDS OF PAIRS
OF UNDERWEAR ENVELOPE ME.

DO YOU EVER HAVE
DREAMS LIKE THAT?

NO.
MOM, ARE YOU OKAY?

DO YOU KNOW THAT
YOUR FATHER'S THE ONLY MAN

I HAVE EVER SLEPT WITH?

HAVE YOU SLEPT
WITH MORE THAN ONE MAN?

[exhales]
NO.

OF COURSE YOU HAVE.

IT'S THE WAY
OF THE MODERN WORLD.

YOU BOINK A WHOLE LOT
OF DIFFERENT PEOPLE.

YOU DON'T JUST PICK ONE
AND HOPE FOR THE BEST.

WELL, I'M PRETTY SURE
IT'S TIME FOR PRESENTS.

COME ON.

OH, HONEY, YOU'RE RIGHT.

YES, OKAY,
LET'S GO, GO, GO.

[clock ticking]

NICK, TIME FOR PRESENTS!

GRANDMA.
JAKE.

THANK YOU.

HAVE YOU NOTICED ANYTHING
STRANGE ABOUT MOM?

LIKE MORE THAN USUAL?

YEAH, I JUST HAD A WEIRD
CONVERSATION WITH HER,

AND I THINK SHE MIGHT NOT
BE SO HAPPY WITH DAD.

WHAT?
THAT'S CRAZY.

SHE USED THE WORD "BOINK."

EW.
YEAH.

NICK, FOR YOU.
TRUDIE, FOR YOU.

CAN I?

MM-HMM.
NICK'S GONNA--

(Richard)
IT'S A BACK SCRUBBER!

(Katherine)
EXFOLIATION IS
THE KEY TO GOOD SKIN.

YEAH, COOL.

(Trudie)
WOW, GOOD JOB, MOM.

THANK YOU.

IT JUST LIGHTS UP YOUR FACE.

PINK.

SMILE!
[Christmas rock music]

OH, BEAUTIFUL.

ALL RIGHT.

(Richard)
GOTTA LOOK THE PART, SON.

GREED IS GOOD.

WOW.

(Katherine)
YOUR DAD FOUND THAT.

IT LISTS EVERY LAW FIRM
IN AMERICA.

OKAY.

(Katherine)
WELL, YOU'RE ALWAYS SAYING

YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH
UNDERWEAR.

OH, MY GOSH.
THIS IS REALLY HEAVY.

OH, GREAT
FOR TIGHTENING SCREWS.

EWW...

(Katie)
I PICKED THAT OUT.

OH, TRUDIE, ONE MORE GIFT.
IT'S FOR YOU.

WELL, WE JUST THOUGHT THAT--

YEAH.

(Richard)
HEY, LOOK, TRUDIE,

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
HAPPENED THE OTHER DAY

WITH MR. PORTNOY, BUT...

[exhales]
I THINK IT'S TIME TO GET
YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE CLOUDS.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU NEED TO GROW UP
AND GET FOCUSED

ON A LEGITIMATE CAREER.

YOU'RE UNSETTLED.
YOU'RE UNFOCUSED.

YOU NEED TO FIND SOMETHING
TO DO REALLY WELL.

BUT I HAVE, I DO.
IT'S PAINTING.

I MEAN, IT'S THE ONLY THING
I CARE ABOUT.

IT'S THE ONLY THING
THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE ME.

THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT

RIGHT NOW.

YOU CAN PAINT,
OR DRAW, OR COLOR

IN YOUR SPARE TIME.

I AM TALKING ABOUT
YOUR LIFE HERE.

SO AM I!

DON'T YOU WANT TO DO
SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE?

YES, BUT--

HONEY, WE JUST--WE WERE
JUST TRYING TO HELP.

UM, MR. CHANDLER,

IF YOU DON'T MIND ME
SAYING, SIR,

I'VE SEEN TRUDIE'S PAINTING.

AND, WELL,

THEY'RE RAW
AND EXPRESSIVE.

COMPLEX AND, WELL,
A LITTLE STRANGE.

BUT...REALLY BEAUTIFUL.

AND...

I HAVE ONE MORE
GIFT FOR HER.

