Hitched (2001) - full transcript
Salesman Ted Robbins is reported missing by his wife Eve, who actually keeps him imprisoned in his own home's basement after discovering his serial infidelity by car accident. Police detective in charge Cary Grant, who plans to retire and become a professional Frisbee golfer, has an eye on Eve. By the time he smells a rat, the tables have started turning, with grim results.
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[Mysterious music]
♪ ♪
(Woman) My husband, he's...
He's usually home by 11:00,
midnight, the latest.
If he's going to be
any later, he calls.
He always calls.
He didn't call last night?
What is he doing out so late
on a weeknight?
He's a salesman,
a luggage salesman.
He often has drinks
with his customers
all around the area,
sometimes at a local tavern,
sometimes at the airport.
It's part of his job to drink
with the retailers.
Do you work?
I'm a housewife.
Hmm.
I take in sewing sometimes.
I'm an old-fashioned girl,
I guess.
So does he
often come home drunk?
Oh, he paces himself.
You have to pace yourself if
drinking is a part of your job,
or you'll wind up in Betty Ford.
Or the morgue.
You think he's dead.
I don't think anything yet.
What's his name?
My husband? Ted.
Full name?
Theodore Robbins.
Hmm.
Aren't you gonna
write that down?
I'm gonna remember it.
It's not that hard a name.
Look, Mrs. Robbins,
we don't begin.
A missing persons investigation
until the party has been missing
for 24 hours.
But I'm not
a missing persons detective,
so what I can do here is,
I can begin
a preliminary investigation.
First, I'll need.
Your most recent photo of Ted.
How long ago were you married?
A year and a month.
I'll need
his dental records too.
I was trying to make a joke.
Don't people
under strain sometimes.
Try to make a joke?
Sometimes.
Where did your husband
go last night?
To the airport, I think.
Please jot down
his date of birth,
height, weight, eye color,
scars, and marks.
Your home phone and address.
And his work phone.
Oh, he... he works... worked...
Works from home.
[Sighs] Okay, Mrs. Robbins,
I'll call you
as soon as I know something.
If he turns up in the meantime,
of course, you'll call me.
Oh, of course, absolutely.
Thank you, detective Grant.
Um, I will need
those dental records.
[Mysterious music]
♪ ♪
[No audio]
[Melancholy music]
♪ ♪
[Car door slams]
[Doorbell rings]
Mrs. Robbins...
[Gasps] Oh.
Oh, no, nothing like that.
Thank god.
Here's good news:
I've been in touch
with the records clerk
for traffic collision
information.
There's no report
of your husband
having had a car accident.
Oh, thank god.
Again.
And, um, the coroner's office
received the copy
of Mr. Robbins' dental records,
so if your husband is, you know,
by any chance...
Well, then his, um,
remains haven't been...
Found as yet.
You have a lovely home,
Mrs. Robbins.
Thank you.
I did it all myself.
Wow.
Detective Grant, you're
keeping something from me...
[Dishes clanking]
Oh, dear.
[Water running]
You know what?
I think... do you mind?
Oh, uh,
uh, I keep it stocked,
expecting him to just
walk back in any minute, I...
I understand.
Bubbly water
works a little better.
Uh... oh.
There.
Tell me now, please.
Your husband, he...
Doesn't seem to have been...
Well, that is, not entirely...
Entirely...
Faithful.
What... what did you just say?
He hasn't been faithful
to you, Mrs. Robbins.
Wh... what do you mean by that?
Exactly what do you
mean by that?
Mrs. Robbins...
Eve, listen to me.
Those nights
he went out drinking
with his business contacts,
they weren't always.
Business contacts, okay?
He screwed around.
I know it's hard.
You don't want to hear it.
I know, I know.
I didn't want to tell you this.
Your husband screwed around.
I think your jeans'll
be fine, though.
Look at that. Yeah.
With who?
Who with?
Are you sure about this?
Ted Robbins.
I mean, Ted Robbins.
There must be hundreds
of Ted robbinses,
Ted robbinses that match
his description even.
He's so... so average.
He's just so...
How many were there?
Most days, I hate being a cop.
How many?
Five.
That I've confirmed.
I'm quitting, in fact.
I'm leaving the force.
Because of my husband?
No, no, no.
Don't blame him for me.
Eve.
You never suspected a thing?
I am so sorry, Eve...
Mrs. Robbins.
Can I help you up?
Are you saying Ted... he's...
He... he ran off
with another woman?
From what I've learned
about his patterns,
your husband wasn't...
Well, the romantic type.
A week, two weeks
was his preference,
then on to the next one.
I'm sorry.
Please, let me help you up.
Please.
So you're saying...
Saying?
Maybe a jealous husband,
or, uh, angry boyfriend,
someone who found out
about his wife or his girl
fooling around with Ted...
With Mr. Robbins.
And?
And?
And anything.
Maybe knifed him.
I'm not saying...
Clubbed him on the head.
Yeah.
Who knows?
He could be walking around
with a little lump on his noggin
trying to remember his name
and address.
Amnesia?
Well, when you say amnesia,
sounds kinda hokey.
All I'm saying, you want
to focus on the suspect.
If you're not looking
at the wife,
then you're looking...
Believe me, some of the lowlifes
we're talking about here,
they would be capable of...
Not to alarm you, Mrs. Robbins...
Shoving a blade
between somebody's ribs
and not batting an eye.
S-S-So now, are you saying
my husband's lying
in some shallow grave somewhere?
Let's hope not,
but if you're a religious woman,
maybe the best thing
for you to do
is go to your church or whatever
and pray.
I thought I'd find religion
when my mother was sick,
but I didn't, and she died,
and that was that.
Oh, well,
both my parents are dead,
and I'm an atheist too.
Yeah.
In the meantime,
this investigation
will continue,
and if it has not been resolved.
By the time I leave
the force next month,
rest assured, Mrs. Robbins.
It will be handed over
to another detective,
equally as
or more competent than me.
Thank you.
I'll be in touch.
I appreciate that.
I trust you.
I do.
Thank you, Eve.
[Engine starts]
[Suspenseful music]
♪ ♪
(Man) Eve?
Who else would it be?
Somebody there?
Thought I heard
the front door shut.
Yes, you did.
Somebody was here.
Five.
What?
Five.
5:00?
Five sluts.
Does that ring a bell?
And I doubt
that five counts Cheryl,
which makes six,
six women in the first year
of our marriage.
That you've banged
behind my back.
I wonder if that's
a world record.
Anyway, it's more times
than I went
to have my hair done last year.
So why are you just
sitting there like a lump?
I know you're a talkative boy
in the bars around town.
Don't you have something
to say to your wife?
I mean, that...
That is quite an achievement.
All those women.
And me not being any the wiser.
Aren't you proud of yourself?
Not when I was right there
doing it, Eve.
Of course not.
Sometimes it made me sick.
But you want to know the truth,
so here's what I figure.
I figure, sure,
I'm ashamed of it today,
me, Ted Robbins,
32 years of age,
but on my deathbed, Eve,
82 years of age,
do you honestly think
that I'm gonna feel sorry
about having scored
some extra tail?
See, here's the flaw
in your logic, Ted.
Don't count on being 82
on your deathbed.
Oh, Eve, grow up, okay? Grow up.
It's almost a crime
against nature
to pass up something
on the side, you know,
that comes your way.
Would you walk by a $100 bill
just lying on the street, Eve?
$100?
That's the figure?
Eve, I'm hungry!
Come and get it.
Eve.
[Chains rattling]
These women...
What about them
exactly made you sick?
Well, sometimes I'd think...
Don't laugh at me, Eve...
But, you know, we'd be there,
laying in bed,
and I'd think to myself,
"what's the matter
with these women?
You know, they're actually
making love to married man."
Mmm.
How morally bankrupt can one be?
Right.
So did you ever consider
taking off your wedding band
to score a higher class
of tramp?
Well, sure, I thought about it.
But we're being
honest here, Eve.
There's a little ring here,
right?
And it leaves a pretty pale band
around the finger, okay?
Easy to spot.
It's quite a science, isn't it?
Yes, it is a science.
It's genetics!
Meaning?
Meaning, I'm a man!
Meaning?
Meaning, adultery is
your friend, Eve, okay?
It makes marriage possible
and bearable.
Okay, now, but you don't
understand anything about this,
because your dad died young,
and then you and your mom.
Turned him into some sort
of plaster Saint.
But, in fact, for a man,
marriage is a forced march
across a scorching desert, okay?
And each affair, each fling,
is like an oasis
that revives US and refreshes US.
For the next leg
of that forced march.
And you're
my marching mate, Eve.
Believe me.
[Whispering] Whenever I would come
home after one of these five or six women,
and I would tiptoe
into the bedroom
and find you sleeping,
looking so peaceful
and so pretty,
I'd be infused
with love for you.
Ted.
Hmm?
Do you really think
that little speech
is gonna make me hand over
your supper?
Eve, I'm hungry, all right?
Have some mercy!
Slither.
What?
If you get down on your belly,
like a snake,
and slither, like a snake,
then you will reach
your plate of food.
[Scoffs]
Slither!
Before your food gets cold.
That's it.
Almost there.
Eve, exactly how much longer
has my sentence been extended?
Now, what's to prevent me
from smashing this glass
and pressing a shard
against your jugular, huh?
I'm demanding you set me free.
I swear,
I will cut your throat, Eve.
Not much, Ted, except that i'd
have to go upstairs and get the key,
which is under my pillow, and
in light of your bad behavior,
I might not come down again.
Eve, Eve. If you let me go now,
I won't tell a soul
what you've done.
I've learned my lesson.
I won't betray you
anymore either.
You gotta trust me, hon.
Oh, Theodore, if you were
someone I could trust,
you wouldn't be down here.
Eve, you can't do this to me!
I'm your husband!
And I'm your wife.
That's why I can.
[Screams]
[Laughing] Whoo!
(Eve) Ted.
I'm sorry, honey.
I'm just so jazzed, you know?
I can't believe
I'm finally getting hitched.
[Laughing] A-ow!
Sorry, Adele, sorry.
Sorry, sorry.
(Eve) Are you okay, mom?
(Adele) Never better.
I'll see you girls inside.
I'm gonna check if huey's here.
I'm so glad I lived
to see this day.
Hey, you made it.
Thanks for being a part of this.
Are you kidding me?
Misery loves company.
Welcome to the house of pain.
Okay? I'm fine.
All jesting aside, man,
she looks like quite a gal.
She is, my friend.
She's one of a kind.
Evie, you know baby huey.
Hey.
(Ted) This is Eve's
mother, Adele.
How's it going?
I got the documents.
Let's get the license.
[Elevator bell dings]
Blood test
and picture I.D.S, please.
And where's the daring duo?
I'm here to witness
the ceremony.
I'm the bride's mother.
No. You must be her sister.
[Chuckles]
And you're the other witness?
Yeah, yeah, I rubberneck
at car crashes too.
[Chuckling]
We all know why judge Solomon's
in such a good mood today.
