History of the World: Part I (1981) - full transcript

20 million years ago,
an ape-like creature inhabited the Earth.

And the ape stood, and became man.

The greatest calamity that could befall
early man was the loss of fire.

Fire, the mysterious phenomenon
that cooked his food,

heated his cave, and kept him alive.

If he could not start a fire,
he and his would surely die.

Even in most primitive man,
the need to create was part of his nature.

This need, this talent,
clearly separated early man from animals

who would never know this gift.

And here, in a cave somewhere
in the North American continent,

about two million years ago,



the first artist was born.

And, of course,
with the birth of the artist,

came the inevitable afterbirth.

The critic.

In the year one million BC,

it is thought the first
Homo sapien marriage occurred.

It was shortly followed
by the first homosexual marriage.

One of the first weapons
man invented was the spear.

In ancient times, man was ignorant
as to the cause and nature of death.

So death was greeted
with a certain degree of awe.

But because man did not have
the time for complicated rituals,

funeral services were often brief.

Even in early man, the need to laugh
was vital for emotional survival.

Music began long before it was formalized
into notes and phrases.



For mankind, it began with an accident.

Gunga heard the sound and liked it.

Gunga begged Gowie to repeat
the beautiful scream, but Gowie could not.

So Gunga thought and thought,
and finally he found the answer.

And so, music was born.

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Hallelujah!

Moses went to the mountain,
and God spoke unto him.

Moses, this is the Lord, thy God,

commanding you to obey my law.
Do you hear me?

Yes, I hear you. I hear you.
A deaf man could hear you.

- What?
- Nothing. Gornisht. Forget it.

O Lord, why have you chosen me?
What would you have me do for you?

I shall give you my laws,
and you shall take them unto the people.

Yes, Lord.

Wow.

Lord, I shall give these laws
unto thy people.

Hear me, O hear me!

All pay heed.

The Lord, the Lord Jehovah,
has given unto you these fifteen...

Ten! Ten commandments, for all to obey.

Rome! Vortex of modern civilization.

Rome! Fountainhead of culture.

Rome! Blazing pronouncement
of mankind's most glorious achievements.

All right, now. Columns! Columns!

Columns! Columns! Get your columns here.

Ionic, Doric, Corinthian.

Put a few columns out in front,
turn any hovel into a showplace.

Columns! Sir, don't touch the merchandise.

All right, now. Columns! Columns!

Haircut, shave, shampoo, bloodletting?

Sooth! Soothsaying!
Get your sooth said right here.

I can tell the future.

You, sir!
For a wee fee of two drachmas,

I can tell you your future.

Yes, yes, I see... I see...

I see that you are going on a long journey.

Yes.

You, sir, are going to Rome.

- But I am in Rome.
- Do I lie?

Sooth, sooth! We give great sooth!

Chariots! Used chariots!

Low mileage. They're great.

I'm very excited about it.
It's a new concept. It's called a centerfold.

Plumbing! Plumbing!

Plumbing here, plumbing.
Yes, citizens, plumbing.

It's the latest invention to hit Rome.

It moves water from one place to another.

It's astounding. It's amazing.

Get on the bandwagon.

Pipe the shit right out of your house.

Plumbing! Plumbing here.

Plumbing! Brand new invention!

- Occupation?
- Gladiator.

- Did you kill last week?
- No.

- Did you try to kill last week?
- Yeah.

This is your last week on insurance.

Either you kill next week,
or we have to change your status.

- Yeah.
- OK. Sign here.

Next. Occupation?

- Stand-up philosopher.
- What?

Stand-up philosopher.

I coalesce the vapor of human experience
into a viable and logical comprehension.

Oh. A bullshit artist.

Did you bullshit last week?

No.

Did you try to bullshit last week?

Yes.

Comicus! Comicus, Comicus!

- Back in the line.
- He's not in line. He's my agent, Swiftus.

Good news. I just got you a job.

- Now you're working, you won't need this.
- Wait! That's mine.

I'm sorry, I'm on my wine break.

Dopus! I only had the money in my hand.

Oh, I like that. I like that.

I go and bust my anus to get you a job
and you're angry with me?

Boy, you are nuts. N-V-T-S, nuts.

- OK, OK. What kind of a job is it?
- Just the best gig in all Rome.

A date every stand-up philosopher,
including Socrates, would die for.

Believe it or not,
you are gonna play Caesar's palace.

- The main room?
- The main room!

Groovus!

- Come on, the show starts in an hour.
- The main room!

The main room!

10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10...

20, 20, 20, 20...

30, 30, 30, 30, 30...

40, 40, 40, 40, 40...
Do I hear 50?

- 50!
- 50! Sold to the Venetian for 50 libra.

- Oh, no. No! No!
- Come here, you.

The slave auction is over.

All right, take these rejects over to
the Colosseum, sell 'em for lion bait.

- No!
- Wait a minute! Wait! Wait a minute.

What is this with lions?
I can't go to the lions.

I cannot go to the lions.

Oh, no. 'Cause I happen to know
that the lions only eat Christians.

Christians. And I am a Jew.

