Hitch (2005) - full transcript

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Basic principles:



No woman wakes up saying:

"God, I hope I don't get swept off my feet today."

Now, she might say...

"This is a really bad time for me."

Or... something like...

"I just need some space."

Or, my personal favorite:

"I'm really into my career right now."

You believe that?

Neither does she.

You know why?

Because she's lyin' to you.
That's why.

You understand me? Lyin'.

It's not a bad time for 'er.

She doesn't need any space.

And she may be into her career,

but what she's really saying is, uh, "Get away from me now."

Or, possibly, "Try harder, stupid."

Well, which one is it?

60% of all human communication is nonverbal.

Body language.

30% is your tone.

So that means that 90% of what you're sayin'...

ain't comin' outta your mouth.

Toby! Toby!

Shit!

Of course she's gonna lie to you.

She's a nice person, she doesn't wanna hurt your feelings...

What else she gonna say?

She doesn't even know you.

Yet.

Luckily, the fact is that, just like the rest of us,

even a beautiful woman doesn't know what she wants until she sees it.

And that's where I come in.

My job... is to open her eyes.

Toby!

Oh, my God!

Is this what you're looking for?

Basic principles: No matter what, no matter when, no matter who...

any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet.

Just needs the right broom.

You cannot use what you do not have.

So, if you're shy, be shy.

If you're outgoing, be outgoing.

- I'm not outgoing.
- That's okay.

Now, she may not want the whole truth, but she does want the real you.

She may not wanna see it all at once, but she does want to see it.

So, tonight, when you're wondering what to say,

or... how you look, or whether or not she likes you,

just remember, she is already out with you.

That means... she said yes when she could've said no.

That means she made a plan, when she could've just blown you off.

So, that means it is no longer your job to try to make her like you.

It is your job not to mess it up.

Huh?!

Huh?

Huh?

Shoes are hot.

You went to the place I told you, right?

Yeah, but... I don't... I don't think they're really me.

"You"... is a very fluid concept right now.

You bought the shoes.

You look great in the shoes.

That's the you that I'm talking about.

Now, the key tonight is hang back.

Give 'er plenty o' space.

If she lingers at a photograph, move on.

But maintain the visual.

All right, now.

It's supposed to be 64 and clear tonight.

So when you leave the club, walk a little.

Ask her what she thought about the show,

what was her favorite photograph, why that one.

And when she answers, don't be looking at her mouth.

Don't be wondering what she looks like naked.

Listen to what she is saying and respond.

Listen and respond... Listen and respond...

That way, when it's your turn to talk,

you'll have something better to say than "I like your mouth."

What was your favorite one?

The, uh, elephant, definitely, yeah.

And all of a sudden, we're on date number two.

Ready.

No way.

We're going back in there.

You have to smile.

In case you didn't go to high school, hitting is a good thing.

So, how does it happen...
great love?

Are you okay?

- Nobody knows.
- I'm good.

Uh, let me get a Bomb Pop and a Screwball for the lady.

But what I can tell you is that it happens in the blink of an eye.

One moment, you're enjoying your life.

And the next, you wondering how you ever lived without them.

Three dates is all I need.

Three dates and I'll get you here, to the high-stakes medal round...

where eight out of 10 women believe that the first kiss

will tell them everything they need to know about the relationship.

After that... you're on your own.

But always remember...

life is not the amount of breaths you take.

It's the moments that take your breath away.

Did I call it or did I call it?

I mean, what did I say, six months?

And when was her first date?

So, five and a half?

God, I hate it when I'm right.

I mean, what is it about guys that makes 'em wanna screw anything that walks,

even when they're going out with someone as awesome as Allegra Cole?

I mean, she's only the single most fabulous thing walking around New York.

Thanks, Young.

Are you kidding?

Of course I'm gonna run it.

Why should she waste her heart on some Swedish aristo-brat?

Even if he is... gorgeous.

Hey, if he's stupid enough to cheat,

then the world should know he's dumb enough to get caught.

Exactly. I'm in the elevator.

I'll see you in a minute.

Good morning. How are you?

Bitter, party of one.

Hey, you should try it sometime.

Barbados by myself?

I wouldn't last five minutes.

It was just what the doctor ordered.

I slept in, I did my yoga, I read a couple of books,

I flirted with my scuba instructor....

And apparently never left the office.

I know, isn't that great?

You should've taken someone with you.

Who?
Who am I gonna take with me?

This is where a boyfriend comes in handy.

I don't have time for a boyfriend.

You said that two years ago.

Yes, and it's as true today as it was then.

- Hey!
- Hey.

I thought you were on vacation.

See if these are in focus, will you, and have them in my desk in an hour?

Cool.

Besides, relationships are for people...

that are just waiting for something better to come along.

Ah, spoken like a true cynic.

I'm not a cynic.

I'm a realist.

You are a realist masquerading as a cynic who is secretly an optimist.

What are you doing here?

What is she doing here?

She works here, remember?

No, she doesn't.

Not for another four days.

Well, this couldn't wait.

Oh, course it could.

What are you doing?
Go back to the beach.

I don't want you here.

Oh, no, really, you do.

You are becoming a-a sick, workaholic lunatic

and this is exactly...

the kind of nervous, overwrought behavior that leads to...

Pictures of Sebby with a busty brunette.

A very, very big raise.

Jesus! You could find dirt in a snowstorm.

Comes with the job.

You know, kiddo, there is more to life than watching other people live it.

Can I help he was cheating on my beach?

Hey, I think that it's great that you're so good at your job.

I'm just a little worried as to why.

Let me worry about that.

Okay. I want that column on my desk by lunch.

Does that mean you're gonna pay for my hotel?

For you to sip mai tais?

I don't think so. Get out.

- Oh, come on!
- What?

- That's good, right?
- No.

No, it was in and it freaked out.

You know what your problem is, Hitch?

You're all about the short game.

You pick your shots based on what you see first...

not what's, uh, necessarily best for you...

in the long run.

Well... All of us are not married to the woman
of our dreams and about to have a baby.

You know, I'm very happy for you.

Just not meant for everybody.

So, please, just leave me to my hot, sweaty,

totally varied, wildly experimental short game.

I was just talking about pool, but, you know, whatever.

Yeah, okay.

Honestly, I just hope one day you're able to experience

the unconditional love, and the trust, and the openness that...

you know, I share with Grace every single day.

Is-is this really barroom talk?

No, you need to listen to me, man.

I'm serious.

Because when you... get to a place with a woman like that,

it's so beyond anything physical...

that when I think back to when I used to run around with you

and chase all these really gorgeous but, you know, shallow women and...

I don't know, it's...
it's kind of ridiculous and vaguely... pathetic.

Yeah, I see what you mean.

That's pathetic.

- That... that's pathetic.
- Uh-huh.

So, how'd you meet 'im?

I was in La Perla, you know, just buying some weekend thongs.

- And he was doing likewise?
- No.

Well, yeah.
Actually, he said he was buying somethin' for his mom.

- His mom?
- Mm-hm.

Casey, who buys high-priced lingerie for their mother?

Oh, well, maybe
he was looking for a robe.

Casey...
Casey, he was hitting on you while he was buying lingerie for another woman.

Well... I prefer the mother story.

I know you prefer, but that's not the point.

No, the point is I'm not gonna start out assuming the guy's a liar.

- Why not?
- Because that's how you wind up...

Like me?
Is that what you were gonna say?

No. I was gonna say "Like you."

- What's his name?
- Why?

I'm gonna Google 'im.

No. Google your own guy.

Let's just see if his mother's still alive.

- So when is Grace due again?
- Soon.

- You excited?
- What'd you say?