GERTRUDE CHANDLER...

OH!

OH!

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

YES.

OH, MY!

OH, MY!

OH, MY GOSH!

THIS IS
THE BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT

YOU COULD EVER GIVE ME!

I'M SO EXCITED!

OH, I CAN'T WAIT TO START
PLANNING THE WEDDING!

SON.

CONGRATULATIONS.

OKAY, UM, NEXT ON THE AGENDA
IS DINNER IN THREE HOURS.

SO, UM...
[laughter]

I'M SORRY.

EVERYBODY JUST GET CHANGED
AND DO WHATEVER.

AND WE'LL MEET BACK
IN THE DINNING ROOM AT 7:00.

THAT'S IT!

I DON'T--
THAT WAS...SOMETHING.

WELL, YOU KNOW,
I FIGURED

WE MAY AS WELL GIVE THEM
ALL THE BELLS AND WHISTLES.

AT LEAST FOR A COUPLE
MORE HOURS, RIGHT?

THANK YOU.

I ASSUME YOU MADE UP
THE PART ABOUT THE PAINTINGS.

I SAW YOUR ALBUM.

IT WAS STICKING OUT
OF YOUR PURSE.

OH, YOU WERE LOOKING
IN MY BAG?

WELL, THE KEYS
AREN'T THERE.

NO, IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
RELAX.

SO DO YOU JUST CARRY
AN ENGAGEMENT RING

IN YOUR POCKET
ALL THE TIME?

YEAH.

RIGHT.

WELL, LOOK, I JUST
WANT TO SAY I'M SORRY

ABOUT EVERYTHING.

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,

IT HASN'T BEEN THAT BAD.

WELL, IF YOU CAN JUST
HANG IN THERE

THROUGH CHRISTMAS DINNER,
I PROMISE I'LL TAKE YOU

WHEREVER YOU WANT
TO GO TOMORROW.

HEH!

HEY, MOM, CAN I HELP YOU
WITH ANYTHING?

OH, YEAH.

YOU CAN BUNDLE UP
AND TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
HONEY.

HEY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
OUT HERE?

I'M JUST ENJOYING
A LITTLE DOWN TIME.

HMM, WELL...

[cans and glass rattle]

THAT SOUNDS GOOD
TO ME.

HEY.
WANT ONE?

YEAH.

SO YOU'RE ENGAGED.

MAN.

I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU,
TRUD.

THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW--

I REALLY HOPE THAT HAPPENS
FOR ME SOMEDAY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
IT HAS HAPPENED FOR YOU.

JEN'S GREAT.

YEAH, ABOUT THAT.

UM...

JEN AND I BROKE UP
LIKE SIX MONTHS AGO.

SHUT UP.

AND I'VE STARTED SEEING
SOMEONE ELSE.

SHUT UP!

AND HIS NAME IS RYAN.

OH, MY GOSH.

WELL, YOU KNOW...

I THINK MAYBE I KNEW.

YEAH, I KNEW.

WHAT?
YOU DIDN'T KNOW.

COME ON,
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW.

I MEAN, I GUESS
I KIND OF KNEW, BUT--

WELL, DOES ANYONE ELSE KNOW?

[exhales]

I THOUGHT I'D TELL
EVERYONE AT DINNER.

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

[laughter]

DOLORES!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M GOING TO BACK
TO THE CITY

TO GET A DECENT STEAK
AND A COGNAC.

YOU CAN'T DRIVE.
GIVE ME THE KEYS.

YOU WANT TO COME ALONG
FOR THE RIDE, ROSEBUD?

COME ON, LET'S BLOW THIS
RINKY DINK LOG CABIN.

[engine starts]
DOLORES!

[screaming]

[loud crash]

OH, MY GOD.

GRAMS?

OH, MY GOSH.
ARE YOU OKAY, GRANDMA?

DON'T TOUCH ME
AND DON'T CALL ME THAT.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH.

WHAT HAPPENED TO "I'M NOT
TRYING TO ESCAPE ANYMORE?"

I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE SURE
SHE DIDN'T HURT HERSELF.

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU'RE OKAY.