Jewish person. Yes.
I can prove it. Watch. Look out.

Everybody!

- No! Hold it.
- Listen, I'm Jewish, I'm telling you.

Call the temple. Call the rabbi.
Call Sammus Davis Jr.

Call Sammus. He'll vouch for me.
He and I are tight. He knows...

Jewish, huh?

He missed. I jumped, and he missed. It was
his first day on the job, he was nervous.

I got an appointment for Thursday. 11
o'clock, I go in, they give me a local, boom!

- Get him out of here.
- You could make a lot of money with me.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Money?

Come here.

- How?
- I'm entertaining. I got special talents.

I'll show you. Look out.
Sand. I gotta have a little sand.

- What?
- Sand. You're standing on it.

Sand. Give him the sand.
What the hell's the matter with you?

- Here.
- Thank you.

Yes.

A little sand on the stage
for the native shim-sham sand dance.

Look out. I'm gonna start.

Born to do it.

Hey, what country are you from?

Ethiopia.

What part?

1 25th Street.

I'm gonna sign him up.

The big turn.

And that's the Ethiopian shim-sham.

He's good. He's great.

What's wrong with you?
He's good. That guy is good.

Hey, that kid is wonderful...

Holy shit!

Come on, get up.
You're costing me money.

Please, stop it!
Can't you see the poor thing's in pain?

Outta the way, or you'll get the same.

No, you mustn't...

Hey, hey, hey! What, are you crazy?

Oh! Whoa.

- Give it a little shot. Thanks.
- Oh, thank you.

He was beating that poor exhausted horse.

Oh, gee.

Oh, he's not exhausted.
Here's the problem.

See?

Come on, boy.
You can get up. Come on, fella.

Wait a minute. I know this horse.

He used to be the fastest horse
in the Circus Maximus.

His name is Miracle.

Miracle? Oh, what a beautiful name.

What's yours?

Miracle... Comicus.

- I'm a stand-up philosopher.
- Oh. I'm Miriam. I'm a vestal virgin.

I'm really sorry to hear that.

- I work at the palace.
- We're gonna be there.

- Really?
- Look out!

Whack!

Wow.

Put it there, pal. Man, you saved my life.

Comicus, stand-up philosopher.
Who are you?

I'm Josephus.
I'm the main course at the Colosseum.

The main course... Say hello to some friends
of mine. My agent, Swiftus Lazarus.

- You're good, man.
- And this is Miriam. She's a vestal virgin.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Seize him!
- Oh, seize this, honkus.

No, don't ever say that to the cops!

Seize him! Do you know the punishment
for a slave who strikes a Roman citizen?

- I do!
- OK. You. You had your hand up first.

- Death by torture.
- No. You?

- Crucifixion.
- Wrong. You?

They shove a living snake up your ass.

No, but that's very creative.

- You?
- They send you to the lions.

- Right.
- No!

What? He was right.
They send you to the lions.

The empress! It's the empress!

Move that miserable piece of shit!

Halt!

Stop.

Could you please step on
the same foot at the same time?

My tits are falling off.

- Empress Nympho! Empress Nympho!
- Miriam?

What are you doing here?

VVs are not allowed outside
the palace without an escort.

Empress, this man saved our lives.
Now they want to kill him.

- We need your help.
- The white guy or the colored guy?

The color... The slave.

Please spare his life. I beg you.

Perhaps you can use him at the palace.
He's truly gifted.

Gifted?

- Bob?
- Yes, Your Highness?

Oh, Bob, do I have any openings
that this man might fit?

- We could use another wine steward.
- I got a great corkscrew.

- This is a hip crowd.
- Oh, I'll say.

All right. Well, schlep him along.

For the time being,
we will use him as a litter bearer.

Oh, thank you, Your Highness. Oh, good!

Good work, good work.

Litter bearers, prepare to move.

Litter bearers, harch!

- See you at the palace.
- Bye.

Goodbye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Come on. We gotta go.
- We really have to go. See you later.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye.

All hail Caesar, emperor of Rome,

monarch of the Roman Empire,
ruler of the world.

Hail, Caesar! Hail, Caesar!

Hail, Caesar! Hail, Caesar!

All hail the commander
of His Majesty's Roman legions,

the brave and noble Marcus Vindictus,

who returns to Rome after winning
a great victory over the Cretins at Sparta.

Make that the Spartans at Crete.

Remember, thou art mortal.
Remember, thou art mortal.

Remember, thou art mortal.
Remember, thou art mortal.

Oh, blow it out your ass.

O Caesar.

I have brought your name
before the four corners of the Earth.

I have subdued and conquered
the barbaric hordes in the name of Rome.

I've penetrated into the farthest...

What's under the sheet?

- Sheet?
- Sheet!

Sheet? Oh! Oh, the sheet. Yes.

To begin with, number one,

a beautiful hand-carved
alabaster bathing vessel.

Nice. Nice.

Not thrilling, but nice.

Aha! But to fill the tub,
behind curtain number two,

treasure from the Orient!

Treasure. Bathtub.