Do you want me to go get them and bring them over here?

No. No, no, no, no, don't-don't-don't do that.

Whoa!
Are you saying you don't wanna talk to them

because you can't go home with 'em?

Hey, what do you want from me?

I'm just trying to keep my head above water.

Hey, did you ever hear of this guy they call the Date Doctor?

Urban myth.

- Really?
- Absolutely.

I was kinda hoping he also helped women.

Casey, you're not sick.
You're single.

You just have to relax and enjoy the ride.

I haven't been ridden in months.

On that happy note, I'm gonna go see if anybody interesting came in tonight.

- Oh, you mean, besides me.
- Right.

Bye.

I'm gonna go get those girls, I'm gonna bring them over here

and we're gonna have a conversation like human beings.

Then you're gonna home, and I'm gonna take 'em back to my apartment.

Well, that sounds like fun for me.

But, you know, you might wanna get in line, pal.

- Hey, girl. Hey.
- Hey, how are you?

Hey, uh, baby, can I get a couple Coronas over at the pool table, please?

Thanks.

Excuse me.

- Excuse me.
- Lime wedges in the bottle's fine.

Hey, asshole, I don't work here.

Wow.
Oh... I'm sorry.

You, um... The paramedics are gonna have

to come to get my foot outta my mouth, sweetheart.

Just don't let it happen again.

- I knew you didn't work here.
- You did?

Well, how else was I supposed to get you away from all those guys?

Why would you wanna do that?

Some guys naturally develop a comfort with the opposite sex.

They like women, women like them.

Everything flows naturally.

Back in college, I was just not one of 'em.

I seemed to lack the basic understanding

that my peers just intuitively grasped.

But like any late bloomer, I was eager to make up for lost time.

Her name... was Cressida Baylor.

Can you tell me
where the registration building is?

Yeah.

And my life would never be the same.

- I'm Alex.
- Cressida.

What we had was beautiful.

I love you.

I love... I love so much.

I-I love you, too, Alex.

I know you don't love me as much as I love you.

I mean, but that's okay.

I... I'm just glad you love me at all.

In retrospect, I guess I may have come on a little strong.

But the experience taught me a lot.

Cressida!

What are you doin'?

I'm-I'm sorry, Alex.

But I love you.
I love you.

What just... What did I do wrong?

Just tell me what I did wrong.

Dude, you're doin' it right now.

Cressida!

Alex, I'm sorry.

And it's an education I feel obliged to pass on to my fellow men.

Because with no guile and no game, there's no girl.

And if ever there was a man born without game,

it was Albert Brennaman.

My business is 100% referral and, thus far, untraceable.

And if there's one thing I've learned

when you orchestrate, coordinate, and otherwise mess with fate...

it's best to fly under the radar.

I hope she's single cause I don't do break-ups.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Thank you for seeing me.

Uh, yeah, no. I mean, uh, she just got out of a relationship.

Is that a problem?

Because... if it is, that's fine. I'm...

I'm a little uncomfortable with this anyway, you know what I mean.

Definitely... been hurt a lot.

You know, I had a lot o' bad experiences.

Some good ones.
You know?

But definitely a lot of bad ones and, uh...

I'm desperate.
Basically.

I mean, not in general, you understand?

You know, not just for anybody.

But, man, for her... Yeah.

I.. I... yeah.
Yeah.

Why don't you tell me about 'er?

Oh, well, let's see, what can I say?

My company handles her finances.

I'm her tax consultant.

Well, I'm one of 'em.

I'm the junior man on the account.

So, does she know you're interested?

Oh, no, no, no.

No.

Alive?

I lent her my pen once.

Shoot. Does anyone have a pen?

Here, take mine.

Albert, you're crushing my arm.

Sorry about that.

Here you go, Allegra.

Allegra? As in Allegra Cole?

Yeah, you know, I realize that I'm not her usual type.

Well, her last boyfriend like owned Sweden or something.

And that guy was a bum. I-I...

He just... he didn't seem like a very nice person to me.

You swing for the fence.

Hey, look, look, look, look, look.

You don't think I tried talking myself out of this?

I mean, you don't think I know how ridiculous this is?

I-I know, okay?

I just thought that maybe, uh, with your... help I just...

You know what?

I'm really sorry I... wasted your time.

Hold on a second, Albert.

You know what it's like... getting up every morning, feeling hopeless?

Feeling like the love o' your life is waking up with the wrong man?

But at the same time, hoping that... she still finds happiness...

even if it's never gonna be with you?

You... are flat-out...

out o' your mind.

You know that?

Yeah.

- That's good.
- It is?

You ever heard of Michelangelo?

- Yeah.
- Heard of the Sistine Chapel?

Yeah...

Michelangelo.

Sistine Chapel.

You saying you can do this?

My name is Alex Hitchens.

Let's go paint that ceiling.

Take it easy.

Oh, my God!

Oh, God!

Well, it looks like I'm still rich.

But what I would really like, and what I was wondering... is...

if I could have 500,000 dollars...
to invest on my own.

Oh... And what were you thinking of investing in, Allegra?

Well, it's... something that I really have a passion for.

Daydreams are for private time.

When you're in the room, be in the room.

Concentrate. Focus.

Women respond when you respond to them.

My friend Maggie is a really talented designer.

I've seen the business plan and the samples look fantastic.

And I would really... really like to get involved.

I'll tell you what.

Let us come up with a range of investments
that we think you might be interested in...

and next month, we'll run the whole lot of them by you. Hm?

- Okay.
- Fine. Thank you.

All right, gentlemen.

Let's go over this one more time.

What is the objective?

Shock and awe.

That was shockingly awful.

What is the objective?

Shock and awe.

What is the objective?!

- Excuse me, sir.
- Yes, Albert?

Yes... Albert?

I don't, uh-uh,
really agree... with that. Um...

You don't really agree with what?

I think if you wanna invest half a million dollars in your friend's business...

- that's exactly what you should do.
- Albert!

No... You-you don't need us to tell you what to do.

We're a board of advisors, we're not your kindergarten teachers.

If you wanna be taken seriously as an adult...

I suggest you start taking yourself seriously as an adult

instead... of asking for permission to invest your own money

from a boardroom full of your... daddy's golf buddies.

That's quite enough!

You know, I'm not finished.

I mean, I'd like to see anybody in this
room handle the attention and publicity...

that she's had to deal with her whole life, with half her class.

We should be taking advice from you, Miss Cole.

Not the other way around.

Sit down, mister...

No! You know what? I quit!

Oh, my God!

Just breathe. Just breathe.
How'd it go?

I yelled at her.

I screamed at my boss!

I quit my job!

- What?!
- You said...

I gotta go back.

No, I didn't tell you to quit.

Relax. Okay, listen, we're fine, we're fine.
Okay?

- Would you let me go?
- Albert, no, no!

Just relax! Okay?

- Just let it marinate for a second. Trust me.
- No!

Relax. Relax.

- It's Allegra Cole.
- Answer it.

Could I speak to you a second?

Answer the door, Albert.

Yes. Hi.

What's up?

Listen... Albert, right?

People... don't usually talk to me like that.
Okay?

Close your mouth, man.

Let me... rephrase that.

People never talk to me like that.

- Stand up.
- Mm-hm.

I guess it's kind of scary for them.

But that's why I really appreciate what you did in there.

But I was wondering, um...

do you think that you and I could... get together sometime this week?

You know, to go over things...

Financial things.

You see, I'd-I'd like to see the areas
where I can afford to take some risks.

- Check your schedule.
- Let me check my schedule.

Great. Let me give you my number.

Do you have a pen?

I don't... think I have one.

- Yes, I do.
- Great.

