Hitched for the Holidays (2012) - full transcript

It's Thanksgiving day,

and you know what that means,

too much turkey,
too much family,

but never too much
holiday music.

That's why now,
right through New Year's day,

we'll be playing nothing but
your favorite holiday songs

24 hours a day.

So, sit back, relax,
and enjoy the ride to grandma's

with New York's number one holiday
connection, 94.7 WNYJ...

Lisa, look,
if that's how you feel,

then maybe we should just,
you know,



cool it between us for a while.

No, I'm not "jumping ship"

I'm just being realistic
about our future.

Yeah, I'm not really sure
we have one.

I know, me too.

It was fun while it lasted,
though, right?

Lisa?

Hello?

Lisa, are you there?
Hello.

Can they not wait till December
to haul out the Christmas music?

Nice talking to you.

Evie, what are you waiting for?

Come on, it's getting cold here.

Robbie, you couldn't make it
through Thanksgiving with this girl?



What's wrong with you?

Nothing's wrong with me.

Lisa was very high maintenance,
that's all.

Yeah, well, she's a woman,
what do you expect?

Hey!

Nice, Butch.

Is that what you've been
teaching your son all these years?

No wonder he can't have
a relationship.

Come on, Evie-pie,
I was just kidding.

Mom, I can have
a relationship, all right?

So, this one must be
some kind of record, Rob-o?

Yeah, Rob-o, I mean,

don't you usually wait till Christmas
week before you cut bait?

I don't know what it is.

You know, I mean,
maybe it's all the expectation

and the pressure around
the holidays to be happy,

but, you know, all these women
I've been seeing,

it's like, they take one look
at a turkey leg,

or a Christmas tree,

and they want to go out

and start shopping
for wedding rings or something.

I mean, what the heck is that?

All right, you know what, mom,
dad, everybody,

I appreciate your concern,
I really, all right?

But I'm totally fine, all right?

I am 100% positively fine.

Veal or eggplant parm?

Honey, it's a food choice,
it's not a life commitment.

I think I'm gonna take
some of each.

There you go.

What is this, a restaurant?
I like to keep my options open!

Pass me some wine, please?

Red or white?

I still cannot believe that you invited
Jeffrey Cohen to Thanksgiving!

I haven't seen him
in five years!

I don't even know
why the two of you broke up,

I mean, he is a great guy.

He's the dullest man
on two feet.

Yeah, well, speaking of feet,

you know, his podiatry practice
is really taking off!

I'm only doing this
for you, mom, okay?

No one else.

Well, same here, darling.

Come on.

Stand up straight.

Podiatry is the most underrated branch
of the medical profession.

Feet are the foundation
for the entire human body.

Everything from the ankles on up
is utterly dependent on their well-being.

That is fascinating.

You know, I never
thought of my feet that way.

Well...

Julie, have you ever thought
of your feet that way?

No, I can't say that I have.

You seem very passionate
about your work, son.

Yes, I am.

When it comes to feet,
I'm very passionate.

You okay?

So...

Sorry.

Your mother tells me
you write for "the New York Sentinel".

Yeah.

I moved over from "the village view"
about two months ago.

I'm one of the theater critics.

The nice one.

Our Julie has always had
a very positive attitude.

Even last year,

when her fiance broke off
the engagement...

Mom, can we not?

You were engaged?

And this was
on New Year's Eve, mind you.

She didn't cry,
she didn't get all mopey.

Me?

I would've been
in a straitjacket.

Say, Julie,
I have a great idea...

I mean, for old time's sake...

I mean, if you're doing
anything on New Year's,

maybe you and I could go out,
paint the town.

It's not like I have any plans.

No, neither does she!

In fact, she is available
the entire holiday week.

I mean, from Chanukah on.

Isn't that right, honey?

Yeah.

Excellent.

Okay.

Just a reminder, residents,

that activities
start in the activity room...

In 15 minutes.

So, I brought you a little bit

of everything
that we had from dinner.

All your favorites.

Some way for an old lady
to spend her last Thanksgiving,

Robbie?

Last Thanksgiving,
what are you talking about?

You're going to dance
out of here.

Darling, I have congestive
heart failure, not a cold.

You heard the doctors
these last months.

If I make it past New Year's
day, it'll be a miracle.

What do they know?

In truth, I'm afraid.

You know what,
I didn't even ask you yet,

what you want for Christmas?

You name it, anything at all,
and I'll bring it here.

A wife.

A wife?

Your wife.

Before I go,

I want to meet the girl
you're going to marry.

Grandma...

The only aisle
I'm going to be walking down

anytime soon
is the one at the supermarket.

You don't understand.

I want to know that my favorite grandson
is going to be happy.

That you'll finally
be able to settle down.

You know what, grandma.

I was going to surprise you.

Someone special?

Unbelievably special.

That's wonderful.

What's her name?

Her name?

Her name is...

Rose... Mary.

Rosemary.

Rosemary...

How lovely.

Bring her by Christmas Eve.

You know how important
that day is to me.

We can enjoy the whole
holiday week together,

start to finish.

It'll warm my heart

to know you won't be spending
the holidays alone.

Promise?

I promise.

We'll spend the whole
holiday together.

The woman I'm going to marry.

"The drama works,

"even if there may be
too many big speeches.

"As a result, the play is
a bit long and a tad didactic,

"but the writing
is mostly stirring,

and the acting
generally compelling".

How much does it hurt your butt
straddling the fence like that?

Just trying to be fair.

Besides, I want to support
the theater world,

not destroy it.

But, sweetheart, that's our job.

Look, all I'm trying to say is
you don't always have to be so nice.

I wasn't so nice to Jeffrey
Thanksgiving night,

I'll tell you that.

How was the foot freak?

I don't know how I dated him
as long as I did.

Well, you'd better put
the brakes on your mom

before she tries to get you
the perfect geek...

For, like, New Year's Eve
or something.

No, she didn't!

Worse.

She told him that I was available
for the entire holiday, 24/7.

I don't know how I'm going
to get out of this.

I mean, it's like, "thanks, mom,

"but if I wanted to date
the wrong men,

I have no trouble
finding them myself".

Hey, Jules,

when are you going to invite me
to come see a play with you?

We could sit
real close together,

hold hands
during the scary parts.

Truth is, Huck...

I have a boyfriend already.