Treasure bath.
I'm going to have a treasure bath!

Treasure bath!

Treasure bath!

Do it! Do it to me!

Oh, Nympho. I would do anything, anything,
if you would only grant me your favors.

How can I entice you?
How can I ensnare you?

What bait must I use to catch your love?

I am your servant.

But the servant waits
while the master baits.

Ye...

Here, wash this.

Yes, sire.

The muse is upon me.

Thank you, Caesar.

All be quiet.

His divine immortality has consented
to favor us with a new poem.

Speak.

O glorious Caesar. Speak.

- You faggot.
- Yes, sire. Thank you.

- Bring me a small lyre.
- A small lyre. Small lyre.

I didn't do it. I wasn't even there.

I was at a friend's house.
Check's in the mail.

Not that kind of liar. Take him back out!

- What?
- Take him out of here!

Get him out. Take him out.

Miriam, wine.

Josephus, wine.

Say when.

8:30.

It's so lonely at the top of Olympus.

More women! More wine!

More...

OK, faggot. What's next?

Comicus, the new
stand-up philosopher from Vesuvius.

Good. I like a mountain comic.

Comicus, you're on.

Good evening, ladies and emperors.

I just got back from Venice,
and boy, are my arms tired.

Let me tell you about Venice.
Venice is a very old city.

Wonderful, ancient city.
You can learn a lot in Venice.

You want to know how to make
a Venetian blind? Like this.

Have you heard about this new sect,
the Christians? They are a laugh riot.

First of all, they are so poor...

- How poor are they?
- Thank you.

They are so poor
that they have only one god.

Romans are rich.
We got a god for everything.

Only thing we don't have a god for
is premature ejaculation.

But I hear that that's coming quickly.

The little fag gets it.

Terrific, terrific.

Let's face it, let's face it.
What's the rage today?

Losing weight is all the rage.
Everybody in Rome

is either in a steam room or a vomitorium.

I mean, half of Rome
is either cooking or puking.

"Cooking or puking"!

But you can't blame these people. You can't
blame people for wanting to be thin.

Who wants to look like a big fat pig?

Did he say "big fat pig"?

- Yes, he did, sire.
- Do you think he meant me?

I believe he did, sire.

Get off the fat jokes! Get off fat!
Get off fat!

Fat, off... No...

There's two Jews got off... No.
Syrian...

Politics, politics, politics, politics, politics.

Yes. The Roman Senate.

The Roman Senate
is the best legislature that money can buy.

It starts with the peddlers.
They bribe an assemblyman,

who bribes a councilman,
who bribes a senator...

It goes all the way up to the emperor!

Shit!

Kill him.

Taxi? Hey, no autographs, no autographs.

Seize him!

Seize him!

- More wine.
- More wine, more wine.

Boy. When you die at the palace,
you really die at the palace.

Whoops.

Kill him. Kill him, too.

Please, Empress. Save them.

Wait. I've just had a wonderful idea.

What was my idea?

Oh, yes. Let these two fools fight
each other to the death during dessert.

We who are about to...

die, salute you.

Salute.

Hey, all right, all right. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Excuse me.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

I never killed another
human being in my life.

But you gotta start sometime!

Maniac.

Wait... Watch it... Wait!

- What?
- Isn't that Lena Horne over there?

O Emperor, spare this poor man. He has
fought so bravely for your amusement.

Let him...

die.

Tough shit.

I can't do it.
Here, take the shield. Take the sword.

- Come on, we'll fight our way out.
- Guards!

Destroy them.

You're the first white person
I even considered liking.

Get outta here.

Oh, the tide is turning.

In the name of Caesar, halt!

The rope.

No! Goddammit, your hands are cold.

Find them. Capture them. Kill them.

- Wash this.
- Oh, yes, sire.

Oh, it's you.

This way, men.

All right, forget that shit.

I almost fell.

Virgins, fall out.

Competence.

O Competence, tell me.

What will happen to those two rogues
when they are caught?

If they're captured, they're hung.

Not necessarily.

Whoo, girls.

- Where are you leading me?
- The reviewing stand.

To choose your escorts
for the midnight orgy.

I had almost forgot.

- Send them in.
- Left flank, harch.

Arms rest.

A very nice selection.

I'm gonna start on this end.

Yes, no, no, no, no, no, no

Yes, no, no, no, no, no, no

Yes, no, no, yes

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

Yes, no, no, no, no, no, no

Yes, no, no, no, no, no, no

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

No, no, no, no...

Wait a minute...

Yes!

Olé!

- Very good. That'll be all.
- Quick-time harch!

I love quick-time harch.

- Where are we?
- Don't worry.

Who's that?

Quick, hide behind the drape.

I liked your choices.
You made some very big decisions.

Thank you.

Search the area.
They can't have gotten far.

Halt!

All right, virgins.
Put on your "No Entry" signs.

We are about to confront guys.

How dare you? No man
may search the empress' quarters.

As you wish.

- You're beautiful when you...
- Shove it.

Speak up, Mucus.

Eunuch.

- Ca-ca.
- What?