And... call me Allegra.

- You're done.
- Goodbye.

Good job.

Albert... Oh, damn.

She's some kinda newspaper columnist.

Comes in here once in a while. Great tipper.

What's 'er drink?

Usually beer.

Tonight, Grey Goose martini, dirty.

Hi.

I noticed your glass was getting a little low,

so I took the liberty of bringing you another apple martini.

Thank you.

And I couldn't help but notice you look a lot like my next girlfriend.

What's your name?

They call me Chip.

Ah, you can't get 'em to stop?

That was funny.

Listen, Chip, I-I understand the courage it takes to walk across a room

and try to generate a relationship outta thin air.

So, don't take the following personally.

You have fantastic eyes.

Thanks. Try to listen.

A'ight.... This is no reflection on you.

I'm just not interested.

But thank you for the compliment of coming over.

You welcome.
So, do you like Cuban food?

Chip, seriously, that was not code for...

"I wish you'd try harder".

Are you always so shut-down..
and afraid that the right man might make you...

Feel like a natural woman?

Sorry I'm late, honey.

I couldn't get a cab.

Uh, how was the meeting?

Ooh, well, there was a-a beginning, a middle, and an end.

Nice to meet you, Chip.

You, too.

Now, on the one hand, it is very difficult for a man

to even speak to someone who looks like you.

But, on the other hand, should that be your problem?

So, life's kinda hard all around.

No, not if you pay attention.

I mean, you're sendin' all the right signals:

no earrings, heels under two inches, your hair is pulled back,

you're wearing reading glasses with no book, drinking a Grey Goose martini,

which means you had a hell of a week and a beer just wouldn't do it.

And if that wasn't clear enough,

there's always the "fuck off" that you have stamped on your forehead.

Because who's gonna believe that there's a man out there

that can sit beside a woman he doesn't know

and genuinely be interested in who she is,
what she does, without his own agenda?

Yeah. I wouldn't even know what that would look like.

So, what would a guy like that say?

Well, he'd say "My name is Alex Hitchens and I'm a consultant."

But she wouldn't be interested in that

cause she'd probably be just counting the seconds until he left.

Thinking he was like every other guy.

Which, life experience has taught 'er, is a virtual certainty.

But then he'd ask her name and what she did for a living

and she might blow 'im off.

Or she might say...

"I'm Sara Melas.

I run the gossip column at the Standard."

And then he'd ask all these penetrating questions about her,

because he was sincerely, if atypically, interested.

No.

- No?
- He'd be interested.

But... he'd see that there was no way

he could possibly make her realize that he was for real.

Well, he could be funny and charming and refreshingly original.

Wouldn't help.

- Don't you hate it when that happens?
- Not really.

They'd both probably go on to lead the lives they were headed toward and...

My guess is... they'd do just fine.

It's a pleasure to have met you, Sara Melas.

Grey Goose martini from the gentleman who just left.

Is that for me?

What?

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Vance Munson.
Sorry I'm late.

Oh, no. Uh, not a problem.

Wow, you're-you're the...

Can I get you something to drink, Mr...

Uh, no, no, I'm-I'm fine, thank you.

So, tell me about 'er.

Have you ever met someone...

and you knew right away she was gonna be important to you?

Not just because of her looks, but, you know, that X factor...

How'd you meet 'er?

Uh, actually, I was in a shop buying pyjamas for my mom.

And by that, of course, you mean...

you were buying lingerie for another woman.

Yes. You can't help where you meet somebody.

And the... the lingerie is for a woman I'm no longer seeing, so...

But anyway, the girl I met, the one I was talking about...

she's so sweet, funny, southern...

She gives me her number.

Now... she won't return my phone calls.

I don't know what it is about her.

I just can't get her outta my mind.

You know, food has lost its taste.

Colors, you know, they seem dull and...

Things that used to matter...

I don't know, they just no longer do.

I think things aren't gonna snap back unless I...

Unless I bang 'er.

Excuse me?

You know, bang 'er.

Clear my head.

Get in, get off, get out.

I think you may have misunderstood what I do exactly.

No, I was told you help guys get in there.

Right. But, see, here's the thing.

My clients actually like women.

Uh, yeah, hit-hit it and quit it is-is not my thing.

Let me make one thing clear to you, rabbi.

I need professional help.

Well, that is for damn certain.

And I'm glad you can admit it because generally that's the hardest part.

You see what I'm doin'?

This is what I'm about.

Power suit, power tie, power steering.

People can wince, cry, beg, but eventually they do what I want.

Oh... So, that's, like, a metaphor.

Oh, yeah.

Right. Well, see, I'm more of a literal kinda guy.

So, when I do this...

this is more like me sayin' that I will literally break your shit off

if you ever touch me again.
Okay, pumpkin?

Got it.

No. No!

Pablo, I can't just mention your restaurant.

Somebody has to eat there.

No, somebody famous. You know that.

- Sara Melas?
- No, no, no, no, no.

Okay. Bye.

I need your signature.

I... hate it when a guy calls a girl who did not give him her number.

So, this is me not calling. Over.

Yes, you're right.

This is much less invasive.

Listen, I've been thinkin' about that sign on your forehead.

And I was wondering if you'd mind taking it down for dinner Friday night. Over.

Ooh, I can't. I have a couple parties I have to hit.

Uh, gossip never sleeps.

Not till about 4:00 a.m.

Saturday.

I, um, I have a date.

Do you know the definition of "perseverance", Miss Melas?

An excuse to be obnoxious?

Continuing in a course of action

without regard to discouragement, opposition or previous failure. Over.

Okay, Webster, how do I get rid o' you?

Breakfast, Sunday.
And you can barely even call that a date.

You do that with out-of-town relatives that you don't even like. Over.

Come on.

Okay, I guess I could do Sunday.

You forgot to say "over". Over.

This conversation's over as soon as you tell me when and where.

7:00 a.m., North Cove Marina.

Over and out.

7:00 a.m.? Are you crazy?

I-I-I don't do 7:00 a.m.

- Hello?
- Sign here.

- What?
- You said Sunday, right?

Yeah.

What if I would have said Friday?

Sunday?

So, I guess you're not going to church.

Do you really expect me to wear this?

It'll be awful cold out there without it.

Good morning.

"Good" would have been at 10:00.

You're a lot taller than I remember.

You ever ride one o' these?

Not on the Hudson.

So, what do you wanna do?

Race me around the Statue of Liberty?

If there's time.

- But you might need these.
- All right.

- Bam.
- Wow.

How do I look?

Fabulous.

All right, I give.

Where do I change?

So, we'll go out past the wall, take a left...

It is pretty much a straight shot from there.

Straight shot to where?

That's for me to know and you to find out.

So, look, what you do with these babies is...

Yeah, what I do with this baby is kick your ass.

What happened?

You change your mind?

It just died.

Did you put gas in it?

Yeah, no.
Um, you know, I think it must have sucked up a diaper or somethin'.

Gross. Try it again.

You want me to call AAA?

Come on around and let me hop over too.

I don't know.

What if you break mine, too?

Then we'll both be sitting ducks.

- I didn't break it. It just died.
- Yeah, yeah.

All right, hop on.

Uh, scoot back.

Hitch, I'm already here.

Oh, yeah, but you don't know where we're goin'.

Well, why don't you tell me?

And then we'll both know.

Sara...

Man, male egos.

I don't know how you guys make it through the day with them.

What? It is not my ego.

I just... I don't wanna ruin the surprise.

Sara! Sara!

I'm sorry. Are you all right?

There. I always keep a few of those around.

Thank you.

I have lower back trouble.

I just shove the ice packs right down there.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
That's a fresh one.