Why's that?
My divorce came through today.
Finito, signed, sealed,
and delivered.
She took it all,
but who's quibbling?
Come on, campers.
Let's do the deed.
Somewhat ironic, huh?
Looked like Clarence Thomas here
wants a piece of Eve's mom.
Eve, we better book
another room...
Evie.
Come on.
We're not doing it.
What?
We're not getting married
in here today,
not by him, not in his mood.
It's all wrong.
Darling, listen.
We don't want
to hurt his feelings.
What about my feelings, Ted?
This was supposed to be
my wedding day.
It still is.
Okay, who cares
about a little civil ceremony?
Mere hours from now, honey,
we're going to be stranded
on a Mexican beach, right?
Frolicking
in the warm sand, huh?
Sippin' margaritas?
Come on.
Ted, we're not
getting married today.
Honey, listen,
have a sense of humor
about this.
Sweetheart, this'll make
such a good story.
And a horrible wedding.
Eve.
Mom, we're taking you home.
I'm sure you did
what you needed to, dear,
but don't wait too long
to try again,
or I may miss your wedding yet.
[Gasps] Oh, don't say that, mom.
You won't miss it.
You can't miss it.
I need you there.
(Eve) But she wasn't there.
Mom died two weeks later,
peacefully in her sleep,
and joined daddy up in heaven.
She left me some money,
not a king's ransom exactly,
but enough to go house hunting
in a decent neighborhood.
This is it.
In real estate, they say it's
location, location, location.
Honey, this is
ghetto, ghetto, ghetto.
It's a mixed neighborhood,
as you see.
You mean it'll be mixed
if we buy this dump, huh?
There's a big advantage
here, Ted.
The neighbors won't be
in your business.
Ah, hope Springs eternal
in the real estate racket.
If you like the craftsman style,
this is a Jewel.
And with a little elbow grease
and some tender loving care...
(Ted) Plus about a hundred thou?
Ted, it's sweet.
Sweet meaning small, honey?
The craftsmans
are typically modest in scale,
but they make up in detail
what they lack...
There's just the two of US
for now,
so yes,
it is small.
And yes,
it is the perfect size.
Ted, I see so much we can do.
You see how it flows?
Yes, it's so airy.
Because it's so empty.
We can do better, honey.
Come on.
Oh, hold on,
I can't believe I forgot...
That you have a nicer house
in a better neighborhood
for a lower price?
But this house has an ace
up its sleeve.
Wait'll you see.
[Door rumbling]
The cottage was built
in the '20s.
At the height of prohibition.
This was
the neighborhood speakeasy.
Wow.
You gotta be kidding.
(Eve) You mean the owners of the
house served drinks down here?
Drinks?
Honey, they served
hooch down here.
Look at this.
Baby, they served bathtub gin.
Black bottom, we all got 'em.
Oh.
Oh, don't worry.
When the bookcase is shut,
this is totally soundproof.
So when those roaring '20s
parties got wild...
Hopped up flappers,
two-bit gunsels,
dirty coppers on the take.
I find it a little creepy.
(Ted) Creepy?
It's a novelty, Eve.
It's a conversation starter,
you know,
for when I bring
a customer home, honey?
Look, we'll do it up
as a speakeasy again, you know?
Card tables, right?
The old tunes,
working bar.
We could throw
some crazy bashes in here.
You know, for our friends.
Wouldn't that be something,
lover?
But we don't really
have friends, Ted,
because you're always off
selling on Fridays and Saturdays
when other couples are
cultivating their friendships.
We'll talk about that later,
okay, honey?
I hate it above ground;
She hates it below.
So...
I guess that means
we'll take it.
[Whispers] Yes.
[Organ playing wedding march]
[Camera clicks]
Click
click
click.
(Eve)
After buying the house outright,
we still had enough left
from mom's nest egg
for the church wedding I wanted.
Of course, we saved
on the honeymoon.
And maybe it was better
than those Mexican margaritas
we missed out on.
Plastering the house
brought US so much closer
than getting plastered.
At least, that's how it seemed.
The crazy bashes
never quite happened,
which was fine with me too.
I was glad to spend
the first few months of marriage
alone with my husband.
(Man)
♪ this guy's in love with you. ♪
♪ Yes, I'm in love. ♪
♪ Who looks at you
the way I do? ♪
♪ When you smile, I can tell ♪
♪ we know each other... ♪ ♪
I'll be home 12:00-ish.
Don't wait up, okay?
Are you sure you're
sober enough to drive, Ted?
Yeah, yeah. Hey, listen.
It's better to be a little
lubricated behind the wheel.
You know, in a collision,
you're more relaxed.
You break fewer bones.
[Laughs]
You're not funny.
What?
I don't know.
Just every time you go to work,
it looks like you're leaving me.
Honey, these are samples.
They're empty.
Not even a toothbrush.
Daddy isn't going nowhere.
I guess what I really mean, Ted,
is it feels like...
Like you're leaving.
Wifey.
Just for that,
I'm gonna be home by 11:45.
[Door clicks]
[Car engine whirring]
You look like someone
who needs to buy something now.
Oh, I'm just window shopping.
I know, I know the look
a girl gets
when she needs to make
a purchase fast.
For whatever reason, maybe
she's lost her man or something.
I don't know. I'm not prying.
Lost my man? Excuse me, I
haven't even been married a year.
And buying something new
won't do.
It's gotta have history,
tradition,
the weight of having been in someone's
home, having been lived with for years.
Honestly, I don't know
what you're talking about.
Okay, I'll make it simple.
Something's missing
in your life.
I don't know what is,
but for whatever reason,
you want something real.
Don't argue with me.
Everything in this store
is guaranteed real.
Take your pick.
You can't go wrong.
Well,
actually, here's the thing.
We have
this little craftsman house.
I've already done the upstairs.
Without consulting me?
[Both giggle]
So now I'm thinking of...
Of maybe turning the downstairs
back into a speakeasy.
[Gasps] Oh, I like
it. I like it a lot.
Gradually, though.
I'm on a budget.
Unlike who?
This is the first thing
you're gonna need.
Cool, huh?
Mahogany and velvet,
spring-wound,
original diamond stylus.
Oh, my god, what's today?
I think it's Wednesday.
Today there's a special.
Buy the victrola,
you get free delivery.
And I'll throw in a 78.
It's romantic-sounding,
don't you think?
Oh, I think.
Do you sell vintage clothes too?
Honey, I'm home.
Evie?
Evie.
Evie, I'm hungry.
Eve?
[Music playing faintly]
What's...
[Woman over record player]
♪ listen, big boy, ♪
♪ I wanna be loved by you, ♪
♪ just you
and nobody else but you. ♪
♪ I wanna be loved by you. ♪
♪ I wanna be loved
by you alone. ♪
Holy moly, what in the heck?
[Sniffs]
Girl, you smell
as good as you look.
♪ I couldn't aspire
to anything higher ♪
♪ than, filled with desire,
to make you my own. ♪
♪ Do-do, do-do. ♪
Well, gal, you've
just gone and done it.
(Woman)
♪ nobody else but you. ♪ ♪
Please don't hurt me, Mr. Man.
[Laughing]
Oh, wow, honey, that was heaven.
It was, wasn't it?
Yes, but now, unhappily,
I'm late.
Ted!
Couldn't you just this once...
Listen, honey, I wish I could
lock myself down here with you,
but the buyer, he won't take
a single Hartmann piece from me
unless, you know,
I stand him to a scotch
and tell him a dirty joke,
which is what I hate
about this job.
Can I at least make you a snack?
Huh?
No, but I'll tell you
what you can do.
Just wait up for me, okay?
Just as you are,
and we'll take it
from where we left off, okay?
I love you.
[Needle scratching]
♪ I wanna be kissed by you
alone. ♪ ♪
[Phone ringing]
Ted.
(Man) Mrs. Robbins.
What's happened?
Your husband suffered
a grade two concussion,
sprained wrist,
superficial facial lacerations...
Oh, god!
That just means
some cuts on his cheek.
Trust me, he's lucky
he didn't break a bone.
Your husband must have been
very relaxed
when his car hit that lamppost.
Ted?
Darling.
I'm here.
It's okay.
You okay?
Of course I'm okay.
Thank god, you're okay.
Mmm.
Thank god.
Thank god.
Thank god, you're okay, Cheryl.
Oh, Cheryl.
No, Ted, it's...
[Snoring]
(Man) Now, the main
thing is rest, bed rest,
a lot of sleep
for the first few weeks.
Of course this means he
won't be working for a while.
Yes, yes.
And there's one last problem.
Your husband's blood alcohol
level was twice the legal limit.
I'm afraid your husband's going
to lose his license for a year.
I see.
Thank you, doctor.
Yeah.
My friend was in an accident.
Name?
Cheryl.
Cheryl what?
She was brought in a few hours
ago with Theodore Robbins.
[Keyboard keys clacking]
Cheryl mills,
room 112.
[Gasps]
What happened?
Where am I?
You've died and gone to hell.
Am I gonna be okay?
Cheryl?
Is Ted gonna be okay?
That depends on what
you mean by "okay."
Ted?
I've been so worried.
Oh, honey, I must have
fell asleep at the wheel.
I guess you did.
Guess I gotta stop
working so late.
I guess you do.
By the way, Cheryl's fine.
Cheryl who?
Cheryl,
the girl who was
with you in the car
when you plowed
into the lamppost.
Oh, that was just a girl
who needed a lift home, honey.
What I couldn't help
but notice about Cheryl,
when I saw her this morning,
is that she looks a bit like me,
don't you think?
Oh, no.
Except maybe ten years younger
and with a sort of
poutier mouth.
I wouldn't know, honey.
Ted. The doctor says you need
to phone your business contacts
and let them know you're taking
an indefinite leave.
You need complete rest.
It's crucial to your recovery.
So you'd be willing to nurse me?
Of course I would.
I'm wifey.
[Blues music]
♪ ♪
[Sobbing] Oh.
(Woman)
♪ sittin' by my window, ♪
♪ big mama is sittin' down
looking at the rain. ♪
♪ Hey, hey,
sittin' by the window, baby. ♪
♪ Oh-whoa, I been lookin' out
at the rain. ♪
♪ You know, something's
grabbed me, honey, ♪
♪ clamped onto me
like a ball and chain. ♪
♪ I say, oh, baby ♪
♪ why you wanna do
these ol' mean things to me? ♪
♪ I said, oh, now, honey, ♪
♪ why, why did you wanna do
these ol' mean things to me? ♪
♪ Because I know
I love you, baby... ♪ ♪
(Hugh) I got it. Thanks.
(Cheryl) Watch it.
(Man) Remember, the key is rest.
I can't stress that enough.
No running around.
(Eve) Right.
(Ted) These next few weeks'll
almost be like a second honeymoon.
Almost, dear.
When the morphine wears off, he'll want
a codeine every four hours for the pain.
And no booze.
I don't just mean
behind the wheel.