That slave over there.
He looks rather puny.

Is it not true when eunuchs are castrated,
they become enormous?

It's Josephus, your wine steward.
Please help him.

You have to give him some time.
He has just been snipped.

If he is truly a eunuch like the others,
there would be no harm to take the test.

- Test?
- Test?

Test?

Test.

Eunuchs, come down here.

Let us have Caladonia do her
highly erotic temple dance in praise of Eros.

And if all these creatures
are indeed eunuchs...

then nothing should arise. Get it?

Caladonia! Caladonia!

Let's make their big heads so hard.

- He is a eunuch.
- Yeah.

He is a eunuch.

He's dead.

He'll never survive.

- The jig is up.
- And gone.

- After him!
- Go on, men, get him.

Quick. Back through the corridor.

He's heading for the Senate. We can
meet him near the cloak room. Come on.

In factorum, quid pro quo.

In pecunium, sic transit gloria.

I didn't know Gloria was sick.

- Where is he?
- Don't worry, he has to come this way.

- He should be here.
- The Senate is in session.

Senate.

O fellow members
of the Roman Senate, hear me.

Shall we continue to build
palace after palace for the rich?

Or shall we aspire to a more noble purpose
and build decent housing for the poor?

How does the Senate vote?

- Fuck the poor!
- Good.

Joe!

The man was dead
when I got there, I swear.

What's the matter?
Where've you been? Who was dead?

Never mind. How do we get out of here?

- Here, put this on.
- All right.

OK. I'm gonna find Swiftus, then I'll meet
you at the theater across from the baths.

- The theater across from the baths.
- Right.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

- Stop with the goodbyes.
- OK.

One more thing. Wait!
If we do escape, will you come with us?

- Of course.
- Of course.

Of course. Goodbye. Of course. Of course!
She's coming with us...

- Come on.
- OK.

Let's follow these senators.
Put your hood up.

Behind these guys. Here we go.
Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

Ah, bullshit, bullshit.

Give to Oedipus.

Give to Oedipus.

- Hey, Josephus.
- Hey, motherfucker.

They should have been here
over 30 grains ago.

- What could be keeping them?
- I don't know.

There they are. Come on.

Come on. Now, hurry. Walk this way.

Hurry, get into these Trojan costumes.

Che faccia da homma da left,
che faccia da homma da right.

Che faccia da homma da,
che faccia da homma da,

let's fight!

Relax. Casual. Casual.

No matter what happens, don't panic.
Don't panic.

Che faccia da homma da left,
che faccia da homma da right.

- Che faccia da homma...
- There they are!

Panic!

Che faccia da homma da left,
che faccia da homma da right...

Captain Mucus, let's get after them.

You take the left flank,
I'll take the right flank.

Don't you know left flank from right?

- I'm sorry, sir. I flunked flank.
- You flunked flank?

Get the flunk out of here. Men!

Here, this way.

- Chemist, can you help me?
- What are you looking for?

- A pack of Trojans.
- Gee, I just ran out.

Captain Mucus!

- Captain Mucus! Have you found anything?
- Nothing, Commander. Nothing.

Search all the marketplaces,
the square, the alleys.

Half you men, search that area there.
And the others will run with Mucus.

We've gotta get out of Rome.

But how? The streets
are crawling with soldiers.

See?

We'll never get out of here.
Only a miracle can save us.

- Miracle!
- Miracle!

- Miracle!
- Miracle!

We've gotta get to that wagon.
Wait here, I'll see if the coast is clear.

Come on. Hurry.

No, you don't.

Oh, my God! I'm fighting with cardboard.

- Goodbye, head.
- Hello, balls.

- Come on, run, Comicus.
- Come on, hurry.

- OK, hurry, take off.
- Let's go, Miracle.

What... Commander, where are they?

Get the horses.
Get the chariots. Get the men.

Onward!

Get me an ice pack. Hurry.

- Where are you going?
- I don't know.

Here come the bad guys.

Run, Miracle, hurry!
They're gaining on us.

- Hurry!
- Come on, Miracle. Go, boy.

Come on, men. We're gaining on them.

They're gaining on us.

Come on, Miracle.

Go, boy, go!
Stretch out those long white legs!

We're pulling away.
We're losing them.

Run, run!

Quickly, go to the left.

Go to the right. Stop!

I smell something familiar.

Laz! Laz, I got an idea! Pull over.

Pull over!

- I knew I smelled something.
- You crazy?

Think I don't know what I'm talking about?
The nose knows.

What the heck is he...

- What's he doing?
- Picking flowers.

- Roman Red.
- Roman Red?

A whole field of wacky weedus.

- He's picking those weeds.
- Papyrus.

Rolling papyrus.

- Paper! Paper!
- What? Like this?

That's good.

Easy, whitus.
These people don't know the value.

Josephus, hurry.

Hold this. Yes, indeed.

- They'll be here any minute.
- Not to worry. Not to worry.

We are now armed with mighty joint.

- Pull out.
- Let's go, Miracle.

Hurry, we've got to catch them.

Quickly, after them.

Oh, mama!

