Hokus Pokus (1949) - full transcript
The stooges are taking care of their invalid friend Mary who is confined to wheelchair. What they don't know is that Mary is only faking her disability to swindle the insurance company. When the boys witness a hypnotist, "The Great Svengarlic", doing his act on the street, they think he might be able to hypnotize Mary so she can walk. Instead, they become subjects for his show and are hypnotized into walking out on a flagpole high above the ground. When they come out of their trance and realize their predicament, they fall into a window, startling Mary, who jumps from her wheelchair just as the insurance adjuster is about to hand her a check.
[♪]
[KNOCKING]
Come in.
Baby!
Cliff!
Hello, darling.
Gosh, baby,
you look terrific.
Say, how much longer you gonna
keep up this act
with the wheelchair?
When's the insurance company
gonna pay off?
Today, darling.
The insurance adjuster's
taking me to his office
in the insurance building.
Then I collect $25,000.
Aw, what a gal.
Say, uh, who did you get
for witnesses this time?
Well, there are three saps
living downstairs
who've been waiting
on me hand and foot.
They've sworn
I'm a hopeless cripple.
[ALL SNORING]
[SNORING IN MUSICAL HARMONY]
[ALL GRUMBLING]
All right, darling,
see you tonight.
Bye.
[CLINKING]
Hey, it's Mary.
[YAWNING]
Come on.
[CLINKING]
What's she saying?
She wants breakfast.
Tell her we'll bring it
as soon as we shave and dress.
That's a dot.
Dot?
[CLANK]
Dash, dash.
Dot, dot.
[CLANK, CLANK]
Hey, cut it out, will ya?
Does my head
look like a steam pipe?
No, a steam pipe
hasn't got ears.
Besides, what are you
beefing about?
All I did
was hit you like this.
[CLANK]
It was harder than that.
Well, at the most,
it was only like this.
[CLANK]
It was much harder
than that.
I'll show ya.
[CLANG]
See?
[GASPS]
Take it easy, kid.
All right, all right,
break it up.
We got work to do, see?
Don't you use that tone
of voice to me, or I'll--
You'll what?
See that?
[CLANG]
Oh, oh, oh!
LARRY:
Get busy. Do your exercises.
[CRUNCH]
[CREAK]
[CRUNCH]
Help me up.
Sure.
[THUD]
Thanks.
Now that I'm down here
I better do my swimming.
[GASPS]
Hey, barracuda.
[SPRAYING]
Ohhh!
Get up here.
Listen, halibut,
I'll filet you.
We gotta get shaved.
Mary's waitin'.
Come on.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
[HUMMING OPERA TUNE]
[WARBLES]
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
[SNORTING]
Right.
Your face is too sharp.
[RIPS]
Towel.
Towel.
Towel.
Low man again.
MOE:
Hurry with those towels.
Hot towels comin' up.
[STEAM HISSES]
Oh, oh.
Towel. Ooh!
Towel.
Towel.
Shampoo!
Shampoo.
Powder!
Powder!
Take a powder.
Go on.
Nice, beautiful talcum powder:
Schlemiel Number 8.
Achoo!
[CLINKING]
We better rush the breakfast.
Mary'll be starved.
Yeah, I'll light the stove
and make the hotcakes.
I'll cook the eggs.
I'll get the cereal.
Good. What are we
waitin' for? Let's go.
[HUMMING]
Wait a minute.
Look out.
What's the matter?
Go on! Fix those eggs.
Get out of here.
Oh, nice, fresh cacklefood.
Oh, I gotta have
a mixing bowl.
Ah, let's see.
Ah, too small.
This ought to do.
[SPITTING]
What stupid, imbecilic fool
put that...?
I did.
Oh, am I dumb.
[HUMMING]
You lamebrain. Fried eggs?
Mary likes 'em scrambled.
I oughta mash you
like a potato.
[GRUNTS]
Hey, Moe, where'd you get
the sunglasses?
I bought 'em.
Get out of here and get busy.
I'll take care of this.
Let me see now.
The coffee grinder, yes.
There we are.
Now, the old lard. Ha-ha.
Yes, sir.
One...
[SIZZLING]
Two...
Three.
That's fine.
Hen fruit.
[SINGING]
[SIZZLES]
Go on, nitwit.