So, Ellis Island.

I have to admit,
I have lived in New York my whole life and I've never been here.

Yeah, I figured that.

Most people haven't.

So I got my man Larry here to set us up a private tour.

- Oh, great!
- Anything for Hitch.

It was originally known as Oyster Island.

The island was expanded to its present size

with dirt removed during the construction of the New York subway system.

- Are you serious?
- Yes.

Did you know this?

Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's-that's why I brought you here.

In fact, over 100 million Americans can trace their ancestry

back to a single man, woman, or child on the ship's manifest...

to an inspector's ledger.

By 1910, 75% of the residents of New York,

Chicago, Detroit, Cleveland, and Boston

were immigrants, or the children of immigrants.

They generally lived in the poorest sections of the cities,

in Little Italys, Chinatowns and other ethnic enclaves.

It's called "The Kissing Post".

The plaque explains how different cultures kiss after long absences.

Now, what exactly would qualify as a long absence?

I mean...

- That count?
- No.

I, uh... I actually had... a relative come through here.

- Really?
- Yeah.

What?

- What?
- What... was that thing?

No, uh... You know, I was just thinkin' that, uh...

you can't really know where you're goin' until you know where you been.

- Ain't that right, Larry?
- Amen, brother.

Kinda deep for a first date, don't you think?

What is that?

Oh, my God!

That's my great-great-grandfather.

That... that's his signature. I... I mean...

Jesus, it's right here!

How did you... how did you know?

Hitch did the search.

I just found the page.

I'm sorry.

I saw that... goin' differently in my mind.

So, my family never saw 'im again.

Well, except for on the Wanted posters.

Look, I'm... I'm really sorry.

When I saw it on the computer, it said "the Butcher of Cadiz".

You know, what, uh...

I tho-I thought it was a profession...
not a... headline.

It's just one o' those horrible family legacies we've all tried to forget.

But thank you.
No, it was...

- A train wreck. Yeah.
- No.

Let me get you a cab.

Thanks.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

Taxi!

Poor guy.
Sounds like he went through a lot o' trouble.

It was fun. In a disastrous kinda way.

I mean, this isn't exactly a hickey.

At least you got a good story out of it, right?

Right?

You should try mine, it's great.

Wait, wait. You're seeing him again?

Well, look. You said that I'm always expecting men

- to... let me down, right?
- Yeah.

Assuming that they're gonna fail?

Which he did.

Yeah, but he did it with flair.

I mean, Case, he really tanked.

And that's a desirable trait?

Yeah. Weird, huh?

Now, just... keep it simple.

Just like we practiced.

We're just leavin' a message, okay?

Women like Allegra Cole don't pick up numbers they don't recognize.

Hello?

She's on the phone!

- Uh, yes. Hello. Miss Cole?
- Yeah.

Hi, I have Albert Brennaman for you.

One moment, please.

No. Te-tell her I'm at lunch.

We called her to tell her you're at lunch?

Allegra.
Hi, it's, uh, Al-bert Brennaman.

Hi, how are you?

Good. Good. I'm doing good.

The reason I'm calling is, uh, about our appointment this Wednesday.

Not gonna be able to make it.

Oh! Uh... well, when can you make it?

Uh, when can I do it?

Uhh...

I don't even know, cause my whole next week is slammed.

Right. But it's all good.
Yeah.

It's all good.

Uh-huh... No, we're gonna make it happen though, that's for sure.

We're gonna make it happen. Yes.

Are y... What's goin' on over there?

Just moving some things around.

Sky Studios.

Look, tonight I'm actually going to this fashion thing at Sky Studios.

- Designer friend....
- Yeah.

I just thought it might be something your...

designer friend Maggie would be interested in.

Yeah, definitely.

Well, great. Great.

Well, then I will put you back on with my assist...

Allegra, over here, please.

Miss Cole, this way.

Great. One more.

Hi, there.

This was a fantastic idea.

I suppose.
Hey, where's Maggie?

Late as usual.

Tonight, I want you to meditate on the image of an iceberg.

Do you know why I want you to do that?

Because I'm cool?

- No.
- I know, I'm not. I...

Uh... I'm sayin' that you are an iceberg

in that over 90% of your mass is below the surface.

I know I'm heavy. I am.

No, uh-uh... I'm talkin' about who you are. It-it's a metaphor.

Accounting, business,

all of that is just... a small part of a much deeper, richer Albert.

One more.

Okay.

I know, it's gonna be loud in there,

so this is our opportunity to break the touch barrier

in a non-sleazy way.

So, get to where it's loudest.

Ask her if she'd like a drink.

Lean in, place your hand on the small of her back

and say it in her ear like a secret.

Watch your hand placement.

Too high says "I just wanna be friends."

Too low says "I just wanna grab some ass."

Friends.

Ass. Me.

Special issues: Allegra Cole is a celebrity,

which means that when people talk to her, they'll ignore you completely.

You know?
She's classy, so she'll introduce you.

When she does, shake hands hard and speak up.

Let them know that you're there.

Show her you can handle being her escort.

Egon, this is Albert.

How you doin'?

Albert, this is Zak.

Nice to see you.

- These guys are friends with Maggie.
- Oh!...

Have you been to that new Brazilian restaurant?

No, but I am looking...

It's disgusting.

I'm writing an article about it.

And... did you see the new installation at MOMA?

- Yes. Did you think...
- Disgusting. Disgusting.

Uh, women can always tell when you're not being real with them.

Worst thing you can do is try to fake it, because you are a great guy.

And you do have something to offer Allegra that no other man does.

What was your name?
Eggnog?

Egon.

What do you think of the design of the Jets'
new football stadium on the West Side?

- Uhh..
- Lemme guess. Disgusting?

Think it over. We'll be back.

Thank you.

I can't stand those guys.

Really? I kinda liked them.

But, when all is said and done...

tonight... is not about Allegra.

- It's not?
- No. Tonight is about Maggie.

A woman's best friend has to sign off on all big relationship decisions.

So you can't afford to mess this up.

Albert, I want you to meet my friend, Maggie.

Hi, Maggie.

- It's an absolute pleasure to meet you.
- I'm... Maggie.

No, you're not.

Yeah, actually... I am.

Magnus Forester.

Thank you so much for inviting us.

- You have very soft hands.
- Thank you.

- Wow. So do you.
- Thank you.

So, tonight, you focus on one thing and one thing only.

Maggie.

- Where does your... inspiration come from?
- Oh, my God.

Anything I see.

Something in a magazine...

out on the street...

in an old movie...

The receptive nature of the creative facility just astounds me.

Ooh. Anybody want any spring rolls?

That's a beautiful tie, by the way.

I mean, this whole thing, it just works.

Thank you.

- Is he gay?
- I don't think so.

I like 'im.

Now, 'bout the DJ.

Um, generally, I have a firm no-dancing policy.

But... if she asks, you cannot say no.

That's the one thing I'm not worried about.

But if there are people there and...

I'm sorry... I hate to be a stickler,

but, you kn... I... need to be thorough.
Mm, um...

Show me what you mean by you're not worried about it.

Trust me. You know...

That's what it's all about, right there.

See how it gets bigger?

Now I'm gonna start the fire.

But the feet are goin'.

I start the fire, I make the pizza.

Hips are always goin'.

Can't get enough hip.

From there... the Q-Tip.

Q-Tip. Q-Tip. Throw it away.

That's not workin', hit 'em with this.

Don't... ever...
do that again.

Do you hear me?

- Just expressing myself.
- No.

No. Mm-mm.
Not like that, you're not.

All right?

This is where you live.

Right here.

You live right here. Okay?

This is home.

None o' this.