We've got to... We've got to...

get moving.

- It's working!
- It's working!

We gotta stay loose, you know?

Let it cool.
Let the coolness get into our vertebrae.

You men go northward.

You go southward.
I'm gonna walk here, round in a circle.

What are we gonna do? We're trapped.

- Hey, who's that?
- Look what he's done!

Oh, my God.

Oh, what a wonderful man.

Let's go, Miracle.

And keep 'em up.

You son of a bitch! You bastard!

An old man! They don't let you live!
They don't let you breathe!

You son of a bitch...

- No, go this way. It's a short cut.
- To where?

The port. There's a ship leaving for Judaea.

- Judaea?
- Judaea.

Judaea!

I'm gonna stay right here.

No, I'm gonna move here.

- You care if it falls?
- What?

- The Roman Empire.
- Fuck it.

Is that our men?

Why have they stopped?

- Oh, Marcus!
- Why have you stopped?

Why aren't you still chasing them?
Have you lost your senses?

Do you want to be stripped
of rank and privileges?

Do you want to be thrown into
the dungeon? Do you want to...

Do you want to dance?

Lindus!

Hey, look. There's the ship
that's gonna take us to Judaea.

We're off on the road to Judaea

We certainly do get around

See? I told you
there was work to be found here.

You're right. "Help wanted. Cashier, waiter
and dishwasher." I'm gonna be waiter.

- Cashier.
- I'll be the hat-check girl.

- What are you...
- All right, I'll be the dishwasher.

Hey, kids. I'll take Miracle
and scout the area for a possible club date.

I'll try Galilee. I heard that
King Herod is bringing in gambling.

Let's go, Miracle.

- Take care, Swiftus.
- Bye, Miracle.

Comicus.

Sir.

- Sorry.
- Now, tonight, we have a private party.

Take their orders. Be correct. Be polite. And
push the mulled wine, we're stuck with it.

"Push the mulled wine, we're..."

- Don't write it now. Now go.
- Yes, sir.

Can't get any good help today.

Before this night is over,
one of you shall betray me three times.

No, no.

Master, how can you feel
anyone here would betray you?

You, who we'd follow even unto death?

Yes, yes.

Does everybody want soup?

Please, we must talk.
This may be our last supper.

Hey, it's my first order.
One question and I'll let you all go.

Are you all together,
or is it separate checks?

- Please go away! Go away.
- All right, OK, OK.

Yea, yea, so you say.

But one who sits amongst us
has already betrayed me this night.

- Who?
- Who? Who can it be?

Judas!

Do you want a beverage?
Try the mulled wine, it's terrific.

No! Leave us alone.

Go, go.

All right, all right. Jesus!

- Yes?
- What?

- What?
- What?

Yes.

- Jesus!
- What?

- Yes?
- What?

Well, you said "What?"

What?

Nothing.

- Ah. Leonardo.
- Buongiorno.

- Just a second...
- It's all right. We ordered a group portrait.

This is no good.
All I got is the backs.

OK. Everybody wanna be in the picture,
get up and go to the other side of the table.

Hold it.

The year was 1489.

The black plague ravaged the continent.

It was the hour of the infamous auto-da-fé,

where, for public amusement,
heretics and non-believers

were tortured and burned
in a carnival-like atmosphere.

And it was guided by
the most fearful specter

to ever sit in judgment over good and evil:

The Grand Inquisitor, Torquemada.

All pay heed.

Now enters His Holiness, Torquemada,

the Grand Inquisitor
of the Spanish Inquisition.

Torquemada.
Do not implore him for compassion.

Torquemada. Do not
beg him for forgiveness.

Torquemada. Do not ask him for mercy.

Let's face it,
you can't talk him outta anything.

Let all those who wish
to confess their evil ways,

and to accept and embrace the true Church,

convert now, or forever burn in hell.

For now begins the Inquisition.

The Inquisition, let's begin

The Inquisition, look out sin

- We have a mission to convert the Jews
- Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jew, Jews

We're gonna teach them wrong from right

We're gonna help them see the light

- And make an offer that they can't refuse
- That the Jews just can't refuse

Confess

Don't be boring

Say yes

Don't be dull

A fact

You're ignoring

It's better to lose
your skullcap than your skull

Oy, oy, gevald

The Inquisition, what a show

The Inquisition, here we go

We know you're wishing that we'd go away

But the Inquisition's here
and it's here to stay

Oh, boy

The Inquisition, what joy

The Inquisition, oy, oy

I was sitting in a temple,
I was minding my own business

I was listening to a lovely Hebrew Mass

These Papist persons plunge in,
throw me in a dungeon

And they shove a red-hot poker up my ass

Is that considerate? Is that polite?

And not a tube of Preparation H in sight

I'm flicking chickens,
looking through the pickings

And suddenly these goys
break down my walls

I didn't even know them,
they grabbed me by the scrotum

And they started playing
Ping-Pong with my balls

Oy, the agony! Oh, the shame

To make my privates public for a game

The Inquisition, what a show

The Inquisition, here we go

We know you're wishing that we'd go away

But the Inquisition’s here
and it's here to...