Set that table up
so Mary can have
her breakfast. Hurry up.
[GROANS]
Go on. Get out of here.
I'm goin'. I'm goin'.
Oh.
Oh, yeah?
A wise guy, huh?
There ya are.
There ya are.
[CHUCKLES]
[YELPS]
[WHIMPERS]
Hey! What's the matter with you?
This thing is haunted.
Every time I lift the legs,
they jump back.
You're an imbecile,
There's nothin' wrong with it.
I'll show ya.
One, two, three, four.
Now, get this table set. Go on.
Cut it out.
Funny you stay up
for him.
[GRUNTING]
Ow! Ow! Oh, oh.
Oh, my finger.
Where's my finger?
Oh, there it is.
Oh, a wise guy, eh?
[BARKS]
[THUD]
Remember, no tricks.
LARRY:
Wait'll you see what we got
for breakfast.
Nice, cold hotcakes
smothered in vinegar.
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Come in.
How do you do?
I'm the new adjuster
from the Calamity
Insurance Company.
How do you do?
Oh, so you're the crook that's
been holding out on this kid?
Everybody knows
that you owe her dough.
Why don't you pay her?
She's a cripple.
Come on now,
start something.
I'd like to bop you
right in the bean.
Knock this off my shoulder.
You looking for trouble?
[CLANK]
Oh, oh, oh!
[CRUNCH]
Oh, adjuster, eh?
I knew you was a crook
when you walked
through that door.
Think I'm
afraid of you, eh?
Just because you're
a big insurance man, huh?
If you don't pay her the money
that she's got comin' to her,
I'll-- Why, I'll
give it to you good, boy.
Shoot one that way.
Shoot one that way.
Whoa, boy.
What are you
gonna do about it?
Where is he?
Oh, you're getting smart, eh?
Oh, a little harder, eh?
Oh, a wise guy.
So you meant it, eh?
[CRUNCH]
Oh, oh, oh!
Cut out this nonsense.
Mary, we got work to do.
We'll see you later. Come on.
Mister, open that door.
Get going.
All right.
[THUD]
Come on.
Where you going?
LARRY:
Let's hurry this up so we
can get back and help Mary.
MOE:
That's what
we're gonna try to do, kid.
Hey, Larry--
[THUD]
What's the matter with you?
What's the matter with me?
What's goin' on?
Why, you nitwit, you.
Get busy or I'll
pulverize ya. Go on!
All right.
I'm the only guy
does anything around here.
[CLUNKING]
Ooh!
[CLUNK]
Ooh!
[CHOKING]
[POP]
Why, you...
You nitwit, you.
What's the matter with you?
Give me that brush.
You're absolutely useless.
[WHINING]
I'm sorry, kid.
Look what you're doing.
I said I'm sorry,
so shut up!
[WHACK]
Get that thing up.
I'll knock your brains out.
Hurry up.
Okay, don't be--
Line 'er up.
I got it.
There it is.
Okay. "Here this week"
[MOE READS ON-SCREEN TEXT]
MANAGER:
Fine, fine, but business
has been generally bad.
You got a great act,
Svengarlic.
But if you could pull
some stunt that would make
the front pages
of the newspapers,
we'd do a land
off this business.
For instance, if you could
hypnotize somebody
to walk on water or make 'em
do a dance up there
on the flagpole
of that insurance building,
then you've got something.
You've got a great idea,
all right.
But I've gotta find
the right person to hypnotize.
Let me think.
Hey, wait a minute.
I got an idea.
You?
Yeah.
Maybe Svengarlic can hypnotize
Mary and make her walk.
MOE:
Aw, that hypnotism stuff
is the bunk.
I'll bet I can hypnotize you
and make you do anything.
[LAUGHS]
For instance,
look me in the eye.
Hokus pokus, pokus hokus,
abracadabra.
[FLITS]
You are now in Los Angeles.
[IN MONOTONE]:
I am now in Los Angeles.
You are now in New York.
I am now in New York.
You are now in Sing Sing.
I am now in Sing Sing.
You are now in Boston.
I am now in Sing Sing.
No, you're now in Boston!
I am now in Sing Sing.
You can't get this guy
out of Sing Sing.
Good. That's just where
he belongs. Ha-ha.