I don't wanna see none o' that.

Don't need no pizza.

They got food there.

Elbows, 6 inches from the waist, 90-degree angles.

Don't-don't you bite your lip.
Stop it.

Okay? Women relate dancing to sex.
All right?

Even a great dancer can lose it with one o' these.

Okay, see, now that's what I need to be learnin'.

Can't stop it.

You cannot stop it.

Next subject.

Get out.

Thanks.

So... you're a Knicks fan?

When they're good.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I'm really sorry.

Oh, God. Why?

She was there?

I left you a bunch o' messages.

My phone fell in the Hudson.

Yeah, well, it gets worse.

I don't believe this.

I thought he was a bodyguard.

Yeah, well, the only one who's gonna need protection around here is me.

- Max is gonna...
- Gonna be really irritated.

You know, when I got the train this morning,
I thought it was gonna be a good day.

Who the hell is Albert Brennaman?

I need you to tell me how this happened.

What? There were some photographers.

Look. Does this even look like dancin' to you?

That's just a little bit o' me...
being me.

No, Albert.
That's, uh, you bein' a lot o' bit o' somethin'

you don't need to ever be again.

- It's just one dance.
- No.

One dance, one look, one kiss.

That's all we get, Albert.

Just one shot to make the difference

between... happily ever after and...

"Oh, he's just some guy I went to some thing with once."

All right?

- What?
- You-you said "kiss".

Is... that a problem?

It's... it's not a problem,

- but, I don't know, this is Allegra Cole.
- Albert...

Eight outta 10 women believe that the first kiss

will tell them everything that they need to know about a relationship.

And believe me, she has definitely thought about it.

- She has?
- Ow, of course.

I mean, not that she's gonna act on it.

So, it's no real big deal.

All right, it's no big deal then.

It's a very big deal, Albert!

- Huge.
- Monumental!

You are not listen...

I need you to wrap your head around this.

Tomorrow night, Allegra Cole...

could have her last... first... kiss.

All right, come on, uh, just show me what you got.

What do you... what do you mean?

Just, uh, show me how you would kiss me.

I wouldn't kiss you.

I'm not me, I'm Allegra.

But you're really not, so...

Okay, Albert, end o' the night, you're droppin' me off at home...

Show me the magic.

Yeah, you know, I'm really not comfortable with this.

God, Albert, I had such a wonderful time with you.

Yeah, how 'bout those Knicks, huh?

Hey... You see what I'm doin'?
All right?

This is a signal. Okay?

I'm fiddlin' with my keys.

All right?
A woman that doesn't want a kiss...

takes her keys out, puts them in the door, goes in the house.

A woman that wants to kiss, she fiddles.

I'm fiddling.

Okay, you have a good night now...

- You see what I'm doin'?
- Robbing me?

No.

See, this is what most guys do.

They rush in to take the kiss.

But you're not most guys.

See, the secret to a kiss...

is to go 90% o' the way...

and then hold.

For how long?

As long as it takes...

for her to come the other 10.

Okay, 90-10. Got it.

Yeah?
Okay, come on.

Shake it off. It's your turn.

I had a really nice time tonight, Albert.

I had a... great time tonight, too, Allegra...

with a beard.

What's up?

- I'm not feelin' it.
- What do you mean? I came 90.

It's just... I'm not feelin' like you want it.

Look, I'm Allegra Cole, the woman of your dreams.

The woman whose green eyes are limpid pools of desire.

Now, show me the magic, Albert.

Show me the magic...

What the hell was that?!

I'm showin' you the magic! I...

No, I said come 90 and then I come 10!

You don't go the whole hundred!

My mouth was open, Albert.

You overeager son of a...

Other than that, how was it?

They came together, they danced together, and they left together.

He's cute, in a sheepdog kind of way.

Hey, for all I know, he's adorable.

But him dating her is...

You seem stressed.

You and I had an understanding.

If you invite Allegra, you're supposed to call me.

Sara, I didn't invite her.

Honestly, sweetie, I thought she was still in Europe.

- So, you invited Albert?
- No.

Look, it says here the tickets went to some guy named...
Alex Hitchens.

What?

Machine.

Hi, it's Sara.

Um... I just wanted to, uh, to say thank you...

for a... an unforgettable experience...

the other day.

And, uh, if you ever wanna see your shirt again,

you can...
you can come by the Fulton Fish Market tonight, around 8 o'clock .

Okay. Bye.

- You think he'll show?
- Yeah.

He's too much of a player to have a bad date on his record.

Is this a, uh, source or... a date?

A source.

Well, it sounded like... a date.

Well, it was supposed to.

So, it-it... it looks like a date and it sounds like a date,

- but... it's not a date.
- Yeah. Right.

Just checkin'.

Hi. I wasn't sure you got my message.

Well, I wasn't sure you called the right guy.

Uh... You must be a glutton for punishment.

Either that or I really wanna pay you back.

I think this is yours.

Thank you. I... I'm gonna frame this for my wall of shame.

Really?
There's a whole wall?

So, what are we gettin' into?

Ever been to a food rave before?

Happens once a month, all around the city.

Different chefs, different venues...

You any good in the kitchen?

Well, I can stand the heat, if that's what you mean.

Good. Cause that's my boss and his wife right over there.

- Interesting.
- Mm-hm.

Well, here's a concept: we're paying to cook our own food.

Here's another concept: Shut up. It's an evening out.

I tell you, the longer you're married, the less you go out.

In a couple of years,
we're gonna end up bricked into our apartment like a Poe story.

So, Louise, are you...
in the newspaper business, also?

Oh, no, I'm a psychiatrist.

Well... Uhh, that's the last thing I'm gonna say tonight.

So, uh, Sara, you never told me.

How was the Sky Studio fashion thing you went to the other night?

Did you... meet anyone worth mentioning?

Uh... no. Mm-mm.

Really? I find that... very odd.

- Max.
- I think you're being odd.

Well, I'm... always odd.

It's... why you married me.

And it's why I married you.

Speaking of which, Hitch, uh,

what exactly are your intentions for the lovely Sara here?

Wait, you know what?

Um, actually, there... there was someone.

Um, I think I met your friends Albert and Allegra.

- My friends who and who?
- Allegra Cole?

Really?
How do you know her?

- Um, I don't.
- Oh, so you know Albert?

Well, uh... knew.

Well, he had your tickets.

I mean... How well do you really know your accountant?

April 15, and then you don't see 'im again... till April 15.

Ladies and gentlemen...

a coquille St. Jacques with a lemon butter reduction...

- Compliments of our chef.
- Thank you.

I'm sure you're really gonna enjoy this.

That's really good.

I'm very impressed.

Why is that?

Well, you know.

Around these two, people usually can't wait to,
uh, name-drop and dish their friends

and you, you are being all discreet.

Yes. It's... it's quite endearing.

Actually, it is.
So, why don't we change the subject?

Whoa! Whoa.
You all right?

Oh, no, yeah.
No, I'm fine.

So, uh, Sara tells me that, uh, you're a consultant, Hitch.

Yeah, uh, mostly marketing, little advertising, brand management...

I have... no idea what that means.

No one does.
That is why I get to charge so much.

Are you-are you sure you're all right?

Uh, yeah, I'm fine. Um...

Hey, is it itchy in here or is it just me?

- Oh, I know what's happening.
- No, no.

You think that I-I'm in a stressful state

because I'm tryin' to make a good impression

while also... dealing with my commitment issues...

tryin' to avoid all these awkward conversations...

No, I-I-I think you have food allergies.

- Oh...
- Oh!

- Wow.
- What?

- Uh, Benadryl? Where's the Benadryl?
- Aisle 2.