Hey, Torquemada, what do you say?

- I just got back from the auto-da-fé
- Auto-da-fé? What's an auto-da-fé?

It's what you oughtn't to do
but you do anyway

- Will you convert?
- No, no, no, no

- Will you confess?
- No, no, no, no

- Will you revert?
- No, no, no, no

- Will you say yes?
- No, no, no, no

Now, I asked in a nice way,
I said pretty please

I bent their ears,
now I'll work on their knees!

Hey, Torquemada, walk this way

We got a little game you might want to play

So pull that handle, try your luck

Who knows, Torque, you might win a buck

All right!

Put it in the car.

- In the car.
- In the car.

How we doing? Any converts today?

Not a one, nay, nay, nay

We've flattened their fingers,
we've branded their buns

Nothing is working

Send in the nuns!

The Inquisition, what a show

The Inquisition, here we go

We know you're wishing that we'd go away

So come on, you Muslims and you Jews

We got big news for all of yous

You better change your point of view

Tonight

'Cause the Inquisition’s here

And it's here

To stay

Paris. A city filled
with poverty, misery and despair.

The time was ripe for revolution.

Apple cores!

Freshly picked from the garbage of the rich.

Apple cores. Apple cores.

Rats. Rats.

Nice dead rats for sale.

Perfect for rat stew, rat soup, rat pie,

and the ever-popular ratatouille.

Nothing. Nothing.

I got absolutely nothing for sale.

Sir, please help me.
I'm starving to death.

- Help, give me something...
- Get away. Don't bother me, you swine.

Please, money, food, anything.
Help me, help...

Get your filthy hands off me. Begone.

Please!

Something, anything.
I'm starving to death...

Look what we have come to.

Beggars begging from beggars.

Bonjour, Madame Defarge.

Bonjour, scum.

All keep quiet. The meeting begins.

Fellow wretches.

I don't have to tell you
that poverty stalks the streets of Paris.

Yeah!

Families don't even have
enough money for bread.

- No.
- We are down to almost nothing.

Last week, I myself ran out of wool.

- We have no rights.
- No.

- We have no say.
- No.

- We have no dignity!
- No!

We are so poor,
we do not even have a language.

Just a stupid accent.

She's right! She's right.
We all talk like Maurice Chevalier.

What we need is a new language.

A song that speaks of struggle,
that speaks of triumph...

- It is time for action!
- Yes!

Everybody stand.

Repeat after me...

No, no, no. Dumb scum.

I mean death to King Louis.

Death to King Louis.

Good! Good.

And now, let's end this meeting
on a high note.

Oh, but with this long trip and
this exhausting conversation, I'm famished.

Bearnaise?

Yes?

Do we have any of those
delicious raisins left?

You ate yours.

These are mine.

Au contraire. They are mine.
I paid for them.

Hand them over.

Au contraire.
I paid for them. Those are mine.

Don't be saucy with me, Bearnaise.

Count de Money.

Count de Money.

Count de Money, Count de Money.

- Count de Money, Count de Money!
- De Monet, de Monet.

- Count de Money.
- Count de Money.

We should get rid of your tailor.

I don't like your cuffs. I don't like
your cuffs, I don't like your cuffs.

A man's cuffs should be even
with the tip of his pee-pee.

Yours are all the way down to your balls.

- At least I have them.
- You bitch.

- Lackey!
- Count de Money.

De Monet.

- Monet. Say it! Monet. Monet.
- Mo... Mo..net.

Mo...net.

Perfect. Don't forget it.
Give it to me again. Monet.

- Monet.
- Very good. Where's His Majesty?

Sir, the king is playing chess.

Chess? I hate chess.

It's your move, Your Majesty.

I'm quite aware of that, you petit putz.

I see.

Knight to rook four.

- Your move, Poppinjay.
- Yes, sire.

- Pawn threatens bishop.
- What the hell did you say?

Pawn threatens bishop.

All right. I understood.

Pawn threatens bishop. All right, Poppinjay.
I'm invoking the king's privilege.

Three moves to one. Yes!

Knight jumps queen.

Bishop jumps queen.

Pawns jump queen.

Gangbang! Come on,
let's all jump the queen.

Whip out those little dicks!
Here we go.

What a spectacle.

Isn’t the queen a good sport?

And he is such a fool. Nevertheless,
we must do everything we can

to save the thing that divine right
and history have placed on his head.

- His wig?
- No, you twit. His crown.

The symbol of "Might makes right."

The thing that our fortunes
and titles are attached to.

The monarchy.

- Are you going to speak to His Majesty?
- Perhaps later.

We had a bouncy journey,
I must relieve myself before I burst.

- Where is the garçon de piss?
- I saw him just now.

Oh, there he is. Over there.

- Oh, merci, monsieur.
- Piss boy!

Ah, oui, monsieur. Oui.

- Oui, oui?
- Yes, a lot of it.

S'il vous plaît.

Keep searching. You'll find it.

Oh, leave me alone. I can handle this.

You look familiar. Who do you look like?

Je ne sais pas.

