Holding Moses (2022) - full transcript
A Broadway performer becomes a mother, braiding rhythm and grief and time and joy on her path to connect with her profoundly disabled son.
[whimsical music notes]
[water dripping]
[soft instrumental music]
[water boiling]
[Randi] A newborn
should cry,
and start
breathing calmly.
[tea kettle whistling]
Moses was
laboring too hard.
[uptempo whimsical music]
His belly was pumping
to try to get air,
[strained breathing]
and he could barely cry,
and he couldn't move, and
he couldn't open his eyes.
And I would just watch him,
and I would just wait for
him to snap out of it.
[uptempo whimsical music]
And I was like,
"Is this gonna be the
day you open your eyes?"
[light clicks on]
[uptempo whimsical music]
[fabric shuffling]
And he just lied there.
And he was so still,
and he was so beautiful.
[uptempo whimsical music]
[fabric shuffling]
I had no idea
what I was in for.
[fabric shuffling]
[uptempo whimsical music]
[light clicks off]
[sprinkler heads spitting]
[car engines humming]
[sprinkler heads spitting]
[car engines humming]
[glass clicking]
[stomping and drumming]
[audience laughing]
"Stomp" is a show where
people use body percussion,
and everyday instruments
to make music together.
[stomping]
[audience laughing]
One thing I knew when
I got into "Stomp" was,
that I had no idea how
the hell I was ever going
to perform the show,
'cause I couldn't even
understand those rhythms
that they were doing.
And I was like, "When are
they gonna kick me out?"
[clapping and stomping]
The next day I would come in, and
everything we had learned the day before,
was somehow there.
[stomping and clapping]
[soft instrumental music]
There was a trust
that happened.
I couldn't see
outta my eyes,
and I couldn't
hear out of my ears,
but I could do the rhythms
that were given to me.
[stomping and clapping]
[loud stomping and clapping]
[soft ethereal music]
[clapping]
[laughing] You make such a cute
face when you do it, though.
I don't know!
[Randi] Come on, one
more time. [clapping]
Just follow me. [clapping]
I always knew I wanted
to have kids. [clapping]
I just wanted that experience
pretty desperately.
From like, an early age.
[clapping]
Yeah! And then that
again. [clapping]
[clapping]
-Yes!
-Yes.
[Randi] And then, and
then just- [clapping]
[Tavi] [mumbling]
[Randi] My ex had my
oldest daughter, Tavi.
Do a clap, clap. And then you
do, like, that rhythm thingy.
Then you clap to clap.
I'm just gonna tuck you in.
And I'll keep
checking on you.
And it went really well.
[Both] I love you,
too. I love you, too.
I love you, too, oo, oo.
[Randi] And I thought,
I'm ready to do this.
[Tavi] See you
in the morning.
[uptempo music]
[Randi] The
midwife came over,
and turkey baster style,
pushed some sperm into me,
and I got pregnant
the very first time.
[water running]
[dishes clattering]
It was a good birth.
I was so excited, and
the doctor was so moved.
I don't know that she had
seen a lot of queer families.
It felt like we did it,
now we have our family.
[items falling]
[Moses] Ooh.
[sobbing]
[Randi consoling Moses]
[sobbing]
[soft instrumental music]
Open please. Open please.
[toothbrush rubbing]
No biting. I'm faster.
[toothbrush rubbing]
No biting, please.
[toothbrush squeaking]
Good work. Good work.
I thought there was one
kind of disabled child,
and that was a
Down Syndrome child.
I had no idea the spectrum
of disability that exists.
[soft instrumental music]
Moses has a rare
genetic disorder called,
Phelan-McDermid
Syndrome.
Essentially, he's missing a
chunk of his 22nd chromosome
in all of his cells.
I know, I know, I know, I know.
[Moses giggling]
[laughing] Oh, I know.
[laughing] So exciting.
[soft instrumental music]
[kisses] But, you
look cute now!
Although, you
always look cute.
[Randi] All of his
physical systems,
his intellectual
systems,
everything is
completely compromised.