[rock music
playing in background]

I SWEAR TO GOD,
MARY HAD BETTER BE GIVING BIRTH

TO BABY JESUS
OUTSIDE THE--

OH, JUST AS GOOD.
POLICE OFFICERS--

(Steve)
COME ON, MRS. CLAUS.

IT'S TIME FOR STEVIE-WEVIE
TO OPEN ANOTHER PRESENT.

CUT IT OUT, STEVE!
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

THE OWNER SAID THAT
YOU WERE HER BEST FRIEND.

I DON'T KNOW
WHERE THEY WENT.

SHE JUST TOOK OFF.

YOU KNOW, WHEN WE CATCH HER,

YOU'LL BE PUT AWAY TOO

FOR ACCESSORY
TO KIDNAPPING,

OBSTRUCTING JUSTICE.

IT'S--
IT'S NOT HER FAULT.

IT'S MEN.

THEY DRIVE WOMEN CRAZY.

OH, I'M SORRY.
IT'S OKAY.

I, UM, JUST...

NEEDED THE, UH, THE...

TOOTHPASTE.

UH...

HERE YOU GO.

DO YOU--DO YOU NEED
TO TAKE A SHOWER?

NO, I'LL WAIT TILL
YOU'RE DRY.

DRESSED.
DONE.

WHEW!
OKAY.

WELL, I SHOULD
PROBABLY GO NOW.

PROBABLY.

[exhales]

[exhales]

[knock on door]

I DIDN'T, UH, MEAN
TO SCARE YOU OFF BACK THERE.

YOU DIDN'T SCARE ME OFF.

YOU LOOK GREAT.

SO DO YOU.

COME ON, I WANT
TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

I'M NOT GIVING YOU
A REMATCH RIGHT NOW.

HOLD ON
JUST ONE SECOND.

HUH?

OKAY, PUT THESE ON, PLEASE.

IT'S ALMOST DINNERTIME,

AND I'M IN A DRESS,
YOU MORON.

PLEASE SHUT UP.
SHUT UP?

JUST PUT THESE ON.

FINE.

WHOA.

OH, MY GOSH.

OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU DID ALL THIS.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

BUT YOU OWE ME
SOMETHING IN RETURN.

WHAT?

A SHOW.

NO WAY.
COME ON.

I WANT TO SEE
THIS INFAMOUS ROUTINE.

REALLY?

OKAY, BUT IF YOU LAUGH...

[heartfelt music]

♪ ♪

[O Tannenbaum
playing in background]

THANK YOU.

[family chattering]

WARM BREAD.

YOUR TIE'S CROOKED.

YOU TIED IT.

IT'S STILL CROOKED.

OH!

MOM?
HMM?

AREN'T YOU GONNA MAKE
YOUR ANNUAL TOAST?

OH, I'M HUNGRY.
LET'S JUST EAT.

UM, EXCUSE ME.

I, UH,
I HAVE SOMETHING

I'D LIKE TO SHARE
WITH EVERYONE.

ACTUALLY...

I HAVE SOMETHING
I'D LIKE TO SAY FIRST.

IT'S ABOUT SCHOOL.

OH.

I'M NOT GOING
TO LAW SCHOOL.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

IT'S JUST NOT FOR ME.

I DROPPED OUT
LAST SEMESTER.

LAST SEMESTER?

WELL, WHAT HAVE
YOU BEEN DOING

WITH ALL THE TUITION
THAT I'VE BEEN SENDING?

I USED IT
AS A DOWN PAYMENT.

DOWN PAYMENT.
ON WHAT?

ON A PILATES STUDIO
IN CALIFORNIA.

PILATES?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

SOMEBODY TRANSLATE THAT.

DAD, IT'S GREAT.

IT'S A TYPE OF EXERCISE
MIXING BALLET TECHNIQUES

WITH YOGA, USED TO STRETCH
AND LENGTHEN THE MUSCLES.

MOVING TO THE LAND
OF FRUITS AND NUTS.

GONNA LAY AROUND ALL DAY
AND STRETCH.

[Katherine laughing]

I THINK IT'S VERY CREATIVE.

KUDOS, KATIE.

THANKS, MOM.

WHAT--WHAT ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT?