Who is that girl? She's gorgeous.

- Pardon, pardon, pardon.
- Yes?

You are pissing on my shoe.

- Sorry. Mind your pail!
- Sorry, sorry.

Wait for the shake.

Now, there. That's for you.

Piss off.

Thank you. I'll get it later.

Oh, that's better.

Let the queen up, give the queen some air.
She's been so good to all of us.

Ooh! There's a naughty bit of crumpet.

Oh, Your Majesty.

- How's it going, Marie?
- Oh, you are so naughty.

It's good to be the king.

Everything's so green!

Majesty, may I have a word with you?

- Care for a little toot?
- Non, merci.

Don't indulge, eh?
Well, leaves more for us.

- Who are you?
- Your Majesty, I am Mademoiselle Rimbaud.

Nice names.

- Tell me, my dear, what can I do for you?
- Your Majesty.

My father, Monsieur Rimbaud,
for ten years has languished in the Bastille.

If I don't get him out soon,
he will surely die.

I throw myself on your mercy.
Please release him.

- Why was he put into the Bastille?
- He said something at a royal dinner party.

- What did he say?
- He said, "The poor ain't so bad."

Pouilly Fuissé! "The poor ain't so bad"?
You're lucky he's still alive.

Please, Your Majesty, don't let him die.
I'll do anything to gain his pardon, anything.

Anything?

Your Majesty, I was raised in a convent.
I don't indulge in pleasures of the flesh.

You don't put out, he don't get out.

Your Majesty, I simply don't do it.

Come on, you do it. You know you do it.

We all do it. We love to do it. You do it.

- No, I don't.
- You want to do it. I do it.

I love to do it. I just did it and I'm ready
to do it again. Don't tell me you don't do it.

Now, either you do it, or your father dies.

It's either hump or death.

- Humperdinck?
- Not Humperdinck. "Hump or death."

You got ten seconds to make up your mind.
Hump. Death. Hump. Death. Hump. Death.

Hump. Death. Hump. Death.

Hump. Death. Your time is running out!
Hump. Death...

All right, all right. Hump!

Very good. I'm glad you thought it over.
Be at my chambers at midnight.

A toute à l'heure.

Wait!

Don't wear anything...

complicated.

It's good to be the king.

Your Majesty,
I must have a word with you...

Ah, the Count de Money.

- De Mo...
- Don't correct me. What is it?

Of course, Your Majesty.

I've come on most urgent business.
It is said that the people are revolting.

You said it. They stink on ice.

No, this is a very serious problem. The
peasants feel you have no regard for them.

What? I have no regard for the peasants?

They are my people. I am their sovereign.

I love them. Pull!

- Drifting to the left.
- Your Majesty, the situation is worsening.

The peasants may grow violent.

- Violent? You think?
- Yes.

I hate violence. It's the one thing I detest.

Violence. I abhor it.

Pull!

Fell like a stone.

But, Your Majesty, just in case of the
remote possibility of a temporary revolution,

don't you think it would be wise
to have you safely spirited out of Paris?

Perhaps you're right. But who
would sit on my throne in my absence?

- We'll find a double, put him on the throne.
- Ah. A double in case of trouble. I like it.

But where would you find
a handsome dog to replace me?

Oh, yes, of course, of course. That's it!

- Your Majesty, you look like the piss boy!
- And you look like a bucket of shit!

No, you don't understand, Your Majesty.

It is God's will.
Except for the beauty mark and mustache.

- There's our double.
- Sacrebleu!

You're right. I do look like the piss boy.

All right. At the first sign
of trouble, he shall be the king.

- Go.
- Immediately, sire.

Bearnaise! Garçon,
I must have a word with you.

- I'm not finished.
- You are. Come with me.

- You're finished.
- I'm finished.

Lackey.

Your Majesty.

It's good to be the king.

- Good. Now the beauty mark.
- It's coming.

Wonderful. No one would ever suspect
that His Royal Highness

is really the lowly piss boy.

This is never gonna work.
Please, Count de Money...

De Monet, de Monet.

De Monet, Dubonnet, Ciboney -
it's not gonna work.

I can't behave like a king.
I don't know king things.

Please, let... See? See?
I can't even walk like a king.

I can't walk in heels.
I'm no good in heels. He's good in heels.

This'll never work. Why are you
doing this to me? What's this about?

Why are you dressing me like the king?
Why do I have to be the king?

It's very simple, really.
Is my hair all right?

- Dreadful.
- Well, fix it.

Yes. You see, recently, there has
been a rumor about a revolution.

And if this revolution should succeed,

the first thing the people will do
is cut off the king's head.

If there is a double on the throne,
the king can remain in safety

- while they cut off the double's head.
- I get it.

Whoa! I get it! I get it!

- They're here to cut off my head?
- Hide in there, I'll see who it is.

All right, take me! Ravage me,
Your Majesty. A bargain is a bargain.

- All right.
- Wait! You're not the king.

True, true. I am the Count de Money...
De Monet, de Monet.

But the king is temporarily indisposed.
You've come to the right place.

Please.