Okay, but just so you know,

in case things between you
and lover boy are over and out

by the time the Christmas party
rolls around,

this sportswriter can't be held accountable
for his actions.

Okay...

Bogus boyfriend ploy.

Bold move, Greene.

Yeah, that just slipped out.

Why not just let it slip out
in front of your mother,

and solve this whole
Jeffrey problem?

I'm just saying.

So, what do I say,

I mean, "would you pretend
to be my girlfriend"

so my grandmother
can die happy?"

Yeah, and that you'll pop
for dinner and drinks after.

Nothing says "I'll think about it"
like a free meal.

No, no, no, the commitment has to be
for the whole holiday, man.

That's part of the promise.

I got a hundred bucks says

you won't make it to my
New Year's Eve bash with temp chick.

Deal.

All right, but I still need
to find "temp chick", all right?

And currently, my options
are, like, nil.

Trust me, I've called everybody.

Go online, all right?

Rickyslist.

Rickyslist? What do I...
What do I search under...

"Freelance fake girlfriends?"

"New York City.

"Personals.

M seeks F".

Go!

"M seeks F?"

So, baby, I was...

I was wondering
if Jeffrey called you back yet.

No.

He is so adorable.

I mean, and what a mensch!

Oh, come on, honey.

Really?

Really, what?
I love that dress.

If you're 12!

No, ma, keep.

Honey, it's hardly man-bait.

Call it a mother's intuition,

but I think he is still
head over heels about you.

So I just thought,
you know, maybe I'll just,

I don't know, put in a call,

and invite him over
for Chanukah...

What? No!

Well, unless there's somebody
else that you want to invite.

Why be alone if you
don't have to, right?

My gosh, I forgot to tell you.
I ran into Sonia Goldberg, right?

Her son, Andrew, just went
through this horrible divorce,

and he is looking absolutely desperately
for somebody new.

Yeah, so I thought you two,
you know?

I mean, didn't you have a thing with him
in high school?

I remember.

- Andrew who?
- Andrew Goldberg!

Remember? The chubby kid
with the bad skin?

I mean, he's gotten over
all that now.

I think he's even a doctor.

So, anyway, now we've got
a "plan a" and a "plan b".

Okay, mom, you're done.
Out of my closet!

No, I'm not.
This is my favorite thing I do.

I mean, unless you have somebody else
you want to invite.

But's what with
these death colors?

You have your father's taste.

"Get hitched
for the holidays".

Short-term relationship wanted,
no strings attached".

It's amazing to think,

but Christmas will be here
in just a couple of quick weeks,

and then before you know it,

we'll be looking at
New Year's Eve.

So if you're single,

and you haven't already
nabbed a date

for that dreaded night,
better get cracking!

"Hi, I'm Rudy. You want
to see my big red nose?"

No.

"Humbug Harry
seeks holiday angel"

"to brighten the Christmas
to New Year's week.

"Fun, presentable guy

"open to all
year-end adventures.

You help me, I'll help you".

"Hey, Humbug Harry,

"want to help me get through
my holiday office party

next Friday night?"

Is this crazy?

This is crazy, right?
This is so unlike me.

What's the big whoop?

So you broke down,
you put an ad on Rickyslist.

I've done it myself.

- You have?
- Yeah.

- How did it work out?
- Great.

I got 200 bucks for my fridge,

and the freezer
didn't even work.

I'm trying to find a person,
not an appliance.

Come on, let me see!

What?!

I like!

But meet him before the party.

Pictures lie, Jules.

Sweet!

But get some face time first.

Pix lie, dude.

With just
six days till Christmas,

94.7 WNYJ give you six
commercial-free hours a day,

five-song holiday music blocks,

and four chances to win
great prizes,

so keep it tuned to your holiday
connection, 94.7 WNYJ,

where the year-end fun
never ends!

Holiday angel?

Humbug Harry?

My friend was right,
pictures do lie.

You're even prettier in person.

Thank you.

So are you.

I mean...

You know what I mean.
Handsome.

This is,
this is weird, right?

Yup.

Sort of a blind un-date.

Well, since we're officially
past the "blind" part,

do you want to give
the "un-date" part a try?

Okay, there's a party waiting.

Shall we?

We should probably
discuss some rules first.

Like, how this is
going to work between us.

What kind of rules?

I mean, besides the fact
that we're as-needed, temporary,

commitment-free,
holiday escorts?

Well, like the fact that this is
a strictly hands-off arrangement.

Of course.

Huck, sorry.
I didn't see you.

Is this him?

Huck Bailey, this is Rob...

Marino.

Hi.

Jules, Jules, Jules...

What does this dude have
that I don't?

Her.

Whatever.

He's got the eyes...
With the...

If that was "hands-off",
I cannot wait to see "hands on".

I'm sorry,
that will not happen again.

This... I just have a situation
with that guy.

Yeah, if you don't want to
date the chump,

you should probably
just tell him?

It'll make it easier for
everybody.

Okay.

Are you ready?

Yeah, I'm ready.

Yeah, let's do this.

Watching you...

If it isn't Julie's
new boyfriend!

I've heard just tons about you.

This is Molly.

Hi, Molly.

You were right,

he is adorable!

- Molly?
- Yeah?

Okay.

I'll just be over here.

Are you all right?

I hope this isn't
too intense for you.

No, no, it's fine.

I've just got
a question for you.

Does everyone here have to
think I'm your boyfriend?

Or just that, that Huck guy?

Well, Huck,
and everybody here at least.

Not Molly, though,
she knows the truth.

And then there's my parents,
but we'll talk about that later.

Let's have a drink.

Good evening.

What can I get for you?

Diet coke, please.

Diet coke?

I don't really drink.

But you, you go ahead.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, absolutely.

All right, I'll have a vodka tonic,
two limes, and...

And a beer. Okay?

Anything you got in a bottle.

Why box yourself in, you know?

To the holidays.

The holidays.

Hey...

What's up?

Good timing.

They say you can tell
someone's romantic skills

by the way they dance.

Any truth to those rumors?

Hey, maybe you should
slow down on the cocktails.

No, I'm just drinking 'cause
I'm a little uncomfortable.

Okay, come on.

What?

Out.

Hey, hey, look, if you had a problem
with me having a few cocktails,

why did you say it was okay?

It's okay to drink,
it's not okay to get drunk!

Not here!

Who says I'm drunk?