[CRASH]
Oh! Oh! Oh!
[IN NORMAL VOICE]:
That's where he belongs, eh?
I'll tear you
limb from limb.
Come on, stop this nonsense
and let's get away from here.
I'm sick and tired
of this nonsense, so cut it out.
I hope you numbskulls
are convinced
that this hypnotism
is a fake.
You are wrong,
my friend.
Look me in the eye,
straight in the eye.
In the eye.
In the eye.
Aside. Stay.
You are now a cat.
Let me hear you.
[MEOWING]
[FLITS]
You are a monkey.
Start monkeying.
[MAKING MONKEY NOISES]
[MEOWING]
[HISSES]
Stay.
[NOISES STOP]
You, over.
MANAGER:
Great. Great, Svengarlic.
We're made.
You're a sensation, man,
a sensation.
MAN [OVER LOUDSPEAKER]:
Ladies and gentlemen,
the great Svengarlic
will now demonstrate
the most amazing manifestation
of hypnotism ever performed.
Watch that flagpole
on the insurance building
across the street.
You are still
under my spell.
Come out. Come out.
Walk out on the flagpole.
Walk. Walk. Stop.
You will now
start dancing.
Dance. Dance.
Dance.
That's the way. Dance.
[SHATTERS]
MANAGER:
Good grief! Svengarlic
has been injured.
Speak to me.
Svengarlic, say something.
The boys are up on
the flagpole-- The boys.
Hey, what's that crowd
doing down there?
[ALL YELPING]
Let go of my legs.
Let go of my legs.
What, do you think
I got wings?
If you don't let go,
I'll hit you with this flagpole.
I'm slippin'.
Shemp, hold still.
I'll spit in my hands
and get a new hold.
I-- Whoa!
[SCREAMS]
[YELPS]
[MUFFLED]:
Oh, no! Help!
[RIP]
Ahh! Hey, Moe!
What's goin' on?
I feel a draft.
Moe!
Hey, Moe.
Where are ya?
You're inside out.
[GRUNTING]
Moe! Moe, don't move.
[CROWD CHATTERING]
How you doin'?
Okay.
You up?
Oh. Ohh.
[CRACKING]
[ALL SCREAMING]
[SHRIEKS]
It's Mary.
She's cured.
She can walk.
It's a miracle.
Thank you, boys.
Oh! You blithering idiots.
Take it easy.
Take it easy now.
You imbeciles!
[DINGS]
[♪]
[KNOCKING]
Come in.
Baby!
Cliff!
Hello, darling.
Gosh, baby,
you look terrific.
Say, how much longer you gonna
keep up this act
with the wheelchair?
When's the insurance company
gonna pay off?
Today, darling.
The insurance adjuster's
taking me to his office
in the insurance building.
Then I collect $25,000.
Aw, what a gal.
Say, uh, who did you get
for witnesses this time?
Well, there are three saps
living downstairs
who've been waiting
on me hand and foot.
They've sworn
I'm a hopeless cripple.
[ALL SNORING]
[SNORING IN MUSICAL HARMONY]
[ALL GRUMBLING]
All right, darling,
see you tonight.
Bye.
[CLINKING]
Hey, it's Mary.
[YAWNING]
Come on.
[CLINKING]
What's she saying?
She wants breakfast.
Tell her we'll bring it
as soon as we shave and dress.
That's a dot.
Dot?
[CLANK]
Dash, dash.
Dot, dot.
[CLANK, CLANK]
Hey, cut it out, will ya?
Does my head
look like a steam pipe?
No, a steam pipe
hasn't got ears.
Besides, what are you
beefing about?
All I did
was hit you like this.
[CLANK]
It was harder than that.
Well, at the most,
it was only like this.
[CLANK]
It was much harder
than that.
I'll show ya.
[CLANG]
See?
[GASPS]
Take it easy, kid.
All right, all right,
break it up.
We got work to do, see?
Don't you use that tone
of voice to me, or I'll--
You'll what?
See that?
[CLANG]
Oh, oh, oh!
LARRY:
Get busy. Do your exercises.
[CRUNCH]
[CREAK]
[CRUNCH]
Help me up.
Sure.
[THUD]
Thanks.
Now that I'm down here
I better do my swimming.
[GASPS]
Hey, barracuda.