OUR DAUGHTER'S JUST MADE
A FOOL OUT OF US.

YEAH, YOU DID PUT ONE OVER
ON US, DIDN'T YOU?

[Richard laughing
nervously]

NO, YOU'RE NOT DROPPING
OUT OF SCHOOL.

NO, THAT'S NOT
WHAT'S HAPPENING.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU
WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.

YOU'RE GONNA GET
THE MONEY BACK.

AND YOU'RE GONNA RE-ENROLL.

OH, LIGHTEN UP, DICK.

UM, AHEM.

EVERYONE, I, UH, I WANT
TO SAY SOMETHING TOO.

I'M GAY.

[spitting]

[laughter]

OH, HONEY, I KNOW!

FOR GOD'S SAKE, KATHERINE,
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

HUH?
LET ME THINK.

UM, I HATE THE WAY YOU MOAN
WHEN YOU CHEW YOUR FOOD.

WHAT ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT?

[imitating Richard moaning]

IT'S DISGUSTING!

IT MAKES ME WANT
TO THROW UP.

AND ALSO I HATE
THAT WE NEVER

TALK ABOUT
ANYTHING IMPORTANT!

MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE WE ALL
LIVE IN YOUR WORLD, KATHERINE.

A WORLD WHERE NOBODY CAN SAY
ANYTHING HONEST

BECAUSE IT MIGHT BE
UPSETTING!

YOU ARE THE PUPPET MASTER
AND I AM YOUR LITTLE CLOWN!

BOO!

STOP IT!
GOD, YOU TWO!

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

YOU THINK I'M CONTROLLING?

YOU ARE THE ASS WHO IS
FORCING YOUR CHILDREN

TO BECOME MINI VERSIONS
OF YOURSELF!

THIS ISN'T MY WORLD.

BECAUSE IF THIS WAS MY WORLD,

I WOULDN'T HAVE TO PICTURE
CLINT EASTWOOD

JUST TO GET THROUGH
OUR ANNUAL BIRTHDAY SEX!

OH!

AREN'T YOU GLAD
YOU'RE GAY?

EVERYBODY FREEZE!

[family shouting]

FREEZE!
CALM DOWN, EVERYBODY.

JUST RELAX.

WAIT.
WHAT IS GOING ON?

REASON TO BELIEVE THAT WOMAN
IS GUILTY OF KIDNAPPING.

THAT CAN'T BE.
THAT'S ABSURD.

KIDNAPPING?
WHO?

DAVID MARTIN.

WHO'S DAVID MARTIN?

NO, THAT'S
HER BOYFRIEND, NICK.

NO, MOM.
IT'S NOT.

I'M NOT HER BOYFRIEND.

(Jake)
THIS IS GETTING WEIRD.

I DON'T KNOW
WHO BROUGHT HOME THE BACON,

BUT I'M GONNA
FRY IT UP IN A PAN!

MOTHER, NO!

SOMEBODY HAS TO PROTECT
THIS FAMILY,

AND IT LOOKS AS THOUGH
IT'S GOT TO BE ME!

MA'AM, PUT THE GUN DOWN.

SHE HAVING A CIVIL WAR
FLASHBACK?

SHE'S JUST HAD A LITTLE
TOO MUCH EGGNOG.

UM, SHE'S AN ACTRESS.

AND THE GUN IS PROBABLY
JUST A PROP.

YOU TAKE THE BIG ONE.

DOLORES.

OH.

OH...

I-I WAS ON BROADWAY ONCE.

I KNOW.
[sobbing]

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

[blues-rock music
playing]

♪ ♪

♪ YOU WERE THE PRESENT ♪

♪ UNDER MY TREE... ♪

MOM--

KIDNAPPING?

KIDNAPPING?!

MOM, LOOK AT ME.

WHERE DID I GO WRONG?

WAS I NOT GOOD MOTHER?

YEAH, OF COURSE YOU WERE.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

NO, WE WON'T TALK
ABOUT IT.

DAD--

NOT NOW, TRUDIE.

POOR SCHMUCK DIDN'T
PRESS CHARGES.

[door buzzer]

YOU'RE FREE TO GO.