Which one's Aisle 2?

The one with the big 2 over it.

Sara, I'm fine.

- You sure it's in Aisle 2?
- No.

Really, it is not that serious.

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A lot.

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What? What? Will you...

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Coquille St. Jacques.

Death on a leaf!

Come on!

Okay, we're doing fine.

Just a couple more blocks and you get to lie down.

Wait, wait, who-who sings that song, again?

Oh, girl.
Earth, Wind & Fire.

Ahh, you should let them sing it.

I bet this would be great on the rocks.
It's good, right?

I bet I can ask you just about anything right now.

No.

I'm a vault, baby.
Locked down.

What is an heiress doing with a CPA?

Oh, they're going to the Knicks game.

Yep, Fort Knox.

Oh, whoa, whoa.

He loves her so much!

I'm sure he does.

I'm tellin'g you, people search their whole lives trying to find the

reasons that we're here.

I wouldn't know.

You would if you saw it.

Well, sometimes it's really hard to see the forest through the sleaze.

What about you?

You ever been in love?

Yep.

But you're never gonna know that.

Okay, okay, I think you've had enough of the juice box.

Let's go.

This is some place.

You live here alone?

Yeah. I actually prefer it that way.

What about you?

I haven't had a roommate since college, and he upped and married my sister.

- Really?
- Yeah, they're gonna have a baby soon.

Oh... Uncle Hitch.

Thank you.

- So, how do you feel?
- Good.

Relaxed.

So, what about you?
Any siblings?

Sister. Maria. Lives in D.C.

Younger, right?

I could hear it in your voice.

Sort of an... innate protective thing.

Yeah, I guess.

What?

She almost died once.

I was 10.

We, um... were skating on the pond behind our house...

and she fell through the ice.

My dad pulled 'er out.

Gave 'er mouth-to-mouth.

Longest three minutes of my life.

Yeah, I'm sure.

I don't think I've ever really gotten over it.

Kind of... defines you, doesn't it?

You know, like, one moment you're gliding along...

next moment you're standin' in the rain watchin' your life fall apart.

Except it was snow.

Yeah. That's what I said, "snow".

You said "rain".

Some kind of precipitation.

Is that what happened to you?

Nothin' as dramatic as fallin' through the ice.

You know, it, uh...

definitely...

Left a scar?

Yeah.

I guess it's best just not to love at all, right?

Or skate.

Hitch?

Are you here?

Sara, you're such an idiot!
You moron!

What the hell did you think?

You're so stupid!
You're so stupid!

You gotta learn, Sara.

When are you gonna learn...

Should I come back later?

Hi. I thought, uh, I thought you left.

Well, yeah, I did, you know, but, uh, but then I came back... with breakfast.

Uh, yeah, I figured it-it was the least that I could do.

Hey, I didn't know what you were drinkin'

so... I got a grande cap, a latte, an Earl Grey tea

and... somethin' with "chai" in the title.

Uh-uh... tea for me.

Tea. Yes!
I was hoping you'd say that.

Oh, God.
You're a morning person, aren't you?

Well, you know, like I, uh, always tell my clients:

Begin each day...
as if it were on purpose.

- Wow. Beautiful day.
- Yeah.

- Beautiful girl...
- Thank you.

Well, I'm... this way.

Oh, I'm... that way.

Gimme a ring... sometime.

I mean, on the phone.

Yeah... No, uh, I definitely will.

Good.

Oh, I gotta go to work.

Okay.

Bye.

Goodbye.

Hey. Can you believe what a beautiful day it is...

not?

What's wrong, pumpkin?

Oh, I'm so stupid.

I ignored your advice.

I went on that date.

With who?

- Not the lingerie guy...
- Vance Munson.

You're right, there's no way he ever had a mother.

Oh, that bad?

He took me to Scalinatella, and he was affectionate and sweet...

He told me all these intimate things, like... how he can't taste food...

and he wants three kids...

So, you slept with 'im.

I never seen anybody get dressed that fast.

Oh, Case, I'm so sorry.

Well, maybe I'll just die alone after all.

No, you won't.

You're gonna meet a great guy with a great smile
and you're gonna travel the world together.

Okay, who are you?

What have you done with my best friend?

It is true.
He just hasn't found you yet.

But he will.

Just as he's leaving, guess what he says: "Date doctor, my ass."

Well, what-what does that mean?

It means he's really out there.

And if I ever meet 'im, the only date he's gonna need is with a real doctor.

That's him.

Vance? Is that you?

Yeah, hey there... beautiful.

Sara Melas, from the "Standard".

I'd like to talk to you about the dating consultant you hired

before you went out with Casey Sedgewick?

Hey, you don't wanna talk, that's fine.

I'm gonna write this anyway.

You just earned yourself a photo with a boldface caption.

What? Nice.

Now, I can only imagine how the guys on the trading floor

are gonna react when they see this.

Look, you have no proof, you have no facts.

Vance, I'm a gossip columnist, not the D.A.

Okay, okay.
How much will it cost me to stay out of this?

I don't want money.

I want a name.

I don't know his name.

Well, what do you know?

I know this.

All this for a lousy lay.

Are we satisfied?

Almost.

No, you...
Oh... You gotta be...

Is this really necessary?

Have you seen your back?

No, but I see my front and...
maybe we should be starting with some sit-ups.

God! Mother of Troy!

Hello?

Wow. That's crazy.

Just hearin' your voice makes me smile.

How are you?

Uh, I'm-I'm-I'm good, I think. Um...

No, actually, you know what?

Uh, it's, uh... I feel a little strange.

I'm good.

Sweet Georgia Brown!

What was that?

No, that's just, uh...
some guy screamin'.

Listen, is there any context

under which you'd consider facial edema and pharmaceutical intervention a date?

Mm... Probably not.

How 'bout a do-over?

What do you have in mind?

Dinner, my place...

I mean, because obviously goin' anywhere public with you is outta the question.

God! That's it.
I don't like you very much.

What is that?

Wait... I'm getting up.

Kind of, uh-uh, like, one of those makeover shows.

- That's a makeover show?
- It's Danish.

Almost done!

Friday?

Oh, can't.
I told a friend I'd go speed dating.

Well, you know, for moral support.

Uh, but... tomorrow I'm free.

Great. All right.
Uh, 8 o'clock?

Great.

- All right. Bye-bye.
- Bye.

- See, it wa-it wasn't so bad, was it?
- Oh, God!

Ball is back in play after a 20-second timeout.

Knicks lead the Grizzlies, 12-6, here early in the first quarter.

- So, this is what this feels like?
- "This" being...?

Great seats... great game...

Great... date.

I mean... sort of.

To me, it-it feels... like a...

- Date?
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Look at 'er.
She looks so happy.

How does a guy like that end up with a girl like her?

I am so jealous.

I've always wanted to be able to do that.

Really? Tonight is your lucky night.

Let's see what you got.

Okay. You ready?

- Oh, God. I'm sorry.
- It's fine.

Knicks off to a great start...

All right,
here's how it works.

Central Park Zoo, tomorrow, noon, by the sea lions.

No, don't worry.

I'll find you.

All right. Thank you.

No, it's all right.
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Damn me. Damn me.

Hey! That was it!
You got it.

Do it again, do it again!

Look how cute they are.

Thanks.

I had a great time tonight, Albert.

I... had a great... time, too, Allegra.

Well, uh...

Good night.

Good night, Albert.

- Allegra.
- Yes?

Hold on.

I like your lips.

They seem to like you, too.

Okay... Good night.

Good night.

- Anything?
- Not yet.

But I got some great shots of you bitin' your nails.

Well, it's a big story.

- Aw... incoming.
- Really?