[SPRAYING]
Ohhh!
Get up here.
Listen, halibut,
I'll filet you.
We gotta get shaved.
Mary's waitin'.
Come on.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
[HUMMING OPERA TUNE]
[WARBLES]
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
[SNORTING]
Right.
Your face is too sharp.
[RIPS]
Towel.
Towel.
Towel.
Low man again.
MOE:
Hurry with those towels.
Hot towels comin' up.
[STEAM HISSES]
Oh, oh.
Towel. Ooh!
Towel.
Towel.
Shampoo!
Shampoo.
Powder!
Powder!
Take a powder.
Go on.
Nice, beautiful talcum powder:
Schlemiel Number 8.
Achoo!
[CLINKING]
We better rush the breakfast.
Mary'll be starved.
Yeah, I'll light the stove
and make the hotcakes.
I'll cook the eggs.
I'll get the cereal.
Good. What are we
waitin' for? Let's go.
[HUMMING]
Wait a minute.
Look out.
What's the matter?
Go on! Fix those eggs.
Get out of here.
Oh, nice, fresh cacklefood.
Oh, I gotta have
a mixing bowl.
Ah, let's see.
Ah, too small.
This ought to do.
[SPITTING]
What stupid, imbecilic fool
put that...?
I did.
Oh, am I dumb.
[HUMMING]
You lamebrain. Fried eggs?
Mary likes 'em scrambled.
I oughta mash you
like a potato.
[GRUNTS]
Hey, Moe, where'd you get
the sunglasses?
I bought 'em.
Get out of here and get busy.
I'll take care of this.
Let me see now.
The coffee grinder, yes.
There we are.
Now, the old lard. Ha-ha.
Yes, sir.
One...
[SIZZLING]
Two...
Three.
That's fine.
Hen fruit.
[SINGING]
[SIZZLES]
Go on, nitwit.
Set that table up
so Mary can have
her breakfast. Hurry up.
[GROANS]
Go on. Get out of here.
I'm goin'. I'm goin'.
Oh.
Oh, yeah?
A wise guy, huh?
There ya are.
There ya are.
[CHUCKLES]
[YELPS]
[WHIMPERS]
Hey! What's the matter with you?
This thing is haunted.
Every time I lift the legs,
they jump back.
You're an imbecile,
There's nothin' wrong with it.
I'll show ya.
One, two, three, four.
Now, get this table set. Go on.
Cut it out.
Funny you stay up
for him.
[GRUNTING]
Ow! Ow! Oh, oh.
Oh, my finger.
Where's my finger?
Oh, there it is.
Oh, a wise guy, eh?
[BARKS]
[THUD]
Remember, no tricks.
LARRY:
Wait'll you see what we got
for breakfast.
Nice, cold hotcakes
smothered in vinegar.
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Come in.
How do you do?
I'm the new adjuster
from the Calamity
Insurance Company.
How do you do?
Oh, so you're the crook that's
been holding out on this kid?
Everybody knows
that you owe her dough.
Why don't you pay her?
She's a cripple.
Come on now,
start something.
I'd like to bop you
right in the bean.
Knock this off my shoulder.
You looking for trouble?
[CLANK]
Oh, oh, oh!
[CRUNCH]
Oh, adjuster, eh?
I knew you was a crook
when you walked
through that door.
Think I'm
afraid of you, eh?
Just because you're
a big insurance man, huh?
If you don't pay her the money
that she's got comin' to her,
I'll-- Why, I'll
give it to you good, boy.
Shoot one that way.
Shoot one that way.
Whoa, boy.
What are you
gonna do about it?
Where is he?
Oh, you're getting smart, eh?
Oh, a little harder, eh?
Oh, a wise guy.
So you meant it, eh?
[CRUNCH]
Oh, oh, oh!
Cut out this nonsense.
Mary, we got work to do.
We'll see you later. Come on.
Mister, open that door.
Get going.
All right.
[THUD]
Come on.
Where you going?
LARRY:
Let's hurry this up so we
can get back and help Mary.
MOE:
That's what
we're gonna try to do, kid.
Hey, Larry--
[THUD]
What's the matter with you?
What's the matter with me?
What's goin' on?
Why, you nitwit, you.
Get busy or I'll
pulverize ya. Go on!