Okay, okay, I'm sorry
if I over-reacted,

but if this is going to work,
you need to calm down.

You know, if you're going to be
all hard-nosed about this thing,

I don't-i don't think
I'm the right guy for you...

"Hard-nosed?"

I'm the nicest person
in the world!

Like, ask anyone!

You know what,

I want this to work
as much as you do,

I really do, but...

I don't think
it's going to happen.

This is not going to work
between you and me.

All right?

I'm sorry.

I'm just... I'm sorry.

Okay? All right.

Sorry!

Trouble in paradise?

Okay, okay.

- That's enough.
- That's enough?

It is enough?
I don't think so.

Drop dead.

I'm just having fun.

I'm just startin'!

Was she hot?

Yeah, she was really attractive.

All right, then, well,
it's "mea culpa" time, bro.

You were stupid, you're sorry,
you want a do-over.

I don't know if "stupid"
is exactly the right word.

Yeah? Well, it will be
if you let her get away.

All right, I'll think about it.

Hello?

"Dear Julie,
Humbug Harry is really sorry

if he turned into
the blind 'un-date' from hell".

"Despite his cool,
sophisticated veneer,

he was kind of nervous
around his holiday angel".

"So with only six more
shopping days till Christmas,

"Harry respectfully requests
a second chance

"to show what a decent
and appropriate guy

"he truly can be.

Forgive me?"

Next. What
can I get for you?

Hi. A medium
non-fat latte.

And I will have a mint tea.

And a decaf mocha frappuccino,
with a shot of Espresso.

Okay. Coming
right up.

In case I need a jolt after.

Decisive.

I like that in a man.

You know, choice is
one of life's great luxuries.

Besides, if we're a couple,

you're going to have to know
the real me.

Okay, are we a couple
or are we not a couple?

I mean, officially.

How about
we are when we need to be?

Fine,
but that's as far as it goes.

Yeah, okay.

Unless, you know, you grab me

and kiss me
like I'm going off to war.

I told you,
that won't happen again.

Thank you.

Okay, rule number two,

we agree to accompany each other
to every holiday event,

no exceptions,

and if we're double-booked,
we hit both.

Rule number two "a", okay?

Rob does better
the less he has to know,

so a lot of notice
isn't necessary.

In fact...

It's heartily discouraged.

Well, okay.

But don't you think
you should at least schedule in

the eight nights of Chanukah
with my parents?

Eight?

Yeah.

Like, in a row?

Is that a deal-breaker?

Almost.

You know what, though?

Don't worry about it, okay?

Eight nights,
12 nights, whatever.

I'm there.

Good.

Okay.

And if we get through this,

come January 2nd,

we'll just tell our families
that it didn't work out.

"The magic is gone".

And we'll both be on our way.

It's two days till Christmas

and the holiday hits
just keep on coming

here on 94.7 WNYJ...

Three times the listener dedications,
two hourly new reports...

Thank you!

And one Holly-jolly
holiday season for everyone.

Hey, grandma.

Merry Christmas.

This is for you.

Is it Christmas Eve already?

No, not yet.

And this must be Rosemary.

No. No...

This is...
This is Julie, grandma.

I thought her name was Rosemary?

It is.

It is, I...
I just call her Julie.

Julie's my nickname for her
because she's... she's...

Like my little Jewel.

Isn't that sweet.

So, anyway, Julie,
this is my grandmother,

this is Theresa Scotti.

It is a pleasure to meet you.

Merry Christmas.

Sit, sweetheart,
let me look at you.

You have kind eyes.

You're going to make
my grandson very happy.

Well, he makes me
very happy, too, so...

Of course!

Isn't that what love
is all about?

Yes, Mrs. Scotti, that is exactly
what love is all about.

Okay, let's start
at the beginning.

Who's Rosemary?

Okay, Rosemary is the woman

that my grandmother thinks
I'm going to marry,

...a.k.a. you.

The bride is always
the last to know.

Hey, you were great
in there, by the way.

I mean it, yup.
Totally believable.

You know, meeting you...

Is my grandmother's dying wish.

My god.

I'm so sorry.

How long does she have?

Let's just say that every day
after New Year's will be a gift.

- Is that why you answered my ad?
- Pretty much, yeah.

So, why are you
really doing this?

Is it just because of
that Huck guy?

No.

It's actually my mother.

She was going to set me up

with every breathing man
in Manhattan

if I didn't find somebody
to date for the holidays, so...

I had to put an end
to the madness, right?

Speaking of madness,

are you ready to meet
your future in-laws?

I love all your ornaments.
They're really beautiful.

Come on, Julie, why don't you
help us trim the tree here?

That's okay, I'll just watch.

Why? Are you allergic?

No. I'm Jewish.

So I've never actually trimmed
a Christmas tree before.

Well, there's nothing to it,

you just take an ornament,
hang the hook on a free branch,

make sure it's secure,
and, boom, you're done.

Boom.

Okay...

Here goes.

I am so sorry.

No, no, don't...
don't worry about it.

It... it was old.

Very, very old.

Yeah, it was my great,
great-grandmother's.

Yeah, you know what,

it's been in the family
for a hundred years, so don't...

116.

I...

Don't know what to say.

Don't say anything.

It's not a problem.

It's just a... thing.

Julie, my dear,

why don't you come
into the kitchen with me?

We'll leave the tree-trimming
to the professionals.

You made a big impression
on my mother.

She called right after
you and Robbie left,

couldn't stop talking about you,
so excited!

She sounded like
a different person.

She seems incredibly sweet.

I'd do anything
to keep her around

for as long as possible, but...

You don't know.

You know, doctors,
they make mistakes.

She could have
a lot of time left.

No.

Unfortunately,

I do know.

I had a vision,
and it wasn't good.

A vision?

It's a blessing and a curse.

People think I'm crazy,
but I see things.

And so far, I like you.

Even if you did break
an irreplaceable family heirloom.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

Chop.

Okay.

So, how did you
get started in this stuff?

Well, after college,

I tried acting,
and decided that wasn't for me.

So I started writing
about it instead.

Became a theater reviewer.

At least you have a steady job.
Unlike some people.

Bouncing from one ad agency
to another.

Mom, for the thousandth time,

just because I freelance
doesn't mean I don't work steady.

Yeah, but what about
a little something called security?

You know, dad, I prefer
a little thing called "freedom".