I'm talking prohibition.
Oh, I know just the place
for prohibition.
[Ted grunts]
Watch the door.
There you go.
Just one step at a time.
Oh, god, it's good to be home
in one piece.
Here I thought one piece
wasn't enough for you.
I can't dance right now.
I gotta take a load off my feet.
We're going to.
One step at a time.
Honey, I really want
to lie down.
I know, dear.
Why not in our bedroom?
Just about there.
Just come on down here.
There you go.
Now,
easy does it.
Lay down. Lay back.
Okay, okay, there you go.
Close your eyes.
Get your shoes off.
Eve, this cot is lumpy.
I can't sleep on a lumpy cot.
I know, dear.
Oh, easy, easy.
I know. Just relax.
Just relax.
My ankle, that's cold.
What is that?
Something you'll get used to.
It's a joke, right?
It's a joke.
Oh, no. No, no joke.
[Chuckles] It's not a joke.
This'll make a great story.
No joke, Ted.
Ah, ah!
My knee. Ow, Eve, I hurt myself.
Please give me my pills.
I need my pills.
Come on, Eve.
These pills?
Why?
'Cause of one little slip?
With Cheryl?
She's nothing.
Don't you think I know that?
Eve, this is how you treat
a rabid dog.
No, you shoot a rabid dog.
Eve, if you wanna punish me,
throw me out of the house!
Oh, you don't get off
that easy, Ted.
You took a wedding vow.
And it's not about punishing.
It's about protecting.
Protecting what?
Protecting what?
Our marriage.
Marriage?
Protecting our marriage.
She's nuts.
Are you really gonna leave me
down here?
Eve, where are you going?
To make you lunch, dear.
Try to rest.
Eve, this aggression
will not stand.
When they find out about
what you've done,
they'll lock you up
and throw away the key!
Ah!
[Humming]
[Phone rings]
Yes?
(Man) Mrs. Robbins?
Detective Grant, did... did...
You didn't...
Find a body?
Please say that you didn't.
No, no.
I did some follow-up
on the various women,
plus their husbands
and/or boyfriends.
Oh. And?
And I'd like to talk to you
about a theory I've developed.
Oh, um,
should I come in then?
I mean, to the station house?
Actually I'm off today.
Would you mind meeting me
at the pine grove disco?
I'll tell you how to get there.
It's not far
from where you live.
Okay, but, um, isn't it a little
early in the day for disco?
[Laughs]
Yeah, yes.
You ought to clean up
your room, Ted.
It looks like
the bottom of a birdcage.
[Chuckles]
Because it is a birdcage, okay?
And I'm the bird
with the broken wing.
Ha.
Don't laugh.
I am.
It's soggy.
Sorry, I'll get you
a fresh bowl.
You know what?
I want a hot breakfast, Eve.
I want eggs. I want bacon.
I want potatoes. I want toast.
Don't think that you're gonna
get away with all this, okay?
You're evil.
[Music playing slowly
and distorted]
That sounds terrible.
Eve, I demand
a hot breakfast, okay?
There's got to be some article
in the Geneva convention
that states...
Not now, Ted.
I'm going out.
Don't, don't, don't, don't,
don't, don't.
What if the whole house
catches fire?
You'll burn.
See, the truth is, Ted,
you brought this on yourself.
Me?
Me alone?
Mm-hmm.
Eve,
what self-respecting husband
doesn't have a girlfriend?
That's why they
call it adultery,
'cause it's for adults.
You're an adult.
You ought to
try it sometime, Eve.
Eve!
Eve, I'm so lonely!
Can I have just one hour
of your companionship?
You had my companionship,
plus my devotion, my love,
my belief in you,
and you defiled it all
night after night after night.
That'll never happen again.
[Spits]
[Door rumbling]
[Door slams]
[Chains clinking]
[Scratching sound]
Disc golf.
Eve, thanks for coming out.
Awesome, huh?
It's the region's
best basketed course.
Disc golf?
That's my sport.
Wow, you don't even look
like a cop.
I don't even feel like one.
And real soon,
I won't even be one.
How you doing?
There you go.
Hey, you wanna play?
It's not expensive or exclusive.
It's not like ball golf.
I can rent you
a full set of discs.
Maybe not today.
Okay, come on.
You got to keep it low and fast.
Low and fast.
This is my new
long distance driver,
the eagle.
So what is...
This is a gum putt.
Go ahead.
See, it's extra flexible.
Loves the chains.
Chains?
Fascinating.
I've never even heard of...
[Together] Disc golf.
Really?
Oh, man.
Well, you know, it's playable
from school age to old age,
a perfect
lifetime fitness sport.
Yeah, so I see.
Right, anyway,
what is...
Shh.
[Chains clink]
That's a birdie.
So what is this theory
you wanted to share?
Ah, yeah.
Uh, it's about the husbands
and boyfriends of...
You know, the women?
Oh, yes, yes.
Do you...
Have you narrowed down...
This next hole requires
a straight shot
with a right fader.
These initial interviews I did,
they were awkward, ugly.
Discussing a woman's infidelity
in front of her mate...
But I did it that way
for a reason.
[Grunts]
Damn.
Excuse me. I get emotional.
It's okay. I do too.
Um, see, I went back
to do follow-up
a few days after each interview,
really to see how the male party
had reacted to my information.
Meaning I was trying,
in a sense, to incite violence.
Well, but in the line of duty.
True.
This is called a turbo putt.
[Chains clink]
Nothing but chains.
That puts me two under par.
So you suspect
one of the boyfriends?
Well, I suspect
that anyone volatile enough
to give his girlfriend
a black eye
might be capable of, um,
you know, to Ted.
Doesn't that follow?
Hmm.
So... but I mean, you're not gonna
arrest this guy, are you?
Arrest him? For what?
For...
I don't know.
This hole's dangerous.
Water's out of bounds,
but with a good shot
and a little luck,
you're right on the green.
[Disc whirring]
Would you have a problem if I
arrested one of the boyfriends?
Wow, look at that. You're good.
You're like the Tiger Woods
of discs.
(Man) Tiger man.
You know the girl
with the shiner, Cheryl?
She was the one in the car
the night your husband crashed.
That's right.
That's right.
Cheryl, yes.
Of course you knew that.
Did I?
I think I did.
She's some sort
of acquaintance of Ted's.
Oh, which reminds me,
after he crashed his BMW,
what car was your husband using
when he continued his pattern
of going out to bars...
Mine.
The olds you drove here?
So what was Ted driving
the night he disappeared?
He, uh, he walked
out of the house that night.
Yeah, he'd do that sometimes,
walk a few blocks,
get some fresh air, hail a cab.
Really? Huh.
Now, you don't think...
You don't suspect me, do you?
You?
Don't...
Suspect you?
See?
I could be your caddie.
Here's the thing, Mrs. Robbins.
This is a good community.
Most of the people who live here
are good people.
Now, I don't know you very well,
but I like you.
But I can imagine a woman
who finds out
her husband was in a car
drunk with some girl,
she's not wicked, this woman,
or even vindictive,
but she takes her marriage vows
very seriously,
and now they've been violated.
So she does something impulsive.
Maybe she regrets it.
Maybe she knows it was wrong.
[Chains clink]
But what's done is done.
But why would that woman
go to the police
and report her husband missing,
if it was she...
To deflect suspicion.
Come on, Mrs. Robbins.
I mean, anyone who's watched
a matlock rerun.
Could answer that one.
Look, Eve,
a few weeks ago,
I canvassed your neighbors
to find out what I could about
your relationship with Ted.
Now, maybe it's a racial issue,
but nobody seems
to know anything.
Maybe because there's
nothing to know.
You, uh, you look cold.
Why don't we hit the clubhouse
for some hot chocolate?
(Eve) So why is such a promising
detective retiring so early?
The job takes a toll.
I mean, what you see...
Thank you.
When you go in people's homes,
what people do to each other,
people they supposedly love,
their husbands,
wives.
So what'll you do with yourself?
Well,
I'm gonna try
and make a go of it.
A go of what?
Disc golf.
Not to blow my own horn,
but I am playing
at a grand master level.
I know there's not
much money in it yet,
but soon there'll be pro tours,
endorsements, live TV coverage.
Well, on basic cable anyway.
In short,
disc golf is the future,
and I am not alone
in this belief.
This was fun.
In case we don't
see each other again,
good luck with your goal,
detective.
Thank you, Eve.
Oh, I don't even know
your name, your first name.
Oh...
You don't have to tell me
if it's against
departmental regulations or...
Um, it's Cary.
Cary Grant?
Yeah, but it's not spelled
how you'd expect.
It's c-a-r-y.
That's how he spelled his name.
Right.
So you'd assume if your parents
named you Cary Grant,
they'd come up
with a different spelling,
with a "k," let's say,
or an "e-y" at the end.
Yeah. Double "r."
Right.
[Muffled] You can imagine how...
You can imagine how
I was teased as a kid,
but when I asked
my folks about it,
they said that Cary Grant
wasn't his real name at all.
His real name was Archie leach.
For all the good that did me.
I think you're every bit
as gallant as he was.
[Engine starts]
Eve.
Eve, I'm starving.
So eat.
Not for food.
A little understanding,
you know?
I'm not pathological.
Not like I didn't know what I
was doing is wrong, you know?
Honey, I mean, all the time
that I was doing it, you know,
I would actually think.
I would think.
I would think, "this is wrong.
You know what?
This is wrong, wrong, wrong."
[Sighs]
Which I have to admit
was a bit of a turn-on.
Eve, Eve.
Honey.
Did you ever take a good look
at the male organ?
Isn't it obvious that
the thing has no conscience?
Huh?
Why do you think they call
it a tool?
Too graphic. I'm going.
Is it my fault
I'm attached to one?
[Door creaking]
[Chains clinking]
[Dreamy music]
[Scratching noise]
[Doorbell rings]
Yes?
(Man) Eve, it's me.
Just a minute.
Eve.
Hugh.
Yeah, hey, can I come in?
This is a surprise.
I wasn't expecting anyone.
Don't.
Don't hide your pain
from me, Eve.
Remember your wedding?
I was your best man.
Well, now, more than ever,
you need me, Eve.
You need a best man.
Well, that's
very sweet of you, Hugh.
Sweet, you don't know
from sweet.
Let me clue you, Eve.
My friends call me baby huey,
but an hour from now... and this
I know from experience...
You'll be calling me huey, baby.
I rather doubt that.
And now I'm going to have
to ask you to leave.
Why?
One, you're married.
Two, you're repulsive.
[Clears throat]
You know, I, um,
I come here
on an errand of mercy,
'cause I figure
you've just lost a husband.
You're gonna be achin'
for a little human contact,
like a normal person, right?
But you know what I think
now that I'm here?
I think you killed Ted. I do.
Whether it's because
you're a dyke
or for some other psycho reason,
damn it, I think
you chopped his body up
into itty-bitty pieces
and buried it in the backyard.
That's right. I did.
Do you want to come see?