All right.
I'm the only guy
does anything around here.
[CLUNKING]
Ooh!
[CLUNK]
Ooh!
[CHOKING]
[POP]
Why, you...
You nitwit, you.
What's the matter with you?
Give me that brush.
You're absolutely useless.
[WHINING]
I'm sorry, kid.
Look what you're doing.
I said I'm sorry,
so shut up!
[WHACK]
Get that thing up.
I'll knock your brains out.
Hurry up.
Okay, don't be--
Line 'er up.
I got it.
There it is.
Okay. "Here this week"
[MOE READS ON-SCREEN TEXT]
MANAGER:
Fine, fine, but business
has been generally bad.
You got a great act,
Svengarlic.
But if you could pull
some stunt that would make
the front pages
of the newspapers,
we'd do a land
off this business.
For instance, if you could
hypnotize somebody
to walk on water or make 'em
do a dance up there
on the flagpole
of that insurance building,
then you've got something.
You've got a great idea,
all right.
But I've gotta find
the right person to hypnotize.
Let me think.
Hey, wait a minute.
I got an idea.
You?
Yeah.
Maybe Svengarlic can hypnotize
Mary and make her walk.
MOE:
Aw, that hypnotism stuff
is the bunk.
I'll bet I can hypnotize you
and make you do anything.
[LAUGHS]
For instance,
look me in the eye.
Hokus pokus, pokus hokus,
abracadabra.
[FLITS]
You are now in Los Angeles.
[IN MONOTONE]:
I am now in Los Angeles.
You are now in New York.
I am now in New York.
You are now in Sing Sing.
I am now in Sing Sing.
You are now in Boston.
I am now in Sing Sing.
No, you're now in Boston!
I am now in Sing Sing.
You can't get this guy
out of Sing Sing.
Good. That's just where
he belongs. Ha-ha.
[CRASH]
Oh! Oh! Oh!
[IN NORMAL VOICE]:
That's where he belongs, eh?
I'll tear you
limb from limb.
Come on, stop this nonsense
and let's get away from here.
I'm sick and tired
of this nonsense, so cut it out.
I hope you numbskulls
are convinced
that this hypnotism
is a fake.
You are wrong,
my friend.
Look me in the eye,
straight in the eye.
In the eye.
In the eye.
Aside. Stay.
You are now a cat.
Let me hear you.
[MEOWING]
[FLITS]
You are a monkey.
Start monkeying.
[MAKING MONKEY NOISES]
[MEOWING]
[HISSES]
Stay.
[NOISES STOP]
You, over.
MANAGER:
Great. Great, Svengarlic.
We're made.
You're a sensation, man,
a sensation.
MAN [OVER LOUDSPEAKER]:
Ladies and gentlemen,
the great Svengarlic
will now demonstrate
the most amazing manifestation
of hypnotism ever performed.
Watch that flagpole
on the insurance building
across the street.
You are still
under my spell.
Come out. Come out.
Walk out on the flagpole.
Walk. Walk. Stop.
You will now
start dancing.
Dance. Dance.
Dance.
That's the way. Dance.
[SHATTERS]
MANAGER:
Good grief! Svengarlic
has been injured.
Speak to me.
Svengarlic, say something.
The boys are up on
the flagpole-- The boys.
Hey, what's that crowd
doing down there?
[ALL YELPING]
Let go of my legs.
Let go of my legs.
What, do you think
I got wings?
If you don't let go,
I'll hit you with this flagpole.
I'm slippin'.
Shemp, hold still.
I'll spit in my hands
and get a new hold.
I-- Whoa!
[SCREAMS]
[YELPS]
[MUFFLED]:
Oh, no! Help!
[RIP]
Ahh! Hey, Moe!
What's goin' on?
I feel a draft.
Moe!
Hey, Moe.
Where are ya?
You're inside out.
[GRUNTING]
Moe! Moe, don't move.
[CROWD CHATTERING]
How you doin'?
Okay.
You up?
Oh. Ohh.
[CRACKING]
[ALL SCREAMING]
[SHRIEKS]
It's Mary.
She's cured.
She can walk.
It's a miracle.
Thank you, boys.
Oh! You blithering idiots.
Take it easy.
Take it easy now.
You imbeciles!
[DINGS]
[♪]