Honey, pass me the baby's bib.

Who in the world could that be?

Hello, sweetheart!

Guess who!

Dear!

Evie?

Evie-pie...

Evie...

There she is.

What just happened?

You took one look at grandma
and you passed out.

Doesn't grandma look amazing?

No, no, no, no.

How did you get here?

How did you get dressed?

I don't know,

all of a sudden,
my pressure went down,

breathing got normal.

Even that dumb heart monitor
started sounding better.

So I decided, what the heck?

I'll dress myself up,

sign myself out,

get in a cab and spend
the holidays with my family,

like I always do.

What do you think?

I think it's a miracle.

It is a miracle.

Mom...

And I can see the whole thing
right in front of me.

What are you talking about, mom?

It's your girlfriend.

It's Julie!

You said she could have
lots of time left.

You knew, didn't you?

Yeah. Julie met mom
this morning,

and here she is tonight,
a whole new woman.

What else could it be?

I'll tell you what it's not,

that gingko stinko stuff
you make me take!

All I get from that is gas.

Ma...

Okay, okay, okay.

Whatever it is,
it's certainly cause for a celebration.

Stevie, break out the Chianti!

The good stuff,
not the stuff in the box.

Coming right up.

Come on. Come on.

We got all your favorite stuff.

Robbie. Robbie...

Yeah, mom.

Listen to me, listen to me.

Your Julie, she's got powers.

Mom, that's ridiculous.

No, she brought grandma
back to life,

but if you break up with her,
it'll kill grandma.

You understand what I'm saying?

Robbie!

Why don't you come over here,
under the mistletoe,

and give Julie
a great big holiday kiss?

You...

That's a great idea, ma.

I'll get my camera.

Mom. Mom, no I...

Just do what your
grandmother tells you.

Come on.

It'll do my heart so good...

All right,

I've just got to get
this thing in focus.

Come on, you two,
a nice big kiss.

There we go.

Okay...

Let's eat, let's eat.

Okay!

Well, thank you again for tonight,
and that mistletoe thing,

I promise that will not
happen again.

Well, it made your grandmother
very happy, so...

Yeah, it made me happy, too.

You're a good kisser.

You know that I had
nothing to do with

your grandmother's
recovery, right?

It's not me that
you have to worry about.

It's my mother you'll have to
try and convince.

I couldn't break up with you now
even if I wanted to!

Okay, wait till you meet
my family tomorrow night,

and then you make
that decision, okay?

Okay.

All right.

Okay, good night.

Good night.
Good night.

Thank you.

Yes. Thank you.

Oh, gosh...

From all of us
at your home for the holidays,

New York's 94.7 WNYJ,

where the holiday music
never stops.

Here's wishing you and yours

a warm and wonderful
Christmas Eve

and a very happy and healthy
first night of Chanukah!

Thanks.

Is this it?

By the way,
I told my parents you were Jewish,

so just go with it, okay?

What?
Are you kidding me?

It's just that my mother always
fixes me up with Jewish men,

so it's just easier this way.

It's no big deal.

Easier for who?

Julie, why didn't you warn me?

I thought "Rob did better
the less he had to plan for?"

He does.

Unless he has to, you know,

pretend to be an entirely
different religion!

Actually,

I was just afraid
you would say no.

I'm sorry.

Please?

Okay.

But, Julie, I don't know
anything about being Jewish.

It's fine.

My parents aren't even
that religious.

Just...

It's only going to be the four of us,
so just relax and follow my lead.

You must be Rob!

Maxine.

- This is Rob.
- Hello, sir.

Hi, Rob.
Nice to meet you.

Julie's told us a lot about you.

Well, don't believe
anything you've heard.

It's so sweet of you

to spend the first night
of Chanukah with us

instead of your own family.

I mean, I hope they're not
too disappointed.

No, it's fine.

We're actually meeting them
all later for mass...

Mass?

This mass Chanukah celebration.

Yeah...

It's a big
neighborhood tradition.

Like all of Queens shows up.

That sounds like so much fun.

Maybe we can join you.

You can't.

Because the tickets
are all sold out.

- You know, they went just...
- Like that.

Okay, well, maybe next time.

Anyway, I've got
a big surprise for you.

Come with me.

I'll take that for you, honey.

I told you
not to invite Jeffrey.

Just come on.

Sam!

Julie-pie!

They came all the way from Boston
for Chanukah!

Sam, Laura,
this is Rob.

Rob, this is my brother, Sam,
and his wife, Laura.

Sam is a rabbi.

I didn't catch your last name.

It's Marino... witz.

Rob Marino... witz.

Nice to meet you,
Rob Marinowitz.

Come on,
let's light the menorah!

You're just in time.

Hey, mom, why don't you let
our guest light the candle?

That's such a sweet idea, Sam.

Sure. Here...

No, I don't need to...

No, no, no, you do the honors.

Okay, all right.
All right, all right.

I'll do it.
I'll do it.

Okay, here we go.

Okay.

Okay.

Stop stealing the spotlight.

Let's do it together.

Okay.

There we go.

No! No, no, Rob.
What about the prayer?

The prayer?

That's my favorite part.

Please let me do it.

Of course, sweetie.

Of course.

Yeah.

Amen.

Let's eat.

Well, it was touch and go,
but I think we pulled it off.

Personally, all this lying is...

It's very exhausting.

It's not lying.

It's just little white lies.

All right, call it
what you want to call it.

I'm sorry I put you on the spot,
but I think we made a good team.

Yes.

I have to thank you

for all the help you gave me
lighting the menorah.

I definitely could not
have done that without you.

Well, the blowing out
the candles,

I just have to say
that was a first.

I didn't know!

I didn't know...

You're just lucky

that everybody
was way too polite to react.

Or too stunned.

I didn't know.

But my mother thought
you were cute and charming,

and that's a quote.

Passed the mom test!

Thanks, buddy.
Merry Christmas.

It's already started.

Yeah, I think so.

She's there.

Come, come.

- Okay.
- Hi.

Have you ever been
to midnight mass before?

This is my first time.

Don't worry about it.

My parents aren't
very religious.

You did your homework.

See you two at the wedding!

Merry Christmas!

Mom, do you think we can
get a cab around here?

Where are you going?

It's 2:00 A.M.
and two degrees!

Why don't you stay overnight?