You are one sick chick.
You know that?
[Door slams]
[Car engine revving]
Ted?
[Chains clink]
For you.
Try to ration it.
What's this?
Is the red cross coming
to inspect prison...
Hugh was here.
My friend?
To see me?
You're missing, Ted,
presumed dead.
He came to see me.
Actually seeing me was the least
of what he came for.
Well, if I'd gnawed off my foot,
I'd be free
to go rip out his liver.
Calm down.
He's gone.
Oh, my homey tries
to nail my wife,
and you're calling for calm.
Ha!
Where do you think you're going?
Someplace sane.
Well, you can't get there
from here!
[Door slams]
[Fire crackling]
(Ted) Ooh, Nick of time.
Okay, now, listen,
we gotta hurry, honey.
Okay, before that psycho prude
up there,
before she gets wind
that you're here.
[Chains clinking]
[Moaning angrily]
[Whispering] Now,
listen, the key is kept
underneath the pillow,
underneath.
Listen, if you're afraid,
sneaking around,
then you go
to the nearest police station,
and you
[shouting] Tell them
that Ted Robbins.
Has been detained
against his will!
Come on, hon.
After all I did you for.
[Laughing]
All you did me for
were a few drinks,
a couple pokes,
and a yeast infection.
[Grunting] No, get off me.
No, stop.
No, Cheryl, stop.
Stop it! No.
No!
Get off me! Get off me!
Get off me. No, stop.
Cheryl, stop. No, no.
No, no, no!
Stop!
Okay, Ted. Okay, fun's over.
Get a grip. Get a grip.
Crazy bitches, both of you!
Well, if we're crazy,
you made US that way.
Come on, hit me.
Ted, Ted.
[Cheryl yelling]
Ted, that's enough.
It's just the two of US
down here.
We're alone. Now, just stop.
What, are you ladies
leaving so soon?
Come on back!
We'll have a three-way!
What?
Eve, um, about that...
That dyke slur,
well, it was wrong.
Yes, it was.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
I'm... I'm absolutely sure
that you're heterosexual,
and I'm more than willing
to let you prove it.
Go away.
No, you see,
problem in a nutshell.
Your paranoia's talking,
not your pleasure receptors.
Get lost!
Screw you!
Dyke, dyke.
Dyke!
Wifey.
[Chains clinking]
Ted, what are...
[Moans]
Let's see how you like
being a p.O.W.
Hmm?
Prisoner of wedlock.
Shoe's on the other foot, huh?
It's heavy, isn't it?
It's cold too.
Though it's not as god-awful
tight as it was on me.
But, Ted, I didn't betray
our wedding vows.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
No, you only threw me
into solitary,
convicted me without a trial.
You're a model
of Christian forgiveness, Eve.
[Laughs]
Ted.
Breakfast will be served
at 10:00.
Don't leave me down here, Ted!
Unless I happen
to oversleep, Eve.
Don't leave me down here, Ted.
Had a wife
and couldn't keep her.
Ted!
Kept her in a pumpkin shell,
and there he kept her very well.
Ted!
Te-e-e-e-e-e-d!
[Woman over TV]
May, my birthday.
What are you talking about,
"a small step back"?
Do you know my family
and everything
is involved in this,
and your family too?
(Man) Yes, both our
families, and it's not...
(Woman) No, no, no.
(Man) I'm not trying...
(Woman)
What are you trying to say?
Are we getting married, or are
you trying to back out on me again?
What's going on? Don't play.
Don't try to leave me hanging.
What are you talking about?
Die.
Beep, beep, beeeeep.
[Ted humming reveille]
Am I late?
What is it?
It's a balanced meal bundled up
in a crispy cover.
It's frozen. Oh, yeah?
Then how come I got first-degree
burns bringing it down here?
I need something to drink
besides rusty tap water.
I'll get you a glass
of gatorade, okay?
Replace your lost electrolytes.
I haven't lost my electrolytes.
Lost everything but.
Oh, wallow, why don't you?
Eve.
It may not be freshly cooked,
but it'll fill your tummy-tum.
[Knock at door]
Yeah?
You're Ted Robbins.
Right. You?
I'm... was the detective
on your missing persons case.
Mmm.
I guess they
didn't tell you then.
It's now a found persons case.
I got a copy of the form
in here somewhere,
says the matter's been resolved.
Listen, I, uh,
had a fight with my wife.
You know, and then I walked out.
I explained this
to your replacement.
Anyway, if, uh,
if Eve reported me missing,
it's just a woman's pride
talking. You know how it is.
So you came back when?
A month or so ago.
And you've reconciled?
Well...
Could I talk to Eve,
to your wife?
If that isn't too much
of an intrusion.
Oh, not at all.
Except she's off right now.
She's out of town.
As you can see.
The place needs
a little bit of straightening.
So who should I tell her
came by?
Cary.
Just say Cary.
That with a "e-y" at the end?
Just a "y."
So, uh,
who is Eve visiting?
Her mother.
Right.
Some friggin' detective.
Her mother's dead.
[Phone ringing]
(Ted) Eve.
Evie.
[Ringing continues]
It's chow time.
Bored with the same old dish?
Yes?
So maybe now you see
my point of view.
No one wants oatmeal
every morning, right?
Despite the well-documented
health benefits of oatmeal.
So it's...
I need decent food.
[Bowl shatters]
Eve, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
You make me feel like some ogre.
Milk.
Milk of human kindness.
Damn, it's hard keeping another
creature alive, isn't it?
It is, isn't it?
Finish.
Are you going out?
Yeah.
Finally.
Got a little stir crazy,
you know, watching over you.
I won't be back late,
though, okay?
You want me
to pick you up anything?
No?
New edition of vogue?
Fall fashions.
[Rock music]
♪ ♪
(Man) ♪ can't run, can't hide. ♪
♪ You can't run tonight. ♪
♪ Can't run, can't hide. ♪
♪ Can't run. ♪ ♪
Hey.
Hey, yourself.
I spotted you in here
about six months ago,
and then... and then you just
stopped coming. How come?
Scotch rocks, barkeep. It's
actually a long and amazing story.
It's just a little bit too loud
and crowded in here to tell you.
Oh, well, now you got me going.
Well, girl,
I'm just getting started.
[Man over TV] Hi, there.
I'm here to fix your computer.
What?
Well, my computer's working
just fine.
(Man) Well, I just got a
message that your drive was down
and that you needed more ram.
Actually it's my sex drive
that's been down.
Well, then I guess
you do need more ram.
Lots more.
(Woman) Let's see what
kind of equipment you brought.
My equipment's...
What'd you do that for?
Because it's the height
of ridiculous
to watch other people hump.
Besides, you still haven't told
me the big story.
You'll never believe it.
Ready for another one yet?
No, and if you don't lay off,
Mark my words, guy,
you're gonna be Mr. Limpet.
Oh, excuse me, young lady.
It's not always about sex,
you know.
Sometimes it's about...
Just getting out of the house.
Um, um,
that... that weird thing on your...
Not there.
On your... on your left ankle.
That's, uh,
that's where my wedding band
used to be.
Aw, you drunk son of a bitch.
Nobody wears a wedding band
around their ankle.
That's where you're wrong.
See, I have a...
Unusual marriage.
Unusual how?
Unusual...
In that I love my wife.
[Laughs]
All right.
That's why you're, uh,
sacked up here in this
hot sheet motel room with me.
Right.
We love our wives
because they trust US,
and they believe in US,
and so our hearts
go out to them,
and we deceive them.
But if we deserved their trust,
our hearts
wouldn't go out to them.
We'd hate them instead.
Now, you have
to understand something.
The girl you marry,
like, overnight
becomes your mother, you know?
Another woman
keeping an eye on you,
a woman you got to escape from.
You're not listening.
Who else is going
to look after you, you know,
when your butt sags
and your hair falls out?
And everything gets stiff,
everything except the thing
that's supposed to.
Who, but your mother?
So go home to her.
I'm going.
I'm going.
No hard feelings.
As it were.
Good night, Mr. Limpet!
I must feed Eve.
[Tires screech]
It's for my wife.
You sure you're up to driving?
I'm driving home.
Got to get home.
To her.
Who needs another woman?
My wife is every woman.
Who needs another woman?
My wife is every woman.
Who needs another...
Damn it.
Yes.
[Breathing heavily]
[Tires screech]
[Ominous music]
[Siren wailing]
[Knock at door]
(Man) Mrs. Robbins?
It's the police.
[Child laughing]
Wait up!
[Pounding on door]
Eve, are you in there?
[Glass shattering]
Eve?
Eve.
[Echoing] As you can see.
[Door rumbling]
Eve?
Eve.
Hello, Cary Grant.
Oh, my god. Eve.
Eve, where's the key?
Upstairs, under my pillow.
Okay, good, I'll be right back.
That pathological excuse
for a husband of yours.
He's dead, isn't he?
In a drunken car wreck.
I'm sorry.
Don't be. When he didn't
bring me my frozen lunch,
I knew.
That bastard left you here
to starve to death.
I had a glass of milk.
I've been living on that.
Sip by sip.
For... how long has it been?
A day and a half.
Look, I'm going
to fix you something,
something to eat, nutritious.
No, not yet.
I've been waiting, Cary.
I knew you would come.
I knew I would too.
Maybe from the moment
that I saw you
walk into the police station.
Wait.
I phoned you a few times
after I'd left the force,
but you didn't call back.
I couldn't, Cary.
I know, I know now,
but when I saw
that Ted was back,
I figured that you'd,
you know, forgiven him,
and... I don't know.
You're here.
That's what matters.
You are so lovely.
Not nearly so lovely as you.
All right, now I am going
to make you some lunch.
I won't be too long.
Just wait here and rest, okay?
[Chains clinking]
[Suspenseful music]
Eve, you... you did this to me?
Eve, I think
I'm in love with you.
I think i'm
in love with you too.
And I will take
such good care of you, Cary.
Our life together
will be deeper,
more fulfilling than disc golf.
I guarantee.
Even at grand master level.
I don't... I don't understand.
Oh, but I do.
It's best this way.
This way,
you'll never betray me.
I know you don't want to now,
but if you were free to,
you would.
Sooner or later, you would,
because you can't help yourself,
because you're a man.
But I won't.
I won't!
All right, my love for you
is... is... is pure.
Our love will never be tainted.
It will always be pure,
and best of all,
every night,
I will know where you are.
What wife can say the same?
Someone... someone will come...
Come... come... come...
Looking for me.
I guess they could,
but I don't think so, Cary.
I think you're all mine.
Eve.
Eve?
Eve!
Eve!
Eve!
[Dreamy music]
♪ ♪
(Woman) ♪ I couldn't aspire ♪
♪ to anything higher ♪
♪ than filled with desire, ♪
♪ to make you my own. ♪
♪ Bup-bum,
butle-doodle-dum-bum. ♪
♪ I wanna be loved by you, ♪
♪ just you,
nobody else but you. ♪
♪ I wanna be loved by you. ♪
♪ A-lup-a-dup-a-dup-a-dup, ♪
♪ boop-boop-a-doop. ♪ ♪
Captioning provided by
usa networks.
usa networks.