(Dolores)
THANK GOD.

(Katie)
BYE.

UH, NOT YOU, GRAMBO.

WHY, OFFICER!

WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?

(female officer)
ONE CHANGE PURSE.

ONE CAN OPENER/KEYCHAIN.

COMES IN HANDIER
THAN YOU THINK.

ONE--HOLY CRAP!
LOOK AT THAT ROCK.

GIRL, YOU HOLD ON
TO THAT MAN.

YEAH.

♪ ONE DAY I'LL WALK IN ♪

♪ HAND IN HAND ♪

♪ IN THE SUN AND ♪

♪ YOU AND I ARE TALKING ♪

♪ REALIZE ♪

♪ WE'VE BEGUN... ♪

HI.

HEY.

JUST WANTED TO SAY THANKS
FOR NOT PRESSING CHARGES.

I CAN'T SAY I EVER IMAGINED
SAYING THAT IN A SENTENCE.

HEH.
IS--IS EVERYONE OKAY?

YEAH, THEY'RE FINE.

THEY'RE NOT TOO HAPPY
WITH ME RIGHT NOW.

I REALLY DID IT THIS TIME.

I WANTED TO GIVE THIS
BACK TO YOU.

THANKS.

LISTEN...

THIS WHOLE SITUATION
IS SORT OF CONFUSING.

BUT I WANTED TO SAY--

DAVID, LET'S GET
OUT OF HERE, HONEY.

UH, GIVE ME
ONE MINUTE, OKAY?

WHO'S THIS?

IS THIS HER?

YOU HAVE SOME NERVE.

LOOK, I WANTED TO APOLOGIZE

AGAIN TO BOTH OF YOU--
SAVE IT.

YOU AND YOUR BAND
OF HOOLIGANS

WOULD STILL BE IN JAIL
IF IT WERE UP TO ME.

LET'S GO.

I, UH--

DAVID.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

YEAH, YOU TOO.

♪ I AM NOT CRAZY ♪

♪ AND I ♪

♪ I KNOW
WHAT WE HAVE KNOWN... ♪

SURE YOU DON'T WANT
YOUR OLD JOB BACK?

YOU WANT LUNCH?

SURE.

HERE.

WHAT ABOUT TAJ?

OH, PLEASE.

YOU KNOW, HE'S A SOFTY
UNDER ALL THAT BLUSTER.

BESIDES, WE'VE REACHED
A NEW STAGE

IN OUR RELATIONSHIP.

OH, WHAT'S THAT?
PARTNERS.

THAT'S GREAT!

THANK YOU, YEAH.

SO HOW'S THE REAL JOB
SEARCH GOING?

NOT SO GREAT.

APPARENTLY I HAVE
NO REAL SKILLS.

MM-HMM.

I DON'T KNOW.
MY PARENTS ARE RIGHT.

I HAVE TO BE REALISTIC.

I CAN'T JUST WISH
FOR SOMETHING

THAT'S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.

THERE IS NO PERFECT JOB,
PERFECT FAMILY...

PERFECT GUY.

SO YOU HAVEN'T
HEARD FROM HIM THEN?

NO.

SEE, THIS IS WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY
THOUGHT I HAD FEELINGS

FOR SOME GUY I KIDNAPPED.

I MEAN, WHAT DID I THINK
WAS GONNA HAPPEN?

[gasps]

I LIKE
THE NUPTIAL SCRIPT.

ALL RIGHT, DONE.

WHERE IS MARIA
WITH THE NEXT DRESS?

MARIA, WE HAVE
THREE MORE DRESSES TO GO!

WHERE ARE YOU?

DO YOU LIKE
THAT FONT?

DAVID!

THE FONT.

UH, AHEM.

I'M SORRY.

I-I NEED SOME AIR.

OH.

HEY.

HEY.

IT CAN BE A BIT
OVERWHELMING IN THERE.

YOU DON'T SAY.

(Jessica)
YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH.
YEAH, I'M FINE.

WELL, WE NEED YOU INSIDE.

OKAY.

UH, JESS, UM...

DO YOU, UH...

EVER HAVE
ANY DOUBTS ABOUT US?