You can leave tomorrow.

We're opening gifts
in the morning.

I don't think so.

Come on...

Good, that's settled!

Well, no, dad...

Merry Christmas!

And here's a nightie for you to wear,
or whatever.

Mrs. Marino...

Mom, are you sure
you're okay with this?

'Cause you know what,
I can totally sleep on the couch.

No, forget it.

Mrs. Marino, look...

Look, honey, I don't judge.

Sleep well.

'Night, mom!

Good night.

So...

I can totally
sleep on the couch.

I think our web
is tangled enough, don't you?

I'll just camp out on the floor.

Absolutely not.

I will not have
any fake girlfriend of mine

sleeping on a cold,
hard floor, okay?

You take the bed.

You really light up around
your grandmother, you know that?

Yeah, well, you know,

growing up, she was like
a second mother to me.

That happens a lot
with grandparents, doesn't it?

My mom was...

Is a little strange.

No, she's better now.

I mean, except for, you know,
her crazy visions.

When I was a kid,

my mom would...

Disappear now and then.

She'd take a few hours here,
or just an afternoon there,

sometimes overnight, and...

She would just disappear.

It was a little weird
and, scary.

So my grandmother would
come over, make it better,

and she would stay with us
until my mom came back.

Where would she go?

I have no idea.

We never...

We never really talked about it,
to this day.

I guess that's why

I like to have, you know,
everything just out in the open,

even if it hurts a little bit.

Gosh, being a wife and a mother,

it's a tough job, you know?

Not every woman's
prepared for it.

Was your mother?

My god, please,

my mother was born
with a wedding dress on.

The last time my mom left,
I was 14.

It was Christmas day.

That's great timing, huh?

And we had
our whole family over,

all my, you know, aunts
and uncles, and cousins,

and my grandmother.

And my mom, she put
all the food on the table,

and then she just
slipped out the back door.

And everybody...
Everybody knew she left,

but they continued with
all the holiday cheer anyway

but I was convinced that...

That, that time, she wasn't...

She wasn't going to coming back.

But she did.

Yeah.

Yeah, she... she did.

For some reason, though,
that time just sticks with me.

Time to get over it, huh?

Okay, you want
a holiday disaster?

Yeah, go for it.

Last New Year's Eve,
my fiance and I broke up.

That's pretty awful.

He was handsome,

a law partner, steady as a rock,

and everyone thought

we were going to live
happily ever after,

you know, and...

Maybe it was
a blessing in disguise.

How so?

Julie, the guy was a moron
to let you go.

Women like you
just don't come along every day.

Hey.

Yeah?

So far,
it's been a really good holiday.

It has, hasn't it?

- Good night.
- Good night.

Ho, ho, ho, merry Christmas!

Stevie!

Thank you!

Merry Christmas, Julie.

Oh, my gosh. For me?

Honey, it's Christmas morning!

You don't think we'd leave out
our special guest, do you?

Evie, you didn't
have to do this.

This is so sweet!

Thank you.

I couldn't resist.

Apparently, neither could you.

That's so sweet.

Let me see, let me see.

Let me see.

How precious.

I don't know what you kids
are waiting for.

What do you mean, grandma?

To get married!

Come on!

I'm not getting any younger!

And, frankly,
neither are you two.

It's about time we get
back to the city.

What do you think?

- Yup.
- Okay.

I can't believe

that your grandmother is
joining a bowling league.

I know! It's crazy, right?

You're a really good grandson.

Robbie!

Thanks.

Listen, New Year's Eve,

could we hit your friend
Patrick's thing first,

and then go to my theater party?

Just so we can be near Times Square
then for when the ball drops?

Sounds like a plan.

So you'll be there?

I'll be with you at midnight,
no matter what.

You have my word.

Okay. Thanks.

Hey, Julie!

You, forgot our picture.

Thanks.

Do you want to go see
a play with me tomorrow night?

Was that on our original
holiday event schedule,

or is that extra credit?

It's an extra ticket, that's it.

Okay. Yeah.

Right.

Bye.

Okay, here's my review,
"worst play ever".

Not fair.

You can't criticize
something you slept through.

What? You liked it?

I thought the cast
did a good job

with material that was,
maybe, a bit...

Far-fetched.

That's what
you're going to write?

This is that white lie
syndrome, isn't it?

Only it's professional.

What are you so afraid of?

People are going to
send you hate mail

if you state an actual opinion?

Okay, I know it's my job,

but I...

I just feel like I'll be
really irresponsible

if I don't at least try
and consider the feelings

of the people I'm writing about.

What about my feelings?

Your feelings?

Yeah.

You know, like, for example,

if I asked you to kiss me,

would you do it
only so that I wouldn't feel bad?

No.

I'd only do that if I wanted to.

All right,
now, be honest with me,

what did you really think
of that play?

"Despite its hard-working cast",

"'socks and the city'
is a tedious",

badly-written lump of coal

in the reviewer's
Christmas stocking.

It rates one out of four stars.

Before you know it,

I'm going to be playing
good cop!

Just calling it like I see it.

- Got a minute?
- Yeah.

Your campaign looks terrific.

Great job, Rob.

Best thing you've done.

Thank you, Nolan.

Listen, Rob,

I know how you like to
move around a lot,

switch it up, whatever,

but how about ending
all this freelance nonsense

and work here for us on staff?

Be my new senior art director.

You think about it.
Let me know.

Okay.

Thank you, Nolan.

That's huge!

Is it?

No one gets offered a big job
like that Christmas week.

Like, they must really want you.

Yeah, but, you know,
do I really want them?

Rob, it's an ad agency,
it's not sing sing.

If you don't like it,
you can leave.

Or maybe for once,
you might not want to.

We have to practice
the Chanukah prayer.

I've got it all
written out for you...

You know, I...

Written out phonetically.

It's your own little crib sheet.

I appreciate that,
but you know what?

I got this.

Yeah, look at that.
I know.

I stopped by temple Israel on 12th.
Picked up this book, memorized it.

I'm all ready to go.

My god...

A cab. A cab.
We should go.

Okay, let's go.
Let's go eat.

I have a present for you.

A present for me?

Hello?

Is this Maxine green?

Yes, it is.

Hi, my name is Evie.

I'm Rob's mother.

- We love Rob!
- Thank you.

We were wondering
if you and your husband

would like to come over
for dinner one night.