[Mysterious music]
♪ ♪
(Woman) My husband, he's...
He's usually home by 11:00,
midnight, the latest.
If he's going to be
any later, he calls.
He always calls.
He didn't call last night?
What is he doing out so late
on a weeknight?
He's a salesman,
a luggage salesman.
He often has drinks
with his customers
all around the area,
sometimes at a local tavern,
sometimes at the airport.
It's part of his job to drink
with the retailers.
Do you work?
I'm a housewife.
Hmm.
I take in sewing sometimes.
I'm an old-fashioned girl,
I guess.
So does he
often come home drunk?
Oh, he paces himself.
You have to pace yourself if
drinking is a part of your job,
or you'll wind up in Betty Ford.
Or the morgue.
You think he's dead.
I don't think anything yet.
What's his name?
My husband? Ted.
Full name?
Theodore Robbins.
Hmm.
Aren't you gonna
write that down?
I'm gonna remember it.
It's not that hard a name.
Look, Mrs. Robbins,
we don't begin.
A missing persons investigation
until the party has been missing
for 24 hours.
But I'm not
a missing persons detective,
so what I can do here is,
I can begin
a preliminary investigation.
First, I'll need.
Your most recent photo of Ted.
How long ago were you married?
A year and a month.
I'll need
his dental records too.
I was trying to make a joke.
Don't people
under strain sometimes.
Try to make a joke?
Sometimes.
Where did your husband
go last night?
To the airport, I think.
Please jot down
his date of birth,
height, weight, eye color,
scars, and marks.
Your home phone and address.
And his work phone.
Oh, he... he works... worked...
Works from home.
[Sighs] Okay, Mrs. Robbins,
I'll call you
as soon as I know something.
If he turns up in the meantime,
of course, you'll call me.
Oh, of course, absolutely.
Thank you, detective Grant.
Um, I will need
those dental records.
[Mysterious music]
♪ ♪
[No audio]
[Melancholy music]
♪ ♪
[Car door slams]
[Doorbell rings]
Mrs. Robbins...
[Gasps] Oh.
Oh, no, nothing like that.
Thank god.
Here's good news:
I've been in touch
with the records clerk
for traffic collision
information.
There's no report
of your husband
having had a car accident.
Oh, thank god.
Again.
And, um, the coroner's office
received the copy
of Mr. Robbins' dental records,
so if your husband is, you know,
by any chance...
Well, then his, um,
remains haven't been...
Found as yet.
You have a lovely home,
Mrs. Robbins.
Thank you.
I did it all myself.
Wow.
Detective Grant, you're
keeping something from me...
[Dishes clanking]
Oh, dear.
[Water running]
You know what?
I think... do you mind?
Oh, uh,
uh, I keep it stocked,
expecting him to just
walk back in any minute, I...
I understand.
Bubbly water
works a little better.
Uh... oh.
There.
Tell me now, please.
Your husband, he...
Doesn't seem to have been...
Well, that is, not entirely...
Entirely...
Faithful.
What... what did you just say?
He hasn't been faithful
to you, Mrs. Robbins.
Wh... what do you mean by that?
Exactly what do you
mean by that?
Mrs. Robbins...
Eve, listen to me.
Those nights
he went out drinking
with his business contacts,
they weren't always.
Business contacts, okay?
He screwed around.
I know it's hard.
You don't want to hear it.
I know, I know.
I didn't want to tell you this.
Your husband screwed around.
I think your jeans'll
be fine, though.
Look at that. Yeah.
With who?
Who with?
Are you sure about this?
Ted Robbins.
I mean, Ted Robbins.
There must be hundreds
of Ted robbinses,
Ted robbinses that match
his description even.
He's so... so average.
He's just so...
How many were there?
Most days, I hate being a cop.
How many?
Five.
That I've confirmed.
I'm quitting, in fact.
I'm leaving the force.
Because of my husband?
No, no, no.
Don't blame him for me.
Eve.
You never suspected a thing?
I am so sorry, Eve...
Mrs. Robbins.
Can I help you up?
Are you saying Ted... he's...
He... he ran off
with another woman?
From what I've learned
about his patterns,
your husband wasn't...
Well, the romantic type.
A week, two weeks
was his preference,
then on to the next one.
I'm sorry.
Please, let me help you up.
Please.
So you're saying...
Saying?
Maybe a jealous husband,
or, uh, angry boyfriend,
someone who found out
about his wife or his girl
fooling around with Ted...
With Mr. Robbins.
And?
And?
And anything.
Maybe knifed him.
I'm not saying...
Clubbed him on the head.
Yeah.
Who knows?
He could be walking around
with a little lump on his noggin
trying to remember his name
and address.
Amnesia?
Well, when you say amnesia,
sounds kinda hokey.
All I'm saying, you want
to focus on the suspect.
If you're not looking
at the wife,
then you're looking...
Believe me, some of the lowlifes
we're talking about here,
they would be capable of...
Not to alarm you, Mrs. Robbins...
Shoving a blade
between somebody's ribs
and not batting an eye.
S-S-So now, are you saying
my husband's lying
in some shallow grave somewhere?
Let's hope not,
but if you're a religious woman,
maybe the best thing
for you to do
is go to your church or whatever
and pray.
I thought I'd find religion
when my mother was sick,
but I didn't, and she died,
and that was that.
Oh, well,
both my parents are dead,
and I'm an atheist too.
Yeah.
In the meantime,
this investigation
will continue,
and if it has not been resolved.
By the time I leave
the force next month,
rest assured, Mrs. Robbins.
It will be handed over
to another detective,
equally as
or more competent than me.
Thank you.
I'll be in touch.
I appreciate that.
I trust you.
I do.
Thank you, Eve.
[Engine starts]
[Suspenseful music]
♪ ♪
(Man) Eve?
Who else would it be?
Somebody there?
Thought I heard
the front door shut.
Yes, you did.
Somebody was here.
Five.
What?
Five.
5:00?
Five sluts.
Does that ring a bell?
And I doubt
that five counts Cheryl,
which makes six,
six women in the first year
of our marriage.
That you've banged
behind my back.
I wonder if that's
a world record.
Anyway, it's more times
than I went
to have my hair done last year.
So why are you just
sitting there like a lump?
I know you're a talkative boy
in the bars around town.
Don't you have something
to say to your wife?
I mean, that...
That is quite an achievement.
All those women.
And me not being any the wiser.
Aren't you proud of yourself?
Not when I was right there
doing it, Eve.
Of course not.
Sometimes it made me sick.
But you want to know the truth,
so here's what I figure.
I figure, sure,
I'm ashamed of it today,
me, Ted Robbins,
32 years of age,
but on my deathbed, Eve,
82 years of age,
do you honestly think
that I'm gonna feel sorry
about having scored
some extra tail?
See, here's the flaw
in your logic, Ted.
Don't count on being 82
on your deathbed.
Oh, Eve, grow up, okay? Grow up.
It's almost a crime
against nature
to pass up something
on the side, you know,
that comes your way.
Would you walk by a $100 bill
just lying on the street, Eve?
$100?
That's the figure?
Eve, I'm hungry!
Come and get it.
Eve.
[Chains rattling]
These women...
What about them
exactly made you sick?
Well, sometimes I'd think...
Don't laugh at me, Eve...
But, you know, we'd be there,
laying in bed,
and I'd think to myself,
"what's the matter
with these women?
You know, they're actually
making love to married man."
Mmm.
How morally bankrupt can one be?
Right.
So did you ever consider
taking off your wedding band
to score a higher class
of tramp?
Well, sure, I thought about it.
But we're being
honest here, Eve.
There's a little ring here,
right?
And it leaves a pretty pale band
around the finger, okay?
Easy to spot.
It's quite a science, isn't it?
Yes, it is a science.
It's genetics!
Meaning?
Meaning, I'm a man!
Meaning?
Meaning, adultery is
your friend, Eve, okay?
It makes marriage possible
and bearable.
Okay, now, but you don't
understand anything about this,
because your dad died young,
and then you and your mom.
Turned him into some sort
of plaster Saint.
But, in fact, for a man,
marriage is a forced march
across a scorching desert, okay?
And each affair, each fling,
is like an oasis
that revives US and refreshes US.
For the next leg
of that forced march.
And you're
my marching mate, Eve.
Believe me.
[Whispering] Whenever I would come
home after one of these five or six women,
and I would tiptoe
into the bedroom
and find you sleeping,
looking so peaceful
and so pretty,
I'd be infused
with love for you.
Ted.
Hmm?
Do you really think
that little speech
is gonna make me hand over
your supper?
Eve, I'm hungry, all right?
Have some mercy!
Slither.
What?
If you get down on your belly,
like a snake,
and slither, like a snake,
then you will reach
your plate of food.
[Scoffs]
Slither!
Before your food gets cold.
That's it.
Almost there.
Eve, exactly how much longer
has my sentence been extended?
Now, what's to prevent me
from smashing this glass
and pressing a shard
against your jugular, huh?
I'm demanding you set me free.
I swear,
I will cut your throat, Eve.
Not much, Ted, except that i'd
have to go upstairs and get the key,
which is under my pillow, and
in light of your bad behavior,
I might not come down again.
Eve, Eve. If you let me go now,
I won't tell a soul
what you've done.
I've learned my lesson.
I won't betray you
anymore either.
You gotta trust me, hon.
Oh, Theodore, if you were
someone I could trust,
you wouldn't be down here.
Eve, you can't do this to me!
I'm your husband!
And I'm your wife.
That's why I can.
[Screams]
[Laughing] Whoo!
(Eve) Ted.
I'm sorry, honey.
I'm just so jazzed, you know?
I can't believe
I'm finally getting hitched.
[Laughing] A-ow!
Sorry, Adele, sorry.
Sorry, sorry.
(Eve) Are you okay, mom?
(Adele) Never better.
I'll see you girls inside.
I'm gonna check if huey's here.
I'm so glad I lived
to see this day.
Hey, you made it.
Thanks for being a part of this.
Are you kidding me?
Misery loves company.
Welcome to the house of pain.
Okay? I'm fine.
All jesting aside, man,
she looks like quite a gal.
She is, my friend.
She's one of a kind.
Evie, you know baby huey.
Hey.
(Ted) This is Eve's
mother, Adele.
How's it going?
I got the documents.
Let's get the license.
[Elevator bell dings]
Blood test
and picture I.D.S, please.
And where's the daring duo?
I'm here to witness
the ceremony.
I'm the bride's mother.
No. You must be her sister.
[Chuckles]
And you're the other witness?
Yeah, yeah, I rubberneck
at car crashes too.
[Chuckling]
We all know why judge Solomon's
in such a good mood today.
Why's that?
My divorce came through today.
Finito, signed, sealed,
and delivered.
She took it all,
but who's quibbling?
Come on, campers.