Yep. They're shakin' hands.

Oh, my God, this is so great.

I can't wait to nail this guy.

Hey, make sure you get a good shot of his face.

Uh-huh.

What's he look like?

Tall, dark, and handsome.

Basic principles:

No matter what, no matter who, no matter when.

This is killing me.

Geoff's actually managing to play it straight.

How long you been in love with 'er?

Oh, her? Chap...
About two and a... two and a half years.

- Take a look.
- Okay.

How'd you get my card?

Albert... Albert Brennaman.

Great guy, isn't he?

Excellent guy.

What...? Sara...

Sara!

Pleasure to meet you, Geoff.

Uh, hey, what...

- How'd you get my card?

- Albert... Albert Brennaman.

- Great guy, isn't he?
- Excellent guy.

You sure you wanna do this?

Why wouldn't I?

You know, Louise made an interesting
observation on the way home the other night.

She said people who are guarded are afraid

that... you can see right through them.

That's why they hide behind layers of, uh, secrecy or humor.

Well, he's gonna have to hide behind a lot
more than that once this hits the fan.

She meant you.

What do you want me to say?

That I like the guy?

Yeah, sure, I liked the guy.

Well... here's his shirt.

- Why don't you think about it? Call me.
- Thanks.

Yeah.

Papi, Sara Melas is here to see you.

Thanks a lot, Raoul.

Send her up.

And, uh, stop callin' me papi.

Well... Aren't you a sight for sore eyes.

I believe this belongs to you.

Yeah, this thing is like a...
a bad penny.

Wow!

So, this is it.

Uh, yeah, this is it.

Business must be good.

Well, you know, it-it has its rewards.

Yeah.... I'll bet.

Tough day?

Mm, you could say that.

Well, you know what?

You can just sit back and relax.

- Mmm...
- I got this all covered.

Spanish wine?!

How thoughtful are we?

Here, let me pour that for you.

No, that's okay.

- You want some?
- Sure.

So... Hitch.
Is that, like, a... noun or a verb?

- Uhh... I guess it depends.
- Mmm.

Let's see.
What should we toast to?

Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink.

But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love.

If you must steal, steal away from bad company.

If you must cheat, cheat death.

And if you must drink...

drink in the moments...
that take your breath away.

Did you just make that up?

Make yourself at home.

Um... I'm gonna... check on the risotto.

Waw! Look at this!

Which one's the music?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

And it does... does lights, too?

Uh, hey. Let me, uh, let me help you out with that.

Now, this... this is nifty.

What are you doing?

How does it work, exactly?

Well, usually... you have dinner, then you have dessert.

No, no. No, I mean your thriving business.

I don't do interviews.

But if you'd like to get back to the evening,
I'd be more than happy to sit and talk.

Great idea. You start.

Well... maybe I would if you weren't snarling.

What if I told you...

that I know exactly what you do and how you do it?

And I think it's despicable!

You know what?

We might need to go out to dinner.

Yeah, there's a great seafood restaurant I'd love to take you to.

How 'bout you just get a cleaver, butcher?

- Maybe I will!
- What the hell is wrong with you?

Nothing a front-page story can't cure.

- Oh, so that's what this is all about?
- Uh-huh.

Albert and Allegra on the front of your crap-ass newspaper?

You put them there!

No, you did!

No, he did!

The minute he called you!

Dr. Hitch. Listen to me, papi.

I need to bring my partner, Amir, somewhere amazing for our anniversary.

Maybe it's not your thing, but... maybe it is.

What the hell are you talking about, Raoul?

It's you, no?

So, my friend?

How was she?

Pretty good, eh?

How was she?

I'll tell you! She was great!

- Isn't that the Date Doctor?
- No, it's not him.

I'm telling you, that's him.

He doesn't look anything like 'im.

- Excuse me. Excuse me. Do you know him?
- No.

I want you to look me in the eye and you tell me he did not hire you.

Ma'am, I have never seen this man before in my life.

See you later, Tony.

Uh, Tony?
You have got some serious explaining to do.

Albert. Hitch.
You all right?

You know what?

I can't really, uh, talk right now.

I'm kinda... tied up.

One, two, three.

Women will remain seated.

Men will rotate to the left at the buzzer.

You get two minutes each, four minutes total.

So... trade your talk time when you hear...

the gong.

If it's mutual, you get numbers.

If not, better luck next time. Okay?

Ladies... take your seats.

Case, you are a living testimonial to the triumph of hope over experience.

Oh, thanks for comin'.

I know it's lame.

I'm sure it's the last thing you feel like doin'.

I really prefer Rachmaninoff to the heavier romantic composers,

but... you know, despite the pan-Germanic anti-Semitism...

I'd still have to say my favorite is Wagner.

Oh, yeah.

Nice talking to you.

Thank you. Okay, bye.

Bye.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Excuse me.

That's my seat, man.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- My name is Ron. Uh, 28.

Albert Brennaman is a good man.

In fact, Albert Brennaman is a great man.

I just got out of a five-year relationship.

I'm a lot of fun at parties.
I like dogs...

And then... you're-you're mad at me for what I do for a living?

Look, I've already got your number

so why don't you go consult your conscience?

Albert is in love with her.

Oh yeah, just like Sebastian?

Is there a problem?

Oh, no, just one sec.

- What do you have against Allegra anyway?
- Nothing.

My interest is protecting women from assholes like you.

Oh, I did ice climbing. Once.

You don't even know me.

And whose fault is that?

... the sun comes up, the-the ice really starts to fall apart.

I bet. I-I-I'm sorry.

- Do you know this guy?
- Apparently not.

You're in my seat.

Look... You really...
I'm doin' you a favor, believe me.

Basically, I like outdoor sports.

But indoor, uh, sports have their place, too.

There are certain aspects of my job that are secretive, all right?

And my job is to try to find the truth.

The truth? Ha!
You wouldn't know the truth if it kicked you in the head.

And if Albert Brennaman has to take a fall for it, so be it.

Why don't you say what's really pissin' you off?

Okay, buddy, I've been waiting to talk to her...

You wanna sit down?

Here you go, here you go. Gong!

Thank you.

- Excuse me.
- Whoa!

Hi. A-actually, you're not supposed to move.
He's... b... um...

I'm Alex Hitchens.

- Okay, hi.
- No, no, it's okay, really. Go.

- I'm Casey.
- Hi, Casey.

And I work for a small publishing house in the press department...

which isn't actually where I wanna be.

But, you know, it's a good house, so...

You handled me.

You manipulated me.

You researched me and you showed me my great-grandfather's signature.

Wait. You're Ellis Island?

I thought that was real sweet.

Thank you.

Case, you're not helping.

Uh, excuse me!

I'm on a date.

Does it ever occur to women that maybe a guy might

like to have a plan, you know, because he's nervous?

He's not sure that he could just...

walk up to you and you'd respond if he said:

"I like you." "I... like you."

I... like you!

Oh, no, that sounds good to me.

It's true, you can't tell 'em you that you like 'em.

I tried that one time.

It didn't go well.

It's stupid, I've been crashed and burned on that.

That is what you did, and I did like you!

I just didn't know I was being worked over by some professional.

He doesn't have a badge.

And, you know, the only time he was sincere or spontaneous

was when everything was going horribly wrong...

or when you were stoned outta your head.

Now, I'm sorry to interrupt.

Do I know you?

No, I-I don't think so.

You wanna see me be spontaneous?

Sure, you want a Benadryl?

Hey, you know what?

This is really kinda distracting.

And I haven't gotten laid in a year!

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We're sorry.

Why-why don't you guys get back to your date?

Um... Or... go somewhere.

Maybe from the bank? Huh?