[Nurse] Press and
then clamp at the end.
[Randi] Now,
given that severity,
he is remarkably present.
Where's Moses?
[Moses cooing]
Moses! Where are you?
Oh, my goodness, there
you are! [Moses giggling]
There you are!
[fabric shuffling]
And he's connected,
and he looks at you,
and he knows you, and
he recognizes you.
His disposition is
extremely sweet.
More Superman?
[Moses grunting]
More Superman?
[mouth swooshing noises]
He's just a little kid that
likes to be mischievous,
and get in trouble,
and play, and laugh.
Ah! You're flying buddy!
[soft instrumental music]
[feet stepping]
It's just a matter
of letting go
of the child that you always
think you're gonna have.
[Moses grunting]
[hand patting]
I know, I know, I know,
but we're not gonna go
outside right now, okay?
[soft instrumental music]
I'll get you some food.
It felt very much
like I lost a child.
Okay.
That he had died.
It's okay. [kisses]
Let's go around.
[wind whirring]
[rocks crunching]
Yet, I was still
there with a child,
that I didn't understand.
[grass rustling]
[soft instrumental music]
I've never felt so
desperate before.
[soft ethereal music]
They needed to go
get some more sperm,
and impregnate me, and
I needed to do it over.
[soft ethereal music]
[rain tapping]
It feels like such a heavy,
heavy burden that I did
not know how to hold.
And I felt
unequipped to handle.
[rain tapping]
[soft instrumental music]
I felt like I was
losing my independence,
and my ability to be the
person that I wanted to be
in the world.
[pensive music]
It was, a, [labored breathing]
[soft instrumental music]
shocking because
in the throes
of being given the greatest
gift of life, which is like,
birthing a child
from your body,
but, instead I was
given the hardest thing,
that I'd ever even given.
I felt like I lost
everything.
[soft ethereal music]
[rain tapping]
[hands banging]
[Moses groaning]
I wanted him to die-
[Moses mumbling]
and I wanted
him to die quickly.
[soft pensive music]
[rain tapping]
And, I didn't want it to hurt.
[soft pensive music]
[shower water running]
[soft pensive music]
[wind whirring]
[birds chirping]
[grass ripping]
[machines roaring]
So, when I was
22, I went to Japan
to a farm called
"Body Weather".
This teacher of, Butoh
Dance, named Mintinaka,
he would work our asses
off all day on the farm.
[machines roaring]
And then, around five
o'clock he would invite us
to the stage.
[soft instrumental music]
Farm all day, you are
tired, you are raw.
That was the point.
You don't have your
capacities to say no.
So your willingness,
your heart,
your body open
so much more.
[soft instrumental music]
And Min would just say over
and over, "stretch farther".
[inspiring instrumental music]
[ground crackling]
[birds chirping]
Really acutely, for
the first two years,
I think I cried for
hours every day.
[birds chirping]
[deep breathing]
But, then I started to,
like, resource people who
also had disabled children.
[soft instrumental music]
Hear about their children,
and they sounded so cute,
and sweet and
they had like lives.
Like, they were talking about
school, and the spring break,
"What are we gonna do?"
I was like, why
aren't they saying,
"I'm devastated that I have
been given this child?"
"I don't know how to love my
kid and I'm scared, you know?"
And, they would just look at me,
and they'd shake their heads,
and they'd be like,
"We know, we know".
[slow melodic music]
I think time handles the grief
for you, as you withstand it.
[ethereal singing music]
Then, I got together
with this one woman,
who has a profoundly
disabled son.
His name is Joaquin.
[ethereal singing music]
And her, and her
husband came,
and Joaquin was
in a wheelchair,
[shoes plop]
and they got him onto the
trampoline and he couldn't sit up,
and his dad got on the
trampoline with him.
And then I, I watched Joaquin
just hold his dad's face
in his hands and,
and his dad was accepting
that love as enough.
[soft ethereal music]
And I was like, "Oh my God.
That is like, the most
beautiful thing I've ever seen."
Okay, fly. No? Fly!