I cannot believe my mother

accepted an invitation
from your mother

without even asking me.

I can't believe my mother
actually called your mother.

What am I saying,
of course I can!

Anyways, we have
bigger problems.

My parents think you're Jewish.

One look at your parents'
Christmas decorations,

and we're toast.

Well, those decorations are definitely
not coming down, that's for sure.

My parents are diehards
about that stuff.

They would cancel
the dinner first.

You want us to take down
the Christmas decorations?

- Whatever for?
- They, offend me.

They're decorations!

You've seen them
your whole life!

What's wrong with you?

Son, are you on drugs?

No, I'm not on drugs.

Then what is it?

I'm...

Converting to Judaism.

What did you just say?

Yeah,
you heard me,

I'm converting.
For Julie.

So, if you guys
want to have this dinner

with Julie and the Greenes,

then, these decorations
all have to go.

Well...

That's wonderful news!

It is?

It means you and Julie
must be getting really serious.

Evie-pie, we're
going to a wedding!

Robbie, we are going to have

the best
ha-noo-ka celebration ever.

To your conversion.

L'Chaim!

If that's Hebrew for "you're an idiot",
I totally deserve that.

No, it was quick thinking.

It was crazy, but it was quick.

You are now a charter member
of the white lie club.

Don't worry, in a couple of days,
we'll break up,

and you won't have to convert,

and one more lamb
will stay with the flock.

Now we just have to explain
to my parents

why you're Jewish
but your parents aren't.

Let's jump off that bridge
when we get to it, okay?

Yeah.

How about another round
for the girl who doesn't drink?

Yeah, that was a work party.

Was that a work thing?

I'll be right back.

So... wait a minute,

are we really going to break up
in a couple of days?

Well, aren't we?

I mean, that's the deal, so...?

I know, I know.
I know it, but...

Okay, here it is, here it is.

A couple of days ago,
we were in the cab,

and we were talking about
New Year's Eve?

I realized that...

That I didn't want to be alone,

that I wanted to be
with someone,

aren't you afraid
you're going to box yourself in?

No.

Just that I'm going to
box myself out.

Of what?

Another one of these.

Taxi!

Get in there, get in there.

Where to?

Drive!

With just two more crazy nights to go
till New Year's Eve,

the holiday fun continues
here on 94.7 WNYJ.

Now we're going to
switch things up

with a special set
of Chanukah favorites...

Shalom! Come in. Welcome.

Thank you.

Your home is so festive.

Thank you, and shalom.

Shalom. Here.

Thank you.

Please, make yourselves at home.

I'll get the family.

Everyone, they're here!

Did you tell your mother
to do this?

No, I didn't say a word.

I have no idea
what's going on here.

This is
going to end in disaster.

Shalom!

This is my mother, Theresa,
my husband, Butch,

my daughter, Maria,
and her husband, Stevie.

- Shalom.
- Shalom.

I'm Maxine and this is Mel.

So, what do you think
of our Chanukah tree?

Well, it's...

I've never seen
anything quite like it.

Ain't she a beaut?

Hey, guess how many
tops are on there?

Just take a guess.

A hundred?

219!

We scored
every last one in Queens, so...

I don't think I've ever seen
so many menorahs in one place.

Evie, you light
all the candles all at once?

It's one menorah per night,

per Chanukah night, right?

So, this is the fifth
night of Chanukah.

Five men-o-rahs!

Her parents did that,
so-so-so my...

My parents do it.

You know,
it's all about the tradition, right?

But these are unusual menorahs.

They're missing
two candles on each menorah.

Where did you
get these menorahs?

Yeah, they were all out,
so I got, Kwanzaa lamps.

But on the bright side,

they're exactly like
the picture you showed me.

- Kwanzaa lamps!
- Dad!

Mom!

Can I talk to you
just for a minute?

Sure.

Please take your coats off,
make yourselves at home.

Ma!

What is this,
"Chanukah for dummies?"

Don't you love it?

Tonight, everyone is Jewish!

But everyone's not Jewish, mom.

Especially all the Catholics!

We're just trying to be respectful
to Julie's parents,

you know,
make them feel at home.

Help seal the deal.

Like they say,

you don't get a second chance
to make a good first impression.

Well, I hope that's true,
because we'd never top this one.

Don't be
such a stick-in-the-mud.

Remember,
converting was your idea.

I'm just trying to support
my one and only son.

My matzoh balls are burning!

Everything okay?

I don't know.

Oh, my god!

Forgive me.

Good save.

How's everything going in here?

Well,

nobody's said anything exactly,

but I think my parents really do think
your family is Jewish.

Is that even possible?

According to my mother,

she's just trying to make
your parents feel comfortable.

I guess it's like a...

Like a religious
"don't ask, don't tell".

I can live with that.

For one night, anyway...

So far so good.

Come on.

Come on, Rob!

Ma! Mom!

I'm going to call for help!

Go call an ambulance, dad!

Mom, can you hear me?
Mom?

I'm so sorry, Evie.

This is all our fault.

I told you tonight was
going to end in disaster.

No, it's not our fault,
it's my fault.

I shouldn't have been
dancing with her.

I don't know
what I was thinking.

No, Robbie, we messed up.

We let the party
get out of hand,

forgot that, just a few days ago,
grandma was a very sick lady.

You're right, Butch,
it is our fault.

No, no, no, Evie,
it's nobody's fault.

You had a wonderful celebration.

You and Butch are amazing hosts.

You've raised a fine son,

who seems as dedicated to his family
as they are to him.

When Rob told us he was converting,
we just wanted to be there for him,

for all of you, right from the start,
no matter what it took.

Ma...

I'm not converting.

I just told you that
so you would get mad...

So that you would cancel the dinner
with Julie's parents, so that...

They wouldn't find out
that none of us were Jewish.

We're as catholic as the pope's
hat, not that it matters.

Or does it?

Okay, everybody,

truth is, we...

This whole thing
with Julie and I...

We made it up.

Made? Made what up?

I promised grandma

that she could meet my wife
before Christmas Eve.

She wanted to meet the woman
that I was going to marry

before she died.

I thought it was the last
chance I was going to get

to honor her,

and there was no way
I was going to disappoint her,

just no way.

Rob-o, that is so beautiful.

And you?

Why did you do this?

The truth is, I needed someone
to date for the holidays

so you would stop fixing me up
with my loser ex-boyfriends.