Hey, you know what?

If this doesn't work out, you can give 'im a call.

He might hook you up with Paris Hilton.

Wait, that's it.

That's... You're the, uh, you're the Date Doctor, right?

Oh, you're the Date Doctor?

You're the Date Doctor?

Do we have a problem here?

Oh, yeah. A big one!

What the hell did I ever do to you, huh?

I'm s... Am I missing something?

Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

All right.

Why don't you go hit a titty bar with your buddy Vance?

Wow.

I don't believe this.

That's your source?

You buried yourself, Alex.

Then you weren't listening.

I heard every word.

You're a scam artist.

You trick women into getting...

Into getting outta their own way

so great guys like Albert Brennaman have a fighting chance.

Okay, no, no, no.

I want-I want everybody to take a good look at this... right now.

Because this... this right here...

this is exactly why fallin' in love is so goddamn hard.

Sir, let's go. Now!

And Vance Munson... is a pig!

And I refused to work with him.

You need to get your facts right.

It's because o' jerks like him that I even have a job.

Had a job.

Can you believe that guy?

Actually... I do.

You...

complete me.

- I might just have...
- Shut up.

Just shut up.

You had me at "hello".

No comment.

Oh, yeah... You know, uh...

This is... off the... record.

I came to apologize.

I made some assumptions about you based on...
nothing, it turns out.

And I, uh... I guess Casey's right.

My best friend...

Don't worry about it.

We're straight.

Wait... I just I... I should've asked you.

You know? But sometimes you're so guarded.

And I just don't wanna be another reason for you to...

I'm not someone...
who likes to get involved past a certain point.

And that point...
was about a week ago.

Well... I just wanna say I'm really sorry...

and I didn't mean to hurt you.

You didn't.

That's a relief.

- Hey, fella.
- Yeah, good. You?

- What you got there?
- This?

I... figured maybe if my heart stops beatin', it wouldn't hurt so much.

She hasn't called back?

Hey, you want some coffee?

I want you to fix it.

I got nothin', Albert.

Hey, you-you wanna do somethin'?

We should get out tonight.

You know, honestly?

Never knew I could feel like this, um?

I swear I'm...
goin' out of my mind.

I wanna throw myself off of every building in New York.

I-I see a cab and I just wanna dive in front of it, because...

then I'll stop thinkin' about 'er.

Look, you will.

Just... give it time.

That's just it.

I don't want to.

I mean, I've... waited my whole life to feel this miserable.

And if this is the only way I can stay connected with her,

then... then this is who I have to be.

No, you don't.

You can change, you can adapt.

You can make it, so you don't ever have to feel like this.

Ever again.

Oh, my God.

You just don't get it, do you?

Oh, I get it.

All right, it's-it's...
Let me get this straight.

You're sellin' this stuff, but you just don't believe in your own product.

Love is my life.

No. Love is your job.

Hey!

You wanna jump out a plane without a chute, be my guest.

But forgive me if I don't join you.

This isn't about love for you at all, is it?

Yeah... This whole time, I thought I was the coward.

- Where you going?
- Skydiving.

Allegra! Allegra!

Allegra!! Allegra!

Taxi! Taxi!

Allegra! Allegra!!

Taxi! Taxi!!

Mr. Hitchens.

Miss Cole, thank you very, very much for seeing me.

You said it was a matter of life and death.

That man would've sold his soul to make you happy.

So, what does that make you, the devil?

My job is not to deceive, Miss Cole.

It's to create... opportunities.

Like the boardroom.

- Would you have noticed him otherwise?
- Yes.

- Really?
- Eventually.

Maybe.

How did you know all that stuff about me?

Well, you really did your homework.

Like at boarding school, when everyone
used to tease me cause I couldn't whistle?

And having him dance like a buffoon knowing that I can't dance, either?

Then telling him to drop mustard on his shirt, so I'd feel less like a dork?

That was all you, right?

No. Hell, no.

That was him?

That's got Albert written all over it.

Did you put 'im up to the inhaler?

Stop it.
He did not show you that.

He chucked it right before he kissed me.

So-so, wait... that...

that... stuff worked for you?

It was adorable.

What did you do?

Nothin'.

Absolutely nothin'.

That's good.

- So, this was your plan the whole time, huh?
- Hey, Albert.

You sail off into the sunset with my girl?

Albert!

Albert!

Albert!

- You were like a brother to me!
- Albert!

- He came here for you.
- Who?

The guy you're chokin'.

- My God... I love-I love you.
- I love you.

No, I-I.. I really love you.
I... love you.

I love you more.

Oh, no, I love you more.
I really do.

Hey, uh... I got somewhere I gotta go.
So, um...

- Yeah, who is it?
- Hitch.

Uh... Can I talk to you?

What?

Uh... Hey, you almost hit me.

Look, I just, uh...

I wanted to stop by... basically. Um...

See, this is the thing.

I, um... This is... weird.

I don't have me behind the door, you know.

Close your mouth.

Yeah, because I.... I knew at some point I-I'd be...

you know... right-right here.
You know...

But I-I thought that... you know...

everything would come out, you know, but it's...
you know, it's like...

That's throwin' me off.

- Can we close the door?
- What?

I'm sorry.
Just... ju... can we...

I just need, I need...

Are you serious?

No, just... like this-this.

What do you want, Hitch?

You.

For-for... a whole lotta reasons that don't make any sense to me.

I mean... What, we've been on... three dates?

But, that's... See, that's what's crazy.

That's what's crazy, because I know.

I know deep...

like just... down, just... in this area...

that... I just know...

that I want...

I wanna be... miserable.

Like... really miserable.

Cause, hey...

if that's what it takes...

for me to be happy... then...

Wait, that didn't come out right.
That...

What the hell is wrong with you?

- Nothing!
- No. No, no, not, no, not you.

I'm-I'm talkin' to me.

Alex Hitchens, Tom Reda.

Hey.

I'll just put this in the car.

Maybe it's like what you said.

We should just both go our separate ways and then we'll do just fine.

What if fine isn't good enough?

What if I want extraordinary?

No such thing.

I'm just as scared as you are, Sara.

But I'm right here, and our time is right now.

Oh, yeah?
Well, what about before?

Sara, I am a guy.

Since when do we get anything right the first time?

Well, I'm a realist, and I know what love does to people.

- No, you don't.
- Keys.

Keys.

There you go. Right here.

I don't know who this is...
and I don't care.

What I do know... is he'll never...
feel about you the way that I do.

You know how to drive a stick?

Both o' you, shut up!

- You okay?
- Yeah. No, I'm fine.

You'll never be fine, and neither will I!

Maybe I should drive.

Are you trying to get yourself killed?

If that's what it takes.

Sara, what happened?

- He jumped on the car.
- Why?

Because that's what people do.

They leap... and hope to God they can fly.

Cause otherwise...

we just... drop like a rock...

wondering the whole way down:

"Why in the hell did I jump?"

But here I am, Sara. Fallin'.

And there's only one person...
that makes me feel like I can fly.

That's you.

So... you kinda like me, huh?

Nah.

I love you.

I love you, and I knew it from the first...

If I say it back now, it'll sound so stupid.

Sara!

Maria, this is the guy I was telling you about.

Hitch... Hitch, that's my sister... Maria.

And that's her husband, Tom.

Hey.

Her husband.

Where's your date?

Oh, don't have one.

I know. Shocking, huh?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Are you all right?

Grandma, what happened?

This young lady just saved my life.

Ask her to dance.

Oh... Well... if you insist.

- I'm Casey.
- Charles Wellington.

- Oh, and this...
- Oh, forget it. Just go.

Basic principles:

There are none.

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