Fly! Hands up!
Reach! Woooaahh!
[lips buzzing]
[hands patting]
[Moses giggling] Uh oh,
uh oh! And, I got you!
[Moses giggling]
Moses hugs with like,
with complete abandon.
[soft ethereal music]
He just, pushes his way to
the essence of my being.
[soft ethereal music]
It's overwhelming,
especially when it's coming
from a child who appears
to be missing so much.
Where's my high five?
Where's my high five?
[soft instrumental music]
Kesher, hold on to me.
[soft instrumental music]
[ground crunching]
After Moses was born,
I waited four years
to have another child.
[laughing] You dancing over
there? [feet shuffling]
[Kesher speaking
gibberish]
[Tavi] Okay, so you catch
one. I'm gonna catch one.
[Randi] I needed to wait,
until I didn't feel like I
needed to do anything over.
-Whoa! Whoa. You okay, Kesh?
-[Kesher] Ow!
Oh, you just landed
right on the hard thing.
-[Kesher] Ow!
-[Randi] Let's brush you off.
[Kesher] [whining] Ow.
[Randi] Alright. Dance
it out. Dance it out.
Dance it out.
[cheerful acoustic music]
My time dancing prepared me
perfectly to connect with Moses.
[cheerful acoustic music]
This kid that I had
to learn how to love,
loves so fluidly,
with such ease.
[guitar strumming] Wait a minute.
[string popping]
Wait a minute.
[Moses cooing]
Again. [muffled strumming]
He in fact, was really,
my teacher of how
to love him
because he did it
from day one just with his
complete and total self.
♪ There's a boy
named Moses ♪
♪ I know him just so well ♪
[Moses cooing]
♪ He likes play
guitar sometimes ♪
♪ And he plays it so well ♪
♪ Moses, Moses ♪
[Randi] He hasn't
changed at all.
♪ Oh, yes I love you ♪
[Randi] I'm the one
that had to change.
♪ You're playing the
song with me tonight ♪
[Moses cooing]
♪ Playing nice again ♪
[Moses cooing]
[Randi laughing]
♪ Ha ♪
[stomping and clapping]
[water dripping]
[soft instrumental music]
[water boiling]
[Randi] A newborn
should cry,
and start
breathing calmly.
[tea kettle whistling]
Moses was
laboring too hard.
[uptempo whimsical music]
His belly was pumping
to try to get air,
[strained breathing]
and he could barely cry,
and he couldn't move, and
he couldn't open his eyes.
And I would just watch him,
and I would just wait for
him to snap out of it.
[uptempo whimsical music]
And I was like,
"Is this gonna be the
day you open your eyes?"
[light clicks on]
[uptempo whimsical music]
[fabric shuffling]
And he just lied there.
And he was so still,
and he was so beautiful.
[uptempo whimsical music]
[fabric shuffling]
I had no idea
what I was in for.
[fabric shuffling]
[uptempo whimsical music]
[light clicks off]
[sprinkler heads spitting]
[car engines humming]
[sprinkler heads spitting]
[car engines humming]
[glass clicking]
[stomping and drumming]
[audience laughing]
"Stomp" is a show where
people use body percussion,
and everyday instruments
to make music together.
[stomping]
[audience laughing]
One thing I knew when
I got into "Stomp" was,
that I had no idea how
the hell I was ever going
to perform the show,
'cause I couldn't even
understand those rhythms
that they were doing.
And I was like, "When are
they gonna kick me out?"
[clapping and stomping]
The next day I would come in, and
everything we had learned the day before,
was somehow there.
[stomping and clapping]
[soft instrumental music]
There was a trust
that happened.
I couldn't see
outta my eyes,
and I couldn't
hear out of my ears,
but I could do the rhythms
that were given to me.
[stomping and clapping]
[loud stomping and clapping]
[soft ethereal music]
[clapping]
[laughing] You make such a cute
face when you do it, though.
I don't know!
[Randi] Come on, one
more time. [clapping]
Just follow me. [clapping]
I always knew I wanted
to have kids. [clapping]
I just wanted that experience
pretty desperately.