I just wanted to enjoy the holidays
on my own terms.

Do you want to know

why we were so eager
to have you date?

So that you wouldn't be alone
for New Year's Eve.

We just knew how hard
it would be for you

after what happened last year
with Ben.

Is that so awful?

No.

What's awful
is that I have lied to you and dad

about so many other things.

And not just
little white lies, either.

What things are
talking about, Julie?

Like what really happened
last New Year's Eve with Ben.

Ben didn't dump me.

I broke up with him.

I didn't want to marry him,

so I left him,
and I didn't tell you

because I thought
I'd never hear the end of it.

Okay, I'm..
I'm a little lost here.

Are you two getting
married or not?

No.

No, we're not even dating.

We're just...

Using each other.

Yeah, we're just
using each other.

Julie.

Is that how you really feel
after all this?

That we're just
using each other?

Let me ask you something,
was that true?

What you said you did to Ben?

Yes, but I just...

But what?

Julie, this whole time,
I was feeling sorry for you

because you got dumped
on New Year's Eve.

All I said was that Ben and I
broke up on New Year's Eve,

which we did.

I see, so it's just
a little white lie of omission?

Rob, you don't understand.

No, I understand plenty.

I mean, what if you and I
were to go out for real?

How would I know

you wouldn't just
get up and leave me one day?

You know, with no notice at all.

Is that what you're upset about?

You know, that may not
mean a lot to you,

but it means a lot to me.

So, what, you just,
you break up with me first,

before we even get to see
what we have?

Talk about being dishonest.

Who am I being dishonest with?

Yourself.

Well, I'm not going to be dishonest
with myself or with you.

I cannot be in a relationship
that starts out in a lie.

I'm sorry, Julie.

- So, how is she?
- She's going to be fine.

She just overdid it a little
on the dance floor.

Now, we're going to
keep Theresa here

for a couple of days
to watch her vital signs,

but now you can all go home
and get some sleep.

She's okay.
She's okay...

Okay?

Thank you. Thank you.

- 'Morning, hot shot.
- Hey.

So, have you thought
about my offer?

Or do I have to
pry an answer out of you?

No, no, I've definitely
thought about it.

Are you in?

You know, Nolan,
I appreciate the offer,

I really, I really do,

but I...

A permanent job
is just not for me.

I need to have my wings, man.

You know?

Well, I respect your decision.

"'Elevator man'
lifts the spirits"

"as it reaches new heights
in charm and wit. Four stars".

Welcome back,
little miss sunshine.

I'd really
rather not discuss it.

That can only mean one thing...

Man trouble.

I wrote a positive review,

why would you assume
I'm having man trouble?

Forget the review,

it's written all over
your pouty little face.

"G-u-y-s s-u-c-k".

By the way, I totally agree.

Okay, Molly?

I'm sorry, I have no idea
what you're talking about.

Okay, right.

Dr. Kerr, 4120,
Dr. Kerr, 4120.

Hey!

Here you go.

Look at all these.

I couldn't decide
which one, so I...

Anyway, how are you feeling?

Ready to get back
on the dance floor.

Robbie, you didn't have to
make up a girlfriend just for me.

You told her?

Yeah, we told her.

No more baloney, Robbie.

From now on, we want
all the cards on the table.

Why couldn't you stick with a nice girl
like Julie?

Give her a real chance.

Since we're all being honest here,
I've got a question for you, mom.

Where did you go
when we were kids?

When you would just disappear?
What was that all about?

Robbie, that's ancient history.
We're talking about you now.

Don't you see, mom?
That is about me.

Actually, ma...
I want to know, too.

You know I love both of you
more than anything,

and I love being a mother,
I always have.

But, well, there were times

when I would get so
overwhelmed with it all,

that I was afraid if I didn't
leave for a few hours,

I might end up leaving for good.

Where did you go, mom?

Nowhere exotic.

The movies, the mall.

Sometimes, I'd hide out
in a motel.

Just, you know,
until I felt better.

Look, I know it was wrong
for me to run out like that,

but it was the best I could do.

Well, I gotta tell you,
when you would leave, I...

I thought it was my fault,

like, something I said to you
made you go.

Robbie...

No.

Come here.

Aw, come here.

You and Maria
are the best kids a mother could have had.

It was just...

I mean, don't you both just
need a little space sometimes?

I know you do.

Anyway...

The last time I left...

Christmas.

Christmas, yeah, I know.

I never saw so many loud and
annoying people under one roof,

I thought my head
would split open.

But I'll tell you one thing,

I couldn't have
gotten through any of it

without your father.

He was such a prince,
you have no idea.

I think we do now, ma.

I mean, I won't lie to you,
it was tough at times,

but when you love someone,
you hang in there.

You find a way.

Otherwise, if you run,
you've got nothing.

Hey, Jules, I hear
you're flying solo again.

- Said who?
- Good golly miss Molly.

Well, she's wrong.

Okay.
So, check it.

I just scored an invite

to that Times Square fiesta
happening tomorrow night.

Save me a midnight kiss, okay?

You have one new message.

Yo, Rob, it's Patrick.

Listen, too bad and all
about "temp chick",

but don't even think about
blowing off my shindig

at the bar tomorrow tonight.

And don't forget to bring
that c-note you owe me, either!

Later, bro.

So, the Anderson
and Anderson account, then...

Hey.

Rob, I'm in a meeting.

This will only take a second.

I'm in.

I want the job.

Rob, do you know Pete Halloren?

Senior art director
at Steadman and Kane?

Good to meet you, Rob.

Can't wait to be
part of the team.

Sorry, Rob, you had your chance.

Sorry about the interruption.

That's all right.

Good evening, New York,

it's now t-minus four hours
to the New Year,

so keep it on your holiday
connection, 94.7 WNYJ,

where it's never too soon
to get the party started.

So then on January 2nd,

I'm going to go to Buffalo
for the ICPC.

The I.C. The International Convention
of Podiatrists and Chiropodists.

It sounds exciting.

- Jeffrey!
- Sorry.

Force of habit.

There's no better place on earth

to be on New Year's Eve
than right here

in Times Square
with the person you love.

Right, honey?

All right, Bill,

you can hear the excitement
all around us here,

as people anticipate
the coming year...

Hello, Rob?
Bradshaw here.