Let's do the deed.
Somewhat ironic, huh?
Looked like Clarence Thomas here
wants a piece of Eve's mom.
Eve, we better book
another room...
Evie.
Come on.
We're not doing it.
What?
We're not getting married
in here today,
not by him, not in his mood.
It's all wrong.
Darling, listen.
We don't want
to hurt his feelings.
What about my feelings, Ted?
This was supposed to be
my wedding day.
It still is.
Okay, who cares
about a little civil ceremony?
Mere hours from now, honey,
we're going to be stranded
on a Mexican beach, right?
Frolicking
in the warm sand, huh?
Sippin' margaritas?
Come on.
Ted, we're not
getting married today.
Honey, listen,
have a sense of humor
about this.
Sweetheart, this'll make
such a good story.
And a horrible wedding.
Eve.
Mom, we're taking you home.
I'm sure you did
what you needed to, dear,
but don't wait too long
to try again,
or I may miss your wedding yet.
[Gasps] Oh, don't say that, mom.
You won't miss it.
You can't miss it.
I need you there.
(Eve) But she wasn't there.
Mom died two weeks later,
peacefully in her sleep,
and joined daddy up in heaven.
She left me some money,
not a king's ransom exactly,
but enough to go house hunting
in a decent neighborhood.
This is it.
In real estate, they say it's
location, location, location.
Honey, this is
ghetto, ghetto, ghetto.
It's a mixed neighborhood,
as you see.
You mean it'll be mixed
if we buy this dump, huh?
There's a big advantage
here, Ted.
The neighbors won't be
in your business.
Ah, hope Springs eternal
in the real estate racket.
If you like the craftsman style,
this is a Jewel.
And with a little elbow grease
and some tender loving care...
(Ted) Plus about a hundred thou?
Ted, it's sweet.
Sweet meaning small, honey?
The craftsmans
are typically modest in scale,
but they make up in detail
what they lack...
There's just the two of US
for now,
so yes,
it is small.
And yes,
it is the perfect size.
Ted, I see so much we can do.
You see how it flows?
Yes, it's so airy.
Because it's so empty.
We can do better, honey.
Come on.
Oh, hold on,
I can't believe I forgot...
That you have a nicer house
in a better neighborhood
for a lower price?
But this house has an ace
up its sleeve.
Wait'll you see.
[Door rumbling]
The cottage was built
in the '20s.
At the height of prohibition.
This was
the neighborhood speakeasy.
Wow.
You gotta be kidding.
(Eve) You mean the owners of the
house served drinks down here?
Drinks?
Honey, they served
hooch down here.
Look at this.
Baby, they served bathtub gin.
Black bottom, we all got 'em.
Oh.
Oh, don't worry.
When the bookcase is shut,
this is totally soundproof.
So when those roaring '20s
parties got wild...
Hopped up flappers,
two-bit gunsels,
dirty coppers on the take.
I find it a little creepy.
(Ted) Creepy?
It's a novelty, Eve.
It's a conversation starter,
you know,
for when I bring
a customer home, honey?
Look, we'll do it up
as a speakeasy again, you know?
Card tables, right?
The old tunes,
working bar.
We could throw
some crazy bashes in here.
You know, for our friends.
Wouldn't that be something,
lover?
But we don't really
have friends, Ted,
because you're always off
selling on Fridays and Saturdays
when other couples are
cultivating their friendships.
We'll talk about that later,
okay, honey?
I hate it above ground;
She hates it below.
So...
I guess that means
we'll take it.
[Whispers] Yes.
[Organ playing wedding march]
[Camera clicks]
Click
click
click.
(Eve)
After buying the house outright,
we still had enough left
from mom's nest egg
for the church wedding I wanted.
Of course, we saved
on the honeymoon.
And maybe it was better
than those Mexican margaritas
we missed out on.
Plastering the house
brought US so much closer
than getting plastered.
At least, that's how it seemed.
The crazy bashes
never quite happened,
which was fine with me too.
I was glad to spend
the first few months of marriage
alone with my husband.
(Man)
♪ this guy's in love with you. ♪
♪ Yes, I'm in love. ♪
♪ Who looks at you
the way I do? ♪
♪ When you smile, I can tell ♪
♪ we know each other... ♪ ♪
I'll be home 12:00-ish.
Don't wait up, okay?
Are you sure you're
sober enough to drive, Ted?
Yeah, yeah. Hey, listen.
It's better to be a little
lubricated behind the wheel.
You know, in a collision,
you're more relaxed.
You break fewer bones.
[Laughs]
You're not funny.
What?
I don't know.
Just every time you go to work,
it looks like you're leaving me.
Honey, these are samples.
They're empty.
Not even a toothbrush.
Daddy isn't going nowhere.
I guess what I really mean, Ted,
is it feels like...
Like you're leaving.
Wifey.
Just for that,
I'm gonna be home by 11:45.
[Door clicks]
[Car engine whirring]
You look like someone
who needs to buy something now.
Oh, I'm just window shopping.
I know, I know the look
a girl gets
when she needs to make
a purchase fast.
For whatever reason, maybe
she's lost her man or something.
I don't know. I'm not prying.
Lost my man? Excuse me, I
haven't even been married a year.
And buying something new
won't do.
It's gotta have history,
tradition,
the weight of having been in someone's
home, having been lived with for years.
Honestly, I don't know
what you're talking about.
Okay, I'll make it simple.
Something's missing
in your life.
I don't know what is,
but for whatever reason,
you want something real.
Don't argue with me.
Everything in this store
is guaranteed real.
Take your pick.
You can't go wrong.
Well,
actually, here's the thing.
We have
this little craftsman house.
I've already done the upstairs.
Without consulting me?
[Both giggle]
So now I'm thinking of...
Of maybe turning the downstairs
back into a speakeasy.
[Gasps] Oh, I like
it. I like it a lot.
Gradually, though.
I'm on a budget.
Unlike who?
This is the first thing
you're gonna need.
Cool, huh?
Mahogany and velvet,
spring-wound,
original diamond stylus.
Oh, my god, what's today?
I think it's Wednesday.
Today there's a special.
Buy the victrola,
you get free delivery.
And I'll throw in a 78.
It's romantic-sounding,
don't you think?
Oh, I think.
Do you sell vintage clothes too?
Honey, I'm home.
Evie?
Evie.
Evie, I'm hungry.
Eve?
[Music playing faintly]
What's...
[Woman over record player]
♪ listen, big boy, ♪
♪ I wanna be loved by you, ♪
♪ just you
and nobody else but you. ♪
♪ I wanna be loved by you. ♪
♪ I wanna be loved
by you alone. ♪
Holy moly, what in the heck?
[Sniffs]
Girl, you smell
as good as you look.
♪ I couldn't aspire
to anything higher ♪
♪ than, filled with desire,
to make you my own. ♪
♪ Do-do, do-do. ♪
Well, gal, you've
just gone and done it.
(Woman)
♪ nobody else but you. ♪ ♪
Please don't hurt me, Mr. Man.
[Laughing]
Oh, wow, honey, that was heaven.
It was, wasn't it?
Yes, but now, unhappily,
I'm late.
Ted!
Couldn't you just this once...
Listen, honey, I wish I could
lock myself down here with you,
but the buyer, he won't take
a single Hartmann piece from me
unless, you know,
I stand him to a scotch
and tell him a dirty joke,
which is what I hate
about this job.
Can I at least make you a snack?
Huh?
No, but I'll tell you
what you can do.
Just wait up for me, okay?
Just as you are,
and we'll take it
from where we left off, okay?
I love you.
[Needle scratching]
♪ I wanna be kissed by you
alone. ♪ ♪
[Phone ringing]
Ted.
(Man) Mrs. Robbins.
What's happened?
Your husband suffered
a grade two concussion,
sprained wrist,
superficial facial lacerations...
Oh, god!
That just means
some cuts on his cheek.
Trust me, he's lucky
he didn't break a bone.
Your husband must have been
very relaxed
when his car hit that lamppost.
Ted?
Darling.
I'm here.
It's okay.
You okay?
Of course I'm okay.
Thank god, you're okay.
Mmm.
Thank god.
Thank god.
Thank god, you're okay, Cheryl.
Oh, Cheryl.
No, Ted, it's...
[Snoring]
(Man) Now, the main
thing is rest, bed rest,
a lot of sleep
for the first few weeks.
Of course this means he
won't be working for a while.
Yes, yes.
And there's one last problem.
Your husband's blood alcohol
level was twice the legal limit.
I'm afraid your husband's going
to lose his license for a year.
I see.
Thank you, doctor.
Yeah.
My friend was in an accident.
Name?
Cheryl.
Cheryl what?
She was brought in a few hours
ago with Theodore Robbins.
[Keyboard keys clacking]
Cheryl mills,
room 112.
[Gasps]
What happened?
Where am I?
You've died and gone to hell.
Am I gonna be okay?
Cheryl?
Is Ted gonna be okay?
That depends on what
you mean by "okay."
Ted?
I've been so worried.
Oh, honey, I must have
fell asleep at the wheel.
I guess you did.
Guess I gotta stop
working so late.
I guess you do.
By the way, Cheryl's fine.
Cheryl who?
Cheryl,
the girl who was
with you in the car
when you plowed
into the lamppost.
Oh, that was just a girl
who needed a lift home, honey.
What I couldn't help
but notice about Cheryl,
when I saw her this morning,
is that she looks a bit like me,
don't you think?
Oh, no.
Except maybe ten years younger
and with a sort of
poutier mouth.
I wouldn't know, honey.
Ted. The doctor says you need
to phone your business contacts
and let them know you're taking
an indefinite leave.
You need complete rest.
It's crucial to your recovery.
So you'd be willing to nurse me?
Of course I would.
I'm wifey.
[Blues music]
♪ ♪
[Sobbing] Oh.
(Woman)
♪ sittin' by my window, ♪
♪ big mama is sittin' down
looking at the rain. ♪
♪ Hey, hey,
sittin' by the window, baby. ♪
♪ Oh-whoa, I been lookin' out
at the rain. ♪
♪ You know, something's
grabbed me, honey, ♪
♪ clamped onto me
like a ball and chain. ♪
♪ I say, oh, baby ♪
♪ why you wanna do
these ol' mean things to me? ♪
♪ I said, oh, now, honey, ♪
♪ why, why did you wanna do
these ol' mean things to me? ♪
♪ Because I know
I love you, baby... ♪ ♪
(Hugh) I got it. Thanks.
(Cheryl) Watch it.
(Man) Remember, the key is rest.
I can't stress that enough.
No running around.
(Eve) Right.
(Ted) These next few weeks'll
almost be like a second honeymoon.
Almost, dear.
When the morphine wears off, he'll want
a codeine every four hours for the pain.
And no booze.
I don't just mean
behind the wheel.
I'm talking prohibition.
Oh, I know just the place
for prohibition.
[Ted grunts]
Watch the door.
There you go.
Just one step at a time.