From like, an early age.
[clapping]
Yeah! And then that
again. [clapping]
[clapping]
-Yes!
-Yes.
[Randi] And then, and
then just- [clapping]
[Tavi] [mumbling]
[Randi] My ex had my
oldest daughter, Tavi.
Do a clap, clap. And then you
do, like, that rhythm thingy.
Then you clap to clap.
I'm just gonna tuck you in.
And I'll keep
checking on you.
And it went really well.
[Both] I love you,
too. I love you, too.
I love you, too, oo, oo.
[Randi] And I thought,
I'm ready to do this.
[Tavi] See you
in the morning.
[uptempo music]
[Randi] The
midwife came over,
and turkey baster style,
pushed some sperm into me,
and I got pregnant
the very first time.
[water running]
[dishes clattering]
It was a good birth.
I was so excited, and
the doctor was so moved.
I don't know that she had
seen a lot of queer families.
It felt like we did it,
now we have our family.
[items falling]
[Moses] Ooh.
[sobbing]
[Randi consoling Moses]
[sobbing]
[soft instrumental music]
Open please. Open please.
[toothbrush rubbing]
No biting. I'm faster.
[toothbrush rubbing]
No biting, please.
[toothbrush squeaking]
Good work. Good work.
I thought there was one
kind of disabled child,
and that was a
Down Syndrome child.
I had no idea the spectrum
of disability that exists.
[soft instrumental music]
Moses has a rare
genetic disorder called,
Phelan-McDermid
Syndrome.
Essentially, he's missing a
chunk of his 22nd chromosome
in all of his cells.
I know, I know, I know, I know.
[Moses giggling]
[laughing] Oh, I know.
[laughing] So exciting.
[soft instrumental music]
[kisses] But, you
look cute now!
Although, you
always look cute.
[Randi] All of his
physical systems,
his intellectual
systems,
everything is
completely compromised.
[Nurse] Press and
then clamp at the end.
[Randi] Now,
given that severity,
he is remarkably present.
Where's Moses?
[Moses cooing]
Moses! Where are you?
Oh, my goodness, there
you are! [Moses giggling]
There you are!
[fabric shuffling]
And he's connected,
and he looks at you,
and he knows you, and
he recognizes you.
His disposition is
extremely sweet.
More Superman?
[Moses grunting]
More Superman?
[mouth swooshing noises]
He's just a little kid that
likes to be mischievous,
and get in trouble,
and play, and laugh.
Ah! You're flying buddy!
[soft instrumental music]
[feet stepping]
It's just a matter
of letting go
of the child that you always
think you're gonna have.
[Moses grunting]
[hand patting]
I know, I know, I know,
but we're not gonna go
outside right now, okay?
[soft instrumental music]
I'll get you some food.
It felt very much
like I lost a child.
Okay.
That he had died.
It's okay. [kisses]
Let's go around.
[wind whirring]
[rocks crunching]
Yet, I was still
there with a child,
that I didn't understand.
[grass rustling]
[soft instrumental music]
I've never felt so
desperate before.
[soft ethereal music]
They needed to go
get some more sperm,
and impregnate me, and
I needed to do it over.
[soft ethereal music]
[rain tapping]
It feels like such a heavy,
heavy burden that I did
not know how to hold.
And I felt
unequipped to handle.
[rain tapping]
[soft instrumental music]
I felt like I was
losing my independence,
and my ability to be the
person that I wanted to be
in the world.
[pensive music]
It was, a, [labored breathing]
[soft instrumental music]
shocking because
in the throes
of being given the greatest
gift of life, which is like,
birthing a child
from your body,
but, instead I was
given the hardest thing,
that I'd ever even given.
I felt like I lost
everything.
[soft ethereal music]
[rain tapping]
[hands banging]
[Moses groaning]
I wanted him to die-
[Moses mumbling]
and I wanted
him to die quickly.
[soft pensive music]
[rain tapping]
And, I didn't want it to hurt.