I've been thinking
about what happened,

and, look,
you're my number one guy.

I asked you first.
The job is yours.

And hey, don't worry,
no one's going to clip your wings.

Now go out and celebrate.

Did you know that one corn

can throw your entire
system out of whack?

I'm talking back pain,
hip trauma, bursitis!

My head.

I think I have a migraine.

I really should go.

You know,
maybe it's the alcohol.

The chemical compound in alcohol
can really cause a...

Oh, my gosh, Jeffrey!

I don't have a migraine.

I...

Just don't want
to be here with you.

It was totally unfair of me
to invite you.

I don't know
what I was thinking.

Same thing I was thinking
when I accepted.

Who wants to be alone
on New Year's Eve?

Do you mind if I go?

Do you mind if I stay?

Knock yourself out.

Hey, I'm a podiatrist...

Where to, lady?

Oceanic Plaza, please.

Hey, there's my homie!

I knew you would not
let down your best buddy?

That's good.

Thanks, man.

Don't you worry about it.

There is plenty more
where that came from,

and plenty more
where they came from.

If you cannot meet
somebody tonight,

you, my friend,
are officially dead, hmm?

Yeah, you know, I'm just going
to go grab another beer,

I'm just going to kind of
keep it low-key tonight...

Hey, man,
it is New Year's Eve!

Now, do you want to have fun
or not?

I'm having plenty of fun.

No!

No, you are not, all right?

I know you.

You've got your mind
on temp chick.

You know what,
this is great, but...

I've got to go home, man.

No, hey, no!

No, no, you can't leave!
Come on, man.

Happy New Year, pal.
Be safe.

Hey!

Hey, mom. What's up?

Grandma what?

I'll meet you there.

What'll it be?

Can I have a chardonnay, please?

Actually, no, I'll have
a vodka tonic, two limes.

I thought you would
never get here.

Where's Jeffrey?

Two feet under.

It's a long story.

What are you drinking?

Love potion #9.

But so far, nothing.

You?

Vodka tonic.

Drink, up,
sweetheart.

It's going to be a bumpy night.

Mom!

Wait, grandma.
Is she...

Are you okay?

They called us
and said she couldn't breathe,

so we thought for
sure this was it.

But when we got here,

she was back to normal.

Doctor says
she's going to be fine.

It was just a little
of low blood sugar, that's all.

It's not my time.

It was supposed to be,
but it's not.

I still got few things
I want to see.

Like Robbie marrying
that sweet Julie.

Grandma,

you remember I told you
that was a fake relationship?

Listen to your old
grandma, Robbie.

Maybe the relationship was fake,

but what I saw between you two,
that was real.

You know what,
I actually do have,

I do have a little bit
of news for everybody tonight.

You are looking at
the new senior art director

for the Bradshaw
advertising group.

Regular, permanent.

Full-time.

Way to go, Robbie!

Robbie...

Congrats.

Congratulations, son.

Thanks, dad.

Maybe miracles
really can happen.

Yeah. You see, Robbie,

if you just get out of
your own way,

you can have anything you want.

Or anyone.

It's my dying wish, Robbie.

I love you.

I love you guys. I...

I've got to go.

I'll call you at midnight.

Robbie, wait!

This is strange.

I see a horse.

It's galloping down the street.

And you're on it.

Mom, I love you.

I love you so much.

But you're not psychic, okay?
Never have been, never will be.

All right?

I'm going to call
you guys later.

Happy New Year.

I love you.
Call you at midnight.

Happy New Year.

- A horse?
- Yes!

A quick look at what's happening
out there on the streets.

Traffic is crazy

for a seven-block radius
around Times Square tonight

with traditional
New Year's Eve gridlock

looking worse than ever.

So if you're late
for your midnight date,

we have one word for you,
run!

Tell me, gorgeous,
do you believe in fate?

What's your point, Huck?

Well, don't fight it, babe.

Something clearly cosmic
brought us here together,

right here, right now,
for one express purpose.

In that case,
I don't believe in fate, no.

What about
our midnight lip-lock?

Huck, are you
that self-absorbed,

or just so dense
that you don't know

that I have absolutely, positively
no interest in you whatsoever?

What are you saying?

So it's not happening?

I'm leaving.

Happy New Year.

What?

Where are you going?
It's not even midnight!

Julie, can't you just
wait 10 more minutes?

Love the one you're with?

Julie!

Mom, for once in your life,
you'd better be right.

Hey!

Hey, come back here!

Hey! Get back here now!

Would you look at that!

Sorry.

Rob?

Get off that horse!

Oh, my gosh!

Oh, my gosh.

Rob?

Are you all right?

Yeah. Yeah.

What are you doing?

On a horse?

I couldn't get a cab.

You mind telling me where the hell
you were going with my horse?

Yes. Of course
I can, officer.

You see, sir, your horse
was the only means of transportation

that was available to me.

By which I was able to catch up
to this beautiful woman right here

and tell her
how very much I love her.

So, you see, sir,

I mean,
I'm sure you can understand

with it being
New Year's Eve and all

that it was just something
that I had to do.

Right?

- Is he on the level?
- Actually, I think he is.

All right.

I'd better find out

you and your lady friend
ran off and got married,

or you're gonna be shovelin'
horsechips in Central Park.

Happy New Year, ma'am.

All right, look,
the other night at the hospital,

when you told me I wasn't
being honest with myself,

you were...
you were right.

I should have never let you go,

it's just that,
I had never met a woman before

that I not only wanted to spend
the whole holiday with,

but way beyond.

And that scared me,

so I used the excuse
that you left your fiance

as a way for me to leave you
before you could leave me.

And that was wrong,

and immature,

and I'm sorry, Julie.

You know, Rob,

just because your mom
used to disappear on you,

it doesn't mean
every woman will.

I know that now.

And, for the record,

I didn't leave Ben because
I'm some terrible person.

I left him because
I didn't love him...

Not the way that

I always dreamed
I would love someone.

- Is this a dream come true?
- Yes.

- Happy New Year, Julie.
- Happy New Year, Robbie.

Come on.

Eight, seven,

six, five, four,

three, two, one!

Happy New Year!

Yes,
the clock struck 12:00

and now
it's time to say goodbye.

From your friends
at 94.7 WNYJ,

here's wishing you
your best year ever.

Jam-packed with success,
happiness, and, most of all, love.