Oh, god, it's good to be home
in one piece.
Here I thought one piece
wasn't enough for you.
I can't dance right now.
I gotta take a load off my feet.
We're going to.
One step at a time.
Honey, I really want
to lie down.
I know, dear.
Why not in our bedroom?
Just about there.
Just come on down here.
There you go.
Now,
easy does it.
Lay down. Lay back.
Okay, okay, there you go.
Close your eyes.
Get your shoes off.
Eve, this cot is lumpy.
I can't sleep on a lumpy cot.
I know, dear.
Oh, easy, easy.
I know. Just relax.
Just relax.
My ankle, that's cold.
What is that?
Something you'll get used to.
It's a joke, right?
It's a joke.
Oh, no. No, no joke.
[Chuckles] It's not a joke.
This'll make a great story.
No joke, Ted.
Ah, ah!
My knee. Ow, Eve, I hurt myself.
Please give me my pills.
I need my pills.
Come on, Eve.
These pills?
Why?
'Cause of one little slip?
With Cheryl?
She's nothing.
Don't you think I know that?
Eve, this is how you treat
a rabid dog.
No, you shoot a rabid dog.
Eve, if you wanna punish me,
throw me out of the house!
Oh, you don't get off
that easy, Ted.
You took a wedding vow.
And it's not about punishing.
It's about protecting.
Protecting what?
Protecting what?
Our marriage.
Marriage?
Protecting our marriage.
She's nuts.
Are you really gonna leave me
down here?
Eve, where are you going?
To make you lunch, dear.
Try to rest.
Eve, this aggression
will not stand.
When they find out about
what you've done,
they'll lock you up
and throw away the key!
Ah!
[Humming]
[Phone rings]
Yes?
(Man) Mrs. Robbins?
Detective Grant, did... did...
You didn't...
Find a body?
Please say that you didn't.
No, no.
I did some follow-up
on the various women,
plus their husbands
and/or boyfriends.
Oh. And?
And I'd like to talk to you
about a theory I've developed.
Oh, um,
should I come in then?
I mean, to the station house?
Actually I'm off today.
Would you mind meeting me
at the pine grove disco?
I'll tell you how to get there.
It's not far
from where you live.
Okay, but, um, isn't it a little
early in the day for disco?
[Laughs]
Yeah, yes.
You ought to clean up
your room, Ted.
It looks like
the bottom of a birdcage.
[Chuckles]
Because it is a birdcage, okay?
And I'm the bird
with the broken wing.
Ha.
Don't laugh.
I am.
It's soggy.
Sorry, I'll get you
a fresh bowl.
You know what?
I want a hot breakfast, Eve.
I want eggs. I want bacon.
I want potatoes. I want toast.
Don't think that you're gonna
get away with all this, okay?
You're evil.
[Music playing slowly
and distorted]
That sounds terrible.
Eve, I demand
a hot breakfast, okay?
There's got to be some article
in the Geneva convention
that states...
Not now, Ted.
I'm going out.
Don't, don't, don't, don't,
don't, don't.
What if the whole house
catches fire?
You'll burn.
See, the truth is, Ted,
you brought this on yourself.
Me?
Me alone?
Mm-hmm.
Eve,
what self-respecting husband
doesn't have a girlfriend?
That's why they
call it adultery,
'cause it's for adults.
You're an adult.
You ought to
try it sometime, Eve.
Eve!
Eve, I'm so lonely!
Can I have just one hour
of your companionship?
You had my companionship,
plus my devotion, my love,
my belief in you,
and you defiled it all
night after night after night.
That'll never happen again.
[Spits]
[Door rumbling]
[Door slams]
[Chains clinking]
[Scratching sound]
Disc golf.
Eve, thanks for coming out.
Awesome, huh?
It's the region's
best basketed course.
Disc golf?
That's my sport.
Wow, you don't even look
like a cop.
I don't even feel like one.
And real soon,
I won't even be one.
How you doing?
There you go.
Hey, you wanna play?
It's not expensive or exclusive.
It's not like ball golf.
I can rent you
a full set of discs.
Maybe not today.
Okay, come on.
You got to keep it low and fast.
Low and fast.
This is my new
long distance driver,
the eagle.
So what is...
This is a gum putt.
Go ahead.
See, it's extra flexible.
Loves the chains.
Chains?
Fascinating.
I've never even heard of...
[Together] Disc golf.
Really?
Oh, man.
Well, you know, it's playable
from school age to old age,
a perfect
lifetime fitness sport.
Yeah, so I see.
Right, anyway,
what is...
Shh.
[Chains clink]
That's a birdie.
So what is this theory
you wanted to share?
Ah, yeah.
Uh, it's about the husbands
and boyfriends of...
You know, the women?
Oh, yes, yes.
Do you...
Have you narrowed down...
This next hole requires
a straight shot
with a right fader.
These initial interviews I did,
they were awkward, ugly.
Discussing a woman's infidelity
in front of her mate...
But I did it that way
for a reason.
[Grunts]
Damn.
Excuse me. I get emotional.
It's okay. I do too.
Um, see, I went back
to do follow-up
a few days after each interview,
really to see how the male party
had reacted to my information.
Meaning I was trying,
in a sense, to incite violence.
Well, but in the line of duty.
True.
This is called a turbo putt.
[Chains clink]
Nothing but chains.
That puts me two under par.
So you suspect
one of the boyfriends?
Well, I suspect
that anyone volatile enough
to give his girlfriend
a black eye
might be capable of, um,
you know, to Ted.
Doesn't that follow?
Hmm.
So... but I mean, you're not gonna
arrest this guy, are you?
Arrest him? For what?
For...
I don't know.
This hole's dangerous.
Water's out of bounds,
but with a good shot
and a little luck,
you're right on the green.
[Disc whirring]
Would you have a problem if I
arrested one of the boyfriends?
Wow, look at that. You're good.
You're like the Tiger Woods
of discs.
(Man) Tiger man.
You know the girl
with the shiner, Cheryl?
She was the one in the car
the night your husband crashed.
That's right.
That's right.
Cheryl, yes.
Of course you knew that.
Did I?
I think I did.
She's some sort
of acquaintance of Ted's.
Oh, which reminds me,
after he crashed his BMW,
what car was your husband using
when he continued his pattern
of going out to bars...
Mine.
The olds you drove here?
So what was Ted driving
the night he disappeared?
He, uh, he walked
out of the house that night.
Yeah, he'd do that sometimes,
walk a few blocks,
get some fresh air, hail a cab.
Really? Huh.
Now, you don't think...
You don't suspect me, do you?
You?
Don't...
Suspect you?
See?
I could be your caddie.
Here's the thing, Mrs. Robbins.
This is a good community.
Most of the people who live here
are good people.
Now, I don't know you very well,
but I like you.
But I can imagine a woman
who finds out
her husband was in a car
drunk with some girl,
she's not wicked, this woman,
or even vindictive,
but she takes her marriage vows
very seriously,
and now they've been violated.
So she does something impulsive.
Maybe she regrets it.
Maybe she knows it was wrong.
[Chains clink]
But what's done is done.
But why would that woman
go to the police
and report her husband missing,
if it was she...
To deflect suspicion.
Come on, Mrs. Robbins.
I mean, anyone who's watched
a matlock rerun.
Could answer that one.
Look, Eve,
a few weeks ago,
I canvassed your neighbors
to find out what I could about
your relationship with Ted.
Now, maybe it's a racial issue,
but nobody seems
to know anything.
Maybe because there's
nothing to know.
You, uh, you look cold.
Why don't we hit the clubhouse
for some hot chocolate?
(Eve) So why is such a promising
detective retiring so early?
The job takes a toll.
I mean, what you see...
Thank you.
When you go in people's homes,
what people do to each other,
people they supposedly love,
their husbands,
wives.
So what'll you do with yourself?
Well,
I'm gonna try
and make a go of it.
A go of what?
Disc golf.
Not to blow my own horn,
but I am playing
at a grand master level.
I know there's not
much money in it yet,
but soon there'll be pro tours,
endorsements, live TV coverage.
Well, on basic cable anyway.
In short,
disc golf is the future,
and I am not alone
in this belief.
This was fun.
In case we don't
see each other again,
good luck with your goal,
detective.
Thank you, Eve.
Oh, I don't even know
your name, your first name.
Oh...
You don't have to tell me
if it's against
departmental regulations or...
Um, it's Cary.
Cary Grant?
Yeah, but it's not spelled
how you'd expect.
It's c-a-r-y.
That's how he spelled his name.
Right.
So you'd assume if your parents
named you Cary Grant,
they'd come up
with a different spelling,
with a "k," let's say,
or an "e-y" at the end.
Yeah. Double "r."
Right.
[Muffled] You can imagine how...
You can imagine how
I was teased as a kid,
but when I asked
my folks about it,
they said that Cary Grant
wasn't his real name at all.
His real name was Archie leach.
For all the good that did me.
I think you're every bit
as gallant as he was.
[Engine starts]
Eve.
Eve, I'm starving.
So eat.
Not for food.
A little understanding,
you know?
I'm not pathological.
Not like I didn't know what I
was doing is wrong, you know?
Honey, I mean, all the time
that I was doing it, you know,
I would actually think.
I would think.
I would think, "this is wrong.
You know what?
This is wrong, wrong, wrong."
[Sighs]
Which I have to admit
was a bit of a turn-on.
Eve, Eve.
Honey.
Did you ever take a good look
at the male organ?
Isn't it obvious that
the thing has no conscience?
Huh?
Why do you think they call
it a tool?
Too graphic. I'm going.
Is it my fault
I'm attached to one?
[Door creaking]
[Chains clinking]
[Dreamy music]
[Scratching noise]
[Doorbell rings]
Yes?
(Man) Eve, it's me.
Just a minute.
Eve.
Hugh.
Yeah, hey, can I come in?
This is a surprise.
I wasn't expecting anyone.
Don't.
Don't hide your pain
from me, Eve.
Remember your wedding?
I was your best man.
Well, now, more than ever,
you need me, Eve.
You need a best man.
Well, that's
very sweet of you, Hugh.
Sweet, you don't know
from sweet.
Let me clue you, Eve.
My friends call me baby huey,
but an hour from now... and this
I know from experience...
You'll be calling me huey, baby.
I rather doubt that.
And now I'm going to have
to ask you to leave.
Why?
One, you're married.
Two, you're repulsive.
[Clears throat]
You know, I, um,
I come here
on an errand of mercy,
'cause I figure
you've just lost a husband.
You're gonna be achin'
for a little human contact,
like a normal person, right?
But you know what I think
now that I'm here?
I think you killed Ted. I do.
Whether it's because
you're a dyke
or for some other psycho reason,
damn it, I think
you chopped his body up
into itty-bitty pieces
and buried it in the backyard.
That's right. I did.
Do you want to come see?
You are one sick chick.
You know that?
[Door slams]
[Car engine revving]
Ted?
[Chains clink]
For you.
Try to ration it.
What's this?