[soft pensive music]
[shower water running]
[soft pensive music]
[wind whirring]
[birds chirping]
[grass ripping]
[machines roaring]
So, when I was
22, I went to Japan
to a farm called
"Body Weather".
This teacher of, Butoh
Dance, named Mintinaka,
he would work our asses
off all day on the farm.
[machines roaring]
And then, around five
o'clock he would invite us
to the stage.
[soft instrumental music]
Farm all day, you are
tired, you are raw.
That was the point.
You don't have your
capacities to say no.
So your willingness,
your heart,
your body open
so much more.
[soft instrumental music]
And Min would just say over
and over, "stretch farther".
[inspiring instrumental music]
[ground crackling]
[birds chirping]
Really acutely, for
the first two years,
I think I cried for
hours every day.
[birds chirping]
[deep breathing]
But, then I started to,
like, resource people who
also had disabled children.
[soft instrumental music]
Hear about their children,
and they sounded so cute,
and sweet and
they had like lives.
Like, they were talking about
school, and the spring break,
"What are we gonna do?"
I was like, why
aren't they saying,
"I'm devastated that I have
been given this child?"
"I don't know how to love my
kid and I'm scared, you know?"
And, they would just look at me,
and they'd shake their heads,
and they'd be like,
"We know, we know".
[slow melodic music]
I think time handles the grief
for you, as you withstand it.
[ethereal singing music]
Then, I got together
with this one woman,
who has a profoundly
disabled son.
His name is Joaquin.
[ethereal singing music]
And her, and her
husband came,
and Joaquin was
in a wheelchair,
[shoes plop]
and they got him onto the
trampoline and he couldn't sit up,
and his dad got on the
trampoline with him.
And then I, I watched Joaquin
just hold his dad's face
in his hands and,
and his dad was accepting
that love as enough.
[soft ethereal music]
And I was like, "Oh my God.
That is like, the most
beautiful thing I've ever seen."
Okay, fly. No? Fly!
Fly! Hands up!
Reach! Woooaahh!
[lips buzzing]
[hands patting]
[Moses giggling] Uh oh,
uh oh! And, I got you!
[Moses giggling]
Moses hugs with like,
with complete abandon.
[soft ethereal music]
He just, pushes his way to
the essence of my being.
[soft ethereal music]
It's overwhelming,
especially when it's coming
from a child who appears
to be missing so much.
Where's my high five?
Where's my high five?
[soft instrumental music]
Kesher, hold on to me.
[soft instrumental music]
[ground crunching]
After Moses was born,
I waited four years
to have another child.
[laughing] You dancing over
there? [feet shuffling]
[Kesher speaking
gibberish]
[Tavi] Okay, so you catch
one. I'm gonna catch one.
[Randi] I needed to wait,
until I didn't feel like I
needed to do anything over.
-Whoa! Whoa. You okay, Kesh?
-[Kesher] Ow!
Oh, you just landed
right on the hard thing.
-[Kesher] Ow!
-[Randi] Let's brush you off.
[Kesher] [whining] Ow.
[Randi] Alright. Dance
it out. Dance it out.
Dance it out.
[cheerful acoustic music]
My time dancing prepared me
perfectly to connect with Moses.
[cheerful acoustic music]
This kid that I had
to learn how to love,
loves so fluidly,
with such ease.
[guitar strumming] Wait a minute.
[string popping]
Wait a minute.
[Moses cooing]
Again. [muffled strumming]
He in fact, was really,
my teacher of how
to love him
because he did it
from day one just with his
complete and total self.
♪ There's a boy
named Moses ♪
♪ I know him just so well ♪
[Moses cooing]
♪ He likes play
guitar sometimes ♪
♪ And he plays it so well ♪
♪ Moses, Moses ♪
[Randi] He hasn't
changed at all.
♪ Oh, yes I love you ♪
[Randi] I'm the one
that had to change.
♪ You're playing the
song with me tonight ♪
[Moses cooing]
♪ Playing nice again ♪
[Moses cooing]
[Randi laughing]
♪ Ha ♪
[stomping and clapping]