WHAT?

WELL, IT'S JUST THAT

YOU COULD BE
WITH ANY NUMBER OF GUYS.

WHY ME?

BECAUSE WE MAKE SENSE.

AND WE'RE GONNA LEAD A LIFE
THAT MOST PEOPLE DREAM OF.

ALL RIGHT, YOU AND I

ARE GONNA HAVE
A FAIRY TALE WEDDING

AND A FAIRY TALE LIFE.

(Mrs. Barber)
MARIA!

I HATE MY LIFE.

[cell phone rings]

HELLO.

TRUD, HEY, IT'S ME.

HEY.

HOW'S IT GOING?

OH, I'VE BEEN BETTER.

DID YOU TALK
TO MOM AND DAD YET?

NO, I'VE BEEN
AVOIDING THEM.

TRUD, YOU SHOULD CALL THEM.

OH, MY GOD, JAKE.

I'M JUST SAYING,
YOU KNOW,

BE THE BIGGER PERSON--

NO, NO, NO.

I'VE BEEN ACCEPTED INTO A SHOW
AT GALLERY 717.

WOW, THAT'S GREAT.

IT'S A NEW ARTIST EXHIBIT.

THEY WANT A PIECE FROM ME.

TRUD, THAT'S FANTASTIC.

WHEN IS IT?

A WEEK FROM SATURDAY.
WILL YOU COME WITH ME, PLEASE?

YES, OF COURSE I WILL.

ARE YOU GONNA TELL
MOM AND DAD?

NO, NO, I DON'T WANT
TO FIGHT WITH THEM.

I JUST WANT THIS TO BE
MY NIGHT, YOU KNOW?

[exhales]

(Jake)
TRUD?

I'M SO HAPPY YOU'RE HERE.

I WOULDN'T MISS IT
FOR THE WORLD.

SO, UM, THIS IS RYAN.

HI.

JAKE, YOU DIDN'T DO
HER JUSTICE.

IT'S SO NICE
TO FINALLY MEET YOU.

SO LISTEN,
I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT PEOPLE
ARE SAYING ABOUT THE PIECE,

SO GO OVER
AND EAVESDROP FOR ME.

OKAY, OKAY.

BUT LISTEN, UM...
THERE IS ONE OTHER THING.

WHAT?

NOW DON'T FREAK OUT,

BUT I, UH, I BROUGHT
A FEW MORE PEOPLE WITH ME.

I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T
WANT THEM HERE.

I DON'T HAVE TIME
TO DO THIS TONIGHT, OKAY?

I WON'T DO THIS.

JUST FOR ONE NIGHT

I DON'T WANT TO FEEL
LIKE THE BLACK SHEEP,

THE WEIRD ONE,
THE WRONG ONE, OKAY?

OKAY.
WE HEAR YOU.

WHAT?

YOUR FATHER AND I
HAVE FOUND

THAT KEEPING OPEN LINES
OF HONEST COMMUNICATION

IS THE ONLY WAY TO RESTORE
A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.

WHAT?

THEY'VE BEEN IN THERAPY.

IT REALLY IS WORKING.

SO...WHAT ELSE, HONEY?
JUST LET IT OUT.

I'M TIRED OF TRYING

TO LIVE UP TO YOUR IDEALS,
YOU KNOW?

AND I WON'T LIVE MY LIFE
TO PLEASE YOU.

I MEAN, SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE
YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO I AM.

MM-HMM.

I'M A SLOB.

I MEAN, SOMETIMES IF I LEAVE
A DISH IN THE SINK TOO LONG

I JUST THROW IT AWAY

INSTEAD OF WASHING IT.

AND, MOM, I HATE PINK.
I HATE IT.

AND I DON'T WANT A JOB

IN COMPUTER SALES, DAD.

YOU KNOW, I'M AN ARTIST.
THAT'S WHO I AM.

AND I LOVE YOU GUYS,

BUT IF YOU MAKE ME CHOOSE
BETWEEN ME AND YOU,

I CHOOSE ME.

OKAY!

OKAY?

YES, OKAY.

WE HEAR YOU.

OKAY.

YOU KNOW, WE WORRY
ABOUT YOU, KIDDO.