You seem troubled, my dear.
Let me help you.

- I don't see how you can.
- Why not?

I've decided to trade my virginity
for my father's freedom,

and submit to the king's lustful wants.

Oh, lustful wa...

Chipped.

This is the saddest night of my life.

And the happiest night of mine.

Excuse me.

Count?

Count de Money? Count de Money?

De Monet... De Monet...

Excuse me, did you see the count?

He was here a moment ago...

All right, Your Majesty. Please ravage me.

Gee, I just ate. I want...

- Take me, Your Majesty, take me!
- Where?

Despoil me! Humiliate me!
Only do it! Do it! Hump! Hump! Hump!

It's good to be the king.
Look, come here. Let's talk about this.

Why don't we have
a wonderful candlelit dinner?

Then a couple of magnums of wine,
see a few nude paintings.

- Get in the mood, you know what I mean?
- Your Majesty, I don't understand.

You said if I let you have your way with me,
you'd let my father out of the dungeon.

Ah! That's what I said.

Look, for all intents and purposes,
I'm the king, right?

Why don't we go to my desk?
There must be a pardon in the desk,

and we'll get your daddy
out of jail. Come on.

Let's look through the desk. Must be
thousands of pardons in the king's desk.

Here we go. OK.

Execution, execution, execution,
execution, execution, ex... Tough guy.

This can't be...
Must be a pardon somewhere. Let's see.

Ah! One. One left. We're lucky. Yes.

Let's see. Your father's name?

Rimbaud.

Rimbaud? How do you spell "R..."?
Oh, never mind.

- Rimbaud. Is that French?
- Oui.

All right. Here we go. July 14, 1789,

signed by Louis...
quatorze, quinze, sixteen...

- How do you say "sixteen" in French?
- Seize.

Seize you. Good.

Now, you give this to the head officer
at the jail, and he will set your father free.

Your Majesty.

Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet,
tweet, quack, tweet, tweet.

Hello? No song for me today, Pierre?

What's the matter with you?
Cat got your tongue?

I was right. He got his tongue,
eyes and beak. The lot.

Oh, dearie me.

Not so lucky, Pierre

Oh, you. You naughty pussy.
Naughty, naughty pussy.

And now, to invent the catapult.

He's in there.

Father!

Oh, my darling father, I have good news.

You're free.

Free! Did you hear that,
my little winged friends? Free. Free!

And so, they shall be free too.

Fly, my pretty one. Fly.

Away! The sky is your playground.

Happy landing, Mother, Mrs. Schultz.

Hurry, father. Hurry,
before the king changes his mind.

What a racket! How can I sleep?

Guns, fireworks...

Your Majesty!

Quick, you've got to escape.
They're storming the palace.

So that's the noise. The revolution!

- Free, I'm free...
- My father, the man you pardoned.

Thank you, Your Highness.
I thought I'd never live to see the day

- when I would once again...
- Yes, yes.

Dad!

What fool put a carpet on the wall?

- Hurry up.
- Quick, Dad.

You're not as tall as you used to be.

- I was wrong.
- Quick, follow me.

Quick, hurry.

What the... Who designed this place?

That way, that way.

- There he is.
- Wait, wait. You're making a big mistake.

- In the name of the people of France...
- Fronce.

..Fronce, we place you,
King Louis, under arrest.

But, dot dot dot, you don't understand!

Take him away. Take them all away.

No, wait! I'm with you.

Whee! Whee!

Oh, Jacques, Jacques.

Courage, my dear. Watch me,
and take heart by my example.

I may not have been born a king,
or lived like a king,

but I can die like a king.

Your Majesty? You're next.

- Do you require a blindfold?
- None.

- Have you any last words?
- None.

Test the guillotine.

Holy shit! Wait a minute, wait a minute.

- Last request, last request.
- What is your last request?

- Novocaine.
- Wait a moment.

There is no such thing
known to medical science.

- I'll wait.
- Seize him!

Off with his head! Off with his head!

Oh, please, listen to me. I'm not the king.

Bullshit!

It's a very hard crowd.

- Seize him.
- Wait. Wait a minute. Gimme a break.

- Put his head on the block.
- Wait, I don't want to die. Don't hurt me.

Only a miracle can save him.

It's Miracle!

I don't believe it! Josephus!

Whoa!

- Hey, baby! Get down. Get down.
- Jump!

How'd you get all the way here
from the Roman Empire?

Don't be square, mon cher.
Movies is magic.

We had better kiss soon.

- Why?
- We're coming to the end. See?

Oh, my darling...

Oh, my darling.

Looks like it's a big ending.

Wait! Where are you going?

Coming soon! Don't miss
History of the World Part ll.

See Hitler on ice.

See a Viking funeral.

See Jews in space.

We're Jews out in space

We're zooming along,
protecting the Hebrew race

We're Jews out in space

If trouble appears,
we'll put it right back in its place

When goyim attack us

We'll give them a smack,
we'll slap them right back in the face

We're Jews out in space

We're zooming along,
protecting the Hebrew race

We're zooming along,
protecting the Hebrew race