Is the red cross coming
to inspect prison...
Hugh was here.
My friend?
To see me?
You're missing, Ted,
presumed dead.
He came to see me.
Actually seeing me was the least
of what he came for.
Well, if I'd gnawed off my foot,
I'd be free
to go rip out his liver.
Calm down.
He's gone.
Oh, my homey tries
to nail my wife,
and you're calling for calm.
Ha!
Where do you think you're going?
Someplace sane.
Well, you can't get there
from here!
[Door slams]
[Fire crackling]
(Ted) Ooh, Nick of time.
Okay, now, listen,
we gotta hurry, honey.
Okay, before that psycho prude
up there,
before she gets wind
that you're here.
[Chains clinking]
[Moaning angrily]
[Whispering] Now,
listen, the key is kept
underneath the pillow,
underneath.
Listen, if you're afraid,
sneaking around,
then you go
to the nearest police station,
and you
[shouting] Tell them
that Ted Robbins.
Has been detained
against his will!
Come on, hon.
After all I did you for.
[Laughing]
All you did me for
were a few drinks,
a couple pokes,
and a yeast infection.
[Grunting] No, get off me.
No, stop.
No, Cheryl, stop.
Stop it! No.
No!
Get off me! Get off me!
Get off me. No, stop.
Cheryl, stop. No, no.
No, no, no!
Stop!
Okay, Ted. Okay, fun's over.
Get a grip. Get a grip.
Crazy bitches, both of you!
Well, if we're crazy,
you made US that way.
Come on, hit me.
Ted, Ted.
[Cheryl yelling]
Ted, that's enough.
It's just the two of US
down here.
We're alone. Now, just stop.
What, are you ladies
leaving so soon?
Come on back!
We'll have a three-way!
What?
Eve, um, about that...
That dyke slur,
well, it was wrong.
Yes, it was.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
I'm... I'm absolutely sure
that you're heterosexual,
and I'm more than willing
to let you prove it.
Go away.
No, you see,
problem in a nutshell.
Your paranoia's talking,
not your pleasure receptors.
Get lost!
Screw you!
Dyke, dyke.
Dyke!
Wifey.
[Chains clinking]
Ted, what are...
[Moans]
Let's see how you like
being a p.O.W.
Hmm?
Prisoner of wedlock.
Shoe's on the other foot, huh?
It's heavy, isn't it?
It's cold too.
Though it's not as god-awful
tight as it was on me.
But, Ted, I didn't betray
our wedding vows.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
No, you only threw me
into solitary,
convicted me without a trial.
You're a model
of Christian forgiveness, Eve.
[Laughs]
Ted.
Breakfast will be served
at 10:00.
Don't leave me down here, Ted!
Unless I happen
to oversleep, Eve.
Don't leave me down here, Ted.
Had a wife
and couldn't keep her.
Ted!
Kept her in a pumpkin shell,
and there he kept her very well.
Ted!
Te-e-e-e-e-e-d!
[Woman over TV]
May, my birthday.
What are you talking about,
"a small step back"?
Do you know my family
and everything
is involved in this,
and your family too?
(Man) Yes, both our
families, and it's not...
(Woman) No, no, no.
(Man) I'm not trying...
(Woman)
What are you trying to say?
Are we getting married, or are
you trying to back out on me again?
What's going on? Don't play.
Don't try to leave me hanging.
What are you talking about?
Die.
Beep, beep, beeeeep.
[Ted humming reveille]
Am I late?
What is it?
It's a balanced meal bundled up
in a crispy cover.
It's frozen. Oh, yeah?
Then how come I got first-degree
burns bringing it down here?
I need something to drink
besides rusty tap water.
I'll get you a glass
of gatorade, okay?
Replace your lost electrolytes.
I haven't lost my electrolytes.
Lost everything but.
Oh, wallow, why don't you?
Eve.
It may not be freshly cooked,
but it'll fill your tummy-tum.
[Knock at door]
Yeah?
You're Ted Robbins.
Right. You?
I'm... was the detective
on your missing persons case.
Mmm.
I guess they
didn't tell you then.
It's now a found persons case.
I got a copy of the form
in here somewhere,
says the matter's been resolved.
Listen, I, uh,
had a fight with my wife.
You know, and then I walked out.
I explained this
to your replacement.
Anyway, if, uh,
if Eve reported me missing,
it's just a woman's pride
talking. You know how it is.
So you came back when?
A month or so ago.
And you've reconciled?
Well...
Could I talk to Eve,
to your wife?
If that isn't too much
of an intrusion.
Oh, not at all.
Except she's off right now.
She's out of town.
As you can see.
The place needs
a little bit of straightening.
So who should I tell her
came by?
Cary.
Just say Cary.
That with a "e-y" at the end?
Just a "y."
So, uh,
who is Eve visiting?
Her mother.
Right.
Some friggin' detective.
Her mother's dead.
[Phone ringing]
(Ted) Eve.
Evie.
[Ringing continues]
It's chow time.
Bored with the same old dish?
Yes?
So maybe now you see
my point of view.
No one wants oatmeal
every morning, right?
Despite the well-documented
health benefits of oatmeal.
So it's...
I need decent food.
[Bowl shatters]
Eve, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
You make me feel like some ogre.
Milk.
Milk of human kindness.
Damn, it's hard keeping another
creature alive, isn't it?
It is, isn't it?
Finish.
Are you going out?
Yeah.
Finally.
Got a little stir crazy,
you know, watching over you.
I won't be back late,
though, okay?
You want me
to pick you up anything?
No?
New edition of vogue?
Fall fashions.
[Rock music]
♪ ♪
(Man) ♪ can't run, can't hide. ♪
♪ You can't run tonight. ♪
♪ Can't run, can't hide. ♪
♪ Can't run. ♪ ♪
Hey.
Hey, yourself.
I spotted you in here
about six months ago,
and then... and then you just
stopped coming. How come?
Scotch rocks, barkeep. It's
actually a long and amazing story.
It's just a little bit too loud
and crowded in here to tell you.
Oh, well, now you got me going.
Well, girl,
I'm just getting started.
[Man over TV] Hi, there.
I'm here to fix your computer.
What?
Well, my computer's working
just fine.
(Man) Well, I just got a
message that your drive was down
and that you needed more ram.
Actually it's my sex drive
that's been down.
Well, then I guess
you do need more ram.
Lots more.
(Woman) Let's see what
kind of equipment you brought.
My equipment's...
What'd you do that for?
Because it's the height
of ridiculous
to watch other people hump.
Besides, you still haven't told
me the big story.
You'll never believe it.
Ready for another one yet?
No, and if you don't lay off,
Mark my words, guy,
you're gonna be Mr. Limpet.
Oh, excuse me, young lady.
It's not always about sex,
you know.
Sometimes it's about...
Just getting out of the house.
Um, um,
that... that weird thing on your...
Not there.
On your... on your left ankle.
That's, uh,
that's where my wedding band
used to be.
Aw, you drunk son of a bitch.
Nobody wears a wedding band
around their ankle.
That's where you're wrong.
See, I have a...
Unusual marriage.
Unusual how?
Unusual...
In that I love my wife.
[Laughs]
All right.
That's why you're, uh,
sacked up here in this
hot sheet motel room with me.
Right.
We love our wives
because they trust US,
and they believe in US,
and so our hearts
go out to them,
and we deceive them.
But if we deserved their trust,
our hearts
wouldn't go out to them.
We'd hate them instead.
Now, you have
to understand something.
The girl you marry,
like, overnight
becomes your mother, you know?
Another woman
keeping an eye on you,
a woman you got to escape from.
You're not listening.
Who else is going
to look after you, you know,
when your butt sags
and your hair falls out?
And everything gets stiff,
everything except the thing
that's supposed to.
Who, but your mother?
So go home to her.
I'm going.
I'm going.
No hard feelings.
As it were.
Good night, Mr. Limpet!
I must feed Eve.
[Tires screech]
It's for my wife.
You sure you're up to driving?
I'm driving home.
Got to get home.
To her.
Who needs another woman?
My wife is every woman.
Who needs another woman?
My wife is every woman.
Who needs another...
Damn it.
Yes.
[Breathing heavily]
[Tires screech]
[Ominous music]
[Siren wailing]
[Knock at door]
(Man) Mrs. Robbins?
It's the police.
[Child laughing]
Wait up!
[Pounding on door]
Eve, are you in there?
[Glass shattering]
Eve?
Eve.
[Echoing] As you can see.
[Door rumbling]
Eve?
Eve.
Hello, Cary Grant.
Oh, my god. Eve.
Eve, where's the key?
Upstairs, under my pillow.
Okay, good, I'll be right back.
That pathological excuse
for a husband of yours.
He's dead, isn't he?
In a drunken car wreck.
I'm sorry.
Don't be. When he didn't
bring me my frozen lunch,
I knew.
That bastard left you here
to starve to death.
I had a glass of milk.
I've been living on that.
Sip by sip.
For... how long has it been?
A day and a half.
Look, I'm going
to fix you something,
something to eat, nutritious.
No, not yet.
I've been waiting, Cary.
I knew you would come.
I knew I would too.
Maybe from the moment
that I saw you
walk into the police station.
Wait.
I phoned you a few times
after I'd left the force,
but you didn't call back.
I couldn't, Cary.
I know, I know now,
but when I saw
that Ted was back,
I figured that you'd,
you know, forgiven him,
and... I don't know.
You're here.
That's what matters.
You are so lovely.
Not nearly so lovely as you.
All right, now I am going
to make you some lunch.
I won't be too long.
Just wait here and rest, okay?
[Chains clinking]
[Suspenseful music]
Eve, you... you did this to me?
Eve, I think
I'm in love with you.
I think i'm
in love with you too.
And I will take
such good care of you, Cary.
Our life together
will be deeper,
more fulfilling than disc golf.
I guarantee.
Even at grand master level.
I don't... I don't understand.
Oh, but I do.
It's best this way.
This way,
you'll never betray me.
I know you don't want to now,
but if you were free to,
you would.
Sooner or later, you would,
because you can't help yourself,
because you're a man.
But I won't.
I won't!
All right, my love for you
is... is... is pure.
Our love will never be tainted.
It will always be pure,
and best of all,
every night,
I will know where you are.
What wife can say the same?
Someone... someone will come...
Come... come... come...
Looking for me.
I guess they could,
but I don't think so, Cary.
I think you're all mine.
Eve.
Eve?
Eve!
Eve!
Eve!
[Dreamy music]
♪ ♪
(Woman) ♪ I couldn't aspire ♪
♪ to anything higher ♪
♪ than filled with desire, ♪
♪ to make you my own. ♪
♪ Bup-bum,
butle-doodle-dum-bum. ♪
♪ I wanna be loved by you, ♪
♪ just you,
nobody else but you. ♪
♪ I wanna be loved by you. ♪
♪ A-lup-a-dup-a-dup-a-dup, ♪
♪ boop-boop-a-doop. ♪ ♪
Captioning provided by
usa networks.