WE DON'T WANT YOU
TO GET HURT.

WE WANT YOU
TO BE SAFE.

I MEAN, IF I COULD,
I'D HAVE YOU LIVE

INSIDE OF
A PLASTIC BUBBLE.

BUT I WAS TOLD THAT'S
A LITTLE TOO IMPRACTICAL.

AND WE NEVER MEANT
TO MAKE YOU FEEL

WEIRD OR WRONG.

WE LOVE YOU.

AND WHATEVER YOU WANT,
THAT'S WHAT WE WANT FOR YOU.

THANKS, DAD.

OH, COME HERE.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

I LOVE YOU TOO, MOM.

LITTLE SIS.

I LOVE YOUR PAINTINGS.
I LOVE--

THE COMPOSITIONS
ARE AMAZING.

[patrons chattering]

I'LL BE BACK,
I'LL BE BACK.

IT'S GREAT
TO MEET YOU.

YOU OKAY, SWEETHEART?

SOMEONE BOUGHT IT.

I KNOW.
IT'S WONDERFUL.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

JUST FEELS DIFFERENT
THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD.

OH, HOW?

I DON'T KNOW,
IT'S JUST--

NICK?

NO, NOT NICK.
WELL, MAYBE.

WELL, NO, I MEAN,
IT'S NOT NICK, IT'S DAVID.

IT'S STUPID IS WHAT IT IS.

IT IS NOT STUPID.

IF THERE'S
ONE THING I KNOW,

IT'S THE CORROSIVE
NATURE OF SILENCE

LEADS TO REGRET.

AND IT'LL EAT AWAY
AT YOU BIT BY BIT.

LOOK AT YOUR DAD AND ME.
IT'S NEVER TOO LATE.

ACTUALLY, IT IS.

HE GOT MARRIED TODAY.

CHEERS.

HEY, HEY!

[struggling]

JUST SO YOU KNOW,
I HAVE A BLACK BELT,

AND MY HANDS ARE CONSIDERED
LETHAL WEAPONS.

(David)
OOH, SCARY.

(Trudie)
DAVID?
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

PAYBACK.
IT'S A BITCH.

AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE
ON YOUR HONEYMOON OR SOMETHING?

OKAY, HOW ABOUT I TAKE
THAT BLINDFOLD OFF NOW?

HUH?
HOW'D THAT BE?

WOW.
WHERE ARE WE?

TRUDIE, YOU ARE...

UNORGANIZED, AND PUSHY,

AND CRAZY.

I KNOW, AND I'M WORKING
ON THOSE THINGS.

AND IF YOU'LL JUST
LISTEN TO ME--

AND YOU TALK TOO MUCH.
OKAY.

I LOST A LOT
BECAUSE OF YOU.

BUT I'VE REALIZED

THAT I DON'T WANT
ANY OF THOSE THINGS.

WAIT.
YOU DON'T?

EVERYTHING I WANT...
IS RIGHT HERE.

MARTIN ART
AND ARCHITECTURE.

A GALLERY AND A STUDIO.

WOW.
IT'S AMAZING.

AND I'VE JUST
ACQUIRED MY FIRST PIECE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

THAT'S A FIRST.

I'VE SPENT MY ENTIRE LIFE
STRIVING FOR THINGS

THAT I DIDN'T EVEN WANT,

BECAUSE I THOUGHT THAT'S
WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO.

I THOUGHT I HAD
SOMETHING TO PROVE.

BUT I DON'T HAVE TO PROVE
ANYTHING TO ANYONE ANYMORE.

YOU DON'T?

WELL...

MAYBE ONE MORE THING.

CAN YOU TAKE THESE
OFF ME NOW?

(Trudie)
THERE MAY BE NO SUCH THING
AS A PERFECT JOB,

A PERFECT FAMILY,
OR A PERFECT LIFE.

BUT THERE IS SUCH A THING
AS A PERFECT MOMENT.

SO I TAKE BACK
WHAT I SAID.

DOING ONE CRAZY THING
PROBABLY DOES MAKE YOU CRAZY,

BUT IT CAN ALSO
MAKE YOU HAPPY.